#i picked up on films 2 & 3 after finishing the first movie awhile ago and i'm very normal about it

[mrkvhs]

i know i promised tmc art the other day but guess who's currently experiencing evil dead brainrot

[paxesoterica]

Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury reminded me that I actually do enjoy watching anime, and since I have a bit of a backlog of ones I’ve either watched a few episodes or haven’t started at all, I was inspired by this post to make a scorecard of anime that I intend to watch over the course of this year.

My self-imposed rules are I will not start any other anime before I have finished these 16 (with the exception of Witch from Mercury, see below), I will be watching them with Japanese voice acting and subs, and that, gvien my experience with watching Witch from Mercury on a weekly basis, I won’t try to binge and instead watch an episode or two each day, since that will fit better into how busy life can get, and also give me more time to really think about what I just watched before moving on.

The shows above are listed in chronological order of release (1979-2023), but not the order I’ll necessarily watch them in (I like having the freedom to pick and choose), with additional notes below:

1.) Mobile Suit Gundam (1979; dir. Yoshiyuki Tomino): A more experienced Gundam fan who is also fond of Revolutionary Girl Utena recommended this and War in the Pocket (see below) if I was curious about other Gundam shows. Since I’ve been meaning to watch some older anime for awhile anyway, this seemed like a good series to start with, especially with its historical importance to the medium. I have previewed the first episode and I think it holds up well so far. I will only be watching the 43 episodes of the original anime at this time, so not the movie compilations or the sequel series like Zeta or ZZ (yet).

2.) Mobile Suit Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket (1989; dir. Fumihiko Takayama): I mentioned that I would permit myself freedom to choose the watch order, but since War in the Pocket is a side-story set around the same period as Mobile Suit Gundam, I feel it would be better to watch the former after the latter, so that I’ll have a better understanding of the setting.

3.) Goldfish Warning! (1991; dir. Junichi Sato): Goldfish Warning! has an interesting history, in that it’s something of a predecessor to Sailor Moon: the latter would reprise the former’s timeslot, much of its staff (including the director and his assistants, among which was a young Kunihiko Ikuhara), and a similar style of slapstick comdey. As a bonus, I’m 99% certain that one of the leads, Chitose Fujinomiya, would serve as inspiration for the Revolutionary Girl Utena character, Nanami Kiryuu. I will be watching both the 45 episode anime series and its accompanying film.

4.) Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995; dir. Hideaki Anno): The thing that piqued my interest in this show was a short review that I read years ago (don’t remember when or where), and that may have been translated from Japanese iirc. The review talked about how gender roles in Eva were inverted compared to mecha shows that came before it, such as how Shinji acted more like stereotypical female characters from such shows, while Asuka acted like what you’d expect from stereotypical male characters. I don’t know how true that observation is, but it stuck with me, and I’ll be keeping an eye out for that. I will be watching the original 26 episodes as well as the End of Evangelion film. I’m debating if I also want to include the Rebuild of Evangelion films, but I’m currently leaning towards watching those sometime later.

5.) FLCL (2000; dir. Kazuya Tsurumaki): I watched the first four episodes at a con, but never finished, so I’ll be doing a rewatch from the first episode. I’ll be watching the original OVA series, but leave the sequel seasons for another time.

*6.) Princess Tutu (2002; dir. Junichi Sato & Shogo Koumoto): I needed to watch this anime after watching an amv of it titled Dance of Death (it’s got spoilers, including for what I’m assuming are the last episodes, but if you don’t mind that or have already seen it, I highly recommend giving it a gander). I watched ‘til around episode 16~ until real life interrupted, so I’m starting over and watching it from the beginning. This is the first of the three shows I’m currently watching, and up next is Ep. 02.

7.) Michiko & Hatchin (2008; dir. Sayo Yamamoto): Multiple reviewers I trust said it was good, the setting and premise sound pretty different from anime norms, and I’m intrigued by the bit of trivia that apparently the director made it explicitly for office ladies to enjoy after coming home from their shift.

8.) Star Driver (2010; dir. Takuya Igarashi): Pretty sure I learned about Star Driver from this chart tracing the work of some of the members of Be-Papas (not *everything* anime-related comes back to Revolutionary Girl Utena, but a lot of it does, yeah  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ). I’ll be watching the series, but I’m not sure about the movie since apparently it’s a compilation film, so I’ll have to think about it.

9..) Penguindrum (2011; dir. Kunihiko Ikuhara & Shouko Nakamura): I’ve heard mixed opinions on this one, but it’s an Ikuhara-directed anime so I want to watch regardless, and form my own opinions about it. I’ll watch the 24 episodes, but I’m not sure about the Re:cycle films that came out recently.

10.) Mob Psycho 100 (2016; dir. Yuzuru Tachikawa, Takahiro Hasui): Someone made a vhs recording of the show’s first OP that ran on loop, and that was apparently enough to lodge itself in my brain. I watched the first season and a couple episodes of the second, until real life interrupted, so I’ll start fresh and watch all three seasons, plus the two OVAs that were apparently made.

11.) Sarazanmai (2019; dir. Nobuyuki Takeuchi & Kunihiko Ikuhara): Another Ikuhara-directed anime. I was halfway through before real life interruptions, but watching 11 episodes should be relatively easy.

12.) Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle (2020; dir. Mitsue Yamazaki): In retrospect, I slept on this show, as I hadn’t realized it was another comedy by the director of Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-kun, not to mention that the premise is a nice subversion of a classic fantasy trope.

13.) Shadows House (2021; dir. Kazuki Ouhashi): I dug the gothic fantasy vibe I got from the review I read. I will be watching both seasons.

*14.) Bocchi the Rock! (2022; dir. Keiichirou Saitou): Repeatedly saw the protagonist compared to Suletta Mercury due to social anxiety, and am staying for the show’s willingness to experiment with animation. This is the second of the three shows I’m currently watching, and up next is Ep. 05.

*15.) Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury (2022; dir. Hiroshi Kobayashi & Ryou Andou): The whole reason I started watching this show was this post. And now I have brainrot am perfectly normal about this show. Starting with Ep. 02, I watched this show every Sunday it was out, and intend to resume doing so in April. It is possible that I might not be able to finish this show in 2023, since previous Gundam shows have run about ~50-ish episodes, and this show’s predecessor, Iron-Blooded Orphans, was initially slated to run only 25 episodes, only to reveal that the show length had been doubled in what would have been the last episode. So, I’ll finish Witch from Mercury in either 2023 or 2024.

*16.) The Magical Revolution of the Reincarnated Princess and the Genius Young Lady (2023; dir. Shingo Tamaki): Another lead compared to Suletta, this time due to rescuing a bride from her jerk fiance and being really gay. This is the third of the three shows I’m currently watching, and up next is Ep. 04.

[moonlightstars16]

“I Am A Warrior!”

30 Days Connverse Challenge

Day 23 ~ Double Date

AN: Some of what your about to read may or may not have happen IRL with my friends. To my good friend and wifu.... I love you but no more drinking one and 2/3's bottle of wine. In the midst of getting our hair colored. Having bleached hair before coloring doesn't count of 'Now's the time to get drunk'. Also all of my friends and myself are responsible when we drink. I was sober to handle them but seriously ya'll.

Don't drink. Don't.

If your over 21(or whatever legal drinking age you are where you live), then please do so responsibly. If your the sober friend(always have at least 1-2), make sure you know what to do, never leave anyone to go pee(unless you did it before the drinking started) not even for two minutes and also HIDE THE ALCOHOL OR BETTER YET GET RID OF IT! And don't drink in the middle of having your hair bleached and/or colored.

"I got this. I GOT this." Connie tried standing up but kept stumbling to the floor. Getting closer and closer to the kitchen.

"Connie...Connie no!" Steven spoke in a concerned warning tone. Walking hesitantly to her side to try and get her to back away from the fridge.

"I got this!.....I am a WARRIOR!" With that she stumbled down laughing on the tile. Patricia was laying between the living room and hallway floors. Trying to get onto the couch. About ten percent sober than the rest of her at the moment.

Days prior Steven and Connie had plans for a double date with Patricia and Daniel. This was a way for Steven to become acquainted with them better. They met up in a more casual restaurant. Connie decided to dress up a bit by wearing a cute floral blouse with jean shorts, boots and her hair half up/down style. Steven was in his normal ensemble but made sure it looked neat.

After getting seated, Connie took the reigns and began the conversation. Starting with the obvious 'how are you's?' and things like that. Shifting to cram school for a little bit. Which lead to the night at the roller rink and fusions. Steven was timid at first then like a natural, he was conversing so smoothly like he did when he was fourteen.

"I never thought I would be able to do it because of me being half human. But I wasn't thinking much about it when I heard this one" he nudged her shoulder with his own with a smile "was a bit to shy to dance in front of others. So I wanted her to enjoy the feeling without the pressure and asked her to dance."

"After a few minutes I accidentally bumped into him and grabbed on to make sure he didn't fall. Within a second we were laughing like no one's business and the next thing we new, we were fused." Connie finished putting a lock of hair behind her ear. Steven squeezing her hand while looking at her. A slight pink blush tinted his cheeks.

"Wow that's so romantic and adorable!" Patricia sighed as she pushed Daniel's shoulder. Making him wince and rubbing his arm.

"What was that for?!"

"Boy you better step up your game!"

"I suppose you forgot who took you to the beach last week and to a private cove by a cliff and we-"

"Oh right!" Putting a hand over his mouth, cutting him off from the rest of the sentence. Both of them laughing at the mere thought.

The rest of dinner was so easy and comfortable. Discussing many topics and various activities they could all do afterwords. Deciding it would be great to go back to Patricia and Daniel's apartment and watch a movie. Both of the gals wanting to get drinks before hand since they were all having fun.

Daniel was on board with Steven hesitantly following. He never had a real, drink-drink, before. Alcohol was something he didn't know how it would affect his magic. But he was reassured since Connie was there that things would be okay. Little did they know that he would be more than alright.

The girls went in Patricia's car while Daniel went in Stevens Dondai to get the beverages. Thankfully both were of age so everything was okay. Getting a couple bottles of wine and one package of fruity drinks with only five percent alcohol. The girls went to grab bleach and hair coloring dye for there hair. It was a choice they made on a whim and were excited for it. Also grabbing cookie dough, oreos and brownie mix to make the ultimate brownie combo.

Once back at the apartment, they made the sweet dessert and then picked the movie while it was baking. The girls went back to the bathroom to begin bleaching. Daniel did it for them since he worked part time in a hair salon owned by his mom. Both wanted hair streaks instead of doing it all over. Steven watched in curiosity since he never saw anything like this in person. They all were vibing to music as Daniel finished up the last bit of Connie's hair and wrapping it in foil.

Walking out they began to watch the movie while waiting thirty to forty-five minutes till they could wash out the bleach. Steven set a second timer on his phone for that alone. Trying not to make jokes with both women glaring at him to not even dare think about it. He chuckled and raised up his hands in surrender and just focused on the film.

By the time ten minutes had passed, the package of four fruity drinks were gone and one wine bottle was empty. Steven went to check on the dessert and take it out. Letting it cool down before cutting it up. It was also in a large container so there was so much of it. He smiled at the sweet scent reached up around his senses.

"Uh Steven, you better get out here!" Rushing he walked out and gasped. Both girls were having a giggling fit and the other bottle of wine was halfway gone. Immediately he grabbed the glasses out of their hands when he had the chance and took away the wine bottle and hid it on top of the fridge. Connie and Patricia were beginning to feel the affects but still were aware.

Steven's phone went off and both him and Daniel led them to the bathroom to wash their hair and get it colored. Patricia doing a midnight blue and Connie a bright pink to match her man. Another thirty minutes later they rinsed the newly colored hair. Daniel drying it and styling both as they admired and began complimenting each other. Steven sighed and smiled at his jam bud as well.

"You look beautiful Connie. And you as well Patricia."

"Ahh thhhankssss SSSSSteven" She replied wobbling all over. Patricia nodded while doing the same. Except holding onto the bathroom counter for balance. With one glance both boys had the same look. The girls were finally drunk. It just took awhile for the affects and the buzz to catch up with them.

"Daniel? What should we do?" shrugging his shoulders Daniel reach out for Patricia with Steven following suit for Connie. They each grabbed their partner's hand and lead them out of the bathroom. Needing them to sit and focus on something to get them calm. However that didn't help when they fell over because of something that wasn't even funny. But they were laughing in hysterics.

That's was the rest of the evening. Steven trying to get the wine bottle out of Connie's hand (too late since all the contents were gone) and healing her burnt hand from the hot brownie pan. Daniel trying to get Patricia to sit on the couch and try to focus on the screen. Getting coffee for her to calm her down. Both boys soon found themselves with the girls on their laps passed out with pieces of the epic brownie already in their stomachs. Finishing up the film before Steven left with his girlfriend.

"Well thanks for letting us come over." He whispered to Daniel, carrying an unconscious Connie in his arms. "Even if it ended up this way."

"Well we did have fun...and I got videos for blackmail if you want it." He smirked and showed from an hour ago where Patricia was singing 'Edge Of Glory' by Lady Gaga while trying to dance(or get up really) on the coffee table. Connie was sprawled out with empty bottles from earlier around her on the floor. Steven smirked and tried not to laugh, feeling a bit guilty for even seeing this. But he was too tired to think about it in depth right now.

After they got back to his house, he slipped her in his bed. Taking off her shoes and making sure she was comfortable. Smiling adoringly as she snuggled into his star pillow like a young child. With a sigh he went to grab aspirin and a cup of water. She was going to need it after all. He was sure she would like his healing powers right now.

However she also made a big deal of only using it in emergencies. For drunk Connie he figured this was a great lesson for her to learn. Over excessiveness of this sort was not okay. Not unplanned at least. Grabbing a mug he got coffee as well because it was her favorite treat and something she needed for the upcoming hangover. Something he wasn't looking forward too.

[romantic-witch]

All You Had To Do Was Stay // David [Pt. 2]

imagine: david confessing about everything

please please read the first chapter first, it's right: here

inspired: you are in love (taylor swift)

warning: english is not my first language. please correct me if I have any grammar mistakes.

Zane, thanks to god, was really understanding of me editing the video by myself. I finished his last vlog and while uploading, he texted me, saying:

"I just filmed a quick bonus video, it's a brand deal don't worry. I'm gonna drive to San Diego to shoot some stuff so I'll drop off the memory card."

Zane making my life easier once again. I had no intention of going back to LA. At least maybe for a thousand years. I can’t, after that night. David tried to call me four times but I ignored two of them and missed the other two.

At least my beliefs didn't change. God sent me another so called "clue" and it failed so back to being an atheist, I guess.

The whole week passed really quicker than I thought. I went to some classes, learned I got an A from my multimedia storytelling class, and ditched some classes, for example that boring ass class named principles of public relations. Of course it's my worst class since I'm not a social butterfly.

I was out, doing some paper work for one of my classes when a text from Zane appeared on my phone.

"Babyy, we decided to shoot in Santa Barbara, so can you pick up the memo card from Scott?"

I responded:

"What was he doing with your memo card lmao?"

"He ran out of storage in his card."

"He says hi btw."

I sent a waving hand emoji and then texted:

"I'll call Scott when I arrive in his place."

He sent an okay emoji.

I handed my work from Google Classroom and started packing my stuff. It was 3.34 pm. It was exactly the time I would start my hour and a half road trip to LA, like every other Friday. I head back to my dorm, dropped off my textbooks and laptop, and with that I began my road trip to the one place I said I wouldn’t go for the rest of my life, with my Subaru SUV.

When it’s the decision of the boss, who literally pays for my student loans, I had to do it.

-

LA traffic is the worst. We literally had zero traffic back in the island. Guam, with over 100k citizens still managed to be the most amazing thing that ever happened to USA while people are praising the City of Angels with it's unbearable traffic and horrible pizza.

I was jamming to some '80s music and then my car, since it's connected to my phone, alarmed me saying:

"You got a new message from..."

The car lady waited a split second and then added:

"David. Do you want me to read it?"

I responded no and got my phone just to see the notification.

"Hey! Heard you were coming to LA? Can we talk?"

I literally threw my phone back to its place, the shotgun seat, and focused more to the road and Madonna.

Maybe if I stop talking to him, he'll think I'm just a piece of ass and stop liking me.

That was my mind set for this past week. Yes, I ignored some of my friends when we got into an argument, but maybe for 10 minutes. I have been ignoring David for the past week, and if he did the same thing to me, I would be pretty pissed. 

He loves Liza. I am just trying to help him see the truth, or the bigger picture. Every single person believes they are going to get married, have 3 kids and two dogs in a huge ass mansion by the time they are 30. Okay, maybe not that early, but still.

The traffic finally gotten better and I started to drive a little bit faster. At least I was not in the highway anymore. Highways give me anxiety and that is no good considering I will have another one just about 25 minutes, when I arrive at the house. But my car, most certainly, was not feeling too great. Some noises started to came from the back which I specifically turned off the radio to hear it.

I pulled over and saw a little hole in my tire, which let the air come out of it. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Why do all of these things happen to me in very specific times? I called someone that could help and waited for them in a nearby cafe for almost an hour.

Scott, Matt and David texted me, saying: in order,

"Hey, I'm going out to see a film with Kristen, text me when you come."

"Heard you were coming to LA, wanna binge the new Titans on Netflix and talk how bad it is?"

"Are you okay?"

"Are you okay?"

The message was continued with two other messages saying:

"You were suppose to come 30 minutes ago."

"I mean you are not suppose to, you usually come around that time."

I wanted to say something. At least tell him that my car broke. But I know for a fact that he will come up here and pick me up. So I texted Scotty.

"Hey, my car broke in Moorpark Street, I'll probably be around when you guys finish the movie. Just wanted to let you know."

"Oh god, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. No worries."

"Our film is about to start, should I sent anybody?"

"Noooo, but thank you anyways."

"Okay, I'll get to you after the film."

After about an hour and three minutes, the employee came and started to look at my tire. She explained that she needed to take it back to the repair shop since it looked like something looks like it stuck between my tire and my car.

She jokingly added:

"Hope, it's not a squirrel or anything!" and started laughing.

I just wished it wasn't and nervously smiled.

My car was starting to get it's place in the truck the lady came with and all I did was to stare at it and think of all the money this was going to take, I didn't realise I was silently crying until the truck started moving and I saw my car in the back of it.

The lady offered me a ride but her place was so off where I was heading, I politely refused.

I started to walk, the house was about 30 minutes away from where I was at. A quick nice walk, Pearl. That's good for your body.

I was walking for almost 5 minutes when a car honk behind me, gave me the chills.

It was the white Tesla.

David looked at me from the open window and said:

"Hop on!"

At this point all I wanted was to edit Zane's video so I did get into his car.

"Hi"

"Hey, Scott texted me but I had to look through the whole Avenue to find you."

"You didn't have to David."

"It's fine, it's fine."

We drove back to the house and didn't have a word.

I can feel his little glances from time to time, but I tried so hard not to look at him. Even once. The city lights were catching my eye, not him.

How can silence be this loud?

It was getting dark and after 20 minutes of driving, we finally came.

David stopped the car, which led the Tesla to open the car lights inside.

David immediately turn the lights off and started to stare at me. And I couldn't help myself but look deeply at him as well.

I got out of the car.

I felt a little tear in my right eyeball falling down, I immediately wiped it off with my hand.

I knocked the door. This was something nobody did in this house. I heard come in from, I'm assuming Jason, and went in.

I pull out my phone and texted Scott that I made it home and then asked Jason where the memo card is.

He said: "You should check the kitchen, it's where Scott edits the most."

I head to the kitchen and Scott's computer, with the memo card plugged in, was on the counter.

Me, being the bad bitch I am, pulled the memo card out of the computer which led to his computer warning me with the notification. 

David was nowhere to be seen. This was my time to escape LA and go back to Long Beach. I’ll catch a bus provided by my lovely school. The MTA Express bus station is not far away. 

The second I opened the house’s main door, Jason from the other side of the room, said:

“Are you leaving?”

“Yeah, gotta edit some stuff.”

“Well, David said he is waiting for you in Todd’s room.”

“Why can’t he, tell that to my face?”

Jason sighed and continued:

“Look Pearl, David might look like a 22 year old adult but he is a literal child. But you are an adult. I know what you are trying to do and I totally understand. But my only advise would be talk to him. Tell your feeling to him, whether it is positive or not.”

These were the only wise words I have heard from Jason. And he looked very sincere. 

“Okay.” I said and walked to Todd’s room.

Jason shouted from the living room:

“You are doing the right thing!”

Todd’s room door was closed. Before heading in, I took a deep breath and leaned my forehead beside the door. 

I opened the door. 

I actually never been in Todd’s room, for obvious reasons. First being, I am just an editor and that was the only reason actually.

A “Hi” came from David but it was quite like mice.

“Hi.” I said.

He was sitting on the bed. I don’t want to be near him so I just stood next to the door.

“So what you wanna talk about?” I said.

I knew what was about to happen but I asked him anyway.

“You know what I wanna talk about.”

“Enlighten me then.” I said jokingly, while sitting in front of David on the bed. 

With his classic laugh, David fell to his back and hit the head of the bed.

I giggled and asked if he was okay.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” 

We stared at each other for awhile.   

“I gotta go David, what were you gonna tell me?” I said.

I loved breaking the mood. David’s face went down.

“You don’t think I like you.”

“I don’t think about it, I know it for a fact.”

“How can you know something this personal about me? Think about that then!”

“David, I am just trying for you to see the bigger picture. I see how you look at Liza every single day. I see how you talk about her, those things are not the things you say about a friend.”

“Because she is not my friend.”

“Exactl-”

“She is one of my best friends. We shared a lot of great memories together but the conclusion not only Liza came, but me as well, we are better off as friends.” David bursted.

“I just can’t think of a single reasonable solution why aren’t we together.” he continued.

“I like you and you like me, but you are sitting here stuck in my past relationship more than I am. It might not show it that well but I really really like you Pearl. And I can’t think of-”

I kissed him. I, Pearl Manglona, kissed my dream boy. Well, he kissed me back as well. That was the big shocker.

The kiss became a little steamy when he let me sit on his lap.

And a little more steamy when he pulled his shirt off.

Which let me take off mine as well.

We kissed for maybe a solid forty seconds, after he started kissing my neck. 

He made some solid points about me while he literally confronted me just 5 minutes ago, but he did not knew about my sweet spot. 

I immediately started to giggle, which let me laughing.

David’s face lighten up and said: “I did not taught you were ticklish.” 

“Well I didn’t think I would be confronted by a 22 year old with the mental age of 8.”

“I really like you, wow.”

I went for another kiss.

-

Well thank you for reading!

Also very sorry that I couldn’t upload it sooner. Believe me, I was creatively exhausted.

lots and lots of love <3

zayn :)

[ellymunro-blog]

Hello everybody! The name’s Cat (or Speedy... I answer to both). I’m 25, cisfemale, and from the EST timezone. I’ve recently just started a new job; and I’m also still recovering from a surgery I had last month. So I will apologize in advance if my activity isn’t the greatest. I promise it’ll pick up once my life becomes less hectic...

Anyway, I bring to you my little weirdo Ellis “Elly” Munro. She’s a modified version of a character I’ve played in a few groups before; so I’m interested in seeing how Crownsville Elly turns out. This RP honestly looks so great; and I can’t wait to start plotting with y’all! 

[ willa holland, twenty-three, cisfemale, she/her ]  — hey, I just saw [ ellis “elly” munro ] walking down the streets of crownsville. they’ve lived in town for [ two years ], and you can catch them around town working as a [sales associate at shazam comics ]. I hear they’re known to be [ loyal & determined ] and [ stubborn & cynical ]. if asked, they would say their aesthetic would be [ sushi rolls, piles of comic books, extra large cups of coffee, movie theatres, bruised knuckles, hospital bracelets ].

Backstory (trigger warning: mentions of chronic illness)

Ellis Amalia-Rose Munro, more commonly known as Elly, was born and raised in Los Angeles (Hollywood), California to an up-and-coming thriller screenwriter/director and his trophy wife. She was their second child, having a brother roughly thirteen years older.

Growing up, her family was well-off due to her father’s success with many of his films. He was, by no means, a household name as far as filmmakers went; but for fans of thrillers, most knew at least a good handful of his work (think of him like Shyamalan only not quite as popular).

She actually had a tendency to have a small role in every single one of her father’s films. This continued up until she moved away for college.

At the age of 3, she was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. She had faced multiple lung infections as well as poor weight gain for her first few years of life, thus leading to the diagnosis.

Her CF has always been well managed. It’s not something she ever let get in her way. She was always the very rambunctious and active child, just sometimes needing to take more breaks than others.

She was also a child model from the ages of 7-11. An agent had seen her in one of her father’s films and reached out. She was compliant for a few years; but modeling just was never really her thing.

Her mother is from Chelsea, London; and she grew up visiting her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins there every summer. London is one of her favorite places to go; and she’s quite proud of her British heritage.

At a young age, she was introduced to the world of comics and superheroes; and she was hooked from the start. She used to pretend she was a superhero, running around her house dressed like her favorites and wishing she had superpowers.

Due to her love of comics and superheroes, her parents thought it would be a good idea to get her involved in activities that would allow her to “train to be a superhero”. They signed her up for martial arts (she’s now a 4x blackbelt) and gymnastics. This way, she could use her imagination and stay in shape.

As the years went on, fencing and archery were added to Elly’s list of activities. And as soon as she learned what it was, she took up parkour as well. And out of everything she’s done, parkour has forever been her favorite.

She was actually once scouted for the Olympic archery team; and her coach kept encouraging her to train for a goal of the Olympics. But she never had any interest. To her, archery was just a hobby and nothing more.

After high school, she decided to go across the country for college; and wanting to stay in an area with warmer weather (she hates the cold/snow), she decided on attending the University of Miami as a psychology major.

While attending the University of Miami, she initially had no desire to end up on Greek Row. But she ultimately ended up pledging for and joining a sorority (Chi Omega) during her time at the college. 

Loving the east coast, she figured she’d want to stay in Miami or go elsewhere in Florida upon graduation (or not as she only finished three years of school); but she somehow ended up settling in the small town of Crownsville, Georgia. She’d gone home over the holidays with a friend who lived there; and she just felt drawn to the town.

That was a little over two years ago. Elly’s been in Crownsville pretty much ever since. She’s started making a life for herself here. She’s gotten a job working as a sales associate at Shazam Comics; and she’s also gotten herself a little apartment downtown. And while she often does miss California and her family, she’s started to become really happy in small town Georgia.

When it comes to her CF, she’s always been one to not feel the need to hide it. She’s been like this since she was little; and even now, she doesn’t feel the need to hide. It’s not something she tells everything; but she’s okay with people knowing she’s sick.

Another important thing about Elly is the fact she’s training to hopefully make it on to American Ninja Warrior. She fell in love with the show when she first saw it several years back; and given her hobbies, she’s always felt like she was a good candidate. She has yet to try out; but her plan is to try out this upcoming season.

Recently, however, her health has started to decline. Her lung function is now in the yellow; and it’s really scared her. She’s started to wonder if she should give up on her American Ninja Warrior dream in favor of her health. Her fall back plan is to open her own archery school or maybe get back into acting.

Likes: comic books, superheroes, coffee, sushi, movies, parkour, archery, katanas, tattoos, cosplaying, video games, flannel, hoodies, beanies, combat boots, avocados, star wars, workouts, roses, kingdom hearts, stitch, stuffed animals, british sweets, funkos, motorcycles, skateboarding, jolly ranchers, american ninja warrior, bdsm

Dislikes: hospitals, swimming, cold weather, snow/ice, kale, cats, needles, alcohol, energy drinks, high heels

Misc. Facts

Her parents almost named her Ellis Isla; but they opted not to due to the fact it sounded too close to Ellis Island.

She has 4 blackbelts (karate, taekwondo, jiujitsu, krav maga); so don’t piss her off.

She can swim; but she’s honestly not a fan of water. Despite growing up in California, she doesn’t like the ocean.

She doesn’t like the taste of alcohol; so she doesn’t drink. If you ever see her drinking, she’s probably in a really bad place.

She can do a spot-on impression of Aqua from Kingdom Hearts and a pretty decent impression of Stitch. 

She loves stuffed animals. Her bed is covered in them. Her favorites are Batbear, Stitch, Toad, and a sushi roll with a face. Batbear is like her security blanket.

She does have her driver’s license; but she doesn’t have a car in Crownsville. She has her red Ducati; but Uber is still her preferred mode of transportation. 

She was born a month and a half prematurely. Her due date was February 14th. 

Because of her CF, she has a feeding tube (g-tube) that’s normally hidden under her clothing. She also does several daily treatments (nebulizers, vibrating vest) to combat her symptoms as well as takes pancreatic enzymes before each meal.

She wears a medical ID bracelet that states she has CF and that she’s allergic to latex, penicillin, and prednisone. It’s not noticeable as an ID bracelet unless one really looks at it.

She has saved two people from getting hit by cars by pushing them out of the way and taking their place. The first time, she was 15. The second time, she was 23.

[trigger warning] She is actually unable to have children of her own; but she doesn’t actually know this yet. could be potential plot-line if anyone is ever interested

Wanted Connections

Older Brother  —  This is pretty self explanatory. Elly has an older brother; and this connection is for him. I picture him being roughly ten years older than she is (give or take a few years) and being in Crownsville for reasons UTP. His faceclaim and name are also UTP (though I gotta admit my bias towards Stephen Amell or Colin Donnell FCs). OPEN (0/1)

Father  — Elly’s father is a thriller screenwriter and director by the name of Chandler Munro. I think it might be cool if he showed up in Crownsville for whatever reason. He could be filming a movie in the small town or just coming to catch up with his children. I would like his FC to be John Barrowman; though I am open to discuss others. OPEN (0/1)

Extended Family  — Maybe for some reason, one of Elly’s extended family members (most likely a cousin from England) comes to visit her in Crownsville and ends up staying for awhile. OPEN (0/?)

College Friend  — This connection is for the friend with whom Elly went home for the holidays with one year while attending the University of Miami. This friend lived in Crownsville and is part of the reason Elly lives there now. Everything about this friend is UTP: name, age, gender, faceclaim, etc. I’m not picky; though I would love for them to have stayed friends. TAKEN (1/1)

Childhood Friends  — This is for any friends of Elly’s from back when she lived in Los Angeles. She could’ve known them back in elementary, middle, or high school. They could’ve lost touch and then met up again in Crownsville or stayed friends since they first met. OPEN (0/?)

Roommate — Upon first coming to Crownsville, Elly got herself a decent sized apartment downtown. I would love for her to have a roommate she shares this apartment (and its rent) with. TAKEN (1/1)

Ex-Roommate  — This was a previous roommate of Elly’s. This individual stopped being her roommate for reasons open to discussion. OPEN (0/2)

Ride or Die  — Give me a ride or die bestie for Elly please. I have no preference for gender, age, how they met... Everything would be discussed upon inquiry. I just want her to have that one person she’d do anything for. OPEN (1/2)

Nurse Friend(s)  — Elly is kind of a wild one. With her hobbies and desire to be on American Ninja Warrior, she has quite the tendency to get injured. She could definitely use some friends with medical training to help her out from time to time. OPEN (1/?)

Doctors  — Since Elly has CF, she does spend a good amount of time at doctors offices. This connection would be for any of the doctors who treat her; though I mostly would love to see her pulmonologist. OPEN (0/?)·         

Red Band Society  — This is for anyone else dealing with any type of medical condition. Elly and these individuals have formed a sort of support system for one another. OPEN (1/?)

Ex-Boyfriend(s)  — Again, this is super self explanatory. Elly and this guy (or guys if I decide to make her have more than one ex) used to date. And now they’re not. Why they broke up and all the details of their relationship would be discussed upon inquiry. They could either be total enemies now or still be cordial. OPEN (0/3)

Friends With Benefits — I feel like most of my wanted connections are self explanatory. This is your standard friends with benefits connection and plotline. It could have the potential to turn into something or just stay FWB. OPEN (1/2)

Straight Until Prove Bi  — As of now, Elly identifies as straight; but I am not against her having an experience with another girl. OPEN (0/1)

Future Love Interest  — Self explanatory. At some point in the future, Elly is gonna end up in another relationship. This is mostly open to males; but I would not object to a female if the chemistry was there. OPEN (0/1)

Workout/Sparring Buddies — Elly spends a lot of her free time working out; and it’d be great for her to have someone she can work out with. Whether it be at the gym, while kickboxing, or even while doing parkour, a friend can make a workout so much less boring and routine. OPEN (0/?)

Stylist  — Elly has been very much a tomboy since she was small. This connection would be for the individual in Crownsville who attempts to give her a makeover and make her more “girly”. TAKEN (1/1)

Tattoo Artist  — Elly loves tattoos and is working on obtaining quite the collection. This individual is the one who has done most of hers and is the one she’d go back to when she’s ready to get her next tattoo. OPEN (0/2)

Fans of Chandler Munro — Like stated in her little backstory, Elly’s father (Chandler Munro) is a thriller movie director and screenwriter. I’d like if there was someone who was a big fan of her father’s films and tried to use Elly to get autographs, spoilers of upcoming movies, a small role in an upcoming movie, etc. OPEN (0/?)

General Friends, Frienemies, Co-Workers, Neighbors, etc. 

More to come...

click here for Elly’s stats page

[blazardragon]

Korotan D - Chapter 2: English Translation

Here’s chapter 2 of Korotan D! Like with chapter 1, I want to highlight who appears for any fans of any particular characters, but it’s a lot harder this time around because chapter 2 begins with Class E reuniting with each other, and then later, Kayano, so just about everyone appears. Some highlights include Nagisa being shown to have picked up some of Korosensei’s teaching habits, the return of Karma vs Terasaka antics, Hazama being amazingly clever, Takebayashi’s otaku-ness being incredibly useful, and a professional Kayano.

As a heads up to readers, this chapter is nearly twice as long as chapter one (which is among several reasons why it took so long for me to finish this), so while there’s much to enjoy, it may take some time to read it all. Like last time, I scanned and inserted pictures as they appeared in the book.

Chapter 2: Graduation Trip Time

“It’s been awhile!”

“How have you been!?”

At the airport, a reunited 3-E was chattering with each other. They talked with those who went to the same high school or lived in the same neighborhood, and thus met each other often, and they talked with those whom they haven’t seen since the anniversary of Korosensei’s death, a time when everyone in Class E gathers together.

“Sugino, looks like you’ve gotten even more buffed since the last time I saw you, huh?”

Sugino smiled at Maehara, who had called out to him.

“Yeah, I guess so. I’m aiming for entering the pro leagues in four years, so I’m carefully honing my body.”

Sugino’s body had gotten even bigger than when he played at Koshien.*

“I bet you’ll kick ass on the college baseball scene, too!”

“Yeah!”

Sugino was feeling great, but he suddenly looked nervous.

“Kanzaki-san…!”

She was always a beautiful girl, but now she’s dazzlingly beautiful.

Sugino’s heart secretly leapt in his chest.

“It’s been a while, Sugino-kun. When you were playing at Koshien, I was cheering for you as I watched you on TV.”

“Really!? Thanks so much! They say it was a miracle that we made it through that first round, but maybe it was all thanks to you, Kanzaki-san!” Sugino said as he breathed raggedly through his nose.

“Hey, sorry I’ve been neglecting to keep in contact with you all.” Takebayashi appeared out of nowhere together with Okajima.

“Ah-, Take-chan, long time no see! Oka-chin’s** here too~!” Kurahashi waved her hands.

“You decided on going to the Metropolitan University of Agriculture, right Kurahashi-san?”

“Yup yup, I’ll get to play around with all sorts of living creatures there~ You’re going to be a doctor, right Take-chan?”

“My application tentatively went through, so I’ll need to steadily work on my weak points. Okajima, are you going straight forward on the path of eroticism as usual?”

Okajima puffed out his chest as he answered Takebayashi.

“Well, you see, I’ve got my heart set on eroticism, so I don’t need something like college. I’m going to dive straight into the freelancing business and take erotic gravure photos of women all over the world!”

“Wow~, I don’t really get you, but that’s so cool!”

He received praise from Kurahashi, but Kanzaki found him a little disturbing.

 The jet airplane that Class E had boarded took off with a roar. It steadily grew further from the ground, and in no time at all, only the sky and the clouds below remained visible.

“Hey, so are we gonna arrive at Kayano’s filming site?”

“Hmm~ Who really knows~? This movie is a massive international collaborative work, which means their shooting team will be quite conspicuous, so as long as we’re near the site, we should be able to find them somehow, right?”

Karma responded to Yada’s question with a carefree tone. Terasaka shouted upon listening to the exchange.

“Karma, you bastard! You’re the one who came up with the idea, so be more serious about it!”

“Of course.”

Karma sneakily took something out of his backpack and handed it to Terasaka.

“Okay, here you go, Terasaka.”

Terasaka eyed him suspiciously as he took and opened the package, revealing a t-shirt and banner inside. The t-shirt had a photo of Kayano’s face plastered on it, with the accompanying caption, “Mase Haruna is my wife,” in large letters. Takebayashi then took the shirt and turned it around, revealing the words, “I’m serious” in large letters on the back.

“This is quite well-made,” Takebayashi said in admiration.

“I had such a hard time selecting a picture. If you wear this T-shirt and raise this banner, I have no doubt the locals will pity you and take you to her. Good luck~“

“Who the hell would do that!?”

Hazama, with a book in hand, glared menacingly at Karma and Terasaka, who were making a ruckus.

“Ugh, looks like those boys haven’t grown out of fooling around since middle school.”

“Shut up, Hazama! You’re just as much of a bookworm as ever, you know? And what’s with the English novel, anyway?”

“This is the original novel Kayano’s movie is based on. It might give us clues regarding the location of her film shoot, am I wrong?”

Everyone around her resounded with an “Oooh!”

“So? What kind of story is it?”

“The hero is a no-good man who gambles for a living and dreams of getting rich quick. One day, he ends up helping out a girl from Japan and, after mistakenly thinking that she likes him, protects a Buddha statue from rogues for her sake.”

“A buddha statue?”

“It’s no ordinary statue. It’s the key to unraveling the mystery left behind by an ancient civilization. It’s an ancient civilization in an adventure novel, so of course the key is going to be some worn-out item, right? The buddha statue is housed in an old temple, powerfully depicted as one eroded by the jungle’s trees. This scene is surely going to be used in the movie. The place we’re headed to is the perfect location for this, correct?”

Hazama waited for Nagisa’s reply, who was looking over his shoulder as he listened to her.

“Yeah, there are famous temples designated as World Heritage Sites. Many of these temples are scattered inside the jungle, some buried as if they were eaten by the jungle itself. I researched these temples in advance and wrote up a summary of my findings, so please take this, everyone.”

Nagisa gave out guidebooks containing information on the locale’s Heritage Sites to everybody.  

“Thanks, Nagisa! That’s an aspiring teacher for you. This reminds me of Korosensei when we went on that school trip.” Isogai thanked Nagisa as he received his guidebook.

“Ha ha ha…… these aren’t as thick as his, though.”

Karma also took a guidebook from Nagisa.

“Well, you can’t do more than what you can. Takebayashi, how’s things going on the SNS?”

“Ritsu helped me out. We’ve collected all the information posted about the staff for Gold City.”

Ritsu sent all the photos they had collected to everyone’s smartphones.

“There was nothing written down identifying the film’s shooting location. However, we did find a few landscape photos of the shooting location uploaded online. Please look at these photographs.”

“The temple is pictured behind Gold City’s lead actor, Jerome March.”

“Woah, it’s Jerome March! He’s so cool!”

“He’s the biggest young movie star right now!”

Hara listened to Nakamura as she raved in high spirits.  

“I also expanded our search to include locations shown in anime. For the sake of making a holy pilgrimage, I’ve learned to compare the backgrounds drawn in anime with photos and identify their locations. After all, even now, anime backgrounds are often drawn by tracing real-life landscapes. For example, I can determine which direction to go based on which way the antenna on a house might be installed.”

Takebayashi fixed his glasses.

“S-so you’d go that far…”

Takebayashi saw that Yada was a little put off by his words, but he didn’t mind her reaction and continued speaking.

“When I analyzed that location through this method, I found some ruins in Nagisa’s guidebook that have a high probability of being the location of the film shoot. It’s in a post from six hours ago.”

“Alright! Then let’s go to the Wat Baken*** ruins!”

Sugino yelled out to everyone from the tension built-up inside of him. Watching how excited everyone was, Nagisa remembered the past. Their English skills which were nurtured when they were in middle school are now being fully utilized to collect all this information for their overseas trip. Feeling Korosensei’s existence close beside him, Nagisa gently thanked his former teacher within his heart.

And so, with their hearts filled with anticipation, Class E enjoyed their plane trip.

 “And, action!”

 A sharp voice resonated throughout the ancient ruins. In a gaping wide opening within the jungle laid temples from a dynasty which had boasted of greatness over a thousand years ago. Even now, the huge stone buildings still held a solemn majesty as they remained affixed to the ground.

That group of temples was the shooting site for the international collaborative film Gold City, but there was a tense atmosphere drifting through as the staff watched the actors with nervous faces. The leading actor, Jerome March, had made multiple blunders, so the director, Nathonni, was fuming mad. Since his teenage years, Jerome has been in hit after hit, raising him to stardom. Paired with his bright and uninhibited character, he was able to become a young star boasting popularity worldwide. Thanks to that popularity, he earned a role in Gold City.  

On the other side was Kayano, who returned to the world of entertainment after entering high school and performed in one TV drama or movie after another. As a competent young actress fluent in English, she, too, got a role in the movie.

In the scene they are currently shooting, Jerome, who plays the hero, has just arrived at the temple with the girl who came from Japan. The girl, named Rin, murmured under her breath as she faced the temple her archeologist father had studied for so many years.

“This is the temple father devoted his whole lifetime to studying.”

“So, we’ve finally reached your dad’s temple, huh……? Talk about worn-out.”

Nathonni stood up from his director’s chair.

“Cut! That’s no good. Jerome, that remark about it being ‘worn-out’ isn’t needed there. Don’t add any unnecessary ad libs. Focus on playing your part properly!”

Jerome, who ruined the drama with his lines, shrugged his shoulders and sulked.

“There’s a lot of onlookers who came to see my magnificent self, so I just can’t concentrate!”  

As Jerome said, many spectators were gathered around the film site. Adults and children alike were highly interested in seeing an international star appear on shoot.

Rather than return to her car, Kayano took shelter from the sweltering heat by taking cover under the shade of a tree as she waited for Jerome’s mood to improve.

The heat of the tropical jungle took its toll on Kayano, who had just come from Japan when Spring had only barely begun.   She had to preserve her strength for her next appearance.

As she was sitting in her chair and cooling herself down, Class E suddenly came into her mind.

Everyone should be on their graduation trip right now. I really wanted to go with them…

She knew that such things would be impossible once she began working, but she deeply regretted that she had to miss such an opportunity to meet with all her precious friends in Class E.

Memories of her days in Class E flooded into her one after another.  

She remembered the time when she pretended to be fine as she bore the pain of the tentacles, the time when Korosensei came to Kayano’s rescue during their class trip, and the time she made that giant pudding. And, she remembered the time when Nagisa and Korosensei saved her life……

“Kayano”

While immersed in her memories, someone shouts out the name she was called when she was in Class E.

 This isn’t good. I’m so immersed that I’m hearing voices. Furthermore, of all things, it’s the voice I’ve wanted to hear the most……

 She stood up from her chair and shook her head.

“Kayano”

This time, she heard the voice clearly. She turns to face the direction of the voice and finds a familiar face. It was Nagisa.

“Nagisa!?”

She yelled out without thinking and rushed over to him. It wasn’t just Nagisa. The faces of everyone in Class E were lined up with Karma in front.

“Eeeh, why is everyone here!?”

“Ahaha……,” Nagisa answered ambiguously with a laugh. Karma explained in Nagisa’s place with a mischievous smile on his face.

“It’s really just a coincidence~. The destination for our graduation trip just happens to be the same as your film location~”

“I’m so surprised! I was just thinking about all of you, so I thought I was seeing an illusion!”

Kayano showed them a smile full of joy.

After not seeing Kayano up-close after so long, her friends in Class E where all charmed by her figure. Dressed for her role, she wore a tank top and shorts, giving her a rough appearance, but at the same time, her appearance shone much more brilliantly than ever before.

“That’s an international actress for you. You’ve gotten even cuter!”

Kayano felt shy from such a voice. As Class E noisily clamored around her,

“Haruna? What’s up?”

Nathonni went up and called out to Kayano.

“My dear friends have come to see me! We were classmates in middle school!”

“Oh? If they’re your friends, then they’re welcome here. You’re a true professional. A respectable actress.”

Nathonni bluntly praised Kayano. While Kayano thanked him for his kindness, Karma boldly began speaking to Nathonni.

“I’m a fan of your work. I got into your stuff after seeing Kill Romance, and I flew from Japan to Hawaii to watch Sonic Ninja.”

“I’m happy to hear that! Please promote this movie more and more in Japan!”

Karma firmly shook the hand offered to him by Nathonni.

“Ah, over there, isn’t that Jerome March?”

As Okajima pointed his finger, Yada and Nakamura followed suit.

“You’re right! It’s Jerome!”

“Wow, he’s super handsome in person! He’s got such an aura!”

Jerome turned his eyes towards the onlookers, and, upon noticing the girls in Class E, responded with a courteous raise of his hand.

“Jerome looked this way!”

“I saw his face for a second!”

The girls of Class E made a racket over every single move the young superstar made.

At last, Jerome left his trailer, making the filming site boom with energy as the staff sped up his preparation.

“Director, I’m ready.”

Upon hearing the star’s words, Nathonni and Kayano returned to the site.

 The tension was high on the site as an important scene between Jerome and Rin fast approached them.

Kayano and Jerome stood by themselves before the temple as the makeup artist nimbly reapplied their makeup. The camera operator had his lens trained on the flames.

As if to pierce the thick atmosphere, Nathonni’s shout flew through the air.

“Action!”

The camera was turned towards them.

Waking up after a fall, Rin spoke to Jerome, who watched her with a worried gaze.

“Thanks for saving me again.”

“From now on, I’ll save you as many times as it takes.”

Rin had made a sweet expression, but suddenly her expression turned severe as she said,

“You’re only in it for the money.”

“Yeah, I do love money. But you know, there are other things I love besides money!”

“Like what!?”

At Rin’s strong response, Jerome grabbed both her shoulders.

“You.”

Jerome’s face closed in on Rin’s, ready to kiss.

Class E watched Kayano’s kiss scene unfolding before their eyes.

“Oh shit, it’s a kiss scene!” Okajima whispered in a low voice.

However, Rin turned her face away.

“Cut, cut!”

At the same moment the director’s voice called out, Kayano apologized to Jerome.

“I’m so sorry!”

“You’re nervous because your partner is the Jerome, right? Relax, relax.”

She smiled at Jerome and took a look at her face, biting her lip in frustration.

“Take two, action!”

They reshot the scene and redid the kiss scene. The part where they say their lines went by smoothly, but once they got to the kiss, Kayano would get nervous and become stiff as a board, making the footage unusable once again. After that, they botched take three, then take four, and after take five, Nathonni yelled out,

“Cut! It looks like this isn’t going to work no matter how many times we try. Let’s shoot some more scenes, and once you’ve thrown off your reserve, go back to the kiss scene.”

“Wait a sec, can we postpone the kiss? We can look forward to it later.” Jerome winked at Kayano.

While the film staff moved around the cameras and lighting for the next scene, Nathonni gave Kayano a long, hard talking to. Class E watched Kayano anxiously.

Then, the film group went on their lunch break. Class E had lunch at one of the food stalls close to the entrance of the ruins, where they joined with Kayano.

“Good work, Kayano-chan~”

When Kurahashi greeted Kayano with an innocent smile, Kayano felt as if she was back in Class E.

Forgetting even her tiredness from working on the film, she let out a natural smile.

“Hinano-chan!”

“You’re amazing! You spoke super-fluent English with Jerome March!”

Upon receiving praise from Maehara, Kayano smiled bitterly and shook her head.

“It was pretty unsteady and shaky. Even though Korosensei and Bitch-sensei drove it into me, my skills will quickly grow dull if I don’t use them.”

“I didn’t get that impression at all though? Your acting was also almost completely spot on. It was only near the end when you looked like you were having a bit of a hard time.”

Maehara’s words made Kayano recall her repeated performance mistakes. Everyone else wouldn’t understand since they don’t know how she usually is, but her acting earlier was so unbelievably poor compared to her usual abilities that she couldn’t help punishing herself.

 I’ve done so many kiss scenes already, and yet…

Muramatsu asked Kayano with a broad grin,

“So you were nervous having such a handsome Hollywood star come in such close range after all?”

“Y-yeah, you might be right, ahaha.”

Kayano forced out a laugh as she tilted her head. Understanding the true meaning behind Kayano’s smile, Karma whispered into Kayano’s ear,

“I’m sorry Kayano-chan…… if there’s a kiss scene involved, then I guess it would’ve been better if I didn’t bring Nagisa, huh?”

“Huh!?”

He hit the nail on the head, making Kayano’s face instantly dyed in a bright red.

Seeing a competent, veteran actress lose herself over a single person was amusing to Karma, so he couldn’t help messing with her a bit.

Curious about filming, Yada asked Kayano,

“Hey, hey, isn’t it tougher to be in an international collaborative film compared to a Japanese drama or movie?”

“Y-yeah…Well, somehow I manage to get by with my English, but the film’s staff come from all sorts of different countries, and almost nobody out of the people hired on site can speak in English, so when you put all that together, it makes things very difficult for the line producer. Everyone is using everything they have, but it still takes a lot of time.”

“Wow, really?”

“The director will suddenly come up with an idea, but every time the staff tries to implement it, we end up with something nonsensical, and there are times when we simply don’t have enough manpower to do it anyway.”  

Karma was in admiration.

“Ah, that’s so like Nathonni. It’s the directors with that degree of selfishness that are able to make interesting movies.”

Karma glanced at his wristwatch.

“I want to hear even more stories from you, but I guess it’s almost time for you to go, Kayano-chan?”

“Ah, you’re right. I gotta go.”

Just when Kayano went to stand up from her seat, they heard a fierce argument in the distance.

“What the……it sounds like it’s coming from the filming site.”

With an anxious expression, Kayano made her way to the filming location.

 Cultural Notes

*Koshien is the name of a baseball stadium in Japan, where the national high school baseball tournaments are held. Only the best high school baseball players get to play there. Great job, Sugino!  

** -chin is a cutesy way of saying -chan, mostly used by teenage girls who want to sound cute

*** A “wat” refers to any officially recognized Buddhist temple in Thailand, Cambodia or Laos. Based on the list of notable wats in Cambodia on Wikipedia, the Wat Baken ruins might be based on the Wat Bakan, a pagoda regarded as one of the holiest sites in Cambodian Buddhism.  (Again, based on what I read on Wikipedia. Regrettably, I have almost zero prior knowledge of Cambodia.)

Nagisa gives out guidebooks just like Korosensei! That makes me so happy!! That part where he’s remembering Korosensei really gets to me, too. Kayano’s woes only reinforce my firm belief that I would hate being an actress.  

[theo-raekeno]

Losing a life

THANK YOU SO MUCH @andreasumbra For the help!! Love you bby!!

6. “ I lost the baby.” 10 .”We can’t keep this up forever.” 36 .” I’m so in love with you.” 41. “I’m pregnant.”

WARNING DEPRESSING ENDING.

The radio beamed with music, everyone was shouting, bodies being thrown about needlessly, you knew everyone was having a good time. Except for one man, he only sat at the bar, a drink resting in his hand, you walked up to him, sitting down on the stool next to him. “No fun?”

He turned towards you, he wore a maroon suit, tightly fit around his body, a white button up shirt underneath that. His hair was waved back with gel, it almost looked like he had a half pompadour. “Hmm?”

The thick club music drowned out any chance of you hearing him and the other way around, so in a quick act, you pulled out your phone, typing into notes. ‘No fun?’

A half smirk came to his face. He got out his phone and typed in something in his notes, ‘Date ditched. Most likely out bathroom window.’

You let out a laugh at his reply, you were in the same boat and instantly typed,’So, that makes both of us.’ His smirk turned into a smile that made your heart beat faster. He typed in,’I’ll get you a drink, on me since we’re both pretty lonely.’

You smiled at him and couldn’t help but blush as he got you a drink, setting the liquor down in front of you. The both of you continued to type in your notes to talk to each other since the music was still very loud, in all honesty you most likely would’ve been able to understand him, but typing in notes was more convenient. The beer was getting to you, your vision blurring and eyes starting to sting. He was looking the same way, his eyes red and his spelling now deteriorating.

You excused yourself to go to the bathroom, looking at yourself in the mirror, you started to cheer yourself on, “you got this.”

“Date the hot dude.” You pointed to yourself in the mirror, a girl walked in and you instantly became silent, walking out of the bathroom and avoiding the young girl

Once you came out, you were pinned to the wall with your arms above your head. You looked up to see the man from earlier, Tom. You saw lust in his eyes, caused by the strong liquor in his system.

He slowly leaned in to give you a kiss, you were surprised at first but quickly gave in and kissed back. He pulled away and started kissing your neck, you bit down on your lip. He stopped, causing you to feel a little sad, but he made up for it, taking your hand in his.

“Where are we going?” You asked confused, Tom turned to face you, “Want to head back to my place and have a little fun?”

Both of you hopped in the back of an uber, you noticed something strange that night. A group of people with camera’s were following behind him, flashing on and off as you guys drove off. You reached his flat, he pushed the door open, a wave of fear washed over you for a minute, you had hoped he wasn’t some strange murderer.

He took your hand, looking at you with a craving, you pulled him into you, kissing his neck as you played with the hem of his pants. He picked you up from under your bum, you giggled in delight. He started to carry you up a pair of stairs, kissing your neck, Tom reached a room, throwing you onto the bed in satisfaction.

Tom crawled onto you, his lips instantly back onto your neck, you played with the buttons on his shirt, quickly unbuttoned his suit. You smiled at his body, he was so fit, “kiss me.”

You did as you were told, placing your lips on his as you pulled him towards you, you collided harshly, you rolled on top of him, he stared at you in admiration.

…….

You opened your eyes, the light flooding in and drowning you, you gasped covering your eyes. When your eyes were finally adjusted to the bright light, you looked around, you were in a large bed covering in white blankets. This is not your room. Your memory was foggy and your headache wasn’t helping you remember either.

You heard a noise that seemed to be coming from the other side of the bed. You turned around to see a handsome man, he was asleep and he had no shirt on. You looked down to see yourself in a white button up shirt, you turned red from embarrassment, realizing what had happened last night.

In a quick stir, you got up and started to change into your clothes, hoping to not wake the person on the bed. You finished changing, turning to see if you had everything, once you did, you tried to walk out. A hand grabbed ahold of your wrist, you jumped up in shock, not thinking about how you should react to him holding you. You turned around to see that the man you slept with was wide awake, his hand on your wrist which stopped you from leaving.

“Please don’t leave,” he begged in a raspy voice, he sounded sleepy, but it was so attractive. You blushed a bit and he let go of your wrist, “I know what happened. It was the liquor, but I really like you.”

The boy only seemed to speak with honesty, sincere on his comment, you looked to the door once and turned back to him, it wouldn’t hurt to stay here.You sighed and decided that you didn’t always want to be single.

“Okay then, I guess we can give it a shot,” You told him with smile, sitting down on the ground in front of him.

Tom had eventually won you over and you two became official.You had found out certain things about Tom, like he is an actor, the only detrimental part is that he is always gone, working on the new spiderman movie.

When he comes back, you both have as much time with each other as you can. The days varied on what you would do, but it mostly would be full of cuddling, others would be more touchy, and some were lazy.

After 3 months of dating Tom, you started feeling sick, you couldn’t hold down anything, and you woke up to consistent puking. You felt nauseous and dizzy as well as pain, but you were used to it, considering it’s been happening for awhile now. Tom was out filming, luckily, he was coming back late that day.

The day went by slowly, the pain just surging through your body, you ached and felt terrible no matter what you did. You got up, grabbing your car keys and driving to a walk in clinic, hoping they would find the source of the problem.

You checked yourself in, waiting behind a few other people, you decided reading a magazine would be the best way to pass time. “Miss Y/N Y/L/N.”

When you got called in, the nurse asked you a lot of questions, which you answered honestly. She wrote all of the answers down on a piece of paper, she smiled at you, telling you the doc would be in after a few minutes. You were left in a room by yourself, nothing to do but sit and stare at white walls.

You felt nervous as you thought up scenarios about what was wrong with you. ‘Hopefully it’s not too bad,’ you thought to yourself. An older man walked in the room, his nametag said, ‘Dr. Flynn.’ “Nice to meet you, I am Doctor Flynn.” You shook his hand as he reached it out to you, you smiled at him, he looked down at a clipboard, “so my nurse says you have constant dizziness and nausea?”

You nodded at him, hoping he would find out what is wrong with you, “are you okay with me asking personal questions, Miss Y/N?”

“Yes of course.” He set down the clipboard, turning towards you as if he was getting to the real hard hitting questions, “when was the last time you had sex?”

“About a month ago.” He nodded, “When was the last time you had your period?”

You had to think back for that question, realizing it had actually been awhile since you had your period, “I should be getting it sometime soon.”

“The reason I am asking, is because my nurse and I both believe you are pregnant.” Your breath hitched as those words escaped the doctor’s mouth, you couldn’t be pregnant, you had just now fallen for Tom. What would he think?!

Dr. Flynn noticed your panic, “We aren’t saying you are, but you have common symptoms of first month to fourth month of pregnancy.”

Tom would be concerned about this, he already had alot of stress on him from the Spiderman movie, including this would just be the cherry on top. “Can I take a test?” You asked, your voice not as strong due to the shock from the news.

“The test could take up to a day to get the results back.” You shook your head, you didn’t have a day, tonight would be Tom’s last night home for almost 2 weeks, you need it now. “Can you make it a rush order?”

Dr. Flynn cocked his head, curious as to the reasons why, “My boyfriend, Tom, tonight is his last night home..”

“Ohh.” He nodded, “here is what we’ll do. Take it town and I’ll have it ready by 4 pm tonight.” You smiled and wrapped your arms around the older man, “thank you..”

It had faded into the night, Tom was to be home in 40 minutes and you had to be at the hospital in 10. You drove quickly, pulling in and hopping out to run inside, grabbing the results, Dr. Flynn pulled you back there, wanting to see how you would react to opening the results.

You ripped open the envelope, seeing a note saying positive. The blood test came back with signs of pregnancy, your breath catching in your throat, “Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”You grabbed the piece of paper explaining the blood work, but you didn’t know what you were going to say to Tom. You walked out of the office, still not able to process the fact that you were going to have a baby.

You decided to run to the store, looking for something special, you found something that was perfect, you got home and wrapped it quickly.You prepared a dinner once you got home, you made Tom some spaghetti, but your heart was still racing with fear, hoping you could tell him sooner rather than later.

The sound of a car door slamming rang in the distance, you stood there, waiting for Tom to walk inside. The door opened, Tom called out your name in his thick accent, “Y/N, love where are you?”

Tom walked into the kitchen, a backpack on his shoulder, sweats and a shirt on, “well don’t you look sexy.”

He nodded, walking up to you, he kissed your lips, “you look a little sick, babe.” He walked past you, picking up a plate and starting to eat, “I have a present for you before dinner.”

Excitement rushed to Tom’s face, he was such a child, you handed him a present wrapped in christmas wrapping paper. He laughed at it, looking at you, “It was all we had.”

You rolled your eyes as he carefully unwrapped the present, he pse the neatly unwrapped paper to the side, “please don’t tell me you aren’t gonna use that again.”

“Then I can’t tell you.” He stuck his tongue out at you, smiling jokingly, “wait wait.” You pulled out your phone, turning it on a live video, instantly people started to watch, since you were Tom’s girlfriend, you knew people would be all over your feed, hoping to see Tom.

He looked up at the phone, “please don’t tell me you got us a cat.” You laughed at him, you now wish you had a cat in the box too, but you shook your head.

“Open the box” Tom did as he was told, taking the top off the box, he looked inside, there was only blue and pink tinsel and filling paper. “You got me a box with tinsel and paper?”

You shook your head, watching as Tom dug deeper into the bag, he finally pulled out the intended gift, it was a small spiderman onesie, he looked up at you, confused at first, “princess, this might be a little tight.”

“It’s not for you.” The people in the comments got it before Tom did, soon they were commenting #babyspiderman

Tom still wasn’t understanding, but he then pieced it all together, he looked down at your belly then you, he had tears in his eyes almost instantly, “you’re-”

Tom almost couldn’t get the words out, so you spoke for him, “im pregnant.” Tom stood up, walking to you, putting his hands on your waist, looking down at your stomach in happiness, Im so in love with you.

He kissed you, holding you in his arms, he looked at your phone, the comments were blowing up your phone, some positive, some negative, but mostly positive. “#babyspiderman huh?”

“Can we name him Peter?” You laughed at Tom, putting your hands around his neck and pulling him into a kiss. “You can name him or her whatever you want to.”

2 months seemed to past since you have been pregnant, you had grown in size, Your sense of gravity has changed completely, you were heavier in the front, compensating for the new life inside you. You had been taking care of yourself, Tom took a few more weeks off to make sure you were okay but they couldn’t delay a movie so he had to be gone again.

You had been home alone, walking around, your back in pain. You had recognized the pain in your stomach, feeling a tearing at the inside of you, but then, you could feel something drip down your leg. You looked down, seeing a clear liquid draining out of you.

Panic washed over you, “no… no.. no..” You needed help, the pain worsened, not being able to feel anything but that pain, you let out a wince as you fell to your knees, your arms on the ground, rolled into a ball of pain.

You pulled out your phone dialing 911, “hello, ma’am what seems to be the problem?”

“My water just broke.” you let out a cry, another shock wave of pain coming over you, “ambulance is on their way, how far along are you?”

“5 months.” You stated quickly, letting out another scream of pain, “okay ma’am I need you to sit down. Don’t do any quick movements.”

After 10 minutes the ambulance arrived, they pushed the door open, rushing to where you were, they noticed that the water was now turning into blood, “she is losing the baby.”

You shook your head, “no please, save my baby!” You cried out. You were panicking as you saw more blood. You sobbed as the people in the ambulance tried helping you, they had numbed the pain in your stomach.

No matter how hard they tried, you had already lost your baby.From the loss of your blood, you started to fade, tilting your head back as your vision spotted. The only thing you could really see were the flashes of cameras, you realized what it was, the paparazzi.

The medics reacted, putting you in the back of the ambulance and driving you to the nearest hospital but the paparazzi wasn’t far behind. You closed your eyes, hoping they could still save your baby, but just as you faded, so did your hope.

You woke up in a strange room, nothing but white surrounding you, you saw an older woman, her heart looked to be sunk in her chest.

“Miss Y/N, we are sorry for your loss,” they told you. Your breath hitched. You looked down to your stomach in fear, your baby was gone. You started to cry. “N-No! N-n-not my baby…!” you cried into your hands.

They needed to clean you up and see if anything else in your body got hurt, any organs that have been pushed upon. You laid on the bed, exhausted both mentally and physically, not wanting to think about what just happened.

They called Tom so he could know where you were. He was coming back in two days, which gave you mixed emotions. You wanted him with you right now, his arms around you, comforting you in this time of lose.

But, no matter how bad you wanted him here, you weren’t ready to face him. Or anyone for that matter. You didn��t want to see your friends, or your family.

The doctor walked into the room, she held a clipboard, “so we did a few tests on your body. Your body wasn’t able to withstand the baby. You were slowly killing yourself the farther you went into the pregnancy.”

You nodded, holding your hand in sadness, a tear dropped onto your lap, and that’s when the flood of tears started. “It’s okay..”

The doctor put her hand on your shoulder, hoping to comfort you, but all you wanted was to cry, not feel better, that meant you had to move on and you didn’t really want to move on. “You are allowed to go home tonight. We have someone who will bring you home.”

You got up off the bed, putting on some new clothes, tears still coming from your eyes. You walked out of the room, and soon out of the hospital. Once you were out of the hospital, a crowd of paps started to bubble you, all you could do is get to the car fast enough.

When you got home, you immediately took a shower since you felt dirty and the water relaxed you. Once you changed into comfortable clothes, you laid in bed and watched tv, as tears rolled down your face. You and Tom were so happy to be parents, but it got taken away instantly.

You cried yourself to sleep, alone without a baby kicking and keeping you up until the early mornings. The next day, you got up, brushed your teeth, and changed into more comfortable clothes. You weren’t planning to go anywhere today, you got yourself some breakfast and watched tv again.

It wasn’t hard to fall into a deep depression from losing your child, all you could do is think about crying and how Tom was going to react.

Later, the sound of the door opening filled your ears. You heard footsteps and looked up. Tom was standing there in front of you, sadness in his eyes, as well as regret. He felt horrible seeing you so heartbroken. He could tell that you’ve been crying due to your puffy eyes. You haven’t said anything since he came in.

Your lip quivered and you cried into his chest, “ i lost the baby.” he held you close as his tears fell as well. The both of you were hurting. He regretted that he wasn’t there at the hospital with you when you needed him the most.

We can’t keep this up foreverTom,” He knew what you were talking about, nobody knew that you lost the baby besides Tom and the workers at the hospital. “We need a break from social media..”

You agreed with what Tom had said, hoping you would soon get more time with him. “We have to announce it..’

Both of you knew that there was suspicion rising about Baby Spiderman, ever since there were photos of you at the hospital released. “I have an idea…”

Tom grabbed the box with the onesie, pulling out his phone and taking a photo of it, he added it to Instagram, the caption reading, “You may come a whole lot later than expected, but someday Baby Spiderman..”

Your heart broke when you read the caption, only feeling the sadness as Tom was. He pulled you into him one more time, holding you close, “I’m staying here. As long as you need me. As long as you want me.”

Tom kissed your forehead, he wanted to make it all better but no pain can describe what you feel when you lose your own baby. “Someday Princess…”

[nolongerhim]

Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning. When you finished tag 5 people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!!!

Tagged by @pbjplatypus (thank you!)

1: Are you named after someone?

I am named after my dad and grandfather. The only difference is that I am the one with my middle name and my dad is the Jr.

2: When was the last time you cried

In the movie A Monster Calls. I was so happy to cry in that film because I don't feel like such a heartless person.

3: Do you like your handwriting?

Not really since it's pretty sloppy when I’m not being serious at all, but when I am, it looks very unprofessional but better than when I am not serious.

4: What is your favorite lunch meat?

Hm....tough one right there...roast beef because I do not find that one as dry as turkey lunch meat.

5: Do you have kids?

No, I do not. I would only want one when I am financially ready

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

I guess yeah. We’d be somewhat distant and yet talk a lot at given points.

7: Do you use sarcasm?

Yup.

8: Do you still have your tonsils?

Yes, I do.

9: Would you bungee jump?

Ehhhhhhh.....I’m not sure my stomach would want to do that.

10: What is your favorite kind of cereal?

I’m still a dumpster truck when it comes to food so that's a hard pick. Lets go with Honey bunches of oats Honey roasted. That or Honey Nut cheerios.

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

No, I do not. I just slip my shoes on and slip them back on if we are talking about my causal shoes. The ones I do untie them when I take them off are my steel toe work shoes and it's kind of mandatory to untie them,

12: Do you think you’re a strong person?

I think I am a strong person to an extent, but otherwise, I do feel rather weak minded, but I definitely wouldn't call myself stupid. lol.

13: What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

I was on a salted caramel high for awhile since it was soooooo good to me. My other favorite flavor would me huckleberry pie.

14: What is the first thing you notice about people?

Faces, their height if we were in person, their clothes. That kind of stuff. lol

15: Red or pink? 

Both.

16: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself?

My jawline and teeth. Every time I take a selfie or even in a group photo, my mouth just looks slanted int eh worse way possible. Other times it can be my legs, but I can get over that fact quick and relapse that thought.

17: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now?

I’m wearing gym shorts and they are purple. lol I’m not wearing shoes or socks right now, but if I were they would be black sock and blue and white shoes.

18: What was the last thing you ate?

Homemade cream cheese pastry that had lemon curd and caramel sauce in it. So good!

19: What are you listening to right now? 

Double Toasted doing a podcast on the film Sing.

20: If you were a crayon, what color would you be?  

Based on what? I’d like to be forest green, though.

21: Favorite smell? 

That changes a lot. lol. I think it would the smell of new clothes. <

22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

My sister for a movie plan. She wants to see Split, but I declined because the context of it disturbs me. heh.....

23: Favorite sport to watch?

I am not a sports person tbh, but I do like to watch some gladiator courses.

24: Hair color?

Dark Brown with a few white hairs in my beard as well as light brown hair(maybe blonde?) around my forehead hairline.

25: Eye color? 

Brown. You can see my pupils. hehe

26: Do you wear contacts?

Nope.

27: Favorite food to eat?

Again, dumpster truck here. I literally cannot choose!

28: Scary movies or comedy?

Comedy. My paranoia will rise after watching a scary movie.(looking at you Paranormal Activity!)

29: Last movie you watched?

Sing. I did cringe at some of the audition numbers(they are really testing that with my faviorte animal), but I did like the movie!

30: What color of shirt are you wearing?

Black.

31: Summer or winter?

Both, because each have enough pros and cons to cancel each other out on what I like and don’t like about those seasons.

32: Hugs or kisses?

I’m more inclined to hugs than kisses, but it all depends on the context of both actions.

33: What book are you currently reading?

Not reading right now even though I should! Last book I read with The Fever Code from The Maze Runner series a few weeks ago.

34: Who do you miss right now?

Some members of my family that I rarely get to see as well as a few co-workers from my previous job.

35: What is on your mouse pad?

I don’t have a mouse pad. XD

36: What is the last TV program you watched?

Misfits with my sister. It’s a supernatural British show.

37: What is the best sound? 

Popping joints like knuckles for example.

38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles?

I have a Rolling Stones song downloaded even though I don't listen to both often because I was not that exposed to them growing up.

39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled?

Jamacia!

40: Do you have a special talent?

Does being able to clap with one hand count?

41: Where were you born?

Washington state.

42: People you expect to participate in this survey?

Kind of demanding sounding don’t you think? They could do this if they want too!

[jaclynnicole-blog]

CALI TRIP 2018

So after the craziness of living in a rental all Summer 2017 into beginning of Fall, then staying with my sister and her husband in Orlando until October when our new house was ready to move into. For those of you that actually read my blog, you would know most of my California trips take place around September, but this was all postponed. By the time we moved in and got settled it was the Holiday season and I knew I wouldn’t be able to visit then...But I had an idea of when a good time to go was right after the Holidays...I booked my trip (In October) for my annual week trip to California for end of January 2018! Perfect to start off the New Year! 

Now my plans for my trip was the usual Photoshoots for my online magazine with my friend and photographer Ken...BUT I had to also work my trip around attending my favorite Talk Show “The Real”! The one thing I knew for sure was I was planning to attend the show at least two days in a row. Everything else time wise was planned kind of last minute with talents and availability. 

DAY 1: MONDAY, JANUARY 22ND 2018

As my trip started getting closer I got more and more prepared and everything started coming together! I was so excited to get back out there with kind of skipping a year I was so ready! Getting up at 4:30am was so worth it all! My dad and I headed to the airport around 5:30am. We got there just in time to grab a quick bite (Yay for Chick-Fil-A!). Went through security and made it onto my flight (One of the last ones! LOL!). My flight and times always seem to be the same exact flights so flight left Tampa airport around 7:20am. As soon as we took off started by keeping busy with music and reading the beginning of my book (The Hunger Games, yes I am little behind!). A few hours in I decided to start watching a movie, “Gifted”. Was a great movie I had wanted to see for awhile (Thanks Delta!). Tried to rest my eyes but definitely couldn’t fall asleep knowing the week full of plans! 5 hours later we landed at LAX! Walking off the plane I felt super excited for everything to come! I picked up my luggage at baggage claim and made myself comfortable in one of the chairs in the airport for a bit. It was around 10am so I had a bit of time to kill before my friend was going to pick me up from the airport. Around 10:30am I headed to the restroom to change into my Rising Talent Magazine Shirt and refresh before heading out as I had something super amazing and a special opportunity that literally had come up the night before my trip! As I got myself together, I reflected back to my 2016 trip to Cali and other trips each has been so different and this one was going to be just as unique and fun! So around 11:30am I got picked up and we headed to our first destination on location for a very special meeting with an young and upcoming Actress Mackenzie Hancsicsak,who many would recognize as “Young Kate” on the NBC Hit Series “This Is Us”! Yes, we were headed to their on location set! We got to our location a little after Noon...We ended up heading to eat lunch in the local mall before meeting. Mackenzie and her mom were willing to meet us in between during lunch hour so we although we didn’t have much time we fit in as much as we could in a short amount of time. Walking up into the trailer meeting Mackenzie and her mom was a special moment. I started out interviewing Mackenzie right in her trailer coming up with questions in my head. We then headed outside to snap a few photos of Mackenize for the cover. Many trailers around set we used it as a Behind the Scenes look and went with it. Walking around us were some of the other young talented actors from set, Lonnie Chavis and Parker Bates. We said hello and introduced ourselves in between our photoshoot. After we finished, we ended up talking with Mackenzie’s mom for a bit before leaving after 2pm. We headed to my friend’s house for the night to get ready for the long days ahead and went from there. Just relaxing for the night, I got prepared and confirmed everything and plans for the next day.

DAY 2: TUESDAY, JANUARY 23RD 2018

Well, part of this day and the next deserve its own blog post so I won’t go into too much detail here... Although I didn’t have to be in LA until 10:30am. We still left pretty early to be prepared for traffic etc. Couldn’t be late to what I had most anticipated 2016 trip, this trip and probably for every trip for now on. I was able to get tickets to my favorite talk show The Real. More details in my next blog post about the show itself and my experience at the show a 3rd and 4th time. After the show I had a planned Photoshoot with two young talents and at an outside location Grififth Park and the Travel Town Museum. Wasn’t too far from The Warner Brothers Lot that I was at for the talk show, so it worked out perfect. After 3pm we had set to meet. I was meeting Actress Shae Smolik who has been part of many movies among other projects and Singer Kacey FiField. We started out by taking photos and behind the scenes footage at The Travel Town Museum which had many trains and scenery that was perfect and different for my magazine. We then headed not far off to Griffifth Park for a few more photos and to film the interviess. Was super fun and loved meeting a few of the talents that I had been corresponding with for awhile online. Shae had recently taken over my Instagram to go behind the scenes of a movie she was filming on her last day with the movie. So when we finished it up was around 5pm and we headed back to my photographer and friend’s house and headed out to dinner with his wife and family. Was a long day but we made it work and I was super excited for another very jam packed day the next day, Wednesday. 

DAY 3: WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 24TH 2018 

So this day was pretty similar to my Tuesday although it was kind of flipped, LOL! We started with Photoshoots at around 9am so we getting up at 6am was a must to make it out to LA at the right time. We were headed to the LA Skyline area for a few photos with a different a feel to them than we usually take. I again had set up two young talents at the same time. One was a talented Dancer Bella who I had come to know through Instagram. I had promised her next time I had come out to California I would meet up with her for some photos. The other young talent was Actress Scarlett Fernandez who is well known from ABC’s Soap Opera “:General Hospital”. I was super excited to meet Scarlette being I have watched GH since I was a teen and love Scarlett’s character. My photographer and I had grabbed a hot coffee before our long morning and met up with the young talents starting out with the interviews. Bella was first then came Scarlett. We then headed over to the LA Bride and Skyline to start taking photos for the feature. I had to finish before Noon to make it over to the Warner Brothers Lot for me to attend Day 2 of my favorite talk show, The Real. I would have gone everyday if I could but couldn’t make it happen. We said our goodbyes and I headed to Burbank to the studio . I was super excited to attend the talk show again I don’t even think I ate much LOL! Again, I will elaborate more about my second day attending The Real in its own blog post I promise as soon as I finish this one! Once I got out of the show it was pretty late and we headed back to my friend’s house. We two headed out for a quick bite and took in everything that had happened the past 3 days. I couldn’t believe it was Wednesday. Half way through the week already. Time definitely flies when you are keeping busy and having fun. When we got back to the house, I was actually relieved the next two days was just more relaxing for me and to prepare for the busy weekend planned before I left the next Monday. 

DAY 4: THURSDAY, JANUARY 25TH 2018

So I definitely tried to sleep in knowing I had no plans but I couldn’t help to think my trip was half done with already. I actually took the time to go through the photos from the Photoshoots we had done so far during the week by organizing and editing some on my own. Took half a day to organize it all but I felt much better afterwards. I then did some catching up on some of my daily shows like yes, the talk show I attended, The Real. But first I had to watch a full day of my Soap Opera, General Hospital. I knew I would feel much better knowing when I got home I wouldn’t have to sit and watch a week’s worth of two different shows from being away. 

DAY 5: FRIDAY, JANUARY 26TH 2018

So again Rest Day 2 was definitely more relaxing. I set aside the whole day to catch up on my talk show, The Real. I even made it to that present day episode which happened to be one of the ones they filmed that I attended earlier in the week (More about that in my next blog post). I couldn’t help but to look back to earlier in the week when I attended that episode and smile. I deifnitely appreciated my two days of relaxation as my 2014 trip I ended up catching a bad cold and wasn’t up for much. I felt this was much needed and a way to clear my head from the rush of everything all week. I prepared for the next day knowing we had a ton of shoots planned a a new studio Saturday. 

DAY 6: SATURDAY, JANUARY 27TH 2018

Our plans for the day consisted of four Photoshoots at a local studio. The talents weren’t set to show up until around Noon. We headed to the studio to get there around 11am to start setting up as we had each shoot planned with a theme. My friend and Photographer was super excited to use his Bentley for a few shoots and was the first thing we got in place (Of course we drove it there!). As he was setting up around 11:30am my first talent showed up, Kirsten Denina, a young Dancer who had won a contest I held through Instagram over a year ago. It was so great to FINALLY meet her! She came all the way from Vegas and was so patient in waiting for me to come out to California so I can meet her. She brought her winning item which was a Diva Dolly Light Up Makeup Case from an awesome company I have been collaborating with for a few years now. When Kirsten got there we started right away with her interview and she had even worn her Rising Talent Magazine Shirt she purchased last year from me. Once interview was finished, and we had set up for some basic shots in front of a white background, Kirsten was ready. Around 12:30pm the next talent showed up, Actress Ava Cantrell who I had been corresponding with her and her mom for a few years now. She showed up early to prepare for the shoot. Kirsten started her photos around 1pm and we would switch in and out with Kirsten and Ava. I slipped in an interview with Ava before she headed for some more photos. Around 1:30pm, Dancer Tiana Heaton had shown up for her 2pm slot. I had been talk with Tiana and her mom through Instagram for over a year through a project I had her do for my magazine, so it was super great to finally meet her in person as well! She too had a Rising Talent Shirt so she slipped it on to start with. I filmed her interview in the shirt, and then we headed over the background to do a few photos with the RTM Shirt and Tiana. In between we were working with Kirsten and Ava as well. In between all of this, last minute I was able to get Scarlett Fernandez and her mom to stop by for a few quick studio shots, since most were done in the sun and outside the first day. I am so glad Scarlett was able to make it to the studio (the studio photos came out gorgeous!) Soon after, a very talented Singer and our last talent set to come showed up Ruby Jay. Now Ruby and her mom had made plans to meet during my 2016 trip to California but it hadn’t worked out, so here we were making it work this trip! We got right into photos with Ruby and once finished we topped it off with an interview and a little bit of singing from Ruby. Did I mention each talent had at least two outfits they took photos in? Since Ava and Ruby were introduced to each other had become friends and Ava happened to still be there we all decided to head to a late dinner. We all decide don Lazy Dog a place I had gone to my last trip following another shoot. We all chatted and hung out for hours probably from 5pm to after 8pm. After making our way outside, we talked for a bit longer and ended up not heading home until after 8:30/9pm. By the time we got home, I think I would say the longest days of my trip we were beat. Many photoshoots in such a short amount of time. Realizing I only had one more full day left of my trip to California I was trying to stay positive and keep my mind off heading home. 

DAY 7: SUNDAY, JANUARY 28TH 2018

So this Sunday was something that came up last minute as well but I was super determined to meet two talented kids that I had been following on Instagram for a few years now. Kelei who had worked on a dance project for my magazine had recently moved out to Californiai, so I was super excited to work something out with her! Dancer Kylee Paige another young adorably talented dancer who I had also promised I would get together with for some photos the next time I came out. Before our scheduled time to meet both of them, around 1pm...My photographer and I met up with a talent and Actress Casey Burke well known from ABC’s “The Middle” for a little Mexican Lunch at a place I had been to my last visit. Super fun to get to know Casey who had done a few studio photos with my photographer but I definitely wanted to meet up to feature her on the cover, so we made it work after over a year of waiting LOL! So three more photoshoots to end my last day in California. At 1pm, we met up at my photographer’s work place for some awesome photos on some train tracks with all three of them. I started with Casey doing an interview right in the conference room. Then came the two girls and we took a few fun photos for memories and then headed out to start the photoshoots. I think it was around 3 or 4pm we finished with the shoot and I went back in to finish up the interviews with the two young talents. Once we said our goodbyes, it was time to head back home. Once we got back to the house, I immediately started to organize the rest of the photos from the last few days onto my flash drive and edit what I could. around 7pm we headed back out to pick up what I just had to have before leaving California, can you guess it? In N Out! YES! Couldn’t leave without it! Came back to the house, only to still work on the photos. I love looking through what went on throughout the week and all the amazing work my photographer and friend does to help me out. We always have so much fun and take in every opportunity we can. I think it was already around 10 or 11pm when I finally finished with what I felt I needed to do before leaving the next day. 

DAY 8: MONDAY, JANUARY 29TH 2018

Although my flight wasn’t until 10:30am, I again had to leave pretty early around 7:30am. I arrived at the airport a little before 9am. I printed out my boarding pass, turned in my luggage, went through security and then looked to grab some food. I am not really a breakfast person, so I grabbed a sandwich and headed to the seating area where they board. I was all set to go home, but truly did not want to leave. How fast my trip went by was probably the craziest part. Getting on the plan to get my mind off heading home, I quickly turned on a movie, “Home Again”. I think little by little I started tearing up because I knew this trip was over. Reflecting back each of my trips out to California have been super different but each one also has been really special in their own way. Every time I got to book my flight for my next trip out to California, I always feel unprepared, but as I get closer to the date everything always seems to work itself out. Trying to make plans with talent ahead of time isn’t always the easiest schedule wise but again things always seem to work out in the end. I even have a few talents set up for my next trip (Cross your fingers it all works out!)! Landing and meeting my dad at the Tampa airport I was super quiet, tired, overwhelmed. When I got home, I immediately unpacked and tried to catch up on a few shows before heading to bed. 

*BE SURE TO READ MY NEXT BLOG POST ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE BEING BACK AT MY FAVORITE TALK SHOW THE REAL!*

[tanmath3-blog]

For those of you that don’t know Paul Flewitt you are missing out on a great friend and an awesome writer.  He has a wonderful sense of humor and is always ready to help out his fellow writer friends. He is very passionate about his writing and is always glad to spend some time with a fan talking about his books. If you are looking for a good story I highly recommend anything he writes. Please help me welcome Paul Flewitt back to Roadie Notes…….

1. It’s been awhile since we talked what new books do you have out now? Latest release?

I have nothing new in print at the moment. I’ve spent the last couple of years concentrating on shorter work for anthologies, honing my craft and really trying to tighten up on my style and structure. I’m finding my own voice and my own way of doing things now, though little has changed on the page it HAS made a difference to the process I work to. It’s different for different authors, so I’ve experimented with notes, pantsing and writing at different time of the day. Now, I think I have a routine which should mean I get far more productive. Also, having completed work on the new house it means I’m not trying to get things done amid the chaos of builders and trades-folk around the house. I said I had nothing new in print, but I DO have something that was released that I couldn’t speak much about last time we spoke. It’s quite exciting that some of my work found it’s way to TV at the beginning of the year, thanks to a TV project called Fragments of Fear. It aired and went live on YouTube, so now I can tell you more about it and actually show it to you. The Silent Invader is a 15 minute story in which I explore the dark relationships that some people have with their TV sets. I often hear that people like Marilyn Manson, Eminem and Judas Priest are blamed for events like Columbine and other tragic atrocities, because of the themes of their art. I also often see that movies and TV shows have also been blamed for inciting people to violent acts, so this is something which inspired me to write a monologue involving a television. It’s a lovely piece of darkness, with a neat little twist at the end. If you’re not faint of heart or easily offended by dark themes and descriptions of violence, then please check it out here; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10xJ9z1ip8k

2. If you could pick any author alive or dead to have lunch with who would it be? Why?

It would be Clive Barker. Looking at reviews and talking to people who read my work, his name is one that often pops up. I’ve read him since my teenage years, and his stuff has always spoken my language. His method of opening doors to possibilities beyond human knowledge has enthralled and enraptured me and I can truly get lost in his art; whether that be his books, artwork or films. In interviews, he never fails to engage with his audiences and leaks little snippets of information regarding his own methods. I could listen to him speak all day long, because you learn something about horror and dark fantasy every time he speaks. Who wouldn’t want to have a one on one conversation with someone who has a mind like his and has the ability to convey his ideas so eloquently.

3. What is the strangest thing a fan has ever done?

You know, my fans are all pretty normal. It’s quite disappointing really. I do get the occasional anorak type reader, who pulls up inconsistencies or facts that might be slightly wrong, but I haven’t had anyone send me dirty underwear or the innards of sacrificed animals. I really don’t know whether I should be upset or relieved about that.

4. What is the one thing you dread to do when writing?

Editing and writing synopses, without a shadow of a doubt. There’s something inherently difficult about trying to write a synopsis and simmering down your story into a couple of paragraphs. Am I giving too much or too little? Is it engaging or is it yawn-til-your-jaw-breaks boring. I think it’s something that most writers struggle with. Editing is the same; picking apart something that you’ve spent months writing and omitting lines and paragraphs that you might’ve loved at one time. Thankfully, my editor, Patti is awesome. She’s worked with me since Poor Jeffrey and our relationship is more friendly than professional now. She understands my style and instinctively knows exactly what I’m trying to achieve with every story. Editors are invaluable and often very giving of their time and selves. I couldn’t publish a word without her assistance nowadays.

5. Did you have imaginary friends growing up? Tell me about them

I didn’t have imaginary friends, but I did always have an active imagination. This would be displayed in many ways; in playing with real friends and messing with toys, creating worlds that I could inhabit for weeks on end. That developed into writing poetry and short stories for friends or just for myself. I dunno about imaginary friends… I never seemed to need one.

6. Do you go to conventions? If not why?

I’ve been to a couple. My publisher is Matt Shaw, so you can imagine the fun and frolics that happen during a weekend with him. Last one I went to was with a few guys that Matt has either published or been friends with for a while and it was a real hoot. For myself, I don’t really have the following to justify the financial outlay of attending as a writer. I’ll get there, I’m sure, but now isn’t really the time. That said, if my friends are getting a table and want me to attend then I’m always happy to join them. Conventions are fun and at the right ones you can meet potential readers and existing ones, at the same time as getting together with good friends. Yeah, cons are cool.

7. How many times did you have to submit your first story before it was accepted?

Once, and I was truly amazed. It was for a Clive Barker tribute anthology based on the Cabal book and Nightbreed movie, coinciding with the screenings of the Cabal Cut. It was only a 500 word flash piece, but it was snapped up. Right after that, my first short story and Poor Jeffrey were also picked up by two different pressed, so I had a really lucky start to my writing career. I still don’t quite know how that happened, but I’m thankful that it did.

8. Ever consider not writing? If so what made you continue?

Yep. Sometimes I find writing a real struggle. The words don’t come and when they do, they’re just not as great as I hoped it would be. I do get over these periods pretty quickly, I just need a quick kick in the pants, but it’s never great when it happens. It usually comes at times when the writing has been flowing really well, and then I hit a wall. In fairness, the past year or so haven’t been the best for me. Between some family issues and the renovations, it’s seemed like I’d never get anything published again. I know I’ve let a couple of people down with not being able to hit a couple of deadlines, but that’s life and they’ve been very understanding about my situation for which I’m grateful. Hopefully, there’s light at the end of the tunnel though, and I can get back to the productivity that I had a couple of years ago. Fingers crossed!

9. Ever thought about writing in a different category?

You know, I never felt the need… yet. Horror and dark fiction has such a wide remit that there’s a lot of ground to cover, so I can satisfy my appetites without stepping out of the genre. Whether it’s full on horror or dark fantasy, I can spread my wings as much as I need to and tell the truths I want to explore within that framework, so why muddy the waters by stepping into another area? The great thing about the genre is that I can do horror, dark fantasy, crime fiction and a plethora of other styles and it will still fit the remit of horror, in the broad sense. No, I’m pretty much at home here… I paid the rent in advance.

10. Any new additions to the family?

Hell no. I have two children that occupy my time and my wife has allergies which have stopped us from having pets since our son was born. Weirdly, she never had allergies before, but since being pregnant with our son she’s allergic to every damn thing. It’s heartbreaking, because we’re all animal people and have had pets in the past which we’ve loved unconditionally. My siblings are all younger than me and are showing no interest in starting their own families, so it’s not even like I have nephews and nieces that I can corrupt. That time will come though, they have been warned.

11. What is coming up next for you?

Well, I have three manuscripts in various stages if completion so it depends which one I finish first. One is a thing that Matt Shaw challenged me to write a couple of years ago, but I’ve never been able to get it right. It’s for the black cover strand, so there’s a responsibility to deliver something truly horrible for him, especially given the subject matter that he challenged me with. One is something that I’ve been working on since school and it really embraces my love for fantasy, while retaining the darkness. The third is a continuation of a story that I wrote for Dean M Drinkel’s Demonology anthology. The character deserved to have more of his story told, so I began writing it but never got it finished. Hopefully, one or two of these projects will see daylight before the end of the year, but I make no promises. I won’t release anything until it’s absolutely right.

12. Do you do release parties? Do you think they work?

Not so much. I prefer to take over blogs and other people’s pages and corrupt their fans. Of course, these things work as a way to reach out to new readers and to allow seasoned fans to chat to you personally. I always feel that talking to readers is the best way to promote your work. Ask me anything, I’m an open book… and they usually do.

13. Do you have crazy stalker fans? Have you ever had one you wish would go away?

Again, my readers tend to be fairly normal people, so no. I do get people who want to have an in-depth conversation about character motivation and why I made certain choices, but no one that I’ve felt has been a pain in the ass. They are the guys and girls who pay my wages and put spending money in the pockets of my kids, so I at least owe them a bit of my time to chat.

14. Do you still have a “day job” ? If so what do you do?

The whole reason that I got into publishing was because the job market where I live slowed right down and I was finding it difficult to find work. My wife was working and earning more than me anyway, so she suggested that I take a year out with the kids and concentrate on doing something with my writing. She gave me a year to get something published, and I’m here talking to you so something must’ve worked.

15. What is your process for writing? Do you have a voice in your head?

No voices, that’d be worrying. Seriously though, I just sit and write. I don’t write notes and I don’t really plan anything before I sit down. All my stories begin with a great first line or a title and I run with it from there. Wherever it ends up is where it ends up, and I’m as surprised by the twists and turns as the reader. I guess this is why it takes me so damned long to write anything. I write all first drafts longhand, and each draft can run into hundreds of handwritten pages. It takes time, but it means that typing it up becomes the first edit run and I can weed out errors and polish it up as I type. This saves time. After that, it’s a case of working with Patti (editor, Patti Geesey) to eradicate typos and other errors, weeding out the unnecessary stuff and honing it. I might go back over it three or four times to make sure that it’s as perfect as it can be. It’s time consuming, and I’m a bit of a perfectionist, but the outcomes are usually worth the hassle.

16. Is there a book you want to make a sequel to you haven’t yet?

Yes! People have often asked about a sequel to Poor Jeffrey. Often, they want to know what happened to Jade and the circle of ghosts… which is cool, I wanna know too! I’ve started work on things that could exist in that world, but never finished them because they just weren’t good enough. One day I’m sure that I will revisit that story, but it was a very spontaneous one that came out of left field and I think it’s difficult to catch lightning in a bottle. Jade will call one day, and I’m sure she’ll have lots of stories to tell regarding herself and her friends. I can’t wait for that moment. You can connect with Paul Flewitt here:

https://www.amazon.com/Paul-Flewitt/e/B00FG34L7O/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1493531654&sr=8-1

@PaulFlewittJEA

https://www.facebook.com/Paul-Flewitt-Author-of-Dark-Fiction-352745188170046/

  Some of Paul Flewitt’s books: 

  Getting even more personal with Paul Flewitt For those of you that don't know Paul Flewitt you are missing out on a great friend and an awesome writer.  

[st0xinbris]

Phew… Sorry, it’s been awhile since my last post, I have been super busy with school and traveling and now back to school again. I am writing this on the bus back to Bristol. I’ve just dropped my brother off after a 2-week European excursion, as we called it. Let me try to pick up where I left off. After my “diplomatic month” November was eventful on a more social level. I met up with a few of my friends in Bournemouth to celebrate my friends Alix’s Birthday. It was pretty awesome as I got to most of my old friends from the uni I attended in England 5 (now 6) years ago. After catching up, it was unanimous that we venture into the city for the nightlife. See pictures here. As much fun as the partying was the next day was not! I thought my days of staying up until 4:30 were long behind me…wrong, what made it worse was catching my train back to Bristol at 10. Needless to say, I was pretty grumpy the next day. The weekend after proved to be just as adventurous as one of my mates here in Bristol invited me to his hometown in Hereford. Hereford is quite possibly the most “English” town I’ve been to, very quaint and traditional. One of the best surprises of this trip was a little burger joint called the rule of tum. That served a burger that would best most burgers back in the states. I didn’t believe Ryan when he told me it would be the best burger I’ve ever had, while that prestigious honor will always be held by in-n-out and ….., this burger was definitely one of the best I’ve ever had. Ryan and I decided that to make the most outta our trip to Hereford, that we would go hiking in Wales. This was my first trip to Wales and I have to say the wait was worth it. The hike proved to be one of the most beautiful hikes I've ever been on. Ryan and his brother took me to Penny Fan Hiking up …. Miles. The pictures speak for themselves, take a look here. Before I knew It, after a couple of eventful weeks, Thanksgiving was here. Now as you might imagine, this time period could be quite lonely, not to mention this was the first time I would not be at home celebrating with my family and friends. Luckily my buddy Ryan made me feel right at home, going for a few beers and catching up. I am thankful to have made some great friends here in the U.K. After drinks with Ryan, my American friends and I had previously arranged to have a Friendsgiving to celebrate with fellow Americans. It was certainly an eye-opening holiday for me, and I can wholeheartedly say that I am thankful for my country, my fellow Americans, and for My family and friends who supported me through the holidays. The days after thanksgiving signaled the start of some very academic heavy weeks. Firstly, I had two presentations due in the same week. So, as you can imagine I spent about a week on each. In case some of you were wondering my first presentation was centered around the question “are capitalism and environmental degradation inextricably linked?” my second presentation was in regards to is “Does ‘Feminism’ present a theory of International Relations or does it merely add a gendered perspective to existing accounts?” After a lot of research and delivering my presentation, I can tell you now that I received good marks on both of my presentations. After stressing about these presentations, the real work could begin, essay time. In the 2 weeks leading up to Christmas, I basically lived in the Library from 12pm-9pm. I had tasked myself with finishing 2 of 3, 4000-word essays before Christmas. The main reason was because on the 26 of December my brother would be arriving from Albuquerque. After struggling through those two weeks, I couldn’t have been more excited to complete my essays and as treat, I knew once I had finished I would be able to go pick my brother up from the airport. I finished both essays ahead of schedule and left Bristol on the 23rd bound for London. I spent Christmas and Christmas Eve with my friend Kelsey who lives in West London. I met Kelsey in my years at Hertfordshire. I was incredibly humbled to be spending Christmas with a good friend and her family. I spent Christmas just as I would have done at home, eating and watching movies with the family. Kelsey and her family have been incredibly kind to me during my stay here, I couldn’t have asked for a better friend. Needless to my real gift came on boxing day (December 26th), my little brother! Erik Arrived in London around 1 pm and hats off to him because after his arrival we had a 6-hour wait at Heathrow airport to catch our flight to Belfast, Northern Ireland. Luckily the flight was short and once we landed we got to our hotel in no time. After a good night’s sleep, our first day began with a black cab tour of Belfast’s troubled history. This tour was incredibly moving as I'm sure many of you know about the history of conflict in Belfast. If not click Here. Upon visiting the many of the troubled areas we eventually landed at the peace wall where my Brother and I signed our names, in the hopes of continued peace in Belfast. The cab tour was followed by a city walking tour, where we were guided through the city viewing specific sights that were affected by the troubles. It felt as if we had traveled through time, I think we both got somewhat a small taste as to what the troubles must have been like for the citizens of Belfast. Both of our tour guides lived and were personally affected by the troubles. Our next day and possibly my favorite day was a day trip to Giants causeway, one of the few natural UNESCO sights in Europe. While the primary reason was the trip to Giants Causeway, I think the best part of our tour was our guide. We hired a driver through…. And we were gifted with a driver named Francis. Francis was like a walking encyclopedia of anything Irish and English (cough) – anytime Francis mentioned the English he would cause, just a friendly reminder of the rivalry between the English and Irish. We could not have been more blessed than to cross paths with Francis, after mentioning that my dad’s family comes from England he took it upon himself to look up our last name and give us a brief history of our name and where in England our family comes from. Another reason for our trip was that it stopped at many of the scenic locations where game of thrones filmed. I know my co-workers back in Albuquerque will appreciate the photos. After sadly parting with Francis the next day was spent catching up on much-needed sleep however we did manage to walk through the city, and visit a few important sites, as well as the visiting the “best attraction of 2016” the titanic museum, situated one the land the titanic was built on. As many of you know I'm a sucker for museums and I have to tell you this is one of the most modern interactive museums I’ve ever been too. As you can imagine Erik and I tried to our best jack and Rose impressions, See pictures. We flew out of Belfast late on the 29th bound for Liverpool, England.

As many of you know, Liverpool is a special place in the Stocking household. First and foremost, Liverpool is home to Liverpool F.C., the football team that both my brother and I support in the Premier League (English Soccer League). Secondly, Liverpool is also home to one of our favorite bands, the Legendary Beatles. Now you may be asking why the Beatles well quite simply and speaking for myself (this is also possibly true of my brother), one of my fondest memories is of my dad, my brother and I taking numerous road trips to Arizona for spring training. On the 6+ hour drive to Tucson, my dad would always bring the Beatles greatest hits album and all three of us would usually be belting out the whole album together, I think it was probably for the best that my mom wasn’t there as I’m sure after a minute or so she would have been fed up with all of us singing out of tune, hahaha. Anyways, we arrived in Liverpool and our first stop was a Beatles Tour. Our tour Guide was very knowledgeable and knew pretty much everything in regards to the Beatles lore. We were able to visit sites such as the houses where John, George, Paul, and Ringo grew up, the place where they all met for the first time and where they played some of their first gigs. An especially favorite site of mine was a visit to the legendary Casbah. At the Casbah, we were given a private guided tour by Pete Best’s (Original Drummer of the Beatles) brother Paul. We rounded out our Beatlescentric tour at their world-famous Museum at the Albert Docks. While the museum was fantastic the site of the museum, the Albert Docks, it's truly a site that transports you back in time. We ended our day a pretty tasty burger joint, courtesy of my brother's American cravings. His American craving soon turned into my American craving, as we ended up eating an American breakfast (it had been awhile for me) the following morning. As soon as my pancake cravings subsided we journeyed to Anfield, home of the famed Liverpool Football Club. This was actually my 2nd visit to Anfield (I had visited 5 years ago), But this was different as this time my brother and I got to cheer and sing for England’s best football team. Since we didn’t know when we would get this chance again, my brother and I went all out on our LFC experience, taking a stadium tour and parking and a premium stadium experience that included free drinks, a 4-course meal, and fantastic seating. Liverpool were facing one of their fiercest rivals Manchester City Football Club, and I am happy to report Liverpool won the game 1-0. Liverpool won the last game as well, so I think it’s safe to say when the stocking boys are in attendance at Anfield, the odds of winning are for Liverpool. While short, our visit to Liverpool was highly memorable.

The coming days served as a transition and rest period. I spent the out 2-hour train journey from Liverpool to London touching up one of my essays, while my brother watched a film. Upon arrival to Islington, London (an area I haven’t explored too much), My brother recharged by going to the Cinema and eating probably one of the best German Kababs I’ve ever had. The following day proved to be very eventful as we attended the changing of the guards at Buckingham palace. If you are ever in London I would recommend this experience, nothing makes you feel more British and patriotic then this traditional military exercise (but get there early!). Following a visit to a Neapolitan pizza restaurant, we walked and shopped along the famous oxford circus. Due to a few extra hours on our hands and our proximity to the US embassy we decided to take a visit. I have to say to see our American flag and statues dedicated to our greatest historical figures (Theodore Roosevelt) and national events (9/11 and American eagle squadron), in Grosvenor-square is truly moving and a testament to the bond between the British and Americans. We soon realized it was time to head to the 02 arena to view a Star Wars exhibit currently being held in London. For anyone that doesn’t know my brother and I are huge Star Wars fans and this exhibit proved to be heaven for any fanboy/girl. The super interactive exhibit, containing actual movie props and histories of Star Wars lore from both the prequel and original trilogies. For the results on which Star Wars character I am click here. Feeling the Star Wars Buzz we decided it was best that after the exhibit we would go back to the cinema to watch the recently released Star Wars: Rogue One. Our trip to London was an outstanding success for our inner nerd but we had to catch as much rest as we could because we had to catch a 3 AM train to London Gatwick the following morning destination Livigno, Italy. From the moment, we stepped off the plane in Innsbruck, my brother and I could not have been more awestruck. With a fresh blanket of snow, the Alps truly are a sight to behold. The drive through Switzerland and finally to Italy could not have been more spectacular as we drove through the alps crossing the bluest rivers and streams I’ve ever seen. After finally arriving in Livigno, my brother and I took a moment to take rest a bit and take in the amazing Italian cuisine. For those that know me well, I love Italian more so with authentic Italian I was in Heaven. Needless to say, the food during our duration in Italy was worth the trip in itself. While we did not get much fresh snow on our trip the two mountains provided plenty for us to enjoy. I think we hit almost every run that was open. Also worth a mention was our hotel, Ironically name Hotel Amerikan. The Hotel was fantastic, and the staff and pizzeria were a true reflection of the region.  After some great runs, a few beers, and many laughs, sadly our journey wrapped up on Saturday as we flew back to London. After a nice relaxing afternoon and a hotel dinner, I dropped my brother off at Heathrow Airport Sunday morning leaving us both with the fondest memories our trip. It was so refreshing having my brother here, as all my stresses and worries were dissolved, not to mention just catching up with my kid brother, it’s like nothing has changed since we have been apart. I know we will both look back on this trip utmost happiness.  

 With that I've pretty much caught you up. I hope to write back again soon! Stay tuned.

[hayleylovesyou2]

Bobby Died.

This morning work was cancelled after what felt like a too-long-holiday with too-much-time alone … I found the article “When An Ex Dies” (http://www.nextavenue.org/no-place-grief-ex-dies/) in my FB feed, detailing the unexpected death of an ex-husband - father of her children, remarried with a teenage son - and finding her place in the grieving process. They were no longer friends, didn’t talk much, but their lives were intimately intertwined for longer than not.

Then a google search uncovered a Hello Giggles piece on the death of an ex-boyfriend, hospitalized for 28 days before dying of heart failure, and the strange space that occupies.  Once inseparable, but never married. Close with family, but that was 2 years ago. Would he have wanted her there? Was she allowed to be with his family? She had a month as he was hospitalized to wrestle these questions.

It made me think about what happens when we’re socially denied the right to our feelings. our experiences. What happens when we’re alone with our pain and not allowed to grieve.

Because more than what happens when an ex dies, I wonder.

What happens if an ex dies, and no one knows you existed. And he died quickly. 

And horribly.

I used to joke “boyfriend” was a strong word, though that’s what I call him today. It’s easier. Feels true. But in the moment before Facebook, there was no “it’s complicated” to point to. Did we date? We did go “out” once or twice. Whispering in halls after class, a subtle graze on the shoulder, little secret pinch at our mutual work. After visits at 2am, or nights he didn’t go home. We knew what the other looked like without any clothes. Mostly, we wrote. Corresponded like old-fashioned pen-pals in an emerging digital age. Livejournal, Xanga, Myspace, Deviant Art, OkCupid, AIM. He was a beautiful writer, photographer, creator. He could turn a phrase in the way that sparked my heart and ignited my brain, activating my desire to create that had waned in a dead, ill-matched-to-me place. He inspired me to write as much and as well as he did. I’d churn out content in hopes for a comment, like, response. Experiment. To impress. We’d chat for hours in our separate rooms on our separate giant desktop computers about how isolating being somewhere we didn’t feel like we belonged felt, and why we stayed, our plans to get out. His brain worked the same way my brain did. Neither of us had a southern accent. We liked the same films, music, politics. In any other city or timeline - in a healthy world - this would sound eye-rollingly mundane. But in my accidental religious college I felt trapped in, landlocked in a rural corner of a rural state that was so far from what I wanted and where I wanted to be … it felt like magic to have found him. And to have found him by accident. At the last possible second. It was a psychic, emotional, intellectual connection. Bobby meant the world to me. But we didn’t date. I wasn’t his girlfriend. His friends didn’t get it, and were kept out of the loop. No one knew what I thought I knew. That my love for Bobby was true.

But I was not the love of his life.

He had a crush on a gentle British soccer player named Jenny, who he told me about … later. His blog posts, vague odes to love … we’re not about me, as I had thought. Hoped. Wondered. But his love was also unrequited, and that didn’t stop the sleepovers. Pinches. Hours crafting kinetic poetic essays on AIM.

We met on a media-arts trip to Dallas. I had seen him, but we’d never spoken. He was classically attractive - over 6ft tall, awkward and hunchy. A recently nerdy chubby boy who had no idea what effect he could have on a girl. In Georgia … at that school … I naturally assumed the worst, about a blonde boy with big steel-blue eyes. Everyone was conservative, Baptist, liked hunting, sports, and the other things that didn’t impress my bitterly equally stereotypical 90s-gothy-art heart. But we’d moved into the aughts, and the Iraq War was underway, and I’d given up on finding anyone who made me feel anything other than invisible, impossibly lonely, terrifyingly hated. So that day in Dallas, i wagered I was ½ way to L.A. And I started driving west, away. But I got a call that some of the “yearbook kids” wanted to go with me to see Margaret Cho, a show nearby I’d found, that the “newspaper” crew had all turned down. And yeah, traffic was bad. And sure, I’d left all my clothes at the hotel. So I figured we’d go see the show, THEN I’d run away. Just in time, I picked them up. And that’s when I first met Bobby, and fell.

My CD case was filled with bizarre mixes from the expiring gasp of Napster’s bastard child, and film soundtracks. And usually Cats, just to piss people off. One previous attempt at college friendship led to a girl I was driving up the mountain to mock a really dumb song by an awful band about pinball (and the wizards who sure could play it) while I tried not to beat myself to death on the steering wheel. So I fired up a “weirder” CD* - Kill Bill soundtrack I think - to defiantly be me in front of these strangers I was sure were about to offend me. (*Obviously this is hardly a weird soundtrack, but this is Georgia, 2003.)

But Bobby knew what it was, basic though now it seems. Excited. We talked about the movie enthusiastically, the first person I got to discuss it with, the whole drive there. The rest of the car was offended by Cho - half the audience walked out when she tackled Iraq - but Bobby and I easily agreed. It didn’t matter it wasn’t funny. Nothing had been funny in over 2 years. And we both found we weren’t easy to offend, at least not with rebel trappings of sex, drugs, and political whims. We parted that night with lingering eye contact, a shy smile. A plan to see a movie the next night while everyone else watched football.

I stayed. I didn’t run away to LA.

The next night, during the final Matrix film, our pinkies teased, curious and unsure, creeping back and forth around excuses to pass popcorn and fake scares, until we finally held hands. After, in the hotel, I wanted to show him something in another room. I’d never felt that kind of clean attraction, never felt it so confidently, boldly. We talked close. Then forehead to forehead. Then lips to lips. Talking, still. Giggling. We kissed. 

Until a yearbook kid, jealous? perhaps? barged in and told Bobby they had all decided to leave for home, immediately, so pack up. I could come, too, but they wouldn’t wait. I had driven 4 other members of newspaper, so I ran to their rooms and desperately tried to convince them to leave. Or Bobby would stay, if one of them would trade. But of course not, disappointment reigned. I offered to leave my car. They called me selfish. Bobby left. I stayed.

Our time was short. 3 months, tops. We saw each other, touched each other, he took me to the homecoming dance as my first, proper date. We danced. He was an early adopter of the White Stripes, such a relief from a sea of Creed, and we’d talk, listen, dream. But for the crush I had on him, he didn’t have the same on me, despite our mental connection, and as I slowly (very slowly) let that settle in … I didn’t take it very well. I took it very not well. So not well I can’t really remember the next phase. Before you judge too harshly, a sad girl who blacked out when another flawed human didn’t turn into a prince, a savior, turning this story into a fairy tale. Please understand how dire it had been right before he appeared. Sometimes I think the universe sent him to me to keep me safe, from running away, to finish out a final semester in one piece. A little kindness, a booster seat. Bobby was always meant to be short lived.

The last night before winter break he said he was going to come over, then said he was coming with friends. I bribed older kids to buy me $50 worth of beer. Also picked up a party platter, so they’d like me, I was scared of his friends. It was a redemption, a chance to reconcile. But he didn’t come. I texted, he stopped replying. Called more times than socially acceptable. But at 2:30am the doorbell rang. Bobby had come! He cared! And I bounded to greet him … only it wasn’t him. It was a strung out stranger, raging, who started hitting me, tried to push his way in. I fought him off and locked the door, called 911 who told me it wasn’t real. Called Bobby, who finally answered and told me I was lying for attention, insane. My parents got me the next day. And I never returned to Georgia.

I started a new school in January. I knew it was necessary, but I was still in love with Bobby. We kept talking, blogging, calling. I was lonely and would photograph my new surroundings and send the pictures to him, for critiques.  We’d set concert dates that fell apart hours beforehand. I shipped him t-shirts as surprises he never admitted receiving. I visited near spring break with a box of gifts, $100 of books and tschotskes that I individually wrapped and carefully decorated with quotes from his favorite books, songs, Jack White, films. I dropped it off at his dorm, but he said he never got it. He said it was stolen, and i was an idiot for leaving it. He had told me he’d be there, so I sat outside awhile and called, waited, asked his hallmates where he was. Said I made him look like an asshole, a bad guy, and he was done dealing with me. I still believe he had the gift, maybe threw it away without opening it in a fit, but something always felt off about his recounting of events. Later I learned he had fallen in love with a girl he followed to Honduras, and was at a concert with her that day. It was all over a then secret blog, one I found after he was gone. I was at a new school and met new people. Hurt, changing, our connection faded out. In person, I never saw him again, though sometimes I’d quietly and secretly check in.

My birthday 2006, he messaged me. First time in forever. He apologized, said he often thought of me, and hoped i was well. I cautiously wished the same. He had decided to stay in town a year after graduation to stay with his friends, I was a super-senior due to the transfer and in no rush because I had essentially started all over again. He got his first job as an AD on a small feature shooting in town and was writing again. I ran my school film committee, and was wrapping up a degree with a minor in cinema. I saw a future unfold in front of me, how Bobby would return to me, where we’d reunite, as collaborators at least, in film, in Los Angeles, CA. We chatted on FB and joked about films, pop culture, cylons. Do you remember the early days of social media? When Facebook would email you when you got a wall post or comment, but it just would just say “Bobby posted on your wall!” to send you to go and check.

And in late January 2007, I received a series of these emails saying Bobby had commented on a photo, posted on my wall. But he must have deleted them, I never saw what he said. I was newly embroiled in a tumultuous, confusing relationship and didn’t reach out to ask, though it struck me more than it should. He also seemed to be in a new relationship he was pretty into, posting vague poetry and odes to love. He posted on Valentines Weekend 2007 that he was fixing something that was long overdue. To do it right, finally. It sounded confident, optimistic, resolute.

The same Valentines Weekend of 2007, I was to go to a protest in Washington D.C., but I pulled out at the last minute. I had a feeling in my chest, a dread, an inner scream too loud to ignore, but too deep to let out. So I lied and said I had a funeral to attend on Tuesday, throwing my favorite aunt under the bus. I felt weird, dark, scared. I was convinced something bad was going to happen – it was icy, maybe there was going to be a wreck? I was low on money, I said. They were mad I flaked, and left me alone, behind.

Now you could say I saw it immediately, but it took me a full 3 days to “see.”

His post had a lot of comments, maybe everyone knew what he was talking about, or it was a quote I had missed, I speculated. I talked to my co-worker (who I ALSO had had a huge crush on) about him, told him about Bobby, how I had loved him. That they were both talented. Maybe we’d all work together some day. This was Friday.

There were an unusual number of pictures on FB about Bobby. I smiled. I loved Bobby. These were great pictures. I should ask him what he wrote on my wall.

There were an unusual amount of comments about Bobby. About Bobby being a good guy. I smiled. Bobby was a great guy. Not even weird, everyone knew it. We’d had our pain, and troubles, but I loved Bobby dearly. This was Saturday.

Then in the early AM … all my friends in Washington DC … I it. I saw the “was.”  Bobby ‘was’ such a great guy.

Even then, I was like “what did Bobby do? Did he get in trouble? Is he not a good guy?”

“Bobby was a great guy, I’m shocked by the news, I don’t believe it.”

WHAT NEWS.

“Bobby was so kind, he didn’t deserve this.” Comment after comment, picture after picture, reality came into view.

Bobby had died over Valentines Weekend, 2007.

Bobby didn’t just die. He died badly.

And Bobby didn’t die in an accident, though that is what they told his aging dad.

Bobby was murdered. Brutally. 

Murdered running for his life after his girlfriend, who he was naked in bed with the morning after Valentines day, was killed at close range.

Murdered by her ex, a sad man who seemed confused he couldn’t own someone, a weak man sent by the devil to take two bright, shinning lives, when he found them in her home when he showed up unannounced. So went to his car, grabbed his good-ole-boy gun, and shot them both more times than is needed to kill someone. She was in the bedroom. Bobby made it to the front lawn. I couldn’t breathe. He was gone. His Facebook status was updated in the wee am to “Bobby is dead.” 

A memorial group was set up, in it’s haste called “Bobby: You Won’t Never Be Forgotten” and a girl from the car that night in Dallas kindly added me. No one knew what to do. So jokes were made.

And there was a funeral. It was Tuesday.

—-

He was my highest match on a dating site in the whole southeast for years. When we met, we were 84%. And the thing about the dating site was … they didn’t delete his profile. It stayed up almost 10 years. This year, 2016, was the year it finally disappeared. And this year … we matched at 99%. I know that is who I am with who he was, but still. 99%.

I live in LA now … and I think I live here for him. He would’ve been so much more successful than me, so much more easily. But I think I fight for him. I need to make something for him, because he couldn’t. I need to be something, someone. Because he never will.

And I think of Bobby everytime I hear Jack White. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes it hurts too much. I had a White Stripes song in my head just last night. I guess that’s part of what triggered this today. It’s so easy to get laughed at, getting emotional at songs from a band who are currently pretty basic and passé. Wanting to tell, but think no one cares?

What do you do when you loved someone who died, and you’re not allowed to love them?

I don’t know if Bobby wants my love, or appreciates it, or it matters to him in death. If he’d want me to keep talking about him, or pretending like I have a right to a piece of him. But based on the last time we really talked, I hope he would understand. And appreciate. And that this love … though not a reciprocated romantic love … was still valuable.

Because I will always deeply love Bobby. And in 6 weeks, he’ll have been gone 10 years.

I don’t want to be trapped by the past. Caught up in pain. This year I want to honor Bobby in a positive way … by making something for him. To honor him.

I hope I can.

[isaidhay]

This morning, after learning work was cancelled after what felt like a too-long-holiday with too-much-time spent alone, with myself, to think ... I stumbled on the article “When An Ex Dies” (http://www.nextavenue.org/no-place-grief-ex-dies/) in my FB feed, detailing the unexpected death of an ex-husband - father of her children - remarried with a teenage son - and her place in the grieving process. They were no longer friends, didn't talk much, but their lives were intimately intertwined for longer than not. A google search also uncovered a Hello Giggles piece on the death of an ex-boyfriend, hospitalized for 28 days before dying of heart failure, and the strange space that occupies.  Once inseparable, but never married. Close with family, but that was 2 years ago. What is her place? Would he have wanted her there? Was she allowed the proximity to actively grieve? She had a month as he declined to tackle these questions. It made me think about what happens when we’re socially denied the right to our feelings. our experiences. What happens when we’re alone with our pain and not allowed to grieve.  Because more than what happens when an ex dies, I wonder. What happens if an ex dies, and no one knows you exist.  I used to joke “boyfriend” was a strong word, though that’s what I call him today. It’s easier. Feels true. But in the moment before Facebook, there was no “it’s complicated” to point to. Did we date? We did go “out” once or twice. Whispering in halls after class, a subtle graze on the shoulder, little secret pinch at our mutual work. After visits . We knew what the other looked like without any clothes, but mostly we knew how the other one thought. Mostly, we wrote. Corresponded like old-fashioned pen-pals in an emerging digital age. Livejournal, Xanga, Myspace, Deviant Art, OkCupid, AIM. He was a beautiful writer, photographer, creator. He could turn a phrase in the way that sparked my heart and ignited my brain, activating my desire to create that had waned in this dead, ill-matched place. He inspired me to write as much and as well as he did. I’d churn out content in hopes for a comment. Experiment. Try to impress him. We’d chat for hours in our separate rooms on our separate giant desktop computers about how isolating being somewhere we didn’t feel like we belonged felt, and why we stayed, our plans to get out. His brain worked the same way my brain did. Neither of us had a southern accent. We liked the same films, music, politics. In any other city or timeline - in a healthy world - this would sound eye-rollingly mundane. But in my accidental religious college I felt trapped in, landlocked in a rural corner of a rural state that was so far from what I wanted and where I wanted to be ... it felt like magic to have found him. And to have found him by accident. At the last possible second. It was a psychic, emotional, intellectual connection. Bobby meant the world to me. But we didn’t date. I wasn’t his girlfriend. His friends didn’t get it, and were kept out of the loop. No one knew what I thought I knew. That Bobby was the love of my life. But I was not the love of his.  He had a crush on a gentle British soccer player named Jenny, who he told me about ... later. His blog posts, vague odes to love ... we’re not actually about me, as I had thought. But that didn’t stop the sleepovers. Pinches. Hours on AIM. We met on a media-arts trip to Dallas. I had seen him, but we’d never spoken. He was classically handsome - over 6ft tall, blonde, huge blue eyes, awkward and hunchy. A recently nerdy chubby boy who had no idea what he was about to be able to do to women. In Georgia ... at that school ... I naturally assumed the worst about my peers, more because I didn’t want to be there and I assumed they all did. Everyone was conservative, Baptist, liked hunting, sports, and the other things that didn’t impress my bitterly equally stereotypical 90s-Daria-gothy-art heart. But we’d moved into the aughts, and the Iraq War was underway, and I’d given up on finding anyone who made me feel anything other than invisible, hated, fundamentally wrong. So in Dallas, i wagered I was 1/2 way to L.A. And I started driving west, away. But I got a call that some of the year book kids wanted to go with me to see Margaret Cho, a show nearby I’d found. And traffic was bad. And I’d left all my clothes at the hotel. So I figured we’d go, THEN I’d run away. Just in time, I picked them up. And Bobby was there.  My CD case was filled with bizarre mixes from the dying gasp of Napster’s bastard child, Limewire, and film soundtracks. And usually Cats, if I felt mean to my passengers. One attempt at college friendship led to a girl I was driving up the mountain to aggressively mock a really dumb song by an awful about pinball (and the wizards who sure could play it) while I tried not to beat myself to death on the steering wheel. Like, she couldn’t believe it was a song or a band existed that would play it, then requested some Creed or DC Talk. I couldn’t believe I was in a place so wrong-for-me I had to defend that ‘The Who’ existed. So I fired up a “weirder” CD - Kill Bill soundtrack I think - to defiantly be me in front of these strangers I was sure were about to offend me. But Bobby knew what it was. Excited. Agreed. We talked about the movie enthusiastically, the first person I got to discuss it with, the whole drive there. The rest of the car was offended by Cho - half the audience walked out when she spoke out against Iraq - but Bobby and I agreed with her. It didn’t matter it wasn’t funny. It seemed important. And it was really hard to offend us. We parted that night with a little smile. A plan to see a movie the next night while everyone else watched a football game.  I didn’t run away to LA. The next night, during the final Matrix film, our pinkies teased each others, curious, creeping back and forth around excuses to pass popcorn and fake scares, until we finally held hands. After, in the hotel, I wanted to show him something in another room. I’d never felt that kind of clean attraction, never felt it so confidently, boldly. We talked close. Then forehead to forehead. Then we kissed. And we didn’t stop.  Until a yearbook kid (I was newspaper, you see) barged in and told Bobby they had all decided they were leaving that night instead, so pack up, he was driving. I could come, too, but they wouldn’t wait. I had driven 4 other members of newspaper, so I ran to their rooms and desperately tried to convince them to leave, too. But they didn’t. I offered to leave my car. They called me selfish. Bobby left. I stayed and cried.  Our time together was short. 3 months. We saw each other a lot, touched a lot, he took me to the homecoming dance as my first, proper date. He was an early adopter of the White Stripes, such a relief from a sea of Creed, and we’d talk, kiss, listen. But for the crush I had on him, he didn’t have the same on me, despite our obvious mental connection, and as I slowly (very slowly) let that settle in ... I didn’t take it very well. I took it really quite very poorly. It got really dark. And please understand how dire it had gotten right before he appeared. Sometimes I think the universe sent him to me to keep me safe, from running away, to finish out the semester at school in one piece.  The last night before winter break he said he was going to come over, then said he was coming with friends. I bought a bunch of beer, because I’d been 21 a solid 6 weeks and COULD. Also picked up a party platter, so they’d like me. And waited. He didn’t come. I texted, he stopped answering. But at 2:30am the doorbell rang and I bounded to receive him ... only it wasn’t him, it was a strung out stranger who started hitting me, tried to barge in. I fought him off and locked the door. My parents got me the next day and loaded me up.  I started a new school in January. No one knew I was leaving, but I was relieved to never come back ... except I was still in love with Bobby. We kept talking, blogging, AIM’ing. I was lonely and would photograph my new campus and scan the pictures to him, for critiques. He was impressed. We’d set concert dates that fell apart last minute. I shipped him t-shirts I thought he’d like, but he never admitted receiving. I visited with a box of gifts, $100 of books and tschotskes that I individually wrapped and carefully decorated with quotes from his favorite books, films, songs. I delivered it, but he said he never got it. He said it was stolen, and i was an idiot for leaving it at his door. He had told me he’d be there, so I sat outside awhile and called, waited, asked his hallmates where he was. He said I made him look like an asshole, a bad guy, and he was done. I still believe he had it, maybe threw it away without opening it, but something always felt wrong. Later I learned he had fallen in love with a girl he later followed to Honduras, and was at a concert with her that day. It was all over a then secret blog. I was at a new school and met new people. Hurt, changing, our connection faded out. In person, I never saw him again, though sometimes I’d check in. My birthday 2006, he messaged me. First time in a long time. He apologized, said he thought of me often, and hoped i was well. I cautiously wished the same. He had decided to stay in town a year after graduation to stay with his friends, I was a super-senior due to the transfer and in no rush to get out, now that I could do-over college right. He got his first job as an AD on a small feature shooting in town and was writing again. I ran my school film committee, and was wrapping up a degree with a minor in screenwriting and cinema theory. I saw a future where we’d reunite, as collaborators, in LA. We chatted on FB and joked about cylons. Facebook used to email you when you got a wall post or comment, but it just would say to go check them out, not what they said.  In late January 2007, I received a series of these emails saying Bobby had commented on a photo, posted on my wall. But he must have deleted them, I never saw what he said. It drove me batty. But I was newly embroiled in a tumultuous, confusing relationship and didn’t reach out to ask. It was probably nothing. He also seemed to be in a new relationship he was pretty excited about. He posted on Valentines Weekend 2007 that he was fixing something he had long longed to. To do it right, finally, put everything right. The same Valentines Weekend of 2007, I was to go to a protest in Washington D.C., but I pulled out last second. I lied and said I had a funeral to attend on Tuesday. I felt weird, dark, scared. I was convinced something bad was going to happen -- it was icy, maybe there was going to be a wreck? I was low on money, I said. They were mad, and left me. I saw it immediately, but it took me 3 days to “see” it. His post had a lot of comments on it, I saw it and speculated. I talked to my co-worker (who I ALSO had had a huge crush on) about him, told him about Bobby, how I had loved him. That they were both talented. Maybe we’d all work together some day. This was Friday. There were an unusual number of pictures on FB about Bobby. I smiled. I loved Bobby. These were great pictures.  An unusual amount of comments about Bobby being a good guy. I smiled. Bobby was a great guy. Not even weird, everyone knew it. We’d had our pain, and troubles, but I loved Bobby dearly. This was Saturday. Then in the early AM ... all my friends in Washington DC ... I saw the “was.” My eyes let me see the “was.” Bobby ‘was’ a great guy. Even then, I was like “what did Bobby do? Did he get in trouble?” “Bobby was a great guy, I’m shocked and horrified by the news.”  WHAT NEWS. “Bobby was so kind, he didn’t deserve this.”  Bobby had died over Valentines Weekend, 2007. Bobby didn’t just die. He died badly. Very badly.  And Bobby didn’t die in an accident, though that is what they told his elderly father.  Bobby was murdered. Murdered running for his life after his girlfriend, who he was naked in bed with the morning after Valentines day, was also murdered. Murdered her ex, who found them in her home when he showed up unannounced, and went to his car, got a gun, and shot them both an insane number of times in cold blood. She was in the bedroom. Bobby made it to the front lawn. I couldn’t breathe. A memorial group was set up, and a girl from the car that night in Dallas kindly added me. There was a funeral. It was Tuesday. I hadn’t lied. ---- I had no one to talk to. And no real mutual friends with Bobby. The only friends who knew who I was only remembered the drama, or I assumed they would. I reached out with . They didn’t want or need me in their grief. But there was no place to put mine.  I put on a shirt of his he had left at my house. A ringer T with Mr. Rogers face, smiling. It said “You’re Special.” I’d wear it under my clothes everyday like secret underwear for the next several weeks. I couldn’t figure out how it happened, but I needed to know. What I saw in my head, the placement, the timeline, didn’t make sense. That week I’d have a dream as if I was watching it in real time. I understand now. I saw how it happened. It was horrible. I attended the funeral, saw some old teachers, friends, but I was alone in it. They didn’t know how I knew Bobby, just that we had some classes together. It was nice I came, they thought. I should sit in back, the front was reserved for his close friends. It was an open casket. I tried to get near, to look at him, but I fell down. I couldn’t get near. I kept buckling. I held onto an old newspaper co-worker, from behind, and looked around her to hold myself up. She commented I was always quirky. I flashed back to him sleeping in my bed. I thought of him sleeping, naked. He looked like he was sleeping. I felt ashamed. Ashamed to see that. I couldn’t tell anyone that. Even that I knew what he looked like asleep. He was buried with a t-shirt I had bought him. It was one of his favorites. I saw new pictures of him in it. He was buried along with photos he had displayed in his room. Including the first gift I ever gave him ... I blew up a picture he took and framed it. It was with him at the end. No one new that was also a part of me, either. I don't know why he had both. If he just really liked them. Or if he also liked them because there was also something good of me. I’ll never know, and probably not, but it helps me to believe. Over 300 people attended the funeral. Everyone loved Bobby. But it was a terrible funeral - a preacher who never met him excited to scare a bunch of young faces about drugs, adultery, hell. Hymns instead of White Stripes. Cold. It had nothing to do with Bobby. His friends would later have their own memorial. I wasn't invited ... they didn’t know me, didn’t know they should. A week later, i got a heavy fever and went into a hard dream, and the pain sort of lifted. Like I was in a warm bear hug. I felt like Bobby visited me, and apologized he had to wait so long to get to me, the list was long, and that he didn’t know it would hit me like it did.  But his death did hit me. It still hits me. He was my highest OKCupid match in the whole southeast for years after. When we met, we were 84%. And the thing about OkCupid was ... they didn’t delete his profile. It stayed up almost 10 years. This year, 2016, was the year it finally disappeared. And this year ... we matched at 99%. I know that is who I am with who he was, but still. 99%. I live in LA now ... and I think I live here for Bobby. He would’ve been so much more successful than me, so much more easily. But I think I fight for him. I need to make something for him, because he couldn’t. I need to be something, someone. Because he never will. And I think of Bobby everytime I hear Jack White. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes it hurts too much. I had a White Stripes song in my head just last night. I guess that’s part of what triggered this today.  What do you do when you loved someone who died, and you’re not allowed to?  I don’t know if Bobby wants my love, or appreciates it, or it matters to him in death. If he’d want me to keep talking about him, or pretending like I have a right to a piece of him. But based on the last time we really talked, i hope he would understand. And appreciate. And that this love ... though not a reciprocated romantic love ... was still a valuable love.  Because I will always deeply love Bobby. And in 6 weeks, he’ll have been gone 10 years. I don't want to be trapped by the past. Caught up in pain. This year I want to honor Bobby in a positive way ... by making something for him. To honor him. I hope I can do him justice.