#i reeeeaaally hope they can give me some of the money back

[guzmapkmn-archive]

ok so abt the bank basically i was looking abt my acc last night and saw a random $24 charge that i didnt make and after investigating i found out its from a resume building site i have never used?? and they charged me 7 times since may for the same amount i do not know How i didnt notice. but thats like almost $170!! so thats scary

[cow3survivor]

Ep. 4: “Trying To Cover Ur Murderous Tracks” - Jones

JENNET 

nash isnt on my tribe but i cant help but feel bad for them :((( the last two days that we were together as old calumma i actually started to connect with them. they will be missed 💔

(a little later)

why am i obsessed with ethan ? *insert meme of that tiktoker just standing there*

(after building a bamboo bed)

super nervous for immunity, if we end up losing i think i might try to push for pennino bc he pissed me off the other night saying he wouldnt be available for the comp and literally SITTING THERE watching us do the comp... i really like sam and ethan (tbh more than i like lindsay and jabari) but thats only bc of how much we communicate with each other idk i do know lindsay wants to push for pennino too bc she was annoyed it too so maybe let her do all the pushing and if it backfires, just push for her to go😳

JESSICA

No song 4 today Last round we voted out Nash. That was not my ideal choice (I wanted Nicole to go) but Pete was paranoid Nicole may have an idol, that Nicole/Mikey/Nash were secretly working together, or just that something might go down. He also trusts Nicole for reasons unknown. I didn't love leaving Mikey in the dark (I think that really only helped Pete, not me) but I was nervous that if I pushed Nicole too hard as the vote, Pete would vote Mikey and then that was really the worst case scenario. If we lose this round, I am voting Nicole no question. She asked me what happened after the vote + if we could talk which I thought was great! I sent her an explanation that basically said I didn't trust Nash because they did not talk to me, I was worried OG Calumma was still a thing, and I didn't trust Nicole because she didn't start talking to me until after we lost + she left me on read a lot. And what does she do right after I sent that? Leave me on read again! I was excited to work with her when we first swapped but I don't see that happening at all now. The nice thing is because Pete lied to her, Mikey and Nicole voted each other, AND Lovelis was already initially down to vote Nicole, I'm hoping if we lose the vote is really easy. I also don't think Nicole has the idol because.... ...I found it! Okay, no I didn't. I did find a ruby though. I think that in each quadrant of the adventure, there is a gem and the four gemstones combined will make an idol. I already have 1, I have a good idea of where it could be in the north, and most importantly I am pretty sure Nicole has no advantages. I think if she had an idol, she might have played it last round, but my guess is that there is only one idol in the game and no one has it yet. However right now I'm not sharing this information with anyone. I hope that if we lose, Pete votes for Mikey out of paranoia (and that Nicole does as well) which means moving forward, Mikey really only has me and that's an alliance I can keep long term. I do also think that we are potentially swapping after this OR we will do a double tribal after this and swap then. I do not want us to lose twice because that's when things get tricky but if we do, I think I will be set up well enough that no one is coming for me.

PETE 

so my og Brookesia alliance of jessica and lovelis (plus me) they want to vote out Nicole but i reeeeaaally don’t wanna do that. Nicole and I had this talk of moving on from our past so if I just vote her out first chance I get that’d just be a huge dick move. They for some reason believe Mikey which I honestly don’t, I think he may be a little weasel. Nash doesn’t talk to me at all, so i’m hoping maybe I can shift the vote onto Nash by scaring them with the thought of Nicole having and idol

(after dropping his rice into the sand)

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH IDIDIT I DID IT IDIDIT literally i have THE biggest fucking knot in my stomach i was SO fUcking NERVOUS this is so fuckignw crazy i cant skdjdbxsjkdb i’ve NEVER been in control of a vote before like everything i told someone to do they did like i’m not gonna get all like egotistical and all that but like sjkdsxkdbsjjdjxjdkdb ive never been in this position before it’s wild i’m usually like the mikey. like i’m just there, hoping people include me but kinda just scraping by until they decide it’s my turn to leave and NOW!!!! I JUST BLINDSIDED SOMEBODYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

JENNET

trying really hard to do this comp and my arthritis is making my hands spasm :(( powering thru and hopefully we dont go to tribal. if we do im afraid that im going to be voted out :((

JABARI

So i scored for the tribe which is great but then we tie and there is tower of hanoi. Lets just say ill never play that game again but I swear im not giving up no sir....they said they wouldnt boot me because of it but ima make sure of it.

JENNET 

in love with ethan hes the best person in the world

(after staring at Ethan)

really sucks going to tribal council and i know i let my team down so now im trying to find a way- SOME WAY to remind them that old calumma wanted to go after pennino next and to hopefully keep ethan out of the fire. sam approached me about an alliance with him and ethan and tbf idc what anybody calls me or what they think but im honestly closer to the too of them than to anybody on the tribe- closer to ethan than i was to jake even😳

LINDSAY

https://drive.google.com/file/d/12YzvXBooOu3lndrE99YopPOcO4VEAYYB/view?usp=drivesdk lmk if this works also fun fact i just tried to open the camera on the computer im borrowing and the computer bluescreened lol i hate it here

SAM

https://youtu.be/M4E00bmBj0A

PETE

The way this game is going Id say that I’m probably closest with Jessica just because we’ve been talking since the start, she’s really nice & enthusiastic, and we’ve agreed so far on the things that need to happen so we share a lot of information with each other. Lovelis is a little bit of a wild card because he never really talks that much so I’m going to try to bond with him more so that he doesn’t feel like just another number.

LOVELIS

Who knew we’d pull out a win with flash games! Maybe we need to stop shitting on then and start praying for more of them to pop up here LMAO. So glad I can just have this day to speak to people a bit more and just relax a little - I feel like me Jess and Pete are in a comfortable position within this tribe so I’m praying for no more funny business with another premerge swap but I’m tryna stay on my toes!

ETHAN

Ok so tribal time: I am in a minority position right now and it is looking sketchy. I feel like I am going because of how Jabari and Jennet have not talked to me at all today and instead have ghosted me. I have something, but not sure if I want to play it. Do I trust people, or do I just full send and blow it up? Time shall tell

JESSICA 

Yay we won immunity! I love getting my Dolphin Olympics redemption arc, it's been 6 years in the making.

PENNINO

Now, it's 4 hours before the first tribal as Furcifer, and I think that us from OG Calumma will go and do a Pagong to Ethan and Sam. Since Ethan was a beast in  the comps, and we want to keep tribal lines, that puts Sam up for the chopping block. As for Nash leaving, no surprise. Honestly, I feel pretty safe and now i'm just waiting for another swap.

MADISON

I don't know how I've survived four rounds but here we are. I think I've legit gotten the lowest score in the past 2 challenges but everyone else is a beast so I get to stay safe for another round. The downside to being safe so long is that there isn't really a lot of gameplay happening over on Planet Brookesia and some of us might be a little bit too comfy so that when swap time comes or we lose the next challenge, it'll be scramble city to figure something out.

JAKE

https://youtu.be/Hz-Ix0ZeQ7E y'all when I tell you i'm manic just thinking about crazy fringe theories related to this game lmaoooooo

JONES

ok bet lets get strategic:tm: i feel like a lot of my confessionals are rlly like ,, , , ,me just talking ab "wow i rlly like this person, not this person so and so and whatnot" and i haven't rlly gotten to bare bones like ,, what i'm thinking ab game wise ? for starters - i think i'm in a rlly good spot surprisingly? LIKE don't get me wrong its fking dangerous being in a 4-2 but i think i'm set up super super well? i'm officially working with all of Daisy, Sammy, Shane, and Jake, and am in an alliance w everyone of those people besides Sammy. but sammy has vouched saying that he does want to work w me and has my back and i don't have like,, any reason to doubt that rn ? unfortunately the only way to rlly like ,, ,, have everyone prove their trust to me is by going to tribal aldksfjasdlfj but i dont rlly see a reason for them to like ,, , lie to me ? esp when we haven't gone to tribal? i don't see the point in marinating someone this isn't among us and ur trying to cover ur murderous tracks,,, but ya ? i'm in a good spot. i think based on my alliances and allies and whatnot, and i've stated this already so this isn't rlly a surprise, but madison would probs be the target if we'd have to go to tribal. and Jake has stated to me too that he hasn't rlly talked to madison that much either so it doesn't seem like an uncommon thought process. after the challenge tiebreaker yesterday , the newly formed ALLEANCHE! kind of came together as the 4 most active people on the tribe so it SEEMS like it would be madison AND sammy getting targetted and , ,, , sammy going for me isn't rlly cash money bc if sammy DOES have my back then that's me losing one of MY allies,, but i don't think we're going to enough tribals before another swap for that to actually be a thing ? so hopefully if we do go to tribal it'd be madison and not sammy, but i think i, if not i then maybe jake LOL, can make a good case for madison to go over sammy. speaking of jake i have a rlly bad gut feeling that i'm gonna have to think ab cutting him soon - or at least before merge. i've kinda been letting him take the reigns since preswap to make him kind of look like a leader ish ? so i'm rlly hoping that like ,, , hypothetically speaking. lets say i'm AGAIN put on another tribe w jake (bc lbr we're swapping again),, and lets say hypothetically they wanna split up the supposed "duo" of myself and jake,,, whos the smarter person to take out - the leader whos kinda been calling the shots and making the alliances since round 1, or the person whos proven themself to be reliable and to keep their team safe and be able to go to bat for their team ? idk IDK that's just me but i definitely think like ,, in terms of a building threat level i think jake is definitely the easier target asldkfjasd which is UNFORTUNATE like i LOVE JAKE but i feel like if it comes to me and jake and jake is putting me in DANGER then , ,, well,, :( i gotta do what i gotta DO i'm pawned as old reliable for a reason :katenails: but ya uhm,,, shane/daisy/jake/i were talking on call after the tiebreaker ab what could happen and we all basically agreed theres no way in hell that there ISN'T another swap on the horizon or at least like,, a twist or something. u can't just swap at 18 on a 20 person cast and just expect us to sit like lil ducks on sunday brunch, if anything we're probs gonna swap at like ,, , , , 15? OR hosts are cracked and swap us NEXT ROUND bc they're sadistic. but ya there's def another swap it rlly just depends on when and whos there to experience it - i.e whether or not i'm gonna have security from my allies or not ya feel? i feel. also there's definitely probs like ,, , ,a double tribal. or smth. or like, smth crazy and dumb and stupid that i don't have the brain capacity to rlly comprehend. but ya hope i win this was a good strategy talk #fruciferandcallumathrowchallenge

NICOLE

Hello!!! Nash went home and I'm sad so I am PROTESTING confessionals! You won't know anything that is happening with me! Nothing! (Just kidding nothing happened this round, everyone ignored me and then we won immunity so they had no need to)

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1TxoVh69i2GPA-agNAfyW0G-Bu07weXyZ?usp=sharing

SAMMY

so I had to write a paper and I'm rushing to get this in...blinks...whats new anyways I have been so off in like the idol hunting and I have felt so detached from this game since I have only been to tribal once? but I think the people in danger would be like Madison or Jake? they have both been brought up to me by daisy...and in all seriousness I would be fine with that? I honestly really am only prioritizing Jones and Daisy in this tribe. I feel fine with my position in this game and I even got a point from the flash games. Luckily Daisy won for us in the tiebreaker and we were able to barely escape tribal. I really do hope I can continue to avoid tribal so that I can get as far into this to make it to the more individual stage of this game.

DAISY

https://youtu.be/3kCYnxDIdQY

TRIBAL COUNCIL

[someaveragechick]

a refined story on how love broke my place in this world

so how’d i come to be here typing up an essay which i know will go unread?   JULY 2016; a bad decision to move schools lead to spurts of bullying, turning a bubbly 15 year old into a 16 year old who quite bluntly, just wanted to die, which she tried very hard to do for quite some time. deteriorated self esteem lead to a thirst for love and acceptance, a need for emotional safety. so after being objectified by boys, mesmerized at the idea of an escape, and terrified of what i became capable of, i moved schools again. and this brought us to July, 2016.

new school, new opportunities, and then there was him. a boy with big brown eyes, soft lips and a heart of gold, and there i was, awkwardly standing in the way of his locker. fast forward past the early morning to late night conversations, weeks of bonding.... and we’re brought to SEPTEMBER 2016; i knew that id fallen deeply for him, further than i’d fallen before, or at least so i thought. but of course, i became fearful as memories of every guy who ever did me wrong flooded in and suddenly like the monster i’d become, he became just like every other guy in my eyes and i denied my true feelings for him, in the classic me way of dealing with my emotions, i messed everything up. i lost all my new friends, i lost him and i lost myself again, but i told myself he was just like the rest, except he wasn’t because i couldn’t just get over him. and so we stopped speaking. i sank back into a place far too familiar, numbness accompanied by blades and the dark part of tumblr, that go me through until:

NOVEMBER 2016; i started going to the gym to distract myself, and i felt like i could say with all honesty i was getting over him. last minute change of mind, and i decided to go to my schools formal, i wish i could say i wore white in the spirit of new beginnings but if i’m honest i just liked the dress, and apparently he did too, enough to come whisper in my ear that i ‘looked alright’.... BOOM FUCKING CRASH BANG, the smallest comment moved mountains for me and like an unrealistic cartoon, my heart flew out of my chest. so i messaged him that night and we spoke until the early hours of the morning, and every day since.

JANUARY 2017; it’s a fair way to skip but lets just cut it down to this, school holidays kicked in and like Romeo and Juliet we fought against how everyone felt about us being together, spent almost every day of the summer together and went on adventure after adventure, we even said how we could never get bored of each other, spoiler alert, i’m the only one who stuck to my word. so anyway, January, we became ‘official’, went on double dates with my best friend and when they broke up we would talk how our relationship was going to outlast everyone we knew.

FEBRUARY-JULY 2017; we did a lot together and created heaps of little traditions. painted walls, went rollerskating, drank and sung around campfires, walked on beaches, kicked the footy, cooked, adventured, lived together. we were each others bestfriends and we fell back on each other. i put every ounce of energy i had into him. any money i got would go towards dates or giving him little surprises to brighten his day. what can i say? i put him before my family and i truly believed with all my heart that we would be together forever. he got new friends and school stressed us both out, it would be an understatement to say we were both failing school, but we were trying. i believed in him, because he had so much potential to do great, with a kind heart and a great brain in that big head of his, i believed he could do anything he put his mind into, where it be football, school, work or photography, i wanted him to be happy, and its how i lived those months. wanting him to be happy and to love him. 

TIMELINE BREAK; people were cruel, and he was a big softy, he was my big softy and i thought that if i could put all my love and energy into him that i could protect him, we argued for a while, but for two weeks leading up to August, i learnt to be calm and stopped every argument because i just thought he was stressed over school and the assholes of the world. they told him he should drop out, they made him think less of himself and i hated them for it, because i thought he was worth so much more. 

AUGUST 5TH 2017; we went shopping to get ingredients for a recipe he really wanted to make, we danced and goofed around, then i dropped him home so he could get ready for a party he was going to. i’ll add that this was also the same day as my dogs birthday, so whilst he was out i was occupied singing happy birthday to a dog wearing a party hat, irrelevant but okay, back on track, the (supposed) love of my life kept calling me whilst he was drunk all night, every 15 minutes, he started to feel sick so i told him to go sit down somewhere and sip water, last i heard from him. i was worried sick because i couldn't be there to look after my drunk mess. AUGUST 6TH 2017; i went over to my hungover mess’s house, we were being cute, we had sex we cuddle we laughed, we were happy. my parents came and picked us up and took him to his footy final where i stood there in the rain watching him with my parents (side note, my parents hated him at first, but by this stage they loved him, like reeeeaaally fucking loved him). he came back to mine after and we did what we usually did, laughed and loved. that night he broke and decided he wanted to break up with me because he was having a meltdown over some older guys accusing him of throwing up on the carpet of the party he was at. so i did what i always did, i cared for him, loved him, tried to help him, and in return for loving him, he broke up with me, and gave me the biggest load of verbal abuse as he did so. i broke. AUGUST 7TH 2017; i ditched the first part of school to go see him, he got on the bus and moved closer to me and put his hand on my leg, i felt relieved, as if i actually believed in that moment that he realized how badly he’d been treating me, but nope. an hour later he basically said we were still over and he didn’t want anything to do with me. AUGUST 10TH 2017; gotta hurry this up, i was a mess i hadn’t eaten in days and i was imploding. so i reached out to someone who was at the party to find out if it was him who threw up at the party and if his meltdown was worth losing me, but i found out more than i was supposed to. this boy, this boy that i would've taken a bullet for and gave my everything to, cheated on me with some girl who had zero self respect, was in a committed relationship with ecstasy, but whatever right? she was known for doing that shit, but nah, next thing i know he is following her around like a lost puppy. THE REST OF THE STORY; so after not even 2 weeks we spoke again, we decided mutually that we would get back into a commitment but not be officially in a relationship. and this lasted for a while, we were having sex again, and a lot of it and then one night i rush to the hospital and watch my favorite family member pass away, i was a mess and i needed him, but here we go again,whilst i was trying to call him to tell him my grandad was just had emergency heart surgery and didn’t make it,  he was at a party getting with the same girl.  AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I FORGAVE HIM, AGAIN. so we were committed again and he called me and i roasted him and so he begged for me not to go and said he didn't want that other girl and that she was just a distraction because he missed me, even added that he was going to cut ties with her because he loved me. so the next day he did, not... he did not, because if you haven't already realized this boy is the biggest liar i have ever met. so we were together again, and i later found out he was still messaging her pathetically, trying so desperately to get her attention, and he made me feel like shit he really did, some of the verbal abuse hit me deep down to my core. (i’ll just add here that he had sex with that girl whilst we were having sex) anyway, after he betrayed me 3 times, he promised it was never going to happen and that i’m all he wanted and that he would protect me. skip to the end, he went to a party and got with 4 different girls, lied about it, and then blocked me on everything when he found out that i had found out. that was a very short way to end it but it was dragging on. WHERE I AM NOW; am i still broken? yes very, unlike him i truly felt in love and that isn't something that is easy to brush off. what do i think of him now? let’s just say i really had hope for him to change, in fact i was the only one who believed in him in the end, i was the only one who cared deeply, but well now? lets just say a tiger can’t change its stripes. he found me as a bitter monster and left me when i became pure and sweet. i found him as a pure and sweet boy with potential, and when he left me he left me as a bitter, manipulative, lying, monster. funny how the world works.

 it’s a long journey and my heart still aches from time to time, but if he wanted to put that sort of life style before someone who truly cared and loved him, then i know that he doesn't deserve me. those big brown eyes are as cold as ice, his heart of gold turned to stone and the boy i fell in love with it not the same one that broke me.

he made me lose my place in the world, he made me second guess my worth and my right to wake up everyday, i felt like numb worthless space.  i know who i am now and i’m ridiculously proud of myself, and i can not wait until i find someone who i can love and not fear.  i will just keep adventuring until i bump into someone, the right someone, who appreciates every little thing i do, because if i could love the wrong person this much, i cant imagine how much i can love the right person.

 so until then i will keep growing, because there’s a bubbly 15 year old who deserves it. -S.a.o 6th of November 2017

[me-importa-mother-blog]

it FINALLY fucking happened

i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means? 

i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together. 

at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever. 

originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love. 

and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.

he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit. 

i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it. 

but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children. 

but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid. 

and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )

a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did. 

but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.

irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want

[imagine-those-skaters]

You can take out Viktor for the request i sent 💚💙

This ask is so interesting~! And honestly I’m so tired of Viktor even though I do love him, so YESSSSS. AND SORRY, THE FIRST ONE IS SO LONG I HAVE TO PUT THE REST UNDER THE CUT!!

-Hahaha you’re a what now-At first Yuuri just doesn’t plain believe you-Ghosts? In this world?-It’s more likely than you think-You try to insist you’re not joking but Yuuri just shakes his head-He doesn’t bluntly disbelieve you, instead he does the “Sure you are” stuff which is a little worse if you had to be honest-He does wonder why you go out at the most curious times, and why you travel to strange places-Actually, did you ever mention what your job even IS?-So, a little curious and a little scared, Yuuri asks if he can come with you next time, to which you eagerly agree-Your next request takes you to Mexico, in Sinaloa, a specific house that’s been long abandoned after there was a raid some time ago-Yuuri continually asks what you’re up to, and what the heck is goin on but you just shrug, “I told you, it’s business.”-So, when you reach the house, a tall, and strangely pink house, with the paint peeling, Yuuri is trembling-He looks over at you with a terrified face before whispering loudly, “Y/N what the f uCK are we doing here?!”-You smile, and pat his shoulder, “Don’t worry, according to the report, it shouldn’t be a lethal ghost. It just seems loud.”-As if on cue the windows practically pulse as loud music explodes from the house, causing Yuuri to almost screech-HE DOES YELP THOUGH, WHICH IS REALLY CUTE, HE’S LIKE A PUPPY-He follows behind you and cut to you two in the parlor room, where you’re off a disfigured guy, in his late teens, desperately clutching his boom box-Yuuri is fucking terrified af, he’s so pale, but he doesn’t want you to get hurt so he tries to pull you back-”Shh, Yuuri, you’ll scare him,” You mumble, as you crouch down EXCUSE ME??-He watches with wide eyes and you start to speak to the sobbing ghost-”Hey. Hey, hey, be quiet. The neighbours hate your music. Reggaeton is garbage, buddy, you don’t have to blast it out the windows and pretend to like it to be accepted. The other guys were fucks- they were doomed crackheads. It’s okay now. You can let go.”-The ghost reluctantly lets go of the boom box, heaving a huge sigh, before disappearing into mist, leaving behind a very dusty and broken boom box-You two leave and he apologizes quietly for not believing you. How did you know what was up with the guy?-Yuuri gets very interested in the way you handle and research your work, and insists on going out with you when you need to-As much as he’s sure you’re an expert in what you do, he still doesn’t want you to get hurt

-Yurio also doesn’t believe you-He squints at you and just does a slow, “Reeeeaaally…. Huh…. Okaaaay….”-What the fuck babe-You try really hard to convince him, telling him of your numerous cases and run ins but he still doesn’t budge-”You think I’ll buy that shit??”-So you can prove it to him, he takes you to a run down factory a few hours drive away from where he lives-There’ve been reports of strange activity, but you’re a little nervous-You’ve received several reports of the place yourself but you’re still in the middle of conducting your research, so you’re not completely prepared-You try to warn Yuri but he laughs, “Aren’t you an expert?? C’mon, babe, don’t worry, we can just explore.”-fuck you………………..-SO, you two go, and you’re nervous and he’s not, WELL, I mean, not that much-The place gives off a creepy vibe, and he’s not exactly into it, but he wants to at least seem brave so you both hold hands because he’s not scared he’s romantic SHUT UP-And you hear someone angrily cursing-Yuri fuckin nearly jumps out of his goddamn skin and whips his head around, his grip tightening on your hand so hard you can’t feel the blood flow-”babe hol y fuK PLEASE LET ME HAND LE THIS WITH BOTH OF MY HA NDS”-So your mind is racing, going through any possible reasons the spirit is lingering in this world- it sounds angry, really angry, so it must have been pissed off for some reason-You turn the corner, and there is a somewhat fat man, vigorously going through his papers, cursing and sweating ectoplasm and he looks on the verge of angry tears-You shake off Yuri’s hand (to which he nearly screams at you) and carefully approach the spirit-”S-Sir? I’m sorry, sir, I know you’re busy.”-”BUSY?!” The ghost barks back, making Yuri quietly screech and jump, “Hah! That’s a fuckin understatement. We’re behind schedule- I’ve had to issue orders to work WITHOUT the safety equipment just so we can work faster. These poor people, I’m a fucking shit supervisor, what if they get killed?! But we need this money… the company manager is breathing down my neck, we’ve had to cut the employees pay, I just-” He looks like he’ll cry any minute, “I’m so fucking tired.”-You let out a noise of realization, before you slowly move your hand to gesture around-”Sir, it’s okay now. The factory is closed. The business went so well, you had to move to the factory at the far east of town, so your product amount could increase. They all have their jobs- with better pays. It’s okay now. Take a break. It’s okay.”-The ghost looks around, wide-eyed, tears running and turning to ice when they hit the floor. He lets out a sigh and his shoulders sag-”I’m so glad. I really need this rest.” He mumbles before he turns to mist-Yuri is dumbfounded as you both leave, and he’s speechless until the two of you get home-”Was uh… Was what you told him the truth?” He asks at last-You look at him and he’s started to see your eyes look as tired as the ghost’s-”No,” You mumble sadly, “The factory closed down after an accident. The supervisor was checking how the work was going, and because the safety was removed, fell into the machinery. It was shut down after that. Sometimes you just gotta lie so they can find peace. It’s hard. The way they look at you is hard.”-After that, Yuri vows to help with whatever you need-He makes sure you get the chance to unwind, and does his best to lift your mood, because handling ghosts is hard and emotionally draining-He also reminds you of the things and tools you usually take, and often asks different questions over them, such as what they do and their purpose-Yuri feels guilty after not believing you, so he does his very best to make your job easier any way he can

-Minami is a firm believer in ghosts are you fuckin kidding me-But it’s probably something along the lines of “I want them to be real but I have my doubts but if anyone proves it then I will believe it 100%” kinda believing-So when you tell him he’s super wide-eyed and like, “WOAH, wait really????? Woah!!! Really?!?!”-Immediately insists you take him on your next job, practically begging you-He needs to know if you’re really telling him the truth and not just playing with him-So you agree and Minami is fuckin pumped so he eagerly awaits your next job-You get a call from somewhere in the UAE, and this is where it concerns you-The caller requests a report of any spirits (and if possible, the cleansing of them) in Al Qasimi Palace in Ras Al Khaimah, and although you agree, 1) you don’t know if it’s possible to really cleanse it of its spirits, and 2) don’t know if it’s really safe to take Minami-But he insists, and eventually, you both find yourselves in a plane, on your way-In the meanwhile he asks all sorts of questions, how do you know if a haunted place is real? how do you get rid of ghosts? how did you start the job? etc-He’s super curious and excited and almost doesn’t sleep at all during the flight-BABE LET ME SLEEP…..-So, once you arrive, check into your hotel, your visit being paid by the client-You’re trying to find your way around, hoping to find the palace before sundown, but in a way, it found its way to you-The whole place is obviously run down and abandoned, the watchmen probably away for prayers, as it was 20 years ago, but if one imagined how it was before, it probably wasn’t that bad, fancy even-Chills are running down your boyfriend’s spine, and he’s suddenly not sure if he really wants to see a ghost, the signs of intruders obviously spooking him as well-He looks out the window and screeches, jumping on you like Shaggy, it’s kinda funny-You turn, calm, and see the face of a sobbing child reflected on the broken glass-Gently putting Minami down, you look through your dictionary, before speaking, roughly translating into “Why are you crying?”-The boy doesn’t answer, and Minami looks like he’s going to burst into tears himself-You apologize to your boyfriend, seeing him so scared hurts-”I-I’m scared but… that poor boy.. He must be scared too… look at him c-crying like that!!” Minami sobs-You kinda blink owlishly at him, before smiling, because goddamn your boyfriend is the sweetest boi-You try talking with the boy again, but he seems captivated with Minami, probably understanding the reasons behind his tears-After a while, the ghost disappears. You strongly doubt it’s passed on, but you don’t really have any leads on how you could really help it with that. Besides, it doesn’t seem hostile-You stay for about one week, but the boy rarely shows up again, at least, not with you, but Minami says he’s seen him many times-Once you leave, you report your findings to your client, and although you’re a little disappointed with the result of your job, you thought it was nice-You take Minami with you on some of your jobs now and again, he seems to really understand the spirits one way or another, but you do teach him a few things-He’s just super happy to be involved in this part of your life, and it adds a bigger portion of excitement to his life-Also, he would probs dedicate some of his performances to his favorite spirits