#i remain hellbent on posting something every month and i’m not giving up on that

[aqpippin]

i’m gonna do two six sentence sundays bc i can 😛 one before i go to sleep and one later

[yaboylevi]

Hi! I love ur blog, especially ur Snk Metas and Ereri metas. What are your thoughts on the whole “Eren has always been like this” (always been evil or capable of great evils like genocide) that a lot of people seem to agree on? I’ve always had a hard time believing in that idea because we’ve been shown multiple times that Eren is capable of sympathy and empathy, so to say he’s ALWAYS been like this is wrong.

Hi! Thank you!!

Looking through my snk 121 tag I found that I have already received similar questions, so I’m gonna link one here if you want the short version of it. Even if it was something I wrote up right after the chapter was out, it’s not like my opinion has changed much... more like, my faith in Isayama writing a decent conclusion and explanation in regards to Eren has plummeted in the past year and a half.

But anyway, now we have some new information pertaining Eren, so I feel like I can add more on this moment and my take on it in light of such new perspective.

Let me preface this with: Eren hates what he’s doing, is despising every second, was scared of his future visions, often paralyzed, desperate to find a better solution than this, because he knows - let me repeat it - HE KNOWS this is horrifying. We had hints throughtout the story, but many have ignored them. For me, Eren going through grief and apologizing for something he hadn’t even done yet in chapters 131 was no shocker at all, but I guess some people may have actually been surprised, I don’t know. It was right there since the Marley arc and his breakdown over Sasha, but many have completely misinterpreted that scene, denying it was desperation that he was feeling, so it was nice to finally have confirmation. Kinda.

However, you know, Isayama doesn’t seem to have picked a side on his characterization of Eren. Or maybe there is still something that’s concealed, because everything we have seen, isn’t evething that has happened, and it doesn’t explain yet some things about Eren and, relevant to this post, why Eren has decided to give up and give in to his future self’s memories of destruction. I’m sorry, but Eren believing “there is no other way, other than killing the whole world’s population, because the future cannot be changed” due to some memories is not gonna cut it, especially because we haven’t seen him fight too hard against it. In my opinion, at least. Or maybe he did, but we haven’t been shown.

The most hopeful part of my heart wishes he is already trying to change things, in a very roundabout and secret way, but the tired and logical part is done hoping. After all, Eren is alternating between being hellbent on going through with rumbling the world, and being absolutely horrified by it. I’ve been getting whiplash every month for a couple of years now.

As for your actual question, and that line during the Paths Time Travel...

Let’s start from here, shall we? That whole conversation with Zeke in Paths was to Zeke what chapter 112 was to Mikasa and Armin, imo. Chapter 121, huh, same numbers...but anyways. I think I have already wrote it somewhere, but I believe Eren lied, and purposely hurt Zeke. To make him, and Mikasa and Armin, realize something and act accordingly, maybe against Eren himself.

In Mikasa’s case, the realization was gradual since then, because Eren’s lies kickstarted it immediately. In Armin’s case, I think we still haven’t seen the full potential of it, though it may come next chapter - and I mean the “You were influenced by Bertolt, an enemy” angle. I am surprised Armin hasn’t followed this reasoning in regards to Eren, who has three titans within him, none of them particularly allied with Paradis. We left Armin seeing Bertolt, who is, in turn, watching him. I wonder if a conversation won’t happen right off the bat in chapter 136.

Anyhow, Eren, in chapter 112, also very much hit Armin and Mikasa where it hurt them the most - which is the same thing he did to Zeke here, bringing up his hate for Grisha and how it was the only think really fuelling him, and went through all the effort of making him reconcile with Grisha. Mmm, sus. Am I the only one feeling it’s sus??? I really have to wonder if he doesn’t kind of want/need Zeke to stop him, just like I believe he did with Armin and Mikasa. After all, there was no need to antagonize them and make them have reasons to stop caring for him, if he didn’t want to be stopped.

So, if it wasn’t already clear, Eren is a big liar, and he’s good at it if you don’t know him (and Zeke, Armin, and Mikasa have proven they don’t know or understand him very well at times). His acting skills have been shown all the way back in the cabin scene when he was 8 years old and tricked those traffickers.

There is another layer to these lies that I’d like to touch upon, though.

The line you were inquiring about feels exactly like his “I am free” in chapter 112. He sounds so sure, but it is a freaking lie.

See how both Armin and Mikasa are confused by such a bold, out-of-the-blue statement, the same way Zeke asks Eren “Since birth?” because, like, what is that all even about?

Eren has been feeling trapped in his own future memories to the point that his freedom of choice even existing anymore has become a big question mark. There is no freedom in following the path you were shown.

Eren’s urge to save someone from “having their freedom solen” by “physically assaulting the perpetrators first” has never, ever meant that he was willing to or okay with sacrificing innocents. Quite the opposite, in fact. There have been whole arcs about that. About Eren freaking out over people dying for him, refusing to sacrifice friends for the bigger picture, grieving for or sympathizing with innocents losing their lives or having them destroyed by some bigger threat. That has not changed.

So the big question remains: Why?

With these outrageous and confident statements about himself, I don’t think Eren is merely lying to his interlocutor to change their perception of him. I think he is lying to himself as well in the meantime. It looks like it did the trick, or not - based on how you want to interpret it. He really has been dissociating hard during his rampage.

But it all depends on what Isayama's angle is with Eren. In 112 Eren seemed to believe his “I am free” statement because he had an instant reaction to Armin challenging it. At the same time, now that we also have chapter 130-131 to enrich our reading, there is no way Eren felt free into the choices he made after hearing Willy’s declaration of war. He saw a terrifying future, he hoped against hope that it would change, but felt powerless and gutted and desperate that all pointed to such a future being unchangeable. So I do wonder if maybe he didn’t end up lying to himself - subconsciously or not - that he is free... and that he is always been this way - a cold-blooded murderer who did it all for justice.

Zoom in on Eren forlornly watching himself as a kid show pure kindess to a girl who just went through the most traumatizing experience in her life.

For the matter, I don’t believe Eren “has always been this way”. I actually don’t believe he’s ever been that way. I don’t know why many(?) people just accept whatever Eren says at face value, ignoring all context surronding it.

As I posted very recently, it doesn’t make sense for Eren to go from one extreme to the other without a better excuse, or explanation, or a more believable writing of it...or a plot twist that I guess I will wait for for another 4 months:

Eren came to realize that outside the walls people are just...well, people. There are good ones everywhere, people who suffered just like him, people who deserve better, certainly don’t deserve to be caught up in the Rumbling, people who have lives, children, moms, loved ones. This is highlighted again in chapter 131, because maybe, when Eren brought it up in the basement with Falco and Reiner, people didn’t think he was being genuine. So Isayama shows us again that Eren truly believed that.

And yet, the chapter before, Eren put those very same people on the same level of Titans when he used to think Titans were scum, a nightmare sent to eat them alive, because he addressed them with “匹”, a derogatory counter when applied to people, because it is usually used for small animals.

The parallel to how he used to feel towards Titans is smacked in our faces, because in Japanese, it’s the same exact line. He now feels that way about people.

...What?

It doesn’t make sense, right?

Because really, the same way Eren’s first impulse in Marley was to save Ramzi when he was being beaten up (and threatened with a worse fate than some bruises), the same way Eren helped him regardless and again went against 3 full-grown men, it’s the same way Eren rushed to Mikasa’s rescue when he didn’t even know her... or the same way he pushed himself into a Titan’s mouth just to save Armin. it doesn’t come from a sentiment of “I need to punish these monsters because they are threatening me”. It comes from a natural, intrinsic need to help and save others. It is deeply saddening that at the end of this journey, with Ramzi, he just feels like this natural predisposition of his is just a fake and turns him into a hypocrite.

So for Eren to say he has always been that way while looking at his 8 years old self stabbing a human trafficker in the chest to save a little girl to try and explain why he’s killing innocent people who happens to be living alongside “the bad guys” is a false equivalence. Either it’s a lie Eren tells himself and to Zeke to make both of them believe this is what Eren is, and has always been, and there is nothing they could do to prevent it - in a sort of twisted liberation from guilt because “if I was always like this, then you and I both shouldn’t have expected anything different”...

...or it’s Isayama’s failed attempt at presenting a theoretical concept he liked and talked about in interviews, suddenly turning Eren into a poster boy for it and canceling previous sides of Eren’s complexity as a character. I would like to believe Isayama hasn’t lost his magic touch this badly, but every day I’m less sure of it.

My opinion, for what is worth, is that that line you quoted is something he said to trick Zeke into detaching himself from Eren and going against him - breaking the bonds of love all around him has been a very deliberate choice Eren has made post time-skip - and at the same time it’s something Eren is trying to believe himself, in a desperate attempt at explaining to his own conscience that he was destined to bring such destruction, that he was always capable of it, and that there is a sort of justice in it where there isn’t. And he knows, deep down. That’s why he dissociates in the end.

In a very twisted, self-deprecating way, Eren is a liar to everyone, himself included. He has become an unreliable narrator about himself. Eren has completely shut down because he cannot stand what he is doing.

And I would very much like to know why he gave up on trying to find a different solution, if that’s what it is that happened, and why he sounds like a different person every other scene he appears in, in the next 4 months.

[braveskyered]

Dames 7 - Firsts

It is highly recommended that you read Knights before reading this, otherwise you may miss some context.

Knights is a post-Hellbent fanfic where, while the Mystery Skulls learn the truth of what happened in the cave, reconciliation fails in the long run, and Arthur leaves his old life behind to escape the vengeful wraith. He tries to move on with a new life, but it’s not easy to heal from the trauma.

Knights is seen through Arthur’s eyes, while Dames is seen through the eyes of the other people he interacts with.

This takes place before Part 1. 

- - - - - - -

- - - - - - -

There is always a first for everything.

It would be talking to someone new, reading a new piece of information, trying out a new dish on the menu, watching the premiere of a new show that may or may not be interesting, the list goes on.

Falling in love with someone should probably be included in the mix.

On Elaine’s end, she fell in love with someone for the first time twice. The first resulted in her heart being broken for the first time. The second resulted in her falling in love again for the first time.

Elaine is sure that there are plenty of firsts out there. Not just for her, but for Arthur, too.

She remembered that she and Arthur had first met on a rainy day.

Her first impression of the tall and thin man was mere annoyance when she found him asleep on one of the waiting chairs in Four of a Kind Queens, thinking that he was just a typical bum trying to take shelter from the rain. Elaine remembered Nana Niniane telling her to let the man sleep, and while Elaine didn’t quite agree with her back then, she is glad that she had listened to the older woman’s decision in the long run.

The first time Arthur and Elaine spoke to each other happened because the former’s hamster decided to escape and get her attention, letting them properly meet. That was when she first learned that Arthur knew his way around cars and machines in general. Later that day, she learned for the first time that Arthur had just escaped from an abusive home life and is trying to find a place to live. Even though there weren’t any official openings, Elaine’s grandmother immediately decided to hire Arthur in as an employee.

To this day, Elaine isn’t quite sure why Mama Vivienne made such a reckless decision, but she longed stopped caring about it. In the end, her decision eventually led Elaine to live a happy life full of love and happiness with the occasional bump here and there in between, but what relationship doesn’t have one?

Finding a place for Arthur to stay wasn’t too difficult. Before Elaine had broken up with her first love that she had considered marrying, she had rented out a small apartment for them to stay in until they could find a suitable house in Cantabile for sale. Right after she deposited the rent money, her first love-turned-ex decided to break up with her right then and there and left without saying much. As a result, since Elaine was single again, there was no need for the apartment, but all sales were final with it, so it remained under her name for the next six months. Now, Elaine considered that twist of fate a blessing, as the empty apartment turned out to be perfect for Arthur’s needs.

A few days had passed. Along with Aunt Morgan and Mama Vivienne, Elaine and her parents, Caelia and Tom (whenever he was available) carefully watched Arthur make his progress into getting comfortable working with the family, and at the time, it seemed like he was doing okay.

Nana Niniane also took the time to help out when she can, but for some reason, she chose to keep her distance from Arthur for the time being, as if something had bothered her…

Then one day, Mama Vivienne, Elaine, Caelia, and Morgan had made a startling discovery. All over Arthur’s upper body were scars that ranged from cuts to burns. It was also at that time that they learned that Arthur’s left arm is a prosthetic. It… did explain why Arthur was so insistent on wearing clothes that covered him from head to toe even on the hot days.

Elaine and her family had discovered this when Arthur had accidentally cut his arm somewhat badly on a rusty pipe. Because Arthur didn’t have any official medical record to give them other than his word, this required a visit to the urgent care so he could get a tetanus shot just to be safe. However, in order for the nurse to administer the shot, Morgan had to force Arthur to remove his long sleeve shirt so he could receive treatment, and the resulting sight became ingrained in Elaine’s mind.

Seeing Arthur struggling to remain strong and failing, tearfully insisting that he could handle this on his own since it was his own fault that he had cut his hand, just as how his past scars were also his fault… didn’t settle well with Elaine. She and her family knew Arthur had been abused since he said that he wanted to get away, they just didn’t know the injuries were to this extent.

Everyone wisely decided to not ask Arthur for further details too much, even though they all now have the same desire to find out who his abuser was and see to it that justice would be served. If Arthur’s abuser really is as stubborn to “punish” him as he says they are, then trying to contact any doctor that had treated him in the past would bring an immediate red flag to the abuser.

In the end, Mama Vivienne, with Nana Niniane pulling some strings, settled with having Arthur go through a full physical at the Lady of the Dames Hospital. It took over four hours to convince Arthur, and even then, he only relented after having Mama Vivienne agree to the condition that no one in the family, or the doctors, ask about how he received his injuries.

Everyone knows not to aggravate someone’s trauma.

Three months after they first met, Aunt Morgan had received a call from her daughter Eleanor about a robotics convention just a few hours away from home and invited the family to come visit it with her. Although Elaine didn’t know much about robotics like her cousin does, she knew that Arthur is an expert in the field since he made his own arm, so this might be something he’d want to go to. So when she suggested inviting Arthur to come with them, her family consented with Mama Vivienne even saying that it would do Arthur some good to “get out of the apartment and the shop every once in a while” as she would say.

When Elaine went into the fifth garage that is normally used for private jobs, she found Arthur hard at work doing maintenance on a vintage van, a Volkswagen if Elaine recalled correctly. That van is from a wealthy client, and Mama Vivienne was reluctant to take the vehicle in until Arthur volunteered to do it.

“You’ve tended to a van like this before?” Mama Vivienne asked him.

Arthur rubbed a hand against his left shoulder, a habit he has when nervous, “I-It’s similar to the van that I used to drive for years, although it was a different brand and a few years older than this one.”

After seeing Arthur prove himself that he could help identify the kind of engine needed to replace it so the client could order it, Mama Vivienne became convinced to take in the job.

Seeing Arthur hard at work with his face having a few oil stains smeared on his cheek and shirt…

…Elaine figured it’s just the hot weather outside.

When she saw that Arthur had reached a good spot in his work, Elaine approached him and asked if he would be interested in the robotics convention, which made him look up in interest.

…He should not look this cute.

Elaine looked away and faked a cough in the hopes that Arthur wouldn’t notice her internal dilemma.

Wait, wait, wait. This can’t be right… Am I seriously having a crush on him?! What the hell, I just broke up with my ex three and half months ago. This is too soon! I, I, I mean, Arthur is a nice guy and all, but I--

“Elaine? Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine. Tickle in my throat,” Elaine turned back to him, “Anyway, I got a call from my cousin Eleanor…”

Although Arthur tried to hide it, Elaine could tell that the man was looking more and more interested as Elaine told him about the robotics convention.

“…and so we were wondering if you want to come with us?”

When Elaine didn’t get an answer while Arthur just stared at her, she wondered if she messed up on something as she struggled to keep eye contact. This is getting a little awkward, she thought.

“I-I’d be happy to. You don’t mind?”

She had to resist the urge to jump when Arthur finally answered. He looked unsure, but there was something about that hopeful smile of his that made Elaine feel something.

“Not at all! If anything, think of it as a date!” Elaine froze with her smile once the words came out of her mouth. Wait. Crap. Frick! Augh! I didn’t mean to say that! Please don’t take that the wrong way, please don’t take that the wrong way, please oh please oh please oh please! …Oh! Wait! “…Ah, between friends, that is!”

Please don’t make this awkward. Please don’t make this awkward. Please don’t make this awkward, please--!

All of a sudden Elaine heard Arthur laugh a little, “I’d like that.”

At that moment, Elaine knew for a fact that she does indeed have a crush on Arthur.

[purplesurveys]

811

What do you like to drink in the morning? I’m not really a drinks person and I’m fine having all my meals with just water. I like coffee, but I usually drink it in the afternoon or at night. What color is your favorite hoodie? Don’t have one. My favorite sweater is gray though. Do you have a string of lights in your room? No. I remember wanting those as a teenager but I figured it was such a waste of electricity just to make my room look a little cuter, so that turned me off from the idea lol. Do you know what you are going to do today? Yeah, well today I was going to finally register for a social security number online, but given that I’m from the Philippines and the government only gives their 15% in everything they do, the website is absolute garbage and I can’t get past the first step of the process. Not surprising anymore. Other than that, I don’t have anything else to do. Does your heart hurt? My heart is missing so many people at the moment, but it’s not really hurting.

Who is not in your life that you wish was? I wish that my late maternal grandfather was still alive, if he counts. Who hurt you last? Probably Gabie. She doesn’t have a good hold of her emotions when she’s mad and tends to spit out hurtful things without thinking if it would affect me. I plan to have a talk with her about it once we can see each other again because it’s beginning to suck. Can you see the moon out your window right now? Continuing this survey four hours later, except now I’m tipsy as fuck haaaaaa. I dunno, I probably won’t be able to. It’s been raining all day and evening so I might only see clouds if I look out.

What makes you feel inspired? Seeing other people with insanely good work ethic. Are you mad at a friend right now? Nope, no reason to be. Do you have a friend who hurt you and doesn't care? I mean I’m pretty sensitive, so yeah I’ve had some friends say stuff to me that they probably didn’t think anything of, but hurt me in actuality. Is your room clean? Sure, it’s not too cluttered at the moment or anything like that. Can you see the sunrise from your window? No, it doesn’t happen on my side of the house. If you were a writer, would you have a pen name or use your real name? I’d use my real name. Idk, I’ve always found pen names to be a tad bit confusing. Did you go to Goodwill yesterday? I didn’t, and I don’t, because we don’t have whatever that is here. What is your friend's cat's name? I don’t have friends who have cats.  Do you celebrate your pet's birthdays? Continuing this survey 15 hours later because I was too dizzy to continue typing, lmao. I typically buy him a dog-friendly cupcake from the pet supply store at the mall near my school, and I serve him more food than usual for lunch and dinner. March is a busy month for me with school and stuff, so I haven’t gotten the chance to throw him a party. :( As a kid, did you celebrate your dolls' birthdays? (if you're a girl) I never liked playing with dolls. But no, I didn’t celebrate the ‘birthdays’ of my other toys. None of them lasted that long with me anyway haha. Are you wearing a hoodie right now? Nope. It’s chilly right now, but it’s not wear-a-hoodie cold. Did you ignore the last facebook post that bothered you, or did you comment? I had to ignore it because it was from my grand-aunt, and old people like to throw fits when you call them out so it was going to be a waste of my time if I commented. Do you need to go to the pharmacy today? No, no need for meds anymore yaaaaaay. Are you realizing that one of your friends isn't a real friend? Not at the moment. I’m happy with the circle I currently have. What was the name of one of your stuffed animals as a kid? I didn’t like stuffed animals either. This is more of my sister’s turf. Do you have a car? If so, did you give it a name? I do have a car but I’ve never given it a name. With my dad having plans to sell it soon, I’d rather it stay nameless for the remaining time it has with me so that I don’t get any more attached to it. If you were a famous singer, what would you want your hit song to be about? I’d want it to have an important message so I’ll probably write something about the bullshit that the government keeps pulling on us.

Did you skip church last week? No, unfortunately my mom makes us watch YouTube recordings of masses from a certain church. I usually hold up one of our couch pillows so that I don’t have to see the TV screen, but nevertheless I’m part of the audience and 30-45 minutes of my time are always wasted every Sunday. Do you have any big regrets? Just one big one. If you had to re-design an alien, instead of making them green with slanty-eyes and an egg-shaped head, what would you make it look like? I’m not creative enough for this question, so pass Do you have anyone who loves you, besides God? Do you have anyone who cares about you, besides God? Do you have anyone who you can go to for support? Yes, there’s a number of people I can think of. Do you normally write in cursive or print? Print, I write faster that way. Does your heart ache for something? Right now I’m kinda wanting pizza actually lol. Do you fit the millennial stereotype? I’m not even a millennial, dude. Would you want your first child to be a boy or a girl? Girl. I don’t want sons. If you were to write an article for a magazine, what would it be about? I’m in the mood to write an opinion piece about, again, the government. Do you have a blog? I have this Tumblr but it’s really more of a journal than anything else, so no, I wouldn’t say that I have an active blog. I did have several classes where our projects required us to make blogs and I never deleted those, so those blogs are still up albeit untouched for years now. If you were to start a blog, what would your first post be about? I can see myself starting a food review blog where I journal all the restaurants I dine in. Do you think you are good at writing poetry? I absolutely suck at it and hate when I’m required to make poems. Have you ever tried a science experiment that didn't work? I don’t think so. Have you ever had a teacher who looked like an alien? I dunno what an alien is supposed to look like but I also haven’t had a teacher who I thought looked weird. Do you take gummy vitamins? Not since I was 14 or 15. Are your feet wide? No. At least I don’t think they are lol. If you could do research right now for an essay, what topic would you choose to right about? Welp today is our Independence Day, so keeping in line with the timing it’d be nice to do a paper on something about Philippine history. What are your strongest attribute? Personally, I like the fact that I’m detail-oriented. That trait has been responsible for presentable Powerpoints, has saved otherwise careless co-workers, and has made sure that all research, written articles, etc. are free from critical errors, be it in data or grammar. Have you ever been tempted to commit a crime? Of course. I think we’ve all been tempted to do something like that at least once. Have you ever started writing a suicide letter? I’ve written a couple ones throughout the years. ...and then realized you wanted to live? No. Do you know anyone who had to evacuate for the latest hurricane? Not the last typhoon, no. But my friends in Marikina have had to evacuate for past calamities many times because they live right beside a river, and one that easily overflows at that. Do you write letters to friends? Only for special occasions, like for Christmas, retreats, if they were graduating, etc. Do you like to write letters? I do but it can get so tiring, especially because I prefer handwriting my letters. I used to write 40+ handwritten letters, one for each of my classmates, every year when we would go on retreat. The practice was super tiring though so now I typically just write letters for Gab. As a kid, did you find diagramming sentences fun? The what sentences??? I’ve no clue what you’re talking about. Whatever those are, I’m positive we never did that in school. What is your dream? Money. Where would you travel if you could? I’d go absolutely everywhere, but I’d start by finishing off Asia first. When it comes to traveling, I’ve always imagined myself taking my sweet time going local first before venturing out to farther countries. That being said, I’d love to go to Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Brunei. Do you feel all alone in the world? No. Do you own a piece of jewelry with an owl on it? Haaaaaaaaa, no. That’s such a Tumblr-in-2010 trademark. I did have owl stuff before, though. If you have a class ring, what color is the stone? Not a thing here. Does looking at the starry sky make you feel peaceful? It does. But if I’m really hellbent on feeling peaceful, I’d rather look at either a skyline at night OR into the sea during the day. Do you have a pen pal? If not, would you ever want to have one? No and no. Like I said, I’m pretty much retired from handwritten letters after writing 40+ of them every single year for around a decade lol. Do you drink hot chocolate? Only La Creperie’s San Gines hot chocolate. Sometimes I’ll drink hot chocolate at hotels too. Do you like apple cider hot or cold? I don’t drink that. Are you hurt by something a friend did to you recently? No, none of them have done or said something hurtful to me lately. Are you under 30? Yeup. Have you made a "30 Things to Do Before I'm 30" list? No. I don’t like keeping myself under a deadline. Do you paint rocks and hide them in your town? I’ve never done that before. Do you have a secret crush? Nope, am very vocal about my crush heh. What was the name of your first crush? Andi. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Yes, groan. Do you like parodies? Not always. Some of them can be a little too cheesy for my liking. Are you a Taylor Swift fan? Not a chance. Have you ever kissed a picture? I probably have. Do you use window clings (stickers for your window)? No. Do you decorate for fall? We don’t have fall. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? Not really sure yet...I don’t even know if we’re getting Halloween this year. Has suicide crossed your mind a lot lately? [trigger warning] Not these days, and I’m really thankful for that. I’ve self-harmed twice during the course of the quarantine and while that’s disappointing at least I haven’t thought about being dead, and that’s what matters to me. Do you have supernatural abilities? ............No. Do you get enough hugs? Definitely not these days. I haven’t been hugged since March. I think I might cry when I get my first one. What labels do people try to put on you? I don’t know. You’d have to ask others because this isn’t the sort of thing people say to your face lol. Who do YOU (or rather, who does God) say you are? Are you happy? I’m not happy with the Jesus questions on here lmao but kidding aside, I wouldn’t say that I 100% am. I just feel like I’ve only been floating or existing recently, but not fully happy. Have you asked yourself recently, Why am I here? I hate questions like that, so no. What family member did you get your hair color from? Everyone of them. Filipinos have the same features. Have you ever found a secret compartment? No. If you designed a house, would you give it a secret room? I’ve seen some interesting ones on the internet that make me want a secret room of my own, but I think it’ll stay as a fantasy. Do you read horror stories? When I come across them, sure. I don’t actively look for them though. Do you ever comfort eat? Yeah, I did it a lot before quarantine. Yabu’s a great example of me comfort eating haha. Does stretching feel good? Yesssss. Do you have your wedding planned in your head already? I have scenarios that play in my head but I don’t have the specifics – color scheme, flowers, centerpieces, location, etc – mapped out yet. Would you ever adopt a child? Not my first choice. Are you ok today? I’d say so, yeah. It’s not hot today so that’s already good enough of a day for me lmao. Was the last book you read good? It was okay. It holds a great life story with okay writing. Wrestlers write autobiographies ALL THE TIME which means that not all of them will be a home run, and AJ’s was neither earth-shattering nor bad. I definitely didn’t appreciate the unintended-but-casual sexism/misogyny in it or the extreme hyperboles, but it’s AJ and I love her work nonetheless.

[killingwithklineness]

So now Mary considers Jack her son.

(Okay, I'm gonna derail this entire post parenthetically because it didn't even occur to me that the "boy" she says she lost was probably Castiel until AFTER I wrote this shit. Which is weird because I thought Jack would've told her that Cas is alive at some point way prior to this. They’ve been trapped together in the AU for MONTHS.

I mean, Why didn’t Jack tell her Castiel is alive after she said that onscreen? Unless a) he ALREADY DID, and b) she wasn’t talking about Cas. I literally thought she was talking about how she lost her own boys by dying all those years ago. But I could be wrong? ANYWAY, HERE I GO.)

I'm kinda iffy on how I feel about this. They've been in the Alternate Universe for months together, so this only feels weird because we haven't really seen their relationship develop onscreen. It's interesting though. Mary missed out on raising her own children for pretty much their entire lives. Maybe she looks at Jack and sees an opportunity to "start over" as a mother. Mary wouldn't put Jack before her biological sons (I think; I mean she did put the British Men of Letters before them...) and replace them with him, but she's in this strange situation where a baby has been orphaned. And said baby happened to be able to age extremely quickly. Meaning Mary has a new child in her life and it comes without the super-burdensome needs of one. Which is convenient. I can imagine that Mary might be incapable of meeting a small child's every need at this point because she's become so entrenched in the hunting life. She's been trying so hard to anchor herself back down to a world that has moved on without her, and hunting is really the only ""normal"" aspect of her life that has remained constant/unchanging since her death. (There may not always be children to raise, but there will always be monsters to kill.) She's been completely alienated from her family, her children see her as the blame for their own messed up lives, and hunting has been her way of coping. I think that even if Jack had stayed a baby, Mary would have put everything on hold to help raise him... but it might've sucked the life out of her. She might've wound up going AWOL at some point and abandoning Jack or something. Mary might've become as negligent to Jack as John was to Sam and Dean. It's impossible to be sure though. It could also be that Mary would be able to adjust to a domestic life and care for Jack, but I really don't think she could give up hunting without it hurting at least a little. (It's canon that Mary apparently snuck off on the occasional hunt after Dean was born; she saved Asa Fox in 1980.) I think by this point in her life, she's too invested in the cause to be able to fully commit herself to the care of an infant. These are all what-ifs, though. The fact is, Jack isn't a baby. All this aside, I think it's safe to assume that Mary definitely empathizes with Kelly Kline. She knows exactly how it feels to die before your child's life really begins. So I think out of empathy for Kelly, she now cares for Jack and has made a commitment to raise/protect him to the best of her ability (which, again, is made way easier for her due to the fact that Jack grew up so fast; but is also made harder because he's not completely human.) And then there's Jack's position in this relationship. Jack has naturally assumed the role of the protector/savior due to his strength and abilities. He entered the AU on a mission to rescue Mary and is hellbent on getting them both home safely. So Mary and Jack are reciprocal of each other's guardianships. I think on Jack's end, he doesn't quite attribute the same value to their relationship as Mary does. He might have accepted Mary as a surrogate (grand?)mother figure, but I don't get the sense that he loves her the way she "loves" him. The only reason that Jack has deemed Mary important is because of her proximity to Sam and Dean. He didn't embark on this mission to save her because she has sentimental value to him. He did it to prove to Mary's sons and to himself that he's not evil. That's he's capable of goodness. He was moved to do this out of guilt. If this motive didn't exist, Jack wouldn't have cared to try rescuing her. I think Jack appreciates Mary. He's grateful to her for being at his mother's side when she died. I think she's grown on him, but that Jack only considers her his family by proxy. It's probable that they've bonded during all of that time they've spent in the AU, but I don't think they have a super-cuddly, mother-son relationship. Maybe they've had moments of emotional closeness, but there's still some estrangement between them. Castiel might've been able to replace Lucifer at the drop of a hat, but Mary could never replace Kelly. Not totally. I think they both know that. And Mary could be just fine with it. She probably doesn't want to get too emotionally invested in Jack anyway. Even with Kelly absent, she remains a thick boundary between them. But she still can't help thinking of him as her (grand?)child. Albeit "adopted." Jack is almost a blank slate for Mary. Sam and Dean are the children she never got to raise. Jack is a surrogate child. And she doesn't have to feel tied down by him. Jack is developed and autonomous enough to care for himself (she doesn't have to baby him), but his body has a leg on his brain. Jack has a lot of maturing to do yet. And Mary is a good maternal candidate for the vacancy Kelly left behind. Maybe not the best, since she missed out on the full experience of motherhood, but she's been given a second chance at it. Mary failed Sam and Dean. She'll be damned if she fails Jack too.

[skidar]

SO About Net Neutrality

I’ve been more or less going through the motions with little passion on this hellsite. E-mailing my reps, signing petitions, reblogging loud all-caps posts talking about being shut down and the world is ending and all that rot.

But I never actually looked into the researching the plans for the revisions to the net now for myself.

The thing about tumblr is that its aggressive and hyper-librel. On here its far easier to reblog and go with the flow to appease the loud typers with their huge font sizes and all-caps. 

The thing is, for the most part, tumblr has a very unhealthy relationship with looking at both sides of a situation. Its fed by mass hysteria and has to be soothed by those with the time and patience to fact-check for themselves instead of blindly agreeing and following. 

Those that do a lot of the shouting have a very ‘fingers-in-ears’ approach to learning from the side they disagree with and like to paint said side like a huge, terrible villain.

I’ve been kind of lax about the whole thing, mainly ‘cause I’m already addicited to the internet and some small part of my thinks my life might improve if I wasn’t on it all the time. However, that’s small minded so I started to read into the issue myself.

So be prepared for some unpopular opinions accompanied by links.

To start with, Ajit Pai is not an evil bad guy mc-dictator. He’s a chairman for the FCC, which stands for the Federal Communications Devision. 

Think of the FCC as a sort of ACLU for the internet. It has rules and regulations and providers and site holders go to them to solve problems. However, it does not have unyielding power and say-all.

Say a provider does what we’re all fearing, they block you from viewing content in an effort to boost their own content. This actually happened in 2005:

“The most famous example of an ISP acting badly was a company called Madison River Communication which, in 2005, blocked ports used for Voice over Internet Protocol (VoIP) services, presumably to prop up their own alternative; it remains the canonical violation of net neutrality. It was also a short-lived one: Vonage quickly complained to the FCC, which quickly obtained a consent decree that included a nominal fine and guarantee from Madison River Communications that they would not block such services again. They did not, and no other ISP has tried to do the same; the reasoning is straightforward: foreclosing a service that competes with an ISP’s own service is a clear antitrust violation. In other words, there are already regulations in place to deal with this behavior, and the limited evidence we have suggests it works.“

Thompson, Ben. “Pro-Neutrality, Anti-Title II.” Stratechery by Ben Thompson, 29 Nov. 2017, stratechery.com/2017/pro-neutrality-anti-title-ii/.

The FCC ruled that yes, that behavior was bad and it shouldn’t be allowed to happen. It has only happened once in the past and the FCC made it clear that it does not support that. So, lets look into the sort of things the FCC is looking to change, in their eyes, for the better of the internet.

Despite what we’ve been reading the FCC isn’t hellbent on giving money-grubbing cable companies the keys to the internet to regulate the sites we go on. Rather, its more like a phone plan where you have different stages you can pay for in order to have different things. This is something we’re already accustomed to, data plans. Most of us have a phone with a data plan, right? And your provider probably has a variety of data plans to choose from with data caps at a certain about of gigs up to more expensive plans that offer unlimited gigs. Your access to the goods provided on your phone are not limited, you are only limited by your gig usage. Ex: my two brothers and I shared a data plan together because it was cheaper to split it that way. Through this data plan on our phones we all, collectively, had 5 gigs of data that we could use per month. Not very much huh? Well, we’re cheap. And you know what? It was fine. We used our data sparingly and hooked our phones to wifi when we could. If we went over our data we got a warning that we would have to pay $x to get an additional gig to ride out the month. We still had access to whatever we wanted: internet, spotify, netflix, youtube. We just payed for the cheapest plan that had a small data cap. Eventually we got sick of the data cap and upgraded to unlimited.

Now, you’re probably thinking: I don’t WANT to spend more to access the same stuff I LIKE the internet as it is

Well, lets keep digging.

the internet we have now already has certain data caps and exceeding it already causes our internet to move slow, especially with streaming videos, downloading huge files, etc. Our internet providers’ biggest selling point is fast download speeds and instant streaming. They offer a variety of capped data plans varying speeds for different prices. Again, we STILL have access to all the SAME content, just at varying speeds depending on our own needs and willingness to pay for certain plans. 

ie: my mom skims facebook every other day and checks her e-mail on weekends. She doesn’t need high speed for that, she’s content with what she has. Now, my dad and I use the internet to create videos, stream and teleconference. We need faster internet speeds so we pay for more gigs.

That is how the internet currently is.

So what does the FCC want to change?

The FCC actually wants to rollback some of the harsher regulations that have been set in place since 2015:

“The Federal Communications Commission has announced a total repeal of Obama-era net neutrality rules, a sweeping rejection of Obama-era rules meant to keep the internet a level playing field and prevent companies from charging additional fees for faster internet access. US telecoms have pledged to broadly respect net neutrality principles, however, and this ruling will give internet service providers the freedom to experiment with new pricing models and prioritization of content.”

Coren, Michael J. “Without net neutrality in Portugal, mobile internet is bundled like a cable package.” Quartz, Quartz, 30 Oct. 2017, qz.com/1114690/why-is-net-neutrality-important-look-to-portugal-and-spain-to-understand/.

Now I know you read that and are jumping to THIS scary image”

Which, by the way, is fake. It’s from 2014 and it was a mock up image for fake ‘internet plans’

The phrasing is also off. What we need to think of is that cable companies are competitive. The ones with the lowest prices get the MOST customers. So say Verizon says ‘hell yes, I’m gonna charge you $45 extra bucks to let you get better streaming speeds to youtube and netflix.’ but then over there in the corner Comcast is like ‘huh, that’s a lousy deal, we’ll let you keep accessing those speeds for $15 a month!’ and then At&T is like ‘Screw that, you guys can keep those speeds for no extra cost!’ That’s business competition, and yeah, some providers aren’t available in certain areas and that price gouge can be obnoxious but we’re already dealing with that in my city where certain neighborhoods have this provider and some have a different one. 

What you might be fearing is ‘well, what if they all raise their prices astronomically and don’t back down?’ Well, that’s a monopoly and those are very illegal. Remember how the FCC busted Madison River Communications? You bet your butt they’d bust a monopoly. Systematic abuse is already not tolerated and evidence suggests that its not the goal of the reform.

So what IS the goal of the reform? 

The reform wants to roll back some heavy regulations that occurred over the past two years (like speed regulations, data caps, etc) to allow the internet to expand it broadband and development like it did before 2015. Sounds ok.

Personally, I really not worried about this. The more I read about it the less horrible it sounds. A lot of posts have brought it way out of proportion and yes there are some aspects about this that I really really don’t like. 

I DON’T like that verizon censors tumblr posts about Net Neutrality. 

I DON’T like algorithms that filter people into their own niches and don’t allow them to think for themselves (show the people what they want and they won’t complain about what they don’t see)

I’ve taken a wait-and-see approach now that I’ve read up on plans and FAQs and the various debunked rumors for the reform. 

Honestly if the cable companies screw around the people will just drop them and go with the least scummiest one. Hit ‘em where hurts, in their wallet.

This ends my insanely long piece but this IS tumblr so I implore you to not just take my own research at face value. I want you to look things up for yourselves and make a well-reasoned and educated decision. 

Yes I’m for an open and free internet, so is Ajit Pai, he just wants to change some things to make it better.

Some useful links:

What is said vs what is heard

https://qz.com/1114690/why-is-net-neutrality-important-look-to-portugal-and-spain-to-understand/

Great article that breaks down Title II and Net Neutrality past and future

https://stratechery.com/2017/pro-neutrality-anti-title-ii/

Myths and Facts about Title II and Net Neutrality

http://transition.fcc.gov/Daily_Releases/Daily_Business/2017/db1128/DOC-347961A1.pdf

[jae-bummer]

Noticing You

Request: Idk if you're taking requests but I be spent 3 days reading everything on your blog and it's so great haha. Can you plssss do a shownu FLUFF/smutty where another member walks in on u

Member: Monsta X’s Shownu x Y/N x (ft. Wonho) 

Type: fluff/smutty situations

Your eyes played across Shownu’s deltoids as he kept his back turned to you. His large hands were gripped around a pair of dumbbells as he fully extended his elbows, lifting the weights into the air above his head. You looked up in the mirror just as a single bead of sweat slid down his temple and hit his cheekbone. 

“Oh man,” you hissed, shaking your head and looking back down to the progress screen of the treadmill you were shuffling on. You had been there for nearly four miles, going at a steady speed, not even realizing your distance. You had an amazing distraction after all, so you weren’t surprised that you had nearly made your goal in such a short amount of time. 

You looked up again just as Shownu did, catching his eyes for a brief moment in the reflective wall. He cracked a grin before looking away, letting out a slight chuckle. You felt your face immediately begin to heat up, looking anywhere but at the man you had been silently eying up for the better part of an hour. 

“Focus,” you muttered, looking at the small screen flashing brightly before you. Your cardio would be finished any moment and you could escape the situation. 

You had joined the gym roughly three months ago in an attempt at a new year’s resolution. After an oddly difficult approval process, you were given a membership and made an internal promise to go at least three times a week, if not more. You were hellbent on living a healthier lifestyle, even if it meant replacing fast food with the gym...

or at least having the gym quietly coincide with your fast food runs. 

After visiting the fitness center a handful of times, you quickly came to understand why it was so difficult to secure a membership. The place was teaming with idols. Members of Monsta X, Seventeen, and BtoB often frequented the equipment and it was an average occurrence to see more than one member at any time. Of course you initially caught yourself fangirling, but you quickly fell into the strange normalcy of working out around celebrities. Not to mention, it was a pretty good incentive to actually make use of your year contract, and bust your butt while you were there. 

It also helped that after you got over your initial stuttering, you had shared countless numbers of conversations with various Korean celebrities, just looking for some normalcy themselves. After all, you were all human, just with different skill sets and professions.  

You looked up again, biting your lip as you tried to use your peripherals to sight Shownu. He was no longer in your field of vision, having disappeared from the weight area while you were trying to deflate the balloon of embaressment growing in your chest.

“Hey,” a deep voice said simply, a bit too close to your ear. 

“Aish,” you groaned, spinning and nearly tripping over your feet. A pair of strong hands gripped your arm until you managed to regain your footing. You placed your sneakers on either side of the treadmill and halted the machine before even bothering to look up. “Show-shownu?”

He nodded, his eyes disappearing into slits as he smirked. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s alright,” you hummed, regaining your composure before beginning to walk on the machine again. “I just didn’t see you.”

“You did earlier,” Shownu chuckled, pushing on the treadmill he was now using. It kicked into action and Shownu began casually walking, giving you a side eye at the same time. 

Your jaw dropped slightly, heat beginning to flood your face that had nothing to do with your workout. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled, looking away from your amazed expression. 

You shook your head, incapable of even forming a sentence. Looking down to your machine, you noted that you were now half a mile over your goal. You quickly halted, grabbed your water bottle, and gave a fleeting nod to Shownu. “Later.”

You scrubbed a hand over the back of your neck as you speed walked away from the machines and toward the locker room. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” you whispered, disappearing behind the door marked for women. You sighed as soon as you realized you were alone and shut your eyes, leaning against the cold lockers behind you. You remained still for a moment, keeping your eyes closed as the door to the locker room cracked open. 

“I’m sorry,” a deep voice groaned. You immediately looked up, your lashes fluttering at the sight of a red-faced Shownu. A hand was clamped tightly over his eyes and the other was stretched out before him. He touched the lockers gingerly, stopping and focusing his hearing. “Y/N? Are you there?”

“I’m here,” you hummed. “You are also here...in the women’s locker room.”

“I know,” he groaned. “But I felt really bad after what I said, so I wanted to apologize.”

“You said you were sorry directly after saying it,” you chuckled uneasily, hoisting yourself up to cross the room and stand in front of Shownu. You placed your hands on your hips and tilted your head. 

“But it wasn’t enough,” he sighed. “I know I made you uncomfortable.”

“You know...” you hummed, looking Shownu up and down. He was still clad in his workout clothes, a tank top and gym shorts. The short space between you was causing your heart to race, but you hand’t planned on backing down. “You could’ve waited until I left the locker area.”

Shownu remained silent as he opened a space between his pointer and middle finger. He looked through his hands and down to you, letting out a deep breath as he dropped his arm to his side. 

“So this is what it looks like in here,” he nodded, pursing his lips. “It’s like the men’s...but cleaner. Smells a lot better too.”

You sighed, shook your head, and crossed your arms. “Shownu...”

“Hm?” he hummed, snapping out of his thoughts and looking back toward you. 

“What are you doing? Really?” you whispered. 

“I guess...I guess I didn’t really want to apologize,” he grumbled. “Because I wasn’t really sorry.”

Your eyes grew wide and your mouth opened and closed, attempting to utter out any words. You were rendered speechless, which suited Shownu since he wasn’t finished talking yet. 

“I’m sorry for making you feel that way, but not for what I said,” he explained. “I’ve noticed you watching me before...”

“Oh god,” you whispered, spinning to hide your face. Shownu let out a soft chuckle and reached out for your arm, forcing you to face him. His fingers were like fire on your moist skin and you flinched away from his unfaltering touch. 

“But I liked it,” Shownu finished with a smile. 

For a moment you thought you had passed out and hit your head on a bench on the way down. Surely this was a strange psychotic episode that you had dreamt up all on your own. 

“You...you did?” you stuttered, looking at him with wide eyes. 

He nodded, his grin growing on his handsome face. “I’m not one to misspeak.”

You shook your head a bit, trying to come to the realization of what he was saying. 

“So...” you hummed, furrowing your brows. 

“So,” Shownu nodded, taking a few steps toward you. He kept his hand light on your arm as his face approached yours. “I’d like to get to know you better.”

His eyes searched your face as his hand moved from your arm to the back of your neck. His strong fingers held you in place as he tilted his head, licking his lips. 

You tried to contain yourself, letting a hiss out between your teeth as you subconsciously begged for him to come closer. You knew that you and Shownu didn’t know too much about each other, other than the pleasantries you exchanged every now and again. You knew you shouldn’t be trying to kiss him in the locker room at the gym, but there was something about his muscles pulsing beneath his sweaty, tanned skin...

Shownu’s nose grazed across your cheek as his breaths became hot on your lips. He was painstakingly slow in his motions and you could hardly handle the tension. His opposite hand moved forward, grasping your hip. The waistband of his workout shorts was now pressed against your torso. 

A quiet clunk echoed through the locker room as Shownu eased you against the cold metal of the lockers around you. You let out a small whimper, the temperature causing you to shiver in the shadow of Shownu’s warmth. 

That was when his lips suddenly hit yours. Hesitant and shy at first, they worked with the rhythm of your racing heartbeats. Shownu wanted to be gentle, but was incapable of showing restraint. Subtlety was not his strong suit. 

You gasped as Shownu gripped both of your thighs, pulling you up to straddle his waist. He only allowed your lips to break for a moment before he began to kiss you again, more urgent than before. You wrapped your arms around the back of his neck, running your fingernails across the nape. This caused Shownu to groan, giving you the opportunity to place your tongue between his lips and entangle with his. You felt a growing bulge pulsing behind his workout shorts and rubbing against your core. He dropped your thighs, letting your sneakers find the floor again. You removed one of the hands that was snaked around his neck and began to rub his member, gently at first, but quickly grew in fervor. He closed his eyes, letting out a brief groan as he pushed his body even closer to yours, biting down on your shoulder as you continued your motions. 

“Can I?” you whispered, tugging at his shirt. Without having to give permission, he ripped off his tank top on his own, and tossed it over his shoulder. In the brief moment, you became even more aware that you were in a public space, doing a very private thing. 

Your hands roamed over the muscles you had admired for so long. You kissed Shownu’s neck gently, sucking on his skin and causing small patches of red and purple in your wake. Even though he was post work out, he smelled incredible. It was almost as if he was wearing cologne, but you knew it was near impossible with his workout regiment. 

“Yah!” a low voice groaned, emerging from the shower area. You immediately pushed away from Shownu, eyes wide as you looked around his frame. 

“Wonho?”

Wonho gripped at a towel clinging around his waist and looked at you both with furrowed brows. Water dripped from his blonde bangs onto his bare chest. “What are you two doing?”

“What are you doing?” you gasped. “This is the women’s locker room!”

Wonho looked down to the floor, his cheeks turning a bright red. “The body wash in here smells better.”

“It’s so clean in here, right?” Shownu nodded, looking at his member as if this was a normal occurrence. 

“It is!” Wonho nodded, his eyes wide as he looked back up at the two of you. 

“Aigoo, both of you, out! Now!” you groaned, picking up Shownu’s tank top and tossing it at his bare stomach. 

“But I don’t-” Wonho groaned, beginning to pull on his own clothing. 

“Out!” you repeated. 

Shownu smiled as he tugged on his tank top, placing a quick kiss on your lips. “I’ll wait outside then.”