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The weight of the world is a heavy burden
Especially for a child
(Or, in slightly less dramatic terms – I imagine that the first of her past lives that Avatar Suiren [who is the Avatar after Aang instead of Korra in my AU, and also Ghazan and Ming-Hua’s daughter] gets to talk to is Yangchen, because she is too plagued by memories not her own [including Jetsun’s death, fun fact]. And Yangchen wouldn’t want another child to go through what she did on their own)
(Or maybe someone just needed an excuse to draw @katkastrofa’s latest obsession in a context that interests them as well, just in time to maybe cheer her up a little? You can’t prove anything)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#Avatar Suiren AU#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#yangchen#original character#sotrl suiren#if you’re wondering what the context is. Suiren is around 8 or 9 here. already having revealed herself as the Avatar to her parents#and it has been Hard. because as much as they try to maintain a sense of normalcy for her. it’s clear that things have changed#they never accounted for their daughter turning out to be the Avatar. they hoped Aang dying on the night she was born to be a coincidence#all of their plans now have to be rethought and put on hold because her safety is more important than anything else#she is never blamed for anything. she is still just as loved. yet there’s now a heaviness in their gazes whenever they look at her#the Avatar as a concept should not exist. it is too much power and responsibility for one being who is ultimately human#that’s what Suiren was taught. so what do those teachings mean if she’s the Avatar?#basically.. a whole lot of cognitive dissonance and she hasn’t even been alive for a decade yet#and all her life her head was filled by strange memories and dreams. fragments of lives not her own. sometimes nightmares#and usually her mama would comfort her through it but tonight… she just wants to be alone#so she wanders off. not too far. but enough that she wouldn’t be heard. and just softly cries#because it’s too much. because she doesn’t want to be the Avatar. why her? why not anyone else?#and as she whispers that she wishes she wasn’t the Avatar. her mind is assaulted by memories of previous Avatars saying the same thing#it really is a never ending cycle of too much burden being placed on a single person. but that realisation is anything but comforting#she begs for it to stop because that grief of life over life spent pushing a boulder uphill is just Too Much#and before she knows it. it ceases. only to be replaced by a blue glow visible even through closed eyelids#and a feather light touch of hands on her face. it doesn’t feel exactly like human hands by virtue of belonging to a spirit#that helps her relax a little. reminding her of mama’s touch. she looks at the person who appeared before her. her mind supplies the name#‘Avatar Yangchen?’. she whispers. but the woman is nowhere near as stoic and peaceful as she’s shown to be in every depiction of her#she looks.. sad. concerned. as burdened by grief as Suiren herself is. she’s not just a legendary figure from a time long gone#not yet another past life Suiren would never measure up to. she’s… human. capable of human emotion. just like Suiren is#I’m not sure how their conversation goes and have no inspiration to come up with anything. but I just wanted to draw them interacting
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I was gonna post this here too and then I forgot but anyways
I randomly remembered this one drawing from last year and felt like redrawing it
+ the original for those who never witnessed it the first time
#mfb#metal fight beyblade#kyoya tategami#nile beyblade#this is so stupid but I like it so much#got to the wild fang episodes in masters so kyonile have been on the brain a bit#i say this a lot but sometimes I feel like my art hasn’t changed much in the past year or two#but I look at stuff like this which was just last year and I’m like#’oh my god I *have* improved’#i need to redraw more old art it makes me happy#kinda wanna redo my banner cuz I think I could’ve done better
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Shine On (4/16)
Read on AO3 | Tagging @today-in-fic
Chapter 4: The Art of Profiling
Farrs Corner, Virginia February 20, 2015
The pizza that Fox Mulder ordered isn’t from a pizza place Jackson has ever heard of, like Domino’s or Pizza Hut, but it’s really good anyway. Or at least it tastes good to someone who hasn’t eaten all day. Jackson eats the first piece really quickly, then he grabs for a second without thinking, forgetting his manners. When he realizes what he’s done, he hesitates.
“Go for it,” the older man says, his eyes darting sharply back and forth between the pizza and Jackson’s face. “Eat as much as you want.”
Fox Mulder has been acting much more intense ever since Jackson told him about the red-headed lady.
Jackson’s tired, and he has only barely skimmed the surface of the man’s difficult mind, but he can tell that the guy’s stunned by the news. Fox Mulder’s mind is channeling down a dozen different paths right now: fast, mazelike thoughts, like bobsleds going down tracks. A current of sharp worry running through like a winter chill.
It’s honestly exhausting to try to figure out. Jackson closes off the shine for now, takes another big bite of pizza. This sausage is a little spicy, which is exactly how he likes it.
“I have a lot of questions for you,” Fox Mulder says, his voice low. “I don’t want to overwhelm you. But I … gotta ask some of them.”
Jackson nods reluctantly, his mouth full. He doesn’t feel like answering questions at all. Still, he supposes the more he gets out of the way, the better.
“You said you have visions,” the man says, setting his own piece of pizza down. “Do you have other … abilities?”
Jackson studies him cautiously as he finishes chewing his bite of pizza. He’s not in the habit of discussing what he can do. It’s only really ever been trouble when he has, so he’s almost instinctively secretive about it. But things are different now. And Fox Mulder, well, he seems to know all about this kind of thing.
“Yeah,” Jackson says carefully. “I do.”
The man runs his hand over his mouth. Jackson notices he’s only eaten half of his slice of pizza. Either he’s not hungry, or he’s too distracted.
“You can read thoughts,” Fox Mulder guesses, leaning back, speaking with certainty. He folds his hands in front of him. “You can focus on other people’s thoughts. Not just one person, but several at once.”
Jackson sets his slice of pizza down in shock. “How did you know that?”
“You can move objects, too.”
Jackson blinks at him. “I have been able to do that. Some. I could do it easier when I was little.”
“What else?”
“I can, like, change people’s perceptions. What they see. Not for forever, just for a little while. So, if I, like, need a distraction in class or something, I can make the teacher think someone opened the door and mooned us. Stupid stuff like that.”
Fox Mulder looks undeniably fascinated. “Wow,” he says. “Interesting.” He taps his fingers on the table. Jackson doesn’t have to use his shine to see that the man is thinking this over. “So does that mean you could effectively shapeshift? If you wanted to?”
“Yeah,” admits Jackson. “At least I can make other people think I look like someone else.”
“Huh,” the man says, squinting thoughtfully. He tilts his head, looking at Jackson again. “Are you reading my mind right now?”
“No,” Jackson says honestly.
“Why not?”
“I’m tired,” Jackson says. “It’s work, sometimes. And no offense, but you’re kind of complicated and hard.”
Fox Mulder chuckles. “I don’t know if I should take offense at that or not.”
“I did read your mind earlier,” Jackson confesses. “And the red-haired lady …. she was really easy. I hardly had to try with her at all. It was like her thoughts just flew at me. I was wondering if that was because she was my birth mom. Do you think that could be right?”
The man stares at him blankly, not directly answering. “Her name is Dana Scully.”
“Dana Scully,” repeats Jackson.
“Have you ever heard that name before?”
“No,” Jackson says. “I don’t think so.”
“Did your parents tell you anything about your birth parents? Who they were, where you were from?”
“I don’t think they knew anything about them,” Jackson says. “It was a closed adoption.”
Fox Mulder nods, scratching his chin. “Yeah,” he says. It’s like a cloud of sadness has fallen over him. “Yeah, it would have been.” He fixes Jackson with a curious look. “Do you … have any questions for me? About any of this?”
“Uh. Sure.” Jackson looks around the room, slowly, as if the best question to ask might be scrawled on the walls. The faces peering out of the framed photos draw his attention again, but it’s all so much. He looks away, back at the box of pizza in front of them instead. “Is it… okay if I have another slice, Mr. Mulder?”
The man laughs a little, crossing his arms. “You can just call me Mulder.”
“I think I’m eating more than you, Mulder,” Jackson points out seriously. “It doesn’t seem fair. It’s your pizza.”
“I told you, eat as much as you want.”
Jackson feels like he has been polite enough. He shrugs. “Thanks,” Jackson says, taking another slice.
“Jackson,” Mulder says, watching him eat, his voice suddenly too casual. “Do you have any idea who your birth father is?”
Jackson picks up his piece of pizza and studies it, pulling off a particularly delicious-looking piece of sausage and sampling it. “Well,” he says, through a mouthful, “I’ve got a guess. Based on certain clues. But I don’t know for sure.”
“Clues you’ve read in people’s minds? Or clues you’ve noticed?”
Jackson shrugs again. “Both, I guess.” He gives Mulder a look, raising his eyebrows.
There’s a pause.
“What clues?”
“Well, I’m not stupid,” Jackson says matter-of-factly. “That woman, Dana Scully, was here, fighting with you. Lots of big feelings. Then, the way you’re acting now. Like you think I’m a brand new iPhone and you can’t stop looking at me. And how you seem to know things about me. That’s a bunch of clues.”
Mulder has been sitting with his arms crossed, and he hasn’t moved the entire time Jackson’s been talking. But now Jackson can see a tear sprouting in his eye. It surprises him. Wayne Van De Kamp, his father, would never have cried in front of him. Mulder blots it with his sleeve, and Jackson sees his hands are shaking, too.
Maybe he shouldn’t have said that so carelessly, kind of flippantly. It’s obviously a big deal to Mulder. Really, truthfully, it’s a big deal to Jackson, too—something he’s wondered about his whole life. But right now he just can’t have everything feel like a big deal all at once. Or he’ll explode or something.
He meets the man’s damp eyes.
“Yeah,” Mulder says roughly, trying to smile. “Okay. A lot of clues.” He pauses, uncrosses his arms, places his hands on the table. “I get the sense you can’t handle a lot more emotional drama right now, Jackson, and I get that, I really do. Believe it or not, I’ve been in that place myself.”
Jackson’s speechless. It’s like the man read his mind, but that’s not possible.
“I just want to say, we can talk about it whenever you want to,” Mulder adds. “No pressure.”
Jackson nods his head up and down, licking his lips nervously.
***
After dinner, they go back into the part of the room with the couch, which is surrounded by all the messy piles of books. Jackson sits on the floor and starts picking up volumes curiously. “The Art of Profiling?” he says. “Is that an art book?”
“No,” Mulder says with a smile, trying to kick piles out of the way. “It’s psychological profiling. Like for criminals.”
“Oh,” Jackson says, making a connection. “Like on Criminal Minds.”
“What’s that? A TV show?”
“Yeah,” Jackson says. “My parents love it. It’s about a team of FBI agents who profile dangerous criminals.” An exciting thought occurs to him. “Wait, is that what you did?”
“Yes,” Mulder says. “No. Kind of. I was a profiler, years and years ago. But then I was put on the X-files, where I investigated cases that had unexplainable, supernatural associations.”
“That’s why you have books like this,” Jackson says. He lifts the book Sasquatch: Diverse Perspectives. “Or this?” Extraterrestrial Abductions Beyond the Media.
“Yeah,” Mulder says, a self-deprecating shrug. “That’s right.”
“That’s badass,” Jackson says, a root of an idea occurring to him. He belatedly realizes his mistake. “I mean, that’s cool. Very cool,” he corrects himself.
“It was badass,” Mulder agrees, seemingly unaffected by Jackson’s profanity. “Although… it could be difficult. We went through a lot, working on the X-files. Scully and me.”
Jackson absorbs this information. “So you and Dana Scully worked together on the X-files. In the F.B.I.. That’s how you knew one another?”
“We were partners,” Mulder says with quiet precision, like this sentence is very important.
They’re just three words—we were partners—but Jackson can tell they tell an entire complicated story the length of a book or more. His shine cries out to be used, but Jackson pushes it aside.
“Mulder,” Jackson says slowly. “Is it a coincidence that you and my birth mom worked on these X-files … and that I have these abilities?”
“No, Jackson,” Mulder says, sighing heavily. “It’s probably not a coincidence.” He sits on the couch, looking down at Jackson still sitting on the floor. “There are things that both of us were exposed to that could have … caused the abilities.”
“But you guys don’t have them yourselves, right?”
“No. Not like you.”
It’s a frustrating answer. “Not like me? Or not at all?”
“Some things I want to wait to talk to you about,” Mulder replies. “Until we’ve had a chance to talk to your mother, too.”
Your mother.
Jackson inhales sharply, the words sending an unexpected shock through him.
“I meant Scully, of course,” Mulder says quickly, noticing his reaction. “I’m sorry.”
“Dana Scully isn’t my mother,” Jackson says with emphasis. “I have a mother.”
“I know.” Mulder’s eyes look impossibly sad. “I’m sorry, Jackson. I know.”
“I’m not looking to replace my parents,” Jackson says tightly. “That’s not why I’m here or what this is about. They’ll always be my parents. I love them.”
Mulder appears to sink further into the couch. “Yeah,” he says. “I can tell you do.”
Jackson looks down quickly at the stack of books again, playing silently with the cover of Criminology Through The Ages. He knows he shouldn’t have gotten angry. He knows Mulder didn’t mean anything by it, and he’s having to struggle with his shine now to keep from sensing any bad feelings or thoughts coming off of Mulder.
It’s just Jackson feels almost disloyal, sitting here talking to this man, learning this information about his birth parents’ lives, when his parents just died. When they probably died because of him.
“Jackson.” Mulder’s voice is kind. “What were they like? Your parents. Do you want to … tell me about them? I don’t know anything about them.”
Jackson pauses, still staring at the book in his hand. “Yeah,” he says. He tries to find the right words. He has to be the person who remembers them, who speaks for them to the world now. “They were … they weren’t anything like me. But they were great.”
Mulder waits patiently, his soft eyes on Jackson. Jackson puts the book back carefully on top of a pile.
“My dad was the shop teacher at Rawlins High School. He was good at woodworking, cabinetry. He was always trying to teach me.”
“Were you good at it, too?”
“No,” Jackson says with a tiny smile. “I was really, really bad at it.”
“Oh yeah?” Mulder echoes the tiny smile.
“I couldn’t cut straight. I forgot to measure,” Jackson says, shaking his head. “I was always disappointing him.”
“Not really,” Mulder guesses softly.
“No,” Jackson agrees, just as softly. “Not really.” He’s quiet, thinking more about his goofy, sweater-vested dad. “He was always cheerful. He thought you should look on the positive side of things, you know? Really into baseball. He coached my Little League team for a while.”
“That’s good,” Mulder says encouragingly. “It’s good to play sports.” He’s quiet, too. “And your mom?”
“Her job was running the church preschool,” Jackson says. “She was always singing. She loved holiday decorations, and to cook and bake.” He feels tears threatening. “She is just … she was a really good mom to me. Like, she hugged me all the time. I acted like I didn’t like it, but I did.”
“I’m glad she did that,” Mulder whispers. “I’m so glad.”
“She was really Christian. Really into church. They both were.”
“You were raised religious?”
“Yeah,” Jackson says. “Lutheran.” He glances at Mulder wryly. “But I was really bad at that, too.”
Mulder returns the look. “I’m not very good at that myself,” he says. “Scully’s religious, in her own way. But I’ve never been … that kind of believer. It’s just never made sense to me”
Something warm blooms in Jackson at being understood in this way. It’s never made sense to him, either.
“What are you good at?” Mulder asks. His tone is gentle, but Jackson’s shine is suddenly alert, suddenly aware of what’s underneath the man’s exterior. Mulder is hungry to know more about him, desperate for any detail. His need is so overwhelming, Jackson closes the door on it quickly.
“I don’t know,” Jackson says casually. “I’m good at math, I guess. Math comes easy to me.”
Mulder’s face lights up. “Scully’s amazing at math.” Looking over at Jackson, he seems to regret his words. His scolding to himself shines through. —stop making everything he says about me and Scully. “Sorry. You’re telling me about yourself.”
“I like to run,” Jackson continues. “I’m pretty fast, and I think I’m a good distance runner. I was thinking maybe I’d try out for the track team in high school.” He pauses. “But I guess I’m not going to high school now.”
“Come on,” Mulder says. “Of course you’re going to high school. Your life isn’t over.”
“I’m most likely going to prison,” Jackson mumbles darkly.
“Nah. Not going to happen.”
“I don’t even know where I’m going to live,” Jackson adds. “Where I’m going to stay tonight.”
“You’re obviously going to stay here tonight,” Mulder insists. “After that, we’ll figure it out.”
The lightning-fast image of a school building with a sign— Farrs Corner High School—and then another fast image, the two of them, Mulder and Jackson, running side by side on a country road, a road that looks a lot like the road right outside the farmhouse. Then almost instantly, more scolding in Mulder’s mind: Way ahead of yourself. Stop it. Haven’t even told Scully. Need to confirm.
“How will we confirm?” Jackson asks quickly. “What does that mean?”
Mulder’s eyebrows shoot up. “That’s going to take some getting used to.”
“Sorry,” Jackson says. “That was kind of rude of me, probably.”
“I have to remind myself you’re listening,” Mulder says with a small smile.
“I normally try to hide it more,” Jackson says. He stands up, stepping around the books to sit next to Mulder on the couch. “But I mean … what’s the point if you already know, right?”
“I was just thinking that before we introduce you to Scully, we should run DNA,” Mulder says. “Yours against mine. To confirm it.”
“Why?” Jackson says, frowning. “You don’t believe me?”
“Can’t you tell that I believe you?”
Jackson sighs. “Yeah, I think you do.” He kicks out his long legs and leans his head back against the back of the couch. “But like I said, you’re not the easiest.”
“The people that Scully and I used to be involved with,” Mulder says, “were the kind of people who would go to extremes. Even extremes like convincing a kid his birth mother was someone she wasn’t. Like planting ideas into people’s heads. I don’t think you’re lying, but I think it would be smart to know for sure.”
Jackson swings his head to look at Mulder. “Who were these people?”
Mulder regards him with a troubled expression. “I’ll answer that, Jackson. But I think you need to answer this, too: who drove you here? To Virginia?”
“I told you,” Jackson says, folding his arms defensively, “I can’t tell you that.”
“Why?” Mulder’s eyebrows draw together in concern. “It worries me a little. Did the person who drove you ask you not to tell me?”
“Yeah, they did,” Jackson admits. “But I don’t think they’re one of these bad people you’re talking about. They were just trying to help me.”
“But Jackson,” Mulder says urgently, “you need to understand that—”
“You’re just going to have to trust me,” Jackson insists, and his voice sounds younger than he intends. “Please. Just trust me.”
Mulder rubs his temple with one finger. “Okay,” he says simply. “I can do trust.” He leans forward on his forearms. “But still, Jackson, I think we gotta do the DNA test. If you’re not … the person we think you are—and who Scully thinks you are, it would be too hard for her.”
“She’s been wanting to see me that bad?”
Mulder is surprised. “Of course she has. Of course.”
“But it was a closed adoption. Her choice.”
Mulder opens and closes his mouth, again seeming not to know what to say. “Since the second she let you go,” he says, his voice strained, “she’s been wanting to see you again.”
Jackson’s shine pulls in an image then of a baby in a crib, crying, and then the woman Mulder calls Scully, younger, crying and crying, inconsolable.
It’s all too sad, and Jackson is sad already.
“Okay. DNA test tomorrow then,” Jackson says, shrugging. “No big deal.”
“Great,” Mulder says, standing up. “Now I thought I’d show you where you’ll be sleeping if you want. I’ll have to put sheets on the guest bed first. Maybe you can help me. This place used to be a little more organized when Scully lived here.”
“You have a guest room, huh?” Jackson says. “Fancy.”
“Yeah,” Mulder says in a strange voice. “It’s just an extra bedroom. Small. Not too fancy.”
It was supposed to be your room. In case we got you back somehow. Mulder’s thoughts are suddenly and unexpectedly clear.
“Then I guess I better sleep in it,” Jackson responds flatly, following along behind him.
***
#xfiles fanfic#the x files#x files fanfic#fox mulder#dana scully#x files#xf fanfic#msr#jackson van de kamp#my fic#shine on
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DOES TIA Do any school club stuff? Does she have one she admires, likes? Dislikes?
THANKS I LOVE TIA LORE DUMP EXCUSES!! SHE IS OFFICIALLY in the Newspaper Club 😩, but not out of actual interest. It’s just a means to assist in documenting her school life as she’s supposed to do. It’s her credit, I guess. Honestly, they don’t really get into the logistics too much, so I wouldn’t sweat the details here either. I imagine Crowley just shoved her (and Grim) in there.
Though despite being in that club, Grim says he’s in the “Gourmet Club.” But that’s just self-proclaimed only 😩 that club doesn’t actually exist, it’s just an excuse to eat food after classes are done. (Tho im pretty sure this is actually true, I have no basis for this though, just a hunch, but my hunch hasn’t been wrong yet.) I’m sure his “club” has a lot going for it considering the sole member lives with freaking Tia, an already gifted chef. Besides, they count as one student. If Tia is officially in the Newspaper Club, then so is he via technicality.
Since cooking is an art she’d probably be more drawn to the “arts” clubs. It’s hard to say if she admires any though, given I think she can have a one track mind at times. I don’t think she really gives herself the opportunity to be interested in them beyond surface level. Which kinda sucks, cuz she might be missing out on new things to experience or be invested in. She’s not a sports person either, but nearly all her closer friends are in sports clubs, so she’s often present to see tourneys, games, whatever if they have any. Which btw, this is definitely a shift from how she’d be back in her home world, cuz if her friends there ever invited her to anything or ask her to do something like that she’d’ve just shirked it in favor of focusing on her long term goal (as per her Tiana allusions, cough cough. And now she may never see those friends again :’3). She still kinda tries to shirk going to these things because… habits, y’know. I’m not entirely sure she has any opinion on sports clubs themselves, again, that one track mind can sorta. Y’know.
The only club Tia would actually want to hypothetically be in is a Cooking Club because god forbid she stray from the path she set up for herself. Though, I am not sure if one is confirmed to actually exist at the school. The Master Chef/Culinary Crucible special class DOES though, so I don’t know. I DREW THAT! …If Tia wasn’t so serious sometimes, I don’t think she would be totally opposed to just joining in on the “Gourmet Club” thing. She loves food too.
Total aside, I like to imagine that the Newspaper Club is sparsely populated with a few guys (probably 3) who just don’t even talk to each other lol. They all do different things without exactly collaborating because it’s NRC. No one reads the newspaper anyway!! Internet exists, as everyone points out. Club time for Tia is sitting in a classroom and perusing her ghost camera photos and organizing things. Or just… think. Worst case scenario she and Grim are completely alone in that “club” and it was a dead club that only got resurrected cuz it was convenient for the bird man and happened to line up with Tia’s documenting school life thing. Honestly that feels real. She’d rather be doing anything else though. It’s not like clubs were a school requirement back home unless you wanted to look more rounded on some applications. Clubs weren’t exactly on her radar either, it was saving money to get into her own school of her dreams. So dividing time for a club and hanging with people was mostly off the table.
I think Tia is still trying to figure herself out though. A lot of her identity so far is still solely based around her long term career goal and hardly considers much of anything else if it doesn’t tie into that somehow. The whole “being transported to another world” thing is just an obstacle on the path right now. Omg I wonder if she’ll be forced to go through life changing stuff, learn lessons, and go with the flow on top of being forced to confront any internal demons that up until now she’s been burying from watching other guys completely collapse from doing so, plus… other typical things of the genre!!! 🫣🫣
…it’s an in-joke that I think she low key enjoys the picture taking. The cast is very pretty.
#cozy ask#twstposting#tia dumarais#THATS RIGHT!! THE FROG IS TWISTY WONDERLAND ITSELF.#if ur wondering why i keep saying non defonitive words like ‘i think’ its because#i also wanna just learn about her this goes along#i speculate on my own kiddos like lol
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just read the tags on your last ask and caught something interesting 😭
how does your therapist feel about your fanfics only if you are comfortable sharing that or you can ignore this ask!
Asking cause I used to write fanfics when I was like 15-19 years and I’m not that old (I’m 23 now😭🔫) yet but yeah have lost touch with my that side and considered telling my therapist about this..
anyway thank you and I love your fics!!
tw: anxiety & depression
she hasn’t read them or anything LOL but we jus talked abt how i use writing fanfics to help me process what i’m going thru as well as mapping out different perspectives… we’ve never discussed it in detail but she thinks it’s a healthy hobby for me. to be fair, she knows i’m delusional and aspire to marry yoongi so ��
anyways..
because of the relationships i’ve grown up around,, i struggled a lot with communicating and dependency. also think that because of my anxiety and depression,, i’ve always found art in different mediums to be a great way to express and cope with the trauma or triggers i have. writing, as cliché as it sounds, has always been the greatest form of escape for me. it’s ironic cos as much as i use it to escape, i’ve also never been more found when i write 😍🤞🏽
also,, i’ve been writing fanfics for a while (but i only got decent at it now) since i was 12 actually…
on quotev,,, harry styles ofc…
then on wattpad for 5sos… i wrote a fanfic called 50 reasons why i won’t go out with you and my username was like cth-bluez or smt LOL
i stopped writing from 2016-2021 and then picked it up again when i got into bts and it was covid times! (my writing was HORRIBLE btw…) so its been 4ish years back in it and it’s been……. funny
we’re the same age btw! so we’ve lived the same amount of years and therefore i don’t have much to say about it.. except for the fact that i understand and see you. regardless if it’s burnout or not having enough time; writing is hard. getting back into it is hard !!! so to me,, to even think about writing again,,, is enough and i can’t wait for whatever stories you have to share with the world 🌟
not to be all sentimental but HAHAA i think my writing speaks for itself in terms of passion and growth. i’ve stressed abt updates, i’ve hated my own characters, i’ve had sleepless nights for writing concepts that got like 13 notes … i’ve had seasons of silence where it felt like i was jus writing to an empty crowd (which i truly was),,, but things change and before you know it you have strangers asking you about your writing journey 😹 don’t get me wrong,, there are definitely things that i’ve posted and absolutely hate atm,, and there are things that i think are my pride and joy… but that’s jus what it is. writing and its complexity of being everything and nothing to you all at once 🫶🏻
i think you should tell your therapist abt it! sometimes it’s nice to speak about the things we love(d) and lost in the past. you never know.. maybe it’s time to begin again :) yk what they sayyyyyyy
do it scared, do it tired, do it broke, do it alone, do it unsure, but do it anyway and then do it again
#ask muni#💌: anon#🌷: kimi update#🤍: fave ask#but also if u dont wanna write no need to write ya feel#they say write abt smt u hate or love#but never write abt anything in between#love ya#hope to read ur work soon :p
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The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (Part I)
Summary: Six months after Steve had the super-soldier serum removed and he retired from superhero work to live a quiet life with (Y/N) and their infant daughter, Sam decides to give up the shield and (Y/N) finds herself caught between her best friend and her husband’s less-than-pleased best friend.
Pairing: Steve Rogers X Reader
Word Count: 4.2k
Warnings/Disclaimers: None
A/N: Hi there and welcome to the 5-part series centering around TFATWS! This is one of my favorite MCU shows and when I first watched it, I knew that I wanted to write about what (Y/N) and Steve were up to during that time and I wanted to delve further into Sam and (Y/N)’s friendship. Thank you for reading, and I hope you all enjoy!
The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (Part I) April 2024 Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum, Washington D.C. (Previous One-Shot)
“You okay, (Y/L/N)? You look like you’re gonna be sick.”
“Well, you know that feeling you get when you visit your old high school after you’ve graduated and you realize that everything’s changed? That’s sort of how I feel right now, and it’s a shockingly strange and unpleasant feeling.”
Beside (Y/N), Rhodey chuckled but allowed her to wrap her hand around his crooked arm as they strode through the Air and Space Museum’s hangar towards the large platform at its end. “I see what you mean. A lot of change happened for you right here in D.C., and I know that not all those memories are much fun to re-live…truth be told, I’m a little surprised that you accepted the Smithsonian’s invitation at all.”
“I wanted to be here for Sam,” She shrugged and looked up at the banner emblazoned with the image of her husband’s face. “Because God knows that today won’t be easy for him.”
Rhodes nodded and after giving their surroundings a quick assessment, he looked back at her and lowered his voice. “Did you know he was gonna give up the shield?”
Pursing her lips, (Y/N) twisted her wedding ring around her finger and carefully considered her words before replying, “He called us last week and while he didn’t explicitly say what he’d be doing, we both suspected that he was giving up the shield. Steve understood, of course, I’m just not sure that he really understood, if you know what I mean; he’s always been very progressive and forward-thinking for his age and it’s one of the many, many things I love about him, but sometimes he can be a little naïve to how the modern world really operates.” Her eyes flicked over to the covered display case beside the empty podium and her brow furrowed at the sight. “Something about all this doesn’t feel right, Rhodey.”
“Good, you feel it too,” The colonel straightened one of the many ribbons fastened onto the left breast of his dress uniform and snorted. “I’d be surprised if that shield makes it a full week before someone decides to pull it out for a new Captain America. That being said, I can’t exactly fault the guy for making this call; I’m one of the highest-decorated men in the Air Force, but that still doesn’t stop me from experiencing that pain-in-the-ass imposter syndrome from time to time.” By then, the hangar began to fill with more attendees, journalists and photographers, so Rhodes thoughtfully angled them both so that she was partially hidden from their prying eyes. “So, is that husband of yours having lots of fun on the moon?”
(Y/N) laughed. “He liked that conspiracy theory when he first heard it but now that it’s caught on with more mainstream media outlets, he really can’t get enough of it. Once a space nerd, always a space nerd, I suppose.”
“Steve’s doing good, though, right? He’s not having any difficulty adjusting to civilian life?”
“I initially thought he might, but no.” Reaching into her clutch, she withdrew her cell phone and began scrolling through her photos while she talked. “He hasn’t had a single second thought about giving up the serum and retiring from superhero life; he’s gotten back into his art – mostly charcoal and pencil drawings, but he’s been dabbling a little in watercolor painting – and he’s really enjoying all the time he has with Carina now.”
Rhodes smiled as she showed him a photograph of her de-serumed husband, her daughter and their senior German Shepard playing in the backyard of their quaint New England home; seven-month old Carina was seated on Steve’s narrow shoulders and her tiny hands gripped onto his blonde locks while he held her chubby legs, his laughing face scrunched up as Indy licked his cheek. “Well, tell him I’m happy for him. If anyone deserves a quiet life, it’s him.”
A cacophony of shutter clicks drew their attention to the side entrance and they watched as Senator Smith entered the hangar alongside several government officials, military personnel and Sam, carefully holding the vibranium shield in his arms and averting his gaze away from the wall of photographers elbowing one another to capture his image. While Sam ascended the platform’s steps, the older senator moved to join them and shook Rhodes’ hand. “It’s good to see you again, Colonel.” He reached for (Y/N)’s hand and gave it a noticeably-gentler shake along with a sympathetic smile. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for your loss, Mrs. (Y/L/N). If there’s anything I can do for you, please don’t hesitate to call my office and ask.”
(Y/N) forced herself to return his smile and to not wipe her hand on the skirt of her dress as she replied, “Thank you, Senator, but I’m just happy to be here supporting Sam and the Smithsonian’s refurbished exhibit.”
Much to her discomfort, the senator led them both towards the front of the crowd and her jaw clenched as the journalists and photographers started to take notice of her presence; the flashes of their cameras and their hushed speculating brought back memories of the time she spent trapped under a restricting studio contract and the dark days following the tragedy in Lagos, but she fought back the unpleasant feelings by focusing on her best friend as he leaned the shield against the podium’s base and adjusted the microphone before beginning his speech.
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here with us today to celebrate the grand re-opening of the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum’s permanent Captain America exhibit. Steve represented the best in all of us. Courageous, righteous, hopeful…and he mastered posing stoically.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes as everyone who’d never once met Steve Rogers chuckled good-humoredly and Rhodes smirked at her reaction. “The world has been forever changed. A few months ago, billions of people reappeared after five years away, sending the world into turmoil. We need new heroes, ones suited for the times we’re in. Symbols are nothing without the women and men that give them meaning, and this thing…” The hangar echoed with shutter clicks as Sam picked up the red, white and blue shield and stared down at it. “I don’t know if there’s ever been a greater symbol. But it’s more about the man who propped it up, and he’s gone.” The photographers began turning their cameras towards (Y/N) and Rhodes to capture their reactions, but they merely continued to diligently stare ahead and refused to look away from Sam. “So today, we honor Steve’s legacy but also, we look to the future. Thank you, Captain America, but this belongs to you.”
Applause filled the hangar as Sam handed the shield over to a Smithsonian worker wearing white cotton gloves, and (Y/N) swallowed the unexpected lump in her throat as the shield her husband carried into countless battles and the shield she believed her best friend was meant to carry was carefully sealed in a display case. She ignored the ominous feeling in the pit of her stomach and wrapped her arms around Sam in a tight hug when he eventually made his way through the throng of journalists and photographers. “Hey there, Birdbrain.”
“Hey, Booksmart.” Sam’s arms held her close and he gave her a half-smile when he pulled away. “I’m glad you decided to come.” He bumped his fist against Rhodes’. “You too, man.”
Before the colonel could reply, Senator Smith joined their group and reached for Sam’s hand. “Thanks again for coming forward with the shield, Sam. It was the right decision.”
(Y/N) watched the senator walk away with narrowed eyes and Rhodes sighed as he nudged a solemn-looking Sam. “Take a walk?”
The three of them were admitted into the refurbished Captain America exhibit and while they walked amongst the artifacts and displays chronicling Steve’s time as the Star-Spangled-Man-With-A-Plan, they talked about their families and what it was like readjusting to normal life after the Battle of Earth and their defeat of Thanos.
“Yeah, I’ve been at home with my sister and my nephews; man, when I left, they were babies and when I come back, they’re little men.” (Y/N) smiled as Sam talked about AJ and Cass; she’d gotten close to Sarah and the Wilson boys during the Snap and paid them several visits throughout the five-year ordeal, knowing that Sam wouldn’t hesitate to do the same for her if their roles were reversed. “It’s crazy, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Well, you should bring ‘em out to D.C. sometime, I’ll teach ‘em how to fly…you know, I mean, the right way.”
Sam scoffed and Rhodes chuckled as (Y/N) led them into the next room, squaring her shoulders as she prepared to broach the topic that they’d all been conscientiously avoiding. “Crazy to think that nobody’s going to be carrying the shield…”
“Hey, we went for seventy years without anybody carrying it when Steve was on ice, so I think we’ll be all right.”
Rhodes gave him a pointed look. “That was a different time, Sam.” They walked past Steve’s old motorcycle and artifacts belonging to the Howling Commandos in heavy silence, and it wasn’t until they entered the next room that the colonel spoke up. “So, you’re gonna make me ask?” They stopped by a display entitled ‘A Final Mission’ and he gestured towards Steve’s photograph. “Why didn’t you take up the mantle?”
Sighing, Sam tucked his hands into his pockets and looked down at his dress shoes. “When Steve first told me about the shield, the first words I said were ‘it feels like it belongs to someone else.’ That someone else is Steve.”
(Y/N) exchanged a knowing look with Rhodes and they followed Sam into a space filled with screens projecting World War II propaganda posters of Captain America intermixed with old photographs from his time in the field. She knew better than to try and argue with Sam about his decision – it was his decision, after all – but there was a spark of hope igniting within her that perhaps Rhodes could talk some sense into him. “The world’s a crazy place right now. People are…well, nobody’s stable. Allies are now enemies, alliances are all torn apart…the world’s broken. Everybody’s just looking for somebody to fix it.” Sam hummed thoughtfully as they walked into the last room, which displayed a mannequin dressed in Steve’s World War II tactical uniform and the glass case containing the shield; just as it had that fateful day she’d run into Steve visiting his own exhibit, seeing his possessions on display for the world to see felt wrong to her and she had to force herself not to reach out and touch the uniform that protected her husband from harm throughout one of the most devastating wars in their country’s history. “It’s a new day, brother.” He patted Sam’s arm and smiled. “I’ll be in touch.”
“Stay safe out there, Rhodey.” (Y/N) gave the colonel a hug and watched him walk through of the exhibit’s exit. “You know, he’s really started growing on me. He’s still annoying as hell, of course, but he’s slowly but surely becoming tolerable.”
Her best friend smiled humorlessly and nodded towards the shield. “So, now it’s your turn to try and guilt-trip me about giving up the shield?”
“If I wanted to do that, then I would’ve done it last week when you called to tell us what you were planning on doing.” With one last look at the shield, (Y/N) turned her back to it and took hold of one of Sam’s hands. “You are your own person, Sam Wilson. No one can tell you what to feel or how to think, and they sure as hell can’t tell you what to do. If there’s anything you need, anything at all, then Steve and I will be there for you no matter what. You read me, Birdbrain?”
Sam’s features relaxed as he squeezed her hand and gave her a firm nod. “Loud and clear, Booksmart.” They continued to hold hands as they walked out of the exhibit and through the lobby of the Air and Space Museum. “You heading back up to Maine today?”
“Yep. I’ve got a few hours to kill before my flight out of La Guardia, so I’m going to stop by our house in Brooklyn to make sure everything’s okay.”
“Well, if you happen to run into that Bionic Man with the staring problem while you’re there, tell him he needs to step into the twenty-first century and learn how to answer calls and texts.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As much as (Y/N) loved the peaceful life they’d been living in Maine, she couldn’t deny that she’d missed the unique atmosphere of Brooklyn. She checked on their house and after locking up, she drove her rental car the short distance from Windsor Terrace to Red Hook and walked through the neighborhood with a smile on her face; she stopped by a small coffee shop and carried her drink tray into the nearby apartment building, keeping her head down as she made her way up to the third floor on the off-chance she’d be recognized and tapping the toe of her Converse sneaker against the furthest door down the hall.
“Who is it?”
(Y/N) smiled to herself as she replied, “The doll who just carried hot chocolate and muffins up three flights of stairs for your geriatric ass.”
The door opened a moment later to reveal Bucky, a curious and almost hesitant expression on his face as his blue eyes scanned the hallway before settling on her. “A little far from home, aren’t you?”
“Well, I was in the neighborhood and I thought I’d drop by to visit a good friend.” She lifted the drink tray and paper bag and continued in a comically-enticing voice, “I even brought some hot chocolate and chocolate-chip muffins for him…”
Bucky’s lips curved into a reluctant smile as he stepped aside and let her enter his apartment. “Did Romanoff teach you how to identify people’s weaknesses like that, or is it just a God-given talent?”
“Mostly God-given, but I may have picked up a few pointers from her; she also taught me how to throw knives.” (Y/N) set the food and drinks down on the kitchen counter and hummed along to the record spinning on his turntable. “Duke Ellington. He’s right up there with Benny Goodman and Glenn Miller for me, and he’s definitely the best jazz pianist to come out of the 40’s.”
The super-soldier made an impressed noise. “I’m glad that someone else around here has the same appreciation for good music; although, your appreciation might have a little something to do with the fact that you married a geriatric ass.” He grinned as she laughed at his teasing and started pulling their muffins out of the bag. “So, what brings you back to Brooklyn?”
“I attended the Captain America exhibit re-opening in D.C. this morning and since my flight back to Maine isn’t for a couple more hours, I decided to check on our house in Windsor Terrace and stop by to see how you’re doing.” Bucky took a sip of his hot chocolate and scowled while he peeled the wrapper off the muffin, his displeasure practically rolling off of him; he was more than annoyed when she’d called the week before to tell him what Sam decided to do with the shield, and it seemed as though his attitude hadn’t improved much since. “It’s a shame you decided not to go; I would’ve gotten a real kick out of watching the museum guides try and stop you from breaking into display cases and taking your old stuff back.”
The super-soldier didn’t acknowledge her attempt to lighten the mood as he picked his muffin apart with his vibranium hand. “So, what does Steve think of all this? About Sam just throwing away the shield?”
(Y/N) sat down on the chair beside the kitchen counter and nibbled on her own muffin before answering, “He was a little surprised but he trusts Sam to make his own decisions, the same as I do.” Bucky let out a snort of derision and she pursed her lips to keep her annoyance in check. “Why the sudden care in what Steve thinks, anyhow? You’ve barely spoken to him in the past six months and when you have, it’s never been for any longer than a few minutes. He doesn’t say anything out loud because he’s too proud, but he feels like you’re purposefully pushing him away.”
“I…my therapist said that I need to figure things out on my own right now…”
“Bullshit. I’m in therapy too, Bucky, and I’ve learned that nurturing friendships is an important component to healing from trauma; friendships provide support, and there’s no such thing as too much support.” Her heart clenched as he stubbornly stared down at the kitchen counter; moving as slowly as she could, she lifted one of her hands and gently rested it atop his flesh one, taking it as a good sign that he didn’t flinch away from her touch. “Your life hasn’t been easy and it sure as hell won’t get easier any time soon, but you’re not alone anymore. The fact that you let me into your apartment is insurmountable proof that you’re at least trying, and all I’m asking is that you keep on trying.” After a long moment, Bucky nodded and (Y/N) gave his hand a gentle squeeze before pulling away. “Carina loves that stuffed wolf you sent her.”
A smile slowly tugged at the corner of the super-soldier’s lips as he glanced up at her. “She does?”
“Mm-hmm, she never puts it down.” (Y/N) pulled out her cell phone and scrolled through her photos until she found the photograph she’d been searching for; Carina was fast asleep in her crib and her little fist was wrapped around the fluffy tail of a stuffed white wolf. “You should’ve seen the meltdown she had when we took it away to be washed; I’d never cussed out a washing machine or a dryer for taking too long quite like that before.”
Bucky took another sip of his drink and shrugged. “Well, stubbornness does run on both sides of the family.”
(Y/N) glared in mock-outrage while the super-soldier snickered and devoured the rest of his muffin; she took the opportunity to glance around the rest of his apartment, noting the lack of furniture and the makeshift bed on the floor in front of the television. “So, what do you get up to outside of your court-mandated therapy?”
“I’ve, um…I’ve got a friend. His name’s Yori and we get sushi for lunch on Wednesdays. I also…well, I sorta had a date last night; it didn’t go very well, but considering it’s been about eighty years since the last one…?” He sighed and rubbed a weary hand over his eyes before continuing. “I really am trying, doll, it’s just…the only calm I’ve known in the past century was in Wakanda, and it’s hard not to think that it might’ve been some sort of cosmic fluke. Now that I’m free to do whatever I want with my own life, I don’t even know where to begin.”
Although she could sense that there was something else he was holding back from her, (Y/N) nodded and gave him an encouraging smile. “It seems to me like you’re getting off to a good start. You know, if you’re not comfortable talking to Steve or Yori or anyone else about all this, then maybe you should consider talking to Sam?” Predictably, Bucky grumbled under his breath at the mention of Sam’s name and she rolled her eyes in exasperation. “I really don’t get why you two don’t get along. Sam’s a great friend and while he might not say it out loud, I know that he’s worried about you. At least promise that you’ll think about it?”
“…I suppose, but only ‘cause you asked so nicely.” The super-soldier shook his head and arched a brow at her. “Seriously, how the hell does that punk win any arguments with you when he’s got those (Y/E/C) eyes staring back at him?”
(Y/N) shrugged and gave him an innocent smile. “Must be my own special superpower.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I’m starting to feel like this was all just an elaborate excuse to see me dolled up…”
Across the room, Steve’s azure eyes remained trained on his canvas but crinkled as he attempted to hide his smile. “Hey, I can’t help the ideas that pop into my head whenever you’re around, sunshine. I’m an artist, remember?”
“Mm-hmm, but you might want to work on your professionalism, because I’m pretty sure that artists aren’t supposed to ogle their models while they work,” (Y/N) playfully teased, making sure to keep as still as possible and not change the pose Steve had placed her in nearly three hours before; what she wore wasn’t exactly risqué – a black turtleneck sweater, an auburn high-waisted skirt, opaque black tights and heeled ebony ankle boots – but the outfit paired with her styled hair, expertly-applied makeup and the slightly provocative way she was seated on her office’s desk seemed to be enough to rile her husband up. His attraction to her was rivaled only by his commitment to his art, but it was only a matter of time before one gave way to the other. “If we don’t have anything scheduled for this weekend, I was thinking that we could take a drive down to Essex and hit up the antique shops, maybe grab some lobster rolls for lunch?”
“Sounds good to me…” With a final flourish of his paintbrush, Steve leaned away from the canvas to examine his work and gave it an approving nod. “Okay, I’ve gotten about as much done as I can with this lighting, so I’ll have to work on the details some more tomorrow morning.” He set his brush and palette down before crossing the room and helping her sit straight as her muscles ached in protest. “Thank you again for posing for me, baby. Is there anything I could do to repay the favor?”
(Y/N) pretended to think his offer over before giving him a mischievous grin. “There might be one or two things you could do, but I would be remiss to ask them of such a professional artist as you, sweetheart.”
“Screw professionalism.”
She laughed as Steve’s hands cupped her face and his lips captured hers in a heated kiss that she was quick to return; her arms moved to loop around his neck and as she pulled him closer, one of his hands traveled down to rest on the curve of her waist. He moaned when her lips trailed kisses along his jaw and down his neck but just as his fingers began to fiddle with her skirt’s zipper, a loud wail emanated from the baby monitor on the desk. “Poor baby, that new tooth must really be bothering her…” (Y/N) sighed in sympathy and gave Steve a chaste kiss on the lips before hopping down from the desk. “I’ll go grab the teething ring from the freezer.”
“Okay, I’ll go get her.” Steve snatched up the baby monitor and followed her out of her office, stopping at Carina’s nursery and crooning as he entered, “It’s okay, angel, I’m here now…”
After retrieving the teething ring from the freezer, (Y/N) kissed Carina’s tears away and gave her the plastic device to gum, heading into the living room to put an episode of Kitchen Nightmares on; for some strange reason, Gordon Ramsay and his infamous yelling was the only thing that seemed to help calm the seven-month old down. She switched the television on but just as she prepared to change the channel, she realized that Senator Smith was in the middle of giving a press conference on WHiH and a cold chill went down her spine as she listened to his speech.
“Unrest in the wake of recent events has left us vulnerable. Every day, Americans feel it. While we love heroes who put their lives on the line to defend Earth, we also need a hero to defend this country. We need a real person who embodies America’s greatest values. We need someone to inspire us again, someone who can be a symbol for all of us.”
“That son of a bitch,” (Y/N) breathed, eyes wide in disbelief as she watched the scene unfolding on the television screen before her. “Rhodey was right…”
“(Y/N)? Sunshine, what’s wro-?”
“So, on behalf of the Department of Defense and our Commander-in-Chief, it is with great honor that we announce here today that the United States of America has a new hero. Join me in welcoming your new Captain America!”
Covering her open mouth with her hand, a horrified (Y/N) watched as Senator Smith stepped away from the podium and a Caucasian man dressed in a red, white and blue uniform walked out onto the building’s steps. He waved at the crowd of journalists and photographers eager to document the breaking news, and strapped to his left arm was the vibranium shield that Sam had given up. (Y/N) looked over to see Steve standing in the doorway with Carina and her stuffed white wolf in his arms, a mixture of shock, anger and betrayal in his azure eyes as he watched the new Captain America smile and wave for the cameras.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: I had so much fun working (Y/N) and Steve into this series, and I can’t wait for you guys to read what’s coming next! Updates might be a bit more sporadic than usual but I’m hoping for a chapter every two weeks (still haven’t decided which works best with my schedule and mental health), so make sure to stay tuned for more!
Thank you all so much for reading and commenting! I’ve created a Spotify playlist inspired by this series, and I’ll be updating it every time I upload a new chapter. Enjoy!
Spotify Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ziGMhEsAw833GQ9eV44nR?si=6dfead09c76848d5
The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (Part II)
Stumblin’ In Book VII: “Superhero Snapshots” Masterlist
Stumblin’ In Book I: “The Winter Soldier” Masterlist
Tagging: @mrs-obrien @lahoete @awkward117 @cminr @natdrunk @momc95 @savedbystyle @miraculouscloud @awkwardnesshabitat @marinettepotterandplagg @mangosandmimosas @supersouthy @benakenalove @brooke0297 @hufflepeople @becausewelie @outoftheregular @junipermurdock @ladydmalfoy @mads-weasley @username23345 @crist1216 @capswife @lilmschild @avngrsinitiative @crowleysqueenofhell @y-napotat @mary1raven @groovy-lady @ljej95 @innersublimefury @prettysbliss
#stumblin' in#steve rogers x reader#post serum steve rogers x reader#steve rogers#post serum steve rogers#sam wilson#falcon#bucky barnes#the winter soldier#james rhodes#war machine#john walker#captain america#the falcon and the winter soldier#captain america and the winter soldier#marvel cinematic universe
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A master list of Kylux fanfics
Here is a list compiled straight from my bookmarks on ao3 of all fanfics that include kylo ren, hux, and a little bit of Kylo x Ren as well. This list also has redemption fics that focus more on Han and Ben having healing time
(I’ve tried to say what each one is kind of about and the completion status)
Fluff
All The Way To Your Door (Kylux, Modern AU, Friends to Lovers, Complete)
“Six months ago, Armitage Hux fabricated a fiancé, never expecting to have to drag him to a funeral in Georgia, pretending to be something they weren't. The problem was, Ben Solo was everything Hux had ever wanted.
Ben Solo had hidden his love for his roommate for years, thinking that someone as perfect as Hux would never want a broken soldier like him. But he was wrong.
Sometimes you have to tell a lie to find the truth.“
How To Be Human: A Guide For Sentient Beings (Kylux, Complete)
“ Kylo Ren has spent at least half his life training to be a perfect weapon of the Dark Side. It hasn’t left a lot of time for developing social skills. Only once he’s aboard the Finalizer, forced to work with the First Order, and General Hux, does Kylo begin to see the importance of his social interactions. Fortunately, the Finalizer’s data library has a collection of self-help manuals on file. Kylo Ren is a quick learner, and General Hux makes for the perfect case study. [illustration for chapter 6 provided by kylostahp] “
I Know You’re Out There (Kylux, Complete)
“Nine-year-old Ben Organa-Solo and fourteen-year-old Armitage Hux begin writing letters to each other as part of a correspondence program between the children of the New Republic and the remains of the Empire. It starts with introductions and a list of their favorite things, then later Hux unknowingly encourages Ben to step onto the path that will make him one of the commanders of the First Order, and ends with Hux ending it before he could realize who Ben has become.
Even so many years later, Kylo still thinks about it sometimes.“
Allemande (Kylux, Complete)
“ Hux has come to the United States to study concert piano under one of the top instructors in the country, leaving his friends and native England behind. In his new school, he encounters Ben Solo, who lost his hearing as a child. For Hux, living without music seems unbearable, but Ben shows him that there’s goodness, too, in silence. “
Dr.Sexy (WORKING TITE) (Kylux, Complete)
“There's a lot of things in the world Armitage would rather do than take Millicent to the vet. Change the oil in his car for example. Or perform surgery on a very much awake hyena. So he limits the visits to the absolute bare minimum. Not only because Millicent hates going, but also because he feels sorry for the poor staff who have to handle Millicent in her most feral form.
But then his luck runs out and he has to take her to the surgery. Or has it? Because as it turns out a new vet is in town and that vet is not only really good with cats but also quite handsome and charming. Neither Millicent nor Armitage ever stood a chance against Dr. Kylo Organa.“
boys on the radio (Kylux, Teenage AU, Modern, NOT Complete)
“The new kid is terrible.
Hux doesn’t even know when he started here, it’s like halfway through the semester and suddenly there is this tall glowering goth kid with safety pins through the lowest set of his ear piercings and regrettable lipstick and the world’s loudest fucking music, it’s not even in English half the time, apparently making his permanent home in the metal shop. Hux wouldn’t care if he didn’t have to go through the metal shop on his way to and from the darkroom, or if the fucking darkroom itself had any soundproofing to match the velvet blackness of its lightproof door and walls.
Several weeks into the school year, eleventh-grader Hux's relatively peaceful independent-study art elective turns into an exercise in infuriation with the advent of Kylo "It's My Name, Okay" Ren and his inability to shut the fuck up. It turns out that Ren is okay with a torch, but abysmal at pretty much everything else -- except, well. Sometimes he makes up for it with Pop-Tarts.
Now with illustrations by kromitar and raffe!“
The Destroyer (kylux, whump but only a little, Complete)
“The Hound of the Emperor has failed him. He prostrates himself before his ruler and awaits his punishment. Will it be imprisonment? Torture? Death?Kylo Ren welcomes it all in the face of his failure. But Emperor Hux has something very different in mind.“
Scherzo (kylux, teenage AU, complete)
“Five years ago, Armitage Hux met a boy named Ben Solo at Endor Cross High School. Ben changed Hux’s life irrevocably, teaching him a whole new way of communicating and loving him deeply. Now, Hux is preparing for his final recital at Juilliard and the nerves are getting to him. He and Ben have grown together, though not without a relationship’s up and downs. As a phase of their life ends and they begin anew, their commitment resolidifies.
A follow-up vignette to Allemande.”
Curve (Kylux, complete)
“An aftercare scene."Hux is always amazed at how much Kylo can take.And how much Hux wants to give him."“
Home Is Where The Heart Is (kylux, teenage AU, smut is involved, complete)
“ Ben joins a rather unexpected family when he moves into his new foster home with Han and Leia Solo. “
Butt Actually I Love You (Kylux, Modern AU, complete)
“ When Ben ends up in the hospital for a more serious reason he realises a few things about Hux. “
Jingle Bells (Kylux, Crack, more funny than fluff, complete)
“ When Hux needs a date to annoy his father Phasma comes through with her near mythical gym buddy Kylo Ren, the perfect man for the job. “
echo in the halls (Kylux, Modern AU, complete)
“Ben is in the hospital; Hux has a strange dream at his bedside.
For Kylux Positivity Week 2.0, Day 8: Favorite Trope“
What We’re Made Of (kylux, complete)
“On the morning of your 5th birthday, you'll wake up with a new toy beside you, one that is made in the image of your destined soulmate. Young Ben has a little wooden General with orange hair and a woolly greatcoat that matches his little cap, whilst young Armitage has a soft plush of a Jedi, one with soft dark hair and two brown buttons for eyes.The two boys are happy with their new toys. Their families, however, are not. It shapes them.
(a Kylux Mini Bang project with amazing art created by @5ovspades)“
Home Remedy (kylux, Modern AU)
“ Ben learns Hux is sick, Hux learns to let his boyfriend help him, Rey learns a bit more about Techie, and Techie learns what home feels like. “
The Meaning Of Courage (ben solo and Han solo good parenting, complete)
“ In a universe where Snoke is driven out of Ben's mind during Ben's childhood, the trauma of the experience lands him in the hospital, where he gains insight from a friendly nurse. “
Never Tell Me the Odds (kylux, father son healing, complete)
“He might have given his son brain damage, but at least he was bringing him home to Leia.
Kylux Avent 2020: Day 13: The Past“
First Snow Fall (kylux, happiness, complete)
“ The Emperor watches the snow fall and muses on the differences between then on Starkiller Base and now in the capital. “
A Parsec in His Jackboots (kylux, complete)
“ When Hux is injured in a skirmish and rendered unable to speak, Kylo has to take over command of the Finalizer. He thought that Hux was good for little, but he discovers that the ship wouldn’t run without him. For two weeks, Kylo is the sole commander and realizes that maybe there’s more to Hux than just a nice uniform. “
The Way To A Man’s Heart (kylux, complete)
“ Armitage Hux learned by experience that you don’t feed strays because then they’ll follow you home and you’ll be stuck with them forever. At least Millicent is cute… no one told him that feeding his co-commander would have a similar outcome. “
Grounding (kylux, complete)
“ Kylo Ren suffers a psychotic breakdown, and Hux helps bring him back to himself safely with a lot of patience and tenderness. “
Lilies and Lace (kylux, complete, non-binary kylo, sexy undertones)
“ A young Colonel Hux takes a stroll through the Royal Gardens of Naboo for some solitude after a long day of negotiations with politicians. His appreciation of the flowers is interrupted by another politician who is just as beautiful as the garden. “
Gifts (kylux, complete)
““I’m sure you’ll like it,” Kylo says, surprisingly taciturn. “Did you know, that in the New Republic, today is a holiday?”
“Is that right?” Hux asks, willing to indulge him. Kylo truly brings out the more indulgent side of him, in more ways than one.
“Yes. It’s for lovers,” Kylo explains. “They exchange gifts and promises with one another.”
It sounds exactly like something they would celebrate in the New Republic. Once, he would have detested it, but now he can see the appeal. Not that he would ever admit as much out loud.
After a moment, Kylo continues, gesturing to the bag next to him. “So, I got you a gift.”-In other words, a Valentines Day canon-verse fic about our two favourite evil space husbands.“
The Storm Is Passing (kylux, complete)
“ A very brief glimpse about 6 months on into the "relationship" of Governer Armitage Hux of Arkanis and his one pleasure slave, Ren. “
Father of Mine (kylux, complete, teenage AU)
“All Han ever wanted to do was to come home from work, store away his worn-out boots in their reserved cubby hole Leia demanded he put them away in before busying himself with whatever minuscule tasks his precious but demanding wife had for him. He did not want to deal with Brendol Hux.
He should've known things wouldn't go according to plan.“
Against All Odds (kylux, complete)
“Welcome to Solo & Solo Smuggling Enterprises featuring a reluctant Hux.
Kylux Advent 2020: Day 17: New Beginnings“
Don’t Go (kylux, agnsty ish)
“Kiss #3: Goodbye.
Saying goodbye is never easy.“
Predator and prey (kylux, complete)
““You broke into the palace. You got into my chamber. You have me at gunpoint. What now, Armitage?”
Day 2: Canon Divergence“
Smut
Against the World (Teenager AU, Complete, Kylux, Bottom Kylo)
“"His association – for lack of a better word – with Hux had started when the ginger nerd found him crying in the bathroom one day, during class hours, and had just watched him making a mess of himself without saying anything."
- Or how the two most despised boys in school develop a deep friendship over their hatred of humanity and planning petty revenge against their bullies.”
Kylo / Male / Human (Naboo) (Kylux, Bottom Kylo, Complete)
“Kylo is a mail-order groom, trained to be very submissive and do whatever he’s told. He has been groomed to offer himself sexually to anyone that appear displeased with him. Hux knows it’s wrong but takes full advantage of this.Inspired by a Kylux Hard Kinks prompt that went something like the above. Link lost to time.Please heed all warnings.“
Knot Finished (Hux Ain’t Human really, Kylux, Bottom Kylo, Complete)
“ Kylo learns a bit more about Arkanis physiology through practical demonstrations. “
Knot Fully Human (Bottom Kylo, Kylux, Hux has an alien dick, Complete)
“Broke: "Hux is a xenophobe"
Woke: "With a fully Arkanis mother, Hux is a half-human hybrid and his xenophobia is a deeply ingrained self-hatred that comes from his abusive father"
Bespoke: "See above, AND Hux has an alien dick"
And Kylo Ren had no idea going in.“
Five Times General Hux Said I Love You and the One Time Kylo Ren Did (Kylux, NOT Complete)
“ General Hux is a cold hearted bastard but despite his best efforts he can't help falling in love with the Force user. “
His Royal Highness (Kylux, Complete, Bottom Kylo)
“Day 1 Prompt #2 - Kylo Amidala
Kylo Amidala needs help from Supreme Leader Armitage Hux.“
With Love In His Heart (Kylux, Bottom Kylo, Rough BLow Job, Vomit warning, complete)
“Hux fucks Kylo's throat until Kylo throws up. Hux doesn't stop. Kylo lets him keep going.(An anonymous serenade to Kylux, the trashiest ship there ever was.)“
Drifitng Haze (Kylux, Bottom Kylo, Complete)
“Heat curls low in Hux's belly, deepening when he turns his head to see Kylo peering up at him from beneath his lashes, eyes warm and unguarded. Sleep softens Kylo, makes him more open and vulnerable in a way that he never allows once he's up and about. It's a secret only the morning hours and Hux are privy to, a fact that causes something possessive to flare inside him. Only he can see this. Only he can have Kylo like this.
Written for this kinkmeme prompt: "Hux loves fucking Kylo when he's sleepy because he's so pliant and submissive when he can hardly keep his eyes open."“
Measures (Kylux, Modern AU, Bottom Kylo, Complete)
““Snoke lets his grad assistants conduct rehearsals?” Kylo arches an eyebrow.“Has to. It’s a departmental thing.” Finn shrugs. When the grad student taps the baton on the edge of the stand, Finn rolls his eyes and hisses, “This guy’s a real asshole, though.”Kylo’s gaze falls back onto the redhead. He’s tall, probably only an inch or two shorter than Kylo, with a tight mouth and posture so rigid that it makes Kylo snort. Finn goes pin-stiff on his stool as the assistant’s eyes zero in on the bass section.
Kink and Classical Music AU for the Kylux Big Bang 2016, illustrated by http://milkcraving.tumblr.com :3″
All My Sense Are On Fire (Kylux, Bottom Kylo, Complete)
“ Classic Kylux! Kylo and Hux hate each other but they can't be apart. Kylo Ren is a virgin (but not by the end!). “
The Flore And The Crow (Kylux, Complete, Non-explicit smut)
“ General Armitage Hux is invited to a Naboo party with the promise of a private audience with Kylo Amidala. Instead, he’s pulled away by an intriguing young man named Ben. Ben is clever and almost as sharp as Hux, but where’s the prince? “
Acquiesces To Disorder (Kylux, Bottom Kylo, Hogwarts AU, Professor/Student relationship, complete)
“ Ben knew his seventh year a Hogwarts wasn't going to be a walk in the park, but his stupid crush on his Potions Professor really doesn't have the right to make it all the worse. He tries to keep his head down, and avoid comparisons to his mother, the Minister for Magic, and his father, the renowned criminal. All he wants is to hang out with his best friend Poe, learn about cool creatures, pass his classes, try not to make an idiot of himself in front of Professor Hux and get through the year. Life has other plans. “
Princess (Kylux, Complete)
“ Hux smokes, Ren chokes. “
Wax On,Wax Off (Kylux, Complete)
“The second strip is no better and if he’s not mistaken there's a smug little smile on Hux’s face while he uses one of the wooden sticks to scoop up more of the green wax. He never should have agreed to this. Surprisingly enough it gets worse the closer Hux gets to his junk, anticipation rising in his gut when the warm wax goes up the side of his cock. This time he can’t keep the little whimper to himself, ears turning red when his cock gives an interested twitch at the treatment.
Oh no.“
Paul Sevier/Monty Schafer (Kylux Adjacent, Series of Oneshots)
Breath In, Enjoy The Ride (Kylo Ren x Knight of Ren, Orgy, Complete)
“ Exhausted Supreme Leader Kylo Ren returns to his quarters. His knights comfort him. “
Take On The Storm (Kylo Ren x Knights Of Ren, Omega Kylo Ren, complete)
“After Luke tries to kill him, Ben Solo flees the temple with six other padawans. When Ben panics and loses control of his powers during a disastrous first heat, his fellow padawans have to find a way to help him quickly, before he and they are torn apart.
I can't find the original prompt, but I'm pretty sure it came from something written by @solohux on tumblr.“
Put In Work (Kylo Ren x Knights Of Ren, Complete)
“Kylo ends up in a stringy situation with the Knights of Ren. Who knew what kind of work they had in mind when they let him join?“
Awareness Spectrum Narcotic (Kylux, Bottom kylo, Complete, Night Club setting)
“ “That’s it,” Hux cooed, rolling his hips up until Kylo was sitting flush, his dress a puddle at his waist as Hux’s hands slipped back around his body. “You’re the whore, darling—you know what to do.” “
Unskilled & Unaware (kylux, Complete)
“ The new Supreme Leader tries therapy. “
Know Your Shadow (Kylo Ren x Ren, Complete, bottom kylo)
“ After Ren allows him to travel with them, Ben follows the Knights of Ren back to their ship. While they travel, a conversation about what it really means to be a Knight of Ren leads to something much more. “
Public Indecency (Kylo Ren x Ren, Complete, bottom kylo)
“ Having just been deflowered by Ren, Ben follows the Knights of Ren to a cantina, where he intends to learn about his second new indulgence: drinking. When they get there, Ren puts Ben in his lap, an embarrassing but seemingly innocuous decision until Ben learns just how Ren intends to amuse himself while they wait for their drinks. Ben never expected he'd be doing something like this in the open at a cantina, but he can't refuse with how much of a thrill it is. “
Devour (Kylux, Omega Kylo, rape/non-con a little between kylo and snoke, Complete)
“ Kylo's heat suppressant medication gets destroyed on Starkiller Base. He goes into heat on board the Finalizer. “
Meant To Fall (kylux, NOT complete, Omega Kylo)
“ Omega Jedi Ben Solo finds himself struggling with his destiny when he meets Alpha Lieutenant Armitage Hux. “
Sheep Shit and Other Things (Kylux, Complete, bottom Kylo)
“ “Leave the kid alone, Sue. Can’t you see he’s at sea?” Ben isn’t sure if he should be grateful for the stranger diverting the woman’s attention or offended at the implication that he’s stupid. He knows damn well what she wants out of him, thank you very much, and he’s about to say just that when he sees the owner of that Irish lilt and the words die in his throat. “
Purple Kimono (Kylux, Omega Kylo, Complete)
“ Grand Marshal Hux decides to do a surprise audit on one of his ships bound for a mission after a small argument with his Omega. Kylo goes into heat shortly after Hux leaves their quarters and decides to ride out his heat alone, pleasuring himself on Hux's couch and wearing his favorite purple robe. At the last minute, Hux decides not to do the mission and comes home to discover Kylo went into heat a day early. Kylo agrees to let his Alpha help him with his heat after Hux apologizes, but that doesn't stop him from giving Hux an attitude. Sex ensues. “
Share The Load (Kylux, Complete, Alien Dick Hux, Trans FTM Kylo, bottom Kylo)
“ Hux runs into Kylo while dealing with his unique Arkanan biology- and Kylo is dealing with some self confidence issues. It's a match tailor made for the both of them. “
Taking Advantage (Kylux, Bottom Kylo, complete)
“ When Hux had gotten the brief that he’d have to extract his unfortunate counterpart from a bar on Tatooine, the last thing he’d expected to find when he got there was that Ren had somehow managed to get himself enslaved by a Hutt. “
Knot Today Satan (Kylux, Werewolf Hux, bottom Kylo)
“In hindsight, he should have made the connection when he had run into a fucking werewolf on the one day he was running about ten minutes early.
When he saw it, them, he’d been frozen to the spot. The huge creature had been lurking at the edge of the woods across the road, tall, gangly, and partially covered in rusty fur.
One part of him, the rational part, is screaming at him to run and save his own ass before the fucking cryptid across the road decides to have him for breakfast. Another part of him, the part that may or may not be a furry, is telling him to bare his ass and run over. And one more little part, a very confused and questionably sane part, is reciting a lesson on basic magnetism he had in high school. But before he can make a choice the werewolf blinks their reflective eyes at him once and vanishes back into the trees.What the fuck just happened?
Or: The one where Kylo gets railed by a werewolf in the woods.“
Cops And Robbers (Kylux, Bottom kylo, complete)
“ Ben likes his job, is proud of it, proud of carrying an FBI badge in his pocket and the cases he’s had a hand in solving. He’s good at his job. Or, he was until a string of robberies spanning the US landed in his lap, everything from elaborate jewelry heists to residential burglaries all tied back to one person. One person so elusive and infuriatingly untraceable that Ben might just be stuck on this case until one of them dies. “
Make A Mess Of You (Kylux, Bottom kylo, complete)
“Hux gets Ren a new toy. It's familiar in a surprising way.
(For KMNU's Horn-a-thon. Prompt was "Rubber")“
Wookie Wash (Kylux, bottom kylo, complete)
“There had been posters, propaganda on the minuscule level. Nobody had been bold enough to do anything directly, but Hux could tell the decision had not been taken well by his men. That was when he had prompted the head of morale on base to do something about the insurrection, and she had told him she would fix it. Hoping he had finally washed his hands of the matter, Hux had gone back about his day as normal. That had been three days ago, before all the racket.The issue with the campaign was that the model who had been shown in the ad was... Incredibly attractive, to say the least, and apparently the morale officer said that that man was none other than Kylo Ren. Now, nobody had ever seen his face before, but everyone always assumed he was ugly. Hux loathed drama and gossip of all kinds, it distracted his officers from their important duties... But even he couldn't get over the ridiculousness of the new advertisement. There was no way in the galaxy that such an attractive man could be under that mask, and Hux wanted to get to the bottom of it.“
Shadow of Your Heart (Kylux, NOT complete, omega kylo)
“After the fall of the empire Luke Skywalker fought a rising evil in the outer rim, a villain named Snoke who tormented his young nephew. With Snoke defeated, Leia sent her son to be trained as part of the new order of jedi, in the hopes that it would keep him safe.Now 16 years later, Ben is an omega and caught between his desire for freedom from the simple and sheltered jedi life, and his mother and uncle's desire to shelter him after the attack in his childhood. Assuming the name Kylo Ren to hide his identity, Kylo is finally set free from Luke's teaching to serve as a jedi aide to his mother in the senate. It is meant to be a safe mission, despite the fact that it includes the integration of a radical fringe group into the New Republic. But the leader of the First Order, a slender alpha, has other goals besides political advantage.“
Pink Cadillac (Kylux adjacent, bottom Clyde, complete)
“ Clyde has never met Stensland, he’s never even seen a picture of him. This should raise red flags, but Stensland has never seen him either, and neither of them have asked for a picture. Clyde likes the anonymity of it, that way it’s easier to live the fantasy because if a picture of him were to ever make its way onto their chat it would be obvious that he’s nowhere near as small as he wants to be. “
Butt It’s Stuck (Kylux, Bottom Kylo, complete)
“ Ben gets high and makes a dumb decision, Dr. Hux has to fix it for him, god forbid his boyfriend be normal for once. “
Gingersnap (Kylux, Drag Queen Kylo, Bottom kylo, complete, Modern AU)
“ When he first moved here drag queens were something he’d only seen on tv and people he mostly perceived to be pretty little twinks with a lisp or aging chain smokers with clown makeup. Nowhere in his expectations did he factor in a drag queen like Kylo Amidala, a queen so jacked she looks like she bench presses the whole swim team before breakfast. “
What We Did For Love (Kylux, Omega Kylo, complete)
“ They were both born wrong but that’s what made them perfect for each other. Hux is a slim Alpha and Kylo is a bulky Omega. Neither thought they would ever find a mate, but after the destruction of Starkiller, Kylo goes into heat and Hux finds he can’t resist him. “
90 Day Fiancé (Kylux, complete)
““Maybe that means you’ll be more inclined to choose me,” Hux hints, glancing over at a drone buzzing by with a sneaky look on his face. Perfect, he’ll create as much support for himself with the public as possible.
"What I choose doesn’t matter,” he croons, making it sound as romantic as he possibly can to hide the true meaning of the words.
"I know, I'm just trying to make the public like me," Hux reaches out to stroke Kylo's cheek as he smiles, "It doesn't matter what I want now, either. If the people want us, is Snoke going to tell all his trade partners no?"”
He will find a way.” No doubt about it. Snoke has his fingers in every branch of government, spies and agents everywhere.
"We'll see," Hux wants so badly to kiss those beautiful, plush lips stained with lipstick and berry juice. He can only imagine how sweet Kylo tastes as he crosses his legs, not wanting the evidence of his arousal to get leaked to the entire net, "I would not lose faith so quickly. If I want something...Well, I'll do anything to get it."“
In Your Debt (Kylux, complete, omega kylo)
“ Things work a little different in the Order then they do in the Resistance. “
Floss Me (Kylux, Modern AU, complete)
“ Hux, Kylo's boyfriend, is aghast to find out how rarely Kylo flosses (i.e. never) and he can't take it anymore, so he decides to take matters into his own hands. Kylo's mind, however, takes things in a different direction, and it turns out both of them enjoy the rather unexpected results. “
Starting From The Top (kylux, complete, bottom kylo)
“ when Hux finally gets Kylo Ren into his bed, he finds out that Ren is much more insecure than he thought. Well. He'd have to fix that. “
Into The Brighter Night (kylux, bottom kylo, complete)
“During a diplomatic summit between the First Order, the New Republic, and the New Jedi, Ben Solo encounters Lieutenant Armitage Hux and is immediately taken. Though he doesn't have a plan, he sneaks out to Hux's tent that night and catches him in a private moment.
Six nights Ben Solo warmed Hux's bed.“
The Little Dumbass (kylux, mermaid AU, complete, bottom kylo)
“ Happy in his own little bubble Kylo spends his days collecting the pretty things the humans drop in the water and exploring his favourite places along the coast, until he meets the most beautiful merman he's ever seen. Only things aren't always what they seem. This Kylo learns the hard way. “
Bespoken: Satin and Lace (kylux, complete)
“After a memorable first fitting, it's time for Hux to deliver the goods. The sequel to the Tailor!Hux AU Bespoke.
[excerpt]: "You look--incredible." Hux tried to ignore that fact that the words seemed to strangle in his throat. "Extraordinary, in fact.""'I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary,'" Ren quipped. He took a step forward, his eyes darkening. "To be otherwise is to be unforgettable."
Another step. Hux could feel the competing coolness of the silk with the heat of Ren's skin. He could give into both, if he leaned in just a little bit more.”
Bespoke (kylux, complete)
“ long and busy week leaves Hux exhausted and eager to close up shop. But when a tall and handsome stranger walks in and requests a uniquely custom-made item, how can he refuse?
[excerpt]: "What are you interested in, then?"
Ren strode over to inspect a jacket that decorated one of the dress forms. It was made of a dove grey vicuña wool and was exquisitely cut, with perfectly pitched sleeves. He turned over the cuff, thumbing the cerise silk lining which lay hidden underneath. There was something proprietorial about the way he handled the smooth fabric--the silken material flowing over his thick fingers like the juices of cooked cherries staining his skin--that felt uncomfortably familiar.
Hux swallowed, conscious of the tightness which reappeared in his throat."
This," Ren said softly. His eyes flashed dangerously, pinpoint amber lasers trained on green, the delicate and lustrous sendal firmly ensconced in his hand. "I want you to make me something out of this."“
Free Use (Kylo Ren x Knights of Ren, bottom kylo)
“ A day in the life of Ben Solo - free use cumslut of the Knights of Ren. “
Honeycomb (kylux, complete)
““I know a guy.” Poe always knew a guy. He knew a lot of guys. He had a guy for everything.
“A guy,” Ben replied.
“Yep.”
“Who can do what?”
“Oh, you know, this and that. Got a lot of money, a little time. You know how it goes.”
Ben was beginning to feel like maybe he was the stoned one. “I really don’t.”
Poe leaned forward on his elbows, charming crooked grin lighting up his handsome features, the kind of smile that won over everybody who crossed his path. “You give him a little time, he’ll give you a little money.”“
Making Puppies (kylux, omega kylo, complete)
“ Supreme Leader Kylo wants to give his Enforcer, his Grand Marshal, his beloved Hound a family, so they get to work on starting one. “
Wicked Game (kylux, complete)
“Ben Solo is gone. He died along with all the others at Luke Skywalker’s academy. From his ashes rose Kylo Ren, the apprentice to the Sith Lord Snoke. His transition to the dark side is nearly complete, but Kylo takes a moment to rid himself of one final, if tenuous, connection he has to the Jedi ways.
It’s time to abandon his celibacy.
(Kylux Positivity Week, the 3rd, Day 5: First Time)“
For His Eyes Only (kylux, complete)
“Day Two: Put it on Kylo
The prompt says it all really. Hux has something special for Kylo.“
Cover Me In You (kylux, complete)
“ Newly made governor of his Arkanian province, Armitage Hux sets out to buy a pleasure slave for his household. He finds exactly what he wants in an imposing man of impressive size—where it counts—called Ren. “
Fire and Moonlight (kylux, complete)
“❄ #KyluxAdvent, Day 4: Fireplace ❄
On a blustery winter night on Arkanis: a secret meeting between two lovers at a remote apartment. It's the only place Kylo Amidala and Chancellor Hux can be together, without having to hide their desire for one another.“
Conquer and Devour (Kylo Ren x Ren, complete)
“ “The Ren’s judgement is impartial, it doesn’t care if you live or die. It will burn the Light out of you, one way or another. All you have to do is convince it that you deserve to live.” “
When Christmas Comes (kylux, alpha kylo, bottom kylo)
“"Kylo bit his lip as he tried not to show Hux how much that simple touch was already affecting him. Because an Alpha shouldn’t want this. An Alpha should never crave for his sweet albeit feisty Omega to fuck him into submission like this, to make him beg for more with each delicious thrust."
Or the one where Alpha Kylo bottoms for his lovely Omega.“
This Is The Future The Republic Wants (kylux, complete)
“"Why would a First Order officer let a Jedi padawan undress him?”“You tell me,” says Ben. He flicks open another of Hux’s buttons. “I can’t think of one reason.” Hux pushes his chest forward, offering himself for Ben to touch. “The First Order opposes everything the New Republic stands for.”-Major Hux, assigned to Hosnian Prime to assassinate a New Republic politician, gets lost at a Pride parade. His sterile, self-righteous First Order upbringing did not prepare him for the debauchery he encounters. Hux runs into trouble, but when all seems lost, a handsome padawan appears with solutions to several of Hux’s problems.“
Put Your Money On Me (kylux, complete)
“Broke college students Ben Solo and Poe Dameron decide to try their luck in a new, fancy club where neither of them belong. When Ben is propositioned by a rich businessman, he agrees to spend one night with Armitage Hux in exchange for a solution to all their mounting debt.
Will Ben take the money and run back to the safety that is his not so boyfriend Poe? Or is Armitage Hux the one person who can give him everything he’s ever craved?“
Devotion and Reverence (kylux, omega kylo, complete)
“Senator Kylo Amidala is openly omega, and just as openly unreachable. They have high standards for who they might mate with, and their high position has helped keep those standards aloft. But when an Emperor willingly goes to his knees for them, they might be swayed.Emperor Armitage Hux has trained for years to be stoic, patient, and guarded. His self restraint is next to none. So it quakes him to his core that not only does he want to do away with those restraints, he willingly kneels for an untouchable, unreachable Senator.“
a matter of time (kylux, complete)
“Armitage Hux, Dark Side adept and Supreme Leader Snoke's apprentice, has grand plans for his ascension to the throne, and he'll need General Ben Solo's help to get there. His unfortunate Force bond with the scavenger girl is simply a means to an end.
For Year of Kylux's "Role Reversal" prompt week!“
The White Hound (kylux, complete, smut is hinted)
“Kylo's in white. That's it. That's the fic.
When Hux becomes Supreme Leader, one of his first orders is to put Kylo in white. He didn't realise it would be quite so inconveniently distracting.“
and you said, kiss me (kylux, complete)
“The Master of the Knights of Ren shifts on his feet like a cadet. “I brought you a gift,” he says lowly, through a strange static. “One best enjoyed in private.”
Hux’s brain stutters.
“It’s food,” Ren elaborates before Hux’s overtaxed mind can conjure up any embarrassing ideas—around a mind-reader, no less. “Messy to eat. You would appreciate the ease of cleaning.” Or: Ren returns from Gelda with a honeyfruit for Hux. Things get out of hand.“
Rebirth (kylux, complete)
“Over a year after Ben Solo disappeared on his hunt for Armitage Hux, Poe is sent a clue by one of his informants. While the video doesn't give any clues as to where Ben is, it certainly shows exactly who he's with and how he's spending his time.Fully embracing the name Kylo Ren, Poe's former partner shows that years of rebellion and disciplinary actions are in the past. By the General's hand, he has been reborn, and he is now the embodiment of control of mind and body.“
To the Hunt (kylux, no smut but kinks are here, complete)
“Emperor Hux throws a lavish masquerade ball to network with the political elite. To liven things up, he makes it a costume ball, and decides for this one night Ren might as well be his Hound in truth. Is it a way to deliver a subtle message to his political opponents, or is it just an excuse to lead his Knight around by a leash in public? Of course it’s both. Hux knows exactly how to mix business and pleasure, after all.
Written for the Kylux Big Bang 2016! Featuring art by @tashacho“
Cravings (kylux, complete)
“ Kylux have a ritual after Kylo comes home from battle. It involves food, sex and a mouth gag ~ “
NSFW Kylux Art (kylux)
“What it says on the tin! Enjoy! <3
TAGS UPDATED AS CHAPTERS ADDED
PLEASE HEED THE CONTENT WARNINGS AT THE TOP OF EACH CHAPTER“
Whump
Until Death Do Us Part (Modern AU, Demon Hux AU, Complete, Kylux)
“In response to a drunken dare Kylo has landed himself with an allegedly cursed box from Ebay that comes complete with a nice cuff and his very own demon intent to drive him mad and eventually into the grave. Why is it always him? As if his life doesn't suck bad enough already.”
Why are Things Like This? (Kylux, Kylo Whump, Sadly NOT Complete)
“ In a Universe were the users of the force have been killed in fear of their powers several hundred years ago there are only about seventy of them left. Like a rare breed of animal they are held as slaves in the hands of the rich and evil. When Armitage Hux is still a child he meets a young slave named Kylo, the precious slave of Snoke, Lord to the biggest empire in all the galaxies. He does not realize until much later what Kylo actually is, but he does realize that the system they live in is wrong. His goal to gain power will lead him to a future of change, and hopefully also to Kylo again. “
Beg. Scream. Curse. Cry. (Kylux, Rape/Non-Con but not from Hux, Complete)
“Ben Solo (~20 y/o) is captured by the First Order when they take a rebel base. As a prisoner of the First Order, he’s used as a form of entertainment (especially Brendol Hux). Armitage Hux (~23 y/o) doesn’t agree with this.Stay tuned for eventual retribution but it’s a bumpy ride along the way!“
Closed Circuit (Kylux, Complete, Mpreg)
“How long could a man- even a force user- live, with an injury like that?After the collapse of Starkiller Base Hux must find a way to save Kylo Ren, but he may lose himself in the process.“
We All Turn Into Stardust One Day (Kylux, Complete)
“(I do not give my consent for this work to be transferred to any other sites, or apps such as Fanfic Pocket)Hux has always been a carefully contained storm; when Kylo Ren is killed, the dam finally breaks.“
Finally (Kylux, Complete, Self-Harm warning)
“ “Is that why you harm yourself? To punish?” He already knows the answer and the way Kylo visibly folds in on himself is proof enough. “
Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad (Kylux, bottom kylo, Complete)
“Jedi Ben Solo, handsome hero of the New Republic, accompanies his uncle Luke on a memorial trip to Tatooine. As Luke mourns his family, Ben meets local peacekeeper Major Armitage Hux. Hux is unimpressed by his reputation, and proceeds to give him a scathing lesson in galactic politics before taking him on a suicide mission.
Ben falls hard.
Later, spending the night apart, both hear a holotransmission from the floor of the New Republic Senate that reveals Ben's grandfather as the infamous Darth Vader. Ben does not take this well, and falls hard again.“
In The Days Still Left (Kylux, Complete)
“ The instructions are clear, but following them will take more strength of nerves and willpower than either General Hux or Kylo Ren could have anticipated. With Starkiller Base destroyed, they are sent on a mission that will test their loyalties and bring things to light that may have been better off kept in the dark. “
Instrument and Measures (kylux, complete)
“Hux cares for Ren after Snoke’s harsh lessons, until he must face a moment of truth. Basically just injured-Kylo hurt/comfort in a non-linear narrative.*Hux is certain, therefore, that Ren cannot not-feel Hux's genuine desire to help and care for Ren. But it often seems that Ren can't quite believe it; that he discounts the perception as Hux would a physically impossible sensor-reading: the instrument must be faulty. Hux has concluded that the only way to proceed is to keep re-supplying the anomalous data-point, until Ren seems content to exist in a galaxy where grav-up reads as grav-down and the surfaces of suns as absolute zero, if only behind the door-panel of Hux's quarters.“
Find Me (Kylux, ghost kylo, complete)
“ Loneliness is a crushing weight on his chest, drawing him abruptly from his slumber. “No one visits my grave anymore.” He’s barely aware of speaking, they don’t feel like his words. Just as abruptly as it arrived, it disappears leaving him unsettled in his own skin. “
all that you love will be carried away (kylux, complete)
“Supreme Leader, the oscillator is failing. The collapse has begun. There is nothing that can be done.
Hux, sent to retrieve Kylo Ren from the dying Starkiller Base, has lost almost everything, and has little patience or tolerance left for anyone or anything--particularly not Snoke's pet pseudo-Sith and his amateur theatrics. But you do the job that is in front of you, to the best of your ability, and you hold on as long as you can.
Now with illustrations by givenclarity!“
Oceans of Infinity (kylux, complete)
“ After yet another defeat at Rey's hands, Hux is there to take care of Kylo. “
Keep Your Hands Firmly Pressed Into the Earth (Kylux, Stockholm syndrome recovery, intense, happy ending,complete)
“ Part 2. After being held hostage by Hux for two years, being broken and twisted into a new shape, Kylo has been rescued but his road to recovery is far from over. His family is there to help, but they can only help when he is ready to accept it. Ben isn't anywhere near ready to be his own person again, and it will take a lot of hard work to excise Hux's influence from him. “
keep in the dark (to stay out of the light) (kylux, Stockholm Syndrome, Torture, intense, complete, has a happy ending sequel with healing)
“ Modern AU. Smuggler Kylo Ren runs afoul of Armitage Hux, head of the First Order crime ring. Instead of killing him outright, Hux decides to keep him for his own instead. Kylo is none too thrilled with the situation, but Hux has plenty of patience. He wants Kylo to be his in every sense of the word, and they've got all the time in the world. “
Make It Up To Me (kylux, complete)
““There is no us,” Hux hissed between his teeth, his fists clenching and shaking. “You ended anything between us when you did this to me.”
Hux confronts Kylo after the events of Crait, and doles out his own abuse to even the playing field- with some dire realisations.“
Worth (kylux, complete)
“ Snoke has Kylo believing he's worthless- and strikes at his very core to get him to believe it, and have a breakdown. Hux makes sure his lover knows just how much he's really worth, and gives him some much needed TLC. “
on my way home (ben and han healing moment, NOT complete)
“Ben Solo was stuck on a wasteland; he had been since he was sixteen years old. Jakku was a good for nothing planet, nothing more than a sandy waste of space in a wide-open galaxy. Not to mention the brat he'd been forced, or so he claims, to take responsibility of when her folks dumped her in the junkyard at nine years old. He had severed his force bond long ago and resigned himself to a never-ending battle of windburn and starvation just to keep himself hidden and safe from those who wanted to use him.
That is, until an ex-Stormtrooper and a know-it-all droid came crashing down from the sky, and his pseudo little sister decided to join them for the ride. She drug him along, too, of course.“
The Force Has Other Plans (not reylo and not kylux, han and ben healing ?, NOT Complete)
“ Ben Solo has lost faith in the force. Having not seen his parents in 23 years, and suffering at the hands of Snoke, he runs away from everything, letting the universe solve its own problems. Hiding away from both the First Order and the Resistance, he lives as a scavenger on Jakku with a reprogrammed BB-9e, named Sphero. Until, one day he gets caught in the middle of a situation he never wanted to find himself in. Now on the run from the First Order with a fellow scavenger, a rogue Stormtrooper and a BB-unit carrying a map to Luke Skywalker, Ben can only hope that this ends soon. But, the force has other plans. “
Black and Blue (kylux, complete)
“Kiss #5: Where It Doesn’t Hurt.
Ren is a damn idiot. Yes, again.“
Lighthouse (kylux, self harm warning, complete)
“Kylo self-harms.
Hux understands.“
Patricide Can Be Cathartic (kylux, complete)
“ Hux has one of his recurring nightmares, and Kylo helps him break free of a stagnant pattern in order to gain catharsis, and console his inner child that has needed comfort and healing for decades. “
One Day More (kylux, complete)
“ Kylo laid one pale hand against the viewport and watched the space around it turn opaque with condensation. He would be there, soon. Would be with him, soon. “
Strictly Business (kylux, intense, Stockholm syndrome, complete)
“ Modern AU. Ben Organa is a paralegal at Armitage Hux's corporate law firm. When his performance starts to suffer from overwork, Hux takes him on to be his personal assistant as a special project. Hux pulls him into a manipulative relationship on his own terms, certainly not Ben's. Ben is drawn further into Hux's life, learning about his family and secrets best left buried. As Hux's emotional hold on him deepens, Ben struggles to keep his head above water, even as he starts to wonder if Hux truly cares for him or not, and whether Hux's attention is worth the high cost. “
Reconditioning (kylux, intense, complete)
“Ben Solo is one of the FBI's most promising young agents. While he's had a few disciplinary hiccups, he's intelligent and not afraid to do what needs to be done. His personal life is a mess, and he may not look like your typical federal agent, but he might be the only man for this job. Ben's looking for a promotion and something like the glory his parents always talked about before he was born.
The FBI is looking to take down one of the country's most elusive prostitution rings, specializing in the types of sex that Ben's boss has only read about in the novel his wife hides under the bed. Ben is going undercover as a "slave" in order to gather information on the ring's leaders, purchasing a premium package from the agency. 30 days as a slave to a professional Master, and a guaranteed sexual experience of a lifetime.
He gets chosen by Hux, or the General as he insists Ben call him, and he quickly realizes that no training could have prepared him for this experience. Every day, Ben, or Kylo as he is known at the club, finds out more and more about the organization, but the more he learns the less he wants to destroy them.“
Off Record (kylux, complete)
“ General Hux stumbles across a feverish Kylo Ren and finds himself reluctantly taking on a caretaker role. Kylo's sneezes are unintentionally destructive, and some of Hux's thoughts are louder than others. “
A Good Day (kylux, complete)
“ After decades together, Hux and Ren embark on a new journey. “
In a Nutshell (kylux, complete)
“ After years in exile, Leia’s son must ask her for a favor. “
NFWMB (kyloren x ren, complete)
“ Ben was harmed and Ren won’t stand for it. “
Redemption
It Will Never Be Kylo Ren (Very Brief Kylux, Father Son Healing Story, Complete)
“ Han Solo didn't regret getting hauled into the intergalactic war by a teenager and a crazy old man. Han Solo didn't regret putting his ass on the line for that poncey Princess that unfairly insulted him, constantly. Han Solo never regretted that time he drank twenty-something glasses of dragonjuice at a weird canteen on Ryloth -- or the time he did it again. But he did regret one thing: failing the most important person in the entire galaxy. Ben Solo was his baby boy, the only being in the vast universe that called him 'dad' -- his proudest title -- and a word that he missed so much hearing. After promising his wife, General Leia Organa, Han Solo makes one final attempt to reach out to his lost son and to bring him back into the Light. Now stuck on a frozen wasteland of a planet with nothing but each other, a cave and a blistering snowstorm, Han and Kylo Ren have nothing other to do, than to finally talk and hope that the cold doesn't turn lethal. “
Always Finding Trouble, The Curse of Being a Solo (NOT Complete, Father Son Healing some more, Still barely any Kylux)
“ Kylo Ren has decided to give Ben Solo another chance. But of course things aren't that simple. With Snoke still torturing him at every turn, Ben struggles to keep hold of the Light, but at least this time he has help. Han Solo is determined to aid his son by doing what he knows how to do best, running away. At least this time he's taking his son with him, and by the Galaxy is he going to make the most of it. It's time to teach Ben the ropes. He'll make a Smuggler out of him yet. “
Compassionate Reality (Kylo and Han healing, complete, possibly my favorite fic with kylo ren in it ever)
“ This was the biggest lie of all. Snoke believed he was hewn marble. He at the helm, chipping away until Ren was scratched and scraped into what he desired him to be. But he just wasn’t. “
strike me down (Ben Solo x Rey, its very mild in my opinion, the only reylo fic you’d see me read, more focused on han and ben healing, and redemption, NOT complete)
“ Kylo Ren's father is dead, but he isn't gone. And dying hasn't made him any less determined to bring his son home. The question is, will Kylo Ren allow it? “
Miscellaneous
Lonely Spirits Flickering (Kylux, Complete)
“Armitage Hux did not believe in afterlife.
Turned out, afterlife believed in him.“
Breaking The Ice (Kylux, Complete, Modern AU)
“Ignoring the noise of a crowd comes easy to Hux as he glides along the Ice. It does nothing to interrupt his flow as he enthrals them, demanding the attention of every soul.
Ignoring the enraged screaming of a hockey player on the other hand is much more difficult.“
Empty Space, Watch The Waves (Kylux, Modern AU< Merman Kylo, Complete)
“The longer he thought about it, the less he could deny it. Impossible as it seemed, it had been real. He had bloodstains on the sleeves of his shirt to prove it. He had so many questions, and they kept him up well into the night. What was that thing? A merman, he supposed, silly as it sounded, but since when were they real? Were there more like him? If he was real, what else might be out there, undiscovered?
And one question above all: how had he survived?“
Screaming Colour (Kylux, Soulmate AU, Complete)
“For as long as Hux can remember, he's been able to see everything in brilliant, vivid colour. His mother tells him that it means that he's got a soulmate somewhere in the galaxy who's waiting for him and little Hux is excited to think that his soulmate can see things in the amazing colours that he can.But one day, the colour begins to drain from Hux's world.
(Soulmate AU where you see everything in perfect colour until your soulmate dies)“
The Black Squadron Leader (Kylux, Rebel AU, NOT Complete)
“It was inevitable that they would meet; the General of the First Order and the Black Squadron Leader, an entity that had been a long time thorn in his side.The General, however, could not have anticipated the way their meeting would turn out when he walked into the holding cell to meet the rebellious and incorrigible Ben Solo.
((This story is still in its initial stages and is subject to change))“
do we indeed desire the dead should still be near us at our side (kylux, melancholic, Han and Hux meet, complete)
“Hux finally meets Han Solo.
---
The title is a quote from 'In Memoriam' by Lord Alfred Tennyson“
searching through shadows and snow (kylux, complete)
“ After Exegol, Ben Solo goes into exile only to discover that he's pregnant with Hux's child. He gives birth to a baby boy with bright red hair and tells him stories of his father. But even with a second chance at life and his son's light, Ben's grief grows stronger every day, because Hux is dead...isn't he? “
Flyboys (kylux, complete)
“ England, 1941 - Armitage Hux, pilot in the Royal Air Force, has finally gotten command of his own squadron. But instead of a group of well-trained British pilots, he gets twelve inexperienced American volunteers. Among them is Ben Solo, a talented young fighter pilot who would be the best in the squadron if it wasn’t for his temper. As they take to the skies, Hux and Ben find themselves forming an illicit but powerful bond against the backdrop of a world at war. “
he’s not a villain, he’s just a boy (kylo and Anakin Skywalker and Obi-wan kenobi, NOT complete, time-travel fic)
“"It's not like they're going to go out of their way to share their secrets. Bastards, more interested in interfering with the Senate and politics rather than actually doing what they're meant to."
"They're at war against the separatists as well mind you. They've stretched themselves out way too far."
Kylo looked up to see the two patients looking at him, both looking away when they saw that he caught them. Kylo scoffed under his breath and went back to his thoughts.
It took a moment for their words to register in his mind. His tentative grasp on the force around him wobbled and almost escaped his hold. It took all of his control to not let it burst out from him.
Separatists?“
#kylux#kylo ren#general hux#kylo x ren#knights of ren#Han Solo#omega kylo#alpha hux#bottom kylo#trans kylo#kakisocks rec list
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new blog post: trying to change my habits
new blog post on https://mizkit.com/trying-to-change-my-habits/
trying to change my habits
I am, as the subject line suggests, trying to change some habits. It isn’t going well, of course, but I’m trying.
I started taking a yoga class for newbs, and I’ve Not Wanted to go to every class since then, but I’ve gone and enjoyed all of them and indeed, have left every one going “if I did that 3 or 4 times a week I’d probably feel a lot better,” but I’m trying to change habits in a SUSTAINABLE manner, not “DO ALL THE THINGS / NEVER MIND I’D RATHER DIE”.
I’m trying to spend less time on the computer in the evenings (she says after being on the computer ALL evening), and I have Three! Separate! Plans! to keep me off it.
Plan One is READ MORE. This is actually the most successful of the Plans, because I find it easier to remember to read than either of the Other Plans.
Plan Two is DRAW MORE. I’ve taken some steps toward making this easier–I did get have the brainstorm that probably Udemy or whatever it’s called has an APP, which would mean not having to turn the computer on to do the lessons I bought a thousand years ago (because as previously discussed, The Problem Is The Computer), but the habit is just really not there. I’m working on it, but this is where I need the Magic Time Blocking App which will chime pleasantly 3 days a week at a set time and say, “Do your art now, Catie!”
Plan Three is to DO SOME KNITTING. There is literally nothing stopping me from doing this except I forget. I’m almost sure if I dug the just-started project out from under the books that have been piled on top of it, I would remember more easily to do a row. However, that requires remembering to dig the project out from under the books, which I should do right now while I’m actively thinking about it.
(pauses. returns after doing that. there. now it’s on a bookshelf and easier to see.)
I guess there’s also Plan Four, which is “watch some tv with my husband” but there’s been nothing on that we’ve been INTENSELY WANTING to watch so it hasn’t had much weight.
Anyway, yeah, so those are “keep off the computer” sorts of attempts at habit-changing. Like I said, of all of them, the reading is going pretty well, and frankly, I’ll take that. :)
I’m also TRYING to work a bit more exercise in, just walking, and I tell you, embarrassingly, I forget to do that too. Today I meant to stop editing halfway through the manuscript and go for a walk, and I just…forgot. Which seems to be much more common than not. And I’ve found this rather decent-looking 60 day walking program which would tell me what to do if I’d only remember to do it! And actually, possibly, be fit enough to walk vigorously for 60 minutes at a time, which I’m not quite sure I am…
(Of course, then we digress into the problem I was discussing on BS the other day, which is: I sweat like a horse, and the prospect of bringing exercise clothes to change into/out of is actually a Huge Impediment, which, like: that’s ridiculous. But it’s true. And the only way to avoid it as a problem is to either walk after work in my work clothes (which are not, like, WORK clothes, but they’re not intended to be drenched with sweat, either) or get up early and walk before work and then shower and go to work, and look, I’ve met me.)
Anyway, I’m not really trying to change everything everywhere all at once, I’m more like mentally lining up things to ease my brain into the idea of doing them. I think when this 6 week class session is over for yoga I’ll pick up a second class, and WALKING would be good.
(I do walk. I walk to and from work every day unless it’s absolutely lashing, and sometimes then. But I want to add in a Walking With Purpose sort of activity, too, y’know? My big dream is getting back to swimming, but I have to get to where I can get myself to the gym, first….)
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this is super long so first of all sorry and second of all as always free to trash it if it sucks or you don’t really want to bother. also thinking about it now tumblr might nuke this because the word count is very wordy so also if shit glitches out lmk I’ll try my best to repair any misunderstanding or egregious typo. but of course no response necessary even though I love open dialogue I obviously understand I wrote a whole fucking essay here and sometimes that’s just like. very overwhelming. no rush and no pressure forever and always. I know the possibility of people hearing me out is always lessened with the increase of yapping I do. I don’t blame anyone for that.
wanted to start this off by saying I have no grand delusions of saving anyone. I am already highly doubtful what I say really does anything to people I know in real life because I know people are resistant to hear things they already discarded, so of course it’s not like I expect this deluge of words on a screen to mean much to anyone, let alone you. but maybe I’d still regret it if I just turned away. ah, who am I kidding? I regret everything I do, even the small details and meaningless actions I take. I regret every word I say, usually. I suppose I am lucky in a sense that the powers that be pumped me with the anxiety chemical more so than the depression one. I’ve never really been in your place before, but I can understand it. I’ve definitely thought about killing myself, but it’s always ironically been tampered by the very thing that causes me to spiral. anxiety is a survival mechanism after all, and the fear of regretting my choice, of everything changing for the better the instant I give up always pulls me back. the one good thing about anxiety is it gives you a fear of death even when the rest of you doesn’t.
sorry for talking about myself (yet again) for so long. I’m getting to the point. basically, I’m sorry you’re going through this and you should know there are people, so many people who care about you. they want to see you alive. active. they want to hear your words or see your art or just see what kind of person you’ll grow into. hell, I barely know who you are and am communicating with you through an anonymous message on tumblr yet I care an honestly greater amount for you than people I’ve known in real life (granted a lot of the time those people were sort of shitty but I digress. I don’t think you’re a bad person. the opposite, in fact) the absurdity of this communication (and how very gen z of us) still hasn’t made me care less. I again, being a bunch of words on a screen, don’t know you very well, but I think you really don’t deserve to be in this position. you don’t deserve to be pushed into hopelessness, nobody does, but it makes me genuinely kind of angry that young, talented, well-spoken, interesting people end up feeling like this, just because of the realities of who you are, the things that make you interesting and clever but different brutally colliding with the deeply shitty world and country we live in.
but I can also understand how nice platitudes don’t mean much. being dead is kind of the worlds best excuse to stop caring about what others think, even if they think well of you. and people, it’s always hard to really be convinced they actually care, or if they’re trying to simply protect themselves from feeling bad in the future. I still can’t read people. I rarely trust people. I get that. I guess if you don’t trust people, trust that change is inevitable, and maybe it’ll just take time (as all things do) to see the changes. you mentioned half of the reasons you had to keep living were gone. what if more reasons arise? actually, not what if, more reasons WILL arise. it’s the nature of nature. inertia is antithetical to existence. Is this valuable advice? I don’t know. I have more words I could put here but I’m not a therapist or a writer even and I don’t want to be misunderstood if I do try and give direct actual advice. I guess I still know my limitations confined to this hyperspecific and imperfect mode of communication…I don’t know. allow me to just simply join a chorus of support, of hope and of getting as close to something we could call genuinely as possible.
I know I said I wasn’t coming into this with delusions of grandeur, but by god I wish I could express something so beautiful to convince someone to keep living. how egotistical of me, really. yet this isn’t really that, and I’m sorry I can’t do that. as I finish writing this I’m even kind of confused why I’ve spent so long on a piece of writing that’s probably shit and probably more of an annoyance than anything. forgive me for the dramatics but something deeper than logic compels me to try speaking here. is this what a parasocial relationship is. is this what the internet was made for? maybe I’m a hopeless fool who thinks there’s more that life can offer for people like me or you. maybe I can’t help trying to preserve something I feel is valuable.
I hope you don’t kill yourself. I feel like you have more to say. I hope the people around you can reinforce that, I hope they don’t stop giving you reasons to live. the world has more to give you. I have more to say.
Please never be sorry for talking to me. In fact stop apologizing for it altogether.
I have anxiety as well, but its drowned out by disdain for life and being alive. I used to be very scared of heights, and roads, and dead things, and i didn’t go outside very much because i was terrified of even scraping my knees. And now i don’t care. If i hurt or die then peace is upon me. The only thing that really gives me anxiety now is staying alive.
I like that you talk about yourself. I am getting to know you. However i think you are a bit strange. That anyone could find myself “talented, well-spoken, interesting, or clever” is… Disheartening. There are much better people than me to attribute these to, i hope you get to meet them. And i dont think you should be sorry that I am going through anything. It’s not your fault. Im certain I was built to experience bad things until I die.
My inertia declines with every passing day. I am mentally very slow. My brain has had palpable degradation of function for quite some time. I also am becoming emotionally less … careful, and physically i am doing probably worse than ever. I am so slow. I don’t think i want more reasons to live in the first place. I don’t want to be kept here anymore.
It’s ok that you cannot find anything to convince me. Many people have tried. I’m a bit of a lost cause. You’re not egotistical. You’re just trying to be a good person and do what you’re supposed to do. I think you should stop seeing anything I write as valuable though, if anything I’m taking up your time and energy. There is certainly more to life I think that can be offered to you, you have proven yourself kind and thoughtful. I don’t think that I am anything like you though.
We’ll see what happens. I don't think anything i have to say is necessary or hasn’t already been said.
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2022 Game of the Year 1. Chrono Cross: The Radical Dreamers Edition Square Enix Nintendo Switch, 2022 (orig. 1999, 1996)
The rumors were circulating for a while, and I honestly didn’t believe that there would ever be a remaster of Chrono Cross. So it was a huge shock to me when it finally, truly came to fruition. I got it on day one, and even ordered the physical version from Play-Asia for the collection. The cover for the Switch version beats the socks off the original PS1 release, imho. Not that the PS1 version is bad, I just think they really outdid themselves with the new art.
Chrono Cross is a masterpiece, and the remaster is giving tons of new people the chance to play it, while keeping true to the original. Character art has been updated, with everyone getting a glow up that stays true to their original design.
3D models also got an upgrade, while still keeping all the original animations and movements. They look clean, bright, and vivid. I was thrilled to see that they kept the original PS1 feel, but made everything clearer. It’s a hard thing to do and many developers feel the need to make something that breaks too far from the original, but Chrono Cross stayed true.
One thing I was most worried about was the background art. Chrono Cross went with an impressionist style when drawing many of the backgrounds, which gave each location a timeless feel. I never cared for impressionist art before playing this game, and I have come to really like it because it is meant to be imprecise and left up to interpretation. As such, it has a sort of timelessness that isn’t tied to the inevitable aging of graphics. However, simple upscaling can give harsh lines where perhaps none existed. There are a few backgrounds in the remaster that suffer this fate, but I find them so few and far-between that it did not affect me in the slightest. Probably the only example I can find of one that stood out was how the railings of the exterior of Fort Dragonia look a little jagged in the remaster. Everything else was very satisfying.
Other backgrounds go full-on sci-fi pulp novel and it’s honestly breathtaking. I showed this one to a coworker and he actually gasped. It sounds a bit goofy, and he’s not a video game fan, but he loves old pulp novels and he thought it was perfect.
I can’t say too much about the combat that hasn’t already been said. I like the element system with its levels and single-use spells. I like the customization. I like the tiers of attack strengths. And I love the animations. It’s a great battle system, with really the only downside being that maybe it’s a bit easy, especially in New Game+.
The cast of characters is unwieldy and some suffer because of it, with very little development for them. However, you can mostly overlook adding characters to your party, should you choose to do so. There are a few tied directly to the storyline, and you’ll have to use them, so you’ll never be short on characters. Additionally, you can seek out lots of characters just for fun. My personal favorites are Starky, Razzly, Kid, and Harle.
The soundtrack is possibly the best in video game history. From the heart-racing punch of Time’s Scar in the opening sequence (the one single thing that originally interested me in the game), to the smooth, comforting tunes of Arni Village and the sunny, relaxing bounce of Home World, Chrono Cross sets the tone of the early game very well. Your carefree existence will inevitably change as you begin the story, and each new area has a perfectly matched song to go with it. Ghost Ship. Hydra Marshes. Chronopolis. The songs alone will clue you in to what each world looks like and feels like. Finally, the credits song, sometimes called Radical Dreamers and sometimes called Unstolen Jewel, can still bring a tear to my eye even after years of listening to it on repeat. This is a perfect soundtrack. Only one game even comes close in my mind, and composer Yasunori Mitsuda also worked on that one.
Finally, this special edition of Chrono Cross comes with the Japan only game that eventually became Chrono Cross: Radical Dreamers. It’s a text-based adventure game that shares a few characters with its eventual final version, as well as a few locations and songs. I think I prefer the final versions of all of the songs, but it’s great to hear them in their Super Famicom, proto-versions. It’s hard to really rate this game because it was essentially just a DLC game available exclusively on the Satellaview, an Internet-enabled Super Famicom add-on (yes, in the mid-90s), but for what it is, it is filled with charm. Kid is at her snarky, thieving best in this game and it’s definitely a must play if you enjoy Chrono Cross.
Chrono Cross was the game that won me over to JRPGs as a genre; I still remember @boner-taunt in disbelief when I told him I was playing it. Replaying it in glorious HD was the highlight of my video game experience in 2022.
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Hundred Thirty Three. Part 2
I sometimes think to myself why bother, why even make all this effort to see her but really I feel it’s more because maybe we did let her down in some sense “mom!” Tianna shouted just as I was getting into my own thoughts “yes dear” looking up at her “please be good tonight, please control dad. I uhm, I haven’t told her that you are both going to be there, but I think they aren’t really running anymore, it’s them coming out more now, I think it’s Oakley more so then anything. He is sick of the situation and hiding really but I haven’t told her a thing because what is the point, she will not want to go but please do this right. She did mention you actually, she said I am shocked mom hasn’t sniffed me out and I said well you have learnt the art of hiding now, you wanted peace and you got that but yeah. One shot, make it right. Dad has to come correct, that is her husband now” nodding my head “what is she like? Has she changed or still the same with a little selfish part of her” I don’t even know her anymore “she is different, she has honestly gone calmer. She doesn’t want the fame, she is happy as she is in Fendi and yet like you saw that time they wanted to push her forward but no. I think she is calm, she is better really. That stint in Ireland was a lot too, she did miss home, she has missed home. When speaking to her she has said how much she does miss everyone, but she can’t have herself and her husband be disrespected. She is very much my husband so yeah; you both need to just be careful. I think it could be a redemption but if dad kicks off then it’s going to be a fucking problem” I need to make sure “Aziel and Kylian are both here, Obviously Damson hasn’t come yet and Aziel come up to me and he said TT why hasn’t nana and papa seen me. He is very well spoken now; he knows proper English. I mean he is well spoken; he is weird enough well-spoken but struggling with spelling so he has this tutor that helps but he is grown, you will get emotional seeing him I think, but he did ask. Because he is here he knows that you both are here” I feel choked up “his cheeky little face” I need to see him “he is what you say if Rylee was a boy, in a weird sense they both look like brothers, but they don’t at the same time, but nothing as cute as my Nova” I chuckled “that diva and her little attitude, I have had it” I pointed as we both laughed “how come you’re being so open now? Because you was dead against us even knowing anything?” I am confused “it’s time, maybe. It’s been two years, and I am sure dad can contain himself” she shrugged.
Chris has been in deep thought, like since he knows that she is here and we can see her there he has been quiet which is better than his anger, his emotions are always on edge with him, but he has been so heartbroken by knowing he never got to do it “may I come into the boys corner?” I asked laughing, Junior is playing game with his dad, well they are gaming “yes but don’t get dad mad” he said “oh be quiet, where is Raihan? Not joining” he is usually with them “he wanted to game in his room, Roblox. I wanted to play this new NBA with dad” letting out an oh, sitting down “that is cute, how are you?” I asked Chris “good why?” he smiled “we need to get ready for tonight” he nodded his head “I know” he mumbled “we have this moment where we can try and coax her in, let’s not act stupid. Tianna just told me that Aziel asked about us, he is here. I want to see him so much, please be on your best behaviour” I pleaded “Aziel it tall now” Junior said, “how do you know that?” I asked “I was looking on Tianna phone, she made me hold it when Damson was on the phone and she was getting the bags out, I just looked at her photo. You know like on the phone and you have picture on the background, it was on there. it’s a picture of Aziel on there with Nova and a baby and Aziel looks taller and I asked, and she called me nosey” he laughed “Chris, please” he nodded his head “he asked where his papa is, he calls you that still. Don’t you want to see him?” he got up from the couch “don’t do this to me” he walked off; I don’t need him to fuck this up for us.
My glam team being here, and I am in deep thoughts, I am just thinking on what do I say to her, I think I will just hug her. She is my daughter; she is my first born and forever will be. I will always have her back, I just want to hug her first I think that is what I want from her “must be nerve wracking for you” Mel said to me because she can see it on my face “there is no other way of getting to her other than this, by seeing them at an event. They closed us off and left it as that. And I just, maybe we did act stupid I don’t know. But during that time we got this, well Fenty got this email from Ybeez which is Central manager, he put along the lines of court order, and I was confused but then it’s the money he made from the campaign, now I know I discussed this with Oakley. He said keep it” Mel side eyed me “did he though?” I laughed “but he did so I emailed back saying let’s meet, that got ended. Everything I tried got ended but they kept me in the following to show us, they are alive and really I think it’s to show publicly we are ok because not once as blogs said a thing? I mean when those pictures came out it was hit and miss but they posted themselves, so I don’t know. There is a lot of factors to the behaviour” Mel is laughing “imagine having half Chris and half Rihanna blood in you, that is like a bomb” I sniggered “and she did, I mean I should have known when she fucking ran off to London to begin with, are we that stupid” I laughed, it’s just laughable at this point “no we really should have, that is so funny” Mel giggled “my niece is on a different wave length because when she gave that money back that was a stance on what she wanted and tried to say, she said your bloodline is enough but I am free from your chains, Robyn you need to stop being awful” I sighed out, I don’t even know what I do.
We rarely go to events of this sort anymore; we have bought Junior with us. Raihan wanted to go to his friends home, he wasn’t interested in this even thought that boy wants to be a rapper, I am not sure. But Raihan said there is a new update on the game he has got and he really wants to play that instead, but we did ask if he wanted to go but he didn’t want too and Emi, she is a terror so I can’t be dealing with that publicly really “what will you be like when you see them?” Chris asked me, something I was going to ask him “properly watch them for a little while, I don’t know. I don’t really know what to say” I shrugged “Is Rylee here?” Junior asked “she should. Or will be really” he let out an oh “she will be shocked seeing me now, I am tall” smiling at him “she will be, we are shocked seeing you sometimes” I don’t even know what to say to her really “same really, I am going to scope out the vibe, but I know my daughter, I know she will be emotional seeing us, she does love us. I know she does, but you know, I am going to be calm. I will be” I sighed out “yes you will be, Tianna said that Aziel asked about us to her, and asked where is papa so I want to see him, please don’t fuck this up for us. I am asking you to not, but I feel like Tianna has told her that we are going to be there, this is why she was open to speak about them. I feel she knows” I just have this feeling because Tianna has been so closed off and now she is speaking on it.
Did I miss LA, I did. I can’t lie to myself and say I didn’t, but I did, I missed this. This place will always feel like home because that is all I have known but it’s life, I am happy in London. It has been drama free more so then anything in my life that has happened, maybe the drama has ended but for whatever has happened I am happy, so I did it for me “so if you win against all them rappers, these American rappers, that would fucking sick bro” Wadz said “imagine it though, like shit would be wild. I mean whatever, I don’t care for awards, so it is what it is” Oakley shrugged “this guy didn’t even want to leave to come here, I said two nominations, you better get your ass out of that house and let’s go. I can’t even lie but I am amped. America has been hard to poke at, and then to get that for the hip hop awards. I think I have completed the circle for you, not this lazy guy” YB pointed at him “I ain’t lazy ok, I just don’t care” he really doesn’t either “and this is why we go to the wife” Wadz and YB laughed “I was lowkey mad you know, like I declined the whole thing, I come home, and Rylee said oh we are, I was like Lee just ignore pagans, they are dumb. She goes no, we are. It’s time just let’s do it so yeah, but you are right though. America is full circle now, to get this” Oakley is ready to retire, he has a few more albums out of him yet, he is content. I have been away from this place for so long but being back, it’s just like nothing has changed besides me I guess. I am happier in life, I am happy. I mean a slight miss of my family, my family is Oakley now but to cut them all off besides Tianna wasn’t easy for me, I was upset but I had to do it for me, I couldn’t have that hold over me, the sly moves and Rachel has been so good, living in Ireland was amazing, I enjoyed but reality is here, and I am ok with that.
I always let Oakley take the lead, letting him lead me as we walk the red carpet because that is my man, and even though within me I want to lead but I ain’t going to be my mom, she is a boss, that is her but me I don’t want to be that when my dad suffered from it “one interview” YB said, and he pointed at E insider which out of them all had to be them, I am not mad but it’s just whatever “Central Cee, jus a few questions” letting his hand go and stepping back “hectic isn’t it” YB said to me “I know, it’s weird to be back with people that sound like me” he chuckled “you happy to be back home” I shrugged “bitter sweet I would say, yes and no to be honest” I sighed out “I don’t know, you will need to ask her” looking at Oakley “what is it” I said confused, stepping forward “I asked him what is it like to be married” letting out an oh “and I said it’s alright” I chuckled “I feel like nothing has changed with us, just I took his name” I shrugged “you both look so beautiful together, you think your husband has a chance in category” looking at him “he does, the sound coming out of the UK right now is amazing. But for him to be nominated in a category that is mostly just filled with only American rap artists, I think he has the biggest chance here. I am not being biased at all, but he is the hardest working out of them all, like every other person there sound the same, I don’t care” I will say it how it is “oh you go girl, you better ride for your husband” I grinned “and I will” Oakley is so quiet, he hates interviews “parents of you two boys now, congratulations. How is it now?” I pointed at Oakley “he can answer that” it’s not my time to be doing it all.
To see my parents just sitting on the other side, I felt a slight hint of sadness, to see them both. We did look but I looked away, I knew of them coming but didn’t know they would be as close. To see my dad, he keeps looking over “Chris shook my hand” YB said to me “he did?” I frowned “yeah, I was walking, and he was there, and he come to me, we shook hands, that was it. But he seems calm I don’t know, what if he comes over” taking in a deep breath but then I stopped talking because Oakley category right now “I hate this shit man” he said “stop it, forever complaining” I mumbled “I know but it’s a waste of time, like yeah. Your dumb uncle will win it” I shook my head smiling, he needs to stop now. It would be nice if he did win it, be different really actually “and the winner is” Drake said “this is my guy, I love his sound. We been in the studio together. Central Cee, where you at boy” my eyes widened in shock looking at him “what?” he just said confused “you won!” I spat getting up, he hid his face in embarrassment “oh no” he got up, hugging him “I am so proud of you” pressing a kiss to his lips as Wadz and YB hugged him, I feel emotional for him, he actually won it. Sitting back down but then I got yanked back up, I am being dragged down the aisle “oh god” I said, I was not prepared to go up here with him, walking up the steps “best guy won, you won!” Drake said to Oakley, I didn’t want to be here, let me hide behind YB but then Drake hugged me “congratulations, oh man I remember when you was so tiny and now look” I laughed, I just want to hide right now “erm yeah, thank you. I wasn’t really expecting to win, it’s just a shock to me right now. Thank you to everyone that believed in me, to be in this position. I am just a regular guy from West London, and I am here, my wife. My team, my sons, my biggest supporter Aziel, you home watching. I love you and yeah, my wife. I love you, I am grateful, thank you” clapping my hands, he is so cute and now is red. He held my hand as we walked off “was that shit?” he said to me which made me laugh “nah, you did well” for him, he did well because he doesn’t like this.
Me and Wadz just looked at each other laughing, he won the second award “thank you, oh man. I just, it’s a lot for me. Erm yeah, my fans, I didn’t mention that at first. You all have been loyal to me so thank you. Pops you not here, but I made it more then you ever envisioned, my mom this one for you, put it up next to the school picture of me” Oakley laughed. he hates this so much; I am giggling as he walked off in a huff. Following behind him “social battery dead now” Wadz said to me “he done now” he gave the award back and looked at me “you did so well, two fucking awards!” I spat “thank you” he said “thank you Wadz, like I know I can be a lot” I shook my head “you did well, we need to celebrate now” which we do “we do now” my parents are backstage, I swallowed hard as they walked over to us. Oakley looked to where I am staring, he turned around to face them and Tion then stood in front of Oakley because if my dad starts “Rylee” my dad said, staring into my dad’ eyes “no place to start anything” Tion said “let’s just be civil, it’s public” my dad is looking at Oakley “you really the man of the house now, but you finally got a family. A home, peace. I am happy for you, and Rylee. Please give us the chance to see you again, I am not starting anything, we aren’t. I just want to hug you, but I can’t here, too many eyes. Just let us have this with you. I promise you I am not touching him or anyone” he says that but switches “Rylee life is too short, please. Think about it” my mom added but they both walked off “I thought Oakley head was about to be rolling there” Wadz said, I assumed so too “nah but you puffed your chest out, look at this guy” Wadz laughed at Oakley “I tried you know” shaking my head at Oakley, he is so dumb sometimes “I think I will go there alone, you just stay here” I said to him “you sure? I said this is on you, I am not holding you back at all, if you want to see them then you can, let me come” I shook my head “let me just see them alone, I will be back” he pressed a kiss to my lips “alright, Tion go with her. Let’s go and sit with her” I just need to test it out. Following behind them and my dad did look back, it’s like he knew my footsteps “my twin” my dad just came at me so quick like he just ran into me and hugged me “dad” I said and choked out, I don’t want to cry because of my makeup “oh my god” my dad said in my ear, wrapping my arms around him “you know how much I love you; you know this. Why” he said to me “dad, you didn’t love me enough to stop. Everyone never stopped, everything was a game. My future wasn’t that, we didn’t know peace and always on edge, dad I was never at peace, you didn’t stop, the both of you” he never did stop.
I didn’t want to cry backstage but here we are “my makeup” I said to Tion “oh just a little black stuff here, I mean it’s ok for now” I laughed “thanks” men are useless “we didn’t think you would see us now” my mom said “I rather do it alone, without him there because then it’s me feeling uncomfortable that he is going to be attacked, I am always the one having to be between it, and if anything is said it can be at me. Because it was all me, I stopped all communication, I did it. He just went with what I wanted because it’s to make me happy and honestly I have been very happy, I miss you all. I do. I mean you all are crazy, but I miss it, but I didn’t want to enter my marriage and my wedding knowing that mom could bring up she did it, that dad brings up he slept with me young, that he took me away and he feels this disdain towards him. When mom, you didn’t pay my fiancé his money, you may claim to slip of mind, but you knew, he didn’t say anything, but he knew. And then the thing happened with dad, and then more so the fact he will do it when he wants, I had to choose. And I assumed you would have all done it for me, but you didn’t. So if you are going to blame anyone, then it’s me. And I am sure you both already knew that” my dad nodded his head “when I found out, I knew it would be you, but you took two years away from us, and Aziel” nodding my head slowly “I know and he asks about you all nearly every day, even more now we are in LA, he thinks you both going to come in. I know, he suffered” my dad put his head down “come and see us, just us. Please” my mom said “I will speak to Oakley, I better go now” I need to fix my makeup, I bet I look crazy “I am happy that you look happy, you look like have you grown up” my mom said “I am a mother and a wife now, I think I needed to change” I laughed, I think I have changed, I am not sure but we have to grow up at some point.
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About My Webcomic’s Age rating..
Random but I feel like I need to state it somewhere: My webcomic target audience is not for teens or minors, its for fellow adults like myself. (18+) I am aware that the story doesn’t really imply this right away- also I am currently not that good at drawing gore. (chapter 1 has a supposed gore scare) And it currently does not have any of these themes right of the bat as I’m still slowly introducing some characters and world elements when the story unfolds.
More mature themes will pop up at some point and there will be a maturity warning from that point on.
Being online all the time you sometimes forget that when you were a kid yourself you’ve explored similar things only to find out the author did not intend for you to be a part of that audience.. It’s really awkward for me if kids ever try to interact with me based on my story, if they claim to enjoy it- Uhhhhhhh this stuff gonna have some adult things in it. Like, psychological stuff, some characters have depression, and characters may have romances. I really don’t want to spoiler.
Majority of characters I write are adults (about 99%), I don’t feel super comfortable writing teens or kids. One of the characters was supposed to be canonically underage (Vale, which hasn’t popped up yet) but he was 17, so I might as well make him 19, because his attitude wouldn’t change much. (18 is considered adult here in my country, but I do feel like 20 or 21 is safer, my youngest characters tend to be around 18 or 19.)
Since I read comics myself, it does help me study up on how to depict things tastefully, but I’ve also gained an interest in the macabre side, so the gore might eventually improve and look less cartoon-ish. It is still early on in the story, so my style hadn’t really been an issue before, but since its superheroes It might seem age friendly at first; trust me, that is not my goal. Things are going to happen.
There’s also the concern that I may have to censor things for Webtoons, while Tapas doesn’t mind much. There’s a very obvious double standard at times, because I’ve seen things on webtoon originals AND canvas that would at times get censored depending on the user. It’s likely an art style thing too, but I don’t want to do very cartoony violence. I want people to feel like things are tough when they read more tense moments. To worry for characters.
akjskfhkhkh Anyway tldr: my comic is not intended to be read by kids. Yes, 16 year olds included. Kids kinda scare me online, I want to say ‘’DNI’’ but people get mad when you do that?? I also don’t want to be rude to them. Just understand boundaries, please. I’m a very awkward person and I rather interact with other adults.
I’m 25, I’m tired 24/7. *explodes*
As for the next update; a pov switch which introduces a side character, but also has a lot of dialogue. I haven’t been able to work on it yet due health stuff popping up (chronic pain is a bitch) I need to make a small refsheet and then do thumbnails. Soon~ I’m excited to continue and get into it. The Mangaka software on Steam helps with building environments for the backgrounds. Clipstudio’s shading assist also helps me improve the quality of the panels.
Addendum/spoiler for ch1 just in case: Hills, being a typical 36 year old, assumes people’s ages. This is seen in the end of chapter 1. Riel wears a mask, his eyes are kind of ‘’youthful’’ I suppose, so he’s sometimes assumed to be a teen- typically 20-25 year olds are mistaken for teens if they have a youthful appearance- COUGH as a twink IRL- people keep thinking I’m youthful. Riel’s ‘’infant’’ note is there to imply that Hills is an infant compared to him age wise. In case someone out there missed that. As this happens to me a lot, I thought it would be a fun joke.
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Coffee Masterlist
a hug in a mug (ao3) - allsassnoclass ashton/calum T, 3k
Summary: Ashton owns a coffee shop. Calum comes in every day to order a coffee, but never drinks it.
cake topics (ao3) - galacticsugar luke/calum E, 39k
Summary: Every morning that week, Calum goes back to the bakery, collects his lemon bar, and sets up on the terrace with his laptop.
And every morning that week, he sees the tall guy with off duty model vibes, right around the same time, always carrying his iced coffee, always wearing a leather jacket. Since he’s all the way across the street, Calum doesn’t really get a good look at him beyond basic shapes, so the off duty model thing is based entirely on his build and the fact that he looks sort of effortlessly put together with his leather jacket and casual sneakers.
That’s probably why Calum waves like a maniac and blurts, “Hey buddy!” when he comes face to face with the guy when he’s in line for his lemon bar the following Monday morning.
Coffee (ao3) - coolbabyblue michael/luke T, 8k
Summary: Luke lives for being a barista, practicing his latte art in between college classes, studying everyone who orders anything in the small café like he were planning an essay on them all, trying to charm his way into the hearts of every customer.
When a red haired guy enters his workplace with his two parents looking rather gloomy, he makes it his own personal goal to make him feel alright.
Coffee Boy (ao3) - Jay_isnotokay michael/calum, luke/ashton M, 12k
Summary: Calum Hood has a crush on a barista, plenty of coffee making ensues.
Coffee Eyes (ao3) - 1loulu5 michael/calum M, 1k
Summary: Michael has a stalker.
Coffee Shop Soundtrack (ao3) - FayeHunter luke/ashton G, 1k
Summary: Luke just wishes the barista would stop writing terrible pick up lines on the coffee sleeve and ask him out already
convenience store on oak street (ao3) - lifewasradical luke/calum T, 3k
Summary: “I’m sorry man, breakups can be so fucking hard,” Ashton says, leaning on the counter as he presses buttons on the register. His eyes have heavy bags under them, like he’s got a lot weighing on his mind.
Luke pauses, mouth falling open slightly. Breakups? He hasn’t broken up with anyone. He starts to correct Ashton but again, he’s being spoken over before he can really get another word out.
“I get it, I just broke up with my girlfriend recently too and it sucks, I really thought her and I were in it forever. But I guess sometimes you just don’t know where someone else’s head is at until it’s too late. I mean fuck, I never would have thought you and Cal would break up! You guys were together forever, right? It feels so shitty to have your world changed so quickly. I mean hell, you were standing over at the milk fridge for a while, I bet it must be weird to suddenly be buying a smaller jug instead of the gallon now.” He pauses, sniffling once. “That’ll be $2.50.”
espresso hues (ao3) - kaliedoscopeminds luke/calum T, 4k
Summary: It’s not until he’s pulling into his own drive ten minutes later that he glances back down at his drink and is fairly horrified by the ghostly sight that meets him. His four-shot latte is a hideous shade of almost grey. Who the fuck made this latte and thought it was appropriate to serve to him? Calum sighs and lets himself into the house. He might have met a hot Starbucks employee called Luke, but he’s got an extremely feeble latte in return.
fate lines (ao3) - kaleidoscopeminds luke/calum E, 44k
Summary: Calum makes decisions based on things that happen, and his life is a result of his series of choices, not some higher power pulling the strings. But there’s always an anomaly to the rule. To be discounted if looking at a trend, but there for a reason.
Luke Hemmings is Calum’s anomaly.
Because one thing Calum does know for sure. He met Luke Hemmings for a reason. He’s just never been sure what that reason is.
in the in between (ao3) - galacticsugar luke/calum M, 32k
Summary: “What the fuck is this?”
It’s pretty much Luke’s first full spoken-in-person-sentence to Calum in months.
It’s his first sentence to Calum in months, and he’s yelling it in the middle of his driveway at seven in the morning, while a dog yelps back at him from down the street. It’s perfect.
“I thought you said you wanted iced coffee,” Calum replies defensively, consciously diverting his eyes away from Luke’s face because it’s the only way he can be sure he’s not staring. He needs to act normal, but he can’t remember exactly what acting normal around Luke actually entails. Probably not constantly shifting his eyes around like he’s possessed. He forces his eyes back to Luke’s face before Luke goes off in search of a priest skilled in exorcisms.
Karma’s a Relaxing Thought (Aren’t You Envious That for You It’s Not?) (ao3) - Anonymous luke/ashton E, 2k
Summary: Ashton sighs again, “No. It was me trying to be discreet. But I guess that failed.” He drums his fingers on his thigh in thought. “It was sexual, Luke. In fact, it was a wet dream - I had a fucking wet dream.” In his neurodivergent trainwreck of a brain, Ashton believes that truth is embarrassing. He shouldn’t feel ashamed or have any kind of negative sentiment, yet he does.
(Or where Ashton has a wet dream and tells Luke all about it. Luke makes it a reality.)
Line Work (ao3) - ashtonhours (heartandmindxx) luke/ashton, michael/calum M, 21k
Summary: Ashton Irwin, 07/07/94, no known medical conditions and not under the influence of drugs or alcohol – and originally from Sydney, as it turns out – is looking to get a bird on his neck.
“A California condor,” he says for about the twelfth time, “on my nape.”
a story about boundaries, trust, and a line in the sand.
taking flight (ao3) - strxngersagain luke/calum G, 5k
Summary: Luke likes routine. He likes getting up every morning in his tiny apartment he shares with Michael and getting the same train to the airport every morning. He likes going to the dive bar on Hunter Street on fridays with his friends. He likes his routine.
Luke works at Starbucks at Sydney International Airport. Calum is a security guard at the same airport. Luke spends most of his mornings looking forward to when Calum comes for a coffee on his break. Calum spends most of his mornings looking forward to when he gets to see Luke on his break.
The Playground (ao3) - 1loulu5 luke/calum, luke/omc M, 1k
Summary: Luke needs to move on, but he can't.
Twice As Much Isn't Twice As Good (ao3) - FayeHunter michael/ashton T, 1k
Summary: Michael's pretty sure this much coffee can't be good for the cute law student coming into the coffee shop
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I have reread Boy Blue almost three times now. You are such a talented writer!! I hope this message dont bother you but I have two sorta fun questions:
1. When I watch Rainy Days, for some reason I feel like it's super Boy Blue-coded (?) Like idk, the ambiance, the moodiness, the yearning. What era / mv BTS you associate with Boy Blue characters (if any)? Or you can also answer for Collateral, whichever you want!
2. When you write a story, do you begin with like knowing how it's gonna end first or do you build a rough outline of events and then decide the ending? All the endings (if you can call it that) in Boy Blue and Collateral have been so unpredictable (literally I could NOT guess how it was going to end) so I'm just interested. Btw I'm not a writer so I'm sorry if this is a weird question!
P.s: i'm glad I didnt trust Yoongi in Boy Blue hehehe
Thank you so much for writing again and sorry for the long message!
ANON HELLOOO!!! 😍
THREE TIMES that’s wild wow thank you so much!!! (the chapters are pretty quick hehe but still wow!!!) this doesn’t bother me one bit, i’m very excited to respond to these! this is going to be a VERY LONG response hehe enjoy.
this response will contain spoilers, for anyone who hasn’t read these fics!
1. i get such big Boy Blue vibes from Rainy Days Tae!!! both in the way he is burying himself in the art (idk i get this obsessive vibe tbh) and also with how 😐 stoic and serious he seems through a lot of it. i see Boy Blue Taehyung trying so hard to distract himself but all he can see is someone’s face/likeness and he needs to paint it and carve it and build it somehow. and yes, definitely the ambiance and yearning!!! i will definitely be making it his personality in White Lies haha.
originally, i wasn’t really associating their personalities with any era, but Boy Blue Taehyung maybe had hints of Stigma performances (especially with blue hair, of course.) Yoongi and his boys i just imagined in like a Velvet Goldmine crossover almost, and Jungkook was if My Time were a little more punk (and a little more whiny haha.) (Namjoon and Seokjin didn’t really have development lol sorry boys!)
for Collateral, Yoongi was originally from That That, and the others came from any number of eras (Butter maybe, Proof at times.) but because these roles don’t really fit the guys normally, it’s all kind of all over the place and i don’t really imagine them from specific eras (i have been more or less keeping Yoongi current throughout Collateral and using more recent descriptions and images every time, with the exception of some mood boards.) sometimes my mind goes to Weverse magazine shoots, especially 2020 and 2022.
2. i almost never plot things out when i start, which was the case for Boy Blue and Collateral lol. i did sort of plan the ending of Boy Blue by the time Yoongi was introduced but i was still playing around with various ideas. (glad you didn’t trust him tho bc i made him obsessive and weird like immediately and it felt like nobody really caught that??? there were hints of his involvement throughout, tho, because i always loosely wanted that to be a plot twist. In the basement, when Yoongi says, “This wasn’t supposed to happen” what he means is “This isn’t how we planned it.” and even in earlier chapters when they are first captured, his behavior is erratic because he is upset with Taehyung, especially for having a gun.)
i finally wrote an outline for how i wanted to end Boy Blue somewhere around chapter 40. i was like “ok, we need to end this fic, it’s been going on for a long time now.” i think around 42 is when i had the ending completely figured out. most of Boy Blue was the product of me just logging out of class and creating chaos.
Collateral got an outline in chapter 12, and boy howdy, has it changed a lot. i don’t think think i had the actual ending set in stone until chapter 15. i think that was the point when i decided that in order for this story to get the ending i wanted, i needed to plan a sequel, and i slid Balming Tiger into the story.
THESE ARE PROBABLY WAY MORE WORDS THAN YOU BARGAINED FOR but i get really excited to talk about my fics, so thank you for giving me something fun and thoughtful to wake up to! feel free to ask more questions if you would like to! i am an open book!!! 💙💙💙 and thank you so much for reading!!!
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Awful Day 1/22/23
Just an awful day. It’s hard to really say what happened but i guess i have to in this journal. Basically ESTJ touched a shittier artists work last year. He edited it to make it look good and the design was completely changed. However the artist complained we couldn’t use it and i was kind of neutral but ESTJ was pissed. The whole thing looked like a redraw with a lot of design changes but a bunch of shit artists just kind of piled on us. I told one off. However i feel like ESTJ just went nuts on them. Then i unleashed a wall of text and nobody really responded. Nothing ever changes in the server. However 2 members messaged me concerned over my mental health. Saying i was obsessing over the server and my art and i should step down as moderator. It was hard to stomach, especially how cold and awkward both kind of got.
But i can’t. Nobody is as good as me. Anyways i feel better after doing 2 ballet workouts. However i felt so much awful dread today. Just so much on and off crying. I probably cried around 5 times i just couldn’t let it go. My soul and emotions hurt so much because nobody knew how much i worked. However i will try and do more to improve my life. Maybe this is a little of a wake up call to get more work life balance. My art should be for fun more than work. But it hasn’t been fun in a long time. Just sometimes feels silly how i obsess over these pixel anime girls. Somedays it just feels like the world will end if i don’t try with them. Even with my reading i just felt so much dread, I kept seeing these horrible things in my mind like demonized beasts and people wondering around these fields feral and stupid. It was just kind of scary and i didn’t like it. But my mind sends me such bad things when i’m upset. I’m thinking again about traveling and engaging with my own life more after Las Vegas. I hope it pans out after i do a good research session.
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corruption w dom jimin and he’s just so condescending and mocking the reader :[
Btw ur writing is amazing ty ily
I love how you put the ' :[ ' right after lmao what a mood. tysm and ilyt anon ♥
I apologize in advance if this isn't condescending/mocking enough! But nevertheless, I hope this will still make yall feel da tingles.
~
Jimin was part of an underground Kendo team, has a black belt in it, and loves to drive people nuts with his intense skills and passion for martial arts. He was a man of determination and focus, for when he gets in the zone of things, he tends to cut everything off. That's how he won so many championships.
But the day that you discovered their secret little hideout, things have changed for Jimin.
He keeps being distracted by your beauty, not after so many years of just pure training and dedicating his time to Kendo. You were so different than him; an incredibly sweet, kind, and innocent lady that seemed so lost after accidentally stumbling into the hideout. And he always looks intimidating and had a resting bitch face, his eyes seeming so frightening whenever they land on someone else's.
Although, that's beside the point. Because of your adorable aspects, Jimin knew that he had to get you.
Fast forward to a couple months, you and Jimin were the best of friends. He was an easy man to hang out with, and all experiences with him were never dull. He knows how to please you, and he puts you first before any other.
But what you did not know, though, is that he has a hidden side to his persona.
Today, you and Jimin were the only ones in the gym. You were analyzing the display of swords on the other side, and you can see on the giant mirror wall that Jimin was approaching you.
"You look really pretty," he murmurs, glancing at you through the mirror, eyeing your body up and down. "Why did you dress up today?"
You still weren't used to his sometimes straightforward nature. Your cheeks heat up, attempting to answer without fumbling over your words, "I'm only wearing a blouse and a skirt, Jimin. What are you on about?"
"Nothing," he smirks, going up behind you. He takes your breath away when he suddenly gives you a firm back hug. "I like your skirt."
"Oh?"
"Yup. It's a little..." his face contorts into a somewhat disagreeing expression, "it's a little bit short though. You really decided to walk around wearing those?"
"Jimin!" you hold his hands that were clasped together in front of you. "that's mean."
Jimin holds back a chuckle. The tone in his voice changes, and a more sexy and sultry aura radiates out of him, "Mean? That's already mean for you?" Jimin pauses and scoffs, "you still have a lot to learn about me, then."
Your hair swooshes when he flips your body around to look at him. He locks his eyes on your lips, down your body, then back to your shimmering eyes.
"I'm just saying the truth, Y/n. Was it your intention to wear such a short skirt so that I can practically see your ass cheeks, huh?"
"Jimin—!" you squeal, covering your embarrassment but he doesn't stop teasing you.
"Was it your intention to turn me on, baby girl?"
You were dead silent after that, feeling your heart rate quicken as his hands slowly caress your back, down to your clothed butt. "Awh," he chuckles, "look at you. I barely talked dirty and you're already a blushing mess."
Jimin raises the flimsy cloth of your skirt up to immediately squeeze your bare butt. You whimper from his action. "I can see your nipples growing hard through that blouse, Y/n. You're enjoying this aren't you?"
"Yeah," you meekly respond, your eyes prying away from his strong gaze.
He towers over you until your back hits the nearest wall, corning yourself. Jimin now has full control over you, and the thought of making you submit to him feeds onto his primitive desires.
"You're scared? Don't be scared, baby," Jimin fake pouts, "look at you, biting your lip. You don't know how much you drive me mad just by looking at me like that with those innocent eyes."
"Please," you whisper to him, "Jimin, I-I feel something."
He puts his hand on your hips, his knee slowly making its way in between your legs. "What do you feel, huh? Is it your pussy aching for friction? Do you want this?" He rubs your core through the layers of clothes, making you mewl in desperation. You nod your head yes.
"Oh yeah? My pretty little girl wants something to rub her needy pussy? Aww, baby," he muses, "Look at you, who would've thought that an innocent baby girl like you would do this for someone she'd barely known for a year? Are you the type to fuck and run, Y/n? Huh?"
You don't even know what that means!
Jimin reaches down to feel how wet you are through your panties, and he laughs at the results. "Oh my god," his fingers graze up and down your slit, making your legs buck and feel your knees slowly giving up. "I've barely touched you and you're so wet. You a virgin, baby girl? This cunt hasn't felt any pleasure in so long from how soaked you are, huh?"
Feeling a new sense of desperation, you try to grind against his hand, wanting more, but this only resulted in him slapping your cunt. You jump from the sudden impact, whimpering out loud like a puppy.
"Bad girl," he mutters, "Oh, baby girl. If you're mine I would've trained and taught you how to be such an obedient little pet. Not a dirty, rash little girl." Jimin clicks his tongue after you hang your head down in shame, "No. Look at me. Damn, you're so fucking shy. You can do better than that, right? You can act like a fucking adult and take what I give you?"
Jimin's hand sneaks up your blouse to grab your boob, your hard nipples brushing against his palm as you release another moan. "Shit, even a simple touch can make you wild."
Without anticipating it, he steals a kiss directly on the tip of your nose. "You are so freaking cute," he says right after, "so cute that I wanna destroy your pussy and taint your fucking soft attitude until my cock is the only thing you want in your life."
~
kinda lost control with this drabble's backstory lmao it's like a whole plot to a fanfic.................
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