#i shouldnt. at least not this week. but like its under my skin now and i cant control my attention | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

oblivious-embodied · 4 years

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Sneak Peak to Chapter 2 of my ML ReWrite AU (unfinished)

“Claws Out?” Adrienne watches as Plagg spaghettifies as the tiny cat gets sucked toward the ring on her finger, and when Plagg makes contact, there is a blinding, green flash of light.

When she regains her bearings, she looks down at her hand and holds back a gasp.

Not only is her hand covered in a black substance, but her entire body is too! And the ring, the Black Cat Miraculous as it’s called, it’s all black, with a neon green paw print on the face.

Looking at the rest of her body, she notes that she’s got bulbous things (possibly guards or safety features?) on her wrists. Tthere seems to be some padding that has been riveted to her forearm, as well as on her shoulders.

There’s some black tubing running diagonally inward toward her heart from the middle of her deltoid to just above her peck, back down under her arm, up to her shoulderblade and back to her deltoid.

She’s got a zipper up the front of her chest, with a bell hanging off the zipper lever. She’s got some pockets too!

A black belt is wrapped around her waist that wraps around itself on the back to become tail-like, and it swings in lazy curls. Like a cat’s tail would. It seems almost curious in the way it curls in on itself, hesitating to touch Adrienne’s body.

She’s got some sort of steel-toed boots, but they’re skin tight and the steel toes are incredibly large and resemble cat paws.

Adrienne pokes the substance covering her skin curiously and bites back a yelp when a claw shoots from her finger, bouncing off the body suit before retracting. “Plaaaaaaaaaagg?” Adrienne calls out cautiously, unable to take her eyes of the suit that is laying on her body.

When she hears no response from the genie-kwami-cat, Adrienne takes a look into the mirror and her eyes blow wide as she tilts her head in curiousity.

Her hair has become longer by a good 2 inches, at least, and has become the literal embodiment of “bed-head” hair. It also seems to have a slight green hue to it. If her father ever saw her hair like this, he would ground her for a week and send her through a week and a half long powerpoint lecture of model hair care.

Again.

Then, when the initial shock of the new look wears off, she notices something that makes her heart warm. The new hairstyle frames her face incredibly well, it makes her almost want to look at her face. Makes her want to be happy looking at her face.

She’s… never really liked looking at her face. It never looked right. It was never what she thought, what she felt her face should look like. Even when she was a kid, something was off.

She’s still in the same body, the same wrong, male body, but it feels so much better than before. And she has absolutely no idea why.

What makes her smile even wider are the cat ears sitting atop her head. They’re small and cute and absolutely adorable and the way they smoosh the hair underneath them makes them look all that much cuter.

Then, she makes eye contact with herself and is instantly mezmerized by the neon green cat eyes sitting where her human eyes should be, framed by a black domino mask.

She tilts her head to the right, to the left, she spins around and around and around and the eyes in the reflection still follow her.

Then she realizes that those eyes in the reflection are hers.

Taking a shaky breath, Adrienne takes a moment to calm down. Plagg said that he-- it??-- can grant her the power of... destruction was it? She can’t remember.

But Plagg also said that she’ll have a partner, “the wielder of Creation”, whatever that means. She should go find her partner.

Shaking her head, Adrienne takes a closer look at this new suit-clothing-thing covering her body, (it reminds her of that american superhero comic villian, she believes the name to be Venom? She’ll have to read up on it again) and determines it to be some sort of leather based off the way the material has subtle spiderweb cracks in it. And the way it smells.

It’s a weird smell. She’s smelled leather before, the musty, almost new car like smell, but this is different. It almost burns her nose to smell. And… cheese?

Shaking her head again, she takes a step back and straightens up, (when had she been hunched over? Father would kill her for having such horrible posture!) and lets out a low moan as her entire body *Cracks* and somehow she feels incredibly energetic. Like she could run the whole of the Périphérique twice over in an hour and not be out of breath!

Taking a moment, she quickly calculates that running the Peripherique twice over in less than an hour would mean she could steadily run at 72 kilometers per hour, which means she could run even faster!

And if she thinks she can do this *easily* that means that she can go even *faster!*

Watch out Paris, there’s a new thing coming to town, and she is *fast.*

...And strangely cat themed.

Adrienne rolls her shoulders and finds that her entire body flows with it, like she’s dancing to a rhythm her brain has yet to register.

As she bounces up and down a little bit, she notices that the soreness she feels in her shoulders, heck her entire body, that is usully there due to her job as a model for Agreste Fashions, is no longer there.

Usually that only happens after a long nice massage.

This is so strange.

She rolls her head and works her jaw, which makes a popping sound in her ears and-

*crack!*

“*Ow!* That *hurt*” she cries out, slapping her hands over her ears in an attempt to keep the pain away, falling to her knees as she does so.

Then all the noises flood her ears.

She curls inward on herself, clutching her ears with tears in her tightly shut eyes as she can *hear* the electricity from the tv, the computers, the security system, the arcade games, her phone, from Everything in her goddamn *house*.

She can hear the clicking of Nathalie’s keyboard, the breaths she takes, the footsteps of the kitchen staff. She can hear the electronic ringing of the lightbulbs, the honking from cars that comes from every concievable direction. She can hear the slamming of doors, shattering glass, the shrieking of metal, crumbling of concrete, cracking of bones and-

She screams, curling even tighter in on herself, which only makes her ears hurt more, but it’s something to keep her mind off of the Noise of Everything Else. She takes deep breaths, trying desperately to calm her rapidly beating heart (which she can *hear*) and her muddled thoughts.

After a few seconds, she somehow manages to pick out the rapidly approaching footsteps from the utter cacophony of sounds drowinging her senses, and panics. She screamed bloody murder in her own house, of course people would come look for her.

She looks her door. If they open that door, Nathalie will rush in. Nathalie wont recognize her, they’ll attack and she’d be the worst hero to ever exist.

She’d also get attacked by at least 6 grown adults, and possibly charged with something, and grounded and all that.

She scrambles upward on wobbly limbs, trying to block out everything she can hear, and frantically looks around her room for something to do.

Then her eyes lock on the window.

And Adrienne does the only sensible thing.

She jumps through the window, sailing through the tempered glass (tempered. Frickin. glass.) and onto another rooftop across the street where she stumbles behind a chimney.

She didn’t even get cut. There is not a single cut on her body. What the hell *is* this thing?

After a minute, when she’s finally calm enough to not be in a state of utter shock, she registers something hitting her leg and looks to see what it is.

What she finds is a silver cylinder about 26 centimeters long, with a green paw on it, like her ring.

With a curious tilt of her head, she unclips the cylinder from her belt with one hand, keeping her other hand to her ear to try to block out the noises wreaking havok on her ears. She finds that the neon green paw print on the cylinder is flickering like a lightbulb about to blow.

She squints at the paw print, her eyesight slightly blurry from overwhelming noises, and with a half baked theory in mind, she puts the paw on her ring to the paw on the silver cylinder.

….Nothing happens.

Disappointed, she grabs the cylinder in both hands and glares at it.

“What do I do with you…?” she grumbles as she squints even harder at it.

…That big pad in the middle looks like a button. Buttons are meant to be pushed.

It looks like a very pushable button. She should push it.

Her right thumb twitches, but she doesnt make any moves to push the pad.

It’s a simple display, it wont do anything if she pushes it. She shouldnt touch it. It wont satisfy anything.

But she wants to.

With the way the light catches on it, its like it’s daring her to push it.

Which makes her want to 1) not push it out of spite, and 2) push it to mess with it.

She takes a moment to pause and reflect on her thoughts. Is she going insane? Is she so overwhelmed that she’s literally fighting herself on touching a simple paw print display?

...yes, yes she is.

And without any futher diliberation, she touches her thumb to the paw pad.

And promptly *shrieks* as the cylinder, which was previously only about 26 centimeters long, is suddenly *a meter and a half long*, making her jump back, slamming her head into the bricks (which does *not* help her headache) behind her and throw the cylinder thing, which, admittedly, is now more like a pole, onto a rooftop across the street.

After another minute of deep breaths, she looks behind herself (she’s certain she slammed her head into the bricks, why isnt her head hurting? Well, aside from the intense headache) to the chimney and balks at sight of *shattered brick* in the shape of her head. Her hands shoot to the back of her head and 1) finds it doesn’t hurt to touch and 2) there is no blood whatsoever.

She isn’t even wearing a helmet, or a hood or anything, how is she not bleeding?

If she hit that chimney with enough force to *shatter brick*, she should have a major concussion, and be knocked out cold, but *apparently* the little cat-genie names Plagg forgot to mention a few things.

If she can survive shattering bricks with her head and soaring through tempered glass, that means that her suit likely has some sort of kinetic energy absorbing properties. But it still doesn’t explain why the back of her head, which is completely unprotected, is unscathed.

It also doesn’t explain how she was able to slam her head into a brick chimney and shatter brick.

She needs to talk to Plagg about a lot of things once this is over.

...What is she supposed to do again? Go find her partner?

That seems like the best option.

Adrienne turns around to look for the silver cylinder/pole, but slaps a hand to hert forehead when she remembers that it’s on a rooftop across the street.

…Maybe she can jump the gap?

How’d she get into this mess?

————

Once Marinette can see again, she’s left dumbstruck, staring at her eyes and hair.

She... her eyes are blue now, a vibrant, light blue. A very, very captivating light blue. As blue as a clear summer sky. And the red and black polka dotted domino mask framing her eyes only serves to make her eyes stand out that much more.

She doesn’t like it. She wants her normal eyes back.

And her hair... it’s blue. Her black hair has been replaced with navy blue hair, as black at the midnight sky, as though someone had dyed it in the split second she closed her eyes. She finds that it’s been tied up in her regular pig tails, but the hair ties are long red ribbons. They don’t seem like the most effective way of holding her hair up, anyone could grab hold and yank them out.

She tentatively looks down at the rest of her body and is horrified to find that she’s wearing a ladybug styled *onesie*.

...Maybe she was knocked out and it’s now the future where girls wear skintight, ladybug patterned onesies and have blue hair and wear domino masks and everyone has been genetically modified to have blue eyes and-

Gods she needs to calm down.

Taking frantic breaths, she starts to rub her thumb in circles along her palm, focusing on the feeling of her thumb on her palm, imagining the tingling sensation that usually is the result of the action. She’s okay, she’s safe, she isn’t hurt, she isn’t in pain, she just looks different. It’s all okay.

The world isn’t collapsing into utter chaos, nothing is wrong, she’s in control, she’s still Marinette, she’s okay.

After a few moments of repeating this mantra, Marinette calms down enough to register the screaming outside and has to bite down the bile threatening to rise up her throat.

There is a rampaging stone monster outside that is destroying buildings and property and monuments and is very likely- very likely hurting thousands of people. Not to mention, this means that she really *had* just been talking to a floating creature of an unknown race, unknown origins, made up of some sort of biomass that no one knows about, and this alien being can talk and can grant powers and all sorts of weird fairytale stuff, and is somehow able to conjure a suit made of magic that looks like a toddler wanted to dress like a ladybug for when they want to sleep and dream of flying.

…Wow, that- that sounds even crazier than waking up in a dystopian future where girls have been genetically modified to have blue hair and eyes.

She pinches at the suit, hoping to pinch herself, but doesn’t find any hold on it, her fingers sliding and slipping every which way, which irritates her beyond belief. *How in the world do you take this ^off?!^*

“Tikki?! Tikki, I want my clothes back!” She calls out to the alien-- kwami, the kwami, turning in place to look for the being she she getsno response. Marinette’s pinching becoming even more frantic as her heart rate starts to increase at the thought of not being able to take off the foreign suit.

When she spins around to look in the mirror once more, something catches her attention, stopping her in her tracks.

Around her waist rests a yo-yo.

A… yo-yo…

What in the world can anyone do with a *yo-yo*?

Why the hell does she have a yo-yo?

“Tikki, I’m not going anywhere like this-“

She cuts herself off as Nadja Chamack’s voice sounds from the news again, a hint of fear in her usually professional tone.

“After wrecking the Shcüttler Tower, the monster is heading toward the Montparnasse Tower. No matter what the police do, the monster is unstoppable.” As she says this last part, the camera zooms in on this rock monster, and some crazy person on a bike chasing after it- wait is that?

“Alya?!” Marinette leans in toward the screen in shock. “What’s she doing out there?!”

Marinette stares at the screen, dumbstruck as she tries to figure out how her new friend is so crazy, then she remembers what Alya had said just an hour before: *“Where there’s a super villain, there is always a superhero”*, her phone and in her hand.

Just as Marinette’s hand is flying to her forehead to leave a red mark in the shape of her palm, Marinette’s maman calls out, freezing her hand milimeters from her forehead. “Marinette! Did you get home okay?”

This sends Marinette into a state of panic, her arms and legs flailing around like a human amalgamation of medieval nunchucks, a strangles squeak escaping her throat.

When she is no longer doing her interpretation of a squid in a net, Marinette calls back to her maman, turning around frantically to find a place to avoid her maman, her voice cracking. “*Oh!* Yeah mom, just super!” She can’t help but wince as her voice quavers nervously as she her eyes lock onto her skylight and bolting towards it, her heart beating a thousand kilometers a minute.

Not half a second after she wriggles halfway through the skylight and onto her roof, the trap door to her room opens slightly and her Maman’s voice float’s through the room “Marinette, you in here?” Concern clear as day in her tone.

Marinette lays flat on the roof, holding her breath and pressing against the side of the wall to make sure her maman doesn’t see her in this ridiculous get up, solely so she doesn’t die of sheer embarrassment.

After a few seconds, her Maman calls down to her Papa, the trapdoor to Marinette’s room clicking softly “Tom! She isn’t here, you *do* remember seeing her come through, right?”

Marinette releases a sigh, her shoulders slumping as she turns to look up at the sky. It’s filled with dust clouds.

This is... the weirdest day to ever happen. Hopefully, oh *gods* she hopes that this is all a dream and she’ll wake up on the first day of school again.

How would anyone believe her if she were to tell them that someone got their hands on a piece of jewelry connected to a magical being, and now has the ability to sense and manipulate people’s *emotions* so that they can do their dirty work. That someone who was experiencing *normal human emotions* was turned into a literal rock monster that is unstoppable. How is she supposed to tell anyone that she, in her ladybug onesie, yo-yo, and apparent powers to create *anything* and a partner, who apparently has the powers of *destruction* are supposed to get this piece of jewelry back.

Oh wait, of course, how could she forget, she *can’t* tell anyone. And even if she wanted to, they’d just think she was crazy and throw her into a mental institution.

Granted, Marinette is pretty sure she has gone crazy.

All Marinette wants to do is lay down and sleep. Why can’t she just do that? Just lay down on this rooftop and close her eyes and let the world around her melt away.

Wake up tomorrow on the first day of school and only worry about Chloe being a bully, and not about all this ancient magic and manipulation and the fact that she’s one of the two people who have to take care of it.

Wait…

Suddenly, Marinette sits upright, eyes blown wide. She’s 13 years old! She just started her first year in college! She’s got a family! She can’t be dealing with magic and ancient rituals and evil guys who are likely looking to kill everyone and are in their 40’s and likely living in their mom’s basement because they prefer shouting at kids over the computer and what if her partner is an adult! Will they just laugh at her and pick her up and set her aside and treat her like a little kid who can’t do anything and possibly take whatever it is that’s in her ears?

How is she supposed to fight a fricking rock monster that’s 12 meters tall??

Especially with a fucking *yo-yo!*

She flops back down onto her back and lets out a noise that’s a rough cross of a frustrated, overwhelmed, depressed sob/sigh. Of course, of course this is her life. She gets stuck with Chloe for 4 years straight and the gods decide that that’s not good enough, so they stick her with this.

Maybe Chloe knocked her out and she’s in a coma and this is all just going to melt away and she can press charges against the bully and be done with her and move on in life?

But, she can hear the screaming of the people below, she knows that people are being hurt, really badly. No matter how badly she doesn’t want to, she has to go. If she was given this, if she was trusted with this, no matter how absolutely crazy that is, she needs to do this.

“Okay... okay, so I have… I have super powers, and I have to fight a super powered monster.” She sighs again. She was just supposed to have the first day of school, not some... some super power mash up battle!

She pulls the yo-yo from her waist and glares at it. This little thing is supposed to be her weapon. This little yo-yo that is only just barely large enough that she can’t fit her hand around it. This is going to keep her safe. Because that’s not unrealistic.

Experimentally she lets it fall down and back to her hand a few times. She was never really good with yo-yos before, so she isn’t really all that hopeful about her fighting skills with it, but it feels really smooth and light, she can barely feel the weight.

So far, it seems to be really easy to use. Maybe, maybe she could try that trick... around the world, was it?

She lets it fall to the ground once more, the zip of the line oddly satisfying, and moves her arm back and forth, getting a feel for how it feels while in motion. Then, she tries to swing it up, but instead of flying into her hand, it’is sent flying out to the horizon, a metallic zip resounding from the yo-yo, getting quieter and quieter.

For a second, Marinette just stares at it, then she hangs her head. Great, now how is she supposed to get it ba-

The string suddenly goes taught, as if the yo-yo has itself anchored around something.

She just stands there, staring at the now taught string in awe, her jaw open.

She reaches her other hand out to touch the string, and finds that it feels like a steel cable, strong and sturdy.

She has to try to get her yo-yo back, no point in wasting any more time.

She hesitantly takes a step back and takes a deep breath before gently pulling on the strin- She’s pulled off her feet, her arm burning at the shoulder, wind whipping past her ears, her eyes closed, and a yelp being ripped from her throat before it’s lost to the wind

Silently, Marinette thinks back through everything she’s ever done wrong and vows to make it all better. After a moment of praying to all the gods she can think of, she opens her eyes and… finds all the buildings rushing by to be soothing. It’s all beautiful in its own right. Like watching the countryside fly by while on a plane.

Marinette glances upwards again and whimpers as she realizes that she’s hurtling toward a stone pillar at speeds comparable to that of highway traffic. Panic rising through her entire being once more, Marinette attempts to twist herself out of the way, but soon realizes that that is completely useless as she is flung past the spot the yo-yo anchored itself to. But, by some strange miracle that is the universe’s sense of humor, the yo-yo unravels from the pillar, making it so that there is not a Marinette shaped pancake on the side of the pillar. A scream follows her as she flies through the air at speeds no teenager should ever be going without some way to be saved, the yo-yo trails behind like an overeager puppy.

As she is flying through the air, the ground growing ever closer, her screaming never ceasing, she sees a small, moving black figure. In the blink of an eye, though to her it feels like it is all in slow motion, she’s colliding with this figure, toppling them both to the ground.

They get halfway to the ground when something thin and strong wraps around them both and they’re snapped back upward, swinging side to side. Marinette finds herself looking into bright green eyes with cat-like pupils that have been blown as wide as a euro cent.

“Well, hey there! Nice of you to drop in!”

Immediately, Marinette finds every aspect of this person annoying. The voice, the tone, the eyes, the hair, the cat ears, the *puns*. She rolls her eyes and moans.

Wait, cat ears…

Of course, *of course* her partner ran with the whole animal theme. She just hopes that he isn’t a weirdo.

But the puns make it hard to think he’s sane in any sort of way.

She pulls her head back and looks over her partner, who looks to be a boy.

From the looks of things, he seems to have a better sense of style than Tikki does. His suit is all black, judging from the subtle cracks it seems to be leather. There are boulbous guard like… *things* on his wrists and ankles, but she honestly thinks they serve more as attachable weights than anything else. And, on point with the animal theme, he’s got a belt that seems to be some sort of tail.

But… he’s got a bell on his chest, a large one at that. Who would, who would choose to wear that? Especially with the style of his suit! It clashes so badly.

Shaking her head, she pushes her feelings aside. He’s her partner, she can’t be holding grudges. Especially ones based solely off of fashion. “I’m sorry, I didn’t do this on purpose.”

She looks into her partner's eyes and is astounded to see that he… looks lost and confused and slightly uncomfortable with her looking him over, despite how he sounded a second before. But that look is gone in a flash, replaced with the smugness of knowing one is attractive. Her cheeks heat up.

Not that he is attractive. Especially in that black leather and toned body. Not at all. Her cheeks are red because she’s embarrassed that he thinks she was doing *that*.

Their swinging is slowing down, and this boy, who based off of what Tikki has told her, is most likely the Black Cat wielder. He raises- lowers?-- quirks an eyebrow. Er, well, his mask moves in a way that suggests he is quirking an eyebrow. It’s hard to tell when you’re nose to nose with someone and swinging and upside down, and their face is covered by a black mask. “While I’m flattered at you checking me out,-”

“I- I wasn’t- that’s not-”

“I’m afraid I have to ask you to rein in your rope please?”

Marinette’s face is as hot as the sun, and she’s sure that she could power her house with the heat, her hands splaying out at her sides as she frantically tries to stop her arms from flailing around. “It’s not- this- i wasn’t-” she cuts herself off as his other eyebrow is quirked. She sighs, defeated. She isn’t going to be going anywhere with this conversation.

Looking away from his all-too-piercing eyes, she maneuvers her hand around to try to grab at the yo-yo string. But in her flustered state, it takes her a few tries to get her fingers around the thin string. Once she has a firm grip, she tugs on it and promptly realizes that she didn’t think this all the way through and both her and her partner find themselves falling toward the ground.

Marinette lands on her back, staring up at the sky, wondering what she did to the universe to deserve this treatment, all the while, the Black Cat wielder lands on all fours and stands up, dusting off his leather suit like he’s at some sort of high-end bachelor party. “I bet you’re the wielder of Creation that my kwami told me about! You know, my partner?”

“Oh, ah, yeah. Yeah, I guess I am. Who- what’s your name?” she stutters out, silently cursing the way her mouth absolutely refuses to cooperate with her tongue, still laying on her back, staring at the yo-yo silently swinging like a pendulum. Counting down the seconds until she dies from embarrassment. Absently wondering how the yo-yo managed to wrap around the… silver pole, that wasn’t there before! It must be her partner’s doing.

“Huh, oh, uhh.” He turns from her, a hand moving to his chin as he thinks with a near silent hum. This in turn gives her time to stand up and look more closely at him, absentmindedly trying to get her yo-yo back.

He’s standing with perfect posture, as though he has a stiff back, and his hair is sticking up all over the place. His suit looks like leather, but it has a subtle hexagonal pattern to it, so it’s clearly not leather. He looks to have some sort of padding riveted to his forearms.

He’s got some combat boots that are apparently as skin tight as the rest of his suit, and protruding from the boots are silver bulbs that resemble cat paws.

The belt she had seen before is wrapped around his waist, and is swinging behind his feet in little circles, like it’s excited and curious but doesn’t want to show it and it’s having a hard time concealing it. In her opinion, the tail is entirely too long, if it were completely flat, the last few decimeters would be laying flat on the ground.

His eyes are pure green, except for black, and his pupils have shrunk and look like cats pupils. A black domino mask frames his eyes, hiding his identity. Unlike hers, which only really covers her eyes and some of her forehead, his covers most of his forehead (or what you can see of his forehead) as well as the entirety of his nose aside from his nostrils.It only serves to make his eyes pop out more, makes them more unnerving. No human should have cat eyes.

Did his alien-kwami being thing change his eyes or is it the mask or is this just some weird fettish?

The black cat ears on his head look to be made of the same material as his suit, and they twitch agitatedly every now and then, his eyes twitching subtly-

“Chat!” He says, almost shouts, cutting off her thoughts as he whips around to face her, earning a squeak of surprise from Marinette. He’s bouncing ever so slightly in his place, hands balled into fists, like a little kid. “Chat Noir. My name is Chat Noir” He puffs his chest out, putting his hands on his hips, a smug grin on his lips.

He looks so proud of himself that she decides not to burst his bubble by commenting on how his name literally means “Black Cat”. All she can do is nod her head, and try to hold back her laughter while trying to untie her yo-yo from the metal pole she believes she toppled Chat from.

What is she going to do with her life…

“What’s yours?” He asks, leaning in towards her, teasing curiosity in his tone, his eyebrows wiggling.

“Oh, uh... I’m Ma-” she gives the line another tug and it springs from the bar, unwinding with unnatural speed. She watches in muted horror as it hits him on the head cutting her off as he lets out a yelp of pain. His cat ears go flat as his hands fly to his head.

“...Madly clumsy... I’m so clumsy...” she finishes as he furiously rubs the spot the yo-yo hit his head, crouched down low to the ground.

“Are you okay?” Marinette asks, reaching a hand out hesitantly.

“Yeah, I’m-“ He’s cut off from saying anything as an enraged roar rips through the air, accompanied by a building in the distance crumbling to the ground. Effectively startling them both, Chat Noir jumps a meter into the air, while Marinette’s arms flail as she jumps back. Soon after screams can be heard.

Marinette turns to her cat-like partner again, and is concerned to see him covering his ears with tears in his eyes.

“...Chat,” she starts cautiously, taking a step toward her partner. “Are-”

“S-seems we have momentarily forgotten the monster we are supposed to be fighting, no?” He cuts her off, his voice wavering while he struggles to stand upright. It looks like he’s in pain.

She reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder but jerks her hand back when he flinches. Shit, she hurt him with the yo-yo and now she’s touched him when he’s in pain, she should have known he doesn’t want to be touched, she usually doesn’t like to be touched when she’s in pain oh gods he hates her and he doesn't want to be her partner anymore- She knew this was a bad idea, she should have given the earrings to Alya, she would know what to do, she wouldn’t hurt her new partner.

Chat shakes his head and smiles at her, though it feels forced. He takes a moment to steady himself before he jumps up to grab onto the bar above them. After a second, the bar disappears and he falls to the ground again, a small, 26 centimeter cylinder in his hand.

He looks at her and nods toward where the screams are coming from. “C’mon, lets go save the day.” He looks better, but she can still see his eyes slightly shining, his ears are flat to his head and his tail is agitated.

He points the cylinder to the ground and moves his thumb and then Chat is over the rooftops, a 2 meter long pole where the silver cylinder used to be.

Leaving Marinette angry and confused, staring at her yo-yo. Why does he get a cool tool?

A second later, his head pops back up over the rooftop, his head tilted to the side, ears flopping with his head. “You coming, Clumsy Girl?”

“Y-Yeah, just give me a second.”

He nods and turns around.

Marinette furrows her brow. His attitude gives her pause, he’s coming off as... as cocky and flippant and just... he rubs her the wrong way. But he’s hiding something, something is off about his actions, and by the gods she will find out what it is.

Marinette brings her yo-yo up to look at. Such a small thing, not any feasible way to fight with it, except for like… flinging it at people and hoping she hits them? But she has crap aim.

Such a stupid weapon, and yet it carries with it such large responsibility and challenges. “Trust yourself...” she mutters to herself. “Just trust yourself.”

Reluctantly, she drops the yo-to to the ground, swinging it around to build momentum. As she’s staring at it, the red/pink blur it creates mesmerizes her... until another deafening roar meets her eardrums.

She shakes her head, and throws her arm out, slinging the yo-yo up and over the rooftops. “Just gotta trust yourself, Marinette.” She mutters once again before tugging on the string and is pulled through the air with another yelp.

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug fan fic #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #trans girl! adrienne #trans boy! marinette #wintertundra-art's trans au #my writing #miraculous rewrite #Origins #Sneak peak

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clsyrmth · 5 years

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a few days ago a friend of mine stick n poked me some tattoos. one of them stands for the first 8 cuts i ever made. the other, a triangle, for support of the lgbt community, and the last one is the box tattoo by the1975. the triangle is just under the cuts on my left arm. because the tat was new i was wearing just a shirt and i knew the cuts were visible but i honestly didnt even care anymore. i dont even know why cuz a week ago i wouldve freaked if anyone knew. my closest friends were there when my other friend made the box tat, the last one for that night. after my friends saw the cuts and made multiple questions about it (at least one of them) it was weird. one of my friends 'C' kept asking questions for about 20 minutes until she finally dropped it. i never answered one question, except the one: "what does the tattoo gun feel like?". i said "like cutting yourself". in the box i wanted to add the lyrics "there'll be a riot" and i asked my other friend 'E' to write the lyrics before the dude drowned my skin with more ink.... i will never forget the look on her face. she seemed like she didnt even want to touch me. scared i would break from the pain of it. its like she was afraid i would just fade away from how it felt and that her simple touch on my shoulder could make me lose it all. im scared i scared her away. making her treat me like a fragile human being, which i practically am, but i still want to be treated like they treated me before, cuz especially 'E' always made my day just a bit better. in the end its all my fault tho. i just shouldnt have shown my scars or answered 'C's question like that. now i probably scared them away and theyll stop talking to me too. it's what i deserve, too. they deserve so much better.

#selfharrrm #cutting #cut #deprecion #depris #idkhowmuchlonger

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magioftheseas · 6 years

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Day 1 - Reserve

Written for @the-hinata-project

Prompt: Reserve Course Student Hinata

Rating: G

Warnings: Lowkey manipulation and insecurity, but other than that, not much.

Notes: Alright, so I’m still in the middle of these, but like... Here’s the first one! They’re all going to be pretty short, around 2K but I’m gonna do my best to finish all of them so wish me luck...! And this first fic is gen. No ships. Next ones won’t be so gen. It’s also pre-HPA. Kind of.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

The last wish he made on New Year’s was a simple one.

I want to get into Hope’s Peak.

But of course that would never happen.

“Can’t you dream more realistically, Hajime? Do you have any idea how expensive Hope’s Peak actually is? We can’t afford that.”

“I... I know that, but...”

“If you know then why are you burdening us with this? Please. Just think about other people besides yourself for once.”

“...sorry.”

His mother sighs, but ruffles his hair in a show of affection.

“You current high school isn’t so bad, right? You can make good friends here, and it’s a fine school.”

“I guess it’s...decent,” he mumbles.

“Just don’t even worry about Hope’s Peak anymore,” she tells him. “It’s impossible, and it can’t be helped. Keep your chin up. Okay?”

“...fine...”

Because he knew, after all, that she had a point. They couldn’t afford it. And he wasn’t talented. It was a pipe dream to attend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Still...

For his birthday, he was given a new laptop to replace the old. It was a fairly recent model. Pretty expensive. Likely compensation. He can’t say he didn’t like it.

He wasn’t ungrateful. He doesn’t think so.

It’s just that I admire Hope’s Peak more than anything.

So much so that he finds himself on the forums first thing.

>Does anyone have any idea who’s going to be in the upcoming batch?

>They haven’t finished scouting, right? Oh, but I just saw on the news that an actual princess was accepted! Hope’s Peak really can get in anyone!

>Wow, actual royalty?!

>There’s this photographer I follow. She’s getting in, too, I’m pretty sure.

>I just saw Saionji Hiyoko-san’s performance last week. I’m positive she’s getting in.

>I’m more interested in the princess. Can you imagine how lucky it would be to meet an actual princess?

>>They’ll be running the lottery in a month or so. What I would give to have more of a chance...

>Wow, they’re doing that again?

>With how much getting into the reserve course costs, you probably have a better chance with the lottery...

>But if you win the lottery, you’re actually considered talented. Reserves are just...y’know, reserves.

>But you’ll get to meet the princess, potentially. I think the money’s worth it, even if all I can do is steal a glance!

>Still... Seems so lame that you can just pay your way in...

>But brand name recognition is pretty powerful...

>>I heard you can actually get into the main course from the reserve course if you do well enough.

>No way! That’s a pipe dream! Maybe if you paid like, twice as much!

>Must be nice to be rich, huh...

Hinata stares, wondering what to type, but also letting the thoughts swirl around in his head.

>>I would do anything to get into Hope’s Peak. But my family just can’t afford that.

>Yeah, mine neither. Who actually can?

>You’d be surprised... They’re getting a lot of enrollments.

>You can’t like...get a scholarship or anything? It’s not like you need to go to college after attending Hope’s Peak.

>Well the golden gates can’t open that wide, I suppose...

>It’s for the best. If just about anyone could get in, it wouldn’t be that special.

Hinata bites his lip, picking at the peeling skin with his teeth.

>>Still. I want to get in more than anything.

>If you aren’t talented, it can’t be helped.

>>I would give anything.

>Pffft. No kidding. I’d give an arm and a leg, probably.

>>I would give anything.

>A lot of people would.

>You’re like a super fan, huh. Well, I am, too, but still...

>>Getting into Hope’s Peak has always been my dream.

>Everyone wants to be special, man.

>But if everyone was special then no one would be special.

>It can’t be helped. You’re either born talented or you aren’t.

>Right?! I must have spent hours drawing but there was always that one person I could just never compare to. It’s hopeless!

>You shouldn’t say hopeless on the Hope’s Peak forums!

>Haha, sorry!

>>I’ve never been talented. There’s not one thing I’m particularly good at.

>Normie...

>>But I want to get into Hope’s Peak Academy... More than anything.

>Give it up. For your own good. Wishing for the impossible isn’t healthy.

>Hey, don’t tell him that! What if he ends up winning the lottery?

>Yeah, right!

>>I’m not particularly lucky, either.

>Luck’s not a talent anyway.

>Are you sure? I’ve known people who get ridiculously lucky while gambling...

>If they gamble too much, that luck’s bound to run out. And I bet they’re not that lucky, they just brag a lot.

>That might be true... Still it would be nice just to get into Hope’s Peak by chance...

>Whoever wins that lottery probably is ridiculously lucky considering how many people are participating. We’re talking like, every high school student in their first year in the country.

>Sucks to be other countries, huh.

>Maybe someday but for now, I like not having that much competition.

>Still a ridiculous amount competing...

>I bet it’ll be someone who can afford the reserve course if they haven’t already enrolled.

>No fair! That kind of thing should disqualify you immediately!

>>I just...want to get in...

>Yeah we all do. But it’s impossible.

>Impossible.

>Totally impossible.

>Pigs will fly first.

>I heard some Ultimates actually can make some crazy shit. We might see flying pigs pretty soon.

>That’s terrifying.

>>I just want to get in.

>You should get offline.

He should. He really, really should.

Is it really impossible?

“Of course it is,” he can practically hear them murmur. “Not only are you untalented, you can’t afford it! And you’re going to win the lottery, either!”

Hinata buries his face into his hands, shuddering.

I just... I just...

To his surprise, he later receives a DM. Shivering, he clicks it open.

>Would you really do anything for Hope’s Peak?

He doesn’t recognize the name of the sender but...it looks official.

>>Yes. Of course. Why?

>There actually is a program you can sign up for that will get you in without having to pay a coin.

Hinata blinked once. Twice.

It’s way too good to be true.

But he’s desperate. Beyond desperate.

>>What is this program? How can I sign up?

>Here’s the information.

What he’s about to do is how people get themselves abducted, he’s pretty sure. But right now, he’s desperate and... If it really was someone associated with Hope’s Peak, how bad can it be? What’s the worse than can happen?

I already have no chance getting in. I know that... But...

His heart was pounding as he took the train. He stared out the window, at HPA’s towering buildings in the distance, getting closer and closer, and he sucks in his breath.

It’s so shining that it hurts to look at.

Shining like a dream...

“Ah, Hinata-kun, you made it after all. So you have the necessary information?”

“Uh... Yes...” Truth be told, he didn’t understand most of it. There were a lot of words that were hard to read and pretty...advanced. “I just...well you said you couldn’t explain everything in just files, so...”

The other looked pretty professional. Sharply dressed and smiling in a way that at least seemed pretty welcoming. But...still pretty intimidating, considering the circumstances. Hinata ducked his head, feeling rather flustered.

“Yes, it’s meant to be kept very tightly under wraps, you see,” they laugh. “I need to assure confidentiality before explaining, Hinata-kun. Surely you understand.”

That’s...weird.

But it made his blood thrum with excitement to be a part of.

“I... Y-Yes, of course. Absolutely... Of course...”

“Sign this form, then, promising that.”

“O-Of course...!”

He scribbles down his signature without a second thought. The other smiled more, pleased. Hinata squirmed in his seat, and tried to keep his posture straight.

With that, the other sat across from him, polite and yet...expectant.

Ah... Hah...

“So you’re willing to do anything for this school,” they say, voice almost light but also dense with significance. “Might I ask why?”

“It’s...as I said on the forums,” Hinata mumbles, fiddling with his tie. Even dressed professionally for this would-be interview, he feels underdressed. “I’ve always admired this school. Always. It’s always been my dream to...to go there...”

The other nods, expression unchanged.

“And why do you wish so badly to go there, despite not having a talent that can be cultivated?”

Hinata flinched.

“T-That’s...! I...” He hesitates, but he soon finds the words just spilling out. “I just want to be someone I can be proud of. Someone who can stand tall. Be confident. Be significant. Isn’t that what I deserve?”

“Isn’t that what everyone deserves?”

Hinata’s nails dig into his palms.

“I admire Hope’s Peak...more than anyone. I will give whatever I can...and then more than that...if I have to.” His teeth grit. “Whatever it takes... W-Whatever it takes...!”

Even though I know it’s selfish and impossible, I just...!

He just wanted to be someone. Someone other than...this.

Unimportant. Unremarkable. A faceless, meaningless part of the mass. The idea of being consumed by mediocrity and insignificance for the rest of his life, never to matter, never to even be remembered, just to disappear, just like he never even existed—

“I’ll do...w-whatever...it takes...” He’s shaking, eyes wide and crazed. “Whatever it takes... Whatever I can...and then more than that...if I have to.”

“Ah. I see.” An easy smile. And yet, the atmosphere felt so heavy that it was near suffocating. “Very well then, Hinata-kun. That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for.”

Hinata lit up.

“R-Really?” He dares to let hope slip into his tone. “D-Do you really mean it?”

A nod.

“Hinata-kun... If you could be reborn from the faceless body of a miserable nobody into the world’s hope... Would you?”

“That...sounds too good to be true...” His heart really was racing, but he was flushed with excitement. “But... Y-Yeah... I... Of course...”

“Then, allow me to tell you about how that can be possible. If you agree, you’ll be accepted into the school, free of charge, no talent necessary. In fact, it’s even essential that you be talentless.”

I...don’t understand.

He doesn’t understand but it just sounds so incredible that he can’t help but be swayed.

“...tell me.”

“Very well.”

A folder of files is placed before him. They look too important to grasp. And the stamped out letters of CONFIDENTIAL stare back into his wide-eyed, shimmering gaze.

Fingers trembling, Hinata actually slices his finger open as he flips it open.

He doesn’t even feel the sting, as engrossed as he is in the text.

“I...”

The words swirl around in his head, over and over until he drowns in them.

“Do you need time to think about it?” the other asks him kindly. So kindly that Hinata is struck cold. “Tell you what... You can still get into the reserve course. You don’t have to say yes right away, and the deadline will be in a few months from now. You can attend classes here until then...and then make your decision on whether or not you’re willing to stay. Okay?”

“I... O-Okay.” Hinata swallows. “That’s... I’m okay with that.”

I said I’d do anything. And I do...want to do anything. But...

His hands are shaking while still gripping the files.

I can’t...let this chance slip by...even if it’s something like this. This is everything I ever wanted. Why am I even hesitating?

“It’s alright,” the other says reassuringly, taking the files away with ease. “Hinata-kun, I know you’ll make the best decision for yourself.”

For...myself. Myself...

“I...yes.”

“I’ll have them send in your acceptance letter and uniform.” His hand is shook, the grip warm and calloused. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Hinata-kun.”

“A-A pleasure... Yeah.”

Just like that, Hinata was stumbling out of Hope’s Peak, trembling and falling to pieces with every shaky step.

I have to do it, he can’t help but think. I have to do it, for...for myself...

This was going to be the year his life changed irreparably. He was sure of it.

#thehinataproject #hajime hinata #hinata hajime #Magi fics #the hinata project #although it's not going to show up #I might as well #I'll probably have to message someone anyway #The tragedy of being muted

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years

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...

#it would b great if i could control my focus #ive got 10 days to respond with edits for a paper. i have to finish a manuscript #ive got an interview thrusday with a school that i need to prep for. plus another interview next Thursday #but all i want to do is make a powerpoint clarifying what dyslexia is bc i dont think ppl understand #like i didnt understand until this last 2 weeks and i think i probably had higher awareness than #the public anyway. so now im like. they gotta kno. everyones gotta kno #but fuck i have so much to do. i guess maybe this is what ill do instead of reading fanfics at night lol #i just- after talking to my parents last night. my mum is a teacher who has training specifically in understanding how ppl read #and it sounded like how i was talking abt it gave her a lil bit of a new perspective and my dad was like lol me too #and im like yea bro i get it from u lmao #also my mum said i explain things well. and now im like well now i gotta explain things #fucking hell. i just love to give myself unnecessary work. maybe ill do it #i shouldnt. at least not this week. but like its under my skin now and i cant control my attention #so here we r. thinking obsessively abt dyslexia awareness #the results on the survey so far r really interesting. so many of yall have adhd lmao #unrelated

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irregulardiaryposts · 4 years

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20:27 10/01/2021 so. yes hello . i have corona looool. its not funny but it kinda is. a lot has changed since the last time i wrote and yet nothing at all has happened. its 2021 lol. its just 2020 pt 2 tho. crazy shit. i feel fine tho i dont feel ill at all. im currently looking at some art that i like and trying to find more since i wanna make a collage on my wall or something. ive always wanted a room that just feels like ME ya know. i always felt like my room didnt really show who i was because i tend to live in my head. like all of me is in my noggin instead of showing who i am through the way i dress/how my room looks/personalised things like my phone and stuff . like its never really shown what im like probably because i dont really know who i am. that feels weird to say because of course i know who i am. its a me. mario. no. lol. i really want to get into tailoring my life to ME rather than just existing ya know. like i feel as though theres no point doing anything like expressing myself because ill just end up being not bothered to finish something or ill end up not liking it so ive wasted my time. but u know what. fuck it. i wanna do thinks like that and maybe one day ill look back at when i started doing this and thank myself. thats got to be worth more than the feeling of disappointment of wasting ur time for something u dont like. coz if its not better then thats not fair. i was contemplating whether or not to actually continue this because its cringe and i dont want anyone to ever find this because i hate people knowing more about me than i let them. you only ever get to know the me i want you to. lol. i exist on my conditions. i should really put this somewhere else than on a notepad on my laptop. maybe i should create a tumblr account and upload these coz i think i could access it more privately than this. the more i think about it the better of an idea this is. i still like writing on this notepad because its familiar and allows for more expression i think . because i can make as many spelling mistakes as i want and no one can correct me. haagaHHghvsqhdbjsnbsd. anyways what was i talking about. ah yes self expression. i think ive been struggling with this because i dont like boxing myself in. and i especially hate when other people box me in . :((((((( makes me mad >:[ hehehheh anyway i have the first day of online school tomorrow ... which... yeah sucks. but i dont even know if half my teachers are actually doing it lol. i hope prelims get cancelled because i mean the exams are so why shouldnt prelims be. the thing is that i struggle with motivation so much. and its not even like "i dont want to start this massive project because it will take a lot of time and energy" its more "i cant pick up that book that is within arms reach even though i quite like the idea of reading right now and wouldnt mind getting a bit of progress done i just physically cant put my phone down and pick that up because my brain doesnt want to even though.. it does????" man am i bad at explaining. anyway i was saying that because even though i knowwww i shouldve been studying the past two weeks the only thing ive done is like.. look at some spanish and thought about things i can do in my own time to help that. but the thing is i enjoy spanish for the most part so like,,, with me enjoying the subject, wanting to learn it, and going to fking uni for it, all ive done is 20 minutes of spur of the moment writing lmao. so chemistry and maths are fked. coz i dislike chem especially. fuck that shit lol. i feel very trapped in my own head but i feel like im doing that becauese ive learned to do that for so long. its weird existing to other people especially when u didnt feel like u existed to yourself for a long time. like as though ehdjsb jhbwalkjkjbf i dont know what im saying. oh yeah the minecraft end poem almost made me cry again. im gonna read it again because i just reminded myself and im gonna come back and tell u my fave. why am i speaking to you as though u are real. like ur a person. maybe ill keep doing that. what do u think. anyway brb wait im gonna play minecarft music while i read it and maybe i can cry. "i like this player. it played well. it did not give up" "this player dreamed of sunlight and trees. of fire and water. it dreamed it created. and it dreamed it destroyed. it dreamed it hunted, and was hunted. it dreamed of shelter." "does it know we love it? that the universe is kind?" "to cure it of sorrow would destroy it. the sorrow is part of its own private task" "to tell them how to live is to prevent them living" "take a breath, now. take another. feel air in your lungs. let your limbs return. yes, move your fingers. have a body again, under gravity, in air. respawn in the long dream. there you are. your body is touching the universe again at every point, as though you were separate things. as though we were separate things" "and why does the universe touch your skin, and throw light on you? to see you, player. to know you. and to be known." "and the universe said i love you - and the universe said you have played the game well - and the universe said everything you need is within you - and the universe said you are stronger than you know - and the universe said you are the daylight - and the universe said you are the night - and the universe said the darkness you fight is within you - and the universe said the light you seek is within you - and the universe said you are not alone - and the universe said you are not sepsrate from every other thing - and the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code - and the universe said i love you because you are love" *sobs* " and the player was the universe. and the player was love. you are the player. wake up." how was i supposed to be okay after reading that huh. honestly tho i live minecraft like its such a beautiful game i cant believe i used to be ashamed to admit i played it :/ . in the middle of that i created a tumblr account coz i got sidetracked but its good to know that tumblr doesnt have a character limit that im aware of. anyway i know thats a lot of quotes its like almost half of the entire poem but like. its beautiful tho. its really grounding and like validating? to hear some of that idk. the universe is actually fking mental tho lol and i love learning about it i think thats one of the reasons i did so well in physics is that is taking something so entirely complex and crazy into math and reason and logic so i can at least understand a little about the universe. i can know it back. maybe i am the universe. and really were just understanding ourselves. getting to know who we are and where we all came from. i think thats lovely since some people (inc me) dont really know who they are or what theyre supposed to be so its comforting to know that at the very least we are all made from atoms and we were all forged from the same galaxy and that we are a part of the universe, part of something important just by existing. that we dont have to be special or unique by anyone's standards because we are formed in the same way stars are, were all just a collection of atoms, arranged to make up something incredible, and the fact that we can understand that shows how remarkable we are just by existing. like thats it. we are amazing just because we exist at the same time as the universe, that we are the universe. and so yes physics is "just maths" but maths is a tool to explain how phenomenal our exitance actually is. yeah. wow. ok imma go watch youtube or something now. bye bye. also notice how there was like an almost 3 month gap in between writing these. yeah.

#bad spelling and grammar but thats how this all will be hahahahahah #january 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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notconsolation · 7 years

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So here’s my history. It’s gonna be long, so I fully do not expect anyone to read this, this is as much a record for myself as it is anything else. I fucking pray this read more works. If it doesn’t, happy scrolling, it’s a long one boys

It’s hard to place because my memories of the beginning are quite vague. It became noticeable at the end of the summer of 2012, so I’m guessing it started in sort of late 2011. So I was 13. It sort of kicked off with orthorexia, but neither I nor anybody in my circle would have known the signs to notice them. It also turned into anorexia pretty early on I think. Or at least I just finally accepted the label after a while. I always hated the word, though. It’s a phonetically horrible word. The german was worse to me, though now I think it’s more accurate. ‘Magersucht’ - ‘gauntness/skinness addiction’ basically. I don’t know- I just started eating things like a salad with no vinegar and no oil once a day, then sort of once every two days and nobody really noticed. I went on an exchange trip to Spain that summer and I hated it because everything was oily and I felt the stains the food left around my mouth and had to fight the urge to wipe away at it constantly. I would try to cut it up and spread the food around the plate to get rid of oil, I’d rub it on my lips on the way to my mouth so that I could wipe it off afterwards rather than take it in. I went vegan I went gluten free I went uh.. food free after a bit basically. My mother noticed in late 2012 because she went away for a week and when she came back she said my clothes hung off me and I’d always been a size xs. Didn’t stop me from doing youtube workout videos from 11pm until 2 every night. God, my tailbone bled onto my sheets sometimes and I’d use that to pretend I was still getting my period. It was obsessive, but in a way that’s very removed to me now, because now I’m obsessive in so many different ways, though partially about the same things.

We spent a long time sort of not doing much except my mother fretting and my father not mentioning it and my sister rolling her eyes at my attention whoring by coercing my organs into imminent failure. We went to a couple of doctors to try to get some kind of diagnosis because I wasn’t strictly denying that there was something wrong, but I wan’t going to take the intiative to get ‘better’ from a situation which I perceived as not normal, sure, but not my responsibility to fix because it wasn’t my mind that told me I wasn’t normal and okay, it was everyone else’s. So if my being deathly thin bothered them, they could do something about it but I wouldn’t. I think that’s more or less what my thought process was. I guess around this time I was hovering around 42-44 kilos. I got so fucking good at figuring out which of my clothes weighed the most so that I could wear them when my mom would weigh me and cry. I knew she wouldn’t want to see my body, so I wore layers of wet clothes under denim and she never asked me to take it off cause she didn’t want to see my bones. In fairness I cried a lot, too. Sometimes I guess we cried about a lot of the same stuff.

My relationship with my ED is, to a large degree, inseparable from my relationship to my mother because for three very formative years in my life we spent every conscious moment aware of how much suffering each was going through, and that empathy magnified the pain and suffering itself. I talk about this in past tense when really I shouldn’t, but it’s easier to pretend now that we live in separate countries. She is the best person and I don’t know.

But anyway, we went to different therapists for a while. None of them did much. We tried this family based approach for a while which was... god i never want to go to family therapy of any kind ever ever ever again. Didn’t help, really. I saw that therapist about a year later when I was walking home from school and she stopped me and said I was looking so good and wasn’t it nice that I was recovering and I was thisclose to spearing her with a pitchfork and telling her that really, as a therapist that specialises in eating disorders she should know better than to assume someone is in recovery because they’ve gained weight before cooking her up like a suckling pig. She was probably objectively nice. But she was such a fucking Karen. Anyway, all this time I was still losing weight. I got up early and drank litres so I’d still weigh the same in the morning, but man. There was a morning when I overslept and I panicked and my mother panicked and we all cried and she wouldn’t give me time to layer up and drink and so - tada - there’s the number blinking up at me and everyone i angry and there’s a lot of snot from my mother and spit from my father, but my body holds on to its fluids because it knows i can’t afford to lose them. anyway, I hate the number 35.8 now forever. I’m not even entirely sure that was my lowest weight but I’ve literally blocked out those memories. I have no access to them whatsoever.

I have no idea how i never fainted. I missed a lot of school. Everyone went so far out of their way to accommodate me. I realise i haven’t been talking about what went on inside me and it’s because it’s like there’s a haze over it all, muffling the whole thing and inserting this sort of dead, lifeless ringing into my ears and before my eyes. I know I was obsessive and that I was aware that I should get better and I agreed that I should get better, but that I would always find ways to make sure I didn’t eat more than 800 calories a day at most. Thereabouts, anyway. I just Don’t Remember so much of it. But yeah. My parents got me a place on a clinic waiting list and I got moved up to have an interview with the Oberfrauärtztinchefincaptainsirmaam and i am so very grateful that she was so very awful. I distinctly remember her telling me i should be strapped to a bed with a needle in my arm and that i shouldnt be thinking and doing school work anymore because intense thinking can burn as many calories an hour as a lumberjack at work. So when a spot opened up at the clinic I was able to beg and cry and beg my parents for one last shot at doing it myself. I have no idea why they let me, I really don’t. By this point one or more of my organs had probably been permanently damaged and it’s a miracle my bones aren’t entirely porous and brittle. I get survivors guilt sometimes because I really do think that, objectively, I shouldn’t be alive. I shouldn’t have made it through that. And I was so difficult about it. I would say I want to recover, and then not do anything to further that. I’d shoot down every suggestion and option and resolutely state that I was different and so, sorry mother mine, but the big fat book you bought with helpful tips and tricks? not gonna help, go away, leave me alone. I guess that was my version of teenage angst: ‘go away, I don’t need help literally staying alive because I’m a different human being from every other human being that’s ever gone through this’.

I do still believe that, in a way. I believe that everyone’s experience of it is different, and the causalities are so muddled that they’re barely discernible, but I was such a bitch about. I mean I still am, 100% but..!.

But I did gain weight back. I was still fucked up inside, but people stopped asking if I was feeling okay and started telling me they were so glad and proud that I was feeling better. Nobody really thought ‘hey, maybe telling this girl constantly and with strong, authoritative voices that she needs to eat eat eat eat eateateateatEAT might fuck her up a bit uwu’. It’s simplistic to blame it on that, though. But yes. I gained about 30 kilos in 2 years and I hated every second of it and my mental state deteriorated pretty steadily and lo, my anorexia became more akin to binge eating disorder. Depression kicks in, identity crises abound, the constant nagging intrusive ideas and noisy background of thoughts never stop, gender dysphoria jumps on the bandwagon for a while, and all manner of those tasty self-destructive tendencies find days of my life to cronch down on and consume whole.

But it always comes back down to food. I’ve made the binge eating section of this so brief because it exhausts me so and because I’m not sure how comprehensible it is as a concept to people. When you say binge eating disorder people sometimes think ‘oh shit man, I get you, I eat waaay to many pizzas AND, christ help me, sometimes I have a whole tub of ice cream by myself i hope god can forgive me hahaha’

BUt, Chad, what you fail to understand is that this is chronic behaviour where I consume sometimes seven or eight thousand calories at once and calculate every single one afterwards and literally worry that my stomach might rupture from the sheer volume of food and also that I’m doing yet more serious long term damage to my body and oh! hey frantic google searches on how diabetes works and if you can get it from repeatedly eating whole jars of nutella! didn’t see you there!

Listen, it’s all been a downer, yeah. By this point I’m assuming I’m speaking exclusively to the future self that I wrote this for as a record of what I remember. But listen. It always comes down to food for me. It just always does. And this whole thing was just sparked by the notion that I would love it if more people were aware that, sure, I deal with it because I have to and because it’s what one does, but if you could just... not bring up food to me unless I bring it up first? that would be great? And i don’t mean questions about my thoughts on it or anything, I just mean specifically for the future prospect of eating. For that very specific thing, if you don’t bring it up I’ll be super grateful because yeah, I’d love to watch a movie with you, but I’d love it even more if I didn’t have to spend an hour thinking of an excuse for not eating popcorn or not wanting to go for drinks afterwards. I think it would be amazing if we could establish a dialogue as a norm.

something like at some point having a conversation with someone along the lines of

‘hey, you know I don’t judge you or expect you to justify your eating habits to me, right?’

‘wait, really?’

‘yeah, that’s your business and I honestly don’t care, so you can stop stressing about it’

This has been an ED chat with Hannah

#about #what a ride #come back for the next instalment whenever life next gets to much for me xoxo

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