#i so desperatly want fucking love and comfort and its like everyone thinks i have shunned those things from them.

[groupwest]

its all such bullshit

[p-o-t-g]

"I hope you find, some peace of mind in this lifetime."

The familiar lyric comes to life again once more, i am afraid and scared. Scared of have been doing some things wrong. Because somehow you are still in my mind, it should be wrong. I shouldn't be thinking of you this way still. Because, its been 7 months now, i am hesitating, were my desicions wrong? Was it too early to be with someone else? Because i can't think of him as the right one not even a little bit close as i thought with you. Missing and wrong, it feels. I know when i see you with her, I said it just makes me feel happy for you. But in my chest, somethings says that i am making it up, all acting so i don't get sad. Maybe its because your name came as a topic a lot lately. Imagine my surprise when i see your name under my writing devoted to you. And all of those pictures... God. I know i said i don't have anything related to love in me for you, and i think i still think of that way. Just, your familiarity making me miss something that i can never have again. And i grieve of that feeling and memories. Because deep down i want you to wake up in the middle of the night and think of the way how we were and I was right about it all. I want you to delete that picture of you two's from that playlist. I feel like she doesn't deserve it. An anger grows inside of my lungs aim for happiness of yours. I want it to be destroyed by me, its an honour, a flex for me to kill your joy. Because I never saw you feeling sad because of me. The secret part of me begs desperatly for your downfall. I can't take the smile on your face, once i worshipped and kissed in love. Now i want that to dissappear completely, i want you to never laugh again like you did with me. I know it sounds crazy but thats the thing with humans, no matter how much you try to hide it or act like completaly stable; The real deal is never how you looked, thats just the role you have to act just to stay alive. But everyone knows that deepest desires always inside there, somewhere. I always think its not the way we were when it comes to her. I want to believe you are thinking that way either, i want to hear it. I want you to realize and say it to me. And not because i want it to end with you again but just for my revenge. I want him to feel bad because of me. Not like any other pain you felt as before. Not like that, i want him to lose his mind until he losts everything. I want him to realize he is not happy and will never be. Being peaceful would not be his option, because i know he caused of my downfall while he enjoys life more than anyone. I want to know it was otherwise and he suffered. Even now, if not then. Because i can't take the fact no one is compatible like him with me but he is all absent for me now. I want people to talk bad about you, fuck even behind your back, gossip about how miserable you are. But more than any of them, i want to hear it from your mouth. I want to hear you gave up. Hear you say there is no one as beautiful as me, though, you said it after we broke up. Drunk in alcohol and maybe love, not sure anymore. Because now i understand why you were in such pain, because you weren't happy in the relationship. It hurts so much knowing i was so clueless by your thoughts. I wish you talked to me and i knew how the things will go. It all left a memory for all of those people. But for me, its something i could never reach again, it fucks me up all over again. And i blame you for reasoning this. Because you love someone else and maybe another one after this one, but you are comfortable and living it, living it so good that other person thinks its real too. You act up so good that anyone can believe you. But God, I just can't do it. Will I ever be able to love like i loved you? Because i really want to. And not being able to makes me feel so guilty.

Fuck you.