#like everyones so sick of walking on eggshells for me to STILL push them away

[groupwest]

its all such bullshit

[missvelvetsstuff]

No Benefits

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Reader and Bucky are best friends until a drunken hook up. Bucky wants a friends with benefits situation because he doesn't feel ready for a relationship but reader knows that will lead to a broken heart.

Then Sharon Carter comes to work with them.

Notes: Steve and Tony are around but retired, everything else is mostly canon

Chapter 8

Warnings: swearing, angst, references to sex

The compound was tense the week after Cookie left. Tony was still pissed that she was gone and he couldn't get his favorite cookies. On top of that, fixing the Avengers gym was a major undertaking thanks to the holographic projectors that were used for team training simulations. Tony stood and watched as Bucky did most of the clean up before the tech team went in to replace everything he had destroyed.

Everyone was walking on eggshells as they waited for Nick Fury to return from off world. Of course he already knew what happened but was looking forward to bitching out the people who pushed her to leave. He was due sometime this week.

Sharon tried to get close to Bucky but he wanted to wallow by himself. He also shunned Nat who tried to distract him with her Widow seduction techniques. Anytime they were in the same room with Bucky, they were trying to get his attention. They would flirt, wear sexy and revealing outfits, act helpless so they could turn to him to open a jar or reach a higher shelf or something equally dumb. Bucky didn't really see through their efforts like the rest of the team did, he just didn't care what either of them said or did.

One morning Nat slid up to Bucky and started rubbing his arm as he drank his coffee. He looked at the hand on his arm then picked it up and pushed it away from him like it was diseased. Sharon stepped in and tried to get between him and Nat but he rebuffed her as well. It ended in a fight in the common room, both women ended up in medical, Sharon had a broken nose while Nat had cracked ribs and both had various scratches and bruises.

Bucky had just turned away from them and leaned on the counter to finish his coffee, seemingly oblivious to the women fighting right behind him.

Tony had enough and had Friday lock both women in their own rooms until Fury returned and decided what to do with them. He snapped at Bucky "I'm getting really sick of your little harem with their attempts to seduce you and fighting with each other. You need to find a way to convince them you aren't interested."

Bucky shrugged "I don't know what you want me to do, Stark. I don't speak to either of them, except to tell them to leave me alone and I don't do anything to encourage them. I don't want either of them and I keep telling them but they won't stop." He sighed "I just want Cookie."

The morning after Cookie went to the Harlan Thrombey book launch, Bucky was sitting next to Steve, both eating the omelettes Sam made for them, when Nat entered the room "Gee Barnes, looks like your precious Cookie has moved on already."

Bucky sighed and shook his head but didn't say anything.

Nat took that as a sign to keep going "She ended up in the gossip pages, seen leaving a book release party with Boston's most eligible, and notorious, bachelor." She smirked when she heard Bucky's breath catch "Ransom Drysdale has a different debutante, model or actress on his arm every week but this new woman is a mystery." She quoted the article she was reading on her phone. "There's a bunch of pictures of him with other women. Cookie was definitely a step down for this guy."

She snapped at Bucky "Why are you pining for some dumpy little analyst when I'm right here?"

Bucky could feel his control waning he turned and snarled at her "I don't fucking want you! Leave me alone. What the fuck are you doing out of your room?"

Nat shrugged "I have my ways"

Tony skidded to a stop, out of breath "There you are, Romanoff. Do I need to put you in a holding cell? The big guys room? Stop trying to stir up more trouble and leave Barnes alone!"

Nat scoffed "Fine, I'll go." She rubbed her shoulder against Bucky and purred "You know where to find me."

Bucky pulled away from her, then looked over at Tony in shock, he never imagined Tony would stand up for him. He softly spoke "Thank you, Tony."

Tony nodded "I think we need to have Romanoff and Carter checked by medical again."

He looked at Bucky and smirked "You're not hideous but they have a level of obsession with you that doesn't seem natural. I want to be sure they are both completely clear of that serums influence before we even consider putting them back out in the field."

Bucky nodded, thinking "It's interesting that I'm fine and we haven't had any problems with Yelena, maybe she'll know something more about that serum and the 'cure'."

Tony hummed "Well, you have the super soldier juice and they mentioned having to dose you repeatedly but yeah, maybe Yelena can shed some light. Friday, where is Miss Belova?"

"She's in her quarters, boss. She hasn't left since returning from kidnapping Cookie."

Tony nodded at Bucky "I'll let you know if I find anything. If Romanoff bothers you, tell Friday and we'll put her in a holding cell until Fury returns."

After talking to Yelena and consulting with Bruce and Dr Cho, And a trip to Antonia's holding cell, Tony discovered that Antonia had used an updated version of the serum after Yelena released all of the widows. The cure worked but only partially, and it seemed that the orders that Sharon and Natasha had been given were still floating around in their heads, making them act out. Yelena had voluntarily locked herself in her room after all the drama with Antonia, as she took being controlled again very hard and didn't trust herself.

Tony called the team to move Nat and Sharon to holding cells since Nat had escaped her room once but when they went to find the women Sharon was still in her room but Natasha was nowhere to be found.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That same morning, outside of Boston...Cookie woke up, closing her eyes as quickly as she opened them. Too bright, the room was all windows. She groaned as she became more aware, she felt some new aches in her body, most noticeably between her legs. She also felt an arm around her waist and that she had no clothing on.

A warm body behind her moaned "Relax. It's early and Sunday." Pulling her closer.

Cookie turned to look at him, in the early morning light and with his messy bedhead, she realized the man looked a lot like Steve Rogers. The thought made her giggle, until he turned her so she was facing him and pulled her close until she felt his morning erection pressed up against her "I know you're not laughing at me, sweetheart." He started kissing down her neck and grinding up against her until they were caught up in each other again.

A few hours later Cookie felt her stomach grumble "Ransom" she whispered with no response "Ransom."

She pushed on his shoulder and he groaned "nooo"

She started tracing down his side until he choked back a laugh and grabbed her hands "What is it, Cookie? I'm tryna sleep here."

"Ransom! I'm hungry so you need to feed me or I need to go home and get some food."

Ransom started pushing up against her "I've got something to feed you, right-"

Cookie elbowed him in the ribs "Really Ransom? What are you, 12? I need some food." She sat up "I should get home, I've got chores to do"

Ransom scoffed "Chores? That's what maids are for."

Cookie got up and found her clothes "Yeah, well not all of us have trust funds so we can afford to hire help."

He sat up and watched as she dressed.

Once she was somewhat respectable looking, for a walk of shame, Cookie turned to Ransom, who had started playing with his phone once she was dressed. After leaning down to give him a kiss she stood to leave "Thanks, Ran, I needed that. It was fun. Maybe I'll see you around."

Ransom looked up "Do you need a ride or something?"

Cookie smiled "No, my uber is almost here, I'm good."

He leered at her "I don't do relationships, baby, but you have my number if you wanna do it again."

She giggled "Yeah, sure. I'm going to wait out front for my car, so I'll see you."

When Cookie arrived home she took a long hot shower and went over her memories of the last 24 hours. She certainly never expected to meet Ransom Drysdale and spend the night with him. His reputation was justified, the man had a wicked tongue and impressive stamina for someone with no enhancements. He definitely satisfied but wasn't someone to get caught up with, as his reputation also warned. She wasn't in Boston to find a new man anyhow, she was getting over one. He didn't compare to Bucky but she tried not to think about him, everything was too confusing and messy.

Cookie sighed, she missed him and the friendship they had before Sharon showed up to ruin everything. Even though she knew it wasn't really Sharon's fault, Cookie couldn't help the anger that tried to bubble up. She pushed it back down as she dried her hair and went downstairs to find something to eat.

Cookie didn't feel up for cooking so settled for a bowl of cereal, sat at the dining room table and picked her phone up only to be hit with dozens of notifications. She felt her stomach drop, apparently Ransom was big gossip and the new unknown woman he left the book launch with was Boston's biggest mystery. Some of her coworkers were asking if it was her while Annie just tagged her with a winky emoji. Maria Hill texted a question mark and 'call me'.

Cookie's head fell into her hands, she knew she wasn't in any trouble but hadn't expected her little fling to get so much outside attention. This was a potential complication that she didn't need. At least she knew Ransom was on the same page and didn't expect anything more from her.

She jumped when her phone rang but was relieved to see it was Sam.

"Hey babygirl, sounds like you're having some fun in Boston. Don't forget us little people while you're hanging with the world famous writer and his family."

Cookie laughed "Please, it was one party. I'm still the nerdy intel analyst you know and love."

"Well I hope so. You didn't hear it from me but Robocop is turning green."

Cookie scoffed "Right, he has them to keep him occupied."

"Yeah, they are fighting over him and he's ignoring them. It's almost entertaining, at least until I had to help pull them apart. I got scratched in the face, those ladies are ruthless."

Cookie laughed "Poor, poor, Sammy. Beat up by those mean ol girls. I'm sorry I'm not there to stitch you up."

"Pffft, wasn't all that. Just annoying." Sam whined "I miss you, when are you coming home?"

Cookie sighed "This is my home for now. I miss you too Sammy but the compound was just too much. You should come here, there's lots of history."

They ended the call with Sam promising to visit when he could get away after Cookie told him she would make his favorite cookies.

After they hung up, Cookie started going through her mail. A plain white envelope with the compound as the return address caught her eye. The simple block writing made her heart race as she realized it was Bucky's writing. It was the first time he'd tried to reach out to her since the night they spent together and she was afraid he was finally rejecting her friendship outright instead of just ignoring her. Being ignored had hurt but there had been some hope, however foolish it might have been, especially after learning that he had been drugged, but if he told her he didn't want her in this letter that would really be it.

Cookie's mind came up with all sorts of awful things he could say and what his words could do to her and she felt a panic attack crawling up her spine. She dropped the letter like it was on fire and backed away without opening it. She wasn't ready to read what Bucky had to say yet and left it on the table as she started her laundry and straightened up her townhouse.

@erelierraceala @capswife @ozwriterchick @cjand10 @wintrsoldrluvr @mrsbuckybarnes1917 @browneyedgrli @greatenthusiasttidalwave @hhiggs @dontworryboutitsweetheart-blog @behindmygreyeyes @pattiemac1 @mrsbuckybarnes1917 @calwitch @mrs-bucky-barnes-73 @ordelixx @blackhawkfanatic @casey1-2007 @scott-loki-barnes @selella @hiireadstuff @winterschildren8

Every time she walked past the table she could see it out of the corner of her eye. It seemed to grow and catch her attention no matter where she went in the house but she just couldn't bring herself to open it yet.

Chapter 9

[heartbeatbookclub]

I was looking at a few posts about autism (as one does) and it just suddenly clicked into place a fundamental thing about Yuri's character that I'd been grasping at, but hadn't really been able to adequately identify. I still have a much longer and more thorough analysis going through a whole lot of my thoughts on Yuri's character and her experience of autism that i'm working on (of which this will likely be a component), but I thought I'd share this separately just to emphasize.

Post I saw which made this click for me was making fun of the fact that most media depicting impaired empathy in autistic characters explicitly depicts them with this unflappable confidence of never having been rejected by people they love. The crux of this is that in actual reality, autistic people almost always have that experience at some point, for some behavior, for reasons they don't really understand. "There is an invisible line where people will get sick of you, and you have no warning of when you're about to cross it." So frequently, autistic people attempt to ride a razor thin edge, walking on constant eggshells to desperately attempt to avoid crossing that line.

Very often autistic people will attempt to avoid doing anything at all which could be considered weird, or off-putting, and will try their absolute hardest to do things in a way that is acceptable to other people, sometimes to the point of outright suppressing their emotions, because they are afraid that they'll say something just wrong enough that the people they care about will push them away, and they don't understand WHY it happened, but they know it's THEIR fault. Sometimes masking is fighting to appear aloof all the time because you can't regulate your emotions in a way that is acceptable to other people.

And holy fucking Jesus, that fits the exact mold of what I've been trying to talk about with the particular way Yuri's anxieties manifest.

It really feels to me like Yuri has this constant fear of breaking the "rules" of socializing, despite not really understanding what those rules even are. She's constantly afraid of saying something wrong, when she doesn't even know what wrong would be, she's just sure everyone ELSE will know it when they hear it. I think a huge part of her social anxiety comes from her own understanding of herself as a very weird person who doesn't really get a lot of how to socialize, and it seems to me like she's probably dealt with her fair share of social rejection and isolation based on those traits. She then felt she had to take responsibility for those traits, probably because it's the one thing she can change, and she is the one common denominator in all of these bad situations (This is something which is pretty common, actually! "Everyone else can socialize just fine, and I have so much difficulty with it! I must just be broken in some way. I have to try super hard to be normal to make friends!")

I think a big part of why it's so apparent in the Literature Club is because she really thinks she's found a place where she can make friends in spite of all of her issues, so when she starts...being herself, and receives even the smallest HINT of pushback, she overcorrects and tries to rein all of herself in to fix her "mistake", because she really wants to make friends here, and doesn't want them to reject her as well.

She's had this experience of others pushing her away for being weird so often that, coupled with her acknowledged trouble for reading situations, when anybody responds poorly to something and she recognizes it, she immediately overcorrects out of fear of being an annoying burden to everyone around her, and that "correction" consists of suppressing herself into being "normal" (or at least "less weird"), because she believes nobody could actually like her just for being who she is. There's something wrong with her fundamentally, and to make friends, for people to like her and want to be around her, she has to "fix" herself.

it's just, like...

it's really hard for me to interpret Yuri's character that doesn't involve her being somewhere on the spectrum, bros. she's written with such delicately constructed autistic coding, despite the appearance of just being a hackneyed weird girl visual novel trope. she deserves the world.......

[hsjxishbeoelwj]

tw: vent post, long long rant/vent post lmao sorry :3 im going through it fr fr!!!! 😜 (this is kinda cringe ngl, lol)

god, please let my sister still feel safe and comfortable around me even when I don't deserve it. She deserves so much more than me and my shit attitude and behavior towards her. She deserves to be loved and get out of this house because she's just a kid, my baby, though she doesn't deserve this life we've built for her. She deserves people who won't yell or snap at her for being a kid. I hope she never fears me. I hope she never feels her stomach churn because of the sound of my voice, and I hope she never knows me by the sound of my footsteps. Because, lord knows she deserves so, so much more. She deserves to feel safe in her own room with out me saying to get out (we share a room). And yet, I still can't help but feel that selfishness that screams at me from the darkest parts of my mind, the ones that scream "kick her out before she ruins the delicate system you have built in this room, she doesn't deserve to be here." And yet, I so desperately want to listen to the much, much smaller voice that says "this is her room to, she deserves to feel safe in here to without feeling like shes walking on eggshells. You swore to yourself that you'd never make her feel the way you did when you were her age. But look at you now. Horrible and basically as bad as you feared you'd be." I hate it. I miss knowing my little sister more than I knew myself. She just wants her big sisters attention. She just wanted my love and validation. I see the way she looks at me when she thinks I'm not looking. I hate it. I hate that she looks at me like I'm not the big sister she wants. I miss when she used to look at me with stars in her eyes and awe in her voice as she screamed my nickname so happily, the nickname only she's allowed to call me. It feels weird when she calls me by my actual name, even when it's not that different. Where was I going with this? I don't know. I just miss my baby sister, my baby. My dear sister. And maybe that's my fault. Scratch that. It most definitely is my fault. I pushed her away because I was scared of hurting her, but I hurt her anyway. It's hard not to when you both have shared a room since she was a baby. I've never had my own space. Maybe that's why I do this. Out of my own selfish desire for privacy. She doesn't deserve this. If only she were born earlier. If only she were closer in age. But, would that have changed things? I don't know. I wish I did. God, or whoevers listening, please, oh please, let there be a universe where I can live my baby sister like she needs me too. Where I'm actually a good sister. Where she doesn't fear my mood swings like they're a knife I'm about to stab her with. Where she never finches away from me in fear of what will happen. Where she never gets that long, sad stare when she thinks we aren't looking. Where I can protect her from all the bad, instead of being the bad she needs shelter from. Please, whoever is listening to this. Please, let there be a universe where I'm not a fucked up little kid who will never know whats wrong with me. I just want to know what's wrong with me. Maybe then I'll stop snapping and hurting the ones I love. I don't want to be my grandma. I don't want to be someone who snaps at the smallest things because they aren't how she left them. I don't want to make my loved ones sick of me because of how I am. I don't want to be someone who is feared by my siblings. I don't want my little baby sister (who is taller than me now? when did that happen?) to flea to her room so her big sister to be better just for her to realize I'm the one she's hiding from. I don't want her to feel like she'll never feel safe around me again. Please, lord, don't let me become like my grandma, who makes everyone drained when she starts talking. Instead, lord, let me be like my mother, the kind soul she is, and let me be an open space where I can't help but spill my guts too.

Please let me be a good sister.

Please don't let me become my grandmother and hers before her.

Please, let me be like my mother.

Pleaee let me baby sister feel like she is not wanted because if my stupid mistakes.

Please let her not take to heart what I said when I was angry and had no control over my words and emotions.

Please let her know that she will always have a place in my heart no matter what.

Please let her know that no matter what I say, her big sister will always love her, even if she doesn't love me.

Please let her know it's never going to be her fault for being and acting like a child, for wanting her big sisters approval.

Please let her know I will never, ever truly hate her (I genuinely don't think I can).

Please, lord above, tell me what's wrong with me so I can fix it and be a better sister to my older and younger siblings. If not, then, please, strike me down and send me to hell.

I can not handle hurting them again. I think it will kill me. I can not handle seeing my family cry because of my stupid, reckless, impulsive actions. I can't do this anymore.

Please let my family know that if I do eventually die by my own hand, it was never their fault. It was mine for being so weak.

Please let my sister know that she will never be at fault for what her big sister did.

Please let my baby, my little sister know that her big sister has always been proud of her.

Please, God, tell me what is wrong with me so that I may fix it.

(perhaps i wasn't cut out to be a sibling..?)

[libraryofloveletters]

Broken

Evan Buckley x Reader 

Warnings: Fem!reader, mentions of court, shitty description of witness questioning, mentions of loss of spouse, crying, character flaws, mentions of death, cheating and pregnancy. 

Category: Angst 

Word Count: 2.3k

Author’s Note: Based on @venusrosepetal​‘s request! Also, this is definitely not going to be the most accurate court scene considering that I'm just going off what I can remember from watching Suits looool  

----

Idiot.

That’s what he is and that’s why you had to drag yourself to court on a Monday morning before 9am.

Buck decided that filing a wrongful termination lawsuit would fix all of his problems. Bobby had picked you up with a promise of coffee and he made good on that promise. Chim, Eddie and Hen would be meeting you at the courthouse. 

Court started half an hour after the 5 of you arrived, Buck sat to one side with his lawyer and you guys sat on the other side. Bobby was first on the stand, his questioning lasted the longest, seeing that Buck was suing the city, the LAFD and Bobby. Next was Chim, followed by Hen and Eddie, finally you were last. 

“Calling Ms. y/n l/n to the stand” Chim gave your hand a little squeeze as you got up and walked to the stand. The bailiff comes up to you, “Please raise your right hand,” you do as you’re told, “do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth ?” he looks at you, you nod, “I do” 

The lawyer begins to ask you a line of basic questions that he asked all your coworkers such as what was your name, where do you work, what is your relationship with the plaintiff. You go about answering the questions, you have nothing to lie about. 

“Do you believe that the plaintiff was wrongfully terminated ?” the lawyer questions you, pacing by the table. 

“No, I do not” 

“And why is that?” 

“Bu- Mr. Buckley was injured and unfit to return to work without proper healing and instruction to do so by his doctor. He was pushing himself further than he could go and he was going to hurt himself again, he lost his job simply for his own well being” 

“Do you still believe this to be true ? Although he’s all healed now ?” 

“Yes” 

The lawyer turns back and takes a seat at the table. “No further questions, your honour”, Buck’s lawyer stood up and walked around the table. 

“Ms. l/n, how do you know my client?”

“We worked together at the 118″ 

“And what is the 118?” he asked you, you resisted the urge to roll your eyes at his stupid question, “The fire station” you answered, he hums, seeming satisfied. 

“And what is your relationship with him ?” 

“We used to be coworkers” 

“Would you go as far as to say you were friends?” 

“Sure” 

The lawyer paced, before making his way over to you, his arm rested on the stand. Once again, you resisted the urge to roll your eyes. “Your statement about your opinion on his termination and his well being, was that said as a co worker or as something more ?” 

“I don't follow, what are you asking me ?” 

“Why were you so concerned about Mr. Buckley’s well being ?” he says plainly, 

“We were friends, I didn’t want him to hurt himself more than he already was.” 

“These concerns.. they weren’t based on any romantic feelings?” he looked over at you, your brows furrowed, a look of confusion washes over your face. 

“Romantic feelings ?” you question him back. 

“Well, I know your late husband, Sergeant l/n, died in a shootout, isn't that correct ?” he asks, looking back over at you as he paced the room once again. 

“Objection, her past relationships has nothing to do with this, your honour” the lawyer called out, he could see that you were uncomfortable. Your eyes flicker over to the team, they seem confused. None of them knew you were previously married. After your husband died, you moved to LA for a fresh start, to let go of the past and move on. You never told anyone about your husband, you only confided in Buck. 

How would he even think about using that against you ? 

“Overruled, answer the question Ms. l/n” 

Taking a breath, you glanced over at the lawyer, “yes, he did.” 

“How long were the two of you married if you don't mind me asking ?” 

“2 years” 

“Hm and why didn't you pursue a relationship with Mr. Buckley when you came to LA? Was it the fear of losing him like you lost your husband ?” 

The entire courtroom went silent after that question, you couldn't bring yourself to answer him. He hit a nerve, opened a box of feelings that you had pushed deep down and never thought about. You see Bobby pull at the lawyer, whispering something to him. The lawyer nods and turns to the judge, “objection, this isn't relevant at all” the judge ignored his objection and overruled it once again. 

“Ms. l/n, was it the fear of losing him like you lost your husband the reason as to why you didn't pursue a relationship with him ?” Buck’s lawyer asks you again. Looking over at Buck, his eyes fixed on yours, “I already lost him.” you say, looking back at Buck. You felt sick to say the least. Buck’s face went blank, any show of emotion that was there was now replaced with sadness. 

“That’s all, your honour” the stupid lawyer seemed pleased with himself. Buck begins whispering to him as you get off the stand, “Court will be resumed tomorrow.” the judge calls out, banging the gavel. You make your way over to the team, Eddie pulls you into a hug. You broke down the moment his arms wrapped around you, he held you close for a few moments before whispering, “c’mon, don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you like this” you nodded, wiping away the tears with your fingers. Bobby turns to you, “I’m sorry” “for what ? It’s not your fault Cap” he gives you a smile, telling the 4 of you to go ahead as he talks to the lawyer about what happens next. 

The 4 of you get on the elevator, Eddie and Hen stood behind you and Chim. Buck comes running out of the courtroom and looks around, he spots the 4 of you in the elevator. “Guys!” he comes running towards the elevator, your body goes tense. Turning away from the doors, your body is facing Hen now. You can hear Chim mumbling “come on, close faster” as he pushes the button a few times. It closes just before Buck reaches the elevator. 

Hen pulls you into a hug, “he's not even worth the time y/n. Don’t let him have those precious tears” she smiles, your head rests on her shoulder. 

--

Weeks have gone by and things were starting to get back to normal. You told the team about your husband after the day at court and they understood why you didn't talk about it. They didn't pressure you into telling what you didn't want top, they simply listened. 

Buck returned to work as of last week, he dropped the lawsuit but the tension was still high in the station. Chim and Hen spoke to him like normal, as did Bobby although he was a bit harsher towards Buck, but Buck brought that on himself. Eddie was furious with him, furious because he lost his best friend, furious because he couldn’t bring himself to forgive him and furious because Buck never once stopped to think about what this lawsuit could and did to the team. 

All was quiet in the fire station, an odd occurrence. Hen, Chim and Bobby were on a call, you were laying on the couch, reading some cookbook that Bobby left lying around. Eddie was down by the trucks, you weren't sure what he was doing but you could hear him grunting and the occasional thud. You just assumed he was fixing something or working out. 

“Hey” Buck’s voice echoed through the station, it was quiet after that. He and Eddie began talking, you sat up and listened to their conversation. It was mostly Eddie shouting and Buck answering him but it seemed like they came to terms, if not back to normal than at least friendly ones, for the sake of the team. 

The sound of your boots thudding with each step caught their attention, Buck walked halfway towards you and watched as you walked towards him. 

“Y/n..” he looked at you, you walked past as if he wasn't there. 

“Tell Bobby I'm not feeling well. I’ll be in tomorrow” you say to Eddie, he nods. 

Buck turns, watching as you walk out the station, You could feel his eyes burning into you as you left. 

--

A knock on the door, rolling over you see that it’s only 7:30 and you didn't have to be in until 9:30. “I’m coming” you shout, dragging yourself out of bed. 

Who the hell keeps banging on the door? 

“I said I'm com-” you shout once more as you open the door, “Cap ?” you yawn. “Can I come in ?” he steps inside anyways. 

“Um why are you here? Not that I mind but like I'm still in pjs and I was sleeping” you yawn again, shuffling over to the bar stool by the counter. Bobby walks around to the other side and opens the fridge, he had brought you coffee too. 

“I wanted to talk, but I brought coffee too because as you said, you were sleeping and I figured if I was going to disturb yourself, the least I could do was bring you some coffee” he smiled at you. 

“Are you looking for something ?” 

“Eggs, I'm making breakfast” 

“For who ?” 

“You, until someone else is here?” he looks over at you, you shake your head and take a sip of the coffee. 

Talk about heaven in a cup. 

“I heard Eddie and Buck are talking again” he turns on the stove, his back is facing you. “And?” “maybe you should talk to him too” 

“Bobby, I'm not going to do that.” 

“I’m not saying you need to be friends but at least, hear him out. I know what he did was wrong and he knows that too. If you don't want to do it for him, do it for the team, we can't keep walking on eggshells around you two” 

“But I'm not asking y’all to do that” 

“I know. You can't tell me that you don't feel the tension in the station. Everyone scared to mention Buck around you because they don't want to upset you and we don't mention you around him because he looks like he’s going to cry every time we say your name” 

Sighing, your hand slides down your face. You were at a crossroads. One side was forgiving Buck and moving on and the other was not forgiving him and never talking again. Bobby’s voice pulled you from your thoughts. 

“I’m telling you this not only as your captain and for the sake of the team but as your friend, because I care about you and I care about Buck. I’m tired of you two not speaking to each other, I just want us to be a family again.” 

“Fine, no promises that anything good will come of it but if it means so much to you, I'll try.” 

-- 

“Heard you wanted to talk ?” his shoes squished into the wet grass as he made his way over to you. You wanted to meet somewhere public, just to ensure that you don't strangle him with the nearly available cord. 

“I did” you looked over your shoulder, buck walked around and sat beside you on the bench. “Why did you tell him ?” looking at the man across from you, you needed to know. 

“He wanted to know about you guys, everything I could tell them, I did.” 

“Everything ? So you told them about Bobby’s wife and kids? Or that Eddie was sleeping with his ex but she died ? Or maybe that Hen cheated on her wife with her ex girlfriend that just got out of jail,” you scoffed, “did you mention that Chim’s ex didn't want him but she got married and pregnant within months of breaking up with him?” 

“I-i didn’t” 

“So why’d you tell them about him ? You know I didn't tell anyone else, you knew it was hard for me to talk about and that wasn't even relevant to the stupid case!” 

“Y/n.. I'm sorry” 

“I don't want your stupid apology Buck, that isn't going to change what already happened.”

All you saw and felt was red, there was no way you could get over what he did. You loved the 118 like your family, there was no you were going to leave either nor would you expect him to leave either. Buck’s fingers drummed against his knee, he was staring off ahead at something. 

“Bobby wants me to forgive you.” you broke the silence

“Do you want to forgive me?” he asked you, looking over in your direction. Your heart broke when you looked at Buck, he looked sad. 

“No,” leaning back against the bench, he sighs and gets up. “But I don’t want things to stay this way” you look up at him. 

“Neither do I” 

“I can't forgive you buck, but I can try to move on” 

“Things won’t be the same” his hand rests on top of yours,

“They never will be.” 

--

taglist: @venusrosepetal​ @advicefromnixxxx​ @dralexreid​ @ssa-volturi​ @keenmarvellover​

[bridgyrose]

Weiss spends so much time fussing over "the perfect wedding" for Ruby that she's too sick to participate.

Weiss looked over the checklist once more as another delivery truck stopped at the venue she rented. All it took was a few strings pulled to rent out a gathering hall in the outskirts of Vale. “We need flowers by the fountain and make sure you have red and black roses mixed evenly together on each side. I refuse to let this wedding go to shambles.” 

Ruby sighed and sat down in a chair next to Weiss. “Are you sure this is all… necessary? I know I asked you to help me plan the wedding-” 

“And all you have to do is leave it to me.” Weiss started to walk around the floor to make sure the seating arrangements were perfect. “I’ll make sure your wedding is one that you’ll never forget.” 

“But dont you think this is a bit… much?” Ruby got up and followed Weiss and took a small look at the checklist. “I mean the flowers are nice, but there’s so many of them-” she paused as an ice sculpture was wheeled into the venue. “...is that an ice sculpture of Blake and I fighting an ursa?” 

“Of course, I wanted to make sure that your exploits were on display for all to see.” Weiss looked up from her clipboard and frowned. “I said we’re using the eggshell tablecloths with the frills, not the ivory ones!” 

“The wedding isnt for another couple days, why dont you relax a bit and pick this up later?” 

“If I stop now, then it wont be perfect for you.” 

“That’s the thing, I dont care if its perfect or not,” Ruby explained and gestured to the room. “Blake and I want to have a small gathering of our friends and family. We dont need all of… this.” 

“And you were the one who left me in charge of all the planning.” Weiss paused and started to flip through a few sheets of paper. “You havent found a dress yet.” 

“Well, not exactly-” 

Weiss quickly started to push Ruby out of the venue. “Then you need to get going and try on a few dresses. I’ve sent you the list of bridal shops to go to and try on dresses that you can put on my tab. All you have to do is let them know what you’re looking for and they’ll do all the work.” 

“But Weiss-” 

“No buts!” Weiss pushed Ruby out the door and smiled at her. “I promise, I wont go overboard with the wedding planning. Now please go find a dress you want to wear.” 

Ruby sighed. “Fine, but you have to promise me that you’ll take a break tomorrow. I know you havent eaten or slept well since you’ve started making all the preparations and you cant keep pushing yourself like this.” 

“I’ll be fine. Now go. I dont want you to be late for the bachelorette party. I’ll be there once I’m done here.” 

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ruby sighed and paced around in her changing room. “Its not like Weiss to be late…” 

“Alright, I’ll tell her.” Yang sighed as her call ended and put her scroll away into her tux pocket. “Weiss is sick and isnt going to be able to make it.” 

“I told her not to overdo it…” 

Yang smiled and put a hand on Ruby’s shoulder. “Rubes, everything will be fine.” 

“I know, I know… I’m just… “ Ruby sat down and looked at her reflection. “She was supposed to be my maid of honor and I cant just replace her.” 

“Then dont.” 

Ruby nodded and took a deep breath. “I still dont want her to miss this. Maybe we can put this off-” 

“Your wedding is going to be recorded so she’ll see it then.” Yang walked up behind Ruby and smiled at her. “Just focus on your part and you’ll be fine.” 

Taiyang knocked on the door as he slowly opened it. “Ruby, its about time to start. We’re all waiting for you.” 

Ruby nodded and stood up to take her father’s arm. She put up a nervous smile as her father walked her to the aisle. As the music started and the door opened, a blush spread across her cheeks as she saw Blake in her tux. She leaned over to her father and whispered. “Is it bad I’m nervous?” 

Taiyang shook his head. “Everyone’s nervous when they get married. Just remember to take slow steps.” 

Ruby took a breath and slowly walked down the aisle. Her smile relaxed as she made her way to Blake, her hands nervously fumbling with the bouquet she held, and the world seemed to slow as she looked into Blake’s eyes, ready for her next adventure. 

[thewritingstar]

Ignite

SoMa Week 2021 Day One: Burn 

Pairing: SoMa (Soul x Maka)

Fandom: Soul Eater 

Note: This is my first time participating in SoXa week! Also its my finals week so im stressed about tests and my second vaccine dose is kicking my butt but I thought instead of studying, lets write a fic. I’ve been really into soul eater recently and started the manga, so you’ll see some new fics for it here and there. Anyways, enjoy! 

@soulxmakaweek

---

Her view of love had burnt out a long time ago. She was hopeful at times to think someone could be loyal and love her for eternity but that fear of being left behind and abandoned again would destroy any hope of that. 

She had thought it was written in stone. From a young age she didn’t think about marriage, didn’t care about relationships because she wasn’t willing to risk the burn marks on her heart for just a sliver of satisfaction. There was nothing anyone could say to her to change her mind, she knew that, more importantly, he knew that. 

But slowly that mindset started to challenge her heart. The moment she asked Soul to be her partner when they were teenagers, she felt a spark. It was small and only lasted a fraction of a second when he said yes and gave her a smirk she dared not say she liked. For a moment she had forgotten about her pact, never fall in love, but it came back quickly as it left. 

She repeated those words more frequently than not. The mirror had begun to memorize the movement of her lips as she looked at herself and scolded anything that remotely resembled a romantic interest. 

Every so often a brave boy would come up to her with a card and some flowers and try his hand at Maka’s heart. She would be as kind as possible to turn them down but she never missed the way Soul’s lips turned up into a smirk. Soon she was seen as untouchable, no one could woo her or they would be too threatened by Soul to even try. 

It was a relief to Soul to see boys not trying to win over Maka but a part of him wondered if she would ever let herself fall for anyone. 

--

“Do we really have to go to this dance?” Soul grumbled as he fixed his tie for the tenth time. 

Maka sighed from the bathroom. “Yes Soul. Its our duty as successful students to make an appearance. Plus I heard that there is going to be good food.” 

Soul rolled his eyes as he plopped onto the couch. “Its been five years since we graduated, do people even care about us?” He smirked as he heard her scoff from the hallway. 

“No, Im sure no one cares about the current death weapon or the amazing person who not only made said weapon but is also one of the best teachers at the academy.” 

“Relax Maka, I’m just teasing. Now hurry up or we are gonna be late and I am not about to be scolded by Kid for that.” 

“Alright.” She huffed and finished her makeup with a swipe of lip gloss. “I’m coming. How do I look?” She asked. 

It was a simple question, one he was used to answering often with a “fine. good. who cares, lets go.” But lately he's been trying to hold in his actual thoughts. 

Maka stared at him, those olive green eyes that he became more attracted to lately. There was an untacked about chemistry that had been hovering around them for the past few years and slowly, he was loosing the battle on keeping it in place. 

Her dress was black with off the shoulder sleeves and cut off mid-thigh. Something classy and elegant but still fun to twirl in. Her heels boosted her to his eye level and her hair was up in an updo with some blonde framing her face.

“Soul?” She asked him and he cleared his throat before grabbing his keys. 

“Uh, you look perfect. We should really be going.” Way to be cool about it, he scolded himself.  

Maka grabbed her purse and followed him out the door. Deep down she could feel a small spark of desire flare but quickly, she pushed it down and got into the car. 

--

The dance was nothing less than perfection. Every dish, napkin, balloon and streamer was in a proper place with symmetry as its main function. Kid apparently had spent a week decorating the place himself just to insure that it was nothing less than his standards. 

“He really out did himself, huh?” Soul commented as he looked around the room. 

“He sure did.” Maka said. 

There were a mix of students and faculty on the dance floor already. Kid was standing towards the back with Black Star while Tsubaki, Patty and Liz were chatting near them. 

“It brings me back to when you forced me to these thing when we were kids.” Soul said as they made their way across the room. 

Maka laughed. “Guess things haven’t changed much.” 

They parted ways, Soul going towards the guys and Maka joining the girls. 

“Oh Maka you look so cute!” Patty complimented her. 

Maka smiled. “You all look so good too.” 

Liz finished her drink before looking towards the boys. “I bet Soul likes this number on you.” She winked and Maka took a glass on a near by tray and gulped it down. 

“Aww don’t tease the clueless love birds.” Tsubaki giggled. 

“There nothing to tell.” Maka tried to reason but none of the girls believed her for a moment. “I’m not even his type.” She rushed out and Liz almost started to choke on her drink. 

“Are you kidding? The smartest girl in the school, no the city and she's dumb as a rock when it comes to the love sick scythe.” 

Maka swatted Liz’s arm and rolled her eyes. Behind her she heard someone clear their throat. 

“Maka?” 

She turned to see Peter, a fellow teacher who specialized in weapon training of the lower grade levels. 

“Oh hi Peter, how are you?” Maka greeted and the rest of the girls waved politely. 

“Good. I was wondering if you wanted to dance maybe?” He asked.

She expected to hear the girls snickering and giggling but instead she was met with silence and a smug cough from Liz.

“Oh, uh.” She started. 

“Come on, it will be fun.” He said and took her hand, pulling her to the dance floor without giving her a chance. 

A small squeak escaped her lips as she almost crashed into his chest. His hands found their way to her hips as he swayed to the music. Although she had always found their conversations nice and refreshing, he wasn’t the type of man that was, well, her type. 

“You know Maka, I’ve always admired you.” He said. 

She looked up at him and offered a polite smile. “Oh really?” 

“So brave and smart, makes sense that the top teacher was also the top student.” 

She laughed slightly. “Well I couldn’t have done it without my partner.” 

Peter quickly caught his frown. “Yeah, Soul. Nice dude.” 

“He likes to consider himself a ride or die.” She smiled to herself. 

Peter grunted something she couldn’t make out and spun her around. She saw Soul walking towards the balcony doors just as she came back to Peter’s front. 

“Anyways, I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me, you know, like a date?” 

Maka stopped in her tracks. Date. No. She didn’t want that. She gave up on that a long time ago. 

“Look Peter, you’re a nice guy and I have a great time working with you, but I’m just not looking for anything.” 

“Oh. I just thought you and I we're getting to be good friends.” 

“Well I like chatting with you and grading stuff but I really am not into dating right now. Sorry.” 

“I get it, Soul would be jealous.” He scoffed and stepped back. “ I should have listened.” 

“Listened to what?” She demanded.

He had the audacity to smile at her. “Oh please. Ever since school, everyone knew that it was you and Soul. I just thought that since nothing has happened yet, you would be on the market.” 

That rubbed her the wrong way and her face turned sour. 

“Well sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not some slab of meat. See you on Monday.” She scoffed and walked away from him. Instead of going back to her friends, she stormed towards the balcony and greeted the cool air to help calm her down. 

“That was quick.” Soul teased and he held out his hand to help her up, making sure her dress didn’t get caught. 

“Quick enough for a dance just to ask me out and get mad when I said no.”  

Soul turned towards her. “Oh? Another ego bruised?” 

“He said he had been waiting for me to be on the market.” She spat. “Disgusting behavior.” 

Soul let out a laugh and threw his arm over her shoulder. “Men are stupid, you’re smart to not go near them.” 

“You’re not stupid, most of the time.” She mumbled. 

“The difference between me and those guys is I’ve had my ass handed to me by you. I know not to mess with the bull. Plus, I actually have respect for you and women, like a cool person should.” 

“Yeah. He then said that you would be jealous.” 

They watched the sun begin to set slowly. Sometimes Maka wondered what it would feel like to be the sun. Eternal warmth. Being a constant in peoples lives. She looked to Soul who seemed a little lost in thought. That spark coming to the surface and she wondered why she didn’t allow herself to what she wanted.

For years she had made sure that their partnership never faltered from that.  She couldn’t risk anything happening to them because she wasn’t sure if she would be able to trust another weapon the way she did with him. She also didn’t want to partner with anyone else. 

She enjoyed his company. Enjoyed the way that he could make her smile and feel comfortable. Most importantly, he stuck to his word. She never once felt like he would leave and when he said he was going to be there, she believed him. 

Sometimes she wished she could just scream at him and tell him that she had been in love with him for years. That her talks about marriage and love never once applied to him and if he asked, she would be his forever. 

“I think he's right.” Soul started. “Its always been you and me. I probably wouldn’t like the attention taken. Stupid, I know.” 

“Its not, because I think I know why no one else sparks my interest.” She took a breath and stared at him. Those crimson eyes that held a sense of comfort and form of love that was now crystal clear. “I don’t think anyone else comes close to how I see you. The stolen glances and walking on the eggshells of feelings I pushed down long ago. I get it now Soul. You never asked because you waited for me.” 

He let out a laugh from his chest and jumped down before offering his hand. “The moment I met you Maka? I knew we were end game, I was just hoping you saw it too.” 

When she looked at Soul, she could sense the last little flames igniting. She could have crushed them, put them out with the bottom of her shoe and never let them rise again. She could of finally removed all the pain her parents marriage caused her and not let anything happen to her heart. 

And when she thought that her idea of love was burnt to a crisp, she didn’t realize that those tiny embers had slowly grown into a burning fire. Only one person fanned the flames of her heart and she wonders why she couldn’t see it all those years ago. 

But instead she looked into his eyes and saw nothing but trust. His smile was genuine and there was a faint blush on his cheeks as he waited for her answer. Deep down the embers sparked as she took his hand and she felt the fire take over. 

She took his hand and he gently pulled her close until their noses touch and he placed a kiss on her knuckles. She could barely hear the music playing inside but it felt like a symphony was surrounding them. He began to hum a tune and stepped to lead her in their dance. 

She giggled as he twirled her. It felt freeing, it felt right, it was perfect. He brought her back to his chest and with a big smile, he looked down at her. 

“Maka?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I kiss you?” 

“Yes.” 

He pulled her close, taking her lips and kissing her just like he wanted to for as long as he could remember. Her lips were soft and he could feel the curl of her lips as she smiled against him. 

The fire within her erupted brighter than before. The sense of longing for another began to be fulfilled and any doubts she had began to shrink. Any doubts she had with Soul had been long gone. He was her constant, the person who was always there no matter what. She never had to ask or even say a word for him to be by her side. 

Her idea of love had been crushed when she had been a girl. She had thought that no one could change that. Perhaps she would spend her life not knowing what life could have been with a full heart. 

But as she held Soul close to her, it became clear that he was the one to hold the match to those embers. He was a reminder that love could exist and be devoted to another. 

He was the fire that burned in her heart and she gladly excepted the warmth. 

“Hey Soul?” She whispered against his lips. 

“Yeah?” 

“I love you.” 

She didn’t think his smile could get any bigger as he told her the same and kissed her again. 

----

I hope you enjoyed :) 

[dreamescapeswriting]

BTS Reaction | You’re Sensitive [Request]

Seokjin:

"It was just a joke!" Jin said as you sat in the living room of your shared apartment trying not to cry. You were staring at the wall trying to distract your mind from what he'd said, you were counting the Artex lines that were along the wall to keep your mind busy but it wasn't working. His words were still seeping into your brain and making you want to burst into tears.

"It isn't a joke Jin, it hurt." You mumbled back to him and he just stared at you, he knew you were sensitive to things but he had no idea you were this sensitive to everything. He'd only made a small comment about you spending so much time with Hoseok,

'If you love Hoseok so much why don't you just go and be with him' that was it. That's all it was and yet here you were crying about it on the sofa like a giant baby.

"It was how you said it, do you really think I love him like that? Do you think I'd leave you to go and be with someone else, is that how little you think of me?" Jin scoffed at you and threw his hands up into the air, he was having enough of having to walk around eggshells on you.

"You're so fucking overly sensitive! I can't make one joke without you crying about it!" The words left his mouth before he could process them and your eyes filled with tears as soon as you heard him,

"Well if I'm such a problem, why do you even stay with me?!" You yelled at him finally having enough of being called sensitive all the time, it was always that you were 'sensitive' you 'couldn't take a joke' when some of the things he said were just plain hurtful to you. You threw down the pillow you'd been clutching and pushed past him to go upstairs to the room, you weren't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry over one of the comments he'd made.

"Y/n wait!" You slammed and locked the bedroom door so he couldn't follow you inside but he stood there banging on it trying to get you to listen to him.

"I'll stay here all night if I have to." You laid on the bed pulling one of the pillows over your ears so you wouldn't have to listen to him.

(X)

Something banging on the bedroom window woke you up and you sat bolt upright scared someone was trying to break into the house, you went to wake Jin up when you remembered you'd locked him out of the bedroom.

"Can you let me in before someone calls the police please," You heard him groan from outside the window and you got up rushing over to the balcony window to see him standing on the small ledge.

"How did you get up here and why?" You opened the door and he climbed through and stood in front of you,

"I went out to get your favourite chocolates to say sorry with and I forgot my keys, we usually leave our balcony door unlocked so I thought if I climbed up here and came in it wouldn't be bad but then the door was locked." You giggled at him and noticed he was shivering so you walked over to the bed and grabbed one of the many blankets you had on the bed.

"Here, you're freezing." You pouted wrapping it around his shoulders and sitting him on the edge of the bed,

"I'm sorry I said what I said, I didn't mean it." You shook your head and snuggled down next to him trying to warm him up.

"I don't mean to be sensitive Jin, it's just the way I am...I'll learn to takes jokes and not cry about everything, I promise." He wrapped his arm around you and you squealed at how cold his skin was against yours.

"And I promise to lighten up on the jokes." You smiled and looked up at him,

"I love you but can you get your arm off me, you're frozen." He cocked his head to the side,

"I'm cold? I hadn't noticed." He moved his hands and put them up the back of your shirt making you scream out as his freezing cold hands came into contact with your warm body.

"JIN!" You cried out trying to get away from him but he kept his grasp on you.

Yoongi:

"Baby we were supposed to go out over an hour ago," You ran your hands over Yoongi's shoulders but he hadn't moved. He'd promised to take you out to dinner but here you were still sitting in his studio and waiting for him to move.

"Give me five more minutes," You rolled your eyes and sat on the sofa looking at him from behind, you loved how hard he worked but you wanted to go out and spend time with your boyfriend before he left for tour.

"You said that 45 minutes ago," You mumbled not expecting him to hear you but he did,

"Look I'm busy!" You stared at him as he raised his voice at you which wasn't something he did very often because he knew that you were a little sensitive when it came to yelling and fighting.

"Look, now you're going to start crying like the big baby you are!" He yelled again not meaning for his words to come out so harsh but he was behind on work and if he didn't have the song he was working on finished he would be in big trouble with everyone. Your eyes filled with tears as he turned away from you and back to his work.

"If you're gonna cry like you always do, be quiet about it," He mumbled not turning around to face you if he had he would have seen you quietly leaving the room and going home where you could be alone to cry about what he'd said. You don't know why you were sensitive like this but you'd always been that way, whenever someone would yell at you or give you a dirty look you would just be overwhelmed with emotions and start crying. Even when you brothers would try to pick fights, you'd just end up crying and locking yourself away.

(X)

Yoongi got in late that night and expected to find you in the bedroom but you weren't there, your clothes and shoes were all still in the house so he knew you had to be somewhere.

"Jagi?" He pushed the spare bedroom door open and found you curled up on the bed with one of his shirts on, he hadn't meant to hurt your feelings. He made his way into the room and picked you up from the bed carrying you into your shared bedroom,

"What are you doing?" You grumbled as he laid you down on the bed, he stripped off into his boxers and climbed in behind.

"I'm not going to sleep without you." You were tense beside him and he knew you were mad about what he had said but he also knew you weren't going to say anything because it wasn't like you to bring things back up.

"I'm sorry about what I said, I didn't mean to call you a big baby...I'm just stressed out and the song was late." He felt you relax a little as he spoke and explained everything.

"You should have told me it was late, I would have stopped bothering you." He shook his head and put his head in your neck kissing your skin softly as he started to drift off to sleep.

Hoseok:

You were in the dance studio with all of the boys you and Hoseok had planned to have a relaxing day of dancing and spending time to one another but it had slowly transitioned into all of you competing to see who could do the best dance moves.

"Y/n is the better dancer Hobi," Jimin joked looking at Hoseok as he was bent over panting and sweating heavily you shook your head at Jimin and ignored him but he continued to go on. Then he started to flirt with you in front of Hoseok and you could tell that Hobi was getting annoyed with but it was no big deal, Jimin flirted with you all of the time. It was Jimin, he flirted with everybody all of the time.

"You always let him do that," Hoseok said when the boys left you alone to go and get some lunch.

"What?" You laughed wiping your face on a towel and looking over at Hobi but he wasn't laughing, he looked mad.

"You always flirt with him, are you guys going behind my back or something?!" You knew he was angry but he had no right to accuse you of cheating on him with one of his best friends.

"Hobi, me nad Jimin...We're just friends." You said to him but he couldn't see past the fact that Jimin was flirting with you openly in front of him,

"So you just flirt with all of my friends? Are you sleeping with them all?" You ignored him because you knew he was just upset over Jimin, he didn't mean anything he was saying.

"Well!? Are you!?" His voice was louder than before and it made you tear up as he yelled at you, you ran out of the room without grabbing anything and bumped into Jimin who laughed when he saw you tearing up.

"Awe baby is crying, what's up did Hoseok start yelling about the dance being wrong?" You burst into tears and ran down the hall ignoring their pleas for you to come back and talk to them.

"I didn't mean it!" Jimin screamed but you were already out of the building and into the parking lot...With no keys because you'd left everything in the dance studio.

(X)

It was late by the time you got home, Hoseok had been worried sick since the moment he got home and you weren't there.

"Where have you been? I've been calling you," You stared up at him as he stopped you from walking away from him.

"I left my keys and phone at the building,"

"So...You just decided to walk home instead of coming back in." You shrugged your shoulders as if it was no big deal that it was midnight and you'd only just come in.

"I've been worried sick." You stared at him and felt bad that he was worried but at the same time, a part of you was still mad at him for yelling and accusing you of cheating on him.

"I didn't mean it, I know what I said was hurtful-"

"It wasn't you that made me not want to go back in...It was the boys. Jimin made a joke about me being a baby and I didn't want to go back in." He nodded, Jimin had told him what he said jokingly to you but Hoseok knew just as well as you did that you were overly sensitive about things, it was just the way you were wired.

"How about we go up to bed, I take the day off tomorrow and we spend all day together?" You nodded at his suggestion and yawned feeling tired from dancing all day and then the long walk home that you had.

Namjoon:

It was a small fight that had spread over the span of three days, it wasn't a big deal you were just fighting over something stupid and immature but it was still a fight.

"You want something to eat?" You asked Namjoon as you walked into his studio with Jin behind you. You were fighting but you still had to make sure he was taking care of himself and eating properly.

"You could fucking knock you now," He grumbled at you not even turning around from his desk, you were used to the comments from him by now but it still hurt whenever he swore in your direction.

"Just answer the question, food? Yes or no," He rolled his eyes at you and went to turn around but span too quickly on his chair and knocked a glass flying your direction. It smashed against the floor and he started yelling about how it was your fault,

"I wasn't even on that side of the room," You laughed about it but Namjoon didn't find any of it funny.

"It's not funny! Why do you think everything is funny? You're always the first to laugh when something like this happens but the moment you break something you sit and cry like a child about it! Explain that one to me." You dropped the shards of glass you'd been cleaning up and stared at him, tears already beginning to form in your eyes from the comment he had made.

"There you go again! Crying! Always fucking crying, do you have any idea how pathetic you look?" You stood up from the floor and pushed past Jin who had been watching the whole event unfold,

"Dude!" Jin said to Namjoon who was still cleaning up the glass instead of focusing on how much he'd hurt your feelings.

(x)

Namjoon found you a couple of hours later sitting in one of the empty studios on your phone,

"What do you want?" You questioned not tearing your eyes away from the screen, there was nothing of interest there but you didn't want to go running to Namjoon now he was back.

"I didn't mean what I said, you're not pathetic...You're just sensitive and I should have been nicer about it, you were only trying to help me." You nodded along with him and he sat down beside you on the sofa, lifting your head up to lay it on his lap.

"I've just been so preoccupied with the album that I pushed you away and you were trying to make sure I stayed healthy, I'm sorry." You smiled softly up at him and he bent down to kiss your forehead.

"Is the offer for food still on the table? Because I would love to have some of that Thai food you had the other day." He whispered to you as you stared up at him,

"You're buying then." You joked sitting up and searching for the menu online, he kissed your cheek and stared at you while you concentrated. He knew he was lucky to have you and he was going to have to start being nicer whenever you fought, he hated seeing you upset and hated being the cause of it.

Jimin:

You were all just sitting in the dorms playing the new Mario Kart game that had been realised and it was your fourth try. You were all taking it in turns to go against Namjoon who was the undefeated champion of the dorms but you lost again.

"Too bad Y/n," Jungkook sighed taking the controller from your hands to start another round with Namjoon. You'd all been playing for the last hour and it had been fun until JImin made a side comment,

"Don't say that Jungkook she might start crying." Your breath hitched in your throat but you kept your eyes forward pretending not to have heard him. You and Jimin had never gotten along and he'd made it clear from the moment Jungkook brought you around to hang out that he didn't like you.

"That's a little harsh..." Hoseok whispered to Jimin, both of them thought they were good at whispering but you could hear every word they were saying to one another.

"It's true, Jungkook told me she cries whenever someone yells at her." Jimin laughed and you slowly got up from the floor excusing yourself and rushing off in the direction of the dorms bathroom. Jimin scoffed and turned to Hoseok,

"Told you. She's just too sensitive for everything."

(X)

An hour later there was a knock on the bathroom door but you stayed silent since you weren't in the bathroom, you'd snuck into Jungkook's bedroom so that you could cry alone for a little while. You always thought Jimin hated you because somewhere deep down he liked you but he made it clear that night that it wasn't true.

"Y/n?" It was his voice, you wiped your face quickly and opened Jungkook's door.

"I'm not in there, it's fine." You kept your gaze at the floor so he wouldn't see that you'd been crying but he walked over to you and looked at you.

"The boys have gone to dinner, I wasn't hungry and they sort of forgot you were here...Do you want me to order something for you?" You shook your head and looked at the time.

"I should go. Tell Jungkook I said-" He grabbed onto your hand and you felt a tingle rushed through your body and your heart began to race as he held you in place.

"Look, I didn't mean what I said earlier...I was being mean and I didn't have a right to be." You shook your head telling him it was no big deal but he wouldn't let go of you yet.

"You're always mean to me Jimin, no big deal." He realised that he had been mean to you ever since the first day he met you but he didn't mean to be.

"I'm mean because I don't know how to deal with the emotions you make me feel." Your eyes looked up into his for the first time that night and he sighed seeing how bloodshot yours were.

"Let me order us something to eat and we can talk about this. The last time I ever wanted to do was hurt your feelings," He placed his hand on your cheek and used his thumb to wipe away from of the tear stains that were there.

"Let me make it up to you." He begged and you nodded at him,

"I am kind of hungry I guess." He chuckled and pulled you towards the kitchen - with his hand still locked in yours - where all of the take out menus were kept.

Taehyung:

You couldn't even remember how all of this had started, you could just remember Taehyung yelling at you and then all of the boys making a joke about how you were going to go home and cry about it. They all knew that you cried whenever someone yelled, broke something or said something in a mean way to you but you never would have thought they would joke about it as they had. You'd pretended not to be bothered by their comments but as the night went on they seemed to get worse with it, making jokes about you crying over spilt milk, crying because you couldn't get your own way until Jungkook ended up knocking over a glass and watching it shatter.

"Queue the waterworks in 5...4...3...2...1." You got up from the sofa and stormed off in the direction of Taehyung's bedroom, you thought your boyfriend would have defended you against them but it hadn't happened. You laid on the bed trying not to cry, you didn't want to be overly sensitive about things but it was just the way you worked, you'd always been this way even as a kid.  

"Think we hurt their feelings?" Jin asked looking over at Taehyung who was staring off after you,

"Yeah. I'll go and check on them." He got up from the sofa and went to the bedroom, he knocked but you didn't answer him. You just pretended to be asleep when he walked through the door, you didn't want him or the others to see that you'd been crying form their comments.

(X)

"The boys didn't mean it, you know that right." Taehyung had come back to his room a couple of hours later when he realised you weren't going to come out and you hadn't been asleep.

"It still hurt...I know It was a joke but it's-"

"I'll talk to them tomorrow about it, I should have said something tonight but I thought you would find it funny." You snuggled your head into his chest and he kissed the top of your head softly, running his hands up and down your back as he tried to get you to fall asleep beside him.

"I don't mean to be overly sensitive Tae," You yawned as you finished your sentence and he pulled you closer to him wanting to make sure you were okay with one another before you went to sleep. He never wanted to fight with you and go to bed angry, it wasn't good or healthy for a relationship.

"Shh, it's alright. I'll talk to them and I'll get them to stop, I promise." You thanked him and closed your eyes as he rubbed your lower back trying to get you to drift off in his arms.

Jungkook:

It was stupid to fight over something so small, it was literally a fight over a video game. You'd mentioned you felt he was ignoring you since the new update to the video game Jungkook played so much had come out and he called you a needy baby which resulted in you crying and him continuing to call you over-sensitive and needy.

"If I'm so needy don't talk to me then!" Was the last thing you'd said to him before ignoring him all day but it hadn't worked out. He was so into his game he hadn't even noticed you were ignoring him because he wasn't talking to you.

"Mmm Jagi, what are you cooking?" You stood over the oven ignoring him even as he wrapped his arms around your waist and kissed your cheek. Now whatever the game he was playing on was over he wanted to know you? You weren't going to give him the attention he wanted. You moved away and plated up your food before going to eat in the living room.

"Are you ignoring me?" You stared at the TV as the new show you were binging played and he stood in front of you so you moved around him to see.

"Hey! What did I do?" He questioned turning the TV off so you would answer him or at least give him some kind of recognition.

"Hmm I don't know Jungkook, maybe I'm just being sensitive and needy." You mumbled putting down the full plate of food and going to the staircase but he grabbed onto your wrist to stop you from moving.

"Jungkook let go of me, I'm not in the mood." You whispered but he continued to hold onto your arm until you looked at him.

"I didn't mean it, I was just being a dick because of the game..." You looked at him and you could tell he meant he was sorry but it didn't make it hurt you any less.

"I'll make it up to you, no video games all weekend and I'll even watch that new show you've been watching," He promised you and you walked closer to him,

"From the start?" You giggled looking up at him as he rolled his eyes and nodded.

"From the start." He confirmed before grunting as you pulled him back into the living room and gave him a run down on what the show was all about.

Tagline: 

@writingdreamsnottragedies​ @yoongisdumplingcheeks​ @snowy-meowl​ @lynnthevirgo​ @jooniesdarlingdimples​ @fan-ati--c​ @lyoongx​ @mitzwinchester​ @callingmyangel​ @rjsmochii​ @btsiguess-kpop​ @kneel-begyourpardon​ @taestannie​

[whitefawnn]

blood lettings (pt.4)

(c!wilbur x reader)

pt. 1   pt. 2   pt. 3  pt. 5  AO3

warnings: manipulation, vampirism, blood, disassociation, nightmares

note: read the warnings

Mirror, why am I always looking in the mirror? And god why do I always look back?

My eyes are beaty, almost completely black. I reach up to pull at my face with numb fingers. Push back the skin like I’m looking for something. I lift my lip up revealing sharp canines, the teeth of a predator. My brain is stopped at the sight. It can’t be real? Did I die? I pull down at my eyelids, search my arms for a sign, anything to explain, and once I look back up I see it. My eyes trailing over my neck; The expanse of skin covered in bite marks. Scabs, scars, and fresh and grotesque bruises litter my skin. My neck a sign of being used and owned, I feel sick. I’m always fucking sick.

I feel hands wrap around my waist from behind. I quickly lookup in the mirror to see Wilbur. His eyes scarlet, pupils blown wide. He roughly pulls me against him. 

“Mine, all mine” He stares into me through the mirror, his voice all wrong. It’s scratchy, hard to even distinguish as words. 

“No, no, no” he buries his head into my neck, and it feels all too familiar.

“It’s okay, you won’t last long.” I feel his fangs press into my skin, a burning in my veins. 

I wake up in a jolt, my body rushing up in the strangely comfortable bed. My hands immediately holding my neck to find it unmarred, merely two marks to stand up to the thousands I’d seen in my nightmare.

“Wilbur, wouldn’t do that” I mutter to myself, rubbing my arms in comfort. I steadied my breathing looking around the unfamiliar room. Last time I checked I was on a horse? A window casts long shadows across the room, the moon illuminating a rectangle on the floorboards. The walls are dark oak, red curtains line the massive window, vermillion carpet adorning the floor, and a mass of books loomed over me from the farthest wall, it looked to be a taken-over woodland mansion from what I could tell. I remembered going to one with Ranboo, he insisted we needed totems, but I told him no one would need to fight anymore since Dream was imprisoned. I knew I was lying then as much as I do now. Everyone knew Dream would get out, it had just been a matter of time. 

I got to my feet, swinging them over the massive bed. Wandering out into the hallway, I padded down the scarlet carpet, it muffling my footsteps. I needed to find Wilbur. 

“Tsk, tsk. Miss sleeping beauty is finally awake, huh?” I spun around to be met by a crude insidious mask hovering above me. The smile seemed more deep set than his last one, the white paint not covering the wood due to a lack of sanding. “You like it, sweetheart?” I recoiled at the affectionate nickname, backing away from him. 

“Where’s Wilbur?” I asked, steeling myself enough to be able talk to him.

“It’s always Wilbur this Wilbur that ever since I’ve gotten out. Can’t we have some time together?”

“No, we can’t, Dream.” I push malice into my voice as he lifted his head, a motion that hinted to the fact he had rolled his eyes under the mask. 

“Fine, fine, maybe later then. He’s in his room, by the way,” he pointed behind me “it’s at the end of the hall.” I nodded and began to walk away “See you later, princess.” he called and I shook away his pet names, increasing my pace to the door that would get me to Wilbur, to safety. I didn’t waste time, quickly pressing open the door with a sigh of relief as I relaxed at the familiar smell of campfires and smoke. 

Wilbur was sat on the ledge of the window, it swung open slightly. He held a cigarette between his lips, his head resting against the wall. Moonlight made his hair shine, the white streak seeming to glow. Long shadows were cast across his face, emphasizing how his eye bags had gotten increasingly worse since we were at my house.

“Wilbur?” I tentatively asked, pushing the door closed behind me. He slowly opened his eyes with a lazy smile, he seemed far away,

“y/n.” he said plainly taking the cigarette out of his mouth, blowing smoke out the window. I walked over to him and the closer I got the worse he looked. His hands were trembling; His lips were chapped and dry.

“Wilbur, are you okay?” he looked away from me, averting his gaze to the trees out the window. 

“No, I guess not.” he stretched up his arms, pausing to reorient himself after “Dream, said-” he stopped again,  pursing his lips and lifting his shaky hand to take another drag of his cigarette. 

“He said what?” I prodded him, sitting down on the other side of the window ledge. 

“The blood thing, y/n.” he crinkled his nose. “it’s why I’m so-“ he gestured to his head.

“Oh,” I studied his face. He slowly blinked seeming seconds away from passing out from exhaustion. “I-” he lowly whined, throwing the cigarette out the window. Wilbur weakly got to his feet, immediately tripping over nothing. I rushed up to catch him, him collapsing into me, his face pressed into my neck.

“Please,” he whined as I pulled him up.

“Hey, you’re okay, you’re okay.” I moved him over to the bed, pressing the back of my hand against his forehead as he sat. He pulled my hand down, nuzzling into my wrist. 

“y/n?” he seemed to be asking for permission, and I felt obliged to help seeing him so vulnerable. I nodded my head slowly. He roughly pulled me into his lap, me straddling his legs. Wilbur wrapped his arms around my waist, burying his face into my neck. I tilted my head to allow him better access as my nerves built up. Flashes of my dream plaguing my mind. The hundreds of bite marks bleeding me dry.

“Please don’t hurt me,” I cried. I saw him in my mind, eyes a bright red instead of the rich wine I had come accustomed to since he had returned. I felt myself digging my fingers into his hair with a shuttered breath as my heart rate quickened.

“I would never even think about it, darling.” he pulled away from me, his eyes full of affection “are you sure? I don’t want you to think I’m just using you.” 

“Mhm.” I took a deep breath. Studying his worn-out face. He leaned into me, pressing a chaste kiss against my lips. He tilted my head by placing a hand on the back of my neck. Suddenly it was a stinging pain, a burn that passed through my veins just ike it had in my dream. It bloomed into a numb warmth as Wilbur continued. His mouth hot against my skin. He gasped for air, licking the part of my neck he had bitten.

“So good for me, so good.” he trailed kisses up my jaw eventually kissing me on the lips. His mouth tasting of iron, blood, and cigarette smoke. “thank you, thank you.” he breathed out, cupping my face. I ran my eyes over his features, his face was now flushed pink, his eyes dark. He smiled at me, his teeth coated in red, his fangs more prominent. 

“Wilbur,” I felt the stress of the situation run back into me “we need to talk, now that you’re better.” he nodded his head absently. He seemed to deliberately be pulling in breaths of air, each one making him seem that much brighter. “Dream.”

“Dream.” he repeated, still staring at me with a hunger in his eyes “I know you don’t get it, I promise I do.” I huffed at him, knowing he was gonna dismiss Dream’s actions  “but I owe him everything.”

“No, you don’t. Especially not now, aren’t you guys even? You broke him out already, Wilbur.” reasoning with him on the matter felt impossible. 

“Yes, but look where we are right now. For all, we know if Dream wasn’t here I’d be in prison.” 

“That’s not true, if he wasn’t fucking here we’d be at home, and we’d be with our friends Wilbur,” I said incredulous about what he had stated. 

“If he wasn’t here, I’d still be dead, and they are your friends, not mine” he remarked.

“what do you mean?” I looked at him, hurt clear on his face.

“they fucking hate me, y/n.” he looked away “because of what I did, they hate me, and I’m fucking sick of walking on eggshells and apologizing.” 

“Wilbur,” I cupped his cheek, rubbing my thumb under his eye. He pulled my hand down, holding it in his own.

“We should talk about this tomorrow.” my hopes of change fell “It’s late, my dear. I promise I am not trying to push this away, but I think the morning will bring better clarity to the situation. We can’t argue in this state.”

“Fine.” I looked at him in the eyes “but I need you to listen to me, at least consider what I’m saying Wilbur”

“Anything for you.”                                                                                                                         

[ateezmakemeweep]

you’re the one that i want (part 18)

word count: 5k

angst (tw: abuse)

(part 17) (series masterlist)

tag list: @chogiout ; @psshwa ; @yeocult ; @seongghwaa ; @cherryeonii ; @chaoticbanqtan ; @8teenee ; @nczenniez ; @atinyarmyx1 ; @mingtopiaa ; @chubsluda ; @joongiebug ; @mochibabycakes ; @jisungity ; @skz-on-my-mind ; @nlost21 ; @myonlyaurora ; @closer-stars ; @kuaenam3g ; @byungaji ; @floweryjh ; @joeycheungg ; @lostscenarios ; @atinyxtopia ; @sanisms ; @kpopnightingale ; @simpforhyunjin ; @89staytinyzen21 ; @lokicaramel ; @hwaxbum ; @sakura-uji ; @songsoomin ; @toffee-hwa ; @deobitiful ; @hyunjeansuniverse ; @clown-teez ; @i-know-you-know-lee-know ; @tiny-whatsername ; @fairieofeternity ; @yixing-jaehyun ; @sleepyseonghwa ; @revehosh ; @atletino ; 

if you thought your hangover was gonna be the worst part of your saturday, you were sadly mistaken. because you hadn’t accounted for the emotional turmoil you’d be in over seonghwa, remembering how you could barely rip yourself away from him when you saw san run outside looking for you. 

the blonde had all but snatched you away from the boy and gave him a nasty look, his ex friend looking at him with a defeated look in his eye before leaving you two alone. 

“what happened?” he asked quietly, his small hands on your face wiping at your tears. you shake your head as the salty wetness leaks from your eyes, shaking your head before collapsing against him.

“can we please just leave? i can’t be here anymore.”

san takes your hands in his, looking over at the squeak of the door and stiffening when he sees wooyoung; their eyes meet and san can’t help but think back to the conversation he ran from, the black haired boy pulling him into a spare room so he could talk to him in private. 

but it was always in private and san was getting sick of it. he knew he didn’t want his friends knowing about how...in depth their relationship was and he was okay with that; if he wasn’t ready for them to know, that was fine, he understood. but to hide their friendship? something completely pure that everyone knew was a thing since they were kids?

he listened to the excuse that they would know, that they would see their lingering gazes or subtle touches and find out what changed in both of them that summer. but san pushed the boy away and cursed at him, being grabbed back roughly which led to a screaming match that ended very similarly to yours. 

“me either,” he says to you, pressing a kiss to your head before walking you guys down the block to wait for your uber. 

you slept at san’s house and you both now attempted to get down a stack of pancakes as you regretfully filled each other in on what the hell happened last night. 

“well, so much for not taking their shit,” san whined, a tiny snort leaving your mouth before your eyes widen in realization. 

“oh, my god, hyunjin! i feel so bad, i didn’t say goodbye to him.”

“he asked me for your number but i...didn’t know if you’d want that so i told him  i’d talk to you first.” 

you let out a sigh, feeling a tugging at your heart because you liked him. he was sweet and funny and it was just a bonus that he was so fucking handsome. but you weren’t good for him right now and he definitely deserved better. someone more attentive and not so hung up their stupid summer love. 

“thank you,” you tell san softly, smiling as you lean against him on the couch. “but i don’t think that’d be a good idea right now.” the blonde nods his head knowingly, stretching out on the couch before patting his lap. 

“let’s spend your first day hungover right,” he said, making you giggle as you settled your head on him. he laid the blanket out over you and played with your hair as you watched a movie marathon, his gentle touches lulling you to sleep before you woke a few hours later.

you felt a bit better but still had a lingering headache, the walk home from san’s house making the pounding in your temples resurface. 

and then, as if today couldn’t make you feel any worse, your parents car in the driveway made your heart sink and stomach twist anxiously; what were they doing home? they weren’t supposed to be back until tomorrow afternoon. 

and the second they see you stumble in with your clothes from last night in hand and san’s sweatpants and sweatshirt, it begins. their questioning and shaming and harsh words, asking you where the fuck you were last night and if you were whoring around while living under their roof.

“i was with san, my coworker.”

you mentioned him once or twice at dinner but are sure they don’t remember; your mom had been in unusually good spirits that night, talking your ear off and smiling at you. 

but today’s reaction is very different, a snide laugh as she asks if he’s your new boyfriend now; “moved on from your beach boy it seems,” she says snidely. 

your eyebrows pull together, swallowing the need to defend yourself because it won’t even matter and you’re tired. you’re just so tired of everyone and everything today, wanting nothing more than to lay in your bed and fall asleep again. 

you shrug your shoulders and bow your head, attempting to walk past them. but your dad has other ideas, grabbing your arm roughly and pushing you against the wall. your head bounces off the white paint and you wince at the pain, a quiet “ow,” causing him to scoff. 

“your mother was talking to you, don’t be disrespectful.” don’t be disrespectful, he says, after bashing your head into the wall. 

“i don’t know what she wants me to say.”

“how ‘bout telling us about what you did last night,” she hums lowly, standing next to your dad in a way that makes you feel completely ganged up on. 

because even though you always are, it’s really bad right now. the obvious irritation between them about to be taken out on you, something about the look in their eyes making you very unsettled.

“i told you i was with my friend,” you say quietly, completely submissive and exhausted at the idea of conflict.

but her eyebrow raises at the same time your dad rolls his eyes, watching you carefully as he looks down at your clothes in your hand. “why are you in his clothes? did you sleep there?”

you bite the inside of your cheek, looking down at the floor and hearing your mom throw her head back in laughter. “oh, y/n...” she says mockingly, your body flinching away when she reaches out to stroke your hair. “what has happened to you? sneaking out with boys when your parents are out.” 

and then suddenly, you fall to your knees as she tugs the strand harshly. you let out a cry and wonder why the fuck they’re doing this to you. why they always feel the need to hurt you and make you feel horrible. 

why did they have a child? did they just wanna feel powerful, see how much they could disrespect and neglect another human being?

“i- i didn’t do anything bad.”

and even though you were just yanked down to the floor, you dad grabs your arm roughly and pulls you up. your wrist nearly snaps as he yells in your face, asking if that’s the case, why do you seem hungover right now?

your skin turns even more pale and he shakes his head, his hold on your wrist tightening to the point where tears prick your eyes.

“you’re hurting me,” you whimper out. 

you feel like you say that a lot these days but no one ever seems to care. they just keep hurting you, his hand yanking you away from your mom before a prompt slap across your face. 

“we didn’t think you’d do this if we went away but here you go, proving us wrong and betraying our trust.” 

a tear rolls down your cheek and it only appears to infuriate him more. he goes to slap you again but you quickly move away, cracking your head into the corner of the wall and letting out a loud yelp.

your hand flies to your head where you know is gonna bruise, but your dad rips it away again. his hand gets tighter and tighter around your wrist to the point where you think he’s about to fracture it, whimpering out for him to please please stop. 

“we won’t warn you again, y/n,” he growls lowly, something painfully shifting in your wrist and making you cry out again. “don’t give us fucking trouble and we won’t have to do this.” 

you meet his gaze and see nothing but anger and rage and disgust looking back at you, getting shoved away from him and falling onto your butt in the dark hallway. your parents loom over you in a way that makes you think they’re gonna continue their assault on you, kick or slap you some more and really make you regret doing this. 

but they only look at you before walking into the kitchen unbothered, panic stirring in your chest before you scurry backward into your room. you close and lock your door before resting your head against it, silencing your cries into your knees.

you drown out the sound of your parents screaming and yelling at each other, jumping when harsh banging and insults are shouted through your door. calling you all sorts of names and cursing at you like you can even hear them through your pounding ears.

you feel a bump forming on your head, making the throbbing ache in your temples ten times worse. you try to move your wrist but wince at the sharp pain that rushes through it, trying to breathe through your ragged cries and sobs.

you can’t do this anymore. 

you can’t keep walking on eggshells and dealing with these outbursts that leave you battered and bruised and hurting. can’t keep making excuses for them that you were in the wrong and deserved some sort of punishment. that because this happened, they might not hit or yell at you for the next few days.

your phone buzzing in your pocket causes you to jump, your heart soaring at the idea of seonghwa’s name popping up right now; he saved you last time from them so maybe he’ll do it again. 

but it’s san asking if you got home okay attached with a selfie of him on his couch with a pout. you can only send him a heart back before moving to seonghwa’s name, your shaky fingers typing out a message to him. 

but then as you stare at the three pathetic words, you can’t find it in yourself to send it. instead, you throw your phone across the room and bury your face in your arms. because if you told him clear as day in words that you needed him and he ignored it, you don’t think you’d ever recover.

it’d make your desperate attempts to calm your breathing even more difficult.

but it feels as if you can’t breathe even into the next day, not once leaving your room to eat or get a drink of water; you only pee once and that’s when you take a drink from the faucet, splashing cold water on your face and wincing at the bruise on your head and deep, red markings on your swollen wrist. 

and even though you spend most of that sunday sleeping, you can’t find it in yourself to go to school on monday. 

you woke up and couldn’t imagine dealing with anything, schoolwork or teachers or avoiding seonghwa. you text san that you won’t be in school but will be there for your shift at 3:30, knowing you’ll have to be out of the house to not tip off your parents. 

because you think if they catch you in another lie, they’ll make your throbbing head and wrist feels ten times worse. 

“jesus christ, y/n, were you running like 20 miles an hour when you hit into the cabinet?” 

you knew it was cliche but you had to think of something. 

because the egg on your head looked as bad as it felt and you knew san was gonna question it. so a breathy little laugh left your mouth as you shrugged, redness creeping on your face as you easily lie to san about being clumsy. 

“there’s clumsy and then there’s reckless, y/n, let me get you a-”

“san,” you hear a familiar voice growl. and it’s at that moment your head snaps up and you see seonghwa’s face fall, looking over you before his eyes widen when he sees your head.

“where were you?” he demands as he walks toward you, not even noticing san’s hands on you as panic sets in on his body. what happened to your head? that bump hadn’t been there when he saw you two days ago. 

he knew something was wrong when he didn’t see you in homeroom. he felt it in the pit of his stomach and his mind hadn’t stopped racing since then, becoming even more frantic when he saw san sitting alone at lunch. 

he couldn’t explain why but the memory of seeing you with your parents swarmed his mind, the look of fear in your eyes and the way your dad was so quick to jump up and tower over you in your aunt’s backyard.

"i know she's your sister so i'm not implying anything," he said bluntly over the table, the cup of chamomile tea she always offers him but he rarely drinks next to him. "but she's so scared to go back to them and i...do they hit her?"

"they're assholes, seonghwa, i'll be the first to tell you...but i don't think they would physically harm her." 

he held on to your aunt’s words all day but right now, they’re no longer comforting him. not with that way you’re practically shaking under his gaze and how that bump appears to just grow bigger and bigger. 

“i...i wasn’t feeling good this morning.”

his eyebrows pull together and he moves closer, reaching out to take your face in his hand. you hold your breath as he turns your head to the side, assesing your face carefully as tears prick your eyes because this is too much. he can’t find out, he can’t see you break down and finally admit what’s been haunting you since the day you were born. 

“does this have something to do with it?” 

your eyes apprehensively meet his and you swallow nervously at the look in them, blazing with hot determination and it’s then you realize there’s no getting out of this. that he feels something is wrong, the same way he was always so in tune with how you felt and read you so well. 

you’re saved by the ding of an oven in the back room, the cookies san put in twenty minutes ago needing to be taken out to cool. it’s the perfect excuse to rip your face away from seonghwa and shake your head, mumbling to san that you’ll get them before leaving the boys. 

seonghwa waits until the door closes to look at his old friend, the blonde looking at him with an unreadable expression. 

“what did she say happened?” 

san purses his lips to the side, biting the inside of his cheek before reluctantly speaking; he can tell the boy is frantic and plagued with worry. he’d been like that at lunch too, he noticed, bouncing his leg or rocking anxiously in a way he knows he does when he’s unsettled. 

“she walked into a cabinet.”

seonghwa rolls his eyes as he lets out a groan, his hand falling into a fist so he doesn’t punch the counter and make san angry; but holy fuck, is he serious? is he really buying that?

“do you actually fucking believe that?” he snaps, san’s face immediately pulling into confusion; why wouldn’t he?

“why the hell wouldn’t i?” he questions, looking at seonghwa who’s gotten considerably more anger and agitated. 

but it’s then the boy realizes you probably didn’t tell him about your parents.

about how they treat you and how many problems you have with them. he hasn’t seen the way they look at you or act around you, doesn’t have this overwhelming inclination that they did that to you, something that’s about to make him lose his shit if it’s true.

“seonghwa? why wouldn’t i? why would she...why would she lie?”

seonghwa bites the inside of his cheek before the door swings open, your eyes meeting his before you place the plate of cookies down. you can feel the tension in the air, san’s eyes on seonghwa while his are on you. 

“can i talk to you outside for a second?” seonghwa asks you quietly, your eyes widening as a lump forms in your throat. you get unnerved when instead of butting in, san only looks between you and him with curious eyes. 

you look at seonghwa and shake your head, feeling tears burn the back of your eyes. “i don’t think that’s a good idea, i have to do this-”

“i’ll do it,” san says, something about seonghwa’s words and intensity making him, surprisingly, side with the boy who’s hurt you so much. because he can see clear as day the concern and desperation in his gaze. you snap your head to look at the blonde and his gaze softens, attempting to give you courage through his eyes. 

you let out a sigh of defeat before walking out from behind the counter, you and seonghwa’s arms bumping as he opens the door for you. you lean your shoulder against the glass window with your head casted down, your eyes focusing on the scuffs in seonghwa’s shoes. 

he allows the silence for a few seconds before softly calling your name, a shaky exhale leaving your mouth before you look at him.

“what happened?” 

you press your lips together so you don’t cry out, begging the tears not to fall as you shake your head. “nothing, i walked into a cabinet.” 

seonghwa’s jaw tightens as he looks away from you, air blowing from his nose as he lets out a scoff. 

“what did i say about lying to me?”

you can’t even find it in you to say something snarky or roll your eyes, looking up at him with glossy eyes. “i’m not lying,” you say quietly, your lower lip wobbling and eyes becoming wet. 

his eyes soften as his eyes roam your face, taking a step closer as he takes your face in his hands. “then why are you about to cry?”

“i’m not,” you snap, moving your face out of his hold before you step back. “always seems to happen when you’re around though.” his eyes narrow at the way you turn defensive, knowing while there’s truth to your words, that’s not what this is about. 

there’s something more tugging behind your eyes, backing away from him and dropping your gaze because he knows the power you both hold over each other is too much.

“i won’t deny that, baby, and i’m sorry but that’s not it,” he says, reaching out to tug you closer to him. a breathy sigh leaves your mouth as you feel your resolve breaking, his eyes on you too much because you just want to melt into his soft touch. 

but if you do that, you’ll break completely today. and it’s already all too much for you. 

“please tell me what happened,” he says quietly against your head. “remember what i said? whenever you needed me, i’d be there?” 

you can’t help but laugh as you pull yourself away from him because that’s not fucking fair in the slightest.

“did you just remember that? where was that memory months ago, seonghwa?” 

he licks at his lips anxiously, knowing that you have a point. but this is completely different. this is a matter of you being harmed and that’s something he cannot stand. 

“this is different and we both know that, y/n,” he says quietly, his hand raising to touch the bump on your head again; but you move away before he can make contact with you.

“can you only be the one that hurts me?” you suddenly snap, not even realizing the words as his hypocrisy irks your broken spirit. but that sounds like an admission of some kind to him, his dark eyes flaring as he walks closer to you.

“so someone did hurt you,” his deep voice, your teary eyes rolling as you move away from him. 

“of course that’s what you got out of that,” you laugh out humorlessly, shaking your head before your eyebrows pull together. “yes, seonghwa. someone did hurt me. a cabinet.” 

he lets out a huff as he tries to reign in his anger, his jaw clenching at the way you snap at him. 

“baby, i know you’re mad and i get that. but you need to fucking stop-”

“you need to fucking stop,” you yelp, your voice breaking as the tears behind your eyes surface and voice wobbles. “you...can’t keep doing this. why can’t you just leave me alone? i...we said we were done and it was going well so why all the sudden are you-”

“who. hurt you,” he asks, stepping forward and taking your face in his hands. his thumbs rub over your wet skin before he reaches up to the bump on your head, wincing as a quiet whimper leaves your mouth. 

“tell me. talk to me, baby.”

your lower lip wobbles at the softly spoken tone of his voice, setting off every memory in your brain from when he’d sound like that in your bed. with the sun streaming through your open balcony doors as his breath tickled your neck. or quietly spoken into your salty skin on the moonlit beach.

when it seemed as if you two would never have to face anything that bad and could just kiss and laugh in the sun or behind closed doors.

“please stop,” you whisper quietly, shaking your head as you’re smacked back and forth with anger and sadness and defeat. “it doesn’t matter.”

“how can you say that?” he growls lowly in your ear, anger ripping through him. 

how could you really think it doesn’t matter when he’s here ready to kill the person who did that (even though he already has a good idea of who it was). he holds your wavering gaze before letting out a sigh, his thumb caressing your face softly in a way that makes your chest feel heavier. 

“tell me, y/n. don’t lie to me. you know it never fucking worked.”

except it did, you think. it did work and you need it to keep working. but you feel yourself breaking down because of him too and you’re not sure how much longer you can put it off.

your tongue peeks out to lick over your lips anxiously, shaking your head at him.

“i can’t,” you say quietly, voice barely above a whisper. 

he tightens his hold on your face, desperate and pleading as he breaths out your name. you can’t tear your gaze away from him no matter how much you want too, feeling your eyes grow more and more wet.

“seonghwa, it’s not-”

“hey, you creep! why do you keep following her?” 

both your heads snap back, your eyebrows pulling together when you see two girls standing outside the cafe. and it’s not until she stalks forward and her friend grabs her hand that you recognize the both of them from the party.

“jojo, you can’t just-”

“she was cornered by him and crying last time,” the girl says, looking over you with concern in her eyes. “we just wanted croissants and now we have to-”

“i’m not cornering her, i’m trying to talk to her,” seonghwa snaps, this abrasive girl’s timing absolutely fucking terrible. “so why don’t you mind your business?”

“why don’t i mind my business when i see an asshole like you constantly in this girl’s face?” she snaps back, her friend’s desperate pleas telling her to stop. you even try to tell her it’s okay before seonghwa growls again, his hands dropping from your face as he asks who she is to say that shit. 

“seonghwa, it’s fine, she’s just trying to-”

“what’s going on?”

the four of you look at san whose blonde head is poking outside the door, the tension in the air thick. he’d been watching you both closely through the window before he noticed you two snap your heads away from one another, a dark and irritated look crossing seonghwa’s face he knew was not a good sign.

“this asshole is harassing her again!” 

“this asshole knows her, unlike you,” seonghwa argues back, “so seems like you’re the fucking creep.” 

your hand grabs his arm to pull him closer to you, his head snapping back and face immediately softening when he sees the tears in your eyes, knowing the last thing you want right now is more conflict .

“oh really? because it seems like-”

“it’s fine, she’s okay,” san softly assures the girl. “he was just leaving anyway. y/n has to get back to work.” seonghwa looks at the blonde who immediately shakes his head, a stern look in his eye that actually causes him to sigh. 

seonghwa looks down at you again, frowning at the sad look on your face. he wipes at your face with his thumb before lifting your chin. “we’ll talk more tomorrow, okay?” and because you know you probably don’t have a choice, you let out a sigh and nod your head. 

it takes him a few seconds to pull himself away from you, the bump on your head and sadness in your eyes making his stomach knot. he gives the mouthy girl a dirty look before thanking san quietly, the two girls not saying a word until seonghwa’s a few feet away. 

“jojo! you have to stop doing this,” the smaller girl says, smacking her friend in the arm before turning her gaze to you. “i am so so sorry. she knows no boundaries and she’s only trying to help but-”

“it’s okay,” you laugh out humorlessly, shaking your head as you wipe at your face in embarrassment. “he really was just talking to me. but i...i do tend to cry in his presence.”

“well thats sucky of him,” jojo says. a small smile coveing your face as you nod, moving your gaze to the san. “i’m sorry,” you say softly. but the blonde only shakes his head and opens the door wider, ushering you three in with dimply smile on display. 

“did you guys say you wanted croissants?” you ask the girls, both of them nodding guiltily. you smile softly as you prepare them and san rings them up, the three of them talking quietly. 

“so they just told me they saw you and seonghwa at the party too?” 

“yeah,” you say, plopping down the two plates with a sigh. “when he had me pinned against the wall insisting he loves me.”

“now that,” jojo says, croissant raised to her mouth with her eyebrows raised, “sounds interesting.”

“oh jesus christ, jo, please learn to respect boundaries,” the other girl says, smiling dismissively as she’s about pull them away. but then something in you causes you to speak again, maybe because you’ve never had girls to ask their opinions on and they seem like the best option you could get. 

“i know you barely know me and this might be weird,” you find yourself saying,  “but it’d be nice to get another perspective from someone who isn’t....him,” you say, turning around to see san stealing his 4th cookie from the jar. 

“please!” jojo squeals, pulling up two chairs to the counter as her friend politely nods; she’s more shy and reserved but open nonetheless, introducing herself as bo-ra and insisting you don’t have to delve into your personal information despite the way her friend has inserted herself into it twice now. 

you giggle softly, your sad spirit oddly lifting in the presence of these two strangers. but there’s something comforting about them, interested in the perspective of two girls who you also know will have two very different thoughts. 

“so let’s hear it!” jojo says excitedly, plopping down in her seat not at all prepared for the story she was about to get. 

a story of summer love and a budding relationship, where you two truly opened up and let each other in. where it seemed as if maybe two months was enough time to fall in love, if the look in your eye or smile on your face as you retold it wasn’t a good enough indication.

san watched with a frown as you recounted the memories, your voice twinged with amusement as you told them about surfing before your eyes turned teary, explaining how the days counting down till the time you had to leave were miserable. how sad and heartbroken and upset you were that you’d no longer be together.

“so you could only imagine my surprise when i saw him in my homeroom,” you tell them, jojo and bo-ra clutching onto one another, two more croissants gone. 

“shut up!” jojo squeals, “that’s crazy!”

“there are so many other places you could’ve moved!”

“i know,” you say with a small smile before it quickly falls off your face. “but you would’ve thought he never saw me in his life. he just...completely avoided me.” and getting through the past few months with him was a whole lot harder and sadder to hear, hurt laced in your tone that makes san rub your back gently.

“and i get it, i do, i came out of nowhere and probably shocked him. but...for him to act like that? why...it makes me feel like he lied the whole summer.”

“exactly!” jojo says. “and like what’s the big deal? he has to keep up some stupid fake image? that’s literally sick of him. what the fuck?”

“there could be more to it, jo, only they really-”

“SICK!” 

you smile sadly as you shrug your shoulders, looking at bo-ra who’s biting down on her lip. “be honest,” you tell her quietly, seeing the hesitation on her face. “i blurted all of this out after knowing you for five minutes because i wanted girl’s opinions.”

“well we’re friends now, that’s for sure,” she giggles. “but i don’t know. it’s definitely not right what’s he’s doing obviously and he doesn’t deserve for you to forgive him so easily. but i will say that he probably prepared himself for leaving you more than you know. he probably came home and had already checked out of his emotions and seeing you again caught you him off guard.”

you bite the inside of your cheek as you nod your head. 

“even so, though, he shouldn’t treat her like this. he knows she’s upset and he’s so easily avoiding her,” jojo says. but san only lets out a snort and shakes his head. 

“definitely not easily. if he’s not watching her, he’s begging her to talk and listen to him. it’s obvious to everyone he likes her but when it comes time to admit it, he’s a-”

“stupid teenage boy. and admitting it is what matters so he’s really dropping the ball,” jojo says. and all three of you can agree with that, nodding your head with a sigh. 

“yeah. i don’t know,” you sigh out. “because i really do...care about him. and i know he cares about me too. he was just so... good, you know, and i miss him even though i see him everyday.”

it’s a sentiment that you’ve thought about all too much these past few weeks, how you see the same face and hear the same voice and have your body react to him the same way but still miss him. miss his smile and soft touch and sweet words that without fail made you feel better. 

“maybe tomorrow, without interruption, you can get it all out in the open. for good,” bo-ra suggests. “no more back and forth. really get everything out and tell him you guys have to come to a decision. either forget about everything for good, for real this time, or be with each other again.”

(part 19)

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - chapter 5

AO3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

CW: mentions of PTSD, mentions of alcoholism and past abuse, mentions of past toxic relationship

Taglist @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon

The thick fog that hovered above the ground made the forest seem like the scenery out of a gothic movie. Not that Alastair minded, he felt at home among the trees, in the darkness. He and Thomas had met after breakfast before Lucie or Cordelia had woken. Alastair had always been an early riser and he was glad to see Thomas was too. More than that, though, Alastair was a poor sleeper. He had frequent nightmares and so far he’d found nothing that helped. Not even his stuffed hedgehog, which he was ashamed to admit he still slept with.

‘Look. Over there,’ Thomas pointed, his finger aimed at the ground.

Alastair followed his gaze and saw a small hedgehog, walking along the shrubs. Hedgehogs were nocturnal creatures, he knew, it wasn’t common to see them during the day, even in early morning. It was adorable.

‘Aw. I love hedgehogs, they are my favorite animals,’ Alastair said with a small smile that was rare these days.

‘They suit you,’ Thomas agreed.

‘How exactly?’ Alastair asked.

‘Well, you’re prickly and need to be handled with care or you’ll sting, but when you can look past that you’re actually adorable.’

Thomas’ cheeks flushed a dark red. ‘What I mean is,’ he began, but Alastair interrupted him with a grin.

‘Adorable, huh?’ he said.

‘I guess so,’ Thomas said. ‘Cordelia told me you still sleep with your stuffed animals. She said your favorite is a hedgehog.’

‘Little traitor,’ Alastair said.

‘I sleep with mine too,’ Thomas admitted. ‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I have several owls. I just sleep more comfortable that way. I need something to hold on to.’

He was surprised Thomas didn’t judge him. He felt his father would have, had he known, but he’d been too drunk to notice.

Alastair’s smile returned. ‘Now that is adorable. To tell you the truth, I keep mine around to protect me from nightmares.’

Thomas frowned. ‘Does that work?’

‘Not really. But at least holding onto something helps me relax enough to fall asleep.’

He could lie awake at night sometimes. Lately, Alastair was always tired. He did what was expected of him during the day, but he never felt rested or energetic. Even after a long night sleep with minimal nightmares, he woke tired and staying in bed didn’t help.

They talked about all sorts of topics, history, books they read, what Alastair’s first year at university had been like. Thomas told him about previous summers, which they’d usually spent in Spain. He’d spent enough time there to be fluent in Spanish now, partially because his parents had studied there and his father liked to speak Spanish at home. Alastair was surprised how easy conversing with Thomas was. He’d always struggled with making small talk, with keeping the conversation going, but Thomas didn’t shy away from more serious topics and seemed genuinely interested in what Alastair had to say.

He and Thomas continued their walk, and Alastair could tell something was bothering Thomas. He was tense, his shoulders a bit hunched. Alastair had learnt to sense when people were anxious or tense and tended to get nervous himself whenever that happened. He wondered if he’d always been hypersensitive to other people’s moods, or if he’d learnt after having to anticipate his father’s moods and then Charles’ for such a long time. He narrated a description of his surroundings to himself in an attempt to ground him in reality, to calm down enough that he could help and support Thomas. He felt useless, what was the point in being able to read people if their anxiety bothered him so much?

‘Are you alright?’ Alastair asked after a silence.

‘Why do you ask?’ Thomas asked, his voice uneven.

‘Because you seem anxious about something. Is it about me? Are you still mad about what happened at school?’

Alastair had always been more tolerant around Thomas himself, but he’d treated Thomas’ friends awfully. All he felt right now was a horrible guilt and regret for what he’d done. For how he’d justified his actions, telling himself that it was better than being bullied, that what he did wasn’t as bad as what other students had done to him. All empty excuses, and it had never been alright.

‘It’s not about you,’ Thomas said. ‘And I’m not mad. I can’t say I understand why you did it, but I know you were going through some difficult times. Besides, it happened so long ago. James and Matthew are still upset, I think. But they’re not here. I don’t think Matthew would like it much here anyway. He prefers to spend his holidays shopping and drinking at bars until late night.’

Alastair tensed a bit when Thomas’ mentioned Matthew’s drinking the way he always did when alcohol was mentioned. Once he’d been able to take care of his drunk father with little emotion, pushing everything to the bottom until he was sure his father was alright and Cordelia wouldn’t discover he wasn’t ill. Nowadays even mentions of alcohol or drinking tended to make him feel sick, as if an invisible hand was clutching at his stomach, at his heart. Just breathe, he told himself.

‘Oh shit, I’m sorry,’ Thomas said. ‘I’m not supposed to mention alcohol around you, am I?’

Alastair sighed. ‘I take it everyone knows, then?’

Alastair still found it difficult when people knew about his disorder. It was difficult to ask for adjustments, to admit a weakness and ask people to not drink in his presence, to ask people to change their own behavior for his sake. He knew most people wouldn’t be willing to do that, and he’d much rather not ask and pretend everything was fine. But eventually he’d had to admit to himself he just couldn’t handle being around people drinking and alcohol was so normalized in Britain it was difficult to avoid sometimes.

‘Not the particulars,’ Thomas admitted. ‘But Mr. Herondale warned us that we shouldn’t drink, nor discuss alcohol when you’re there.’

‘It’s fine,’ Alastair said. ‘As long as I don’t see you drink, or smell it on you, it’s fine.’

People talking about alcohol could be difficult, but he could manage. He would. Matthew Fairchild was across the sea, and him drinking alcohol didn’t harm Alastair. It wasn’t his problem.

‘You don’t seem fine.’

‘It’s not easy, but it’s alright. I can handle mentions of drinking,’ Alastair said.

He hated how some people who knew about his diagnosis had started to walk on eggshells around him, like he was a bomb that would explode the moment someone said something wrong. It made him feel like he was fragile, broken, like there was something horribly wrong with him, when Alastair desperately tried to convince himself that wasn’t true. Deep down, he knew it was true though. He knew there was something wrong with him and that he wasn’t normal and would never be.

‘You don’t have to,’ Thomas said. ‘Look, I don’t think you want to talk about it and you don’t have to. But if you want to talk… I’m here for you, alright? I can promise I am a good listener.’

Alastair nodded. ‘You still haven’t told me what’s bothering you,’ he said in an attempt to deflect.

Alastair took a sip out of the flask of water he’d taken to carrying with him. Ever since starting paroxetine, he often had a dry mouth. He’d also gained some weight. Risa in particular was very happy with that development. Before starting his medication he’d been underweight, often unable to eat because of his nerves. Aunt Risa had worried about his weight loss, and had been very happy when he had started eating again and gotten back at a normal weight.

Apart from that no side effects, and Alastair was mostly glad his medication didn’t cause any sexual dysfunction because he’d heard that happened sometimes. Even if he didn’t have a boyfriend now, he guessed he wanted one someday. He tried to ignore the voice in his head, reminding him that no one would want to be his boyfriend, that he wasn’t worth the effort. Charles had often told him he was difficult to love, that other people wouldn’t bother, and Alastair had believed him. Part of him still did.

The effect taking antidepressants had was only partial, paroxetine on its own wasn’t enough to treat PTSD, but when it came to this specific disorder it was the most effective out of all antidepressants. Alastair had agreed to give it a try. Two months in, it was definitely better than nothing and he had more good days, but he hoped the EMDR treatment he would be starting after the summer was more effective.

‘It’s something that happened yesterday,’ Thomas admitted. ‘I’m not sure I should tell you.’

‘You can trust me to keep your secret,’ Alastair promised. ‘But you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.’

‘You know your cousin Jem used to fight the evil creatures of the supernatural, right?’ Thomas asked. ‘And your father too, before…’

Before he’d started drinking. People who knew about his father’s past as a hero sometimes said it was the price he’d had to pay, for seeing so many horrors and fighting for so long. Alastair hated it, it made him want to scream. What about the price I had to pay?

It was what had set him off when Jem had come over for dinner, not aware that anything was wrong with him. His cousin had talked about the struggles of life as a hero, the effects it could have on someone. Later, Alastair had learned his mother had become so desperate she’d confessed Elias’ addiction to Jem and had asked him if he could convince him to seek treatment.

Jem had agreed, and had used Elias’ past heroism as a gentle way to bring up the problem, but Alastair had felt as if Jem was trying to justify his father’s addiction and by extension what he’d put his family through. He’d screamed at Jem, at his father, at everyone present really. What about the people surrounding such a person? What about the people who were hurt when a hero’s burden became too much, did they not matter? Horrified at his own outburst, Alastair had ran to his room and attempted to calm himself by putting on Metallica and turning up the volume until he could block everything else out. When Jem had come upstairs, Alastair had expected him to be angry. Instead, Jem had been worried. It was the first time someone had realized his moodiness wasn’t just a “turbulent adolescence”, as his parents had long thought.

‘Yes,’ Alastair said. ‘When I was younger, my father would tell me stories about the creatures he’d fought and defeated.’

Once he’d loved listening to his father’s stories. Once he had sat down in his father’s lap and asked him to tell him about the incubus in Greece, or the kelpie in Scotland. Now he only wondered if his father had been drinking already back then. He wasn’t sure when it had gotten out of hand.

‘Well, I can see them. What I mean is, I have gift that makes it so I can see anything without having to learn at all. My mother and my oldest sister Barbara have the same gift.’

Alastair nodded. ‘So does my aunt Risa,’ he said. ‘She taught me and Cordelia how to see.’

There had been times in his life where he’d felt like Risa was the only person who cared about him. He hadn’t dared tell her about his father’s alcoholism, desperate to keep his family together and in one piece, but she’d been there when he needed her. No one else had done that for him. She used to take him to see the gnomes play in parks, since she didn’t have a garden of her own. She used to cook and bake in her kitchen with him. Risa was a cook in a local Iranian restaurant and had taught him everything she knew about making good food.

‘Yesterday, I walked into the woods and I encountered the washing woman. They say seeing her is an omen of death, although in my case it could just be that she didn’t intend for me to see her, but with my gift I see her anyway.’

‘I’ve heard of such creatures,’ Alastair said. ‘You must not approach or they might attack and paralyze your legs. But if you can sneak up on them, they are said to grant a wish.’

Alastair thought not so long ago he would have given it a try if he’d seen such a woman. He might have asked her to fix his family, or at least fix his father’s alcoholism. Nowadays, he wasn’t sure what he’d ask for. Fixing his father’s alcoholism wouldn’t cure his PTSD, it wouldn’t allow him to love or trust his father again, wouldn’t erase the past years. Perhaps he would ask for a cure for his PTSD, but he didn’t think such a thing existed, he wasn’t sure what exactly the result of such a wish would be. Nor did he know who his father would be without his addiction. He did not think his father would love him sober either. The best he could hope for was that EMDR treatment would help him.

‘Well, I ran,’ Thomas said. ‘But not before it called out to me. Warning me about some unpaid debt from my grandfather who made all sorts of deals with dangerous creatures.’

Alastair had heard plenty of stories like that from his father. There were all kinds of creatures that generally left humanity alone, but could trick people into making deals with them. It usually ended badly, and sometimes required intervention.

Alastair tried to think, was Thomas in danger? He’d always known about the supernatural, of course, but preferred to stay away from it. Cordelia was the one who had been given their father’s magical sword, and although Alastair hated the idea of her living the kind of life Father used to live, it suited her more than it suited Alastair.

‘From what I learnt, deals with supernatural entities often go wrong,’ Alastair said. ‘Is your grandfather still alive?’

Thomas shook his head. ‘I never knew him. Apparently he turned into a giant worm and uncle Will, uncle Jem and uncle Gabriel had to kill him. My parents are trying to look into it a bit more, but it’s difficult since my aunt has all his journals, his possessions, and isn’t willing to share. According to my father, his mother died as a result of his dealings, and my cousin Jesse might have too.’

Alastair wasn’t sure what to think. He had heard some vague stories of the Lightwoods and Herondales who used to fight dangerous creatures, but had no idea a relative had made such deals. Of course, he didn’t think his father had been involved in this. His cousin Jem had carried cortana for one of two years before retiring and giving it back to Elias.

‘I think something might be after me,’ Thomas added. ‘I was often sick as a child, and so was Jesse. No one could figure out what was wrong with me.’

Alastair frowned. ‘I don’t remember you being sick often when we went to the same school. You were always there, trailing behind me, I would have noticed if you were absent often.’

‘I grew over my sickness when I was almost fourteen, we met soon after that,’ Thomas said. ‘I always kind of took it for granted, since no one could tell me what was wrong with me I figured it was normal I’d grow over it eventually. But I got better around the same time Jesse died, and then my aunt Tatiana, Jesse’s mother, came by our house and yelled at my parents that it should have been me.’

Alastair frowned. ‘And you think that means that your cousin dying had to do with your grandfather’s debt?’

‘My aunt believed it, at least.’

‘But what does that have to do with you getting better?’ Alastair asked, not sure if he could make sense of that theory.

‘Well, both Jesse and I were sick. I didn’t know him well, Tatiana kept him away from us, but he did know Lucie and she told me his symptoms were almost exactly the same as mine.’

‘And it’s not a genetic disorder?’ Alastair asked.

‘No one else in the family was sick, just me and Jesse,’ Thomas continued. ‘I got tested for pretty much everything they could think of, all negative. They couldn’t find out what was wrong with Jesse either. My grandmother already died as payment for what my grandfather did. So it’s not that farfetched that Benedict owed them a grandchild or something and they had to choose between me and Jesse. Except Jesse’s death wasn’t enough, and now some creature came to warn me I’m next.’ Thomas looked resigned. ‘I think I’m going to die.’

Alastair took Thomas’ hand, hoping that would not be too forward. ‘You’re not going to die,’ he said. ‘I have never heard of debts being passed on to next generations, or going on for so long. From what I’ve been told, it usually ends when the person who made the deal dies.’

‘Not in this case,’ Thomas said. ‘Jesse got lost in the woods where he lived and died. People searched, but no one could find him until he was already dead.’

Alastair could tell Thomas was getting more and more anxious and Alastair wasn’t sure how to help him. He couldn’t say for sure that was Thomas was saying was wrong, even if he still tried to think of more mundane explanations for what was happening.

‘But getting lost in the woods is not supernatural, is it? If we strayed off the path here, it could be a while until we found our way out.’

‘Yes, but the woods where he got lost weren’t big like here. Realistically, they should have found him much sooner. That’s weird, unless there was magic involved. It wasn’t particularly cold either, it happened during spring.’

Alastair had to admit that was odd. Not all forests were big enough to get lost in and die. Even here, he suspected if they didn’t make it back, people would raise alarm soon enough and find them long before they could die of natural causes. Of course, their chances of surviving a couple of days might be better than those of a twelve year old boy.

‘Could the entity that claimed Jesse’s life have picked him over you because you have the sight?’ Alastair speculated. ‘That’s something you inherited from your mother, isn’t it? Jesse didn’t have that.’

‘It is,’ Thomas confirmed. ‘No one in my father’s family has it. It feels kind of awful, doesn’t it? That I lived and got better because Jesse died?’

‘That’s just speculation,’ Alastair said sharply. ‘Don’t beat yourself up over things we can’t prove. But there is something we could do to gather more information.’

‘Beyond convincing my aunt to give us those journals?’ Thomas asked.

‘So, I haven’t done this with someone else in a very long time. Perhaps it’s best I show you.’

Alastair chose a neutral memory. He had considered a happy one, but he didn’t think he’d be comfortable sharing any of that with Thomas, not yet. Besides, he didn’t have many happy memories. It had to be nice, with his ability, to have infinite happy memories he could revisit at any time. Instead, Alastair mainly got caught in the bad ones. He picked a memory from a lecture on the history of socialism. Alastair remembered being horrified at some of the comments other students had made, only later had he realized Charles probably agreed with them. But that wasn’t the point right now. Instead, he showed Thomas a bit of the start of the lecture. The professor was animated, talking about the subject like it was the most interesting thing ever.

‘Was this at university?’ Thomas asked when they were back in the woods. ‘What did you just do?’

‘I showed you a memory of mine. Not a particularly interesting one, but it gets the point across. I can revisit any of my memories.’

‘That must make it easy to study for exams,’ Thomas said, but it wasn’t accusatory. Alastair sometimes felt like using his ability was cheating, but what was the point of having a magic memory if you didn’t even use it?

‘I do need to remember where the information I need is. So if I don’t remember the answer to an exam question, but do remember which lecture it was discussed, or which book, I can go back there. Fortunately, I am also good at studying and usually know where to look.’

Alastair had a whole library inside his head. At home, he kept a list of every book he ever read to organize it.

‘But how will that help?’ Thomas asked. ‘Is there anything you remember?’

Alastair’s dark eyes gleamed. ‘No, not related to what’s happening to you. But you have your memories. Perhaps your parents remember things, details they didn’t think were important at the time. I can help you rewatch your own memories, help you recall things you might have forgotten. It is something that I do not usually do, as it feels rather invasive. But if it helps save your life, I’m willing to give it a try.’

Thomas nodded. ‘Yes, of course. You can look in my memories all you like if that’ll save me.’

[illfoandillfie]

Don’t Talk To Me About Love

Day number 4 of the Platonically themed event! This is another idea thats sort of been bouncing around my head since I posted Platonically. In the months since then I’ve started and stopped this blurb about 60 times - at one point I intended it as a sequel but then ended up absorbing part of the plot into PNDDAOF. But here we are. It is somewhat complete and I’m much happier with it now then I was before. 

Yet again, this blurb is inspired by a song - Don’t Talk To Me About Love by Altered Images (less the lyrics and more just the title but it’s a bop so like check it out anyway lmao) 

Words: 2,150

Warnings: It’s about the Communication. There’s talk of an argument but nothing specific and honestly this is mostly just about the two of them Dealing with something out of the ordinary. 

Every morning with Ben follows the same pattern. No matter who wakes first, no matter how long it takes you to get out of bed, Ben will greet you with a kiss on the cheek. It’s a litmus test of your disposition and a lesson hard learnt. Most days you’ll lean into him, wrap your arms around him, press your lips to his, snuggle back into his embrace, and he knows that it means you’ll be okay with the actions that convince others you’re boyfriend and girlfriend. But every so often it’s different. Those days, what he has come to call your no romo days, his cheek kiss will be returned but you’ll pull back before he can sweep you into something deeper, a sign that you don’t have the patience or energy or whatever it usually takes, to deal with romance. Those days are few and far between, mostly occurring months apart, seemingly at random. But because of that it took quite some time before you got the hang of dealing with them as partners. On your own it had been easier to avoid romantic expressions, but with Ben it was harder to manage.  

The first time it happened after you’d started the QPR, you tried to push through, tried to ignore the tension you felt as he unexpectedly kissed you, his hands pulling you into him. There was a sudden urge to run away, your blood running cold, and Ben must have sensed that something was off. He was always observant where you were concerned. When he asked if something was wrong you pretended there wasn’t but he kept badgering you until you told him what was up. Unfortunately you sort of bit his head off, frustrated by the constant questions. You immediately regretted your tone and choice of words but the damage was done, Ben’s expression one of hurt and confusion. Before you could try to explain better he’d left the room. He gave you space for the rest of the day, barely crossing your path at all, but it was too much space, an overcorrection. And that made you mad more than anything else. After all you’d warned him that this happened sometimes, that you had days where you were repulsed by the thought of anything romantic, completely turned off by actions that could be read as such. How dare he be hurt by it, as if you were an inconvenience he had to endure. He was the one who suggested you do the QPR thing in the first place, why did he suddenly think it only included the times you were acting closest to a regular girlfriend. At that point you hadn’t yet moved into his house so you left and slept in your own bed that night, sick with worry that you’d ruined everything with Ben, that you’d wake up in the morning to find not only your QPR broken but that your best friend wouldn’t want anything more to do with you at all. You felt stupid to have thought that a QPR could work, that you could ever fit anywhere. Clearly you were meant to be alone.  

But the next morning brought rational thought and rational conversation as well as a higher tolerance for romance. Ben called to make sure you were okay, confessing to a fairly sleepless night spent worrying if you'd got home safe and feeling bad about how you’d left. But you could hear his smile when you invited him over to talk about it, could practically see it in your mind’s eye. And then you saw it for real, a proper grin, when you’d opened the door and dove into his arms, burying your face in his shirt. He’d squeezed you tight, relieved that things between you were still good. It took a serious conversation to sort out what had gone wrong. You tried to better explain what it was you felt - the queasy feeling at the idea of being involved in any sort of romantic act and the discomfort when confronted with romantic imagery or depictions of romance and romantic couples – reassuring Ben that it wasn’t anything he’d done, and he apologised for giving you the cold shoulder, admitting his distance had been because he wasn’t sure how to act around you. Talking it out helped and when you were done, both feeling like you better understood what would help the situation, you curled up in bed together to catch up on the sleep you’d missed.  

The next time, nearly six months later, you’d been better prepared and, though it was still a little rocky, it had gone smoother. Ben didn’t try to avoid you, so you didn’t feel as abandoned as you had the last time, but you made sure to maintain some distance from him, knowing his feelings were different to yours and not wanting to put him in any awkward situations. There were moments when neither of you knew what to do or say, moments when it felt like you were both treading on eggshells to try and avoid a repeat of the last time. But when you asked to take a break from the TV series you were halfway through because the romance plotline didn’t hold the same enjoyment it usually did, he seemed to understand and agreed to what you needed. The time after that had been barely a month later, far sooner than you were expecting. You supposed that your relationship with Ben was having an impact. After all it had been a while since you’d last been in a romantic relationship and though what you and Ben had wasn’t that, it did cross some of the same lines. Surely it was natural that your mind would try to balance things out by making you feel unequipped to deal with romantic subplots and sentimental love songs more often than before. Or at least that’s how to tried to explain it to Ben when he made a huffy comment about the increasing frequency of your romance repulsed days. If it hadn’t been for an interrupting phone call from his mum, you might have fallen into another fight. Instead, you spent the time he was on the phone thinking about why things felt so hard, trying to come up with possible solutions. You went over some activities in your head, comparing how you usually felt about them and what you felt when you were romance repulsed. Cheek kisses still felt okay because they were generally a way you showed affection to everyone you knew, but being kissed on the lips seemed to cross a line, no matter how it was done. Cuddling too could be okay depending on the context but you’d probably prefer not to just to be safe. Sex on the other hand was a big question mark You’d never tried having sex on a no romo day before, but you assumed if emphasis was put on the physical pleasure it could work, though maybe positions that didn’t force eye contact would be more enjoyable. But perhaps that was better left to be explored when you were both more comfortable with the situation. Even dinners out together and datey things like that could be doable if you didn’t have to deal with candlelight and intimate seating.  

As soon as Ben was finished on the phone you tried to explain your thought process to him.   “The way I think about it is like...regularly I have a mental picture of what actions I feel are platonic and what actions cross into romance. Sometimes those lines aren’t super clear like with kissing, but I know which it is when I see it or experience it.” “Right, like how you don’t mind spooning in bed and getting really close but on the couch you prefer to rest your head on my lap or whatever.” “Yes, exactly. It might all be considered variations on cuddling but to me there's a big difference in how they feel. Well a no romo day is like if you took all of those distinct lines and moved them over a little. The lines are still there but the image is distorted and not quite what I’m used to seeing.” “Okay,” he stretched the word out thoughtfully, “so...it’s not that everything feels romantic it’s just that your tolerance levels have changed?” “Yeah, I think so. It’s not easy for me to understand either. Especially since sometimes things change more than others. But yeah, that’s pretty much it. But my big question is what do you need? I don’t want this to become a big problem or cause fights every time it happens so, what’s going to help make it feel more normal for you?” Ben thought for a moment, “Physical contact. I don’t mean that in a sexual way either, just physical contact. I mean you know how touchy I can be. It grounds me. Even just a hug or, y’know, rubbing my back as you walk past me, things like that. A high five even. If we’re out with the others it’s not so bad cause they all know what I’m like too and none of them will mind if I lean on their shoulder or sit on their lap or whatever. But when it’s just us...I need that physical contact to feel settled and I guess it’s been harder to feel okay about it when you flinch away from me. Makes me feel wrong just because I want to be close to you.” You were a little stunned by the honest and carefully considered way he responded to your question, and felt a little bad about trying to force space between you, “I knew you liked that sort of thing but I guess I didn’t realise how important it is for you.” Ben shrugged, “Normally it’s something I don’t even think about. But with you lately it’s like I just haven’t known what to do.”He paused, biting the corner of his thumb nail as he thought, “I don’t think the way I love you is entirely platonic anymore. I mean it hasn’t been entirely platonic for a while now but those feelings aren’t going away. And I’m not saying that to make you feel bad or anything, it’s just how it is, and I think it’s part of why I’ve been so weird or whatever about this whole romance repulsion thing.” “Yeah it must be kinda hard to understand what I mean,” “I’m trying to understand it and I’m trying to be respectful. But you gotta give me a little more. And you have to be more understanding of where I’m coming from too.”

After that, you both made adjustments to accommodate the other and talked through what solutions worked and what didn’t. Ben spent some time consulting google for ideas and found you a playlist of songs that had aromantic vibes or at least could be reinterpreted so the romantic meaning was more relatable for you. And you made more of an effort to keep up a physical closeness with him – sitting shoulder to shoulder as you watched TV and shared a bag of microwave popcorn, rubbing your hand over his back as you stepped behind him in the kitchen, surprising him by placing a cold hand to his face or stomach when he wasn’t expecting it – even on regular days when you didn’t hate the way it felt to be held by him. You figured that emphasising those sorts of small physical gestures would help both of you in the long run. Every so often something would arise that needed a little extra discussion but you both took them in your stride and did your best to be accommodating and patient.  

And by the next time a no romo day occurred, things were as close to perfect as you could hope for. You wriggled out from under Ben’s arm when you woke, better able to recognise the sick feeling  creeping up on you. Stepping out of bed you switched Ben’s oversized sweatshirt for one of your own and tiptoed down to the kitchen putting your anti-romantic playlist on softly as you made coffee and toast. When Ben eventually surfaced he pressed his lips to your cheek but he already felt you wouldn’t want anything more than that, putting together the pieces and proved right as you gave a small shake of your head. He gave your waist a brief squeeze in acknowledgement before turning toward the fridge to begin his own morning routine. And just like that you knew things would be okay. You couldn’t say you knew what he felt or that you entirely understood it but, yet again, Ben had shown that his love for you was less about Love and more about you. And you hoped he could see that you cared for him just as strongly, even if you felt it differently.

[whatareyousearchingfordean]

Happiness Continues

Part 2: 5 Weeks Pregnant

Summary: Y/n comes down with an unexplainable bug and tries to chalk it up to stress at work. But after a conversation with her sister-in-law, realization hits her that it’s not in fact a bug at all. 

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 3.8K+

Warnings: Language, nausea and vomiting, discussion of surprise pregnancy

Author’s Note: Welcome back to the party everyone. Let’s get started! Special thanks to my always hype woman @waywardbeanie​ and my amazingly patient beta @emoryhemsworth​ Please enjoy some reviews from friends who have the luxury of a few sneak peeks. xoxo Alex

“I never thought I would have to engage in fisticuffs with Jensen, but here we go lol”  @jensengirl83​

“Y’all are gonna love it.” @emoryhemsworth​

Catch up with the series masterlist and then check out Alexandra’s Library for more by yours truly!

The whole church was bustling as the pastor released the congregation for the day. It had been a nice sermon that Y/n hadn’t exactly paid attention to. All morning her body had been feeling iffy. It was something that she couldn’t exactly place, she just felt...off. Y/n assumed she was just coming down with a bug. By the time they had made it to the church, she was ready for a nap. In all honesty, she had to fight to keep her eyes open as their pastor droned on, which she did feel bad about. 

Y/n was rolling her tongue about as Jensen drove them off to Jared and Gen’s for their usual Sunday brunch. Gen had woken up late with the kids and therefore the Padalecki’s had skipped church that day. That meant Y/n didn’t have to help cook, a fact which she was grateful for considering the spinning going on in her head. 

“You’re quiet over there,” Jensen noted as they walked to the front door, their fingers entwined between them. 

“I just feel off this morning,” Y/n explained. “I’m not sure what it is.” 

“You think you’re coming down with something?” Jensen pushed open the door, letting themselves into the house. 

“I don’t know.”

“Well, you have been stressed lately. First, there was everything that happened at work and then the move. It’s a lot for anybody. Your body is probably worn down.” His words trailed off as Shep came running to greet them at the door. Jensen ruffled the kid’s hair as he came to hug them both. 

“Hmm, remind me to chug some orange juice then,” she commented before turning her attention to her nephew. Shep went into a deep explanation about how his mother had let him help cook their brunch, telling them both how he only dropped a few eggshells into the bowl. 

Y/n was laughing along with him as they went deeper into the house. It wasn’t until she rounded the front staircase that the smell of cooking bacon and pancakes hit her nose, causing a wave of nausea to roll through her. Planting her feet, she dropped Jensen’s hand and ran to the nearest powder room, the door slamming behind her. 

Y/n had to spit the saliva pooling in her mouth into the sink, taking deep breaths through her nose to will away the rolling inside her. Puking was the worst thing in her mind, and she would do anything to avoid an episode. This time she was successful, rinsing her mouth with water from the faucet helping to calm inside her. 

“Y/n/n,” Jensen turned the knob, waiting for a protest from her that didn’t come before pushing the door open, “Are you okay?”

Y/n shook her head, afraid if she spoke it would open the faucet inside her. “Do we need to go home?”

“No,” she swallowed down the bile and took another deep breath. “You eat, I’m just gonna lie down.” 

“Okay,” Jensen relented, running his hand down the back of her head and pulling her in so he could place a kiss to her forehead. “You’re sure?” 

“I just—” a hiccup tore through her, threatening to destroy all she was fighting down. “I just need a minute.” She managed to get the words out before leaving her husband standing in the doorway to the bathroom. As she headed off for the couch in Jared’s office, Jensen made his way back to where Jared and Gen were waiting, both of them staring at him in anticipation upon his return. 

“Is she alright?” Gen asked as she flipped a pancake on the griddle. 

“She says she is, but she’s gonna just lie this one out I think. Earlier she mentioned that she felt off.” Jensen took a coffee mug from the counter and filled it before sitting at the table. “I think she’s running herself into the ground. She’s trying to do more than one person should take on.” 

“Just make sure she gets a lot of fluids and some rest, and she’ll be good as new,” Jared noted as he tapped Tom’s hand when he reached out to grab something from Shep’s plate. 

“I hope so…”

Y/n had no sooner lain her head on the throw pillow than passed out. Jensen had to shake her a little harder than usual to wake her when the family had finished brunch. Y/n had felt far better after her nap, the events of the morning all but forgotten once she got home, though she didn’t push her luck with eating anything that evening. Mosty she drank a lot of juice, her cure-all. 

****

Soft pop music played on from the lobby of her office. Mondays in her office were usually casual, filled with standard meetings and the answering of emails. Today was no different, well, besides the fact that she couldn’t keep her eyes open. The long paragraphs on her screen began to run together and she kept having to reread them over. It was when her eyelids eventually started to droop that she sighed in defeat. 

Y/n pushed her chair away from her desk and went to close her door. She leaned out the doorway quickly to speak to her assistant. “I’m taking an early lunch, field my calls for a few hours, please?” Abby nodded her head and Y/n closed the door behind her. She sauntered over to the stiff couch that sat along the far wall of her office. Plopping down on the decorative piece, she kicked off her heels and laid out across it. 

She was out as soon as her eyes closed.

The sharp trill of her cell phone jolted her awake. The sudden change in her position had her stomach flipping. Gingerly, she brought her hand up to her mouth and she paused to allow the bout of nausea to pass her. By the time she got her bearings, her phone had ceased ringing. Y/n slipped her heels back on her feet and made her way to her desk to retrieve her cell. The time across the screen indicated she had been out for two hours. She let out a huff, assuming she would get a thirty-minute cat nap before finishing her day. Now she felt bad about leaving Abby out there to answer all her calls during that time. 

The missed call indicated that it was from her husband. As she sat down behind her desk, she redialed his number. He answered on the second ring. 

“Hey honey,” she could practically see his smile through the phone. 

“Hey,” her voice was hoarse as she answered him.

“Babe, you okay?” The change in his tone had Y/n picturing him sitting up straight wherever he was. 

“Uh, I don’t really know. I just took a two-hour nap in my office, though,” Y/n’s eyes drifted shut again as she rubbed a hand over her face. 

“Are you still feeling sick?” Y/n grunted out a response. “Well, I was calling to ask what you wanted for dinner, but now I’m thinking maybe you should come home, you don’t sound too well. Take the day off.” 

“I think maybe you’re right.” There was nothing big happening today. They had survived the last two hours without her, they could make it through the rest of the day. “I’ll be home in ten, love you.” 

“Love you too, see you soon.” The line clicked as Jensen hung up the phone. Y/n collected her things and headed out of the office. She let Abby know she was taking a sick day on her way out, the woman wishing her well as she exited. 

She barely remembered the drive home, only registering that she was even in the car once she parked it in the garage. The smell of cooking chicken hit her nose as soon as she entered the house, sending waves through her stomach. Y/n dropped her purse in the hallway, booking it past Jensen, who stood in front of a large pot on the stove, and straight to the nearest bathroom, her hand over her mouth to keep from making a mess. 

Her knees hit the tile hard as she leaned over the toilet, emptying the contents of her stomach into the bowl. Jensen was right behind her, pulling her hair back and holding it out of harm's way. Gently he rubbed small circles on her back until she was dry heaving, nothing left to come up. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and fell against the wall near the toilet. Her eyes were watering and her nose was running. Jensen stood and ran a washcloth under the tap before kneeling back in front of her to wipe her face. 

“I was going to make you some soup, but apparently that’s now out of the question.” He tried to smile for her, but it was tight and unconvincing. 

“Maybe just some crackers for now,” she rasped, smiling back at him so he knew that she appreciated the sentiment. Jensen snorted with a shake of his head. It was just like his wife, making jokes as she sat on the bathroom floor where she had just vomited her guts out. 

“Alright, what do you say we get you into bed?” He cocked his head at her as he continued to wipe away what makeup he could from her face. She nodded enthusiastically, allowing him to help her to her feet. She followed him through the house and to their bedroom. Jensen went to her dresser and pulled out a pair of pajamas as she began to disrobe. He tossed the cotton garments her way before going to turn down the bed. 

“I’m going to finish the soup anyway, in case you’re up for it later,” he said, tossing their throw pillows across the room and pulling back the thick comforter. “Holler if you need me, yeah?” Y/n crawled into the open bed, the cool sheets feeling amazing against her heated skin. 

“Thank you.” The smile on her face was weak. 

“That’s what I’m here for. Get some rest.” Jensen leaned down and tucked her into the bed, placing a soft kiss against the clammy skin of her forehead. She watched as he sauntered out of the room, shutting off the light as he went. For the second time that day, she was asleep before she knew it. 

****

That week, Monday’s events had all but become her routine. Y/n had stopped eating breakfast before work, which tended to help her get through the day, though she was still opting for a quick nap during her lunch break seeing as she wasn’t eating anyway, a fact which she was skillfully keeping from her husband. He worried about her far too much, and if he knew she still wasn’t feeling well, he’d insist on her calling her doctor, which was the last thing she wanted to do. Y/n hated the doctor almost as much as she hated airports. 

It was harder to hide from him at night, even though she found once she was home from work she could keep food down for longer. As long as it was something light, her stomach handled it well. As far as she knew, he was not suspicious. 

She was wrong. 

Gen had called her asking if she wanted to go with her to the park with the kids, which Y/n would never turn down as it was an opportunity to be with her niece and nephews. What she didn’t know is Jensen had asked Gen to pump Y/n for information. He knew she wasn’t eating and sleeping a lot more than usual, and he was just being the concerned husband. 

“So, how have you been this week?” Gen asked as they sat down on the bench to watch the kids run amok. 

“Not, bad I guess.” 

“So you think you’re over whatever happened on Sunday?” Gen pushed, watching her kids on the playground. 

“Eh, whatever it is, I have it under control,” Y/n played off her concerns, not exactly worried about it herself. If she was being frank, she didn’t have time to be worried about it. Her skincare line was launching in a few weeks and there was still so much to get done. She had press releases to approve, and a pop-up event downtown that she was to attend when the brand premiered at Ulta. No, it wasn’t her concern right now. Everything was under control.

“That doesn’t sound convincing.” 

“It’s just some sort of bug. I’ll be fine. I’ve only gotten sick a couple of times.” Gen snapped her head to her sister-in-law, a frown etched on her features. 

“You’ve been getting sick all week?” 

“That’s not what I said,” Y/n groaned, knowing full well Gen was spiraling into mom-mode. 

“But you’ve been nauseous, yeah?” 

“I mean off and on, but I’ve been able to eat and keep it down most meals. It’s the ‘not being able to keep my eyes open’ that’s pissing me off. I know I’m probably overdoing it but I don’t have the luxury of thinking about that now. I can sleep when this line has launched.” 

“Sounds like when I was pregnant with Shep. All I did during the first trimester was sleep and puke. It was exhausting. Try sucking on lollipops, it helps.” Y/n nodded as Gen jumped up to reprimand Odette for going up the slide instead of down it. Her words rang around in Y/n’s head as she watched the small brunette grab her godchild and pull her off the slide. 

There was no way…

Y/n whipped her phone out of her pocket, quickly thumbing through her calendar, looking for an appointment. The further she went back in weeks the more nervous she became. She found it in the middle of May, the red indicating that it had been canceled after it already read that it was a makeup appointment. She hadn’t been back since the beginning of the year. Panic set in, which was not doing anything for the state of her stomach at the moment. She sat there, counting back the days since her last period, the hammering of her heart increasing as the number of days increased. Y/n had missed her period and not even noticed. She really was an idiot, she thought to herself 

For the rest of her visit, she tried to remain level headed. In reality, she wanted nothing more than to run to the nearest drug store, which was exactly what she did the second that Gen rounded up three tired kids to take home and put to bed. There was a store just two blocks out of her way home which she went straight for the second she turned over the ignition in her Jeep. Slipping inside the small store, she grabbed one of every brand of pregnancy test they sold there, and quietly slipped back out. 

Y/n rolled the brown paper bag up tightly in her fist as she raced inside the house. Every sense was heightened as she made her way through the house, keeping an eye out for her husband, but she found him nowhere as she entered, assuming that he was already in the bedroom. She stopped outside the bedroom door, shimmying off her jacket and rolling her secret up inside before entering. 

Jensen sat up as she entered, but she just muttered something about having to pee as she passed, which wasn’t exactly a lie. There wasn’t even enough time for him to say hello before she was catching the lock on the door behind her. 

The first thing she did was dump the contents of the paper bag onto the counter, organizing the tests on the counter as she skimmed over the instructions. The bottle of water she chugged on the drive over was starting to do its job, making her antsy as she read over what to do. Most of the tests had the same instructions inside, making things easier for her overall. Her shaky fingers ripped into the boxes, tossing the torn cardboard into the trash as she went. 

It took all of five minutes to find out whether or not she was, in fact, pregnant, but it was the longest five minutes of her life. She was sure Jensen was probably wondering if she was having more stomach issues with the amount of time she had spent behind the locked door. 

When the appropriate time had passed, Y/n flipped the tests over, her hands passing through each one quicker than the last, and all of them telling her the same thing. 

Y/n’s fingers gripped into the marble countertop, the five pregnancy tests sitting inside the sink. Their answer to her question was definite. There were no ‘maybes’ about it, no one and a half lines or ‘possibles’ etched into the screen. Each test was flashing back up at her like neon signs.

She was pregnant. 

Outside the bathroom door, her husband was unknowingly lounging in their bed. He was without a care and probably mindlessly scrolling through his Twitter feed like every other night before bed, and she was about to destroy that façade with two simple words. 

The nervous woman ran her hands through her hair before shaking out her limbs. She took a few deep breaths before steeling herself to go out and tell him. Dragging it out wouldn’t do anyone any good. Even though this wasn’t planned, both of them had made known their wishes for a family, and it was in this that fact that she was even able to muster up the courage to tell him she had fucked up. Because it was the truth, she had fucked up, major.

Plastering a smile on her face, she pulled open the door, making sure to shut it behind her to hide the tests until she could break the news. Y/n stalked over to where Jensen was lounging, his legs crossed at the ankle with one hand behind his head, the other scrolling through his phone. His brow was scrunched as he concentrated on whatever he was reading on the tiny screen. She climbed onto the bed and over to his side before stopping to sit back on her knees.

“Hey, babe,” his voice was soft and his eyes heavy. Jensen put the phone down and put his hand on her bare knee, rubbing soft circles there. 

“Jensen, I’ve got to tell you something.” It took everything in her to quell the shake in her voice as her heart rate picked up. But of course, him and his damn perceptiveness had to pick up on it in a millisecond.  

Jensen’s brows knit together and he sat up a little in the bed. “What’s wrong, babe?”

“I’m…” Her breath caught in her throat as the reality of their situation kept washing over her in droves. Jesus, Y/n, spit it out, she thought. “I’m pregnant.”

Silence fell over the room once she finally managed to get the words out. Y/n watched her husband as his tongue poked out between his teeth and his jaw clenched as he tried to figure out the words he wanted to say. The lack of reaction had her stomach flipping on itself, which, giving her current situation, was not helping anything. Y/n swallowed down nausea to push her husband into talking. 

“Jay, please say something.” 

“How did this happen?”

“With the insanity at work and the move I just... I missed a couple of appointments with my gynecologist. I missed my shot,” she explained, hoping he didn’t hate her. 

“Fuck, Y/n!” He fell back into the bed, the inflection in his words the worst possible thing she could hear. The sheer rumble of it in the quiet room was enough to make her flinch back from the man she loved. Jensen ran both of his large hands down his face before continuing. “This wasn’t supposed to happen now, I was supposed to have more time.”

“What?” His words made no sense to her. As far as she knew, Jensen wanted kids. It was something they had talked about before they were ever an item. Had she been wrong? Were the two of them somehow not on the same page about this? Y/n tried to rack her brain for a moment in time where that could have changed but she was coming up empty. 

“I was supposed to have more time with you. Just the two of us before we did this, before late-night feedings and diapers, before everything changes forever,” He explained further. His words calmed down her racing heart and mind, but only a little. Now she felt more guilty than she already was. All he wanted was to be with her and she had ruined his plans.

“I’m sorry,” Y/n whispered, casting her eyes down to where her fingers were fiddling with the hem of her shirt. The tears that had been threatening to fall this whole time had finally made a break for it, leaving shining tracks down her cheeks. 

“Oh, Y/n,” he sighed, taking her hand in his and pulling her to lay in his side. Y/n shoved her face into his chest, trying her hardest not to break into a full sob as he rubbed his hand into her back. After everything she did, she couldn’t believe that Jensen was the one that had to console her. It should be the other way around, right? It was her who had fucked up and ruined their plans for their future together, not him, after all. 

“I’m sorry,” she couldn’t stop the words that came out of her mouth this time. Y/n would tell him she was sorry until she was blue in the face. 

“I know, honey,” Jensen murmured into her hair before placing a kiss to the crown of her head. He continued to rub his hand along her back, waiting for her breathing to even before breaking the silence. 

“You’re really pregnant?” He asked, his voice much softer this time.

“If the five pregnancy tests in the sink have any say, then yes.” His chuckle shook his body and Y/n relished in the vibration of it against her cheek. 

“This isn’t how or when I picture this happening, I won’t lie about that, but honey, we’re having a baby, this is a good thing.” The way his voice rose at the end of his sentence had Y/n pulling out of her hiding space in his side, looking up to see him smiling down at her. 

“You’re not mad? You don’t hate me?” Her hope was threatening to spill out of her mouth like vomit as she rubbed the wetness from her cheeks.

“No,” Jensen shook his head. “I love you, more today than yesterday, and more tomorrow than today, and I will love this baby just as much.”

Y/n shook her head before diving into her husband, nuzzling her face into his neck. “I love you too.” 

“Y/n,” Jensen laughed, the sound breathy as it escaped his chest. “We’re having a baby!”

Part 3: 8 Weeks Pregnant 

Forevers: @22sarah08​ @akshi8278​ @anathewierdo​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​​ @callmekda​ @dawnie1988​ @deanwanddamons​ @ellewritesfix05​ @emoryhemsworth​ @flamencodiva​​ @foxyjwls007​ @hobby27​ @janicho88​ @jensengirl83​ @katehuntington​ @lyarr24​ @malfoysqueen14​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @msmarvelouswinchester​ @polina-93​​ ​ ​ ​  @sleepylunarwolf​ @stiles-stilinski-24-dylan​ @smol-and-grumpy​ @superfanficnatural​ @supraveng​ @talesmaniac89​ @tranquility-or-chaos​​ @waywardbeanie​ @winchest09​

Continues: @ashleyrose0117 @austin-winchester67​ @colbyskoalas​ @deanmonandnegansbitch​ @deans-baby-momma​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @dvnmbabe​ @harryhook-lover​ @let-me-luve-you​ @lunarmoon8​ @onethirstyunicorn​ @parinarain​ @rebelemilu​ @smoothdogsgirl​ @spnfamily-j2​ @stoneyggirl​ @squirrelnotsam​ @traceyaudette​ @zpandaqueen​

[geminifeed1]

Blaze (M)

Pairing: (F) Reader x Min Yoongi

Genre: angst.

Idols au.

WC: 1K+

Warnings: Language.

A/N:

--------------------------

Pt1 / Pt2 / Pt3 / Pt4

--------------------------

We arrived at the club.. it's not really my favorite scene but it's where my friends like to meet.. My eyes find my childhood best friend Jinyoung.. I go straight up to him.

"We need to talk."

"Not now, let's talk later okay."

"No we...."

He cut me off : "Let's dance first." as he pulled me to the dance floor.

We started dancing, I needed to think anyway, so while we were jumping around I gathered my thoughts.. what Mina (Jinyoung's girlfriend) well ex now I guess, said, still burning the inside of my head.. of course it's not true but I just need to make sure, to prove it to her. They were perfect for each other, they shouldn't break up over something so ridiculous and obviously not true..

But as we lose ourselves to the music like we always do.. when the music started slowing down.. and he got awfully close, looking dangerously into my eyes.. i started freaking out a little .. because what i started to see in these eyes that I've known so well for years.. made me panic.. surely I'm just overthinking it.. and i hope to god that it's just the music and liquor and not actually.. something.. else.

I stepped back and went to sit down in our booth. A couple minutes later he followed me inside the booth. He just looked at me.. waiting for me to speak..

"What happened with Mina?" I started.. sipping my drink. "Nothing. We broke up. It didn't work out."

"Why didn't you tell me? We tell each other everything, or so I thought." I looked at him

"No we don't. If I told you every secret I carry, there would be a different story." Before I could ask him what he meant I heard him curse under his breath looking behind the crowd.. I turn to see what he is looking at.. that's when I saw Yoongi looking back at us..

He came over and pulled me away.. I could feel Jinyoung watching me, the burn of his gaze on my back.

"What are you trynna do?" with his fingers still tangled in mine.

"Nothing, what do you mean?"

"I saw you both dancing.. you didn't have to be stuck to him that close to dance.. not that i care anyway."

I rolled my eyes.

He held my waist and kissed my cheek and I'm pretty sure he was glancing at Jinyoung to make sure he saw that, we don't do PDA, not ever, I can read him like tea leaves..

"I thought you had to work this week." I raised my brow at him.

"I had a couple of hours free, so i thought i drop by and see a friend that i haven't seen in a while."

"You did that the last time too, to visit a museum!.. It seems like.. You would go out of your way for anything but never for me."

"Is that what you really think?? what about you? Even though you see your members 24/7 , you still choose to spend your free time with them, how come I'm not your first choice?"

"It's not like you ever here anyway, and even when you're here you're half present.. now it doesn't even matter anymore if you're here or not.."

The effect of my words was immediate and obvious. Yoongi’s arms fell from my frame uselessly to his sides. He took a step back, looking at me with eyes deep with sadness.

"How can you say that... I don't understand why you have to make things so difficult all the time."

That did sting a little..

"What did i do now?.. why do you always find a way to make it my fault."

"I never said anything is your fau...."

I cut past him in the middle of his sentence but he caught my arm

"Where are you going?"

"To my friends."

"Every time i say something you don't like you just leave.. It feels like i'm walking on eggshells with you.."

"Well maybe then we shouldn't speak.. it was better when we weren't talking.."

"You don't mean that."

"Of course i don't Yoongi! I'm just sick of fighting."

"Then lets not fight.."

"Only if it was as easy as saying it." and went back to my friends.

______________________

"So what happened last night exactly?" Nari asked.. sitting down on the floor of our practice room.

"I mean nothing really happened, he was just acting weird." I replied.

"Jinyoung? From got7?" Said Sora while sitting down joining our conversation.

I nodded.

"He's your childhood friend right?"

"Yeah, which is why I think it's weird.. he's never like this."

"That's not what his ex thinks." Nari raised her eyebrows at me with a knowing look.

"Wait what? his ex? when did they break up?" Sora said in confusion.

"Last month I think? she said she thinks he's in love.. with me.." I whispered the last words..

Sora cocks her head to the side "Do you really, believe he has feelings for you?"

"Of course not. Besides, he knows I'm very much in love with my boyfriend."

"That doesn't really stop anyone from having feelings, but it could stop one from doing something about it, which explains why you never knew, you've basically been with Yoongi almost your whole life. Poor Jinyoung."

"Stop it.. stop this. I don't wanna think about it."

"Maybe you should talk to him." Nari suggests.

"And say what? oh hi I heard you're in love with me is that true?"

"Yea maybe.."

"..What am i supposed to do if he says yes.. or no..."

"Love me some real-life kdrama" said Sora in a celebrating voice, we both slapped her at the back shaking our heads.

_____________________

"I can't. my schedule is full the whole week." Yoongi said on the other end of the phone.

"It's been full the whole month.. when am i gonna see you?"

"Soon i promise.."

"yeah soon as in another couple months. It's always like that."

"Baby.. I miss you too, i'm sorry it's not by choice u know that."

"Why does it feel like i'm dating myself." I whispered.

Silence.

"I'm sorry.. i know I'm acting like a baby.. it's okay I understand It's your job.. it's just I missed you that's all. I love you." I say apologetically even though I'm still sad.

"I love you too, and I do miss you, so much.. you have no idea."

After I finished my call I went back to the kitchen.. I'm at Jinyoung's house.. Since we didn't finish our conversation at the club..

"You guys argue a lot these days." said Jinyoung in his disapproval voice.

I sighed.. "It's.. I don't know.. i don't wanna say that I'm used to it but I'm used to it.."

"You shouldn't.."

"I know.. looks like we both have troubles with our significant other."

"Except i realized it was wrong and got out of it.. maybe you should think about it too.."

"I couldn't imagine my life without him.. i don't wanna be alone."

"You'll never be alone.. You have me i'll always be here."

I stared at him for a moment..

"You are a very special person and everybody can see that.. I Lo... I.. really care about you.. more than most if not, all people in my life. I mean you're literally my best friend"

I tried to play it nonchalantly and act like I didn't hear what almost came out of his mouth.. but my heart started beating faster in my chest.

"I'm not trying to insert myself in your love life or interject myself where I shouldn't be.. but.. you deserve the best.. you deserve to be happy.. you are obviously not with him." he looks deeply into my eyes.

I just don't say anything as I wait for my heart to slow down.. you can't hear a person's heart from a distance right? God, I hope he can't hear it.

"Y/n? are you still here with me?"

"yeah yeah sure." Shaking myself internally.

"Anyway, It doesn't really matter. what do you want for breakfa..."

"I talked with Mina.." I need to get it out of my chest before I lose the courage.

The color drained from his face but he regained himself quickly planting a smile on his face "Yeah? what did she say?"

"It doesn't matter what she said, because I know it's not true, everyone who meets us just assumes we are together when we are not, you should tell her it's not true.. it isn't, right?" My eyes pleading with him to say yes it's not.. but the look on his face made me take a couple steps back..

"I can tell by the look on your face that you want me to lie and say what you want to hear.. i can do that for you, I've been doing it for the past ten years.. but I won't anymore.. it was hell for me.. silently watching you go through hell with him, breaking my heart twice the times he broke yours.."

I didn't notice my tears were falling down, until he came closer and wiped them for me.. i pushed him away, i felt angry, hurt, confused.. did our friendship meant nothing to him, was he there just because he has feelings for me.. was he there just waiting for my relationship to end so he can step up and take me away.. it wasn't pure friendship.. it wasn't even real.. my feelings were all over the place.. the air In the room suddenly ain't enough, when did i stop breathing.. i have to get out.. i need to leave..

______________________

To be continued.

[lackingspace]

Incensed (Bo Sinclair x Reader)

Rated: Explicit 

Word Count: 2.5K

Summary: Bo is having a shit morning and you’re not making it any better. When some tourist wander in his irritation spikes exponentially. Why the fuck would you think flirting with one of them would be ok? 

Warnings: Bo being an irate ass, Possible offensive language, Punishment, Degradation, Spanking, Dirty talk

A/N: Ok, not my typical content, but its House of Wax day and I’m thirst af  I love those boys, so I wanted to celebrate. Angry Bo just came out, so that’s what y’all get (╯°□°）╯ ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

AO3 Link: Incensed

You were goddamn doing it again. Bo was so fucking fed up. It’d been a shitty morning of waking up to a blaring hangover. Breakfast had Lester and you chattering like incessant little birds while Vincent's mute ass self was somehow still being too damn loud. 

He’d snapped when you laughed in the high twinkling pitch that usually hit him somewhere uncomfortable in his chest but now split his brain in two. “Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up!” Everyone stopped to stare over at him, even Vincent mid-bite, turned to stare him down. 

You had a disgusted and offended look on your face that almost made him want to feel bad, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t when his head was splitting and only getting worse. You spat at him in annoyance, “What the hell, Bo?” 

He grabbed his coffee cup and grunted, “Can a man drink his fucking coffee in peace? Y’all are being so fucking loud with your bullshit.” You crossed your arms and leaned forward against the table, “No, not when a ‘man’ is gonna be a dick before 9 am.” You’d said, ‘man’, so venomously he felt a tiny spark of pride because that surely was something you’d picked up from him. Regardless, he ignored it because his temper took precedence. White-knuckling his cup he took a sip before hissing at you, “The fuck did you say?” 

Vincent and Lester were both looking at you now. Vinny's gaze concerned, worried, while Lester put a hand on your shoulder saying your name. You looked away from the ass at the counter and back to your friend, “Just don’t, s’not worth it.” You looked at Vincent and he shook his head, so after pursing your lips you sighed out, “Nothing.” 

Bo took another sip as his anger simmered down, “S’what I fuckin thought.” He saw your jaw clench. And that felt fucking good. So when you’d followed him out to his truck after breakfast he was surprised. You walked to his passenger side and let yourself in before he could say anything. Getting in himself he turned to you, “Can I fuckin help you, princess?”

The look you gave him was like a mocking taunt, “Nah, but I could probably help you.” Bo wasn’t in the mood to play games, so he just cranked the engine and shifted gears with an eye roll, “Suit your fuckin self.”

You’d been so fucking annoying too. Following him around, commenting just enough to get under his skin, but not enough to make him want to glue your mouth shut. But God, was he contemplating it...be a waste of your pretty lips though. You’d started questioning him on mechanic things and fuck was it annoying, but they seemed like genuine questions and damn if it didn’t feel nice to have someone admire his skill for once. 

But when some jock ass pricks rolled up asking for some car help, well, the side-eye you’d given him, screamed trouble. The little asshats had thought you were the receptionist, that made Bo laugh as he thought to himself, ‘receptionist my ass’. But you’d been nice and accommodating to the boys. Leaning on the counter showing them some ample cleavage that made Bo ready to say fuck his brother's art and gouge out their eyes himself for looking. 

But you kept it up and he was about ready to strangle someone when you decided it was a good idea to start flirting with one of the fucks. He fucking hated when you got in a mood- you were stubborn as all get out and it never worked out in Bo’s favor when you got like this. He knew he’d been an ass earlier, but any small amount of guilt he’d had quickly evaporated. Not when he could tell you actually fucking thought one of em was cute. It wasn’t just a fake blush you were giving the twink.

Bo groaned in disgust when you laughed at something stupid that’d been said. He caught your gaze and gave you a glowering look that said ‘fuckin cut it out he wasn't in the mood.’ but the smug little smirk you returned said something different. 

His mood darkened quickly when the asshole actually put a hand on you. Fucking touching you wasn’t gonna fly. Not with the morning he’d had. The little prick was on the top of Bo's shit list in an instant with your name right under it. If the little twit moved his hand any lower on your back Bo would have reached over and broke it. Instead, he didn’t and just left it so you’d realize how absolutely fucked you were. 

Wiggling out from under the tourist's arm you giggled an excuse and walked back over to where Bo was. Inside you were sweating because he hadn’t stepped in like you’d thought and that spoke to how pissed he was. How fucked you were. It wasn't like you didn’t know he was mad. And, sure, you’d known what you were doing. Stopping way earlier was probably smarter, but you never claimed to be a genius, so when flirting presented itself, well, it had seemed perfect. 

You’d been annoyed at him this morning, and maybe had wanted some payback. Wanted to annoy him because he’d been such an ass not only this morning but all damn week. It wasn’t fair for Lester and Vinny to constantly have to walk on eggshells when Bo was just fucking ornery.

And ok, you'd admit that you’d pushed a little too far here though. Especially with how possessive Bo was. He’d even get pissed when you tried to drink some of his coffee. So some random guy, not his brother, putting their arm around you was like a death wish. And God, was he standing beside you deathly silent-- it had you fucking sweating for real. It wasn’t the guy you were worried about, he was dead either way, but you'd maybe just fucked yourself royally. Bo's punishments were unpredictable- very good or very bad. You’d consider yourself lucky if he just ignored you or bitched for a few weeks until you were finally privileged enough for a spanking. God, there was something sick in you though because you still wanted it even if he edged you for a month before forgiving you. 

He gave some excuse to the group through clenched teeth that he'd be able to work on their vehicle, but needed to take care of something downstairs first, and that they should go out and find something to do. They'd accepted his answer and left the shop none the wiser. 

You'd never felt his hand grip the back of your neck faster in your life. In a deep growl, “You little bitch.” He tightened his grip, “ You’re fucking coming with me and don't even think about making a fucking peep. If you wanna be a slut I'll show you what sluts get." he kept to a slow walk until the both of you were out of view, then he all but pushed you down the stairs leading to his playroom. 

He didn't even bother opening the door, just pushed you against the wall next to it-- your cheek smashed against it he invaded your space, "Think you're real slick trying to play with that little bitch in front of me?" you whined out an "I'm sorr-" but he cut you off, "What’d I fucking say?” 

You cut your whine instantly, “And see, you're not sorry. You'da stopped when I fucking told you to if you were." He leaned in closer and you could hear the growl- the anger in his voice directly in your ear, "You were too busy bein a filthy fucking attention whore. Good thing you didn’t let him grab that ass otherwise I don't give a fuck how sweet that pussy is, you'd be out too. Vincent can have a hissy fit later." 

Shit, you knew he was pissed, but damn this was pissed. You tried to actually apologize, "Bo, I'm s-" But his hand came up to lift your face off the wall to grip your cheeks tightly, "Nuh-uh, Don't you fucking Bo me. You're gonna shut the fuck up while I give you something to be sorry for." He pushed against your ass as he leaned over to open the door and God, he was half hard already.

Dragging your through, he made it to the edge of the bed “You're gonna sit that little ass over my lap and I'm gonna make it so Vinny’s gonna have to fucking ice it for a week." You groaned because fuck, you knew this was supposed to be a punishment and it was definitely going to hurt, but damned if you didn't need it. Him being actually pissed was hot as hell and even if you couldn’t sit for a week you really couldn’t find it in you to be mad about that. The man didn't know the power he had over you when he was pushing you around like this.  

He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled you roughly over his lap. His hand on the back of your neck slid up to grip a tight fist of your hair pushing your face into the mattress. His other ripped off your skirt and panties all in one go, "You’re gonna fuckin count them you cunt and thank me for each one." You tried to nod but the fist didn't allow any movement so you let out a muffled, "Ok, yes sir." His fist tightened in preparation as your breath hitched and delivered the first rough smack to your bare ass. Your muscles tightened at the sting, "One, Thank you, sir!" he grunted and gave another just as rough-- you winced and jolted up, "Two! Thank you, sir!" 

On it went until you were sobbing in his lap from the pain and how much your clit ached. “Twenty! Thank you, sir!” He hadn't gone easy, wasn’t about that. Not even a little. Taking all his aggression out on your ass and you really couldn't say you were mad about it. Sure it hurt and would probably leave some bruising, but damn it really was a good hurt. 

Even when he soothingly ran a hand over the area your ass stung, "Don't give me that crying, I can tell from your sloppy pussy how much you liked this." he slid a finger through your drenched folds, "It's like Niagara falls down here. You're a little slut for this, aren't ya?" You shook your head in denial, not wanting to give him that if he was gonna be an ass about it. He slid a finger back through your folds and your hips lifted off he lap in want, "Look at that. Can't even fucking help yourself."

A swift smack shocked your system back into pain, "Don't fuckin try to take what I'm not giving, whore." You rubbed your face into the mattress trying to get yourself under control as you squeezed your thighs together. With a deep breath, “I'm sorry, sir” He laughed, "You’re really fuckin not. But I'll let it slide because I'm feelin generous.” He slid a finger into your pussy and you instantly clenched around it, but tried to stay as still as possible, “This just want you wanted, huh? My fingers in this whore cunt of yours? Think I deserve a fuckin apology after all your shit today.” 

You could tell he was calmer now, but that meant dangerous. Too bad dangerous also meant sexy. And you’d give this asshole whatever he wanted as long as he’d keep sliding his fingers in and out of you, “I'm waiting, Princess.” and he slipped a second finger in scissoring them, you groaned, "I'm sorry! Ok, Bo?! I'm so fucking sorry! I shouldn't have! I knew what I was doing and that you weren't in a good mood, but I did it anyways. God, I'm sorry Daddy, please don't be mad!" you were shaking in his lap and fuck, wait...oh fuck you'd never let that slip before. Shit, you felt yourself tense up just as his cock twitched under you. Fist still in your hair pulled your face up, "What was that?!" You stayed silent and he gave a hard jerk, winching in pain, "I'm sorry....Daddy" he groaned, "Too fucking right, baby girl."

He’d started his fingers back up, roughly pushing them in and out of you, “Bein a bad girl pushing Daddy’s buttons like that. But you did so good taking that spanking.” with a twist of his hand you felt him brush up against that spongy area inside that had your hips jerk up into his hand and sobbing out a moan, “Daddy’s gonna be real sweet to you and fuck this cunt open.” you moaned again at the idea. He was so hard against you and damn did you want it inside you more than anything. You didn’t have to wait long because after another twist of his wrist he pulled his fingers out, swiped them through your folds, and gave a circle to your clit before pulling away completely. You whined, but felt him move the two of you, “Keep that fucking face in the mattress and ass up.”

Pulling your legs underneath to prop yourself up in the position he wanted, “That's right, baby. Now spread yourself open for me. Show me that pussy.” Your face burned, god he could be so nasty, but you loved it and did as he asked. Reaching both hands back to spread yourself open for him. 

You heard him shuffling before you felt a hand settle on your lower back. “Look at that red ass and wet little hole.” He smoothed a hand down a cheek before he gave it a much lighter smack. You groaned and felt yourself pulse around nothing, “Look at that slutty pussy clench.” He ran a finger from the start of your ass down through your folds, coming to a stop at your clit and gave a few circles to it. 

“Don't worry, sunshine, Daddy’s got somethin to fill it up with.” His hand moved away and then you felt the length of him slide up through your folds. You couldn’t stop the moan that fell from your lips as he smacked it against your pussy a few times, “Feel that? I’m gonna stretch you open real good, darlin’.” Sliding his cock back down to press the tip against your clit he brushed it back up to rest at your opening, “You gonna be a good girl and take it like a whore for me?” 

Drool had steadily been falling from your lips but you couldn’t find it in you to care. Your hair was a mess and face felt on fire, but the only thing your existence came down to at that moment was the way his cock was just breaching into you- just teasingly stretching you. Slowly his words filtered through your brain to which you rapidly nodded and whined out a “Please!” 

He slid in slowly before the last syllable left your mouth. 

[mrsmaybankhere]

Lose yourself

this is the fic i was talking about and i’m quite proud of it, soo i hope you liked it as much as i do!!

i was literally crying the whole time so i’m sorry for any mistakes. it’s also huuge, over 3.5 k words so be ready for it💞

enjoy and let me know what you guys think!! love you a lot xx

Televisions didn't announced any storm coming to OBX, but as you drive your Jeep to The Cut you can clearly see clouds begin to form on the now clear blue sky. The heat was barely supportable in the last few days, but a storm or another hurricane is never a good thing. You bite on your lower lip, thinking at your friends who got lost on the ocean and are now declared dead. Today are three months since then and apparently, today is gonna be another storm. But things changed since that day.

Oh God, how much did they change...

You stop the car engine and after you jump out from the car, you take with you the few food purchases you made on your way there. You already know that the boys are out of beer and anything edible. Beside these stupid mushrooms they took a few days ago and tripped on them for almost eight hours.

You push the door of the Chateau using one arm, holding the bags with the other one and the door finally open after a few tries. There was some trash blocking it and you gulp, trying to hide your disappointment as Pope welcomes you in.

"Oy, JJ! [Y/N] is here!"He screams at your boyfriend and you nod, handing him the bags as you follow him into the kitchen. JJ murmured something you didn't understand and a few curse words. You decide to take care of this first.

"What's up?" You casually ask him and you take a look around the kitchen as you place the food and the beer into the initially very empty fridge. Damn, how did they live here?

"Not too much. JJ is rolling a blunt if you're asking."

"You look stoned." You say as you rise your eyebrow, Pope shifting uncomfortable on the kitchen old and stained countertop.

"Well maybe because I just smoked, mom?" He makes it seem like a question and you pull your lips in a line, trying to cover your sigh.

You begin to clean the kitchen, throwing every piece of trash into a big plastic bag with Pope's eyes following every step you make. He's walking on eggshells around you, wondering how much time will take you to finally explode. He expected you to do it quite sooner, but you were nothing but calm and soft towards them. Especially J.

"Kie answered." You hear his voice, now quite raspy and you turn around to look at him. He can see the sparkles of hope in your eyes and he hates to broke it for you.

"What did she said?"

"That she can't see us like she used to. And that her parents are right with whatever shits they said to her about us. That she w-..."

"I think I get it." You feel a pain in your chest at the memories of Kie being here. Of John B and Sarah being alive and you laughing and partying together. Actually being a family. Pope just nods his head, his pain bigger than yours. He didn't just lost three friends, he also lost his girlfriend. Probably his parents too.

"When was the last time you went home? Your mother is worried sick."

Pope's mother called you last night, crying and imploring you to try and talk with him. JJ moved his ass here, leaving his abusive old man and it was for the better, but Pope's parents are good people and they don't deserve all this pain. None of you did deserve it, but you all have it on your shoulders anyway.

"Can't remember." He mutters, avoiding your glare. "Last weekend I think."

"Eight days, Pope? Really?" You rising your voice a little bit, feeling like a mother and that's what exactly you were for them these three horrible months. And that's what Pope wanted so bad to avoid: your disappointed face. "Go home right now or I will kick your ass out. You have ten minutes." You demand with a stern voice and face as you walk out of the kitchen, cleaning the living room and the porch as well. John B's room remained untouched and JJ locked it with a key that he hide it God knows where. "For when he gets back" he said that day and you had a horrible feeling of deja vu.

Now you are sure that a storm is coming as full grey clouds are covering the sky and you even catched a few lightnings. By the time you were down with the cleaning, Pope walks on the porch with a backpack on his shoulder and JJ following right behind him. He's only wearing jeans, his hair a mess and his shark necklace always at his neck.

"What do you mean you leaving? I just rolled the perfect...Trust me, the perfect blunt."

You thought that you get used to something after seeing it for a thousand times, but you didn't get used to the new JJ. The heartbroken and devastated, always wasted JJ. The past three months were a hell for him and he made it even worse for you. You had to adjust to your own grief and you also had his pain on your back, carrying it with you every moment of the day and night. In the first month you couldn't sleep or eat at all as your only concern was JJ. You were scared that he may be doing something stupid or reckless and for most of the times he was. Starting fights for nothing and beating the shit out of everyone who dared to bother him. At first you also thought that Pope was gonna help you, but you were so naive. You were so blind that you didn't saw how Pope changed too, copying JJ's mechanism to numb out the pain: drugs and alcohol. But beside JJ, Pope isn't lying himself that everything is alright. Or that they will come back eventually.

"Baby! Didn't see you there. What are you doin'?" He knews that you were there, but he was too drunk and high to remember it. His arm loosely grabs your shoulders, pulling you to his side for a sloppy kiss. You can't hide your little smile because when you two kiss, you feel like your JJ is still there and times are happy again. And then when he pulls from your kiss, you have to face the cruel reality again.

"I was cleaning. The Chateau never looked this dirty before." You didn't realize it, but JJ's face fell at your words. You watch him walking away from you barefoot on the porch's floor, leaning against the supporting pillars. He turns with his back at you and Pope, lighting up the blunt and also speaking. You can see how tense his back is.

"We don't mind. We are living here..." He points a finger to Pope and himself. "Not you, [Y/N]. So you can't have a opinion."

"Pope is not living here."

"I have to head home, JJ. A storm is coming..." Pope pleads, trying to get a approbation from the blond guy.

"Yea, sure. Just go home before the rain star-..."

"Shut up, JJ." You snap at him, giving a hug to Pope before he slowly nods towards JJ who just ignored it. His bloodshot piercing blue eyes are on you, angry at you. You kept your calm for so long and for two months you were nothing but a sweet loving girlfriend to him, always down for sex, parties and even robbery. But your patience reached her limit and since then, you and JJ fight every night. And tonight isn't different.

"What's your problem?" He asks as quickly as you two remained alone.

"I think you know very well since I've told you many times now, but I'm gonna repeat myself: you are my problem, JJ. I'm tired."

You don't think that he's listening to you. He is puffing the blunt, watching outside from the door. The rain finally starts and the weather also get a little cold because of the wind.

"Come on, let's get inside." You speak and you open the door, entering into the living room, JJ following you with a growl and still smoking.

"Can't you just leave me alone for once?"

For three months he had talked to you like this. He was the old JJ only when he was inside of you or you were giving him head. You still be crying yourself to sleep every night because of this, of how powerless you are in this situation. All you can do is sit there and watch him falling apart.

But you had enough of it.

"JJ." You call his name and he turns around to look at you, you quickly grab the blunt from his hand and you throw it on the window. At least you have his attention now. But he's furious.

"What the fuck are you doing? Aren't you tired of all this fighting every damn night? Cause I am." His voice his loud and harsh, sending daggers right into your already broken heart. "You know, I left my father for a reason, [Y/N]."

"Don't...Don't you fucking say that to me! I actually give a fuck about your wasted ass!"

Well, this turned out good. Wonderful.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you acting like you are better than me? Like you are my damn mom or something."

You just wanted a calm conversation, but this is quickly turning into the same screaming match you always have. Both of you throwing the same heavy words, ending up with you crying, but still staying the night in the couch just to make sure he's okay during the night. That's how much of a pathetic you are.

"JJ, please hear me out. Let me talk. I don't wanna fight anymo-..."

"I can see that." He speaks sarcastically and you groan, still trying to keep your calm.

"JJ, look at me..." You cup his face to force him into looking right into your tired but still loving eyes. Even right now you are heartbroken for him, not for you. You gasp with tears already falling on your cheeks, knowing that what you're about to say will broke him down but you're hoping that he will wake up and finally see it for himself. "It's been three months, baby. John B is not coming back."

You can't describe what you saw inside of his eyes; something you never saw before, not in this way. The rage that's fulling his eyes is overwhelming for you and for your thin body as he grabs your shoulders, his fingers dagging into your skin as he's shacking you.

"Watch your mouth, [Y/N]. I'll say this once...And you better get it in your damn little head. Behave or leave for good."

You gulp down the words you had in your mouth, just letting him talk shit to you when you don't deserve any of it. You became his punching bag.

"You know what? Leave. I wanna be alone."

"I-I don't..." You can't talk as you feel anxiety taking control over your mind and body. Yeah, you are tired of this situation, but leaving him for good never was an option for you.

"Leave. I don't want you here. Can't you see that?"

You bite on your lower lip as you can feel how your stupid heart is ripped right from your chest, parts of it shattering your insides. You are still standing on your legs, but inside you feel like you are on your knees, screaming to make this stop. The pain is unbounded.

He turns with his back at you to grab a beer from the fridge; his hands are shacking while he tries to open it and he mutters a "fuck" under his heavy breath. When you finally find your voice again, you speak with a lower voice than what you expected.

"No. I'm sorry, but I'm not leaving you."

His back is tensed and jawline and fists clenched at the sound of your weak voice. You watch his back, not knowing what to expect from him, but you decide to keep talking. You can't make it worse than this.

Or...?

"You are the one who's always there for the ones he care about. I don't know about the others, but for me, JJ...You are my shoulder to cry on, my-...My lifebuoy. I wouldn't be here today if you weren't."

Your crying is uncontrollably at this point, making it really hard to breath properly as you feel like you're drowning in your words. You cover your mouth with your hand, a scream wanting so bad to leave your sore throat.

"So if you want to treat me like shit...If you want to get it all out on me, do it. I will let you, if that makes you feel better. If hurting me makes you feel better...I will let you, Jay. But-...But that won't bring John B and Sarah back. Nothing will bring them back, baby..."

Your voice just crack while speaking and you gulp down, biting your tongue so hard that you can feel the taste of blood in your mouth. JJ slowly turns around to look at you and your heart takes another punch as the sigh of him crying, sobbing uncontrollably with a painful smile on his lips.

"You think I don't know that, [Y/N]? Fuck...I know it, but-...But it hurts so bad. I can't help it."

"Baby..." You slowly whimper and you spreads your arms around his shacking body. His head quickly finds comfort in your neck, his tears wetting your skin as yours are wetting his hair. You let your face in his hair as you slowly fall down at the floor with his arms tight around your waist.

"I-I just can't really believe it...I'm still waiting for him to come back. But I know he won't-...They will never come back."

Fighting with JJ was horrible, but him crying like this and falling apart in your arms is something else. This is your nightmare coming out alive, destroying you bad and permanently. You didn't say anything else, you can't find words that are enough in this situation, so you stand there on the floor, his body all over yours as you run your fingers through his now damp hair, over his back, arms and face, wipping the tears away. He keep muttering things, pouring his whole heart out, but you feel like he is more talking to himself and not really to you.

"I just wanna do the right thing, [Y/N]..."

"I know. I will help you with that."

He raises his head from your chest, his beautiful eyes are now very red and puffy. You softly kiss them and the dark circles around them.

"Why are you still here? I was-...I was an asshole to you. I wanted you to leave me, so I can destroy myself without-....Without pulling you with me."

All this time you thought he didn't noticed things around him, but he did way too much. He was hurt when he saw Kie hanging with Kooks again, he was hurt to see Pope changing for bad, but he was totally broken to see you not giving a fuck about you, instead giving your entire everything for him. He thought you will leave sooner or later; he actually hoped you will. But you didn't. You stood there, losing weight and hair because of all the stress and sadness, spending nights crying and worrying for him when he was totally shitfaced and the next day you still managed to smile at him. You still had in you the power to smile.

"I won't give up on you, JJ. Never and I mean it." You are so sure of your words as you speak, locking your eyes with him while cupping his face, slowly tracing lines on his cheek. That calms him down a bit and he surprises you when he brings your hands to his lips, slowly kissing your wrists. Another tear left his eye because of how skinny you are, knowing that he is the reason. You always brought food, but he never saw you ate any.

"You're too good. You-...You know that, right? I don't deserve you. I'm so fucking sorry...For doing you like this."

"I don't care what you think. You will-....You have to get out of this black hole. I'm getting you out, baby."

Both of you are still crying, but you managed to calm down. JJ has helped you and you helped him. You two finally had ears to actually listen to each other and that bring a smile on your red damp faces.

"I love you with all I have in me." He speaks with his face hiding in your chest and you smile, kissing the top of his head and his forehead. You keep on placing kisses all over him as a reminder that you are there, still loving him.

"I know, trust me I know. I lo-..."

"You don't have to say it back. You proved it way more than I did." You bite on your lip and you pull his head up to make eye contact with him. He looks so sad and hurt. You wanted so bad to wrap him in your arms and keep him there forever, protecting him from the world and all the pain.

"But I want to say it back." You smile and you gently press a kiss on his lips, butterflies dancing around in your stomach. "I love you, JJ! I love you!"

"Say it again." He whimpers and you smile again, pressing another sweet kiss to his lips. You miss this so much.

"I love you!" This time he's the one kissing you, really soft at the started of it and then he pours his whole heart on your lips, right on that kiss that is meant to take your breath away.

You stood there in silence for another long moments, until you couldn't feel your legs and hands anymore, but you didn't wanted to bother him so you didn't moved at all. When you two finally find the strength to get up and face the world, JJ looks like he's thinking at something.

"I have an idea..."

You managed to sleep for three full hours and it was something beside the other days. You still have a painful migraine and JJ needs focus to keep himself straight on his legs, but when the sun wasn't even out yet, you two and Pope arrived at the docks.

"Kie answered?" J asks and you slowly wrap your arm around his waist and Pope shakes his head, a sad look on his sleepy face.

"I don't think she will." Pope says and you and JJ remain quiet, still hoping.

The three of you sit down on the old wood and nobody said anything. There is nothing to say as you are waiting for the sunrise. The cold wind feels right on your skin, still hot from all the crying before sleeping and the only sounds around are from the insects or birds. The blunt is now at Pope and you take it from his fingers, smoking a little before passing it to your boyfriend. Your anxiety is not as bad as before, but you still can't keep yourself calm.

Soon enough, the sun slowly starts coming out from the ocean, the sky colors quickly changing to a beautiful red and orange combination that you always loved. You look at JJ and Pope, your boy taking out the little braided basket in which you placed a picture of your friends, John B and Sarah. You remember that day; you were with the boat on a throuple date and they are smilling at each other, their eyes locked as they didn't know you were taking pictures.

"They were so in love..." A soft voice speaks from behind you and you all turn around, seeing Kie standing there with tears falling on her pink cheeks.

You bite your lip to keep your tears locked, but looking at the boys they are already crying, so you start crying too. Kie almost run into your arms, wrapping her arms around all of you and hugging you tight.

"I knew-...I knew you will be here." You talk while sobbing and JJ kiss your temple, his tears falling on your face.

"I'm sorry...I-I'm really sorry. I didn't know what to do...But I shouldn't-..."

Pope stops her by kissing her cheek and pulling her in for a hug, Kie hiding her wet face at his chest as JJ looks at all of you, his glare stopping on you as you smile at him and slowly nod your head, encouraging him to do it.

You see his Adam's apple gulping up and down as he slowly places the braided basket above the water, still holding it with his fingers so it wasn't taking away yet. You tap his shoulder to make sure he knows that you are here.

"I will never forget you." JJ speaks to the picture, your head falling on his shoulder as hot tears falls on your cheeks. "And I think I will always wait for you to come back. Maybe you will, but probably you won't. But it's okay...You did it in Pogue's style." His whole body his shacking away, crying and speaking with sobs, muttering curses under his breath because he can't hold it in. "I love you, brother. And sister."

He shows you that he needs you and your touch by how he lets his head on your chest, just like he did the night before and you start speaking, your fingers in his hair and you eyes locked with the picture.

"John B, you were the brother I never had. Fuck, you even were my father if I needed too. Remember when you and JJ took me to prom because you think that no one was good enough for me? You were probably right because-....Because you two are the best matches for me. My best friends. My-...My shoulders to cry on. And Sarah...You were the best Kook ever, sorry Kie." You all laugh a little through your tears. "It was impossible to not love you when you were so-...So supportive and loving. Fuck....I will miss you so bad, guys. Chateau...And we, we will never be the same without you, but we will keep you in our hearts forever. I love you, guys."

It's too much for your weak hearts to handle it, but somehow you managed to go through the little speeches you all gave to them. Sadly, to a photo of them.

You all get up as JJ lights up the photo and let the basket float above the water, the waves quickly taking him away from the dock. Pope pulls you to his side, JJ and Kiara doing the same as the four of you share a big group hug while watching the basket. It's now covered in flames, but still floats away on the ocean.

JJ looks up at the sky and he whispers.

"Come on, man. I know you are somewhere out here...Just come back."

"What?" You whisper back to him, not sure if he really said something or not.

"I didn't say anything." JJ smiles at you and pulls you to his chest. He wraps his arms around you and places his lips on your forehead, keeping them there a little longer. "You are my Angel, [Y/N]. Thank you."

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