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#i spent some days off of tumblr and my post has 27 notes i feel like the most famous woman ever

mistergandalf · 1 year

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ULTIMATE TOLKIEN BLORBO MASTERPOST

Who is THE blorbo of the Tolkien fandom here on tumblr dot com? Let's find out!

What are the criteria for voting?

What is a blorbo to you? As Aragorn would say: What does your heart tell you? Therein lies your answer. For me, it's who I'd like the whump the most. Maybe for you it's who is the most shippable. Maybe it's the one that means the most to you for what they represent. Maybe it's your poor little meow meow (looking at you, Angbang lovers). Let your feelings guide you.

Is this only supposed to be about the books, or is it based on any Tolkien-based media?

This is about blorbos. Wherever you found your blorbo, that's fine. If you want to be a book purist about it, you're valid. If you love Thorin Oakenshield simply because Richard Armitage is hot, you are also valid.

***PLEASE ALSO NOTE that my blog is a Rings of Power positive blog! If you don’t like it that’s fine, but if you post negative comments or reblogs on my posts, I will block you! I don’t want negativity in my activity feed, thank you!***

When will polls be posted?

Polls will be posted daily at 12pm EDT (GMT -4), staggered by 5-10 minutes on each poll. There will be a day between final votes as the data will be needed for the next poll!

Schedule is as follows: (Updated because I’m dumb and didn’t realize how many rounds the second chance bracket has)

4/23 - Round One 4/25 - Round Two (Primary Bracket) 4/26 - Round Two (Second Chance Bracket) 4/27 - Round Three (Primary Bracket) 4/28 - Round Three (Second Chance Bracket) 4/30 - Round Four (Second Chance Bracket) 5/2 - Round Five (Second Chance Bracket) 5/4 - Round Six (Second Chance Bracket) 5/5 - Round Four (Primary Bracket) 5/7 - Round Seven (Second Chance Bracket) 5/9 - Round Eight (Second Chance Bracket) 5/10 - Round Five (Primary Bracket) - decides the finalist 5/12 - Round Nine (Second Chance Bracket) - decides the finalist 5/14 - FINAL ROUND - THE ULTIMATE TOLKIEN BLORBO

Check the tag #ultimate tolkien blorbo to see new posts! Feel free to share your thoughts in the tag as well!

I have more questions!

Okay, click the readmore then!

Hey! Why did you pair this character with that character?

Because I spent a whole evening googling how tournament brackets work (I am not a sports person) and then I did a lot of math and sorting.

Okay, but I really want to know!

WELL first I thought: "How can I quantify and rank blorbos?" The answer: AO3. I went into the Tolkien fandom general tag and ranked the first 32 characters by the number of fanfics in which they appear.*

Then I split them by story. I roughly kept Hobbit characters with Hobbit characters, LotR with LotR, and Silmarillion with Silmarillion to keep it as fair as possible and give all corners of the fandom a chance to see their blorbo win. Some characters are in multiple sources, like Elrond or Gandalf, so I tried to keep those characters with someone who is probably just as well-known.**

Then I followed the rules the internet told me about how tournaments work. The highest-ranked character goes with the lowest-ranked character, the second-highest with the second-lowest, etc.

And that's how I did it! It was a fantastic way to waste an afternoon.

*I may have eliminated and/or played with a couple options. Some of these characters had fewer fics than the character "OC," which makes sense. I took off Erestor because literally only Glorfindel stans would choose him, and Glorfindel is on here. I also lumped together Elladan and Elrohir because if you can tell them apart, it's because they're both your blorbos. Tolkien did NOT give them distinct personalities. Also if I didn’t lump them together, I wouldn’t be able to fit Celebrimbor, and that would be a shame.

**Characters who appear in multiple stories had their rankings weighted to account for that fact. I got a C in statistics in college, though, so I frankly have no idea if the way I weighted them is correct, nor do I care, because I'm satisfied with how the rankings turned out.

I don’t like how you did this!

Okay, don’t vote then. Nobody’s making you.

FORTH EORLINGAS! Have fun voting! As Gimli would say... May the best Dwarf win! ;)

Round One [results & analysis]

Round Two [results & analysis]

Round Two (Second Chance Bracket) [results & analysis]

Round Three [results & analysis]

Bilbo vs. Legolas | Éowyn vs. Frodo | Samwise vs. Elrond | Faramir vs. Fëanor

Round Three (Second Chance Bracket) [results & analysis]

Round Four (Second Chance Bracket) [results & analysis]

Aragorn vs. Gimli | Merry vs. Finrod | Boromir vs. Celebrimbor | Pippin vs. Arwen

Round Five (Second Chance Bracket) [results & analysis]

Aragorn vs. Bilbo | Éowyn vs. Merry | Boromir vs. Elrond | Pippin vs. Fëanor

Round Six (Second Chance Bracket) [results & analysis]

Aragorn vs. Éowyn | Boromir vs. Pippin

Round Four [results & analysis]

Legolas vs. Frodo | Samwise vs. Faramir

Round Seven (Second Chance Bracket) [results & analysis]

Éowyn vs. Faramir | Pippin vs. Legolas

Round Eight (Second Chance Bracket) [results & analysis]

Éowyn vs. Pippin

Round Five [results & analysis]

Frodo vs. Samwise

Round Nine (Second Chance Bracket) [results & analysis]

Éowyn vs. Frodo

FINAL ROUND

Samwise vs. Frodo

#tolkien #the hobbit #lord of the rings #lotr #the silmarillion #silmarillion #ultimate tolkien blorbo

364 notes · View notes

the-orange-in-red-silk · 2 years

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I posted 12,930 times in 2022

That's 12,930 more posts than 2021!

19 posts created (0%)

12,911 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@snake-snack-stede

@ourflagmeanslgbtqia

@blakbonnet

@sherlockig

@ofmd-alsaurus

I tagged 12,923 of my posts in 2022

#our flag means death - 11,318 posts

#ofmd - 11,317 posts

#blackbonnet - 6,135 posts

#art - 3,538 posts

#edward teach - 1,707 posts

#stede bonnet - 1,611 posts

#rhys darby - 1,293 posts

#taika waititi - 1,038 posts

#analysis - 681 posts

#ideas - 506 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#ed wants to spare himself the heartbreak but once he knows stede likes him back he's ready to wait and be with stede forever as co-captains

My Top Posts in 2022:

Taika “I have my priorities straight” Waititi

116 notes - Posted June 20, 2022

See the full post

371 notes - Posted May 28, 2022

watching 1x10 just drives me insane

it just breaks my heart how much ed loves stede, how much he STILL loves him and how strongly he's longing for him

he spent like one day and one night alone in that cabin they were once sharing, tried to sleep on the couch, tried to sleep in stede's bed, he went through stede's clothes and cuddled with some of them, he is WEARING stede's clothes, he’s built a blanket fort out of stede's blankets and pillows, he built it inside the library which is stede’s pride and joy, and is eating stede's marmelade

like he is wrapping himself up in stede without having stede there. he wants to be as close to stede as fucking possible i just cant he loves him so so so fucking much

530 notes - Posted July 19, 2022

ourflaghbomax: We love a sensual sword fight ⚔️🖤🏴‍☠️ #ourflagmeansdeath

804 notes - Posted April 27, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I’m gonna borrow this lovely gif by @stedebonny (you’ll find the complete gifset here) to scream over how well ed picks up on a tiny social cue some viewers haven’t even noticed

I love this so so much and can’t shut up about it!

people often say ed didn’t have the courage to kiss stede when in reality he decided to back off for stede’s sake

the gif is a bit slower than the original show so here you can clearly see how ed immediately reacts to stede:

they're standing there in the bright moonlight, staring into each other's eyes. ed is gathering all his courage, straightening his back, and then takes a step towards stede, clearly intending to kiss that wonderful man who had just given him the most beautiful compliment ed’s ever received, completing this incredibly romantic moment

how does stede react though? he has absolutely NO idea what’s going on and you can clearly see it on his profile: eyebrows raised, mouth open. stede’s clearly confused. he doesn’t realize what situation he is in. after all, no one’s ever shown interest in him like this before

and ed immediately ‘aborts mission‘ the moment he understands that they’re not on the same page, not in the same mood. stede doesn’t step towards ed, doesn’t lean in, nothing. he’s not there yet. so ed breaks the tension with his little “okay” but still fulfills his own desire to touch stede with a friendly pat on the shoulder - physical touch being his love language as we all know

this scene is basically ed’s italic ‘oh’ moment but while he’s falling hard enough to get a concussion, stede’s falling slowly and softly like a feather, not even realising that what he’s feeling is romantic love for his ‘new best friend Ed‘

just ed being mindful of stede’s feelings in this scene is so fucking beautiful

1,502 notes - Posted May 14, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#personal #tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

4 notes · View notes

trutimeline · 4 years

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idislikecispeople, The Most Infamous Dyscourse Blogger: Part 1.0, Rumors

idislikecispeople, also known as many names throughout her time on Tumblr (such as Adele, Kat, Mami, Samantha and Sayaka), was a former Tumblr blogger who became infamous for coining the term "tucute", among many other controversial things she has posted on her blogs. This was supposed to be one, very long masterpost about her, but Tumblr's post editor is a bitch and won't let me do that.

In this post, I'll be debunking or confirming rumors commonly spread about idislikecispeople. The rest of my posts about her will each be dedicated to a specific controversial belief she held or situations she got into. For simplicity's sake, I'll be referring to idislikecispeople as Kat for the rest of this post and future ones.

Rumors

Kat Coined the Terms "Truscum" and "Tucute"

Verdict: Partially True

Kat coined the term tucute, but she did not coin the terms truscum or transmedicalist.

Here's a screenshot of Kat's original definition of a tucute:

Transcript:

What is Tucute?

What does tucute mean?

Tucute is basically just the opposite of truscum, it’s a term and community for trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis individuals created to separate anti-truscum from truscum and to serve as a safe place from truscum and from cis people, where they believe that being trans requires dysphoria, we do not,where they think that being trans is a medical condition, we do not,and where they deny numerous gender identities on the basis that it “discredits the trans community” we do not.

What are the prerequisites to be a part of the tucute community?

You have to be trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis in general

You have to accept all pronouns and gender identities

You haveto believe that dysphoria is not necessary to be trans

You have to dislike truscum

You cannot side with truscum or believe in their ideology

You cannot misgender anyone no matter how mad they make you

You cannot be an ableist whatsoever

Did you invent the tucute community? Why?

I indeed did coin the tucute term and community and anyone who says otherwise are creeps who are trying to steal it from me and redefine it for their own nefarious doings. I started this community so anti-truscum could separate themselves from truscum and cis people who are a part of the truscum community, it serves as a safe space from both truscum and cis people.

I’m cis, can I be tucute if I believe in your movement and want to help?

No, you can’t be tucute if you’re cis, you can only be a tucute ally, and you need to be sure to never speak for or over a trans person.

I see a lot of tucuties being just as harmful as truscum, what will you do about it?

There isn’t much I can do to them other than ask them to stop aligning with the tucute community, and of course, that doesn’t mean they will. Also be noted that truscum and cis people will pretend to be tucute just to tarnish the name of the tucute community, so tread lightly, you might be talking to a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Spread the word, use the tag #tucute and join the army today!

[A digital drawing of Sayaka Miki from Puella Magi Madoka Magica in her magical girl form, with a banner underneath her reading "Tucute 4 U!"]

(source) (source)

Kat Was a Cisgender Woman Who Lied About Being a Transgender Woman

Verdict: False

This rumor primarily comes from a post on Kat's oldest known Tumblr blog, chromaghost, where she claims that she wasn't MTF and only tagged a selfie as such because she thought that transgender people were "cool".

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: are you a mtf? i seen it tagged on one of your photos.

No lol. I wanted to post it to the tag because transgender people are cool :3

(source) (source) (source)

However, Kat addressed this post and made it clear she very much was a transgender woman multiple times on her later blogs. This claim can also be confirmed with nude photos Kat posted online, which I don't feel comfortable spreading, so you'll just have to trust me on that one. I also don't feel comfortable directly encouraging you to go and dig up those nudes, as most of her nude photos were either taken when she was a minor, spread without her consent and/or were uploaded because people pressured her into posting nudes to "prove" she was a transgender woman.

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: you bound with ace bandage in one of your selfies. i don't know what to think about you anymore. according to some people you're a 27 year old cis woman scamming us, but you say you're a 22 year old trans woman. i want to trust you but i don't know if i can. i'm sorry.

Rest assured I’m not 27 years old lol. What you’re referring to is a less than graceful ~art piece~ we did (”Playing a Boy” or something) on deviantART when we were 16/17 (?) and really ill-informed. I ask you to not take that as how I stand currently – as I have learned so much more since, and I have a penis and I was designated male at birth because of it (feel free to purchase a passcode to our nsfw blog to see for yourself). At the time we were developing breast tissue but still had to appear as a ‘boy.’ Don’t bind with Ace bandages, kids, it can damage your rib cage, something we didn’t know at the time.

(source) (source)

Transcript:

[A picture of two prescriptions, estradiol and spironolactone, both prescribed to Adele Sheffield.]

grandtran still gonna think I photoshopped it or what

(source)

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: In other words, you aren't gonna cough up the pics because you know you can't fake that shit because you're actually cis. Cool. BTW why do you keep changing your story about the blog, and if the blog was run by you when you were in denial about being trans because of self hate, why were the pics tagged mtf and you were constantly saying trans people were cool?

Yeah I’m not gonna do something for y’all and get nothing in return except more doubt from you, you see how one sided that kind of request is? Also its technically considered sexual harassment, just because its on the internet, you’re a coward (whats your username btw?), and you think I’m cis and you want me to prove time and time again to you that I’m dmab doesn’t justify sexually soliciting someone when they’re not comfortable in being solicited – for free no less.

At first I genuinely had no memory of that blog, it was only active for all of 2 months and for some reason I moved onto a new email and new tumblr, and I haven’t the foggiest why. As for the whole “me claiming to not be ~mtf~” I don’t have any memories from that time, I can only assume it was a lot of dysphoria fueled self-hatred and wanting to be seen/pass as a cis girl lesbian.

If you’re really gonna solicit nudes from a trans woman (a second time) as they do sex work to try and stay on their feet without offering anything in return just so your transmisogynistic ass can get off to trying to tell me my dick is fake isn’t classy at all. I perish the thought of what you’re parents would think of this behavior from you. But yeah, feel free to send some money to my paypal so I can get the gender markers on my records changed because that’s gonna cost a lot apparently, and I’ll definitely send you the dick pics you want. :)

(source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

[A picture of a a hospital bracelet on Kat's wrist. The patient's name is Adele Sheffield and her sex is labeled as "M".]

(source)

Kat Lied About Having Diabetes To Get Money From Tumblr Users

Verdict: False

This doesn't need much commentary from me, just view the screenshots below.

Transcript:

To the people who keep harping on me buying a $15 video game for my mental health 7 MONTHS ago “with my donation money,” well, here you go, some proof, links and screenshots provided

So for everyone spreading misinformation about me spending $15 on a video game for my mental health, here’s a full list of reasons why there is no way, shape, or form I spent my paypal money on it:

Yes, I spent $15 of my own money after selling one of my possessions, not denying it:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she shows off a copy of Fall Out: New Vegas, marked with a price of $14.99. The date of the post is marked as July 21, 2014 at 06:28.39 PM.]

Be sure to look at the date, July 21st, 2014 6:28 PM. Now lets look at my first donation post asking for help:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she asks for donations to be able to afford insulin because she has no insurance. The date of the post is marked as July 20, 2014 at 08:14.00 PM.]

Hmm, one day before the purchase of said game, July 20th 2014 at 8:14 PM. Now, I’ve never heard of a video game store — much less a non-chain video game store accepting payment for video games in the form of virtual Amazon gift cards, have you? Oh, but you’re gonna say, “well you bought the game with your paypal donations anyway!” Well, here’s exhibit C:

[Another screenshot of a separate post made by Kat where she is also asking for donations to be able to afford insulin. The date of the post is marked as July 23, 2014 at 12:27.46 PM.]

Again, looking at the date of this posting which is the original donations post, you can see it was posted on July 23rd, 2014 at 12:27 PM, a full 2 days after I had bought the game. Now, if there’s no way for me to use Amazon gift cards for a real life video game store, then how can I go back in time a minimum of 2 full days to give past me $15 to buy said game, hm? This isn’t even accounting for the fact that I didn’t even have my own bank account associated with it until over a week later, and it surely doesn’t account for the fact that it takes up to 5 days to transfer from paypal to your bank account. All the dates are linked to the original unedited posts so you can see for yourself, and for added measure my first deposit was on August 14th, 2014:

[A screenshot of a deposit made by Kat. The date is marked as 08/14/14.]

Oh but yeah, anti-sjs, truscum, and the like took damniwishidthoughtofabettername’s postthey used to gaslight us with misinformation and you all bought it. Tell me how I could misuse donations that I could not use outside of Amazon and money I didn’t even start receiving until a full two days later, let alone the fact that there’s no way I could have transferred said money and used it two days prior as of the date of the paypal donations post.

I hope some of y’all could reblog this and get the word out, I’m sick and tired of people buying into that misinformation that person did solely to gaslight me as a means to try and disrupt my donations drive.

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

[A selfie of Kat holding up a vial of Novolin to the camera.]

Hey anon, I don’t feel comfy giving you my receipts (because doxxing is a thing) but here you go, a selfie with my most recent insulin purchase. 👽

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: Getting desperate for money again I see. How is your fake diabetes lately. I bet your blood sugar is like 800 this time and you're still able to be alive somehow.

You got me, I’m ~totally faking~

[A selfie of Kat. In the background several items used by diabetics are seen such as insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.]

[A picture that gives us a closer look at the background of the previous selfie.]

[A selfie of Kat holding up two vials, one of Lantus and the other of Humalog.]

Gee, must be one dedicated faker, right? To have hundreds of dollars of insulin equipment and insulin itself. Hmmm… Insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.. oh and insulin, hmmmm….

Oh and because you didn’t learn from last time you don’t die instantly when your blood sugar goes over 600 lol, something anyone who studies endocrinology can tell you, and I would know, being a diabetic, having to be hospitalized numerous times for ketoacidosis where the blood sugar has been too high for too long. Things you clearly do not know and you’re just jumping on the disableist bandwagon. I have an idea of who you are anyway, just doing this for future reference.

(source)

#idislikecispeople #dyscourse #transmed #truscum #tucute

30 notes · View notes

ais-n · 3 years

Note

hello!! i just spent the past month or so reading all the icos books, scrolling through your account, and reading the notes you posted about the sequel on patreon. i’m absolutely amazed by this series and these characters, i don’t have words for how good of a time i had delving into this story. i started off loving hsin immediately and although it took me some time to warm up to boyd, he ended up being one of my absolute favorite characters that i’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. i really think boyd and hsin and their story, along with the stories of all the other amazing characters associated with them, will stick with me for a long time. anyway sorry for the long message, but i just wanted to express my gratitude for these books—they helped me out a lot mentally after everything post-2020 haha. i did have a sort of question though!! how did boyd deal with the loss of one of his eyes? did he train with hsin to help adapt? how did he deal with the insecurities and frustrations that came with that loss?

Just in case - **ICOS SPOILERS / FADE SPOILERS** :)

Hi! Aww that's awesome! I'm so happy you enjoyed the series :) And that you were able to find all the content on it right away too. It's also really cool how things shifted for you over the course of the series - because that means it did its job with showing character progression :) I mean, not that it matters if people end up liking all the characters or not - but if you start feeling one way and end another, that's awesome because it means there was character development that resonated with you in anyone and that's one of my favorite things when I'M reading a book, so it's one of my favorite things for if anyone ever reads anything I'm involved in writing. So that made me really happy to hear, thank you <3

I'm gonna put my answer behind a cut just in case for spoilers :) Hopefully this thing doesn't disallow you from clicking the Read More link which once in awhile tumblr does.

Spoilers behind cut :D

Regarding his eye, it was obviously in many ways pretty life-changing for him. Even though Boyd and Hsin by that point were much better about communicating, and Boyd would want to lean on Hsin whenever needed, although I haven't written out anything from those time periods (so it may change when/if I actually do, as sometimes the characters do things I'm not expecting) -- I have a feeling Boyd tried to kind of hide as much of the downside as he could from Hsin. Not because he didn't trust Hsin - he did, unequivocally - but rather because Hsin had seemed so regretful and seemed to have guilt/worry when Boyd first woke up and learned he lost his eye. He didn't want Hsin blaming himself for it, and if Hsin saw it upsetting him too much he would have probably worried about how Hsin felt.

It did take him time to figure out some things - his depth perception was fucked, and he couldn't fight quite the way he initially had learned because of that, along with other things. He would have let Hsin see him relearning things when necessary because that's inevitable, but he would have tried to play off anything much deeper if possible. He would have wanted to see if he could handle things on his own first (in typical Boyd style) just so he could spare Hsin extra stress. He felt like Hsin had already lost so much; it didn't feel fair to pile anything further on him.

So Hsin would have helped with some stuff when needed, and obviously I'm sure they talked about things as needed too. It's not like the topic was taboo or Boyd was super sensitive to it. As much as it sucked, it was also just a thing he had to accept. So in some ways, he kind of just rolled with it the way he'd had to learn to roll with so much else in his life.

Where it really was most frustrating and upsetting for him was the way it affected his ability to work. Even though he felt and was fully capable of many things, certain jobs just would not hire someone with one eye, period. Their rules didn't allow it, or they just chose not to, or so on. Because they had to stay on the downlow, he already had limited options in the first place, and that made it worse. Then on top of that, having an eyepatch made him more memorable. Once he eventually got his glass eye, it helped a bit with that, but he'd always had an unusual eye color so without contacts and different hair color and all that, if someone were looking for him they could still potentially track him down. Hsin was also incredibly memorable so it was a worry for him as well. Especially when you put those two together.

I don't think we ever talked about it but in my personal opinion, I would guess that they probably talked about their plans for the different cities/countries they were in, whether one or both of them would stand out more, what sorts of income they could get, what sorts of things they could do, what sort of places they could live incognito, and so on.

I have always had in my mind that there was a period of time especially early on when Boyd was still healing and getting used to things, where he (as usual) tried to push himself a little too far a little too fast but Hsin stopped him because he knew how Boyd is and he knew if he was firm, Boyd would actually listen.

So for a time, Hsin was the main person going out to do things, get money, etc. There were hours Boyd would be alone wherever they were staying, and during that time all those doubts and frustrations and anger and insecurity and fear would come in. For awhile, I think he probably even drank when he was alone. Never to an addictive level or anything; just the actions of a man who felt depressed.

I'm sure some of his demons leapt on that--telling him shit like he wasn't ever going to have more worth than he did when he was used by Cyclone, or the Agency - shit like, maybe you're never going to be anything more than a valentine/whore for money in the future anyway. If people won't see you as anything other than the parts of you, and now the parts of you that are missing more than the parts that are there, maybe it's useless to think there's anything more of value in your life. That sort of negative thought process that you know isn't true but still buries its tendrils deep inside and twists.

The thing is, Boyd never really had much to call his own his whole life that people didn't attribute to others around him - one of the only things he had was his art. And losing an eye didn't make it impossible to do art, but in that beginning stage, it just felt extra awful to have lost something so integral to the one thing he had that was his alone, that hadn't been used and abused and destroyed by other powers in his life - it felt like maybe that just went to show he didn't have value other than what others assigned to him. Which is how the valentine stuff probably came to mind - through a bit of depression and also practicality, because he knew he could make money doing that if they needed it, even though it was the absolute last thing in his life he would ever want to do. But then the guilt would come in about not being able to do enough on his own, not pulling his weight, etc etc, and then the fear associated with all of these topics, and that's how the depression would have slid in and spiraled him down.

I always imagined that Hsin recognized how depressed Boyd was, even though Boyd tried to hide it, and eventually they would have had some sort of conversation about it all.

In my mind, somehow through that and any following conversations or actions or etc, Hsin was able to remind Boyd of all the things he could do still, rather than focusing on the things he couldn't. He would have reminded him that it was bullshit to think he had no value, and as for getting denied different jobs, it didn't matter - they were in this together, they'd figure it out together. He would have been able to remind Boyd to stop taking all the shit on himself and share the burden. And that Hsin didn't give a shit about any of that stuff - Hsin saw Boyd for who he was, and he loved him for that, and nothing would ever change that. Boyd would have probably told Hsin at that point he was afraid of Hsin blaming himself when it never had been his blame to begin with, and he never wanted to hurt Hsin, and etc. I imagine he told him that, but am not sure.

Either way, it would have reignited Boyd's stubborn streak and determination, and he would have been reminded of how much they could do together as a team. And how much they loved each other. And fuck the world, who cared what other people thought? He could do whatever the hell he wanted. He'd figure it out. He always had.

From then, he would have started working on things again - figuring out ways to fight that relied more on touch so his blind spot and depth perception were less of an issue (Hsin would have helped a lot with this), and he would have started painting and drawing again. It went from his offtime from Hsin being something dark and depressing to something largely productive. Obviously everyone still has bad days, but at least he was generally on the up. And they did eventually figure out jobs he could work too, or things he could do, so he wasn't just spending all his time alone when Hsin wasn't around. And so Hsin didn't have to have any pressure on him to do things alone.

I don't remember if I ever answered this question before and if I did, it's possible my answer was a little different. I often think about parts we didn't write down and I feel like I have an idea of how it would go, but until I actually write something down I never know for sure. We never planned for Afterimage, for example - but when we went to write past Evenfall, it became clear that was a thing that was going to happen, and so it did, and then things from that affected other things into Interludes, Fade, 1/27, etc.

So it's possible if ever any of these time periods are written down that maybe my view of what I think would happen ends up being completely incorrect or off. But right now, generally speaking, I imagine it went something like this.

Sorry for the long rambly reply!

#ask ais #icosbooks #icos spoilers #fade spoilers #in the company of shadows #icos

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holidaysat221b · 5 years

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Sherlolly prompts that have been filled as of 2/27/20

A quick reminder - even though these prompts have been filled, please feel free to fill them again. The more the merrier!

Authors and artists have filled thirty-seven different prompts with forty-five different fics/art, all of which are listed below.

1 ) Art prompt: (I’ve wanted this like burning for five years, I’ll never give up asking) Sherlock and Molly, the cake scene from Sixteen Candles". Only in the morgue and Molly’s wearing the lab coat. - @sunken-standard (Prompt fill - Sherlolly // Sixteen Candles by @simplyshelbs16xoxo) (Prompt fill – Sixteen Scandals by artbylexie, commissioned and submitted by @mizjoely) (Prompt Fill – Birthday Party in the Morgue by @dragonnan)

2) “We had chips. She liked me.” – Sherlock in TLD. What could have been had he and Molly gotten chips in TEH: A kick to Tom’s butt. Happy greeting (a hug at least!) at the end of TEH. Quite a lot of sex with Sherlock instead of Tom. Molly the best man’s date. A (sophisticated. Or not) Molly/Janine cat fight for Janine hitting on SH moments. Dancing, so much Sherlolly dancing (and no leaving early). Probably no Shezza (Shezzer?)—which, hmm, is a shame (But maybe they’ve their own not-being-on-a-sex-holiday-but-sexing-a-lot time). A real proposal to Molly. Molly at family Christmas, maybe even a Christmas wedding. Solving CAM without the threat of exile sharpens Sherlock’s deductive abilities. No Norbury as Molly’s already expecting their first offspring, so Sherlock doesn’t taunt needlessly. Mary as the Sherlolly baby godmother as she’s alive! Culverton Smith is taken down by the duo of Mary and Molly while the latter gives birth there (because the ladies are awesome, plus Mrs H tackles him down). John is so impressed he doesn’t look at any other women. Molly’s big heart brings Eurus from her metaphoric plane the moment she steps into 221B, plus baby Holmes wins her heart too. The Holmes family reconciliation and Eurus is in therapy instead of being a multi-killer. Baker Street Boys Team continues while Baker Street Girls Team gives them a run for their money. Mycroft asks Lady Smallwood out himself to her astonishment and internal squealing. Mummy Holmes gets more grandkids than she could’ve imagined. And basically, everyone walks happily into the sunset. The End. Please note, some things can obviously be modified. - @mychakk (Prompt fill - Turn Right by @sunken-standard)

3) AU: Molly runs away from home when her parents try to arrange a marriage for her. She wants to pursue a life that involves science and marry for love if she ever gets married at all. She meets Sherlock, who is being pressured by his family to marry a nice girl they found for him who loves science as much as he does. It will be interesting when they figure it out. - @shadowyqueenbeard (Prompt fill - Uncertain Terms by @geekmama)

4) Uni!lock Sally wakes Molly at 2 am because her junkie boyfriend of dorm 221b is streaking across campus calling her name, so she better stop denying that she’s his girlfriend. - @escaily (Prompt fill – Like Night and Day by afteriwake)

5) To cover her butt during New Year’s Eurus lies and tells mummy that Sherlock has a wife, and Mycroft borrows her ‘Sherlock’s wife’ excuse whenever he wants to avoid sticky topics during holidays. The lie gets bigger the more Sherlock avoids family meetings. Until December when Sherlock finds out he’s married to a forensic (E), sex addicted(E), petite (E), intelligent (M), very forgiving (M) paragon of virtue (M). Now he needs to find a stranger that fits the description before Christmas. - @escaily (Prompt fill – Wait, What Just Happened? by @mizjoely)

6) Rock Royalty AU. That AU in which Mary drags Molly into an edgy rock concert of her favorite band “Baker Street Boys” even though everybody and their mother knows that indie acoustics and hippie music is Molly’s thing. Enter Sherlock Holmes lead band member, (the type of Rock Star that sings ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ while high as a kite) famous for his electric violin solos, addict past and cold attitude. He tries deducing the girl less likely to throw herself at him out of all the fans and finding that one concert goer who doesn’t get turned on by his music. Turns out that Molly the ‘I-said-I’m-not-a-groupie’ pathologist in training is actually an interesting girl when she’s not covering her ears, even if Sherlock needs to educate her on the finger points of violin appreciation. Basically a fic where the Rockstar wants to turn this hater into a fan but actually ends up falling for her instead. - @escaily (Prompt fill – Untitled Tumblr post by @welcometothelosingside)

7) Spy AU : “Your agency and my agency are constantly competing and why do you keep taking over my missions?” - @noregretsnoteasnoanxieties (Prompt fill – At The Risk Of Falling (Off Roofs) by @lyssisbored)

8) Your soulmate was an artist of centuries ago, and currently, you’re an art student at university (or not but you’re taking an arts class). Then one day for a field trip, you go to a far-away museum and you just find yourself staring at what was your reflection, wearing different clothes to fit the timeline but it was definitely a split-image of you, on one of the framed displays. (A fanart answer for this prompt would also be awesome!) - @noregretsnotearsnoanxieties (Prompt fill - A Soul Captured on Canvas by @mizjoely)

9) Person A owns a flower shop and person B comes storming in one day, slaps 20 bucks on the counter and says “How do I passive-aggressively say fuck you in flower?” - “so you’d need a bouquet of geraniums (stupidity), foxglove (insincerity), meadowsweet (uselessness), yellow carnations (you have disappointed me), and orange lilies (hatred). it would be quite striking! and full of loathing.” - @noregretsnotearsnoanxieties (Prompt fill - Say It With Flowers by @mizjoely)

10) Doctor Who!Sherlock - Molly Hooper as a companion - The Silent Fangirl (Prompt fill - Doctorin’ the TARDIS by @darnedchild)

11) A Sherlolly version of “It’s A Wonderful Life”. Sherlock gets to see what his loved ones’ lives would be like if he never existed, realizing the positive impact he had on them when he was alive. - @simplyshelbs16xoxo (Prompt fill - Strange, Isn’t It? by SimplyShelbs16)

12) Something similar to “The Ransom of Red Chief”, only in this version the kidnappers have figured out that Molly Hooper is a pressure point for Sherlock Holmes. They take her captive, intending to blackmail Sherlock or hold Molly for ransom; but Molly Hooper is having none of that nonsense. While Sherlock works to save her, Molly finds ways to torment, injure, and outwit her captors. Whether she escapes on her own, finds a way to let Sherlock and John know where she’s at, or ends up driving her kidnappers crazy to the point that they give up and send her back is up to the author. Could go humorous or dark very easily. – Anonymous (Prompt fill – Self-Rescuing Princess by @darnedchild and The Return of the Self-Rescuing Princess by @darnedchild)

13) Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None” – because I always think of the movies when I see Mizjoely’s U.N. Owen tag. - @darnedchild (Prompt fill – And Then There Were Two by @mizjoely)

14) Song Fic: Adele’s “Water Under the Bridge” - @darnedchild (Prompt fill - Water Under The Bridge by SimplyShelbs16)

15) Song Fic: Texas’ “I’ll See It Through” - @darnedchild (Prompt fill - And I’ll See It Through by @darnedchild)

16) Song Fic: … I’ve got a quote from a song. “You only know you love her when you let her go.” (Note from Mod - The song appears to be Passenger’s “Let Her Go”) - @flowerstar5 (Prompt fill - Turn Right by @sunken-standard)

17) Molly’s school reunion – Sherlock assumes he’ll be needed to help Molly show everyone up. The catch: Molly’s been a beloved peer, so it’s him who gets the obligatory “you hurt her, we’ll end you”. :) - @mychakk (Prompt fill - The Time “We’ll End You” Started Things by @mizjoely) (Prompt fill - The Detective, the Pathologist, and the Prompt - Chapter 32: We’re Watching You by @writingwife-83)

18) Sherlock sees a woman on the street. Instantly intrigued (you can choose as to why) he follows her. - @mel-loves-all (Prompt fill - Following Her by @mizjoely)

19) Molly loves wearing Sherlock’s house robes. - @mel-loves-all (Prompt fill - A Seminal Moment by @geekmama) (Prompt fill – Dis Robe by @mizjoely)

20) Molly has a piece of body piercing jewelry or a tattoo located somewhere that surprises and titillates Sherlock. - @mel-loves-all (Prompt fill - Stainless, Captive Bead, 11mm, 14 Gauge. by @sunken-standard) (Prompt fill – Took You Long Enough! by @mizjoely)

21) Angst. Molly discovers she is pregnant and is not happy about it. Although she would love to have a baby at some point, right now is not the time. She and Sherlock do not have a commitment and her career is going well. She plans to terminate the pregnancy. Sherlock finds out and tries to stop her. He please with her to change her mind, marry him and be a family. Is this just a control tactic or does he really love her? - @shadowyqueenbeard (Prompt fill - Turn Right by @sunken-standard)

22) Molly discovers there is Sherlock Holmes RPF (Real Person Fiction) on the internet. She’s shocked to find that someone called Sherlolly4vr74 has been writing fic about her and Sherlock, and they seem to have a dedicated fan base. Some of the stories are very sweet and romantic, some of them are hot enough to give her NSFW ideas. Who is Sherlolly4vr74 (Is it Anderson? Mrs Hudson? Mary? John? I bet it’s John.) and is Sherlock aware of the stories? - @darnedchild (Prompt fill - This Love…is sweeter than fiction by escailyy)

23) Eurus has been known to put on a persona and disguise to get close to people for information – she was Faith for Sherlock, E and the psychiatrist for John. What if she had also spent some time around Molly prior to the events at Sherrinford? What information would she have gleaned about her brother and his pathologist? - @darnedchild (Prompt Fill – Untitled Tumblr post by @mollyhooopers)

24) Sherlock and Molly are getting married! It’s time to work on the guest list for the wedding, and suddenly they are faced with the question—Do they let Euros come, or not? - @celticmoonbeam (Prompt fill - Untitled Tumblr post by @theresadunn)

25) Shipwrecked Sherlolly—Sherlock saves Molly from drowning. - Anonymous (Prompt fill - Untitled Tumblr post (TBC?) by @mizjoely)

26) Euros leads Sherlock to believe that he failed, and Molly was killed after the ILY scene. Much angst ensues as he blames himself for her loss … but then we get to see the happy reunion scene when he learns she’s alive. - Anonymous (Prompt fill – Part 1 by @welcometothelosingside and Part 2 by @welcometothelosingside)

27) Mary as matchmaker. At John and Mary’s wedding, Mary feels a little sad when they leave him alone to go dance (“What about you?”). She decides to make it her mission to help Sherlock find a girl so he’s not alone anymore. And this former agent has no trouble figuring out the potential between Sherlock and a certain Molly Hooper … (Up to you whether or not you want to throw in a Janine segue before she decides to set him up with Molly. And feel free to cover Sherlock being shot!) - @celticmoonbeam (Prompt fill – The One Where Mary Gets Involved by @keeptheotherone)

28) Molly discovers she’s pregnant with Sherlock’s child at the worst possible time: while she’s with his parents, being hidden away, and the two are pretending to be just friends. Bonus if they figure it out before they’re told! - @ noregretsnotearsnoanxieties (Prompt fill - Untitled Tumblr post by @welcometothelosingside) (Prompt fill - The Right Way, the Wrong Way and the Holmes Way by @mizjoely) (Prompt fill – Hide and Seek by @rainbow—letters)

29) After the events of TFP, Molly and Sherlock get closer. Suddenly, though, he pulls away and starts flirting with a coworker of hers, sometimes blatantly in front of her. It isn’t until an event at Barts that the truth comes out that it was all for a case. - @noregretsnotearsnoanxieties (Prompt fill – Tell Her About It by Mizjoely)

30) Sherlock moves in with Molly and begins perusing her book collection, picking up random books that have interesting looking covers, and the next thing Molly knows he’s turned into a fantasy buff. - @ noregretsnotearsnoanxieties (Prompt fill - Stories & Stories by SimplyShelbs16)

31) Molly, unbeknownst to Sherlock, suffers from psoriasis since her teen years. This is why she’s been adamant about being more physically intimate with him, no matter how much she wants to. Fortunately for her, Sherlock doesn’t care about it at all. Could be a hard T or M rating. Loosely inspired by Loo’s own bout with the disease. - @violetjersey (Prompt fill - #Balm by @hobbitsdoitbetter)

32) I have read this in one or two fics, but not really developed as a main theme of the story … so: What if Rosie wants to pair John and Molly? How will Sherlock react and … how will he convince Rosie that Molly is for him and not for John. I’m imagining some angst in the middle because the silly man thinks this is a wonderful idea: Rosie gets a mummy and Molly gets a family. In fact, Sherlock sets up a date between Molly and John while he’s babysitting Rosie. - @kalkopyryt (Prompt fill – Untitled Tumblr post by @theemptyquarto) (Prompt fill - Destiny and the Detective by @theemptyquarto)

33) Some strange guy is bothering Molly, so she tells him that Sherlock is her fiance in order to make him stop. To her surprise, Sherlock goes along with it. Maybe he goes even further by announcing it to family and friends. Now what does Molly do? - @shadowyqueenbeard (Prompt fill – Boyfriend Material by @darnedchild)

34) Post Tom/Molly break-up (pre- or post-HLV), Molly says to Sherlock “Just when I got used to feeling wanted, he took that feeling back. Like it wasn’t mine to have. Like he gave it to me by accident.“ - @noregretsnotearsnoanxieties (Prompt fill – I’m Put to Mind of All That I Wanna Be by @ukthxbye)

35) The best feeling in the world is kissing someone for the first time when you’ve really wanted to kiss them for a long time. (No credit given) - @noregretsnotearsnoanxieties (Prompt fill – The Best Feeling In The World by @mizjoely)

36) Fluff, maybe smut : Molly gets a pedicure. Sherlock discovers he has a bit of a foot fetish. - @shadowyqueenbeard (Prompt fill – A Shoe In by @lilsherlockian1975)

37) “What do you mean it’s a tracking device?!” - @shadowyqueenbeard (Prompt fill - Keeping Track by @mizjoely)

#sherlolly filled prompt list

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artistjojo1228 · 5 years

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Rock and Roll Storytime #13: The 27 Club (Part 1: What It Is, Robert Johnson, and Brian Jones)

Considering that I’ve already talked about several specific stories involving the tragic seven, and how we’re all superstitious of the number thirteen, I feel it’s high time I talked about this... Also, I’m dividing this into parts so that I might be able to offer some more insight than I could if I were trying harder to stick into Tumblr’s character limit.

Robert Johnson, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse.

These seven names make up the most prominent members of the 27 Club, or as I like to call it, one of rock and roll’s oldest and most prevalent superstitions. Some people (like hack biographer Charles Cross) have stated that there is more of a statistical spike for musicians dying at twenty-seven, or just believe that musicians are more likely to die at 27.

I think this chart should dispel a lot of those notions...

I’m not superstitious of the club by any means, but what I’d still like to do is talk about what it is, and talk about the lives of the tragic seven in particular. Bear in mind, I might be including some of my own personal opinions and anecdotes on the matter, so please bear with me.

The 27 Club

In its most basic form, the 27 Club is a list of actors, artists, athletes, and most predominately musicians, who all died at the age of twenty-seven, typically as the result of drug overdoses, health problems, or car accidents. There is no official membership though, so I’ve heard of people including as few as three members and as many as eighty-one (okay, that last one was me counting almost everyone who’s ever been mentioned on the Wikipedia page as well as a camera assistant killed in a train accident in Georgia in 2014). For those sites who will list more than just the Tragic Seven, the earliest one is usually considered to be Alexandre Levy, a Brazilian composer who died of unknown causes on January 17, 1892, and the most recent member is generally considered to be someone who died in the last three years, such as Anton Yelchin, Kim Jong-hyun, or Fredo Santana. (Personally, the most recent member I’ll count is Tyler Skaggs, who died of an opioid overdose just twelve days shy of his 28th birthday on July 1, 2019).

The club started up after the sudden deaths of Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison between July 2, 1969, and July 3, 1971. The deaths were highly publicized affairs, and inevitably, people noticed the coincidence that these four had died at the age of twenty-seven, and of course, the notion of a 27 Club started up.

This notion was further popularized when, in 1994, Kurt Cobain was found dead, having died by suicide three days earlier. Reportedly, in an interview, his mother said (in part), “I told him not to join that stupid club.” Whether or not she actually said this is a matter of personal conjecture (especially once you realize that she actually abused her son for years and that he was homeless for a time because of her). In either case, some people think nowadays that she was actually referring to the fact that two of Kurt’s uncles and his maternal great-grandfather had also died by suicide (especially considering that research has since shown that trauma can run through families), but since most of the general public would likely be unaware of that, it was assumed that she was referring to the 27 Club.

The notion was popularized again in 2011, when Amy Winehouse died from alcohol poisoning. It gets creepier once you take into account that in 2008, she expressed fears of joining the club. In retrospect, it all seems cruelly ironic...

Since the notion first became popularized, the 27 Club has shown up in various movies (usually about individual members and all of varying quality), books, TV shows, comics (like the MAD magazine strip featured above), and songs.

And now that I’ve got the rundown, I’d like to go into more detail about the tragic seven...

Robert Johnson:

Admittedly, I might have shot myself in the foot with this one, since I already (recently) covered much of what is known/mythologized of his life (https://artistjojo1228.tumblr.com/post/188292315565/rock-and-roll-storytime-crossroad-blues-the-myth), but I’d like to give at least the basic rundown regardless. Much of what I’m about to relate was mainly dug up by researchers in the 1960′s and through no small amount of effort.

Robert Leroy Johnson was born on what is believed to be May 8, 1911 in Hazlehurst, Mississippi to Julia Major Dodds and Noah Johnson. He was the youngest out of ten or eleven children (sources vary). His mother’s husband, Charles Dodds, was reportedly forced by a lynch mob to leave Hazlehurst, and he moved to Memphis, Tennessee. Likewise, Julia also left, and two years later, she sent her son to live with Charles (who by now had changed his name to Charles Spencer). As a result, for a short time, Robert was known as Robert Spencer.

In 1919, Robert went back to live with his mother, and there is some evidence to suggest that he received some schooling in 1924 and 1927. When he was still a teenager, Robert had taught himself to play harmonica and jaw-harp, but had difficulties figuring out how to play the guitar. Still, like me teaching myself piano, he was, if nothing else, determined to figure out how to play it. After a number of incidents involving him annoying people with his utter lack of skill playing the guitar, he disappeared for a while. Most likely, he spent this time learning guitar from Ike Zimmerman in a cemetery, or from watching other performers on stage. However, the popular legend about his life is that he sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his exceptional talents.

As I’ve said, Robert, during one of his songs, would play rhythm, melody, and bass lines, stamp his foot to the beat, and on top of that, sing. I believe this anecdote from Keith Richards summarizes this best: “When I first heard it, I said to Brian, ‘Who’s that?’ ‘Robert Johnson’. I said, ‘Yeah, but who’s the other guy playing with him?’ Because I was hearing two guitars, and it took me a long time to realize he was actually doing it all by himself.”

In 1929, 18-year-old Robert married 16-year-old Virginia Travis. By this time, he had started going by Robert Johnson again. Sadly though, Virginia died in childbirth a few months later, along with the baby. Her surviving relatives blamed Robert for what had happened, because of his choice to sing secular music.

Yeah... back then, the blues was considered the “Devil’s music” by many, because, as I’ve said, just about everything fun and exciting for us is “evil” to the older generations and especially the hyper-religious. This could also be a reason why the legend of Robert selling his soul took off.

At some point, he had a child with a woman named Virgie Smith, and in 1931, he married Caletta Craft, and for a while, they settled down. However, at some point in or around 1932, their relationship came to an end, though sources disagree on whether he abandoned her or if she, too, died in childbirth (trust me, giving birth back then was a much riskier affair than it is now). In either case, Robert left home and became an itinerant musician, traveling around the country and playing popular songs on street corners (he also had a remarkable ability to play a song by ear). He traveled from town to town, employing up to eight surnames depending on where he was staying. During his travels, he lived with extended family members, various female companions (whom he’d known for varying degrees of time), and others. Those he was employed by often had little idea of his past (something that was easier to get away with back in those days). His friends state that he was well-mannered, soft-spoken, reserved in private, nice, and fairly ordinary, minus the extraordinary musical talents and love of women and booze.

In 1936 and 1937, Robert recorded the 29 tracks that would come to define his musical career and legacy (with 13 alternate takes surviving to this day). He achieved his first and only brush with fame when “Terraplane Blues” became a modest regional hit. I would also like to point out that the recordings are very lo-fi (typical of a recording of the day), and that when the recordings are slowed down to ~85%, it actually sounds much more natural. Of course, I will leave personal preferences up to you guys:

youtube

As fate would have it, before he could get into the recording studio again, Robert died under mysterious circumstances on August 16, 1938, and was subsequently buried in an unmarked grave. His death certificate was eventually unearthed in the 60′s, and some researchers determined that he likely had congenital syphilis and that it was a factor in his death. But of course, the legends give a different version of events entirely.

The more popular version of the story of Robert’s death is that he was performing at a juke joint near Greenwood, Mississippi on August 13, 1938, and that he started flirting with the wife of the bartender. In turn, he poisoned Robert’s drink, though sources disagree on what the substance was, with varying sources citing strychnine (highly unlikely), lye, or even mothballs.

Robert reportedly managed to fight off the poison, but then, according to some sources, he caught pneumonia, and with his immune system already weakened, he just couldn’t fight it off, and he died a slow, agonizing death.

Today, three headstones mark the various locations where it’s believed he might’ve been buried, and a signpost marks the crossroads where he allegedly sold his soul to the devil all those years ago...

Brian Jones:

Once again, I might’ve shot myself in the foot, because I’ve already talked about various aspects of Brian’s life, including his multiple children (https://rockandrollstorytime.tumblr.com/post/188266868006/note-this-is-going-to-be-a-bit-less-light-hearted), drug arrests (https://rockandrollstorytime.tumblr.com/post/188266958481/rock-and-roll-storytime-6-the-rolling-stones), decline and eventual death (https://rockandrollstorytime.tumblr.com/post/188271810426/rock-and-roll-storytime-9-the-decline-and-early), and even how he brought the Rolling Stones together and gave them their name (https://rockandrollstorytime.tumblr.com/post/188272778331/rock-and-roll-storytime-10-how-the-rolling). Still, he is one of the Tragic Seven, so I might as well post the full version of his life story here.

Lewis Brian Hopkin Jones was born in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire on February 28, 1942 to Lewis Blount Jones and Louisa Beatrice Simmonds. He was the eldest of three children. First, there was Pamela, who was born on October 3, 1943. Sadly, just two years later, she died of leukemia on October 14, 1945. According to some sources, his parents told him she’d been sent away for misbehavior (which probably fucked Brian up for life), and according to Paul Trynka, her very existence was kept secret, to the point where even family friends had little to no idea of the fact that Brian had ever had a sister named Pamela. His other little sister, Barbara, was born on August 22, 1946.

However, at some point that same year, Brian suffered a bout of croup that left him with lifelong asthma.

Growing up, Brian performed very well in school, but he was often rebellious and despised the rigid conformity imposed by the headmasters, as well as the uniforms. In fact, in 1967, he confided to a psychologist that he was frightened by conformity in males. He even got suspended on two separate occasions for “inciting rebellion.” On one of his report cards, his teacher wrote, “Suffers from a domineering father and has to show off to compensate.” In addition, his childhood friend, Dick Hattrell, later said of him, “He was a rebel without a cause, but when examinations came he was brilliant.” Brian reportedly had an IQ of 130, and achieved nine O-levels and two A-levels and aced his 11-plus exams. (Please don’t ask me to elaborate further; I’m American and have very little knowledge of British schooling).

If Brian’s home life was lacking in parental love, then it definitely wasn’t lacking in music. Lewis was an aeronautical engineer, but he was also a piano teacher, and Louisa played piano and organ, in addition to leading the church choir. When Brian was eight, his mother started teaching him piano, but he soon needed teachers with more advanced skills as his own grew very quickly. In fact, it was later said of him that he taught himself to play the sitar, a notoriously difficult Eastern string instrument, in roughly an hour. He also learned the clarinet and was a choir boy.

In 1957, he first heard the music of Julian “Cannonball” Adderly, and developed a love for jazz and eventually blues as result. However, his parents greatly disapproved of this newer music, and were outraged when he sold his clarinet in lieu of a soprano saxophone. On the other hand, though, they did get him a guitar for his seventeenth birthday.

Brian’s life took another turn later on in 1959 when his girlfriend, Valerie Corbett, fell pregnant with his child. It should be noted that Laura Jackson’s book, Brian Jones, The Untold Life and Mysterious Death of a Legend, states that Brian blatantly refused to wear condoms (contraception was still a relatively new concept back then), and beyond that, various sources disagree on whether Valerie was just fourteen or seventeen when she got pregnant. In either case, it was a scandalous affair. Brian’s solutions for this seem to have ranged from suggesting a shotgun wedding to encouraging Valerie to get an abortion (which was illegal at the time). The situation reportedly worsened when Valerie’s father died of a heart attack, apparently tied to stress from the situation as a whole. What is clear though, is that Brian spent a portion of 1959 in Germany, and when Valerie gave birth to Barry David Corbett in early 1960, Brian wasn’t allowed anywhere near his son, and Valerie gave the child up for adoption, likely being forced to do so by her family (because back then, the fate of the child would usually be decided by the mother’s family).

Of course, Brian didn’t learn his lesson. In August 1960, a married woman gave birth to his daughter after a one-night-stand in late 1959.

Trust me, when it comes to illegitimate children, the mothers always get the short end of the stick.

After some time spent in Germany, Brian returned to Cheltenham. He subsequently began dating Pat Andrews, who was sixteen at the time, and on October 22, 1961, she gave birth to her and Brian’s son, Julian Mark Andrews. Brian named not one, but two of his sons after Cannonball Adderly (the other being Julian Brian, his son with Linda Lawrence), while in this instance, Pat chose the name Mark because of its simplicity. Reportedly, on the day his son was born, Brian sold four of his records, his most prized possessions, and bought an extravagant flower arrangement for Pat and clothes for his newborn son.

Sadly, this little family arrangement was not to last.

Brian had longed to leave Cheltenham, and he saw his chance when, on a trip to London, he first met Alexis Korner, a blues purist who led the band Blues Incorporated. The older musician was impressed by Brian’s musical skills and knowledge, and as time went by, Brian started making more and more trips to London, staying with Alexis and his wife on such weekend excursions. Eventually, Brian moved to London, promising Pat he would send for her and Mark once he had the means to provide for them.

Unfortunately for her, this would be one of many promises that Brian wouldn’t keep.

It seems, in general, that Brian only set his sights on music, solely focusing his efforts on improving his skills. Laura Jackson’s book stated that, at one point in his life, Brian had held down 24 jobs in two years (😲). Among the various jobs he held were coal miner, factory worker, record store clerk, archivist, and bus conductor (despite his hatred of public transport, he loved buses and trains). However, none of these jobs lasted very long, with some lasting merely a week, or even less than that. He also tried applying to university, if only to placate his parents by telling them he’d get a job involving optics, but his application was withdrawn after someone (likely a landlord pissed with Brian after he fell behind on the rent) wrote to the school, calling Brian an “irresponsible drifter.”

On April 7, 1962, Brian, taking the stage name Elmo Lewis, performed as a guest with Blues Incorporated along with Paul Pond (later known as Paul Jones of Manfred Mann). By now, Brian was skilled with guitar, piano, clarinet, harmonica, saxophone, and most notably, slide guitar. It was on this night that two eighteen-year-olds, Michael Phillip Jagger and Keith Richards, first saw him. In 2010, Keith wrote, “We first met Brian Jones at the Ealing Jazz Club. He was calling himself Elmo Lewis. He wanted to be Elmore James at the time. ‘You’ll have to get a tan and put on a few inches, boy.’ But slide guitar was a real novelty in England, and Brian played it that night. He played ‘Dust My Broom,’ and it was electrifying. He played it beautifully. We were very impressed with Brian. I think Mick was the first to go up and talk to him, and we discovered that he had his own band, most of whom deserted him in the next few weeks.” Reportedly, Keith even kept nudging Mick and another friend, Dick Taylor (later of the Pretty Things), and whispered “It’s Elmore James! It is man! It’s fuckin’ Elmore James!”

The next month, Brian put an ad in the paper for aspiring blues musicians. The first to show up was pianist Ian Stewart, and before long, they were jamming to Robert Johnson’s “Sweet Home Chicago.” Then there was Mick, who agreed to join if Keith could come along. Initially, there was also Geoff Bradford and Brian Knight, but they left soon after, refusing to perform the works of Chuck Berry. They were replaced by Dick Taylor and Tony Chapman.

I’ve gone into more detail about this in the past, but when Blues Incorporated got a spot on a radio show, Mick and Brian agreed to hold down the fort. However, while Brian was trying to place an ad for the gig in the papers, he was asked to give a name for the fledgling group. Desperate, Brian saw a Best of Muddy Waters compilation on the floor, and Side 1, Track 5 was “Rollin’ Stone Blues.”

And thus, the band became “The Rollin’ Stones.”

They played their first show on July 12, 1962.

The next month, Mick, Keith, and Brian moved into a flat called Edith Grove. They would remain in the dingy flat until September 1963, and since then, that period of their lives has become simultaneously famous and infamous (Mick and Keith even commented upon it recently: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNRKTFCA7c0&t=205s)

For now though, Brian and Keith spent their time developing what Keith later dubbed “guitar weaving,” where the guitarists would play off each other to the point where two guitars sounded like one). It’s a tradition that’s survived through to this day, including through several line-up changes within the Rolling Stones (this is likely seen in other bands to one extent or another too).

The band also fought through the winter of 1962/63, one of the coldest in Britain in over a century. In December, Bill Wyman replaced Dick Taylor on bass, and in January, Charlie Watts replaced Tony Chapman on drums. Early in 1963, Brian managed to get the group a residency at the Crawdaddy Club, after the Dave Hunt Group couldn’t make it due to the terrible weather and abysmal road conditions. By the end of March, the group had cut their first recording sessions.

And then, in April, Andrew Loog Oldham and Eric Easton made their presences known.

Motherfucking Andrew Oldham .

I believe my reasons for hating his guts will become a bit more clear as I continue with this.

In May, Andrew became the band’s manager, whilst Eric Easton became the band’s financial advisor. Because Andrew was 19 and under the age of 21 (age of majority in Britain at the time), his mother had to co-sign on just about every contract he signed, and he also couldn’t obtain an agent’s license.

Quickly, Andrew set his sights on Mick as the band’s golden boy (I mean, come on, those dance moves), as opposed to the kid who actually had blonde hair....

Begrudgingly, I will admit that if it wasn’t for Andrew, the Rolling Stones probably never would’ve found the level of success they did. He definitely got the publicity ball rolling (pun intended) with headlines such as “Would You Let Your Sister Go With a Rolling Stone?” For a while, he also served as the Stones’ producer on albums.

However, make no mistake, he, Mick, and Keith were terrible to Brian. I’ll try and go into more detail as I go along, but Andrew led a whispering campaign against Brian, Mick and Brian shared an intense rivalry in just about every aspect of their lives, and if Paul Trynka’s book is to be believed, Keith would throw things at Brian to the point of causing physical pain, or he’d otherwise pick fights with Brian.

Let’s also not forget that in 1963, Andrew made the callous decision to cut Ian Stewart from the band on the basis of him not fitting in with the others (he had a square chin and a 50′s haircut) and his belief that the fans would never remember more than five faces (we Linkin Park fans would beg to differ).

Look, I respect Mick and Keith as songwriters and entertainers, but it’s very hard for me to extend that same respect to them as people.

In either case, the Stones’ first single, a cover of Chuck Berry’s “Come On”, was released on June 23, 1963. From there, the band slowly but surely gained a following, and for a time, Brian retained some of his initial leadership role.

And then, while the band was touring in October 1963, they found out that Brian had an agreement with Eric Easton, and was receiving an extra £5 for every show.

Keep in mind, Bill Wyman later wrote that, at that point, they were earning £193 a week. Even accounting for inflation (and in my case, currency exchanges), that’s less than ten percent of what the band was earning.

Still, because everyone had been under the impression that they were earning the same amount of money per member, it caused the first rifts between Brian and the rest of the band, and laid the foundations of his eventual ousting from the band he’d worked so hard to create.

By June 1964, the Stones had gained a respectable following on their home turf, but they had a harder time gaining a following in America, largely due to the fact that they hadn’t had a major single yet, and not helped by how people like Dean Martin made fun of their “long” hair (let’s face it, by today’s standards, their hair would generally be considered short nowadays).

They started to gain that following with the release of the songs “Time Is On Our Side” and “It’s All Over Now.” It only increased with their performance on the TAMI show in late 1964.

There’s a couple things I should note now. First, a couple months before, Andrew made the push for Mick and Keith to start writing songs (his reasons for focusing on the Dartfordian boys are beyond me). See, originally, the Stones were a Blues cover band, and in his earliest days as their manager, he tried to market them as a Beatles counterpart (complete with matching suits and hairstyles), which horrified the Beatles, who were actually good friends with the Stones even in their early days. However, he soon eschewed that in favor of marketing the Stones as the “anti-Beatles” (even though both bands reportedly even timed album releases so that neither’s success would encroach on the others’). Even so, with this move, Andrew was clearly taking some inspiration from the Lennon-McCartney partnership in trying to push for a Jagger-Richards partnership. Keith claimed years later that Andrew locked them in a room until they could come out with some songs, but Mick has denied that this ever happened. In either case, one of their earliest songs would be made famous by Marianne Faithfull: “As Tears Go By”.

Second, there is a lot of debate as to whether Brian could actually write songs. Mick, Keith, Ian, and Andrew have all basically said that Brian couldn’t write a song for shit. However, Brian’s girlfriend in 1964, Linda Lawrence, said that she and her mother saw Brian writing songs, but when he tried to bring up his ideas to the other Stones, he would be coldly dismissed, with Keith once saying, “It sounds like a bloody Welsh hymn!”

(At this point, I’d like to ask, “What’s wrong with Welsh hymns?”)

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Some sites on the internet allege that Brian did write songs, a couple were recorded, and one even features him singing! Trust me, aside from the above examples, Brian singing lead or co-lead on any song is woefully rare. However, if the acetates in question do exist, then they certainly haven’t been released.

To this day, the only writing credits Brian has to his name are a jingle for a Rice Krispies commercial and the soundtrack for Mord Und Totschlag, which has never been officially released (more on this later). Also worth noting is that in the 90′s, one of Brian’s poems was set to music, but that’s a very loose example, since he is only credited with the lyrics (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gEE4I7ORlY).

In any case, as time passed, Brian became more and more alienated from the Stones, Sometimes, it was because he missed out on concerts (make no mistake though, he only missed 12 out of some 930 Stones shows in his lifetime, and it could usually be chalked up to health problems). Other times, it’d be because of something Brian said or did, such as when Brian disappeared for a few days when he was contemplating leaving the band due to the stress and bullying in April 1965.

There’s many other things, big and small, that I could talk about. In either case, it seems that whether Brian did something or not, it’d invariably come back to bite him in the ass.

Also during this time, he had his last two confirmed children. First, there’s the aforementioned Julian Brian, his child with Linda Lawrence born in 1964. Linda and Pat later tried to file lawsuits against Brian for child support, and in both cases, they received either a lump sum or payments from the government. Later on, in 1970, Linda married Brian’s friend, Donovan Leitch. Then, while he was dating Linda Lawrence, Brian was having an affair with 19-year-old Dawn Molloy. When she became pregnant, Andrew told Brian to stop seeing her. Andrew later coerced Dawn into signing an agreement that she would never tell the press or the public that Brian Jones was the father of her baby, which was witnessed by Mick Jagger of all people. In addition, she also received £700 for her silence. She later gave birth to Brian’s fifth child, Paul Molloy, in March 1965 and was forced by her parents to give the baby up for adoption. Fortunately, this tale of woe does have a happy ending in that mother and son were reunited in 1994, and both have since spoken out about their experiences. Paul (renamed John Maynard) later stated, “First, I'd probably hit him for what he did to Dawn. Then I'd brush him down and ask him if he wanted a coffee. I'd like to chat with him. To get to know him and for him to get to know me. He'd like me, I know he would. I'd want him to be proud of me. To be honest, I'd just want him to be my dad.”

On September 14, 1965, Brian met German-Italian actress Anita Pallenberg. She apparently went for him because he was the most popular member of the Rolling Stones at the time, and they also were both fluent in German, so part of their early connection was built on that.

The Who’s Pete Townshend later stated, "We hung out a lot from about 1964 to 1966. Part of the time he was seeing Anita Pallenberg. She was a stunning creature. I mean literally stunning. It was quite hard to maintain one’s gaze. One time in Paris I remember they took some drug and were so sexually stimulated they could hardly wait for me to leave the room before starting to shag. I felt Brian was living on a higher plane of decadence than anyone I would ever meet.”

Many Stones fans who know of Brian’s story tend to hate Anita to varying degrees (based on personal observation). As this progresses, I hope that at least some of the reasons will become clear.

According to Paul Trynka, Anita gave him the confidence to go up against Mick and Keith, and it was her that helped him become the fashion icon he is remembered as today (and that’s how I also know he’d apparently wash his hair up to five or six times per day). Though, in general, Brian started to act a bit more willfully, if not a bit irrationally at times.

However, their relationship was far from a healthy one.

Actually, it’s probably comparable with Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen and Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love in terms of how messed up it was.

For me, the morally objectionable part isn’t that they were apparently into S&M, but rather that they abused each other, both physically and mentally. More often than not, though, Brian will invariably get most of the flak.

Take, for example, this quote from Keith Richards, “I would hear the thumping some nights, and Brian would come out with a black eye. Brian was a woman beater. But the one woman in the world you did not want to try and beat up on was Anita Pallenberg. Every time they had a fight, Brian would come out bandaged and bruised.”

In addition, one of the most circulated stories about their tumultuous relationship was the time Brian broke his wrist in September 1966.

Reportedly, Brian told the press that he’d broken his wrist in a stupid accident. However, most others say that Brian broke his wrist during another fight with Anita, either on a metal window frame or on her face (sources vary).

Bill Wyman has this to state about the matter: “While Charlie and Shirley were on holiday in Greece, Brian made plans to take a holiday in Morocco, a country that fascinated him, with Anita and antique dealer Christopher Gibbs, a friend of his as well as of Mick and Keith. The party flew to Tangier on 28 August, but the trip was quickly marred by tensions between Brian and Anita. This couple, so magnetically drawn together, began squabbling about almost everything- both in the privacy of their room and publicly in restaurants. There were stories of fights and after seven days Brian returned to London with a broken left wrist in a plaster cast. Various reasons were given. First Brian said he broke it while climbing; Christopher Gibbs declared that Brian tried to hit Anita, missed, and hit the metal frame of a window; and finally Brian stated: ‘I fell on a slippery bathroom floor and trapped my hand under my hip and the bath. That’s the real story.’ Nobody who knew Brian’s record of fisticuffs with women doubted that the broken wrist was traceable to an altercation with Anita.”

I should mention that before this incident though, 1966 was one of the Stones’ most musically innovative periods, with Brian almost entirely eschewing the guitar for most of the rest of his career with the Rolling Stones. He brought the sitar to “Paint It Black”, dulcimer to “Lady Jane”, marimba to “Under My Thumb”, and so on. In fact, in his lifetime, Brian had learned many instruments, including piano, clarinet, saxophone, guitar, harmonica, slide guitar, mellotron, bass guitar, rhythm guitar, marimba, euphonium, recorder, dulcimer, recorder, drums, vibraslap, autoharp, congas, harpsichord, vocals, tambourine, maracas, organ, koto, double bass, kazoo, oboe, trumpet, tanbura, harp, flute, clavinet, vibraphone, banjo, accordion, glockenspiel, xylophone, and trombone.

And like I’ve said, I can’t even play the piano yet (or harmonica for that matter).

In 1966, Anita got a leading role in the movie Mord Und Totschlag (A Degree of Murder), and Brian asked the director, Volker Schlondorff, if he could do the soundtrack, and agreed to do it for free. The director and the musician apparently became pretty good friends during this time, and Brian also brought in Jimmy Page (guitars), Nicky Hopkins (piano), Kenney Jones (drums), Glyn Johns (engineering), Peter Gosling (vocals), and Mike Leander (orchestra) for an assist. Even if lyrics were a stumbling block for him, it is this that shows that Brian had the potential to be a great songwriter. However, while on set, Brian could be difficult. For one thing, he procrastinated (I can relate). In addition, his insecurity often bubbled to the surface. Schlondorff himself later stated, “He was driven by this narcissistic need, to be recognized, to be loved, for attention. And Anita was stronger than he was at that moment. She could control things, by giving attention, or withholding it, or by treating him in a very condescending way. Then he’d get nasty, in the sense that he’s the one who’s got the money or whatever, so he’d punish her that way. And I’m certain he’d treat her physically badly, too. So he already was, in some ways, an unhappy and pathetic figure”

Even so, the film premiered at Cannes on April 19, 1967, though by then, Brian and Anita had split. While the movie finally got a DVD/Blu-Ray release fifty-two years later, in 2019, the soundtrack still has yet to be released.

On February 12, 1967, Keith’s home, Redlands, was raided after the tabloid News of the World (thankfully defunct now) tipped off the police that drugs were being done at a party. Mick was charged with drug possession and Keith was charged with allowing his home to be used for the smoking of cannabis.

Not long after, Andrew fled to America, and was fired in September 1967, being replaced by Allen Klein in the process.

On the advice on their lawyers, Mick, Keith, Brian, and Anita left the country.

I should note that by now, Brian was addicted to alcohol, nicotine, LSD, marijuana, cannabis, prescription pills, and god only knows what else.

At this point though, Brian was far from being fit to travel. In March, as the group made a stopover in Gibraltar, Brian (probably high) got it in his head to play the soundtrack for Mord und Totschlag for some Barbary monkeys. The monkeys, being monkeys, didn’t take too kindly to that, and scampered off. Brian didn’t take this very well, and between having an asthma attack (which Anita and Marianne apparently thought he was faking for sympathy) and screaming profanities that would probably make hardened sailors blush, he was weeping, reportedly shouting, “No one likes my music!”

Yes, at first glance, the incident would seem comical, but all I see is a man truly beginning to fall apart at the seams.

In Toulouse, Brian fell ill with pneumonia, and had to spend several days in the hospital, including his 25th birthday. Keith and Anita went on ahead, and started up an affair behind his back.When Brian was able to finally rendezvous with the rest of the group, the affair between Keith and Anita did not go unnoticed by him. The only certainties about what happened next are that Brian paid for the services of two prostitutes, and something happened between him and Anita.

Trust me, it’s best not to use the movie Stoned as a source for this.

In his autobiography, Keith had this to say about the events of that fateful night: “And of course Brian starts his old shit again, in Marrakech in the Es Sadi hotel, trying to take Anita on for fifteen rounds. His reaction to whatever he sensed between Anita and me was more violence. And once again he breaks two ribs and a finger or something. And I’m watching it, hearing it. Brian was about to sign his own exit card and help Anita and me on our way. There’s no point to this noninterference anymore. We’re stuck in Marrakech, this is the woman I’m in love with, and I’ve got to relinquish her out of some formality? All of my plans of rebuilding my relationship with Brian are obviously going straight down the drain. In the condition he was in, there was no point in building anything with Brian. I’d done my best... Now it was just unacceptable. Then Brian dragged two tattooed whores- remembered by Anita, incidentally, as “really hairy girls”- down the hotel corridor and into the room, trying to force Anita into a scene, humiliating her in front of them. He started to fling food at her from the many trays he’d ordered up. At that point Anita ran to my room.”

Byron Gysin, who was with the Stones during their stay in Morocco, had this to say: “Expensive ladies. This one cost Brian a packet, the whole packet: Anita and the Stones, his life as a musician, and eventually his life.”

Upon what was done, Keith similarly had this to say: “I thought Anita wanted out of there, and if I could come up with a plan, she would take it. Sir Galahad again. But I wanted her back; I wanted to get out. I said, ‘You didn’t come to Marrakech to worry that you’ve beaten up your old man so much he’s lying in the bath with broken ribs. I can’t take this shit anymore. I can’t listen to you getting beaten up and fighting and all this crap. This is pointless. Let’s get the hell out of here. Let’s just leave him. We’re having much more fun without him. It’s been a very, very hard week for me knowing that you’re with him.’ Anita was in tears. She didn’t want to leave, but she realized that I was right when I said that Brian would probably try and kill her.”

And so, the next day, Keith, Mick, and Anita hightailed it out of there, leaving Brian stranded in Morocco.

About this, Gysin states, “Less than half an hour later, Brian is on the blower to me, sobbing: ‘Come! Come quickly! They’ve all gone and left me! Cleared out, I don’t know where they’ve gone. No message. The hotel won’t tell me. I’m here all alone, help me. Come at once!’ I go over there. Get him into bed. Call a doctor to give him a shot and stick around long enough to see it take hold on him. Don’t want him jumping down those ten stories into the swimming pool.”

Brian never forgave Keith.

Brian’s father blamed Anita for breaking his heart, but those who were closer to Brian, such as Linda Lawrence, said that it was the betrayal of Mick and Keith, the men he’d once considered brothers, that really broke him.

In either case, Brian slipped into a downward spiral from which he’d never recover.

On the subject of Brian’s drug use, Mick later stated in the 2012 documentary Crossfire Hurricane, “Keith and I took drugs, but Brian took too many drugs of the wrong kind and he wasn’t functioning as a musician. I don’t think he was that interested in contributing to the Rolling Stones anymore.”

On May 10, just as Mick and Keith were being formally charged with various drug offenses, Brian’s home was raided by police. They found marijuana, cocaine, and methamphetamine in his house. He confessed to marijuana use, but denied he used stronger substances (I’ll leave it up to you guys whether you believe that’s true or not).

Mick and Keith were sentenced to various prison sentences in June, released on appeal shortly after, and in July, Keith’s sentence was overturned entirely, while Mick was given a years’ probation. Their release was in large part due to the public outcry that resulted from the trials.

But where Mick and Keith seemed to blossom in the aftermath, Brian seemed to only wilt.

Against his lawyer’s advice, Brian plead guilty. On Allen Klein’s advice, he isolated himself from the Stones even further. Above all else, he didn’t take the matter as seriously as he could or should have.

On October 30, Brian was found guilty of cannabis possession and allowing his home to be used for the smoking of cannabis.

He was sentenced to a total of twelve months in prison.

Reportedly, during the night, Brian was taunted by guards, who threatened to cut the long, blonde hair he was so proud of.

He was released awaiting appeal the next day, but he’d been deeply shaken by the experience. In December, his case went on appeal, and because his defense testified that he had an “already fragile mental make-up” and his doctor said that Brian was “anxious, considerably depressed, and potentially suicidal”, Brian was fined, given three years’ probation, and given strict orders to seek professional help.

Even so, Brian’s health, social, mental, and physical alike, continued to decline.

Another anecdote that lends credence to this: in January 1968, Brian (by now sporting a beard that even die-hard fans tend to recoil from in horror), joined his friend, Jimi Hendrix, during the recording sessions for “All Along the Watchtower.” (Prior to this, Brian had introduced Jimi to an American audience at the 1967 Monterey Pop Festival). Brian’s first attempt at contributing to what would become Jimi’s most iconic song (even impressing Bob Dylan, who originally sang/wrote it) was to attempt a piano line. However, Brian was incredibly drunk at the time, and could only produce off-key clunking.

For once in his life, Brian’s musical abilities had failed him.

It got to the point where Jimi shot sound engineer Eddie Kramer a look that said “Can we get him to stop?” At that point, Eddie ushered Brian into the control room, where he fell on the floor and passed out.

Brian did eventually contribute percussion in the form of the vibraslap, which can be heard in the opening bars of the song. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY)

In May, a little over a year after his first arrest, Brian was arrested for cannabis possession for a second time. Sources disagree on whether or not Brian had been trying to get clean, but those who believe Brian was making that effort lean towards the opinion that this time, the cops planted the dope on Brian (including myself).

This time, Brian plead not guilty, and though his defense argued that the evidence against Brian was circumstantial at best, the jury found him guilty regardless. This time however, the judge was much more lenient and decided to let Brian off with a fine and a stern warning to not appear in court again, offering him the same treatment he would’ve gotten had he not been famous.

From here, most of the remaining anecdotes paint a bleak, contradictory picture of Brian’s life, showing him as a man continually absent from recording sessions. If and when he would show up, he’d generally be too intoxicated to properly contribute (his most likely vices at this point likely included alcohol and Mandrax).

The last Rolling Stones album to feature him as a major presence was Their Satanic Majesties Request (1967).

His last major contribution to one of their songs was the slide guitar on “No Expectations.”

For more context, I will take a paragraph from Paul Trynka’s book, “Other insiders share [George] Chikantz’s perception of a hardness at the heart of the Stones, most notably Jack Nitzche. Throughout 1965 and 1966 he’d noted rancour during the band’s RCA sessions. When he resumed work with the band towards the end of 1968, he reckoned the atmosphere had changed- for the worse. His vignette of seeing Mick with Brian is chilling. “Brian came up to me, looking pretty shaky, and asked me what I thought he should do- he didn’t know where he fit[ted] in. I told him to just pick up a guitar and start playing. Then he walked over to Mick and asked, “What should I play?” Mick told him, “You’re a member of the band, Brian, play whatever you want.” So he played something, but Mick stopped him and said, “No, Brian, not that- that’s no good.” So Brian asked him again what to play and Mick told him again to play whatever he wanted. So Brian played something else, but Mick cut him off again- “No, that’s no good either, Brian.”’”

Of this time period, Mick stated, “ You certainly didn't know if he was going to turn up and what state he was going to be in and then, what he was going to be able to do in that state. What job could you give him? And then, one time, when we sat around, on the floor, we played, in a circle, playing "No Expectations". And he picked the guitar and played a very pretty line on it which you can hear on the record. And that was the last thing I remember him doing that was Brian. Or, the Brian that could contribute something very pretty and sensitive and it made the record sound wonderful.”

The Who’s Pete Townshend, also stated, “When we played The Rolling Stones’ Rock and Roll Circus I was very upset about Brian’s condition. I was upset at Keith Richards’ green complexion, too, but he seemed in good spirits. Brian was defeated. I took Mick and Keith aside and they were quite frank about it all; they said Brian had ceased to function, they were afraid he would slip away. They certainly were not hard-nosed about him. But they were determined not to let him drag them down, that was clear. Brian certainly slipped away that evening. He died soon after.”

Keith himself later stated, “We didn’t even expect him to be there. If he turned up, we’d find something for him to do I'd ask him, "You got anything?" You know, "What do you think about this? Want to put something over this?" Or, but, eh, by then he was already in Bye-Bye Land. “

By now, it’s clear to me that Brian was either unable or unwilling to seek proper treatment for his addictions or mental health ailments, and very few, if any of the people in his company were willing to either help or intervene.

The Rock and Roll Circus was the last time Brian performed with the Stones.

The last songs he ever played on were “Midnight Rambler” (congas) and “You’ve Got the Silver” (autoharp).

Six months later, the Stones were making plans to go on tour for the first time since 1967. However, it was soon brought to the attention of their lawyers that Brian would be unlikely, if not entirely unable to get a work visa in the USA due to his prior drug convictions.

Due to this and Brian’s increasing lack of contributions to the band’s music, Ian Stewart suggested that they let Brian go.

Ultimately, it was Mick and Keith’s decision, and they decided to take Ian’s suggestion to heart. First, they brought on 20-year-old Mick Taylor as their new guitarist. Then, on June 8, 1969, Mick and Keith went to Cotchford Farm to give Brian the news, bringing Charlie along in case a fight broke out. Brian, however, decided to back out gracefully, and in various press releases, including Brian’s, it was made to appear as if Brian had elected to leave the band entirely of his own accord.

I should talk about the last photos of Brian ever taken, shot by Helen Spittal on June 23, 1969, nine days before Brian’s death. Most people would only really see the heavy bags under his eyes and the obvious weight gain and all they see is a man near the end of his rope. But for me, in some of the photos, I can still see a tiny spark of life in those sea-green eyes of his; the tiniest spark of hope that, if things had gone differently, he could’ve gotten better.

Maybe I’m just biased.

Either way, it was never meant to be.

Even now, there is considerable debate as to whether or not Brian was still doing drugs. Some say that Brian was making a decided effort to get off of drugs. Laura Jackson’s book even claims that Brian hated even taking prescription drugs by now. In her book though, his girlfriend at the time, Anna Wohlin, claimed that he’d been doing cocaine after Keith left some at his house as a gift (even though Brian had denied using cocaine just two years earlier). In addition, Brian had been prescribed Black bombers (durophet), Valium, Mandrax, and Piriton on top of his inhaler.

Even though the witness reports taken from the time are contradictory, they’ve been my most valuable source in my research. Besides, I remember seeing in a documentary called Killing Lincoln that of the hundreds of witness reports taken in the immediate aftermath of the assassination, none of them matched up. For me, it’s a matter of piecing together what generally correlates between the accounts. What is generally agreed upon in the case of Brian’s death is that he was with Anna, Janet Lawson, and Frank Thorogood, and he decided to go swimming in 80°F water. Frank was all for it, but Anna and Janet expressed concerns. Most of you reading this will know the rest.

Above, you’ll see Janet’s testimony, taken on the morning of Brian’s death. I know you can all read, but I’d still like to highlight a couple of her statements in particular.

“Brian guided us back to the house with a hand torch. It was clear that he was unsteady on his feet as the light was unreliable. He seemed to be talking quite sensibly, I believe about the drainage scheme. Nevertheless, it was obvious that he had been drinking. ...Brian attempted conversation, but it was a little garbled ‘and he excused it by saying, ‘I’ve had my sleepers’ or some such phrase. From this I gathered he had taken sleeping tablets.”

At this point, I feel it’s important to note that a, Janet was a registered nurse, and b, Mandrax and black bombers are no longer legal or distributed, and beyond that, some of the drugs Brian was taking at the time of his death feature side-effects such as seizures, drowsiness, unsteadiness and other problems with coordination, slurred speech, and others. Alcohol (equivalent to seven whiskeys) definitely wouldn’t have helped whatever cocktail of drugs Brian had taken that night.

In my not-so-professional opinion, whether he went swimming or not that night, Brian was several levels of screwed.

“I saw that Brian had great difficulty in holding his balance on the spring board. Frank was doing his best to assist him but not very successfully. Eventually, Brian flopped into the water and yet despite his condition seemed to be able to cope and made his strokes in the deep end. His movements were sluggish, but I felt reasonably assured that they all were able to look after each other.”

I think most doctors nowadays would tell you that in any event where someone’s been drinking, it’s best to have someone sober in the immediate vicinity to make sure nothing bad happens (like drinking and driving).

Of Brian’s death, Janet states, “I went out to the pool and on the bottom I saw Brian. He was facedown in the deep end. He was motionless and I sensed the worst straight away.

“I shouted under the open window of the bedroom to Anna who was speaking on the telephone. I ran into the house and shouted to Frank. Both joined me- I was by then in the water but realized I couldn’t manage him alone and I shouted to Frank to get into the pool to get Brian out.”

Still, she’s a registered nurse and she just left him on the bottom...? 😑

“I returned to the pool to get Frank to use the ‘phone and he and Anna were struggling to get Brian out of the water. I helped and we eventually got him out. He lay on his back and as Frank went to the house to ‘phone I turned the body over and attempted to pump the water out of him. It was obvious to me he was dead but I turned the body back and I told Anna how to apply mouth to mouth resuscitation as I applied external cardiac massage.

“I carried on for at least fifteen minutes but there was no pulse.

“The three swimmers were in such a condition that I was tempted to return to the flat but I had a moral obligation to keep an eye on them because I sensed they were all being very stupid- I suppose as a nurse I felt responsible.”

Brian Jones was pronounced dead early in the morning of July 3, 1969, though the coroner estimated that his death happened at sometime near or around 11:30 PM on July 2, 1969. Based upon the evidence that Brian’s heart and liver were twice as large as they should have been for a man of his age, he was suffering from pleurisy and other bronchial trouble, and the aforementioned quantities of alcohol and prescription drugs found in his system and noting the pink foam (sputum) in his nostrils and the lack of evidence of an asthma attack, it was ruled as a case of “misadventure.”

In layman’s terms, Brian had drowned due to a cocktail of prescription pills and alcohol.

To this day, however, theories persist that Brian’s death was either an act of manslaughter, perpetrated by Frank Thorogood in a bout of drunken horseplay gone terribly wrong, or that Brian was intentionally drowned, either for firing Frank, trying to start a supergroup with John Lennon and Jimi Hendrix (Jimi’s camp denies this), having an affair with Princess Margaret (yes, really), or for just about every other reason in the bloody book you can conjure up.

Really, though, I once again have to ask, if Brian was really murdered, then why is so much of the evidence circumstantial, and why did so many of the supposed witnesses fail to come forward for a good decade or three after Brian’s death. Seriously, I don’t think someone like Tom Keylock would have the sort of political reach to uphold an entire conspiracy. None of it makes sense, and I’ve been studying this case for five months.

Two days after his death, the Stones performed a free concert at Hyde Park. It was originally meant to be an introduction for Mick Taylor, but it became a tribute to Brian in light of his death. A giant picture of Brian sat on the side of the stage, Mick read two verses of Percy Bysshe Shelley’s Adonais, and thousands of butterflies were released, though by that time, many had died due to the boxes not being properly ventilated. The Stones in the Park Concert would never be regarded as their technical best, but it was still regarded as a success. Also interesting to note; before the concert, officials were worried about potential widespread property damage and general unruliness. But then, the night before the concert, fans started showing up, and since they were being quiet and respectful, police let them stay, even after the park’s usual closing time at midnight. Contrary to popular belief, the property damage only totaled £100, with the worst of the damage being inflicted upon a tree that had been planted the previous year. The fans even helped clean up the park after the show, and those who collected the most trash were rewarded with free Stones LPs.

Brian’s funeral was held on Thursday, July 10, 1969. He was buried in Cheltenham, though Laura Jackson’s book claims that he’d once told Helen that he wished to be buried at Cotchford Farm after his death. Even then, it’s doubtful that Brian would have wanted to be buried in the town he’d wanted to escape for so long, which is why people like myself and Caitlin Doughty (check out “Ask a Mortician,” it’s amazing) will advocate in favor of telling your family what you want done with your body after you die. The funeral was presided over by Canon Hugh Evan Hopkins. In my opinion, (this is not meant to be anti-religious) he made an ass of himself with the speech he gave: “He had little patience with authority, convention, and tradition. In this he was typical of many of his generation who have come to see in the Stones an expression of their whole attitude to life. Much that this ancient church has stood for in 900 years seems totally irrelevant to them.”

It might not be the worst speech I’ve ever heard about being delivered at a funeral, but dammit, no wonder Keith has never concerned himself with “petty morals.”

The only members of the Stones in attendance were Bill Wyman and Charlie Watts. Mick and Marianne were on a plane to Australia to begin shooting Ned Kelly. They later claimed that the people behind the film wouldn’t allow them an extension so that they could attend the funeral. Years later, Keith also had this to say: “It was going to be too much of a circus. And, anyway, I didn't ever go to my mother's funeral or my father's. We didn't have one. We're like that in my family. You know, my dad is now an oak tree. We put his ashes where there's an enormous oak tree growing and every year he gets a little bit bigger. And my mum, she said, "Don't make no fuss over me, boy." "I promise I'll make no fuss, mum." And Hyde Park was the funeral.”

We’ll just have to go with that...

Brian was buried in a silver and bronze casket that was allegedly paid for by Bob Dylan, wearing a powder blue jacket, white shirt, and black tie with his hair lightened and cut in its trademark bob. By all accounts, it looked as though he were sleeping. His parents had wanted to keep the whole affair private, but then somebody in the Stones’ management got a hold of the information and leaked the details to the press. The heartless leeches even wanted to get pictures of Brian lying in his coffin, but his parents managed to prevent that from happening, so there’s that at least.

In regards to the rest of the world, Jimi Hendrix dedicated a song to Brian on American television, Jim Morrison wrote the poem “Ode to L.A. While Thinking of Brian Jones, Deceased”, and Pete Townshend wrote the poem “A Normal Day for Brian, A Man Who Died Every Day.” By coincidence, Hendrix and Morrison later died at 27 within the next two years (but that’s a story I’ll have to talk about next time).

Two years after his death, Brian’s only solo album, Brian Jones Presents the Pipes of Pan at Joujouka was released in October 1971. It had been recorded on another one of Brian’s trips to Morocco in 1968, and aside from a few sound effects, he only served as the album’s producer. If nothing else, it truly shows how appreciative Brian was of Moroccan music in that he mostly just let their music speak for itself. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwEoDGeNyrE&t=613s)

Also, am I the only one who strenuously objects to the phrasing “In Affectionate Remembrance of...” on Brian’s and Pamela’s gravestones? No? Okay then...

According to one (possibly apocryphal) anecdote, Keith once said to Brian, “You’ll never make thirty, man.”

Brian’s response?

“I know.”

Death hasn’t been kind to Brian Jones. If anyone remembers him, it’s generally for his early death. The hatchet still has yet to be buried between Mick, Keith, and Brian. They rarely speak of him, and whether it’s a kind word is extremely variable. More often than not though, it’s not kind, emphasizing his faults of character over everything else. Bill is the only one who’s truly stood up for Brian over the years, and his portrait of Brian is one of the most nuanced we’ve gotten from the Stones’ camp: “ There were at least two sides to Brian's personality. One Brian was introverted, shy, sensitive, deep-thinking. The other was a preening peacock, gregarious, artistic, desperately needing assurance from his peers. He pushed every friendship to the limit and way beyond.” Many of Brian’s achievements have gone largely unnoticed, which is a shame, because I think that although Brian had major personality flaws, it’s important not to forget that he had a good side as well, and that he was a musical genius, and it’s a shame that we never got to see the post-Stones life Brian could have lived.

If nothing else, I’d like to leave this part off with a poem Brian wrote in 1968 that was featured on the back of the compilation album Through the Past, Darkly (Big Hits Vol. 2):

“When this you see, remember me

and bear me in your mind

Let all the world say what they may

speak of me as you find.”

Sources/Further Readings: https://www.upvenue.com/music-news/blog-headline/1026/the-27-club-musicians-who-died-at-27-years-old.html

https://coloradosound.org/27-club/

https://www.seattlepi.com/news/article/P-I-s-Writer-in-Residence-Charles-R-Cross-1229072.php

http://sciencenetlinks.com/science-news/science-updates/27-club-myth/

https://www.inquisitr.com/13488/stating-the-obvious-amy-winehouse-fears-early-death/

https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/publications/mentalhealth/media-guidelines-for-the-portrayal-of-suicide-3.pdf

https://www.samaritans.org/about-samaritans/media-guidelines/

https://spinditty.com/artists-bands/The-dead-at-27-Club

Remastered: Devil at the Crossroads

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-ppLCkvPJU

https://theconversation.com/the-27-club-is-a-myth-56-is-the-bum-note-for-musicians-33586

https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-lists/the-27-club-a-brief-history-17853/robert-johnson-26971/

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/james-douglas-morrison-poet-dead-at-27-40343/

https://www.insider.com/27-club-celebrities-musicians-died-27-years-old-2017-9

https://coloradosound.org/27-club/

https://www.forever27.co.uk/hall-of-fame.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/27_Club

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Johnson

https://www.udiscovermusic.com/stories/devils-music-myth-robert-johnson/

https://www.robertjohnsonbluesfoundation.org/biography/

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/09/25/obituaries/robert-johnson-overlooked.html

https://www.biography.com/musician/robert-johnson

https://www.rockhall.com/inductees/robert-johnson

https://www.allmusic.com/artist/robert-johnson-mn0000832288/biography

http://musingsonmusic.com/2013/01/15/Robert-Johnson-as-told-by-Keith-Richards/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feIaNfFONWo

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/YMMV/RobertJohnson

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/17/arts/brian-jones-the-making-of-the-rolling-stones-a-biography.html

https://www.popmatters.com/jameselmore-skyiscrying-2495952033.html

https://www.arkansasonline.com/news/2019/jun/30/gone-for-50-years-stones-brian-jones-20/

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/brian-jones-sympathy-for-the-devil-182761/

https://books.google.com/books?id=4JD9fio-iLkC&pg=PA206&lpg=PA206&dq=Mick+Jagger+and+Keith+Richards+visited+the+Ealing+Club&source=bl&ots=U6uNKnlMDP&sig=T3iJowA4Zd-o_NkgGcKKS-3g3qA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiPr7Wawo7TAhUm5oMKHW6kCMgQ6AEIQjAJ#v=onepage&q=Mick%20Jagger%20and%20Keith%20Richards%20visited%20the%20Ealing%20Club&f=false

https://rockinsociety.wordpress.com/2013/01/19/200/

https://ultimateclassicrock.com/mick-jagger-keith-richards-met-brian-jones/

https://www.post-gazette.com/ae/books/2014/11/30/Paint-it-black-Brian-Jones-The-Making-of-the-Rolling-Stones/stories/201411300179

https://www.villagevoice.com/2019/07/03/when-the-angels-and-400000-others-said-goodbye-to-brian-jones/

https://books.google.com/books?id=SvuiDwAAQBAJ&pg=PT336&lpg=PT336&dq=brian+jones+five+pound+note&source=bl&ots=A2Z3-2WKrk&sig=ACfU3U25rObwcTlgfYBh_WvD_DqTQCSwpw&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiT8NL66aflAhWVpp4KHU6PAGUQ6AEwFHoECAoQAQ#v=onepage&q=brian%20jones%20five%20pound%20note&f=false

https://books.google.com/books?id=SnjZCwAAQBAJ&pg=PA112&lpg=PA112&dq=brian+jones+five+pound+note&source=bl&ots=tJhp59sj7C&sig=ACfU3U3tjfdMLOmX8wisSoKI7zWDMgFAkw&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiT8NL66aflAhWVpp4KHU6PAGUQ6AEwEnoECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=brian%20jones%20five%20pound%20note&f=false

https://londonist.com/london/features/is-dartford-the-most-rock-n-roll-town-in-england

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1964/03/14/melody-maker-would-you-let-your-sister-go-with-a-rolling-stone/

http://www.criminalelement.com/reich-and-roll-a-degree-of-murder-german-1967-film-movie-murder-cannes-rolling-stones-brian-jones-anita-pallenberg-brian-greene/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/2013/07/06/anna-wohlin-talks-about-brian/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/2005/11/16/anna-wohlin-talks-to-the-independent/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/2005/03/31/dawn-young-interviewed-by-beatzenith-com/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1968/05/11/child-of-the-moon-promotional-video/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1981/06/23/suki-potier-passes-away-aged-33/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1985/12/12/ian-stewart-passes-away-aged-47/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1965/09/14/anita-pallenberg-meets-brian-jones-backstage-at-circus-krone/

https://www.crfashionbook.com/celebrity/a22115807/anita-pallenberg-the-rolling-stones-brian-jones-keith-richards/

https://www.theguardian.com/music/2017/jun/14/anita-pallenberg-anything-but-a-passenger-on-the-stones-journey

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/why-anita-pallenberg-rolling-stones-muse-was-queen-of-the-underground-204744/

https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/entertainment/music/sd-et-music-anita-pallenberg-20170613-story.html

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/anita-pallenberg-knew-swinging-sixties/

https://www.alainelkanninterviews.com/anita-pallenberg/

https://www.earcandymag.com/rrcase-brianjones.htm

https://www.theolivepress.es/spain-news/2016/09/20/rolling-stones-guitarist-brian-jones-played-to-gib-monkeys/

https://www.nytimes.com/1994/10/16/books/sex-and-drugs-and-mick-and-keith.html

http://www.angelfire.com/rock3/sixtiesfish/mybrian/briongysin.htm

https://ultimateclassicrock.com/brian-jones-jimi-hendrix/

https://borntolisten.com/2018/01/21/january-21-the-jimi-hendrix-experience-recorded-all-along-the-watchtower-in-1968/

http://www.angelfire.com/rock3/sixtiesfish/1menu.html

http://www.covermesongs.com/2014/03/the-story-behind-jimi-hendrixs-all-along-the-watchtower.html

https://ultimateclassicrock.com/45-years-ago-jimi-hendrix-records-all-along-the-watchtower/

http://www.angelfire.com/rock3/sixtiesfish/mybrian/montereypop.htm

https://borntolisten.com/2018/01/21/january-21-the-jimi-hendrix-experience-recorded-all-along-the-watchtower-in-1968/

https://www.drugs.com/sfx/miltown-side-effects.html

http://drugcentre.org.za/depressants/Mandrax

https://www.healthline.com/health/diazepam-oral-tablet

https://www.earcandymag.com/rrcase-brianjones.htm

https://books.google.com/books?id=Gjb4f0r-w-wC&pg=PA97&lpg=PA97&dq=brian+jones+pleurisy&source=bl&ots=NdTTzPABYY&sig=ACfU3U2YxBHFesJEFGLYfLiky7QV4Ju7BA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjanv3csLPlAhWIr54KHYhgClgQ6AEwF3oECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=brian%20jones%20pleurisy&f=false

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Black%20Bombers

http://www.drugworld.co.uk/drugs-amphetamine.html

https://nostalgiacentral.com/pop-culture/fads/drugs-in-the-1960s/

https://www.drugs.com/valium.html

https://nostalgiacentral.com/pop-culture/fads/drugs-in-the-1960s/

https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/allergy-asthma/a7354/piriton-chlorphenamine/#side%20effects

https://tonydagostino.co.uk/history-of-amphetamine-methamphetamine/

http://www.keno.org/rolling_stones/brian_jones_keith_richards.htm

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Stones_in_the_Park

http://977rocks.com/bill-wyman-slams-jagger-richards-for-not-giving-brian-jones-his-due-06232015/

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/keith-richards-on-brian-jones-mick-jagger-and-the-new-memoir-life-52581/

https://www.drugaware.co.za/mandrax.html

27: A History of the 27 Club through the Lives of Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse by Howard Sounes

Life by Keith Richards

Stone Alone by Bill Wyman

Brian Jones, The Untold Life and Mysterious Death of a Legend by Laura Jackson

Brian Jones: The Making of the Rolling Stones by Paul Trynka

Crossfire Hurricane (2012) dir. Brett Morgen

https://findadeath.com/brian-jones/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Jones

27: Robert Johnson by Chris Salewicz

27: Brian Jones by Chris Salewicz

https://www.thevintagenews.com/2018/01/20/crossroads-robert-johnson/

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1353783/Being-Brian-Joness-son-greatest-thing-happened-me.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rolling_Stones

#27 club #robert johnson #brian jones #blues #rock and roll #rolling stones #mick jagger #keith richards #charlie watts #bill wyman #anita pallenberg #Marianne Faithful #cw: drug abuse #cw: death

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sweepseven · 5 years

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AO3 author meme

AO3 Name: svecounia

Fandoms: Cirque du Soleil, Mad Max Fury Road Number of Fics: 27 honestly how did that happen

1. Fic you spent the most time on: Borderline Suspect by the longest possible shot. I honestly never expected to finish.

2. Fic you spent the least time on: Creation. Came and went quick as a fever dream.

3. Longest fic: Borderline Suspect again and I doubt I’ll ever surpass it.

4. Shortest fic: Birthright. I originally only posted it to Tumblr but eventually moved it over because I liked the concept so much. I’d love to explore a war-trained Chief Archer’s Daughter more at some point, and I’d kill to see her character in the show move in that direction one day.

5. Most hits: Downpour.

6. Most kudos: Also Downpour. I’m not active in MMFR fandom anymore but god, what a supportive group.

7. Most comment threads: Borderline Suspect thanks to one truly generous anon. I put so much love and work into that one and they really made it feel worth it.

8. Fave fic you wrote: Passing Curiosity, Borderline Suspect’s precursor. Never imagined this idea would stick with me as much as it did, god damn. Complicated, uncertain, and/or unrequited feelings are so much fun. And I often love what comes before a relationship more than the relationship itself, so this is my favorite kind of tension to write. It has a special place in my heart because I’ve never enjoyed a ship more, and this was the moment it dawned on me that shit, it could actually work.

I’m also very fond of Warsong - the research was tons of fun and exploring each character was a delight, especially Coma.

9. Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: Almost Absolution could probably use a facelift. I wrote it right after I’d seen Ka for the first time, I didn’t have many resources besides my own memories, and my characterization has settled a lot since then. I’m kind of afraid to look at it though, so there it sits. Sweet Tangerine suffers the same symptoms - my voice was so different then. When I wish there was a way to hide fic on AO3 without deleting them, I think of these two.

Diligent Note-Taking deserves another chapter. Maybe one day. 😈

10. Share a bit of a WIP or share a story idea you’re planning: I’ve got like five on simmer but here’s one that’s gotten the most attention lately:

"This is where you put them to work," she continued even as her voice threatened to crack. "You held them and forced them into these cages…." She glanced upwards again at the massive axle, its arms empty of their counterweights, and a violent shudder ran through her.

"What would you have me do, Jimaya? Shall I turn back time for you?" Rensai's voice was suddenly close, and she realized he'd come back a few paces to meet her beneath the mill. The torchlight sharpened his features and darkened his eyes. "If you find it unpleasant, then you should not have come. You knew where we were going."

"I didn't think we'd—"

"That was ignorant," he cut her off coldly, turning away again. "You can't gut a beast and avoid its bones. Linger here or follow. We don't have what we came for yet."

#if you're writing then I want to read your answers to these!!!!#and also your fic

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chelsorz07 · 6 years

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I posted these as asks four years ago and never got to answer any so

THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE SEEING THESE FROM ME, DIDN’T YA? Me too, I’m so sorry

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Hair.

2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? I have like two cups of coffee a month but have only drank booze twice in the past year so coffee I guess.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Many times.

4. Do you plan outfits? Sometimes I’ll want to wear a specific shirt but it’s rarely ever clean and I never pick out clothes sooner than right before my shower.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Tired but I still have to put the garbage out before I can go to bed and my neck and knees are killing me so I can’t get off the couch. But I’m in an okay mood.

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? Throw pillow.

7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body? Idk I’d like to say I’d be a badass about it but honestly I’d probs scream.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I legit don’t remember. I dream every night but they usually fly right out of my head when I wake up.

9. Three of your current feelings? Tired, hungry, in pain.

10. What are you craving right now? Cheeseburger and onion rings.

11. Turn ons? Um...intelligence, wit, shoulders, eyes, ginger beards.

12. Turn offs? Arrogance, chauvinism, people who don’t like cats.

13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Coleslaw.

14. When was the last time you cried? Why? I was doing a concert in my living room last night, as I often do, and some of the songs got me a little emosh.

15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be? Black Widow or Loki.

16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? No but she did change the way she treated me so I’m taking that for what it is.

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I don’t eat ice cream because it hurts my teeth no matter which method of eating I use.

18. Favorite movie ever? Bring it On.

19. Do you like yourself? Depends on the day. Actually it changes even more frequently than that.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? Many. None will top Jensen Ackles though. Well. Except Misha. Note the double entendre lol

21. Could you handle being in the military? I definitely could not. I’m also too old to enlist even if I wanted to.

22. What are you listening to right now? Walking Dead, season 1 episode 2. Because every time I start the series over, I pick up from episode 3 since I don’t really care about anyone but Daryl until Jesus happens. But today I felt like a refresher from the beginning.

23. How many countries have you visited? I went to Canada once.

24. Are your parents strict? They were while I was being raised. Then my little sister had like no rules.

25. Would you go sky diving? No way.

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Hell yeah.

27. Whats on your mind right now? I’m really just trying to gather the motivation to get up and pee, then take the garbage out so I can go to sleep.

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone? Ehh not really.

29. Have you ever been in a castle? No but I would tour the shit out of some if I had the opportunity.

30. Do you rent movies often? Almost never because who does that anymore? But we did just rent Mile 22 from the Redbox a few weeks ago. It was pretty meh for Wahlberg.

31. Whats your zodiac sign? Leo.

32. When was the last time you had sex? A month ago. Purely by circumstance. My husband is currently on week four of a five week work rotation in Texas.

33. Name five facts about yourself. Lord. I have rapidly deteriorating joints and it fucking hurts everywhere all the time. I’ve spent the past 48 hours going back through my entire tumblr, over 300 pages. I only make homemade mac n cheese, not boxed. I’m almost finished rereading every Desus fic on AO3 for the second time (some more than two but I mean going through literally every page). One of my cats is sitting above my head and purring really loudly and another is sitting to my left snoring.

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened? Got caught driving in a blizzard. Spun off the road several times, including once off of an on-ramp. Like do not enter, wrong direction. If I hadn’t made it to the hotel right next to the on-ramp I really would’ve been fucked.

35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny? Not really.

36. Brown or white eggs? White.

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? Most of my material possessions are from the hot topical, yes. Clothes, jewelry, funkos, makeup, miscellaneous other merch. It’s like a lot.

38. Ever been on a train? I have not.

39. Ever been in love? I am.

40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it? I hate this question. Of course I want a million dollars. But I’ve always wanted to stay in a haunted house anyway.

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with? JJ Ackles. Except that I wouldn’t wish my life on her. Can we just be siblings instead?

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it? I’m already attractive. And my life expectancy isn’t that high as it is.

43. Whom do you admire and why? My husband because he does crazy shit like work 35 days in a row when he’s only supposed to work 14 just to make sure all our bills are paid and we have savings because I’m too crippled to work at all right now.

44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child? I didn’t get bedtime stories.

45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do? I am literally capable of doing nothing, except maybe let her use my phone to call 911 if she hasn’t already.

46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? No. I can’t even choose my own profession.

47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? Idk about best but my most recent one was pretty good. I hadn’t had alcohol in over a year but a few weeks ago my sister turned 21 and we had family game night at my parents’ house so I got a little buzzed on some grapefruit White Claws and for about four hours I wasn’t in physical pain. Plus we all had a really good time just hanging out and playing games and everybody got along. That has 100% never happened in my family before. Also the last time I smoked weed, which was MANY years ago, like 6 or 7, it had the same effect and reduced my joint pain.

48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol? Worst with drugs was the night I smoked an entire joint just in my living room alone and it must have been strong shit because I threw up immediately. Worst experience drinking was probably all of 2010.

50. As you’re walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it? Probs I’m desperate and not that great of a person.

51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them? Yes? WTF kind of question is that? It’s 2019, AIDS isn’t cooties.

52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger? Depends what kind of pistol. If it’s a revolver you can see the rounds in the barrel.

53. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 20.

54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? Nope. Well I still haven’t ruled out ghosts but I also know how to dispatch them so.

55. If you could live forever, would you want to? HELL naw.

56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are? Janice Ian.

57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? We love a renaissance.

58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? Probably.

59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? Not even for like a day.

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to? Yes. I want a girl. Come for me.

61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy? I want that money beech.

#not spn #personal #about me #bring back myspace surveys 2k19 #i probably won't do any more though

14 notes · View notes

fightingorcavingintodepression · 6 years

Text

1/16/17 5:17 pm

I had my first panic attack I've had in a long time. I've gotten so bad at work my manager called me at 10AM and left a voicemail. I called him back and said I had a Doctors appointment and forgot to send out an email to the team. I hate lying, but i can’t realistically say I'm suicidal and won't even get out of bed every morning.

I ran to the bathroom and started dry-heaving for a good 2-3 minutes. Then I laid down on my bed and felt like crying, and then Stayed there for nearly another hour.

Kill me.

1/20/17

I'm eating lunch by myself at 3:06 on Friday. I've only hit myself a few times today. I ordered and shipped a present to Shara and it should get there tomorI'mrow, but today is her birthday. I deleted my Facebook and haven't been posting on tumblr, so I'm avoiding everything. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I'm going to stop typing because I'm tearing up in the restaurant. I'm pushing all of my friends away. I saw Selina last weekend and it was so awkward. I can't even hang out with my best friend without it being awkward. I want to kill myself.

Please let me die in an accident.

10:56 pm I want to keep hitting myself until I don't wake up.

1/25/17 Wednesday 11:39pm

I'm at McDonald's getting a milkshake and food. I've "worked" from home the past three days because I don't wake up till 9 or 10. That's a lie, I'll wake up and hit snooze, but won't force myself into up. On Monday I stayed online till 11:30 and then said o had a doctors appointment and was gong to wfh the rest of the day, but the last two days I haven't even sent anything out. I deserve to get fired. My depression is destroying me.

1/26/17 Thursday 2:30pm

I woke up late at 8:50ish and got online. Did the scheduled work for Austin and once that was finished, drove into the office and got in at about 10:30 (I think). I ate lunch at my desk and I've gone back and forth to the bathroom and just sat. Only work I've done today is finally send an email I've needed to for weeks. Mom asked me to call her at lunch and I finally said I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. I told her I'd decide on a weekend and give her a call tonight, but I'm not sure I can. It's now 2:48. I've been in the bathroom almost 20 minutes.

2/16 4:29pm

I woke up at 3:30 am and stayed awake, but then fell asleep and didn't get online from home until about 9:40. Came into the office about 12:40. I've done maybe an hours worth of work. I really hate myself. When driving into work nearly had an accident from someone driving recklessly and me not just letting them pass me. They cut to my right into a lane for cars getting on and drove on the side of the road to pass me since I didn't slow down. The driver even had people (possibly kids) in the back of their car. I hate myself, but that person as well if they can justify that type of driving that also may harm their own kids, let alone other people. I started yelling again in my car...it's getting worse.

I hit myself again this morning in the shower.

2/17 12:18am

I can see myself committing suicide within the next year. Depending if I don't get better, maybe not till after my parents pass.

2/20 12:33pm

I didn't get up again today (Monday) until 9:50 and log online. Then finally came in to the office about 10 minutes ago. Off to a bad start of the week. I should be fired. I did "clean" a good portion of my apartment yesterday because at&t suppose to be coming this week. It's still a terrible mess, but you can finally see the floor now. Next is the kitchen.

1:04pm - eating lunch by myself at wich which. Postponing going back to the office. Not sure if taking these notes is beneficial, or even a smart idea (hint, it's not)

2/21 12:31pm

Late again. Thinking of working from home tomorrow. Getting worse. Really worse. Spent too much money yesterday on gifts I'll probably never give.

2/24 11:52am

It's my birthday. Today hasn't been a bad day.

2/28 12:15 pm

In training. Feeling useless. My back is also killing me. Have my APA later today. Guess I'll find out how badly I'm doing or if we'll just pretend I'm doing fine when it's obvious I'm not. Not likely I'll get fired since I'm an ITA, but don't know. Just haven't been given a warning or anything

3/13 12:48pm

I'd been doing okay for a little while. Starting to get worse again. Started saying things again. Didn't wake up for work till 9ish. Didn't get in till 11ish. Need to stop. Want to hurt myself. Want to kill myself. Fighting it. Still doing bad. In the bathroom wanting to hit myself. Shara texted about doing stuff this weekend, and I almost want to back out. I'm suppose to do Aerials with gabby tonight, but want to use my weight as an excuse and say I'm over their limit (which may actually be true, but their website doesn't say and no one picked up when I called), or that I don't have the right clothes, or I'm having a panic attack (probably closest to being honest). And one of the other things that's bugging me in the back of my head today I'm hating myself most of all for it even bothering me.

3/20 4:39am

Mild depression acting up. Want to "call/email" out of work. Smacking myself a bit the past day

3/22 6:14pm

Didn't go into work today and haven't done any work so far. Needing to get a report and presentation done before tomorrow. Depression has been really bad this week. Sleep is getting off. Whispering harmful things to myself and hitting myself more often.

3/24 10:44am

I want to hurt myself. I'm doing really badly this week. No point even coming into work. Can tell I'm being replaced in all areas. Went to lunch with people. Faked it. Now I'm back at the office (2:04pm) and hiding in the bathroom. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I want to pass out.

I want to die.

3/25 5:02pm

Doing bad today too. Didn't get up till noon. Went to the park to walk, but had negative thoughts the entire time and it didn't help. Convinced myself to go out to dinner at Las Margaritas that I normally get take out from. I plan to make myself sit in the living room when I get home to get out of my bedroom/bed. It feels pathetic, but right now the smallest things feel like an achievement.

3/27 1:41am

I want to kill myself. I just want it to end. I don't want to hurt my family though. I wish I could make them forget i existed so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

3:06am still lying awake on the couch. The longer I stay awake, the longer I postpone till tomorrow comes.....or that's how it feels. Ready to kill myself.

3/30 8pm

I now weigh 245 pounds. I write this as I sit in line at chick fil-a getting a meal for two people and a milkshake

3/31 6:38

Deleted all of my social media. Specifically tumblr, which I can't reactive. Gone forever.

4/6 1:12pm

Was doing better for a bit because work was busy enough to distract me. Getting too busy now. Think I overheard two people saying they don't want to work with me, and storage team disregards my existence. It's a new feeling when I feel like I'm doing some good work, but know I'm also doing terrible in other areas and people no longer want to work with me. Hitting hard and really want to hurt myself again. I need to make some life choices before I end up committing suicide.

4/7 1:36pm

It might be good to just quit before June. If I sold everything I had, I could pay off all my debt. I'd be left with nothing, but wouldn't leave anything for people to worry about.

4/17 10:21am

So overwhelmed.

4/19 9:08am

Sitting on toilet at home. So overwhelmed at work. Can't get anything done and nothing is going right.

6/1 11:02am Thursday

Hadn't been in the office in almost a week. Had Friday off and Monday for Memorial Day, but lied and said Tom had knee surgery on Tuesday and then wfh on Wednesday. Getting bad again. Realized I hadn't been writing in here for a month and a half. Not sure if that's a good win or not, since I mostly only remember to when I'm getting bad again.

6/25 2:15am

Depression getting bad again. Suicide would be nice. Just want it all to end. If I could sleep for a year, I'd take it.

6/27 12:40pm

Didn't go into work until almost 11 yesterday. Working from home today. Can't even answer a phone call. Have a meeting at 2 and then will probably shower as unavailable the rest of the day.

6/28 3:06pm

Woke up at 5 and still didn't go into work today. Stayed showing as away all day and said I had issues with Skype and car issues

7/14 12:50pm

JB texted me asking if I was off. I should just kill myself. Lying through my teeth. His pa

7/18 3:28am Tuesday

I want to die in an accident so no one I care about thinks it was a suicide.

7/20 1:59pm

Didn't go into work until 12 today. While I was in the shower, my phone range and I just started cursing thinking it was my manager. Already had my lie made up going to say my car stalled this morning coming into work. Didn't have my phone (which is why I didn't pick up if it was them), but luckily a cop pulled over and called a tow truck....

Haven't had to use my lie yet, but going to use parts of it tonight to get out of going to a coworkers house for game night.

I really hate myself.

I need to call in my medicine to see if they'll prescribe it again, even if it doesn't seem like it's helping.

7/31 9:04pm

In line at Taco Bell. Didn't go into work today or Friday. Meant to send an email saying I was taking my mom to doctors and would be back Tuesday, but overslept and didn't bother. Don't want to go in tomorrow either. I haven't been replying to Shara and I feel terrible, but I'm not in a good place either. Hadn't been replying to family until Mom called worried and acted like I just forgot to hit send on some texts. It's easier to act like nothing is wrong with people who don't know I'm not good mentally. I saw a post on Tumblr that describe what I'm feeling. I'm pushing people away so it's easier when I want to kill myself.

9/5 11:42am

Moved to new apartment. Enjoying it so far. Had a 5 day weekend from labor/took Thursday and Friday off to move. 1st day back at work and already feeling overwhelmed and counting down till 4:30. Kill myself creeping inside my head again.

9/21 10:02am

Want to die. Want to die. I just really want to die. Kill myself. Kill myself. I'm so tempted to kill myself. I'd make it look like an accident so not to hurt my family. But I need to find homes for Yen and Shani, or plan accordingly. Could drop them at a shelter, but include some cash to help care for them (1k?). Then someone who is a good person, but just had money trouble would take them. I'm not sure I'll live 15+ years to outlive them. I take that back; I know I won't. I don't even know sometimes if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm not actually making any attempts or plans to do it, but every time I walk in to work or leave, I hope a car hits me. Kill me kill me I just want to die.

10/18 9:52am

Overslept and didn't go into work today. "Working" from home online. Depression episode kicking in again. I just want to die.

10/31 Tuesday 12:02pm

Didn't get into work until 11 today. Called into the 8:30 conference and answered some emails to appear like I was working, but hardly got out of bed. ~Read back through some of these notes just now and now I've got in the back of my head the idea of starting to hit myself again. I know this is a downward slope, but really want to go to the bathroom stall and do it anyways just so I don't feel numb. It's lunchtime, so no one should be there to hear it. ~~I ended up going to get rubber bands and paper clips instead. Still hit myself s few times, but people kept coming into the restroom while I was in the stall.~

11/1 2:16 pm

In drivethru for chick-fil-a. Working from home rest of week probably. My anger is terrible. Called someone a cunt in the drivethru for honking and it wasn't even at me. My window was down, so think the person in front of me may have heard. I'm a terrible person and hate myself.

11/16 9:14am Thursday

Just got into work. Feel exhausted and drained as always. Just noticed it’s coming up on a year in January when I started making these notes. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing better or not. I’d say I’m not. Definitely not.

12/5/17 2:36pm

It’s a Tuesday, and I’d not been in the office for two weeks (11/21) between workin from home on Wednesday because thanksgiving was the next day, off Thursday and Friday, and then all last week I just never came in. Yesterday I “worked” from home, and today I didn’t get in till about 12. And the only thing I wanted to think about while walking into work because I forgot my headphones and couldn’t drown out the thoughts with music was how I wanted to kill myself. I have a meeting from 3-4 with new agile team (honestly probably only real reason I forced myself into the office). I wonder how fake I can present myself today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly interactive and mostly just informational.

1/14/18 11:27pm

I didn’t go into work at all last week. Was online only Monday for the entire day, and then Wednesday for the day on do-not-disturb. Skipped Tuesday and Wednesday completely though. Need to force myself to go into the office tomorrow. I hate myself. So much to catch up on. I cleaned a bit of the apartment, but still need to do more. My oncall starts next week, and I pray it’s quiet.

1/22/18 3:10am

Won’t go to bed because then the morning comes faster. I’m oncall this week and I just pray nothing happens at all. Even one ticket. Please don’t. I think I have an appointment this Friday about my antidepressants, but honestly I’m not sure. Please let me be left alone this week and work from home. I’ll even make sure I get work done.

1/23/18 12:30am

I’m pathetic at work.

2/4/18 6:43pm Sunday

Out grocery shopping. Tried to do small talk. Wanted to help bag like I do sometimes, but not doing well, so just awkwardly typing this on my phone. I HAVE to get work done when I get home, but haven’t been doing well. I’ll be lucky if I get anything done or I do it in the middle of the night (especially with my sleep schedule).

2/5/18 11:52am

Didn’t get anything done last night, but was able to wake up early and get it submitted by 8 (only one other person has anything uploaded so far). What pisses me off is another teammate setup a meeting at 2 with no heads up. That little amount of time and a same day meeting? Fuck that shit. I’ll attend, but doubt John will and don’t blame him. I said I was going to the doctor earlier, so purposely missed the one actual meeting I had today. Couldn’t get out of bed. Hate myself. Submitted a service request for the lights to be fixed in my apartment, so that’s the one useful thing I’ve done. I was wrong, John did accept. I hate myself.

5/7/18 Monday 8:59am

On the train in to work. Only going in for the ITA orientation and then probably leaving. Probably will stay an hour to get hibachi for lunch and then leave. I’m oncall this week. Please please please don’t have any tickets or sde’s after hours. Please god. Just this once. I’ve been doing so well with my depression, but the last week and a half it’s been dipping again and I’m afraid. On the chart at my therapy office, id finally for the first time dipped below the number for being depressed! I know I’ll always have depression and depression slumps, but it’s scary going back into my first one after doing well for almost two months. I don’t want to go back into that. I really don’t. Please just don’t have my oncall this week go badly. Dear god, just please don’t. I don’t want to breakdown in tears from anxiety this week. Make my next oncall worse, but just let me not have to worry about anything this week. Please.

5/7/18 Monday 11:21am

Doing better mentally once I got in the office and moving. It’s sad how easily that change can happen. You’d think I’d be happy, but just makes me realize how easily I can drop again. Part of me knows I could stay at the office and continue working, but the other half doesn’t care. I’m eating hibachi and then taking the train home.

5/10/18 1:02pm

Finishing up lunch at hisaki and then going into office. Have to recount all of the WebLogic VM counts manually.....

All the work before I did is basically useless.

Time to go through 400+ (maybe less since a good number are in the shared environment) and find out their host count. I shouldn’t really be complaining. Just didn’t want to have to do/worry about anything till after my vacation.

Now it’s 1:32 and I’m sitting in the toilet just waiting for the day to end. Shoot myself shoot my self I just want to shoot my self.

5/23 5:12pm

Felt sick the past few days. Worked from home. Throat is killing me, but in line at McDonald’s and going to get

5/25 Friday 11:27am

Hardly worked at all this week. Ignored a voicemail to call back my PO. Work is frustrating me.

I just hit myself for the first time in a long time again. Chest, face, head. It felt good

5:57pm clenching my fists in drive through. Want to hurt myself

5/28 Monday 2:04pm Memorial Day off work

At the bbq place getting Togo food. Been in bed all day/all weekend really. Felt sick, but also depressed. Stomach was so upset, didn’t take antidepressants yesterday. Going to take them for today when I get back. Still, I’ve not been doing well at all. Hitting myself more. Mainly the chest. May even do it on the way home. Just feeling numb again. Started reblogging suicidal/depression posts on tumblr again. It’s pathetic. Like a cry for help to the two I know who are on tumblr, but one never acknowledges them, and the other rarely gets on anymore. I have therapy this Friday (o think?) and have no improvement to speak of to the doctor. Overslept one from depression, but rescheduled the last one due to work issues. Slit my throat. Want to die. Let it end. Started singing those little tunes to myself the last week or two. Want to hurt myself. Really just want to drop dead from an accident. Get someone to take care of my cats, and then my family won’t think it’s a suicide.

6/12 10:59am Tuesday

Sitting at train station going into work. Just got back from surgery follow up and everything is fine. Spent maybe 10 minutes there in total. Now I’m going into work to eat my unhealthy lunch hibachi chicken and soda as always. I’m sad all the team. I have an in person meeting from 2-2:50, but will probably leave after that. Unless I ask Carter if he needed help with patching and he says yes, which is why I’m considering if I even should?? Wow, that’s pathetic of me. I only have to make it till EOD Thursday. Then I’ll watch Lily for the weekend, have my therapy session on Friday, and (maybe?) visit Mom and Tom on Sunday.

6/24 Monday 10:46am

I may barely make it into the office for an 11am meeting. This isn’t going to be a good week.

7/3 Tuesday 6:11pm

I missed my medicine twice in the last week (I think? Or only once). But just don’t care to take it anymore since I’ve noticed

7/9 Monday 12:15am

This isn’t gonna be a good week. I can already tell.

7/22 Sunday 1am

Doing patching. Teammates were being fucking useless, so I got offline and said I was having internet issues. It’s been a fucking hour and they’ve not done shit. The job is still hung exactly where it was when I left off. They’ve not tried to do anything at all. There are two more groups that have to run for Linux, and we’re already 2/3 hours of patching there is from 11-2am. Cancel the ticking job you dipshits. I even sent an email basically telling you to!!! I did all the ducking work for you!!! Instead you just sit there for an hour doing nothing!!! Cancel the fucking job!! If it gets to 1:30am and still nothing, I’m sending a follow up email and ccing myself. I’m not even suppose to be in charge here!! They are!!! At least Brandon should be. Daniel is ridiculously new, but clearly knows more, so make the ticking call too, for fuck sake.

- they finally did when I was typing this all out. And of course it was the new kid, not the guy who is a full time employee who should be making the call. Then again, I’m a waste of space too. Just got fed up with them and quit with a bullshit excuse. I’m trash. Now that I’ve calmed down, I hate myself again.

Thursday 7/26 2:54pm

First time I’ve been in the office I think nearing 3 weeks? I’ve not been taking my antidepressants as consistently. So tired all the time. Hardly get out of bed. Didn’t go to therapy last week. I need to call tomorrow to cancel next weeks too unless it’s early in the morning. And also schedule more since I don’t have any after that. And also reschedule one on a different day for my medicine.

Just got off my 3pm call. PO wasn’t there, so I basically lead. Talked for like 5 fucking minutes before my team lead said they’ve been doing it manually the last 4 days. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and out of the loop. I’m definitely not Sr IT analyst ready. I’m just gonna leave work. I hate myself. Put myself on do not disturb and closed my laptop. Ran and caught the train. I’m so ducking fat and out of shape. I should just go skydiving by myself and not pull the parachute. Quick and easy. Could I do it in a body bag so it’s less of a mess for the people who have to clean it up? Sky dive, pull the bag out midair. Put it on and zip it up. Splat. Done. Kaput. 😊

How many weeks vacation do I have? Just use it all at once and disappear. Then when it’s up I just never come back. I wanna jump in front of a car or train, but not okay with the impact it’d have on the person driving. If I jump off mountain, the only person it might hurt is the people who found me? Plus annoy the people who have to clean me up.

Could have a suicide note and send it in so the police can find me easily? Idk. Can’t do anything till my cats are okay.

8/14/18 Tuesday 10:19am

On the train to work. Only going in to have an in person meeting. Didn’t wake up till 9:20 and only jumped up because of the daily Standup call at 9:30. Have patching this week and next. Alex is out the rest of the week, so I’m in charge of Windows....never done it by myself, yet alone enough with someone else to be confident. Need to send out the email as soon as we get Tom’s email tomorrow. Get the jobs running and finish documentation. I think Wednesday only has noreboot servers and is a small window? Hopefully okay.

I’ve not been taking my medication. Haven’t been to the doctors in really long (therapy/antidepressant doctor). I have roughly 35 days to get in better shape/health/mental state before going to Samantha’s to see Welcome to Nightvale. Will it happen? No idea.

Still on the train. 10:27. I feel so num. no emotion at all.

5:49pm - on the train home from work. Got a lot done today, so feel somewhat decent. If I can bury my head in work and actually get stuff done, I won’t notice my depression sometimes.

9/5 Wednesday 10:51 am

Have a big kickoff meeting I’m leading. Has a shit ton of people in it. Don’t feel confident. Stomach is nauseated. Want to hurt myself too. Get it over with. Cut my throat. Let me die. Die die die die.

9/20 Thursday 11:05am

Have barely worked the last week since the hurricane hit and we’re in storm mode. Had my first “shift” start at 6 this morning, and I was the only one in the room. Was a good thing I came in to the office. Actually got some stuff done. Just really tired since I couldn’t get to sleep till 2:30 or 3, and got up at 4:22. Going home right at 2. Today hasn’t been bad, but I’m exhausted and sad at myself for being so fat and out of shape.

Animal crossing

Love Nicky

Clash royal

Good fantasy

9/26 11:53am

On train into work. Have two in-person meetings this afternoon. I regret volunteering to do the ITA stuff. Just added stress with no good outcome. My stomach hurts too. Don’t know if something actually wrong, or just anxiety of everything with work, deciding to go to the BigFix event tomorrow during work hours, and text Samantha lying I can’t come to the show. Too many lies happening at once due to my anxiety. I guess I do have anxiety. My depression making my life difficult makes me have anxiety. God my stomach hurts. Kill me kill me I want to die. Slit my throat just want to die. Just disappear I just want to disappear. First steps I need to take today to help fix my anxiety

1. Call and reschedule therapy as soon as I get off train DONE

2. Talk to Cathy and then John about change freeze issue with Websphere maintenance. Then get communications out. SENT AN EMAIL

3. Prep documentation for ITA meeting at 3. WORKING ON

4. Plan what time to leave tomorrow

5. Text Samantha for details (address, what time I should get there, etc)

6. Plan to drive home after show

Die die die die die die di die die die die die kill me

10/3 Wednesday 2:51pm

I’ve not been into work since last Wednesday, and hardly online all this week. Finally got a text from manager this morning asking what’s up. Ready to kill my self.

10/4 Thursday 1:24pm

On the train into work for a 2pm meeting I’m hosting. I may barely make it in. Barely. Or I’ll be late. Shocker. I’m useless. I look and feel disgusting. Literally just need to know if Cathy will fight if we have to push the qa and prod environment during a change freeze. If not, what will happen if we have pushed test and dev, but can’t push prod/qa for months?? I highly doubt that’s okay.

11/1/2018 Thursday 1:12pm

Waiting for the train. Overslept for therapy and then an important meeting I said I’d be late for, but not miss the entire fucking thing. I’ve pretty much given up on therapy for now. Doesn’t make a difference, and won’t get another appointment for 2-3 months, if they’d even give me one with how many no-shows I’ve done. My stomach acid is killing me.

Have meeting. Schedule jobs for 5. Go eat hibachi. Take train home. Meeting is at 2. Doubt chuck will be there. Cathy may call in or not. Literally just depends if John/srini at there. If not, will be over in 10 minutes. If they are, just keep chugging along with Websphere (need to plan how to do QA and PROD along side OS patching.

Wednesday - do it right after patching for Linux/aix. Try and include windows in the patching, or same scenario.

Do we think it’s worth doing adc/cdc groups still? Or just all at once?

Thursday - Linux/aix I do manually (hit B & C right at 5, and then A when it finishes)

11/29 Thursday 9:25am

Going into the office. I’m just really sad. I’m up to 283lbs without any clothes on. I’m working nights now with patching at work. I’m rude to the point that I don’t even move my bag on the train. It’s just all really sad. It’s not bad enough I’m hurting myself or suicidal thoughts, but I’ve just been emotionally numb. I quit taking my medicine for about a week or two, but then noticed an increase in anger, so started taking them again.

12/18 Tuesday 3:39pm

Sitting at a jimmy johns nears my apartment eating. On vacation from work, and watching Lily till Thursday, but I’ve had to be online some because patching still isn’t being covered by the EDC, even though Matt apparently was handling it but clearly didn’t? I’ll be up anyways, so I’m not mad mad, but more just annoyed, because I’m not doing this come January. Pretty depressed though. Sleeping all the time. I weigh over 285lbs now. Maybe I’ll die from a heart attack in 2019? I’ve not been taking my medicine lately, but I’ll run out soon anyways unless I schedule an appointment with my doctor. Definitely see my anger spiking some when I’m not on it while driving or the sorts. Last Friday I went into work and ran into my manager(s) which was good. Talked some, and mentioned about the possibility of moving to Durham. Would be okay, but did mention Charlotte is better career wise, which is true (but I’m okay with that?). I’m just sad all the time still. Apartment is a mess almost always, which isn’t good for the cats. I hardly ever clean their litter boxes, and it’s disgusting for them. Which reminds me I have to take them to the vet. I should call when I get back to schedule something and also clean their litter boxes before anything else.

2/18 10:02am

On my way into work to train one guy on patching, even though I’ll probably be the one having to do it the rest of the week. Was in an accident yesterday. Car hit me from behind. Surprisingly still shaken from it. I’m pathetic. Have to call insurance today since they said they were closed yesterday. Hopefully it’s just visual damage. The bumper popped off a bit, but I don’t know if it can just be popped back into place. I know nothing about cars. Other persons was much worse, but no one was hurt at least. I wish I was hurt. Just kill me. Be done with it all.

Work is never ending stress, this fucking house is too. AND I JUST REMEMBERED IM ON-CALL ALL THIS WEEK FFS. Please let it be quiet. I’m begging you. With all the SDE’s and ongoing stuff, don’t let there be anything for me. Slit my throat.

2/20 Wednesday 2:04pm

Sitting at a car body repair shop getting an estimate by Statefarm. Hopefully should be fine. Work is stressing me out. House is too. I’m responsible for getting the WebLogic patching done, but it’s all up to Srini looking at the problem servers. It’s not fair to him as I’m sure he’s swamped, but he’s the only one who can fix it. Also that one guy who sent that needs to go fuck himself. Passive aggressive fuck. Then with the house. They finally responded saying they want their roofer to take a look, which is fine. Just don’t come back and argue you’re not doing anything. I’m so done with that shit. Just offer to pay half and be done with it. Then my mental health is just terrible. Want to hurt myself. When I get home may take a butter knife or something and hurt myself. Cut my throat. Not even going into the office tomorrow even though I said I would. Fuck Friday. Please be a quiet oncall week. I’m beginning you, just like I do ever time I’m oncall. It’s pathetic. Wish I had cancer instead of Tom. Let me die instead of him. Mom needs him. Just let me die.

It’s Wednesday. Need to make it through the weekend. “Work day” just tomorrow. Have other work to do, but I’m not as worried about the after hour work for IE9 IE11 and office 2010 SP2. Slit my throat slit my throat

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smnthchrstn · 6 years

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All that you haven't answered!

i am much too lazy to go through and see what i haven’t responded to, so i’m just gonna do them all.

1. Are looks important in a relationship? Nope

2. Are relationships ever worth it? Probably

3. Are you a virgin? Okay see my other answers, this is a very long very rambly answer.

4. Are you in a relationship? Nope

5. Are you in love? Nope

6. Are you single this year? I spent a chunk of it in a relationship.

7. Can you commit to one person? Yep

8. Describe your crush I have two. And one’s old enough to be my mom and the other my much older sister. (Does this mean I have a chance with Kate McKinnon?)

9. Describe your perfect mate Someone who is kind, loyal, shares common interests with me, can enjoy a good meme and shares my love of food/can make a grilled cheese please I’m begging you. I just want a decent grilled cheese.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope, not one bit

11. Do you ever want to get married? Probably if the right person comes along

12. Do you forgive betrayal? No I don’t

13. Do you get jealous easily? No I don’t

14. Do you have a crush on anyone? I answered this above ^

15. Do you have any piercings? Nope

16. Do you have any tattoos? Nope

17. Do you like kissing in public? I live in a republican area so it scares me.

20. Do you shower every day? Yep

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Hard no.

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe my cat if I’m lucky.

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Absolutely

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? No, but let fate change my mind.

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? This year? Hard pass. Next year? We’ll see.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? No.

28. Have you ever been cheated on? I have

29. Have you ever cheated on someone? No

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Not on my body, but my hair I have.

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Of course

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Of course

33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Nope

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? See here.

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? Yep

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? No

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yes

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Many

41. Have you had sex so far this year? “Sex”? No

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? My hands are always moving.

43. How long was your longest relationship? Like seven months, but it wasn’t “official”. So like, maybe four months?

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? This question is complicated because I had a lot, but some of my most serious relationships haven’t had a label on them. I’ve dated like officially maybe four people? Unofficially maybe like seven? Six or seven? - three boyfriends and a partner.

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? One.

46. How many times did you have sex last year? See my above answers about sexuality.

47. How old are you? 22

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? I’m your mom, how dare you (to my cat. come on, i don’t give out these deets on tumblr)

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? I don’t have one :P

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? My first like actual love or my boyfriend? Because my first true love didn’t wrong me and my first boyfriend isn’t alive.

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes, my friends. Specifically my best friend, Sabrina. Now she is a ride or die.

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? I’ve given up on a lot of people. I’ve given up on some family this year and I’ve given up on the person I believed to be the love of my life because sometimes people hurt you and you think that’s okay because you love them and don’t want to hurt them. You’re basically sacrificing yourself for others and that’s not okay for you.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? No, no one cares about what I do haha

54. Is there someone you will never forget? Always

55. Share a relationship story. This one time my ex partner drove me home on the fourth of July and no one else had been driving on the highway at that time. We were holding hands and listening to Celine Dion and I kept pointing out all the fireworks I could see from the highway with this childlike amazement. It was a movie moment and I have enough of those to fill a book. It was the beginning of a wild adventure, one that I’m sure I could’ve continued on for a very long time.

56. State 8 facts about your body 1) I have scars on my shoulders from a severe sunburn. 2) I have a freckle on my left wrist (heard from twitter that’s really gay) 3) I have a small triangular scar on my right hand from burning myself on the oven. 4) My shoulders are covered in freckles. 5) My eyes are “green with gold specks” 6) I’m somewhere around 5′7 or 5′8 7) My hair is naturally a dark blonde, but I’ve dyed it black and or brown for the past four years. 8) I had my hair chemically straightened when I was twelve. I did it twice, it was a long and painful process. I did it due to bullying and have since grown to learn how to deal with my wavy hair.

57. Things you want to say to an ex Yikes baby, you missed out on a lifetime of love and support. Big yikes.

58. What are five ways to win your heart? 1) Trust. Being able to trust you and know you aren’t going to just up and walk away one day. Knowing I can count on you, that we will both be here and amp each other up or celebrate each other’s accomplishments. 2) Attentive. Listening to everything you have to say and you listening to what I have to say. 3) Learning and growing together. Someone who over time wants to grow with me, not against me or before me or worrying about my life or what my next move is. Let me grow and let yourself grow and we will grow beautifully together. 4) Loyalty. Betrayal sucks. 5) This sounds really dumb but common interests are super important. I hope the next person I date likes the same stuff I do. That’s always worked out for me.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? I think two years. In my last relationship we were about 16 months apart in age. So I guess not quite two. But usually it’s two years older or two years younger.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? Eyes and hair.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Sexiest? I’m answering these out of order but see the foreplay question.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”? Doing something that is intimate for you, the other person, or both of you together. It can be defined in so many ways.

64. What is your definition of cheating? It isn’t just physical, cheating can be emotional and I think a lot of people let that slide. If you’re engaging with another person in a romantic or sexual sense emotionally or physically, that is cheating.

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? Haha okay neck kissing. Neck kissing makes me weak. Certain places make me weak. Stomach, thighs, neck - yep. And for me on the other end, I like touching arms and shoulders and hands.

66. What is your favourite roleplay? I have never done that. Never did that with another person in that way. Surprisingly.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date? If you like the person enough literally any scenario will be a perfect date.

68. What is your sexual orientation? My sexuality is lesbian and demisexual. And explained (for me) that means I’m gay and I won’t do anything intimate until I know the person’s soul and love them. (attraction develops with emotional bond for me)

69. What turns you off? Dirt under fingernails, overconfidence, instability toward others, impatience, mostly traits.

70. What turns you on? Trust, loyalty, kindness, tattoos, sensitivity to feelings.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? No kinky wet dreams here.

72. What words do you like to hear during sex? “I love you” preferably lol always need that #reassurance

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? I’m extremely easy to impress. Like a playlist is the best way.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? None.

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Played me songs that reminded them of me or performed songs for me in the car that they meant for me. That used to be a favorite of mine.

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? I used to write my ex notes and stick them to their fridge or in their bag to read when I left.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? When the younger person is older it feels more idk acceptable to me. Like a teenager and an adult, that’s not a consensual adult relationship I don’t approve of, of course. But I love older women (all women tbh) and could see it happening once I’m a bit older.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret? It’s not really a secret but I love watching people smoke because it’s the hottest thing ever, even though I know it’s terrible.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Some family members harassed me on Christmas Eve and it made me jealous that they always seem to get away with questionable behavior. (More agitated than jealous)

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? My friend on her birthday.

81. Who are five people you find attractive? Sarah Paulson, Hannah Hart, Kate McKinnon, Kristen Stewart, and Courteney Cox.

82. Who is the last person you hugged? I have no idea.

83. Who was your first kiss with? My first boyfriend.

84. Why did your last relationship fail? The person I dated stopped loving me.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? Yes

#long post #there's some not so suitable text in this but it is what it is #don't look if you don't want to see that #personal tag.#asks #thank you very much for asking this was a lot emotionally i didn't realize #alurous

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edgywords · 3 years

Text

I posted 7,257 times in 2021

320 posts created (4%)

6937 posts reblogged (96%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 21.7 posts.

I added 498 tags in 2021

#dsmp - 89 posts

#dream smp - 88 posts

#dsmp spoilers - 84 posts

#c!tommy - 69 posts

#c!sam - 43 posts

#tommyinnit - 32 posts

#awesamdude - 27 posts

#dsmp tommy - 25 posts

#/lh - 22 posts

#c!awesamdude - 19 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#he said ‘i’m gonna kill you then i’m gonna revive you and i’m gonna kill you again’ and chased him with an axe all night nearly killing him

My Top Posts in 2021

I think about C!Jack Manifold a normal, healthy amount. I don’t think about 80 days spent alone drinking himself to a haze in an empty hotel, clinging to consciousness with his vision blacking out as he stumbled around, reminiscing on the past. Even if it left him scarred, at least it left him with something. What did he have now? What did he always end up having? Nothing.

There wasn’t a single face around to watch the drunk man wander past. Jack maybe used to think of himself as some sort of zombie, undead and ready to rip the world apart but now he’s leaning towards ghost. Or maybe he’s still human. Human Jack Manifold, except he doesn’t feel like one.

80 days of loneliness. 80 days of giving up. 80 days of despair. 80 days of waiting to see if there’s a flame to still light up inside him. 80 days of trying to ignite that old spite only to sink deeper. 80 days of one more bottle because why not? Someone come and stop him, then. Someone come. 80 days of regret. 80 days 80 days 80 days 80 d

249 notes • Posted 2021-08-17 02:58:02 GMT

C!Jack saw C!Tommy break down into hysterics “I can’t - I can’t - I don’t - I don’t” very early in the conversation and still said Fuck This Child For Being Alive... the little Bitch. Tommy, Listen To My Bombshells. You Are Clearly Rational Right Now. Tommy said “anyway” to move on from the subject of his death and Jack said He’s Dismissing Me As A Person. He Clearly Is Devil-Spawn. I Miss Murdering A 16 Year Old.

266 notes • Posted 2021-03-14 08:27:20 GMT

Honestly at this point tommy can’t even have a villain arc in my eyes. He could do whatever because he’s fed up with everyone and traumatized and I’d be like “go off king!!!! so true bestie <3”

281 notes • Posted 2021-03-08 20:28:22 GMT

*slams fist on table* FUCK me c!tommy has no family my apologism has upgraded

he grew up without a stable family. wilbur may have named him. how young was he that he didn’t even have a NAME.

of course he STEALS and kept the habit. he didn’t have anyone to take care of him and of course he latches onto friends and family figures because he doesn’t HAVE that HAISHSKSJ

every day I apologize for tommyinnit more and more

431 notes • Posted 2021-03-28 20:36:33 GMT

Puffy, with many pages of notes laying on every surface, after Tommy’s been talking for hours: You’ve had such a terrible life, Tommy, I’m so proud of you for reaching out. It’ll take some time to unpack... all of this but I’ll be there! And I appreciate the rundown of everything. You—

Tommy: oh this isn’t my life story or anything. it’s yesterday?

Puffy:

Puffy, softly: what the fuck

547 notes • Posted 2021-05-06 16:18:29 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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above-beneath-betwixt-between · 3 years

Text

I posted 2,016 times in 2021

22 posts created (1%)

1994 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 90.6 posts.

I added 46 tags in 2021

#my stuff - 24 posts

#me - 6 posts

#i mean - 3 posts

#delete later - 2 posts

#small streamer - 2 posts

#nsfw? - 2 posts

#my face - 2 posts

#twitch stream - 2 posts

#bruh - 2 posts

#yoink 2 off 27 to make 25 - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 127 characters

#i nearly went through with moving to the lakes and working at wordsworth's house last year so best not keep thinking about this

My Top Posts in 2021

Spent the beginning of this month skulking around Kensington and pretending to live there, and I don’t know whether it’s because Newcastle is generally more miserable or the fact that my last few days in London were the last few hot days before the Autumn kicked in but I do be really missing it :(

2 notes • Posted 2021-10-16 22:19:28 GMT

okay so not to be a star wars simp on main, because I’ve managed to restrain myself thus far, but in Mando season 2, the thigh strength that Fennic has to have to push that boulder and crush those stormtroopers on Typhon is making me have some 👀thoughts👀 at the minute

3 notes • Posted 2021-06-04 12:42:44 GMT

Chunky punk! Chunky punk! Chunky punk!

Honestly? Super weird that this is what makes me feel the most nonbinary I’ve ever felt, feels strange man

5 notes • Posted 2021-04-13 12:37:03 GMT

Hot take: I’ll never get over Rex in 1x7 of Bad Batch. I miss him so much. He deserves so much better, that sweet handsome man.

7 notes • Posted 2021-06-23 19:32:51 GMT

Cham and Eleni Syndulla really do just be out here being devastatingly attractive. Walking proof that anyone with even an ounce of anti-imperial or revolutionary spirit in them is hot immediately.

15 notes • Posted 2021-07-09 13:48:15 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #hmmmmmmm #3 of my top 5 posts being star wars simping?#horrifying #my stuff

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fourteenacross · 7 years

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2017 Fic Year in Review

2017 in fic! I still have to get used to this looking so different to how it looked from like, 2007 to 2015. I also did a lot of like...weird not!quite!fic things? Which I’m counting in my word count, just because I did put thought into them? But I’m not sure if I should? I don’t know. Anyway, I’ve had two glasses of champagne and a glass of red wine, so WHATEVER. Hamilton: Ghosthunters full-length fic Birthday Shots (2069) Commercialism, Merit Badges, and Liquid Courage (8179) Communicable (24382) Well Deserved Recognition (3738) Truth or Dare, Jungle Juice, and a Linen Closet (8532) Q&A Saturday - June 6, 2015 (1120) everyone must breathe until their dying breath (116,690*)

Ghosthunters ficlets: Mattie and Alex texting (1708) John and Francis at boarding school (794) Washington after the air grows cold around me and you (423) August 14 (573) Molly and the haunted chair (1159) Laf's sad Christmas (1656) John on the phone with his dad (1543) John's PoV on Alex's birthday body shots (1606) Alex and John's tattoo (2326) John at the beginning of but i won't go far away (1032) John draws Alex (1888) John is reckless (2036) John explains his tattoo (1307) John and Alex eat poptarts in bed (1924) Jo and Mattie, Jo realizes she's in love (715) John's birthday and turtles (1275)

Ghosthunters apocrypha: John's in the hospital (840) The Schuyler-Hamilton-Laurenses get a dog (332) July 12 (1634) August 27 (1535) November 24 (4020)

Three sentence ficlets: Herc and breakfast (129) Angelica leaving for London (canon fic) (133) John falling in love (102) Alex and art (119) Ghosthunters + tetanus shots (161) Eliza, first day of summer (113) Laf meeting George and Martha for the first time (180) John, first kiss with a boy (165) Burr, drunk and alone (172) John and Francis, getting together (164)

Ghosthunters Not!Fic: John and Mattie, fake dating (2563)

Non-Ghosthunters Hamilton fic: John and Alex share a bed on a roadtrip (2396) Supplemental not!fic to the above (2497) Alex and John on the dance floor with a surprise slow song (2038) Alex and John, almost drowning (3076) Supplement to the above (2335)

Not!Fic: John and his ghost boyfriend (4555) John and Alex, "summer in the city" roommates for a summer internship AU (1491) John and Alex, "may we meet again" teen besties meet again as adults and fall in love AU (2347) Hamilton noir AU, "we get the job done" (1522) Alex and John, "the world turned upside down" BFFs -> lovers AU (6161) Fem4Ham, "helpless" soulmate AU (6613)

Gravity Falls: Mabel, first crush on a girl (118)

Great Comet Not!Fic: Sonya, No One is Alone (756)

MCU: Sam and Steve and trick-or-treaters (467)

Grand Total Fandoms: 4 Total Full Length Fic: 7 Total Ficlets: 46 Grand Total Stories: 53 Grand Total Word Count: 235,409*

* I'm including all the words of the ghosthunters summer story that I’ve written so far, even the ones that haven’t been posted.

Overall Thoughts: Man, this list looks so long, but it’s still so far off the mark that I had intended to hit.

This was a hard year, creatively. It was for everyone, I think, but after having a really great upswing in 2016 when my meds had leveled out, it felt particularly dire to me, even though I knew I wasn’t alone. It’s hard to absorb that sometimes, you know?

I’m disappointed I didn’t finish this summer story before the end of the year. I was making very good time this summer and cranked out like 60k words on a really good schedule. I took a break for DragonCon and the associated scrambling and packing, and then never got back on the horse. It’s one of those things where I can’t tell if it was self-discipline or brain stuff or exhaustion, but I’m mad at myself all the same, cause I’m like that. I’ve still got another 30k to write and I’m going to try to get back on a schedule and stick to it to push out these last couple scenes, but I still keep kicking myself about the whole thing.

A lot of it comes back to something I was talking about in last year’s round up, which is not having, essentially, @pearlo in this fandom. I spent like, five years sending Erica a constant stream of fic ideas and dialogue snippets and talking out every fic idea and texting her in the middle of the night with AUs and all sorts of other shit and it’s a hard transition to not having that built in. It was how I worked out a lot of issues and also expressed a lot of joy. It feels a little like screaming into a void on here, at times, and while you’re all lovely and I appreciate all your encouragement and feedback, talking about your own work all the time occasionally makes one feel like an egomaniac. So...that’s a thing.

On to more positive things! I really liked doing those sort of not!fic things--it got some of my creative juices flowing when I was blocked on ghosthunters and scratched the itch of starting a zillion stories that I had great ideas for but no time to actually follow to the finish line. Doing ficlet memes and stuff, too, felt really good, taking requests and such. Holding in-person writing dates was super helpful, and having @lisapizza around to occasionally badger into hanging out with me so I could talk about this shit.

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted? I definitely expected to finish more, but numberwise and contentwise. I probably shouldn’t be surprised that I got much less done than I intended, given how weird the whole year has been, but I’m still kind of bummed. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? Hmmmmm....I don’t know that there’s anything that I wouldn’t have predicted? Everything is pretty on par with what I’ve been doing for the past couple years? What's your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? I loved a lot of the stories I wrote this year, because I'm super obsessed with myself. [[< -- I think I've kept that sentence in for the past few years because it remains true]] It’s hard to name anything other than everyone must breathe until their dying breath. I’ve been working on it for two years, on and off, and it was one of the first bits of character building I did as I started to create the verse. There are a lot of wonderful little character moments in it and a lot of parts I really just genuinely enjoyed writing.

Communicable was also something I was working on for a while, and there are so many lovely quiet moments. @the-everqueen actually pulled out my favorite bit of that story for commentary--that whole night they spend together at the Washingtons’ and John’s conversation with Martha the next morning were a joy to write.

Outside of the ghosthunters, the #fem4ham soulmate AU has eaten my brain and soul, and the ficlet about John and Alex sharing a bed really made me wish I had a million extra hours in the day to write about that universe’s John and his struggles. Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? Not any huge ones? I think my biggest “risk” is the same mistake I make over and over again--feeling pressured to give people an ETA on the next story and then....totally missing that deadline. I’ve gotta stop doing that, for serious. My best story of this year: Definitely everyone must breathe until their dying breath. There are a LOT of moving parts on that thing that are still only slowly unfurling. I wish I had finished the whole thing in 2017 /o\ My most popular story of this year: Okay, see, chaptered stories totally throw off AO3 stats. Hit counts, kudos count, comment count...all of that is inflated by repeatedly pushing those fics to the top of the tags and having people come back for each chapter and all of that. Also, timing? The stuff that was up in January obviously has more hits than the stuff that only just came up in December.

That being said, I think everyone must breathe is probably my most popular fic, but who really knows? Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: I wouldn’t say any of the full-length fics are under-appreciated, but I’m so obsessed with the #fem4ham that I sometimes forget that it has less than thirty notes and no one but @lisapizza (and @charmingpplincardigans, based on her comments today at brunch) really cared about it when I posted it XD

Most fun story to write: I wrote Birthday Shots in one sitting and it was the kind of doofy, dialogue-based stuff that’s always pretty fun to play around with. I also liked the ghosthunters apocrypha with John being loopy on anesthesia, which I wrote entirely on the plane to Heroes. John’s ghost boyfriend not!fic was also the first of those that I did and it was pretty fun! Story with the single sexiest moment: Deffo the sex in the woods in VII of everyone must breathe until their dying breath. Story with the single sweetest moment: Hm. There’s a lot of sweet, that’s kind of my whole deal. I think maybe the first house-sitting scene or the train ride after seeing Ned in everyone must breathe until their dying breath. Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story: Nothing really. Nothing cracky for me this year. Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: The sharing a bed story and its backstory supplement were probably the things that had characterizations most different from the ghosthunters. It was a very different world to pick apart as I was thinking those through. Hardest story to write: Seeing as how I’m STILL WRITING everyone must breathe until their dying breath it is DEFINITELY THAT ONE Biggest Disappointment: Just that I didn't finish more, I think. Biggest Surprise: That dumb bedsharing ficlet has over a hundred notes on tumblr. What the hell. I mean, I’m glad, but also surprised! Otherwise, I’m honestly just surprised you guys have stuck with me this long and been so incredibly patient 💜 Most Unintentionally Telling Story: Everything with Molly in everyone must breathe until their dying breath, for reasons that I’m foolishly hoping end up being moot, but realistically suspect are not going to come to fruition. Plans for the next year: Goals for 2018! 300,000 words! Getting through two more anchor stories! Writing a non-ghosthunters Ham!fic! Work on my dumb novel! Maybe try some nonfiction stuff! I don’t know, just try to be more flexible and kinder to myself, but also get things done? God, who knows, the world is on fire.

#2017 #writing is hard #stuff about me

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valkerymillenia · 7 years

Note

I ask all 50!!! Fill us with fun facts about you!

Holy shit, again?! I’m not that interesting, you know?But ok, I’ll try, I’ve already answered some though.

1: What color are your socks?

Answered.

2: Have you ever lied about your age? Why?

Answered already!

3: What is something you regret in the past month?

So much wasted time…

4: Do you believe in love at first sight?

I’ve answered this before- no, I believe in attraction at first sight; love, however, needs to be earned, grown and nourished.

5: When was the last time you wrote someone a letter on paper?

Do notes to translate conversations into paper for my deaf dad count? If so, then today.If you mean real letters… I honestly don’t remember.

6: How old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? Who taught you?

Answered!

7: Do you get along with your parents? Why or why not?

Oh my gods, this is such a loaded question…Ok, I’ll try to keep it simple. Who am I kidding? That’s not possible.

Mom- ok so my mom is denial of any form of mental illness but she clearly has manic depression and war PTSD since forever. So as a result my mom has always been a bit aloof, irresponsible, neglectful, super permissive, a sneaky opportunist and a slightly childish and impulsive. Never thinks ahead, just goes nuts on the moment or spends too much time asleep (no in between).So my mom wasn’t the best mother in the world, she was a great caregiving and spoiling mother when we were babies but as soon as we gained minimal independence (aka around 5 years old) she just slacked off on the motherhood department. She’s not very bad, she’s just irresponsible and opportunistic and won’t interfere if we need help which doesn’t suit a mother but she’s a great person so she makes a very good friend (as long as you set boundaries and basic duties), she’s funny and sweet and a bit geeky, she’s also beautiful and used to be a model before I was born so she’s that fashion and beauty oriented friend (if fact she’s a certified beautician and taught me all she knows).So… Complicated relationship, lots of love but not the best mom (can’t blame her, grandma was a bitch).

Dad- I love him, he raised me, but I was also his main caregiver since I was 10 since he’s deaf and crippled. He’s a funny and permissive dad (except when he had explosive bouts of rage but that was a phase…a traumatic and slightly violent phase around the divorce time but short), he tried to be a provider and friend with shared interests with me. BUT he was also quite neglectful, being deaf made him very introverted, paranoid and isolated so he just let me run wild (I didn’t, I was taking care of the house and school instead) while he was cooped up playing pc games. We have that friendly daddy’s girl relationship but we both lack trust, we keep our more important thoughts to ourselves and I’m always afraid that as a deaf person he’ll misunderstand important things or judge me for whatever (and he’s always also feeling judged) so our relationship often feels shallow, he’s also the type in denial about people’s mental illness.

Biological father- Fucking complicated. As a little child he babysat me and was our neighbor so I was always hanging out and getting candy, he was also the person that cherished me the most to take hundreds of photos of me. I moved at age 5 so after that we only communicated through my grandma when she traveled between countries, he’d send me presents and worry about me. I only found out he was my progenitor when I was 10 and it took me years to accept it. Saw him again when I was 18, in fact it was like shock therapy- I spent a whole month living with him as I visited my hometown again. He likes to spoil me as much as he can and he’s very kind but also naive and stubborn and not the type that likes to talk about feelings or important things so talks between us are extremely awkward chitchat.

Stepdad- Terrible relationship. He’s the kind of person that is a caregiver for us all out of duty but then uses that to emotionally manipulate everyone. He’s small minded, old fashioned and selfish and blames everyone for his problems, he also seems to have a personal thing against me- pretty sure he doesn’t hate me but I’m his natural verbal punching bag, anything I say or do in front of him, no matter how innocent, even standing still for a moment or asking to pass the juice at dinner, he twists everything into insults and psychological abuse. Luckily my sister is his baby so she escapes his judgement but he wasn’t that much of a present parent to her either and let her run wild a lot (I’m so glad I could turn that around and teach her to be way more responsible than her parents). The only reason I don’t totally hate him is because he gave me sister, who I love most in the world.

8: What’s your favorite season?

Answered!

9: Do you currently like someone?

Yup, also answered before.

10: Have you ever used an Ouija board?

I know how but I never used it, as a Wiccan my preferred specialty for spiritual communing was pendulum scrying.

11: What’s the last song you sang?

“Havanna” by Camilla Cabello has been stuck in my head for weeks.

12: What’s your favorite scent?

Telling me to choose just one fav of anything is hard af… But here are some favs.

Fresh peppermint, lavender, petrichor, burnt eucalyptus, baby powder, sea water, freshly baked bread, and oddly enough- gasoline.

13: What’s your favorite urban legend?

Can’t choose favs but off the top of my head… La Llorona.

14: What’s a bad habit that you have?

Procrastinating.

15: What’s a strange habit that you have?

All my odd stims and ocd rituals.

16: What’s the first instrument that you learned to play?

Answered.

17: How would you describe your ‘type?’

Already answered in the previous ask meme.

18: Would you rather stay in or go out?

Both, when I go out I make it special and try to make the most of it because it’s rare… But I guess I do prefer the safety and routine of staying home.

19: What was the last thing you said to your mom?

“Never going to see what you borrowed from dad again, am I? This is why people don’t trust you, you never keep your promises…

Well, whatever! How are the stitches? You’re better, right?

Ok, put my sister on. Kisses, bye.”

20: Do you want to get married someday?

Already answered in the previous asked meme.

21: Have you ever snuck out?

Not that I needed to with my kind of parents but yeah, a couple of times.

22: Can you sing well?

I love to sing but whether I’m good or not is up to the listener, I can post a song sample if anyone wants.

23: What’s an embarrassing thing that happened this week?

Other than grovelling desperatly for help?

24: When was the last time you went sledding?

Never?

25: Have you ever/do you liked someone you know you can never be with?

Yeah.

26: Do people often mispronounce your name?

Yes! If you’re not a Portuguese speaker, I DARE you to pronounce my surname. Go ahead- Coelho.

27: Would you like to live in another country?

I do miss my home country, South Africa holds my heart… and I’ve dreamed of a stint in Japan. But all in all, I like this country, it’s…interesting, safe.

28: Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows?

Not really, they tend to be too over the top and stereotypical.

29: Who was the last person you said you loved to?

Boyfriend.

30: What’s something you’d like to be better at?

Follow through.

31: Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad?

Very often, Some right here on tumblr.

32: What was the last thing you cooked?

Chili con carne. Been eating leftovers of it for a whole week now.

33: Do you think you would make a good parent?

Answered already.

34: Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

Answered!

35: Where is your best friend right now?

Given the day and time, my sister is probably at dance practice now.

36: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Depends if I’m making an effort (an hour) or if I’m just being casual (20min).

37: How late do you usually stay up at night?

Answered.

38: When was the last time you cried and why?

I don’t know…

39: Have you ever won a contest?

Yes, started this year by winning a Justice League pop contest. But that was more of a giveaway... Actual contest? I won a couple b of art contests before but nothing big.

40: Can you draw well?

I have art posted here so you tell me.

41: Would you ever date someone you met on Tumblr/the internet?

Sure. I already do.

42: What was the last thing you ate?

….Bread.

43: Do you think you’re/you’d make a good boyfriend/girlfriend?

I sure hope so, I try my best… But to be honest I don’t think I’m a very good partner.

44: Have you ever had a near-death experience?

About 6 actually.

45: What do you think people think of you?

I don’t know… I’ve been told I make people feel comfortable and I’m easy to open up to? But to be honest I don’t really know.

46: What is your middle name and do you like it?

Augusto. My mom’s maiden name, because that’s how it works here (Name+ maybe 2nd name + mom’s surname + dad’s surname).

Yes, I like it, it’s latin. But people sometimes mix it up with my paternal grandma’s first name.

47: Are you close with either of your parents?

In my own way, yes. Both mom and dad.

48: Do you like yourself?

Some days…

49: State five facts about your appearance –

-I get a lot of comments on my boobs and I really don’t mind

-I look pale because I stay inside a lot but I tan very easily, probably because my mom is dark

-I love my tattoos, I’m proud of them

-I wear glasses or contacts in important occasions

-I have the worst time looking people in the eye

50: State five facts about your personality –

-I’m patient but full of anxiety

-I don’t have just one personality

-I try to be as unbiased and non-judgmental as possible

-I’m obsessive about random things

-I like solitude but I also like interacting (though the more non-physical the better)

#ask meme #rach rambles #personal

1 note · View note

philipshay · 7 years

Note

all of the writing questions 1-54

1. Favorite place to write.

my bed lmao

2. Favorite part of writing.

that moment when you just frantically have to get something out??? and the words just spill out like crazy and idk its amazing

3. Least favorite part of writing.

having to write the boring chunky stuff thats essential for plot

4. Do you have writing habits or rituals?

not really tbh

5. Books or authors that influenced your style the most.

maggie stiefvater and lauren oliver definitely

6. Favorite character you ever created.

so shes my current mc for my trilogy and her name is isla and i just really fucking love her

7. Favorite author.

lauren oliver

8. Favorite trope to write.

i love angst idk if thats a trope??

9. Least favorite trope to write.

probably like.....idk tbh i dont have anything that i dont like when it comes to tropes

10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about.

i would die to write a book with lauren oliver like i would write anything she wanted to write

11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish.

step one: frantically write a paragraph or scene

step two: frantically try and fill in around that first thing

step three: leave it alone for a while

step four: finish when the motivation returns

12. How do you deal with self-doubts?

the only way to deal with them for me is to just. let them be. i know im gonna have them, and that i cant get rid of them, so i just work around them. i write regardless of them.

13. How do you deal with writers block?

take a break for a little while. read something. watch something. wait for it to become easy to write again.

14. What’s the most research you ever put into a book?

for my first book i did hours of research on amputations and prosthetics and stuff because my mc was an amputee

15. Where does your inspiration come from?

everywhere. songs or quotes or shows or books.

16. Where do you take your motivation from?

readers and just myself. i enjoy the writing and it makes me feel good to do it.

17. On avarage, how much writing do you get done in a day?

i try and write a little each day. but some days it doesnt work and i have to just set it down.

18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like?

look...i fucking hate revision and i grumble through it and hate it

19. First line of a WIP you’re working on.

its for an evak fic btw:

Something that Isak Valtersen has tried to accept over the last year is that sometimes love isn’t enough.

20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on.

from my book:

One of her hands came up to cup my head, and she held me tighter than she ever had before. It reminded me of when I was small, on the nights I was afraid and young and didn’t understand why I had to stay downstairs.

The small basement had seemed so big when I was a child. Monsters lurked in all of its corners. Demons waited in the shadows.

I myself was a monster, but I didn’t know it yet. I was a different type of monster; I was the type that couldn’t be killed. I was too human for that. I was the dredge of humanity.

But the thing is, when half of the population is as well, it’s much harder to hunt us. It’s much harder to hunt us when we share the faces of those that are good.

Before I knew what I was, my mother would come downstairs and tell me that one day I wouldn’t be scared, that one day I wouldn’t have to spend every day downstairs. She’d hold me and whisper empty promises.

Even then, as she held me, there was another empty promise on her lips. She didn’t say it, as I was far too old to believe it, but I knew what she was thinking.

21. Post the last sentence you wrote in one of your WIP’s.

from my current book too:

Because it was a lie. My freedom was a beautiful, beautiful lie.

22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you?

okay so honestly im a 1 draft kinda girl and then i go in and edit.

23. Single or multi POV, and why?

it really depends but currently i prefer single.

24. Poetry or prose, and why?

prose. it has more freedom.

25. Linear or non-linear, and why?

i havent written non linear but i really love it because its so complex and theres so many ways to slowly reveal things and idk its amazing

26. Standalone or series, and why?

ive noticed that most books that are in a series are never as good as book 1. but, that said, there are some worlds that i love to live in and will totally take multiple books.

27. Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished?

usually wait until its polished

28. And who do you share them with?

i have a writing friend amy who i used to share everything with and other than her i guess tumblr? idk

29. Who do you write for?

myself.

30. Favorite line you’ve ever written.

this sounds conceited but there’s so many that i like. i guess one of my favs is:

Sometimes people leave, and sometimes they’re lost. And sometimes we don’t ever find out why. That’s a darkness that just doesn’t go away.

31. Hardest character to write.

writing my mc marley from my first book was difficult because she had so much anger towards what happened to her and it blinded her to quite a bit. and as the author i knew she was going to get over that but the character herself didnt, and it was hard.

32. Easiest character to write.

so this is fic but tbh percy jackson because it was on him and the other pjo characters that i learned to write and i spent so much time in that world that i know the characters

33. Do you listen to music when you’re writing?

yep usually

34. Handwritten notes or typed notes?

typed

37. Most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you.

probably “The promblem isn’t your thighs. The problem is your head.” because it reminds me that my eating disorder is the real enemy, not food.

39. Do you base your characters of real people or not? If so, tell us about one.

definitely on real people. there are pieces of people i know in all of my characters. like the nurse that helped marley in my first book is based off my friend amy.

40. Original Fiction or Fanfiction, and why?

both. they both have their perks and their cons.

41. How many stories do you work on at one time?

so many. so so so many.

42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc.

it comes in pieces. like, i just figured out a few days ago that my mc wasnt a redhead after all. it just happens naturally. it occurs to me randomly tbh.

43. Are you an avid reader?

i used to be. i do love reading but i dont do it as much anymore.

47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story?

it depends.

48. Favorite genre to write in.

i love dystopian and contemporary.

49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end?

the beginning.

52. How did writing change you?

it showed me who i was. it gave me purpose and showed me what i wanted to do and idk it made me into the person i am.

53. What does writing mean to you?

everything. writing is so important to me like....its everything.