#i spent unwise amount of time on making this post lol

[allfillernothriller]

I said much happened in 24hrs, but it started before that, so here's a little context. My dad took a small life insurance policy back in 94. When he passed in May 2021, I read the contract. My mum was still listed as sole beneficiary even though they broke up in 2000 and she died in 2016, but that's just my dad for you (he tried making me the beneficiary like a week before dying or something so if you ever feel bad about procrastinating hopefully that'll give you some perspective lol). Since the og beneficiary is deceased, legally I could claim the money, as the holder's heir. To do that, I had to prove 1. I was dad's only child 2. I haven't got kids of my own. However, I had 3 years after the date of death to do so, otherwise the bank got to keep the money. I went to a non profit org for legal advice because the bank was starting to send confusing letters asking me to send back nonsensical and contradictory documents, and it was getting definitely sketchy. I love me a good “who's the biggest twat?” game, so I sent them a very condescending email letting them know I was seeking legal advice and disregarding their letters. I also asked them to stop sending more and that I'd send the documents the expert I was meeting with would tell me to provide, but nothing more. Legal advice turned out to be: “oh yeah the confusing letters are tactic to discourage people from claiming their due” & “they can't ask for the family record book to prove you're his only heir, it has to be a notarial document” (I won't get into it now but if you've got questions about french succession laws I'd be happy to answer them). I wasn't very happy with that answer because providing my dad's family book record was free and easy, but having a notary establish a succession? Out of my budget. I still met with one because the first appointment was free. She was very nice, but thought the amount I'd get wouldn't be worth the trouble + cost of the whole administrative procedure. I thought well, at least I tried the legal route. Time for loopholes. I never told the bank what the legal advisor said. Instead, I waited until the last minute (10 days before the 3 year deadline) and sent a copy of my dad's death certificate, a copy of his family record book and a copy of my ID, hoping that so close to the deadline, they wouldn't double-check whether they asked for the correct documents (they didn't and I wasn't about to let them know). AND IT WORKED. After 2 years of back-and-forth and a 3rd year of giving them the silent treatment I WON. I CHEATED THEM OUT OF THE MONEY THEY TRIED TO CHEAT ME OUT OF. They could've rightfully kept the money on the basis that the family record book has no legal bearing. But they didn't, and I feel INVINCIBLE.

So, now I get to spend dad's policy unwisely, don't I? And because I'm known for having impeccable timing (got plenty of anecdotes that'll prolly end up in a post someday), I managed to snatch a ticket for The Streets in Luxembourg tonight. 72hrs ago I was so sure I was going to miss it because I wasn't supposed to be able to afford it. I barely had 2 days to process but it's happening. They are so difficult to see in France, I thought I'd have to see them in the UK. I only found out they were playing in Luxembourg like 2 weeks ago and I thought I wasn't going to make it because of all I've spent on Yard Act. Speaking of that, I'm also going to be there 😭 (yes I know I've got a serious problem)

But that also implies that I need to somehow include stopovers in Crawley, Cardiff and West Kirby to visit family members and oh, how I hate that we're scattered all over the place. That sounds impossible, so that's gonna be fun. It will also be the opportunity for me to visit one of my first online friend's grave. She was incredibly important to me, and sadly she passed before we could meet face to face. Her birthday is on Aug 9, so I'll be in Leicester that day.

I'm obviously very excited at the prospect of visiting Leeds bc I'm a music nerd flavoured tourist. It's gonna be very special to see Yard Act there 🧡

Might as well try and find a way to catch Jamie T at one of the festivals in the middle of this chaotic future trip too. I know the friends I made at Ally Pally (& saw again at Finsbury Park) are going to be there, I'd be dense to miss the opportunity.

Long story short, I'm gonna be roaming around the UK this summer so if anyone wants to meet up let me know!

[cowboykissing]

re-listening to last week’s episode because im still processing... i need to share some of the parts that made me sit on my kitchen floor like this:

transcription under the cut, in case you don’t have headphones on hand

Jeremy: ...and [Dean] has this moment of clarity where he realizes "I shouldn't have left Sam and Jack." like, you know I- Jesus, I'm getting kind of. fucking. emotional even talking about this.

Chris: He gets it. This is "Everybody should be here" and you know, or an "everybody's going to die. And I, and I can't stop it."

And it's still- the whole time she's- Billie is hammering on the outside.

Death is literally knocking on the door.

And Dean says-

Dean just says, "I'm sorry."

Yeah, "She's going to break through. She's going to kill you and she's going to kill me. I'm sorry." And this is, uh- I'm going to open a beer.

[beer opening sound]

Open the beer! This is where Castiel starts talking and we're not going to be able to do this justice,

(...) Um, and Castiel's just- as he starts breaking this down, that's where I think we ALL start to break down.

(...) ...[about everything Dean and Cas have been through together] that connection, more than anything, changed Dean so much. And this is where Castiel delivers the line. "I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean." And you can see on Dean's face- it's all coming crashing down. He's realizing that this is the moment of happiness that he talked about, that this is when it's going to happen. And Castiel looks at him and says "I love you." And Dean begs.

He, dude, he says "You changed me, Dean." and then Dean says "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" Castiel says "Because it is." and then says "I love you, Dean." [stunned little pause] Jesus Christ.

And man, like,

Also, just to stop, so uh... I love a lot of people. Family, friends. But I can't imagine saying anything like this or feeling this way about anyone other than, you know, Jess, you know, the person that I love romantically. It's that special person, that special person in your life.

(...) Love- I don't think it really existed for Castiel.

I don't think so.

-befoere Dean. I don't know if love exists for angels. I know that they've played with that kind of stuff before, but I don't know if- not like this. I don't think it has existed like this.

This feels like something new and unique and that- this bond between the human and this angel just altered the course of the entire universe.

[voice cracking] Dude. To love and be loved so much, that you defy God.

Absolutely! I wouldn't defy God for Autumn. I mean, she's great. Don't get me wrong.

I ain't doing it. I ain't gonna do it. -unless I know I'm in a JRPG situation that I'm suiting up. I'm a square up with God.

[laughter, fade into gamer talk]

(...) Everything that's happened, and like him- leading to this moment. And it's. It's so big! It's so huge! And it's hard not to talk about this on a fandom level, too, because for YEARS, we're talking like 16 years at this point (or not 16, I guess, you know, 11 years, since Castiel showed up) that this has been... It is literally the biggest, like, ship of all time. Like, in so many different ways. Whether we talk about number of stories on AO3 or the "characters that should get together the most" or just like everybody- It feels like this is the biggest thing. And to have the show go fucking, out of its way to confirm it. And like you said, to me, there's no, to me there's no misinterpreting this. Like, when he says "You changed me, I love you" there is no, absolutely no way, you can in any shape or form that you can say "Oh well, they're just- super cool friends. They're guys being dudes." Like, fuck that! Absolutely not.

Hey, hey, is it gay to tell your homies that you love them? In this case, yes, it fucking is!

(...)

Castiel pulled him out of literal hell, and I think that Castiel just pulled Dean out of his personal hell that he's been living in ever since.

Okay. Love it.

I think offering him that unconditional, full love, and then he pulls him out - he's literally pulling him out of the way of death, but - I think he just pulled Dean out of his personal hell with that confession. And of course, Dean doesn't get to...

(...)

I think I described it in the Discord as having this like incredibly euphoric high and then getting the worst news of your life at the same time.

To me, it's Dean Winchester sitting there and reviewing - like I think a lot of people do, whether it's because of mental health issues or whether it's because of self doubt or whatever - He is literally reliving every single moment, every single argument, every single slight, every single thing that has ever happened between him and Castiel, and revisiting it in this new light and just fucking dying inside. And just realizing "I had this in front of me, but I was too angry, I was too blind, I was too stubborn. I was not willing. I was too scared. I was too- I just wouldn't accept it." And going through every- like going through the breakup from earlier this season. Like, I don't think you get here without that. As much as we kind of didn't like it at the time, it justifies that entire arc and all of those characters feelings for one another. And I feel like at the time, you had a really nice way of thinking. Like Dean thinking "Did I go too far when I shoved him out the bunker?" And here he's like "Absolutely."

[inside joke:]"Was it fucked up that we never gave him his own room?"

[laughter]

Yeah, but here he's absolutely just dying at every single interaction and imagining how much he failed Castiel in light of Castiel having loved him this entire time and realizing that like "Oh, shit. I absolutely love this dude back. And now my chance is gone. And he sacrificed himself for me." And I feel like Dean is basically going to be useless in the next two episodes.

I don't know how he's gonna...

I don't either. I feel like we're gonna to see the most-

How's he going to tell Sam?

[laughter]

What do you- What do you say?

Not just that Castiel died, but like- How do you even like- How do you- You can't.

You can't.

You can't make somebody else feel- what that was.

(...)

It makes me want to like reevaluate the way that I treat the people that I love [😳], you know, to appreciate them more because this speech is so beautiful and you don't know when- just love people. Just tell people that you love them because you could get eaten by the Empty at any moment.

(...)

The guy - Robert Berens, I believe "Bobo", as they call him in fandom - this was his plan from the beginning. By all accounts this was like, he wasn't going to come back on for Supernatural until they said this is going to be the last season and he was like, "Well, this is what I want to do." Like he was actively going for this relationship and he wanted this to happen, and I think that's- one of the most beautiful things in the world to actually accomplish that on a CW show that has resisted so much. With a bunch of actors, frankly, that have resisted so much. Even now, after the show is over with, who resist the idea that this could be an actual relationship between two men, a romantic relationship between two men and it's so incredibly frustrating. (And I don't pay a lot of attention to cons and things but of course it like stuff floats to the top) and hearing Jared mealy mouth his way through some of the responses on some of the stuff hering even Jensen mealy mouth his way through some of the responses on some of the stuff being real "middle of the road, the centeral is going to be the path of least resistance" kind of bullshit, instead of just saying "Yeah, they're totally gay for each other." It's really disappointing for me to have looked at these two dudes and think that they're great guys, right? Like, I don't know anything about them but by all accounts, by the things that they have done in their personal lives and their professional lives are great dudes. It makes me just not like them as much. And I'm not saying that I don't like...

Nobody likes a fence-sitter. Nobody likes a fence-sitter.

Exactly. Especially with something like as FUCKING BASIC as this.

@monsteroftheweekpodcast

[the-sparrow-sings]

TIMELINE FOR MY SPARROW’S HEADCANON

I want to write a LONG fic series about her life going into the Hero of Brightwall’s life; but I do not have the time/energy to commit to that right now, so here’s a vague timeline since I REALLY want to talk about it anyway lol

Pre-Game

• Her parents were infamous Pirates, Rayven(her father, Hero blood), and Catarina

• Reaver knew them as friends before the girls were born; even held Rose once as a baby(somewhat uncomfortably)

• They were forced by foul weather to dock near Bowerstone some time after Sparrow was born; Rayven was captured and hanged, Catarina escaped momentarily with the girls

• Catarina hands baby Sparrow(around 1 year old) to Rose and tells her to RUN, and SURVIVE; she is then captured; but no one is looking for the children so little Rose escapes with Baby Sparrow

Post-Childhood, Pre-Main Game

• Teresa has a hard and fast rule that Sparrow is not to leave the valley, and specifically not to go to Bowerstone. She is concerned that Sparrow will have her parents’ natural desire for adventure and sign onto a crew for a life of piracy

• Upon reaching Adulthood, Sparrow is frustrated by Teresa assuming she still makes the rules for her; and she sneaks off to visit Bowerstone for the first time since her childhood

• She spends the day/night having a gloriously rowdy time with a man she only knows as Captain/The Captain(Spoiler Alert, it’s Reaver) and she fully intends to join his crew

• He has no idea who she is, though he is immediately reminded of his old friends; and unknowingly recounts tails of her parents adventures to her. He is more than a little astonished that someone drew out the urge to discuss something other than himself

• They spend the night together above Bowerstone’s bar; waking up at the crack of dawn to Teresa standing in front of the bed

• She all but drags Sparrow home with her, leaving Reaver both disappointed and a bit relieved; he was not sure he liked that she stirred up something in him

During The Game

• Sparrow is a Rowdy Girl with a love of fine women, dangerous men, and banditry. She loves the rough&tumble bandit lifestyle, but is good hearted enough that she tends to change towns for the better; this is why she loves Bloodstone, it’s a hard town that never changes

• Feels pressured to marry Alex, and feigns happiness for his sake; trying her best to be busy with quests to avoid being near him

• The Spire all but wipes out her formally sweet nature; seeing her adopt a much darker world view; this is where she transitions to pure evil, and becomes much more direct with her wishes and underhanded with her plots

• At first, she flat out refuses to see Alex after The Spire; she doesn’t see the point of it, and figures if he had any good sense he’d have moved on, since she was never in love with him in the first place

• When Alex eventually catches up with her, she attempts to let him down very concisely, but his entitled behavior toward “his wife” ends with a knife in his gut, and a disgusted sneer on Sparrow’s face

• She recognizes Reaver right away, though she has changed too much for him to recognize her. Her heart aches for the innocent young woman she was when she last saw him

• He puts the pieces together of who she is when he first fights by her side; reminded of fighting alongside her Hero father

• The pair share a moment in that cave, seeming to begin something before the collapsing rocks urge them to keep running

End Game/Post Game, Pre Fable 3

• Reaver steals her kill from her, and she is devastated; her sad state only compounded when Hammer reacts harshly to her desire to bring back her own loved ones

• At the end of things, she finds herself alone again, Rose off who-knows-where, her dog her only companion

• Having grown up in exceeding poverty, she spends her time and her gold buying up property left and right, putting former greedy landlords to death

• On a whim she purchases Reaver’s home, keeping it clear of squatters for him

• She finds his first journal entry, and promptly seals them all away in a locked box, not wishing to invade his privacy

• By the time Reaver returns, Sparrow is Queen; and he is more than thrilled when he sees her summons, an elegantly tied scroll left on his bed; concise in her own handwriting, “Captain, I expect a visit when you return, I’m sure you don’t need my address; Sparrow”

• Now, Reaver is both intrigued and mildly frightened

• He enjoys the prospect of having a shag with the queen (and, though he won’t admit it, he has missed more than her body); but he knows she was...a bit cross with him for leaving so suddenly after that business with Lucien was sorted out

• He is concerned that she may kill him/have him put to death, but ultimately decides that the potential rewards far outweigh the risks (with a healthy dose of understanding that it could prove unwise to ignore a direct summons from the Queen)

• On first glance, Queen Sparrow is hardly the girl he remembers from the tavern, or even the shoot-first-talk-later hero who sauntered into Bloodstone a year ago

• Her rise to power coupled with her emotional isolation have left her bitter; a fair yet harsh ruler. She was loved by many for her low rent prices and the protection she offered; but she kept the nobility on a very short leash, and had little patience for those who would waste her time

• That said, she did seem to be focused on keeping up appearances; at least, Reaver could scarcely believe all the exquisite finery and pompous ceremony was her doing

• Had he not been so gifted with perception, Reaver would have failed to pick up on the tiny cracks in her collected facade upon their public meeting

• She declared him her newest advisor, citing his heroic blood, worldly knowledge, and instrumental role in Lucien’s downfall as credentials enough

• When she received him in her private chambers however, the public mask of Royalty slipped away as she all but pounced him

• After a while, Reaver playfully tosses around the idea of them having a true public relationship; and Sparrow turns him down flat; refusing to make a toy of her heart

• Reaver does not quite understand why he feels disappointed; after all, he’s got a position of High Power in Albion now, and he gets to warm the Hero Queen’s bed with very few strings attached...he should be thrilled

• Eventually, Sparrow faces pressure (both domestic and foreign) to marry

• Reaver offers his “services”, talking of what a good king he would make, but Sparrow refuses on the grounds that his former life of piracy did not amuse every foreign power, and making him king could potentially amount to a declaration of war

• She marries some nobody from the aristocracy; the relationship, as well as the king’s power, being little more than an elaborate puppet show

• Reaver absolutely loathes the king; “Sparrow only has room for one pompous, arrogant, bastard in her life; and it sure as hell isn’t this spindly Lordling”

• The marriage certainly complicates Sparrow and Reaver’s cladenstine appointments; and his unexpected negative feelings almost push him to leave Sparrow’s Court

• Until she comes to his quarters one night, looking frantic and desperate; like she had been pacing around and pulling at her hair

• The king has demanded children, and old Albion Royal Law/Tradition demands she comply; Sparrow however, absolutely refuses to birth that man’s weak and “noble” offspring

• She asks Reaver to give her a child in secret; she assures him that he will have absolutely no fatherly obligations; but if she must bare children(which she knew from her vision of the future was inevitable) she wanted them to be strong with the blood of heroes

• Eventually, Reaver accepts, and Sparrow is sure that the child inside her is his

• Reaver does his best to avoid spending time with her, he has spent centuries avoiding these connections for a reason, after all

• But he can’t shake the hate in his heart each time he sees the king look so prideful of his impending heir

• The Baby is born with a thick tuff of black hair, and thankfully, is Sparrow’s spitting image as he grows

• Reaver does his best to avoid Logan, truly stepping in for the first time when the boy comes up missing

• Sparrow puts together the ransom at once, not willing to risk her child’s life with her usual bravado

• At the same time, Reaver uses his underworld connections to easily sniff out the kidnappers; going in secret to collect the boy before Sparrow even has a chance to leave the castle

• Reaver holds his son for the first time as he ends the lives of the scum who took him with a vengeance

• From that point on, Reaver is focused on watching over the boy; if from a distance

• He becomes prone to undermining the king when he is trying to teach some bullshit Strict Lesson to young Logan; cutting the king down with remarks of how Reaver has SEEN tactics like his in action...and they never bode well

• Reaver does not truly admit to himself his fatherly feelings however, until Sparrow accidentally becomes pregnant

• A little girl with beautiful brunette curls, who stares back at him with his own eyes; when he holds her for the first time, she squeezes his finger tight, and he knows he would move the earth for this child

• Princess Ophelia is a happy girl, running around the castle with very few unpleasantries like “rules” or “structure”, thanks to her intimidating “Uncle” Reaver pushing around the king and anyone else who would dare stifle her

• The King however, does not take kindly to Reaver’s increased intrusion on “his” family; becoming obsessively strict with the children each chance he gets

• Reaver doubles down on his mischief, often making a point to whisk the children away to festivals and other fun outings

• He is overcome with pride when little Ophelia proves to be a crack shot at the carnival’s various shooting games

• Once, a tiny Ophelia ran to him crying because she wished Reaver was her father instead of the king

• Sparrow has to intervene more than once when Reaver decides he wants to outright murder the king

• The king tries to put his foot down with Sparrow; demanding that Reaver be removed from Court and sent away

• Sparrow laughs at him, before recounting the tail of her first husband; and reminds him of the very strict limits to his own power

The Death of Sparrow

• Some time after Logan reaches his teenage years, the Queen is mysteriously assailed by a sudden and dire illness

• In my personal timeline-The Sickness is actually a curse laid on her by Teresa for refusing to follow her directive any longer; but this isn’t revealed until my Post-Fable 3 Plotline

• Reaver sits by Sparrow’s bed as she lay dying- truly and wholly distraught for the first time in centuries

• She grips his hand suddenly, with all the feeble strength she can muster, and the look in her eye tells him that the time he has dreaded is upon them

• She begs-orders him to watch over their children

• He pulls her into his arms. “Sparrow, I need you to know, I love-”

• “No,” she hisses, faint as a breath. “You don’t.”

• He is devastated by her final words. For the first time in perhaps centuries, he has decided to open his heart and admit those words...and she didn’t believe him...and now it’s too late to prove it

• He spends much of his time in the days following her death obscenely intoxicated-more than usual, trying to wipe away the regret he feels for not making her feel loved while she was alive

• Reaver comes to her balcony often, to look out over Albion in the cool night air-and consider hopefully-perhaps foolishly- that the wind ghosting his hair against his cheek is more than just an act of nature

• One night, he arrives to find the king standing in his usual spot; and perhaps it is his own melancholy that moves him-but he actually believes the king has come to mourn

• Until he speaks to him of course. The king is only in the room to decide how he wishes to redecorate it for when he takes a new wife to be queen

• Reaver is enraged by how casually the king speaks; how quickly he thinks to replace Sparrow. His mind fills with the image of some power hungry political climber marrying this idiot for the crown

• Reaver was no stranger to political intrigue. How often did new royals arrange for the tragic deaths of their stepchildren, so that their own children might have a better chance of inheriting the crown? Reaver could not take that chance

• One bullet, ringing off into the night, was all it took to send the King’s corpse crumpling unceremoniously to the ground

• Eventually, Reaver is captured, and Walter(as chief among Sparrow’s advisors) personally orders(and intends to carry out) his execution; however he is stopped by the arrival of the young-now king-Logan

• Ignoring everyone, Logan crouches down to where the guards have forced Reaver to kneel, and simply tells Reaver that he knows, before ordering everyone to leave them in private

• As it turns out, Logan had taken the task of sorting through his late-mother’s things when he stumbled upon Reaver’s journals-and an entry that makes note of his feelings for her

• Following that discovery, Logan had done diligent research and digging; and had come to the conclusion that he and his sister were almost definitely the result of Reaver’s long term affair with their mother

• He demands Reaver tell him everything, and surprisingly, Reaver does. He comes clean about it all-everything from the Court of Shadows to Sparrow’s dying wish

• This is why Logan trusts Reaver to remain his advisor

• The secret of their parontage is kept from Ophelia however. After all, it was a secret for a reason, and she was so young at the time that she could hardly be counted on to protect such a secret; she doesn’t learn Reaver is her father until breaking into his home in search of information

• No longer in danger of execution, Reaver feels he has no choice but to down a bottle or two of fine wine, and write to his former companions of Sparrow’s death

• He keeps it very short. He wasn’t their friend-he wasn’t even on good terms with them

• “She’s Gone; R.” Is all the letters say, and they think him callous and uncaring for it; but they cannot see the waste bin of crumpled papers where his writing had been shaky in his grief or the tears stained the pages

OKAY THAT’S WHERE I AM GOING TO STOP BECAUSE BEYOND THAT WE START REACHING INTO FABLE 3 TERRIROTY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR READING THIS

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

the nice thing about having to devote all my time and attention to a single urgent project is just that--it's stressful but it's one project, and the fact that this one project has to be finished REAL REAL SOON is a shortcut around my usual decision-paralysis bullshit because suddenly there's no question how to prioritize my tasks, and even if the urgent thing isn't necessarily fun, I can feel the urgency enough that I can still make myself do it.

the not-so-nice thing is how I always get the vague accompanying idea that once I finish this urgent thing I can relax and go back to doing something I actually want to be doing, which is ALWAYS WRONG, because what happens instead is that all those temporarily-a-little-less-urgent tasks come flooding back in and I'm once again in decision-crisis mode, unable to prioritize and much less able to make myself do anything mildly difficult.

in other words, compressing most of the work on my Loki helm into the last few days was unwise and stressful, and after I finished I had a few minutes where I was like “cool now I can get back to Fallout 3 maybe” and then I remembered all the other major things I’ve been meaning to do for months:

PT exercises and regular workouts, especially because today my wrist is doing a fun thing where my hand starts going numb as soon as I use my office computer

Writing more in general

Actually finishing and posting some of the fic that have been “almost done” for months

...which unfortunately relies on typing up my notebooks, which is time-consuming in its own right and a bigger problem than usual with the wrist fuckery

Political volunteering of various kinds, at least writing postcards/letters to voters

lol I’d already had all the parts for months when I finally started doing stuff toward a PC upgrade in July, and now I should probably just re-do the backups, just aside from actually swapping out all the hardware

but also I might want to finish Fallout 3 before I switch to Windows 10

and also I seriously need to get back to SWTOR because I really do love it and the amount of story I’ve completed for the time I’ve had the game (7 years??) and the money I’ve spent as a subscriber (I refuse to do that math because I’ll just hate myself for it) is fucking ridiculous and I’ll be even more sad and mad at myself if it closes down before I can finish the storylines

It would be cool to make progress on any of my personal custom-figure projects, especially the Loki ones, of which there are several

Also there are things that have been nearly done for months and I need to finish them and write descriptions so I can finally list them on Etsy

My room continues to be a disaster

Part of the whole point in making @alaska-gothic was giving myself a reason to post cool photos I’ve taken, and then I started taking more specifically for the blog and I haven’t posted those either

all of this would, of course, be easier with a functional brain, so “get a goddamn therapist” needs to be on the list too

in conclusion, I want to sleep for a month and also yell a lot