#i think hunter still enjoys rules and regulations. let him keep this.

[evilfarmin]

🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝

[1] [2] [here]

[versadies]

ophichius/body switch soulmate au +xiao or childe pretty please? for xiao it can be like, when the body switch happens the reader feels the burden of the karmic debt so xiao starts taking care of himself/leaving instructions on what to do just so his soulmate doesn't have to suffer as much. reader is the traveler, in inazuma and xiao just quietly appreciated being free from karmic debt even for a day, and appreciating inazuma's beautiful sights whilst reader is just. in wangshuu inn. suffering

delicate (hc scenario)

penpal: bless you for such an incredible idea ! hope you like this along with your other request on childe <<3

prompt: ophiuchus the snake, body-switch soulmate au

pairing/s: xiao x gn!traveler!reader

sypnosis: hc on how you and xiao went through the whole day in each other's body.

includes: reader is not aether/lumine and is a random traveler (sorry to anon if you meant by reader being aether/lumine), reader suffering cuz of karmic debt, mentions of physical pain, mentions of violence, pure fluff

the moment xiao opens his eyes from his quick nap, the first thing he sees is the view of narukami island.

the yaksha was alerted at first, wondering how he came from hunting around dihua marsh for demons to sitting down beneath a tree with a new environment he hasn’t been in before.

it wasn’t until he realized he’s in a different outfit and different body that he found out that today’s the special day.

he hopes you aren’t in too much pain.

he observes his surroundings for a moment, then his eyes moved down to his appearance, only to see an outfit that is deemed fit for a traveler. his soulmate is a traveler in inazuma?

now that the yaksha thinks about it, he has heard the unfortunate fate the people of inazuma has to go through with the new rules that the current archon has set up, with her soldiers taking away people's visions, discrimination against outlanders, and the borders being closed around the nation.

xiao immediately checks around his– or rather his soulmate's– body to see if they have a vision, feeling relieved when he felt the familiar form of a vision hidden underneath his clothing.

all he needs to do is hide the vision and not go to the city, where he's sure a lot of vision hunters will be found.

this shouldn't be too hard, right?

meanwhile, you're currently writhing in pain in your soulmate's body, confused with what's happening to you– or rather, your soulmate's body.

you honestly had never such intense pain until now, how the hell does your soulmate deal with this? did he get a rare illness?

you couldn't think straight, your mind throbbing in pain as your body continued to ache and ache with voices running in your he–

"xiao? are you okay?" you shakily look up at the woman, who was staring at you with a concerned look on her face.

before you could try to let out a word, you immediately dropped on the floor, gasping out from the continuous pain. when does it ever stop? you rather go back to inazuma and suffer their new regulations instead of going through this pain–

"you're not xiao, are you?" she asks, causing you to nod profusely in response as you clench your fists together, closing your eyes shut whilst ignoring the woman, who was busy looking for something in her clothing.

"here." you open your eyes to see her handing you what looked like a pill. as if the woman read your mind, she quickly clarified what the pill is. "it's a painkiller. your uh, soulmate gave it to me and told me to give it to you in case you two swit–"

without letting the woman continue, you immediately snatched the pill from her and swallow it whole.

it took what felt like more than 20 minutes for the pain to finally subside, causing you to finally sigh in relief. although the pain was still there, it surely wasn't as painful and unbearable as before.

by the time you calmed yourself down, you slowly stood up from the cold floor and look at the woman gratefully. "you have my thanks, miss...?"

"verr goldet," she responds with a gentle smile. "i'm the owner of this inn. if there's anyone you should thank for, it's definitely your soulmate. you would've suffered the whole period of your body swap if it weren't for his thoughtfulness."

you nodded in understanding. "i see.. but i still am grateful for you stepping in."

"it's no problem, though i'm sure you're starving right now, would you like to eat?"

"yes please."

unlike what you recently went through in xiao's body, xiao was having perhaps one of the most peaceful time he has ever experienced. after all, when will he find an opportunity to not suffer from his karmic debt in this lifetime?

although killing the opponents who came in his way was a hassle, he still found his time enjoyable– with the exception of his mind thinking a lot about your wellbeing in his body. surely verr goldet must've given you the painmeds, right?

besides that, you must've seen the instructions he left for you– but what if you didn't see it and had to go through so much pain later on?

"please be okay." he mumbled under his breath, letting out a worried sigh and continued walking around the land.

unnoticed by the yaksha, you were indeed okay.

"i can see why my soulmate would love these," you commented to verr as you take more bites of the sweet dessert. "what does he do daily?"

verr lets out a nervous laugh. "to be honest, i don't really know what else he does other than hunting demons around the nation. though, you don't have to worry about doing it since xiao insisted that you can spend the whole day here instead."

"oh..." you look down at your plate with a deep frown. what if there's a demon that's hurting people and you couldn't do anything about it?

before you could ask verr, she immediately looks up at where the reception area is. "i have to go now. if you want to know anything, i recall xiao telling me to tell you to look at the instructions in your pocket. i'll be back!" she said before rushing upstairs to tend to one of the visitors, leaving you alone with your food.

you searched for the pocket around your pants, pulling out the piece of paper and read the list.

"should the pain meds run out, please visit a man named zhongli in liyue harbor."

"don't try to hunt for demons unless you want to experience more pain to endure."

"please come to verr goldet if you need something or require food. almond tofu is the only thing i can stomache, unfortunately."

"do not come to public areas if you have no reason to go there. karmic debt– the pain you're going through right now– can be affective to others."

the rest was all more rules for you to read and you're honestly thankful for xiao to write all of this for your sake, now regretting that you didn't do the same for him. what if he isn't aware of what's happening to inazuma?

you take another bite of almond tofu, silently hoping that xiao is doing okay back in your homeland.

to tell you the truth, xiao's definitely doing alright.

the yaksha had never went out of liyue for a very long time until now. sure, he could admit that nothing can beat the beautiful views that liyue can offer but inazuma is a sight to see.

everywhere he went, he found himself being fascinated by everything in this land, looking through ruins and staring at flowers that he himself hasn't seen in all of his life.

not to mention the fact that the mobs that lurks around the areas are different than the ones in liyue.

he would be lying if he said he hadn't thought of getting you out of the nation and come to liyue harbor, but he knew it wasn't up to him to decide on that. if it weren't for his duty in protecting liyue, xiao would've wanted to try and go to inazuma just to keep you safe, but what if you dislike him after everything you went through in his body? what if you didn't like him because he's immortal–

"they won't think such thing." he mumbled to himself, still slightly taken back by the sound of your voice coming out from his mouth as he sat down in an abandoned adventurer camp he spotted, looking forward to try out foods that he can make with the ingredients he found in your inventory.

as the day went by, you spent there in wangshu inn, writing a letter for xiao to read by the time the body switch is over along with visiting the man who can provide you more pain meds. xiao on the other hand spent time adventuring around inazuma trying to not get caught by vision hunters, enjoying his time without karmic debt.

by the end of the day, as the moon rises, the both of you finally found yourselves back in your bodies– with you sighing in relief that you've already finished writing the letter and not having to be in pain again whilst xiao was happy to be back in his homeland.

you then noticed you're in watatsumi island, your home being not too far away from where you're standing, causing you to smile. who knew xiao unknowingly took you back to where you've been heading to?

xiao on the other hand, was sitting on the rooftop of wangshu inn, reading the letter you left with his heart pounding at the words you wrote just for his eyes.

his shoulders instantly relaxes when he reads that you were okay throughout the day–

his mouth twitches upward when he reads the last words you wrote.

"once i come to liyue harbor and escape from inazuma, i wish to meet you and enjoy almond tofus with you."

[phoenixyfriend]

SW Suddenly-Omegaverse AU: Surrogacy, Worldbuilding, Obi-Mom

Truly the main irony of all this is that everyone considers Obi-Wan the Better Omega but Anakin is the one who's actually 👀👀👀 about pregnancy

Obi-Wan: I have the deepest respect for those who do it, but the idea of growing another person inside of me is weird and gross, no, thank you.

Meanwhile Anakin is like. Immediate baby fever. Someone actually approaches him like "hey... there are forms you can fill out to request an exception for pregnancy, and like... regulations" because he's that obvious about it.

I assume that if they've got safety nets for accidental pregnancies, then they're probably aware that there are people who want to do it on purpose? I feel like in an omegaverse where 'biological imperative to procreate' can be so much more intense, then maybe there's old precedent that stuck around even after suppressants got most of those hormones under better control.

Bit torn. Just know I want Anakin to Make Baby.

"Anakin, what are you--" "Do you think offering to be someone's surrogate would be acceptable to the council as a way to be pregnant without getting attached." "...what." "They'd probably accept that as a way to practice not getting attached, right?" "N...no, that's not... what?"

Anakin approaching Bail and Breha and being like “Do you... still want a kid? I would provide a kid. Do you want one here*?”

* in this dimension

Great way to give up the baby as a parent because he'd still be able to see them once in a while but also like... it's not HIS kid, technically. He can be a cool uncle who happened to give birth, which is distant enough to not be 'attached,' but close enough that his Tatooine-raised 'must ensure family is safe whenever possible' background doesn't flip out. It helps that 'Core World Royalty' is like... a top-tier family to be raised in.

(It would have to be post-war because he probably shouldn’t be risking his life while very pregnant. He needs to be reminded of that sometimes.)

Bail/Breha is an alpha/alpha relationship and while a pregnancy is still possible,* it’s a whole lot more difficult, and that's on top of Breha's canon medical issues that resulted in her heart and lungs getting replaced.

* AFAB alphas can get pregnant, and AMAB omegas can inseminate, but the success rate on that angle is much lower than the 'traditional' alpha/omega roles, as is any attempt at reproduction outside rut/heat. They're low-fertility overall for the non-dominant aspect of their reproductive system, which... ha, Anakin and Obi-Wan try to get explanations for why the senary system works the way it does, but it's a very longform history lesson that comes down to 'idk this got cemented so long ago that nobody really knows why anymore.'

AKA "why do you title these roles male omega and female alpha instead of intersex omega and intersex alpha since both parties have both genitals."

ANYWAY

Anakin: I want to make babies. But I don't want to get kicked out of the order. But I don't want to give up my own babies for adoption. But I can't keep my own babies if I want to stay a Jedi. So basically I want to have someone else's babies? Anakin: ...wait shit that's just surrogacy.

Anakin, calling up Obi-Wan: Hey are the Organas still struggling to have a kid? Obi-Wan: ...not really your business. Anakin: You're friends with Bail again though, right? Obi-Wan: I am, but-- Anakin: Do you think they'd want me to be a surrogate? Obi-Wan: What.

I can't decide if it's funnier for the Order to be like "I mean... technically there's no rules against this?" or if this is a precedent set by at least three omegas every generation because that's just how a/b/o manifested for omegas in a biological and cultural sense.

Bail: Wait, your former apprentice is... volunteering... to be our surrogate. Obi-Wan, exhausted: Yes. Bail: He barely knows us. Obi-Wan: He respects you and you're the closest people he knows that want a child and would be good parents. Bail: And he's just... volunteering? Obi-Wan: Yes. Also, you did say your primary worry was that a surrogate might be targeted for assassination and you couldn't ask someone to risk that, right? Anakin is very much able to avoid assassins, and would be staying primarily in the Temple anyway. Very safe, and not particularly scared of assassins in the first place. Bail: Your words say you approve, but your tone says otherwise. Obi-Wan: Anakin considers me his father. I'm not old enough to be a grandparent. Bail: Ah.

Anakin is a surrogate and enjoys it and everything is fine and then like a year later he's accidentally pregnant with his own and Rex's kid, and nobody knows how to ask if it's actually an accident.

A suggestion from @gelpenss:

OH MAN i.... have to drive home. But I just had a thought about like. I always want to poke at Betas in A/B/O like are they “normal” or different from our standard or.... but ANYWAY assuming they have a pheromonal thing I just think it would be neat if betas had the ability to be the Bucket of Cold Water. Like if caught early enough, and with the caveat it’s not permanent, a beta could arrest a rut or heat in its tracks until a more ideal time. Like. They aren’t birth control. But they are the remind me later button.

Okay done driving I am Returned to bring up why I brought up betas and it’s this: well okay 1. It plays nice with a popular but inaccurate dog breeding urban legend that female dogs will like, delay heat cycles? so that the bitches above them in pack hierarchy have first choice of mate selection. And I think in omegaverse it would be cool if that was a Bio Fact, and also historically enforced by the third designation. 2. It gives me an excuse to have betas have the Most Sensitive sense of smell because it’s their “job” to pick up on things before they go too far to be put on pause. 3. I’m just thinkin ‘bout a beta clone [...] just hovering around Obi-Wan because they found out how much stress his heat cycle causes and they’re like “okay cool I will help make sure it does Not”

I want to like a/b/o verses but betas niggle at me. I want to give them a hat and a Function that woulda helped before modern medicine.

I'm not sure how I feel about betas being able to delay heats, but I do like the idea of them having a more sensitive sense of pheromone smell than most. Most aliens assume it's omegas with the best sense of smell, and betas with the worst, but it's more complicated than that because they all specialize: Alphas are actually less attuned to pheromone smells, but more attuned to things that were useful back when humans were still a hunter-gatherer species. Omegas tend to be heightened towards danger smells like fire or aggression, and pheromones relating to children/care. Betas, as suggested above, are very sensitive to pheromone changes relating to mood and behavior of the community around them.

I like the idea that betas were historically the ones that ended up taking care children, unmated omegas, and so on during people's heats and ruts, because they kept their heads about themselves long enough to do things like cook and clean while someone was reeking of hormones. The checks and balances work out that betas may have lower fertility, but it makes them better able to support the network around them.

It works in with humanity's general collective history of thriving the most when working as a community.

Given that I decided that this is Jangobi, the clones might all subconsciously view Obi-Wan as Mom. Not intentionally, but, you know... Obi-Wan the not-evil stepmother. He doesn't know how he got into this situation, but he sure is here, and he sure as hell doesn't know how to get out.

Obi-Wan "I don't need to get pregnant, I have three million stepchildren" Kenobi

I definitely love "clones all want to make Obi-Wan's heats less stressful" but like in a different way from Whatever The Fuck Anakin's Got Going On.

Obi-Wan using the force to dull the pain in a Shiny's broken leg while the medic works on it and the Shiny just mumbles "Thanks mom" and everyone gets very embarrassed and pretends it didn't happen.

But then it happens again. And again.

Obi-Wan asks for an explanation from Cody and gets a halting response that, since Jango is technically their father, and his scent has been all over Obi-Wan recently... and Obi-Wan puts in a lot of effort to take care of them all.......

Anakin overhears the clones calling Obi-Wan "mom" and just. The most judgmental eyebrow raise.... Mostly in the sense of "You never let me call you dad" "Thought you said you weren't anyone's parent." "Hey, hey, Obi-Wan. What the fuck."

BOBA. BOBA ABSOLUTELY CALLS OBI-WAN MOM WHENEVER POSSIBLE. IT'S DEEPLY FRUSTRATING.

Obi-Wan eventually manages to admit that he's uncomfortable with it at minimum because of the gendering the word has for him, can they at least use the neutral 'buir' instead?

Word spreads like fire, takes like two days max for everyone to switch.

(Anakin demands cuddles as compensation for not getting to call Obi-Wan any true parental term for years.)

[a-dorin]

the offer | count dooku

word count: 1,682

warnings: sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship, mentions of illness/death, 18+

a/n: let me know what you guys think or if you want to be removed or added to the taglist! i actually really like this and where it’s going! enjoy :))

summary: as a jedi padawan, you are in search of a way to earn more credits. the pay is not near enough to help with your sick brother, who is suffering from the effects of the war. one night, you spot an advertisement, with an offer you can’t refuse. 

“so i presume you’re serious about this relationship?” his image glowed a blue hue on the holoprojector, “i was unsure if your cry for help was a fallacy, young jedi.”

“i-i need some assistance,” you mumbled, a blush spreading through your cheeks. 

“you need financial assistance,” his voice was smooth, edged with satisfaction, “one of my droids in charge of the program was notified of your submission only a few hours ago.”

“that didn’t take long,” you muttered under your breath. 

“well it seems as if you were the sole individual who took interest in my program,” he chuckled darkly, clasping his hands together, “what is that you seek from me? credits? clothing? training?”

you drew in a sigh, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, “i am seeking credits.”

“credits for what? a new lightsaber?” he scoffed, “regardless, i will have an encrypted transmission sent to the temple on coruscant. from there, i ask that you do not show any of your little jedi friends nor speak with them about us. this is a matter in which they will have no involvement. after you have read the transmission, i ask that we coordinate a time and place in which we will discuss the parameters of the program in detail. you will also sign the contract during this meeting. do you understand, (y/n)?”

the way your name rolled off his tongue sent a shiver down your spine. you nodded, biting your lip, “yes, count dooku. i will contact you once i have read the documents.”

“perfect,” the count rumbled, “now, i have other matters to attend to. i hope to be in contact with you soon.”

his image disappeared from the holoprojector, your mind buzzing. in the many years of your jedi training, there was one mantra that was practically burned into your mind: the sith are the enemy of the jedi. they are pure evil and cannot be trusted. your stomach churned, anxiety bubbling up, a torrent of emotions raging within you. part of you was exhilarated that you were going to be forming a relationship with the infamous count dooku, leader of the separatists, one with the dark side.. the latter, however, was dread. how were you going to manage to keep this a secret from your master? let alone the jedi?

yet, one night, you were strolling coruscant, out for some fresh air. you were on the outskirts of the sketchier areas of the sprawling ecmenopolis, where rogues and bounty hunters gathered in dimly lit cantinas. an advertisement glowing in the night caught your eye, the bold print piquing your attention. you found yourself pausing in front of the advertisement, eyes scanning over it. 

the advertisement entailed a relationship with the sith lord himself, count dooku. from the advertisement, it appeared that you would be rewarded with an abundance of credits, the finest robes, as well as a lavish lifestyle. the only requirement was an application. the application itself seemed simple, to send in some brief information about yourself, then transmit it to the headquarters of the separatist leader, at castle serenno. 

no matter how much of your logic was screaming at you to refuse the offer, the harsh reality was that you were in need of credits. the jedi didn’t pay much to begin with, and since you were still a padawan, you were given practically nothing. was your greed speaking over your logic? potentially. 

so, you submitted an application. you described your physical appearance, your personality traits, along with your occupation. you felt no need to lie, pondering if the count would even glance at an application sent by a jedi. turns out, he did. 

now, you were sitting in your quarters, cross-legged on your bed, your hands trembling as you gripped the datapad. it beeped, signaling that you had a message. it was an old text, yet so familiar to you. it was your native language from your home planet of takodana. eagerly, your eyes read the message, your breath hitching in your throat. 

below are the parameters of our relationship. please, read them over and do not hesitate to inquire about any of the regulations or rules when we meet in person. i am looking forward to meeting you for the first time. we shall meet on coruscant as soon as possible, tonight around eight p.m.. i will have a shuttle escort you our designated location. you will find that shuttle with ease. 

best, count dooku. 

your eyes widened, heart racing in your chest as you read the message further. the instructions were in great length, detailed and precise. after all, you were not expecting this to be a simple task. exhaling, you figured that it would be best to get to reading them. you had no current assignments under the council or your master, so you had all of the free time in the galaxy.

settling down, your back hit your mattress, emerging yourself within the text. 

7:45 p.m. 

“are you the droid sent for me?” your voice wavered, adrenaline coursing through your veins. 

“according to my databank, you are (y/n) (y/l/n),” the droid was cold, “i am the escorter, here to serve you.”

“i have a meeting with you master,” you murmured, “are you going to lead me to him?”

“i am,” the droid responded, “come with me. we have to fly across the city.”

taking one last glance at your surroundings, your heart thudded against your ribcage, you mind buzzing. there was were no familiar faces around, informing you that it was safe to proceed. although you were concealed by a hooded cloak, you still felt vulnerable, as if this was some sort of trap. yet, you felt a strange urge to follow the droid, to board the shuttle. 

“i can sense that you are anxious,” the droid remarked, “you have no need to be nervous. this is not a trap.”

“do you know who i am?” you snorted, “i have every damn right to be anxious.”

“i know who you are. you are (y/n) (y/l/n) of takodana. you are an apprentice under the jedi master kit fisto.”

“damn you’re good,”  your eyes widened. 

“my name is pako,” the shuttle hummed to life, “i am here to serve you and my master, count dooku.”

“good evening pako,” a giggle rose in your throat. 

“good evening miss (y/n),” he chirped. 

pako flew over the city, the lights glowing underneath you. civilians milled around, maglev trains zooming, approaching their destinations. wonder rippled through your being, as you never realized the beauty of coruscant like this before. it was breathtaking. 

several minutes later, the shuttle landed, outside of a brightly lit cantina. the bass vibrated the small ship, pako rising to his feet. 

“come, my master awaits.” 

the doors of the shuttle slid open, and your heart nearly stopped. there, stood count dooku, towering over you. his silver hair glowed in the night, his eyes hardened and dark, gleaming with power. his aura radiated sheer strength and intelligence, his arms folded across his chest. his cape billowed in the breeze, his saber glittering, attached to his hip. 

his lips curved into a slight smile as his eyes drank in the sight of you, “i was wondering if you would back out. come, we have much to discuss.”

dooku offered his elbow, and hesitantly, you accepted it. the two of you strolled into the cantina, pako a few steps behind, keeping watch. the cantina was crawling with thieves, pirates, and bounty hunters, their eyes falling on you as you clutched the count’s elbow, shrinking in your cloak. their eyes were hungry, as if they had discovered a valuable treasure.  

“pay no mind to them little one,” dooku rumbled, “they will not touch me. and i certainly will not let them lay a finger on you.”

“i’m just nervous,” you mumbled, your cheeks hot. 

“i can sense it,” dooku’s tone was warm, “you have nothing to fear, (y/n).”

dooku found a clean table, pulling out a chair for you. gingerly, you sat down, your hands clasped on the table. he ensured that you were settled before he took his own seat, an eyebrow arched, “so, do you have any questions for me regarding the rules?”

you bit your lip, careful to avoid the count’s intense gaze, “i guess i’m just not sure what this relationship entails.”

dooku chuckled softly, “it is nothing sexual, (y/n), i can assure you of that. what i am seeking is more emotional. i am seeking out an emotional connection. someone who can visit me, listen to what i have to say, and give me their loyalty.”

“so this is nothing romantic?”

“there may be some romantic tension, potentially. that will be far in the future, however. i am intrigued onto why you submitted an application. surely any jedi knows better not to interact with a sith lord,” dooku’s voice was smooth, elegant, “tell me, why did you apply?”

you swallowed thickly, “i-i, i need credits for my family. you see, there was a chemical raid on takodana. my younger brother, he’s only four years old. he has a weak immune system, and is very sick. the fumes left by the separatist squadrons almost killed him. he is still recovering, but the cost of medical attention is quite strenuous for my family. so far, all of my credits have been sent home to my family, in order to help alleviate the cost.”

dooku’s lips pursed, his eyes softening, “i ask that you send me the coordinates of your residence after our meeting. inform me of their fees and i will have those paid off immediately. i am so sorry for the little one, (y/n). it appears that this war has gravely affected those who are not directly involved.”

“t-thank you,” you stammered, “how can i repay you?”

“you will repay me,” dooku smirked, “you will be my sugar baby, (y/n) (y/l/n), and i have a premonition that we are going to form a wonderful relationship.”

********

tagged: @doobiwankenooku , @sapphicstars , @demonquartz , @everythinggeeky , @overcastgravestone , @smokahuntis ,  @batsdothings , @whitegirlinstarwars , @barelysurvivingbutheypythagoras , @failinggrace , @nottodaysatan-8866​ , @whoisaribeary​ , @mackstrut​ , @theknightsofwren​ , @two-black-leviathans​ , @kyberphilosopher​ , @salvatore-sister​ , @alwayshappysith​ , @amazinggraceling​ , @pedrosdoll​ , @eknnke​ , @rosesrealm​ , @damienmoonart​ , @monets-corner​ , @jaylovecraft​ , @starflyer-104​ , @maidofsionis​ , @witchy-goth-unicorn​ , @catsnkooks​ , @shytastemakerthing​ , @theclonewarsbrokeme​ , @crystallinee​ 

[lilulo-12]

Wonder of You- 1

So I shouldn’t be starting another fic. I literally have like 5 I’ve been working on that fell by the way side after having surgery. But I started watching Supernatural. (Currently on Season 8) and I had to do it. I had to start another one.

So I’m doing an original character. I really hate using “Y/N” and things like that. But feel free to substitute her info for yours! There’s going to be this part and another part that set the story up and then we’ll go from there. I”m hoping this isn’t horrendous. Enjoy!! Story is below the cut. 

Chapter 1: Growing Up Winchester

She was an honorary Winchester. Her mother and father had been killed by a group of demons when she was only 12 years old. Her father had been a hunter and for the first time in his life, a creature of the night had gotten one over him. She had made it to the safe room in time. The demons didn’t know she was in the house when they got there, her mother had bravely distracted them but she couldn’t get away. She watched in horror as she was brutally murdered and then her father. He had been so distraught when he saw his dead wife that he hadn’t stood a chance. 

He often worked with John Winchester, like John, someone he loved had been killed by a demon too. In fact, John had been in the area and was on his way to help after he got the call, but had gotten there too late. Her father and John had a pact; if either of them died, they would take care of the other’s family. John had found her almost catatonic in the safe room once he entered the code. “C’mon sweetheart, lets pack your things. I’m taking you home.” He took her hand and led her to her room where she packed her wardrobe, pointe shoes, drawing supplies and books. John let her bring a blanket and her pillow.  He wisely grabbed some mementos and photos of her parents. You remembered looking through the back window of his Impala as the house went up in flames.

Once they got to the motel room he sent her to shower and get ready for bed. Dean and Sam weren't sure what was going on. Their father had never brought home a stray before. Dean took her in. petite almost wasn't enough to describe her. She had long almost black curly hair hair, freckles and haunted blue-green eyes. Her eyes were almost turquoise. They reminded Dean of the color of the oceans he'd seen pictures of from tropical climates. John told his boys what had happened when he heard the shower turn on. "Her name is Blake Fitzgerald. She's family now." Sam was just a year younger than her and wasn’t impressed. “She has so much stuff.” He had huffed jealously out of character. John knew he was at a tough age and was more accustomed to John’s strict rules. Normally John would have lit into him, but Dean had beat him to it. “Shut up Sammy. She just watched both her parents die and lost everything. If some stuff helps her, we’ll make room. I’ll take care of her Dad, don’t worry.” John smiled at his eldest son. 

That night she woke up screaming after reliving the death of her parents. John had watched how Dean had jumped up and woke her quickly. He waited until her breathing regulated and then brought her some water. He had pulled her into a hug and held her, telling her that she wasn’t alone. “You’re a Winchester now and I’m going to keep you safe” Dean had whispered. “Pinky Promise?” Your voice made you sound small. “Pinky Promise.” With that Dean linked his pinky in hers for a moment. John watched as he laid down and lightly scratched her back like a protective big brother until she fell asleep. John swelled with pride over his eldest son. He had been worried about bringing a young girl into their fold but he knew everything would be okay. Sam would get there. Being a 11 year old boy was hard. John knew Dean would kick him into gear. John also couldn’t help but smile at the idea of having a little girl to spoil. Mary had always wanted a daughter. 

When she had first come to stay with them she had been incredibly and understandably withdrawn. John had been worried. Neither he or Dean had any idea how to help her. John was so worried that he had taken a month long hiatus from the hunt. He had rented a house for the 4 of them. The continuous moves wouldn’t help her adjust to her new life or mourn the loss of her old one. After a few days of being there John had sat down with her to talk about what happened. He had kept Sam in the dark about monsters for as long as he could. He wasn’t sure if her father had done the same, but she saw what she saw. She had stood as he was mid-sentenced and held her finger up. John had never been silenced like that. She came back with a leather bound sketchbook. “My Daddy told me everything. My mom too. They didn’t want to hide it from me, they were too afraid that not knowing would get me killed.” She handed John the book. As he flipped through it was one of the most extensive Hunter’s Journal he had ever seen with full drawings of the hunted monsters. “After every hunt when he got home, he would tell me everything. I documented the hunt and sketched by his description. He didn’t want me to ever forget what he knew. If you’ll let me, I’d like to continue. I think it’s what my dad would want. I think he would want me to carry on.” John had taken her hand and squeezed it. “I’d like that very much sweetheart. You’re apart of the team now and we all do our part.” She had nodded, stood to put the book back. “I want you to know that I will take care of you. I promised your Dad that I would take care of you like my own if it ever came down to it. I will keep you safe.” She gave John a half smile.  “I know. My dad told me about the pact you had made. Thank you for honoring it.” John had wanted to say more but he didn’t know how to say it. She, like Dean was far too wise beyond her years.

It took Sam only about a week to accept the girl. He had caught her staring at a picture of her parents one early morning. She had been sitting on the couch, chin on her knees, picture held in front of her face, a few errant tears slipping down. Sam sat down on the couch, studying her face and felt his stony exterior crack. “My mom died too. I’m so sorry you had to watch it happen to yours. And I’m sorry I’ve been such a jerk.” She didn’t say anything, but reached out and took his hand and squeezed it. John had been relieved when he saw the thaw between the two. Sam became her best friend and she was his confidant. She ended up being a much needed barrier between Sam and John Winchester. The two were like oil and water. Having her with them had John cutting down on his drinking and made him check his temper. She stepped in between the two many times, trying to make John understand how Sam felt and vice versa. She was truly the rose between two thorns. She was smart, probably smarter than the 3 of them and had common sense to boot. Other than documenting what she could, she would help Sam with research and listen to his dream of  a normal life. She understood the feeling, but related more to Dean and John’s desire to protect innocent people and get revenge against the monsters that ruined her life. 

Dean was her savior. She was to be protected, no matter the cost. John didn’t even need to ask him to protect her. It started the day he laid his eyes on her, seeing her so broken. She flourished in the attention Dean gave her. It was Dean that pulled her out of the deep melancholy she felt and made her feel like she had a place with them. Dean was the one she confessed her deepest darkest fears to. The fear that the death of her parents left a darkness inside and a hole that could only be filled with violent revenge. Dean would scoff, to him, she was the most pure living thing he’d ever encountered. She was full of grace and light. "You're not going to go dark. I wont let you." He had sworn to her. She looked up at him with her haunting blue eyes. "Pinky Promise?" She had put her hand up with her pinky out. He didn't say anything, just linked his pinky with hers. She was an empath and her ability to understand the feelings of others often left him awestruck. He couldn't understand Sam's feelings and you could.

There wasn’t anything Dean wouldn’t do to make her happy. After a couple of weeks he confronted her on her restlessness and she confessed your love of ballet and how much she missed it. She was certain it would be impossible to continue while being on the move; But Dean was determined that she wouldn’t lose that outlet. He would find a place for her to dance in whichever city or town they ended up in. He would charm teachers into letting her join a class here and there. He would bust in so you could practice with out a class for a few hours. Dean, though he wouldn’t admit it, could watch her for hours. He was mesmerized by how effortless she made it look. Dean was the only one that could quell the nightmares. She woke up screaming at night more times than not. Dean would get out of the bed he shared with Sam and climb into hers and like the first night he’d lightly scratch her back until she fell back to sleep. It was always the same nightmare. The feeling of being helpless ate at her more often than not.

 It wasn’t until she was 15 and Dean was going on 18 that John wondered about their relationship. The way Dean looked at her changed, he always looked at you like you hung the moon, but the context was different.  John, at first was worried that maybe as she got older she should have your own room, but few  cheap motels had adjacent rooms. The one and only time he suggested it, she broke out in a severe panic attack at the thought of being alone. Once the panic subsided she just sobbed. It was one of the few times she let John see her break, she always put up a tough girl front with him. He held her like the daughter he had seen you as since the day he took her shaking hand to bring her home. “I’m 15 and I’m afraid of the dark”. He gave you his winning Winchester smile. “Sweetheart, I’m a grown ass man and still afraid of the dark” she laughed and hugged him. “Thank you for becoming my Daddy. Thank you for saving me. I don't think I ever said that." John couldn’t respond. He couldn’t speak. He just hugged her tighter and never brought up the idea of separating her from the 3 of them again. The next day, however, he made the decision to teach her to fight every monster he knew. He and Dean would work on fighting and shooting. While he wasn’t  keen on her hunting, he’d be damned if she would end up defenseless and dead.

She was tiny, barely 5'3", but that made her more useful than not. Ballet kept her lean and agile and the weight training made her strong and tough. Dean noticed her punches packing more power behind them. John couldn’t have been prouder the day she outright kicked Dean’s ass. Dean was cocky and never expected her toreally  be able to take him. She was half his size, but used his size against him. “The bigger they are, the harder they fall Dee.” she quipped at him with a wink. While John Winchester would always worry about your safety, he knew you were going to be okay. Sam had a grin on his face after she had sashayed away from Dean. "You're little...but you're big." Dean had scoffed. "Sammy- that makes no damn sense." but Dean knew he was right.

She didn't ask for much, so when she did want something it was non-negotiable. She insisted on celebrating birthdays and holidays, even in small ways. John couldn’t say no to taking a day off here and there but when her 16th birthday rolled around John had been stuck on a hunt. She was disappointed, beyond disappointed. Most girls her age had these huge parties, wore these fancy dresses and got ridiculously expensive gifts. She had been invited to a few parties if they were in one place for long enough. She didn’t want a big party or a fancy gift, she definitely didn't need that. She just wanted one perfect day with the 3 men who saved her in more ways than she could count. She did your best to hide her sadness at the lack of John Winchester. She headed to bed early, hoping that at least the universe would give her a reprieve from her nightmares for at least one night.  At midnight, she was still awake, feigning sleep. She felt herr bed sink down unknowingly from Dean’s weight. “Wake up baby doll” he whispered in your ear and she rolled from her side to her back, hoping he wouldn't notice she had been crying. There sat Dean Winchester with a hot pink “Sweet 16” birthday hat on and Vanilla Cupcake loaded with chocolate frosting, herr favorite. It had a huge candle glowing. “Happy Birthday Darlin’” he said with the biggest grin on his face. “Make a wish”. As she closed her eyes a tear fell and you felt his thumb wipe it away. She felt a shiver down her spine and blew out the candle. He set the cupcake on the night stand and when he turned back around she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him. He held her more tightly and longer than he ever had before. “I promise you, this will be the best birthday you’ve ever had.” She nodded. “Pinky promise?” He laughed and linked his pinky with hers. “Always”. Dean Winchester did not disappoint.

They spent the day at the local carnival eating as much fried food as the two of them could stomach, playing games and riding the best rides. His face hurt from laughing as she screamed in delight on the tallest roller coaster she had ever been on. Her laugh was like music to his ears and he didn't hear it nearly enough. At night he put his arm around her and pulled her close as they waited at the top of the Ferris Wheel.  As they descended, the way he was looking at her, she was certain he was going to kiss her. It was at that moment that she realized she wanted him to but then something flickered behind his eyes and he kissed her forehead instead. “Happy Birthday.” You smiled at him. “Best one yet.” Dean carried the prizes he had won for her  in one hand and held her hand in the other as they walked to the car.

Sam had been a little pissed that he wasn’t allowed to go with the two of them but John had insisted he stay behind in case he needed something. Sam couldn’t resent her for his father’s behavior. He just wished his father cared about what he wanted as much as he did about her wants. His anger subsided when she burst into the motel room with your cheeks rosy from the sun and happiness, her eyes shining at him. She ran over and hugged him. “I missed you today.” He hugged you back. “As long as you had a good day, that’s all that mattress.” It was rare to see you so happy. He looked at his brother with grateful eyes. Sam loved you, but not in the way that Dean loved you, for that he was certain. He also knew that neither one of you realized it yet.

John came home that night with a little box wrapped in pink paper. She scrunched her eyebrows. "We don't do gifts." John smiled and pushed the package towards her. "It's nothing crazy. I saved an old broad that owned a vintage shop. I told her it was my kid's 16th birthday. She was grateful for the salt and burn so she let me pick something out for you." It was a white gold pearl ring with two little diamonds on the side. She shook her head no. "This is too much." John gave her a look. She took it out of the box and slid it on the middle finger of her right hand. "Thank you." He gave her the half smile that she saw from Dean all of the time. "You're welcome sweetheart." 

School had been a difficult transition. She went from having a ton of friends to feeling completely and utterly alone. She missed her dance team friends. She went from being popular to a social pariah.  The only thing that saved her was that she was seen with Dean. He was popular wherever they went, so no one messed with her. Once he was done with school, that changed. As the years went on, being with the Winchesters influenced her. She was no longer a girly ballerina. While she certainly was still a dancer, her sense of style changed completely. She lived in combat boots, jeans and an asymmetrical leather jacket over t-shirts and tank tops. Any skirt or dress she had was paired with tights, her boots and jacket. The girls loved to look down on her and the boys loved to harass her. She would never share her struggles with the boys. She didn't want them to get involved. Her goal was to study hard and get her diploma early and then decide her next move from there. 

Things seemed to be different when she was almost 17. They had been staying in the same place for a while. John had a solid lead on the yellow eyed demon and he wanted the 3 of them to stay put. She had made a couple of friends and had even met a boy she liked. She had been thrilled when he asked her to the prom. She had never thought that she would ever have the opportunity to do something that normal. The night he asked her was a night that John had been back with them for a day or so. "Sweetheart, you seem almost giddy...what's up?" He had said when she came home from school. John was used to her more mellow, no nonsense attitude. She smiled brightly and told him and asked him if it was okay that she went. Seeing her so happy and excited about something so simple made it impossible to say no. He handed Dean some money and told him to take her shopping for a dress and some shoes to wear. Dean had been jealous of this boy since the day he saw him put his hand on the small of her back when he went to pick her up from school. He knew he had no right to be, but the way she looked at the kid was the way she often looked at him; But who was he to deny her. 

That weekend they drove to a small shop in town, she wouldn't let him take her to the mall or any place that had expensive dresses. That was one of the things he loved about her, how simple she liked things and how reasonable she was. They entered a second hand store and within a half an hour she had four dresses in a little dressing room. Dean sat and waited as she tried them on. She only stepped out of the room in one of them, and he felt like she knocked the air out of him. There she stood in a black sweetheart neck strapless dress with a fitted bodice and the skirt was made of all tulle. It reminded him of a ballet costume, and it was perfect for her. "You look...wow." was all he could say. "It's not too plain?" She was busy examining herself in the mirror and couldn't see the look in his eyes. "No. That dress was made for you." She turned and grinned at him. She found herself a pair of strappy black sandals to go with it. As he was at the register paying she was browsing around the store. He glanced in the glass showcase and saw a silver necklace with a diamond pendant. He discreetly asked the owner to include it in the order. While her dress and shoes cost far less than John had anticipated, Dean still had to dip into his own cash reserves. To him, it was money well worth it. 

A couple of weeks later, Dean watched as she did her makeup and put her hair into an elaborate up do. She placed her mother's diamond studs into her ears and adjusted the ring that John had given her for her 16th birthday. She went into the bathroom and shut the door to get dressed. Dean looked up when the door opened, the necklace in his pocket, she looked out at him sheepishly. "The zipper is stuck, can you help me?" He nodded and walked over. He stood behind her, staring at her in the bathroom mirror, his fingers fumbling with the zipper. He noticed how her skin erupted with goose bumps when his thumb grazed her spine. After he zipped her up he smiled at her, but didn't move. She gave him a questioning look, but had her answer when she saw him clasp the necklace. "Dean...where did you get this?" Her eyes were wide. "At that shop. I got it when you weren't looking. I figured it would go perfectly with your dress." She turned around and threw her arms around his neck. "Thank you so much." And she pressed her lips to his cheek. His heart skipped a beat and then he watched her walk out the door to go spend the night with some other guy. 

She stood outside waiting for him to come pick her up. She had been honest with him about moving around a lot, about how John took her in after her parents death and that his job had him on the road. She didn't want him to be surprised when her home address was a motel. She saw his car pull up and watched him get out, but she could see someone else in the car. "Wow...you clean up nice for a piece of trash. Where are your combat boots?" She looked at him wide eyed. "Wh..what?" She saw the window in the car roll down and one of her new "friends" was in the passenger seat. "I mean...did you really think I liked you? It was a bet with my friends to see if I could get you. Get you to think you were special. You're a joke. This was a joke. Something to pass the time with my buddies. She's my date." He pointed to the car. He laughed and shook his head. "See ya at school on Monday." She wouldn't let him see her cry. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction. "What a LOSER!" you heard the girl yell from the car laughing. Once the car was out of sight, she sank down and sat on the curb and put her face in her hands. A little while later, Sam came walking up the sidewalk after a trip to the library and he saw her sitting there. He looked at his watch, knowing she should have been at the dance already. "Hey...what happened?" He squatted down in front of her, face filled with concern. "Sam...please. Please just leave me alone. Thank you for asking, but I just want to be left alone." He could feel his eyes on her and then heard him slowly rise and then heard the door shut. 10 minutes later, Dean was outside. He draped his leather jacket over her shoulders. "C'mon sweetheart, I'm taking you someplace." She wouldn't even meet his eyes, she couldn't even look at him. "C'mon, get in the car or I'm picking you up and putting you there myself." After a deep breath, she stood, not looking at him and got into the car.

 She stared out the window as he drove. She wouldn't talk about what happened, but he could guess. He could rip that kids face off for hurting her like that. He looked down at her hand that was resting on the seat. He placed his hand next to it and linked his pinky with hers. She looked at him for the first time and saw that he was wearing a suit. "Dean...I'm not going to that prom. What are you doing?" He looked at her and gave her the kind of smile that made the skin around his eyes crinkle. "Of course you're not going to that prom." He said nothing more and a few moments later he was pulling down a dirt road. There was a small park with an old swing set and there was a little bridge over a small pond. He pulled the car right onto the grass. She sat there confused as he got out. He came over and opened her door and put his hand out. She placed her small hand in his and let him help her out of the car. 

She watched as he went back to the driver's side of the car and turned the radio on so they had some music. After rolling down all the windows he looked over at her. "Dean...you look really nice." He smiled again. "That's because I'm looking at you." She didn't know what to say. The sky was clear and full of stars and the moon was full and bright. This was like from a movie. "You deserve to have a Prom and everything that you want. That kid is a prick and he doesn't deserve to breath the same air as you." She walked over to him and put her hand on his cheek. "I don't need a Prom." He put his hand over hers. "You deserve it. C'mon, dance with me." He pulled her close to him and wrapped one arm around his neck. She rested her other hand on his shoulder and let him hold her closer than he ever had. They slowly swayed to Elvis singing "Can't Help Falling In Love." In that moment she knew she loved him. She loved him in a way that she shouldn't, in a way that would complicate everything. 

When the song ended, she stayed in his arms. She felt him take a hold of her chin and tilt her head up towards him. He studied her turquoise eyes for a moment and then he was kissing her. He could have kissed her forever. They danced a little more and then sat on the swings for a while. All of the hurt feelings had dissipated. This was the perfect prom, Dean was the perfect date. She stared up at the stars for a while. She wanted to etch this memory in her brain forever. She looked over at him. "Thank you." was all she could say. "You deserve the best of everything. And I'll move heaven and earth to give it to you." The intensity in his gaze took her by surprise. "Pinky promise?" She asked him. It was their thing. "Pinky promise?  “Always" and he snaked his pinky around hers. 

They made their way back to the motel room after midnight. Sam gave Dean a pointed look when they got back. She didn't know what it meant. The two of them could speak without saying anything at all. John came out of the bathroom. "There's my girl. Are you okay? Sammy told me that little asshole hurt you." Sam was always taken by surprise the way his father doted on her. He sometimes wondered if she reminded him of their mother, not in looks, but in personality. "I'm okay. Dean took care of me. He always does." John hugged her and kissed her forehead. "Good. Listen, we're going to be leaving in a day or so, so you wont have to see those kids again." She hesitated for a moment. All 3 Winchesters watched her, waiting for whatever it was she was going to say. "I want to test out of High School. I don't want to do this anymore. I know that I can pass all of the exams. I just want to be done with all of this." John took a deep breath and nodded. "Anything you want sweetheart." She nodded.

 "I'm also setting up an audition with Juilliard. I'll take a bus to New York if I need to. I want to dance. I love that more than anything, it's the only thing I have left that makes me feel like me. And if I can't hack it, then I'll help you." Dean felt like he was kicked in the stomach. He thought they were starting something, but she wanted to leave. "You're not hunting. No way." John told her. Sam's head snapped up. His father always made it known that he was expected to join the "Family Business". College wasn't an option. "We'll get you to that audition and none of this talk about not getting in. You're a Winchester, whatever you put your mind to, you'll be able to do it."

 She didn't make eye contact with Dean. She knew he was going to be confused and hurt. She couldn't ruin what they had. If they got together and it didn't work out, their relationship was destroyed. She knew John would shoot down her staying to help them. She needed to get away from Dean until she could get over what she felt for him. Once she felt settled, she could come back.  

[matthewbane]

jace wayland has bpd

jace is heavily coded as borderline, and i wanted to create a masterpost of sorts about jace and his symptoms as a reference for myself and anyone else interested in this headcanon :)

what is bpd?

bpd stands for borderline personality disorder, a mental illness that impacts a person’s ability to regulate their emotions and manage relationships. it is also characterized by fear of abandonment, unstable self-image, black and white thinking, impulsivity, feelings of emptiness, and dangerous behaviors.

below the cut, i’ve presented all of the evidence i have noticed supporting the headcanon that jace has bpd. if you have any questions or comments, my ask box is always open!

*content warning for mentions of abuse, death, suicide, self-harm, and alcohol*

how does jace exhibit bpd?

1. extreme fear of abandonment

in 1x12, jace becomes preoccupied by the idea that jocelyn abandoned him as a child

jace: “at best, jocelyn is the woman who abandoned me.” clary: “hey, that is not true. my mother would never abandon her son. she thought you were dead.” jace: “or maybe she just didn't want me.”

valentine manipulates jace by reinforcing this belief in 2x01 - jace: “you told me i never had a mother.” valentine: “what did you want me to say? that i saved you and that your mother deserted you? she left you to die in idris.”

in 2x08, under iris’ magic, jace hallucinates that maryse wants to disown and kill him

maryse: “max is right. you're not his brother. you were a ten-year-old left on our doorstep. we had no choice but to take you in.” 

this exemplifies how jace feels like a stray (1x02) and one of his biggest fears is that the lightwoods don’t actually care about him

jace’s turbulent relationships means he constantly “loses” the people close to him

jace suffered real abandonment as well: he believed that his birth parents were both deceased

2x03 - jace: “i know what it’s like to lose someone you love.”

2x03 - jace: “please don’t leave me, alec.” (as opposed to saying “please don’t die,” jace emphasizes his relationship with alec)

i think one reason why the parabatai ceremony is appealing to jace is that it links him and alec together forever. it ensures that until death, jace will never be truly alone

2x03 - jace: “once we get our parabatai runes, we’ll officially be brothers. nothing can change that.”

2. Favorite Person™: clary

a favorite person (fp) refers to someone that a person with bpd is emotionally dependent on and often infatuated with. they idealize this person, to the point of changing opinions and behaviors to gain their approval [x]. not all people with bpd have an fp, and some lose/gain fps over time, but having a favorite person is a well-known and common bpd experience. 

i have written about this before here, but i will gladly reiterate my thoughts. i believe that clary is jace’s favorite person. he meets clary and within a matter of hours has prioritized her needs over everything else, acting more reckless and delinquent than usual in order to gain clary’s approval. he also idealizes her, very often taking her side in arguments and reassuring her that bad events that happen aren’t her fault. here are some examples of jace treating clary like his fp: 

1x03 - jace: “this isn’t about the mundane, this is about clary.”

1x07 - clary: “right now, clary is the only thing that matters.”

1x09 - alec: “you always broke the rules, but never the law, not until [clary] showed up.”

1x12 - jace: “i know it seems like i've been making a lot of crazy choices lately. and i know you think that i was only thinking about myself and clary, and i wasn't thinking about the consequences to anyone else.”

2x07 - jace: “alec sent you? tell him I’m off duty.” luke: “it’s clary. she’s in trouble.” [jace immediately goes to help]

3. identity disturbance: unstable self-image or sense of self

he grew up thinking his father was Michael Wayland, who has passed away--but wait, he’s alive--oh wait, his dad was actually Valentine the whole time--oh, and Jocelyn is also his mother and Clary, his sister--oh wait, nope, he’s actually not related to Valentine or Jocelyn--oh wai... 

his status as a lightwood is also... inconsistent

1x12 - jace: “i don’t know who i am anymore. there’s darkness in me. it’s always been there.”

here’s a great gifset about jace’s unstable identity

people with bpd tend to enjoy labeling ourselves because it helps to solidify our identity and explain our experiences. jace is labeled in two main ways: 

he’s often known as The Best Shadowhunter™  “fastest, strongest, fiercest” (1x02) / “our best soldier” (1x08) /  “the legend, jace wayland” (1x09) / “a legend in idris” (1x09)

and he’s the stereotypical Attractive Guy™ “I’m denying [mundanes] all this.” [gestures to his body] (1x02) / “hello, have you seen the guy?” (1x02) / hooking up with seelies (2x07) / giving simon dating advice (2x07)

jace plays up those stereotypes, even though we know he isn’t as cocky and confident as he seems, because they help give him an identity, a mask, a grip on Who He Is

4. identity disturbance: black & white thinking

people with bpd often suffer from black & white thinking - people, including ourselves, are either Good or Bad and we have trouble distinguishing the gray area in between. after discovering that he was raised by valentine and that he was injected with demon blood, jace believes that he is inherently Bad™ (+and valentine encourages this way of thinking)

1x11 - jace: “there’s something wrong with me.”

1x11 - clary: “[your father] broke your falcon’s neck.” jace: “i ruined it.”

1x13 - alec: “you can’t let [valentine] control you like this! this isn’t you!” jace: “it is me. it’s always been me. he raised me to be a killer.”

1x13 - clary: “you’re not like him. i’m not! you’re not!” jace: “you don’t know that, clary.”

2x04 - victor: “’to love is to destroy.’ [...] do you agree with that sentiment?” jace: “yes.”

jace believes he will hurt the people he loves and that anyone he loves will die or leave him

this way of thinking is also manipulated by valentine, who makes jace believe that he is inherently bad and dangerous // more about this: here, here, and here.

2x01 - valentine manipulates jace into killing turned shadowhunters and multiple downworlders

2x01 - valentine: “even a single drop of demon blood running in your veins makes you a threat to humanity.”

2x01 - valentine: “you really think love will keep you from hurting your family and friends? no matter how hard you fight it, demon blood will make you kill.”

2x10 - valentine preys on jace’s self-destructive/sacrificial tendencies and tricks him into grabbing the soul sword, making him responsible for killing dozens of downworlders

5. impulsivity in potentially self-damaging ways (e.g., substance abuse, reckless driving, etc)

jace is canonically self-destructive, known to be reckless, and often disregards authority 

1x03 - jace purposefully antagonizes and steals a vampire’s motorcycle

1x09 - alec to jace: “you always broke the rules”

1x13 - jace disappears without warning, and decides to contact valentine and return to him without consulting anyone else (alec: “he went after valentine by himself. it’s like he totally lost it. i tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen.”)

2x07 - jace is promiscuous, possibly using sex as self-harm

2x09 - jace leaves simon and clary, without warning and against simon’s judgement, to confront valentine and save madzie alone

2x10 - jace grabs the soul sword, despite believing it will kill him

we can also infer that jace uses alcohol as a coping mechanism 

6. suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

some examples where we can infer jace as suicidal:

1x09 - jace: “i don’t want to be alive if we’re on different sides, alec.”

2x03 - jace: “my brother is counting on me. you can kill me, just please let me get to him first.”

2x04 - after victor’s questioning, jace tries to kill himself with the soul sword

2x10 - simon: “i would have killed you.” jace: “i would have let you.”

2x10 - jace goes through with the suicide mission to grab the soul sword

7. highly emotional with bouts of intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (often followed by intense shame/guilt)

jace has angry outbursts at alec in 1x03, 1x05, 1x09, 1x11, and 2x07

jace apologizes in 1x12

1x13 - jace is so angry while fighting hodge that he needs to be stopped by alec

2x01 - jace impulsively flings a kitchen knife at valentine

2x05 - jace: “clary, i spent my whole life fighting my emotions.”

8. chronic feelings of emptiness or severe dissociative symptoms.

1x02 - jace: “it's cute. you assume i have feelings.” 

in 2x01, valentine disguises as clary and baits jace into trying to escape from the ship before revealing that he wasn’t actually clary. this isn’t an example of dissociation itself, but the fact that val manipulates jace’s sense of reality may affect his ability to distinguish real from unreal, friend from foe, etc even after he escapes from the ship

2x05 - while in prison, jace has a nightmare of stabbing clary

2x05 - clary: “how do you feel?” jace: “i don’t know.”

2x07 - jace hooks up with kaelie at magnus’ loft, and then is later seen at the hunter’s moon with several other women. as mentioned earlier, this is speculation, but i think jace is acting out, trying to fill an emptiness re: his still strained relationships with clary and alec, his lack of purpose at the institute, etc. he’s seeking attention, and desperately wants to feel Something

resources

bpd diagnostic criteria @shitborderlinesdo faq part 1, part 2 bpd in the dsm-5 [pg. 663-667] my bpd jace tag