#i think i just need to b put on the right dosage possibly right meds ingeneral cuz idk if i liked prozac that much

[uswntpoet]

Love on the brain (Part 21)

Hey guys, this time I'm faster! :) I hope you're still alive after the last chapter. Enjoy the next part!

The chapter is also up on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17576201/chapters/51380701

First Allie watched Alex nearly going insane while waiting for Kelley to come out of the ER and now she watches her pace back and forth in front of Kelley’s bed like a tiger ever since she was brought back from the ER. It’s 9 o’clock in the morning now. 5 hours since Kelley collapsed in the hotel room and Alex can’t seem to catch a break even though Allie reassured her that Kelley is in good hands for the past hours and the doctor told them that Kelley already was conscious once in the ER.  

“Two times in the span of a few weeks, Allie!! What am I supposed to do with her?!”

“I’ve always said she is insane, but nobody listens to me.” Allie jokes.

“Ugh and you know what’s the worst part about this?”

“That you aren’t even really mad at her?”

“Exactly.” Alex sighs.

“Please Al, do us all a favor and go grab something to eat.”

“I can’t do Kelley any favors since she is unconscious in a hospital bed AGAIN!”

“I think she would disagree. Can you at least do me a favor then?”

“Why?”

“Well, first of all you’re always in a bad mood when you’re hungry anyway, but most of all you’ve always been a disaster when it comes to worrying about this idiot and I can’t take it anymore.”

Alex looks at Allie and then at a sleeping Kelley skeptically.

“Don’t look at me like that. Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on her.”

“I’m not sure.” Alex grumbles.

“Good, then I’ll keep both of my eyes on her. Now go.”

“You call me when she wakes up?”

“Yes, I will. Now stop worrying for at least 30 minutes alright?”

“I’ll be back in 20.”

“20 it is.”

“And check if she’s breathing norm-“

“ALEX! I can handle it, okay? I promise.”

“Fine.”

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Kelley stirs awake about 15 minutes later. Allie gets up quickly, eyeing her closely. Kelley slowly opens her eyes, but she seems to struggle to keep them fully open.

“Holy fuck.” she mumbles.

“Welcome back to earth.” Allie smiles.

Kelley squeezes her eyes shut repeatedly, trying to focus on the person in front of her. A few seconds later she seems to realize that it’s Allie.

“Duuude.” Kelley chuckles lazily, sounding like a high surfer dude.

“How are you feeling?” Allie asks concerned.

“Fucking awesome.” Kelley smiles dopily.

“Oh wow, I don’t ever want to see you take drugs.” Allie rolls her eyes.

“Yo, Allie?” Kelley asks with her eyes closed again.

“Yes?”

“Don’t you think my girlfriend looks hella good?”

“Kel, Alex isn’t here.”

“Don’t you dare to say she doesn’t.” Kelley is quick to warn, her eyes flying open for a second, before falling shut in slow motion again.

“She does, Kel.” Allie exhales annoyed.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Kelley remarks with a hint of an aggressive tone.

“My girlfriend is hella sexy.” Kelley brags with a smile on her face.

“Kel?”

“Mhm?” Kelley asks, looking up at Allie with a dazed look in her eyes.

“Alex is your fiancée. You proposed to her, remember?”

“DUDE!” Kelley yells all of the sudden, which startles Allie, “Siiiiiiick.” Kelley smirks proudly.

“Oh man.” Allie exhales and slaps her hand against her forehead.

To Allie’s relieve the door opens and Alex walks in.

“Holy fuck!” Kelley yells, freezing and quickly covering her eyes.

Alex looks at Allie shocked, who shrugs, “Don’t worry, she just woke up.”

“What is she doing?” Alex asks wide eyed.

“She is high on pain killers and by high I mean they apparently shot her in another solar system.” Allie chuckles amused.

“Hey Kel, what’s up?” Allie asks her, trying to get her attention.

Kelley drops her hands from her face, looking at Alex with wide eyes before quickly turning to Allie.

“Duude, I swear, I’m such a bad fiancée!”

“What are you talking about?”

“If Alex knows she’ll kill me man.”

Allie looks to Alex in panic, while Alex is furrowing her brows in concern.

“Eh, Kel-“

“Don’t tell her, but that nurse looks fucking hot.” Kelley says, pointing at Alex. Allie lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and Alex’s face relaxes visibly, but her brows quickly furrow again.

“Oh boy, this is too good to be true.” Allie laughs.

“Stop laughing, this isn’t funny.” Alex scolds as she approaches Kelley’s bed to sit down next to her.

“Hey babe, it’s me, Alex.” Alex tries carefully, gently stroking her cheek.

“I know. I was just fucking around.” Kelley slurs, grinning at Alex foolishly.

Alex slaps her arm and rolls her eyes.

“Oh my god, you’re such an asshole. I thought you didn’t recognize me.”

“Baby girl, I would recognize those eyes from anywhere.”

“Drugged up and still a charmer. Why am I surprised?”

“I’ll inform a nurse”. Allie says.

“Thanks, Al.” Alex squeezes her hand.

A few minutes later the door flies open and the gray haired, good looking doctor in his 50’s, Alex already talked to earlier, walks in with two nurses in tow.

“Welcome back Miss O’Hara, I’m Dr. Bright.”

“Sup, Doc.” Kelley nods at him and Alex sends her a warning look, which Kelley clearly doesn’t seem to notice.  

The doctor starts explaining to Kelley that an inflammation in her ankle caused her high fever, which ultimately lead to her unconsciousness and that taking too many pain killers caused the other symptoms, however Alex is sure that Kelley doesn’t have one clue what the man is talking about. After Dr. Bright and the nurses did some checkups on Kelley, he turns to Alex again.

“So Miss Morgan, your fiancée is-“

“Dr. B.? Isn’t my FIANCEE-“ Kelley stops and winks at Allie, who just shakes her head.

“-the most gorgeous woman you have ever seen?”

“Babe.” Alex warns sternly.

“Doc, listen. I know it sounds impossible, but I swear on my life, her smartness outshines her prettiness. Crazy right?”

“Kel, shut up.”

“Come over here and make me.”

“Kelley!” Alex warns her sharply.

Kelley looks at Alex for a second, seemingly considering what to do next, but when she sees Alex staring her down, she quietly mumbles to herself like a child who's been scolded.

“I’m terribly sorry for that.” Alex apologizes to the doctor, who just laughs and waves it off.

“That’s alright. She is going to be like that for a few hours, however you can take her home. When the meds wear off, she might be a little disorientated and very tired, but there’s no reason to worry. Is it possible that someone checks on her like every hour?”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. What about the Advil?”

“Yeah, she certainly took so many, because the dosage wasn’t strong enough and she was in enormous pain. She might be in pain the next few days as well, but I’m prescribing pain killers that are certainly strong enough, so there isn’t going to be another incident like this. Again, they might make her a bit loopy, however if she’s looked after she should be fine.”

“When is she going to be able to train again?” Alex asks tensely, knowing that even though Kelley is not giving a damn about it right now, it is going to be the first question when she is off meds again.

“The good news is that the medications are anti-inflammatory, so the inflammation is going to be gone within a few days. However, the injury is going to last a bit longer, if she’s lucky and has a good recovery process maybe 8 to 10 weeks, if not she’s going to need surgery. She could be out for about 6 months then, we’ll have to see.”

Alex exhales loudly, rubbing her hands through her face, feeling her heart break for Kelley. She knows this is going to be a hard blow after just recovering from her last injury.

“Oh my god.” she shakes her head devastated and Allie puts a supporting hand on her shoulder.

“Miss Morgan, to be frank, in your case I wouldn’t worry too much. You’re working with the best doctors and physiotherapist in the country. It’s going to be crutches in the first weeks to strain her ankle as little as possible and I think she is going to be fine, but as a doctor it is my duty to inform you about the possibilities.”

“Yeah, I understand that.” Alex nods.

“If she is burning up again or there are any signs of side effects please call an ambulance.”

“Of course, thank you so much for everything.” Alex says honestly with a smile which doesn’t reach her eyes.

“That’s what I’m here for. We’ll stay in touch and she has an appointment in a few days.”

Alex smiles at him and turns around to help Allie and the nurse to get Kelley ready to leave.

“And Miss Morgan?”

“Alex is fine.”

“Alex. I have drugged up patients everyday ever since I became a doctor. You can imagine that I’ve seen everything from breakups because of terrible confessions, over crying, to aggressive behavior. But what I rarely see is someone talking about their fiancée in the way yours did when she first woke up.”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry, what did she say?”

“You have no reason to worry. Take good care of her, you got a good one there. She’s a keeper.” Dr. Bright winks with an honest smile.

“Oh.” Alex blushes, looking at him speechlessly.

“Have a good day, Alex.”

“Bye.” Alex mumbles.

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“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“I feel so goooooood right now.”

“That’s good, Kel.”

“I can’t feel anything.” Kelley gushes loudly.

“I can see that.” Alex mumbles embarrassed, since Kelley isn’t behaving like one should in a hospital.

Kelley is sitting in a wheelchair, so they can bring her to the car. Alex stops in front of the door to turn around to look at Kelley sternly, before leaving the hospital room.

“Alright, Kel. We are going to leaves this room now and I need you to be quiet for two minutes okay? Just until we’re at the car.”

“Like on what level quiet?”

“Like 'shutting your mouth tightly and not opening it' quiet.”

“Okay, captain.” Kelley winks, saluting Alex.

Alex looks at her unsure, but Allie opens the door nonetheless. To Alex’s surprise, Kelley stays quiet in the hallway and in the elevator. However, when they walk through the entrance area, Kelley is back to her bad behavior.

“Excuse me, Mr.? Have you ever seen such a pretty woman?” Kelley asks a random stranger, pointing at Alex when they pass him.

“Kelley, shhhh! Leave the people alone!” Alex whisper yells.

“I’m doing what I want, woman.” Kelley sasses loudly and Allie has to suppress her loud giggles.

“Kel, could you just shut up for another minute, please.” Alex begs to which Kelley complies.

When they are finally outside, Alex starts searching for her car keys.

“Maaan, it’s so fucking hot in here. I’m dying.”

“We’re outside. You’ll be alright.” Alex mumbles, looking up to answer.

“What are you doing?! Put your shirt back on!!” Alex yells at her.

“But I’m so hot.” Kelley pouts.

“NOW!” Alex orders while Allie can’t breathe from laughing so much.

“Are you jealous babe?” Kelley asks sadly.

“Yeah, very jealous.” Alex groans impatiently.

“Okay.” Kelley says, putting her shirt back on quickly as if she first needed a reason to do so.

Alex looks at Allie annoyed who is wiping her tears.

"I’m going to marry a 2-year-old.” Alex groans.

When they finally managed to get Kelley to sit in the back of the car, they make their way back to the hotel.

“Babe? Do you still think I’m attractive?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” Alex sighs.

“But what if someday you are going to leave me?”

“I will not.” Alex answers annoyed, looking in the rear-view mirror to make eye contact.

“Allie! What am I gonna do if she’s leaving me?” Kelley asks panicked.

“She is not, Kel.” Allie reassures her.

“Babe? If I died, how much would you miss me?”

“Death can’t get you out of this relationship.” Alex deadpans, but drugged up Kelley is completely clueless to any sarcasm since her attention span is like one of a puppy.

“Would you love someone else?”

“No.”

“Good, because whoever is looking at you, I’m going to fuck up.”

“When you’re dead, Kel?” Allie laughs.

“I’ll personally climb out of my grave to royally kick their ass.”

“Kel, enough.” Alex warns.

There is silence for just a moment.

“Babe? Have you ever had sex with someone who was drugged up?”

“No, Kelley I haven’t.” Alex snaps.

“Wanna give it a try?” Kelley raises an eyebrow suggestively.

“Holy shit!” Allie laughs.

“Kelley!! I said that’s enough. I don’t want to hear another word until we’re back at the hotel, understood?” Alex turns around frustratedly when she stops at the traffic light. Kelley nods her head, pretending to lock her mouth and throwing the key away.

“Good.”

Allie looks at Alex with a pitying look.

“It’s official. My two biggest fears in life are failure and Kelley on any kind of drug, including too much sugar.”

The silence lasts exactly three minutes, before Kelley’s voice can be heard again.

“Babe?”

Alex breathes out heavily and decides to ignore her.

“Babe?”

“Babe?”

“Alex?”

“Alexandraaaa!!”

“What Kelley????? What could possibly be so important that you are talking again?” Alex asks, turning around furiously.

“I love you.” Kelley says truthfully, looking at Alex with puppy eyes.

Allie pouts at Alex, after looking at Kelley. Alex groans loudly, turning around again.

“Oh come on, look at her! You can’t be mad at her when she’s that cute.”

Alex shakes her head and looks in the rear-view mirror again, looking at Kelley who looks at her expectantly, not noticing that Alex is watching her in the mirror.

“I love you, too.” Alex says softly, watching her closely.

Kelley’s eyes light up at that. Her expectant expression changes into a bright smile and she leans back relaxed, closing her eyes. She doesn’t talk for the rest of the ride and Alex softly smiles the entire way home.

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The doctor was right. When they arrive at their hotel, Allie is so nice to inform the staff about the news while Alex quickly phones Kelley’s parents, who were waiting for news as well. After a 5-minute catch-up with the promise to call them in the evening again, she reenters their hotel room, only to find Kelley fast asleep on the couch. Lucky enough the couch is big enough so Alex carefully squeezes in behind her, holding her close.

A few hours later Kelley stirs awake again. Alex has been up for a while, just watching Kelley sleep peacefully, not daring to move, afraid that she might wake her up. Kelley turns around in Alex’s arms, yawning cutely. Alex looks at Kelley expectantly with something in her eyes that Kelley can’t read.

“Damn, Al I had the craziest dream.” she frowns.

Before Alex can say anything, she starts to stretch when sitting up and quickly convulses in pain.

“Fuck, it wasn’t a dream, was it?” she lets out pained.

“Unfortunately, not.” Alex counters tensely, sitting up as well.

“Oh no. Al, I- Are you okay?” Kelley asks, quickly looking at Alex again, putting her hand on Alex’s thigh, who is rubbing her hands through her face stressed.

“So much for ‘really really going to change starting tomorrow’, huh?” Alex lashes out, letting her hands fall from her face.

“God…I’m-“ Kelley starts fazed, but Alex interrupts her, jumping to her feet.

“You’re such an asshole.” Alex exhales shakily, standing in front of her aggravated.

“What?”

“You’re so dumb!” Alex complains.

Kelley stops talking and instead just looks at her helplessly, frowning. Alex bites her lip, staring at Kelley without saying a word. Kelley holds eye contact, observing her closely.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Alex yells pained, her lip starts trembling and Kelley closes her eyes in disappointment with herself, when sobs start escaping Alex’s lips.

“How could you do that to me?!” Alex yells, crying loudly, taking a step in her direction and hitting her hand in Kelley’s chest.

Kelley just takes the blow stoically.

“You promised!” Alex yells while Kelley takes another frustrated hit to her chest.

“I thought you were going to die!!” Alex sobs desperately, trying to shove Kelley.

Kelley has never heard Alex this distressed and it absolutely breaks her heart. So, before Alex is able to shove her, she catches her hands, holding onto her wrists.

“Let go of me!” Alex cries, but Kelley just pulls her down into her lap, putting her arms around Alex, who buries her head in Kelley’s neck, holding onto her as if her life depended on it.

“You scared me.” she cries, her body shaking.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m fine.” Kelley soothes softly.

“I need you, okay? You can’t just disappear! I need you so so much.” Alex sobs heart wrenchingly.

Kelley nods her head, kissing the top of her head.

“Please. Please don’t leave me alone, I can’t breathe without you.” Alex begs.

Kelley takes Alex’s face in her hands, pushing her forehead against Alex’s.

“I’m here.” she repeats intently, “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” Kelley whispers, pressing a kiss to Alex’s lips and hugging her tightly again.

“I love you.” Alex mumbles into her neck, sniffling.

Kelley caresses her back comfortingly and strokes her hand through Alex’s hair, who snuggles into her.

“I love you so much, Alex. More than anything.” Kelley replies, laying her head on top of Alex’s.

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After that day Kelley never misses a treatment again. So while Alex is training every day with the team, Kelley spends every waking second to recover, watch her train and do what’s best for her ankle. Alex smiles brightly every morning when a freshly showered Kelley wakes her with kisses before leaving for an early treatment so that they can have breakfast together afterwards. Something in Kelley switched completely and Alex feels at peace because she can tell that a situation like that isn’t going to happen again. Five days post-accident, Kelley has another appointment at the hospital. She wakes up really energized, confident that her ankle is going to be a lot better than before since she only had light problems with it. When Alex is supposed to go to practice, Kelley also has to make her way to Dr. Bright, who they have been in close contact with.

“Don’t forget to tell him about-“

“The pain in the night. Yes, Alex, I won’t forget.” Kelley chuckles.

“And call me afterwards.” Alex insists nervously.

“Al, you’re going to be training, I’ll see you when you’re back.”

“But-“

“Babe, relax. I got this.” Kelley smiles.

“Right.” Alex nods.

“I have to go, see you at 7.” Kelley leans forward and kisses her goodbye.

“Bye.” Alex waves, watching after her when Kelley takes off, limping to the entrance on her crutches.

Alex flinches when a hand lands on her shoulder.

“Come on you clinger. We’ve got stuff to do.” Allie laughs, pulling Alex with her.

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In the evening they meet up at dinner. When Alex enters the room, their gazes meet immediately like magnets. Alex realizes right away that Kelley isn’t in a great mood. They have a silent conversation just with their eyes and the conversation is over by the time Alex arrives at their table. So instead of starting to interrogate her about her appointment, she just sits down next to her and places her hand on Kelley’s thigh. Kelley reaches down and intertwines their hands, looking at Alex with a small smile when squeezing her hand. The others don’t notice since Kelley hides it perfectly, making jokes and laughing with them. Still, Alex sees that she isn't feeling well.

Alex yawns right after finishing dinner, “Guys, I think we’re going to leave, I’m exhausted.”

Kelley looks at her amused, knowing that Alex was totally faking that yawn.

“Alex, I swear you’ve become so boring! You’re old.” Sonnett complains jokingly.

“If you’d be able to play like Alex, you’d be tired too.” Kelley defends her with a smirk, causing the others to laugh.

“Okay, that was mean, Miss Kelley.”

“Grow up, Sonnett.” Kelley winks teasingly.

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When they are in their hotel room, Alex opens Netflix and starts on one of Kelley’s favorite comedies she likes to watch when she doesn’t feel good. Kelley makes herself comfortable on the couch and Alex sits down between her legs, leaning against her. Kelley hugs her waist from behind and presses a kiss to her shoulder.  

“So, what happened?”

Kelley exhales heavily, pushing her forehead against the side of Alex’s head and closes her eyes. She stays silent for a moment before leaning back again.

“So apparently, I’m not recovering as fast as I’d like to think.”

“What does that mean?” Alex asks, anxiously drawing circles on Kelley’s thigh with her finger.

“As of now, I don’t know. He said he is giving me a few more days, but I thought maybe I should just tell him I want the sur-”  

“Surgery???” Alex akss, turning her head to look at Kelley horrified, “No Kel, you heard it yourself, Dr. Bright said it was too early.”

“Yeah, but-“

“No buts and no rushed decisions, Kel.” Alex insists, “You have to give yourself some time. It’s only been 5 days.”

“I don’t know, Al.” Kelley mumbles.

“Don’t be silly, I’m always right.” Alex smirks.

This puts the sparkle back into Kelley’s eyes, who looks at Alex challengingly, “Oh, are you now?”

“Damn right I am.” Alex winks.

“Good for me, huh?”

“Oh, totally.”

“So what’s your prediction of my chances of getting a kiss?” Kelley smirks.

“On a scale from 1 to 10? 12.”

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Alex is woken once again in the middle of the night. Her breath hitches and she looks around disorientated and panicked. She reaches out for Kelley and realizes that she isn't lying next to her. Alex shoots up in a flash, but relaxes a bit when she sees that the balcony door is open. She can see Kelley’s silhouette looking out into the distance, holding onto the balcony fence. Alex gets up quietly and makes her way up to Kelley. It’s a warm summer night, the sky clear and plastered with stars. Kelley stands on the balcony motionless, watching the waves crush onto the shore. Alex puts her arms around her waist from behind, hugging her around her waist. Kelley starts breaking down immediately, her body vibrating as tears roll down her face, but she’s not making a single sound. Alex holds her even closer, resting her forehead against the back of Kelley’s head.

“It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” Alex whispers softly, every word full of conviction.

A sob escapes Kelley and she grips onto the fence so hard, Alex thinks she might break it. Alex lets go of her waist and crouches down to quickly slip into the spot between Kelley’s arms so that her back is up to the fence. She then loosens Kelley’s grip on the fence, taking both of her hands in her own, intertwining them. Alex puts Kelley’s hand to her mouth and kisses the back of it affectionately. Kelley looks up at her, a single tear rolling down her eye. Alex throws her a concerned, yet devoted look, that makes Kelley’s heart skip a beat in adoration. She leans forward and rests her forehead against Alex’s, closing her eyes.

“We’re going to get through this. I’m here. You’re not alone in this.”

Kelley nods her head.

“You’re going to be healthy until France.”

“How can you be so sure of that?” Kelley asks with a shaky voice.

“I just am. We’re going to France and we’re going to be on the pitch together. I promise.”

Kelley shakes her head, frowning. Alex grips Kelley’s face, holding it still, their foreheads still pressed together.

“No, listen Kel. Look at me.” Alex whispers intently.

Kelley opens her eyes and is met with her favorite shade of blue. The light that is hovering over the city, illuminates the sky enough to make Kelley see what she needs to see.

“I promise, okay? I promise you.” Alex stresses.

What Kelley sees in Alex’s eyes is safety, calming her like nothing else can, making her believe even though it seems impossible.

“Okay?” Alex whispers.

“Okay.” Kelley breathes.

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The next days everything only goes uphill for Kelley. When her appointment with Dr. Bright rolls around, he ensures her that surgery won’t be needed, but that she certainly should be very careful and consider every factor that will help her to recover. Kelley is over the moon and from then on even more determined to get better as fast as possible. They spend their off days visiting Alex’s family as much as possible and Alex finally feels like she doesn’t have to worry about Kelley. It’s the last day of camp before everyone will fly back to their club teams and Alex is waiting for Kelley, Christen, Tobin and Becky in the Whole Foods parking lot, since they wanted to grab some lunch for all of them. Alex is leaning against the wall a few yards from the entrance, looking at her phone after ending a business call.

“Alex Morgan.” a familiar voice calls her.

Alex looks up immediately, rolling her eyes at who is approaching her.

“Gosh, why??” Alex mumbles to herself, before she greets him with a short nod, “Tom.”

“Never in a million years, would I have thought to see you again. In LA of all places? What the hell are you doing here?” he smiles annoyingly.

“Well, I don’t know if you remember but first of all I’m a professional soccer player, which normally demands going to all sorts of places and second of all my whole family lives here.” Alex sasses, annoyed by his question.

He blushes and looks at her embarrassed, “Right.”

“Anyway, how is life going? Did you and that girl split up? I mean she was pretty rude.”

Alex looks past him and sees Kelley and her friends exit the store, not listening to a word he is saying and the memories from a few years ago come flooding into her mind.

FLASHBACK ON

“Ugh, I don’t want to go there.”

“Why though?” Kelley asks with a chuckle, pulling open her locker.

“Because there’ll be only people I haven’t seen in years and there is a reason for that.” Alex complains.

“But she’s one of your best friends Alex and normally you are never in LA for stuff like this. It’s a wedding, you’ll find someone to talk to.” Kelley smirks.

Alex pushes Kelley’s locker closed in front of her face.

“Hey! I wasn't finished yet.” Kelley frowns.

“You’ll come with me!” Alex exclaims excitedly as if she had a flash of genius.

“What? No.” Kelley laughs.

“Come on, I need somebody to safe me from my stupid ex, who is definitely going to be there.”

“Why do you need protection from your ex?” Kelley chuckles.

“Because he is an arrogant asshole. He’s always bragging with his job and his new girlfriend, just because he is super boring and jealous of me earning more than him.” Alex rolls her eyes.

“ What is his job?” Kelley asks amused.

“He’s an accountant.”

Kelley fake gags, which makes Alex laugh out loud.

“Why don’t you just bring a date?” Kelley asks skeptically.

“Because it’ll be more fun with you."

“Wait, is that also the guy who cheated on you on your birthday?”

“Yup. But I wanted to break up with him later that day anyway.” Alex chuckles.

“Fine, I’ll come with you.” Kelley agrees.

“Yes! You’re the best!” Alex exclaims, pressing a peck to Kelley’s cheek before taking off to shower.

Kelley just stands in the locker room frozen to the spot with a blush creeping on her cheeks.

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By now they’ve been at the party for over two hours, even though Alex told Kelley that they’d be leaving early, because the people were going to be lame. However, Kelley is great company as always and Alex somehow never had more fun at a wedding.

“I’m going to get us some more booze, alright?” Kelley speaks closely to Alex’s ear, due to the volume.

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll wait here.” Alex smiles, which Kelley returns before disappearing in the crowd.

Alex looks around happily, waving at one of her old friends from college when suddenly she sees the person she didn’t want to see. Alex curses under her breath and asks herself why this has to happen of when Kelley is gone. She ducks her head, but he sees her nonetheless and confidently walks up to her with his girlfriend in tow. The look on his face is determined and his intentions are clear, he wants to show off.

“Alex!! How have you been?” he smiles arrogantly, pretending to be nice.

“Uhm, quite good. Everything’s fine, thanks for asking.”

“Actually, I’m doing great myself. Do you still remember my girlfriend?”

‘Great, nobody asked you.’, Alex thinks to herself, but politely smiles at his girlfriend, who is actually quite nice and whom she knows briefly through a friend of hers.

“Hi Emma.” Alex smiles.

“Hey, Alex, how are you?” Emma smiles.

Before Alex can even answer her question, Tom intervenes.

“Yeah, Alex, how come a girl like you is still all alone?” he cocks an eyebrow, clearly meaning to attack her.

Suddenly Alex feels a glass being pushed into her hand and an arm around her waist, which pulls her in so that her body is pressed closely against another. Alex turns her head and is met with Kelley, who is unusually close to her face. She looks at Kelley helpless, who gives her a reassuring look.

“Hey gorgeous, I managed to get us the good champagne.” she smiles at Alex, squeezing her hip and clinking her glass against Alex’s before taking a swig of it.

“By the way, have I already told you that you look stunning in that dress?” Kelley compliments with a lopsided smile, before turning her attention to the couple in front of them.

“Oh hey, sorry. I tend to get too distracted by her beauty. Who are you?” Kelley asks outspoken.

“I’m Tom, Alex must have talked about me.” he says with a cocky grin.

Kelley looks at him with a frown, looking like she is roaming her mind.

“Tim?” she asks as if she didn’t understand him.

“Uh no, Tom.” he laughs uneasily, looking at Alex confused.

“Ahhh sorry, you mumbled a bit. Then no, I’m confident she never talked about you. I’m Kelley.” Kelley smiles confidently, giving him a very firm handshake while having a stare off with him, looking at him challengingly.

He looks more pissed off than Alex has ever seen him and the conversation only started. Kelley raises an eyebrow at him and turns her attention to his girlfriend.

“And who is your pretty friend?” Kelley asks charmingly.

“That’s my girlfr-”

“I’m Emma!” she interrupts him, eagerly holding out her hand for Kelley to shake, looking at her infatuated.

“Nice to meet you Emma, you kind of remind me of Kristen Bell.”

It’s a stretch. They might have the same hair, but that’s about it and Alex looks at Kelley quizzically.

"Thanks.” Emma blushes, “See that’s what I always tell you. Some people see it!” she snaps at Tom, who rolls his eyes.

If Alex wouldn’t have already been gawking at Kelley, she would have been by now. Kelley quickly looks at Alex and winks at her.

“You are Kelley O’Hara, aren’t you?” Emma asks shily.  

“Yeah. Do you like soccer?” Kelley smiles.

“I love soccer, actually I’m a huge fan.”

“Thanks, that's great.” Kelley says politely.

Alex notices a swagger to her, her energy cool and relaxed, giving off vibes that either would want you to be friends with her, or be with her.

“So Tim, what do you do for a living?”

“Tom and I‘m an accountant.” he says through his teeth, clearly aggravated.

“Dude. That sounds awful. I really am sorry for you.” Kelley grimaces, giving him a clap on the shoulder.

Alex almost bursts into loud laughter, but somehow manages to stifle it by hiding her face behind Kelley, however his girlfriend can’t contain it.

“Why would that be awful?” he asks offended.

“Come on Tom, don’t act like that. Your job is pretty boring compared to Alex and Kelley’s.” Emma laughs.

Tom shoots Kelley a malicious look and she just shrugs innocently. Alex eyes Kelley amazed. She has never seen anybody piss Tom off like that and she feels like kissing her for it. Wait. What? Her thoughts are interrupted by Emma.

“How long have you two been together?”

Alex eyes nearly pop out of her head, “Uhhh, we‘re not to-”

“3 years, right babe?” Kelley interrupts, resting her hand on her butt possessively.

Alex looks at her wide eyed and Kelley squeezes her butt, which makes Alex turn her head and nod at her quickly.

“Best 3 years of my life.” Kelley says, pressing a kiss to Alex’s cheek.

“Oh my god, you guys are so cute. I didn’t know that you were a couple. I could immediately sense your love for each other though. Alex your eyes are shining when you look at Kelley.” Emma gushes.

“Thanks.” Kelley grins brightly, turning to Alex, staring deep into her eyes, “She is the love of my life.”

Alex somehow feels mesmerized by the way Kelley is looking at her in that moment and she drifts off, not able to break eye contact. Alex knows that Kelley is just acting right now, but somehow it feels so real and natural.

“Alex what we’re you saying? You’re not together?” Tom interrupts, with an evil glimmer in his eye.

Alex turns to look at him and Kelley’s grip on her tightens.

“Uh yeah, what I wanted to say is actually we’re engaged.” Alex smiles brightly and Kelley looks at her with a smirk, which she then directs at Tom.

“I proposed last year. I mean dude, between us? Look at her. I couldn’t let this chance slip. And don’t get me started on her intelligence. Only a total idiot would miss the opportunity to marry a woman like Alex.”

“Babe, stop it.” Alex smiles, putting her hand on Kelley’s chest, who reaches up to intertwine their hands and presses a kiss to her hand.

“Awww. Tom, why are you never talking about me like this?!” Emma complains.

“Would you excuse us?” Kelley asks charmingly.

“Yeah of course.” she smiles at Kelley.

“Tim.” Kelley nods at him and pulls Alex away from them.

Alex can hear Emma gushing about her ring in the distance and Alex looks down at her hand, thanking god that she put on a ring that looks a lot like an engagement ring and was a gift when winning the Olympics.

“Oh my god.” Alex laughs loudly when they finally are outside, “Kel, you saved me!”

Alex hugs Kelley tightly.

“What a prick.” Kelley rolls her eyes, when they pull apart.

“That was amazing!” Alex gushes, “He was SO pissed off. How do you always do things like that?!”

“You’re exaggerating.” Kelley chuckles.

“Stop playing it down. Emma was totally into you and when you told her she looked like Kristen Bell it was over. What the hell was that about?” Alex laughs.

“I didn’t know that he was your ex, but they stood next to me at the bar earlier and she was complaining that he couldn’t see the alikeness.” Kelley grins.

“You’re amazing.” Alex gasps.

Kelley just waves her off.

“No, Kel, really. You’re unbelievable. I just love you so much. He’s never going to get over that.” Alex grins.  

“Why in the world did you date him?” Kelley asks disgusted.

Suddenly Alex becomes quieter than before. She nervously looks to the ground.

“Uhm, I don’t know. Initially, I just liked that he showed interest.” she admits sort of shyly.

“Alex, are you serious right now?” Kelley asks confused.

“What?”

“You don’t see it don’t you?” Kelley laughs frustratedly.

“Why do you sound so aggravated?”

“Because I am.”

“Why?” Alex frowns.

“Al. You’re- I mean- Have you ever seen yourself? You’re the most amazing person I know and you date that guy because he gives you a little bit attention? There is people falling for you left and -“

“Well, they’re not the right person though!” Alex almost shouts.

“But he was?” Kelley asks, not even phased by her outburst.

“No! That’s not what I wanted-“

“Then who is the right person?”

“I- I don’t know. I always make bad decisions when it comes to that. I just wish I’d meet someone who is even a bit like y-”

“OH MY GOD, ALEXANDRA MORGAN!”

Alex jumps in surprise and gets crushed by a squealing girl that clearly had a bit too much to drink. Alex throws Kelley an apologetic look.

“College.” she mouths, while getting squeezed to death.

Instead of answering Kelley just eyes her pensively. There is something unreadable in her expression and it’s so intense that Alex has to look away, because she starts blushing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that night and with too many drinks in their systems, they’re finally on their way home. In the taxi Alex lays her head on Kelley’s shoulder exhaustedly, drifting off into sleep slowly. Just before Alex is about to pass out, she speaks up.

“Kel?”

“Mhm?”

“What did you think about earlier?” she mumbles tiredly with closed eyes.

“When?”

“You know when.”

There is silence for a moment as Kelley considers her next words.

“You know, I think you should be with someone who treats you just the way you deserve to be treated. Someone who respects you, who cherishes you, who protects you and most importantly loves you for who you are.” Kelley reflects thoughtfully, her voice soft-spoken.

“I think I know someone like that.” Alex mumbles.

“Oh. Okay.” Kelley tenses, “Then why don’t you just talk to them I guess?” she asks uneasily.

“I don’t think they see me in that kind of way.” Alex shrugs.

“Impossible.” Kelley mumbles.

“Hmm?”

“That’s bullshit, Alex.” Kelley speaks up.

Alex is quite for a minute and Kelley thinks she might have fallen asleep.

“Do you think I deserve to be with someone who is the most amazing person on this planet?”

Kelley exhales deeply.

“I think you deserve the world, Alex. What I don’t think is that they are going to be more amazing than you.” Kelley tries to smile.

There is an unsettling feeling starting to build in her stomach, which she could only describe as some sort of jealousy.

“Well, they are.”

Kelley looks down at the soft smile that is dancing on Alex’s face and the feeling she felt before somehow is erased.

“Well, they aren’t going to be able to say no to such a pretty girl.” Kelley smiles softly, kissing the top of Alex’s head, who is too tired to answer and falls asleep.

FLASHBACK OFF

“Alex? Are you listening?” he asks unsure.

Alex averts her gaze from Kelley and turns to look at him again.

“Thank you so much!” she smiles.

“Uhm what?” he stutters.

“Bye Tom.” Alex waves as she leaves.

“Wait! Alex!” he calls after her perplexed.

“There you are! I brought you vegan chocolate chip cookies.” Kelley smiles excitedly as Alex walks into her direction.

Instead of answering Alex just walks up to Kelley and puts her arms around her neck, kissing her meaningfully. Overwhelmed by the passionate kiss, Kelley drops one of her crutches while reaching up to stop her baseball cap from falling. When Alex pulls away Kelley looks at her stunned, her lips swollen.

“Uh, wow.” Kelley breathes.

“God, you guys didn’t see each other for like 8 minutes! Why are you like this!?” Becky groans.

“Seriously, it’s just cookies Alex.” Christen agrees.

Tobin slowly lifts the bag of food she is carrying, looking at Christen cautiously.

“Don’t even think about it.” Christen rolls her eyes, making Tobin drop her arm instantly.

“So what? I love me some cookies.” Alex grins provocatively and Kelley just shrugs at them, still recovering from the kiss.

They know better than to question Alex and start walking to the car. Alex picks up Kelley’s crutch and they fall behind a few steps.

“What was that for?” Kelley asks with an amused smile.

“For being the most amazing person on this planet.” Alex smiles back.

[angstmatsuscenarios]

This request was inspired by your fanfic I Want to Be Okay. Choromatsu became addicted to the meds that were prescribed to help him with his anxiety.

Ooooh poor Choro….

This prompt is based loosely on the events of that fic, an alternate timeline if you want to consider it as such. I wasn’t comfortable making it too extreme so this is set sometime before it becomes a major problem. Hope you like this!

Please don’t hesitate to let me know if anything is depicted incorrectly.

WARNING for mentions of medication dependency and possible signs of addiction under the cut:

It was the middle of the night. The Matsuno household was quiet, everyone having fallen asleep a couple of hours ago. The sextuplets were tucked snuggly into their futon, dozing away peacefully.

All but one of them.

Choromatsu lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, wringing his hands. All around him he could hear his brothers breathing softly, some of them snoring, a sign that none of them were aware he’d yet to drift off.

It had been like that for the last several nights. The last several weeks, if he were being perfectly honest with himself.

Why can’t I sleep? I’d been doing so good…what happened?

It was true. Months ago, Choromatsu had spent his nights tossing and turning, unable to shut off the never-ending stream of anxious thoughts that never failed to rob him of sleep. Those thoughts didn’t only bother him at night, either. They invaded his mind throughout the day, creeping in any time his mind was idle, stealing away any sense of peace he might have had and making him miserable. It reached a point where he was having panic attacks, and he’d finally been forced to admit he was dealing with something he couldn’t handle on his own.

He finally went to a doctor, and was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It had been both terrifying and a relief to finally have a name for what had been going on with him. The doctor had also given him a prescription for a medication to help him manage it, which he’d finally started taking with reluctance. The dosage was reasonable–one pill every day, and an additional one if he felt like his anxiety was spiking for any reason. Ever since he finally started taking steps to control his mental state, he’d been feeling better, and sleeping much easier.

Except for now. Now, he felt as if he’d fallen backwards, landing back where he’d started months ago. He hated it.

He’d felt like this for the past several weeks, and not just where sleeping was concerned. Lately, it seemed as if his anxiety was getting worse again, for no reason. His thoughts would stray, wandering into unwanted territory–thoughts that he was wasting his life away, that he should have a job by now, that’d he never find success as he so desperately wanted. His heart would skip a beat, his breath hitching in his throat, and before he knew it he’d be reaching for his bottle of medication, just to pop an extra pill and quell these awful feelings for awhile.

He’d been taking more pills than usual lately. Before, he’d stuck to one a day, and it had been enough. Now, taking only one to get him through the entire day seemed like a joke.

Choromatsu thought about his pills now, sitting in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He thought about getting up and taking one, right now. That had become his routine lately, the only thing that could help him fall asleep.

No, I shouldn’t…I’ll run out fast, and what if they don’t give me more? I need them…

He kept wringing his hands, twisting them around and around, still unable to close his eyes. He wanted so badly to sleep, to just pop another pill and be done with it. But he didn’t want to risk his prescription running out. If it did, what would he do then? He had to have them to get by. Not having them wasn’t an option for him.

The thought of not having them anymore made his heart skip a beat, his chest tightening suddenly.

The pills beckoned to him again.

No. I can’t…

But I want to sleep…

His heart pounded. It was suddenly getting harder to breathe, and he tugged at his pajama top, feeling inexplicably stifled. Was he having an anxiety attack?!

I need my pills…

No, I can’t…!

But…!!

I can’t keep doing this…!

Choromatsu gasped, sitting bolt upright in bed. His heart raced, his palms breaking out in a cold sweat as he gripped his blanket. Suddenly the thought of not taking his pills was unbearable. He needed them, now.

Quickly he crawled out of bed, trying not to disturb the others as he did so. Once he’d tiptoed out of their room he sprinted down the hall toward the bathroom, his panic increasing with each step. 

He flipped the switch, flooding the small bathroom with light, and flung open the door to the medicine cabinet with reckless abandon. His urgency multiplied as he rifled through the pill bottles with trembling hands, searching for his medication.

Where are they, where are they?! I NEED them..!!

Finally he located them, somehow shoved behind a couple bottles of aspirin. He grabbed them, relief flooding through his system, only for panic to seize him once more. Oh no! He was running low! His supply was supposed to last him to the end of the month, but he only had enough here to last him maybe another week if he was sparing. How had this happened?! He couldn’t last without them…!

Choromatsu tried not to think about that as he slammed the medicine cabinet shut again and struggled frantically to twist off the cap of the pill bottle. Once he took one, he’d be fine again. He’d be okay. He’d be the way he was supposed to be.

Come on, come ON! Open already…!

At last the cap popped off, and he hastily shook a pill into his hand. He then grabbed a paper cup from the edge of the sink to fill with water, but as he did so he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Hesitantly, he glanced up, making himself look at his reflection.

He didn’t like what he saw. He saw himself, but not the version of himself he was happy with. He could see bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, the paleness of his skin, quiver of his hands, the silent desperation in his eyes. The bottle of pills he held tight in his grip. 

He swallowed hard and blinked, watching his reflection blink back at him. 

What’s…what’s going on with me?

He suddenly flashed back to that day months ago, when he’d first been given these pills. He remembered how he didn’t want to take them at first, because he’d been terrified something bad would happen. That he’d become dependent on them, addicted. But as time wore on he’d stopped thinking so much about that, taking his medication every day. Then taking them more often, when his thoughts began to spiral…because it was just so easy to, as if they were a cure-all, an escape from all his problems. It had been that simple to rely on them once he’d started taking them, rely so much that sometimes it felt like the only thing anchoring him.

Oh no. 

The pill bottle slipped from his hand, clattering to the floor. Luckily he’d already put the cap back on so none of them spilled out, but he didn’t even notice that. His thoughts were racing too much for that to matter.

Has it happened to me? Have I become so dependent on my pills that stopped even thinking about it?

Am…am I addicted to them?

The thought that his own worst fear might now have come true was a lot to take in, and suddenly he found himself slumping to the floor, on his knees, his arms wrapped around himself. His breaths were shallow, tears pooling in his eyes.

I…I am, aren’t I? I let them take control of me, just so anxiety wouldn’t…oh no, oh no…

His breath caught in his throat, and a few tears rolled down his cheeks…and suddenly he was crying, burying his face in his hands, shoulders quaking with sobs. 

This was it. This had been his fear, his nightmare. He didn’t want to rely on medication to make him okay, but that’s what was happening. He didn’t want this, didn’t want to be this way…

He needed help.

“Choro…?”

Choromatsu looked up, tears blurring his vision, to find Osomatsu suddenly standing in the doorway. He knelt next to Choromatsu, his expression concerned and alarmed all at once.

“Choro, what’s wrong? I heard you crying…are you sick?” Osomatsu asked quietly. His gaze wandered to the pill bottle on the floor next to Choromatsu, and his worry heightened. “What’s going on, were you having an anxiety attack…?”

“O-Osomatsu…I…I think…” Choromatsu blubbered, then dissolved into a round of fresh tears as he suddenly clung to his brother, tightly clutching Osomatsu’s pajama top as he bawled. “I th-think I have a problem…I think I’m g-getting too dependent on my m-meds…I…” 

He couldn’t bring himself to say anything more, but Osomatsu was quick to catch on. He wrapped his arms securely around Choromatsu and pulled him closer, a safe and comfortable embrace that Choromatsu definitely needed.

“It’s okay, Choro,” Osomatsu murmured reassuringly, lightly petting Choromatsu’s hair. “It’s okay…it’ll be okay. I promise.”

“B-but…this is what I was afraid of,” Choromatsu said, sniffling, his face pressed against his brother’s shoulder.

“I know…I was afraid, too,” Osomatsu confessed softly, still holding Choromatsu close. “But look, you can tell you have a problem. That’s a good thing, right? It means you’re aware, and it’s not too late to get help.”

Choromatsu inhaled a deep, shuddery breath. “C-can you help me, Oso…”

“Of course,” Osomatsu stated firmly. “I’ll help, however I can. And so will everyone else. You won’t have to go through this alone, Choro. We all have your back, we just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Being okay sounded a long way off to Choromatsu, but he didn’t say anything. Instead he just clung to Osomatsu, who simply let him and whispered kind reassurances to him. Eventually Choromatsu cried himself out to the point of exhaustion, and Osomatsu had to help him walk back to their room and tuck him into bed. Osomatsu even put an arm around him as he climbed into bed beside him, making Choromatsu feel safe and protected.

He was still scared. He didn’t know what would happen next, or how he’d get through this. He was sure it was going to be hard. But it was a great comfort to know he wouldn’t have to do it alone. And even if he had, he would’ve done it anyway, because he didn’t want to reach a point of no return. 

All he wanted was to be himself again. All he wanted was to be okay.

[prudencepaccard]

I need a quick shrink opinion because I am having Problems with my current one (I scheduled a second opinion appointment but it’s not till October 12 and my medication questions are too urgent to wait till then)

@slatestarscratchpad and it won’t let me @ @gruntledandhinged for some reason

so I have OCD, for which I take (in principle) fluvoxamine, and also had some kind of an episode (manic? hypomanic?) in May which had aftershocks into June and possibly July; my psychiatrist took me off SSRIs lest I have another one of those episodes. (I wasn’t on fluvoxamine at the time, because Reasons, so SSRI use did not directly contribute to the episode, but she thinks it would heighten my risk or having another one.) I have been on a low dose of risperidone (recently increased from 0.5 mg to 1 mg) in the meantime and nothing else. This was supposed to be a short-term thing but every time we talk about putting me on something else there’s some reason why I shouldn’t do it yet.

In the meantime my OCD has been really bad (currently, as of this writing, R E A L L Y B A D) and I have also been very depressed for the past week. I need to get into therapy but there’s going to be a bit of a wait there (old therapist is no longer available, have to go through the process of switching to someone else) and in the meantime I think I would really benefit from SSRIs but my psychiatrist is just really firm that it’s a terrible idea, even though I’m on risperidone at the same time.

She keeps talking about puttiing me on lithium, with or without SSRIs at the same time (the former being a prequisite for the latter) but the last two times, prior to my appointment yesterday, that I saw her, she said she needed to do more research about it/think about it more. Her verdict yesterday was that my compliance record is too spotty (see above re: the fact that I was not on SSRIs at the time I had the ‘sode, although my psychiatrist thinks that was probably for the best) for her to safely put me on lithium (for...toxicity reasons?) which means I also can’t be on SSRIs. For like two seconds she entertained the notion of switching me to Abilify since messing up the dosage wouldn’t be as dangerous and the side effects are not as bad (for an atypical antipsychotic) as risperidone but then for reasons that are unclear to me she opted to just send me home with a risperidone prescription, but this time telling me to take 1 mg instead of .5. The idea was that when I’m in therapy I’ll be in a better position to comply with treatment med-wise so only then will she consider putting me on lithium?? Or something like that. Being (rightly) gung-ho about therapy is also her way of actually giving a shit about my OCD since she sure as hell isn’t putting me on any meds for it right now (even Abilify would probably have been better. The risperidone does NOTHING for it, at least not at this dose, but I don’t WANT to go on a higher dose.)

The risperidone kind of maybe helps my mood a little in some vague way sometimes, especially if I’m anxious rather than depressed, but I’d rather be on something else--either SSRIs or a better (?) mood stabilizer or both (I am aware the psychiatrist would rather I frame this is “a better mood stabilizer, with or without SSRIs”). The mood stabilizer thing will just have to wait but I actually have a supply of fluvoxamine I could start on (speedrun titration schedule would be starting at 50 mg and doubling every five days until I get to 200 mg, easygoing one would be starting at 50 mg and increasing by another 50 once a week).

I guess what I’m asking is, what are your thoughts on me going on fluvoxamine against my psychiatrist’s wishes while I wait for a second opinion, while continuing to take the risperidone? How does that compare with lithium + SSRIs? And is she right to refuse to put me on lithium right now? Also where does Abilify fit into all this?

Am I wrong to want to throw meds at this problem at all? Do I need to just stick it out till my next therapy appointment? NB: I have one on Tuesday but it’s not a regular ongoing thing since the guy I have it with isn’t really available, so who knows when the next one will be.

[thepilotanon]

Prelude xii

...for a horrific malady {masterlist}

I’ve been super busy with a lot of outside work and life in general, so I hope you will enjoy this chapter and will let me know what you think! Your patience and support really means a lot to me.

warning: minor violence, depiction of death.

It was rare for someone to call Commander Kylo Ren through the commlink, requesting his presence immediately. Not even the General, Captain or Head Officers bothered to alert Kylo for anything else that wasn’t on his schedule and he happen to be one minute behind…

So, when the medical assistant from Starkiller Base’s medbay alerted him while he was officially closing the first section of the superweapon underground, seeing the section on his holopad, the young man didn’t waste another breath as he made his way back to his secluded quarters.

Inside the locked off hallway, Kylo found the remains of the medical droid implanted into the solid wall and the medical assistant keeping distance from Nova, who was huddled in a corner farthest away. His visors only seeing her standing stiff, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, Kylo’s helmet head snapped sharply to the male assistant. The poor creature jumped with fear as the Commander marched right up to him and shoved him against the wall, leather gloves fisting the medical uniform as he stared down to the other. Tears were emerging in his wide eyes and his knees rattled, and Kylo wouldn’t doubt that the nurse would be so close to pissing himself.

“What happened here?” Kylo seethed darkly, lifting the man to his toes by his shirt.

The nurse swallowed thickly, trying to speak. “I-I was r-r-requested b-by the d-droid to c-c-come and...h-help w-with…” The man began hyperventilating, and Kylo eventually dropped him before shooting his hand towards the other’s head. Peeling the frightened man’s mind apart, ignoring his cry, Kylo collected the images and voices of what led up to the situation now.

He found the nurse using the emergency code to enter the hallway to find Nova arguing with the medical droid who was holding out the pill container. Nova told the man that she didn’t need the sleeping pill, claiming that she was tired enough to sleep on her own, and how the droid was refusing to leave her alone. As the nurse was calmly trying to assist, the droid made a move with its other robotic hand to grab Nova’s throat, claiming how she must take the medicine -

A snap from Nova using the Force out of fear from the threatening touch, the droid was shoved halfway through the wall and the nurse fell back in terror. Realizing what she had done, Nova demanded that the nurse called for Kylo. She wasn’t mad or threatening to the nurse, no, but she was a bit surprised by her sudden actions bringing back negative memories. Kylo knew this, and it still didn’t deter his anger about the situation being forced upon her.

“All this over a pill she said she didn’t need to take?” Kylo growled and the nurse sobbed when he was finally released from the painful procedure. “If she says she doesn’t need it, then don’t let the droid force it upon her!”

“H-her file s-says t-t-to keep dosage f-for safety,” he tried to explain. “Withdrawal s-so sudden… It c-could be d-dangerous. W-we will fix it w-with the h-head doctor, I-I-I swear, please!”

Seeing the weak man offer the pill container, Kylo held still for a moment before snatching the bottle from him. “Get out.”

The nurse fled as quick as possible when the sliding door opened, and Kylo didn’t hesitate to use the short time frame to Force lift the remains of the med droid and throw it out of the hallway. The door eventually closed, sealing away the shocked faces of officers and BB units beeping curiously to the corpse of the medical droid. Punching his code to the panel to override the lock to keep anyone out, Kylo turned back from the closed door and made his way over to the still woman leaning against the opposite side.

Nova wasn’t shaking or behaving off, just irritated and upset by the ordeal she went through. As soon as Kylo stood in front of her, she pressed her face into his clothed chest and gripped his cape tightly. Tilting his helmet down to watch her, Kylo brought his free hand up to rest between her shoulder blades, making her exhale stressfully. He could feel her exhaustion when she projected it to him, letting the weight of his palm on her back attempt to soothe her temper.

“I do not want to take the pill,” she said. “I’m already tired. I’m too tired to take it, I do not need it.”

“You heard what he said, Nova,” Kylo tried to reason with her as serious as possible. Sneaking the hand from her back to tilt her chin up, he observed the slight shadows under her sparkly eyes and how tired she looked. “Decreasing the dosage that suddenly can affect your health, if you don’t do it properly.”

Kylo has noticed her becoming tired more easily as of late, often returning home with him and not having a desire to eat all of her dinner. Usually, Nova was very excited to consume all of her food, but now she had no enthusiasm to eat nearly half of her portion. When she used to wake at the early morning cycle with no problem - sometimes even before Kylo - was now replaced with Nova struggling to wake up easily or requesting him to let her have another moment to close her eyes. She also has been using her silver whistle during training more often, and lacking her enthusiasm in sparring with others or with him in meditating. A bit slow and jerky, Nova had slowly showed her changing behavior through the past week and Kylo had been keeping an eye on her about it. He knew of the common symptoms of the everlasting snow blizzards causing people to become depressed and tired with the constant darkness and lack of fresh air, and he wondered if Nova was having the same issue. Kylo had requested her food portions to provide more vitamins and nutrients for her immune system, but with her lack of eating…

“Come along, love,” Kylo urged softly, his voice modulator crackling with his gentle tone. Bringing his hand down to take hers, he led her to the door that brought them into their quarters and to his side of the room. Having her sit on his bed while he removed his helmet to put aside, Kylo knelt down in front of her with his knees on the floor.

Nova yawned and rubbed under her eyes sorely, looking to the single pill with absolute disgust upon seeing it in his hand. Kylo followed her gaze and rest his other hand on her covered knee, his thumb brushing the curve as he looked at her with careful eyes, giving her patience and his sole attention.

“You need to take the pill tonight and get some sleep,” he spoke to her carefully. “I will send a message right now to the medbay doctor to change the dosage to reduce the sleeping medicine this very instant, but I need you to take this one tonight to keep flow for the withdrawal. You haven’t been feeling well lately, so please understand how serious this can be if we’re not careful. Do you understand, my darling?”

Sighing, Nova nodded with a small pout. “I scared that man, but I didn’t mean to...I’m sorry I broke the droid, Kylo.”

Taking her hand in his, he pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles. “Don’t worry about it, alright? It was just a stupid hunk of metal with terrible programming. Let me run you a warm bath to calm down before taking the pill.”

Kylo did so, letting her sit in the heated water to wash the stress of the day off and change into comfortable sleepwear. He had to get her to take the pill with her last attempt to refuse, giving her the glass of water and kissing her forehead as a reward when she swallowed the nasty medicine with a sickly expression. Pulling the blankets back and taking off his shirt for his turn in the refresher while Nova tucked herself in, Kylo turned for only a few minutes before finding his woman completely passed out with just her feet under the blankets. He was careful to brush wet strands out of her face, frowning when she didn’t flinch or react from the unexpected touch to her cheek. Not even within five minutes of consuming the pill, this was perhaps the quickest he has seen Nova asleep from the effects.

Taking a deep breath, Kylo brought the blanket up to her shoulder to ensure she was warm and comfortable before standing up. Sensing her Force signature seeming to cling on to his, he told himself that he was going to keep the refresher door open, incase she needed him for anything until he would join her in bed.

Monitoring Nova as soon as he would wake up from his habitual sleeping pattern, Kylo kept himself more close to watching her constant as possible, and keeping himself open to her presence. He would greet her carefully with gentle hands and a soft voice, letting her know that he was there while tracing the visible purple-colored veins emerging under her eyes and holding her shaky fingers against his cheek when she would return the gesture. Kylo would ask her how she was feeling as often as possible throughout the day, keeping mental note of the progress as the messages from the doctor approved of the reduced dosage and a new medical droid delivering the modified pills accordingly. He made sure she would eat the foods that provide vitamins and drinking fluids, yet there hasn’t been much improvement.

Watching as Nova blew the whistle between her lips from the board room above, Kylo made sure that she was provided with fresh water during her training with the stormtroopers. She was a lot more mobile today than usual, promising him that she was fine to direct the cadets better than sitting to the side and pointing things out - although he assumed it was because he informed her that he was shortening their own personal training sessions, and she didn’t like that. He couldn’t read any projections from her, much less sense anything off emitting from her or requesting access. Kylo had often had to approach her physically to remind her of his presence, as if she blanked out for a moment and forgot.

Still, as he followed an officer on a overhead balcony over the training area, his head was turned to keep his eyes on his significant other as she waved her arms to direct two stormtroopers into position, switching them to show her how their fighting patterns have improved from last time. He was only pretending to listen to the chattering officer on information to the next section of the construction plan he already knew way before, only doing as his scheduled told him to, as it was written by his Master.

Yeah, Kylo wasn’t paying attention to the officer.

Nova saw something with the two stormtroopers that made her blow her whistle for them to halt immediately. Getting up from her crouched position and making her way over, Kylo watched her speak with the whistle dangling from her lips between the two, with small hand gestures to their shoulders and abdomen in direction…

The stormtrooper holding a sparring staff was unknowingly projecting worry, making Kylo halt in his steps immediately. There was something wrong, and it was directed on the subject of the woman mentoring the group of EN Units.

Listening in closer to the one’s thoughts, Kylo heard the other verbally point out the dazed look in Nova’s eyes and the precipitation forming visibly on her forehead. Seeing her seem to slouch to one side for a split second, Kylo’s shoulders squared as he narrowed in on a set of stairs to hurry to her aid as he recognized the early stage of passing out. The officer who was speaking to him finally noticed the lack of the Commander behind him, turning around to call for his attention.

Kylo shoved the officer out of the way and ran towards the stairs when Nova collapsed to her knees, the stormtroopers nearby catching her arms to keep her upright.

“We have you all nice and hooked up to this tool called and IV,” the male doctor, Antona, explained to Nova as she was reclined in bed, lifting and dropping her whole arm that had curious tubes and patches sticking to her skin. Chuckling at the woman’s curiosity from the moment she woke up, the dark haired man was careful to halt her from fiddling any more by hovering his hand over her own. “Please, do not play around with it. It is helping provide extra fluid and medicine to you without you needing to consume anything.”

“It’s feeding me?” the apprentice asked with a disbelief look in her tired eyes. The doctor nodded and the woman trailed her eyes up the clear tube to look at the bag filled with clear liquid and the different machines monitoring her heart and breathing levels. “I don’t need to take any more of those gross pills?”

“Not while you’re in the medbay, Nova. Is it alright for me to call you that?” Doctor Antona asked politely at her level, kneeling down all while Kylo sat on the other side of the medbay bed she was stationed into, on a chair close to her. Kylo wasn’t touching her, his helmet keeping his stare on the doctor to see that he does the same as well; so far, his impression on the doctor was neutral. He was kind to Nova and made sure she was comfortable in the new environment, and he was sure to keep in contact with him as soon as he was instructed to leave.

Doctor Antona was someone to trust, and Nova also knew that and shared that thought with him through the Force.

Nova nodded, and it made the doctor relax. “Thank you, Nova. Now, I already have a new blood sample that I am going to study personally, just to see if there is anything unusual going on that the droids and nurses are not picking up. We have been having cases of head colds and flus among the stormtroopers, so this may just be a minor issue, with you being up-to-date with all your vaccines. I will alert the Commander accordingly to anything I may do and ensure you also give me consent; I understand that you aren’t quite comfortable with people in the medbay, but I assure you that it will only be me, my assistant and smaller droids.”

“Not the droids that will want to give me medicine…” Nova spoke warily.

Doctor Antona shook his head. “These will only come in periodically only to check the machines, to update your file, and let me know if there is any sudden changes. They won’t touch you without your permission.”

The room’s door slid open and a woman with freckled skin, red hair and wickedly green eyes, wearing a similar First Order MB uniform to Doctor Antona walked into the room. She only spared the Commander a short, respectful nod of greeting before the standing man beckoned her over closer, all while Nova openly stared at the quiet woman.

“Nova, this is my assistant, Mara,” Doctor Antona introduced. “She will have access here to tend to your IV and any other medications you need to feel better, alright? Do not hesitate to request for either of us, should you need anything, otherwise the machines will alert if there is an emergency.”

“Your IV will be changed to provide you with the proper dose of sleeping medicine, as Doctor Antona prescribed soon, hopefully, within the next hour to give you enough sleep while you take in more fluids before testing,” Mara spoke with a neutral voice, and Kylo wondered if she would be patient and kind to Nova as her superior was. He couldn’t sense much from the redhead, making him wonder if she was from the training facility not too long ago before being taken under the doctor’s wing. Still, he was more focused on the patient than to meddle into other people’s heads at the moment.

Looking to the Commander, Doctor Antona dipped his head to Kylo. “Sir, should you need any sort of update on Nova’s condition at any time, you can look into her file through the holopad after visiting hours. You have complete access, as requested.”

Kylo gave him a single nod before the two medical professions made their way out of the room. Waiting until the door closed, Kylo turned his helmet to see Nova gazing curiously back up to the IV. Her thoughts bubbling with an idea, Kylo sighed through his nose and reached to rest his gloved hand on her bicep to pull her out of her thoughts. Once Nova turned her cheek his way on the pillow, she pretended that she wasn’t feeling as ill as she truly was and gave him a soft smile.

“Don’t think about playing with that,” he warned her, his vocoder making it sound more threatening than necessary, yet the woman just shrugged. “I mean it, Nova. Don’t make me come here in the middle of the night cycle, because you ripped all the IVs and patches off.”

“I won’t… I don’t think I’ll like sleeping here, though,” she admitted with a small frown, looking away from him. She was still dressed in her sleeveless uniform and still had her boots on ontop of the bed. Kylo knew what she was saying, having been on the beds and cots before and dreaded his time on the hard mattress and oddly-smelling blankets. The sheets were itchy and the room reeked of disinfectant and latex, a very uncomfortable combination. Nova had denied being stripped, not really wanting anyone to remove her clothes and see the hidden horrors on her skin to strangers, yet she projected her thoughts to Kylo on how she wished he would hold her instead and bring them both back to their quarters for solitude and low lights.

His thumb tracing a very faint scar on her arm, barely visible, Kylo leaned his other elbow on the edge of the crinkled bedding. “I know, Nova, but this is for your health. I would rather have you come back comfortable and healthy, and not falling down again.”

Despite her ailing complexion, Nova’s cheeks went red with embarrassment as she refused to look at him. Kylo reached over, sensing that no one was aiming to disturb this room or coming anywhere near the room, and gently turned her head to look back up to his empty mask. Getting up from his reserved spot on the chair, Kylo bent his back forward as he carefully touched the rim of the top visors with her forehead and the tip of her nose on his mouth cover. All while she finally kept her eyes on him and staring where his eyes would be, her mind poking him at how she wished his helmet was removed so she could kiss his nose or cheeks, making him smile a bit behind his shield.

“If you behave and get better, you may give me plenty and receive even more to make up for lost time,” he told her and she was quick to smile again with a joyful spark in her eye that made his heart flutter. “Relax now, and I’ll come to see how you are in the morning. They will be bringing the IV containing the sleeping medicine for you shortly.”

“I won’t like sleeping without you by my side, just to let you know. I’ll do it, but I will not like it,” Nova stated to him when he slowly pulled back, and he nodded. “And you will come see me as soon as you can?”

“I will reach out to you through the Force, if should your file show any signs of you being stressed or uncomfortable.”

Kylo read over Nova’s medical file that was being updated as a feed every half hour, as the droids checked in on her IV and machines that checked her heart, lungs, brain pattern and breathing. He had the screen lit up on his bed while he sat on the floor with the next process of construction that he would leave in the middle to go back to the Supremacy, maps of the underground system Kyber mines and machinery that would be shipped down.

It was the second night since Nova’s admission to the medbay and Kylo had kept to his promise in spending his early mornings and late evenings to see her and keep her entertained in a professional setting. Knowing that the two still had to keep their relationship a secret, he had to settle with mental conversations and shared images while she remained on her back on the uncomfortable bed. He couldn’t see much of an improvement, even though Doctor Antona has claimed that she is taking in her fluids perfectly healthy, and yet the shadows under her eyes were still evident and her smiles remained tired. The blood sample Antona had was still in the process of being studied by him, apparently having found something he hadn’t seen before on Starkiller Base, and would alert Kylo as soon as he had answers.

‘It can’t be anything threatening, if she’s completely conscious like she is. Her vitals from the machines are all healthy, which is a very good sign,’ Doctor Antona had said assuringly to the masked Commander earlier, still promising to keep working on the sample while Mara went to change the IV bag periodically.

Nova didn’t complain a bit about her physical comfort, just smiling to Kylo and teasing him to take off his helmet for her own amusement. He could sense she was a bit sore sleeping on her back, and ordered one of the droids to bring an extra pillow for her back, which Nova puffed her cheeks as he stuffed it under her. Despite her sickly appearance and extreme lack of appetite, she seemed perfectly healthy to him and just wanted to go back to their quarters. Mara had to remind her, rather blunt and serious, that Nova was to remain in her position until Doctor Antona says she may be discharged.

At the end of his evening visit, Kylo promised her that he will be keeping track of her progress and bring her something to amuse herself with the next morning. The woman only sighed in response, nodding her head before mumbling how she just wants to share a bed with him again. Kylo could only suffice her needs by touching his helmet with the curve of her forehead and brush his gloved hand to her cheek, promising her that it will come soon enough. It didn’t seem to trick the other apprentice as he had hoped, yet she nuzzled him back briefly before he left.

Everything was fine. That’s what everyone was telling Kylo with honesty, and he could sense it in them as he dug a bit to ensure that they were all telling the truth...

Still, it wasn’t going to stop Kylo’s eyes from darting periodically to his holopad.

Zeroing in on Nova’s Force wall still surrounding the quarters, Kylo pushed out to find Nova from across the Starkiller Base. He released a soft breath when he felt her signature instantly reach out to his and held on in a excited leap, melting against his Force signature rather affectionately as it told him that she was currently asleep. Minding the time of the cycle, the Commander was glad that the woman was sleeping, allowing his Force to embrace hers carefully as he went back to reading the files of the head of construction carefully. Still dressed in his uniform, his helmet off to the side, Kylo Ren flipped through one construction set before finding the file he was suppose to look over. Being able to only get through one file before there was a alert on the pad near the door, stealing his attention, the task was forgotten.

Frowning, the young man got to his feet and approached the pad to see someone was requesting access into the private hall. Swiping the screen, Kylo’s eyes narrowed as he saw Doctor Antona waiting with a tight line on his lips while outside the other door.

Leaving the quarters, only helmetless from his uniform, Kylo opened the locked door and looked down to the doctor jumping out of nerves. The Commander decided to ignore the panicked look on his face and stood there, waiting.

“Doctor Antona,” Kylo eventually spoke as the older man swallowed and took a deep breath.

“Commander Ren, I have information of the blood sample I took from Nova, and need to speak with you as soon as I possibly can,” he said in a whisper, despite barely anyone out in the halls at this time of night.

Narrowing his eyes, Kylo sensed the doctor’s panic, yet he couldn’t place it anywhere specific without causing discomfort to his target. Eventually taking a step aside, Kylo allowed the doctor to enter through the threshold before closing the door sharply.

“Start speaking,” Kylo demanded.

“I have found something unusual from the sample; something that should have not been capable to catch from the Supremacy nor from Starkiller Base. It appears that Nova has contracted a very rare virus that is said to be extinct,” Doctor Anatona fretted quickly. “If I haven’t heard of it before, then there would have been an even greater damage done to her, if we do not act soon.”

“What?”

“Long before either you or I were born, there was a airborne disease that only targeted beings that hold abilities, such as the old Jedi Knights,” Antona began as he pulled out a bacta pump filled with murky, dark fluid from his doctor’s coat. “It would kill the victims within a few days, but, from my studies on Nova’s sample these last couple days, she has had it for more than six months…”

Kylo’s nose scrunched with fury as he glared at the bacta pump in the doctor’s hands. “And what is that suppose to be?”

“The vaccine, sir. I was able to swipe some chemicals from the medbay lab and bring it to my own personal unit, along with Nova’s sample as an antibody. It’s enough to sustain her and stop the virus before getting her into a tank,” Antona spoke quickly. Looking to the Commander, it was obvious that he was trying to hurry with the explanation. “This will kill the virus in her body, but she needs it now before -”

The lights inside the hallway shut down, swarming the two in pitch black darkness that scared the doctor into silence and the Commander to lift his head up to look around. It was odd to him, as if the presence surrounding the quarters was different…

Kylo couldn’t sense Nova’s Force signature.

The overhead speaker clicked on, and Kylo’s frown deepened to a more expressive state as the monotone voice of a droid emerged. “All certified squad units please report to stations. Starkiller Base on lockdown, this is not a drill. All certified squad units are to report to designated pin and ready at Section I-J, Number 1-8-9-1. Starkiller Base on lockdown, this is not a drill.”

“Section…” Kylo snarled as he slashed his hand out to force the chrome doors open with a aggravated hiss. Antona jumped at the sound as the red lighting of the backup generators for the lockdown hummed to life while the Commander stalked out of the hallway in a fast pace.

The doctor was quick to follow after the young man as they trekked nearly halfway through the main base towards the medbay; stormtroopers marching and cluttering the closer they got until they passed the main entrance of the desk to see the damage.

Dead nurses and doctors littered the wreckage of the secluded medbay unit, and droids shattered to nothing but bolts and electric screws. The hallway was messed with broken glass and dented walls, as if someone rammed themselves against it, and the called units were busy scrambling to carry off the deceased and see further into the situation. Kylo didn’t pay them any mind as he marched through and made a direct line towards the one room he cared for, all with the doctor calling behind him and the stormtroopers trying to stop him.

Nova’s room was borderline unrecognizable. The bed was flipped over and crushed like an aluminum can and the IV bag that was once connected to the patient appeared to have exploded, now dripping the fluid from the bent pole it was hooked on. The machines were sparking electric sparks from the exposed wires, making a dangerous hazard to any exposed skin coming close to it. Kylo’s bare eyes scanned the room with blazing fire within them, his chest starting to rise and fall rapidly as he pushed his Force out to find the missing patient…

Everything was scattered. Nothing was right. Danger. Fear.

Someone was scared. Someone was lost and so, so afraid.

Nova.

“Doctor Antona, sir,” a officer called out to the dark haired man appearing to be bewildered by the state of the room. “We have checked the holorecords and found that the patient inside the room went rogue, yet the machines assigned to this room still shows that she is asleep.”

“Where is she now?” Kylo interjected in a low voice, not turning around as both men glanced his way.

A second too long passed, and the officer was slammed against the wall right outside the room and pinned with his feet dangling desperately. Antona froze as Kylo turned around and snatched the bacta pump out of his hand as he approached the officer, prying deep into his mind to find the images and words he needed:

Target broke from the emergency exit near 5-8-9-1, headed into woods with unit following tar...

Target not responding, must use immediate action to...

Lost contact with units following into blizzard...storm interference, perhaps? Waiting to hear -

“As soon as you hear from the units, you will command them to fall back immediately,” Kylo instructed darkly, dropping the officer before glaring back to Antona. “You will see to what happened here, and await my call. You answer to no one else.”

“W-what will you do, Commander?” Antona asked, his brows furrowed with concern.

“I’m going after her alone. I’m taking the vaccine with me.”

“Commander Ren, the Base is in lockdown, you won’t be able to get out or return inside to any of the main buildings once it’s official,” the weak officer tried to stop him, yet Kylo walked right passed him. “It’s too dangerous! The blizzard!”

Following the numbers towards the exit she went through, Kylo began feeling the sudden drop in temperature as he approached the gaping hole that remained one of the once locked exits. It was as if it was peeled apart, and radiated an unhealthy amount of Force used to break the heavy and hard material. No stormtrooper ever stopped Kylo as he marched through to the outdoors, ignoring the stinging in his cheeks and nose as he kept pushing through the heavy snowfall towards the woods, the snow up to his knees and wind trying to force him back as the alarms continued to echo through the storm.

Grinding his teeth, Kylo kept going as he registered the distant pain and suffering happening deep in the blizzard.

Fun fact: Doctor Antona is an official character in the Star Wars video game franchise. Nova’s medbay number is also a homage to Indiana Jones with the release year backwards (I know Galatic Basic isn’t like the English alphabet, but I don’t care c:)

taglist: @ayatimascd @ymariejp @yippee-ki-yay-motherfucker460 @formerly-anonhamster @rosalynbair @redhairedfeistynerd

Remember, if you would like to be tagged for future chapters, please don’t hesitate to message me! I’d be more than happy to add you. Thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you!

[just-breathe-fight-cf]

FIVE FEET APART CH3

Rachael Lippincott with Mikki Daughtry and Tobias Iaconis

Copyright 2018 / Simon & Schuster BFYR

Summary:Seventeen-year-olds Stella and Will, both suffering from cystic fibrosis, realize the only way to stay alive is to stay apart, but their love for each other is slowly pushing the boundaries of physical and emotional safety.

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CHAPTER 3 - STELLA

I pull on the blue AffloVest, snapping it into place around my torso with Barb’s help. It looks an awful lot like a life vest, except for the remove coming out of it. For the quickest moment I let it be a life vest, and I stare out the window, picturing myself in Cabo on a boat with Mya and Camila, the afternoon sun glowing on the horizon.

     The seagulls chirping, the sandy beach in the distance, the shirtless surfers--and then, despite myself, I think of Will. I blink, Cabo fading away as the barren trees outside my window swing into view.

    “So, Will. He’s a CFer, then?” I ask, though that’s obvious. Barb helps me clip the last strap into place. I pull at the shoulder of the vest do it doesn’t rub into my body collarbone.

    “A CFer and then some. B. cepacia. He’s part of the new drug trial for Cevaflomalin.” She reaches over, flicking the machine on and giving me a look.

    My eyes widen and I look over at my giant tub of hand sanitizer. I was that close to him and he has B. cepacia? It’s pretty much a death sentence for people with CF. He’ll be lucky to make it a few more years.

    And that’s if he’s as dedicated to his regimen as I am.

    The vest begins vibrating. Hard. I can feel the mucus in my lungs starting to slowly loosen.

    “You contract that and you can kiss the possibility of new lungs good-bye,” she adds, eyeing me. “Stay away.”

    I nod. Oh, I fully intend to do just that. I need that extra time. Besides, he was way too full of himself to be my type. “The trial,” I start to say, looking over at Barb and holding up my hand to pause the conversation as I cough up a wad of mucus.

    She nods in approval and hands me a standard-issue pale-pink bedpan. I spit into it and wipe my mouth before talking.

    “What are his odds?”

    Barb exhales, shaking her head before meeting my gaze. “Nobody knows. The drug’s too new.”

    Her look says it all, though. We fall silent except for the chugging of the machine, the vest vibrating away.

    “You’re set. Need anything before I hit the road?”

    I grin at her, giving her a pleading look. “A milk shake?”

    She rolls her eyes, putting her hands on her hips. “What am I room service now?”

    “Gotta take advantage of the perks, Barb!” I say, which makes her laugh.

    She leaves, and I sit back, the AffloVest making my whole body shake as it works. My mind wanders, and I picture Will’s reflection in the glass of the NICU, standing just behind me with a daring smile on his face.

    B. cepacia. That’s rough.

    But walking around the hospital without a mask on? It’s no wonder he got it in the first place, pulling stunts like that. I’ve seen his type in the hospital more times that I can count. The careless, Braveheart type, rebelling in a desperate attempt to defy their diagnosis before it all comes to an end. It’s not even original.

    “All right,” Barb says, bringing me not one but two milk shakes, like the queen she is. “This should hold you over for a bit.”

    She puts them on the table next to me, and I smile up at her familiar dark-brown eyes. “Thanks Barb.”

    She nods, touching my head gently before heading out the door. “Night, baby. See you tomorrow.”

    I sit, staring out the window and coughing up more and more mucus as the vest does its job to clear my airways. My eyes travel to the drawing of the lungs and the picture hanging next to it. My chest starts to hurt in a way that has nothing to do with the treatment as I think of my real bed. My parents. Abby. I pick up my phone to see a text from my dad. It’s a picture of his old acoustic guitar, leaning against a worn nightstand in his new apartment. He spent the whole day setting it up after I insisted he do that instead to take me to the hospital. He pretended not to be relieved, just like I pretended Mom was taking me so he wouldn’t feel guilty.

    It’s been a lot of pretending since the most ridiculous divorce of all time.

    It’s been six months and they still can’t even look at each other.

    For some reason it makes me want to hear his voice so badly. I tap on his contact info and almost press the green call button on my phone, but decide not to at the last second. I never call the first day, and all the coughing that the AffloVest makes me do would made him nervous. He’s still texting me every hour to check in.

    I don’t want to worry my parents. I can’t.

    Better to just wait until morning.

 My eyes shoot open the next morning and I look for what woke me, seeing my phone vibrating noisily on the floor, having free-fallen off the table. I squint at the drained milkshake glasses and mound of empty chocolate pudding cups taking up practically the entire space. No wonder the phone fell off.

    If we’re 60 percent water, I’m closing in on the remaining 40 percent being pudding.

    I groan, reaching over the bed to grab my phone, my G-tube burning with the stretch. I gently touch my side, lifting my shirt to unhook the tube, surprised that the skin around it is even redder and more inflamed than it was before.

    That’s not good. Irritations usually go away with a little bit of Fucidin, but my application yesterday didn’t seem to make a difference.

    I put a bigger glob of the ointment on it, hoping that will clear it up, and add a note to my to-do list to monitor it, before scrolling through my notifications. I have a couple of Snaps waiting from Mya and Camila, looking sleepy but happy as they boarded the plane this morning. Both of my parents texted me, checking in to see how I slept, if I’m settled in, and saying to give them a call when I get up.

    I’m about to answer the both of them when my phone vibrates, and I swipe right to see a text from Poe: You up?

    I shoot back a quick message seeing if he wants to have our usual breakfast date in twenty, before putting the phone down and swinging my legs over my bed to grab my laptop.

    Less than a second latter my phone buzzes with his reply: Yees!

    I grin, hitting the nurse-call button by my bed. Julie’s friendly voice crackles through the speaker. “Morning, Stella! You good?”

    “Yep. Can I get breakfast now?” I ask, turning my laptop on.

    “You got it!”

    The time on my laptop reads 9:00 a.m., and I pull the med cart closer, looking at the color-coded clumps I laid out yesterday. I smile to myself, realizing that this time tomorrow, after I get the beta version of my app fully up and running, I’ll be getting a notification on my phone telling me to take my morning pills and the exact dosage of each that I need.

    Almost a year of hard work finally coming together. An app for all chronic illnesses, complete with med charts, schedules, and dosage information.

    I take my pills and open Skype, scanning the contact list to see if either of my parents is on. There’s a tiny green dot next to my dad’s name, and I press the call button, waiting as it rings noisily.

    His face appears on the screen as he puts his thick-rim glasses over his tired eyes. I notice that he’s still in his pajamas, his graying hair jutting out in every morning, even on the weekends.

    The worry starts to slowly wrap itself tighter around my insides.

    “You need a shave,” I say, taking in the unusual stubble covering his chin. He’s always been clean shaven, except for a beard phase he went through one winter during elementary school.

    He chuckles, rubbing his scruffy chin. “You need new lungs. Mic drop!”

    I roll my eyes as he laughs at his own joke. “How was the gig?”

    He shrugs. “Eh, you know.”

    “I’m glad you’re performing again!” I say cheerily, trying my best to look positive for him.

     “Sore throat doing okay?” he asks, giving me a worried look.

      I nod, swallowing to confirm that the rawness in my throat has started to subside. “Already a million times better!” Relief fills his eyes, and I change the subject quickly before he can ask any more treatment-related questions. “How’s your new apartment?”

      He gives me an over-the-top smile. “It’s great! It’s got a bed and a bathroom!” His smile fades slightly, and he shrugs, “And not much else. I’m sure your mom’s place is nicer. She could always make anywhere feel like home.”

     “Maybe if you just call her--”

     He shakes his head at me and cuts me off. “Moving on. Seriously, it’s fine, hun. The place is great, and I’ve got you and my guitar! What else do I need?”

     My stomach clenches, but there’s a knock on my door and Julie comes in, holding a dark-green tray with a pile of food.

     My dad sees her and brightens up. “Julie! How’ve you been?”

     Julie puts down the tray and presents her belly to him. For someone who insisted for the past five years that she was never having children, she seems ridiculously eager to be having children.

     “Very busy, I see,” my dad says, smiling wide.

     “Talk to you later, Dad,” I say, moving my cursor over to the end-call button. “Love you.”

     He gives me a salute before the chat ends. The smell of eggs and bacon wafts off the plate, a giant chocolate milk shake sitting on the tray next to it.

     “Need anything else, Stell? Some company?”

     I glance at her baby bump, shaking my head as a surprising swell of contempt fills my chest. I love Julie, but I’m really not in the mood for talking about her new little family when mine’s falling apart. “Poe’s about to call me.”

      Right on time, my laptop pings and Poe’s picture pops up, the green phone symbol appearing on my screen. Julie rubs her stomach, giving me a strange look before flashing me a tight-lipped, confused smile. “Okay. You two have fun!”

     I press accept and Poe’s face slowly comes into view, his thick black eyebrows hanging over familiar warm brown eyes. He’s gotten a haircut since the last time I saw him. Shorter. Cleaner. He gives me a big ear-to-ear smile, and I attempt to grin back, but it ends up looking more like a grimace.

     I can’t get the image of my dad out of my head. So sad and alone, in bed, but the lines of his face still deep and filled with exhaustion.

     And I can’t even go check on him.

     “Hey, mami! You are looking WORN,” he says, putting his milk shake down and squinting at me. “You go on one of your chocolate pudding benders again?”

     I know this is where I’m supposed to laugh, but I seem to have used up my pretending quota for the day, and it’s not even nine thirty yet.

     Poe frowns. “Uh-oh. What’s wrong? Is it Cabo? You know sunburn is nothing to play with anyway.”

     I wave that away and instead hold up my tray like a gameshow model to show Poe my lumberjack breakfast. Eggs, bacon, potatoes, and a milk shake! The usual for our breakfast dates.

     Poe gives me a challenging look, like I’m not getting away with that subject change, but he can’t resist holding up his plate to show me the identical meal--except his eggs are beautifully embellished with chives, parsley, and…Wait.

     Freaking truffles!

     “Poe! Where the hell did you get truffles?”

     He raises his eyebrows, smirking. “You gotta bring ’em with, mija!” he says as he moves the webcam to show me a med cart that he’s converted into a perfectly organized spice rack. It’s filled with jars and specialty items instead of pill bottles, sitting under his shrine to his favorite skateboarder, Paul Rodriguez, and the entire Colombian national soccer team. Classic Poe. Food, skateboarding, and fútbol are by FAR his three favorite things.

     He has enough jerseys pinned up on his wall to fully clothe every CFer on this floor for a poor-playing, no-cardiovascular-strength B-team.

     The camera swings back to him, and I see Gordon Ramsay’s chest peering out from behind him. “But first--our appetizers!” He holds up a handful of Creon tablets, which will help our bodies digest the food we’re about to eat.

     “Best part of every meal!” I say sarcastically as I scoop my red-and-white tablets out of a small plastic cup next to my tray.

     “So,” Poe says after he’s swallowed his last one. “Since you won’t spill, let’s talk about me. I’m single! Ready to--”

     “You broke up with Michael?” I ask, exasperated. “Poe!”

     Poe takes a long sip of his milk shake. “Maybe he broke up with me.”

     “Did he?”

     “Yes! Well, it was mutual,” he says, before sighing and shaking his head. “Whatever. I broke up with him.”

     I frown. They were perfect for each other. Michael liked skateboarding and had a super-popular food blog that Poe had followed religiously for three years before they met. He was different from the other people Poe had dated. Older, somehow, even though he had just turned eighteen. Most importantly, Poe was different with him. “You really liked him, Poe. I thought he might be the one.”

     But I should know better; Poe could write a book on commitment issues. Still, that never stopped him on the quest for another great romance. Before Michael it was Tim, the week after this it could be David. And, to be honest, I envy him a bit, with his wild romances.

     I’ve never been in love before. Tyler Paul for sure didn’t count. But even if I had the chance, dating is a risk that I can’t afford right now. I have to stay focused. Keep myself alive. Get my transplant. Reduce parental misery. It’s pretty much a fulltime job. And definitely not a sexy one.

     “Well, he’s not,” Poe says, acting like it’s no big deal. “Screw him anyway, right?”

     “Hey, at least you got to do that,” I say, shrugging as I pick at my eggs. I can see Will’s knowing smirk from yesterday when I told him I’d had sex before. Asshole.

     Poe laughs midsip of his milk shake, but he sputters and begins to choke. His vital monitors start beeping on the other side of the laptop as he struggles for breath.

     Oh my god. No, no, no. I jump up. “Poe!”

     I push aside the laptop and run into the hallway as an alarm sounds at the nurses’ station, fear in every pore of my body. Somewhere a voice shouts out, “Room 310! Blood oxygen level is in free fall. He’s desatting!”

     Desatting. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe. “He’s choking! Poe’s choking!” I shout out, tears filling my eyes as I fly down the hallway behind Julie, pulling on a face mask as I go. She bursts through the door ahead of me and goes to check the beeping monitor. I’m scared to look. I’m scared to see Poe suffering. I’m scared to see Poe…

     Fine.

     He’s fine, sitting in his chair like nothing happened.

     Relief floods through me and I break out in a cold sweat as he looks from me to Julie, a sheepish expression on his face as he holds up his fingertip sensor. “Sorry! It came unplugged. I didn’t tape it back down after my shower.”

     I exhale slowly, realizing I’ve been holding my breath this whole time. Which is pretty hard to do when you have lungs that barely work.

     Julie leans against the wall, looking just as shocked as I am. “Poe. Jeez. When your O2 drops like that…” She shakes her head. “Just put it back on.”

     “I don’t need it anymore, Jules,” he says, looking up at her. “Let me take it off.”

     “Absolutely not. Your lung function sucks right now. We’ve gotta keep an eye on you, so you need to keep that damn thing on.” She takes a deep breath, holding out a piece of tape so he can tape the sensor back on. “Please.”

     He sighs loudly but reattaches the fingertip sensor to the blood-oxygen sensor worn on his wrist.

     I nod, finally catching my breath. “I agree, Poe. Keep it on.”

     He glances up at me as he tapes the sensor onto his middle finger, holding it up to me and grinning.

     I roll my eyes at him, glancing down the hallway to the asshole’s room: 315. The door is tightly closed despite the commotion, a light shining out from under it. He’s not even going to poke his head out to make sure everybody’s okay? This was practically a floor roll call, as everyone opened their door to double-check that everything was fine. I fidget and smooth my hair down, looking back over at Poe in time to see him raise his eyebrows at me.

     “What, you trying to look good for someone?”

     “Don’t be ridiculous.” I glare at him and Julie as they shoot curious looks in my direction. I point at his food. “You’re about to waste some perfectly food truffles on a bunch of cold eggs.” I say, before hurrying off down the hallway to finish our breakfast chat. The more space between room 315 and me the better.