#i think i’m stuck bc in my mind it Has to be Perfect

[coolwyous]

┈─★ #1 𝘩𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘢𝘥𝘥𝘺

  ⊹ ࣪ ˖ megan skiendiel loves three things in this world: her amazing brilliant wife, her incredible adorable kids, and the beautiful sport that is ice hockey.

   ˎˊ˗  ❄️  ⊹ ࣪ ˖  🔓୭˚.  ⠀ ᵎᵎ ⠀ 🗝️

   ➴ pairing: hockey daddy!megan skiendiel x f!reader

   ➴ genre + wc: 3.3k, domestic parenting au, all fluff no pain baby!

┈─★ a/n: wrote this in 2 hrs bc i missed our big puppy hockey!megan so bad and this put such a cute fucking vision in my head. can def be read as a standalone but if you're new here, i highly encourage reading the college hockey!au verse this is based in! <3

“babe! baby! jesus christ babe, get in here!”

your mind goes to the worst possible places. your son could be choking, he could be having an allergic reaction, he could be stuck in between a piece of furniture, and your perfect angel of a wife could be having a crisis as she tries to figure out what exactly to do in an emergency.

marriage with megan has been an absolute dream, and you always knew she’d make an incredible parent. protective, calm, kind— basics, sure, but megan does them so easily, you never questioned that a family together would be an absolute dream. however, megan is still megan, and you love her for each part of her, including the parts that panic when things do not go according to plan. that’s where you balance each other out: you keep megan in line when she starts to spiral, and she reminds you of the beauty in the day to day.

in this scenario, you’re in panic-mode, racing into the living room expecting the worst.

you let out a gasp to find not only is there no crisis, no furniture on fire, no natural disaster sweeping up your son and wife, but quite the opposite.

megan is reaching her arms out, crouched down, and your infant son is taking his first steps towards her, his chubby face squished up in the cutest smile you could have ever imagined.

“look at this guy! so sturdy,” megan beams, reaching out ready to catch him should he start to wobble.

you laugh and take a mental picture of the moment. you see a mischievous glint to megan’s eyes as she watches his wobbly little body take another step forward.

“megan, i swear if you even think about—”

“i wasn’t gonna say it!” she throws her hands up innocently.

“he just took his first steps,” you chastise her, knowing her well enough after all your years together. “don’t do this. i didn’t start rambling about universities or classic literature when he first said mama.”

“fine,” megan shakes her head in defeat, focusing back on waving to your son to get him to take a few more steps forward. “fine.”

you smile and turn to go hunt down your phone to document the moment. before you’re fully out of the room, you hear a quiet voice whispering to the baby.

“you’re a tank, dude. you’re gonna make a killer defender. get that core strong and we’ll be on the ice in no time.”

“megan skiendiel,” you warn firmly.

“shit. mommy heard us talking about the no-no word.” megan swoops up your son and uses him like a human shield, knowing you can’t stay mad at your two favorite people in the whole world. “okay, okay. i can wait. i get it.”

“i just want one milestone where you’re not trying to prep him for the nhl, i’m begging,” you laugh, reaching out to kiss her. she grins and kisses you back, scooping up your son to hold him between you two.

you can’t even pretend to be mad. you have the most perfect family in the world, what more could someone want?

-

“push left, then push right.”

megan makes skating look so easy, impossibly easy as she always has. when the first snowflake of the season fell, you already knew to get the kids’ winter coats ready, knowing megan would force you all into the car and haul you all to the lake ASAP.

“this is hard,” maxie breathes, his lower lip jutting out in frustration. 

“guess what?” megan tells him, her voice softening as she realizes the emotions taking over your toddler. “it may be hard, but you can do hard things. and you’ll have me holding your hand all the way through.”

your daughter starts to squirm out of your grasp and eagerly reaches for her other mom. you press a kiss into the beautiful baby’s head and hold onto her, knowing your wife needs all her focus in one place right now.

“push left, push right. don’t be afraid to fall,” she nods confidently as you watch from the snow. “you’ve got this, dude. if i didn’t think you could do it, i wouldn’t be pushing you.”

your heart swells as you see your son’s eyes burn with determination at megan’s encouragement. max does exactly that, and he’s shaky, but making slow paces forward. 

megan skates over to you, giving your son some space to figure it out without her over his shoulder. you grin and reach out to kiss her reddened nose, cold to the touch from the chilly falltime air.

“forgot how good of a captain you were,” you compliment, your chest warm and fuzzy seeing how gently but firmly megan builds your son’s confidence. “might want another one just to keep seeing you be that good.”

“another team for me to captain?” megan grins.

you laugh. “no— another kid, loser.”

“oh.” her eyes widen, but that stupid dopey grin only multiplies on her face. “right right right.”

your daughter wiggles once more in your grip and reaches out again. you smile, handing her to megan, who nestles her onto her hip while skating backwards to keep her eyes fixed on your son. 

“look, look!” max calls out loudly, beaming with his precious toothless grin as he glides slowly along the ice.

you look up, ready to cheer him on, but your wife has already got you beat, her face lighting up instantly in pure, sincere, beaming pride.

“that’s my boy! that’s my boy!” she cheers.

megan throws your daughter up into the air and swings her legs around her neck to have the toddler sitting on her shoulders, causing the girl to giggle uncontrollably. max, still wobbly, manages to skid along the ice, his confidence increasing with each pace forward he makes without tipping. you smile at your little family. 

-

“baby,” you call out, peeking at the three on the ice from over the pages of your book. “your daughter is about to do a backflip off of the snowbank.”

“josie, sweetie, sit down please,” megan calls out to her, standing with max as the two practice passing a puck back and forth.

“no thank you,” the girl responds simply.

“okay, no, wait,” megan pauses, wrinkling her nose. “no, princess, it doesn’t work like that. daddy’s words are not an option.”

max pauses, watching the whole thing unfold in front of him. he shrugs and drops his stick, putting his hands on his hips as he innocently observes his sister. “auntie dani says sometimes you just gotta send it.”

“okay, no more time at auntie dani’s,” megan grits. you burst out laughing. 

“i told you she’d be a terrible influence.”

“i didn’t think she’d try to influence a five year old,” megan groans, grabbing josie to snatch her off the snowbank. the girl pouts and wiggles out of your wife’s grip, taking easily to the ice in her skates.

“babe, you know how daniela is,” you laugh. “you’re the only one to blame if you trusted her to be a good influence. i told you lara is more than happy to watch them.”

“lara has enough on her hands with the twins,” megan shakes her head, giving max a push to help him slide across the ice, sending the boy screaming laughing. “josie is a tornado.”

“so you stick her with the most insane person you know and expect it to go well?” you laugh.

“okay, okay, this is not bag on daddy time,” megan scrunches her nose at you, grabbing josie by her hood as the rambunctious child tries once more to climb the snow and jump. “i thought maybe dani could help me understand how to lay the law down more. you never have any problems with them.”

“the kids listen to me ‘cause i mean what i say,” you laugh, watching as megan increasingly fails to wrangle the two children as they go in opposite directions. “unfortunately, big bad strong hockey daddy folds every time your five-year-old gives you the puppy eyes.”

josie’s little voice cuts in, somehow at the top of the snowbank.

again.

“can you send a picture of me up here to auntie dani? i want her to see me send it!”

megan’s eyes nearly bug out of her head at the sight.

“my perfect sweet wife, will you grab your daughter, please?” she pleads, nervously holding her arms out in case the girl is too quick and jumps anyways.

you shake your head, pointing behind her as max is aimlessly hitting pucks off in random directions on the ice, pucks you know will never be found again.

“actually, my perfect sweet wife who doesn’t listen or learn, i wanted to do a library date. you’re the one who insisted on taking them to the lake. when you know i still can’t skate,” you remind her.

“oh my god,” megan groans, reaching up to snatch josie by the ankle, causing the little girl to giggle uncontrollably as she gets swung through the air and placed gently back down onto the ice. megan picks up her stick and quickly blocks max from hitting his last few pucks, instead redirecting them all easily back into the small bucket they came in. you watch, impressed. megan has been retired for a year now, shortly after josie turned 4, but she’s still good as ever.

“my thoughts exactly,” you laugh.

“remind me of this exact moment next time i suggest doing this again,” megan blinks.

“babe, this happens every time.” you remind her, flipping through another page in your book. “literally every weekend.”

megan, still impossibly strong, grabs both your kids by the back of their jackets, flipping them both around to face the same direction on the ice. the sound of their rumbling giggles makes your heart flip.

“laps, both of you.” she demands, her voice stern (or about as stern as your goofy, ridiculous megan can get.) “now, minions.”

“no,” josie pushes back challengingly. 

“oh yeah?” megan bends down, pointing a finger menacingly at your daughter. “why? scared you’ll get left in my dust?”

you laugh, watching as your wife takes off on the ice, your two bumbling children skating along after her in an attempt to catch her. your heart melts at the sight. 

-

even at lara and dani’s encouragement, megan had never seen herself as exactly coaching material. several colleges had tried soliciting her to coach for them after her time in the wnhl, and she had turned down each of them in favor of staying home with the kids while you continued to work. you didn’t mind— between what she had made playing professionally, your current job, and the current time she can dedicate to her family now that she’s done traveling, the trade off is well worth it.

but the perfect way to fill her time was coaching your son’s 7 & under junior hockey league. 

“way to take that shot, champ!” your wife cheers as max misses yet another practice shot. “love the confidence, buddy!”

you laugh and hand her the coffee you just picked up for her in the lobby. “you’re being surprisingly patient.”

“no, he’s honestly so, so bad at this, poor guy,” megan lets out a quiet breath, and the both of you laugh. one of the assistant coaches takes over the drills as you two watch the kids from the side. “he’s trying like hell, though.”

“alright, relax coach,” you wrinkle your nose at her playfully. 

you both hear a thud against the plexiglass and realize josie, who is supposed to be taking figure skating lessons on the other side of the rink while max’s team practices, is shoulder checking her poor coach into the wall again, much to the woman’s displeasure. you give her a sharp look to cut it out and she instantly straightens up, nodding at you in understanding.

megan gives you a quick look before bursting out into laughter. you know your daughter’s menace-like behavior is nothing to laugh at, but it’s such a sharp contrast to gentle and compliant max, you’re grateful to have such characters for children that keep you and megan on your toes.

“josie’s sick of figure skating, meg” you tell your wife gently, knowing you’re approaching a sensitive topic for her. “she’s been stealing his sticks and messing with his goal in the backyard. i know you’ve seen her.”

megan lets out a nervous sigh. “i was afraid that’d happen.”

when max happened, you saw it be so easy for megan, like being a boy dad was the most thing in the world. she had all the answers, no fears, no concerns. but as much as she loves both your children equally, you know for a fact that josie was different. megan was so, so much more nervous with raising a girl, and while you didn’t feel the same pressure, you knew it kept megan up at night wanting to make sure she did everything just right for your guys’ little princess.

“she wants to be just like you, meg,” you tell her gently as you both watch the girl roll her eyes at the coach and do another twirl. “she pays attention, talks about your teams, wants to watch your old games. she’s so eager to be part of that world, and you keep brushing her off.”

megan shakes her head, clearly wanting to pivot away from the topic. “mrs. baker called again today. she’s worried about her reading.”

you sigh. mrs. baker, josie’s kindergarten teacher. 

“i remember how the first meeting went, megan. i was there, remember?” you laugh, rubbing her arm soothingly. “josie’s still got time to figure it out before they go on diagnosing anything. she’s barely 5. give her time. you sound more worried than her teacher did.”

megan’s knits her brows, avoiding your gaze as she watches both kids on the ice. 

“i don’t want her to distract herself with hockey if she’s already at risk of falling behind in school.”

“meg,” you soften your voice, leaning you weight against hers. “it’ll be okay. let her try, we can support her. she won’t fall behind.”

“i don’t want her to beat herself up.” her voice drops into a rasp as you see her swallow down nervously. “i don’t want her to feel stupid.”

your heart aches thinking about baby megan, all those years beating herself up over struggles that were never her fault. you see how anxiously she projects forward, wanting so desperately to spare your guys’ daughter from the same fate, the same self-consciousness, the same lack of confidence.

“she won’t. give her a chance. she might thrive,” you reassure her. “having something she’s that passionate about might make her motivated to work harder.”

megan nods, pressing a kiss into your head. you feel her body relax against yours as you two lean together, watching the practices go on. “you’re right. i’m overthinking it.”

“she might be the next you,” you smile.

before you can say anything else, megan is motioning for the figure skating coach to pause, waving for your daughter to come over to where you guys are standing. 

“max, come here,” she calls out, leaning down on the wall to be eye-to-eye with your kids as they both skate over, their eyes wide in confusion. “josie, go borrow your brother’s gear.”

“are you benching me?” maxie asks anxiously. 

“would you rather go get a new book and hot cocoa with your mom?” megan asks, her voice soft, her eyes scanning over your son’s face as she chooses her words carefully. “would you rather not come back to practice?”

“i like hockey,” max says quickly, almost too quickly. your heart aches. you see megan in him too— nervous, kind-hearted, eager to be good, not wanting to hurt anyone.

“but do you love it?” megan pries gently, taking one of his hands in hers to comfort him.

“i would rather be reading, yeah,” max admits, his gaze dropping to the floor. 

megan is quick to take his chin gently in her fingers and lift his gaze back up to hers. “hey, hey, that’s okay. were you afraid to hurt my feelings by telling me that?”

“yes,” he admits sheepishly. 

“thank you for being kind, but thank you even more for being brave and telling me the truth,” she pulls his helmet off of his head and presses a kiss into the top of his sweaty hair. “go with your mom. i love you so, so much. you’re the coolest kid.”

the boy complies, coming off the ice and taking off his gear, handing each piece to his younger sister. “i was scared you’d be mad at me.”

you see megan’s face wrinkle in concern. she shakes her head, reaching down to give the little boy a tight, comforting hug.

“never ever. i love you with my whole heart. i can’t wait to buy you all the books in the world, dude,” she reassures him, nodding. “go give your sister your gear. your mom is waiting.”

you smile and reach out to your son, handing him his hoodie. he swipes it up eagerly and takes your hand, beaming excitedly.

“i heard you’ve been practicing on your own,” megan says as she kneels down, focusing now on helping josie put on all the gear. it’s a size too big, but it’ll do. “you ready to show me what you can do?”

“really?” josie’s eyes light up.

“these boys are bigger than you are,” megan warns, but she doesn’t sound worried. she sounds eager, proud. “think you can keep up?”

“yes,” the girl nods eagerly. 

“go show off,” she encourages, giving josie a push on the ice to send her towards the practice. “but no backflips! you’ll give me a heart attack.”

“boring,” she gripes, skating off. 

you can’t help but laugh. 

“she’s going to kill me,” megan groans, pinching the bridge of her nose.

you poke her in the cheek, letting max rest on the bench for a moment. 

“she’s karma for every single time you lashed out at one of your teammates. remember senior year?”

“yeah. alright, alright,” megan waves you off, rolling her eyes, but she pulls you in to give you a quick peck. you both watch as she boldly joins the drill as if she’s been doing it for years, quickly handling the stick and the puck with a confidence unmatched by most of the boys on the team.

“she’s a natural,” you beam proudly.

megan lets out a low whistle. “better than i was my first time on the ice.”

“i’ve always said she’s just a less anxious version of you,” you smile. “right down to the puppy dog eyes.”

megan grins back, wrapping an arm around your waist. “you love these puppy dog eyes.”

you look into those puppy dog eyes, the things that drew you in when you first met her, and the things you’re pretty sure were the first part of megan that you fell in love with, before the rest of her fell right into place inside your heart.

“being just like you won’t be the worst thing in the world, meg,” you tell her gently, you both watching as josie blasts past the other boys on the ice, handling the puck with unimaginable expertise. 

“at least college is paid for,” megan wrinkles her nose, letting out a sigh. “who knows. maybe some sucker will get roped into giving her their english class notes.”

“and then they fall in love with each other and become college sweethearts. and survive long distance, and get married. and have a super cute family with two kids and a crusty white dog,” you add on, wrapping your arms around her waist to pull her into a hug. 

“i got super lucky,” megan breathes, finally turning to look down at you.

“yes you did,” you grin back up at her. 

“i love you,” she tells you, kissing your forehead tenderly.

you admire her perfect face, looking back at your perfect daughter and your perfect son. your perfect little family, something you could have never pictured when you first met megan in your british literature class all those years ago.

you smile, reaching up for one more kiss.

“ditto.”

[bitterpngs]

art is so hard

[butterflywingswrites]

can you write a fic where the reader had a boyfriend but she breaks up with him bc she wants to try girls (we know who’s the girl she wants to try 😋)

“so caitlin is my project partner for marketing class” you explained to your boyfriend “she invited me to come watch so i thought it would be a fun date for us”

you and your boyfriend got settled in your seats as you watched the team warm up. even in the warm ups, caitlin captured the crowd. you couldn’t help but notice what her sweatpants hid: those perfect thighs. they were strong and beautiful. was that an ass? her sweatpants definitely hid that

as you watched the game, you became mesmerized by her aura. caitlin captivated the crowd with her amazing shots and high energy. after one particularly good basket, she stuck her tongue out to the crowd. your mind wandered to how that tongue would feel in your mouth, on your nipples, on your thighs, in your pu–

“i think she’s waving at you” your boyfriend took you out of your thoughts. you focused back on the court. she was waving at you. you waved back and she winked before turning her attention back to her coach

***

“who was that guy you were with last night?” caitlin asked when you took a break from working on your project

“that’s my boyfriend”

“boyfriend?” caitlin raised her eyebrows “i didn’t know you had a boyfriend”

“it’s new. we’ve only been together for a couple weeks, just testing things out”

“i thought you were gay”

“oh! no, no. definitely not” you denied, perhaps a little too forcefully

“interesting. i was definitely getting sapphic vibes from you. are you bi?” she leaned in, very interested in your response. you felt your face heat up

“umm. i don’t really…” you trailed off awkwardly

“got it” caitlin didn’t make you finish your sentence “have you been with a girl before?”

“no” your face was still hot

“would you?”

“if my boyfriend and i break up, i wouldn’t be opposed to try kissing girls” you admitted

“just kissing? i usually cum better when i’m with a girl” caitlin confirmed your suspicions about her sexuality

“i feel like i’ll have to see how i feel in the moment”

“okay, no pressure. i just think you should explore your options if you have the opportunity” caitlin leaned in to whisper in your ear “just so you know, a girl has never had a problem finding my clit”

“oh” you were at a loss for words. you knew it wasn’t fair to your boyfriend, but you could feel yourself getting wet

“just something for you to think about”

***

“so you said sex with girls is better than sex with guys?” you asked caitlin during your project break

“for me, yes. but of course that’s just my experience. why do you ask?”

“just thinking about what you said the other day”

“oh” caitlin raised her eyebrows “and what about the boyfriend?”

“i broke up with him. i just wasn’t feeling it” you were also far too into caitlin for it to be heterosexual, but you left that part out

“so you’re single and thinking about sex with girls?” caitlin seemed pleased you were single now

“i guess i am” you giggled a bit when caitlin smiled “let’s get back to our project”

caitlin’s fingers ghosted up and down your thigh as you worked on your project with her. when her fingers got close to your pussy, you breathed in deeply to calm yourself down. you needed to focus on the project, not your hot project partner. caitlin must’ve wanted your attention because she put two fingers right on your clit

“did i find it?” she teased with her words from the other day

“no problem” you teased back. you tried to continue working but she started rubbing circles on your clit. even through your leggings, her fingers felt amazing. you held back moans as she applied the perfect amount of pressure with her fingers. eventually, a moan escaped your lips

“that’s it, pretty girl. moan for me” her words sent a rush of wetness to your underwear. clearly she didn’t want you to hold back, so why were you? you leaned in and kissed her. you were nervous because you’d never kissed a girl before, but at ease because caitlin made you so comfortable. you giggled when she pulled back with a cute smile on her face

“are you sure you’ve never kissed a girl before?” caitlin teased. you gave her another long kiss

“just you” another long kiss

“come” kiss “to” kiss “my” kiss “room” caitlin could barely get a word in because you wouldn’t stop kissing her. you let her guide you from her living room area to her room. as soon as she closed the door, she gently pushed you on the bed and got on top of you

she kissed you deeply and played with the hem of your shirt. when you pulled back, you nodded, signaling to caitlin to take off your shirt. she wasted no time pulling off your shirt and kissing down your stomach

“so soft” she mumbled on your skin between kisses. she continued kissing your stomach until she got impatient, playing with the waistband of your pants. you lifted your hips so she could get your pants off. she immediately threw them to the side and started kissing your thigh

“so” kiss “fucking” kiss “pretty” caitlin kept kissing your thigh until you whined impatiently

“caitlin please. i need you” she hooked her fingers in your underwear. you lifted your hips so she could pull them off of you, throwing them with your leggings

caitlin licked your pussy slowly, making sure to give you time to relax and get used to her. her tongue felt amazing and you couldn’t hold back your moans. the moans seemed to encourage her and she moved on to licking and sucking on your clit. her mouth on your clit was incredible and you felt yourself getting close to orgasm. you pulled her hair and she moaned against your pussy

“mhmm caity” you moaned as she finished you off with her tongue. you giggled when she pulled back and her whole face was wet

“i found it, right?”

[lains-reality]

I sincerely apologise for writing this. i feel really conflicted right now. I have been getting suicidal thoughts lately because of my circumstances. Sometime I feel like I don’t even want to exist. I came to non-duality from loa. I spent 3 years trying to “manifest” a peaceful life. Trying to escape from my circumstances and wake up to a completely different life.

I make myself promises to like “manifest my desired life my the end this month” or “to stop making the same mistake” but I end up breaking them. I felt like I over consumed alot and now I don’t know where to begin or what to detach from. I tell myself that I’ll throw my phone aside and start applying but then I get caught up in my problems again and it’s just a cycle on repeat.

I have to say I’m quite ashamed of myself. Not being able to accomplish anything in my life and disappointing those around me despite knowing the law of assumption and now non-duality.

This is probably the most stupidest thing I have ever asked but could you simply non-duality in a a few sentences? I feel like I have come to the point where I can’t even trust myself to stop over consuming and wishing for change. Thank you.

you might benefit from this and this.

i really would like you to read this!

the body-mind, the "I" you think you are, i'll call them sam!

give up trying to manifest. give up trying to change the world with sam's thoughts and feelings, its torture.

here's the main point:

simple mindfulness is what gurus have asked of us. not convincing, denial or forcing. its observing. 

observe the habit of 'you'. you take the "I" to be the body-mind, sam. sam is a habit, and is sustained through attachment and aversions. drop them.

all you need to fix is your wrong identification. let go of sam and all their stories.

if you find yourself forcing, suppressing, or trying to get rid of sam (something that you don't do), then remember this: god is already perfect. the answer is to surrender.

there's no image or role to maintain. you can just be.

here's a more in depth reminder.

there's so many words for Self: Absolute Perfection, Bliss, Infinite Being, Supreme Reality. i want you to remember I AM. I AM is complete and whole, alone. its just beingness. just as it is. before the world and sam, you are conscious. before wanting, you are conscious.

nondualism's goal is letting go of all the concepts that stop you from seeing Self.

the body-mind is a thought. its an idea. you are already detached from sam. but you don't see it bcs you are identified with them right now. you are attached to your character, and we want to release all those attachments.

"the identity is a shadow. it is not us. analyze your mind briefly, and you will find that is nothing but a byproduct of societal conditioning, peer opinions, books, movies, whatever content you've most willingly consumed." - luvcompass

the mind is just a bunch of thoughts, feelings and memories. are you a thought? are you a story? are you a memory? are you a feeling?

sam is. but you are not sam.

sam doesn't want sam and all the stories anymore (likely because you think you are stuck as sam). but sam never was. sam is an idea, a story. they are a thought in the mind. because you are identified as sam, you see sam. without your awareness on sam, sam wouldn't be.

Unless they understand who they really are, that Vanessa (sam) is a habit and nothing more - that nothing has existence outside of awareness, including her, that awareness assigns reality and is the only reality - they're always going to struggle to control something and get frustrated they don't see what they think they're aware of. What you're aware of is what you're being. You can't be aware of being something new while also being Vanessa. [source]

The ego is an activity, its not innate, its FORMED.

"Ego (sam) is not an entity. It is an activity. It is an optional activity of identifying itself with a fragment that Consciousness is free to make or not, from moment to moment." [source]

and by habit of taking the "I" to be sam, it continues.

focus on respond vs react. start catching yourself out when you say 'i am ...', start asking questions to yourself abt who 'i' is. start watching your thoughts. learn how to feel your emotions when they come up, don't run away from them or they will continue to come up until you deal with it. this is a process of allowing.

"I make myself promises to like “manifest my desired life my the end this month” or “to stop making the same mistake” but I end up breaking them."

i want you to accept now. you are sam, so you see sam. stop chasing a future that will never come. there's only ever the present moment.

To be identified to your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. This creates an endless preoccupation with past and future and an unwillingness to honor and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be. The compulsion arises because the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions. — Eckhart Tolle

what would happen if you stopped using the past as a reference? what would happen if you stopped projecting past stories into the future? what would happen if you stopped thinking of a tomorrow?

"i felt like I over consumed alot and now I don’t know where to begin or what to detach from."

start with "who am i?". anything you can outgrow? not you. anything you can observe ? not you. in the absense of it, you don't disappear? not you. it changes and you don't disappear? not you.

how do you know you are sam except by your belief that you are sam?

"I have to say I’m quite ashamed of myself. Not being able to accomplish anything in my life and disappointing those around me despite knowing the law of assumption and now non-duality."

read this. also, there are no others. you are seeing yourSelf play out.

let go of the shame, regret and guilt. read the linked post, and watch the source from the first quote, it'll help. i also want you to watch this.

give yourself compassion. give yourself space to grow. sam is a random person just like anybody else, so why chastise them for stuff that just happens?

sam cannot do anything in the first place. (what is sam gonna do to change the infinte? why would the infinite need changing anyway?)

you are putting pressure on sam to change the world, but really Self orchestrates all. sam is just another creation of Self. this entire world is Self's expression. give up intellectualising what sam did, maybe it has nothing to do with you and it just happened?

sam is not a problem or mistake!

sam is already part of infinity and exists whether sam likes it or not. you are unconditionally accepted already as perfection or else you wouldn't be here.

“All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.” - nisargadatta maharaj

i'm sorry i wrote too much, but i hope this helps! please be safe!

[fourstarsoutofnine]

I'm so sorry if you've gotten too many Four requests already, but I SWEAR YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I TRUST ENOUGH TO DO THIS 😭🥺

anyways! i have this scenario in mind: Four working on fixing/making a blade or he's relaxing and he's wearing a sleeveless shirt, so reader gets to see his arms and holy shit there's no way those arms weren't chiseled by the goddesses themselves so reader immediately gets a dumb dreamy smile with heart eyes and all. So while in their very clear admiration and fawning over Four (Four is the only one that hasn't noticed), when the smith approaches them they end up absent mindedly blurting out a very... not so subtle compliment of what they've been looking at on him for a while now. Feel free to decide what happens next.

whether Four and reader are already in a relationship is up to you but i think it'd be funnier if reader just has the biggest crush on him and he had NO idea gshdjshshdjsjdjsj

A/n:I genuinely think yall are mindreaders bc I’ve been wanting to write this too😭I’ve also been thinking about how he’d be literally so buff👁️👁️also thank you so much for entrusting me with this🫡four is one of my favorites and I always enjoy writing for him so don’t worry!

Forge

Four x reader

You don’t know how you ended up in this situation.

Actually, yes you do. You’re just a little foggy. I mean, how could you not be? Hot room, steam coming from the heated weapons dipped into the water….

Your boyfriend standing there working tirelessly, and doing so while looking effortlessly beautiful.

Let’s set the scene. You’re in the forge, in his Hyrule. He was beyond elated to be back in his own forge again. He figured he could finally make a weapon the champion couldn’t break, and it’s exactly what he was attempting to do now. You had a front row seat to the show, too. Blacksmithing always intrigued you, and even more so after you got with the smith himself, so you were more than excited to see him in action. You just didn’t account for how little you’d actually pay attention.

I mean, how could you? You sure tried, but your mind was so full yet so empty at the same time as you watched him work.

You didn’t understand how someone could look so perfect. All you knew was the strength that lay under his skin could only have been put there by the goddesses themselves. You were just delighted to have seen it in your lifetime.

Sweat beaded on his face, seeping into the headband he kept wrapped around him in hopes both hair and sweat wouldn’t fall into his eyes. He raised the mallet in the air and it came crashing down onto the hot metal in what would’ve been a loud bang, but you were too focused on the way he moved to care about it. Everything was muffled around you and it seemed you two could’ve been the only people in the world. Your heart pounded against your chest from either the heat of the fire or the man in front of you, you neither knew nor cared. He was like a song, you determined. The way the strength of his body was the perfect tune to the lyrics of his wonderful mind and soul would be one you could listen to over and over—and the tapestry of beautiful and poetic sentiments you thought of him was one woven so thick you’d be able to sleep under only it during the coldest of winters.

You’d been stuck in your own head about it for so long that you gained a lovesick smile. The thought of being held by him, kissed by him, or Hylia—even spoken to gave you that giddy feeling in your chest, like the butterflies swirling there wanted to fly out the moment you opened your mouth. He’d been watching you for some time, wondering when it was you’d notice he was looking at you. Finally his words broke through.

“Y/n..!” He laughed. “Hey, I’m talking to you..” he tilted his head to look at you with a quirked smile. “You alright..?”

“Huh?? Oh—yeah..” you sunk in on yourself at being caught daydreaming, face blooming a bright red with the blush extending into your ears and neck. “I’m fine…”

“What’s on your mind, dove? Huh?” He rested his cheek in his hand. “What brought out that smile you had earlier?”

Oh goddess, oh jeez— “uhm—uh—it’s-um—“ your words only became more jumbled as his smile got wider. His eyes filled with that same look yours had been only moments ago. He was just as in love. Your brain hit the panic button. You were no longer in control. “You. Your arms. You’re hot.”

His eyes widened and he leaned back in a loud laugh. Your cheeks puffed up and you looked down, embarrassed. When his laughter died down a bit, he walked over to you. “Oh, goodness, I love you.” He stood on his tiptoes and caught you up in a kiss. You melted against him and wrapped your arms around him, kissing back. His snaked around your waist and held you firmly there. When you pulled away he got a mischievous grin. “So my arms, huh?~”

“Oh shut up!” You shoved him away, covering your face. He just kept laughing. It’d be all too fun to tease you in the future, and you knew exactly what you were in for…

You didn’t exactly mind.

[queenxxraccoon]

Speaking of female characters in The Outsiders, what do you all think their clothing styles and personality would be like? Characters we’ve read about or watched in the movie, what kind of depth do you think their characters have? I’ll try to give an idea of what I think. I also will say I don’t like a decent percent of the female characters bc of things they’ve been described to have done. Although Angela is the MVP we love her. @nexternalknowsthingz @thatonetotaldramaguy weigh in on this in curious.

Cherry: A girl a really tries to please both sides, can come off as arrogant and selfish but is forced to go along with what she is told (Socs forcing her to treat Greacers like trash). She although has a fiery side to her and has a big belief in her moral values (stuck up for Ponyboy at the drive in) she’s not perfect but I think she definitely tries and has good heart. 6/10 (God I hate her a lot though 😭)

Clothes:

Marcia: A genuine girl, shes very shy and polite. She can be sassy but also classy. Definitely also defends her friends like Cherry and is a real girls girl. Definitely also keeps out of trouble, she doesn’t trash Greasers but can believe some can be erratic or spontaneous into doing bad behavior. Doesn’t condone it but doesn’t make you feel bad for it. 8/10

Clothes:

Beverly: Now, forgive on this, but haven’t seen the musical so I don’t her personality at all. But she seems like she would take no shit. Think of Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls. Very demure, very mindful, but will bust you right up side the head if she thinks you acting up. I can also see her being a bit of a toxic friend who uses people as stepping stones. 3/10

Clothes:

Evie: Steve’s gf. Not much is told about her in both the in the book and movie but let’s be real, she’s dating Steve. (I personally ship Soda and Steve but if we’re going cannon…) I definitely she a loving girl but someone who can PARTYYYY! A friend who would give the most amazing advice, definitely the girl who like knows what you like before you telling her, example:

Evie: “What you want to eat?”

Friend: “Idk I’ve never ate here before.”

Evie: “I bet you’d like (random food and drink combo)

You order it and you fucking love it. She understands ur taste. 10/10

Clothes:

Sylvia: Oooo hold me back I’m gonna beat this girl up. Similar to Beverly but way more toxic and isn’t afraid to show. Bev would work behind backs and in the shadows, but Sylvia would just be a brat and absolutely bitch to your face. She wants to demolish your self esteem. Katy Perry’s song Hot and Cold (idk I don’t listen to Katy Perry lol could be the wrong song name). Like one minute she could be super sweet but then tear you down the next. Constantly keeps you on your toes and gaslights you till you cook

S/O (Prob past Dallas): “Hey I’m leaving to hang out with my friends.”

Sylvia: “You never talked about them, who are they? Where are you going?”

S/O: “I talked about hanging out with them this morning.”

Sylvia: “No you didn’t, stop lying. Maybe you should get your brain checked because you’ve mentioned them before. Are you gonna go cheat on me with them?” Etc. Not a good time, -10/10

Clothes:

Sandy: Well, she’s not good either. Definitely a little spoiled. Would def manipulate Soda into believing he was a bad bf bc he didn’t do one really small thing for her like pull her chair out in a restaurant for her. 😒 Miss literally cheated, got pregnant and left Soda. (Or Soda got her pregnant? Can’t remember lol) But I feel overall she’s very bratty and not fun to be around. 3/10

Clothes:

Angela: This bitch! WE LOVE HER!!!!!!!! Comes in clutch. Someone talking shit about someone she loves, smack to the face. Don’t like the way ur acting, ear gets pulled. She wouldn’t do this unprovoked either, like she would need good reasons. Def a lover to her friends and a fighter to her enemies. I also believe that she’s into exercise or weight lifting. Honestly in my opinion def the energetic on steroids version of Evie. 1000/10

Clothes:

[wisteriasymphony]

Warning im gonna ramble: I’m happy someone is saying it out loud! This is always a trend when it comes to feminine men I think- I’m not a man, nor have ever been one myself, but when it comes to deconstructing male mental health and how we view femininity, I think making Adrien transfem/genderswapping them only works in a context where they are slowly regaining agency or are the ones regaining autonomy! More of marinette’s role in the narrative if that makes sense. And while it can be funny, I dislike it when it’s portrayed that Marinette will be the one to realize that they’re trans tbh. Like??? This guy is oblivious, but he’s also always stuck in his own thoughts? Let him be the one to analyze himself and conclude her own gender! This is true for any genderfluid Adrien tbh, even transmasc. I know ur a deathnoter, so I’m gonna draw on a death note fic here; “I think I was born blue” by anon (it’s fantastic give it a read if u want!). That fic has a lot of the repression that I think Adrien would struggle with esp as a trans person. Throw the sentimonster stuff in there and there’s no way in hell he’d confront it unless he had truly mentally reclaimed himself from the order to be his parent’s perfect boy. Same also applies to cis-swapped Adrien! When you make her a girl, you also have to appropriately grapple with the implications! (This is also ignored with Kagami, if to a much lesser degree.) If your female characters existence survives on the idea that she cannot live for herself and your story still claims to be centered on promoting feminism, that’s weird! I like knight princess yuri a lot, think rev girl utena, but the princess cannot just stand there and be a doll! The princess must also have thoughts! Also- how come Adrien gets this the most? I know it’s partially bcs he’s a “feminine pale boy “twink””, but even when you suggest characters like Nathaniel could be trans, it rlly just doesn’t pick up! I am a certified fudanshi and love yuri, but I need ur yuri to allow both female characters to participate in being people with a mind! TLDR: I love transdrien and I love yuri <3 (kiss ur girlfriends ppl), but analyze why one specific guy gets the fem beam! Analyze why a guy can’t show “feminine” traits and still be messy and masc and not get hit with the purity beam! Analyze why when a person is without agency why they are seen as a perfect partner! And if ur gonna write transfem Adrien, pls be more creative with names y’all! “Adrienne” is lame she would name herself either something simple (Marie idk) or smthing cool af ( Ysée). Ok thank you for the soapbox I will be back if that’s fine :3

You're welcome! I think some of the people I've talked to tend to say that Adrien would keep the name "Adrien" regardless of identity, which I think is cool as fuck. "Adriana" is also popular but I'm not a fan of it because it's so transparently just "Adrien + a" (as in common feminine modifier in English names). Like, come on guys... At least Adrienne is French.

I do think going the route of examining how repressed Adrien is and directing that towards transfem Adrien is an extremely cogent interpretation and also super valid. Like you said, it would just have to coincide with some self-reflection that the show only lets Adrien have in breadcrumbs.

I don't know, I'm aware that calling these things into question can be seen as trying to "debunk" theories or headcanons and I don't want to ruin anyone's fun, which is why I am so hesitant to discuss it. That's never been my intention. I just want people's ideas on them to be good and thought-out. That includes picking up on the implications and broader context.

God. Okay I'm finally over this I don't want to discuss it again. Every single time I feel like an awful person for bringing it up

[daisyjonesgf]

wanda wanda wanda. thinking abt sam claflin in leather & whimsy + billy again.

this is semi based on this but fantasy!au whimsy & billy with pirate billy & fortune teller/apothecary whimsy

she reads his palm and cards etc etc and it’s all like “you’ll meet someone soon. your relationship will be rocky at first but all will be well! also be careful bc you'll fall to your own hubris and be in danger and will have to rely on someone else to help you” and it’s all legit but he’s like “lmao what a scam” gives her her money and just leaves

and she’s like upset bc most people believe her like she’s well known in town for being a reliable diviner bc fantasy & magic and stuff so like who the fuck is this guy?

they keep running into each other bc whimsy probably keeps getting into situations when foraging herbs for her tinctures & stuff (she keeps disturbing these fuckass monsters in the woods and everyone’s like girl stop going into the fucking woods) and billy keeps having to save her prince charming style except he’s still this like drunk pirate jack sparrow wannabe

at one point HE’S the one that gets in trouble and she has to save him (fucked around w a bear or smth that whimsy is friends w bc in my head her DND class wld be druid)

they lowkey fall in love after this and when she’s nursing him back to health bc the bear got his ass she’s like “so much for the cards being phony huh?” all huffy but self assured that she was right and he just kisses her!

sorry i’m so obsessed w them whimsy is like my fav out of all ur sonas

your brain is a beautiful beautiful place and I love this so fucking much oh my god, them in a fantasy au is so perfect and oh my god that leather fit gets me every damn time fr

pirate billy who's stuck in this fuckass town because his boat wrecked (siren induced) into the rocks and billy narrowly escaped (side note ik there are a lot of mermaid!reader x finnick but how many of those versions of finnick are pirates...I need to know for research purposes...anyways) so he narrowly escapes with his brother and is trying to put together a new crew and get money for a ship (aka the band) billy is cocky and a drunk and just too serious and full of himself most of the time but also has this charisma to him.

and graham is the one the town gravitates more towards community wise because he's just sweeter and more willing to believe things, while billy (huge riot with the girls in town) is still a drunk and obsessed with feeling like a successful pirate again. so graham is like "if we want a crew and money until then, we need to get to know people, follow town customs" so they go to you. the town's fortune teller and you make little tinctures at your apothecary and talismans.

graham believes in it (especially since you can tell he likes the rush of pirating, enjoys it even, but wants to settle down eventually, have a family, fall in love) and you warn him to be careful and find someone who aligns with his dreams before he falls (he does not heed that advice because he still falls for karen). and then there's billy. he does not believe a single thing you're saying, things it's all psychological trickery and lies, plus he makes his opinions very known. you tell him how he'll get the things he wants eventually but only once he's opened his heart and mind to what's around him. but some sort of danger may befall him if he lets his hubris get in the way, and someone unexpected will save him. that love is coming into his life. he scoffs, brushes it off, and you're offended because who is this man to come into your village, into your shop, and act so superior?

you immediately cleanse when they leave (graham mouths apologies at you and tips you extra).

of course you always go looking out in the woods for crystals and plants or mushrooms, and you take some things that are supposed to protect you, but you have your own hubris. you don't expect anything will ever get you (you've always gotten yourself into trouble and habe a habit of barely escaping) but something usually does try and attack you. there are all sorts of goblins, and orcs, werewolves are always a huge danger when you go out during full moons to charge crystals and make moon water and get certain plants that only bloom during the full moon, trolls, and so many other things.

and there's billy...who has become convinced based off of old town folklore there's some sort of treasure buried in the woods somewhere so he is desperately trying to locate it. and so he starts suddenly playing your knight or prince charming, he always complains about it afterwards and how it's crazy that you're out here at all with no means to protect yourself (you point out that he is out here too and you have spiritual protection, so he points out he has a sword) although no one is making him do anything, he's choosing to rescue you. and he gets an adrenaline rush when he does it, not to mention afterwards when you walk back to your shop together just so he can "make sure you stay safe and don't get you're dumbass in trouble again" you both go between bickering that becomes more and more conversational (and more laughing and flirting) as time goes on.

one day you do accidentally slip that you know where the treasure is, but it's a little cove type area through the woods. he immediately starts planning going the next day and you warm him that nobody does because of kelpies. he scoffs because he couldn't possibly fall for that if he knows they're there, but you assure him that they can be very persuasive and aggressive, people from your town have died going out there even though they knew as well. whether that's by being in a horse like or a human like form. he scoffs, you argue, and he reminds you that it's absolutely none of your business. so you both huff and you storm into your shop/house and he storms back off to the inn (most times when he saves you, you invite him in for a meal to thank him).

anyways you can't sleep because of the pit of dread in your stomach that he is going to go. you're up all night, tossing and turning, and early morning sitting by your window and working out in your little garden until you seem him setting off. so you wait and then you follow him, he almost catches you a few times, but you've survived this long in the woods because you know how to be quiet and sneaky (and sing to animals that want to be sung too) (and to be honest subconsciously you had started being clumsier when you realized he would always be around to save you and you wanted to see more of him...it wasn't a conscious decision, but you had suddenly gotten in a lot more trouble than you had the years before). so you follow him through the woods and to the other side.

of course the kelpies are there although they don't appear until he's nearly dug the treasure up (he's so close that from afar you're sighing in relief because maybe you were wrong this time which is crazy because you hate being wrong, but he's safe and that's what matters) but then of course there's a kelpie. a kelpie who becomes a man, billy tries to dismiss it, but the kelpie is imitating his father, the father he barely remembers since he is still daddy issues central, making him more emotional, bringing him closer to the water, making it harder for him to think rationally. he's getting alarmingly close, the type of close that is going to get him dragged in. and you really are just in time when those seaweed like strands start trying to stretch themselves out, to pull him into the waters and take him far below.

there you are, grabbing him, pulling him backwards, out of reach and away from the water as much as you can. he's shocked as it turns back into a horse, mostly because of the emotions of it all. but you pull him back into the woods as he stumbles following where you guide. then you're safe in the woods and have half the mind to slap him for his stupidity and not heeding your warning when he suddenly starts crying. tearing up, thinking about his father, all the damage he did, and you stand there for a moment and then just hold him. let him cry until he's done, the rest of the walk back is silent. he's too upset and you're still furious inside mixed with the pity you feel.

when you arrive back at your little cottage of a shop you tell him, not ask, tell him to come inside and he does as much. comes in and instead of you starting a fire and making a soup like you usually do while bantering with him, you pry up one of the loose floorboards and stars lifting up sacks of coins, of money you've saved over the years.

"is that enough?"

and he's taken aback, no idea what you're asking, "what?"

"is that enough for you to buy yourself a boat and never do something that stupid and dangerous again?" and he just stares at you, dumbfounded in a way that screams yes so you get up off the floor and walk towards him still so stern. "then take it and go take whatever crew you've made and sail the seas to your hearts content without getting yourself killed. it's honestly ridiculous-"

and then he's kissing you and you cannot help the way you melt into it, the way your lips dance together, like it's meant to happen. kissing you until you're both out of breath when he says the unthinkable, "come with me?"

and you don't know why, but you do. tale as old at time, at least the pg version you tell your children in the future. you get to see the wonders of the world and share your spiritual abilities where you land and it's perfect (besides the fact you and billy definitely still stubbornly argue and you have to hear him and daisy fighting, and eddie arguing as well)

wow, I got really into this...send help 😭

[bluegarners]

2024 Writing Year in Review

tagged by: @blackbatcass & @daringyounggrayson tagging: @hood-ex and @boyfridged and @dustorange if you would also like to play <3

number of stories posted to ao3: eight

word counted posted for last year: 37,211

fandoms i wrote for: dcu, batman all media types, green lantern

pairings: i wrote one jaykyle fic pairing but everything else was platonic

stories with the most kudos, bookmarks and comment threads: i am going to leave out solar flares in this count bc i only posted one chapter this year (omg i promise to finish it one day, im so sorry)

most kudos: Shoulders, 411 kudos

most bookmarks: Shoulders, 117 kudos

most comment threads: Shoulders, 21 comments

work i’m most proud of (and why): i know i keep talking about it, but Deep Bells is probably the one i am most proud of just because i've never written anything like it before and i think it's one of the very very few fics i've written where i am satisfied with it and am not cringing every time i come across it

BUT

if i had to choose a different one, it would be sleepless, perfect duty because i really liked the frantic dynamic i managed to cultivate and the familiar but deeply intense child anxiety that comes with perfectionism but also the understood oath that batman MUST come before robin at all costs, even if batman doesn't like it and IDK i think this would be the one i would rec to ppl if they wanted to read one of my fics that centers the early days for batman and robin

work i’m least proud of (and why): solar flares... and my reasoning! is that i am sooo stuck on it... i really would love to finish it, to end it in a way that gets the core message across, that wraps it up in a neat bow so that i and all of my sweet readers can enjoy and find satisfying, but for whatever reason that has been the most difficult thing for me. i honestly look back at the entire thing and feel a little shame bc even though i worked so hard on it and for so long and i have so much encouraging support, i just can't help but dislike it in small ways. i hope that 2025 will let me finish it and me happy with it

share or describe a favorite review you received: SO MANY. SO MANY!!! anytime someone leaves a long comment with sections of the fic copied and pasted with their little reactions or commentary, my heart BURSTS WITH JOY!! i have such difficulty believing in myself and my writing, so every specific or detailed comment makes me feel seen and real

if you left a comment or a bookmark with comments, please know you made my year infinitely sweet and more worthwhile. i know that sounds dramatic, but sometimes seeing that number in my inbox is one of the few good things about my day, so i am forever grateful for those of you that choose to spend your time reading and telling me what you thought

a time when writing was really, really hard: even though i did publish eight fics/chapters this year, writing overall was a struggle. i needed some kind of motivator to write, so a majority of the fics i wrote for 2024 were gifts for others. i hope in 2025 i can self-motivate and write things for myself <3

a scene or character you wrote that surprised you: it was a gift for @ekleiipsis, but the entirety of Thumbnail was a surprise! i actually had a lot of fun writing jaykyle and i am the kind of fan that has a hard time perceiving any character in a sexual manner or scenario or really any relationships, so writing jason todd (ace king in my head) getting down and dirty (but in a mild way) was actually fascinating and like dissecting a bug... didn't have a clue what i would find but it was a fun experience!

a favourite excerpt of your writing: i think this is mostly recency bias, but in sleepless, perfect duty, there's this scene that honestly came straight from the heart and mind ( i know it's long but i think it's importanttt)

how did you grow as a writer last year: hmmm i think maybe i thought more about the sentences i was writing. i tend to just dive head first into the zone and whatever comes out on the page is usually what stays there, but i remember specifically trying to create certain tones with my sentence structure. not even the words, but how long the sentences were, where i was putting my commas, how often i was moving on from paragraph to paragraph. i still have a long way to go but i think i made some progress

how do you hope to grow this year: i hope i can get better about writing action scenes and complicating plot via action rather than emotion. probably 90% of my writing is all introspection/character emotion driven

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer, beta, cheerleader, etc.): @mysterycitrus!!! greta's fics and blurbs shared have made me so badly want to improve my writing, it is ridiculous how talented greta is with not only characterizations but in general well-thought out plots and complexity! i feel i struggle with creating and evolving relationships in a story, and greta's stories do them soooo masterfully in my opinion, everyone needs to go read persephone's in hell if they haven't already

anything from your real life show up in your writing last year: i don't think so...

any new wisdom you can share with other writers: for new writers, straight up, your first fanfic is probably not going to be super stellar or get many comments, kudos, hits, etc... DONT BE DISCOURAGED BY THAT!!! it is so utterly rare to be amazing right off the bat and it would in fact be really strange if that were to happen. no one gets good instantly, and even as your writing does improve, that unfortunately won't always be recognized by others. everyone has heard this a million times because it's TRUE but things take time and greatness doesn't happen overnight. remember all of the great writers and artists of the past- most of them weren't recognized for their talents until well after their death. don't be discouraged by bad reception. if you love what you do, you have to keep loving it enough to keep doing it

for the writers that are like me and have been writing for years and want to continue writing but sometimes feel too burnt out or uninspired to do so: don't give up. find something new that excites you, be it another fandom, another medium of creativity, or literally anything else in the world. don't feel bad about leaving a fandom you're established in just bc you don't want to disappoint fans of your work. you're allowed to move on or look elsewhere, you don't HAVE to stay. but if you WANT to stay, don't pressure yourself to keep creating content for others to consume just bc that's what you're used to. start doing things you're not used to or just take a break. if you're a writer, go read other fics or published books. if you're an artist, go write something or read other things. the main thing to keep in mind is you're not obligated to do anything ever, ESPECIALLY if it makes you unhappy

any projects you’re looking to starting (or finishing) this year: solar flares i want to finish (no promises, im sorry </3 ) and there are sooooo many batman and dick!robin fics i want to write, they've been on my mind very often lately. i've talked about some of the ideas i want to put to paper, so hopefully i get on that for the new year!

[tortoisebore]

any tips for new writers?

(btw i am literally in love with hey, sharpshooter it had me up all night reading it <3)

**disclaimer that i am by no means a person that has any actual real education/experience in writing or character work or world building & i can only give you what has worked for me & the things i’ve kept in mind while writing my little gay fanfiction 💞👯‍♀️

my main big picture tips are not backed up in research, they’re just what’s worked for me:

1. make a deeply detailed outline. spending a lot of time writing a very long, detailed outline at the beginning helped me a lot when i felt stuck in the back half of the fic. the outline changed a lot from when i started it, and i added little notes and ideas for scenes or dialogues or character traits along the way, but all of my big idea generation happened there and it helped me a lot with pacing the plot and building the characters and their relationship gradually. also** it was not some sort of technically perfect, structured outline—this is what it looked like:

fr just get all of your ideas down on a page in whatever way works for you. this is the place to word-dump to your heart’s content!!

2. make the first draft bad. fr just get it in the page. if you’re not feeling it or don’t have any specific word choices in your head when you’re writing the first draft, don’t worry about the dialogue being realistic or having perfect flowery metaphors or beautiful descriptive world building. literally just get it on the page in whatever way you can.

3. connect the dots between the type of writing you like to read and what you like to write. i loveee books with flowery prose and metaphors and natural dialogue, and i found that i really enjoyed writing those things, so they were the goals i focused on while i was doing all my editing/second draft writing. on the flip side, if you like to read extensive world-building but find yourself struggling to find motivation/inspiration to write it, don’t. try to write how you want to write, but put more emphasis on writing how you like to write.

4. don’t force it. this has been crucial to me bc i work a 9-5 in the art/design industry and i only have so much creative energy to go around, so i have to ration it carefully. if you try to force yourself to write when you’re really not feeling it, or when you’re out of motivation and frustrated and tired, it will 100% show in your writing.

5. don’t think about posting your work. for 99% of us, this is a hobby. posting your work is not a hobby, creating it is!! rn we exist in a world where people view creativity and art solely as content to be consumed, and i encourage you to place more emphasis on actually enjoying and finding peace and meaning in the journey of making something rather than the idea of other people consuming it. what it does for you and how it makes you feel is far more important than what it does for the people pressuring you for an update you’re not ready to give them.

and then here are a couple technical/grammatical tips that i learned way back in like 6th grade english or picked up on by reading a million books over the years & still think of constantly:

1. vary your sentence structure!! i am sometimes bad at this and i don’t really pay attention to it in my first drafts, but when i go back and edit i make sure to vary my sentences by length, compound vs. simple, breaking up with semicolons or hyphens, etc. a story that’s written with strong, varied sentence types will read much more naturally and flow better than one that doesn’t

2. be intentional about starting your sentences with different words. again, when i’m writing my first drafts i don’t pay much attention to things like this, but when i’m editing i’m really anal about making sure that my sentences don’t all start with “he” or “[insert name here]” or “it” or whatever. sometimes you can’t work around it, but my goal is to never have two consecutive sentences start with the same word, and i really really try to make sure that two consecutive paragraphs don’t start with the same word

3. say your dialogue out loud. i had the hardest time trying to make my dialogue feel natural at the start but honest to god saying it out loud with all the cadence and emphases you’re writing it with can really help you find ways to make it feel like actual people talking. also, don’t be afraid to use ellipses and hyphens and break up a string of dialogue with an action, like a character sighing or biting the inside of their cheek or moving their hands. people don’t talk in perfectly-structured sentences. we run-on and don’t use punctuation and we restart or hesitate in the middle of a sentence—include that!!

[v3nusxsky]

hey! :) im basically copy n pasting from my original request i hope that’s okay!!

could i request a smut of emily (cm) and a nonbinary (female body) reader who uses they/them pronouns? and it’s reader’s first time with someone sexually (bc they have body insecurities and never felt comfortable with anyone else - feel free to change that though!) and Emily just takes lead and spoils them! also reader has a mommy / praise kink n overstim ;)) dom Emily and sub reader if that wasn’t clear!

Princess Treatment 18+

*Authors note~ happy birthday to my darling girlfriend @just-your-casual-nerd !!!! I hope you're feeling 22 ;) a gift as simple as choosing your own Kinktober fic as we can celebrate in December.*

Authors note 2~ I kinda don’t like this and I’ve never wrote for gn r before so I’m sorry for my mistakes

Trigger warnings~ praise kink overstimulation kink dom Emily sub r gn (afab) r body confidence issues body worship oral sex sex toys

Prompt~ see ask^^^

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

Perfect is always such a strange concept for you. Really what is perfect? Just like the concept of normal. What would qualify? These questions were constantly swirling around your mind, but you were sure you didn't fit the answer for any of them. It's always so hard to see the models and celebrities, hell even the strangers on the street because to you, you didn't even come anywhere near close to them. And perhaps you never would. A fact you'd gotten use to, not really sure where you fit or in what box which had lead to deep rooted insecurities that would bubble away inside your heart and mind.

Emily, healed the pain in your heart. Especially on the bad days. She never pushed or got mad if you couldn't decide what felt you. Right even. Instead she'd sit with you and be your listening ear, guiding you through the waters of emotions that seemed to submerge you that day. Being Emily's partner was truly something you would've only thought could exist in dreams.

On the good and the bad days she was there, never asking for anything more than you were offering, and that helped for a while, but soon the fears of her getting bored by the lack of sex crept upon you. That's when you decided to work on feeling better, to be brave and attempt to make love to your girlfriend of almost a year. She was patient with you, only ever wanting your happiness even if that meant you never felt comfortable enough for her to touch you, it didn't matter, because she loves you for your heart and not just your body.

Today, Emily noted you were feeling a little more on the feminine sides of things, you would smile if she accidentally called you princess or her sweet girl, rather than recoil from those pet names and timidly inform her that today that just felt so wrong. And of course she respected your feelings and mostly stuck to gender neutral terms of endearments like "love, darling, sweetheart and baby." But today was the day, you wanted to finally let Emily have you, and for you to have her. To be finally one.

It all started with some drinks with the BAU to gain some courage before you started to get a little handy with the Agent. "My darling? Are you okay?" She whispered causing you to whimper and inform her you wished to hide in her neck. A small chuckle came from the woman as she resumed her conversation with Garcia and JJ. Soon enough you got bolder, simple kisses placed to her pulse point on her neck. The pure feeling and shock of the sensation had the dark haired woman choking on her drink. "My love" she murmured causing you to peak out from your hiding spot. "Mmm" you murmured, pupils dilating indicating to the profiler just what you wanted. "Are you alright?" Garcia was quick to ask you both. "We are okay arent we love? I just think they need to get some rest now, isn't that right baby?"

Following along with Emily's plan you bid your goodbyes, pleased at how everyone respected your pronouns of they/them, despite the slightly more feminine attire. "Emily" you whimpered on the drive back to your flat, you couldn't quite understand how you'd manage to survive so long without her touch. "Shush baby, almost back so you can change out of the clothes okay?" Change? No, she misread your signs, a slightly frustrated sigh left you. "I want to be yours properly not change" you whined quietly a beautiful blush covering your cheeks now.  Oh, the agent hadn't even considered that's what you were after, after all it wasn't uncommon for you to bestow kisses like you had in order to leave situations and keep up the pretence that you'd very much made love. "Okay my love, if your sure you want that. I want you to feel good sweetheart okay?"

That was how you found yourself, back up against the wall, as her lips roamed the smooth skin of your neck, biting sucking and kissing along their travels, Emily's hands trailing over your body as she murmured compliments for you. The woman had you feeling so good you couldn't wait for her to touch your bare skin. In fact you weren't below begging for it despite how much you didn't like your body, seeing Emily enjoying herself made you want, no need more. "Please Em, want you to feel good" you whimpered as she harshly sucked a nice sized hickey on your pulse point. "Oh darling, I feel fucking fantastic, let me please you? Please? I just wanna watch you so blissed out by my own hands. My perfect lover."

That was how you found yourself stripped bare on the bed, the self conscious feelings eating away at you now. But she chased them away. Hands and lips mapping your body as she spewed praise at every opportunity she could. "Please" you whined, now too far gone to care, just needing her. "Okay baby, just say the word purple and we stop okay?" She murmured and you nodded instantly. "I need words sweetheart" she chuckled still caressing your body. "Yes I will just for the love of god Em."

Emily's mouth was like no other, you weren't a virgin by any means, and you had your fair share of toys, after all you were human. But this with her was heavenly. Your own insecurities way to far gone to prevent you cumming on her tongue embarrassingly quick. "So good, you taste so good my pretty princess, so so sweet for me. My good baby" she praised licking her lips as you allowed your breathing to regulate, the brain function to be self conscious had been fucked away well and truly. "More?" You whimpered causing Emily's eyes to sparkle with delight. "Of course my lover. Anything for you my love, so Damn perfect; doing exactly as your told aren't you love?"

From here Emily introduced you to her toys, some were vibrators for your clit other dildos including a wireless controlled one, and did she enjoy telling you just how she planned to use it in you. Buy your favourite had to be her cum filled strap. Not something you were ready for, but the idea of soon was fuelling your intense arousal. Emily had you cum again for her by using her little clit vibrating toy, until you were screaming her name and your juices gushing from your core.

In the foggy haze you realised she hadn't cum, you hadn't touched her, yet she informed you that tonight's just for you. Her special love, and you can always touch her at a later date, right now she wants you to feel loved, wanted and so special. That's exactly how you felt falling asleep on her chest minutes after she finished cleaning you up and giving you some water. For once your insecurities were silent.

Word count~ 1314

Tag list

[joonkorre]

finished s3e7. absolute banger of an episode, said even more "wtf"s than last time but the tension throughout and how it tied everything up gave me the same high as s2 did. so spoilers (the way i just put everything out there for the previous episode reviews???? fandom etiquette where omg im so sorry to the 3 people who may be seeing this)

idek where they were going w chiyoh. like ok yall give me 2 east asian ladies, 1 died to propel will's drive for vengeance and 1 has some mysterious motivation that explains nothing that she does. the only thing she got going on is her steadfast sense of morality, which kept her from being manipulated by will (who's trying to convince himself that anyone can be primed by hannibal and is using the same tricks on her, poor thing) and let her focus on her goals, whatever tf they are. like good for her but.... what does she actually want???? whatever at least she looks cool.

the painting behind mason is so… ugh just in case the audience keke too much over his jokes and forget the type of mf he is lmao. and the surrogate convo between the verger siblings is so so fucking chilling dude I knew I KNEW right away what margot’s gonna find and it sent chills up my spine dude

I like how hannibal is unfazed by literally everything and discusses his being cooked and eaten with gusto and dare I say it, excitement. and I like how after a season of chasing after hannibal, that final betrayal of nearly getting his head cut open just made will so done w everything. did a complete 180. “you’re gonna eat him... w my face” and how he looks at hannibal and cordell as they talk….. get him out !!!!!

also: cordell. love his character. the perfect goon.

mason and his shitty fucking jokes. and just in case anybody wants to deny the homoerotic undertone of hannigram, let’s throw in that guy who ate his friend’s dick. lovely dinner topics.

loveeeeee that will bit out a chunk of cordell’s face and just how proud hannibal is in that moment. will just wants to get his lick back one last time, while hannibal’s still stuck in delulu land w/ them getting tortured + dying together, and takes will’s action as him being hannibal’s equal. he thinks they’re still friends/together and it’s soooooo funny

the branding scene + hannibal being tied up like a pig???? big day for subby painslut piggy hannibal truthers. I’m cheering for yall from the sidelines <3

the marlana + hannibal convo and him being broken free….. cinema. CINEMAAAA

the pig. good god the pig. knowing it’s coming didn’t prepare me for actually seeing it at all. and the fact that mason STILL mocked and denied margot of this one thing in this manner. god. the intercutting scenes of marlana getting the baby out + face off surgery are just chef’s kiss. so well edited that I genuinely believed will was done for like omg I woulda passed out if it’s not for mason’s face reveal. LOVE all the blood

white knight hannibal bridal carrying damsel in distress will???? don’t mind if I do 😋😋😋

marlana killing mason scene!!! margot w/ that fit, that hair, that shaky devastated enraged voice, and the tear-streaked mascara running down her face gives just the perfect level of drama. perfect killing-your-abusive-brother look. and the way they had time for hannibal to prostate milk mason ????? alana holding up a tube of sperm while the show censors the shit out of everything is so ?????? and yes YES CHEKOV’S EEL. after all the bj jokes of course he’d have to die that way. OF COURSE. although idk how they’re gonna have that baby but ig we’ll find out...

hannibal + chiyoh behind that window like they’re in a periodic table…. and hannibal moving toward that area between iron and silver…. CINEMAAAAAA

I see the teacup breaking as hannigram’s relationship + will’s becoming, esp since it’s superimposed over will’s head. bc it’s in his head, he’s making the logical leap to end hannibal’s hold over him, end whatever mania he was caught up in while trying to bait/chase hannibal. it’s done. read on reddit that hannibal’s notes full of physics equations may represent hannibal trying to calculate how the cup can feasibly come back together again or how he can turn back time to repair their relationship (both might as well mean the same thing). it can also represent the end of hannibal’s whimsy. they’re done touring the world and visiting museums and playing mindgames according to hannibal’s puppeteering. now they’re back in the wolf trap, back in the real world, where broken cups don’t mend themselves, where will decides that he wants nothing to do w hannibal and his whimsy anymore. they’re done.

I love how the season could’ve ended here as will guts hannibal the same way hannibal gutted will in s2: with surgical precision. he knows hannibal cares not for his life or death, and causing bodily harm upon him will only delight him more. so will goes for the heart. he knows himself well enough now to assert that he may tolerate killing, but he doesn’t have hannibal’s appetite. he won’t be hannibal’s pet nor friend. by exiling and forgetting him, will puts himself above hannibal as a god, and hannibal is helpless in his worship. he can do nothing but retreat as his offerings are rejected. and by god I’ve never seen him so completely hurt and devastated before. absolutely nothing has ever illicit such a reaction from him until will. jfc I HATE GAY PEOPLE WHY CANT YALL JUST BREAK UP NORMALLY

that was a good godfather II reference tho like omg

where the FAWK are will’s dogs. where’s my bby winston ????

love that jack’s back w the fbi !!!! will coming out and saying hannibal’s gone only for the little shit to emerge from the back like haiiiiiiii :3 girl UGH ik will was sick to his stomach likeeee

I cannot stop thinking about how it’s dark out at god knows what time. how hannibal sat behind will’s house in the snow like a stray dog recently abandoned by its newest benefactor and it can’t bring itself to leave, it won’t ever leave (girl don’t even get me started on that…. it will come back by hozier already got me in a chokehold). waiting for jack to arrive and turning himself in, denying jack the pleasure of actually subduing and capturing him. freeing chiyoh from her prison ig. AND getting his lick back at will. “I want you to know exactly where I am. and where you can always find me.” + the pettiest bitchiest look ever. it’s a pathetic, lowly declaration of bullheaded love born from spite, making sure will can never truly forget him and has to live w the knowledge of his location/fate in the back of his head. knowing full well will can’t help himself and are prolly gonna go find hannibal. once again I HATE GAY PEOPLE

jack looking at will w that smile/grimace on his face. I take it as him knowing that this is just another lovers’ tiff btwn hannigram and he’s basically an accessory to that lmao

100/10. once again a banger of an episode.

[homeless202]

I’m new here and I absolutely love your type of blogs with analysis and meta and long texts~~

I was wondering—is Eunyung and Haejoon’s relationship the kind that could be interpreted as romantic?

first of all, welcome and ty! and sorry it took me so long to reply, i hope u're still around anon. now to answer ur question

i'll take this opportunity to share all my thoughts on the topic bc i have Many.

TLDR: it is possible to read it as romantic if you really want to, but it's not meant to (at least not as of right now in the story aka ch.224)

deep dive under the cut as to why

-> can Eunyung and Haejoon’s relationship be interpreted as romantic?

i like how you phrased that bc, the thing is, interpretation is very subjective. you're welcome and allowed to interpret things however you want, but in EY&HJ's case, i feel like you'd have to work a lil extra hard to get to that point.

-> is Eunyung and Haejoon’s relationship meant to be interpreted as romantic?

this one's easy bc no. objectively Not. the genre of No Home is drama and slice of life (and once upon a time, horror). even if they were to ever end up in a romantic relationship, that's not what the story is about.

when i ask myself what the author's intention is with this story, i'd say it's to (realistically) portray how a young person with trauma would navigate another young person's trauma. and showing how easy it is to unintentionally fuck it up for various reasons: lacking context as to what exactly said trauma is, generally not knowing how to navigate it, their own trauma getting in the way, lacking the necessary resources. take your pick.

think of it like "how should i carry someone else's baggage when i have my own to deal with?" while also keeping in mind they're kids; they often don't have enough experience to know how to help, and even when they know what the right thing to do is, they're not old enough to take (legal) action.

and especially, the most heart-breaking yet realistic thing, when you're just getting to know someone, you can't know everything about them. it's so easy to accidentally do or say sth that cuts or offends when it wasn't meant to. but when they've got their own issues, it's hard not to take it personally (eg. EY talking about HJ's parents without knowing his mom died not long ago in the beginning of the story).

-> what even is Eunyung and Haejoon’s relationship??

this one's so funny bc i have no idea how to answer and i'm convinced not even EY and HJ themselves would know how to answer. they're not really friends; they got off on the wrong foot and kept walking with two left feet way too much to call themselves friends. the things that pushed them together the most were the dorms (not anymore) and the same friend group (more or less since EY has multiple).

what fits them best i'd say is "the universe forced us together against our will and now we're stuck with one another altho we hate each other" (<- at least in the beginning) extended with the "misery loves company" sentiment. finding comfort in someone who gets it, even tho they only kinda get it but not really but it works out anyway except it doesn't <- THERE'S NO NAME FOR THAT *cry* they invented a new type of character dynamic smh (i've never read a pairing with so much (romantic) potential only to see them completely fuck up their chance so royally by the end of their interaction EVERY SINGLE TIME. like yeah, enemies to lovers whatever BUT NOT TO THAT LEVEL HOLY SHIT)

they've changed each other, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. they're compatible in the way they understand each other on a deeper level and incompatible in the way they don't.

...however...

this is how HJ thinks of EY: (and also what No Home is truly abt)

and this is how EY feels about HJ after EY found out HJ used to steal as well (aka that HJ isn't perfect like the stuck up bitch EY thought he was at first):

so...

<- -> EY's first impression of HJ was that he was looking down on him and sth like "does this guy have ulterior motives? or is he just that naive being so trusting?" until EY found out HJ wasn't that different from him. after that, EY started admiring HJ for still managing to achieve things in life despite the hardships he had to go through. the type of admiration that can easily (and sometimes does) slip into envy.

-

since the beginning, EY has helped HJ (or at least tried to) without him knowing. sometimes it worked out, sometimes not. most times EY tried doing sth nice for HJ was (from EY's perspective) in return to HJ trying to help him or doing nice things for him (which, again, sometimes worked out, sometimes not). EY was just paying back a debt to "this stubborn naive guy who keeps getting into trouble and butting into his business. gotta look out for this idiot or he might get scammed." (<- eg. when EY offered to get HJ's money back from his uncle)

he doesn't do it for credit or friendship or out of obligation, he's just doing what he thinks is the right thing bc he doesn't want to owe anyone anything. he can't accept people just genuinely being kind, genuinely caring and genuinely wanting to help. but he's been learning and slowly coming to terms with it.

-

<- -> HJ first wanted to try befriending EY despite not liking him bc, well, the guy did steal his wallet and stab him in their first interaction. after trying and failing at it multiple times, thanksgiving happened, and HJ started thinking of EY as his underclassman bc he realized EY's just a kid with issues and he should keep an eye on him (discretely bc EY hates pity).

-

with time HJ has come to understand EY better by going after him whenever he ran off and slowly realized that EY does mean well and has his reasons (as fucked up as they might be sometimes). but his mentality abt EY is still "i gotta push him in the right direction cuz he's my underclassman and i unintentionally got attached to him (somehow??)" (also bc he knows EY already gave up on himself so he needs a lil help to find his way again. also also bc he knows EY is lowkey suicidal and he's scared it'll be his fault if sth happens) <- his care for EY comes from a protective/nurturing (/possibly maybe guilty) place which started when he realized EY was just a kid^^. in other words, HJ still bothers with EY out of a subconscious sense of responsibility/obligation in a way (a good way tho. or at least a way that gets better)

see, sth i struggle with is if HJ thinks he has to or wants to or thinks he should or can't just not help/care for EY. i can't exactly pinpoint where the sentiment is coming from. his face is too blank for me to read sometimes T_T

-

to summarize: HJ is EY's goal, what EY wishes he could've been. and EY is HJ's 'responsibility' so to speak (bc 'burden' doesn't quite fit since HJ is there for EY willingly) -> EY has a positive opinion of HJ while HJ has a neutral opinion of EY (which is also gradually getting better)

note1: i think HJ's intention (maybe subconsciously) was to be to EY what HJ's upperclassman was to him. aka someone who's there when you need it and can help guide you. it would explain why HJ kept chasing after EY despite not really having a reason to and EY repeatedly rejecting HJ's care/help.

note2: i also believe the 'upper-under-classman' relationship dynamic fits them the best atm bc it also matches the way the story often singles EY out as he's the only second year (aka younger) of the 6 MCs.

-> Romance in No Home?

another thing i should mention is that No Home rarely leaves things open for interpretation. the deepest arguments EY&HJ had were always spelled out for us, to make us understand exactly what the problem was, and how there isn't a good guy and a bad guy. it's just two people with issuesTM.

from what we've seen in the story up to this point, i couldn't pick out a moment where i'd go "here! that's romantic! that's the moment they realized SomeThing!" yk

when it comes to romance specifically, i feel like a handful of opportunities were missed. there are scenes which could've easily been written trough a rosy lens but simply weren't.

exhibit A:

HJ was speechless bc "wow this mf really is actively picking a fight with an authority figure. i gotta make sure things don't escalate" not bc "hoLY sHiT hE's PreTTy. all his fangirls are on to something". however, this only becomes more clear when you keep reading the next few chapters, so i understand how you could interpret it as the latter.

exhibit B:

here they got so close and the moment was so deep bc "woaa he said he believes me. no one's said to me that before!". unfortunately, EY was panicking too much for it to mean something bc of the guilt he felt for HJ trusting someone so undeserving of trust like EY.

exhibit C:

this is maybe the closest we got to romantic between these two. i think this might be the only (or at least first) ever deep interaction between them that didn't end in a fight or misunderstanding. is it meant to be romantic tho? -> ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-> what do i think?

first, full transparency: i went into reading this story fully expecting it to be a BL and for EY&HJ to end up together. but the more i kept on reading, the more i got the ick thinking about them being in a (romantic) relationship bc, at least from what we've seen so far in the story, their relationship would be so ToxicTM (which i personally don't enjoy reading).

as they are right now, i wouldn't want them to be together like that. like, honestly, you still can't really consider these two even friends; they just tolerate each other if the stars align correctly (altho, i'll admit, their relationship is gradually getting better!!). every big argument they had i thought "god, there's no coming back from that. i'd cut ties so quickly if was them wtf". i still don't know how they managed to keep on interacting, props to them ig.

there's a lot of unresolved issues between them. and a lot of resentment which would not bode well in a romantic relationship. the smallest argument would turn explosive and they'd be, at best, in an on&off type of relationship. they both have the power to break the other and neither would be afraid to use it. they have a lot of history together, which is not always pleasant, so if they ever were to go the romantic route, it would have to be a long way to go.

technically, i could see them in a romantic relationship if they both went to therapy first and talked out all the baggage they're carrying (both individual and shared). realistically tho, what i think will happen at the end of No Home is that either they never cross paths again after high school ends (which would absolutely break my heart Wanan pls don't), or they somehow (unintentionally) end up living together bc they both desperately needed a roommate to pay rent (which would be a hilarious fucking gag LMAO). just, HJ going to uni/work and EY doing his own thing (prolly an actor) while still cohabiting together; hanging out to watch a movie before bed <- (whether platonic or romantic being left up for interpretation)

<- -> in conclusion, from what we've seen up to this point, their relationship is mainly upper-under-classman; reluctant (maybe) friends who tolerate each other but also care (too) deeply. they've changed each other, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. in some ways they're compatible and in others they're not.

all this being said, their relationship is improving and romance between EY&HJ is not impossible, just rather unlikely imo. but, again, interpretation is subjective and u're welcome to read their relationship however you want.

[evansbby]

OK so here is my dilemma

Basically everyone here knows that I’m really sad that I don’t have a boyfriend and have honestly never had a real true serious boyfriend.

And I always discuss this with my friends because I’m trying to figure out WHY like is there something wrong with me??? Am I seriously unattractive to men??

So I asked my friend and she obviously was like “no you’re hot” but she’s my friend so ofc she will say that. But then she asked two men she’s friends with, whilst I wasn’t there, and they said (about me) “No she’s hot but we’d be scared to ask her out because we know she’d say no.”

Which like… yeah OK I would say no to them because they’re lowkey not good looking BUTTTT WHAT THE FUCK??? And another one of my friends also told me this, she said men are not asking me out because hot girls are too unapproachable and men can’t stand being rejected and embarrassed in this day and age.

And another one of my friends HAS told me to be more open-minded and lower my standards but I just can’t you guys. Because unlike my friends, I grew up literally so IMMERSED in the world of fanfictions and the perfect man that I’m still just waiting for that to happen in real life 🥺

Anyways back to me being unapproachable. Maybe this is true because I remember once a guy told me verbatim: “you look like a total bitch and that’s hot” AND even that at the time lowkey hurt my feelings bc wdym BITCH?!? I am not a bitch!

But lately I’ve been thinking… I can’t help the character I am outwardly. Because I used to be so shy back in school and because of that people used to be so condescending to me. Fast forward now and I find that I’m super confident ON THE OUTSIDE bc we all know confidence is lowkey just an act. But anyways I’m acting confident to the point where people are intimidated by me 😭 not everyone, but a few people I can just tell they are.

Like once I remember back when I was a waitress, one of my coworkers was sat where I usually sit during lunch (but anyone can sit there) and she saw me coming and literally GASPED and apologised and moved 😭😭 LIKE??? Ofc I told her girl pls sit back down it’s not my seat!! But wtf!!! IS THIS HOW PEOPLE SEE ME!

Similarly recently in my current job, one of the girls was sitting where I usually sit and when she saw me coming she also apologised and moved 😭😭 despite the fact that anyone is allowed to sit anywhere 😂😭

ANYWAYS my point is… DO MEN THINK I AM STUCK UP?? I assure you I’m not but idk how to make THEM understand that???

And OK this is weird but my friend said to me “I’m not as pretty as you but guys go for me because I let them know I’m interested” and ok first of all she did not have to put herself down like that!!! I hate when people put themselves down but also… I AM SO SCARED OF REJECTION THAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO LET THEM KNOW I AM INTERESTED!

I feel like I’m rambling at this point but my point is… have I just built up this whole confidence around myself and now it’s come back to bite me in the ass because no man even tries to approach me now???

And before anyone accuses me of being vain, I am now trying out this thing where I don’t say anything self deprecating about my looks because it doesn’t do anyone any good to say those things. Also I work very hard on my appearance, I put in a lot of effort every day. And I’ve gone through my whole life thinking I wasn’t pretty, wanting to be white back in school because that was the beauty standard and the boys only seemed to find the white girls pretty. So yes now I will say that yes I do think I’m pretty because honestly realistically… yes I am.

BUT THE POINT IS THAT have I built up my confidence so much that now men are too intimidated or scared to ask me out??? If so what do I do??! I don’t want to change myself but how do I make myself more approachable??? I’ve already asked my friends but I need to ask more people. I wish I had guy friends to ask but I do not LMFAO. SO TELL ME WHAT IS THE SOLUTION

[j2zara]

Things I’ve been thinking abt bc it’s late and ive been exhausted to talk but have been a little too shy to bring to chat but honestly might later:

Reincarnation au specifically where they’re teachers at Aguefort. just bc I think it would be funny that. Like to me in text Ellie fell first but j3 fell harder so I just think it would be funny if at first Ellie kinda thought j3 was obnoxious and didn’t rly like him but also couldn’t deny he was kinda hot and that she’s into him. Meanwhile j3 is immediately into her so he’s being kinda flirty but also clearly also admires her on a professional level too

Reincarnation au pt 2 bc in this universe Ellie is the one that is jacecoded and j3 is Portercoded in that j3 is immediately kind of Taken with Ellie meanwhile she’s being kinda avoidant and coy bc she’s like? This guy is my colleague and he’s trying to chat me up?? the nerve?? (She’s definitely kinda flattered) but also j3 is kinda torn bc he can and would normally want to float something casual bc that’s usually what he’s into but also he does really kinda like her…

Like in Ellie’s mind he’s just trying to get into her pants meanwhile he’s like. I’m trying to be cool but I want to be with her

They eventually do hook up after a lot of pent up sexual tension (esp bc ellie is annoyed by how Into Him she really is) and it is very barbarian teacher x sorcery teacher being an obvious thing even tho they’re trying to not tip anyone off but the staff is like chuckles we’re in danger… and Ellie in her mind is like this is casual! It is better to not get too attached bc I am a weirdo freak trying to con Aguefort into giving up all the research on reincarnation and on the hunt for some long lost Thing I can’t even really articulate. Meanwhile j3 in his head is like. We’re dating :)

It’s a little torment nexus 7 Jaces thesis coded bc Ellie is looking past j3 a little bc she’s like. Obsessed w this vague idealistic concept of the past and this person that she lost that is Right Here. There’s like. Grief that j3 feels from her which is so strange bc he’s right here! but also I do think they escape the torment nexus they can transcend jaceporter bc when Ellie realizes this has been j3 the whole time it’s like!!!! You’ve always been enough you will always be enough there is no glorious past and to love someone is to watch a million births of the person they’re becoming

I also think there’s a version of reincarnation au where Ellie is an adventurer and she’s genuinely out in the world trying to find j2 and j3 could be very fun. But like. While she’s on an adventure the party needs a sorcerer for hire and it’s j33333333 but she doesn’t recognize him immediately like she thought she would! But they get to know each other on this like quest and fall for each other a second time and she even saves him a couple times and he’s like. Kinda heart eyes about her over it. And sure he does fuck around with her party a bit and hurt her feelings. But also. What if they cuddled for warmth :3

Ok. Away from reincarnation au. Listen we’ve talked abt creeper j2 and even creeper Jace but I think we need to get into Creeper Ellie or something. Something something where she watches j3porter get it on but it could be they know abt it or they don’t idk

I won’t lie a part of this is bc. There’s that line in stay / leave abt her jerking it in the bathroom to thoughts abt j3 later and I am still thinking abt that bc I do think she’s done it before more than once tbh I am compelled by Ellie kinda having a crush on j3 before they’re ever really a Thing

Obviously I’m still stuck on LJ3porter toxic solesian play coded threesome in LSOP. Where j4 is like I want to take you Porter but can’t you let j3 stretch me out so that it’s perfect and I’m ready to take you < 3. Excuse to machinate getting topped by j3 in LSOP

LJ3 Vegas wedding (or Vegas-proxy wedding). There’s so many variations on this that could be fun, one version I think is sweet is the Monica x Chandler version where they’re together and they love each other and haven’t been thinking that much abt getting married but are desperately looking for a Sign they should just Go For It but also are so scared.

The other version of this is that they’re. Like. Not together like they’re in their FWB era or something but they get drunk and wanna do something. Stupid. But also. Was this just an excuse for them to go for something they wanted to do and were scared to look at sober? Maybe

[rose-garden-sonas]

Hi, I promised myself about writing out my thoughts on the Dark Knight quest bc I got a few peeps that are curious about it, as I was thinking about it since I finished up the first half of it lol (also take this gpose bc I wanted to take a cool pic of Ériu as a DRK)

Anyways, Minor spoilers on the FFXIV DRK job quest bc I’m not over it lol

Also this not entirely an analysis, just me expressing my thoughts about how it connects to me and my character in the matter as it’s been stuck to my head since I finished the first half few days ago (I’m still pretty emotional).

Im still thinking about how much the DRK job quest up to lv 50 went out for me, a certain moot got me to pick up the job as they felt it was something to look into, and boy, it was a journey...like a really good journey to experience! And I’m really glad to try it out because it felt like the perfect theme that would fit perfectly for Ériu’s character growth, in some way.

Like I definitely see how much it’s not just me that resonated with the story, the whole thing is phenomenal writing that actually connects with many players before me (thank you, Natsuko Ishikawa!), like the way they handled the portrayal of Fray, your “mentor” throughout the job quest (up to a certain point), the story itself is a lot more compelling than what I have experienced with other classes (not that I mind it tbh, I don’t mind the lore dump but DRK seems to stand out so much from the rest so far). Much of it ties down to getting the WoL to realize how much they’re so willing to help other without considering themselves, how they take so many things for granted without expressing HOW they feel about such tedious tasks, self sacrificing, carrying burdens, the “inner darkness” building up since the WoL decided to pick up the souls stone, many other things that gets thrown at you, basically Fray telling you to get your shit together.

Like, I had to look back at the dialogue from Fray trying to have the WoL connect with their role, as well as the inner voice stuff from two different quest levels, and just feel like this really connects to my WoL, who has been trying to understand her role as the Warrior of Light, trying to understand her sister’s ideals, never had an issue with helping those in need bc she was always willing to be there, in spite of now realizing how over used she was before reaching Ishgard, where she was ALWAYS needed for almost everything as a last resort (something I didn’t notice until I finished A Realm Reborn), but Ériu doesn’t see that, it sort of fueled her hero/savior complex she had going on bc never questioned how she was needed to stop primals, deal with threats no matter how tedious, etc. She would at least see that even after the Banquet incident in Ul’dah, even from Ilberd reminding her how bad she had it from being used… Ériu is a mess.

So that is where Fray comes in to play, the whole time it felt like they were the conscience Ériu needed in her darkest moments, considering how much she was left in despair from losing so much people in her life (her sister especially, as well as most of the Scions who sacrificed themselves for her escape, you can sense the survivors guilt Ériu had), though I can imagine Ériu didn’t take it to heart at first because she couldn’t see it for some time since she was trained to Dark Knight-hood, trying to understand the voices in her head and all.

Going to skip head, as it’s clear this is a different approach for Ériu on her part, coming to terms, little by little, how these dark thoughts are affecting her throughout the questline, starts to see how much being a hero gets a bit unfair, through Fray. Especially from the scene where Ériu went out of the way to help the man within Lower La Noscea (I would have added this but left out for space) and even as Fray expressed how infuriating and ungrateful the man is to complain for the bloodied supply they savaged with their lives, Ériu does come to terms with that fact, sort of. She never actually see it that way before, so it took being with Fray to start to open her eyes, at least little by little.

Then comes the final quest, the last we see of Fray, this was the part that broke me, like legit brought me to tears, even by the end of it.

The reveal still stuck in my head since those day ago, as I'm writing this I can't get over how Fray was never an entity, but the inner darkness taken form, it was the epitome of Ériu's vicious soul, the other side of her...

Like it still blew me away how "Fray" was building up within the WoL to the point of wanting to take over them, like this definitely shocked Ériu for seeing...herself, take shape reflecting that of her physical self, her dark emotions starting back at her at this very moment, as they felt anger and despair... Ériu could deny it no longer this was what Fray was trying to show her. I cry at the end, as after defeating her dark soul, she still reached out to them, like to me this is just Ériu coming to accept these emotions, despite the hard times she endured as the Warrior of Light.

After the end of it all, I believe that from accepting her inner darkness, Ériu comes to terms that she was willing to see things in a different light, what truly meant to be a hero of her right, and not just a tool. How it’s okay to let go of these feelings, in spite of rough times, never let others take you for granted, something like that. Whether Ériu has anyway to utilize her inner darkness is another thing, as she is keeping her inner darkness at bay for now, but when push comes to shove, I would say she’s not against holding back, so long as she can control it…

I start to realize after this that this sort of parallels to her as a White Mage, if I can say they're like two side of a coin in Ériu's perspective, I think (if I can find the right words), but regardless, I just felt this class story wise felt like an important aspect to Ériu’s character.

I was tempted to place this story line of discovering her inner darkness as part of her lore, but I couldn’t resist my brainrot, like the idea of Ériu, a healer, just losing her shit at an enemy that pushed her too far, testing her limits as this righteous hero or something haha