#i think the funniest was when i walked home with a new girl in choir once

[soggypotatoes]

god.. i have this Energy that causes people to open up to me real quick - i'm talking strangers on the street, people i've just met, etc. sometimes they'll be out here confessing their deepest secrets and traumas with no prompting. i dont even do anything, they just do it!!

i dont mind at all tho. i actually like it; i can handle a lot. it's just funny sometimes. i thought it was way more normal than it is. i joked with a coworker about random strangers trauma dumping while i'm surveying them and she was like 'that... has never happened to me, in the 8 years i've been doing this job'

reader... it had happened twice just that day lmao

and today this girl who's extremely peppy in class, speaks up a lot and often says how much she likes everything and how she's happy a lot and gets excited for everything

we've had like 2 interactions and today when we're both early to class she's dropping her pretense (like her face went completely flat) and telling me she hasn't felt an emotion in years and her dad controls every aspect of her life

like... lol??? i'm gonna be a great therapist probably

[musedblues]

Always Something There To Remind Me [Part: 3]

summary: Home is where the heart is. You're working on finding yours. After a handful of misfortunes, your old friend Joe helps to unravel life's greatest mystery while adding a bit of extra grief to the mix.

warnings:  A few mentions of panic attacks, and getting sick a but also dare I say a bit of fluff?!

w/c: 6k

a/n: This has been one of my favorite chapters to write so far. Thank you for all the lovely feedback, lads!

taglist: @im-an-adult-ish​ @mrsmazzello​ @lettinggosthehardestpart​ @the-moving-finger-writes​ @imtheinvisiblequeen​

Part 4

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

On the walk across the street with your mother, carrying matching bottles of wine, you worried this Christmas Eve was going to be dramatically different than all others that came before it. That you were too far out of the loop to ever fit back in.

But you were at ease the second you passed through the Mazzellos front door. Joe and his mother were the only people bustling around the kitchen, so early in the evening. You'd expected tonight's reunion with your old friend to be even more sensational than the last, but it wasn't. Joe simply greeted you with a grin, taking the bottle of wine from your clutch and spinning around to find a cork right away. Your mothers began spouting gossip near the already set up table, while Joe poured the two of you a drink.

As you followed your old friend toward the living room, you couldn't help but notice how alarmingly normal this routine seemed. This felt much more like coming home than landing at the airport to your teary-eyed mother had, for some reason.

But lots had changed since the last time you'd spent celebrating with the Mazzellos. And you couldn't wait any longer to hear about the things Joe mentioned being apart of the last you saw him. Not long after you settled on the sofa to the tune of his exciting storytelling, you asked for faces to match the names of his new cast of friends he had yet to stop buzzing over. Joe wasted no time pulling up a group photo of himself mixed in with a pretty bunch of actors.

"Lucy is actually the funniest person I know, besides yours truly of course." Joe boasted about a girl who looked as if she was made of porcelain. You had no reason to doubt she was just as flawless in real life. Before you could ask more of her, Joe was already on a roll. "Ben is the love of my life. I mean, come on, look at the guy." Joe proceeded to ramble for a long time about the blonde, telling you how the man with emerald eyes was a loyal and passionate friend, someone Joe had come to trust and admire. "Rami, well, you know him, don't you?" Joe shrugged, glancing your way as he sipped some wine. Oh yeah, you did. The guy was in another production with Joe, back when he facetimed you weekly. Rami had ended up in the background of enough of those facetimes to give you a few meaningful greetings when you called to check-up. You wondered if the superstar remembered you at all. "And Gwilym is-" "Welsh?" You let out a breath of a laugh. Gwilym. There's a name you'd hadn't even known existed until a few summers ago when some old fella down the road kept getting his mail switched up with yours. Joe matched your unexpected chuckle with one of his own, almost like he wasn't sure if he should have acknowledged your remark. So you just shrugged and offered your friend a small grin "Small world."

Thankfully, Joe's muddled expression softened. As you began to wonder one thousand things, he went on...

"He is the best of us. Heart of gold." Joe's bragged as the pair of you focused on his phone screen. There the five of them were, all dressed up, strutting across a lavish purple carpet. Just when you both polished off your glasses of wine, the doorbell rang. Cousins and aunts and uncles started to show up with dessert trays and gift bags. Most of them remembered your name and hugged you like always. It was almost like no time had ever passed, like this Christmas Eve picked up where the last one you attended left off. The most exciting reunion came just before dinner time as Joe's siblings showed up.

John and Mary arrived together, with their spoused and gaggle of children, all of whom you'd never met. A couple of the more rambunctious kids raced up to their grandmother, while John stopped in his tracks when he noticed you.

Growing up, you went to all of his baseball games. You helped him with his homework and bought him birthday presents. He might as well have been your own little brother. But since you'd graduated, Joe's updates about his kid brother stopped coming when his own did, too.

"Oh my God!" John practically tackled you in a hug that everyone around you chuckled over. "I didn't, why did- when did you come back?" John laughed, clearly surprised by your random appearance at Christmas Eve dinner for the first time in forever.

"Is this really happening?" Mary moved toward you. She was pretty as ever, dark hair and bright eyes. You always looked up to her, and she always looked out for you. She rescued you from bad first dates, taught you how to drive and told you highschool secrets, like your own older sister. Now, she shoved John away and hugged you even tighter. You wondered how you'd gone all this time without seeking Mary's counsel and support.

Both of their spouses watched on in confused glee, happy that everyone else was so happy. John's wife was the first to bite.

"Hi! I'm Eva." The pretty brunette smiled at you but cocked her head, clearly lost to why her husband was so excited to see you. Then she said, "How long have you and Joe been...?" Eva pointed to where your best friend stood in the archway of the kitchen, and your mother let out a chortle in passing.

"Ah yes..." You turned to Joe with a sly smile. Maybe you'd been sipping too much pre-dinner wine.  "I'll never forget the day he untied me from those train tracks!" You reached out to latch onto Joe in a comical way, and even though he winced for show, he held onto you like he might have actually wanted too.

"Who's the actor here, y/n?" Mrs. Mazzello joked, batting your arm with a laugh.

"Joe has just been using me for my many talents all these years. I taught him everything he knows." You shrugged with one arm still looped around your friend's neck.

"Those were the days." Joe reminisced with a snicker, keeping his relaxed hold around you.

John was quick to disperse your make-believe bubble to explain to his wife exactly who you were.

"This is y/n. The girl in all our pictures in the hallway." John gestured toward the corner where dozen of snapshots hung of their family at parties and graduations. A handful of which you and your mother happened to sneak into the background of over the years. "She's practically a Mazzello."

"Oh my God." Eva's face fell, and she turned to you with a serious gaze. "I'm so sorry, I've heard so much about you but never- oh, come here." And she pulled you into a hug all the same. John and Mary gathered their excited offspring and made them each introduce themselves to you, well besides the tiniest babies who couldn't. You barely had time to gush over the families before dinner was served.

Everyone devoured plates full of well-cooked food, laughing over things you somehow still understood. Christmas hadn't felt so warm in years. You and Joe moved through even more wine, sharing glances like a secret code when his weird uncle started rambling about politics. When dinner was over, everyone was still happy to linger around together.

When everyone gathered in the living room, you excused yourself to the bathroom. On your trip back down the hallway, a tiny giggle stopped you from rejoining the party just yet. Mary's littlest babe was clinging to the open doorway of Mr. Mazzello's office, a space with oak bookshelves and a writing desk to match. Joe's father could be found there, working until it was time for dinner.

The baby was babbling, pointing into the dark office. He stumbled into the shadows and turned his head before he shifted and looked at you. The baby screwed his brows together and started to ask a question using the only syllables he knew to use.

And somehow, you realized he was looking for Joe's dad. The little boy spun in the doorway again before he wobbled right toward you. Simultaneously, Mary floated down the hall with a baby bag over her shoulder. She must have been looking for the kid. He was reaching up and pulling on your sweater, now.

"I think he wants to go in there." You spoke softly, watching Mary's baby point back toward the dark office. When you looked back up toward Mary her eyes were glossy. She shared a silent glance with you before she bent down to her boy's level. He kept babbling and waving back toward the office.

"He's not there, sweetheart," Mary whispered, smoothing back her baby's hair and breaking your heart. She lifted the kid to her hip and cocked her head, a signal for you to follow.

The office was warm and smelt like cinnamon, not because of Christmas time, but because it always did. Mary flicked the Tiffany lamp on and the room filled with spots of amber light. There were papers scattered on the desk and a chair filled some costumes in the corner like someone was meant to come in and do work at any moment.

"Dad used to let the kids sit in here while he worked." Mary sniffled, while the baby in her arms reached out to touch the book shelve before him. It was filled with awards and photos and crafts.

"I was always afraid to come in and interrupt business." You breathed a laugh, floating closer to monitor the shelve. Right between a photo of Joe and his father at the grand canyon, and a handpainted candle vase, something caught your eye.

There was a Polaroid. You had a camera for a month before one of your friends stole it. With it, someone had taken a photo of you with Joe's dad at play practice. Joe was away that summer, filming and you needed something to do. Your highschool was putting on a production of Grease, the ancient choir director conveniently passed away a week before your first rehearsal, so Joe's dad stepped in to help, last minute. Somehow you ended up as a Pink Lady, without a name or any lines. Joe's dad let you keep that jacket. You gave the Polaroid to Mr. Mazzello as thanks, during the wrap party. Despite having no lines, you were a shite actor, but Joe's dad took it easy on you. That was just one example of the way he'd always sort of looked out for you, you realized.

Mary noticed the photo your gaze was fixated on and said: "You're family, y/n. And I'm glad you're back home."

You couldn't tell if she knew what you'd been through but above all things, you knew Mary was wise enough to read you like she always had. Her baby had retracted away from curiosity and curled into his mother's arm. She noted that it was probably bedtime for all the kids and started to leave her father's old office. You were left alone to turn the light off. Leaving that room on your own terms was the first goodbye you'd said in months that brought you any kind of peace.

///

Your mother left home in a sequined shaw with a camera around her neck. At midnight, a new year would begin, but someone was getting married before then. She invited you along to help take photos, But just days before, you'd made plans of your own. With Joe. He said there were some people from town throwing a party and he'd been invited long ago. Joe asked you to join him, saying something about how he probably would only go if you came along. Something about that made you agree.

So you slipped into some old dress you'd bought in Wales and made a mental note to go on a shopping spree, soon. Joe showed up at your door, dressed for the occasion too. Tonight felt like more of a step outside of your comfort zone, than a simple New Year's Eve party. But even so, falling back into your old spot at Joe's side was natural, and you didn't have time to dwell on the inner workings of things while he sang along to some old Britney Spears album the entire car ride, begging you to join in. By the time you arrived at the party, you almost forgot that Joe's version of carpool karaoke wasn't the main event of the evening.

He kept one hand steady on your shoulder as you walked from the parking lot and into some modernly styled club. Inside, clear bulbs were strung from one sleek pilar to another. One too many bodies occupied the dance floor while those left behind took up nearly every table and booth insight. Joe directed you toward the bar top where two miraculously free seats called your names.

Just then, someone recognized your friend. A tall man in a dark suit called Joe's name as you eased onto the bar stool. You didn't recognize the guy, and the bartender was asking what you wanted. So you ordered two of the same bourbons and turned back to see Joe rolling his eyes while the stranger was walking away.

"I can never remember his name," Joe admitted, leaning toward you. You chuckled and started to respond when another voice cut through the crowd.

"Joey!" The high pitched squeak hurt your head, and when you turned to see who it belonged to, nothing made sense. Lacy Duval was prancing toward the both of you in a tight sparkly dress. The only thing you knew about Lacy Duval, was that in high school, she was two grades below you, but somehow always ended up mingling with everyone in your class. So it wasn't surprising to see she'd recognized one of you, but it was a bit unsettling to see how excitedly Lacy dashed your way. And it was furthermore of a shock to you to find Joe waving to her with a wide smile, like they'd really known each other.

"I'm so glad you could make it, I've been looking around for you all night!" The girl with silvery blonde hair and a matching bright smile gushed. The bartender slid your drink near your elbow and you grinned his way as thanks.

"Well, it is only 9:30." Joe laughed. Then he reached over and rested a hand on your knee. "You remember y/n right?"

"Of course I do." Lacy turned her smile toward you.

"Hi, Lacy." You smiled back, raising your bourbon for a sip. Another set of faces emerged from the party, and you vaguely recognized them. They knew your name and warmly greeted you. But their interest lied in Joe, of course. They talked him into coming with them to meet someone on the other side of the room.

"Don't worry, I'll save your spot!" Lacy giggled in a way that made you kind of want to leave and go back home. But you just sipped your bourbon and smiled at Joe when he turned to you with a sorry shrug. Lacy slinked past Joe as the strangers pulled him in their tow. Somehow while the only person you knew disappeared into the crowd, you managed to down your bourbon until it was gone. You asked for another.

Then, without prompt or consent, Lacy crossed her silky legs and began to tell you a story you never asked to hear. She explained how a couple of summers ago, Joe was in town filming his very own movie. You knew all about it. You were still in touch with him then. But according to Lacy, she was there. She twirled her hair around a finger while she told you how Joe and his cast would sometimes stop in the all-night diner she worked at back then, and how she would hang around with them when no other customers stopped in. According to Lacy, Joe personally invited her to the wrap party.

"We hung out a lot." Lacy propped her elbow on the bar and her head in her hand. "We didn't see much of each other until his dad got sick, or whatever. We did hang out more when he was home for that."

Your bourbon was gone again. So you asked for a shot of whiskey.

"About time he showed up tonight." Lacy smiled, her teeth sparkling like the glitter her dress was made of. "We've had plans."

"Well, Happy New Year." You smiled. Was she finally done talking?  Someone just as scantily clad and pretty spotted Lacy and hurried up to her for a hug. Your whiskey arrived as the girls scurried into the crowd arm in arm without so much as a goodbye your way. You watched Lacy work the room as she moved through it, keeping that giant smile turned up all the way even when no one was looking. Before you could look away, Joe appeared as if he was making his way back to the bar. Lacy had spotted him too, apparently, and moved like a cheetah to corner him on the dance floor.

So, you were alone now. You could be home alone, but you weren't so, you took your shot of whiskey to try and calm your nerves. This party was way out of your league. You didn't know anyone, not even the people who seemed to vaguely remember you. And the music was pretty obnoxious. But as soon as these thoughts plagued you, a familiar face came into view. Some boy you'd known from high school took Lacy's spot on the barstool at your side. He was your first student, the year you taught your peers to play the piano for some extra cash, freshman year. The guy seemed genuinely glad to see you now, and you had always wondered what happened to him after high school. After catching up for a while, asking a few questions you always wanted to ask him, the guy had one of his own.

"Aren't you married, or something? The last time I saw Joe, he said you were living with some guys in the UK."

Whoa, you were not ready for that one. You sort of hoped everyone had decided you fell off the face of the earth. That thought always eased your mind when it began to wonder what people might ask you, when you moved back home. You hadn't properly prepared an answer for times like these...

"Oh, nope not married." You managed to remain cool under pressure, as the guy nodded in understanding. But of course, he didn't really understand. And he didn't know your throat was going dry at the thought of Kris. You politely excused yourself and headed toward the restrooms.

It wasn't even eleven o'clock, yet but the place was packed with party animals and the only people your recognized were across the floor. Lacy was looping her arm around Joe as she motioned for him to meet someone you couldn't see. The rest of the crowd were blank faces.

Maybe it was the drinks you'd downed so quickly. Or the fact that you still felt like shite at the simple thought of what happened to Kris. You had stopped missing him sometime long before he died; when he skipped town on your last birthday and gave you a present a few months later like an afterthought. That's when you really stopped feeling much for Kris at all. But you never got to end things between the two of you on your own terms. That left a million unimportant arguments burning in the back of your mind. By now, you were just pissed that the situation still had such a massive effect on you. Tonight being no exception at all,

Thank God the restroom was empty. You hurried toward the yellow stalls and prayed no one heard you getting sick. The tile floor was sticky and it hurt your knees. Every moment of this night was more uncomfortable than the last... After some time, you stood to better yourself but felt still felt dizzy as you leaned against the sink counter. The party boomed on and your head pounded. Then the bathroom door creaked open.

"Y/n?" Lacy's shrill pitch echoed through the tiled walls. You felt nauseous again.

"Yeah?" You tried to sound normal, bringing the back of your hand to your lips.

"Did you just...?" She trailed off, and you could only muster a tiny nod before hurrying back to the stall to barf again. Lacy's heels clicked toward the door and it slammed shut. Who would want to watch some girl throw up alone on New Year's Eve? You took your sweet time drinking from the faucet and taking deep breaths in the mirror. You decided that the moment you stepped foot back in the party that you were going to have a good time. Or at least pretend a little harder too.

But after you pushed open the restroom door and started to walk into the crowd, a hand grabbed you and spun you back around. It belonged to Joe, and he was pulling you toward the exit.

"We're going home." Joe decided loudly over the annoyingly loud music.

"Oh no, why?" You pretended to dread. He only pulled you close and guided you through the front doors. A few strangers watched on as you left before midnight. The city streets were empty and quiet, and Joe's car looked warm form the outside.

"Lacy said you got sick?"

"Oh, yeah." You shrugged. Your goal wasn't to ruin the party. "We don't have to leave because of me." You felt sick again.

"First of all yes we do. It wouldn't be fun if you feel bad. Secondly, it was already no fun. They were only playing Katy Perry."  Joe seemed truly disturbed. You had to laugh. The ride back home was quiet.

Joe parked outside your front door and followed behind as you walked up your porch steps. You stalled with your hand on the doorknob and announced that you planned on starting the new year off with a bubble bath. But declaring the peaceful plan didn't make you feel any less horrid. Then Joe softly assured you that he'd be across the street if you need him.

"You aren't gonna go back to the party?" You wondered. Why wouldn't he?

"Why would I?" Joe furrowed his brow, truly confused. You only chuckled and shook your head as you slowly twisted your doorknob and thanked Joe one last time. Then you went inside, even though it looked like Joe had something to say. He could tell you in the morning, you thought.

You felt better in the stillness of your home, surrounded by warm bubbles and candlelight. You changed your sheets and put on an oversized sweatshirt from Australia, one Joe shipped you as a Christmas gift the year he spent filming there. You watched the time on your phone turn to midnight and wondered if Tegan was having a good time. Last year, she helped you throw a party in the pub, and you didn't shut down until five a.m. This year you were snug in bed, high off the scent of your freshly cleaned sheets and relishing the quiet.

You must have succumbed to sleep, but it wasn't long before you shot awake with a tightness in your chest. Sometimes the nightmares faded as quickly as they appeared, leaving you with a racing heart all the while. It was still quiet and you were still alone. Your phone read two in the morning, and there was a text from your mother announcing she booked a room across the city after her wedding shoot. She wished you a happy new year, and that's when everything really started to crumble for you.

Something about being all alone, in a new space and time made your throat close. Your hands buzzed and tears stung your eyes. Every time you tried to close them, the worse your heart sped up. You had no choice but to let yourself cry a little but still couldn't fall asleep when you learned to breathe again. So you scrolled mindlessly through your phone hoping the internet would distract you long enough to fall asleep again.

Your Instagram feed was flooded with photos of friends in new year party hats with drinks in hand. There was a video of someone's baby comically dancing to auld lang syne, and a series of firework boomerangs. Then- a picture that caused your eyes to roll.

You didn't even realize you were following Lacy Duval. But lo and behold, the newest post on your feed was one of her very own. It was a selfie of her and Joe, from tonight. Her arm was tight around his neck, and he looked happy under the red-tinted lights. There were a few hundred likes, and the first comment you saw, read: "You two again! Looking good as ever."

What the hell did that mean? You wondered enough to click on Lacy's profile. Sure enough, between rows of facetuned selfies, there was a slew of photos of Joe on Lacy's feed. One photo of him wearing her bedazzled sunglasses, another of the two of them sharing a booth at the diner Lacy mentioned before.

Your bedroom suddenly felt like a trap, like your mind wasn't the issue. You felt like you did when you'd been grounded as a kid. So you got out of bed and descended the staircase, flipping a lamp on in the living room. Somehow the change of scenery completely changed your mood. You sank into the sofa among decorative pillows and a quilt you'd left behind some days before.

You nestled there, flipping on the tv and decided to play Parks and Recreation in search of a reason to smile. Then your phone buzzed from the coffee table where you tossed it. It was a text, from Joe.

Hey, you still up?

You glanced up to the telly, then back down at your phone, wondering why he was. You had just been on social media. Maybe Joe noticed you were active. Maybe he'd gone back to the party after all.

Yep. You good?

A few minutes passed until he responded again.

Want some company?

A tiny laugh escaped your throat. Why would he want to come over at two in the morning? You couldn't understand how Joe had known to offer his company in this moment when you felt the loneliest you had in a long while. You could help but type back that you were unlocking the door and for him to come in whenever he felt like, if he really did.

You sat back down among the den of comforts that was your old sofa, and watched Parks and Recreation with a wandering mind. You weren't even sure what you'd been thinking of until the front door jostled open, and you snapped back from your zone out.

"Happy New Year!" Joe excitedly boasted. He was dressed in joggers and an old sweatshirt, and he held a paper sack close to his chest as he shut the door behind him.

"What's up your sleeve?" You laughed, stretching your arms as you sat up all the way. You watched Joe cross the room to rest his mysterious bag on the coffee table and sit near you on the edge of the sofa. It wasn't quite like your friend had come over for a visit, but rather like he was finally home after a long day. A warmth bloomed in your chest at the thought of Joe existing back in your orbit, and being happy as always to do nothing together.

"Doctors orders." He spoked as he reached into the paper bag. "We've got some overpriced drug store candy. A bag of ginger cookies. A magazine I found with Bruce Springsteen on the cover, and this." Joe named all the things he revealed from the bag one at a time, ending with a small envelope he handed to you. It was a card with the words "Get Well Soon" scrawled in outlandish cursive. Inside was blank, besides the doodled Joe had drawn of a frowny face wearing a droopy party hat. You laughed out loud, glancing up to your friend who looked quite proud.

"Thank you, Joe. You didn't need to come bearing gifts." You gave him a look as you rested the card on the table in front of you. You hadn't even felt sick since after your bath, anyhow.

"Uh, of course I did. Now shut up and try one of these. This was like, twelve dollars." Joe chuckled, reaching for a golden tin of suckers that came in elaborate flavors like ginseng, lavender, and cinnamon.

"You're out of control." You mocked, shaking your head but peering into the tin all the same. "Simply ridiculous."

"So you're saying you don't want one of these?" Joe jeered, pulling the tin away right as you started to reach in. You scoffed a laugh, moving your hand to shove his shoulder in protest.

"'Course I do! You've truly saved the day." You softened, really meaning it. You were having a really rough go of it until he showed back up. Joe reached in for a sucker and you did too, pulling one that was honey flavored. When you settled back into the sofa, happy with your choice, Joe followed suit. His shoulder pressed against yours and a new episode of Parks and Recreation was starting.

"Sorry the party was so lame." Joe pipped up, pouting as he watched the opening theme play through.

"It's okay." You decided after a beat. You could have assured him it wasn't so bad, but it wasn't great. And you really appreciated Joe's efforts to make your night more enjoyable, whether he realized that's what he was doing or not.

"Do you wanna watch something else?" You offered, suddenly realizing you had nothing left to offer him as thanks for everything. Joe shook his head and stuck in sucker in his mouth like a little kid, and you had to laugh over how much this felt like highschool. Then you settled closer near him, enjoying your candy just as well. Joe's arm fell warmly across your shoulders while a couple of episodes played through with Joe's occasional added commentary and bursts of giggles. You laughed too, but your eyes grew heavier with each passing scene. You hadn't even realized you were falling asleep until you felt Joe take your sucker from you loose grasp. Your head had fallen to his shoulder, and your eyes couldn't stay open one second longer. Parks and Rec’s familiar theme song echoed through the room as you dozed off in a flash, the easiest sleep you'd had in weeks.

///

Your home was quiet again when morning came. You were laying on the sofa with your favorite quilt gently draped over you. Joe was gone. When you stretched into the morning, you noticed a note on the coffee table, where Joe's slew of presents were left from the night before.

"Happy first day of the rest of forever. Thank's for letting me crash for a while. Maybe next week we can have a real party. This has all been an elaborate excuse to use one those fancy quill pens your mom keeps around. x o x o."

You snorted at Joe's thoughtfulness, always going out of his way to let you know how he felt. What had you done to deserve his remarkable friendship after all this time? You dwelled on the thought as you tidied up the living room and went about your day.

///

Your mother had started traveling for work. She was currently somewhere in Denver, taking photos of some happy couple. Leaving you alone to jump over the last of many legal hurdles you faced after coming back home. All you had to do was get from one place to another, delivering some business to the social security office, to confirm you were living back in the states.

The winter's thickets blanket of snow had been reduced to sheets of melting mush, but last night's bitter winds froze the mess to the ground. You waited around the house long enough for salt trucks and rush hour to wear down the roads before you hopped in the jeep your mother left behind. No big deal, you'd driven dozens of times before... just not for a while. You decided your reward for this nerve-wracking mission would be getting dinner from the best pizza place uptown.

You drove down the block with white knuckles, and onto the highway without even thinking. When you realized how far you'd safely made it, you relaxed enough to sing along to Billy Jole as you drove. This was way easier than you'd hoped.

After successfully delivering your paperwork,  you parked in the pizza place lot and ate a piping hot slice behind the wheel while scrolling through social media. Your phone was near dying when you decided to head back home.

Billy Jole was still a great company as you felt your self grow more comfortable behind the wheel. You were in complete control and everything was fine.

Until a loud unsettling POP came from somewhere outside your vehicle. Your car had obviously just blown a tire, slumping to the left in the middle of the highway. As you held your breath and tried to slow down, your remaining tires lost traction on a rouge patch of ice.

"Shitshitshitshit!"

Your car gracefully slid off the road toward a speed limit sign, scraped against the pole and spun around to a halt.

"Damn it!" You cried, tearing your white knuckles from the wheel and covering your face in your hands. Your heart was pounding and your throat closed shut, but a pathetic cry still managed to escape.

A couple of cars breezed by, leaving the highway otherwise empty while you sat trying to pull yourself together.

You weren't hurt. The radio was still blaring Scenes From An Italian Restaurant. It was a little cold, but you were okay. That's what you kept repeating over and over until your hands stopped shaking and you could breathe a little better than before.

"Oh shit." You whimpered, hopping out of the car to monitor the front left tire. The rubber smoking, peeling away from the rim. You hurried back in your car and found your phone was only at nine percent. Who were you even going to call forty minutes away from home? Oh, that's right, no one lived there anymore. Joe was in the city again. Mary was a lawyer and John-

You pulled your phone to your ear as it rang.

"Hello?"

"John? Hey, you live uptown don't you?" He said so at Christmas.

"I do! Stopping by to reminisce?" He laughed.

"I have a really huge favor to ask."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, well, I'm having some car troubles." You explained where you had been left stranded on the highway and how it all happened. How your phone was dying and you needed to call a towing service.

John promised he was right on his way, and you were able to call a service to come and get your car while you waited for a ride of your own.

His blue Buick slowed and eased off the side of the road only fifteen minutes later. John stepped into the frost-covered grass and leaned toward your open driver's window as you collected your things.

"Did you get through to a towing service?" He asked right away.

"They should be here in no time." You assured, and right as you had, a truck came creeping toward you from the other side of the road. By the time everything was sorted out and you eased into John's passenger seat, it was nearly nightfall. He cranked up the heating vents as you glanced around, noticing a car seat in the back, piled with a few bright children's books.

"Man I can't believe baby John has his own baby now." You beamed, turning to face Joe's little brother. He chuckled, stealing a glance your way while pulling back onto the road.

"Almost four, I wish he was still a baby."

"Yeah," You halfheartedly agreed. You wished you could have been around to know the families as they grew. You'd missed out on so much, and for what?

"So what's it like being back? Christmas felt like it always used too." John smiled, easy-going as always. Funny how he saved the day and went on chatting as if it wasn't a big deal, you thought. Weren't you the one supposed to be rescuing him from silly little mishaps like these? Maybe this was an all-new alternate reality.

"I was glad to be there. It had been far too long." You breathed, glancing out the window to the cold grey highway.

"Eva still feels bad for not recognizing you right away." John laughed. You couldn't help but chuckle, too.

"Oh, how could she?" You wondered. You hadn't been around. But you didn't want to dwell on that anymore. "It's not the first time someone thought I was Joe's hot date." You chuckled light-heartedly.

"I'm sure it won't be the last." John rose a brow, like he might have had more to say. But after a beat, he went on rambling about how glad he was that you'd been at the first Christmas his dad was absent from. How things felt less grim than he expected. And how he was glad to know space nor time could keep you from crashing the party.

When John dropped you off back home, you couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry. You concluded that the indecision was better than falling into your usual downward spiral, and hoped things would only get better from here...

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

[takealottodragmeawayfromreddie]

Whatever floats your boat - Chapter 2

Summary: When they were fourteen years old, Richie climbed through Eddie’s window with the excuse of having another secret sleepover and they had the longest conversation in their friendship history instead. He got tangled in what he was trying to say a million times, went forwards and backwards in his explanations too much and even cried a bit. But at the end, it was clear, and Eddie understood

At the age of fourteen, Richie Tozier was impossibly aware of the fact he was gay. Then, why did he start dating a girl when he turned seventeen? And why was Eddie so mad about it?

Prologue, Chapter 1

Warnings: Internalized homophobia, referenced sexual abuse, referenced underage oral sex.

AO3 LINK

Proofread by the amazing @aizeninlefox

Chapter 2

Derry, Maine; 1994.

In their last year of high school, Richie started dating someone. It surprised a lot of people, but not Eddie. He knew it wasn’t the first time something like this had happened.

A year ago, Richie went to a summer camp that would help him to improve his grades and capacity of learning. His parents decided to send him when they found out he wasn’t doing well in school anymore, and not even remedial classes would fix the situation.

Richie, of course, hated that solution. He spent his last days of freedom complaining about it, responding to everything with insults and rejecting any kind of condolence for his lost vacations.

But the funny thing was that when he came back he didn’t seem angry at all. In fact, he looked satisfied with the turn things had taken. The Losers interrogated him about it, and he just shrugged and said there were some hot girls and all of the campers went to swim together in a lake when it was free time. The only one who knew the true explanation for his joy was Eddie.

For the first time in years, Richie snuck into his room at night to have a private chat. Eddie immediately got stiff, fearing the worst. Richie’s gladness should have been a good indication, but it was two in the morning and he was too sleepy and nervous to understand.

“Okay, Eds, I know this is all so disgusting and traumatic for you, but I got to tell someone,” Richie’s voice sounded fast and excited as he walked around the room, incapable of sitting down.

“Can’t it wait?” Eddie drowsily asked, rubbing his eye.

“Hell, no. I went to Bev first and she told me to go to sleep.”

“Bev is a wise woman, you should listen to her,” He muttered, getting into bed again and pulling the blanket over his body, including his head.

“Come on, Eds, don’t you wanna hear about my summer romance?”

Eddie exhaled a bitter laugh.

“You? Romance? One of those girls who swam in the lake, I guess.”

“Nah, a super-hot guy.”

That was all it took for Eddie to get out of his cave of sheets. At the mere sound of the words, he quickly sat up and looked at him with a death stare.

“What the fuck?”

Richie’s chest inflated with pride.

“Yep,” He confirmed, casually exanimating his nails, “A super-hot guy who was basically begging for my—”

“And you were planning to tell Bev?!” Eddie snapped, doing nothing to hide his angriness, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

All the arrogance in Richie vanished. Now he looked confused and vaguely embarrassed.

“She’s…” He started, his voice fighting for leaving his throat, “She’s my friend, Eddie.”

“And what about me? I’m not your friend? I don’t have any say about… this?”

He left bed again and walked towards Richie, whose eyes were opened wide in complete confusion. It almost hurt seeing him taking a step back when they were face to face, as he was scared of Eddie injuring him.

“This is not some silly game, Richie. This is not something you wear in your forehead like it’s something you’re… proud about. It’s your future, your health, your whole life.”

“I can trust Bev.”

“You can’t trust her about everything. In fact, you shouldn’t trust anyone about this. Not even me.”

Richie looked in the verge of tears for a few seconds. A brief tremble of his lower lip wouldn’t let him pretend he didn’t care, like he always did. But nothing happened. He just stared into Eddie’s eyes like he did the Monday after the college party, thickened his skin and acted.

“You’re right,” Now his voice was more like the straight line in a monitor that announces the death of a patient, “I shouldn’t have trusted you.”

Then, he started walking to the open window, so decisive Eddie thought nothing could stop him. However, he did stop at the last minute.

“And for your information,” He said, turning back in Eddie’s direction, “I wasn’t going to tell Bev it was a guy. Don’t worry, no one knows your best friend is a faggot.”

After that, he initiated his already dominated descent through Eddie’s house façade.

“Wait!” Eddie called out, trying to not being too loud, sticking his head through the window, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Richie ignored him.

“Come on, you know I didn’t mean it like that!”

“No, Eds,” Richie finally answered, looking up at him, “I don’t know. Fuck you.”

Eddie felt panic getting its way into his chest.

“I’m sorry, Richie! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be an asshole. Please, come back. Please tell me about that… super-hot guy.”

“You don’t wanna hear it, trust me,” He said, getting his feet on the ground and walking towards his bike, “We spent the whole summer sucking each other’s dick.”

Eddie choked, trying to resist the urgency of puking. Richie left.

Even if their first try to openly talk about Richie’s romantic life failed, Eddie got the chance to properly apologize and Richie, in a less emotional mental state, paid the incident no mind and agreed to talk about it when they got to meet without the rest of the Losers.

It turned out it wasn’t as simple as a ‘whole summer sucking each other’s dick’. The super-hot guy had a name and Richie found himself repeating it a lot more than necessary. He couldn’t disguise that little glitter in his eyes every time he mentioned it.

“So, his name was Jake and he wasn’t just hot.”

“He wasn’t?”

“No, I mean, yeah, he was hot. But he was also super funny. Like, the funniest dude I ever met? I know it’s hard to imagine a guy who’s funnier than me, but…”

“I can imagine it.”

“Mean.”

“Go on.”

“Right. And he was tall. He said he was in the basketball team of his school and his mother sent him to the camp ‘cause his grades sucked and the coach was going to kick him out if they didn’t get better.”

Richie went on and on about Jake and how much they kissed every time they could be all alone. And what an amazing kisser he was. And he gave the best blowjobs in the world. And you don’t know how Heaven looks like until Jake Parker gets his hand inside your pants.

“Will you ever see him again?” Eddie asked when he was done. It wasn’t the kind of question a good friend dreamily brings up when you meet someone new, but a nasty challenge to look at him in the eye and say his little summer fling meant something for the other guy, too.

“He told me he’d call me when he got home,” Richie said, not very convinced, “He’s from Portland, so…”

Eddie felt guilty for seeding that doubt on his mind.

“It’s been two weeks, Rich,” He gently commented, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Richie nodded.

“I know.”

Of course he knew. He wasn’t stupid. And Eddie wasn’t stupid, either. All he could do was keep rubbing comforting circles into his friend’s shoulder and respecting his silence.

Jake never called back.

Although it didn’t end well, none of them could deny it was serious. Before that, Eddie couldn’t imagine Richie actually liking someone. He wasn’t exactly the kind of person who would give up his eternal childhood to satisfy all the expectative of a formal relationship. Sure, he was capable of wanting —his whole summer was about oral sex, anyway—, but the deep desire of being with someone didn’t seem like something he could feel.

Jake proved Eddie wrong. Richie had feelings just like anyone. The kind of feelings you would expect from any teenager. Eddie realized he never stopped seeing Richie as the sarcastic, dirty kid he grew up with. He also found out that hearing him talking about how he wanted to get into somebody’s pants, didn’t feel as shocking and wrong as picturing him wanting to wrap his arms around a waist from behind and resting his chin on a shoulder.

What was Richie’s type, anyway? Did he really had a type? What made Jake different from all the boys he had met in his life? How could Richie like someone who was funnier than him? Wouldn’t he feel humiliated? Or was it all because Jake was tall? Did Richie like basketball players? If Richie met another guy who was funny and tall and a good kisser, would he fall again?

Eddie didn’t mean to ask himself all of these questions, but he couldn’t help but think about them every time he tried to close his eyes and sleep. The only conclusion he got from all this wondering was that Richie’s type was a guy. Simple as that. That was the secret.

So Richie dating someone a year after wouldn’t be that alarming. Except for the fact that that someone was a girl.

Nobody knew when it started. Richie was very private about it and not even Beverly was aware of his relationship. But most of them noticed weird things before it was made public.

The first signal was when they were standing in the line of the cafeteria and a group of girls stopped behind them. At the start, they didn’t paid them no mind, but after a short time, they heard them giggling.

Although it was obvious they were trying to hide their amusement, they weren’t doing a good job and soon their voices turned into a choir of hysterical and poorly controlled laughs.

“There,” One of them whispered, “The one in glasses.”

“Oh, my God,” Another one giggled.

“Shut up, you idiots,” Said a third girl, even if she was taking part of the fun.

Eddie felt his blood burning. It wasn’t unusual for them being the brunt of constant jokes, but there wasn’t anything subtle about the way those girls were acting. For all he knew, they may very well be sharing those stupid rumors about Richie and Bev, and they didn’t care about respect enough for trying to be more discrete.

All of the Losers noticed too. Mike turned around and gave them a serious, but yet sympathetic look.

“You need something?” He asked.

The girls stared between the others and giggled again. The taller one dared to answer.

“No, we’re fine, thank you.”

Mike solemnly nodded and took his tray, ready to go and find a table. Now Richie was closer to the group, too focused on choosing his dessert for notice the way he seemed to be the topic of their conversation.

Eddie quietly observed how one of the girls pointed at Richie, while her gaze travelled to the opposite side of the room. To a particular table. She smiled and winked, as her friends kept laughing.

He tried to see who was the receiving of the comment, but his short stature and how the cafeteria was full of people and the line was moving didn’t allow him to find out.

“Eds,” Richie, who had already made his decision, was standing a few feet away with his tray and an impatient look, “Are you gonna stand there the whole lunch or what?”

Eddie looked at the girls again. Now they looked serious and quiet, like they didn’t even know each other. He turned back to Richie.

“Shut the fuck up,” He said, taking his own tray and hurrying to follow him.

It happened again a few times. Those girls couldn’t be around them without whispering that secret joke that had something to do with Richie. And it soon extended to a couple of people who haven’t even noticed his existence before.

A certain day, it reached an unexpected height when the Losers were standing next to Ben’s locker, waiting for him to get all of his books, and one of these out-of-nowhere laughers and her friends walked besides them and stared directly at Richie.

“Hi, Romeo,” She casually said, gaining more giggles and even some ‘oh, my God, you really said that’ from the rest of the group.

“What was that?” Stan frowned in confusion once they had left.

Everybody turned at Richie, silently interrogating him. He limited to shrug.

“How am I supposed to know?” He replied, glowering, “Maybe they just find me that hot.”

He shrugged again. They were planning to keep digging for an actual answer, but Ben got the rest of his books just in time and they didn’t have any option but to head to their classrooms.

Eddie told himself to forget about the whole thing. Even though he knew it was stupid, he couldn’t stop turning it over in his head. Definitely, those girls didn’t want Richie. There wasn’t any flirting intention to the way they talked to him. It was more like a mockery. But why would they do that? Richie wasn’t attractive at all and that never been a secret. Why would they wait so long for start making fun of him for not having dates?

The answer came sooner than later. As he walked to his classroom, he realized Richie and Bev were going in the same direction, just a few steps behind. And they were talking.

“Are you sure that’s it?” She said, a knowing smile audible in her tone.

“Yeah, why not? It’s a very natural reaction,” He responded.

Beverly stayed quiet for a few seconds.

“Fuck, what is this? The Holy Inquisition? I don’t know!” Richie kept defending himself.

“Oh, well, I thought you may have an idea…”

“What are you implying?”

“You see, I saw the most interesting thing today…” Her voice revealed pure evilness.

“And what was that?” Richie sounded plainly exasperated at this point.

Beverly took her time to let air fill her lungs before exhaling the magic spell.

“Fran Cobb.”

Eddie got tense at the mention of the name, and he could feel Richie also got tense behind him. He didn’t recognize who Fran Cobb was, but such a powerful energy emerged from the only implication of her existence that he felt immediately overwhelmed by it.

He suddenly understood how private this conversation was, how full of meaning it was getting, and he realized he shouldn’t be listening. But he couldn’t un-hear it. He just couldn’t. He had to know what was so interesting, so important about that mysterious presence in Richie’s life. So he slowed his steps down just enough to get closer to his friends without them noticing it.

“What about her?” Richie questioned.

Yeah, Eddie thought. What about her?

“Nothing special,” Bev continued, “I just sat behind her at Biology today and, I could almost swear, she was wearing an… oversized Hawaiian shirt?”

Eddie heard Richie gulping.

“A woman with good taste,” He casually replied.

“That’s what I thought,” Beverly chuckled, “By the way, where’s your shirt?”

“I didn’t wear a shirt today.”

“Richard…”

“What?”

“Nothing,” She sighed, carefree, “Romeo.”

Then, she speed her walking up and passed by Eddie’s side, giving him a side smile. He hurried to pretend he was tying his shoes and barely reached to see Richie half-running and half-waddling to follow his best friend, ignoring him and mumbling excuses for the fact that Fran Cobb, whoever she was, was indeed wearing his shirt.

Richie didn’t say a word until two weeks later. Two weeks full of cancelled plans of hanging out or doing something together, coming up with lots of explanations that seemed to get more and more ridiculous as they days passed by. Two weeks of the question of ‘what were you doing the other day?’ going vaguely answered or practically ignored. Two weeks of getting extra suspicious every time Bill talked about Audra, the girl he was dating.

But it all had to come to an end and, when it happened, it wasn’t Eddie or Beverly who were informed first. For some reason, Richie decided to trust Ben about what was going on. Or, in better words, he had no other option.

Noticing how weird Richie was acting recently, Ben managed to meet him alone and have a heart-to-heart talk. He wasn’t pressuring him or forcing him to open up, he just wanted to make sure his friend was doing well, and it surprised him to find out Richie needed to be honest about the matter more than anything.

Nobody knew what was said in that conversation, but it proved to be very effective because, two days later, Richie sat at their habitual table at the cafeteria and formally announced it.

“So,” He started, pretending to be focused on his piece of chicken, “You know Fran Cobb?”

All of the Losers considered the name for a little while, except Eddie, who didn’t feel comfortable with thinking about it, and Bev, who looked ready to burst out laughing.

“I-isn’t she in th-the D-Drama Club?” Bill ventured to guess, “A-Audra had mentio-mentioned her a f-few times.”

“Yeah,” Richie confirmed, so quickly it was clear he was nervous, “Yeah, she is.”

“Cool, so, what about her?” Stan asked.

Richie left out a sigh, as he was preparing to speak in public for the first time in front a crowd of a thousand people.

“Well,” He started, “I mean, don’t get super… It’s no big deal, just…”

“They’re dating,” Bev interrupted, rolling her eyes.

Their friends stayed in silence, looking between the others in search of a hint this was a bizarre dream, as Richie’s face turned red. He almost dropped his fork and hurried to recover his hold of it before it fell.

“No,” He instantaneously said, “Not exactly. I mean, I don’t know, it’s not…” The confusion in everyone’s faces told him he needed to explain himself better, “Nobody said the word ‘dating’, we’re just… We haven’t fucked yet, but we do kiss and go out and…”

“ Date ,” Beverly whispered, like it was some kind of big epiphany.

“Is she deaf?” Stan joked.

“Fuck you, Stanley,” Richie bitterly answered.

“Well, as long as you’re happy, I’m happy for you,” Mike smiled.

“W-when will you intro-introduce us?” Bill enquired with kind curiosity.

“Shit, I don’t know, Big Bill,” His friend teased, “Like, she thinks I’m so cool and amazing and hot. What would she think if she knew I hang out with a bunch of losers?”

All of them laughed, even if Eddie didn’t find the joke that funny.

“Our little boy is growing up,” Bev said in a high-pitched voice, putting her arms around Richie and shaking him a bit.

“Sorry, Marsh,” He smirked, “I know you’re disappointed, but you’ll find a man for you someday,” He brought the fork to his lips and didn’t bother to swallow the food before adding, “Hanscom, for example, is still single.”

Now it was Ben’s time to blush, but the topic didn’t stay around enough for it to become a problem. Eddie imagined Richie and Ben talking about their crushes, about how stunning the girls they liked were, as they were best friends, as Ben had the right to know before anyone what was going on. As Richie was straight.

At the end, no one talked about meeting his girlfriend for a while. They just started excusing him when he couldn’t be with them and moved on. Eddie felt stupid for not being able to ignore it, like everybody else did.

His mother always said love could save almost anyone. She always talked about how beneficial finding a good wife could be for men who dealt with ‘deviations’. When he was a kid, every time he complained about people making fun of him for being too small or too weak, she would say the he’d grow up and find someone who allowed him to be normal, to be healthy . Of course she realized her mistake a few years later and changed to the ‘I’m the only person who loves you’ tactic, but Eddie knew what the truth was.

However, he felt inexplicably betrayed by Richie’s change of heart about his sexuality and how he was managing it. It wasn’t like he would have enjoyed listening, but at least an effort for talking to him about it first would have been appreciated. It felt almost like an insult that Richie wouldn’t mind to tell him about his blowjob summer with all the dirty details, and still he didn’t trust him enough to let him know he had a girlfriend.

After all the trouble they went through, after the 3:00 AM talks, even after the college party —as rude and hurtful it was to think about that right now—, finding out Richie was forgetting all of that just for a girl seemed unfair. Eddie couldn’t un-hear his sobs, Eddie couldn’t retire that hug when they were fourteen, Eddie couldn’t forget the gentle pressure of that college guy’s lips against his own, and he couldn’t forgive himself for not even remembering his name when he saved him from hell itself.

Richie was getting over everything. No matter how hard life hit him, he would always fall in his two feet, like a fucking, lucky cat . He didn’t have to face consequences, he didn’t have to take responsibilities for the choices he made. He could always take it all back and move on, and no one would ever say anything. Nobody cared. Eddie was the only one who did. Even Beverly was worried for just a few days after the party incident, when that was still everything Eddie could think about three years later.

He shouldn’t care about Richie. Richie didn’t need anyone to protect him. Everything was a reversible joke for him, an endless comedy show that went from one act to another burning the ones that stayed behind. The rest of the Losers knew, and Eddie had to learn it, too.

But he couldn’t. Not caring wasn’t in his nature. And, most of all, he felt curious. If it was true that the perfect girl could save the sickest man alive, he needed to know who could be the perfect girl for Richie. So he grabbed his yearbook, flipped through the pages until he was at the Drama Club part and started searching in the photographs.

The only faces he could recognize were Audra’s and the insufferable group of people who would giggle whenever they saw Richie. It was obvious they were Fran’s friends and they knew she was seeing him. Eddie frowned at the thought of Richie’s girlfriend divulging their relationship while he was clearly not ready to make it public.

The central picture showed the whole club sitting at the stands of the football camp, around the old, bohemian woman who was their teacher. Eddie quickly examined the list of names and it didn’t take him too long to find the name that still managed to make his stomach turn. Francine Cobb . She was sitting at the first row, only two seats away from the teacher.

He was nearly disappointed. She wasn’t ugly, not at all, but she also didn’t look like the kind of girl who would have Richie going crazy for her. Even though the blonde, wavy hair falling over the shoulders was considered attractive most of the time, hers looked grungy in a very Courtney Love-style that he didn’t find nice. Her pale face seemed too round and childish, even when her features weren’t unappealing, and her full lips felt like almost too much, just like Richie’s did.

In addition, her figure couldn’t decide between growing up into a woman’s body or stick to childhood. Respectable breasts raised under the dimer overall —‘typical cool kid clothes’, Eddie cynically thought—, but she didn’t have an actual, defined shape aside them. Her legs and arms seemed too long for the rest of her constitution and the way she sat, slightly arching her back, gave her a funny appearance.

If Eddie was confused before, he was definitely astonished now. The other pictures showed Fran as a very joyful person, always smiling in that open way that built winkles around her eyes, always throwing her head back when she laughed, always sitting in the floor with her legs crossed or taking the stage to make everyone cackle.

What did Richie see in her? He was so disgusted by girls like this when he was younger. Girls who worked so hard for being funny, and to fit in. Actually, he was disgusted by any kind of girl who wasn’t opening her legs in the centerfold of a dirty magazine. And those girl didn’t exist in the real world.

But there was Fran. The girl from the Drama Club. The girl who had hobbies and went to school with them. The girl who laughed out loud and showed emotions aside of pretending to be turned on by a camera. She had a name, a house in their town, and a personality. She was a complete human being. And she was Richie’s girlfriend.

Eddie felt sad for her and didn’t know why. He hoped Richie would never introduce them, because he knew that as soon as he was were face to face with her, he couldn’t hide it anymore. And he didn’t know what he was hiding, either. All he could tell was that he felt sad, disappointed.

He felt betrayed.

Taglist: @beepbeepbeleven @irl-tozier (please let me know if I forgot about someone or if someone else wants to be added)

[winchesters-love]

Get To Know Me!!! A Little Too Well

1. Name: Nicole 2. Nickname(s): Nik, Nikki 3. Birthday: June 21 4. That makes you: 18 5. Where were you born: Nebraska 6. Location right now: Same place 7. Shoe size: 7 8. How many piercings?: None 9. Tattoos?: None, but I'd love a few <3 10. When you wake up you're: Confused and even more tired 11. When your about to sleep you're: Wide awake 12. Zodiac sign: Cancerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr/Gemini 13. Chinese sign: Rabbit 14. Righty or Lefty: Righty 15. Innie or Outie: Innie 16. School: Out of school :P Section Two: Looks 17. Nationality: White 20. Weight: 110 lbs 21. Height: 5'6 22. Braces? No 23. Glasses? Yes Section Three: Private Life 24. Do you have a boy/girlfriend? I do! 25. If so, who? The love of my life, Nate 26. If not, do you have a crush on someone? My boyfriend 27. Who has a crush on you? No one haha 28. Ever cheated on your bf/gf? Nope 29. Who was your first kiss: Nate, he kisses pretty good 30. Who was your last kiss: Nate <3 31. Are you a virgin? Yes 32. Ever had a threesome before? No 33. NQ- Ever been swarmed by ladybugs?: Nope 34. Have you ever been in love? Yes 35. Broken any hearts? Not that I know of 36. Got your heart broken? Quite a few times 37. Ever liked a friend? Yea 38. What happened? We started dating

Section Four: Past Relationships 39. How many relationships have you been in? 1 40. How many were serious enough to count: I'm in it 41. Who were those serious ones: I've only been in 1 42. NQ- Who USED to be your best friend: Well, he's still my best friend so 43. What made them different: Nothing 44. What happened: We started dating 45. Best boy/girlfriend: The one I'm dating 46. Worst boy/girlfriend: N/A 47. Ever been kissed: Yes 48. Who do you want back: No one 49. What do you regret: Focusing too much on guys 50. Why? Because I would've done so much better in school Section Five: Favourites 51. Song: Sound of Silence 52. Movie: Zootopia 53. Food: Anything really 54. Drink: Apple Juice 55. Store: Gamestop and Hot Topic 56. Television show: Stranger Things and Mom 57. Holiday: Christmas 58. Book: Grace Lost Series 59. Ice cream: Mint Chip 60. Sweets: Chocolate 61. Crisps: Doritos Jacked 62. Type of music: Pretty much every genre 63. Artist: Singer is Luke Bryan, Painter is Bob Ross 64. Word: Loquacious, vernacular 65. Time of day: Evening/night 66. Dressing: Ranch 67. Alcoholic drink: Don't drink 68. Colour(s): Blue, Red, Black, and White 69. Piece of clothing: Beanie 70. Character: My fursona 71. Smell: Fresh rainfall 72. Shampoo: Fructis 73. Soap: Fructis 74. Smiley: >3 75. Board game: Too many tbh 76. Sport: Soccer 77. Number: 5 78. Quote: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Franklin D. Roosvelt 79. Animal: Wolf 80. Actor: Ryan Reynolds/Chris Pratt 82. Vegetable: Sugar snap peas 83. Fruit: Grapes 84. Place to be: In my room 85. Thing in your room: Pictures 86. Gum: 5-gum 87. Shape: Circle 88. Country: Europe 89. Mall: Any mall 90. Car: 67 Chevy Impala 91. Boy's name: Christopher 92. Girl's name: Chrissy 93. Family member: My brothers and my dad 94. Restaurant: Johnny Carinos 95. Movie place: The theater 96. Person to go to the movies with: Myself 97. Noise: Falling rain 98. Brand of Shoe: Airwalks 99. Brand of clothing: Aeropostle 100. Body part of a chicken: Thigh 101. Swear word: Asshat 102. Month: December 103. Possession: My ring 104. Team: Don't have a favorite 105. Season: Winter 106. Radio station: Pop station 107. Magazine: Don't read them 108. Favourite grade: Senior year 109. Least favourite grade: 5th grade 110. Teacher: Kindergarten 111. Least favourite teacher: Math teacher in 5th grade, he was a douche 112. Subject: Art/Choir 113. Subject to talk about: Anything and everything Section Six: Family 114. Who's your mum?: Not here 115. Who's your dad?: My role model 116. Any step-parents?: Yea, had a few 117. Any brothers?: 2 118. Any Sisters?: Nope 120. Coolest: Older brother 121. Loudest: Me 122. Best relative: My cousin 123. Worse relative: No one 124. Do you get along with your parents? My dad, yea 125. With your siblings? Mostly, we game with each other 126. Does anyone understand you? Yea 127. Do you have any pets? Nah 128. If so, what kind and name? 129. If not, what do you want as a pet? I want another dog, we had to get rid of ours Section Seven: School 131. Are you still in school? Nope 132. Did you drop out?: 2.75, I didn't pay attention freshman and sophomore year 133. Your current GPA: No thanks 134. Do you buy or bring lunch?: School bill paid for it 135. ABC's?: Know them 136. Favorite class: Choir and art 137. Play any sports at school?: Played soccer 138. Are you popular? With the outcasts 139. Favourite memory: Being the only girl good at soccer 140. Most humiliating moment: Falling in front of my close guy friends 141. Most funniest moment: Hitting someone in the face with a soccer ball 142. Most scared moment: Graduating Section Eight: What do you think of when you hear 145. Chicken: Bawk bawk 146. Dog: Soft puppy 147. Christina Aguilera: Music 148. Ricky Martin: Who? 149. 50 cent: Rapper 150. Poop: Emoji 151. Beach: Sand 152. Dessert: Cactus 153. Water: Blue 154. Osama: Bin Laden 155. Love: Life 156. Your little brother: Xbox One 157. Butt: Nice 158. Clowns: Pennywise 159. Wonder: Over Yander 16o. Brown: Pants 161. Banana: Yum 162. Sex: Rope 163. Parents: One 164. Homosexuals: Jensen and Jared 165. God: Father Section Nine: Do you believe in 166. God: Yes 167. Heaven: Yes 168. Devil: Yes 169. Hell: In a sense 170: Boogey man: No 171. Closet Monsters: Nah 172. Fortune telling: Nope 173. Magic: Nuh uh 174. Love at first sight: Depends 175. Ghosts: Nope 176. Voo-doo dolls: Nah 177. Reincarnation: Nope 178. Yourself: Ehh, not really Section Ten: Do you 179. Smoke: And kill my lungs? No thanks 180. Do drugs: Pfft, why would I? 181. Drink alcohol: Again, I'm not trying to die at a young age 182. Cuss: Yea 183. Sing in the shower: Sometimes... 184. Like school: Yea, it was the best place to be! 185. Want to get married: Mhmm, and I'm glad I found someone 186. Type with all of your fingers: Not really 187. Think you're attractive: Most days 188. Drink and drive: Fuck this 189. Snore: Sometimes 190. Sleep walk: Nope 191. Like watching sunrises and sunsets: Best place to be honestly Section Eleven: Have you ever 192. Flashed someone: On accident 193. Gotten so drunk til you threw up everywhere: I don't drink 194. Told that person how you felt: Yep 195. Been arrested: Nope 196. Gone to jail or juve: No 197. Skateboarded: Yes 198. Skinny dipped: In a bath 199. Rock climbed: Do it every summer 200. Killed someone: Nope 201. Watched porn: Nah 202. Gone on a road trip: Kinda 203. Went out of the country: Nah 204. Talked back to an adult: Yes 205. Broken a law: Nope 206. Got pulled over: Don't drive 208: Cried to get out of trouble: I don't usually do anything bad 209. Let a friend cry on your shoulder: I'm supposed to, I'm there to listen 210. Kissed a brother's or sister's friend: No 211. Kissed a friend's brother or sister: No 212. Dropped something on the floor and let someone eat it anyways: Nah, I usually eat it 213. Mooned someone: Yes, once 214. Shop-lifted: No 215. Worked at McDonald's: No thank you 216. Eaten a dog: A hot dog! 217. Give money to a homeless person: Yea, I've fed them too 218. Glued your hand to yourself: Yes 219. Kissed someone of the same sex: Playing Pocky 220. Had a one night stand: I have two right beside my bed 221. Smoked: Nope 222. Done drugs: No 223. Lose a friend because of your ex: I don't have any exes 224. Slap someone for being stupid: Yes 225. Had cyber sex: Sexted?? Kinda 226. Wish you were the opposite sex: A lot more often than I should sometimes. But for completely different reasons 227. Caught someone doing something: Yea 228. Played a game that removes clothing: Strip truth or dare ;) 229. Cried during a movie: All the damn time 230. Cried over someone: It's hard not to when you can't have an actor love you 231. Wanted to hook up with a friend: Yea, and I did 232. Hooked up with someone you barely met: Nah 233. Ran away from home: Nope 234. Cheated on a test: Once Section Twelve: Would you 235. Bungee jump: Nope 236. Sky dive: Hate heights 237. Swim with dolphins: Yes 238. Steal a friend's bf or gf: That goes against girl code 239. Try to be the opposite sex: No 240. Lie to the police: Hi officer my real name is Nicholas... Cage 241. Run from the police: No 242. Lie to your parents: Done it before 243. Backstab a friend for your own well being: That's just plain rude 244. Be an exotic dancer: Only for my boyfriend <3 245. NQ- Kill the president: Nah Section Thirteen: Are you 246. Shy: Yes, especially around new people 247. Loud: Extremely 248. Nice: I try to be 249: Outgoing: I fake being outgoing haha 250: Quiet: Yea 251. Mean: Depends, I'm mean to those I like 252. Emotional: Sad to say, but yea 253. Sensitive: Mhmm 254. Gay: I'm very happy 255. Strong: I wish, need to start working out 256. Weak: Yea 257. Caring: Yes, especially towards animals 258. Dangerous: Well, does this include caving? 259. Crazy: Uh huh 260. Spontaneous: I am the most random and spontaneous thing out there 261. Funny: I try to be, I fail at it 262. Sweet: To eat ;) 263. Sharing: With most things, but not my food 264. Responsible: Most of the time 265. Trustworthy: Definitely, if you want a secret kept come talk to me 266. Open-minded: Depends on what you mean 267. Creative: For the most part 268. Cute: Um, not even close, no matter how many of y'all say I am 269. Slick: They don't call me Nik the Slick for nothing 270. Smart: Yea 271. Dumb: I act like it 272. Evil: No 273. Ghetto: If only 274. Classy: As in sassy 275. Photogenic: Nope 276. Dependable: Only on a few select things 277. Greedy: Only with food 278. Ugly: Yes, 100 times over 279. Messy: With my life 280. Neat: With everything else 281. Perverted: You can say cookie and it'll go bad 282. Silly: Yea 283. A B****: I can be if you want me to be 284. A Good Listener: Mhmm 285. A Fighter: If you make me mad enough 286. A Party Animal: I'd rather read, thanks 287. A Game Freak: YES 288. A Computer Freak: I literally want to work on computers Section Fourteen: Future 289. Dream job: Animation 290. Dream house: Somewhere out in the country 291. Husband/Wife: My sweet redheaded boyfriend 292. Kids: 2 293. Names: Something with Ns 294. Pets: Literally so many 295. Car: Anything that gets me places 296. Age you would want to get married: I wouldn't mind getting married in the next few years 297. Best Man/Bride's Maid: My best friend Elena 298. Honeymoon: Anyplace that has a bedroom Section Fifteen: Your friends 299. Best friend: Elena, Nate, Jasmine, Kelsey 300. Known the longest: Nate 301. Craziest: Elena 302. Loudest: Elena and I 303. Shyest: Jasmine and Kelsey 304. Best hair: Kelsey 305. Best eyes: Kelsey 306. Best body: Nate 307. Most Athletic: Me 308. Hot-Tempered: Elena 309. Most impatient: Me 310. Shortest: Nate 311. Tallest: Kelsey 312. Skinniest: Me 313. Best singer: Me 314. Funniest: Literally all of us 315. Can always make you laugh: All of them 316. Wish you talked to more: Elena 317. Wish you saw more: All of them 318. Who drives you insane after a while: Elena, but in a good way 319. Who you can stay around forever and never get sick of: All of them 320. Ever lose a friend because you took it to the 'next level': Nah, I'm dating Nate 321. Whose always been there when you need them: All of them 322. Who is like your family: All of them 323. How many friends do you have?: Quite a few, and I love each and every one of them 324. How many are really close? About 10? Section Sixteen: The last 325. Thing you ate: Poptarts 326. Thing you drank: Apple juice 327. Thing you wore: My hoodie 328. Thing you did: This meme 329. Place you went: The store 330. Thing you got pierced or tattooed: Nothing 331. Person you saw: My dad 332. Person you hugged: My dad 333. Person you kissed: Nate 334. NQ- Person you beat to a juicy pulp: I wish I had done that to a couple jerks 335. Person you talked to online: Nate 336. Person you talked to on the phone: Nate 337. Song you heard: Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade 338. Show you saw: Mom 339. Time you fought with your parents: Um... about a month or two? 340. Time you fought with a friend: Haven't for a while 341. Words you said: Fuck you is what I said Section Seventeen: Now 343. What are you eating: Poptart 344. What are you drinking: Apple juice 345. What are you thinking: About my boyfriend 346. What are you wearing: My hoodie 347. What are you doing: Writing this up 349. Hair: Down 350. Mood: Tired 351. Listening to: Spotify 352. Talking to anyone: Yea 353. Watching anything: Nah Section Eighteen: Yes or No 354. Are you a vegetarian: Mostly 355. Are you a carnivore: Nah 356. Are you heterosexual: Yes 357. Do you like penguins: Yes 358. Do you write poetry: Yes 359. Do you see stupid people: Yes 360. You + Me: No 361. Do you like the Osbournes: Yes 362. Can you see flying pigs: No 363. Do you sleep with stuffed animals on your bed: Yes 364. Are you from Afghanistan: No 365. Is Christina Aguilera ugly: No 366. Are you a zombie: No 367. Am i annoying you: Yes 368. Do you bite your nails: Yes 369. Can you cross your eyes: Yes 370. Do you make your bed in the morning: No 371. Have you touched someone's private part: Yes Section Nineteen: This or That 372. Winter or Summer: Winte 373. Spring or Autumn: Autumn 374. Shakira or Britney: Britney 375. MTV or VH1: MTV 376. Black or White: White 377. Yellow or Pink: Pink 378. Football or Basketball: Football 379. Mobile Phone or Pager: Mobile 380. Pen or Pencil: Pencil 381. Cold or Hot: Hot 382. Tattoos or Piercings: Tattoos 383. Inside or Outside: Inside 384. Weed or Alcohol: No 385. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi 386. Tape or Glue: Tape 387. McDonald's or In-n-Out: In-Out Section Twenty: Opinions 388. What do you think about classical music: I like it 389. About boy bands: Nah 390: About suicide: Talk to someone if you're thinking about suicide. It is a very real thing and should not be joked about. I don't want to find out that any of you are no longer here because of suicide. I've lost 2 very close friends that way. 391. About people who try to force their opinions on you: They can kindly fuck off 392. About teen pregnancy: Only if they know they'll be able to take care of the baby 393. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years: With my husband in some country town 394. Who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: Nate, Elena, Kelsey, Jasmine, hopefully all my friends 395. About gay men: They're human too Section Twenty-One: 396. Do you have a website: I'm working on building one 397. Current weather right now: Cold as balls 398. Current time: 7:00 399. Last thoughts: Byyyye

[punkrock-streetlight-diy]

Darren Johns of Crazy Arm in interview

We just had an interview with Darren Johns (vocals / guitars) of Crazy Arm. They have a fantastic new album out on Xtra Mile Recordings!

How are you doing? I'm hanging in there, thanks, despite the never-ending anxiety. I was the same before Covid, to be honest, but now there's the added layer of social disconnection. It feels like I'm on auto-pilot most of the time. If I think too much about things, I start to question the point of my existence. Although, it's just been announced that the UK may be back to normal by mid-June, so there's light at the end of this hellish tunnel.

The world is on fire. What particularly annoys you right now the most? Where to start? The cops, the neo-Nazis, the neo-liberals and the super-rich. The hypocrisy and collusion of Western governments in the face of war crimes in Yemen and Syria. The abuse of human rights in Myanmar, China and the middle east. The global mistreatment of, and cruelty towards, refugees and migrants. The insanity of Brexit and the Tory scum who instigated it – how a huge, complex socio-economic decision was left in the hands of a manipulated and misinformed population is something I'll never come to terms with.

What reaction to the new album have you been most excited about so far? Critically-speaking, Classic Rock magazine describing the album as “Staggeringly ambitious” was right up there. But the reaction from fans and friends has been amazing, and a big relief. We didn't know what kind of world we were releasing this album into, or whether anyone gave a shit about us any more. Of course, releasing a new record during a global pandemic is probably one of the dumbest ideas we've ever had, but we just couldn't delay it any longer.

You have a special relationship with Eastern Europe and Larry And His Flask, don't you? With LAHF absolutely. They're lovely people, the best band to tour with and they have amazing songs. We struck up a great relationship with them over the years and I miss them dearly. A couple of them have formed a new band called Thirsty Work, which carries the Larry flame. Do we have a special relationship with Eastern Europe? I wasn't aware! We've had great times in the Czech Republic, especially playing Mighty Sounds Fest, but we've only toured other Eastern European countries once, which was pretty eventful. I'd love to go back and play/see more of the Balkans, along with the Ukraine and Russia.

Who are your favourite bands at the moment? I'm currently listening to Mogwai, Constantines, Propagandhi, Lana Del Rey, Elder, Murder By Death, The War On Drugs, Planes Mistaken For Stars, Wipers, Fucked Up, Weyes Blood, Woven Hand, X, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Ted Leo and Hot Snakes. That's my cycling and night-walking music.

Which acts from the UK should we check out? I'm totally out of touch, especially after the last 12 months. But I recommend Bob Vylan, Harker, The Skints, Commoners Choir, Waco, Petrol Girls, The Human Project, Sam Russo, Skinny Lister, Muncie Girls, Bad Breeding... And there's my other band, Tripper, who I play bass for. We made an album with Mike Watt recently which should be out this year, zombie apocalypse notwithstanding.

What has been your funniest tour experience so far? Not funny, but the oddest experience was when we unwittingly drove someone's pet cat from London to our hometown Plymouth (370km) when it had become trapped on our van's engine, clinging to the battery. I only noticed when I decided to check the water level about ten miles from home. Her owner took a train down the next day and picked her up. The poor kitty was in shock for a very long time but lived to purr the tale.

What's your favourite Against Me! song? 'Borne On The FM Waves Of The Heart'. Love it. New Wave was the album that got me into the band. They were promoting White Crosses when we toured with them in 2011 so I've got a soft spot for 'I Was A Teenage Anarchist', despite being a quinquagenarian anarchist. I understand the sentiment.

What comes to your mind when you think about Germany? Amazing little anarcho/punk pubs like the Cobra Bar and Onkel Otto in Hamburg; venues that were once Nazi fortresses; Gunnar Christiansen and Gunner Records, who put out our first two albums in Europe; the lovely Digger Barnes; Cornelius in Mainz; Eva Roelen and Berlin; playing an awesome wedding near Oldenburg; Heidelberg and Villa Nachttanz; Riez Festival; Robert Kasel in Koblenz; Blauer Engel in Lubeck; unbearable 40 degree summer heat; crazy, hilly autobahns; weighing food in service stations; endless plates of kartoffelsalat. So many brilliant memories. I just hope we get to do it all over again.

[adambstingus]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164620778542

[samanthasroberts]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

[allofbeercom]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

[majesticpossum]

1000 Question Challenge

Hey rats, I have decided to do the 1000 question challenge because I'm still at home and bored as hell so either read it or ignore idc.Because i did all of these bitches at once and it took me two hours i challenge all of you rats because i fucking hated that lmao. k bye.

1000 Question Survey  The Basics 1.) Your name:  Abigail

2.) Nicknames: Abby, Abs, and Abbers

3.) Do you like these nicknames?: Sure

4.) Location: USA- Indiana

5.) Age:18.

6.) Birthday: June 14th

7.) Zodiac sign: Gemini

8.) Parents names: Iige & Anne

9.) Siblings?: 2 younger brothers

10.) Pets:  I have 3 cats: Rudy, Oliver & Mary Francis, One Fish: Spoopy

11.) Number of rooms in your house: Like 18? Idk 12.) Religion: Catholic

13.) If so-practicing?: Yea Boi

14.) Male or Female?:  Female.

15.) Is your family close?: In a way

What are your favorite 16.) Foods: ITALIAN

17.) TV shows: Parks N Rec, 30 Rock, Arrested Development, New Girl, Grey’s Anatomy, Friends and basically anything else on my Netflix list

18.) Movies: Pulp Fiction, Narnia Movies, High School Musical, Evita, Mamma Mia and a lot 

19.) Actors: Dylan O’Brien 

20.) Actresses: Julie Andrews is my grandma 

21.) Books: I’m a Harry Potter girl. And Shane Dawson’s books are fab

22.) Artists: Little Mix, Halsey,  Drake and Beyonce 

23.) Types of Music: Everything but country lmao

24.) Video Games: MarioKart for days

25.) Computer Games: 2048??

26.) Outfits: I’m not about to post some ootd pics so no

27.) Stores: Vineyard Vines, Kohls, Charlotte Russe, Aerie and Pink lol

28.) Sports: Volleyball

29.) Colors: PINK

30.) Numbers: 10

31.) Websites: Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Moodle (lmao)

32.) Cartoons characters: Abbycadabby bitch

33.) TV Channels: Bravo & E!

34.) Made For TV Movies: GRUMP CAT’S CHRISTMAS

35.) Comedians: Zane Hijazi and all those people

36.) Comediennes: CHRISTINE SYDELKO 

37.) Hair products: All Aveda hunty ;)

38.) Makeup Products: I wear Sephore mascara and thats all

39.) Kind of Pens: The kind that let you write?

40.) Kind of Shows: Comedy 

41.) Pieces of Jewelry: Necklaces and Ear Rings

42.) Kinds of Soap: Organic

43.) Kinds of Shampoo: Aveda

44.) Game Systems: Wii I guess

45.) CD s: Anything by Beyonce fam

46.) Snacks: Tostitos 

47.) Past times: NAPS

48.) Things to do on the weekend: Sleep and be with my friends

49.) Magazines: Any celeb magazine is something I’ll read

50.) Animals: CATS

Clothing 51.) Favorite Brand of Clothing?: Vineyard Vines all day every day

52.) Favorite sweatpants: My HS Ones

53.) What is your everyday outfit?: Something last minute thrown together

54.) Do you wear a uniform to school?: I did

55.) Do you like it?: Depends on the day

56.) What is your favorite clothing store?: I already did this

57.) Do you try to dress like other people?:  Ya, 2008 Lady Gaga :]

58.) Do you consider yourself to be trendy?: In the snobby white house wife community? Probably, yea

59.) What kind of shoes do you wear?: Boots and Sperrys 

60.) Do you like funky shoelaces?: No

61.) Do you wear hats?: In the summer sometimes

62.) Do you wear a lot of jewelry?: My cross necklace and ear rings

63.) If so, what?: oh shit wrong line

64.) Do you wear belts?: Ha no

65.) Do you wear skirts?: Not since high school

66.) Do you wear revealing clothing?: Sometimes.. A girl’s gotta live

67.) Do you like the Eskimo look?: no

68.) Do you wear big pimpin coats?: no lol

69.) Do you carry a purse or bag?: purse

70.) If so, what is it like?: It’s a pink coach purse

School 71.) What are your grades like?: I got all A’s & B’s this semester 

72.) Do you wish you could change your performance in school?: I can always do better

73.) Are you failing anything?: no

74.) Do you take a language?: fuck no

75.) If so which language?: N/A

76.) Who is your favorite teacher?: My hipster Theo professor 

77.) Do you decorate your locker?: If by locker you mean dorm then yes

78.) Do you decorate your bookbag?:  Do I? no. Did Aerin? Yes.

79.) If so, with what?: she spilt a fuck ton of paint on it

80.) Do you draw on yourself in school?: no

81.) Do you doodle all over your notebooks?: In calc i did lol

82.) Do you take art?: not anymore

83.) Do you walk to school or are you driven?: I drive to campus but I walk to my classes

84.) Do you like school?: YES

85.) How big is your school?: Decently big

86.) Do a lot of your friends go to your school?: Pretty much

87.) Do you wish you could change schools?: Nope

88.) Are you on the Honor/Merit roll?: in high school i was on the honor roll but now its called the dean’s list

89.) Do you participate in school plays?: yesh

90.) Are you in any clubs/which ones?: Choir, Special Olympics, Yoga, IM Volleyball and something else I’m forgetting

Your Room (I’m gonna do my dorm) 91.) What color is your room?: White bc we can’t paint them

92.) Is it messy or clean?: usually in the middle

93.) What are on your bedsheets?: bright blue

94.) Do you have posters on your wall?: yes

95.) If so, of what?: I have a hamilton poster, and a shit ton of ND stuff lol go Irish

96.) Do you have a TV in your room?: Yes.

97.) A computer?: Yes, a laptop.

98.) A radio?: no

99.) An alarm clock?:Nope, I use a phone

100.) A stereo?: no

101.) What is under your bed?: tubs of extra clothes, food, and whatever else I need in college

102.) Do you have a big closet?: hell no

103.) Do you write on your walls?: Nope.

104.) Do you have any beads hanging up?: Nope.

105.) If so, what design?: ^^^^^

106.) Is your ceiling decorated?: ya

107.) If so, of what?:  these little star shaped stickers that glow in the dark

108.) Do you decorate your door?: yeah

109.) With what?: white board and flyers 

110.) Carpet? No, Wood floor

Music 111.) What are you favorite bands?: Little Mix is my current love

112.) Do you own a lot of CD s?: A good amount

113.) How many exactly?: Hell Idk

114.) Do you download music?: yes.

115.) What are your favorite songs?: PRIVATE SHOW BY LITTLE MIX IS MY JAM 

116.) Do you listen to the radio?: Only when I’m in the car.

117.) Do you like loud music?:  Love it. >:)

118.) Do you think its obnoxious when people drive down the street with their stereos all the way up blasting the kind of music you loathe?: Not really

119.) Do you like rap?: Sure

120.) Do you like country?: ugh no

121.) What TV shows are you glued to?: GREYS

122.) Are you a couch potato?: I invented the term

123.) Do you watch the news?: No but I do check Twitter

124.) Are you easily influenced by the people on TV?: Yes, Kim K i my god

125.) Who is your favorite TV star?: Kim K

126.) Do you watch late night TV?: Nah.

127.) Do you have more than 100 channels on your TV?: Yeh

128.) Do you actually care about any of those above 100?: idk

129.) Do you watch the Spanish channel just for fun?: Nope.

130.) What is your take on commercials?: I want to go into advertisement so I like them

131.) How big is your TV?: 42 inches

132.) Do you use a remote or change it manually?: remote

133.) When you see something on TV do you run out and buy it as soon as possible?: usually no

134.) Do you like dramas?: Yes.

135.) Do you like comedies?: Yes.

136.) Comedy Central-good or bad?: I’ve never really watched it.

137.) Are you obsessive over anyone on TV?: Dylan O’Brien is a hottie

138.) Do you watch any sports on TV/which ones?: Football and any other ND sport lol

139.) Do you watch music videos?:Sometimes.

140.) Do you like watching I Love the 80’s even if you weren’t living in the 80’s?: Never seen it 

Morals/Beliefs 141.) Religion?: Catholic

142.) Do you go to church regularly?:Erm.... sorta?

142.) Pro-life?: YEAH BABY (get it?)

143.) Pro-choice?: No

144.) Are you a virgin?: No

145.) Do you believe in God?:  Ya

146.) Jesus?: Is my main man

147.) Allah?: Nope, not my thing

148.) Buddha?: Nope, not my thing

149.) Do you have crosses hanging in your house?: Hella crosses lol

150.) Do you believe in the true meaning of Christmas ?: Yeah

Friends 151.) Who are your best friends?: Emma, Joel, Katie, Ayari, Joseph, Aerin, Bri, and all my dudes

152.) Do you have a lot of friends?: Yea

153.) Who is your funniest friend?: Either Aerin or Scott

154.) Craziest?: AERIN

155.) Weirdest?: Scott

156.) Prettiest: All of them

157.) Fanciest?: Joey

158.) Sportiest?: Emma or Katie

159.) Girliest?: All my girl friends

160.) Mellowest?: Max or Reilly 

161.) Stupidest?: ;)

162.) Smartest?: They all smart

163.) Thugest?: Idk maybe Greg? But even then he’s like a teddy bear

164.) Do you have a lot of acquaintances?: yeah

165.) Are you friends with any of your teachers?: From college? No. HS, yes

166.) Are you friends with any friends parents?: Yeah!

167.) Are you really outgoing only around your friends?:  I’m outgoing all the time, but more with my friends. 168.) Are you comfortable around your friends?: Very... a little too comfortable 

169.) Are you easily influenced by your friends?: Yes.

170.) Are you part of a clique?:in high school i was, now i’m a floater

171.) Do you make new friends easily?:  I think so.

172.) Do you have a lot of friends online?: no

173.) Where did you meet them?: N/A  

174.) Do you have a lot of LJ friends?: tf is that

175.) Do you sleep over at friends houses a lot?: Houses? no. Dorms? yea.

176.) Do you make yourself at home when you go to other friends houses?: sorta

177.) Do your friends rub off on you a lot?: Yes.

178.) Could you live one day without your friends?: NO

179.) Rate your social life on a scale of 1-10: 8.5

180.) How is this challenge  so far?: This takes forever 

This or That

181.)

Book bag

/Messenger bag

182.) Punk/Emo

183.)

Rock/Rap

184.)

Jay-Z

/Nas

185.) Justin/Clay 

186.) Ruben/Clay 

187.)

Cat

/Dog

188.) PS2/Xbox

189.)

DVD

s/VHS

190.)

Cds

/Tapes

191.) Big screen/small screen

192.)

Movies at home/in the theater

193.)

Popcorn/Candy

194.)

Jacket/Coat

195.) Real fur/

Fake fur

196.) sister/

brother

197.)

Home/House

198.) Espanol/Deutsch

199.)

Art/Computer

200.)

Laptop/Desktop

201.) Pepsi/

Coke

202.)

Orange/Apple

203.)

Phone/Computer

204.)

Email

/Letters

205.) Big/Small

206.)

Pizza/Ravioli

207.)

Baby/Toddler

208.) 16/

21

209.) CSI/

24

210.)

Superman/Spiderman

211.) Kilborn/Conan

212.) Letterman/Leno

213.)

SNL

/MadTV

214.) Flinstones/Jetsons

 216.)

Boxers

/Briefs

217.)

Pants

/Skirts

218.)

Skirts/Skorts

219.)

Fork

/Spoon

220.)

People/InTouch

Are you 221.) Gothic? no 222.) a freak? only in the sheets HAHAHAHAHA I'm sorry 223.) a computer nerd? (Not in the tech-y, gaming way, but just that I’m on the computer a lot) 224.) a science freak? Ha I WISH 225.) a sports fan? CHEER CHEER FOR OLE NOTRE DAME 226.) One of those people that sit in the back of the room during an exam and cough and sniff the whole time? no 227.) a class clown? no 228.) funny? hell yeah 229.) serious? depends 230.) intellectual? i wish 231.) an LOTR nerd? if that means lord of the rings then i am the farthest from it 232.) a failure? :’) 233.) a success? :”) 234.) a loser? Loser Like Me was the best song Glee ever did  235.) popular? Popular is the best song from Wicked 236.) lazy? yep 237.) outgoing? ya 238.) shy? nah 239.) friendly? yea 240.) easily annoyed? yep 241.) tolerant of others views? sure 242.) addicted to crack? damn you got me (no) 243.) addicted to any other drug? no 244.) a partier? sometimes  245.) naturally hyperactive? yes 246.) wild? no 247.) sporty? no 248.) smelly? no 249.) an insomniac? sometimes 250.) a procrastinator? YEAH 251.) a criminal? no 252.) a crackpot? no 253.) a bookworm? sorta 254.) hairy? no 255.) good at playing basketball? HA 256.) in high school? no 257.) in prison? no 258.) from mars? yea 259.) straight? yea 260.) gay? no

Random Questions 261.) Do you like frosted flakes?: no

262.) Are you easily mistaken as being someone of the opposite sex?: no

263.) Do you like nuns?: Yeah

264.) Is this survey getting on your nerves?: Slowly but surely yes

265.) Do you use correct English?: Yeah

266.) Hablar Espanol?: Sí

267.) Spien Deutsch?: tf

268.) Speak English?: yea

269.) Do you know what an aphrodisiac is?:no :((((

270.) Do you know what Draculas first name is?: Bob

271.) Do you like Russian names?: I think the name Silvia is pretty, I was on a volleyball team with a girl named Silva and she was great

272.) Like Vlad?:  Not particularly.

273.) Homer?: ? Not really.

274.) Are you a busy body?: no

275.) Do you like to glue quarters to the floor and see how many people try and pick them up and proceed to fail?: Nope.

276.) Do you like to go mini golfing dressed as old men?: I’ve never done that.

277.) Do you like to roller skate?: yes, but Im bad at it

278.) Who do you wish was president?: B E R N I E 

279.) What do you think of Pres. Bush?: I was too young at the time

280.) Do you play Roller Coaster Tycoon?: Ugh bringing back the memz

281.) Are you insecure?: no

282.) Are you influenced by ancient Greek culture?: Heavily.

283.) Roman culture?: ONLY ECCI ROMANI ;)

284.) What kind of architecture do you like?: the kind that stays up?

285.) What style architecture is your house?: idk rich white suburb?

286.) Do you like to shop in big cities?: YES

287.) Do you like to clean your room?: sure

288.) Do you hate when people sit in the back of the room during an exam and cough and sniffle the whole time to break your concentration?: No but I feel bad for them bc that sucks

289.) Do you think that clocks are dumb?: Nope.

290.) Does anybody really know what time it is?: It’s summer time.

291.) Does anybody really care?: yeah

292.) Who sings that song?: what song fam

293.) Do you like Chicago?: LOVE

294.) Does Nevada have a football team?: The state doesn’t but the college there does and BOY we KILLED them in Football 

295.) What did you get on the last big test you took? 97 on my Theo Exam bc Im a baller

296.) Do you pace in circles when you get nervous?: no

297.) Do you play with dolls?: no

298.) Do you like Star Trek?: I’ve never seen it.

299.) What’s 2+9+9?: 20

300.) Do you like filling out these surveys?: I used to this shit is too much am

Money 301.) Do you have a job?: Not at the moment, I’m a full time college student but I do work over breaks when I am home

302.) What do you do?: I was a waitress

303.) Does your boss like you?: She did when I worked

304.) How much do you get paid?: 10 an hour plus tips

305.) Do you have your own bank account?:Yes.

306.) Do you have a credit card?: Yea

307.) a checkbook?:Nope.

308.) Are you a big spender?:Yes.

309.) Do you go to the mall a lot?: All.The.Time.

310.) In an average week, how much money do you spend?: Maybe like $50.

311.) Do you know how much a peso would be worth in the United States today?:I have no idea.

312.) How about a Franc?: I don’t know.

313.) Do you really care?: Not particularly.

314.) Do you like your job if you have one?: I liked working there, I had a lot of friends

315.) If you don’t have one, do you wish you had one?: No Im in school now

316.) Do you wish you had more money?: doesn’t everyone?

317.) Why?: bc money is fun

318.) Would you rather be filthy rich with no friends or dirt poor with tons of friends and a dog?:  Dirt poor with a dog

319.) Do you have a cool wallet?: It’s Vera Bradley so ig 

320.) What is the largest amount of money you ever had in your possession at one time?: 2,000 in cash (My high school open house)

321.) What are you wearing?: PJ pants with a Bernie 2016 T shirt lmao

322.) What are you listening to?: My brother talk to my mom

323.) Who are you talking to?: No one

324.) What are you doing other than filling out this survey?: Hating myself for doing this challenge but I’m already on 324 so I can’t give up now

325.) How is your hair?: In braids

326.) Do you have anything on your feet?:  socks.

327.) Are you cold or warm?: WARMTH

328.) Do you have any jewelry on?: Ear Rings

329.) Do you have any makeup on?: LOL

330.) Name 4 things laying around your desk: Fish, Pen, IPad, Books

331.) Pick up a book laying near you and type a random sentence from a random page:  no fuck that

332.) Open a cabinet near you and describe what’s in it: that sounds like effort I don’t wanna give

334.) Should you be doing something else now?: No

335.) Why aren’t you doing it?: I don’t have anything to do.

336.) Is your room a mess now?: ehhhh

337.) Is your mom nagging at you to clean it?: no

338.) What are any people around you doing?: Mom is on the couch, brother j chillin and the cats are being cats

339.) Who are you thinking about right now?: my hand hurts from typing this shit

340.) Are you doing anything illegal?: no

Looks 341.) How much time do you spend on your appearance in the morning?: Usually about 30 minutes.

342.) Do you wear makeup regularly?: Mascara yeah

343.) If so, what?: bitch i just said

344.) Are your looks important to you?: MINE? yeah

345.) Do you want to change the way you look?: only that my hair would grow back quicker

346.) What would you change?: i.just.told.you.

347.) How do you usually wear your hair?: curly

348.) Do you dye your hair?:  no

349.) Do you straighten you hair?: Yes.

350.) What color is your hair naturally?: brown

351.) What is your eye color?: brown

352.) Do you wear colored contacts?: No

353.) Do you look like your parents?:Yes.

354.) Is that good or bad?:It’s good.

355.) Do you turn strange colors sometimes?: no, that would be bad

356.) Why?: what

357.) Do you have any piercings?: My ears.

358.) Any tattoos?: Nope.

359.) Ever gotten a makeover?: Yes.

360.) Do you experiment a lot with new looks?:  eh

Travel 361.) Have you ever been out of the country?: No

362.) Out of your state?: yes

363.) Out of your city?: Yes.

364.) Do you go on a vacation every year?: a couple times a year

365.) If so, to where and for how long?:  depends, we go somewhere for spring and fall break then a long summer vacation

366.) Have you ever ridden in a plane?: Yup.

367.) In a boat?:Yup.

368.) Do you visit relatives that live far away from you at all?: my aunt in her house in southern florida

369.) ON average, every week how many miles do you travel?: depends if I'm home then not too far and if i go back to school thats like 130 some miles

370.) do you drive? yes

Cars 371.) Favorite car?: A 2015 titanium flex fuel Ford Focus baby.. or a Tesla that my dad is getting :/

372.) Color for that car?: BLUE

373.) Do you have your license?:yes

374.) Permit?: i did once

375.) Do you like fast cars?: sure

Sleep 376.) How long so you sleep each night on average?: 8 or 9

377.) Is this enough?: sure

378.) Do you dream every night?: no

379.) Describe a weird dream you had: I made out with a teacher I had in High School

380.) Do you sleep in awkward positions?: Sometimes.

381.) do you sleep in school? not in class

382.) If so, do you wake up with different patterns all over your face from whatever you were laying on?: no

383.) What position do you usually wake up in?: on my side

389.) Does your alarm clock wake you up?: sadly 

390.) What kind of alarm clock do you have?: I use my phone.

Going Out 391.) How often do you go to parties?: not every weekend, but i go out enough to not be considered lame

392.) Are you a crazy party hopper?: depends on the parties I’m at

393.) Do you like wild parties with lots of people?: Dorm parties? no. House Party? sure.

394.) Are you a social butterfly?: I think so.

395.) Do you go clubbing?: I have been once

396.) Ever been drunk?: ;) 

397.) Ever get kicked out of a party?: Nope.

398.) For what?: N/A

399.) Do you throw a lot of parties?: No

400.) Do you go to the mall a lot?: Too much

401.) Do you go with a lot of friends?: I have never been to the mall alone

402.) Do you like going to arcades?: sure

403.) Is DDR a cool game?: Idk what that is

404.) What about those racing games?: not my thing

405.) How many parties have you been to in the last 3 months?: maybe 4? If you don’t count laid back christmas parties

406.) How many formal dances have you been to in the last year or so?: I guess 3 if you count Prom and Home Coming in hs then formal in college

407.) Do you dress up when you go out?: yeppers

408.) Do you go to see a lot of movies on the weekend?: not really

409.) Who has the best parties?: Joey Dating and Stuff 410.) Are you involved romantically with anyone right now?: Yes.

412.) Do you wish you were with someone right now?: I wish  I was with my boyfriend, he lives far away 413.) Do you have a secret crush?: no

414.) Who?: N/A

415.) Do they know?: N/A

416.) How many people have you dated in the passed year?: two

417.) Kissed in the past year?: two

418.) Do you know what 143 means?: no

419.) How many people have you said “I love you” to?: one

420.) Did you mean it?: at the time i did

421.) If you didn’t mean in, why did you bother saying it?: no

422.) Do you say I Love You to your friends all the time?: yeah

423.) Where do you go out on dates?: Dances, Dinner, Movie Nights, Lunches, or anything really. 

424.) What’s the most fun date you ever had?: Stephen (my boyfriend) and I went to this really cool shopping area by our schools and it was just a lot of fun

425.) If you break up with someone do you cry your heart out while listening to breakup songs and then in an hour your fine again with a new love-buddy?: Honestly depends

Would Win In a Fight? 426.) Britney or Christina 427.) Justin or JC 428.) Frodo or Sam  429.) B2K or Nsync 430.) Cartman or Bart Simpson 431.) Dracula or Frankenstein 432.) Triumph or Simon Cowell 433.) Conan or Jay 434.) Rosie O Donnell or Boy George 435.) Carmen Electra or Pamela Anderson 436.) Tommy Lee or the guy who’s married to Carmen Electra right now  437.) Bill O'Reilly or Chris Matthews 

Inspiration 438.) Who are your heroes?: This woman I’ve grown up knowing, she is a holocaust survivor.

439.) Why do you look up to them?: she was in the fucking holocaust 

440.) Do you wish you could be just like them?: i do not want to go through the holocaust 

441.) State the most inspiring quote you know: “fuck bitches get money”

442.) Do your parents inspire you?: Totally

443.) Do any of your friends inspire you?: yeah

More Random Questions 444.) Are nutri-grain bars good or bad?: Never had one 445.) Do you eat a lot of donuts? hell yeah

446.) What kind?: ALL

447.) Do you like chocolate?: too much

448.) Has your uncle ever gone to jail for unpaid parking tickets?: no

449.) Do you see dancing giraffes and living gnomes in your sleep?: I’m sick of this bullshit challenge 

450.) Do you like headphones that go in your ears or stay out?: stay out

451.) Do you like mini blinds?: I’m not sure if i know what that means

452.) Have you ever broken your mini blinds with a hanger?:  once again: what?

453.) Have you ever gotten into a violent fit of rage and tried to murder someone?: no

454.) How is this survey so far?: ugh

.455.) Do you like the movie Fantasia ?: it’s just kinda there

What s Your Take On 456.) Life: it is too short

457.) The world: it would be a much better place if Julie Andrews ran it

458.) President Bush: okay when was this even made

459.) Ahhhhnold: pardon?

460.) Gary Coleman running for governor: GARY FROM SPONGEBOB IS COOL

461.) Howard Stern: isn’t he the bald guy from America’s Got Talent and Deal or No Deal?

462.) The war in Iraq: I wish it wasn’t a thing

463.) the economy: fuck AP Macro

464.) jay-z retiring: but Bey is still going strong ;)))

465.) school: I like school

466.) going to college: ITS THE BEST

467.) marriage: is for everyone! love is love!

468.) football: ND or die

469.) baseball: ND or die

470.) people cutting themselves for pleasure: people do that? 471.) Pick your nose? don't do that 472.) Untie your shoe laces every time you take your shoes off? lol 473.) Fart a lot? my brother does lol 474.) Burp a lot? my brother does lolz 475.) Do stupid things in public? me when I'm drunk 476.) Terrorize innocent people on golf courses? why did my mind go to Troy and Gabriella in HSM2 477.) Have random hallucinations? do hugs not drugs 478.) Wear shirts with quotes on them? :/ 479.) Wear patches and/or pins on your clothing? it isn’t 2003 480.) Wear leg warmers? it isn't 1980 481.) Sing in the shower? hell yeah 482.) Play any card game? sure 483.) Sleep with a teddy bear? Patrick Grisley <3 484.) Take your pet for a walk? I have cats and a fish bro 485.) Have a snake? I would 486.) Have webbed feet? I am not a duck 487.) Wear colorful socks? sure 488.) Have a life? I think I have that 489.) Drink coffee? I drink to much 490.) Drink tea? yea!

Internet 491.) What are your screen names?: abbycadabby bitch or majesticpossum 492.) Emails?: guess.

493.) Do you have a website?:no

494.) Do you have a live journal or dead journal?: leave the journals alone

495.) Do you ever get off the computer?: at this point in this challenge I’ll die on the computer

496.) What are your favorite websites?: Vineyeardvines.com 

497.) What are your favorite online stores?: see questions 496

498.) Do you buy a lot of stuff online?: ;))))))))

499.) If so, what?: clothes... a lot of it

500.) What’s the last thing you bought online?: Ear rings 

501.) Do you have a lot of online friends?: no

502.) Have you ever met any of them in person?: no

503.) Who’s the best person to talk to online?: i don’t talk to people

504.) Do you ever catch yourself using computer language outloud?:I say lol too much or smh

505.) Do you use AIM, ICQ, Yahoo, MSN ?: LOL HUNTY its 2017

506.) What’s your desktop background?: Me, Ayari, Katie and Aerin on a couch

507.) What’s your AIM icon?: N/A

508.) How many hours do you spend online in a week on average?: too many

509.) Do you have a webcam or a mic?: in my computer I do

510.) If your computer shut down for a week, would you die?: If i was at school I would

Presents 511.) What’s the best present you’ve ever received?:  The gift of life

512.) What’s the worst present you’ve ever received?: The gift of life 

513.) Do you think it’s better to give than to receive?:  I just thought of that in a sexual way

514.) Do you feel guilty when people get you a great present, but you didn’t get them one?: I always give people presents fam

515.) Do you make up a lie to cover it up?: no

More Favorites 516.) Favorite radio station: 99.5 WZPL or the LA and NY Sirus Pop channels 

517.) Favorite day of the week:  FRIDAY

518.) Favorite fruit: strawberries fuck me up

519.) Favorite vegetable: Spinach.

520.) Favorite lunch meat: :/

521.) Favorite candy bar: All

522.) Favorite nail polish:  Essie.

523.) Favorite chair: my chair at home is hella comfy

524.) Favorite early morning show: I sleep through the mornings 

525.) Favorite morning talk show host:  Ellen?

526.) Favorite writing paper: college ruled no doubt 

527.) Favorite section of the newspaper: the comics

528.) Favorite sibling (if you have any): I like them both

529.) Favorite distant relative: My aunts

530.) Favorite dessert: all

531.) Favorite weather: warm and sunny

532.) Favorite season: Summer.

533.) Favorite shoe brand: SPERRY

534.) Favorite lunch: Anything with mozzarella sticks 

535.) Favorite breakfast: FRENCH TOAST STICKS

536.) Favorite author: John Green 

537.) Favorite place to see concerts: Lucas Oil Stadium or Stephan Center

538.) Favorite band to see live: 1D bitches

539.) Favorite survey you’ve ever gotten: fuck you

More This or That 540.) Nike/Adidas 541.) Alone/With friends 542.) Work/Have off 543.) Pomegranate/Persimmon 544.) Raspberry/Blueberry 545.) Cheech and Chong/Abbot and Costello 546.) Acid/Shrooms  547.) Who/The Who 548.) Older/Newer 549.) Regular pretzel/Pretzel log 550.) Have sex/Make love   Bitch they both fun tf

Have you ever 551.) Used a swear word the wrong way and made it sound completely stupid? probably  552.) Skipped school? ;) 553.) Done drugs? no 554.) Been drunk? ;)) 555.) Been so drunk you couldn’t remember your own name? No, I keep my wits about me 556.) Had to look after someone who was on drugs? no 557.) Gone insane? probably  558.) Been in the hospital over night? yea 559.) Been in a car accident? yea 560.) A bike accident? yea  561.) Broken a bone? no but I'm about to knock on some wood 562.) Sprained a wrist or an ankle? i don't think so? 563.) Been online for more than 8 hours at one shot? probably  564.) Loved somebody so much it made you cry? YES 565.) Watched TV for more than 11 hours straight? oh hell yeah, i probably did that today 566.) More than 12 hours? yeah 567.) How about 5 hours? yeah 568.) Slipped in public and had everyone laugh at you? yes 569.) Passed out from hunger? no 570.) Been to a LAN party? and that is...?

Other Stuff 571.) Do you like going to basketball games?: If its ND then hell yea

572.) How about swim meets?: fuck that

573.) Tennis matches?: never been 

574.) Do you like Family Feud?: well I don’t hate it

575.) The ones with Richard?: is that a dick joke

576.) How about Match Game?: never seen it?

577.) Do you watch Game Show network regularly?: Nope.

578.) Do you believe in dream catchers?: not really but they can't hurt ya know

579.) Do transvestites appeal to you?: I support the cause 

580.) Have you ever been to New York City?: Yes.

581.) Do you wish you could live somewhere else?: Washington DC

582.) Do you dress in different ways to look like other people?: no

583.) Yes or No: Christina Aguilera has talent: yeah

584.) Do you like TiVo?:  I’ve never had it

585.) Do you have a TiVo?: Nope

586.) VCR s or DVD players?: DVD players.

587.) Are you an animal rights activist?: Hell yeah

588.) A vegan?: no

589.) Vegetarian?: no but I was for a year

590.) What do you want to be when you grow up?:  Marketing person

Do you know 591.) Who won the Super Bowl last year?: BRONCOS BABY LETS GO

592.) Two years ago?: I wanna say Seahawks

593.) Who hosted Family Feud after Richard?: Steve Harvey!

594.) The author of “Frankenstein”?: FUCk i knew this last year we did it 

595.) Who the Canadian Prime Minister is?: the really cool guy who supports the LGBT movement. sorry reilly i don't know am

596.) The Queen of England?: Queen Elizabeth

597.) Prime Minister of Britain?: I don’t know since he stepped down

598.) Espanol?: a little

599.) Deutsch?: no 600.) Japanese?: no 601.) Français?: no 602.) Chinese?: no 603.) Portuguese?:no 604.) (If you don’t, do you wish you knew any of these languages?): probably all of them

606.) The capital of the US?:  Washington, DC.

607.) All of the Canadian provinces?: ONTARIO....thats all I know. I have a friend from Toronto 

608.) The two most commonly used languages in the world?: English and maybe Chinese? 

609.) How to fly a kite?: yea 610.) How to surf?:  yeah, but not well 611.) Skateboard?: no 612.) How about rollerblade?: lmao no but my dad did in college 613.) What year the Korean war started?: ....

Emotions 614.) What is the one thing in the world that makes you teary eyed?:Those sad ASPCA commercials

615.) Happy eyed?: CATS

616.) What song always makes you sad?: Moments by one direction 

617.) Happy?: All Night Longer by Sammy Adams

618.) Which person always makes you really happy?: Stephen!

619.) Really depressed?: my ex

620.) Are you a really emotional person?: YeS

621.) Are you a naturally depressed person?: during the winter i am

622.) A naturally happy person?: I think so

623.) How long does it take you to overcome a bad emotion?: Sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes days. 

624.) What do you do?: cry

625.) What song do you think was written about your life?:  Wonderland by Taylor Swift.

The Last Person To 626.) Who was the last person to hug you?: My dad

627.) Talk to you?: My mom

628.) IM you?: i cant remember 2003

629.) Touch you physically?: does that mean sexually 

630.) Touch you emotionally?: idk

631.) Hurt you?: probably me because I run into everything

632.) Make you feel gooooood?: ;) stepho 

633.) Scold you?: probs my parents 

634.) Praise you?: also my parents 

635.) Say “Hello” to you?: my brother. he literally was singing the Adele song

Weaknesses 636.) Are you secure with yourself?: I have my moments

637.) What do other people think of you?: They think Im bubbly 

638.) What kind of person do you see yourself as?: Awkward but means well

639.) What is your one maaaaajjoooorrrr weakness?: I get attached way to easily

640.) Do you consider yourself to be a strong person?: eh

641.) A weak person?: ehh

642.) Are you stressed out?: pretty much always

643.) If someone insults you, can you just brush it off or move on?:yeah but I get petty as hell

644.) Do you hold grudges against others that insult you?: not really

645.) If you are sitting in class and you say something really dumb or do something really stupid and everyone starts laughing at you, can you brush it off easily?: I probably will blush and then cry

MORE Random Stuff 671.) Name all the Teletubbies in order right now no thinking: Tinky Winky, Po and Lala 

672.) Do you like to blurt out random sayings in a conversation for no reason?: oh hell yeah

673.) Do you talk Simmish?: what

674.) Oday ouyay peaksay igpay atinlay?: bitch what the fuck even..

675.) Isn’t pig latin the best?: fuck off

676.) Do you have a distinct smell?: my perfume

677.) Do you know anyone who has a distinct smell that you wish you could bottle and make a perfume or something?: no

678.) Have you ever read Gone With the Wind?: part or it

679.) Did you ever have a crazy eighth grade teacher?: all of them

680.) Are you in an asylum?: Nope.

681.) College?: yeah

682.) What is your favorite scent?: Flowery 

683.) Do you eat chocolate?: ALWAYS

684.) Where is your favorite restaurant?: anywhere with mozzarella sticks 

685.) What is the best feeling in the world?: orgasm LMAO

686.) What is the worst feeling in the world?: not orgasming LMAO

687.) Do like Spongebob?:Yes!

688.) Do you think he s gay?: spongebob?

689.) How about Squidward? A little off track?: he’s a tad gay

690.) Do you like to make up stupid excuses in school like “I was too busy getting raped by a bull to do my homework”?: i’m honestly triggered by this questions wtf

691.) Do you do your homework every night?: yesssssss

692.) Do you usually get a lot?: yea

693.) “OOOOOO poor baby”: okay literally fuck off

694.) Have you ever been French kissed by a dog?: ;))))))

695.) Have you ever fed a dog or cat out of your mouth?: surprisingly no

696.) Ever eaten a doggie biscuit?: ... I dont wanna talk about it

697.) Don’t you wish they would make them for humans too?: no

698.) Where is your second home?: my dorm lmao

699.) Are dollar stores cool?: hell yeah

700.) How many phone numbers do you have memorized that you don’t need to look up?: maybe like 3

701.) Do you wish your teeth would get whiter?: sure

702.) Can you do the limbo?: smh

703.) Do you make New Year’s Resolutions?: HA no

Which Friend 704.) Has the best taste in music?: Katie because it is exactly like mine 

705.) Has the coolest name?: Ayari 

706.) Has the best taste in movies?: Not Michael lmao

707.) Has the nicest hair?: Joseph has got some quality hair

708.) Has the fittest body?: me bitch

709.) Do you hang out with most?: All of them 

710.) Has the coolest parents?: idk

711.) Lives closest to you?: they all live either in Northern Indiana or out of state 

712.) Lives the farthest from you?: Joseph, in LA

713.) Can you relate to most?: Katie

714.) Is the best for advice on anything?:Greg

715.) Can you make you laugh the easiest?: Aerin or Joseph

Word Association! 716.) blow: job 717.) lollipop: i want one 718.) obnoxious: me 719.) cold: water 720.) hot: mess 721.) smell: Goof 722.) car: wash? 723.) rain: freezing  724.) wet: ;) I'm sorry i need to chill but its been a month since I've seen my boyfriend so SUE me 725.) steamy: see questions 724 726.) bite: hickeys 727.) beer: i need one 728.) rock: HARD ROCK 729.) hard: ROCK HARD ROCK 730.) soft: pillows

OK Here’s the dirty part oh shit whaddup 731.) Have you ever played a game that required the removal of clothing?: sex?

732.) What’s your favorite place to be kissed?: anywhere within reason

733.) Are you a tease?: LOL thats the one thing I’ve got going for me

734.) Spit or swallow:  Swallow don't be a prude 

More “Do you” 735.) Twirl your hair? yes 736.) Hate yourself? no 737.) Want to kill yourself? no 738.) Dream of death and blood and gore? no 739.) Go into frequent fits of depression and/or rage? no 740.) Touch your face a lot? yes 741.) Watch MTV? sometimes  742.) Have any lesbian/gay/bi friends? yes 743.) Consider yourself tolerant of other people’s differences? yes 744.) Wish you could fly? eh 745.) Wish you could be invisible? eh 746.) Read minds? yes 747.) Watch wrestling? fuck no 748.) Like filling out love surveys? fuck this 749.) Work out? yes 750.) Play any sports?yes

More Have You Ever 751.) Gotten a DUI? no 752.) A speeding ticket? thank god no 753.) Been in a fist fight? no 754.) Participated in a backyard wrestling match? no 755.) Considered a life as a criminal? no 756.) Held a gun? yes 757.) Considered prostituting yourself for money? college is hard 758.) Been used? no 759.) Been rejected? yeah 760.) Experimented with homosexuality? no 761.) Threw up on a roller coaster? no 762.) Laughed so hard you peed your pants? yes 763.) Slept more than 13 hours straight? hell yeah 764.) Tackled the mailman? no  765.) Laugh so hard you cried? no 766.) Been on the phone for more than 5 hours straight? no 767.) Done crack? no 768.) Done cocaine? no  769.) Passed out during school? yes 770.) Had unprotected sex? no

More Random Questions!!!!!!!!!! 771.) Do you know what boricua/moricua/morena mean?: bitch WHAT

772.) What language is spoke in Brazil?:  Portuguese.

773.) Can you name all 32 football teams in the NFL?: yes but I'm not gonna do that now

774.) How about every baseball team in MLB?:  fuck No.

775.) Do you like hot dogs?: Yes.

776.) Are baseball games fun?: sure

777.) Is 7 a lucky number?:  Sure.

778.) Do you believe in Ouiji boards?: idk

779.) Have you ever played a guitar?: yeah

780.) Do you have dreams about becoming famous?:  yes

781.) Do you like U2?: YES

782.) Has anyone ever asked you about U2 and you responded “I LOVE U2!” and the other person got really confused?: no

783.) Do you own a CD by the Beatles?: yes 

784.) Do you straighten your hair?:  Yes.

785.) Do you wear sweat pants?: i live in them

786.) Do you wear black lipstick?: lmao

787.) What kind of headphones do you have?:  The Apple earbuds that came with my iPhone.

788.) Do you use your portable CD player a lot?: not since 2008

789.) How often do you need to buy a new CD player?: not since 2007

790.) What is the CD in your CD player right now?:  I don’t think anything.

791.) How often do you change your underwear?: every day if not twice 

792.) Are you addicted to popping pimples?: no

793.) Do you ever slip and accidentally say “pimping popples” instead of “popping pimples”?: bitch what

794.) Do you have a walk in closet?: yes

795.) Did you ever get stuck in a closet while listening to “Harder to breathe” or whatever by Maroon 5?: no

796.) Do you pray daily?: not always 

797.) If you die right now what will happen to you?:  Well that would suck

798.) Are you paranoid?: yes

799.) Do you go to thrift stores to shop?: no

800.) Have you ever seen a used pair of underwear for sale?:  no but lets not do that people 

Which One Are You? 801.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle: the rat thing thats on the show

802.) Power Ranger: The pink one.

803.) Rugrat: angelica 

804.) Powerpuff Girl: Bubbles.

805.) Villain: Darth Vader bitches

Do You Own 806.) A cell phone? yes 807.) A CPR certification card? no 808.) A Member s Only jacket? no 809.) A book over 900 pages long? yes 810.) A porno? no 811.) A gun? my family does  812.) A pair of toe socks? no 813.) A portable DVD player? no  814.) A Michael Bolton CD? no 815.) A car? yes  816.) A trucker hat? no 817.) A pair of cut-off shorts? yes  818.) A wife beater? lmao probably  819.) A butcher knife? yes 820.) A pocket knife? no  821.) A Rolex? my dad does 822.) A bike? no  823.) A thong? yes  824.) A bikini? no  825.) A speedo (guys)? i am woman 826.) Anything from Tijuana? no 827.) A drum set? no  828.) An electric guitar? 829.) A signed photo of anyone famous? yes 830.) Any of the “Rocky” movies? no

More Random Questions 831.) Do you have fleas?: No

832.) Quote Aladdin in any way: “Too Close” in the beginning when the camera is in the salesmen’s face 

833.) Did you ever play backyard baseball in real life?:  yea

834.) How big is your backyard?:  not big at all

835.) Do you like hairy backs?:  bitch no

836.) Hairy chests?: i personally believe too much is gross but none at all is gross too

837.) Are you attracted to older men/women?: I have never dated someone younger than me

838.) Do you wish you had more hair?:  i wish it was longer

839.) What does Prilosec treat?: is that a word

841.) Are you on any medication?: allegories 

842.) Do you have asthma?: used to

843.) Do you have an inhaler?:  i did

844.) Do you use your inhaler more than 5 times a week?: No

845.) Do you think you need to take medication for this disorder?: what disorder

846.) When was the last time you got a haircut?: last week

847.) What is your hair length?: my boobs

848.) Do you know how to change a tire?: no

849.) Do you know how to change oil in a car?: no but i know how to check it a car needs oil thanks to Stephen and Bri’s shit car

850.) Did a ring ever turn your finger purple/blue/green?: no

851.) Have you ever taken a bus ride to another state?: no

852.) Have you ever taken a bus to the mall?:no

853.) Do you like the show Recess?: thats a blast from the past

854.) What’s your take on the show Judge Judy?: Literal Queen

855.) When did WW2 start?: 1941

856.) When did it end?: 1945

857.) What is your nationality?: American

858.) Where did your family come from?: Germany and England 

859.) Have you ever been to Hell?:  by hell do you mean Florida in the summer?

860.) Do you believe there is a Satan?:  yea

861.) Do you believe in angels?: yes!

862.) Do people always tell you that you look stoned?: people say i act stoned 

863.) What percentage of the time are you actually NOT stoned?: 100%.

864.) Do you like to say random words during conversations like “naked” to get people s reactions?: no

865.) Do you own any NKOTB merchandise?: what that mean

866.) Have you ever gotten the urge to bang any member from Menudo?: idk what that is

867.) Aren’t those Menudo kids soooooooooooooo sexy?: I  don’t even know who they are.

868.) Do you constantly use away messages even if you are gone for 3 days at one shot?:  Nope.

869.) Do you collect anything?:Those pins you get at disney world 

870.) Have you ever made a bong from an exhaust pipe?: no

871.) Do you have pothead neighbors?: no

872.) Which is your favorite toe?: my pinky toe 

873.) Favorite finger?:  middle ;))))

874.) How many wisdom teeth do you have?: 3

875.) Do you have a Kidz Bop CD?: I don’t hate myself 

876.) Do you like to watch the Kidz Bop commercials just because they’re so sad and stupid?: no

877.) Have you ever made out with someone of the same sex?: no

878.) If you answered yes to 877, WHY????????!!!: N/A

879.) Do you grind a lot?: at parties.. drunk.. with my boyfriend 

880.) Do you like to grate cheese?: grates are scary

881.) Can you sing the Oscar Meyer jingle?: YES

882.) Are you related to someone famous through only 3 degrees of seperation?: what

883.) How about 5 degrees of seperation?: bitch

884.) OK be honest how’s the survey so far?: never ending.

885.) Do you usually like to answer all the questions on surveys?: no

886.) What time is it?: 10:09

887.) Do you use the word uber a lot?: kinda

888.) Do you pretend like you know other languages when you really don’t?: no

889.) Can you take a crap in other people’s houses without feeling awkward?: NO

890.) Have you ever overflowed a toilet in public?:no

891.) What did you do?:  N/A

892.) Have you ever heard an old lady say “Fire truck”?: what

893.) Do you swear like a sailor?:  yep lmao

894.) Do you think it’s sassy when people of the opposite sex swear every once in a while when they usually don’t?:  no

895.) Can you sit on the toilet and take a poo?:  can you not do that..?

896.) What term do you like to use for poo the most:  crap

897.) What does PMS stand for?:  Premenstrual syndrome 

898.) Do you like to inhale potpourri?:  I mean it smells good ig

899.) Can you say the alphabet backwards without stopping?: nope

900.) How far can you count on your fingers?:  10.

901.) Are outhouses or porta potties ok for you?: fuck no

902.) What is the funniest portapotty company name you have ever seen?: idk

903.) How many people are on your AIM buddy list?: buddy get out of 2005 

904.) Do you like the Godfather movies?: I’ve only seen one

905.) How about Good Fellas?:  Never seen it.

906.) Watch the Sopranos?:  Nope.

907.) Does the mobster life appeal to you?:mobster......Lobster

908.) Do you know anyone in the mob?: 10000% sure my old boss is

909.) Have you ever woken up to find a horse head laying in your bed?: lmao

910.) If you could rename your town to be anything you want, what would you name it?: DirtyBurg

911.) Osama Bin Laden: dead or alive?: I’m triggered this is question 911

912.) Do you wear a lot of bright colors?: no

913.) Do you watch day time soaps?:  no but i feel like i should

914.) Do you watch Cartoon Network?:  Nope.

915.) Do you use a calculator?: yea

916.) What kind is it?: TI-85???

917.) Do you like pizza to be delivered to you?: hell yeah

918.) Did you ever have to do a science project?:  Yup.

919.) Don’t they suck?: yeah.

920.) Did you ever have to help a family member with a science project?: sadly

921.) Do you help out at the Special Olympics?: I do actually 

922.) Do you know anyone with mental disabilities?:  Yes.

923.) Are you a racist?: no

924.) When you go to restaurants do you eat a lot or try and minimize you intake? food is good

925.) Do you diet?: HA

926.) Do you have trouble sticking to promises?: not really

Hygiene 927.) How often do you shower?: every day

928.) Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?:  Yes.

929.) How often do you wash your face?: every night and morning

930.) When you bleed do you use a band aid?: Yes.

931.) Do you wash your cuts out with soap and water?: no

932.) Do you wash your hair every day?: yeah

933.) Do you blow your nose a lot?: no

934.) Do you cough a lot?: not unless I'm sick

935.) If so, do you cover your mouth or let the germs fly?:  I usually cough into my arm.

936.) Do you wear deodorant regularly?:  Yes.

Issues 937.) Do you have any type of mental disability?: I have an anxiety disorder

938.) Do you have OCD?: no

939.) Do you have ADHD?:  Nope.

940.) Are you on any medication for any mental disorder?:no

941.) Do you suffer from anxiety or depression?: anxiety 

942.) Do you get sick really often and for long periods of time?: no

943.) Have you ever had the chicken pox?: Nope.

944.) The monkey pox?:  Nope.

945.) The mumps?:  Nope.

946.) The measles?: Nope.

947.) Did you ever have a hole in your heart?: thats an episode of Grey’s Anatomy 

The Last Set of Random Questions 948.) Have you ever been on TV?: Yup.

949.) Have you ever been on the radio?: Yup.

950.) In the newspaper?: Yup.

951.) Have you ever been quoted by anyone at all?: Yup.

952.) Do you watch Saved By The Bell?: I used to.

953.) Did you cry when Mr. Rogers died?: I didn’t know until later

954.) Did you ever see the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit?: yea

955.) Do you think Frank Zilinski is a moron?: what

956.) Throw me some Polish names: no

957.) What size shoe do you have?: 8

958.) How many pairs of shoes do you have?: I would say like 20

959.) How big is your wardrobe?: Decently large.

960.) How much do you weigh?: 105 pounds.

961.) How tall are you?: 5'9".

962.) Do you have cankles?: Nope.

963.) Do you have fat wrists?: Nope.

964.) Fat thighs?: Nope.

965.) Do you shave your toes?: no

966.) Do you shave your legs?: Yeah.

967.) How often?: All the time

968.) How about those armpits?: Yes.

969.) Are you a germaphobe?: Kind of.

970.) How many legs does an octopus have?: 8.

971.) How many legs do you have?: 2.

972.) Do you have braces?: Nope, but i used to

973.) Are you getting sick of these questions?: YES

974.) Do you snort when you laugh?: Not really.

975.) Do you snore?: no

976.) Do you have your own room?: Yes.

977.) Do you have an overactive bladder?: Nope.

978.) How about an overactive pooper?: Nope.

979.) Have you ever had an out of body experience?: what

980.) Do you know who Tim Burton is and/or do you like him?: yes and eh

981.) How about Tim Curry?: eh

982.) Are you ticklish?: yes but not as bad as my boyfriend lmao

983.) Do you have a gay uncle?: try aunt 

984.) A lesbian aunt?: lmao yes

985.) Do you like salad?: Yes.

986.) Have you ever been to a Farmers Market?: Yes.

987.) Ever been to a pig auction?: No thank god

988.) Are you artsy?: sorta?

989.) Do you like to eat pie?: Yeah.

990.) Do you like to say “no pun intended” for no reason?: no i don't hate myself 

991.) What’s your favorite pie flavor?: sugar cream bitches

992.) Do you like ice cream cake?: I LOVE IT.

993.) Is the glass half empty or half full?: fuck this

994.) Who was the Lone Ranger’s, nephew’s, horse?: bitch

995.) Do you like cheese?: yes bc thats whats in mozzarella sticks

996.) Do you know Eric Shaun?: Np

997.) Do you think that last question was really lame?: bitchhhhh

998.) Did you think this whole survey was really lame?:

yes

999.) Was it a waste of your time?: YES

1000.) Do you waste a lot of time doing stupid pointless things when you should be doing more important things: I hate that this is the last question

thank god thats over