#i think these are the best two but maybe theres another secret hidden one im not thinking about...

[dirtycreekwater]

Running Away Is Easy

Buck’s hidden it really well but he hasn’t been himself since the lawsuit. so he decides literally following in his sister’s footsteps is what would be best for everyone.

word count: 734

part one. part two. part three. part four.

tw • neglect mention, violence mention, accident/injury mention. natural disaster/drowning mention, ptsd/dissociation type symptoms, anxiety/depression/insecurity themes • tw

a/n: this was originally going to just be a one shot song fic for time moves slow but then listening to to build a home gave me an idea on how to make it a lil series so enjoy lol also im sorry if theres ever any parts that don’t make sense i wrote this when i was sleep deprived and tbh thats usually how im able to write lmfao

——————————————————

I found you at the window again

Looking out, watching the leaves falling in

And it was something like a dream

Wow, so perfect, couldn't talk to me

Buck wasn’t entirely sure when he had made up his mind. Maybe it was during the aftermath of the lawsuit. Maybe it was when he learned his parents kept a huge secret from him and never really wanted him. Maybe it was when Bobby tore into him for basically painting a target on his chest. Maybe it was when Chimney lost control and hit him. Or maybe it was one of the times Eddie falls quiet in his presence, and simply watches the world go by.

Time moves slow

When you're all alone

Sometimes Buck swears he’s still under the ladder truck, and everything that’s happened since has all been a vivid hallucination. He almost wished that were true. Maybe there’s a version of himself that didn’t fuck everything up beyond total repair.

And the time moves slow

When you're out on your own

Other times Buck feels like he’s drowning. Like the waves of the tsunami pulled him under, and he never resurfaced; he’s constantly struggling against the force and he can never swim fast enough.

And the time moves slow

When you're missing a friend

Things seemed to have gone back to normal from an outside perspective. To him though his family has never felt the same.

And the time moves slow

When you came to the end

At this point Buck was on autopilot, just moving through the motions. To others he seemed fine. Like Buck 3.0.

He had never felt more numb.

Running away is easy

It's the leaving that's hard

Logistically, Buck knew his decision to leave and start over wouldn’t be too difficult. He’s done it so many times before he’s lost count. It was different now though. He finally had a real family, a stable job. People to come home to. Was he really going to leave that all behind? It may not be the same anymore, but it’s still something. And maybe something was all he needed. Just anything to hold on to. Even if his grasp was slipping more and more everyday. It was lonely but it was tangible and reachable. Nothing else existed outside of this bubble he’s created. It was all a concept. A what if.

Running away is easy

It's the living that's hard

He just wasn’t really sure if he was truly living anymore. Was trying to hold onto something that could so easily be taken away worth it? Bobby would probably give him that look, and say yes. Yes, of course it’s worth it. Hold it as tight as you can. You’ll regret it if you’re the one to let go.

And loving you was easy

It was you leaving that scarred

Bobby’s advice wouldn’t help much though. So many people have left him already. Maddie abandoned him and then left again, Chimney basically left twice; the punch was the first loose thread, leaving tore everything to shreds. Eddie never physically left, but does that matter when it constantly feels like he’s pulling away?

But what was I to do?

Just couldn't help myself falling in love with you

And what could I say?

Oh, if I had another chance

To make you stay

'Cause when you ran away

I knew just what you were thinking that day

You just didn't love me like I do

Like I love you

To think Eddie could ever love him back was foolish; a pipe dream.

The sad thing is we're better off this way

Time moves slow

When you can't have a thing

Time moves slow

When you're lost in the dream

Time moves slow

When you wait by the phone

His decision was final. He wasn’t going to drag anyone down with him anymore.

Buck set his car keys down onto the counter, grabbed his luggage, and made his way out of the loft that never quite felt like home.

And as if Sunny California was mocking him, rain poured down his back as he rushed to catch the next bus out of the city.

His phone managed to survive the torrential downpour so he checked the time.

7:30am. Thirty minutes into his shift.

He hasn’t received a single call or text.

And the time moves slow

When you're all alone

[hargroves-angel]

Time Warp - Chapter One - A Small Town With A Big Secret

Summary - Hawkins really is a small town with a big secret ... More than one big secret.

Warnings - GIF below contains small flashes of light (it’s lightning, so be careful!) Whole series will contain - Smut / Fluff / Angst

A/N - My new series Time Warp, this is not going to be my OC series as im still working on that currently but I will get that out sometime!! 🥰 this ones a long one so I hope you’re all ready and you enjoy chapter 1 hehe xx 👏

You slumped your shoulders and fiddled with your pencil, the test paper lay blank in front of you.

‘Think Y/N! Think!’ You stared at the sheet, hoping that somehow the answers would just magically appear.

“2 minutes left” Mr Holloway grumbled, his voice breathy and scratchy.

‘So much for studying last night’ you rolled your eyes and glanced one last time at the paper. It was no use. You were totally and utterly fucked. Great.

The bell rang, sounding out the end of the school day. Hastily you slipped the paper into your bag in hopes of escaping quick without having to hand anything in.

“Hand them in one by one please” he yelled over the ringing bell. ‘Shit’ you mentally cursed, handing the blank paper in and speeding out of the classroom.

You had one place to be and that was Caseys house. You gathered up your books from your locker and headed to her car. An old 1980s camaro, she’d bought the old thing from a rundown garage in the town square, no idea who the owner was or why they’d leave, in her opinion, such a beautiful car.

She fixed it up and took it home. She was a car person... you just didn’t really see the point.

“Finally! We can work on this stupid project... I’m telling you the bitch has been on my case since this morning” she complained.

You got into her car, giggling about some gossip.

“So what exactly is this project?” You asked, flicking through caseys various cassettes.

“We have to do it on a ‘small thing with a hidden secret’, ya know creepy shit like that... and since it’s me, well I had to pick Hawkins and our creepy conspiracy”

“Oh god not this again” you cringed, Casey was obsessed with this small town, and on top of all that she was obsessed with anything vintage, it was her aesthetic or whatever you called it. She didn’t even own a phone, claiming that, ‘communication is key’ and what not.

“Come on Y/N, lighten up, I have so much proof that there’s more to this small town then they tell us! No way in hell were those disappearances just coincidence!” She whispered, the last part.

“Why are you whispering?”

“Government duh, plus whilst you have that little death device in your hand do something useful with it and look up some of the original articles, it’ll help you understand what I’m talking about here” she turned into the street her house belonged and parked up.

“It says that there was a mass homicide in the star court in 1985 and a girl went missing at some point in 1983 or 84? And some boy? People go missing all the time, they probably just had some neighbourhood creep who took it to that extreme...”

“And the homicide...?”

“I don’t know, it’s doesn’t give any details-“

“Exactly my friend! A small town with a big secret!” She beamed, shoving herself into her bedroom and sitting at her desk. Newspaper articles and old photographs hung around the rooms, she sure as hell was obsessed with this.

“How many of Shanes conspiracies did you watch last night? Whatever, you know what would be great?” You perked up, reading through the articles on her walls. She raised her eyebrow. “If we just stuck to doing one of the basis items, like some old jewellery box or - Or California?!” you smirked as she huffed.

“Beeecauseee! We need to think outside the box! And as far as I’m aware California isn’t that small, plus what does it even have to offer anyway”

“Sunny beaches! And happy customers” you grinned, plucking the postcard from her desk and reading it out loud. “Remember how freaked out you got after reading the back?” You chuckled.

“It said your name on it Y/N of course I got freaked... sometimes it slips my mind that maybe more then one person in this world is called Y/N”

“Only the best people are called Y/N... Anyway! This project... so what do you need me to research?”

“Anything about the victims and the crime scenes, I’m gonna cover old newspaper articles and scope around that burnt down lab” She scribbled a quick note of what you had to do in her notebook and handed it to you. She was always so extra when it came to research.

“Got it, be careful by that lab by the way! But till then I shall see you later” You gave her a quick hug and then headed out the door to walk home, thank god she was only a few houses down.

The kitchen light was on, your dad was probably still working. You kicked your shoes off and stepped inside.

“Pizza again?” You mumbled, setting your bag down against the wall. He lay asleep against his laptop, empty coffee mug next to him. Your eyes glanced over at the picture of your mother next to him.

You missed her a lot...

He didn’t speak much anymore, he kept to himself and buried his head in his work.

“Goodnight dad” you whispered, closing his laptop and pushing him back against the chair, placing a blanket over his sleeping form.

‘Research time’ you thought, turning on your own laptop and starting up google.

You spent hours scrolling, even going to page 2 of google, the forbidden page as Casey called it.

Every website said the same thing, it was a problem with some manic killer who they never found.

Of course there wasn’t anything because it was just some crazy guy who they never found. You scrolled down one last time coming across one final website.

‘H4wk1ns L4b.com’ You huffed and clicked onto it, your phone buzzed, a message from Dominos popped up, usual 50% off deal. Your eyes flickered back to the screen, it loaded up a bunch of videos. Only dating up to 1990, which was when the Lab burnt down.

You looked for the year 1983, hoping something would show up.

It looked like camera footage, nothing much showed up, just an empty stairwell. Your mouse hovered over the extra tabs.

getting your pen you wrote down the website address.

“Footage, Information, Staff, Tests, IDT, attack- attacks?” You clicked on the tab and looked at the words on the screen.

“We are experiencing many problems with our recent discovery, what the fuck?” You took a picture of the words and write down the key info. “Attacks - Hawkins High?, when was there an attack at school? Hawkins Hospital? Star court mall? That place burned to the ground like 30 years ago...” you furrowed your eyebrows and took another picture. You clicked on the link referencing your school.

A knock rang through the walls of the house. You flinched, jumping at the sound. “Dad! The door!” You yelled. He didn’t make a noise, he was probably still asleep, you peaked at the time on the time on your phone, 2:30am, who was knocking at 2:30am, Casey?

You picked up the book, a weapon of some sort and crept downstairs.

“Dad?” He didn’t stir, you cursed and got closer to the door.

You opened it slightly, two men in suits stood.

“Umm, dad?!” You shouted louder.

“Unfortunately miss we need to talk to you about something” the first man spoke, his voice clear and deep. You slammed the door shut and locked it tight, grabbing your phone and dialling 911 fast.

But it wouldn’t turn on. Damn phone, you quickly grabbed a kitchen knife and looked for your dad, where was he.

“Dad! Dad THERES people! D-dad” your voice started breaking, fear and adrenaline starting to kick in, “dad- d-Dad where are you” the door slowly creaked open.

Quickly you dashed behind your couch and hid, phone clutched to your chest and knife, blade up in front of you.

Footsteps rang through the house.

Where the hell was your father, he was there earlier, had he gone drinking again?

The footsteps stopped, small whimpers and heavy breaths left your mouth as you tried to conceal them.

Praying to the high heavens that they weren’t gonna kill you.

Silence.

You collapsed to the floor. Some sort of shock coursed through your body and your eyes shut.

[movedvalkyriesryde]

Exhibition of Future Technologies - 3

Pairing: 40s!Bucky Barnes x enhanced!reader

Summary: Bucky meets the girl of his dreams the day before he ships out again and she holds a mystery about her that he can’t resist.

Warnings: violence i guess? like a building explodes so??? but thats it, exhaustion, swearing the usualllll, angst?

Word Count: 3,000ish

A/N: ive decided theres going to be four parts, this was meant to be the last but it took a life of its own as this story seems to be doing a lot but im accepting its fate

A/N 2: special shoutout to @mrwinterr for showing me the possibilities that this story had!!!

Masterlist

Previous - Next

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It had been a few weeks since everything had come to light for the couple. Everything was still new and had a pink hue to it between them, the subtle looks as they walked past each other, the stolen kisses hidden in the hallway, the late nights and early mornings sneaking home, it helped having teleportation powers with that one. 

The pair had decided that it was best to keep their relationship a secret, it could risk the team finding out about Y/N’s powers if they told and she couldn’t have that, as much as she adored Bucky and was ultimately falling in love with him she couldn’t risk them finding out. She’d lost too many people to others finding out about their powers before.

Bucky understood, sort of. He wanted to scream from the rooftops that he’d found his Doll, he had wanted to run to Steve after their night together and tell him everything. But Bucky understood her fear, he saw how terrified she was when he found out about her powers, he wasn’t going to break her trust any time soon.

So when Steve and Sam questioned him the next morning on their run Bucky put on his best frown and tightened the string of his hoodie, avoiding eye contact.

“It wasn’t her,” he had muttered and sped his pace. His friends looked at each other before following close behind. They stopped at the top of a hill to catch their breath and have some peace and quiet before they headed back, it was what they did most mornings on their run.

“You were so sure it was?” Sam said sitting next to Bucky on the grass. Bucky merely shrugged in response, he didn’t want to say too much in case he let something slip, he also thought his silence would be enough to convince them of his lie. 

“Maybe they’re related? Distantly,” Steve sat on his other side and patted his shoulder with a tight but reassuring smile. 

“Maybe, it’s still not her though,” Bucky tried to think about what he would have actually been like if it wasn’t her. He imagined the gut wrenching hurt he would have felt and tried to channel it in himself now in order to keep the lie alive. 

Steve and Sam didn’t say anything more about the situation, they knew not to push Bucky, he would come to them if he needed to and he would be better in his own time. They let him stalk off into the compound as soon as they got back after mumbling something about skipping training today. They brought him lunch and dinner but never opened the door knowing he treasured his privacy when he got like this.

If they had they would have seen Bucky at his desk combing through his work like it was just another day. Or if Steve had opened the door when he went to check on Bucky on his way to bed instead of just knocking he would have seen Bucky and Y/N on his couch trying to stifle their laughter so no one could hear them. But Steve just asked through the door if Bucky needed anything and when Bucky replied with a muffled ‘’m fine, night Steve’, he walked off to his room worried about his friend.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was rare that the two spent any time together out of the compound, it was much harder for Bucky to sneak in and out than it was for her but sometimes the stars aligned and they found themselves at Y/N’s apartment where they could be as loud and affectionate as possible without the worry of someone walking in on them. 

“Are you sure about this?” Y/N shook her hands to try and loosen herself up as Bucky stood in front of her expectantly, “you don’t have to do this Buck.”

“I want to help okay, and who better to test on than a super soldier,” he gave her that winning smirk that he knew made her putty in his hands and when she smiled back, he knew he had her. 

“Okay, hold my wrists.” 

Bucky did what he was told and grasped her wrists. He watched her take a deep breath before they both closed their eyes then Bucky felt...numb, but also like his skin was on fire? And it only lasted a couple seconds before everything felt normal again and he opened his eyes to see Y/N staring back at him. He looked around and noticed the change in scenery, they had just been in her room and were now standing in the middle of the kitchen, a short test she’d said, small distance to start with. 

“How do you feel?” she asked hesitantly, Bucky was still holding her wrists, his grip had tightened slightly and he quickly let go. 

“I uh, fine,” he beamed at her and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her into the air. “Doll you did it! I’m absolutely fine!” 

Y/N told him it wasn’t a real experiment unless they wrote everything down so that’s what they did, she made him tell her every single thing he felt both physically and emotionally. 

The next week they tried again, they made it to the roof.  Bucky had made the mistake though of suggesting she at least tell Banner about her powers, Banner could help with her experiments better than he ever could, but Y/N quickly shot him down. She told him that this way she was in control of what was being tested of her and that’s how she wanted it to be kept. He didn’t say anything after that, just nodded like he understood. He did, apart from Wanda he was probably the only other person that could understand how much control over these experiments and her powers meant to her. But there was a lot less safety involved when it was just her and that’s what he didn’t like. 

That was the last experiment they’d done. They’d both been busy with work and the time they did get together was hidden in the corners of the compound where no one would find them. 

Though busy, it didn’t stop his friends from meddling. Once Bucky had come back out of his room and seemed to be back to his normal self, maybe even a little happier than before? Steve and Sam were trying to convince him to ask, and you’ll never believe this, Y/N on a date. 

“It may not be the girl from ‘43 but come on Buck! You said it yourself, she looks just like her!” Steve had been pushing for Bucky to find someone who made him happy for a long time and he thought that Y/N was the perfect match, he may have had some hushed talks with Bruce about the matter as well. 

“That’s a bit morbid getting him to date a girl because he went on a date with her grandma back in the day,” Sam scrunched up his face in disgust and Bucky snorted.

“You’re overthinking it Sam! This is fate kicking down the door Buck, you can’t tell me you don’t fancy her even a little. Bruce told me you’ve been visiting the lab more often!” 

Okay so maybe Bucky was beginning to be less subtle about the whole ordeal that was his love life than he should have been. But can you blame him!! She was making modifications to a couple of drones and that shit fascinated Bucky! And also the fact that it gave him an excuse to be close to Y/N and stare at her with googly eyes when Banner wasn’t in the room but THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT.

“She doesn’t fancy me Steve, and I don’t fancy her. Just like learning about her robotics,” Bucky rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. Steve opened his mouth but before he could say anything FRIDAY interrupted him and every thought concerning Bucky’s love life was forgotten by all three men.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You can’t possibly think he’s coming into the lab just because he’s interested in mechanical engineering can you?” Tony stared at Y/N like she’d grown two heads as he spoke. Tony, Y/N and Bruce had been discussing the frequent visitor to the lab over the past couple of weeks and Y/N was finding it more and more difficult to suppress the smug smile she so desperately wanted to give Tony when he talked about how Bucky had to have a crush on her if not be head over heels for her at this point. 

The three were out to lunch in the middle of the city, as they often were on a Thursday, and were making their way back to the car when everything happened. 

They heard it first, a loud boom seemed to come from all around them. Then they felt it, the ground beneath them shook slightly, Y/N felt the vibration through her body rising from her feet to her lungs and causing her stomach to drop. Then they looked up and they saw it. Tiny bits of glass started falling towards them, people were screaming and running in the opposite direction of the building in front of them. 

Twenty stories up there had been an explosion that had blown out the entire side of that floor. They could see the smoke coming out of the now open building, they could see it swaying slightly from the aftermath. 

Tony was the first to jump into action, he immediately activated his Iron Man suit and sent word to the compound for back up, giving orders to Bruce and Y/N to start getting people as far away from here as possible as he caught a long metal rod that was plummeting to the ground. 

The pair jumped into action, Bruce started running in and out of surrounding buildings trying to clear them as Y/N helped those nearest to the accident get to safety. 

There was another explosion, this time on the other side of the building. Y/N ran towards the entrance, she looked left and right looking for those injured that needed to be moved away immediately when she saw a group of elementary kids hiding behind a fountain. 

“Are any of you hurt?” She ducked down in front of them, all of their eyes were wide and frightened as they shook their heads. “Good, grab me guys, come on I’m going to get you out of here.”

The group of kids all grab onto each other and her and she didn’t even think before she squeezed her eyes shut, opening them to see the children all looking amazed but still frightened as they realised they were no longer in the middle of the chaos and instead the middle of Central Park. 

“Everyone okay?” Y/N asked and after getting a series of yes’s and thank you’s she was gone again, back to the chaos, not before telling them to contact their parents if they could and that she would be back. 

It clicked then in Y/N’s brain that this was the best way to get people from the burning building out and to safety and so she kept going. She got the rest of the children first, they were all in uniform, they must have been on a field trip. She took them to the same location where the other children still were. Three trips and she noticed parents starting to turn up thankfully. 

When Steve, Sam, Bucky, Natasha and Wanda turned up to the scene, Tony was already in the sky and had given them a quick briefing upon their arrival of what the situation was. 

Ten men, all in black combat uniform and more explosions than Tony could count strapped to their bodies and being placed throughout the building. Sam was immediately in the sky. Natasha went to help Bruce clear the citizens and Steve and Bucky started running towards the entrance of the building. That’s when Bucky saw the familiar flash of light. The flash of white light that he saw most mornings when Y/N left and his brain went into panic mode. 

“Buck come one!” Steve yelled out from the door, shield on his back as people ran past him. 

Bucky caught Y/N’s eye as she came back into view, they both paused their movement before she gave him a small smile and a nod and then ran off towards an injured woman. 

“Fuck my life,” he mumbled before running in after Steve. 

It was getting harder the more trips she took. Y/N had never teleported with more than one other person before. This was a true test of her limits and she could feel her body losing the fight. 

Most of the immediate area was clear now, all that was left were those that had initially refused to leave their homes or workplaces during the first explosion. 

When Y/N arrived back to the front of the building she could no longer hold herself up with ease. Bucky had his eye out for her as soon as he was back in the lobby and running towards the entry/exit. He saw her go again with a man and women then come back and drop to her knees.

“Y//N!!” He yelled sprinting towards her. There was another boom that halted his movement by the fountain. Y/N stood up and watched Bucky run towards her, she started to move to meet him in the middle when she heard the boom and looked up at the building to see something large falling towards the ground, towards Bucky. 

“BUCKY!” She called out to him, a wave of adrenaline rushing through her as she threw her arms around his neck and he held her waist. She squeezed her eyes shut and they disappeared just in time as the piece of building crashing into the ground where they had stood. 

Steve saw Bucky and Y/N embrace in the middle of the courtyard. Then he saw a block of concrete fall right where they were after a flash of light. Steve screamed as he ran towards the rubble and threw whatever he could grab behind him in order to get to his friend. This was not how he would be losing his friend, he would not be losing his best friend again!

“I’m okay, Steve, I’m okay,” the rushed force came through the comms device in Steve’s ear and he swore he was hearing things until Sam responded.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT BUCKY?!?!?” 

“Central Park, we’re at the Great Lawn with - holy shit - a lot of people that were in the middle of it all,” Bucky tried to catch his breath, he looked around at the massive group of people that were helping and comforting each other then at Y/N who was leaning all of her weight against him. “Doll I got you, fuck, stay with me okay. Steve, Sam, someone we medical service!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Previous - Next

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think and requests are open!

EoFT Taglist, or literally everyone that commented on it because I love all of you (and i copied this from part 2): @occasionalwritingsofmia @toasty-fish @chloesxworld @thiccstuxky @mrwinterr @jshtmblr

Permanent Taglist (OPEN): @starvinggaywriter @witch-of-letters @turquoisekokiri

Bucky Taglist (OPEN): @bxrnsfeyson

[valkyriesryde]

Exhibition of Future Technologies - 3

Pairing: 40s!Bucky Barnes x enhanced!reader

Summary: Bucky meets the girl of his dreams the day before he ships out again and she holds a mystery about her that he can’t resist.

Warnings: violence i guess? like a building explodes so??? but thats it, exhaustion, swearing the usualllll, angst?

Word Count: 3,000ish

A/N: ive decided theres going to be four parts, this was meant to be the last but it took a life of its own as this story seems to be doing a lot but im accepting its fate

A/N 2: special shoutout to @mrwinterr for showing me the possibilities that this story had!!!

Masterlist

Series Masterlist - Previous - Next

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It had been a few weeks since everything had come to light for the couple. Everything was still new and had a pink hue to it between them, the subtle looks as they walked past each other, the stolen kisses hidden in the hallway, the late nights and early mornings sneaking home, it helped having teleportation powers with that one.

The pair had decided that it was best to keep their relationship a secret, it could risk the team finding out about Y/N’s powers if they told and she couldn’t have that, as much as she adored Bucky and was ultimately falling in love with him she couldn’t risk them finding out. She’d lost too many people to others finding out about their powers before.

Bucky understood, sort of. He wanted to scream from the rooftops that he’d found his Doll, he had wanted to run to Steve after their night together and tell him everything. But Bucky understood her fear, he saw how terrified she was when he found out about her powers, he wasn’t going to break her trust any time soon.

So when Steve and Sam questioned him the next morning on their run Bucky put on his best frown and tightened the string of his hoodie, avoiding eye contact.

“It wasn’t her,” he had muttered and sped his pace. His friends looked at each other before following close behind. They stopped at the top of a hill to catch their breath and have some peace and quiet before they headed back, it was what they did most mornings on their run.

“You were so sure it was?” Sam said sitting next to Bucky on the grass. Bucky merely shrugged in response, he didn’t want to say too much in case he let something slip, he also thought his silence would be enough to convince them of his lie.

“Maybe they’re related? Distantly,” Steve sat on his other side and patted his shoulder with a tight but reassuring smile.

“Maybe, it’s still not her though,” Bucky tried to think about what he would have actually been like if it wasn’t her. He imagined the gut wrenching hurt he would have felt and tried to channel it in himself now in order to keep the lie alive.

Steve and Sam didn’t say anything more about the situation, they knew not to push Bucky, he would come to them if he needed to and he would be better in his own time. They let him stalk off into the compound as soon as they got back after mumbling something about skipping training today. They brought him lunch and dinner but never opened the door knowing he treasured his privacy when he got like this.

If they had they would have seen Bucky at his desk combing through his work like it was just another day. Or if Steve had opened the door when he went to check on Bucky on his way to bed instead of just knocking he would have seen Bucky and Y/N on his couch trying to stifle their laughter so no one could hear them. But Steve just asked through the door if Bucky needed anything and when Bucky replied with a muffled ‘’m fine, night Steve’, he walked off to his room worried about his friend.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was rare that the two spent any time together out of the compound, it was much harder for Bucky to sneak in and out than it was for her but sometimes the stars aligned and they found themselves at Y/N’s apartment where they could be as loud and affectionate as possible without the worry of someone walking in on them.

“Are you sure about this?” Y/N shook her hands to try and loosen herself up as Bucky stood in front of her expectantly, “you don’t have to do this Buck.”

“I want to help okay, and who better to test on than a super soldier,” he gave her that winning smirk that he knew made her putty in his hands and when she smiled back, he knew he had her.

“Okay, hold my wrists.”

Bucky did what he was told and grasped her wrists. He watched her take a deep breath before they both closed their eyes then Bucky felt…numb, but also like his skin was on fire? And it only lasted a couple seconds before everything felt normal again and he opened his eyes to see Y/N staring back at him. He looked around and noticed the change in scenery, they had just been in her room and were now standing in the middle of the kitchen, a short test she’d said, small distance to start with.

“How do you feel?” she asked hesitantly, Bucky was still holding her wrists, his grip had tightened slightly and he quickly let go.

“I uh, fine,” he beamed at her and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her into the air. “Doll you did it! I’m absolutely fine!”

Y/N told him it wasn’t a real experiment unless they wrote everything down so that’s what they did, she made him tell her every single thing he felt both physically and emotionally.

The next week they tried again, they made it to the roof.  Bucky had made the mistake though of suggesting she at least tell Banner about her powers, Banner could help with her experiments better than he ever could, but Y/N quickly shot him down. She told him that this way she was in control of what was being tested of her and that’s how she wanted it to be kept. He didn’t say anything after that, just nodded like he understood. He did, apart from Wanda he was probably the only other person that could understand how much control over these experiments and her powers meant to her. But there was a lot less safety involved when it was just her and that’s what he didn’t like.

That was the last experiment they’d done. They’d both been busy with work and the time they did get together was hidden in the corners of the compound where no one would find them.

Though busy, it didn’t stop his friends from meddling. Once Bucky had come back out of his room and seemed to be back to his normal self, maybe even a little happier than before? Steve and Sam were trying to convince him to ask, and you’ll never believe this, Y/N on a date.

“It may not be the girl from ‘43 but come on Buck! You said it yourself, she looks just like her!” Steve had been pushing for Bucky to find someone who made him happy for a long time and he thought that Y/N was the perfect match, he may have had some hushed talks with Bruce about the matter as well.

“That’s a bit morbid getting him to date a girl because he went on a date with her grandma back in the day,” Sam scrunched up his face in disgust and Bucky snorted.

“You’re overthinking it Sam! This is fate kicking down the door Buck, you can’t tell me you don’t fancy her even a little. Bruce told me you’ve been visiting the lab more often!”

Okay so maybe Bucky was beginning to be less subtle about the whole ordeal that was his love life than he should have been. But can you blame him!! She was making modifications to a couple of drones and that shit fascinated Bucky! And also the fact that it gave him an excuse to be close to Y/N and stare at her with googly eyes when Banner wasn’t in the room but THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT.

“She doesn’t fancy me Steve, and I don’t fancy her. Just like learning about her robotics,” Bucky rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. Steve opened his mouth but before he could say anything FRIDAY interrupted him and every thought concerning Bucky’s love life was forgotten by all three men.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You can’t possibly think he’s coming into the lab just because he’s interested in mechanical engineering can you?” Tony stared at Y/N like she’d grown two heads as he spoke. Tony, Y/N and Bruce had been discussing the frequent visitor to the lab over the past couple of weeks and Y/N was finding it more and more difficult to suppress the smug smile she so desperately wanted to give Tony when he talked about how Bucky had to have a crush on her if not be head over heels for her at this point.

The three were out to lunch in the middle of the city, as they often were on a Thursday, and were making their way back to the car when everything happened.

They heard it first, a loud boom seemed to come from all around them. Then they felt it, the ground beneath them shook slightly, Y/N felt the vibration through her body rising from her feet to her lungs and causing her stomach to drop. Then they looked up and they saw it. Tiny bits of glass started falling towards them, people were screaming and running in the opposite direction of the building in front of them.

Twenty stories up there had been an explosion that had blown out the entire side of that floor. They could see the smoke coming out of the now open building, they could see it swaying slightly from the aftermath.

Tony was the first to jump into action, he immediately activated his Iron Man suit and sent word to the compound for back up, giving orders to Bruce and Y/N to start getting people as far away from here as possible as he caught a long metal rod that was plummeting to the ground.

The pair jumped into action, Bruce started running in and out of surrounding buildings trying to clear them as Y/N helped those nearest to the accident get to safety.

There was another explosion, this time on the other side of the building. Y/N ran towards the entrance, she looked left and right looking for those injured that needed to be moved away immediately when she saw a group of elementary kids hiding behind a fountain.

“Are any of you hurt?” She ducked down in front of them, all of their eyes were wide and frightened as they shook their heads. “Good, grab me guys, come on I’m going to get you out of here.”

The group of kids all grab onto each other and her and she didn’t even think before she squeezed her eyes shut, opening them to see the children all looking amazed but still frightened as they realised they were no longer in the middle of the chaos and instead the middle of Central Park.

“Everyone okay?” Y/N asked and after getting a series of yes’s and thank you’s she was gone again, back to the chaos, not before telling them to contact their parents if they could and that she would be back.

It clicked then in Y/N’s brain that this was the best way to get people from the burning building out and to safety and so she kept going. She got the rest of the children first, they were all in uniform, they must have been on a field trip. She took them to the same location where the other children still were. Three trips and she noticed parents starting to turn up thankfully.

When Steve, Sam, Bucky, Natasha and Wanda turned up to the scene, Tony was already in the sky and had given them a quick briefing upon their arrival of what the situation was.

Ten men, all in black combat uniform and more explosions than Tony could count strapped to their bodies and being placed throughout the building. Sam was immediately in the sky. Natasha went to help Bruce clear the citizens and Steve and Bucky started running towards the entrance of the building. That’s when Bucky saw the familiar flash of light. The flash of white light that he saw most mornings when Y/N left and his brain went into panic mode.

“Buck come one!” Steve yelled out from the door, shield on his back as people ran past him.

Bucky caught Y/N’s eye as she came back into view, they both paused their movement before she gave him a small smile and a nod and then ran off towards an injured woman.

“Fuck my life,” he mumbled before running in after Steve.

It was getting harder the more trips she took. Y/N had never teleported with more than one other person before. This was a true test of her limits and she could feel her body losing the fight.

Most of the immediate area was clear now, all that was left were those that had initially refused to leave their homes or workplaces during the first explosion.

When Y/N arrived back to the front of the building she could no longer hold herself up with ease. Bucky had his eye out for her as soon as he was back in the lobby and running towards the entry/exit. He saw her go again with a man and women then come back and drop to her knees.

“Y//N!!” He yelled sprinting towards her. There was another boom that halted his movement by the fountain. Y/N stood up and watched Bucky run towards her, she started to move to meet him in the middle when she heard the boom and looked up at the building to see something large falling towards the ground, towards Bucky.

“BUCKY!” She called out to him, a wave of adrenaline rushing through her as she threw her arms around his neck and he held her waist. She squeezed her eyes shut and they disappeared just in time as the piece of building crashing into the ground where they had stood.

Steve saw Bucky and Y/N embrace in the middle of the courtyard. Then he saw a block of concrete fall right where they were after a flash of light. Steve screamed as he ran towards the rubble and threw whatever he could grab behind him in order to get to his friend. This was not how he would be losing his friend, he would not be losing his best friend again!

“I’m okay, Steve, I’m okay,” the rushed force came through the comms device in Steve’s ear and he swore he was hearing things until Sam responded.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT BUCKY?!?!?”

“Central Park, we’re at the Great Lawn with - holy shit - a lot of people that were in the middle of it all,” Bucky tried to catch his breath, he looked around at the massive group of people that were helping and comforting each other then at Y/N who was leaning all of her weight against him. “Doll I got you, fuck, stay with me okay. Steve, Sam, someone we medical service!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Previous - Next

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think and requests are open!

[vicicicici-blog1]

Good Afternoon.

Ive recently been approached by Warren Industries' very own CEO Felicity Warren as a decryptor for some bizarre files

Its a large number of files, about fifty or so and she tells me she has more to send at a later date. She also requested I put these files up somewhere online though she also wants me to block out any names that are on this little list I've got here... yeah okay

Im not entirely sure why she wanted me specifically to decrypt this shit. Like... maybe ive got in hot water with the CSIS like a few times for some random bullshit, but I'm also pretty sure that theres plenty of dudes out there more skilled than I am who could decode these things in half the time for less pay. Maybe it's because I'm a chick. After all, I know about that freaky little club of hers. I know she's not the quirky millenial CEO that the media likes to paint her as

I mean its not like your average shmuck hacker could do this. seems the girl who made these documents has/had? a government background, and im taking a wild guess here at saying she had access to some pretty nifty tech, tech that she damn well knew how to use. i'm also pretty sure shes dead so good help that did her

At first I thought the joke was on her. It took me less than three hours to crack her stupid code on the oldest files in the bunch, which is what I've got below my dumb introductions

Then I found out every few files uses a completely different code

shit

At least I'm getting a big fat check for this

Enjoy, because I am not doing these all at once ___________________________________________ 20xx/06/04

These files are for my brother, plus anyone else he's working with, to use in case I ever get caught.

I've finally found out about Felicity Warren's secret club. Alex, your search is finally over! Well, at least once you get back from Spain in a few months.

If my brother isn't with you at the time for this reading: Hello, my name is Emma Spearhouse. My older brother, and once legal guardian, is Alex Spearhouse. As of this writing, he is an investigator for [NAME REDACTED],  a rather low-key organization built to keep an eye on strange happenings that are considered a risk to Canadian citizens. Apparently, it is considered to be a branch of the CSIS, but from what I could sneak a look from my brother's laptop, it seems to be self run.

That's why I've been looking for Felicity Warren's club, which I now know the name of - The Cheap Thrills Club. It sounds coy, but that makes some sense... there's always been a couple rumours, here and there, about a freaky girls-only club, that abducts men all over the country and kills them in cold blood. I always just assumed those were just some dopey anti-feminist conspiracy theories that get popular as creepy stories online, but I found out from my brother's reports - it's real. Maybe... apparently, every single lead that Alex and some of his colleagues have taken have resulted in dead ends, but the fact that it's a concern with [NAME REDACTED] is proof enough that it isn't just some self-adulating tall tale.

It's been bugging me nonstop since I read his report back around Christmas time. Alex was pretty pissed at me for reading his laptop (again), and told me not to get involved... even so, when I went back south for classes, I scoured all over the city for any leads to this strange club. I couldn't find anything at all, and then the school year ended, so I was forced to come back, and for the past month, I've been focusing on my summer job. Its funny like that - I stopped looking for clues, and then, the clue came to me.

It turns out that my friend from high school, [NAME REDACTED], is a member.

She just happened to be visiting the office that day, to pick up a new card for her dad. I took a break to chat with her after not seeing her for so long, and the topic just happened to come up! It was so weird... she was always kind of reserved, and always fainted at the sight of blood, but she got so excited when I claimed I was interested in joining.

The next meeting is in four days, and she's offered to take me, in order to get me to join the group. This is an opportunity I can't possibly pass up. From here on out, I'm going to record my actions in these files, both as evidence of this club's existence, and, as I said above, as a precaution, just in case something happens to me. You know, freaky cult stuff.

To Alex: I'm sorry that I'm digging through your old equipment, I need the hidden mic. ________________________________________________________ 20xx/06/08

I'm back from the meeting and it was

I can't do this right now I need to recompose my thoughts ________________________________________________________ 20xx/06/09

I spent hours trying to think of an intro to this entry... perhaps it would be best to state it outright. The Cheap Thrills Club is exactly like the rumours say. It's a murder cult. A boy died in front of my eyes.

When I first got to where [NAME REDACTED] told me to meet her, she was dressed in a casual clothes, and wearing a backpack. It kind of put me at ease, at first. Like, maybe if this was a real thing, it was actually just some sort of Girl Guide sister-hood thing, and the whole murder thing was just some sort of fabrication by crazy suspicious people.

She took me out to the highway, where there was a car, waiting to pick us up. It was a few other women, of varying ages, who I didn't really recognize. Well, maybe I did know them... they were wearing these weird cute animal masks, so I couldn't get a good look at them anyways, and they didn't speak. [NAME REDACTED] pulled out a mask, too. This green raccoon mask, one you could probably pick up at the dollar store. She noticed my staring at her mask, but instead of getting suspicious, she just smiled at me and told me;

"Don't worry, you're about to get yours."

Part of me wonders if I should have just jumped out of the car, right then and there. The doors were probably locked anyways. 

It was maybe a twenty minute drive, definitely out of town. The road got weirdly bumpy, too, like they'd driven off the road and into the forest. The windows were tinted over on both sides, and they eventually closed the opening between the front and back seat, so I was going in blind. For a moment, the car had stopped, like we'd reached a toll both, before the card drove for another minute and parked.

When I was let out of the car, I was surprised to find we'd parked inside of a small, shuttered up hangar, with a few other cars parked around, but completely void of life. Following their silent orders, I was brought to an elevator. [NAME REDACTED] seemed like she was getting excited, as she started jumping up an down like a kid at an amusement park.

The elevator went down, and it went down deep. Was this an old military base or something? Why the heck would something like this be in an industry town?

When we got out, I really wasn't expecting what I saw.

The entire area was aglow with lights, machines, and happy laughter. It reminded me of when some of my university friends took me to the casino for my 20th birthday, like an alternate, magical world, filled with fun and joy... but also the soul-sucking lightheaded-ness that overtook me, as if begging me to give up to this world. The fact that everyone there, about two dozen women, were wearing cute animal masks really didn't help matters either. One of them, wearing a purple bird mask and dressed like a fancy waitress, took my hand.

"You must be the new girl. Come this way, please."

I followed along, partially to get a closer look at things, and partially to get away from all this bluster and chaos. As we turned left, I noticed a small, arena-like pit, right in the middle of the room.

The next room, thankfully, wasn't as mind-numbing, but was almost just as eerie - though lit well, it was completely empty, with black walls, and a red tile floor, and two red doors to my left. I was asked, very dully, to stand in the middle of the room, where a small ring of writing was located.

Again, I did what I was told. Like some cheap parlour trick the ring lit up, blinking in different colours and arrows, before finally settling on one spot, a pinkish-red. The waitress told me to wait just a moment, and left, before coming back with a mask.

"Your mask has been ordained as the Red Weasel. Please put it on for our leader's greetings."

I almost panicked there. The mask choice felt way too on the nose, like it was chosen specifically because they knew I was here as a mole. It made me wonder, if I put it on, was I going to get full on attacked by a bunch of crazy women in animal masks?

The waitress would not take her eyes off of me until I put it on, so put it on I did. Thankfully, it wasn't too uncomfortable, and the eye holes didn't block any of my vision. I did feel silly. I wish I still did.

The waitress then carted out a large screen. On it, was the very woman who supposedly ran this club: Felicity Warren, wearing her famous white rabbit mascot head, and a stylish business suit, sitting on a golden chair with her legs crossed.

"Ahh, this is our new member!"

She sounded happy, but the mask made it hard to really tell.

"Welcome to the Cheap Thrills Club! You are now officially part of the Sisterhood!"

Those words are still ringing pretty vividly in my head. I guess it makes sense, she's definitely got a nice voice, and an endless pool of charisma to match. It's probably the reason why people can take her seriously in that bunny head.

I'm not sure if that was a recording or not, but immediately after that, the screen was rolled back to where it once came. When the waitress came back, she calmly led me out the door.

"I'll provide you with the Level 1 member benefits once you're ready to leave."

Everyone had gathered by the door when I came out, and started clapping and cheering. [NAME REDACTED] even came over and gave me congratulations. Before I could even say anything back, however, a voice came over the speaker.

"Ladies, we're glad to welcome our fifteen new members! One of you fifteen is incredibly lucky, too... Branch 07AB is presenting tonight's entertainment!!"

Everyone in the room started cheering loudly. Most obviously, 07AB is the branch I joined.

Now, please give it up for... [NAME REDACTED]

Everyone started cheering again and gathering towards the pit, as I could hear something being wheeled out. There was barely enough room for all of us, but as a approached, a few of them got out of the way. I'm guessing it was because I was a new member.

Looking down, I saw a large, muscular woman, maybe even over six feet tall, and confidently grinning, cracking her neck and knuckles. the wheeling noise, however, came from something else.

Two more of those bird-masked women had rolled in with another person, chained down to a table. When I got a better look at them, it was evident that it was a young boy, one who couldn't have been more than thirteen or so. He'd been gagged with a cloth that covered most of his face, but it was evident based on the look in his eyes, and the way he desperately tried to squirm out of his bindings, that he was not there by choice.

The large woman looked up to me, and yelled;

"Hey, new girl? Got any requests?"

I froze at that moment. I wasn't entirely sure what she meant by 'request.' I didn't want to know, really. I knew, if the rumours were true, then she was asking me to request a method of death.

I spent a few minutes, still as can be, all eyes on me, when [NAME REDACTED] put a hand on my shoulder.

"It's alright, I didn't have any preferences when I first started."

I didn't know what to say. I certainly didn't have any interest in seeing someone die, let alone in a specific way. But, saying no would break my cover, and make them all realize I wasn't there out of any interest. So, I told [NAME REDACTED] that she could choose, instead. She called me the best friend ever. Then, she turned to the lady, and in a voice that sounded so disconnected from her own:

"Make sure he dies by suffocation."

The lady just gave a thumbs up, and it began.

First, the bird masks backed out, and the room below was sealed. Only then, were his bindings released, as he immediately jumped forward, pulling off the gag and taking a moment's breath. Now out of the bindings, he was tinier than expected, having a frail build, small green eyes, and shaggy black hair. He didn't have much time to relax, as the lady towered over him, her shadow imposing.

"Well, sorry kid, no hard feelings."

She grabbed him by the ankle, lifted him up in the air, and slammed him down to the ground.

I feel nauseous trying to recount the full account, at least not in graphic detail. I will, at least, give a basic summary of what she did, and how the people around me were reacting to this poor boy's mutilation.

The second he hit the floor, the entire group went wild, as if watching a sports game, and even yelling directions to her on what to do next. I tried not to look suspicious about my lack of enjoyment, but... no one actually seemed to notice how I was reacting. I stood completely still watching as this horrible act took place.

He'd had the wind knocked out of him, but it would appear that this wasn't enough to cause any major damage. Once he tried to get up, however, she brought a large fist down on his stomach, knocking the wind out of him so hard that he barely let out a squeak. She repeated this a few times, until the last punch, when he coughed up some blood. Once that happened, she picked him up by his arm, holding him up as his body shook. After a few seconds of cheering, she grabbed him by the shoulder with her free hand, and brought the full arm down on her knee, snapping it like a twig. Only now was he able to let out something resembling a scream.

This continued on for the next twenty minutes. She tossed him around like a rag doll, and broke his other limbs in the same manner as had been done with his first arm, and would constantly hold him down, forcing him to squirm and bend in unnatural ways. The final time she held his body up, somehow managing to live through all of that, his body was pulsing and twitching, and he was still gasping at the air.

"Ah yeah, girlie wanted you to suffocate."

She said this like she'd forgotten to grab milk from the store.

For the next bit, she held the boy by the neck, squeezing him tightly as his broken body began to spasm more and more out of control, his already bruised face going even bluer. After an arduous amount of time, much longer than I thought it would take, his body finally went limp. Everyone was cheering.

There’s a lot that I'm leaving out of this explanation. After that, I asked to leave, and they gladly did so, handing me my benefits package and driving me back to where I started.

When I got home, I immediately checked the hidden mic. I'm not sure if I set it up incorrectly, or if something else happened, but all that it got was three minutes of static. Even so, I'm including the recording in the file with this message, just in case I might've missed something.

This is too much. I've tried calling the police multiple times, but I've felt too stressed and tired every time... I've slept through most of the day. I'm going to try again tomorrow. __________________________________________ See what I mean about that stupid little club of hers

Whatever. I already knew most of this stuff. Im just glad this Emma chick didnt get all fetishy about it like a lot of her goons do

got not much of a stomach for that i can tell you that much

not like i can out these creepy fucks for who they are. Ive got a contract to keep after all plus im pretty sure id get killed if i did so its really not worth it

as for that sound file ill make a new post for that one. its actually less than three minutes long but meh close enugh it gives me a headache in less than one minute anyways. i think i heard something weird at the end though

[fumi-gogo]

.. out of my fucking mind again

26 Nov 17 I wrote this like a suicide note but I’m not going to kill myself, just trying to really get everything out of my system I know this is incredibly selfish of me, but I probably deserve to do one thing for myself. I hope after this, you will be able to live a little comfortably and have the types of holidays you’ve always wanted Joyce. I know Ive never been one to celebrate anything so I’m sorry Ive wasted your time for the past 4 years. I was really happy with you and I thought we would grow old together, Im sorry I didn’t see how much I was pushing you away and making you despise me. I was so hurt when you came home from tech school, when I was crying and I would look in your eye, they were so empty and I just saw frustration and disgust for me. Im sorry I have to inconvenience everyone again one more time but hopefully this will be the last time unless I fuck this up like everything else in my life. I hate the way I see myself in the mirror, Im so gross and I hate the way people talk to me as If I am a man. Its gross and I hate when people are seeking some weird validation from me about their masculine tendencies or habits. Being transgender has already destroyed my relationship with the person I’ve loved for a long time and I don’t know if I could survive it tearing another person I love away from me. Ive tried to be ok with the direction our relationship has gone but it hurts. It might have been so much easier to just keep everything to myself and just be happy with what life gave me. It hurts every day and theres nothing I can do to fix that and it sucks and I hate myself for the way I feel. Her laugh was always my favorite, ,the last time I remember making her laugh and happy was when I teased her about how she recited her phone number over the phone. That was the laugh I would think about when I would cry myself to sleep missing her. We never really had anything in common though, I don’t know why I was so in love. The way things ended made me realize what it felt like to really not be cared about, despite everything I was struggling with and trying to fix about myself. I started talking to Debs because she talked about a lot of things I had interests in and wanted to talk about that I’ve never been able to talk about before. She always had the best recommendations for books and movies and I enjoyed everything she ever recommended. We are both very broken people but I wish I could have been there for her more, she deserves better than she has to deal with now. I hope she is truly happy someday. If you can Joyce, please try to give some of my sgli to her, I want to be able to do something more for her. I wanted to be creative and I wanted to be an artist, I never put in the work or time I needed to though I just failed and I had to drop out of school to join the Air Force. It was exciting at the beginning, but then I hated myself more and more and I was always tired and I hated waking up to put on the same uniform every day. Then somehow we got this clown on a president who doesn’t really give two shits about anyone other than himself and I really just lost all motivation, what is the point of anything when someone who will run the country into the ground somehow gets voted into office. I feel like I’m a smart person and that I understand people and I get along with them very well. People gossip to me all the time and tell me things for reasons I don’t know, maybe somehow they know I won’t tell anyone else, maybe I just give off that friendly of a vibe. I get it though, I empathize with people very strongly, when I hear other people criticize something, I get confused how they can’t see it from another point of view. Im just rambling, Im afraid I will miss saying something important while I have the chance. Im going to miss a lot of people but I’ve had people enter and leave all my life and I don’t really have any long time friends anyways so whatever I guess. Im sorry that I pushed myself back into your life again debs just to leave so suddenly like this, I should have just kept to myself. I was forced to go to church almost all of my life but I can never really remember have any interest in it at all, but won’t it be interesting to see what the other side is actually like I don’t really see a future for me here, anywhere. I’ve always been bad with money, I’m impulsive with it, I just buy what I want and Joyce had gotten any about it with me but I besides the initial guilt I don’t really feel anything. If I stop now while I’m not in too big of a hole, I won’t be a burden to anyone else for much longer and I can still do some good for the people I love. I won’t be any use to anyone in the future when I’m completely dysfunctional. I wish I could have traveled, seen places outside of the US. Japan, Korea, London, Brazil, etc… 7 billion plus people in the world and I never got to see a fraction of it To my family also, I love you all, I really do. Im sorry I didnt talk to you more, I was always scared of what I might say and how you might respond, I have always hidden most of who I am and kept secrets just to fit in and to get the things that I thought would make me happy. Gender sucks and I don’t know anything about funerals but please at least they to keep It gender neutral and don’t invite too many people, I never talked to anyone so it feels like most people who would even show up would just feel in-genuine. Being referred to as a guy has made me feel uncomfortable for a long time so I always hoped no-one noticed when I said they/their whenever I was talking about myself in the third person. Referred to as a she would be nice too but whatever. Please take care of yourself Joyce and please just find happiness with someone who could provide you with what I couldn’t, you deserve the absolute best. Im really sorry Debs, I made you uncomfortable by getting too attached to you too fast, at first I was probably just trying to fill a void in my heart but after a few weeks, i would go through the day looking forward to talking to you about your ideas and your passions, I loved how you were chasing dreams and I wanted to be there for you to cheer you on. I know you deal with a lot of your own problems but it was more important to me to help you through those that dump all my bs onto you. I wish I could have done more for you, I hope you live a long and happy life and you get to fulfill your dreams and your goals. Your voice messages always made my heart race, your voice was so cool and attractive and your selfies in your button ups made you look so badass, you are amazing. Also, no-one looks better and more awesome in a leather jacket than you ------ Im not going to kill myself Im not that selfish. It is a very curious thing though. I wondered how writing a suicide note would make me feel and I feel ok I guess. Its not ok for me to be this selfish, I have always been selfish, doing things for myself and to get things for myself. Theres things I still forgot to write though. I never knew what it was like to be angry until I felt like I knew what it was like to be cheating on. If I try to think about everything from an outside perspective, I wasn’t the only one being selfish. I don’t think I deserve to be treated the way I was, We were married and we were partners, we owe each other more than a stupid text message to end our marriage. And to hide things like going on dates behind my back while I’m in this kind of depressive and anxious state. What the fuck. But it did make it clear to me how you felt and it made it easy to accept that you don’t give a good god damn about me despite what you try to tell me. Seeing the kind of guy you're with now made it clear what type of guy was your type, and it was very clear that me as a guy was not your type, what the fuck were we even doing together Suicide is a very scary thing and for some reason you’re not allowed to admit you’ve had thoughts about it or else you get locked up and whatever, all I did was cut myself before and I was in a mental ward for 3 days. I drank and take a ton of ambient to sleep the day away, I always feel better after venting and sleeping. 

  I guess this is how I start year 26… Im going to be the person I was always supposed to be and I am going to be happy someday, and hopefully I’ll be able to share my life with someone who will actually love me

[queerloquial]

every odd number!

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?you better have, we’re kinda dating 

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?iunno, whens the last time you said something that made me go “cfghvjb fUCK yOU”?

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?not to my knowledge, but if there is they can go fuck themselves bc idfc

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?vault boy tshirt, gray sweatpants. my regular comfy sleepwear stuff

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?i wear jeans anytime i have to leave the house, but if i dont have to go out in public and hide my wookiee legs i actually prefer shorts to either of those. i also rank chef pants higher than sweats bc they breathe better

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?i am antisocial as fuck, my dude. if i could get away with living in my bedroom and talking to like three people total ever, i so would

13. What about ‘R’?i think this is in reference to ‘have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with ___’, in which case, no. i have never kissed anyone, at least outside the “small child gives/receives cheek kisses from family or other adult considered to be basically family” sense

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?yEs. i give so many shits, all of the fucks, and even a couple hecks

17. When was the last time you cried?i think like a week and a half, two weeks ago it was like 2 am and i was tired n lonely and re-read some of ur letters to me. it was a happy cry dont worry. u make me do that a lot

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?nah i like blue

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.that stupid fuckening dog did not shut up for one damn minute after i let her out at ten last night. she barked for eight hours straight and for six i had a headache, i have slept a grand total of 32 minutes and it is now 7 am. hlep

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?to my knowledge yes. unless “im going back to bed, love and kisses~” is secretly your way of breaking up with me :P

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?you do~

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?it you

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?i think i got it from fye at the mall. either there or gamestop. i dont remember

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?theyre lined up on top of my desk. the only thing hiding them is the handful of non-alcoholic glass bottles i also have collected

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?ehhhhhhhhhhhhh i kinda have a Thing with pain so i have a heavy aversion to getting anything pierced

35. Did you have a dream last night?no bc i couldnt fuckening fall asleep

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?idk my dude. the future is unpredictable

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?idk. maybe if ur still awake theres a chance but if ur not then probs not

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?i would hope so, ive been waking up before dawn every day to tell you i love u and i would hate for all that effort to have been for nothing

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?in those words exactly, not that i can remember

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?yes, but theyre all from early high school and i really ought to go in and take them out but. effort. and i dont even really use facebook anymore

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?yes. all the time

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?nah, two years ago i had a job

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?i think this was my dad? so no

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?well when youve been aromantic for over 20 years you dont expect to develop a crush on ur cuteass mutual so

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?all but two people irl think im a conservative straight cis girl

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?see number 13

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?yes

61. How’s your heart?emotionally its doing fine. physically i could probably stand to cut back on sodium a bit

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?no

65. Are your toenails painted pink?no, theyre black

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?i wouldnt know, ive never been a girl and ive never had a boyfriend. but either way that sounds kinda weird, like i mean sure, promote healthy expression of emotions, but “love it when they cry”?? that sounds kinda messed up my dude

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?a lady from my church whose dog im watching for part of this week

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?it youuuu again

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?lol no

75. Did you wake up cranky?a BIT YES. god i hate dogs

77. Are relationships ever worth it?hell yeah, but you gotta be willing and actively choose to put in the time and effort to support one another through all situations, not just the cutesy happy fun times. it can be hard work, especially if one or more involved parties are neurodivergent, but it is completely worth it to have a relationship based in genuine respect and trust and honesty

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?buddy there aint a day that goes by that i dont daydream of what itll be like when we can finally meet irl

81. Last person you cried in front of?if this is strictly about physically being near someone, and discounting headmates, then… i dont actually remember. i try my best not to cry where people can see

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?i feel like you might be at least a lil bit

85. Are you over your past?well my brain is irreparably damaged and i still cry when i remember that i have at least one person who respects my feelings and consent and i generally try to block out all memories of life before college but for the most part yeah im totally over it :)

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?well i would say no but then we did recently have that convo re: “tier 4 kinks” and tbh that was like the last big secret i was holding in so i guess yeah i do

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?i dont remember the last person i kissed, if animals dont count, so im just gonna give a blanket no

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?well i hope so

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?no

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?ye~

97. Who do you have texts from?you, family, best friend, some people from church who have needed me to petsit/house-sit/bake things

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?see #13

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?no