#i wanna draw more i just havent been confident about what i wanna share

[longinglambs]

The,,,boys they fuckinf did this to me yOU WONT BELIEVE THIS SHIT- so I went to a deadzone cabin for a DAY AND I MISS FUCKINF EVERYTHING, anyway SINCE I SAW SOME THINGS WITH ATEEZ AND THEIR NEW HAIR COLORS,,hehe I'M LOOKING- I said fuck it it's been a while why not ;)

Story Name: butterfly kisses

Ship: Poly!Ateez everyone x everyone :] Description: The boys discuss their newest hair colors, but not after catching Seonghwa with a INJURY- worried ramblings happen and comfort for the cure.

Seonghwa recently practiced too hard lately and hurt his hip, Ateez has always been prone to injuries- but it always downed the whole group, especially since it was so CLOSE to comeback. Seonghwa was of course upset he loved Dancing, it was something he held dear to his heart- he met everyone by dancing and singing and he felt blessed that he chose to do what he loved,,and got to meet all of his loves.

The first one to find out of course was Hongjoong, it was impossible he wouldn't- he always has a hawk eye on the group. Immediately he reacted with a soft " Hey Hwa? Does your hips hurt?? " he nervously whispers back " is it obvious? " Hongjoong then widens his eyes and says " Why have you not gotten it CHECKED Seonghwa?? " he knew he was upset by his tone, he wasnt gonna take it personally though because he KNEW how much Hongjoong truly cared. He was just scared for the eldest, worried.

Seonghwa looked up to see they were caught- Wooyoung was staring at them " neh what's wrong with Hyung?? " he asks Hongjoong with a worried frown. Hongjoong and Seonghwa hold a gaze for a second- it was obviously a " we promised to tell eachother everything I can't NOT tell them " it didn't help that Seonghwa knew exactly how that felt, Jongho and Mingi both have got injured and had to sit out and he hated it, he just wanted to dance with them again- Ateez can only be Ateez with all 8 of them.

Seonghwa spoke up to the practice room " I think,,I may have sprained my hip,," all the boys in the room immediately crowded to Seonghwa " Guys I'm sure it's a sprain its nothi- " he was quickly interrupted " yOU KNOW HOW A SPRAIN CAN END UP WORSE WHEN NOT TREATED " Woo shouted obviously upset. Jongho nodded pouting slightly, and Mingi yelled a " YEAH ", Yunho looked down at Seonghwa very very sadly " hyung,,," Yeosang held on lightly to the back of Seonghwa's shirt, he wasn't the best at talking for comfort, he WAS good at giving touch for comfort though. San pouted loudly " Hyung you know we care more about you than the comback!!! Atiny would say so too! " he knew that, he just missed Atiny a lot, and wanted to preform so bad. He looked at his array of boys and said " I'll get it checked out I promise ".

And so he did. He was right. It was a sprain. He came home that night to 7 boys all staring at him " so? " San said rising lightly from the couch of boys, his sweater engulfing the boy. San wasn't tiny, not even a bit but he loved His boyfriends sweaters. " it's a sprain- I knew it was " he sighed walking to the couch, " Come here Hyung, let us give you some love " Seonghwa melted at the thought. He softly fell onto the couch and got absolutely swarmed. It started with the biggest of the boys, softly moving his hair out of his face and smooching his cheeks, he giggled at the sentiment. Hongjoong gave him a peck on the lips and gave him kissed all over his face and hands, Wooyoung wrapped his arm around Seonghwas and said " you know all my teasing is just for fun right? You know I love you a lot right Hyung ?? " he says tearing up lightly " oh Woo I know, I know- " he cups his face and gives Woo a gentle kiss " I'm confident you love me, as I love all of you " Hongjoong wandered over and brought his head to Seonghwa and nuzzled it against his. " I love you Seonghwa,," " I love you too Hongjoong " he kissed Hongjoongs nose, Hongjoong giggled and switched with Jongho. Normally you wouldnt be able to tell this but Jongho was pouting. He never pouted- hes always been the tough it out kind of guy, Seonghwa said sadly " are you upset with Hyung? " Jongho looked into Seonghwa eyes with endearment " I'm not upset with you, I'm upset because you are hurt " San came up beside Jongho and said " None of us are upset with you, we were just worried Hyung ". Seonghwa really wanted to cry, he knew it was dumb but he just was always so full of love and happiness with his boys. He brought both of them into a hug and kissed San on the mouth and Jongho on the cheek. Jongho gave him a small smile before backing off with San to make room for Yeosang.

Yeosang crawled to him and gave Seonghwa a hug making sure to avoid his waist, he laid his head into his Hyungs neck and said " I love you " he brought his head back up and looked into Seonghwas eyes, Seonghwa moved Yeosangs long hair " I love you too Yeosang,, " then Seonghwa noticed " hey what, are we gonna do with our hair for this comeback? " immediately Mingi said " I WANNA DO AN UNDERCUT! " Seonghwa choked " y-you wanna get aN UNDERCUT???? " " I mean last time I checked it looked hot on you " Seonghwa choked again. Yunho said " I kinda wanna try what Hongjoong did in Wave but like when it faded " he smiled " You wanna do pink? Then I'll do your blue from Wave " " OOO MATCHING AGAIN " Yunho exclaimed happily Wooyoung screamed back " I'm keeping my hair black hehe!! " " I'm doing natural too!! " San said back to Woo, Seonghwa said " I'm thinking a softer color then this, maybe a grayish color?" I'll keep my hair long re bleach it blond, maybe,,,,do,,a mullet " Yeosang said softly which got a lot of attention " a- a MULLET HAHA " Mingi laughs, Yeosang totally got karma for making fun of Hongjoongs mullet originally haha. " I wanna dye my hair half red,,like what Mingi did with green way back,," " YOU WANNA DYE YOUR HAIR????? " WOO SHOUTED, Jongho laughed at the outburst " it seems fun why not " " god red?? " what's with us and red " Yeosang questioned " shut up mullet boy " Mingi said " SHUT UP MINGI " " HEY NO FIGHTING DURING CUDDLE TIME " Hongjoong yelled in and got them to quiet not without a few last words" I'll get you back MINGI" " please dont I wanna live, I have so many boyfriends please Yeosang MERCY " Yeosang scoffed and said " buy me chicken then your blood will stay in your body " Mingi smiled back " Deal "

They all took their turns taking showers and wandering to a single room to have a complete cuddle pile, these only happened when all the boys felt really down or really happy- okay so they happened pretty much when anything happened- even when they were angry at eachother BAM cuddle pile. Seonghwa being the last out of the shower to join the boys in Yunho and Sans specially assigned room, at times like this they just blew up inflatable mattresses god knows how long itd take to get a mattress to fit ALL FUCKING 8 OF THEM. BUT it would also be too obvious what all their relationship was if they all shared a bed, or maybe not- Korea was kinda ignorant in that aspect but Hongjoong and Seonghwa were way too nervous that if someone found out it would KILL their reputation and everything they worked for. So a simple inflatable mattress would have to do, and it did well. Yunho crawled out the bed to put a background noise movie on, cuddle piles meant all attention on eachother, you dont need to talk, you can just bask in the touch and get head pats and just slowly drift to sleep or get mind numbed by the touch, it was just a great way to relax for a lot of the groups overthinkers. It started with meaningless talk, Mingi telling childhood stories about how one time he ate a bug and then cried and since then has been scared of all bugs, Yunho talked about his younger sibling, how when they were born everything just came naturally, Seonghwa came in and talked about how he was the youngest and all the things he used to get away with, they all had soft laughs before they got to the affection stage of the cuddle pile.

It starts with one of the members patting ones head, another kissing ones cheek, it's just a surplus of touching and affection and it's fantastic. Yeosang is the one instantly out with these effects, and Hongjoong is as well, he always falls asleep really easily but head rubs knocked him out. All of them slowly fall asleep, San, Woo, Jongho, Yunho,

then it's just Mingi and Seonghwa. Mingi pats his chest, he knows what this means, it means I am here for you, come here. He has seen it in every single one of them, it's a gesture open to only them. He moved into Mingis chest and breathed in deeply. He smelled of Pine trees, from Jonghos body wash no doubt. His brain became numb in the smell and warmth, the only thought being comfort. It was 1 am and they all had to get their hair done at 6, but for now he was home, he was with his lovers.

And then it was, Seonghwa, and Mingi.

Guess who finished this this at 1 am?? ThIS PERSON HAHA- but once i write i dont stop so HAJSJWJ I havent written in a long while and I think this takes the cake??? Anyway it's kind of Seonghwa Centric on total accident, also I'm sure the timing is off- I'm sure Seonghwas injury was known after he dyed his hair and That Yunho filmed his news earlier before they dyed their hair BUT FORGET THAT SHIT I said NO SENSE ONLY SOFT KISSES, will I draw this?? No one knows- i also bet no one knew this account was a personal LMAO THE MORE U KNOW

[rapturepegasus]

Anti Popufur

I kind of hate all the clean cut furries I've been drawing. I don’t mean I wanna draw nsfw specifically, but when I drew like a blind little cave dweller I felt like it had more soul, I've gotten objectively better at drawing then I’ve ever expected to and yet I just feel so stagnant 0_0, I even set up anti Popufur guidelines to follow and i basically threw it in the trash. I’ve done my best so set up my blogs in this hasty Scrap Book aesthetic, but it just looks sporadic and lazy. I worry that even if i get to a point of mostly confident comfort, i’m gonna be too jaded to appreciate anything I could potentially gain from this. The true freelance goal, making money from what you consider a passion, I don’t know if even that would make me feel like I did anything except spread a fictional parasite around the world for a couple years. It’s why they HAVE to have horror in them, I CAN’T make a Utopian fantasy world for people to waste their imaginary futures in. I know personally that they're unhealthy for the wannabe emotionals.

ANYWAY HERES MY ANTI POPUFUR GUIDE THAT I HAVENT FOLLOWED

(I’ll add more if i think of anY)

1. Don’t make a bg-storyless Asian American lynx with horns and leggings/ Don’t EVER steal attractive traits from other peoples lynx sonas(I’ve already twisted that first part with Apex in people finding her more fabulous then the greasy slime ball I saw her as, OBVIOUSLY I’m gonna draw her nicely for them if they like her, just don’t ever add a peace tea tattoo on her back)

2. Don’t ask rhetorical questions for extra comments(I ASKED WHAT THEY GOT FOR CHRISTMAS)

3. Don’t get political(I posted about lgbt when i was hormonal and havent posted anything about acab because I can’t draw dark skin properly + using that as an excuse)

4. Don’t be a fake personality/ maintain personal distance(I have a “I made this for-” format that matches how ridiculously boring I am, I’ve posted my age, gender and state I live in on the internet, I’ve wrote the word Fag down on this Tumblr, I’ve typed sickeningly cheery sentences I would never dream of saying to even my grandparents, I’ve used so many basic bitch emojis I no longer have a legal right to grimace at them in Walmart. I’ve posted Luden The Garbidge Raptor as my irl mascot, Apex as my furry mascot, Rapture as my pony mascot, and Cream as my cartoon mascot. I’m unemployed and forget to wear deodorant, yet I have 4 “mascots”... I am unpleasantly pleasant)

5.Don’t ever create something that’s so beloved people fight over it/ Don’t ever fight over something you’ve made(I don’t see this one being too difficult. You’re not a businessman but you can try to be professional, you’re not an art prodigy, your projects are unoriginal and arguably uninspired. Anyone who knows me personally could EASILY point out my inspirations and sources, I guarantee anyone who wastes as much time as me staring at pixels could give it a pretty good go without even knowing me)

6.Don’t EVER delete comments from others( IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT IT’S ALWAYS YOU'RE FAULT TO AN EXTANT. Impressing freaks is easy, getting normies in on the freak show, THAT’S the ultimate challenge.  Obviously if they're like spamming the N word or something I’m gonna delete it, but people are allowed to say my art sucks, being told I suck is what made me try harder to impress the unimpressed)

7.Don’t unironically post your characters floating in a void with lyrics to a modern pop song in the description.(.......scooby dooby doo...)

8.Don’t complain about people not buying/interacting w your posts in a place said people can read it, THIS is manipulation. (I’m simple, if someone says “Please share this!” I’ll share it. if they say “I doubt anyone will share this, share this if you’re LOYAL” I do not. If I walked into Arby’s and the cashier sobbed at me to buy extra onions, I’d probably never go back, it should be the same for art)

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

[safetyqueenofhell]

Uh, News?

((its ‘pume rants about life” time))

So uh...hi guys. Funny story. I started out this blog because I loved the headcanon, but was at first hesitant to because of my gender identity or rather, I felt shitty for putting the words in the mouth of a transgender character when I myself was cis. This is a feeling I’ve pretty much always had about the transgender community. I always liked to think myself supportive of this community, but because of a certain rhetoric that plagued me as a kid I never really felt as though I was allowed to relate.

My older sister was a bitch. I dont know if she is now, all I know is that she doesnt wanna feel like ‘the bad guy’ anymore so I’m not allowed to bring it up. She used to draw pictures of me dying in horrible painful ways and talk about how happy thinking of me being mutilated made her. She used to take pictures of me in the shower and show her friends. Eventually convinced mom to force me to watch her shower and let her sleep in my bed with me. Her reasoning to my mother was that she was afraid of serial killers and didnt want to be alone. What she told me was that if someone were to attack she wanted someone else for them to go after, and she loved mom, my dad, and my little sister too much to hurt them. I was expendable.

She also really liked yaoi. There was pretty much gay porn always on the search history of the family computer whenever I tried to look up kingdom hearts or naruto characters. She would causally joke with her friends that she she would trade me for a cute little uke brother in a heartbeat. 

When I was 13 I realized I was totally into girls. I (very famously) announced over the dinner table that I was a lesbian while asking my grandma to pass me the potatoes in the same sentence. My older sister was furious. She’d take every opportunity to tell me that I was making it up. That I wasnt really a lesbian, and in fact I was a horrible person for pretending to be a lesbian and invalidating the real struggles of the LGBT community.

This is not the first time I would hear shit like this from her. 

Also around this time I started bringing duct tape to school with me. Every day I’d sneak the tape into my backpack, then go to school and strap my breasts down in the bathroom. I didnt really know what it would accomplish, but I liked it. I liked seeing my breasts disappear under my shirt.  It wasnt the same as being allowed into the boys locker room like I wanted, but it was close enough. 

I started reading books about girls dressing up as boys going on adventures. Not just ‘Mulan’ shit (in fact I came to resent the movie because it is by far the most well known but also the worst depiction of the trope) but also Leviathan, Song of the Lioness, and to a lesser extent The Monstrous Regiment (which is hilarious & gay as all fuck 100% recommend) More then anything I wanted to pass for a boy, even before I knew what transgender was. I cut my hair, I wore the boys school uniform when I left home to go to boarding school, I fantasized about kindling a romance with my roommate. This wasnt to be, alas, (even tho Missa is a literal perfect human being and I love the shit out of her) but I did get to experiment with girls in the form of my first girlfriend ‘E’ and the girl who took my virginity, ‘C’. 

When I went home for the first time it was like returning to the darkness. I didnt realize how much I hated my home until I went back that first winter break. I would talk about my experiences (And since I had 0 shame) would also talk about girls. My sister wasnt having it. She’d shut me down in front of my own parents, insisting that I wasnt Bi because she’d never seen any of my girlfriends. Mom wanted us to repair our relationship so she’d make me drive around the street in circles talking to my sister as she repeatedly beat me down. 

The next couple of years at school were pretty much blended together. I became something of a “Come Out Kid” in that, for some reason, I was the first person a lot of people told when they started having homosexual or gender divergent thoughts. Particularly girls who didnt know they liked girls until they met me. Coupled with my sister’s abuse, this kinda gave me a fucked up sorta ego that makes other people uncomfortable to this day. I almost force myself not to believe so many people came out because it seems like it couldnt have happened, how could the disgusting leech of a person my sister convinced me I was have so many people be attracted to her? Even still, a fucked up multi-faceted ego is still very much an ago, so I had the confidence to date both boys and girls. I dont wanna get into it now but was also molested by both boys and girls. One of my best friends ‘A’ made her transition, and around senior year I began to suspect that I might be on the agender side as well. My other best friend ‘M’ told me that I only wanted to “Join A on the bandwagon” and I believed him instantly because that was the kind of fucked up person I was. 

I came home for break one year and saw my little sister had no contact with any boys at 13, which I found strange considering me and my older sister only hung out with boys at that age. my little sister’s dance studio was run by an entire staff of lesbians who were always incredibly supportive of sexuality and self expression. I thought it only natural that if my sister were gay then she’d probably be open about it. I suggested it to my mom. she threatened to disown me. when i said that was homophobic, she called me a monster for daring to call her such a horrible word. No, she wasnt homophobic. what she was was a mother of a confused 13 year old girl, and would not stand for me trying to police her young, undeveloped sexuality by saying the word ‘lesbian’ in front of her. 

That very same summer my older sister harassed me in a public restaurant making fun of the time “grace thought she was gay but was only faking for attention” and I looked into my mothers eyes as she said nothing. 

Cut to freshman year of college my older sister was graduating, and I was experimenting with my gender. My sister was ironically a psych major and graduating that year. Since I was forced to care about her again mom tried to force us to love each other by (you guessed it) more stuffing us in a car together and driving around. I admitted that I might be a boy. When I talked about wanting to look and fit in with boys she said if I ‘need to rely on societal norms to justify yourself you’re an anti-feminist and hate yourself for being a woman’ when i said that it just felt right she once again demanded ‘proof’ and went in idiotic circles from there until she slammed the breaks and said she said that I just hate myself and am desperate to be anything other then myself and I’m incredibly pathetic for doing so. She then said that if I were really a boy she’d love and accept me. But I’m not. she said that she forgives me for being such a horrible little sister and its high time i love myself too. she went on to say I’ve been faking my mental illness and I’ve always hated her for no reason and im ruining her life blah blah blah whatever. 

Tragic backstory unlocked you get it. 

Cut to now. Cut to making this blog. Cut to having the upmost respect and adoration to anyone who is able to come out of the closet. Not disgusting fetishists like myself, real people with real problems to overcome. I loved trans marco and related to her greatly, and made this blog. but soon people started asking me questions. asking for advice. and how the hell could I help? i had no idea what it was like to be trans. All my life I had only pretended to be LGBT so boys would pay attention to me. what could I possibly tell them? I started to look up terminology. I started to read memoirs. I might be a horrible fetishist who spits on the struggles of people who suffer by my mere existence, but goddamnit if anyone is looking at this blog I’m going to do my best to help them through their struggles. I’d agonize for days any time i got an ask about trans issues, trying to make the wording perfect to make up for the fact that i was cis scum capitalizing on the ‘fad’ of trans issues.

and you know fucking what. everything i found. everything i read. all of it i related to. all of it validated me. I thought about it, wrote down my feelings, talked to friends, and pretty much everyone agreed that why the fuck would i even lie about something like this? what could i possibly have to gain?

this is a whole lotta rambling for a whole little payoff. I guess what I’m trying to say is that...like. 

I think I’m a boy. I think I’ve always been one. 

I dont know if thats the same as being MtF or where the divergence between the experiences lay but. Every time i get mistaken for male i just get this flower of happiness in my heart. thats literally the image that comes to mind. just. happy. happiness rushing through my veins like glittery as fuck happy.

Idk what I even hope to accomplish with this. maybe I hope that, since I cant really come out to my family, I just want someone to...witness me? i dunno. But, Trans!marco helped me, even though I dont share any of her internal conflicts directly. So maybe someone else is reading this too. maybe someone else has been told they’re a faker. maybe someone else’s mother accused them of just trying to ‘get a reaction’ maybe someone else heard that mother bragging to her friends at dinner parties about how brave caitlyn jenner is and patting herself on the back for supporting her. but thank you everyone who has sent me asks. Thanks to all of you. I havent been paying much attention to this blog, and maybe the hiatus is gonna go on a little longer, but thanks to all of you for sticking with me. I love all of you. bless.

-Pume