#i wanted to make this rebloggable but i don't want my notes full of people missing the point and going 'im sure youre pretty op!!'

[wolverinedoctorwho]

when people tell me i'm pretty - vent poem

when people tell me i'm pretty i think we're looking at two different people.

when people tell me i'm pretty i think they couldn't possibly mean me. they mean the idea of me in their head. they mean the me that comes out of my mouth, my traits, my personality. i'm funny enough that they find me attractive.

when people tell me i'm pretty i think they're looking at me from a completely different angle. like watching a show on a monitor where the colors are more vibrant than they should be.

even on the days when i feel pretty, i couldn't tell you what features of mine are actually desirable. undesirable, sure. i wish i was in better shape, i wish my hair wasn't a mess all the time, i wish my face didn't just look "wrong" in photos without great lighting and effort.

when i wear skirts i feel the least feminine i've ever been. when i try to do my own makeup i feel like the kid in the movies everyone made fun of for putting on his mom's dresses. i feel like someone trying to do what's expected of them, and failing, miserably.

when people tell me i'm pretty, i want to tell them they're wrong. i want to tell them they don't have to say that, that it's ok for me not to be pretty, that it's fine if i'm average at best. i want to tell them it hurts more to hear that than it would to just not talk about my body ever.

whenever i dress up and try to do my own makeup i feel like the ugliest person alive, and when people tell me i look pretty that way or smile and compliment me on stepping out of my comfort zone i want to cry. why are they so invested in me getting a passing grade in gender expression?

when people tell me i'm pretty, i wonder why it bothers me so much. is there another word that would suit me better? or is it simply my own anxiety and dislike of my body that makes me uncomfortable? is it because growing up i was never remarked on positively, only chastised by my mother for my messy hair and my stretch-marked thighs and my small chest and my stomach that sticks out no matter what i do? is it because nobody my age ever told me i was pretty, only old people who would have said that to me no matter what?

my ex-boyfriend used to call me sexy. we'd be in his bathroom, nude in front of the mirror, and he'd smother me with compliments, and i would stare at myself in the mirror and wonder what he saw that i didn't. it's hard to leave a bad relationship when they're the only one who's ever found you sexy.

when people tell me i'm pretty, i wish for a moment that we could swap. that i could see the girl they think is so pretty, and they could see the me that i think is not. maybe then we would understand each other. maybe then i'd *get it*. maybe i'd think she's pretty, too.

when people tell me i'm pretty, i smile, and i thank them. like you're supposed to do when someone compliments you.

and then i change the subject.

[violetasteracademic]

Why do you think gwyn would be added as a love interest for azriel if they don’t end up as endgame? Why complicate the love triangle between elain/lucien/azriel?

Hello my lovely anon!

It can sometimes be hard to tell where the anonymous asks in my inbox are coming from. It is never my intention to argue or try to convince any other ships why they are wrong. I tag my work very carefully, ask my beloved rebloggers to do the same, and just want to stay in a cozy bubble. I think all ships are allowed, and the time I spend here breaking down the text and providing analysis is only for fun and comfort. I don't ever want or wish for my posts to end up in the wrong tags. Now that I've gotten that disclaimer out of the way, this is an ask where I can't *totally* tell what perspective it is coming from, but I am assuming it is being asked in good faith and I will answer how I typically do.

Point blank, I do not believe G/wyn was introduced as a love interest. Only Elain was.

I don't really know that I have anything else to add to that conversation, because people either think it was romantic or it wasn't. But I will say that I assume we can all agree on all sides that the bonus chapter is what led to the fervor of the G/wynriel ship as G/wyn quite literally replacing Elain as the romantic interest and not just a fun, enjoyable ship for those who don't jive with Elriel and want to carve out a space for themselves in the fandom. And as someone who has read all of SJM's bonus chapters and not just this one, I'm going to provide side by side comparisons using *only* bonus chapters that I can almost guarantee many people have not read- since most people don't read the bonus chapters. I still get comments on old tiktoks every day asking what the Azriel bonus chapter is and where to find it. And not once have I ever been asked about the myriad of other BC's out there.

Crescent City Spoilers ahead:

House of Sky and Breath has three bonus chapters. There is one in particular that is almost a carbon copy of G/wyn and Azriel's portion in his POV bonus, and it is the Tharion POV chapter with Hypaxia:

^^Both men head to a place where they assumed they would be alone, minds heavy and restless and needing to work off some tension before they could sleep- only to find their space already occupied.

^^They both flounder a bit with social niceties, awkwardness, being polite, the other person clearly wanting to be alone, and yet wind up falling into a conversation anyway.

^^ Both pairs experience surprise at being asked questions no one has ever asked them before. They also reveal information about themselves- and notably- both bonus chapters reveal heavy backstory or indications about unique or hidden powers.

^^ Both men experience some sort of lingering sensation that they could have sworn was happening after saying goodnight.

And last but not least:

Both Tharion and Azriel end on a particularly strong emotional note. Tharion is passing notes through Fitz back and forth with Hypaxia. He notes how he has never had such an instant, honest, and deep connection. He won't let anyone interfere with her birthright, and if she was in danger, he would risk everything he had to protect Hypaxia.

Azriel is secretly regifting a necklace to Gwyn, and feels truly happy at the thought that it might make her happy. He likes and respects her and is glad to think of being able to make her smile. (I of course think there is a reason for this, which I've broken down here but I also don't think it's necessary to minimize their friendship for this post.)

If you look at these two bonus chapters side by side, they are literally a copy and paste. Two people needing to be alone and winding up together, talking about things they have never talked about anyone with, and both men really powerfully feeling the strength and depth of a connection. And if you read Tharion's chapter in full, there are actually way more details of him talking about how beautiful and gorgeous she is, and how he has to stop himself from going down that road. But did this set up Hypaxia and Tharion as romantic love interests?

Nope. Hypaxia is queer as queer can be. Kitty only on her menu. But they develop a very genuine and close friendship. Because the thing is, SJM writes an incredible amount of deep and meaningful friendships between men and women. And they are always a blend of emotion, intimacy, a bit fun and flirty, full of banter, and true trust and connection. So as far as BC's, Azriel and G/wyn and Tharion and Hypaxia are the only comparable ones in her catalogue. And they are pretty damn comparable. It's also important to note that the Tharion and Hypaxia bonus chapter was included in the book where she is very much revealed as 100% queer and not even a little bi, so it's not like SJM was trying to create a red herring or a conversation. That's just how she writes her hetero platonic friendships. Take it up with her, man.

Meanwhile, the things that make it clear that a romantic interest is being introduced occurs in the Elain portion, and can be directly compared to the Nessian bonus chapter. Both men being willing to beg on their knees for a taste. Both men absolutely losing their minds over Elain and Nesta's scents. Both men knowing it was wrong, it was stupid, but being unable to stop themselves anyway. Both men having issues of what their family would think if they found out introduced (only Rhys DID find out and laid down that forbidden romance hard.)

Here's the thing- many people read Elain and Azriel as romantic for over four books and there were people out there like, nah, I don't see it, they are more like brother and sister. And then the bonus chapter confirmed, no, actually, they are wildly down bad and desperate for each other. Wanting to taste and touch and kiss each other- romantic interest confirmation. Fun and banter-y conversation occurring because two people needed to be alone but actually wound up in the same vicinity as someone else and had a deep conversation and talked about things they've never spoken about with anyone before-Platonic friendship. You can disagree. But it doesn't change the fact that right now, a group of fans are interpreting G/wyn and Azriel's interactions as romantic, and preferring it to Elain and Azriel's confirmed romantic interactions.

Sarah did not add G/wyn as a love interest and complicate things. The fandom did. Until Azriel is not sleeping, not thinking clearly, down bad desperate to get on his knees for G/wyn- and until G/wyn leans into his touch and says yes, they are actually currently friends. Could that change in the future? Totally. But Sarah literally has not written it yet.

I don't mind that the G/wyn ship exists. I love her. I have real life G/wynriel friends who are not online like we are. They are good people with good hearts who have different taste in Azriel's potential romance than me. They don't ride at dawn for Elain like I do, nor are they violently misogynistic against her or being toxic and hateful towards other women online. They just liked G/wyn's story and want more of her. That's okay. But it is important to pay attention to what has actually been written vs. what is being assumed by a group of people that openly dislike the only female character remaining with a confirmed book and who has been confirmed as a love interest.

Read Sarah's other bonus chapters! They are fun. Azriel's isn't the only one that has ever existed, but it seems like that sometimes (and I'll admit, it's amazing and I love it so fair). And nothing happened in the bonus chapter that is going to change the course or foreshadow to anything new. Not everyone has access to them, and bonus chapters do not create new plot. They are just an incentive to make money and secure pre-orders.

I think that's everything! You guys are awesome for reading these insanely long posts and vibing with me here. ily.

[sothasil]

4, 17, 25, 27, 39 for the OC asks :3

Introduce any character you want

Let's do two birds, one stone....with.............

A character you rarely talk about?

Answering this again because I don't talk much about my OCs anymore! I don't think I've ever talked about Sumasula on here yet. He's an AU of another of my characters. Wizards with big naturals being all the rage right now I thought I'd show him. He's all friendliness and flamboyance to the point where some see him as hiding something! Does he though? You can't know, because he spends his time helping people, so nobody has anything bad to say about him.

Any OC OTPs?

I don't tend to write romantic relationships. Even my OCs who are married have it as a side note in their story... Nothing comes to mind at all!

The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

That's a secret!

Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song?

In concept, no. But I heavily associate Richter with a few, mostly Acid Drinker's "Blues Beatdown". I write their stories based on songs! I have a full playlist. Never wrote down the stories I make up, so you can enquire further if you want.

Introduce any character you want

Meet

asks for you rebloggers out there

[keyboardandquill]

Under a read-more because I'm just talking myself through some things in preparation for the long-haul Muddy Middle here. Rebloggable if you wish, though I can't fathom why you'd want to ;P

I'm going to have to do more character-establishing work. There's a lot of ground to cover between what I want to accomplish and what I'm actually writing on the page. Maybe I'll start writing additional notes in the outlines for each scene:

What tone am I going for? Is this meant to be a heavy, angsty scene, or am I trying to go for light hearted? (This one's important because I looove throwing in an angst curveball when it's really unnecessary!)

In addition to plot advancement, how am I progressing the characters' arcs? How should their interactions change after whatever they learn or whatever happens in this scene?

How do they feel about what they learn/what's happening?

I especially want to focus on the developing feelings between my MC and her love interest. While I love a good sunshine character/grumpy character relationship, I usually write/read it from the perspective of the sunshine character.

So I've also been re-thinking the POV in this story. Do I want to switch between POVs so I can get my 'fix'? Do I want to make this be from a different POV (which would require extensive reworking, so, no I don't really want that)?

Maybe I simply need to look at each of their interactions through the lens of the sunshine character, then figure out what my grump is thinking at any given moment during this interaction.

Writing some surface-level dialogue without thoughts and asides would be a good start. Watch it from an outsider's perspective entirely, then figure out where to go from there.

I also need to figure out a few other things like pacing the frequency of heart-to-heart conversations and how much to reveal in each one.

AND also, and it's kind of silly that I'm thinking of this so far into the development process, but why are they attracted to each other in the first place?

What are all the little things that build up into one big thing? Or, if I go the intended route with Hawthorne and have him fall for Beck almost immediately for Reasons, how can I support that infatuation with evidence and turn it into a solid foundation for actual love?

It's not even a romance story but I so badly want to write a satisfying buildup for them ;-; I don't want it to feel shoe-horned.

And none of that is even mentioning the other two members of the squad. I should write a few vignettes for Yarrow and Cal to get a feel for their voices as well. I know I want Yarrow to be a bubbly 12-year-old, but so far I've written her as kind of sullen. Time to fix that!

Some things I know about her so far: She latches on to people who show her kindness. She is naive about people's intentions, but not unaware that bad people exist in the world. She is afraid of what will happen if her secret (an implant in her leg) is revealed to the group—she thinks they'll shun her because she has built up a superstition due to lack of understanding, so she takes great pains to hide it. Eventually, the truth comes out in a pivotal moment, which will be the basis for all sorts of fun plot things :)

In addition to all that, I'm not even sure what's going on with Calamus. I'm figuring out his character as I go—I have a few thoughts in mind, but nothing solid yet. He'll be a fun one to create because in my head he's already very nuanced. He's full of contradictions! He contains multitudes. He's cowardly but cocky, he's self-serving but undertaking this perilous journey for the greater good, he's a follower who tries to be a leader.

In a similar way that Hawthorne is a foil for Beck, I think Cal is a foil for Hawthorne. There to contrast and highlight Hawthorne's strengths by his own weaknesses. But he has his own (very good) reasons for being on this quest himself, so under all of the negative qualities, there's a solid conviction which will lead to some interesting choices and plot-relevant stuff later on.

So I'll also need to have scenes that specifically showcase the contrast between the characters.

Maybe I could start a scene checklist of all the things I want to write in the novel, keep the list nearby while I write, and check them off as I go. That way, even if I veer off-course plot-wise, the emotional stuff I want to develop can still make its way in there. It's like solving a problem! I know the solution I want (emotional bonding!) and the plot is just how they get there.

Okay this has been a productive rant and I've given myself a lot to think about. If you happened to read this whole thing, I'm glad you stuck around! If you have opinions on anything I said, I'd love to hear it.