#i was an sjm fan at the time so this floored me. yikes

[six-of-cringe]

Because it's happened to me a billion times with other fandoms containing queer ships - if I were an outsider to the SoC fandom and just caught glimpses of fan works/posts, I'd have to wonder if Jesper and Wylan were actually canonically together or if fans just made it up so hard they tricked me into thinking it's real. like ok are these little crime guys actually in love this time or are we feeling left out again.

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: The Assassin’s Blade, Ch 28-29

A great way to start your first year in college is reading shitty YA novels.

We open up with Celery and some other assassins helping Ilias and the Master.

A few sniffs revealed that the wine had been laced with a small amount of gloriella, just enough to paralyze him, not kill him. (...) How had he not noticed it before he drank? Perhaps he wasn’t as humble as he seemed; perhaps he’d been arrogant enough to believe that he was safe here.

I am going to lose my shit. I am actually going to go insane.

You didn’t fucking notice either Celery you goddamn waste of space piece of shit!!!!!!! You were drugged the same as him, you don’t get to act all high and mighty!!!!! Fuck you, Celery. I was considering snarking the rest of the series but Jesus Christ this is actually making me fucking exhausted to the point where I don’t know if I can handle it.

The next few pages do that shitty thing where each scene is only a sentence or two long and they have to use the scene indicator a million times and it looks fucking ugly. Look at this.

Shit’s ugly, man. Anyways, Celery lets Ansel go even though she murdered innocent people and generally fucked everything up because of reasons, I suppose.

The Master calls Celery into his room later to talk (yeah, he can talk now) to her about how poor Ansel lost her family. Yeah, still doesn’t justify her murdering Mikhail and other people who considered her their friends.

He walked to a latticework hutch, as if he were giving her the time to regain her composure, and pulled out a letter. By the time he returned to her, Celaena’s eyes were clear. “When you give this to your master, hold your head high.” She took the letter. Her recommendation.

I wish the Master was in a better book, he truly deserves it.

He also gives Celery a bunch of gold to help pay off her debts, and even though I hate Celery and she doesn’t deserve it, the Master is too pure, too good for this world?

Sunlight gleamed on the gold inside, reflecting through the room like light on water. All that gold … and the piece of Spidersilk the merchant had given her … she couldn’t think of the possibilities that wealth would open to her, not right now. “When you give your master his letter, also give him this. And tell him that in the Red Desert, we do not abuse our disciples.

I think I stan him now? Yeah, I stan a minor character whose never gonna appear again. That’s how shitty the cast is in this book.

With that, that brings this shitty, shitty story to a close. I hate this one the most so far; horrible writing, horrible characters, Celery continues to grow even more unlikable, and there wasn’t even any Sammy in there to cling onto. Let’s just start the next one.

The next story is called The Assassin and the Underworld. Ow the edge.

The cavernous entrance hall of the Assassins’ Keep was silent as Celaena Sardothien stalked across the marble floor, a letter clutched between her fingers.

And we’re starting off with another Celery POV. Joy. At least The Healer short story allowed us tiny breaks with Yrene. Will I ever get my beloved Sammy POV?

So Celery marches into Arobynn’s study and tosses the letter at him, growing immediately pissy when he doesn’t open it.

She looked at the exquisite red carpet beneath her feet. Someone had done a splendid job of getting all the blood out. How much of the blood on the carpet had been hers—and how much of it had belonged to Sam Cortland, her rival and co-conspirator in the destruction of Arobynn’s slave agreement?

Good lord SJM, we know who Sammy is, stop info dumping us about shit we already know.

“If I could take back that night, Celaena, I would.” He leaned over the edge of the desk, his hands now forming fists.

So Arobynn pulls the abuse shtick of apologizing again and again for abusing Celery, and I hope to god she isn’t stupid enough to fall for it.

“Every day,” he went on. “Every day since you left, I’ve gone to the temple of Kiva to pray for forgiveness.” She might have snorted at the idea of the King of the Assassins kneeling before a statue of the God of Atonement, but his words were so raw. Was it possible that he actually regretted what he had done?

I swear to fucking god if I have to read Celery forgiving her abuser and handwaving his abuse away I am actually going to Kermit

Father, brother, lover—he’d never really declared himself any of them. Certainly not the lover part, though if Celaena had been another sort of girl, and if Arobynn had raised her differently, perhaps it might have come to that. He loved her like family, yet he put her in the most dangerous positions. He nurtured and educated her, yet he’d obliterated her innocence the first time he’d made her end a life. He’d given her everything, but he’d also taken everything away.

I am actually cringing so hard right now this is a major Yikes. Regardless of how many presents he buys you or if he acts nice sometimes, he’s still an abuser! He still beat the shit out of you and threatened to kick you out of your home if you didn’t get what he wanted!

So yeah Celery decides “oh well I’m not telling him about the gold I have and my plans to leave him” so fuck the Mute Master for giving you all that gold, I guess? Fuck you, Celery, just fuck you.

“Benzo Doneval is coming to Rifthold,” Arobynn said. Celaena cocked her head. She’d heard of Doneval—he was an immensely powerful businessman from Melisande, a country far to the southwest, and one of Adarlan’s newer conquests

Another boring fucker like Lord Berick who probably won’t even make an appearance? Seems likely.

Doneval is friends with a queen of Melisande that surrendered her crown to the King of Adarlan and he’s here to discuss building a trading road to help get some wealth rolling in Melisande.

Doneval also wants to set up a slavery trade in Adarlan, so Arobynn has been hired to take him out. Great. More of using slaves to prop Celery up, I see.

She was beginning to see where this was going. Doneval was practically wrapped in a ribbon for her. All she had to do was find out what time the meeting would take place, learn his defenses, and figure out a way around them.

I cannot wait to see how she fucks up this supposedly easy mission.

And even though there was no excuse in this world for what he had done, Arobynn was all she had. The history that lay between them, dark and twisted and full of secrets, was forged by more than just gold. And if she left him, if she paid off her debts right now and never saw him again …

Yeah, you read that right. Celery forgives her abuser because he raised her. Holy fuck, this is very uncomfortable for personal reasons I’m not going to get into, but just because someone raises you doesn’t mean you owe them shit. Fucking hell, SJM, do you know how humans function? Do you read your own shitty novels before you send them off to be printed?

Celery peaces out of there after lowkey forgiving her abuser which is. sjkhakdhkadhjk.

A passing servant bowed his head, eyes averted. Everyone who worked here knew more or less who she was, and would keep her identity secret on pain of death

But like??? Just???? Why?? Why is this a thing why why why why.

She clenched her hands into fists and was about to whirl and stomp back down the stairs to tell Arobynn that she was leaving and that he no longer owned her, when someone stepped into the elegantly appointed hall. Sam Cortland.

THERE HE IS THERE’S MY BOY THERE’S MY BOY

I missed Sammy so much holy shit, I can’t believe I’m actually excited to read this book for once. Sammy deserves such a better series.

No missing limbs, no limp, no indication of anything haunting him. His chestnut hair had gotten a little longer, but it suited him. And he was tan—gloriously tan, as if he’d spent the whole summer basking in the sun.

I’m so happy in fact, I barely did more than roll my eyes at the tanning thing. Sammy is here and he’s not maimed or harmed! No doubt that’ll change by the end for Celery’s angst but let me have this while it lasts.

“Are you hurt?” Sam asked quietly, taking another step closer. It took her a moment to realize that his imagination had probably taken him to a far, far worse place when she said someone had held a blade to her throat.

Please tell me that wasn’t a casual reference to sexual assault. Please tell me.

He was now looking more closely at her, at the almost invisible white line along her cheek—another gift from Ansel—at her hands, at everything. His lean, muscled body tensed. His chest had gotten broader, too.

I love how Sammy was implied to be an average sized dude until SJM decided Celery needs to thirst for him, and then BAM instant broad shouldered buff hottie. This series is so fucking ridiculous we are reaching Twilight levels.

“Sam!” a dark-haired, green-eyed young woman chided, laughter on her lips. “There you—” The girl’s eyes met Celaena’s. Celaena stopped smiling as she recognized her.

Oh great, more fucking girl hate. Listen, I’m not gonna pretend all women are perfect delicate angels who do nothing wrong and that all women get along 100% of the time but I’m sick and tired of all girls in YA not getting along. Why can’t girls just... be friends? Be civil and kind to one another? You know, how it mostly is in real life?

“Lysandra,” Celaena echoed. She’d met Lysandra when they were both ten, and in the seven years that they’d known each other, Celaena couldn’t recall a time when she didn’t want to beat in the girl’s face with a brick.

Oh great, it’s Lysandra to boot. Those who read my E0S know she was a decent character, certainly one who deserved better than to be a love interest for Assdion. Can’t wait for Celery to slut shame her a million times in this novel!

Apparently Lysandra and Celery cat fight all the time and one time Lysandra stole a fan from Celery so she beat the shit out of her. Lovely.

“[Arobynn] invited your future clients here?” “Oh, no.” Lysandra giggled. “This is just for me and the girls. And Clarisse, of course.” She used her madam’s name, too, like a weapon, a word meant to crush and dominate—a word that whispered: I am more important than you; I have more influence than you; I am everything and you are nothing.

Literally nothing that Lysandra said implied any of that, but go off on how important you supposedly are, Celery. She doesn’t have the brain power to comprehend people’s lives don’t revolve around her.

Lysandra lifted her chin, looking down her delicately freckled nose at Celaena. “My Bidding is in six days. They expect me to break all the records.” Celaena had seen a few young courtesans go through the Bidding process—girls trained until they were seventeen, when their virginity was sold to the highest bidder.

I know shit like this happened in real life, but the fact that Lysandra is excited about it is.... bleh. I already know SJM is gonna be super fucking tasteless about serious topics like this.

“Sam,” Lysandra went on, putting a slender hand on his arm, “has been so helpful with making sure all the preparations are ready for my Bidding party.” Celaena was surprised at the swiftness of her desire to rip that hand right off Lysandra’s wrist. Just because he sympathized with the courtesans didn’t mean he had to be so … friendly with them.

Oh, fuck you, Celery. Just because you have a crush on Sammy doesn’t mean he owes you shit. If he wants to be with Lysandra, that’s his right and he has no obligations to return your feelings!!! But no, use it as an excuse to slut shame Lysandra. You fucking piece of shit.

Though Lysandra’s virginity was unquestionable—it had to be—there were plenty of other things that she could still do. Things that she might have done with Sam …

This fucking bitch I swear to god.

1. Way to slut shame and portray it as a good thing if the girl “‘deserves it”“, SJM!

2. So what if Sammy and Lysandra had sex with each other? Sammy has no obligation to like you back or save himself for you. Jesus fucking christ.

Celery runs off to have a cry and literally nobody gives a shit. The end.