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only just realized how blatantly obvious it is that I suffer from OCD
#fucking uhhhh WHHHOOOPS#i was just like 'oh thats just my autism'#even tho both my dad and his mom have ocd and me and my brother both have the exact traits exasperated by trauma#oh you mean cleaning obsessively and walking back and forth down the house a specific amount of times checking locks and washing my hands#until they literally bleed ISNT normal??#listen..... tbf i thought it was my autism / pshychosis was just overlapping#also my recent traumas really made me like 100x worse LMAO
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Ok I can't keep it in my drafts this time. enlighten me if you want; why do people think Diluc is like, a good guy?
Let me be clear, I love Diluc, but I also think he's kind of a shithead. I don't think his actions towards Kaeya can ever be construed as reasonable, his decision to seek vengeance alone irresponsible (even if Kaeya encouraged him), and his vigilantism a product of his paternalistic belief that only he knows what's good for Mondstadt (untrue).
Diluc in the present is the man trying to come back from the bad person he has been. But his solution is to force himself to do a job he never thought he'd have and challenge random Fatui factions to a fight so he can torture them in his basement. I think he has the capacity for good in him, and is trying to change, but I don't see why people think that his actions were all totally a good idea and when we say he's "an uncrowned king of Mond" that's not like, frightening.
#talking point#diluc#not brave enough to put this in his full name tag lmaooo#but no genuinely i just sorta see diluc as being made very untrusting of authority because of crepus' bitterness about the kof#people act like hes right and the KOF arent effective when like... they are? diluc just doesn't like that in his eyes they betrayed him#which isnt even really true but hed know that if he hadnt left jean and kaeya in the lurch to deal with the corruption in the organization#anyway diluc has unchecked anger issues (and autism) and is a victim of his inability to trust others enough to be part of their community#and like 2024 diluc is definitely the closest to better weve seen clearly he likes the traveler and their presence is a great help here#but mond is a land of freedom it has no place for kings#diluc knows this too#god forgive me for speaking negatively of popular blorbo who i also happen to like a lot#i just like him... because he is fucked up and trying#oh in b4 someone says that diluc wasnt acting rationally vis a vis kaeya bc daddy died: i know#in fact i think he may have been under the influence of the delusion (hc) but thats not my point#the point is i dont think anything kaeya couldve said was worth trying to kill him over thx#if this post disappears in a couple hours its cause i got scared people were gonna boo me for it
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me as a kid: i have all these problems
every adult around me: you're not old enough to know what's wrong with you, you're fine
me as an adult: i still have all these problems
my doctors after i finally got the opportunity to choose them myself: oh my fucking god why have you never gotten help for all these problems. you should have seen me 10 years ago
#problems i have finally gotten help for that i was told i was not old enough to know about:#AMPS (was told it was anxiety and then when i kept coming back they said it was fibro Quite Literally just to get me to shut up)#(like the doc i just saw literally said 'they diagnose fibromyalgia here when they dont know what the problem is but dont feel like testing)#multiple food allergies (was also told the stomach pain and vomiting was anxiety)#seborrheic dermatitis (i was told 'youre just stressed thats why you have a rash')#(which- if im so stressed my skin is literally dying MAYBE I STILL NEED HELP?????????)#autism and adhd (my father knew! but refused to get me assessed bc if i dont have a diagnosis theres no problem right :)#anxiety disorder (oh so when I'm in pain i DO have anxiety but when i say i have anxiety I'm overreacting okay)#dyscalculia and possibly dyslexia ('you just need to try harder' I've asked for a tutor five times)#some of my doctors don't actually believe me about some of these problems BECAUSE i have no records from when i was a kid#they're like 'it just popped up at 18? seems suspicious......' like I WASN'T ALLOWED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR'S UNTIL THEN#there's definitely more but I'm still mad abt it#i might not be in a wheelchair Almost All The Time if i had gotten help BEFORE i lost half the feeling in my legs#i KNEW the fibro was a BS diagnosis#i tried to get assessed for autism at 16 and was told i have schizotypal personality disorder instead with literally zero testing#like my psych just refused to allow me to get tested for autism she was like 'no you have spd i Just Know'#same psych that said there was zero way i had anything like DID because my symptoms didn't present Exactly like the Only other#patient at the clinic with DID. i want to note that that was a 14 year old boy still being actively abused#and i was a 20 year old who was in a safe environment and had distanced myself from my abusers and stressors
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the physical therapist after listening to me describe my pain as a rock stuck in my neck instead of "dull" or "sharp" : okay... and on a scale of 1-10 how would you rate this pain?
my autistic ass who just described my muscle pain from a concussion with a metaphor: a 5 or maybe a 7... POINT FIVE.
the physical therapist: .....
#like what the hell does anyof that mean#what is sharp pain#i dont fucking get it#im used to pretending to get it though but i just had a therapy appointment right before#about masking my autism and lying to people that i understand things they are saying#even though i dont understand#so i just sat there in silence after a lot of her questions about describing my pain#because i was really trying o describe it honestly in the terms provided#but i still dont get it...#what is the difference between dull or achy#i just said its uncomfortable#and when i lay down to sleep it feels like my bones arent aligned correctly#and when the pt looked at me without saying anything after that#i realized thats not how im supposed to describe it#so i kept yapping using different metaphors and shit#yes the rock in my neck one#fucking WHATEVER#anyways she starting feeling around my neck#and was like#your muscles are so sore and tender!!! you will have to come in more often than i thought. twice a week and we should do dry needling#i was like oh ok
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re: last post: i think some of you are conflating correlation with causation tbh. like there’s a lot of neurodivergent gifted kids but gifted kids are not inherently neurodivergent, its a different phenomenon
#tbh its giving ‘’autism is NOT a disability and youre ableist to autistics if you say that’’#or like. idk i notice that a lot of nd people that are low needs are pretty shitty to nd people who have high needs#like as if to go ‘’oh THOSE people dont REPRESENT the community. we’re the REAL community because we can talk normal hehe <3’’#and i dont think thats what those people specifically are doing but idk#echoed voice#the most bizarre interactions ive had are when i mention the ableism around autism#and people go ‘’???? why on EARTH would anyone hate an autistic person? theyre so smart! id love to hang with one!’’#and im like oh you do not live on the same plane of existence as me wtf#bonus points: later that same person interacts with an autistic person and freaks out and gets pissed off#so trying to go ‘’oh Being Smart counts as being neurodivergent!’’ sets off red flags to me#bc my automatic question is just. ok how do you act around nd people that you deem ‘’stupid’’
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sorry i havent posted anything heres a sketch page for rose and katniss's dynamic
if ur interested here's mommy katniss i have like six more chapters partially written . if youre attached to like happy marriage loving family peeniss tread carefully bc thats NOT WHAT IT IS AT ALL
#im not tagging this . this ones just for my followers#katniss is panem's first female deadbeat dad. TO ME.#i know a lot of people like the idea of katniss and peeta like healing and getting better. well I DONT i think they should get worse#grief is a bitch and katniss is already prone to being so crazy toxic and thats what i love about her#like i think katniss is a deeply stunted individual while peeta was essentially forced to change which makes for an. interesting dynamic :)#anyway if you want more of my katniss thoughts well you can just ask i think about her all the time i have so many notes and annotations#anyway sorry for the autism. bye.#oh this is a scene from veep that reminds me of them. whatever.
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I hate when I’ll be complaining about some stupid bullshit a coworker does to other coworkers and half the time their response is to lower their voice and go “well…. You know…. I’m pretty sure they’re… on the spectrum, you know?” And every time I have a split second when I have to consider saying “you know I’m autistic, right?” just to make them vaguely uncomfortable for a few minutes and actually think about what they’re implying but of course I do not do that because the gratification is not worth a large sect of shitty coworkers knowing that about me and then talking about me like that every time I do something vaguely annoying or dumb but man…. It does get tempting sometimes
#like idk!!! sometimes the coworkers in question DO display some common autistic traits#but that is NEVER what is being complained about (at least not by me) so WHY are we bringing it up like that el oh el#like when I say ‘yeah I don’t like this coworker because of the shitty fucking things she did to my friend’#the response should not be ‘well I think she’s autistic isn’t that so funny she’s so obsessive about stuffed animals it’s annoying’#shut up shut up SHUT UP AND DIE#I don’t CARE that they talk too loud I don’t CARE that they’re bad a social cues I don’t CARE that they do ‘weird things’#and it’s so. HFDJSJKSKSKS AAAGGHHHHH#whether they’re autistic or not MAYBE that’s not what should be getting brought up during a conversation like that when it has NOTHING to do#with it#also maybe we shouldn’t be doing shit like whispering ‘on the spectrum’ like its some awful terrible thing#just thoughts idk#and the thing is too is that even if I told these ppl I was autistic#they would 100% be the types that are like ‘oh? but you don’t ACT autistic I don’t think you are’#like actually I got very good at masking for these reasons thnx#also you think autism = Sheldon from the Big Bang theory and nothing else#but I already learned my lesson cuz I told a coworker that I wasn’t sure about exactly twice#one of them went ‘oh THATS why you’re so dumb and don’t realize when other ppl don’t like you and take advantage of you’#and then the other one went on a mansplaining spiel about how me being autistic was why adhd meds didnt work on me??????#so yeah. never doing that again. haha. hahahaha. hahahaha……#this actually happened a few days ago but it’s been Bothering me so much#I hate my fucking job….#kaz rambles
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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i was with a girl that said “neurospicy” and things of that nature last week and i keep thinking how i said it once in conversation to clarify what i was talking about and i want to scrub my mouth out LMAO
#bro............#i rly strugle w ppl who have similar issues to me but dont shut up about their labels and talk about it all the time#like girl just be urself u dont have to say oh thats my adhd oh thats my autism#babe shut da fuck up
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ok. after having that bandage covering part of my arm for a week i think ibcan confidently say. i could never be a body hair haver
#if i had the money for laser. man. in a fucking heartbeat#it feels SO bad to me. & like not just bc it was covered the whole time & then suddenly wasnt bc there was a strip where i had to tape when#i showered so i couldnt shave it but it was otherwise uncovered & that was Bad the whole time too#but jesus fucking christ people just. deal w this?? u guys can just HANDLE being able to feel EVERY LITTLE THING??? it doesnt bother u to#have something brush against your arm and feel every little hair move??? the water when i washed my hands. oh my god. horrible#and people just. deal with this on their WHOLE BODIES??? i couldnt i think i would actually fucking lose it#ALSO TAKING THAT TAPE OFF. AGONIZING. IT PULLS ON IT ITS SO BAD. HOW DO U WEAR BANDAGES LIKE THAT#its probably just the autism but man. absolutely not. it is not for me#anyway making this one unrebloggable bc ppl on this webbed site dont know how to act when ppl post their own opinion abt their own body#idfc what other ppl do with their body hair. thats their business. this is about me .
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Being autistic with extreme hyperfixations is so funny bc i'll be like "Yea I'm p sure I'm mulitfandom/mulitshipper" and then I only focus on one hyperfix for months/year on end, go silent until I pick up something else and never speak about that hyperfix again. Or get uncomfortable of another ship involving one of the characters of the ship i'm extremely attached too. And then I realize I am neither of those, but in fact a secret third thing.
#For clarifcation: Im def not the type of person to hate on every ship that isnt my own nor am I the type of person to attack others or be-#those “I don't ship but its cute” NO!!!!#I'm just like. Its kinda like yumeshippers and non sharing#I respect it But im gonna stick to my own thing personally unless somehow I get attached (Ship and Fixation wise)#Open minded But its just REAALLLYY Hard to get me to be interested in another fixation bc i'm so hyperfocused#Honestly its only friends that really get me interested in stuff easier cuz I trust them oh so much and I love those guys. Even if Im not-#I Still have fun and make sure to engage with them bc Yay I love having fun when i'm able too engage#Idk if anyone else has this same outlook. Esp when you have autism but its just a big personal-#trait of mine when it comes to community spaces#I also try not to interact with the fandom as much. And just do my own thing. But I look to it for news and info and other cute stuff#jabbering#Or maybe im just annoying who knows#Idk I'm seeing one BS ship thats weirdly making me go eeeuugh no thanks but it could be bc of how one artists draws it im not sure its-#Complicated i'm an odd person I suppose
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its been fun watching the hbomb subreddit try very very hard to stick to the "if anyone harasses james on my behalf they wont see the light of heaven" by imo overcorrecting to "any time anyone mentions somerton ever it's because you're obsessed with him and want to pick on him because he's the villain of the week" bc its like. yknow actually i dont think people keeping an eye on his various attempts to weasel back into the spotlight and keep doing his same old shit over the last /two months/ is the same as harassing him because it's hip and fun. i think maybe those are not the same thing
#and like obv yes its possible to do both but idk#im just kinda like. 'dont harass him' and 'ignore him completely even if hes continuing to do shitty things' are um#different. those are different#origibberish#i will say though that subreddit is very good for gauging if im getting weirdly parasocial at him#like i still have yet to do that at a celebrity i like afaik because i just. Dont Like Celebrities usually#so now that i have one (1) that autism brain has finally decided to look up to im like Uh Oh Is It Finally Time#and then i see posts on there sometimes and im like. ohhh ok no i get it now#and i mean i can see why they feel that way‚ its the hbomb subreddit and Thats The Most Recent Hbomb Video#and it had yknow. immediate and impressive results#so of course people are going to a) talk about it a lot and b) talk about the aftermath as it happens#and if youre in the 'only talking about this one guy' group and that one guy has only talked about one other guy in the last Year#like. yeah . youre mostly gonna be hearing about that guy#oh parasocial abt hbomb not abt somerton i just realized how the phrasing there was weird jwhfksbfk#that being said i literally made a post like two weeks ago abt how i didnt actually know his first name so like i think im probably good#my scope of knowledge about him extends Exclusively to whats In His Videos#or well and i guess to like. patreon posts too but i tend to just dismiss patreon notifs without reading them a lot KENFKSNFMDB#like yeah yeah this show i follow posted their podcast i dont follow early for patreon subs i dont care get out of my way
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You know. I'm part of the fraction "to each their own and let people handle their lives however they see best fit". But I do feel the need to say that I have seldom seen such an idiotic assumption as that breaking up with someone four days before someone's birthday when you also want that someone to do something for their birthday even though you know you and your soon-to-be-ex will both have to be there won't end with that person just not doing anything with anyone for their birthday. Partially because nobody wants that kind of awkwardness after a fresh breakup and also because the soon-to-be-ex has the lovely habit of wallowing in self pity and making everything about how they have it so bad. You know I just think in such cases you should've waited a week with the breakup. I don't care how much you want to fuck that other guy but I really think you should've waited a week.
#delete later#sigh why always me...#can't somdone else get the complicated people for once#annoying#the soon-to-be-ex complained today in the group chat that nobody wouod ever go to a pub with him#when that is literally not the case#we would all go? he just never asked? and anytime someone else wants to go party or jusz out 90% of the time the answer is no?#I've known that guy for 13 years now and somehow it just does not get easier#like? anytime someone else asks him it's always “no i don't want to” but then you complain about how nobody would want to do anything#the call coming from inside the house is all I'm saying#'' oh but I couldn't go anyways I wouldn't fit“ ''why? nobody cares about random strangers thats usually not how people work''#'' thats not true'' ''they literally don't care though.'' ''not when that person looks 13'' ''yeah no they still literally wouldn't care''#''they would'' ''they wouldn't. people never do. why would they make an exception for you?'' and then no answer to that#because you can't argue against that anymore without having to confront the fact you're wrong#but then I'm getting told im not empathetic enough#i know i lack empathy I'm aware but I do make an attempt for serious situations. i just don't think stuff like that is serious.#especially when i once mentioend i think my father thinks I'll end up living off of state wellfare and become a disappointment#and the only reply to that was ''how did he arrive at that really likely assumption?'' my brother in christ do not complain to me about lack#of empathy I'm not the one telling people their fears of becoming the family disappointment are well founded and realistic#I'm not even going to excuse that through some ''oh autism'' stuff like no thats just tactless and mean#or all the condescending comments whenever i go out to ''party''#it's just drinking with some people i know it's not really partying#but I'm not the one looking down on people for experiencing stuff#contrary to popular assumption I'm actually really cool and i know that. that's why people ask me to do stuff with them.#because i don't say no 99% of the time and then complain that nobody would ever want to do something with me when that's just plain wrong#i also totally get why she wants to break up#how do you actively refuse to meet your partners friends for half a year and expect that to not become an issue.#how do you actively say you're not interested in doing anything for your partner and expect that to last#how do you whine about being a bad partner but never attempt to do better#i wish i could defend him here but i can't that dude is a horrible boyfriend
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Autism is in fact real. While the symptoms are things that most people experience to a degree, the difference between the average person and someone who is autistic is the level at which they experience these things. While most people can miss social cues, a person with autism may miss them even when they are being specifically pointed out. Everyone feels discomfort at unpleasant stimuli, but someone with autism is far more likely to become incapacitated by such situations. The diagnosis is not 'illegitimate' as you put it. Though it also does not mean there is something wrong with someone, or that they are inherently different from people as a whole, it is simply something to be aware of to make ways of coping with certain problems and sensitivities easier.
Extraordinarily insensitive of you to call it 'illegitimate' like that.
Alright. My apologies, I suppose.
#tma rp#cw internalized ableism#ooc: im so sorry for the short response. i tried writng an essay back to you. but jonah is just like. Okay#people have been armchair diagnosing him enough that hes indifferent at best#hes like Okay its real. i still think thats stupid#also personally (bear in mind before you read this that im diagnosed autistic) that the idea of a diagnosis being objectively real enough#thst it can be Known as such. is. interesting!#as in genuinely interesting. like yeah theres very real brain difference but. autism as a diagnosis. is it objectively real?#i dont mean this in the way jonah says it 'oh this is bullshit' i mean it more like. idk. questioning psychiatry & ideas of objectively rea#anyway sorry for the tag essay. putting this in tags strips a lot of nuance out so please dont like. attack me when i havent fully explained#my meaning. thanks
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i answered 3 asks today so like. whose the real girlfail
#sophie speaks#tbf its been another BAD day for me#i love when my illness flares up in a way thats both triggering and extremely painful <3 <3 <3#its just. so tiring man#why is age regression a thing as well oh my GOD is it embarrassing. like im an adult!!! the autism stereotypes nooo!!#anyways as always would NOT recommend DID. it got me through public school (ignore that i dropped out) i dont need it anymore
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look at all that autistic swag!!
#apollo justice#shitpost#autism creature#apollo is CLEARLY autistic guys im so sorry but like#im autistic and i relate to him SO MUCH#specific things:#constantly rolled up sleeves (some days i cannot handle the feeling of long sleeves touching my WRISTS its AGONY)#problems with volume control (i accidentally yell a lot and have a lot of problems speaking at a 'normal' volume)#noise sensitivity ALONGSIDE the volume issues (he has to leave klaviers concert early to hang out backstage bc its too loud)#theres more but those are some things i dont see people bring up very much#hes so coded#(<- just watch someones gonna be like 'oh thats actually a different mental issue with you specifically)
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