#i was laughing so fucking hard at my pathetic little boyfriend getting repeatedly punched in the face while already passed out

[lesbianpegbar]

the tonal whiplash of watching 5’2” daniil dankovsky getting his gay ass pummeled into the ground and then immediately having a serious cutscene of military occupation was unrivaled

[starlightxsvt]

Smoke || Jeon Wonwoo au

Paring: Wonwoo x Female reader

Genre: angst, friends to lovers, some fluff, slight smut

Warnings: cursing

A pair of hands land on your shoulders and you jump slightly, a squeak leaving your lips.

"Wonwoo! You scared me!" You hiss, clutching your chest, putting down the books in your hand. Your shift in the library is almost over.

Wonwoo gives you a soft smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"Wanted to surprise you. I was free so I thought I'd walk you home." He shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets. You frowned at him slightly, knowing he was hiding something but you let it go for the moment.

"That's really nice of you." You mutter, arranging the books.

He says nothing but watches you do your work quietly.

"I have to stop by the convenience store, do you mind?" You ask as both of you walk side by side, accompanied by the night silence.

"No. Let's go."

You pick up the materials you needed and put them in the small cart, all the while wondering what's wrong with Wonwoo. You knew very well that he didn't visit you to walk you home but because something was bothering him.

You like Wonwoo, more than a close friend. You really liked him but he was rather oblivious to your feelings which you were glad about. You know Wonwoo is seeing someone and even if he didn't, he'd never reciprocate your feelings. As much as it hurt you, Wonwoo was a precious friend and you didn't want to loose him just because of your pathetic unrequited feelings.

You walk to the counter to pay, followed by a quiet Wonwoo who, once reaches there, picks one of the cigarette packets and takes out his money.

You look at him, a little shocked. It was been quite a while since Wonwoo smoked. It took a lot of work on your part to stop that habit of his and seeing him do it again made you upset and realize that something, indeed, was wrong.

"What's wrong, Wonwoo?" You ask once you step out of the store.

"What do you mean?" He doesn't meet your eyes but lights up a cigarette.

You watch him blow out a smoke and sigh,"You are smoking. I thought you said you didn't need to smoke while you're with me."

I don't feel like smoking when you're with me. I just need you, he'd said.

Wonwoo huffs out a breath and sits down at one of the stairs in front of the store. You take a seat beside, maintaining a safe distance from the smoke he breathed.

"Audrey broke up with me."

Oh, so this was the issue.

You don't say anything, instead stare at your feet. He speaks, "She left with that jerk."

"You saw this coming, Wonwoo." You speak quietly.

"Yea but I tried!" He snaps. "I tried my best so that this day would never come. I did everything I could and more for her."

You hated that he was hurt but your hate for how desperate he was for her is far more. You saw vile, ugly emotions of green and you hated the fact that the girl used him like that, while you'd give up everything to be longed by Wonwoo like that.

"You tried too hard Wonwoo. Sometimes letting go hurts less than holding on." The bitter words leave your mouth.

"What?" His brows furrow, irritated. You inhale deeply, "Wonwoo, you need to let her go. She's a bitch who doesn't deserve you. Stop pinning for her when you clearly deserve someone better."

"Don't talk about her like that," he steps on his cigarette and meets your eyes, a clear warning in his tone.

A humorless laugh escapes you as you rub your temples, "Okay seriously?" You stand up, your patience running thin, "Stop acting like a fucking child Wonwoo. Grow up. It's not the end of the world of Audrey doesn't return your feelings.

"Is that your jealousy speaking?" Wonwoo stands up, towering over you, a challenge in his eyes.

You look at him flabbergasted. How did he...

"Yea, just because you think you're doing a good job hiding your feelings for me doesn't mean you really are. The whole campus knows you've got a thing for me so don't act like you weren't jealous of her."

Tears form in your eyes as you gape at him in disbelief. All your self control vanishes as you speak the next words, "Yes, I'm jealous of her! What I have for you is not just a thing, it's my sincere feelings unlike that bitch who has been toying with you since the past year!" You rub your eyes, not letting the tears escape, taking a step towards him. You speak meeting his eyes, "It's not my jealousy speaking because if I wanted, I could've broke the two of you up a long time ago. I'm saying this because I'm tired Wonwoo! I'm tired of being your punching bag! I'm tired of seeing you get hurt repeatedly for someone who doesn't give two shits about you! You always end up getting hurt and I'm the one who collects all your broken pieces. I'm the one who made you stop smoking. I'm the one who holds you together when you fall apart. I've always been there for you Wonwoo but...now I'm wondering... why? To be treated like this?" You voice grows small as you choke back on your tears. Wonwoo looks at you, his jaw clenched and hands fisted.

"I'm done Wonwoo. You're a precious friend to me and I hid my feelings cuz I didn't want to loose you for that. But I'm done being used. I'll see you if you truly want to be friends with me." You whisper and turn around, desperate to escape from his presence.

-

Weeks have passed by since your last encounter with Wonwoo. As your finals are near you try your best not to think about him; instead you busy yourself with studies. It's the weekend and after a full day of studying you sit in front of the TV, grumpy about the fact that there isn't anything delicious to eat. You contemplate on ordering online when there's a knock on your door.

Wonwoo, the last person you expected, stands there with his hands full of bags. He speaks, "Thought we should have dinner together." You stare at him, astonished at his casual behavior, like nothing happened between you two.

He steps in and places the bags on your kitchen counter, emptying them. You eye the contents - fried chicken and fries with beer, stuffed donuts.

"Go wash your hands. I'll serve them."

"What are you doing Wonwoo? I'm pretty sure you are at the wrong address." You speak watching him plate up. He pauses before his eyes meet yours and he sighs softly, taking a seat on your kitchen stool.

"I've thought a lot about us in these few weeks. And I realized a lot of things. For one, I took you for granted when you are literally the best thing that happened to me, y/n. I... I used you and for that I'm really sorry. I sorry for being a jerk that day when everything you said were true. I'm sorry about so many things."

You stare at the floor not meeting his eyes, arms crossed over your chest as you try to keep your emotions at bay.

"I can't imagine a life without you." He whispers, "I'm not complete without you. You're the one who has held me together until now. You're the one who has been with me through thick and thin. You - you make me want to be a better person. If... if it wasn't for you, I'd be so lost. I'm so glad you came into my life y/n. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Your heart breaks and a stray tear rolls over your cheek. Wonwoo seems to notice as he stands up and cups your cheek, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. I'll leave if you want me to. I just wanted to see your face and tell you I'm sorry. It has been so long."

You meet his eyes as you place your hands over his, "So what is your point Wonwoo?"

He sighs, "My point is, I don't want to be friends with you. Well, I technically want that but not just friends. I want to be your boyfriend, you best friend, I want to be your everything."

"Are you sure about this? Are you really over Au-"

"Fuck Audrey, fuck everyone. It is you. It was you since the very first moment. I'm sorry it took me so long to understand."

You heart swells with love and you can't hold back anymore as your lips clash with his. You thread your arms around his neck, pulling him closer as his hands find purchase on your waist. Soon enough he's picking you up and putting you on the kitchen counter as his hands tug on your shirt. "Wonwoo, what are you doing?" You gasp, breathless.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he murmurs, planting kisses along your neck as his hands travel all over your body,accompanied by your soft sighs and moans.

"The food will get cold."

"Yeah? Well the food can wait but I can't." He attaches his lips to yours again, picking you up and heading for your bedroom. "Someone's really horny." You smile against his lips.

"Well you are not any better." He retorts putting you on the bed and softly kissing your cheek before taking off his shirt.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you."

"Mmhmm."

He smiles,"I gave up smoking, for good. I really, only need you."

A/N: Happy Birthday to our precious bag of luck and my bias wrecker,Jeon Wonwoo. This one is dedicated to him. And thanks to y'all for loving my previous work, it really made me very happy :"). As always, feedbacks are appreciated! 💖

[onyxiana-is-obsessed]

Protect | Katsuki Bakugou x Reader x Tamaki Amajiki

AN: I really like this ship... and I’m not sorry. Pronouns used: She/her Length: 3k words

Summary: Someone insults Suki and Tama in front of you and you try to ignore it. But when they hit you first, you two end up in a bad fight that Tamaki and Katsuki stumble upon.

Full Name: (y/f/n) Quirk: (y/q) & barrier - the user has the ability to create a barrier around themselves or allies Age: 16 Hero Name: (h/n)

"Hey, Tama." Katsuki greeted as he sat down next to Tamaki, who smiled shyly at him.

"Hey, Kacchan." Katsuki kissed his cheek which made him blush, making Katsuki smirk at his reaction.

"Where's (n/n)?" Tamaki shrugged, leaning onto his shoulder.

"I haven't seen her, yet." The two waited for about ten minutes, making small talk until Tamaki brought up (f/n).

"She's still not here..."

"Wanna go look for her?"

"Sure." With that, the two stood up and walked towards (f/n)'s classroom. On the way there, they heard a loud cry, followed by a scream, then another scream, and then finally someone yelling loudly. Almost immediately both Katsuki and Tamaki froze, their wide eyes darting to each other. They broke out into a full-blown sprint, finally seeing the horror unfold in front of them.

Their sweet, loving girlfriend had some guy in a choke hold. He was struggling to get away while she held him down tightly, with her legs wrapped around his waist. They couldn't see an ounce of that kindness she flaunted on a daily basis. They couldn't see an ounce of that shy, frail girl they often saw. All they saw was (h/n) punishing a villain...

"APOLOGIZE!" (f/n) demanded as the student repeatedly hit her arm with one hand, while holding onto her other arm with his other hand. His friends stood frozen on the side, much like Tamaki and Katsuki.

"G-Get o-off!" The guy she had in a choke

"I SAID APOLOGIZE! APOLOGIZE OR YOU'RE GONNA PASS OUT! BEST BELIEVE I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS AGAIN WHEN YOU WAKE UP!" She screamed, which finally pulled his friends out of their frozen state. They tried to grab her and pull her off. However, (f/n) had a good grip and no matter how hard they pulled, they couldn't get her off of him. Since they'd picked (f/n) up, she let her legs unwrapped from his waist and hit the floor.

(f/n) immediately grabbed the arm around her waist and pulled on it, making the student trip on her leg and threw him into the wall. The other two ran off while the offender started to sprint in the opposite direction of Katsuki and Tamaki. (f/n)'s head shot to him before she ran and violently tackled him to the ground. Both Katsuki and Tamaki winced at the sickening thud before finally jumping into action.

"Hey!" They both ran to her and Tamaki wrapped his arms around (f/n)'s waist while Katsuki tried to pry her arms off of the student.

"Ge-get off!" The student yelled again.

"Apologize then! Your dumbass really thinks I'm backing off?! Not even All Might can help you! APOLOGIZE!"

"Baby! Let go!" Katsuki said. "Get off of him!"

"Stay out of this, Katsuki!" She retaliated.

"You're gonna get in trouble, Bunny!" Tamaki yelled, pulling as hard as he could. Even with all his training and muscles, he still couldn't pry his (tiny/smaller than him) girlfriend off of this student.

"STAY OUT OF THIS, TAMAKI!" She screamed in frustration. The student's face was turning red, his vision starting to get darker. His grip on her arm was getting weaker and he was starting to go limp.

"(F/N)! LET GO!" Katsuki and Tamaki yelled in unison.

"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" She screamed back before a scarf wrapped around both of them.

"(l/n)! Let go of him!" Behind Aizawa was Midnight, Vlad King, and All Might.

"NO! NOT UNTIL HE APOLOGIZES!"

"Bunny! Please let go! It doesn't matter what he did or said! You're gonna be in more trouble than you're already in!" Tamaki pleaded.

"Young (l/n)!" All Might warned, in his large muscle form. "Let go of him."

"H-help!" The student pleaded.

"Oh, stop acting like the victim now!" (f/n) yelled back. A large barrier appeared, pushing Aizawa's scarf off of the two as (f/n) tightened her grip on him.

"Move." All Might said, making both Tamaki and Katsuki frown as they ran to the teachers, moving behind the Symbol of Peace.

"Young (l/n), this is your last warning."

"Separate me now, but I'll be back on his next time I see him." She answered, glaring at the teachers. All Might sighed dashing to her and shattering her shield with one, powerful punch. Finally, (f/n) let go, Aizawa's scarf wrapping around her as she hit the ground with a thud.

The student also fell to the ground, breathing heavily as he coughed repeatedly. All Might gently helped him towards Vlad King and Midnight. (f/n) glared at his form, her head finally the ground while she stared at the ceiling. Aizawa roughly pulled the scarf, which made her sit up as he glared at her.

"If it was up to me, I'd expel you immediately." (f/n) returned his glare, silently. Katsuki and Tamaki frowned, looking away, unable to recognize their girlfriend. Tamaki gripped Katsuki's hand as he felt the anxiety creeping in.

***

"So, please explain what happened," Nezu said to (f/n) who had finally calmed down after about thirty minutes. Midnight had even brought her a bottle of cold water, after Recovery Girl had healed her bloody nose and bruised lip.

~Flashback~

(f/n) finally finished packing her stuff and walked to her locker and started to put her books away.

"Did you hear about what Suneater did yesterday?" One of the students said. She smiled a little as she put her books in order.

"Oh, that elf-eared kid from the Big 3?"

"Yeah."

"Dude, he has no potential." (f/n)'s smile faded into a frown, as she shoved her bag into the locker. She then stood there, pretending to put stuff away while she was listening in on the conversation. "He's pretty strong, yeah. But he's so fucking weird and with that anxiety of his? He's never gonna make it. He's an idiot for even trying. What a waste of time." The other three laughed and (f/n)'s frown deepened.

"What about his boyfriend? That explosive guy."

"Oh don't even get me started on that one," The student said, rolling his eyes. "Does that jerk look like he has any hero potential? He's rude, disrespectful, underestimates everyone, and he's so fucking violent. He literally calls everyone an extra. Who'd want to be his partner? Who'd want him as a sidekick or a hero? He's better off as a villain. Hey! That's a better idea. He can be a villain while that Amajiki kid follows him around like the pathetic minion that he is."

"You know they're both in that weird 3 person relationship." One of them said.

"Oh yeah, (l/n). She's cool." Another added.

"Yeah, I guess. If anyone's got hero potential out of the three, it's definitely her." (f/n) glared at the hook in her locker, trying her best to stay calm. People were mean and judgmental. It didn't matter. (f/n) sighed and shut her locker, trying to walk away when one spoke up.

"That's her! Dude, she probably heard everything."

"Aye! (l/n)!" The offender called, making her turn to him.

"What?"

"You're dating those freaks right?" She rolled her eyes and approached them.

"Don't call them that."

"Oh, are you mad?" He taunted.

"Listen," She started. "I don't know who you are and I know you don't know my boyfriends either. Yes, Bakugou's extremely temperamental, but he's got amazing hero potential. He's determined, passionate, and unbreakable. He'd never be a villain, never. Amajiki may be shy and his anxiety does get to him sometimes, but he always pushes through it. He's worked so hard over the years to master his quirk, he's pushed himself beyond his limits to get where he is. You neither recognize their potential nor their hard work and determination. Don't make assumptions about things you don't understand, you'll make an ass out of yourself that way." He scoffed, clearly offended by her words.

"You sure? Sure, both of your freaks have lots of power, but they're never gonna get anywhere with that shitty determination of theirs. No one's gonna want Bakugou and Amajiki's basically running on luck. Shit, maybe you're not that special either."

"You're from the support course, right? Don't act like you know what we go through and don't try to analyze us. You've never seen them out in the field." He glared down at her.

"I bet I could take you on." This time it was (f/n) who scoffed.

"You can't take me on."

"You're underestimating someone from the support course? Damn, cocky much?"

"You're underestimating someone from the hero course. Someone trained for combat."

"Fine then," He said, approaching her. "I challenge you."

"Bad idea. You're gonna lose. Back off now."

"No way. I challenge you. What, too scared?"

"Listen," (f/n) warned. "You do not want to fight me. Just leave me alone." (f/n) turned to try and walk away.

"You're as pathetic as your boyfriends!"

"That's your opinion." She threw back, not bothering to stop.

"Walking away like a little bitch, huh?!"

"You must be a first-year," (f/n) said, looking back at him. "Don't try to pick fights you can't win."

"Says you!" This went on for a few minutes until (f/n) finally gave in.

"Last warning. If I fight you, I won't stop until you apologize."

"Fuck you. Now fight me, bitch."

"God, you really are an idiot." As (f/n) tried to walk away, he grabbed her (h/l) hair and pulled, which made her turn. His fist collided with her face and he saw fury ignite in her eyes. "Fine. Have it your way."

~End of Flashback~

"That was extremely irresponsible of you," Aizawa started. "You let them get to you. What you should've done was find a teacher."

"I'm keeping my promise," (f/n) muttered.

"Meaning..." All Might said, causing her to sigh.

"I told him I wouldn't back off until he apologized. He challenged me and he's gonna hold his end of the bargain. What kind of hero would he be if he didn't."

"You're not going to fight him on school grounds." Aizawa declared, making her look away.

"Alright, let's discuss the repercussions of this incident," Nezu started. "Because you weren't the one to start the fight, I won't expel you, however, you did disobey orders to let go of him and even now are threatening to fight him. You will serve three weeks detention as well as a two-week suspension. You will be cleaning the dorms as well to help out. On top of that, you will not approach Mr. Yoshino under any circumstances. If you do, you will be expelled. As a pro hero in training, you shouldn't have fought to begin with. Alternatively, you should've only defended yourself and released him when help arrived. You did neither, therefore, one more incident of the sort and I will not be able to help you. Consider yourself in rocky waters, Ms. (l/n)."

***

(f/n) was too late for lunch, so she went to her classes without food. The entire day, she didn't say a word or see Yoshino in the halls. She also didn't see Katsuki or Tamaki and she didn't make any effort to go find them.

Everyone in her class already knew what had happened and most of them didn't say anything, except whisper to each other. Some did confirm they would've done the same, but most of them stayed quiet.

After class, (f/n) grabbed her things, getting ready to go back to the dorms. As she walked down the halls, she looked out the windows into the courtyard. A frown appeared on her face when she saw two familiar figures walking towards the dorms.

On the one hand, she was thankful. The last thing she wanted was to see them, she was still extremely furious and frustrated over what had happened. However, on the other hand, she was hurt. They didn't even bother asking her about the incident, instead, they chose to judge her?

Her hands clenched the fabric of her skirt as the frustration finally got to her. Hot, salty tears pooled in her (e/c) eyes, sliding down her cheeks. Today was just an all-around awful day. After a couple of moments, she took a few deep breaths, wiped her face, and began her short walk back to the 2nd year dorms.

That night, she'd finally calmed down enough to try and reach out to both of her boyfriends. She sent a weak greeting in their group chat, only to be ignored. After half an hour, she asked if they could talk, which was seen and ignored. Finally, a couple of hours later, she sent a "good night" which was also seen and ignored. That hurt enough to the point where she turned her phone off and forced herself to go to sleep.

***

It had been five days since the whole incident and (f/n) was sitting in her room working on her homework. She'd missed less than a week but was already seriously behind. Every day after cleaning the dorms, she'd spend the rest of the day studying the subjects. Because she didn't have a teacher to explain it to her, she needed to work harder.

The entire time, she didn't speak to anyone and still had her phone switched off. Neither Katsuki nor Tamaki reached out to her and she no longer cared. Thankfully, her school work kept her busy enough to the point where she didn't have to worry about them.

(f/n)'s door abruptly opened, making her head snap in the direction. Her tired gaze turned into a glare when she realized who'd entered her room.

"Just because it's unlocked doesn't mean you can walk in here. Get out." She said in an icy tone as her gaze returned to the stack of papers in front of her. Tamaki flinched but Katsuki only rolled his eyes.

"Where have you been?" The blond inquired, making (f/n) look up at him.

"I got suspended."

"F-for h-how long?" Tamaki asked quietly, making her look at her paper as she continued to write.

"Two weeks. Then I have to serve three weeks of detention." Unsure of what else to say, the two fell quiet while (f/n) kept writing. "If that's all, get out."

"What happened?" Katsuki asked, making her scoff.

"Oh. Now you want to talk?"

"Just fucking tell us." (f/n) raised her head, glaring at them both before she finally spilled. She told them exactly what happened, exactly what he said, how she defended them, how he challenged her and she warned him, then how he attacked her and she fought back. The entire time, both of them were silent, listening to her story intently.

"There. That's what happened, door's behind you."

"You're still kicking us out?" Katsuki asked.

"Why shouldn't I?" She shot back, "you two ignored me for five days for no reason. I tried to talk to you, I tried to reach out to you but you didn't respond. Now that you're finally here, asking my side of the story, you want me to just forgive you? I'm sorry, but no. Do you know how that felt? I defended you both. I fought him for YOU. You know my quirk, do you really think I needed to fight him? I could've just held him down or shoved him off and walked away. But no. I tried to fight him for both of you and your response to that was ignoring me."

"We're sorry," Tamaki said, only to have (f/n) shake her head.

"Yeah, me too." She kept writing making them look at each other awkwardly.

"Can we stay?" Katsuki tried again.

"No. Just because you said sorry doesn't mean I forgive you." She answered. Katsuki rolled his eyes, walking towards her and yanking the pencil out of her hand.

"Would you stop for a second?"

"What?" He walked in front of her and got on his knees, gazing into her eyes.

"Tell us to get out again."

"Get out." He smirked a bit.

"You don't mean it." (f/n) sighed and looked away. Of course, she didn't mean it, she was just so frustrated and angry she just wanted alone time. However, the longer they just stood in her room, the more she wanted them to stay. Before this, she'd get so angry she'd feel herself starting to dislike them. But all of that frustration was starting to melt away.

"You're both jerks, you know that?" Katsuki grabbed her hand and pulled her off the floor, walking her to the bed and falling down on it, along with her. Tamaki locked her door and joined them, laying on the other side and sandwiching (f/n) in between them.

"Yeah, we know. We're sorry, though." Katsuki responded as Tamaki nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck.

"You better be."

"We love you." Tamaki said, kissing along her jaw.

"I love you too." She answered.

*BONUS*

"You looked hot while you were choking that dumbass," Katsuki said, abruptly breaking the long silence they had. Both Tamaki and (f/n) burst into laughter, shaking their heads.

"Thanks, babe." (f/n) said, kissing his cheek.

[sachigram]

Hearts Like Ours Chapter 12

((click here to read on ao3!!!))

The thing about Izaya is, he's nothing if not adaptable. Shizuo would probably make some crass comment about parasites adapting to harsh conditions to stay alive no matter what, and Izaya really wouldn't be able to refute it. Shizuo can have his finer intellectual moments, and Izaya really would do whatever it takes to stay alive because he's too afraid of an alternative.

He sighs wearily from under the hood covering his face. He's definitely been in this situation before, and having been kidnapped again certainly gives him a headache, but otherwise he's just annoyed. It's really not the most opportune time in his life for this, but Izaya left his apartment to clear his head, and he's always done his best thinking on his toes, after all.

“One of the most unpopular men in the city, and you walk around alone after dark,” an annoyingly familiar voice says. “Unwise, Izaya-san. You've grown sloppy in your hubris.”

“Living in fear is hardly living at all, right? Not that you're particularly scary, Watanabe-san. I was speaking metaphorically,” Izaya responds breezily. The noise of someone approaching him has him bracing himself for impact, and he isn't surprised when he's punched across the face.

“We should have gagged you, too.”

Izaya could point out they could have done a lot of things differently. They could have knocked him unconscious so he didn't know exactly how far he had been taken, could have been more subtle in their approach, could have announced their plans less...theatrically. Izaya isn't used to dealing with amateurs so seriously; it's not something he lowers himself to, but Junichi forced Izaya into this, and Izaya isn't one to play his cards until he's got a winning hand. He smiles.

“Why would you gag me when you want so desperately to hear what I've got to say?” Izaya asks. “You might as well take off the bag over my head, too. I hardly care where we are.”

“Might as well let you look at my face before I kill you,” Junichi agrees. He inhales, probably smoking a cigarette, from the sounds of it, and it reminds Izaya of Shizuo, even more so when he smells the scent wafting over him. Izaya blinks when the bag is removed, his eyes sensitive. He gets a good look at Junichi for the first time in a long while.

Junichi is on the shorter side, not that Izaya considers himself tall. What Junichi lacks in height, he makes up for in muscle, and on his arms and likely his torso are typical winding tattoos usually found on Yakuza members. Junichi might have been considered attractive at one point in time, but age hasn't been kind to him, and his hairline is receding almost comically. The lines on his face are even worse than the last time Izaya saw him, but then again Junichi has been through a great ordeal thanks to Izaya himself.

“You're looking well, Izaya-san,” Junichi says with a grin. He puts his thumb under Izaya's chin, swiping at the blood dribbling from Izaya's busted lip.

“Yeah? You look like shit,” Izaya says, still smiling, and Junichi laughs.

“So will you very soon. A pretty face won't do you much good here. None of my boys swing that way. Unlike you, right? You've been fucking around with that bartender.”

“He lost that job a long time ago, actually. I got him fired from it because it was funny. The two of us aren't exactly friends.”

“Trying to protect him, huh? Good plan, but it won't work. He's hardly left your side these last few months. You're really going to tell me he's been staying at your place and hasn't had his way with you yet?” Junichi crosses his arms and looks down, one of his bushy eyebrows raised in disbelief. “You've got a reputation for being a slut.”

“Oh, have I?” Izaya asks. In all honesty, sex has always bored him. It wasn't required to get what he wanted in his line of work, but he never said anything against the rumors that circulated around him. He's spent a lot of time behind closed doors with many higher ups, and if people thought he was being fucked, why did it matter? If anything it cemented him as someone powerful, someone who was important to the Awakusu-Kai and various other factions, even lowly color gangs rising by the day. Izaya never cared what they said about him so long as they knew he wasn't easily expendable.

“Yeah. You do. Gotta say, I do see the appeal in stuffing your mouth, but unfortunately I don't want your last moments to be enjoyable.” Junichi takes another drag on his cigarette and smiles before he reaches down and rubs the cigarette out against Izaya's hand. Izaya doesn't give him the satisfaction of flinching.

“A missed opportunity for you, I'm sure. I'm good with my tongue,” Izaya says, focusing on his anger and refusing to yield to the pain. This is nothing. He's been through worse and he'll go through worse still. He thinks briefly of the monster-like version of Shizuo with dead eyes that's been haunting his dreams, and he laughs because that version of Shizuo is so ridiculously inaccurate that Izaya can't believe he was ever frightened.

The human mind is funny like that.

His laughter earns him another punch, but all in all, it was worth it.

“So,” Izaya says, licking at the blood on his lip. His right eye will likely be swollen shut later, but he'll deal with that once it happens. “You decided to snatch me up and bring me to your...hovel. What's next? Are you going to reveal your tragic backstory and try to make me feel contrite for my actions? Because honestly, you've been pathetic until now, and I'd like to add more dimension to you for my own sake. Nothing in life is worse than being bored.”

“You really don't know how to shut up, do you?” Junichi leans down, putting his hands on the chair Izaya is tied to. He looks into Izaya's eyes, and the crazed glint is obvious, but Izaya is anything but afraid of him. “You think this is boring? I've got five guys outside this door who could tear you limb from limb without lifting a finger. I've got copies of your precious files from your personal desktop. I've got your sisters' school schedules and your little boyfriend is being paid a visit from some of my boys as we speak.”

“I'd be more concerned about these boys of yours, if I were you. Not just because of who you sent them after, but because referring to them as your boys is very creepy.”

Junichi glares at him, scrutinizing Izaya's face as if he's trying to decipher whether Izaya is truly afraid or not.

“Are you really this angry at me for getting you arrested? I've done it to Shizu-chan and he just tried to kill me outright, none of these silly games. Or is this about your nephew's death? You realize I wasn't even here when it happened. How could I have been involved?” Izaya asks. If Junichi truly wants to kill him, stalling for more time will be in vain, but Izaya doesn't think that's the case. Extremists always have a manifesto of some sort, and Izaya is literally a captive audience.

“You're always involved,” Junichi hisses. He pushes away from the chair and turns his back to Izaya, lighting another cigarette.  

“People assume I'm always involved, you mean. So you didn't get to blow up a building, so what? As if I'd go along with something like that. I don't like plans with no point to them, and if you truly knew me at all, you'd know the only side I'm on is my own, therefore betraying anyone is impossible.”

“You were involved!” Junichi snaps, whirling back around to face him. “I know you were! He died after I got out of going to prison, and you thought I hadn't suffered enough. You're involved with every gang in this city, and you think I believe you didn't send them after Ryu?”

“This paternal love of yours is truly sickening. As if you cared about that boy before he died. He only got involved with your schemes to impress you, and you never noticed him until he died for it. But it's easier to blame me, right? You can't own up to your own failures, and now—“ Izaya is struck once more, this time hard enough that he sees stars. Not good. He needs to stay conscious.

“Shut the fuck up, Izaya-san. Whatever you say now doesn't matter, don't you get it yet? I'm gonna make you suffer the way I have. You're going to lose everyone you care about and I'm gonna make you watch it happen.”

So this was the plan all along, then. Well. Izaya has to say, starting with Shinra was the obvious choice, because Shinra is a weak moron. But Junichi didn't include Celty, who defies all logic, into his plan, and of course Celty was the first person Shinra called after being stabbed. An incredibly powerful fairy bodyguard would scare anyone away from finishing the job.

As for his sisters, Izaya knows they've got their own means of protection. He keeps tabs on them at all times, and he has them trailed often, sometimes just for his own enjoyment because he knows they hate it. They also can hold their own in any fight. Izaya receives phone calls often from the academy because Mairu has been caught fighting and “terrorizing” other students. It makes him incredibly proud, though he's lectured her repeatedly on not being caught.

“If they're telling on you, you're not threatening them enough.” That's what he told her. She just rolled her eyes and told him he was a shitty brother.

And Shizuo... The idea that he could be done in by anyone in relation to this is laughable. Izaya is almost positive someone could drop a bomb directly on Shizuo, and he would survive just for the hell of it, not even knowing he almost died.

“Your plans could use a little polishing,” Izaya says after he spits out a mouthful of blood. “Then again, you haven't paid me to make them for you.”

Junichi merely grins at him, shaking his head.

“Bruised and bloody is a good look for you, Izaya-san.”

“Ah. I'll consider wearing it more often.”

Izaya watches Junichi pace around the room, likely waiting on a phone confirmation that Shizuo has been dealt with. Are they trying to kidnap him? Shoot him outright? Shizuo has been shot before and it barely fazed him, but if there are a lot of men, all with guns...? Izaya's stomach drops a bit. He doesn't want anything to happen to Shizuo because of this game he's been playing with Junichi. It's time to do something.

“So, you want me to suffer. The plan was to get rid of Shinra, set fire to my things, and then kill my sisters? But Shizu-chan was a wildcard here. You didn't expect him to be around, just like you didn't expect Celty to be there with Shinra. You're sloppy. Anyone who has ever spoken to Shinra knows about Celty, and as for Shizu-chan, I don't blame you there.” Izaya shrugs as best as he can. “He's always a wildcard. He messes up plans all the time.

“But even so, you haven't counted on so many things, like who exactly you're messing with here. Don't you know how dangerous it is to underestimate your opponents? Especially one so out of your league. I worried I was doing so to you, but then I remembered how stupid you are, and being here with you now has only solidified my suspicions. You're pathetically basic, Watanabe-san. Laughably so.”

“Oh yeah?” Junichi laughs, his grin wide and leering. His crazed eyes settle on Izaya. “And what have you got in store for me, Izaya-san? From your place tied up in that chair, it seems like you've been beaten already.”

“For starters, Shinra does business with the most dangerous men in this city, and he's made himself an asset for them. Shiki-san, in particular, found it in poor taste. I went directly to him upon my return and we negotiated some terms in dealing with you.”

“Bullshit. One of my guys was in that club when you sat with Shiki-san. He dismissed you. Heh, he called you a brat. I agreed with that.”

“As if that was our first meeting. We knew you had eyes on us, and I wanted you to believe Shiki-san didn't give a damn what happened to me. And truthfully, maybe he doesn't. But he likes my information, and he likes having Shinra around to tend to the injured, so it was bullheaded of you to overlook.”

“Where is he, then? If he's so invested in this, why the fuck isn't he here to save you and stop me?”

“Something else,” Izaya continues, “your little fire in my apartment. I had my secretary back up all my files onto her personal computer once I realized you were tragically obsessed with me. I kept the old, unimportant ones for you to peruse, and I allowed the fire to be set. I was on the couch, after all. Really, did you think I would be asleep with my door unlocked? Shizu-chan always forgets to lock it, because he's not used to being stalked. It's how I always got into his place before!”

It's clear Junichi doesn't buy it.

“So you were awake and you laid there while your things burned? You expect me to believe that?”

“I don't care if you do or not. It served its purpose, which was you thinking you had the upper hand, and as an added bonus, it made Shizu-chan more protective. With him hanging around, you'd hardly have the gall to attack me physically.” Izaya grins widely, remembering how it felt to be picked up and held tenderly by Shizuo that first time. He felt invincible.

“You're out of your mind, Izaya-san. I knew that already of course, but I don't know which is worse, you actually allowing all these things to happen to yourself, or you being desperate enough to lie about it to have me believe you're some untouchable god. I think you're a liar, and I think you're crazy enough to believe your own bullshit half the time.” Junichi moves closer, his hand reaching into his pocket. “Should have done this from the beginning. I'm gonna gag you so I don't have to listen to you anymore. Whatever it is you think, Izaya-san, you're still here, helpless. You've lost.”

Izaya can't help it. He laughs. Of all the ridiculous concepts, all the things he's gotten himself into, this takes the cake. He was just so bored before, and Junichi really is fun to mess with. But like all his toys, Izaya is tired of him now.

Oh well. Not everyone can occupy him like Shizuo. It's too much to ask of anyone.

“About that,” Izaya says, his arm stretched out in front of himself in an instant, the gleam of a knife at Junichi's throat, “next time you kidnap someone, maybe disarm them properly. And don't use rope, you has-been. Don't you know they're a relic?”

Junichi's face goes through a myriad of expressions, settling on fury. Izaya keeps the knife at Junichi's throat, reaching down with his other hand and cutting the ropes that bind him to the chair and the rope around his ankles.

“I've been kidnapped before, you know? Is this your first time holding someone captive?” Izaya laughs as he stands up, his back popping from his prior position. “How cute. Unfortunately, I'm the more experienced party here, so let me take the lead, ne?”

“So you were just fucking with me?” Junichi asks. He seems lost for a moment before his narrow. “You won't kill me. You don't have the balls.”

Izaya doesn't dignify that with an answer. He throws his knife directly down into Junichi's foot, another in his hand as soon as the first one left it. Junichi doubles over in pain, blood pouring from his injury, and when he looks up again, his eyes are full of malice.

“I told you already that you were beneath me,” Izaya says, leaning down to better look Junichi in the face. “You wanted to lecture me about hubris and not getting involved in things I don't understand, but here you are, at my feet where you belong.”

“I'm going to kill you,” Junichi hisses at him, spitting at Izaya's feet. “You hear me? If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to make that pretty face of yours twist in agony. You'll beg me for forgiveness as I take everything away from you, and my face will be the last thing you see.”

“A fate worse than death, truly, having to look at you in my final moments.” Izaya shrugs. “You really are cruel. I'll keep your threat in mind.”

“FUCK you!”

Izaya winces, narrowing his eyes. “Ah. I hate being yelled at.”

From his peripheral, he sees the door in the corner opening, some of Junichi's thugs gazing inside from all the racket. One of them lifts a gun, pointing it at Izaya while the rest of them trip over themselves trying to get inside and help their boss. Izaya runs for it, finding a pillar to duck behind. Where is he? An abandoned building? He looks around, thinking of how far he was driven, what around this area could be used as a hideout. He didn't see which direction they drove off in, but from the distance he supposes he's either in the old hospital scheduled to be demolished in a few weeks, or the local school that was recently shut down because a newer, better version was built instead a few blocks over. From the look of things, it's likely the hospital, as it seems unkempt and like it hasn't been cleaned in ages, and his suspicions are confirmed when he looks up at the pillar he's hiding behind, a sign above his head saying which direction the cardiovascular ward is in and which direction leads to the lobby.

“What to do...” Izaya muses to himself. He can keep running, try to make it out, but there are likely more men stationed at every exit. Jumping from the window could work, but he'd really rather refrain from keeping this charade going any longer. Still, he's outnumbered, and Izaya is quick on his feet, but not much use in an actual fight.

As he's deliberating, he hears a wrenching noise, and then some confused screaming. He blinks, gripping his knife tightly before he's peering out from behind the pillar. It's suddenly eerily silent, and it puts him on edge.

The sight he's greeted with is as comical as it is bizarre. Celty stands with her scythe drawn, some shadows binding the arms and legs of the men who were chasing him. At her feet is Junichi, who is being stared down by Shizuo, who is holding a door above him, threatening to crash down over Junichi's head. Behind them is...Shinra?

“Where the fuck is Izaya?! Tell me before I bash your fucking brains in!” Shizuo roars.

“He's over there! Over there!” Junichi is practically sobbing, pointing in Izaya's direction. “I barely touched him!”

“You expect me to believe you? HAH?! You send some goons after me to shoot at me, and you think I'll believe a goddamn word you say?!”

“Shizu-chan!” Izaya calls, stepping out so Shizuo can see him. He gets a good look at Shizuo, who appears to be bleeding profusely from his abdomen.

“Izaya!” Shizuo tosses the door down and leaves Celty to deal with Junichi as he sprints to where Izaya is. His relieved expression shifts to anger as he looks Izaya over. “He did this to you?”

“Did...? Oh.” Izaya remembers his own injuries. “I'm fine. Did you get shot?”

“Yeah. Real pain in the ass. Some guys showed up outside your building and shot at me. I beat their faces in and got this location from one of them before he passed out. I figured you were in danger.” Shizuo reaches out, fingers the bruises on Izaya's face, his eyes hard. “You're okay?”

“I'm not the one bleeding everywhere.” Izaya looks over to Shinra and Celty. “You really brought the whole cavalry. All for me? I'm touched.”

“I'm pissed the fuck off,” Shizuo growls. “Why do you have to get into shit like this all the time?”

“Isn't it fun to never be bored, Shizu-chan?” Izaya asks playfully, and he matches Shizuo's intensity when their lips clash together, Shizuo lifting him easily and devouring his mouth in a hungry, almost sinful way.

“You crazy bastard. Fuck you, making me worry. I'd kick your ass if I thought it'd do any good,” Shizuo huffs between kisses.

“You still could. Who knows, maybe I'd be into it?” Izaya smirks against Shizuo's mouth when Shizuo growls at him in warning.

“Oh, look! I knew it, Celty! They're a real pair of lovebirds now!” Shinra announces in a chipper voice. Izaya and Shizuo separate to glare at him. Celty is politely looking away, her posture seemingly bashful.

“Why are you here, Shinra? What good are you in a situation like this?” Izaya asks. He reaches his hand out to curl into Shizuo's hair, tugging lightly, and Shizuo hums at the contact.

“Every team needs a doctor!” Shinra says, flailing his arms a bit. “Besides, Shizuo-kun asked Celty and I both for help in dealing with you!”

“It was really more of your knowledge of where Junichi-san was,” Shizuo grumbles at him, carrying Izaya over. He kicks at Junichi's tied up body, rolling him over so they can look into his wide eyes. “What do we do with him now?”

“Hand him over to Shiki-san. He can deal with the dirty work.” Izaya hops out of Shizuo's arms and leers at Junichi. “I wasn't lying when I said Shiki-san had plans for you. You've really made him angry. Our agreement was that I'd lure you out, and here you are.”

“Izaya-kun, please don't tell me you've planned all this,” Shinra says with a frown. “Of course, I'd expect nothing less from you, but I really thought you'd learned at least one lesson about meddling in affairs.”

“I didn't plan any of it,” Izaya says breezily. “I'm just an informant, Shinra. I don't know why you paint me as some sort of mastermind. Look at my face! It's bruised and bloody. What mastermind lets themselves get beaten up?”

Shizuo is glaring at him openly, his expression saying exactly what he thinks of that explanation.

“Would you believe that I only planned a little of it?” Izaya amends.

“Don't do stuff like this by yourself anymore,” Shizuo says. “You could've died.”

“Ah, Shizu-chan, are you my partner in crime now?” Izaya taunts.

“Something like that. If I have to be.”

“Ahaha, Izaya-kun! Your face is priceless!” Shinra laughs until he doubles over from Celty's fist meeting his side.

Sorry about him.

Izaya glances at the typed message before returning Shizuo's steady gaze. Somehow, he has someone who cares this much about him and his antics, so much so that Shizuo roped Celty and Shinra into saving Izaya, who really isn't used to being saved. He could have gotten out of this alone, but having others is...easier.

“I'll tone down the theatrics, alright?” Izaya says, finally looking away from Shizuo's dark eyes.

“Damn straight. This could've been over months ago if you'd just told me where the crazy fucker was,” Shizuo says.

“There's no fun in that, Shizu-chan. You've got no eye for the finer details.”

“I'll leave those to you.”

Izaya laughs, shaking his head. He doesn't hesitate in taking Shizuo's hand when it nudges against his own.

“What a team we'll make, then.”

[linyi-is-dreaming]

One Way Out - Part 22

Story: BTS x Y/N

Category: Smut, Mystery, Abusive Relationship, Crime, Angst

Summary: After Y/N’s last break up, she tried to get her ex off her mind. Parties, one night stands, nothing helped except only one thing that helped her the most: her now boyfriend Hoseok. They became from friends to friends with benefits and after a while they both confessed their feelings for each other and started dating. But the calculation was made without her ex, Yoongi. Who does not come back on good terms. 

Chapter 22: The pre-game

“You are such a maniac.”, Yoongi says in disgust as Jungkook takes a few steps closer to them. Jungkook’s face shows what he thinks and what he thinks will not be in their favor. His eyes move along her body twice before he looks at Yoongi again.

“Me? Aww, do you have no painful names left for me?”, Jungkook asks arrogantly. Jungkook's grin is annoying them, more each second, he keeps it on his face. Tae notices that more members start to appear behind them. His eyes move over his shoulder without turning his head too much away from Jungkook. If members appear from two sides, it can only end up in a fight, Tae thinks. The only hard thing would be to keep on track with Y/N, shall they attack. How should they keep their eyes on her when there are more than six men against them? Jungkook knows Tae too well to oversee his thinking poker face. “Tae, you used to know me. I always have some tricks up my sleeve.” Tae says nothing but his hand grabs her upper arm to keep her between him and Yoongi. Yoongi watches his doing with his side eye as he grabs her by her wrist to pull her behind him. “I see. You still know what I want. Perfect. Let’s start the first round of the game!” He looks at his crew who immediately try to tare Y/N away from Tae and Yoongi. From the outside it looks like they are about to rip them apart. Tae and Yoongi immediately shoot at some members of Jungkook with success but there are still more crew members than them as every now and then, new members arrive. The downfall begins when they do not see the first real attempt. One guy jumps on the back of Tae as Tae tries to shoot at someone in front of him and that takes him by surprise. The force that Jungkook’s member uses pulls him to the ground harshly. The fast movement gives Tae hardly time to collect himself nor time to think about how to get out of the grip. The more he moves, the easier it is for Jungkook’s guy to take Tae in a proper headlock.. 

“Tae!”, Y/N screams whilst she loses her grip on him. Not able to do anything, she watches Tae struggling to break free. The gunshot of Yoongi’s gun brings her attention back to Yoongi. She holds on Yoongi for dear life but if she did not miscount, there are at least eight members who are walking up to them. They walk fiercely and directly at them. Yoongi panics on the inside when he notices that his gun is running out of bullets. With her free hand, she holds on tight on Yoongi's upper arm to not be ripped from him. Two crew members start to attack Yoongi whilst one other crew member tries to pull her away from Yoongi. The more she fights to hold on Yoongi, the stronger the grip of the member becomes on her body. His hands are on her waist with his fingers pushing on the inside of her hip bone. The pain fills her mind until her body is giving up. Her eyes move back to Tae in hope that he is doing better but what she sees frustrates her even more. A guy is hovering over him as he continues to punch Tae’s face. She shakes her head in disbelief whilst she looks up at Yoongi. She watches helplessly how they also beat up Yoongi. No mercy is given by any member of Jungkook’s crew. No matter how much she wants to attack Jungkook, she knows she has no chance at this moment to do anything to him. She can hear the struggle Tae and Yoongi are in as the man turns her body for a second away from the scene. She can hear how the punches and kicks land on someone’s body. From the angle she is standing now, she can see how Jungkook moves his chin forward. It looks like he would give someone a sign. His face shows how much he enjoys it. Y/N is right, it was a sign. The sign for the man behind her to let her watch the ongoing scene. The punches and kicks which land on Yoongi’s stomach repeatedly and that Jungkook seems to want her to watch the ongoing scene, makes her skin crawl. Her eyes wander almost automatically to Tae who also is still getting several punches on his upper body.  

“Enough. I think this will do the job for now.”, Jungkook screams. Y/N tries to kick herself free but she has no chance against the man who is still holding her. The man behind her holds her in a very tight grip. He took her by the upper arms after she slipped through his fingers for a second. “You are such a little fighter, doll.” Jungkook is walking closer and closer to Y/N. Slowly he approaches her as he would try to warn her to not fight him. “Always entertaining me the best way you can.” A smile escapes his lips as he looks into her eyes. His hand is almost touching her skin but he stops for a second, just in case Yoongi would try to intervene.

“Keep your hands off her!”, Yoongi screams as he keeps his eyes on Jungkook. Just as Jungkook calculated, it is easy to make Yoongi react quickly. “Touch her and I will break your neck!” Jungkook moves his chin forward to give his member who is looking at him a sign. The next thing Yoongi feels are two kicks on each side of his ribs. Jungkook watches how the kicks hit the air out of his lungs, amused he laughs as he keeps looking at him.

“Do not be so selfish. Dolls are meant to be played with.” Like on a command their eyes move towards the men with the ropes in their hands who are walking into the room. “Make sure they stay where they are.” Jungkook continues to move his hand closer to her face. “I think my doll prefers it rough though.” His thumb moves over her lips slowly. “So much you could do with these pretty lips but you always choose the wrong thing. Are you not tired of living a life you know is not meant for someone like you?” His eyes move to Yoongi to see if he has gone too far or if there are plenty more space he could use.

“I swear if you keep touching her-”, Yoongi says whilst they put the rope around his wrists.

“Then what? What do you want to do to me, huh?”, Jungkook says mockingly. “Are you not aware how bad it looks for you?” He takes her chin between his thumb and index finger and moves her head up before he looks at her again. “I do not like it when you look away. Shouldn’t you know it by now?” His eyes look as cold as they never looked like before. Usually they look emotionless, but this time they do not even look cold. They look dead, like there would be no life behind those eyes. The coldness that he also has in his voice makes her heart beat quicker in fear. Her shoulders start to hurt from the grip she is in. When her eyes move from Tae to Yoongi, she can see in their face that they must fear something too. Tae’s lip is bleeding lightly as well the bloody scratches on his cheek do. The man behind Tae has his knee on one of Tae’s calf to keep him on his knees. Another member puts also a rope around Tae’s wrists. “Hey!”, Jungkook screams loudly whilst he tightens the grip on her jawline. “I do not like it when my players do not play by the rule.” Her eyes show the anger and pain he had cost her in the last few days.

“That player is you.”

“What did you just say?”

“I said, the player who ignores the rules is you.”

“How dare you?” His fingers leave her face as his eyes look in her eyes. “I can give you anything you want and you are throwing your chance away!”

“You cannot give me anything. Absolutely nothing!”, she yells as she finally has enough.

“You will like me. No, you will love me back one day. One day, but that day will be too late.”

“You are pathetic.”

“I am? Are you sure?” He takes her by her left upper arm and turns her to look at Yoongi and Tae. “You are wrong. They are pathetic.”, Jungkook says in a serious voice. “You do not really think that you can rely on them, do you? They cannot defend you on any level.”

“You killed my friends, my boyfriend. What else do you want from me?”

“I hope with friend, you mean Tae’s sister. But I did not take your boyfriend Hoseok nor did I take Namjoon from you.” He tilts his head as he looks at her. Yoongi’s eyebrows narrow as he looks at Y/N. “Do you want to know how Hoseok and Namjoon died?”

“I already know. You send your crew members out to stab them. Only a maniac like you would come up with this kind of ideas.”, she answers confidently.

“Huh, you seem to be really sure, aren’t you?” Her eyes meet his with a secure face expression that she must be right. “I am sorry. You are not right about it.”

“Why are you lying? Aren’t you proud of the horrible things you organized?” Y/N struggles but she tries her best to hold her tears back. All sorts of words which are connected to the bad things Jungkook have done, come up suddenly. She feels as she wants to cry when she thinks about the pain her loved ones must have gone through, at the same time she wants scream in anger.  

“Why should I be proud about two dead police officers? As I said, it was not me.”

“Nobody else had a motive! It can only be you.”

“Nope. That is not true either. Are we playing a guessing game?” Jungkook looked amused at Yoongi as he starts to notice her interest in who had killed her boyfriend. With a grin he looks back at her

“You are lying!”

“I have my phone right here. I can show all the messages I had with my new right hand.”

“Can be easily faked.”

“Why do you think I killed Jin and not all three of you whilst you were hiding behind a car?” Y/N’s face expression changed from confidence to surprised. “Shall I tell you what kind of misinformation you have?” He looks at Yoongi and turns her body more into his direction. “You see he knew who did it, but he decided to cover it up.”

“You fucking pig!”, Yoongi screams at him. “I have nothing to do with it.”

“Come down. You were a part of it, but you chose to shut your mouth about it.”

“Y/N, do not listen to him! Jin did not mean to.”

“He did not mean it… Of course, when you use a knife, you do not mean it…” Jungkook shakes his head. “See there is this thing, Y/N. Life is pain. The painful truth is that my new right hand is as much as a betrayer as Tae is.”

“I do not believe a single word you say.” Y/N does not want to believe what believe a word he is saying. It could not be someone she trusted. Someone she has been around with.

“I think you are a little confused here. Let me help you out. My supposedly new right hand had this kind of app installed. This app lights up from time to time the phone screen and when it does, it sends me the location of where he is.” Y/N starts to think about Jin’s phone, the many times it started to light up out of nowhere. The many times he looked at the screen. “I think you found the truth by yourself.”

“What are you trying to say?”, Tae asks loudly.

“You did not understand it yet either? Such a shame. All the good things are three, right?” He pushes Y/N back to the member who held her before who grabs her immediately. Jungkook walks over to Yoongi almost casually. He kneels down in front of Yoongi with his body turned to Y/N. “I killed Jin only because one thought occurred to me repeatedly. If Tae betrays me, who would say his cousin would not do it too. Do you understand now that I am talking about Jin?” Yoongi only looks away towards Y/N. Her eyes become more and more wet the more she was reminded on Hoseok. How much pain he must have suffered from the stabbing How long must he had suffered until his last breath. “Kim Seokjin.”

“Jin would have never worked for you!”, Tae yells in disbelief.  

“He would not? Well, he wrote me that the paycheck you are receiving from me is much more than he gets from Yoongi for his work. If there is a chance, I should let him know about it.”

“No. He knew what we were doing. Jin never said a good thing about it!”

“He played you well. I told him as we made the plan with the police station, he should shoot you at the entry.” Jungkook’s finger points at Tae’s face. “It should not kill you but it should hurt you enough for me to finally end you but Jin is a coward. Therefore, he had to go.”

“You only put the murder on him because he is not alive anymore.”

“You know me better than that, Tae. I told Jin to do that if he really wants what he tells me that he would want. As the nice person I am, I got someone who hacked into the police system but there was no good news. I told him that his and Yoongi’s contract were not in their computer program yet. As clever he seemed to have been, he calculated one plus one. The deal would have never gone through for him. So, liars need to be gone. That is why he killed them. Originally, we only wanted Hoseok out of the way which would make it look like it was a jealousy act by Yoongi but Namjoon came into the room as he heard their fight. When Hoseok turned, Jin stabbed the knife right into his shoulder twice quickly. Namjoon pulled out the gun but Jin tackled him to the ground quicker than he could shoot. Then he stabbed him four times into his chest before he walked back to check on Hoseok. He stabbed him a few more times into his neck before he did the same to Namjoon.” Y/N starts to imagine what Hoseok must have endured until his last breath. The tears start to run along her face. “Aw, my lovely doll. Don’t cry. I am not done yet.” He gets up slowly to stand next her again. With his thumb he wipes the tears off her face. “The sad truth is that Yoongi knew what happened. He remained silence, the whole time. He even helped him to escape.” Her eyes are fixated on Yoongi until she cannot take it any longer. How could Yoongi know and not tell her, she wonders. All the time, he pretended that he wants to help her but now it seems like the only one who does, is Tae. The more she looks at the whole picture of what had happened, she start to believe that there is no one she could trust.

“Yoongi.”, Y/N speaks quietly with a broken voice. “How much is true about it?” Yoongi looks to the ground for a moment before he looks back at her.

“Trust me when I say that I wanted to turn him in for what he did.”

“You seriously knew? How could you lie to me?”, she screams.  

“I did not mean to lie to you. It has kind of happened along the way. I will let the police know that I know-”

“No. If you cared, you would have let them know already.”

“How was I supposed to find you on my own?” Y/N looks away from Yoongi after a second of looking at him. Her feeling is telling her that she might discover more than she wants to. The pain of betrayal makes her feel sick. She cannot even look at him for another second, not even at anybody else.

“Jungkook. I have a deal for you.”, Tae says.

“You have a deal for me? You’ve got my attention.”

“Surrender her to the police and you can shoot me right in the moment.” Jungkook starts to laugh out loud as he thinks about what Tae had suggested once again.

“I do not care about you. I do not care about him. The only thing I care about is getting you all out of her life so that she stops thinking about you.” Her heart skips a beat as she hears him pronouncing his plan. “I am only trying to figure out with who I should start with.” He looks at their face amused before he pulls her closer by her hips. The man behind her lets go of her instantly. “Doll, tell me. Who do you want first to be gone? Tae or Yoongi?” Y/N’s head moves quickly up to meet his eyes. “Both lied and both brought you pain.”

“You started this chain of pain, Jungkook. You killed my childhood friend, you let someone else put a toy in me until I needed a surgery. You made Yoongi do things that he would have never done to me if it was not because you were pressuring him this hard. Hoseok and Namjoon would still be alive if you would have not given this information to Jin.”

“Nothing of all this has something to do with me directly, my dear.” He pulls her even closer than she already was. “I was never an active part of it all. Maybe at your first point but the rest, only happened with a touch of me but I did not tell anybody that they should do what they did.”

“I hate you! If you were active in those matters or not, you are the reason why it all started.”

“I do not have that much time on my hand to discuss that. Who should it be? Tae or Yoongi?”, he asks coldly. Her eyes widen as he did not let loose with asking her the same question. “Should I make the decision for you?” His arm moves up and down her upper arms. “There is one more thing I can suggest and you will not have to choose.” The evil grin on his face shows that whatever he suggests, will not be a good thing for everyone.

“Y/N. Don’t!”, Tae screams when the thoughts of what Jungkook used to suggest in those moments crosses his mind. Yoongi turns his head immediately to Tae as he wonders what he had just meant. Tae knows what it would mean, but he tried so hard to keep her safe. If she would say yes, everything has been for nothing. Jungkook turns his head slowly to look at him.

“Ugh. Tae, let her make her own decision.”, he says with a slightly annoyed tone in his voice.  

“Jungkook. Stop this damn game!” Now, Tae has the full attention from Jungkook. He walks up to Tae with a few steps and lowers himself just enough to look into his eyes with their faces close. The trust Jungkook had in Tae, is now completely gone. As his still living former right hand, it would only be a matter of time until Jungkook wants him out of the picture. Jungkook’s eyes are scanning Tae’s eyes and facial expression. “Just fucking end it!”, Tae yells. “But let surrender her to the police, she will not say a word.” Jungkook looks down where their knees almost meet. “Jungkook.”

“Why do you think, you can still influence me?”

“I am not.” Tae is biting his lips damn hard that it almost starts to bleed. He hates himself for what he will do, but any chance is a possibility. Not taking chances is giving up. “You know, I do not beg, but let her go. Please.”

“Are you telling me you are breaking down like a little girl again?” The grin that had disappeared, starts to appear on his face again as he looks back up into Tae’s face. “Uh, that reminds me on the day your sister took her last breath. The moment you fell to your knees, almost looked like the moment when I got your ass out of prison. Everyone could see in your eyes how broken you were. I do not know if the others still see it, but I do. Right behind those eyes is still the pain, the pain that cost you to turn against the wrong person. You should have been thankful, but no. You betrayed me instead!”

“I should be thankful? Are you kidding me? You killed my sister, my cousin... And you expect me to say ‘thank you’ for all that? I have no idea who you think you are, but I told you already once before. You are losing your own game.”

“I never lose.”

“Luck may last a while, but it does not stay forever.”

“Look, you learnt something from Jimin. He used to come up with those kinds of comments.” Jungkook looks with a side eye at Yoongi who is getting ignored by Y/N. “You owe me much more than you have given back to me.” Tae’s face is showing the disgust he feels towards Jungkook. Until now he has not figured out why Jungkook changed. The change must have happened since he went away to go to the police academy. Somewhere between then and the moment he planned the death of Tae’s sister.

“I do not owe you anything anymore! I did everything you told me to do! I never said ‘no’ once. You should be thanking me for doing your dirt work.”

“Thanking you? Do not be ridiculous. You still owe me more than you think.”

“I never asked you to get me out!” Jungkook’s smile disappears once again as his face turns into a cold expression.

“Still I did.” Tae narrows his eyebrows. “See, I believe in friendship. But it seems like other people do not care about it. That makes me mad.” He pulls his gun from his pants and points at Tae. “They have no respect for anything anymore. Just like you.” Yoongi’s and Y/N’s eyes are looking at Jungkook’s gun. The sound of him unlocking the gun sounds louder as usual when no one even dared to say another word.

“What was the other thing you wanted to suggest?”, Y/N asks quickly as she fears that he would shoot Tae right away. She swallows hard as Jungkook stands up whilst he still points the gun at him. “Tell me what else you would offer me!” Jungkook lowers his gun slowly as he tilts his head slightly. His shoulders are directed openly to all three.

“You want to hear your option?”

“If it would mean you let them go, yes.”

“You do not even know what I would suggest.” For his own entertainment he raises the gun once more towards Tae’s forehead. “Let’s see if you understand what I am trying to tell you. I had Tae on my side because I got him out. I had Jin on my side because he wanted the money. Can you guess what it means?” Y/N looks to the ground as starts to gather her thoughts. When she thinks through the ideas that come to her mind, she starts to shake her head. “Do not worry. Just because you are pretty, I will give you not only three chances. Take your time.” Her eyes meet with Yoongi’s. No matter how much she feels angry towards Yoongi, something inside of her still does not want him to be dead. When she turns her head to Tae, she can hear Yoongi say her name repeatedly. Tae is the only one so far who did not harm her. He might have helped Jungkook at first but she knows that he only pretended like he would help him. She takes a few deep breaths before she looks up at Jungkook who is only waiting for her answer.

“You want to have me because I want them to stay alive.”, she says with a broken voice as she realizes what it would mean. Yoongi looks directly at Tae with his eyes widen.

“I knew you are clever.”, Jungkook tells her with a happiness in his voice. Before Jungkook is even able to walk towards her, Yoongi tries once again to break away from the guy behind him. Y/N immediately turns around to see if somebody is standing right behind her. She can see that there is a man standing on the right side of her who is not paying any attention to her. When she sees nobody who could see what she is doing with her back pocket, she pulls her t-shirt up with her fingers. Once the t-shirt is up, she inserts her left hand into the pocket. She tries to reach the beeper she had hidden within her pocket. “Let him get up.”, he commands to the man who just wanted to force Yoongi back onto the floor.

“Stay away from her!”, Yoongi screams as he gets up. “Tell him to take this rope off me and we handle it between us.”

“You want to fight me? You are as pathetic as a worm.”

“A worm still tries to break free even though it is already in the bird’s beak.”

“Fine, if that is what you want. I am not such a monster to let you beg for it.” Before Yoongi is able to say anything else, Jungkook kicks him into his stomach. Y/N finally reached the beeper that she took secretly with her from Mr. Bang’s office and pushes the button. “I thought you wanted to fight me?”

“Take off these ropes and I will beat your ass. I am done with you and your stupid tricks!”

“You are done with me? Are you still trying to tell yourself that you are better than what you actually are? You are nothing.” Jungkook’s kick lands on the Yoongi’s left upper arm.

“Take them off!” Jungkook does not move for a few seconds before he gives his crew member a sign to remove the ropes from Yoongi. “Sure, let’s be fair.”

“Yoongi, please!”, Y/N whispers as her voice gives in whilst her eyes start to get wet. She can see that another crew member appears with what it seems to be a pocket knife. Yoongi does not spare a look at her as he tries to get the blood flow back into his arms. His arms feel slightly not existing because of the ropes. “Yoongi.” Tae’s eyes try to look for what she might have seen but the man already hid the pocket knife in his jacket.

“Then let’s begin.”, Jungkook announces. Whilst Yoongi tries to make some careful steps to get closer to Jungkook, Jungkook is taking off his jacket and throws it to the ground. Jungkook places his fists up as he would get ready for a boxing match. “Just a moment. I want to have both of them in my view. Sit her next to Tae.” Jungkook walks confidently into a position from where he could watch them both. The member of his crew places her down next to Tae with such a brutality that it must have bruised her knees for sure. A sign with Jungkook’s hand symbolizes to Yoongi that he should come closer for the first move. Yoongi attacked him immediately with his fist but Jungkook has been quicker and blocked the punches right away. Yoongi does not get irritated by his move and tries a few more punches but mostly they do get blocked. Jungkook is mocking Yoongi in any way he can just to have his own fun. Yoongi is not a big of a fighter as he usually does not fight. So far, he always handled everything verbally. Jungkook on the other hand, knows a few techniques from different fight sports as well from the street fights and is more than confident of winning any kind of fight. Y/N keeps a straight face as she grabs for her beeper once again. This time not to push the button on it, but find the sharp edge she had felt before. Her movements do not stay unnoticed by Tae. The man behind him left not that long ago to stand next to the guy who hides the pocket knife. Therefore, Tae risks to look what she is doing with her hands. Jungkook’s crew is looking intense at the fight, that they do not even notice what they are doing. They look from time to time but not longer than three seconds. Yoongi is keeping up so far as he is getting more into defense than landing hits. This gave Tae a bigger chance to take a closer look at what she is doing. From his new point of view, he can see that she tries to open her ropes but is being unsuccessful. Tae pushes his shoulder against her to make an eye contact. When she does look at him, he moves his head back as he would nod. Y/N nods back and gives him the beeper.

“I already pushed the button. Try to use the sharp edge on it.”, Y/N whispers. She keeps hear head straight ahead but with a side eye, she keeps looking around before she gives him the beeper. Tae wants to ask what the beeper is for but right now, he cannot open a conversation without getting too much of attention from anybody around. He takes it in his hand and tries to feel for a sharp edge. Whilst he feels around the item, he can feel something which felt cold. What he cannot see is that he had found a hidden short knife within the device. Carefully he opens the item as he keeps looking around with his head straight forward and without moving his shoulder too much. Tae starts to move this short knife up and down on the spot he felt the knot on.

“Do you give up, Yoongi? Do you finally understand that you cannot beat me?”, Jungkook yells as he places a strong kick into his left ribcage.  

“I do not give up.” Yoongi tries his best to stay on his feet but it is getting harder as the pain is taking over his body. Breathing became painful, moving felt like the current moved limb is about to be ripped of his body and realizing that the pain from the beating before is still there, makes it all twice that bad. Jungkook kicks one more time into Yoongi’s stomach and this time he crumps. Yoongi tries to get back up but one of his knees kept dragging him onto the ground which made it even harder to get back up. He tries to control his breathing but the pain and the bruises make it impossible for him. What he cannot see but hear is that Jungkook is walking away. Jungkook walks closer to the man who had the pocket knife which Y/N had seen before their fight. She watches him taking the knife from that said man and how he opens it up immediately.  

“Tae, hurry up!”, Y/N whispers. Tae says nothing as he tries to move his wrists. It has become looser but not loose enough. Tae works even harder when he feels how close he is. “Yoongi! Please, get up! Get up, Yoongi!” Yoongi is getting back on his feet slowly. When he looks at Jungkook, he sees the knife. Panic feels Yoongi’s body as he wonders what he wants to do next. Tae only cut into those pieces within the rope which would help him to loosen up the knot so he could free himself. When he cut the rope one more time, he could feel how the ropes slip down his wrists. Tae keeps his hand in the back to keep on pretending to be still in ropes. Slowly he pushes the beeper back into her hand.

“Keep it near you. When you see your chance, try to cut them too. Don’t cut everything, only the rope by the knot. Got it?”, Tae asks quietly as he turns his head to her direction to make Jungkook’s men believe that he is looking somewhere into another direction. Y/N takes the beeper from him and pushes the button one more time before she puts it back into her pocket. Jungkook walks up to Yoongi with the knife hidden behind his back.

“Do you want to end this now, Yoongi?”, Jungkook questions mockingly.

“You might think you have a trick or something up on your sleeve but we both know that you cannot beat me.”, Yoongi answers.

“Look at you! You look like a beaten trash bag and I hardly have any kind of bruises on my body.”

“You are just a big talker! That is why you have so many people working for you.”

“Am I? If so, how could I become wealthier than you, even you started your business before me?”

“Tell me. I do not understand how cockroaches like you even make it anywhere.” Jungkook’s anger is getting in his way of thinking.  

“See this?” Jungkook shows the pocket knife to Yoongi. This will show you that this is finally ending it right here, right now.” Jungkook takes the knife properly in his hands to be able to stab him correctly. Y/N’s eyes widen when she sees Jungkook walking up to Yoongi with the knife ready. Tae jumps up quickly and tackles Jungkook to the ground. Jungkook had no idea what had hit him until he sees Tae on top of him. His hands were on that one hand in which he held the knife whilst Tae’s knee is holding him down on his shoulder of his free hand. Jungkook’s members did not take long to take Tae off of him. When they dragged him away, Yoongi goes at Jungkook with full force. At the time Yoongi kicked Jungkook, Jungkook already sat himself up. The knife is still in Jungkook’s hand whilst Yoongi lands some kicks onto his upper chest and shoulder area before he got dragged away from Jungkook’s crew members.

“I wanted to spare you the death for a while but it seems like you are asking for it.”, Jungkook rushes to Tae but Tae is smarter and kicks the arm of Jungkook as soon he has been close enough. In surprise, he drops the knife to the ground. “You son of a bitch!” Jungkook lands two punches in Tae’s face before he gets kicked again. He turns around and picks up the knife. “Let go of him! I will fight him first.” Yoongi stood there out of breath and in pain whilst Tae appeared more fit for a fight. “I truly want to slaughter you but I guess it is better to let you feel it step by step.” Tae’s eyes are glued on Jungkook. He does not even close his eyes for a moment to make sure he sees what is coming next. Tae starts to put his arm up and kept one leg in front of the other just in case he needs to land a good kick. Jungkook tries a few times to get Tae into a grip so that he could wound him. After a few punches by Jungkook, Tae knows, he must get somehow a distance between them. Tae tries to hit Jungkook with his leg but Jungkook caught his leg and pulled him closer with a quick move. As he pulls him closer, he pushes the knife into Tae’s hip before he pushes his foot away.

“Argh!”, Tae screams out in pain.

“Tae!”, Y/N yells as she sees the blood leaving his body. “Please, Jungkook stop!”

“Look, doll is afraid I might kill him. Cute.” Jungkook puts the knife into his pocket. “Come on Tae, I thought you are so much better than me.”

“You are not playing by the rules!”

“You were too dumb to believe the Joker.”, he tells her. Jungkook picks Tae up by his hair to put him back on his feet. “I am so free to end your miserable life when you ask me to. So, do you want me to start?”

“Don’t!”, Yoongi says out loud.

“What did you say?”

“I said ‘don’t’.”

“Don’t what? You do not like him anyway, why would you care about him?” Yoongi’s eyes turn to her and hers are on Tae.

“Uh. That’s why.” Jungkook starts to laugh. “You do not want him dead because the doll likes him?”

“I do not care who she likes.”

“Well then.” Jungkook stabs Tae in his shoulder blades.  

“Argh!”, Tae screams in pain as he falls to the floor.

“Maybe I should cut your tongue. Then I would not have to hear you this clearly.” The pain in Tae’s body multiplies each second. A sudden pain fills his body when Jungkook rams the knife into his thigh.  

“Argh! Uh!” Y/N cannot stand the view she sees in front of her.

“Doll, do you like the show?” Y/N cannot move her head away from Tae as tears stream down her face. “I asked you a question!”

“Why are you doing this?” Jungkook lets go of Tae and walks towards her.

“Why? Stop asking me your stupid questions!” He puts his bloody hand on her neck. “If I would not like you that much, I would strangle you right here.” She looks up to him whilst she pushes the beeper further down her pocket. “Do not worry about Yoongi. He will be the show number three.”

“Jungkook, stop please! I will be your doll. Only yours if you do not hurt them any longer.” Tae’s painful groans fills the hall. “How much further do you want to go?”

“I think you have not understood my game, Y/N.” She tries to not look at Tae who is lying on the floor in his own blood. Something inside of her urges to look at him.

“The game is over when I want it to be over.” 

[goodvibesnanxiety-blog]

“Why Do You Overthink So Much?”

Why do I overthink? or  Why does anyone over think? 

Today, someone asked me why I even liked them. And of course, for me, that’s an easy thing I will gladly answer. So I gave him a list of the reasons. General things.. makes me happy, laugh, accepts me etc. And in return, I asked the same exact question. He responded with “Too many reasons. You’re freaking gorgeous baby” In my psycho ass head, my first reaction was “Damn ok, he only likes me for my looks” So I asked. “Is that the only reason??”. And he responded with “Why do you overthink so much!! I know you have trust issues but baby you gotta relax”. That hit me hard. I had been trying so hard not to let him see that side of me - the side that worries and needs that constant reassurance, but he noticed. He’s brought it up before.. when I “joke” about how he only wants me for sex… yeah I’m joking, but in my head I secretly want him to say no baby, I want you for you. It’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever said out loud to myself. And when he noticed, he said: “do you honestly believe that.. because you keep saying it”. I laughed it off like it wasn’t anything. So today when he asked me that, I wanted to turn my phone off and never answer. I was so embarrassed.

How do I explain to someone I  potentially have a future with, why I overthink? 

Me personally? A few reasons. 

The first is that I have really bad anxiety, it used to be awful. I couldn’t breathe on a daily basis just stressing over things I had no control over or worrying about everyone else. It took over my life. I couldn’t do anything or go anywhere without feeling anxiety. I’m constantly thinking the worst of people and situations when I don’t need to and there’s no reason to. As much as I hate to admit it, I need reassurance. Not just from a relationship standpoint, but my family and friends as well. I’m always making sure everyone is happy and good, God forbid they be mad at me for something. Then I try and do everything in my power to fix it. Sometimes I forget about me and making myself happy. 

Second, I’ve been through shitty relationships. Not playing the “poor me” card by any means. I put up with it, I got myself into the situations, and no it isn’t fair to hold that against anyone new in my life. It’s a reaction that I wish I could control. Anyone that begins to treat me right or want to be with me I think there’s something wrong or I’m always waiting for shit to hit the fan. Like it’s too good to be true. Sometimes I end up screwing it up my self because I get too worried and ask too many questions and I ruin it. I think my past two relationships have a lot to do with why I think like I do.

Previous Ex - emotionally abused me every day for 10 months. he made me feel like I was worthless and every single thing that came out of my mouth was wrong. I couldn’t ask him anything, I couldn’t talk to him about my problems, he would tell me to “shut the fuck up” or “stop fucking talking” or “why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone and let me sleep”, “go the fuck to sleep”, “you don’t know who you’re dealing with, little girl”, “get the fuck out of my house”. The list goes on and on. I was constantly worried I would say the wrong thing or piss him off and when he got pissed off it was brutal. One night, after he had been drinking, he told me “shut the fuck up, you make me want to blow my goddamn brains out”. I never felt so belittled in my life. This person that I did everything for thought of me this way. I didn’t understand it. How can I be so good to him and try so hard to make him happy and walk on eggshells trying not to make him upset.. and this is the response I get. It messed me up, more than I realized at the time. It’s scary to think that one person can affect you like this, but they do and they will, only if you allow them. I should’ve been stronger, but I wasn’t. Instead, I stuck with it. And I think the main reason I did is that I didn’t feel like I deserved any different. I know that I’m a handful and can be too much sometimes, I’m in no way perfect. After so long of hearing the hurtful things he said I believed it. And I settled. He has a lot to do with why I’m always so nervous and scared that someone is going to walk away. He ended it after I asked him to come to Thanksgiving with my family. Understandable I guess, but there wasn’t even a good reason except “I’m not ready for this, but I have feelings for you”. Worst cop out in the books. I was literally never good enough. When in reality, he wasn’t good enough for me. I settled in more ways than one. He was a low life, trashy, pothead who had no goals or ambition in his life. He killed mine. He literally put the light out in my soul. I was a lazy, dull, dark human being. After 10 months of nothing but arguing and drinking the problems away instead of dealing with them, I had enough. It was tough to finally let go, because I, being human, cared. It was the best decision I made regarding that relationship.

A Past Ex - we were together solid for a year, off and on for two. he was my best friend, yes. But he wasn’t good for me. In the beginning and even towards the end, we were inseparable. We did everything together. We laughed, we had jokes, we were perfect.. to some degree. I loved him with my whole heart. But it took him a year to commit to me. A year of dragging me along, sleeping with me, not speaking to me for weeks and then pulling me back in for round whatever. It was all on his terms. And I was always there for him. Always at his beck and call. I was weak. Finally, he let me in and we began a relationship. Shortly after we moved in together. About 5 months in, we constantly argued about everything. We would scream and throw things and tell each other to get the fuck out. A lot of the arguing was on my part. Being immature and not ready for the relationship we thought we could have. We lived together, big mistake. He had different ideas and views on things than me and I couldn’t get used to it. He would lie to me about what he was doing because he didn’t want me to get mad. In my opinion, that’s never the answer. I would rather someone tell me straight up than lie and hurt me more. He used to be a pothead. He quit when we started dating. But a part of him never really wanted to and he held that over my head our entire relationship. In the end, it had gotten rough. We went on a cruise and he drank so much he couldn’t stand on our last night. He was throwing things, slamming me up against the wall, punching the wall, loud enough to where my family was alarmed and trying to bust down the door. He never hit me, he wouldn’t do that. But the alcohol had consumed him. 2 months later he threw me a birthday party, and shit hit the fan. We were yelling and throwing things. I threw a chair at him and he came at me. My best friend had to hold me back. There were drinks thrown, people shoved and hurt. The night ended with him smoking weed in our driveway. I found out of course, and he denied it. Then owned up to it. Trust issues. It wasn’t even about the weed, it was the fact he lied to me. Repeatedly. Two weeks later I made a mistake. I went out with a girlfriend and ended up kissing another guy. When I woke up the next day and she told me what happened I didn’t believe her. I would never do that to anyone. Wrong. Well, I told him. Because I can’t hold something like that in. I was devastated. Mortified. I had never done something so hurtful. Well, when I did he thought he would get over it and two days later he couldn’t. So he left. He walked out of our home and didn’t come back until a week later to get his things. He wouldn’t have a conversation about it, couldn’t even look at me. I understood, but it hurt. 

Those are my two serious relationships besides my 4 years with my high school boyfriend. He and I were your typical first love scenario. It just didn’t work out. We had our issues, but nothing that damaged or affected me like this. He was good, I was good, we loved each other in the most innocent way. 

I’m not sure why I am the way I am. I constantly have to screenshot messages and get advice from my best friends and mom before I can even respond sometimes, I have anxiety attacks at work just thinking of what “might happen”.. when in reality there have been no signs of anything remotely close of that happening. It’s a subconscious reaction that I hate about myself. I’m always finding myself questioning every single thing, every act of kindness, every sweet word, every short response, every kiss goodbye. I’m screwed up. I don’t feel like I deserve anyone to be this great to me, or make me feel this way. I am constantly looking for something wrong and waiting for someone to leave me. I’m not insecure, but in a way I guess I am.. I don’t feel good enough to get a good one. I look at my friends, and they’re so sure of themselves and confident. And if someone leaves they leave no big deal, but when I like/love someone it almost kills my spirit when I lose them. So I find myself coming up with excuses to see someone, or planning out in advance when they probably hate planning…like most guys do. I get nervous waiting for them to call/text me after I leave or our date or whatever it might be. I need an extreme amount of reassurance. I’ve been praying to God to help me be patient and confident and to accept the way things are and not rush it and not be so psychotic in the head. It doesn’t seem to be working. 

I thought if I wrote it all out it would give me some kind of answer. 

I honestly want to be confident and strong going through this process. 

It’s a relationship for gods sakes.

[harrison-abbott]

ODE FOR THOMAS PYNCHON

  There is an episode in Season 6 of The Simpsons called Hommie the Clown. The story begins when Homer is driving down a motorway, and, seeing lines of billboards in front of him, exclaims, “It must be the first day of the month! New billboard day!” He drives closer and stops in front of the first billboard, an advert for English muffins, which perks his interest, and then onto the next, an advert for BBQ sauce, which makes him chuckle. He then spots a billboard with the bold letters ‘KRUSTY’S CLOWN COLLEGE’ with four dancing Krustys under it. Homer scoffs and remarks, “Clown College … You can’t eat that!” and drives off. Despite declaring himself uninterested in the Krusty billboard, it keeps popping into Homer’s mind. He begins to hallucinate at work, his colleagues turning into clowns, accompanied by jangly circus music. At the family dinner table that evening, he makes a circus tent with his pile of mashed potatoes. Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie turn into dancing clowns, prompting Homer to explode, “That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I’m going to clown college!”

 This is an analogy for a discovery I made as a younger man in my University days. But, before going on, allow a brief introduction to the personal context within which that discovery was made.

 I was 22 and had just completed the 3rd Year of my Psychology undergraduate degree. It was summer, and I’d just moved in to a new flat. I’d also just been dumped by a girl – ha – which made me rather blue. The said girl had been inviting me out on dates for around two months. The first month went pretty well, or so I thought back then. The second month the girl began to repeatedly talk about her ex-boyfriend, who had been a half-friend of mine before and who I hadn’t known was her ex. Her talking of the ex grew more repetitive on our dates, until it became one of the main things she talked about. On the last date I had with the girl, she invited me out on a picnic, and talked about how impressed she was with the ex for getting a 1st in his Degree. He was graduating that same day, and she was sending him a surprise bottle of wine for his afterparty. We finished the picnic, which she had prepared, and she made to leave. I motioned to kiss her bye on the lips; she snatched her head away to the side and allowed me to kiss her on the cheek. I made some jokey remark, like, “Oh I was actually aiming for the lips …?” She laughed, turned, and walked away. A few hours later she called me up to break it off, insinuating that there was another man in her life. And kept asking me to guess who this other man was.

 But, blah blah, this story is so absurd I now just find it funny. The relevant thing was that it led me onto a horrific alcoholic binge after it ended. I got fucked out my brain on whisky, wine, beer for weeks on end – drank as much as I could, just to hurt myself. I became obsessed with Kurt Cobain, like some 14-year-old, and kept self-harming with Bic razor blades, determined to convince myself that I had Bi-Polar Disorder. Haha, it was pathetic. I drank a half bottle of cheap whisky before every shift at work: I don’t know how I didn’t get fired.

 My flatmate whom I’d just moved in with went off on a long summer holiday to Europe, meaning I had the space to myself for three months. My binge came to a moment of clarity, one lucky day, and I decided to halt the boozing for a night. I cleared all the bottles/cans out to the bins, and I went down to the University Library that evening.

 The Sir Duncan Rice Library at Aberdeen was terrific – probably the place which has most nurtured me intellectually. Whilst I studied a scientific degree, which was dependent on reading electronic science journals, I was far more interested in the physical literature section in the Library, which was huge. So I would raid the novels and poetry collections alongside doing Psychology, a healthy mix of art and science. The Library also had this little music room in an isolated corner of the building, with a keyboard and recording equipment. I’d go in there and make weird recordings, many of which became part of the Violent Birth of the Moon repertoire. The Library was thus an enchanting place where I could learn and be creative.

 It also stayed open into the a.m. hours each night, so that a handful of us insomniac-Travis-Bickle types could go there whenever we pleased. But that day when I sobered up was the most important day of my University era.

 I first saw it – the book – whilst roaming the American literature section. ‘Gravity’s Rainbow …’ I thought, ‘That’s a ballsy title …’ I picked it up – a huge, blue, hardbacked, clumpy thing, without any jacket or front cover image. Just those words and an author I’d never encountered before. I skimmed through it and the text was smaller and denser than any of the other books I had in my current haul. I’d come on it by chance, and why hadn’t I heard of it? And why was there no blurb, or author bio – nothing to explain it? Annoyed with curiosity, I hesitated, but then put it back on the shelve. And I went back home with the other books, and sat in my silent flat, trying to read them. I managed to avoid buying booze from the shop before 10 p.m., and I dosed off to sleep, unsatisfied with the books I’d tried. I had a dream about the enormous blue book I’d left behind in the Library. I woke up whilst it was still dark, got dressed, and cycled back to the campus and took Gravity’s Rainbow out.  

 I stopped drinking, ended the absurd binge, forgot about the silly girl-incident, and became completely obsessed with this new book.

 These are the two sentences which complete the first paragraph of Thomas Pynchon’s 760 page novel Gravity’s Rainbow:

“A screaming comes across the sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to now.”

After and during my obsession for the book, I kept telling other people about it. I kept trying to explain the answer when they asked “what’s it about?” I couldn’t do it, at least not very well. Wikipedia cites the basic setting and plot of the novel as thus:

“Lengthy, complex, and featuring a large cast of characters, the narrative is set primarily in Europe at the end of World War II, and centres on the design, production and dispatch of V-2 rockets by the German military. In particular, it features the quest undertaken by several characters to uncover the secret of a mysterious device named the "Schwarzgerät" ("black device"), slated to be installed in a rocket with the serial number "00000".”

Except, the above is not a revealing explanation. Not that I could do any better, but I’ll try.

 The main plot-premise involves the central character Slothrop and his adventures during the closing chapters of WWII. Slothrop travels across Europe a great deal and has sex with a great deal of women. Every time Slothrop has sex, a V-2 rocket strikes the exact same spot in which the sexual incident occurred, a few days later. All kinds of military craftsmen and rocket scientists begin to believe that Slothrop has some mystic ability to thus predict the powers of the V-2 rockets, which is in someway connected to this coveted secret called the Schwarzgerät with the special number 00000. These military craftsmen and scientists seek to capture Slothrop in order to understand a mystical element of warfare for self-benefit. Slothrop’s sexual exploits take him from London, to the French Riviera, Northern Germany … yet nowhere is specific, and Europe becomes a roaming magical place of setting. Alongside his women he meets MI5 agents, SS officers, sex slaves, Pavlovian psychologists, a militarily-engineered octopus with which he has a physical fight, Schwarzkommando cadres, a witch, a porn star … Slothrop slowly begins to lose his mind, and channels a variety of alter-egos, as a war reporter, a German actress, a Russian troop … It is too hard to explain, really.

 Because it is unlike any thing I have ever encountered artistically. Not even solely in a literary sense. There is no book like Gravity’s Rainbow, but no film, or symphony or spectacular work of art either. I love GR for its ability to blend the obscure, the offbeat and the irregular into something that can be read with a type of astonished relish. The book is narrated almost entirely in present-tense, which gives it a rollicking pace. Words and sentences constantly explode in chaotic directions, yet all seem to be linked together in perfect imperfection. Pynchon bends his syntax, elongates language, punches and drags the reader through wacky scenarios. There are rape scenes, murder scenes, which should be too horrific to read – and they are horrific, but are described so exquisitely that one’s eyes lap them up. A lot of the book is very funny, often crass, crude. And yet most importantly Pynchon clearly has morality behind his multivariate approach. For instance, here’s an example, taken from a single paragraph (from my edition pages 549-551):

“The nationalities are on the move. It is a great frontierless streaming out here … Poles fleeing the Lublin regime, others going back home, the eyes of both parties, when they do meet, hooded behind cheekbones, eyes much older than what’s forced them into moving … Estonians, Letts, and Lithuanians trekking north again, all in their wintry wool in dark bundles, shoes in tatters, songs too hard to sing, talk pointless … white wrists and ankles incredibly wasted poking from their striped prison camp pajamas, footsteps light as waterfowl’s in this inland dust … bobbing, drifting, at a certain hour of the dusk, like candleflames in religious procession – supposed to be heading today for Hannover, supposed to pick potatoes along the way … non-existent potato fields plundered by the SS, ja, every fucking potato field, and what for? Alcohol. No, not to drink, alcohol for the rockets. … Women in army trousers split at the knees … looted chickens alive and dead … harmoniums, grandfather clocks … paintings of pink daughters in white frocks, of saints bleeding, of salmon and purple sunsets over the sea, dolls smiling out of violently red lips … So the populations move, across the open meadow, limping, marching, shuffling, carried, hauling along the detritus of an order, a European and bourgeois order they don’t know yet is destroyed forever.”

What can we see here? Aside from wonderful wordplay and beautiful language we see how clever Pynchon is. He has a wide knowledge of the war, and a compassion for the masses of people it affected. The sense of setting is profound; the enormity of the war is emphasised. This is only a fragment of the quoted paragraph …

 Pynchon is thus a historian as well as a writer of fiction. As well as a mathematician, scientist, music fanatic, film buff; all seen in a glorious collection of references, stats, diagrams, quotes, you name it. I’m clearly a nerd of this book. And perhaps not everybody would feel the same about it. Indeed, the book received much negative backlash by the critics upon initial reception in 1973. Although nominated for the Pulitzer Fiction Award in 1974, it was described as ‘unreadable’ and ‘overwritten’ by the jury board. And directly rejected because of a sex scene involving coprophagia – the consumption of faeces, in this case for sexual gratification. This particular scene is only one of many erratic moments in the book, and definitely not the most ‘immoral’, if that is the correct word. This is a common example of how stupid the critics can be. And another example of how great works of art do not receive the attention they deserve by the critics of their time.

 Anyway. Thomas Pynchon is a writer who has influenced me vastly, in a way differently from other influences. I’m not saying he is the ‘best’ or ‘most important’ to me, his work simply has a unique power over me. That particular summer, when I cleared up and read GR was among the most exhilarating periods in my life. It set me new ambitions, not necessarily to emulate Pynchon’s work (because this is impossible) but to be confident that there are always new things to be expressed in literature, and art. How an artist can be playful, universal with his craft, not afraid to seep up all his influences and hurl them wherever he wishes. I’ve read Pynchon’s other works too, and love them as well. I’ll admit I have a personal attachment in Gravity’s Rainbow because it singlehandedly pulled me out of that deranged period of alcohol, yet more importantly extended my love for literature to even greater levels, which I would never have thought possible. It’s an obsession which I still have, lingering.

 I found a rare copy of Gravity’s Rainbow which I’d been looking for for ages. In a second hand bookstore – a neat, antique copy, for only £3. Thrilled, I took it into the woods by my home neighbourhood to read again. And I still can’t quite believe it, but I went and lost it somewhere in the woods. I was playing football with my dog at the same time, and somehow I must have left it on one of the park benches perhaps. Somebody found it, picked it up – and took it home? Or they threw it into the bushes? Either way, it feels like there’s a copy of it, waiting, hidden somewhere in the woods for me to find one day in the future. And hidden in my childhood play-arena, as it were, gives it a further sense of mysticism. When works of art can obsess a person so, they must have something special. As a developing writer myself, I hope I can make something that will affect people in such a way, one day. But I’ll need to put a lot of effort in before I can get anywhere near Gravity’s Rainbow.

  15/05/19