#i was so stressed until tina pulled her out of the way omg

[br1ghtestlight]

obsessed with this

[mona-stay]

He say’s I love you - preference 

sweet pea It was the night of the fight started by Archie Andrew's and sweet pea. Serpent and bulldogs gathered in the rain at Sweetwater River for the showdown. Sweet pea had tried to keep you out of his serpent lifestyle, not wanting to get you mixed up in something that could land you into trouble. He sat in the Whyte Wyrm texting you, slightly bending the truth saying he had things he needed to sort out with the serpents. You replied back it was okay you had the night shift at pops so probably wouldn't see him tonight anyway. Sweet pea smiled if y/n was working she wouldn't be involved in anything he was about to do. Grabbing his jacket he leads a group of serpent's out of the bar to the house of Archie Andrew's. 

You stepped out of the diner for your break, coffee in one hand your phone in the other. Calling sweet pea, you heard the sirens in the background, what's going on in this town now? You thought as the ringing continues. Putting the phone down you frowned it wasn't like sweets to not answer your call, maybe he's still with the serpent's and can't talk you think you yourself.

You sat on the wall under a bit of shelter from the rain, sipping your coffee, trying sweet pea again but still no answer, after five minutes you stood up to go back inside the cold getting the better if you. A noise behind you made you jump, you heard heavy breathing and footsteps behind you. Spinning around ready to throw your now warm coffee at whoever was creeping around the alleyway. "sweet pea what the heck, I almost swilled you" you say to him calming down from your mini heart attack. 

Sweet pea staggered a little into the light, seeing his face you dropped the cup and ran to him. "Omg sweets are you okay? What happened?" you ask him leading him into pops. He followed you in not answering, going into the bathroom to clean himself up a bit.

While sweet pea was in there, sheriff Keller came in looking quite stressed. "everything okay sheriff?" you asked as he came to the counter. You grabbed a cup and started to pour him coffee "busy night" he rolling his eyes, putting his hand up refusing the caffeine "still going, I only came in here to see if any of the stray serpent's or bulldogs where in here?" he said. 

Before you could do it say anything sweet pea walked out the bathroom "you stop right there" the sheriff shouted taking out a set of handcuffs, sweet pea looked around of a place to run. "wait sheriff what are you doing?" you say stepping in between the both of them. "y/n move out the way he's under arrest for fighting!" he said trying to walk past you. "he didn't do anything he's been here with me for the past 3 hours, the only criminal thing he's done is his terrible chat up lines" you say lying for sweet pea.

Both the sheriff and sweet pea looked at you surprisingly "he's really been here with you? Then how do you explain the fact he looks like he's just stepped out of a boxing ring?" the sheriff asked still spectacle "yes he's been asking me out for hours but I'm making him stew after he promised me he wouldn't fight in school, and that a group of Ghoulies jumped him today. Isn't that right sweet pea!" you say, with a look meaning agree with me and this isn't over, making the serpent nod in agreement with you.

Sheriff Keller looks at you both with crossed brows still not truly believing you" if you want me to I can call pop and get him to show you CCTV" you say knowing the sheriff would never wake pop Tate up. "no you're an honest person y/n I trust you to tell the truth" he says walking out taking one last look at you both. Once he was gone and his car out if sight, sweet pea came and hugged you "I bloody love you" he said. "no you love that I've just stopped you getting arrested" you say back. Sweet Pea moves in front of you, making you look up at him "no y/n I mean it I really do love you, not many people would protect me like that" he says looking you in the eyes hoping you'd know he truly meant it. "well it's a good job I love you too otherwise your ass would be in a cell and not here with me" you laugh. Sweet Pea kisses you telling you once more his love, he stayed at the dinner with you until your shift was over, walking you home.

Fangs Fogarty

Your relationship with fangs had been amazing you loved everything about the big bad boy. However, that didn't stop a niggling thought what if he didn't love you back. 

The night had been amazing fangs had taken you to pops for milkshake and burgers before taking you on his bike back to the Whyte Wyrm where you'd laughed played pool most of the night. You stood outside of the wyrm with him waiting for your taxi home. Fangs had his arms around your waist while your palms rested on his chest. His lips leaving a trail of kisses along your neck, and that's when you said it for the first time "I love you fangs"

You felt him stiffen the second the words hit his ears, his kisses stopped as he looked at you. A smile on his face you thought he was going to say it back but he didn't. His head moved closer to yours kissing your lips only pulling away when your taxi came. "call or text me, let me know when your home" he said opening the door for you. You smiled and nodded at him getting in the car once you got home you sent him a text telling him your home and going to bed. All night you couldn't get your mind off how he didn't say it back to you when you told him you loved him.

The next day you went into school feeling sick and nervous about last night. You saw fangs laughing with the other serpents by their lockers like any other day. He didn't come over to you when he saw you by your locker instead he went to the common room either his friends. This didn't ease your feeling and neither did the rest of the day, you had math first lesson with fangs but he ditched the class. Turning to ask sweet pea where he was sweet pea just shrugged his shoulders also looking confused to his friend's chose to ditch class.

At lunch fangs sat with you, giving you a kiss as he said hello. "you okay baby?" he asked not seeing the usual smile you'd give him. "yes" you lied. The rest of the day you tried to avoid fangs, it was hard to look at him with your heart ached from the mixed thoughts. The rest of the afternoon you gut twisted replying that night outside the bar the blank awkward look on his face when you said the three little words to him and the sigh of relief as the taxi came. The over thinking got the better of you, you were going to just ask him and see why he didn't say it. Walking past the classroom the serpent's held their club in you heard fangs voice "honestly I couldn't tell you what's going on with her, she's a northside princess, maybe it's time end it" he said.

Tears ran down your face as you ran through the hallway. Once inside the coach's office, you balled your eyes out struggling to breathe. All you could think was you were right he didn't love you, all you were to him was a bit of fun some north side princess to play with. It had been almost an hour before you left the office wiping your face you decided to keep the littlest bit of dignity you had left, you were going to end it first.

You got home and got changed, finally finding the courage to text fangs can you meet meat thee park. We need to talk it's important! Was all you put to him no babe or heart emojis. A few minutes later your phone buzzed back yes I'll be there in half an hour, is everything okay he put back, you didn't answer instead you took a deep breath getting your bag and headed to Pickens Park. Fangs was already there sat on his bike as you walked over. You could feel yourself shaking the closer you got. Closing your eyes you tried to calm yourself you had to do this. Fangs got off his bike smiling at you, he lifted his arms to hug you until he sees the saddened look you gave him. "you okay y/n?" he asked slowly. You shuck your head no, "I'm breaking up with you, it's over" you say fast before you started to cry again. Fangs looked at you confused "hey wait, what do you mean its over?" he asked panic in his voice. "what I said fangs it's over, I have to go" to say as a tear fills your eyes.

You walked fast but fangs followed grabbing your arm gently "you can't do this, you can't say it's over without a reason, please y/n what did I do wrong tell me how I can fix this" he said his eyes watery too. You didn't know what to say so you went to walk away. "y/n please I love you don't end this," he said. You froze on the spot, your mind racing at his words, turning around you looked at him "what did you say?" Fang took a step closer "I said I love you" he said his fingers touching your clenched fist trying to make you open it and hold his hand. "then why did you say I was a north side princess and you were going to end us" you say trying not to be fooled again. Fangs looks confused at first then a realization hit him. "no baby you've gotten that wrong. I wasn't talking about you actually sweet pea was bitching about that girl from the cheer team Tina or Gina whatever her name is. I swear baby I don't want us to end" he says begging you to believe him.

Letting it hit you that you'd gotten his conversation all wrong, you open your fist letting fangs take your hand. "and the other night outside the pub, I told you how I felt and you couldn't wait to push me into that taxi" you asked. Fangs took a deep breath "I know I should have told you then but the truth is, well I freaked out. Anyone I've loved leaves my mum, my grandmother, even my sister slit town the second she could. I don't know I just didn't want you to leave me too" he said now looking at the floor. You cup his face "I'm sorry about your family and I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions too. I love you too" before you could say any more fangs cut you off "so does this mean we're not over" he smirked. You squeezed his hand tighter "no we're not over" you giggle "good" fangs answers kissing you.

FPjones You and FP had been at the Whyte wyrm most of the night. Fp had left you to attend a private meeting in his office with a few of his inner circle members. You had been sat at the bar talking with Toni while she was working. Your relationship with Fp had been a bit of a scandal when it became public, you were over 10 years younger than him and completely new to the bar and serpents. Some of the serpents didn't trust you one in particular called Tasha always made sure you knew her thoughts. 

Today was no different, as you stood in mid conversation with Toni, Tasha walked over almost knocking you over. "well if it isn't the world's stupidest gold digger" she said looking at you, Rolling your eyes you refused to answer her. "really I don't see what a stuck up bitch like you see's in FP or should I say what he see's in you really" she continues to say. Toni watches as you clench both your jaw and fists in an effort not to say anything back. After all, you'd promised Fp you'd not let her get to you anymore.

You and Tasha had clashed the first time you met, Toni told you not to take it personally as Tasha has been crushing on Fp for a while but he'd never go with her. She hated how you'd been brought right into the gang without having to dance the serpent's dance or any of the other tasks, it had gotten to the point where you didn't want to go the Wyrm knowing it would end in a drunken argument with Tasha. Last time you and Tasha argued, it had gotten so bad you smacked her in the head with a pool cue. Fp had dragged you out of the bar although he was happy you'd handled yourself he was disappointed it was in his bar with his gang. You'd promised him you'd keep control of your anger in future.

It had been working for a month, whenever Tasha you start making cracks at you and FP, he'd be there. To hold your hand or thigh under the table, tell you to ignore her or even tell her to go home and sober up. However tonight he was still in his meeting, and you only had your own self-control to stop you from doing something you'd regret later.

Toni looked at Tasha after seeing your clenched hands, "not tonight Tash, leave the drama for closing time" she said trying to defuse the situation. Tasha just laughed looking at you "no drama coming from me topaz just telling it how it is" Tasha said smirking knowing she's getting close to pushing your buttons. She wanted to push you till you snapped hoping to get you kicked out of the bar possibility barred and most of all out of FP Jones's life.

You had gone back to your conversation with Toni, "your so lucky you got Emancipation I wish I could" Toni said. "your uncle kick you out again?" you asked looking sad. Tasha scoffed "she only got it because her parents didn't want much like everyone else she's ever met" Tasha spat out. "excuse me" you spun around on the stool to face her. "so it's not true your father left you a few years ago, running off leaving you alone with nothing in the middle of the  night. You're an unwanted fungus. The only reason your still here is because Fp likes having a pet. You think he's in love with you, you're wrong  I bet he's never even told you he loves you. Your not special he's done this before, a lost vulnerable young girl looking for a daddy figure, someone who will open her legs for him, well until he gets bored and a new pet comes along. Everyone around here knows it and they all know he'll drop you like every other person in your life has" she told you.

You couldn't control your anger anymore, you heard her words and snapped. You swung the bottle in your hand at her head, the sound of shattering glass and gasps filled the bar soon the scream and shouts out of Tasha as blood dripped down the side of her head. Tasha got up to hit your back, the serpent's running to stop you both. Feeling someone grab your hips you turned on the spot smacking sweet pea in the nose with your elbow. The noise from the bar caught Fp's attention, he walked out the door seeing his girlfriend fighting. He shouted as loud as he could over the crowd of people in his bar. Everyone stopped and looked at their boss as he walked down the stairs. You saw the look on his face, the way he looked at you, anger and disappointment. Before he got to the last step you bolted, taking if in tears to a storeroom in the back of the bar.

You were still full of anger but not at Tasha more because what she said was true. Everyone had left you, your mother died, your father had run off leaving you homeless and by the look on Fp's face, he was more than ready to leave you now. A few minutes I to your own mental breakdown of loss, the door opened. Fp walked in but you couldn't look at him, "I'm sorry I went psycho on her I just snapped" you said low trying to walk past him to leave. Fp grabbed your arm to stop you going back out, you thought maybe it was just to stop you facing Tasha again. "let me go" you say pulling your sleeve from his grip. "no, because I know what she said and personally I think she deserved it" he smirked at you. "well she was right in what she said" you say low. "and it's only a matter of time before you do to fp, I saw that not again look you gave me I know I'm just a handful of trouble you'll get too bored or pissed off with me soon and leave me too" you say trying to hold back the tears forming in your eyes. Fp pulled you close to his chest, he knew you held a lot of self-doubts but he always believed you knew how he felt about you, now he wasn't so sure and needed to make you see the truth. "y/n look at me" he said, his eyes burning into yours. "I love you! You're everything to me and with your lively personality how can I get bored with you. I promise you I'm not leaving you y/n I love you" he said slamming his lips to yours, trying to prove his love through actions as well as words. He pulled back and rested his head on your "I know you believe everyone leaves you but I won't" he says again thinking if he keeps telling you you'll believe him. You smile at him "I know and I love you too FP you say. He smirks "come let's go home," he says leading you out the door.

Jughead Jones 

You and Jughead had been dating three months now, for the first time things were looking bright for jug. His dad was out of prison and they were finally living together as father and son at last. He was going back to north side high with his old friends and some new ones from the serpents. Yes, everything was looking good for him. You, on the other hand, wasn't so good, after the drive-in closed you had stayed at a friend's house until you and your mum started talking again and she let you back inside. However, the peace in the y/l/n household only lasted a few weeks and again you found yourself kicked out of your home. You didn't tell Jughead what had happened with your mum, he'd just gotten his own life back on track. You stayed at the school, mentally thanking your boyfriend for the idea. It had worked for 2 weeks you had fooled everyone you weren't homeless, but it didn't take long for Jughead to notice. It was late and you had all been on pops fangs and Kevin had left early, everyone knew why their new relationship wasn't exactly a school secret. Betty, Archie, and Veronica had left not long after leaving you Toni Cheryl and Jughead. You were next to go after Jughead had said he was staying until his dad's shift had finished. You didn't want him to say he'd walk you home so left while he'd gone the bathroom. Jughead and FP left not long after, passing Riverdale high Jug saw y/n climbing through an open window. He told his dad to stop the car getting out to follow you. He climbed through the same window you had looking around the maths classroom not seeing you in there.  Next, he walked the halls noticing a cleaning cupboard door open. Inside he saw your stuff, a bag of clothes, sleeping bag your journal. He knew you were living here he just didn't know why you hadn't told him. You got out if the shower in the girls dressing room changing into a pair of pajamas heading back to your temporary bedroom. You screamed when you saw Jughead sat on your sleeping bag. You looked at him with a mix of terror and shame, you knew he would ask the questions you want to answer. Jughead looked at you as you sat next to him, after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence he spoke first "what are you doing here?" he asked although he knew the answer. "school sleepover isn't it obvious" you joked back, Jughead only rolling his eyes to your sarcasm and realism. You took the towel started rubbing it through your hair. Jughead didn't say anything just watched you while working out his next question. "you shouldn't be here Juggy" you said your back turned to him while you Find your hairbrush. "neither should you, yet here we both are" he quickly answered. You turned to give him a haha not amused look, "seriously y/n why didn't you tell me today, your mum kicked you out again?" he said touching your arm to stop you brushing your hair and look at him. You took a small breath of relief, he thought today was the day you'd been kicked out instead of last week. "it's only for tonight she'll let me back in tomorrow" you lie knowing you'd told yourself that same lie every night you'd slept here. Trying to take awake the awkwardness of the situation and the increasing shame you felt you smile at him. "you hungry, there are cupcakes in the staff room" you smile running out of the cupboard, Jug shaking his head knowing your diversion tactics got up and followed you. Once he got inside you looked at him with a big smile "here you go" you say handing him the sweet treat, licking the frosting from your own. You turned to the fridge looking for something cold and fizzy to drink, Jughead set his cake down on the table. He walked to you "y/n stop avoiding this, how come she kicked you out this time" he said pulling to the table in the middle of the room. "I don't know" you say shrugging your shoulders "we argued at breakfast when I got home from school she told me I wasn't allowed in to find somewhere else to go" you told him, it wasn't a lie it's what happened only it didn't happen this morning like he believed. "you could have come to me! stayed with me!" he told you, you smiled at his sweetness "juggy this isn't like last time when we had the drive in you live with your dad now, I don't think after everything you boys have been through he'd appreciate a random house guest, plus it's only for tonight" you try reason with him. He looked like he was about to say something else when you got up "it's one night! Hey, why don't we reminisce the drive-in days" you joked heading to the cupboards "you head back to the cleaners room I'll get drinks, I know miss Wells had a few cans of Pepsi stored in here" you say. Jughead wasn't sure knowing it's just another way for you to avoid talking agreed to stay the night with you. Returning to the room you'd been staying in you see Jughead had your laptop set up, no doubt finding a movie for you both to watch. You got in the sleeping bag with Jughead as he pressed play on y/f/m. You were halfway through the movie when you sat up to get a drink, "here want one I found where Mrs. Wells hides her soda a few nights ago" you laughed until Jughead looked at you confused. Closing your eyes and huffing you'd realized your mistake. "A few days ago?" he asked lifting his eyebrows into his beanie. Biting your lip you looked down nodding yes. Jughead grabbed your hand "y/n how long have you been here really?" he asked in a soft tone, the kind you were avoiding sympathy. "almost two weeks" you answer feeling nothing but shame self-hatred. Jugs hand squeezes yours tighter "why didn't you come to me I could have helped you." you took a deep breath before answering "because it's not a few months ago when we had the drive in to play house in Juggy. You're finally in a good place now with your dad and school. I didn't want to drag you down with me. I'm a loser even my own mum wants nothing to do with me. Soon you will see I'm a loser too and want me to go" by the time you finished talking the tears you'd kept inside finally came pouring out. Jughead wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. "shh y/n your mum is well frankly a bitch and who cares if people think you're a loser because guess what I'm a weirdo and this weirdo loves you" he said. Your eyes lift up to meet his gaze a smile forms in the corners of your lips "I love you too baby" you say as he kisses you. After a small make out session you both cuddled up returning to the movie. "first thing in the morning we're getting your stuff out of here and your coming to stay with me" jughead told you "and then we'll speak to my dad about sorting you a trailer to live in, so you never have to go to your mums again" he told you as you started to fall asleep in his arms. Yep, things were bad for you at the moment but after tonight they were starting to look good again.

[inkstainedfanfics]

I Still Exist

Requests: Omg your stories are awesome! I was wondering if I could suggest a newt x reader with the song "Where Do We Go" or "Shatter Me" by Lindsey Stirling? Where the reader feels kinda neglected and depressed for quite some time and newt fails to notice because he is in a lot harsher mood and snaps a lot as a result of working on his book? And one day she goes "missing" and worries newt? Lots of angst pls!(Idk it sounded a lot better in my head)You can come up with the rest. Thanks!       AND      hi !! i really love your stories, and i was wondering if i could request an v angsty one where newt is under a lot of stress and snaps at reader? ❤️❤️

Word Count: 2,701

Pairing: Newt x Reader

Part 2   |   Part 3

Requested by Anonymous

Requests are currently open! Feel free to one in

The workshop smells about how you’d expected when you crawl into the case. A burning mixture evaporates somewhere nearby, partly covering up the odors of the various feed bags for the creatures and the plate of raw meat rotting on the table. You shake your head, disgusted, and slip past the shed. Scanning the field, hand over your eyes to block out the blinding sun, you spot Newt next to a murtlap. He’s on his knees saying something to the snarling creature. You swallow down the heart breaking in your chest. He’s exchanging more words with that beast than he has with you in the past month.

“Newt. Newt!” You shout, crossing through tall grasses and kicking stones out of your way. For God’s sake, “Newt!”

He twists enough to ensure it’s you before turning his back on you. “One minute, love.”

Hands on your hips, you wait as he chatters with the beast. It’s not that you’re against his research, it’s that he’s trying to cram chapters worth of new material into the book. You’d supported his idea when he first told you a month and a half ago. Now, though, you’re not sure you would’ve been so encouraging had you known he would spend every waking minute in the case without you.

“I don’t have all day, Newt. I have to get to the bakery with Queenie before it closes.”

He shakes his head, facing you. “I’m busy, love. Can’t it wait?”

You can feel the tension in his voice, strengthened, no doubt, by the bags under his eyes. “I just need to know if you’d prefer apple or peach pie for dessert.”

He mumbles something that sounds like ‘that’s it?’ but when you question him, he simply says, “I said it’s your choice. I’m sure you’ll make the right one.”

“All right. How about a bag of flour? I was thinking we could make some doughnuts together tomorrow morning.”

Newt sets his quill down on his paper and stands, brushing the dust from his knees. “I wish I could.”

“But you’re busy with your book?” It’s more a sentence than a question.

He reaches down to pick up the dirty journal at his feet. “I’m sorry, love. You know I want to. I just need to finish this study on the murtlap’s instinctive reactions to mishandling.”

“He bites you. There’s your answer.” You cross your arms over your chest. “Now will you please spend some time baking doughnuts with me tomorrow morning?”

Newt frowns. “You know it’s more complicated than that.”

“It’s been ages.”

“I know. It’s been ages since we’ve had time together. But my book is being published soon.” He starts forward, leaving you to follow him. “I need to be sure the information in it is as precise as possible.”

You step next to him and wrap your arms around his side. “Please, babe?”

Newt shakes his head. “I don’t have the time.”

“Newt-“

He pulls the door to the workshop open. “I told you this would take a lot of work. You were fine with it then.”

“I didn’t realize it would mean that I’d lose all of my time with you.”

He tosses his journal on the table and rushes toward the heated liquid that you’d first smelled when you’d walked into the shed. “I will try,” he murmurs, lifting the vial from the flame with a pair of tongs, “to find some time.”

“Try?”

He raises his eyes to yours as he sets the vial in a cooling rack. “That’s the best I can do.”

“I miss being with you.”

“You’re with me right now.” He quirks an eyebrow at his dry joke.

You groan. “That’s not what I meant.”

He wipes down the table with a rag. “I know what you meant. I don’t want to promise anything.”

You step forward to stand across the table from Newt but gag at the plate of rotting meat in front of you. “Why not?” You ask as you round the table and lean against it, next to Newt.

“I don’t want to disappoint you, love.”

You would consider that sweet if you didn’t see his left ring finger tap the table twice: his tell. “Don’t lie to me.”

He swallows, staring at the table. “I would never.”

His finger twitches. “Why the hell don’t you want to promise anything?”

Newt sighs and turns, rolling his eyes when he thinks you can’t see, but tries to keep his tone light. “It doesn’t matter, love. Don’t you have to get to the bakery?”

You suck in a long, slow breath. “Tell me the truth.”

He’s silent for so long, you almost ask again. When he does speak, though, you know why he was so hesitant. “I’m tired of your whining.” The words are quiet but harsh.

The long breath leaves in an instant. “My whining?”

Newt braces himself against the window’s wooden sill with two hands. “You have a tendency to complain more than is necessary.”

Your cheeks flush. “I’m so sorry I want to know if you even care anymore. I’ll try to keep my worries to myself from now on.”

He scowls, eyes flashing in anger. “You asked me to be honest.”

“I didn’t realize that my boyfriend would have an issue with me asking for him to spend a second of his time with me.”

“I am right now.” His voice hardens as he turns toward the tube. “Looks how that’s turning out.”

He stares at the vial like it holds the rest of his manuscript, completely ignoring the crack in your voice. “I’m sorry to waste your time. I’ll just see my own way out.”

“Please do.”

You want to both scream and cry and the result is your crimson face and puffy cheeks. You spin on your feet and march out, muttering curses at him beneath your breath.

You miss Newt. You miss joking with him, miss cooking burned suppers with him, miss late nights stargazing and sipping butterbeer until the sun comes up. This Newt, though, you wish would just go away.

Slipping on your jacket, you grab your purse and head into the kitchen, hoping Queenie will be ready to head to the bakery. The kitchen is empty, so you shout for Queenie twice. You’re about to head out the front door to see if she’s outside already when you notice the note stuck to it.

Something came up. I won’t be able to make it to the bakery with you. So sorry. Could we go tomorrow? Xo Q.

You step into the hallway alone. Your feet thud along the ground, one heavy bang at a time as your fury melts out, replaced by nothing more than a heavy despair. Newt doesn’t want you around. Queenie made other plans without consulting you. You’re little more than a shadow on the wall.

You continue down the staircase, growing tired and slower with every step. There’s no reason to hurry. No one’s waiting on you anyway.

The steps seem endless when you’re not pounding down them in a race against Newt or gossiping with Tina about the residents on each floor that you pass. By the time you reach the landing, the familiar feeling of hopelessness has wormed its way into your heart and made its bed.

As you trudge to the bakery, you wonder if it even matters if you return to the apartment.

Newt casts a charm on the final candle, sending it floating into the air around the blanket. He sets two plates on it, flicking a pebble off the nearby pillow he’s going to sit on later tonight. The basket of biscuits floats over, settling on the checkered setting. He looks over everything else one more time. The sun is already halfway finished with its descent when he stands. He chose this spot on the flat stone outcropping because of its view of the midnight sky. You’d loved stargazing with him on your first date, pointing out random shapes and making up stories for whatever you saw. It was all you had talked about for the next month.

Newt rubs his neck as he leaves the spot to go find you. He hadn’t meant to say what he said. Sure, maybe you could be persistent, but it isn’t your fault the two of you hadn’t had a date in so long.

He’d felt terrible the moment he’d calmed down, but when he had climbed out of the case and searched for you, you’d already left for the bakery with Queenie.

The next hour of his research had been worthless; he’d spent the entire time wondering how to properly apologize for what he’d said.

Now, though, the picnic is ready and you’ll be back from the bakery.

Crawling out of the case, he notices your jacket isn’t strewn across the bed. Odd, but he continues forward. Queenie sings in the kitchen, swaying along to the jumping record playing in the corner.

“Queenie?”

“Hey, honey, I was wondering about you. Will you join us for dinner tonight or are you gonna be too busy in that case?”

Red tinges his cheeks. So everyone feels the same. “I’m afraid I’ll be in the case again. How was the trip to the bakery?”

“Oh, apologize for that, would you? I feel horrible for having to cancel.”

Newt’s face screws up in confusion. “Wait, you two didn’t go together?”

“No. I had a work situation.”

“So you’re alone? You don’t know where she is? She’s not with you?” Newt’s innate protective side pesters him.

Queenie giggles. “Why would she be? I thought she was with her ‘handsome, clumsy boyfriend.’”

Newt ignores Queenie’s use of your thoughts and asks when she last saw you.

“This morning at breakfast. When you would barely look at the poor girl.”

Newt’s guilt digs deeper. “Do you know where she is?”

Queenie stops dancing as she sets a pot of food down. “Probably with Tina.”

“Who’s with me?” Tina calls from her room, appearing in the doorway.

Newt tries to calm his heart before it begins pounding.

Queenie steps to Newt’s side. “She’s probably just running late at the bakery.”

“Impossible. It’s getting dark out. It’ll be dangerous for her to walk alone.”

Tina interrupts. “She’s probably in the case. You just didn’t notice her.”

Newt nods. Of course. He could’ve just passed you when you were standing behind some trees or feeding a large creature. “I’ll check again.” He’s back in his room and in the case in a minute.

He walks through the fields, calling your name from habitat to habitat, but the further he gets without a response, the faster he moves, until he’s jogging, running, sprinting back toward the apartment. He smacks his head trying to hurry out.

He rolls across the bedroom floor, yanking the door open and dashing to Tina and Queenie.

They take in his red face, terrified eyes, and hands on his knees as he pants. “She wasn’t down there. Anywhere.”

Tina can’t hide her nerves when she peeks through a curtain and spies the black sky. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.” Newt spits out. “We need to find her.” He stands and strides toward the door.

Tina reaches a hand out and grabs his arm. “Newt, wait. We don’t even know where to start.” “We’ll figure it out.”

“If she’s really in danger, we need a plan.”

Newt is quiet. “I have one: Find her and save her.”

“One more developed than that.”

“I’m sorry, but we don’t have time to wait around thinking.”

“Stop and think!”

“She could be hurt!”

“Wow,” you interrupt meekly from the now open front door, “you were really going to give up some of your precious time to try to find me?”

Newt’s shoulders sag when he sees you. “Where were you?”

“Out.”

“Look at what time it is. You could have been hurt.”

You walk in and shrug the grocery bag off your shoulder. “Why would you care?”

“I care about you.”

“Yeah?” You walk past him, sliding your jacket off your arms. “What a great line to pull out anytime it seems like I might leave you.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Please let me explain.”

“Let you?” You hang your jacket on a hook and turn, eyebrows raised. “I should do something for you? Why, exactly, should I when you can’t even give me five minutes of your time to talk?”

Newt winces at the blow. “I know I haven’t been paying you enough attention lately. I’m sorry.”

“Lovely. It comes at the perfect time.” You run a hand through your hair. “Whatever, Newt. I don’t want to fight right now.”

He follows you into the bedroom. “Where were you?”

“I was leaving.” You pull open the case, voice flat.

Newt’s shoulders curl in. “To where?”

“Wherever the wind blows me.”

Newt climbs into the case after you. “Why did you come back?”

“I didn’t feel the wind, and I don’t know where I’d go on my own.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad the wind stayed still.” He tries to smile at you.

You don’t reply.

Eyes flickering between you and the ground, he breaks the silence. “Are you going to leave again tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, Newt. It’s not like it really matters to anyone.”

He blinks. “What?”

You can barely meet his eyes when you face him. “How long did it take for anyone to realize I was even missing? Four hours? Five? It wouldn’t matter to any of you if I just vanished one day.”

He stops you by grabbing your hand. “You matter to me. So much more than you understand.”

You swallow at the pain in his eyes, but you’re too exhausted to fight tonight. “You can’t just act like this after a month and a half of pretending I don’t exist.”

“I know I don’t deserve forgiveness, but will you give me time to make it up to you as best I can?” His sincere pleads almost convince you. Almost.

You draw your hand from his grip. “I need space for now.”

His voice shakes and grows quiet. “Please don’t leave me.”

The little flame of anger in your chest burns your next words. “I won’t make any promises.”

He flinches at the words. “I’m sorry.”

He leaves, shoulder drooping low, when you turn your back on him without so much as a nod.

You look over your shoulder to be sure he’s gone before you slouch to the ground and close your eyes, letting the grief take over. You sink into the ocean of it, letting the waves drown you until you’re not sure if you’re awake or dreaming. You lose track of time as the ocean consumes you. Hours may have passed by the time the wind tickles your face and slowly blows the ocean of grief from your chest.

You prop yourself onto your elbows, peering around. Hours have definitely passed. A pink sky has replaced the midnight black. A pack of diricrawls waddle nearby, pecking at seeds. You rub your eyes and push yourself to your feet. The air is surprisingly cool and you just want to curl up in your bed.

You reach the shed and are about to leave when a beaten journal catches your eye. Newt’s collection of notes for the book. He treats it like a child treats his favorite teddy bear. He’s never even let you flip open a page before.

You lift it and examine the outside. Streaks of dirt cover it, results of carrying it everywhere. The corners are rounded from wear, and ink splotches are dotted around it like a design.

You open the cover, expecting the table of contents, Newt’s way of knowing what page he’d need to flip to. Instead, it appears to be the dedication page.

To my love,

You freeze, reading and rereading the final sentence five, ten, twenty times before you accept it. Your name is right next to Scamander. Written in the same messy scrawl. As though he hadn’t picked up the quill, as though he had meant to put the names so close together.

As though … as though he means to marry you.

[letterstochristopher]

Letters to Chris. April 18th. Day 10.

Hey Buddy,

We survived another day without you. I’m sitting in bed in your old bedroom. Nikea is sleeping to my left. I’m so glad she’s home. We used to share our beds all the time when we were little-Mom and Dad would hear us giggling and always send the steal-away back to her own room. But now it’s out of necessity. You know we have another extra bed in Nikea’s old room. But sleeping next to each other is so comforting. Nikea has to go back to work Thursday so is leaving tomorrow. I’m dreading sleeping alone.

Your ashes are sitting on the dresser. You were with us in the living room yesterday, but as I left for bed, the thought of you sitting alone was too much. I broke down sobbing, picked up your box and brought you into the bedroom. So here you are. It’s so weird. It destroys me to see your ashes. We had to take the lid off to put your ID inside to keep it safe, just in case we need it for something. Knowing your ashes are in there and actually seeing them are two different things. Seeing them, knowing they are the body of my beautiful baby brother…I can’t put into words what it does to me. It makes me want to die. But I can’t leave them in a room alone at night. It’s not you. You aren’t in that box. You’re free. But still. I cling to it because it’s all I have.

Nikea and I went to Sedalia to visit Grandma and Grandpa today. The house was so quiet-as you know we are normally there as an entire family. Which means the grandchildren running amok. Sue’s laughter. David telling hilarious stories. Dad outside smoking cigars. You wresting with Austen or Grayson. And of course, Nikea and me complaining of stomach aches from eating too much hole-in-the-bread and Mississippi mud (omg I would eat an entire hole-in-the-bread and Mississippi mud right now). It was so quiet. We went out to lunch at a Mexican restaurant down the street, where we asked Grandpa and Grandma to tell us the story of how they met (at a bar when they were 17. And yes, it was pretty much love at first sight). Of course, they are trying to make sense of what happened. We all are. Their heart breaks for you. For Mom and Dad. For us. 

I hurt so much for Mom. She broke down in the laundry room yesterday. It took Nikea and me a second to realize what was happening, then we rushed to her and held her as she sobbed. I’ve seen Mom cry a few times, but obviously never like this. None of us have ever cried like we have been the last 10 days. But it breaks my heart all over to see Mom. Tonight was worse. We thought it would be a good idea to put on a comedy, and decided on “Whiskey Foxtrot Tango,” with Tina Fey. About 20 minutes in, while Tina was doing her first interview with the soldiers, we thought Mom was laughing but quickly realized she was sobbing. As with all of us, it just comes on so fast and without warning. She has so much guilt, Chris. She feels she was too hard on you, too much tough love, and kept saying she wish she had known how desperate you were. She said she wished she’d told you how she and Dad were going to pay your taxes, how she would have done so many things different had she only known. She wishes you had joined the military full time rather than just the Reserve, since the structure would have been good for you. She kept saying how she tried so hard, and now it is too late. Too late to do anything with the knowledge we have now. Too late to save you. Too late. I told her it wasn’t the finances. It wasn’t the divorce. It wasn’t any one thing. You were just sad. It was your brain chemistry. As I’ve said a million times, I know what it was because I’ve dealt with it, too. And I’ve always hated it until now, because now I can explain to Mom what you lived with. You kept telling me you were so tired of your stress, of your depression. So many things were going so well for you. This kind of depression doesn’t care how well things are going. It doesn’t care that you have a beautiful son, a well-paying job you love, family and friends that love you, a beautiful girl who adores you, or the Reserves which you loved. It just doesn’t matter. In a way she knows that. She’s a psychologist. But she can’t see it. Not with her son. It’s too personal.

Earlier today I had yelled at her. She was talking about things you struggled with, and I snapped, crying out that you had so many good qualities and you weren’t just your struggles. Mom had to walk away, and when she calmed down she explained that because of her guilt, she’s trying to make herself realize there was nothing she could have done. When she talks about how she and Dad tried to talk to you about things, to offer help and you “just didn’t get it,” she’s not trying to put you down. She’s trying to remind herself she had no power over you. No amount of begging could have forced your hand. You were fine, you said. But once I understood that, my heart shattered for her. As a sister, I have so much guilt. Why didn’t I reach out more? Why didn’t I tell you every day that I loved you more than life itself, that I needed you here on Earth with us, that I couldn’t imagine my life without you or your voice or ill-timed jokes? That I felt so connected to you since we both shared the same heartache? That I felt like a parent as well as a sibling since I helped care for you as a baby? Why didn’t I just request off work when you came home for your birthday even though I had to take a day off for Clay’s surgery the following week? I should have just requested off. Oh my God, why didn’t I request off? You were here. Laying in this exact bed. And I didn’t come home. I could have hugged you one last time. Eaten dinner at the table as a family one last time. Told you I loved you one last time. And I fucked that up. I have so many regrets, Chris, as a sister. So I can’t even begin to imagine what our parents feel. Maybe this is why Dad needed to go up to Minnesota to take care of all your things alone. (By the way, he gets back tomorrow. And I’m dreading going through your things. I don’t want to face the emotions that will come up. Well, not come up. They are already here. Just get worse. It’s like I have a huge, gaping and bloody wound that keeps getting hacked at. I want to bury myself in all your things, but sorting them will make it so real. Because there’s no other reason we would go through your belongings unless you were gone. I just know I’m not going to want to throw anything out. Not even trash. Because it was something you held. I’m dreading it. I don’t know if I’m strong enough). 

Chris, I told you I had the same struggles as you. I told you Clay and I were having the worst year of our lives since his business went under, how we were moving into our friend’s basement because despite having a CFA and MBA it was almost impossible to get a job in Denver. I told you. Why didn’t you tell me how dark it was for you? I know you knew you could talk to me. Every text from you the last six months was about your depression. Couldn’t you have told me you were contemplating suicide? Should I have equated depression to wanting to die?? You told me you felt better when you hurt yourself after you punched a wall. I told you that was fucking dumb and to stop. You knew I had gone through the same thing. Maybe I should have seen this as a bigger warning side. But I don’t know what else I could have done. I told you I loved you and that you were strong and I knew you could overcome anything. I asked you to go see someone. Anyone. A therapist. AA. Any kind of support group. I begged you to take care of yourself, to focus on yourself and work on getting healthy like I did. I asked you to try switching up your meds since yours weren’t helping. You said no. Didn’t you want to get better? Did you think you didn’t deserve to feel better? I just can’t fucking understand. I went through all the same stuff, and I got better. Why didn’t you want to get better?? 

There is some laughter, though. We’ve always been a family that laughs all the time.  But lately it’s obviously been few and far between. It’s so weird how you go from sobbing to laughing to sobbing to laughing. After Mom calmed down in the laundry room, I pulled out your sixth grade art project that has a place of pride in your old room. It’s a self portrait, but mostly resembles an old man. Nikea and I used to laugh over it years ago. I’m so glad Mom had pulled it out to show you when you came home last month. Then Nikea and I were laughing at Ginger today-she thought Nikea’s leg freckles were food and kept trying to lick them off. It feels so good when we can laugh. Not good, but better. It’s not crying. 

​​

I should go to sleep. I’ve been falling asleep at 4:00 ,5:00 in the morning. I need to try to make it by 2:00 tonight. Love you. Miss you. So much.