#i was talking to my mom abt how it’s not that feasible and she said we’ll figure it out! like. girl !!?? youre supposed to talk SENSE INTO

[captainsjack]

pls someone talk me out of adopting a cat i am so tempted😭

[meangirls2004]

can i rant i’m gonna rant

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

I love the idea of the groups of VHs camping together at night when they're out doing missions away from the base of operations.

I know it isn't reasonable to integrate into the main story of the game, but I genuinely love the idea and implications of it. Like, the official art we got of the Bl3 VHs camping together on Pandora warms my soul. It's my desktop wallpaper 33% of the time. I have stubbornly written it into H2o au because camping means slice of life and non-intense interactions most of the time so they all get to just hang out and bond over a campfire

It's all about the Found Family. I know that's why I'm drawn to it and I wish we had more emphasis on that part of the story in the games because it's so so so important to me. Like contrasting the Crimson Raiders as a found family vs the CoV's found family. It never really happens tho, we just have to compare them ourselves later.

We never really get shown that the Raiders are a family in 3 when they should be the foil to the cov. Half the bl2 VHs aren't present for the main story, half the characters are spread out across the galaxy, nobody really cares when Maya dies except a new character (who I'd kill for, just fyi, Ava is a good person okay) we've barely interacted with. I know it isn't feasible to have just random scenes bogging the game down of found family stuff, but having the Raiders ACT like a family would've been really sweet. Hammerlock comes back and everyone greets him, celebrates his safe return. Badgers him abt his new boyfriend. Nope, nothing. He's here on sanc-3 now for some reason but winny isn't and idk why. Maya dies and people actually grieve, you can see people crying, there's a shrine set up on sanc3 where you can drop flowers or books for her and maybe it's just a shitty photograph bc that's all the resources we have right now but it is SOMETHING, the B-Team come back to sanc-3 after reconnecting with Lilith (because they were cut from the final fight) after the Anvil, Moxxi and Tannis or Marcus talk since Moxxi can wander the ship, people have communication or ECHO mails from zed (since his VA was unavailable) up on screens around the ship to see how he's doing instead of fart jokes hell maybe do the same with Axton and Sal and Gaige and Athena and Fiona, just to keep in touch even if their VAs weren't available. Lilith leaves the bridge and interacts with civilians on the ship as their leader! Has a drink at Moxxxi's every once in a while, maybe?? Talks to Tannis beyond main story stuff as sirens! Is pestered by claptrap once in a while! Ellie and Moxxi talk since they are mother and daughter and were closest to Scooter!!! Tannis and Maurice chit chat bc he's a Saurian and he's mentioned her before and she wants to study him. Claptrap wanders outside of his supply closet every once in a while like he did in bl2! Tries to talk to his girlfriend maybe?? If he figures out how to climb stairs (which he does in cut content in bl2 just fyi he literally t-bags Jack's corpse like he said he would). Vaughn joins the crew because he wants to see Rhys once he hears we're going to Promethea!! Lorelei comes aboard and Lorelei and Zer0 get cute interactions! We get the moments from the END CREDITS but during the actual game to showcase HOW THE RAIDERS ARE A FAMILY

God I went overboard with this

U get the idea tho. Rn in game everyone pretty much just stands in their own self contained box wherever they are on the ship and don't interact with anyone else unless the VH comes by. What happened to Lilith and Roland talking about bloodwing after the preserve? What happened to Mordecai and Brick talking in hq, to Lilith and Roland chilling on the balcony together??? Going around and spreading the news that Roland died and hearing everybody's heart break???? Like??????? In Bl3 they're all practically anti social. And for Tannis that's fine I get it, but for the others it's kinda bullshit :/ ur telling me Ellie never wanted to go say hi to her mom? Lilith never wanted to check in on anyone? Ava doesnt leave the bridge to go looking around the ship??? Again. I know it isn't the main focus of the game but hell skyrim gave ALL their npcs schedules. You'd think the Sanctuary crew would at least have interactions with each other outside of main story stuff. The most we get is Marcus trying to get Maurice in trouble and Maurice didn't do anything wrong and it's a side quest not even a casual interaction

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all