#i will unintentionally walk all over a man who isn’t my equal or stronger

[angelsonthesideline]

Have you ever put a bad boy over your knee?

I’m very into strong, dominant men - so no

[adonis-koo]

Sorry my asks was too long I had to make an acc and I hope you don’t mind I just re post all my asks as submit instead coz it’s long!

1-9 after reading ch 11 and prob unpopular opinion but I kinda felt like sometimes tease!jk behavior comes across as emotional manipulative with how he tends to guilt trip mc with his double standards when he’s angry.

He makes her feel bad for things he’s doing the same. And what he said was crossing the line and downright cruel. I understand the reasoning but I have to agree with that anon who said he was let off easy

2-9 I feel like he’s so far given a lot of excuse and pass for his toxic behaviour just because he has a messed up past. When I look at the conflict between mc, he tends to lash out towards her a lot when he can’t express his emotions properly or is jealous. It makes mc look like his emotional punching bag at times and coz he’s more aggressive than her, she ends up get dragged by or is affected by his emotions a lot more than hers does his in a negative way. Mc ain’t right too but she never lashed out the way he did.

3-9 Mc ain’t right too but she never lashed out the way he did. Sure he apologized but I feel like it was dismissed and that behavior wasn’t addressed more seriously. him being forgiven so easily doesn’t seem to allow him the chance to experience the full consequences of his actions and he needs to learn he can’t always deal with his pain by self-harm if he did happen to lose mc.

4-9 and mc seems a little over depend on jk’s approval. If him not apologizing would be enough for her to shut down that bad, than it shows her dependence on him might be bordering on unhealthy. It feels like all her approval and acceptance of herself at this point stems from jk’s behavior and words towards her because as you mentioned, her friends wouldn’t be able to pull her out of that situation if she did shut down.

5-9 She seem to feel insecure when he’s not giving her the attention she wants coz of her insecurities of not measuring up. I’m not sure if she’s aware of that and if she is it’s not addressed as much. Her accepting his apologies feels like a temporary bandage to her deeper issues and enabling herself to be more dependent on him instead of a chance for her to face it alone and grow.

6-9 I feel mc needs more chances to find her own worth and love outside of jk. To know she don’t need his love to feel lovable and worthy since he’s not the best person to get it from. She also needs the chance to be stronger and take more assertion and power as well, to balance the power in their relationship because it feels v imbalance now.

7-9 She needs a bit more equal grounds and feel in control and know she has as much power as him. She’s missing this in both sex and her relationship with him since the type of man she likes - the dominant and caretaker type like jk who has a tendency to be in control, can hinder her from growing stronger and independent.

8-9 And jk kinda needs someone more assertive and put him in his place and don’t take no bs from him. Someone who’ll be willing to walk away and have a time out when needed instead of always accepting him back so easily after he apologizes when he messes up. I’m actually glad mc walked out & I wouldn’t blame her if she did decide to time out from him in this ch. I mean he needs to be treated w/ understanding but too much dismissing his behavior will only enable him to continue excuse his problematic side.

9-9 Change requires quite some time and I’m glad they talked it over. But I just felt the way it ended didn’t really addressed fully those toxic sides to their relationship when the negative influences they have on each other outweighs the positive so far. I don’t know if I’m making sense I’m not the best at explaining stuff. But of course they have a lot more room to grow too since the story is not over and I’m excited to see their relationship grow more. I honestly really love your writings and I’m so invested in the characters so I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m being hateful because your writing is amazing.

~~~

(edit: PC tumblr won’t let me use my pink font >:( )

So I’ve read over this very carefully multiple times and gave it a lot of thought because you pointed out a few things I hadn’t quite thought of or saw it in that type of angle before, so first of all, thank you! I NEVER want to portrayal a relationship that is toxic in a non intentional way, so let’s go ahead and dive on in.

Something I’ve tried to avoid is giving ‘excuses’ especially in the sense of using Jungkook’s background for it. Something I used to constantly say (and I should probably start saying again) yes he has a reason to act out the way he does, it does NOT mean it’s okay by any means. But in a way, we use our past experiences as human beings to guide us, bad experiences leave negative effects.

While we could argue Jungkook ‘needs to learn’ by suffering consequences (which to a degree I do agree because as a previous anon said he needs to be held accountable for his actions) it wouldn’t necessarily be effective in this situation because Jungkook is actually very self aware he can’t escape through self-harm or self destruction, he does understand his actions and what he is doing isn’t okay.

But that doesn’t mean he won’t make mistakes- or fuck up big time he’s extremely hotheaded and impulsive and it’s something he CONSTANTLY battles with, something I wanted to portray when writing tease is the very essence of humans, we can be self aware of our destructive tendencies and yet still do them without realizing it in the moment- only to catch ourselves realizing we did it later on. Which is what happened after their fight.

It’s a war between wanting to heal and become healthy while still struggling to let go of his ego and anger that get the better of him. It’s what makes him human, it doesn’t make it right by ANY means, but it’s a struggle of growth, and no matter how much we grow there will always be ups and downs and set backs. That was definitely something I wanted to portray in my writing, while we don’t see this internal battle in Jungkook as the fic isn’t in his POV we do get to see a lot of this in his journal entries.

This is however something we get to explore a little in the upcoming arc and it’s something we heavily explore after the upcoming arc.

Let me state again this probably still sounds like an excuse and it does not in ANY way mean to be, the only thing I can really do is just explain why I’ve written him this way. I can’t justify his actions or defend him (other then his charactization which still isn’t really defending him because it’s more to do in technicality of writing, if that makes sense?) because that would be enabling him and glorifying unhealthy relationships which we don’t do in this house 🤢

So let’s discuss a little about MC’s behavior, she is 100% dependent of Jungkook’s approval and praise and in a more unconscious way, that was pretty much what I was aiming for. But let’s take a look at their entire relationship through the eyes of the story, Jungkook and MC, in reality, set themselves up for this. Ever since they met they accidentally established a power dynamic-

(via mentor/trainee taken a little too seriously even Jimin states in chapter 2 ‘“You don’t see any of us grinding on our trainee’s, so what’s the difference Guk, hm?” Your lips parted at his words slightly, was he insinuating this wasn’t normal?’ This was the first clue that their mentor trainee relationship was not  normal compared to all of the others soloists who had trainee’s)

-that should have never been allowed to flourish before they really got to know one another. Because that’s the first step to what lead to all of this.

It first started innocently, MC just wanting to be seen as desirable by someone cute like Jungkook, and him being her mentor she wanted his approval on knowing she was doing well. But due to their natural tendency to fall into dom and sub combined with their already established mentor trainee without the foundation of a steady platonic friendship beforehand, it quickly descended more and more into MC needing his attention all the time, needing to know she was good enough and etc.

Really, this goes back to a previous ask I answered: Jungkook and MC have a lack of respect and knowledge for/of one another as people, as two individuals outside of the crumbling dynamic they established when they first met. I mean, sitting here thinking about it, I’m really not surprised it became such a toxic fest between them. They completely set themselves up for this unintentionally and now they’re going to have to learn is how to be a couple (and friends) without the power dynamic or else things are bound to fall apart.

Like you said change does take time and it’s something we’ll begin too see slowly developing between them both in the upcoming arc, but the one question that really struck me was your main one. We’re all aware of these toxic dynamics going on between them both, but why weren’t they addressed and talked about? I feel a little dumb for having to think about it when it feels so clear to me now. They themselves, don’t realize just how toxic their relationship has become, how are they supposed to when it’s been set up this way from the beginning? Their (unfair and unhealthy) power dynamic is all they’ve ever experienced one another through.

MC jumped out of one controlling relationship only to enter another more appealing one without realizing it and Jungkook has never even seen a healthy relationship let alone experience one. The only unhealthy aspect they are both aware of are the ridiculous double standards Jungkook had put on her in the past, because it’s the most blatant and dominant problem between them both. All of these other issues are more underlying and they are both oblivious too.

We’ve both said change takes time, but I think as Jungkook and MC begin to see each other as people outside of the power dynamic, and as they get to know each other as people and no longer as caretaker/little, sub/dom, mentor/trainee, these problems will eventually fix themselves, that doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t be orally addressed in the story. But from a writing perspective it leaves me to wonder how do I address this when they the characters aren’t even aware of how unhealthy their relationship is? That’s not really a question for you guys too worry about though lmao.

Anyways I’ll start wrapping things up but one last thing I really liked was your opinion on MC needing more independence and growth on her own. I can’t say for sure that’s what we’ll see in this upcoming arc but it’s something I’m definitely aiming for. As someone who though likes to submit I need a sense of autonomy and identity outside of someone else, so I can appreciate your words for MC!

I genuinely think they can be what they need for one another, but it’s always going to be a work in progress because as humans no one is perfect! It all boils down to what you’re willing to deal with in a relationship and what you aren’t, that of course isn’t an excuse to not work to become a better person or the best you can be! But a natural understanding. Anyways I hope I answered to the best of my ability, I said it once and I’ll say it again, I never ever ever want to portray a relationship that isn’t purposely set up toxically.

And that’s not too say I thought for a moment I had, because I’ve clearly stated in the past that this arc was specifically aimed at their toxicity, but it was more of a moment of panic that: ‘oh shit, I can NOT let this go on in the future of the story’ because like I’ve said before tease is all about character development, it won’t make them perfect but I want them to be a THOUSAND times better at the end of the story then where they are now.

Anyways no worries hun! I just hope this clarified a little bit! MC and Jungkook’s real relationship is only now just beginning to unfold in the upcoming arc, we’re only 1/3 of the way through the story so there’s still plenty of time! Thank you for sticking with it though no matter how frustrating the characters may be! I love getting asks that keep me on my toes, it helps keep me grounded and make sure I don’t accidentally become too biased to one narrative.

Thank you so much for sending in hun! ~~

[brotherskywalker]

Finnrey for the ship meme? :)

who is more likely to hurt the other?

Rey is probably more likely to unintentionally hurt Finn… Probably in protective ways, like, leaving him behind so she can defeat evil in order to protect him, etc.

who is emotionally stronger?

Gosh… probably Finn. I think they’re both very emotionally strong having both been through such shit, but I think Finn’s upbringing probably forced him to have a tighter rein on his emotions than Rey’s did.

who is physically stronger?

If we don’t include the Force or weapons, I think Finn is probably stronger. If we pitted them in armed combat against each other, I think Rey would win, however. (If just because I don’t think Finn could hurt her, whereas I could see her attacking him and being like ‘I thought we were going to fight!’)

who is more likely to break a bone? 

Probably Rey. I can see Finn doing it because he’s trying to protect her, but I think Rey’s more likely to be the one like “I’ll get it!” and jump down a seven story building to pick up his dropped hat.

who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

They are both good at this. I think… maybe… Rey has a little bit more control over her words? Like she can put her feelings into sentences a bit better than he can. Finn might be more of a physical comfort-giver and this is asking specifically “what to say.” So I’ll give it to Rey.

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? 

Hmm. Probably Finn, even if Rey’s the one that started it. He’d be like “I’m sorry you were mad at me” ahahaha.

who treats who’s wounds more often? 

Finn takes care of Rey because she is constantly getting into fights to protect him, or fight off bullies or whatever. She’s just basically always scratched up and dirty. Finn’s got a permanent little med kit on him at all times to patch her up.

who is in constant need of comfort? 

Rey. I dunno if I’d say it’s “constant” but I think even though they both had really rough childhoods, Rey’s more upset about her past than Finn. She is constantly searching to not be alone, she wants to find her family, she wants to belong, and is probably worried that Finn is going to disappear on her or leave her. (Not rationally, it’s just that everyone leaves her…)

who gets more jealous? 

Finn gets jealous because maybe he doesn’t believe Rey really likes him as much as he likes her… but Rey’s the one who would actually show her jealousy. I don’t even think she’d feel threatened (she trusts Finn completely), but I think she’d still be like BACK OFF MY MAN.

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

Rey. Which isn’t to say she’d walk out on him, but I could see her more likely to leave him behind to do some mission or thing, whereas I think Finn has to be knocked unconscious to leave Rey’s side.

who will propose? 

Rey will probably propose, but I could see Finn doing it. I can also see neither of them ever proposing and just having this already decided thought about it, like… “We’re married.” They don’t have to propose, they already know the answer is yes.

who has the most difficult parents?

Ummmm. Considering we know nothing about their parents… I’m going to guess Rey, but yeah. Really a non-issue here ATM.

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

Finn. Rey’ll hold his hand too of course, but I think Finn is more like WE ARE GOING OUTSIDE HAND-HOLDING COMMENCE!

who comes up for the other all the time? 

Once again, not sure what this means. If it’s asking who do they constantly talk about, probably Luke or Poe, maybe Han or Leia. If it’s who will fight for who, Rey will constantly be the guard dog around Finn and will bite off the head of anyone who so much as dares to threaten him.

who hogs the blankets? 

Rey. Desert girl, constantly cold. Finn is happy to share.

who gets more sad? 

Rey, though I think Finn would surprise you with his depths. I think Rey is more likely to wear her emotions on her sleeve. I think if/when Finn recovers more of his own memories he’d be sadder than he is, but I think Rey is more likely to be just… randomly sad sometimes.

who is better at cheering the other up? 

They’re both good at this… I think Finn can probably make Rey smile, and would go out of his way to do it. I think Rey just existing makes Finn happy. So maybe a bit equal, but I’ll give it to Finn since I think he’d use that power more intently than Rey would.

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

Rey smacks Finn for making stupid jokes. But it’s in a loving manner. And Finn’s jokes are half the time not jokes and just misunderstandings.

who is more streetwise?

Probably Rey. Finn grew up brainwashed as a Stormtrooper, so I think Rey is much more of a streetrat.

who is more wise?

I don’t know that either are particularly wise. I think Finn is more traditionally educated, but they’re both pretty smart.  I’m not sure either is particularly wise though.

who’s the shyest? 

I think they both have shy moments, depending on what it is. I think Finn has more insecurities about certain things, especially around Rey, so I’ll give it to him. I think even if Rey is insecure, she’ll dive straight into anything without the shyness. She’s much more eager to just learn and do and go for it.

who boasts about the other more? 

They are equal on this. They shout compliments to each other, and then to other people about each other.

who sits on who’s lap? 

I can honestly see this going either way, lol. Probably Rey in Finn’s lap simply because she’s smaller than he is, but I don’t think they’d think it weird at all if Finn sat in her lap, or curled up in her arms, or whatever. I really think they’d be somewhat equal in that regard.

[theunsentletterstoyou]

Dear Muse:

Hi S.

I feel I owe you an explanation, as best I can, of me unintentionally being a total creep on your birthday, though feelings are always tricky to put in writing and this won’t be adequate. Hopefully this will reassure you that I never meant to make you uncomfortable in the slightest – really the very last thing I ever wanted. I feel awful and I’m (still, a month on!) really sorry. I know you said not to worry about it at all and you're probably long over it yourself, but I can’t help it! This might not help. It might make things worse. I’m a terrible judge of these things, as you can probably tell. But here goes.

I don’t fancy you. While I doubt you believe that, it should hopefully go without saying. I mean – eleven and a half year age gap?! But just to be totally clear.

But I sort of approach that feeling from two directions, which collide very uncomfortably and add up to something that from anyone else's point of view probably looks romantic.

First – ever since you were three and impressed me so much with how incredibly mature you were for your age (I'm really surprised you remembered that conversation, last month, so many years on – how on earth do you so clearly remember so long ago and being so young?), I've had the hugest squish on you – to borrow a term from Tumblr. Like a crush, only platonic. A very intense feeling of friendship and desire to be your BFF, basically. I've always really liked you. (Not "like liked", but regular liked, but then again LIKED bold italic underline and larger size, you could say). Not love, but way stronger than regular friendship; I have no idea why. I always regretted that we weren't closer friends than we were. And even after we lost touch for so long I still remembered you very fondly and wanted to be friends again. I'm just rubbish at not letting life get in the way, and suddenly months became years became almost a decade. Turns out seeing you again ended up in almost instinctively releasing all that "HELLO FRIEND :D!" in a great rush before thinking how strong that's coming on from your viewpoint. Oooooops.

Second – you are beautiful. Really unexpectedly pretty.

I don’t mean sexy. I couldn’t find you sexy if I tried. I mean (1) eleven and a half year gap, so UGH, and (2) old close friends, and (3) I first knew you when you were a little baby and vaguely remember changing your nappy once, which would rather kill that thought even if it arose. There's this thing called the Westermarck effect – where someone who has grown up with someone else or known that person as a child can never find them sexy, scientifically it prevents inbreeding – which is very much in effect here. You’re not dating material in my eyes, just not attractive like that, and never will be.

But having said that, looking so to speak with the eye of an artist rather than a lover, the way one might look at a pretty flower or a sunset or a cute kitten or something (horribly objectifying, sorry, but there isn't a better way to put it), or the way I can tell certain celebrities are handsome – David Beckham, say, or Bradley Cooper – without any romantic interest, in the general sense of the word, you are extraordinarily beautiful.

Except it’s stronger than that. The same general feeling as finding a random celebrity generally good-looking or admiring a nice landscape or painting, only up to eleven. For an even better comparison: Seeing you is like walking around on a rainy day, when everything's grey and dull, and then suddenly the rain lets up a bit and the sun shines a bit, and a really bright rainbow appears. And I can’t help but stop and stare at it, with this “wow!” sense of wonder and awe, and think of how beautiful it is. And it’s not something I could ever have any sort of relationship with or even touch – and I have no desire to, even the thought of that makes no sense at all. But the striking sudden and unexpected beauty of it sticks in the mind long after the rainbow itself vanishes, and leaves me with a lasting sense of joy. I think most people I know would react to a rainbow the same way. You’re like that. I did write a song very, very long ago (when you were 3-4) calling you “Rainbow Child” – you might have heard it back in May – it’s still so true.

But there's no real sense of love attached, except insofar as I love everyone in your family (the totally non-romantic way, just a very strong friendship almost like extended family). It's definitely not attraction in the usual sense and I have absolutely no interest in anything more than friendship ever – “oh good”, I hear you say – it’s just “this girl! She's so... well she doesn't seem to be anything in particular. But wow, look!”

You just have one of those faces – this is something I've experienced with a couple of other people – that seems to stand out from far away even in a crowd, as if you were highlighted, to the point that I ask myself “there was a crowd too?” It's literally attractive, compelling like a magnet, my eyes almost can't help but be drawn to you when you're in the same place as me, and my thoughts do the same when you're not. It’s sort of like, if you’re looking at a big painting and most of it is black and white but there’s a red circle somewhere – your eyes just immediately and consistently want to go to the red circle. And you might walk away from the painting and think about that red circle again later in the day because it’s just so visually appealing to you compared to everything around it.

Another comparison I could make was brought on by something Sinead and I were chatting about before you turned up when I popped in last month: at one point she showed me your DVD collection and we got to discussing films, and she mentioned how a clip from one film got inexplicably stuck in her mind for ages afterwards, like a sort of “visual earworm” I think was her phrase. You know the thing: it's like having a favourite song that's so nice you want to listen to it over and over on a loop as long as you can, and maybe that song's a bit catchy and gets stuck in your head, and you find yourself humming it, even when you're not listening to it. And again, you couldn't date music – but you could certainly call some tunes beautiful. I get a visual version of that with your face. Like a Vine loop, maybe. Speaking of which, your actual Vine is insanely addictive!

It reminds me of something I once read in someone's autobiography:

“One of the most vivid experiences I have ever had was sitting quietly for at least an hour before a picture by the Dutch painter Vermeer, and absorbing its sheer beauty… The room was crowded with people, but I was oblivious of them, as I was equally oblivious of the passage of time. As a result of this act of concentration the vision of this particular masterpiece is indelibly stamped on my mind which has forever been enriched by it. I know that my ordinary acts of seeing and observation have been sharpened by that experience. There was drawn from me an acknowledgement of the greatness of the artist and his painting and I caught, with awe, the light of his inspiration and creativeness. It awoke in me a desire to follow in his footsteps and create something beautiful.”

In general, the way I feel about you is the feeling one gets when looking at a beautiful painting. But more specifically, like that man with that particular painting, your face is imprinted on my memory. It's sort of formed the background to most of my other thoughts since late April. Look up Shakespeare's Sonnet 113 and you get a pretty good description (admittedly in olde language) of how I feel. Normally when I see something pretty I just think “wow pretty” for a moment and move on. I’m not sure why you stick so much! I suppose it was the combination of you being quite pretty and that being completely unexpected – at another point we were looking at the family photos on your wall and Sinead showed me an old Vine clip of hers featuring a few of them which pretty much perfectly sums everything up from my point of view – you might know it, the one where she's comparing old photos to your present-day family with increasing surprise. "Then. Now. / Then - now. / Then, now! / THEN! NOW! What's happening to the world?!" She remarked, and I wasn’t going to actually say it but agreed, that your whole face has really changed. Even between then and now too and that wasn't even too long ago! And until April, I hadn’t seen you for so long, since you were seven going on eight: still don't really have any idea how I've managed to keep in touch with your whole family but keep missing hearing from you directly for over a decade. I've always been bad at keeping up with people but that was absurd. I missed you hugely, by the way. So since then I’ve felt exactly like her in that clip, only stronger (“THEN!! / NOW!!” :O :O :O).

You probably got the idea a few comparisons ago, but I just wanted to be totally clear. Getting technical for a bit (because that's how I roll...), I find you incredibly aesthetically attractive. This is a thing that's distinct from, but usually linked to and the beginning of, attraction in the conventional sexual or romantic sense – yes, those are two distinct things. If you know, just skip the rest of this paragraph! There's sexual attraction (“I'd like to get in your pants/hugs/kisses/touching up and ultimately make babies”) which is absolutely not there AT ALL. There's romantic attraction (“I'd like to date you/buy you flowers/"long walks on the beach" etc etc and ultimately marry you”) which is also definitely not there at all. And then there's what this actually is. Aesthetic attraction, in this case disconnected from any other sort. Which is “I wouldn't like any sort of relationship with you beyond simple friendship and could do fine even without that, and have zero interest in any sort of physical contact, but WHOA, your face, I want to look at it SO MUCH, no more than look, but really look and look for as long as possible and just never stop – in an ideal world I'd like to spend time around you just watching you, from a nice respectful distance, and just... drink you in, because you're so incredibly good-looking”.

On top of this (possibly a sort of by-product, but I don't know), as I once told your sister, and you might already know and have seen some of it – every time I've ever seen you, going back years, I've come out shortly afterwards (within a week or two) with some sort of art. Sometimes music, sometimes poems (you've seen a few), sometimes a short story or two, pictures once (not of you – I can't draw people!) And it's quite good art, or so most people who've seen it reckon. Which is remarkable because otherwise I'm not artistic in the slightest. I'd be happy to show you any of it, just ask. You just... really inspire me creatively, for some reason, and that bit has actually been around practically since you were born. If I had to sum you up in a word it would be muse.

I think my point is made. I brought you a present out of simple appreciation and wanting to just… thank you for just being you, super pretty and inspiring you – no actual desire for any relationship of any sort attached. I’m leaving everything right here. It was hard to tone things right. I was going to send you a birthday card, at least, anyway. I’d do the same for Sinead just out of general friendship. I didn't sign it with my name out of the worry you'd react just the way you did. Wasn't expecting for you to answer the door right as I stuck it through your letter box though – so much for anonymity.

I know what you're thinking: if he doesn’t fancy me, then why the "someone special" and why sign the card "admirer"? Simply because anything more (in both cases) was too strong, but anything less not enough. It was hard to find a word for how I feel – for a particularly close-feeling and beautiful friend but it never quite crossing into love –and I picked and phrased the card very, very carefully. Probably not carefully enough, but I tried. (Thank goodness “someone special” is a card category, it does the job quite well.) Even “admirer” is a bit strong, but having linguistic-geek leanings, I settled on admirer for etymological (language origin) reasons: it comes from Latin ad-mirare – literally, to look at, with affection and respect. For some reason it all seemed like a good idea at the time!

That was going to be the last deliberate direct contact I ever had with you after you said you weren't comfortable with it. But I just wanted to clear things up as well as possible, so that hopefully you aren’t uncomfortable any more. I know this is the third(?) time I’ve said “you won’t hear from me again” (random encounters aside), but this time I mean it, unless you care to reply.

I hope you know now I meant well, and would never not mean well. And I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable even now. That's the very last thing I'd ever want; the thought of you creeped out feels like physical harm to me.

I hope you enjoyed the Isle of Wight! Always a pleasure to host you :) 

With friendship

T

“Memories” – or “Thoughts on a Visual Earworm” early June 2016 

I cannot forget you! Although I last saw you in April, And now it is June, in my mind I can still see your face. Both waking and sleeping, your memory fills every moment, And summer's long days seem pale shadows of Summer's sweet grace. In all idle moments, my mind jumps to thoughts and to visions Of memories of you, both old and more recent to see, And trees, houses, people – my eye ‘shapes them all to your feature’, As Shakespeare once wrote! Tell me, when will I ever be free? Will it take till the summer fades out into red-golden autumn For Summer to fade from my memory into the past? Or will even in winter each day seem as bright as the summer And might memory-glimpses of you to the New Year last?

And why am I thinking of you? I’d not seen you in ages, Since you were a child, barely thought of you most of that time, Then I saw you again for the briefest few hours – but for weeks since You’ve written yourself into poem after verse after rhyme! You’re almost a stranger to me, and so very much younger, And we barely spoke – so why should I be thinking of you, When many more people have been in my life for much longer, And meant so much more to me: family, friends, lovers true? Why over them all does your likeness seem laid every moment? Why do you inspire every word, line and note of my art? Why though we might not meet in person again for ten more years, Do I find you in each passing moment engraved on my heart?

I wish I could tell what I’m feeling for you, but can’t place it – Romantic it’s not, for the thought makes me sick to my core, Yet a joy and a wonder at thinking of you overwhelms me And a lively creativeness turning to art more and more. It links to a realisation that you are attractive: In strictest of senses – my mind turning always to you, But not in a way that says ‘her I would like for a lover’ (Thank goodness, you cry) – more ‘I’d like to spend time watching you, Then drawing and painting and singing and writing about you’: Like poetry given girl’s form, or a portrait made living, Or a song in a body, that’s how you seem to me, sweet Summer; ‘Aesthetic attraction’, that could be the term for the feeling.

You stand out in a crowd, as if highlighted under a spotlight, As if life were an image in sepia, black, white and grey, But a single bright colourful part of it grabs the attention, And remains in the memory long after looking away. Or as if, on a dull rainy day, there shines out a bright rainbow, An iris of colour so vivid that cuts through the rain And illumines the world with a halo of red, orange, yellow, Green, indigo, violet bright – and then fades out again, Yet while it is there one can’t help but to stare at its beauty, It fills all the heart with a wonder, a joy and an awe, And its image enlivens the mind with its bright shining colours, So that all of the rest of the day the world seems dull no more. 

I don’t love you: you can’t love a painting, you can’t love a rainbow, Or a flower, or a sunset, but ‘beautiful’, yes, you could say, And could want to stop, stare at them, dazzled with wondrous amazement, And drink in the transcendent beauty of such things all day. And that's what you’re like, Summer, ‘Rainbow Child’ (so I once called you In a song that I took from a novel): if I had the choice And if rainbows and sunsets and beautiful you didn't vanish, I’d spend hours just watching your face, listening to your sweet voice. When we’re in the same room, your face draws my eye like a strong magnet, When we’re not, I still find that my thoughts to you keep on returning, Like a visual kind of an earworm, stuck in my memory On a loop, red-brown hair and bright eyes in my mind always burning. 

Whenever I see you, I find myself turning creative, And trying to capture your beauty in colour and line, But I cannot paint, cannot draw, so it turns into music And poems and prose, to describe your sweet face so divine. (Or rather to try to describe it – my words cannot capture How you move, how you talk, how you laugh, how you smile, how you look: Ten poems would not be enough, and I'm getting the feeling One couldn't sum you up in words even in a whole book!) A ‘muse’ I would call you – a girl who inspires an artist: Indeed I’m no artist except after I have seen you, But then how it flows out, the music and poems and colours, Attempting to echo the memory of beauty so true! 

I felt it when you were young too – but now stronger than ever, And far longer-lasting – a month it’s been, yet still you're here In my mind, in my eye, and on all things imprinting your likeness, A sight that with each passing moment seems ever more dear; So lovely, like art made incarnate, infusing my memory With big brown eyes, dark waves of hair, and a face from a dream, Well named, as reflecting the beauty of beautiful summer – The sun, sky, leaves, flowers in bloom; like that season you seem, Full of light, full of laughter and joy, so vivacious and vibrant, Even when summer passes, still Summer will live in you yet: Though autumn and winter tear leaves from trees, bring cold and darkness, Remembering you will bring sunshine: and I can’t forget.