#i wish i had the stamina discipline etc. to write a lot

[brynnmclean]

twenty questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @stitchingatthecircuitboard! Thanks, friend! This was fun! :D

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

54! Though some of them are ficlet collections that I might separate out, if I could do it all over again.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

180,644

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently, Rings of Power / the Tolkien Legendarium (including Silm, LotR, The Hobbit).

Previously, Rogue One, Star Wars sequel trilogy, broke ground writing fic for a m/m Viking romance novel Brothers of the Wild North Sea (it made me so happy), and the tiniest bit of Black Sails.

Before that, a LOT of Supernatural fic, some Being Human US, and LOST.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

cast some light & you'll be all right, 4.5k Explicit Rogue One Rebelcaptain fic where Cassian doesn't like one-sided sex and Jyn isn't used to having a partner who wants to make time for her. They figure it out!

waiting to step forward, 3k Explicit Rogue One Rebelcaptain fic, the direct sequel to cast some light featuring Cassian Andor: Cunnilingus Addict again

I waited for the crash to come, 17k Rogue One Rebelcaptain ficlet collection -- one of those ones that I suppose I could have separated out, but it feels way too late to do it now! There are a lot of ficlets that I love in there though.

beneath the stars, 4k Kíli/Tauriel Hobbit AU where Thranduil hosts a party and Kíli and Tauriel get to dance together and smooch :)

I wanna hurry home to you, 2k Explicit Rogue One Rebelcaptain fic, ALSO part of the cast some light 'verse, sex interrupted by a stand-up meeting, sex continued after the meeting, lol

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to respond to them as they come, but I have DEFINITELY run into the problem where I haven't responded to some of them and the more time passes, the worse I feel about not responding, and then it just-- anyway, if you've ever sent me a very nice comment that I haven't responded to, please know that I saw it, cried about how nice it was and how good it made me feel, got slammed by something in life, and now remember you with helpless, wordless gratitude.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't write a lot of angst! But an old old old episode-related fic called exercise in futility for Being Human US, featuring season 1 Aidan who was a MESS, might fit the bill.

Or out of storms comes strength for tomorrow which is a Tauriel-centric, grief processing fic...? but I feel like the ending for that one is more hopeful than not? That's a little more where I like to land. There's light in there somewhere, always.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Either sanctuary (Rogue One crew beach vacation for @eisoj5!) or I used to be a king alone (a May the Fourth Rebelcaptain Date-Shaped Mission or a Mission-Shaped Date).

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I got a couple unpleasant anons during the SPN days over some meta re: fandom reaction to a very large fic project, but otherwise my fandom experience has been kind. I can't remember ever getting hate on my fics in particular, but I have gotten some odd comments before, ranging from "why is [male character] randomly a girl" for a genderqueer / rule 63 fic to "when are [m/f couple] going to have Real Sex" for a smut series.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do! Not as much lately, but the majority of my Rebelcaptain fics were non-PIV (out of spite :D) explicit fics. The first smut fic I wrote was a SPN OT3 with Dean/Castiel/Lisa so... I have a little experience writing threesomes (looking at Galadriel/Celeborn/Halbrand eventually)!

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I have written the beginnings of crossover AUs-- I was kicking around a Rogue One Black Sails AU (was going to be Saw Gerrera-centric, as he's the Flint analog), I have an outline for a Rebelcaptain Bourne Identity AU (Jyn as the GFFA Jason Bourne -- one day I SWEAR I'll give this one a fair shot because I actually do have the rare PLOT OUTLINE), and I wrote a ficlet for a Rogue One Grey Company LotR AU.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I did have a Rebelcaptain ficlet plagiarized once. Many thanks to the anon who alerted me to the situation so I could make a successful removal request.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have not! I have had some fics podficced which were wonderful. :)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I haven't formally co-written a fic with anyone, but I am enjoying the hell out of playing around in the sandbox @rain-sleet-snow and I are hanging out in for the Uncorrupted Mairon AU.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

WOW, I absolutely cannot choose ONE out of ALL of them... If I have to choose... Right now I'm positively feral over Galadriel/Celeborn/Halbrand, but I wrote and will love Jyn/Cassian forever.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Alas... I am not good at finishing fics and I don't often have the discipline to write long-form fic. One of these days I would love to get back to safe house in the hurricane or out of grief joy.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Considering like, 95% of my fics are conversations / dialogue, I think we can consider that a strength!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

PLOT. I'm a pantser. I never know where I'm going next. Also action scenes are extremely difficult!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Thoughts? Cold-sweat terror. Thank you to much smarter people than I am for Elvish translations. Anyone who writes in multiple languages, whether real-world or conlangs, leaves me in awe.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

... LOST, maybe??? @ladytharen helped run a 108 word drabble challenge on LJ that I THINK got me into my first forays of writing fic that wasn't, uh, childhood handwritten scrawling in notebooks for LotR.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Oh!!!! I'm taking a leaf from @stitchingatthecircuitboard's book and going to list three:

I still think out of storms (the Tauriel grief fic) is one of my best

There's so much of my heart in blessed, the Éomer & Éowyn late night conversation fic that also features genderqueer / genderfluid!Éowyn fic-- though damn it, I wish I'd titled the fic better, but it feels too late to change it, lol

and honestly, as rusty as I felt writing it, I really love first flush of hope to carry the grey away, 1k Rebelcaptain not-a-kiss in an alley

tagging: @rain-sleet-snow, @ladytharen, @eisoj5, @heymacareyna, @ichabodjane, and whoever else is reading this and would like to. Consider yourself tagged!

[noakun]

Hi :) Your art is very cool, specially the colors

I was wondering if you could write some headcanons about Team Rocket Elite Trio, they're pretty underrated

Thanks ^^

Hello!! Thank you so much for the ask, I'll be more than glad to write something for them :> In terms of general headcanons:

Ken

Ken could best be described as a responsible and caring older brother figure to everyone in Team Rocket, even though he can be aggressive and strict from time to time in order to maintain discipline and keep missions in motion.

Despite his size and looks, he's respectful, considerate and really pleasant to talk to.

Can be kind when handling others' mistakes, unless he's faced with an uncooperative individual or is under a lot of pressure (which is more often than not exerted by Lt. Surge).

Speaking of Lt. Surge, as merciless and evil as the man is, one of Ken's biggest wishes is to receive his validation for being a good member of the team (and trying his best!). That, unfortunately, rarely happens.

Alongside Al and Harry, he deems Team Rocket his family, a community he belongs in, one he should protect and support in any way possible, no matter what he has to do in order to achieve that goal.

Desperately searching for a father figure after the early loss of his own.

Jokingly started calling Giovanni "dad" when talking to Al and Harry. (It's barely a joke anymore. Also, the nickname is now used by the other two as well.)

Really likes Pokémon!

His everyday outfit consists of a flannel, cargo pants and comfortable footwear. He has a LOT of flannels.

Coffee addict.

Al

Al is short. Short-tempered as well, actually. Nobody makes a big deal out of his height other than himself.

He's quick to speak his mind, and will make sure you know how irritated and disgruntled he is at the smallest of things that bother him, making him talk a lot.

On the flip side, he's honest about things he enjoys and admires about others too. If he likes what you're wearing or how you look on a particular day for example, he'll be the first to tell you and shower you with compliments and ideas on how to improve an aspect even further.

He rarely takes off his hat, and even when he does, he's simply fixing his hair before putting it back on. Very insecure about his appearance.

Rational and logical about other things and is a great problem solver, so people flock to him with questions and personal issues. He gets annoyed with it more often than not, but he'll help out regardless.

Has a bad habit of biting his nails, especially when he's been bottling up stress.

Surprisingly, he doesn't have a lot of close friends despite being social, so he sticks to Ken and Harry.

Has a thing for fashion and owns many pieces of clothing. A lot of them are hats and colorful shirts.

Likes playing cards and other luck based games.

Harry

Harry is the Popular™ one, and you'll most likely find him on some kind of party when he's off duty.

Made a group chat with Ken and Al so he could spam them with memes and hourly life updates. Al replies to everything individually and has a lot to say, while Ken keeps the messages short and brief ("lmao", "so true", etc.)

A big flirt, has had a lot of romantic partners in the past, but got heartbroken every single time (that doesn't stop him from pursuing The One™ in the future).

Agile and fast, has been training a lot, enhancing his stamina, and is able to outrun most of Team Rocket.

He's hyperfixated on Hatsune Miku and likes other anime-styled media. If you ask him about it, he won't shut up for hours. Owns a lot of (stolen) merch. His favorite Miku song is "World is Mine".

Self-confident. Doesn't think before he speaks and doesn't check messages for errors before sending them, leading to some hilarious typos that Ken and Al have been quoting for years. Unironically uses ":3" and variations.

He's the least likely of the three to physically hurt you. Can throw a verbal tantrum though and cause unnecessary drama.

Seemingly irresponsible, but when he puts his mind to something, he'll see it through.

Good at keeping promises.

But gossips a lot.

[lazcht]

Contemplations

...of aging, and the year of 2017

Hey, it’s been such a long time I haven’t write a long (and personal) blog so pardon my (even more) rusty writing skill--phrasings and poor vocabulary. 

Well. I’ve been thinking to share some of my thoughts to the internet concerning...age. 

26th of September is my birthday. Actually this is the last year I’ll be in 20s, haha. Lately (at least among my friends) it’s so familiar to hear “It feels like I was graduating school yesterday damn it.”

Is birthday really matter?

Nah it’s just a calendar--day, week, month, year, time system made by humans as a system to measure how long we’ve been here, on earth. I don’t feel really connect with the concept to celebrate anniversaries exactly by “time”. It works more as reminders, a trigger to notice myself to contemplate, evaluate, and plan. 

Should I be happy? Hmm. Celebration, eating fancy, wonderful wishes, surprises, gifts, are bonus. I might be taking them for granted actually, (I feel bad for that) but I kinda feel it’s not a necessary thing to have on a birthday. Though my birthdays have been so great since I was little, so in my mind, a birthday is always been a good and fun association. 

Except, when I was reaching 20... my anxiety about stuff arose, maybe this time is the same. I’m about to hit 3rd checkmark of 10 years of milestone. So it’s a lie if I say, that aging doesn’t matters at all.

I feel so grateful that I’m always surrounded with kind people who care about things I love, my well-being, or my future, or simply all people that accept my presence on their lives. So thank you for all wishes and gifts... Though I can’t promise anything in return.

Suddenly I remembered...

My mood was not really good lately. I’m thinking about lot of stuff. Frustrated, anxious, worried(?), and a little bit pessimistic. Why, I wonder?

I’ve been thinking, what’s the difference, and how I’ve been changing from 10 years ago; the teen me, to I am now. So here are my personal conflicts.

1. First of all, the easiest thing to notice, is my physical body. 

Back then, recovery was fast, good stamina, and a body that didn’t go sick although I didn’t put so much attention in it. I could ate stuff sloppily, hygiene doesn’t stop me from doing what I want, sleep deprivation didn’t matter as much, pollution didn’t really affect my respiratory system, bad posture didn’t get me strains or sores, lack of exercising also less punishing. Waking up motivated and energized.

Now... well, I’ve been trying to wake up not feeling bad, and go to sleep with a good posture so I don’t feel like shit the next day. 

Allergies such as dust, smoke, (my own) sweat, water (on my scalp) are easily triggered these days. I dunno if the environment here getting so much worse (well, it’s a capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta), or just my body can’t cope up with my old lifestyle.

After I get the feeling of living in a weak dying body previous years, being unproductive, unmotivated and low at energy, mood-swing, stressed and getting the feeling of “decaying”, having atrophic and useless muscles; I figured it was because I lack of self-care. I feel that can’t ignore this shit anymore, before it’s getting far too late.

2. Mindset & interests.

The more I think, I noticed maybe the biggest difference between me 10-20 years ago with me right now, is the optimism level LMAO.

In junior high school days, to 20+ ish, I kinda have faith that someday (perhaps in 5-10 years) I might be able to become famous, or having decent money flow. I felt that I was a genius compared to people my age, haha well I had a narrow social circle. As I grow older, things become difficult (actually prolly I was just underestimated lot of stuff back then?). Having more knowledge makes me think that I know nothing about this world, this industry I work in, about what’s work and what’s not, about this life.

I used to have strong feel of justice or moral compass that’s quite firm. I could really simply say that doing A is plainly wrong and doing B is absolutely right. As I grow older, learning so much stuff (from experience, or fiction stories I consume), knowing so much people with their insight from cultural, religion aspect, things are not as simple. I faced lot of turning point couple of years lately.

I used to have interest in drawings, my capability to draw something, but not about reading, or listening about things that inspire. My dream was to become an animator or comic artist, later on I was only interested in the drawing process, the result, but not the story. Maybe that’s why I’m comfortable in joining other’s project rather than doing my own.

I consumed things that only makes me able to create what people told me to, but not “nutrients” for my ability to conceptualize and inspire, to deliver message. In 7++ years of my career, I deliver nothing, just work, ego "masturbating”, fun and money. Not so long ago, I noticed I that I should change my direction. That I had to make impact, or at least, a lasting impression, stuff that people could think about. 

I focus less in technique, and think more about purpose, idea, vision. Things that only I, can deliver it (still looking). Things that are more personal and close to my identity.

3. Family condition.

Not only me that gets older. Parents, partner, sibling and other relatives are also getting old. Not to mention the economy and how industry, business trends flows by. 

Economically, my family is currently going downwards. Parent’s not as healthy as they were 5~10 years ago. Good thing they’re still lively, active, able-bodied to still go traveling actually. They simply can’t work continuously, hence eventually, incomes are scarcer. Bills getting higher each year, or even months. They don’t demand retirement (thanks to them), but I feel they’re thinking we (their children) are not ready to take full responsibility of paying all of household needs. But luckily enough, our family didn’t have any debt. Yet I could use steady income to cover us, as soon as possible.

Psychologically, parents are more into games now (I’m so glad lol), and they’re still quite sharp to pick out hoaxes though there are lot of random Whatsapp videos or articles they share with the old folks. Overall, still good but long term-wise, I’m quite pessimistic.

4. Spiritual side, ego, myself.

It’s getting harder to reach a clear mind nowadays, just a moment to meditate and let my mind sit calmly, silently. I guess I’m now getting even more drowned into the “Lazcht” ego. I feel the need to work hard, but only to serve the “me”. How about afterlife thoughts, awareness, mindfulness? I know I need more mind exercise, but there we are, too busy being involved into mundane stuff haha.

Love life, it’s hard to describe but now I feel like I can control better of my own possessiveness, to think that love is about giving, having a big heart, and letting go. Breakup? Nope, but as a formerly monogamous person, I’m currently having a polyamorous partner. We had been seeing the differences as our biggest obstacle on continuing the relationship, and I was trying to make myself adapt and change to compromise, but now, we decided to see and experience love with our own “style”. It works for now, tho, we don’t know for how long. :’)

Insecurity changed and taught me a lot of life lesson. Back then I’d never care much about my body image, upgrading wardrobe and so on. Lately I also feeling anxious again about my gender issue. The urge to transition (I’m a trans FYI) is getting stronger, but meh... I’m broke, so not now. :(

What do i do then?

1. Physical aspect: workout, regular outing, drink more water, body-awareness, and keeping good habit. 

Latest one is hardest, because of my zero-discipline. For people who has similar issue with mine, easiest way I find is to bathe regularly, at least once a day would make my day better. Maintaining room’s sanitary is also excellent method to wake up feeling great. Recently I bought an air purifier, vacuum regularly, and it worked nicely.

I once find using a scheduler app with fixed wake up time, eating, working, etc makes me feel better and content, then again it’s hard to keep it on long-term. 

2. Nutrients for brain: watch or read more interesting and recommended stuff, explore, make new friends or be in a new circle. 

I also feel that it’s necessary to learn languages, especially Japanese, I feel like someday I’ll really make use of them.

Probably planting is also a way to refresh mind and soul. I really hope to learn on cultivating vegetables, or just herbs if it’s easier haha.

3. Economy and family matter: can’t do much for this actually, except doing my best on my work and keeping healthy relationships. 

I really hope I can make them go travel somewhere else beautiful, since their mindset always like “we wouldn’t afford that much.” or “it’s not worth it.” well, perhaps they’re not into it but I just don’t want they can’t afford to spend money on something they love.

Hopefully I can find a good way to improve my economy without too much sacrificing important things.

4. Myself as me: I... just hope to improve, or perhaps become slightly more famous as an artist or gamedev person lol. Most of all, I just want to love myself more, and be content with my own self. Also hopefully I’ll become more useful to others, on anything. I wish I can optimize myself because... too much burnout (physical or social). If anyone notice that sometimes I don’t appear anywhere or rarely seen, that’s not necessarily that I hate being with you guys, mostly it’s because I need my space and time.

Ideally, I want to go to more convention events, overseas, selling my own stuff (or with circle), get in touch with amazing people. Or simply maintain good relations with people around me (not just physically ofc) right now. You guys are good friends. 

Okay that’s enough, I think I can count this as my prayer because I don’t usually “pray”. Forgive me for my wrongdoing (or let me know?) and thanks for being here with me. May universe get along well with everyone and hear our wishes! :)

~Lazcht, 29 Y.O.

[divinearchives]

Extended piece of Writing - work in progress...

She Of Afrikan diaspora This must be noted.

There are many Black women on this Earth with tones that beautifully contrast and have a longed, appreciative stamina for life, this began the creation of many truths, please remember that, this is just mine. With this conversation that I am now opening up, I pray that you now will be ignited to see through a more fair and patient lense of life. We all carry feelings that matter. Black women carry feelings that matter.

Love,

Divine Adeosun-Bright

Introduction

The Earth beholds many wonders and presents to us many moments that are of transcending beauty, one of which that resonates to me most is the timeless art that is the Black Woman.

In this essay I will be discussing our society's most underappreciated being, currently discussed as ‘Black women’. Also unocially known as me, I am a Black, Afrikan Woman - yes, it is true that I haven’t always been comfortable with that specic phrasing, there have been times where I had thought to prefer the term known as ‘Afrikana Woman’. This phrase was brought to me by revolutionist, Brenda Verner, she explains how feminist meetings would fail to acknowledge that Black women have dierent struggles to white women. Non-intersectional feminism inheritably preaches gender equality but with colonial justice. Afrikana womanism is a movement that prioritises Black women and their emotions, putting them in sole control of their decision making, it is the alternative to feminism which has been proven to explicitly prioritise a white woman's struggle in comparison to the women with Afrikan heritage. I will be reecting art pieces, conversations and my own personal experience being this woman of Afrikan diaspora living with the eects of colonialism within the now.

‘There are many incorrect depictions of Us/me that still stand today and it feels as if not many of us living in this society understand her, I have for many times felt misunderstood in my given vessel. It is true that sometimes I feel my feelings have had to be suppressed so that I can progress in life, the same way I feel that those feelings are being suppressed today so that Capitalistic societies thrive.’

I thought perhaps it is because they have never been taught. Society has not taught us how to love Black women which led to my essence as an Black woman being depreciated. I find myself having passionate conversations and then people labelling me as aggressive and unpredictable which inevitably grew into all of society's exclusion.

Loving her for who she is

See who she truly is instead of moulding her to what we think she should be, do not be fooled by what racism told us she is.

Do not mock her ancestry, nor invalidate her feelings and certainly do not praise her oppressor.

There were times in my life where I wished to change myself and to change my skin, those feelings were inside my mind at a young age which can only mean our society was not doing enough to ensure that Black women and children loved themselves. I didn’t wish to be blue, I wished to be white, presenting an obvious imbalance because there was not enough eort and resources going into the celebration of Black skin. There is a piece by Kandis Williams which expresses so tenderly: How it feels to live without appreciation. Williams talks from a perspective of total annihilation for herself, she explains how deep in her heart she wishes to be white, she speaks strongly as if she is casting a spell to change her skin. This feeling is tragically familiar to me, as a rising woman of Afrikan diaspora being raised in the now as British and I can say with my chest that it has taken a lot for me to love myself. I remember that feeling of needing social acceptance from White people. My mother married a White man after being in relationship with my Black father and I remember vaguely my mum saying she wanted me to marry a white man too - that comment confused me a lot however now I just see it as an issue to be solved and ridiculed, the whole idea about whiteness making you feel safer when what really makes a person secure and reliable is self-discipline not skin colour. My Step-dad didn’t enjoy me speaking about race, he believed the issue should be left in the past and that it is better now, it was very confusing... I grew up receiving racist daggers and no one to teach me how to defend myself because I was told this is wayyy better than before. All this made me very emotionally closed because I wasn’t able to tell others how I preferred to be loved.

She is a human being

Black women are beautiful goddesses from the sun. There are things we don’t like and there are things we like. Things we don’t like include racist people, colonialism and the feeling of someone not knowing your worth. Our likes include passion, the sun and our native foods. Yes that’s me, just your regular Nubian queen. That is likely what you’d probably hear if you asked her. So please stray away from the assumption that we are rude/ratchet, loud and any other unworthy stereotypes. I was gifted with a strong voice from the ancestors before me. Please listen to me when I speak.

Please respect my strength but understand I too am sensitive.

What I recall to be one of the hardest things with having Dark skin is the assumption that we are all super strong and made of iron inside and that we can deal with it all on our own. That is not true, we need people, just like the rest of the world.

This all, made me feel very unlovable. It feels so torturous, when the world relies on your strength so much and when you eventually snap they are unable to connect with you and call you a monster.

Lorna Simpson, through her work showcases our natural essence, she collages women from advertisement campaigns and lovingly intertwines their faces with earthly designed hair. The hair itself has a mind of its own which is very familiar to us women of Afrikan diaspora. With this she reminds us Black women of our beauty and sensitivity. Elizabeth Alexander introduces Simpson’s book and says ‘ I do not know a black woman who is at leisure. I have never known a black woman not eecient. Black women bide their time.’ I relate to this, it is true that the whole world is hard on us including our Black mothers as they try to prepare us for the rest of the world. I pray as time extends people see us more as human rather than resilient workers because this silent detachment leads to our emotional closure. A lot of us women in the Black community have our heart closed due to substantial pain from things like migrating countries, men betraying us and also the unjust killing of people in our community. So I feel like if you see a beautiful dark nubian queen, try and understand her pain before anything else. She has grown up in a society that doesn’t appreciate her and that is very damaging but not irretrievable...

It is not our fault that we are made strong...

Sometimes living as a Black woman does feel like you are unlovable but it is not true but i do feel that our society has proven to be intimidated by our strength & it is not our fault that we were made strong. Many of us push the barriers of this society naturally because it was not at all made to protect us. The avant-jazz album ‘Your Queen Is A Reptile’ by London jazz band, Sons of Kemet is an ode to loving and Respecting us warrior queen’s from Kemet(now known as Africa). Track titles are My queen is Harriet Tubman, My Queen is Yaa Assantewaa, My Queen is Albertina Sisulu etc... I feel the main message of this album is to say that the British colonial queen is a heartless colonizer, an invader of peace to put it frankly and she will no longer be the symbol of elegance and beauty for us daughters and sons of kemet as we seek to praise our ancestors who fought for our lives today. The songs are led by saxophonist Shabaka Hutchings who dedicated the rst track to his grandmother Ada Eastman. When I listen to this music, I don’t feel ignored or unloved, it is a beautiful feeling when you are being charged to dance, move and celebrate our ancestory as there is literally none of this in mainstream media. It is triggering when we are constantly highlighted for our struggle rather than strengths. Our society does not teach how to view Black people as equals just dependents.

Conclusion

I hope this information above has been helpful, it has been helpful for me to release. If ever in an uncomfortable interaction about race, listen and try to understand how it feels to be in the others shoes, we are, at times great at understanding ourselves but the true challenge is with understanding others.