#i wont actually tag this as swiss army man bc i dont want to be known by the public

[hallowedboo]

personally "you kiss a dead man underwater and it feels like breathing" is one of the more heart wrenching lines i have ever read and heard and the fact it comes from a film about a dead man who farts and is kinda useful for doing things (hence the play upon 'swiss army knife' in the film's title) is. shocking???

[toodamnloyal]

Freshman Watches Phantom

1. The Freshman 2. @crosscalypso 3. Me

3. Remember this is about 30 years prior. 1. Okay. 2. The empire doesn’t really exist. 3. It doesn’t exist at all. 2. -a look-

(our blockade is perfectly legal, we’re happy to receive ambassadors) 1. A trap.

1. Obi-Wan and Anakin? 2. Obi-Wan and his master

1. -whispers at Darth Sidious- I don’t like you. Sparky-sparky boom-man.

(this is impossible) 2. Not even a little bit. 2,3: -discussing how unconventional and powerful Qui-Gon is- 2. He’s almost a Grey Jedi 1. There’s more?! Come on. 3. Jedi, Sith, Dark Jedi, Grey Jedi....

(Jar-Jar arrives) 2. Ahhh. Guuuuh. 

1. Are they just made to be annoying? 2,3. Yes 1. Yeesh. Star Wars: let's make you even more angry

1. ‘okieday’? I hate him.

1. Woah that’s cool! Can I have walls like that? Oh. Are there more Jar-Jars here? 2. No only one is as obnoxious as Jar-Jar. 1. Jar-Jar himself. If they weren’t so annoying I’d call them Atlantians.

1. I have no idea what he’s talking about.

1. (jar jar talking) What? 

(Qui-Gon uses Force to put Jar-Jar to sleep) 1. Yay! I approve. What the actual heck is wrong with this place? 2. It created Jar-Jar Binks, it’s literally the worst place. 1. What place is this?  3. Naboo. 1. Yeah-no.

1. Can you make a Jedi in Pathfinder? It’d be a monk. 

1. Jar-Jar stop talking.

3. I love how in the book, Qui-Gon’s internal dialogue is always being annoyed by the one snarky handmaiden who has too much influence 1. There's a snarky handmaiden? So the’s the Artoo? 2. Yes! She’s the swiss pocket knife of handmaidens.

1. Artoo! Yes, Artoo-Detoo! Is that Artoo? 3. Yes. 1. Yay! The snarky one!

(Darth Maul arrives) 1. Oh my gosh! Who the heck are you?!

(tiny Anakin) 1. Is that an important kid?  3. -nod-

1. I have no idea what you’re saying Jar-Jar....

1. So no-one notices that he sabotaged the thing? 2. Nope 1,2. That or those who notice just don’t care.

(Jaba the Hutt arrives) 1. OH YOU. And another. And the albino mindflayer!

1. In my heart, I wanna believe that the part he broke was just a prop. Not important. Just a tiny thing. 3. But the camera focused on it. 1. The camera focused on it and this is Star Wars.

1. How the heck does the kid know how to do this?

3. The hardest freaking level on Lego Star Wars!

1. This kid, he has already accomplished so much more than me in life. 2. Well, his midichlorians... 1. I have midichlorians too I just don’t know how to use them.

1. It’s one thing to fly one of these things. But to fly it, while it’s broken and you’re racing and keep it under control - just let Ani win! I keep forgetting this kid becomes Darth Vader.

1. He’s like, what’s his name? The Saboteur?  3. Sabulba 1. He’s like the guy with a Toyota with the 50 inch rims.

2. The face he makes reminds me of Gillette’s stink face. ( @undauntedloyalty tagging you bc reasons) I’ll never be able to unsee it all because of Gillette and his stink face.

(careful ani, careful ani) 2. Shut up Jar-Jar, shut up Jar-Jar.

(you’ve brought hope to so many who have none) 3. And then he becomes Darth Vader 2. I give hope to other men and keep none for myself.

2. Aslan has freed you.

(we’re a democracy) 1. With a Queen. 3. The Queen is elected 1. But its not a democracy 3. By definition it is! 1. It makes no sense! 2. Shhhh

1. Please don’t tell me that girl is Luke’s mom 3. What? 1. Please don’t tell me that is Luke’s mom. 3. What? 2. Don’t tell you what? 1. It’s building up their relationship in this platonic way but I’m afraid it’s gonna be more, and I just can’t handle that. She’s so much older and, just - no. 2. He’s 9 or 10, she’s 14 but yeah I’m not telling you who Luke’s mom is.

(Papaltine comes in announcing bid for Chancellor) 1. I don’t like this guy. Right away I don’t like him. There’s something off with this guy. What’s wrong with him?

(I dont wanna be a problem. You wont be) 2. Literally becomes the biggest problem in the galaxy. 

2. The one character you spend three movies going ‘please die, please die, please die’ 1. And the ones you like they die! Obi-Wan, Yoda, Anakin when he became good again.

1. What can Jar-Jar do? 3. Wesa has a grand army! 1. -headdesk-

3. You said Anakin is the biggest problem in the galaxy. Jar-Jar.

1. Mesa want you to shut up. 2. Yousa be wishing that for long time.

2. Do you notice the way her face changes for are you just oblivious? 1. Face changes? 2. Oblivious.

2. Literally the their biggest problem was thinking they’re better. Now she’s begging and he’s like yes be friends!

1. (Maul onscreen) You terrify me.

1. Thank you for speaking normally.

2. Oh my God he’s Charles Lee! I’m a General Wheee!

1. Its a future version of facetime. 2. Holotime. Holotime all the time. iphone eleven. More like iphone elevenhundred. 3. iphone 66 (has no idea what she just said) 2,3. -ded-

1. Oh thats, thats how you bring an army. I want one.

1. DIY build your own army.

3. Why is Jar-Jar anywhere near there?! 2. Why was Charles Lee in the army, questions we may never know.

(Stay in that cockpit) 1. Okay.

1. HOW TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE

1. What are you doing? 2. You spend the entire movie asking that. And you keep on going cos he never goes away.

2. 11 year old in the body of a 9 year old because he’s a slave and wasn’t fed well, flipping dog fighting going “this is tense!” 1. He’s a good pilot but I draw the line!

1. He dies tho 2. I dont wanna talk about it 3. Nobody wants to talk about it.

3. blatant CGI 1. Awful

2. Uh-oh big boomers lemme just open the door and ya know lemme run with them instead of run away from them 1. takes out half the army, gets commended...

3. -gleefuly destroys 2 over Qui-Gons death and that in the book, Obi-Wan hears Luke’s voice screaming with him over his own death-

2. Just imagine how grieved Qui-Gons force ghost is when he becomes who he becomes. I am destroyed.

(I’ll be watching your career with great interest) 1. And then great fear. 2. -via text- Or delight

3. AU where Qui-Gon doesn’t die and Anakin is kept under control 2. Doubtful 1. What makes him go out of control? 2,3. Ha.