#i would honestly recommend reading the wiki over seeing this in theaters

[plush-anon]

Just saw Thor 3...

I... this movie PISSED ME THE FRICK FRACKIN FUCK OFF in SO MANY WAYS.

Non-spoiler things I liked before I rant under the cut (under the cut = spoilers):

Thor and Hulk’s relationship/scenes (the fight scene was probably the best one)

The Grandmaster (who was MAGNIFICENT)

Valkyrie (except for her “surprise” turnaround at the end - kinda poorly handled)

Valkyrie and Hulk’s interactions (not often, but surprisingly fun)

Hulk himself - I actually REALLY LIKED how they handled him. I was very pleasantly surprised by this

Heimdall - not on-screen long, but one of the few of the central Thor cast who was actually in character (and probably the ONLY one, really)

Hela... to an extent. She was okay, but she could have been GREAT.

Odin, a little bit (and isn’t THAT shocking - spoiler reasons explained under the cut).

Now you may notice two primary characters missing from the list -- that being Thor and Loki. 

Well, they’re the reason why this movie pissed me off.

Good gods Taika, what did you DO?!? (spoilers below)

First off, Thor - Thor is just SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from ANYTHING we’ve really gotten to see. He’s always been one of the more serious Avengers, but still has a sense of humor to him at times (I actually really liked his characterization in Avengers 2 - it felt balanced, a bit of humor with an awareness of what was at stake, coupled with his own recklessness and sense of superiority to these Midgardians mucking about).

Here??!? Here he’s just... he’s like a douchbag dudebro more than half the time (see his whole “That’s what heroes do” I mean REALLY THOR?!?! What the hell, you are NOT Snow from FF15 here). His dialogue patterns are all over the fucking place. I’ve really liked that in the past MCU films Thor was in, he maintained his Asgardian dialect and pattern of speaking, with a few places where he shifts and starts to adopt some Midgardian terms. Here? I was actively surprised to hear him sound like he came from the Shakespearean-esque world of Asgard the few times he did. It was just such a shift in character - not to mention the humor attempts. The physical humor moments worked well - any time he actually tries to joke feels painful and forced, with maybe one or two exceptions. This wouldn’t be an issue, except THESE MOMENTS ARE EVERYWHERE IN THE GODSDAMNED FILM. He FEELS like a douchebag, he ACTS like an absolute asshole, and just... urugrurbrjhjrhjh.

And LOKI - oh, poor Loki, he REALLY got the short end of the stick here. Loki is seen as this incompetent, slimy weasel with no sense of loyalty. Any and all character development from Thor 2 - gone. Just vanished, like it never existed. He feels like a parody of his Avengers portrayal, with little to no nuance. Tom was trying, I could see it, but it did nothing to save it overall. (Also, what the hell was up with the play scene at the beginning?!?! That was just... skin-crawlingly unpleasant, and uncomfortable, and humiliating. Secondhand embarrassment was SKY HIGH folks)

There were maybe two scenes that felt like the two brothers were supposed to act. The first one was the scene just after Thor meets the Grandmaster, and is imprisoned in the eternal circle hallway. Loki sends an illusion to Thor to try to talk to him about what to do next. He talks about how he’s in the Grandmaster’s favor now, and between the two of them, they could work together up the ladder of favor, until they’re high up. Then, they could take down the Grandmaster together and make a life for themselves. Thor is angry, and silent, refusing to talk to Loki and pointedly throwing objects through his illusion (and making Loki increasingly upset, until he demands to know why Thor isn’t saying anything). When Thor finally speaks up, he basically goes over what’s happened the past few days - Loki actually was alive, Odin died after being banished (oh yeah, Odin’s dead now - he spoke to his sons about finding peace on Midgard, and how Frigga would be proud of Loki’s magic, and how he was sorry for how he wronged them over the years, dropped the bomb that ‘his time had come’ and that once he did, Thor’s imprisoned sister Hela would break free and take over, before Odin pulled an Oogway and dissolved into magical sparkly golden soul dust over the cliffs of Norway), Hela broke Thor’s hammer, and both of them went spiraling over into the causeways of space and onto Sakaar - and asks Loki how he can be expected to talk to Loki based off of the past few days alone, after all that that’s happened between them. Loki then dissolves his illusion and leaves.

There’s a nice parallel scene at the end of the movie (last 5 minutes actually) after they’ve escaped Hela and Asgard’s been destroyed. They talk briefly, Thor mentions that maybe there’s some good in him after all, before throwing a bottle top at him as he mentions his illusions and how he would hug him if he were actually in the room with him - only for Loki to catch it, proving he’s actually there. They cut away before anything else happens (cowards LET THEM HUG DAMMIT), but it parallels beautifully to the earlier scene. Had they actually developed Loki’s character beyond this point in the movie, and ALLOWED him to have a heroic partial redemption (from his neutral stance at the end of Thor 2), this would have been FANTASTIC. But it was only confusing, as every other scene with the two was a mess - except for one.

When Thor first meets the Grandmaster, he catches sight of Loki off to the side and grabs his attention, where they have a quick hushed conversation, before leading into the whole ‘I don’t know this man’ ‘He’s my brother!’ ‘I’m adopted’ scene we see in one of the released movie clips. I really do like this scene. I just.. do.

I WOULD list the elevator sequence (where Thor tells Loki it’s better for us to part ways and for Loki to stay on Sakaar, ‘Get Help’,etc.) if not for what happens immediately afterwards, where Loki tries to turn Thor in for the reward money AFTER THOR TELLS HIM TO ESTABLISH HIMSELF ON SAKAAR WHICH HE CAN’T DO AS HE’S BEEN MARKED AS A TRAITOR UNLESS HE DOES THIS (but I digress, I can actually recognize this is somewhat hazy). Thor attaches his personal tracker zap device - a device attached to his neck SO POWERFUL that it ROUTINELY knocks Thor unconscious and is very painful - to Loki, powers it up to the highest setting, throws the controller very far away, and leaves him. Still strapped to the equivalent of a high-intensity tazer that can TAKE DOWN THE GOD OF THUNDER ON A ROUTINE BASIS. He’s LEFT LIKE THAT for potentially a few HOURS.

THAT PISSED ME OFF.

EXCEPT FOR THOSE SCENES I MENTIONED, EVERYTHING ABOUT THESE TWO PISSED ME OFF WHENEVER THEY INTERACTED.

THAT IS NOT A GOOD SIGN MOVIE.

NOT. A. GOOD. SIGN. AT ALL.

I don’t know, I just - this whole movie pissed me off, mainly because I could SEE the potential for what it could have been, what they could have done RIGHT FREAKING THERE. WITHIN GRASP. AND IT WASN’T. TAKEN. AT ALL. The Hulk/Thor scenes were probably the only time I actually LIKED Thor in this movie, and that took up like - 10 minutes? 15, tops? And it - uggghhghgghghhghhg. The mood whiplash was SEVERE here, going from jokey jokey scenes to serious to dark to jokey to dark and it just frustrates me. The mood with Hela should have been the consistent mood throughout the movie, with the exception of Sakaar (Jeff Goldblum, Hulk, and Valkyrie got it RIGHT there, absolutely perfect, and that mood should have stayed consistent on Sakaar). Skurge the Executioner was USELESS. The Warriors Three died as soon as they appeared. The revelation of Hela’s role in Odin’s bloodbath army as he forcefully conquered the Nine Realms was in line with Odin’s characterization as we’ve seen it (even if the daughter thing was... weirdly handled and introduced). Also, Thor’s missing an eye now.

(also what the hell was that dr. strange scene about it added absolutely nothing of worth to the film)

(and what was up with plot device surtur he was useless)

This movie felt a LOT like Suicide Squad in that regard - the mood shifts, the poor editing and storytelling, the awkward characters. Only difference here? Suicide Squad, I actually came to like some of the characters in spite of the movie, and I had no previous connection to them beyond that film at all. Here? Here I have a LONG history of adoring these characters, their history, their interactions, their development - and had to watch, for nearly TWO GODSDAMNED HOURS, as pretty much ALL of it was just THROWN THE FUCK AWAY or disregarded completely.

Ultimately, Thor 3 was a disappointment of epic proportions, which felt like a conglomeration of 3 different movies with radically different themes and moods and humor. The only way I’d buy this movie when it comes out is if they do what they did with DC’s BvS - reveal what it was MEANT to be, instead of this ugly, shallow MESS.

I haven’t been disappointed by a movie like this in a LONG long time. I actually  forgot how much it hurts.