#i am EXTREMELY unhappy with this movie

[zombyjuice]

NOBODY BETTER THAN YOU! - eunseok.🍨🦷🐆🍦 t(>.<t)

In which your boyfriend you recently just got back together with is coming over for the first time since.

bf!eunseok x fem loser!reader

toxic relationship, fluff, angst, smut! suggestions to the reader having depression (NOT ROMANIZING.) suggested cheating. etc..

so many things inspired/helped me make this so I’m just gonna . @melobin and @anquelic on insta and my playlist below took inspo from there too <33 lol!

“Eunseoks here…” one of your roommates sneered from the other side of the door you could almost feel the face they gave eachother. You hop up and rush to open your door with a wide smile on your face “Hey baby” your boyfriend, walking towards you, a hand in one pocket and a bag of Burger King in the other an extremely attractive smile on his face “hii” you practically melted pulling him into your room and hugging him tight.

“Please don’t fuck yet! Give it a week!”

“shut the fuck up!”

He chuckled kissing your forehead and pinching your sides, you loved it when he did that, made you feel so safe you could practically feel your heart melt watching his movements as he placed the bag on your table.

That feeling goes away in an instant as you watch him sigh as he moves some of your clutter to the side. This made your heart flutter with sadness and your brain go a bit fuzzy.

He understands you more than anybody really, he’s patient and he does seem to care for you, he understood all those months before you guys were ever official you’d disappear trying to decide if he’s the one and if you should give him the chance.

He understood the nights where you’d just sit in silence not wanting to be touched or talked to, and he understood the nights you guys would be talking like normal only for you to start crying out of nowhere, or the nights you’d scream and push him losing your temper only to end up in his arms letting him watch you crumble under him. “It’s okay baby, it’s okay I've got you, doing so well for daddy” “‘m not mad at you, okay pretty, it's okay”. He understood the nights when you were finally your silly self after spending a weekend alone.

He understood all your quirks and interests. Once he dragged you to one of his sets because he remembered someone working on it had a dog who understood multiple languages, remembering your rather odd fascination with it how. can they do that? And watching as you said sit to the dog in Spanish, French, and Japanese, complete shock and happiness painted on your face as you laughed and laughed, adoration painted on his.

So how is it that you caught him multiple times all over the girl, the same girl he had a pass with, rumor has it they were “casually” sleeping together before you ever entered the picture you know it was deeper than that. To him “it wasn’t that big of a deal and he was just being nice.” You had to constantly shift your morals just so you could be happy with him, he knew you hated it, he knew the disgust you felt with yourself every time you’d go back with him. But you loved him so it's alright.

You knew the irritation and anger that bubbled up inside of him when you'd ask “Are you unhappy in our relationship?” or “Am I annoying you? I'm sorry” but he loves you so he's got to deal with it, right?

And no matter how many times you believed he cheated he was stable, nothing in your life is stable but him. So maybe that’s why you feel you always go back to him. And only him. Because, to you, there's nobody better than him.

He turned to you already able to read your face “It's alright, today's our lazy Sunday isn't it? We'll clean a bit tomorrow but for now, cmere let's lie down”

The smile that was once on your face came back and you gladly took his hand as he led you to your bed and cozy. Watching some of your favorite horror movies and munching on Burger King you between his legs a hands squishing your thighs and head dropping down to your neck every now and then to suck a hickey at your favorite spots your hands would grab at his knees as you whimper and giggle. “quit it, they’re finally escaping”. He'd quietly pout and slightly rut his hips up against you visibly hard.

{2:49 am}

Your eyes meet your boyfriends and grab at his hand that's hitching up your inner thigh, yours visibly smaller “Should we play some-” he smashed his lips against yours, your first actual kiss of the night “fuck I know we said we wouldn't do anything, but shit you look so good, sound so good, need to fuck my babies in you, make you mine forever” he grabbed at your neck and slid it down to your arm, manhandling you under him.

You could only submit to him, knowing this would have happened by the end of the “night”.

“Can’t believe I spent so many Sundays without you, felt so wrong, I’ve missed you so much” he'd moan against your lips grabbing at your thighs and aggressively pushing them up as he grinds against you, whimpers slipping out of you “missed you so much more” you’d whisper mind going elsewhere remembering exactly why you spent so many night away from each other’s grasp.

“Let me fuck away all that nonsense,only have you think about this cock” as if he could read your mind “please”.

And just like that he’d do exactly what he said.

[cowboybarzy]

you’re losing me — mat barzal

ok so I definitely impulse wrote this after listening to the song one too many times! (still listening to it, still sobbing about it) definitely check it out although it may be a bit hard to find haha taylor pls just release it

spoiler: this is a HEA bc I am incapable of writing/reading sad endings. my life sucks enough, my fictional world doesn’t need to either lol so not all aspects of the song are used/it’s not exactly the same as the song, it’s just inspired by it

word count: 3.9k warning: angsty, with hea

"I need a break."

"From what?"

"Us."

—————————

When you started dating your boyfriend Mat seven years ago you thought you were going to get married. Even with his busy schedule he was the most attentive, caring, and loving boyfriend you could have ever dreamed of. When he moved to New York, of course you were extremely happy for him. Playing in the NHL had been his dream since he was a kid, so you were very supportive, but you couldn't help but feel heartbroken over him moving across the country and leaving you. But ever since the day he landed in the city, he begged you to come live with him and eventually he convinced you. You transferred university to one in New York, lived in the dorms for a couple of years until Mat and you got an apartment together. You finished your undergraduate degree, then started and finished your masters. Mat had always been just as supportive of you as you of him. He made living away from your family easy. He made living easy. Date nights in all shapes and forms, luxurious vacations, and just him making you happy with all of his little quirks. Your relationship was something straight out of a movie. It was perfect. Until it wasn't.

You don't know when things began to change in your relationship, nothing really caused it, but one day you started feeling unhappy. Mat changed. Or maybe you did. But you weren't the same two people you once were. When you came home from work, you got a 'hello' and a kiss but the passion behind his eyes were gone. He barely asked you about your day anymore or told you about his. Just enough before you fell back into silence. You didn't used to mind the silence. Sitting comfortably in silence was a sign you truly felt at peace with a person, but when the silence got uncomfortable for you, you knew something was wrong. The amount of times you two went out alone decreased to the point where you could count on one hand the amount of dates you had been on in the past two months.

He just stopped making an effort and any effort you put into the relationship was rejected or gone unnoticed. Like making him dinner or doing his laundry and him not at least thanking you for it.

His love language was most definitely touch, but even that had slipped away day after day. He kissed you in the mornings, at night, and when either of you got home, but the spontaneous make out sessions or random quickies throughout the day were basically nonexistent anymore. You had sex after his games or when he got home from a roadie, but somehow that had started to feel like an effort.

You missed the old Mat that always had some part of his body touching yours. At dinner, sitting next to each other, he usually intertwined his pinky with yours, only breaking to use his knife. Or he always held your hand or had an arms wrapped around you when you were out of the house, like he was afraid to lose you. That stopped and now you were the one afraid that you had lost him.

You had just gotten too comfortable with each other. You knew each other so well you could anticipate what the other would say or feel that you didn't need to tell each other anymore. You still wanted to that, you were still interested in what he had to say, in hearing his voice, but after countless efforts being rejected, it was easier to say nothing.

The worst part was that you couldn't even blame his schedule and just wait for the season to end. It hadn't changed. You had made it work that past few years before, even with you being busy with school, so why now? You were starting to question your self worth, because what else could it be?

The last few months had been hell for you, silently and lonely suffering. Because every time you brought up the subject of your relationship, he said everything was fine and that we'd just hit a little rut that would resolve itself.

You wanted to believe him so badly. You wanted to believe that everything would be okay. You didn't want to throw the last seven years away. You had worked so hard to be here. You had experienced so much together, made so many memories. Was it really worth throwing it all away?

But you were sick of waiting for it to stop. Sick of your efforts being lost. Sick of Mat not seeming to care. You hit your breaking point.

And that's how you found yourself on the verge of tears standing in front of Mat in your kitchen in which you had made so many beautiful memories. "I just can't sit around waiting for you do something anymore. I gave you so many chances for you to do something, say something, risk something for me, but you did nothing. You're losing me, Mat, you don't even seem to care."

He blinked. A blank expression on his face. Just like the last few months. Some part of you wasn't surprised, the other ripped your heart into shreds.

"I just– I need a break."

"From what?," he finally asked, already knowing the answer.

"From us." A tiny, very tiny, weight lifted off you when you said it out loud. You had been wanted to say it for months and although you weren't happy about the situation, you were proud of yourself that you did. "I'm going back to Seattle for a few months. I just need space from you right now."

"When? For how long?" That's probably the most he'd asked about you in a while.

"I haven't booked a flight yet, but probably tomorrow." He nodded, pressing his lips together. "At least until the end of your season. Until you have some free time to figure out if you still love me or not." You lips were shaking, tears threatening to flow freely. You didn't want to say it, but a part of you felt bitter.

"(Y/n)–"

"No!," you stopped him. You couldn't hear it. "If you tell me you love me right now I'll stay. And this wasn't an easy decision but a necessary one. I'm weak for you, Mat. I'd do anything for you, but I don't feel that from you. So, please, just stop. I made up my mind. This has to happen. Maybe in a few months we can work it out, but right now I need space."

He gave you another nod then turned around and left. You heard him rustling around in your bedroom and a few minutes later your front door slammed shut. He was gone. A part of you was angry at him for not putting up a fight, but then again you had asked him not to. But just once, you wanted him not to listen to you and tell and show you how he felt. You guessed you had your answer.

The next few months were rough for you. A different kind than the few months before, but still difficult. You missed Mat terribly. Countless of times you came close to booking a flight back home to New York and burying your face in his chest. But it wasn't your turn this time. He had to fight for you.

But you missed him nonetheless. You had almost called him when Anthony got traded just a couple weeks after you left, but you didn't. Then again when not shortly after he got hurt in a game against Boston. You wanted, but you didn't. Not until he did. But he never did.

It took a while, but you started to be able to breath again. You got a small job at a café, since you took a leave of absence from your big girl job in New York and still needed some money. You made some new friends, most of your old ones having moved away or gotten too out of touch with, and developed a new daily routine. You started feeling better, but the whole inside you was reserved for only Mat to fix and would probably take years to mend if he didn't make a move soon.

Weeks, then months went by and not a single word from Mat. You couldn't even see him on TV for his games (which you still watched) since he was injured and his social media was a bust too. Your friends and his teammates (also your friends) checked in every once in a while, asking how you were and telling you how miserable Mat was. But unless you saw that for yourself, you couldn't really believe it.

Then, by some miracle the Islanders made it to the playoffs and Mat was scheduled to be back to playing. You tuned in, but almost had to turn it back off when you saw his face. His beautiful face that you loved to kiss and touch and simply just look at. Now though, it was riddled with frown marks, dark under eye circles and his unshaven scruff that took you years to like. He fought more on the ice, too. He rarely took penalties for righting but during these next few games he collected them like trophies. He was short and snippy in his post game interviews, again, something usually unlike him. He was miserable, you could tell. But then why had he not made an effort to get you back? Had you pushed him too far away when you left him? Was that the wrong thing to do?

You fought with yourself day and night. You wanted to go back to him and fight for him, but then you remembered that you did. You did fight for him countless of times. In your head you used to screamed at him to do something, say something, risk something, but he never did. So stayed put, waiting for his season to end and see what he would do.

A couple weeks later, your parents were out for dinner, you were home watching a movie with a big glass of wine when the doorbell rang. You didn't feel like answering, but who rang the doorbell after six pm? Your ex boyfriend who just showed up without a warning from across the country did. Or current boyfriend?

He stood there, outside your door with his grown out hair, unshaven beard, and sad look on his face. You started at him, processing. He was here.

"Mat? What–"

"No! It's my turn to talk now! (Y/n), you left. You just fucking left me without a warning." When you opened your mouth to protest, he held up his hand silencing you. "I know, I probably should have seen it coming, but you left! That hurt like hell."

He rubbed his face with his hands, also combing through his hairs before he went on. "I don't know what happened. I swear. I felt something change, yeah, but I just got comfortable. I didn't fall out of love with you. Never. And I'm sorry. I just assumed you felt the same and I shouldn't have. I should have checked in more. I'm sorry for taking for granted what I had. You. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I totally understand if you're done with me, because no one should take you for granted. (Y/n), I love you and the way you care for people, for me. You light up any room you walk in, you make everyone smile, you're– god, you're so so beautiful."

He took a deep breath, fighting his tears. You had given up holding them back pretty much the second you opened the door. "What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry. I've been such a jerk and I realize that and take full responsibility. These past few months have been hell for me without you there. Our apartment feels so cold without you. But it gave me some time to think about everything I fucked up and everything I will do better if you're willing to take me back. Please take me back, (y/n), I don't know how to live without you." He shook his head and tears away, collecting himself. "No, wait. I came here to apologize and give you time to decide whether you'll forgive me. The 'I want you back' speech will come later. If you'll hear it."

You were speechless. All these months, even before you left, that's what you had been hoping and begging for to hear. Why couldn't you speak? Or move?

Moments passed with the two of you just staring at each other. Mat hesitated to say more, but he couldn't read your face. Did you want to hear more or slap him in the face and tell him to leave? "Alright, uhm, I'm gonna go. Don't really know where, but I'm sure there's a hotel open around here." He got ahold of the suitcase next to him. "Uhm. I guess, text me? Or call? Whenever you're ready."

He waited a few more seconds for you to move, but when you didn't he slowly turned around and walked out of your driveway. Seeing his back turned, him walking away from you again when he had just come back made you snap out of it. "Maty!"

You sobbed running up to him and into his arms that had opened for you the second you yelled his name. You buried your face in the crook of his shoulder, inhaling his scent while you clung to him. He held onto you just as desperately. His hand I'm your hair at the back of your head, the other around your waist holding you tight to his body. You felt like home again after months and months of searching for it. You heart expanded and pounded swiftly for him and him alone.

"Fuck, baby, I missed you so much." He had let you down, but now both of his hands held your cheeks as he looked at you. He dropped his forehead against yours. "I'm so sorry."

You weren't ready to forgive him just yet, but you were so ready for him to kiss you. "Kiss me." And boy, did he. His mouth attacked yours with that intoxicating passion you had missed so much. Your tongues danced their dance without a hitch as he claimed you as his again.

You must have stood out there for minutes before breaking apart and coming up for air. You pulled him into the house, you had given your neighbors enough of a show. You settled on the couch, but put a pillow in between the two of you so you could talk things out before you did something you'd regret. That didn't stop him though from reaching his hand out to you. First, he took your hand then let it wander up to your face. "Come back home with me," he whispered. His sad green eyes were begging, too, a look that was very hard to resist.

"I want to," you whispered back, your voice starting to shake with emotion again. "But I can't just go back like nothing happened. Mat, those few months were extremely painful for me, I can't just ignore that. I'm so happy you realized it now, but I need to see some action. Your words, as happy as I am to hear them, aren't going to fix it alone."

He nodded, then dropped his forehead against yours. "I'm sorry. I'll fix this. I promise."

"We'll fix this. I don't want to throw us away, I want to work on this, but we need to do it slowly."

He nodded again and brushed his lips against your nose. "I have to go back to New York tomorrow. I have a few meetings and exit interviews and stuff, but after that I can come back here or you come back and I'll live with Wally or something for a while so we can work on this."

You nodded and threw the pillow separating you to the floor. You'll hash out the details later, but right now you just needed his big, warm hug. You sat like this for hours, not saying much, just enjoying each others company after you had been away from each other for so long.

The next day, he really did leave to go back to New York but he came back just a few days later. He stayed at a hotel, which did feel weird, but it was for the best. You needed to trust him again and doing it slowly would result in the best outcome. You spent a few hours together every day, catching up and talking about your plans to rebuild your relationship. At the end of the day, he'd bring you home and kiss you for a few minutes, then leave. Every time you wanted to run after him and go with him, but you could already feel the hole in your heart fixing itself, so you didn't and just trusted the process.

The day you told him you were ready to come back to New York was one you'd never forget. He spun you around in the middle of the park you had decided to have lunch at and kissed you like nobody was watching. It felt good, like the beginning again.

You celebrated his birthday a few days later and the day after he left to go visit his family in Vancouver for a few days while you tied up some loose ends here in Seattle. You'd meet back in New York in your apartment.

After an exhausting cross country flight, you were surprised Mat had sent an Uber to pick you from the airport instead of picking you up himself. But when you finally walked through your apartment door and the lights were off except for a few lamps and candles that you had carefully collected over the last few years, you knew why.

Mat, dressed nicely, stood in the middle of your living room surrounded by flowers and lit candles. Little Polaroids and pictures of the two of you were laying across the floor and furniture as well. You approached him slowly, taking his outstretched hand until you stood directly in front of him. His other hand slid into his pants pocket and pulled out a small red velvet box.

"I promise I'm not doing this out of desperation to get you back. I've had this ring since last year. I've been thinking about doing this for a long time. I've just been waiting for the right moment. I didn't want to propose during the season because I wanted to celebrate and do it right. And I had planned on taking you to Africa or the Maldives or somewhere more fun than our apartment but, you know... And I can't wait any longer." He smiled, then chuckled. "But, I'll still take you wherever you want to go."

"Maldives sound good." Why that was the only thing you were answering to you weren't sure, but with a chuckle he kept going.

"Good. And that probably also means you're not going to say no to my next question, but I'll ask anyway." He lowered down in front you onto one knee with his hand still holding onto your left. "(Y/n), for the past seven years, there is not one second that I haven't loved you. I know I haven't always shown that, but I promise you that won't happen again. You are the most important thing in the world to me and I promise there won't be another day where you will question that ever again. There's no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's you, babe, it's always been you. Will you marry me?"

You dropped down to your knees and grabbed his face to kiss him. "Yes," you repeated over and over again between kisses that tasted salty due to the tears running down your face. He got emotional, too, when he finally slid the ring on your finger. It was exactly the one you wanted and had dreamed of getting your entire life. It was perfect and so was he.

And he did keep his promise. Now and every single day there after.

*******

a few years later

"... the end."

"Again!"

"No, it's bed time now, honey."

"No! No sleep! One more book." Your three year old son jumped from your lap and dove towards the bookshelf to pick out another book to read. You checked your phone to see if your husband would be home any minute and in fact he would be, so you agreed to one more book.

"There you guys are." The door opened and Mat walked in with a big smile on his face.

"Daddy!" Your son, again, jumped from your lap into his fathers arms.

"Hi, buddy. I missed you." They hugged dramatically while your son told him all about his morning. Mat eventually put him down and took the couple steps need to get to you.

"Hi, princess. I missed you, too." He picked up your almost one year old daughter, who was also sitting in your lap, and hugged and kissed just as dramatically as he did with your son. Her sleepy eyes lit up with excitement and she filled the room with adorable baby giggles.

"What about me?," you pouted as you stood up.

"You have no idea." His arm wrapped around your shoulder and his lips gently touched yours, but with two children demanding your attention, the kiss was kept short.

You all hung out in the room for a bit, catching up on what Mat had missed while he was away for the last few days on his hockey road trip. Then you put your kids to bed, although putting an exited toddler to bed was no easy task, but eventually he did fall asleep.

"Hi," Mat whispered after you finally closed your sons bedroom door. You turned to face him and his messy hair made you smile. He aged like fine wine and you were thankful every day that he was yours.

"Hey." His hands took ahold of you and slowly pushed you against the hallway wall.

"I missed you," he whispered against your lips before claiming them. His hands roamed your body to find all the places to squeeze and touch while shoving his tongue in your mouth for an amazing kiss. How he went from fun goofy dad to horny teenage in a matter of seconds, you didn't understand, but you also didn't mind.

"Mat, not now. It's the middle of the afternoon," you said between kisses when you could tell this was going to be more than just a make out session.

"So?" He sucked on and kissed your neck. Yeah, what was the problem?

"So? They're both asleep. Hurry up and take me to bed." He didn't need to be told twice and a second later you were up in his arms and enjoying some much needed adult time.

[cdragons]

Hey! I miss interacting with u, hope you are doing well :)

What is the song that will most describe farleighs and y/ns friendship?

Hey! This is really sweet, anon! THank you! I'm doing great, I have a ton of exams and projects with school that are kind of kicking my butt rn, but today's my birthday so I am excited to share that with my family!

This is a really tough one, mostly because I never expected this friendship to be so popular with everyone. Although I shouldn't be surprised because Farleigh Start was actually so superior in the movie.

Personally, I think these songs really fit them

Gimme More by Brittany Spears

Bad Girls by M.I.A

That's My Girl by Fifth Harmony (also works for Annabel and Y/N)

So What by P!nk

Is You or Is You Ain't My Baby by Louis Jordan and His Tympany Five (look up Marvelous Mrs. Maisel with this song and TELL me that this won't be the most amazing duet with the pair)

Let me know in the comments of your opnions!

I feel like this is a good opportunity to give off some headcanons to describe the vibes I get from Fareligh and Y/n! There are also just my personal headcanons of Farleigh and his story in my AU! I made up these with the help of my internet soulmate @ethereal-athalia!

Here are some headcanons of my personal take of Farleigh's backstory in my AU and in general:

Is it weird if I can see Fareligh coming from New Orleans, Louisiana? Because I can absolutely see him giving off those vibes. He would fit PERFECTLY as a New Yorker, but I can't help but feel he would thrive in the Crescent City.

Farleigh really misses the States, and a big part of the reason he parties so much is to forget how homesick he is. I find it very odd that we are given this extremely intelligent character who would no doubt thrive in an Ivy League like Yale, Harvard, or Brown, but he's stuck in England. James definitely could have just paid for his education there, so why send him to England? Furthermore, why does James cover him up so much? Is it really just because he's family?

Remember when Felix told Oliver that Farleigh got kicked out of every school in England bc he "sucked the teachers off"? First off, ew. Secondly, sure, Farleigh is a bit of a hedonist, but all of his behavior just kind of screams to me that he's really and genuinely unhappy in England and wants to go back. That might be a reason why he was so reluctant for Felix to get close to Y/N since Chapter 1 of 'Fuck Everything.'

Furthermore, it really bothers me how nonchalant Felix is about telling Oliver that piece of information. Even if he knows that Farleigh wouldn't really care, that is still very private information about a young boy who was taken advantage of by teachers who were in a position that allowed them to abuse their power.

Also, for a film that exposes so much about its characters, we really don't know a lot about Farleigh Start and his story, specifically his family in the States.

The part where Farleigh's mom is terrible with money and constantly needs handouts from her brother, James, is very realistic - that part, I believe. But I feel like there is a lot missing with his dad.

Was his dad actually as brutish and abusive as Felix said to Oliver? Personally, I don't really see it. Even at first glance, the way Farleigh carries himself is leagues different from the rest of the Cattons. He's observant and takes in details. He uses all this information as a weapon for any opponent he goes up against.

In my opinion, I could absolutely see Farleigh's dad being a completely normal and decent person with a job as a librarian or English professor. This idea is mostly stemmed from when Fareligh made the 'thus' argument against Oliver's essay at the beginning of the movie, and this seems like something Farleigh knows as if being explained about it from a very early age.

The reason I think his father is ill-portrayed is because I feel like Farleigh's mother met him while she was in America and was intrigued by his unassuming self and married him. But then she got bored because she wasn't living the high and expensive life she was living in England with her family.

Eventually, she got bored and decided to use Farleigh as an excuse to get money from James. Farleigh's dad might have wanted custody of his son but was threatened by his ex-wife that he would never see his son again.

Farleigh is aware of his mother's toxic tendencies, but she's his mother and he loves her anyway. He know she's leeching off of him to get to her brother. But what are his other options? Let her fend for herself?

This is probably so far-fetched and a huge reach, but the Cattons are portrayed as people who love to feed off their own sense of entitlement over others by showing of 'generous' and 'charitable' they are to take of other people. When anything bad happens to them, they wear it like a trophy. Maybe that's what happened with Farleigh?

NOW! Onto Farleigh and Reader (also ft. Michael Gavey bc he's bb):

Being around Y/N is like being at home for the first time in forever (cue Frozen song) for Farleigh. When they start talking, Y/N is extremely skeptical of his intentions because she thinks that he's just trying to help out Felix. But nope! He just wants a genuine friend.

Y/N makes it clear to Farleigh from the beginning that if he wants to be friends with her, he needs to be friends with Michael. Michael Gavey and Y/N L/N are a package deal. You want one? You get the other.

Farleigh keeps his friendship with Reader a secret from Felix and is helped by Annabel (our girl got a taste of true kindness, sees Felix Catton for the leech he is, and is now part of the Y/N protection club)

With Y/N, he doesn't feel the need to party or drink until he gets alcohol poisoning to have a good time. He learns to have quiet nights doing homework or playing stupid board games with made-up rules.

Michael and Y/N introduce him to DnD, and he's the classic Bard player who rolls for charisma and ends up f*cking his party out of danger every time. Michael is a paladin, and Y/N is a monk, in case you were wondering.

Y/N sometimes uses Farleigh to model for some of her portraits. She learns to appreciate him because she and Michael do need to be reminded sometimes that it's okay to cut loose at times and that spreading their wings won't kill them.

Y/N and Farleigh definitely geek out over art history and literature (symbolism, plot holes, motifs, etc.) and are BIG soul and blues fans. When they all hang out in Y/N's dorm, they will be listening to James Brown, Ella Fitzgerald, and Ray Charles till dawn.

Y/N is someone whom Farleigh can have actual mind-stimulating conversations with in a manner that's respectful but also wildly entertaining. They will discuss everything from rousing debates about politics and current events to philosophical queries about the omegaverse and mpreg.

Michael pretended he wasn't a fan until they caught him singing along to 'Hit the Road Jack' and they never let him forget it.

Also, Farleigh is a MAJOR Michael Gavey x Y/N fan. He wants them to get together SO BADLY! But he won't do this in a productive/uncomplicated way. Nonononono, he plans to make the most convoluted, dramatic, and needlessly complicated schemes to get these two nerds together for his own amusement. *Nudge* *Nudge* *Wink* *Wink*

Real talk though, Fareligh genuinely loves Y/N and her presence as a friend. He has all these expectations placed on him and fake friends who only want to be around him for his cousins. To be around someone who not only misses home like him but also truly appreciates him as an individual and not as a commodity for networking means the world to him.

If Y/N ever does go to Saltburn for the summer (*foreshadowing*), Farleigh will do everything in his power to make sure she won't get sucked into his relatives' fake and shallow schemes.

Also, as a bonus, he loves ranting and trash-talking Oliver with Y/N and Michael. It's like free therapy with better snacks because Michael always brings candy.

These are all the ones I can think of for now, but let me more in the comments or in my ask box if you want more! It really means so much that you guys love this AU so much!

Let me know if you want to be tagged in the comments for future Saltburn AU stuff!

"Fuck Everything, But Mostly Fuck You" Masterlist

Tagging: @ethereal-athalia, @arcielee, @valeskafics, @asa-do-your-thing, @aphroditesmoon, @axelsagewrites, @the1999kid, @poolnoodlerescuer, @aemondsbabe, @@winterblu2, @abaker74, @whereismymindnow, @agustdeeyaa, @iamavailablesstuff, @bonnieblue0606, @st-eve-barnes, @@nyxthoughtss, @immyowndefender, @@ilovemydinoboi, @ahristata, @cxp1d, @jinsoulorbitzen12, @temptation-waits, @bollzinurmouth, @jcngw0ns, @seababehh, @destinydestnation, @lankyboi4, @mindless-rock, @cassavacake, @paradisepoison, @@pansexualpamandabear, @erikasurfer, @@lissamans, @cookielovesbook-akie, @thesmutconnoisseur, @izzyisstuff, @lariisouz, @mioshasworld, @themorriganisamonster, @bre99, @babypinkditto

[frecklystars]

I’m in the hospital but I’m gonna be ok + I’ll be going home in a couple of hours. I’m sorry if I worried anyone. I have had the worst year and a half of my life and it is very obvious I am not handling it well

I put a lot of pressure on myself to try to enjoy today specifically because I think I unconsciously told myself that if I couldn’t enjoy today, I could not possibly enjoy any day; if I cannot feel good with these f/os who mean so much to me, then that must mean I can’t feel good with any f/os, that it is proof I am incapable of healing unless if I am able to feel good self shipping and celebrating an f/o anniversary today for the first time in two years.

But that wasn’t what made me spiral so badly— what drove me to make such an impulsive drastic decision that led me into being injured + at the hospital was just, my ptsd and the situation I’ve been stuck in has been so. fucking. vile. It has been extremely difficult for me to feel safe IRL, as well as with self shipping, which is awful because self shipping has always been my strongest coping mechanism for a little over twenty years. Not having self shipping feel the same for the last year and a half has been so hard, and I still haven’t found any other coping mechanism as effective (affective??) I find it difficult to feel joy anymore bc my ptsd/anxiety has been flaring up so much it has made my depression astronomically worse.

which is what today was supposed to be for, I am supposed to be celebrating the fact that I found two f/os who made me feel safe again for the first time one year ago and breathed some life back into me to help me self ship again. But i never feel 100% safe. I never really feel fully loved or like I am able to relax with any of my f/os because my trauma feels like it’s done too much damage. I grieve the special interest I lost every day, i grieve the 200+ tf f/os that I was conditioned to believe would harm me. Besides tf, I have still lost so much due to trauma. Songs, colors, certain clothes, certain phrases, certain animals, characters, there’s so many triggers. I don’t go a day without getting triggered by something and then getting angry with myself for being triggered, beating myself up for being traumatized. Then I feel utterly heartbroken that this happened to me. Then I get angry again because this all should never have happened to me. It’s like, the moment I’m triggered I start snowballing, and I cannot find the off switch. I don’t know how people are able to turn off their emotions. I can’t function.

I don’t go a day without a flashback or a nightmare reliving everything that happened to me, that is still happening to me. I am always crying over the things I’ve lost and I really don’t think I am able to go back to the person I used to be. I already was so unhappy before my trauma, which is why I was so reliant on self shipping my whole life, but now I’m like… just some scared, broken, jittery thing. I feel like just a shell of a person way too often and it’s so hard to not feel hopeless

I had today all planned out these last 2 months, I had a special breakfast made, I was planning a really good dinner, I was going to make a beach cake and heart cookies, I ordered flowers, etc. a ton of shit planned. I was going to go to the beach, go to the movies, customize my dolls. My favorite part of f/o anniversaries is looking back on my love notes and reblogging them. I had sooo much planned for Barbie and Ken for my blog. They’re so important bc they’re the only good thing I’ve been able to cling onto this whole year, yet I am doing so fucking badly and have barely felt anything for them for a few months now bc I’m so overwhelmed with reliving my trauma. I didn’t get to queue anything special for today. I should really be happy today but I’m not, and it’s really making me believe “ok well if I can’t feel any joy from these f/os then I can’t feel any joy with anyone ever again bc my ptsd is just too fucking bad.”

I haven’t slept *at all* in the last couple of days which obviously makes my emotional distress way worse. i could not for the life of me make today work. I wasted a lot of time and energy and money trying to feel something for my f/os when I am in the worst headspace. I don’t think it’s worth even postponing the anniversary celebration bc I just feel… absolutely nothing except dread and grief 24/7.

I don’t know what else to say. Physically I am injured and emotionally I am Not Okay, but I’m alive I guess. I didn’t want to go offline and say nothing whatsoever because then people would probably worry after seeing that last post. I am sorry if I worried anyone, I am obviously just. going thru it right now and idk when it’s gonna get better. I’m gonna try to get back into the habit of self shipping and watching movies with friends again, y’know like the saying fake it til you make it, maybe it’ll trick my brain into feeling better. I won’t go offline entirely but I am probably not gonna open any messages for a while, I’m sorry I know I haven’t opened any dms in over 4 months, it’s just been so hard and my energy levels are dead. But I make sure they’re unread/unopened so the notification is still there to remind me and I’ll be able to get back to ppl when I gather the strength. Um I don’t know what else to say. I love you.

[hellonerf]

suicide is discouraged in the workplace

im not even gonna try to be coherent here. this is not an analysis post i am braindead. if i was a better artist makima wouldve been my muse when i was deep into chainsawman. actuallt she kind of was but i pussyed out

OK everyone here can subconsciously understand this connection. dont get too hung up on makima's strong motherhood theme and i just thought about what if ame was motherly and i couldn't kill myself right aftee thinking that as i have no means to it. that was a joke its late and im just me. i decided i wasnt a fan of motherly ame though so all suicidal thoughts erased. i am really chill now

old makima fanart i drew that im trying not to rip my hairs out over thinking about it with ame. also dont worry if this makes tou find my mainblog or main accounts whatever

actually theyre really different in many ways now that im looking at these. ame is so much of a son and makima is so much of a mother its like oppsoite spectrums. but thay makes the commonalities fun actuallt. i keep thinking about the movies and makima hating bad movies. ame is not an art kid by any means does he even care of the beauty of the world? i doubt it. but he likes bad movies and he likes cheap entertainment so who knows... they'd disagree on that. well i think makima's opinion on that was pretty extreme so i think most would disagree with her really

i could imagine ame going "Chainsawman. Doesn't spit." and smoking for the first time to look cool like in movies only to pathetically cough. thats their common trait... artifice... humans... but in a way that loops back to being Really Human i guess. holds a kind of arrogance and hubris that is so associated with humanity. it cant be anything else. ame should kill himself i think he should get moments of clarity and awareness and want to kill himself rqlly bad

both concepts of control. awesome. SUICIDE IS NOT ENDORSED IN THE WRKPLACE. ame goes to protestant church once or twice and sleeps because hes useless. makima is baptised and goes to local catholic churches not the cathedrals she supports the local christians.FUCK i just remembered the country mouse city mouse thing. ame is a liar and hates everything and loves everything and never feels content. i like to imagine him as a country mouse so fucking bad i want him to chill out one day and go to those middle of nowheres i know exist in america(can i shove cana in here and get away with it). why are they in the city if they are country mice? because..... you know..... you understand..... another w for eternal unhappiness (refer to title of this post)(suicide is discouraged in the workplace)

they are evil bosses i am the employee and when i ask for a break they gaze at me with a vacant stare and smile and i know in my heart they are viewing me like i am beneath them. i get scared and run away but truth is they didnt hear my request. they do not register individual people

if they met they would know immediately and viceversa. because everyone knows subconsciously because lying is futile and everything melts away. ame:i know a toxic boymom when i see one... okay im kidding makima is a toxic boymom if u push the chainsawman in ur head 🙂 ame as a kind of control devil works inmy head. i really believe ame was a polite child but demanding in many ways. sincerely wanting.

ame:gun devil i'll give you one year of the lifespans of the american people. in exchange i want you to kill makima—that is... the control devil (i never got around to drawing this)(ame and gun devil can you imagine)

or:gun devil i'll give you one year of the lifespans of the american people. in exchange i want you to kill alfred f jones—that is... the united states of america (paradox)

throughout all this i wanted to cite the best makima artist in the world ever but i'd feel bad if they wouldn't want to be associated with evil hetalia america blog. also i want to be normal and not cringe at being cringe just becayse i think makima was a thunderstrike of genius that i shouldn't taint. ame is a more flexible character to me for obvious reasons. this is how i'd shove ame into makima's role. but u couldn't put makima as ame. only one way. im okay with that. concept idea consensus words fear control blablabla u get the point i hate using words dont care sleepy now

[vaniloqu3nce]

Yoko Headcanons Pt 2

Yoko’s parents are an extremely wealthy and notorious vampire coven from Japan. They put plenty of expectations on Yoko throughout her childhood to be perfect and uphold their family’s image.

Yoko knew she was gay from a very young age but knew her parents would never approve. She played the perfect daughter but really she was sneaking girls home, partying, generally prioritizing her own happiness once she was old enough to understand what makes her happy.

Yoko’s parents had no idea what she was up to until she was caught. She was sent to Nevermore to reform.

She did NOT reform.

Yoko flirts shamelessly, with anyone. Even Wednesday occasionally (though playfully) up until she realizes Enid has a crush, then she tries to befriend Wednesday in order to make sure she’s good for Enid.

Wednesday and Yoko actually become decent friends and bond over their in depth knowledge of old horror media.

Yoko LOVES Wednesday’s books she’s basically the number one fan after page one.

Yoko: Is your girlfriend done with chapter twenty nine yet Enid i cannot wait this long

Enid: Yoko its three am STOP TEXTING ME

Yoko and Wednesday are an awesome sarcastic duo.

Thing Enid Yoko and Wednesday have horror movie nights in which the gfs cuddle and our favorite man and Yoko criticize outfits, set design, camera angles, how realistic the blood is, and so on.

Enid is terrified so she’s mostly hiding in Wednesday’s chest while scrolling through her phone and Wednesday holds Enid the whole time and Wednesday will occasionally comment on Thing and Yoko’s conversation if she has something to add.

Wednesday: It’s not that easy to hold a severed head. They’re quite heavy.

Yoko has a lot of trouble focusing and finding interest in school, so Enid helps with homework and classwork because Yoko’s parents will kill her if her grades don’t remain perfect.

Yoko is very confident and charming when it comes to flirting with someone she has no interest in romantically pursuing. Which is basically ever girl ever.

Yoko gets very nervous and flustered when she actually likes someone. She can trip over her words (very unlike her) or just completely brain fart.

Divina: Yoko, are you listening

Yoko, who was just staring and thinking about how pretty Divina is: wha?-I mean yes absolutely.

I raise you demiromantic Yoko.

I raise you Yoko who has a hard time expressing herself emotionally because her parents didn’t allow it.

I raise you Yoko being absolutely smitten with Divina out of all people and hates herself for it because love scares her.

I raise you Divina not wanting anything with Yoko to be public because Yoko gets around and she’s not ashamed of it, and Divina is worried about her image/what people would think/her parents finding out.

I raise you Yoko for the first time in a long time realizing she wants someone forever and that terrifies her so she never makes anything official.

I raise you them both learning how to work through their fears and vulnerabilities together. Yoko teachers Divina how to prioritize her happiness instead of doing whatever her parents want and being unhappy. Divina teachers Yoko how to open up, helps her stay organized and on track in school, teaches Yoko how to keep herself organized with little neat schedules and notes.

Yoko’s love language is very physical.

I raise you Enid being the best friend possible and supporting her best friend despite Yoko hiding her relationship with Divina for some time.

I raise you Wednesday telling Yoko to get her shit together when she’s flirting with other girls because shes scared of committing to Divina.

Finally I raise you Yoko and Enid being the worst possible pair of lesbian best friends ever.

Yoko: Divina can step on my throat and id thank her

Enid: Wednesday is so pretty id let her run me over twice

[worflesbian]

in reference to prev post I joke about loving divorce on here a lot but in full sincerity t'pring and her story is a GREAT example of why I genuinely, unironically think divorce is a beautiful thing. as much as people have a right to their opinions about fictional ships and if seeing two people stick with a relationship through thick and thin appeals to you then each to their own, but in real life the idea of relationships being Work, as in the capitalist sense of a job you have to do in order to be financially secure enough to live, has historically been a major tool of the patriarchy in restricting women's freedom. divorce, especially no fault divorce, can be argued to be as crucial to women's freedom as the right to work and the right to vote. if you don't have legal recourse to end a marriage once you've entered it, and you live in a patriarchal society where your husband has more money and social standing than you, you are essentially a prisoner.

t'pring is a perfect example of this bc although I don't know if we ever find out the Vulcan stance on divorce, the fact that she isn't able to break off the engagement without having her fiance killed is pretty telling!! this story is very much of its time in the 60s and I'm glad that trek is no longer characterising the Vulcans as quite so extreme, but I also Love the way T'Pring gets to logic her way out of a situation that wouldve seen her (and Spock) trapped and unhappy for the rest of her long life.

I think that a lot of fandom attitudes reflect/magnify the wider patriarchal disdain for divorce, the whole idea of an otp and wanting your ship to be endgame isn't bad on its own but when people are aggressively against the idea they could ever split up, even amicably, it makes me wonder why the ending of a Disney movie is the ultimate romantic ideal for them. jokes about a divorced female character always characterise her as calculating, self-serving and wealthy whereas jokes about a divorced male character always show him as sad, pathetic, barely keeping himself presentable (like single men can't wash clothes for themselves) (i know many of them can't but why are you normalising this??).

although I said each to their own before, it does ring alarm bells for me when people look at a ship where the male character mistreats his love interest, and decide that they want to see them stick it out and make things work. does she have to teach him how to respect her in this vision? why does the sunk cost fallacy not apply? would you feel the same if your male blorbo was with a woman who didn't see him as a full person, or are you already writing her out to replace her with a guy?

I think it's frustrating for me to see people make the same assumptions with fiction that in reality have led women I know and love to waste months to years of their life trying to "fix" a relationship that was never functional to begin with with a man who refuses to do the bare minimum. so in conclusion, I am not being a bitch or a hater and am in fact speaking with a heart full of love and wonder at the vast spectrum of possibilities for life and relationships when I say ✨Divorce Him✨

[deadpool15]

YOUR BEAUTIFUL

Unlucky. That's all I felt when I woke up this morning. From the very beginning of my days to the very end. It's all I ever feel. I used to tell myself, "People will like you if you just be yourself. And if they don't then fuck them". That was my thought process, until I realized I am the fucking problem. No on wants to be around me or tries to get to know me, then I start to feel like 12 year old girl eating lunch in the bathroom because no one gave a shit about her.

I get up to make breakfast, only to see the eggs and pancakes sitting front there waiting for me with a note. "I'll be back in a couple of hours baby, make sure you eat. I will check before you try to lie. Love you." My girlfriend, Tatter. When I first got to Korea, I had no one and could barely speak the language until I met her. My Sun.

Flackback

"I'm literally never going to find this place. I could've sworn that nice-looking lady said, "Take a left. Now that I think about she didn't look that nice and now that's what I get for trusting old people." I start to rush around the street trying to find a bus stop, it's getting dark outside and I have no fucking clue where I am. Until I bump straight into someone, already fed up with everything I immediately go off on them.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, can't you look or see at all? I'm literally going through shit right now and everything is shit and omg fuck." I yelled out at the person without looking at them. Then I hear laughing, which pisses me off even more, and I look uo ready to fight at this point until I see her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to knock into, but I've kinda been watching you talk to yourself and have a meltdown for a minute. I thought you were crazy. " She says, trying to hide her laugh.

I'm not paying attention to anything she is saying. It's hard to focus, she's so fucking beautiful. Then I realize I'm staring, "Guess you are no help." She gives me her hand to help me up. That's right. I've been sitting on the ground staring at her for the past few minutes. So, not smooth, Kat. "I actually was going that way. You can come with me. Unless you would like to continue your conversation with yourself." I stare at her for a while again. "I'll come with you, but only because you know that way." She laughs loudly. "That's fine, I'm Tatter, by the way. I look around, confused. "That's a unique name, I'm Kat short for Kathleen." I said smiling maybe we might become friends.

Present time

Looking back is such a weird thing for me. How different I was is wild. You see, dating Tatter is amazing. It always has been until well I happened, I guess. It's like my brain has never allowed me to be happy. From being extremely insecure to unhappy, I don't know how she deals with me. The thing that bothers Tatter most is my body dysmorphia. Almost everyone I see are people she hangs with, that's skinny, beautiful, talented girls. And as much as I try to hate them, I hate that I can't ever find any flaws. Unlike me, whose flaws are so evident. I've never been skinny, I am I'm a thick girl. Some would say slim thick.

Until they see the belly, and the stretch marks all on my thighs and stomach. I try to work out, but it's hard. I mean, going to the gym is scary. All those people around me are judging my size and weight. Then Tatter is a dancer, a great one at that. She always tries to get me to show up to her classes or hang out with her friends, I know she will eventually feel like I'm blowing her off, but I'm ashamed. Ashamed of myself, my girlfriend is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and hangs out around other beautiful women. Yet her girlfriend looks like a fucking horror movie.

I've been sitting her losing track of time before I her the door open and Tatter stepping in with a bag in her hand. "Hey, bubble, I'm back. And you won't believe it while we were at the mall just window shopping. I saw the most beautiful dress. And I got it." She tells me while smiling. She is always smiling, ughh she is so fucking gorgeous it hurts. She pulls out the dress to show me. It's a long, backless dress, with a slit going down the right leg. "You seeing was literally made for you. It's pretty right? Well, it's gonna look even pretty with you in it tonight, at the crew dinner." Oo shit, crew dinner, I forgot that was tonight. It's too late to make my an excuse on the spot and bail. I just look at her nodding, "yea it's pretty."

She pushes me in the room and tells me to start getting ready. I sit there contemplating my life while staring at the dress. It's really pretty, but will it still look the same on me. I turn my hand and notice Tatter is walking around getting ready as well. She is wearing pants, a and sweater. Though it's really tight fit to her body and makes her curves pop. I paid attention to the dress again and finally decided to put it on. "OK, I mean this sint that bad. It could be worse." I tell myself until I hear my phone go off. So much for motivational pep talk. It's a notification from some random girl I don't remember following on Instagram. "Hey, her dress is similar to mine."

There it is, happening like always. I start to overthink and analyze every detail about myself. Making comparison after comparison. "We look like we're wearing two completely different things." I notice, what the fuck did I expect. She is skinny and pretty, and I'm me. I look out the bedroom door to see Tatter, happily walking apurnd the room finished with getting ready. "What am I doing? This is stupid." I walk outside the bathroom and tell her I'm ready she notices my expression and stops." What's wrong?" I just look at her. What could she possibly like about me. "Nothing, let's go." I tell her to end the conversation before it even starts. I'm not gonna fuck this up for her, I'll just hand with her crew and come home and cry about it later. It's not her fault I'm like this.

She grabs my arm as I walk out of the room. Turning me around to face her. "You look beautiful." No, no, please don't do this now. I was so close to keeping it together. "The dress was made for you, baby." I look at her with a pleading face. "Please stop, don't lie to me, I'm aware of how I look." She immediately frowns up when I start to cry. I was seriously trying to avoid this. "What are you talking about? I'm not lying. Why are you crying, baby? What happened?" I really can do this right now. " I happened, how can you stand here and tell me this fucking delusions. I look fucking disgusting, I always look nasty and hard to look at. So let's just get this over with and go see your friends, please." She grabs me and stands right behind me.

So closely, I can feel her breath on my neck. I look up, and we are facing a mirror. I try to move or pull away, but she has a firm grip on me. Keeping me in place, being forced to stare at myself. "Look, what do you see? I stare back at her. "Our reflections, what else would I see. She cuts me off before I can throw out another remark. "No, tell me what you really see. Do you want me to go first? I see the most beautiful women I've ever laid eyes on. The same woman I bumped into on that dead-end street that cursed me out for a solid 5 minutes. The same woman that lights up a room whenever she walks into it. The woman who works so hard not only takes care of others but makes sure to put everyone above herself. But most of all, I see the absolutely gorgeous curvy girl tempered girl I fell in love with the moment I walked her to the bus stop. I don't love you because of your looks baby. I smile while crying fully now, "That sounded like a backhanded ass complement Tatter", I say while slightly laughing.

"My love, will you shut up and let me finish or so help me, God? I continue laughing and gestures for her to continue. "Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I don't love you because off your looks, they are simply a bonus to the full premium package you've come with. My view of you hasn't changed since that day. You're beautiful." She tells me while kissing my shoulder and rubbing my stomach. "I love you to Tatter, so so much. You wouldn't even begin to believe." She smirks before saying, "My speech was better, but I'll let you live. "Wow, and you are an asshole." I tell her before she grabs my waist holding me. "Now let's go to that dinner, baby. I'm pretty sure Bada is ready to call the fire department to check on us."

(P.S. this is a shoutout to all my insecure girlies, including myself. Remember, you are beautiful. We were made with diversity, and that's a beautiful thing. Big, small, and midsized are just different versions of gorgeous.)

[sorenphelps]

Thanks for the tag @breathing-and-stuff & @bullets-from-another-dimension!

1. Are you named after anyone? - No.

2. When was the last time you cried? - I don't remember.

3. Do you have kids? - No.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? - Oh yes, maybe too much even.

5. What sports do you play/have you played? - Nothing, I'm really not an athletic person. I had to participate in basketball and volleyball during P.E. back in school, but that was more than a decade ago. I sort of enjoy playing badminton with friends in the summer very occasionally (i'm bad at it tho). I like playing pool (billiard) the most, I can't say I'm particularly good at it, but that's my strongest out of the typical pub sports (pool/snooker/darts/foosball).

6. What’s the first thing you notice about other people? - I tend to check their face, hair and hands, but it can be the way they walk or their voice, it really varies from person to person.

7. Scary movies or happy endings? - I don't like scary movies, but I don't mind an unhappy ending, so it's partially both?

8. Any special talents? - I can draw, duh. I was not aware that I am apparently a decent sharpshooter until I attended some company team building events where we could try multiple weapons and played paintball.

9. Where were you born? - North-East Hungary.

10. What are your hobbies? - Drawing mostly.

11. Do you have any pets? - Nope.

12. All-time fave piece of media? - It's very hard to choose, but I'd say the Ghost in the Shell - Stand Alone Complex anime series maybe.

13. Fave subject in school? - History.

14. Dream job? - I wanted to be a flight attendant for quite a while, but I am too short and I can't swim, so bummer. But I like my current job actually, despite it's very Corporate™ nature (I am an internal auditor and a risk management consultant at a Big4).

15. Eye colour? - Dark brown, which looks like the surface of Mars in extreme close-up:

I'm just back from a little vacation, so idk who filled this already, so i'm just going with an open tag!

[yuri-is-online]

Could you share some of your ideas on improving the Twilight series?

There are a few ways that we can fix Twilight, but for now let's just focus on keeping its original premise: Bella moves to Forks, meets Edward, and is swept up into a word of supernatural happenings. I'm going to go through my issues one by one and then get to some overall points, this got stupidly long for no good reason I am so sorry.

I will note that I had to google some information about what happens in the first and fourth books because I did not watch those movies and I think I might have read the first book? But don't remember anything that happened in it.

Bella's Personality

Or lack of one is getting changed immediately. Stories are driven by the actions and desires of their characters and Bella is our MC. We need her to have reasons for making the choices she does beyond "she has to do this for the plot to progress."

Bella moves to Forks because she notices that her mother seems unhappy staying at home with her and not on the road with her new husband. From this we can assign Bella as being self-sacrificing, maybe to the point of self-sabotaging. She also is very self-reliant; she doesn't think she needs help from other people, especially not those who have a degree of authority over her because she assumes their help comes from them assuming she cannot take care of herself (and maaaaybe think that she's a burden) and not from a place of love.

When Jacob expresses a dislike of Sam, Bella supports him and validates his feelings. She is extremely upset and confused when he has suddenly changed his tune later and goes to confront Sam about it. In the movie this comes off as manipulative, as it seems like Bella is only really upset that Jacob isn't 100% focused on her anymore. I hate this! It makes the story much better if Bella goes to confront Sam because she is protective of her loved ones. Edward says he is afraid of not being able to protect her several times and she always responds with "then I'll protect you!" She should mean that! Let her be the over protective friend who will throw hands!!!

The one thing I do remember about the first book is an off hand remark about how "special and not like other girls" Bella was because she had already read Jane Austen for fun and that made her only able to relate to old people (something I had just gotten done doing which was probably why I stopped reading the book because middle school Yuri felt very insecure) and she also seems to like Shakespeare. But the books never seem to do anything with that, and it was pretty much the law in the early 2000s that your YA heroine needed to be into classic lit so it is a sort of basic trait. But it is still a trait, so Bella likes classic lit.

One of the things people unironically like about Twilight is how Stephanie Myer portrayed depression. Bella seems to be struggling from some pretty severe issues with her self-esteem and self-worth. She wants to be a vampire because she thinks it will fix her issues with herself; she's afraid of growing old and not being desirable to her partner which is sadly a very common fear people have so it makes her relatable which is good for the protag of a novel... but

If you are going to cover topics like self-loathing and depression we need to have a think about how to handle those topics responsibly which I don't think the og Twilight series does... for now let's just keep in mind that depression and self esteem are themes we should keep for Bella's personal character arc.

The Parents

Bella refers to both of her parents by their first names, unless she's talking to them. As someone who does this with her mother... that's not really something you do overnight or if you have an actual relationship with your parent. You can actually physically feel the gap between you, and it kind of sucks sometimes. It also explains a lot of those character traits listed above

Bella's mom sucks ass and I was surprised to find that's not as controversial of an opinion as I thought it would be. She is more invested in her relationship with her new husband than she is her daughter, Bella apparently was the primary cook, Bella keeps secrets from her mom because her mom's mental and emotional well being is extremely reliant on her, and to top it all off apparently she told Bella a bunch of intimate details about how she left her dad which IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD DO OH MY GOD. It isn't healthy for a kid to know the intimate details about the break down of their parent's marriage!!! Especially if it was messy!!! That's so damaging for a kid, it's a form of parentification where the child is forced to emotionally parent the person who is supposed to be doing the actual parenting. Charlie is a character no one seems to have any major complaints about, and that includes me: I think keeping him more or less the same works. He deeply loves his daughter and wants to have that personal relationship with her he never got to have while she was primarily living with her mother. His reactions to the things that happen in the series are completely normal and he shows the appropriate level of concern when Bella enters her depressive state after Edward breaks up with her.

The main thing I would change about how the parents are portrayed has to do with the break up between Edward and Bella in book 2. I think it was mentioned that Bella did not want to go to therapy... but given the circumstances: major depressive episode, night terrors, potentially abusive relationship, all after a major life change (the move to Forks) it would make sense to me for Bella and Charlie to go to a family therapist together before Bella goes to individual sessions. The breakdown of her parent's marriage, her mom's parentification of her, and her lack of real relationship with either parent is something I would want to see addressed and it's realistic for family therapy to be suggested with all those factors I mentioned. Bella doesn't need to have a fully mended relationship with her dad by the end of the series, but it would make the story a lot better if by connecting with him through family therapy she decides to trust him enough to tell him about Edward being a vampire and Jacob being a werewolf.

The Cullens

I have watched one episode of Vampire Diaries, so the concept of a why a bunch of vampire's would want to go back to highschool isn't too much of a concern for me.  Using it as a way to re-learn what society is like makes sense… but that needs to be the stated reason and not vaguely implied.  It also makes more sense to me if Rosalie and Emmet don't attend the highschool and instead pretend to be college students who live with Emmet's parents.  Japser, Alice, and Edward are enough to work with, adding more characters to do nothing with doesn't actually help the flow of the story. And oh god does a lot of nothing happen in the actual series.

The overall concept for their characters doesn't bother me too too much.  They're vampires who abstain from human blood and are empowered by not succumbing to their thirst, that's a pretty basic plot line and more importantly it gives us a conflict to work with.  Everyone thinks the sparkles are dumb, so instead let's just go with the Dracula thing where they can't use their powers during the day.  Since the Cullens are supposed to be stronger due to their lack of preying on humans, maybe they can use their powers but not as effectively? Alice still gets visions for example, but Edward has trouble telling whose thoughts are whose, Jasper can't always get a frim grip on people's emotions, Emmet isn't as strong, and Rosalie sort of just looks tired as opposed to beautiful. 

The Volturi

They are the oldest vampire coven and potentially the largest. Again don't have much of a problem with this or wouldn't rather if they had some fucking character. I had to google Aro's name. He's one of their leaders and the only one who I felt was actually acting in the whole movie and I had to google his goddamn name. Also I am only going to mention this once and I am only going to talk about it here but:

Stephanie Myer is a Mormon and as a result her world building is very Mormon. Did you know Aro has a wife? I didn't, but pretty much every major character in the series is married and lives with their "children" and their children's spouses. Which is a fine way to live if you aren't weird about it but I don't trust these people aren't.

Anyway all of this section is to stay that they Volturi can more or less stay the same as they are already, but the rules they've established for vampire kind need to be introduced to the reader (and their existence) almost immediately instead of in book 2.

The Werewolves

The biggest thing I would change about the werewolves is the bit about them being "awakened" by the presence of vampires.  I think it makes more sense if the wolves just awaken when they feel a strong need to protect their family period, the presence of vampires just makes the process speed up a whole lot because of the tribe's history.  I also think it makes sense for the Pack to be viewed as sort of protectors of the land and the people from supernatural threats by humans who are aware, and for this to be sort of emphasized with Charlie's relationship with Jacob's dad and grandfather. 

I mentioned that I would have Bella and Charlie connect after going to family therapy, but now that I think about it, I would also have Charlie know about the werewolf pack before Bella tells him.  He leaves the supernatural policing to them and focuses on the human crimes, that way he's able to focus his resources and protect his people better.  Maybe he comes to Bella first and admits he's been lying to her and lays out what he knows and that's what gets her to open up about Edward being a vampire.

Misc.

From what I have managed to piece together, the main "plot" of twilight is that Bella and Edward meet, they stare into each other's eyes a whole bunch and realize one has good smelling blood and the other is a vampire. Edward introduces Bella to his coven and some other vampires show up??? And want to eat Bella??? And then they run away and oh no. The evil vampires have found them again and try to eat Bella and then Edward kills him but leaves his wife alive so the rest of the books are just a girlboss trying to get revenge on Edward by killing his partner. Until the last book when the Volturi show up angry because Bella isn't a vampire yet and has given birth to a half vampire and while I am on that last point: no half vampire baby, we are throwing out that whole ass plot point. I think people sometimes go overboard in assuming Mormon creators make everything about their fiction Mormon but there is nothing more fundamentalist than immediately getting married and having kids at 18. It doesn't need to happen, we can just re-write that whole book. Ok? Ok.

This is probably where most of the variations in how to fix the series come in tbh. Is it just a romance series? Do you want supernatural adventures? What are the stakes? Do we address the abusive undertones to Bella and Edward's relationship and make it a plot point or do we try to fix Edward? The original series doesn't have much going on in it... except for one thing which I want to bring up now.  If you like the idea of Twilight (vampire romance set in a small town where supernatural stuff happens) I would highly recommend playing the Wayhaven Chronicles by Misha Jenkins.  Because she also has a protagonist with special blood that is enticing to vampires and blocks their powers… but in her interactive fiction series she explains it as being a natural mutation humans have evolved to protect themselves from supernaturals.  Their blood also empowers all supernaturals, not just vampires.  Both of these ideas are ones I like, but since the only creatures we are working with in Twilight are Vamps and Werewolves, let's keep Bella's blood to only effecting vampires.

For my part, the more I have thought about Edward's character, he doesn't seem like he's mature enough to be in a relationship. He clearly has some unaddressed traumas about his vampirism that are getting in the way of him making friends let alone a girlfriend, so for my "fixed" series he isn't Bella's endgame.

Anyway here are some more specific bullet points idk:

Book 1

James the tracker gets introduced before the actual vampire reveal happens.  He tracks and attacks Bella, Edward protects her, and they start hanging out more based off of a mutual attraction fueled by Bella's desire to be needed and Edward's desire to preserve what he perceives to be as a pure human soul.

Alice becomes Bella's first real good friend and encourages her to explore things that interest her.  Bella starts taking care of her appearance a bit more, not in a "oh good she wears make up now" way but in a way where she buys clothes because she likes them and not because her mom would approve of them and remembers to brush her hair.

Jacob is introduced and Bella thinks of him as friend, it's clear she sees him as still a kid and doesn't take him seriously.  This bothers him, but we don't find out why in this book.

Edward tells Bella that James isn't something she should worry about any more, but that is a lie.  He has been attempting to protect Bella on his own, with some help from Emmet and Rosalie on occasion, but he feels a personal responsibility to keep James away from Alice and Bella. (Alice apparently was turned by James or something? Anyway this should be a bonding point for Alice and Bella)

He still breaks in to watch her sleep and all that shit and Bella rationalizes this, even claiming to be flattered as all she's ever really wanted is to be cared about and this feels like someone cares.

But then she gets a call from James threatening her mother and because Bella sees herself as her mom's protector she runs straight into that trap.

Blah blah blah Edward has to drain poison from Bella, they officially start dating.

Book 2

Bella's birthday.  She doesn't like being the center of attention or birthdays in general and no one really seems to get this.  Her dad asks if she wants a cake or something and promises not to buy candles, and since Bella likes cake she agrees if he promises not to sing.

Her friends at school wish her happy birthday except for Jacob who gives her his present "just because."  It's clear to Edward that Jacob is someone she cares about and this makes him jealous because he cannot stand seeing her interact happily with someone else.

Alice has planned a birthday party for Bella and is extremely excited to officially introduce her to the rest of the family, even though she has already met them, since she knows how much Edward likes Bella and she's rooting for him.

Blah blah blah, cut happens, Jasper freaks, Carslie talks a bit with Bella, and then oof

Edward dumps Bella in the middle of the woods the next day and she doesn't take it well. Speaking of which this pissed me off so fucking much "oh uwu I can't be with u because I am worried about how fragile u are and I'll huuuurt you" *proceeds to break up with her in the middle of the fucking woods where she can easily get lost and die*

Depressive episode like normal

Bella realizes she can still see Edward if she is about to do something dangerous and still goes to find those motorbikes and take them to Jacob.

Bella's human friends don't really get as much of a focus even though they are there, so I'd like to bring them back here for a moment.  Maybe the pink one encourages Bella to go see a therapist after Bella brushes off her dad's suggestion because she's been thinking about the risk seeking behavior and is worried she encouraged it.  She also admits to seeing a therapist herself and this surprises Bella, who decides maybe it couldn't really hurt.

As Bella talks with Jacob she says something about him being a kid and he gets offended by this, heavily hinting at maybe him liking her

But, as opposed to Edward who always brushed off Bella's offer of protection, when talking about Sam Jacob reacts positively to Bella's offer of help and makes the same promise. "You watch my back I'll watch yours."

Cliff diving scene stays but like it's not done on a whim, Bella gets a group together of kids from the highschool maybe? No weird movie date scene because that was cringe.

Anyway Edward thinks she dies, Alice comes for a visit, werewolf Jake freaks but trusts Bella when she says she will be fine and says he trusts her.

The book ends with Bella bargaining for the Cullen's freedom from the Volturi by agreeing to become a vampire, initially she offers to allow Aro or whatever the fuck to turn her but Alice intervenes and offers to do it herself. They set a date for after her graduation, and are warned of grave consequences if they do not comply.

Edward and Bella do not get back together at the end of the book.

Book 3

Bella and Alice are back to being besties.  While Bella is not back together with Edward, but she is not dating Jacob either.  She is attempting to maintain a friendship with both but it's not really working, as Jacob can tell she's keeping some sort of secret from him.

This secret being her impending turning, and the general theme of people trying to convince her that she doesn't need to do this remains.

There is a real focus on the lack of choice most of the Cullens had with becoming vampires and how that has affected them, with a heavy emphasis placed on Edward. 

Edward and Carlisle have a long talk. Carlisle talks about the concept of soulmates and how he always hoped Edward would find his, but admits he maybe placed too much of an emphasis on that instead of actually addressing the problems he was having in the hopes that love would fix him.

Since this is my post, I think Aro should be a sort of character foil to Edward. Ed doesn't want Bella to become a vampire even though she would (allegedly) make a very powerful one, while Aro should be obsessed with making Bella into a vampire because of her blood. I would also make it so that Aro's "wife" was once like Bella, with the same good smelling blood, and directly contrast Aro's sense of ownership over her with how Edward had been thinking about Bella.

This terrifies Edward who also has a deep talk with Bella and apologizes, and while Bella accepts it they still don't get back together because-

Bella always had more chemistry with Jacob anyway. They share interests and hobbies, they like talking with each other, Jake is someone she is good friends with and someone she really is going to miss when she dies and becomes a vampire.

Idc let the plot with the newborn army remain, but like make the talk about imprinting actually mean something. Maybe Jacob has already imprinted on Bella but he's keeping that shit to himself because he doesn't want to pressure her.

Maybe it all comes out while he's wounded and Bella finally tells him about what she has agreed to do.

And then the book ends with them both agreeing they don't want that to happen

There's a book 4?

So I have no idea what goes on in the end of the Twilight series.

There's a war?

But not actually because it was just a vision Alice had?

Um I think there is potential for some sort of actual battle between the Volturi, other vampire covens, and the werewolves.

Apparently according to the wiki Aro's wife is locked in a tower somewhere in a trance because he killed her sister? And she was upset about that?

Uhhhh maybe they decide to use that to spark some in fighting between the Volturi

Jacob and Bella can get married at the sensible age of like 25 in the epilogue

And Edward gets with someone else idk. Maybe one of the newborns from Vicky's army who he goes on a healing journey with.

meh that's what I've got. I still like the idea of Bella being into catching beetles and moths and that's why she's ok with being in the woods a whole lot but that's not super important.

I think it should sort of low key freak both Edward and Jacob out. But that's just my opinion~

[rottenbrainstuff]

IWTV s2 ep4 - a lot of thoughts before the plot comes sweeping in

(I am delighted to report that my daughter watching the show finished the end of season 2 and was extremely emotionally compromised by it, and I can now send her all the Rockstar Lestat and devil’s minion memes I've been saving up.)

This is the obligatory plotty setup before the really cool shit hits the fan (ep 5 withYoung Daniel which I have been itching to watch for weeks and weeks) but this is still a good ep, it's all good eps, this show is so good.

Did I ever talk about how cool I think the vampire plays are? Like, unironically, I think the way they use animation and projection is really fucking cool. I want to research and see if this was based on anything that was actually a thing in avant garde theatre. If it was, that's really neat and I'm a bit grumpy that we didn't look at it in the film/animation class I took, and if it wasn't, then wow that's a really cool and smart thing they made up for this show? I know Claudia is not having a good time, but I love her play, it's so fucked up and weird.

Madeline. Ok you assholes. Before I watched the show, I'd seen a little bit of discourse about her in the tags, and the way you guys were talking, I thought she was going to be a nazi sympathizer that was helping out the nazis while they were in Paris or something, honest to god. Imagine my surprise to learn that the whole deal is, she slept with one single german soldier one single time. And it appears that's it, that's all. (if there's more later on, I take back this entire paragraph and apologize) THIS is where the discourse comes from? You know what, I don't like you guys. I don't like you as a person. I don't like how you boil the complicated issues that happen in life down to binary "good/bad" categories. You seem to understand that gender and sexuality can be a spectrum but you don't seem to be able to apply that understanding to a single other thing. (why is that?) Life and people are complicated and messy and if you require everything to be categorized into good and bad because you can't deal with that uncomfortable unclear area in between, let me give you this warning right the fuck now, kiddo: you are going to be deeply, deeply unhappy older adults, either lying to yourself constantly in order to fit your worldview into your narrow binary, or else wondering why, after cutting out everything "bad", you have nothing and no one left. Also, I think this story in general is not for you (and I don't want it to be either). This is a story where all the bad people are compelling and all the protagonists do awful things and everything is complicated and sad and a thorough exploration of the borders of humanity, and crossing that border. If you want something with clear and comfortable morality, go watch cartoons (although it seems people even have a hard time with that these days) and leave this beautiful story and its complex characters alone.

Anyways I love Madeline, I love how the war and her life experiences have made her blunt and unflinching, how her and Claudia flirt by insulting each other, it's so weirdly charming and honest. If you haven't read the book or seen the old movie, Madeline is a very different character, really barely a character at all. Instead of a kindred spirit / lover, Madeline connects with Claudia because she has lost a daughter and thinks she can replace that with Claudia, and Claudia recognizes (being five fucking years old in the books) that she needs someone to help her out, if Louis is going to leave her for Armand, and this woman will probably always be loyal to her and never leave her behind. It's definitely an interesting idea, this vampire mom and daughter, and the mom is actually the fledgling and the daughter is actually the older one, and it's kind of sad as well, Claudia seeking out a mother figure she has been missing... but Madeline is not an interesting character, barely a footnote, and I actually remember very little about her at all. So this is great and I love her a lot.

This show is doing such a good job of taking things from the books and changing them, reinterpreting them, and updating them. I continue to really dislike Bruce and Antoinette. Compared to the other characters, they feel so, so flat and pointless. I wish they had taken this first draft story and pretended that this was the book, and they looked at these two characters and thought ok what spin can we put on it to make it more interesting?

So, Armand is a terrible character, dangerous and manipulative, but damn he's so sad too, they all are. He's so.... pathetic. He's very old and very powerful and very good at what he does, sure, but he's also this hauntingly sad lonely boy who has never had anyone want him for anything besides his body, he loves so intensely and obsessively and can't understand why no one loves him back the same way. He's so strong and powerful, can control people so easily, and he takes Louis to this museum to show him this painting and he flays himself wide open to show to Louis, pleading for him to understand, so vulnerable and simple. This 500 year old eldritch horror that's just... this is my sad backstory, please love me? Armand was always my favourite character from the books, and this show does SUCH a good job with him, and Assad is absolutely amazing, absolutely perfect.

So this is the ep where Lestat eats the photo. So. I had seen clips of this, a lot. It was one of the things that made me go "what the fuck is even happening in this show, I need to watch this". Even so, I was unprepared for the context of how the clip exists in the ep, which is.... there IS no context. There's... just... I... I dunno, I thought it would... I thought... there would be something happening, I thought there would be some explanation, but like lmao... Louis... he doesn't even REACT, it's just...

You know, you're having a conversation with the comfort hallucination of your ex soulmate, as one does, and you know, you're talking about your photographs, and you know, he just, eats one. He eats it. Munches right on it. Louis doesn't even SAY anything or acknowledge this is happening! Yeah he's eating a photo, he just does that sometimes. No biggie. Lmao. Somehow that makes it even funnier????? Aw man. Laughed so hard.

It's interesting how important this comfort hallucination has become to Louis, it really is like a companion, so much so that he feels he has to formally break up with it. (the physical effect of the dissolving in the rain... dunno if that quite worked for me, but I liked the idea behind the scene and as always they succeeded in cutting my heart out) Makes me sad. Poor lonely Louis. Poor lonely everyone.

I know that Santiago is only being nice to Claudia to trick her into revealing more information, but man. I want to imagine an alternate universe where circumstances are different and they end up being wicked snarky besties. There's just something about their interactions that I love, some kind of camaraderie, some kind of common wavelength. If Santiago wasn't jealous and trying to plot Louis' downfall, I feel like he and Claudia could have got on. Dunno. Maybe I'm wrong. I do love Santiago though, like I love all the characters. I love how he's visibly the oldest but apparently the youngest in vampire terms, (an interesting flip of Claudia's situation?) I love the fucked-up situation with his sire dead / in torpor and the corpse / ashes / whatever kept in the basement, I love how we don't get it explicitly explained how he feels about this, obviously he feels a great big pile of SOMETHING about it but we are left to decide what exaclty that is, I love his nasty bitter jealousy towards Louis for taking Armand's attention and Claudia for taking the audience's attention. Chef's kiss, just like everything in this show.

Anyways. Perfection as always, and now I have ep 5 to watch, yay!

[notafunkiller]

Any one comes at my girl Flo over Annabelle I’m not holding back I saw the body shaming and I was livid these are the same people who talk about Annabelle as if she were nothing more than incubator to say what? That she’s the love of his life? Sorry no fans of a celebrity couple who actually can see how in love they are act like this lmao so that just shows they know that seb and Annabelle aren’t in love the constant rumors after pointing out how unhappy he looks with her compared to anyone else is pathetic. It’s one thing to like a celebrity couple but let’s be real they don’t even actually like her because if they did they would show up for her projects (I know someone will bring up how her movie went number one but the reviews don’t match the views 🤣) she’s been in the industry for about as long as Sebastian has and her only mark is the men she’s linked too which shippers show again they only like her because she’s linked to Sebastian shippers with how they act are also to blame for her kind of not being liked people see how they act because of her and it’s like oh these are her fans? She must act like that too. But they aren’t her fans they just like her so they self project their fantasies onto her she’s a self insert for them which is why when any argument is said about why Annabelle is liked they scream jealousy because they are the ones actually jealous of her but kiss her ass but you are right they show exactly what kind of people they are Margo and ale got the absolute worst hate because why? Sebastian was happy and showed they made him happy. He showed he was in love and now he’s distanced himself from his fandom which i completely understand why. Let them take this burn book to him. Shippers have went to extremes to try and prove Annabelle is the love of his life and when it ends they will not know what to do with themselves. The next girl I really send my sympathies to because the level of hate she will get will be so bad. Especially when she’s seen out with Sebastian and he makes it known he’s in love and happy which is the complete opposite of how he acts with Annabelle. Pr is always going to be in Hollywood. All singers and actors do it. While some looks more genuine like when Sebastian was papped taking flowers to daisy that was pr would have done it anyway? Yes that’s who he is. He’s a sweet guy which he’s known for but that instance was used for him and for Daisy because that was for her nomination for the golden globes I believe and I would also like to say bragging about a length of relationship doesn’t show commit and or how love a couple is and two years really isn’t that long tbh “it’s his longest relationship” and that means what exactly? All shipper’s arguments show is they have never been in a serious relationship tbh and don’t even get me started on how they have acted towards other fans and even leaking Sebastian’s damn address to prove a point this fan war over trying to prove Annabelle is important to him when he hasn’t even shown that is so gross I’m disgusted and ashamed to say I was ever part of this fandom

THIS!!! Gosh, this, thank you for writing this!

I have the same opinions and I wanna add that they say: longest relationship = serious as you said, but she was with pine for what? 5 years.

Also, he and his friends actually defended Ale and Margarita. So if he wanted to defend AW, he'd find an indirect way how.

I really feel like I am not alone & "paranoid" at all after reading your message.

[dave-cobb]

LUCY LAVERICK HIRSCH, 5/10/40 - 7/11/24 My mother, Lucy Laverick Hirsch has passed away at 84. I was in the ER with her when she left us.

She developed extreme Osteoarthritis in her hips and shoulders and had been having mobility issues for the last six years, including a spinal compression fracture. These issues accelerated over last two years with her being unable to walk more than a short distance or stand without discomfort. On Friday, June 27th she woke in severe pain, unable to stand up or walk at all, and went to the ER who evaluated her physical condition and transferred her into a skilled nursing facility.

She was there for two weeks, with no change in her mobility. While her memory had been declining the last few years, it had been getting noticeably worse the last few months, with a sharp decrease in her mental acuity while in the skilled nursing facility. In the last few days, she’d also been fighting some sort of rapid chest infection, which is what ultimately made her body shut down completely on Thursday, July 11th 2024 at 12:44pm; she was heavily sedated and sleeping when her body finally succumbed.

Her passing was a release to her, definitly a burden lifted — it happened quickly, without pain or prolonged suffering.

Per Lucy’s wishes, there will be no memorial service. In lieu of flowers or condolences, we hope that her passing can shed light on and help de-stigmatize Borderline Personality Disorder — a mental health diagnosis that Lucy sadly rejected and unfortunately never sought treatment for. I truly believe she would have been happier had she been able to seek help. You can make a donation in her name to Emotions Matter, a non-profit resource for families impacted by BPD: https://emotionsmatterbpd.org

____________

Upon her passing, my feelings about her are, to say the least, complicated. Any grief I have about losing her was processed a long time ago, alongside a decade of therapy trying to understand and accept a mental illness that she denied and never sought treatment for. While I had managed to establish a boundary that enabled me to have a functional relationship with her, she was never the mother I wanted or needed. I have a lot of anger and resentment about her decades of emotional abuse; that’s not to mention her decades of serious financial irresponsibility as well, which was a burden to both of her husbands, and ultimately me. She had pushed pretty much everyone in her family away, spent all of her money, and I was the last man standing.

I’ve pushed through years of painful therapy to really understand that her behavior was largely beyond her control and came from a place of fear and deep depression. She was a very unhappy woman, who took out her unhappiness on the people closest to her, while putting on a happy, likable face to the rest of the world.

Jason and I have spent the past seven years trying to make sure she was safe and comfortable amidst her limited mobility, even amongst constant, ongoing patterns of gaslighting and lashing out. I had resigned myself over the last few years to hold both truths: that my feelings for her involve a lot of pain, and that she’s also a human being to whom I can offer grace and dignity as she passes.

It’s been awkward when people console me during all of this — I’m not particularly sad, and I feel pangs of guilt when people expect me to be sad. It’s too complicated to fill in all the blanks with people, so I am trying to be gracious. But it weighs on me.

She was completely sedated with her in the ER for about four hours. Hilarious side note: I put on a movie on the hospital room TV to pass the time until she was gone, thinking I picked something light and innocuous and dumb with A DOG’S PURPOSE — which was absolutely the wrong choice and I was a total sobbing mess but for all the wrong reasons? Forced catharsis perhaps? Regardless, the stupid dog movie helped.

Eventually I started softly whispering to her, “it’s okay, you can let go now, don’t be scared.” I gasped as I literally watched her vitals start to drop slowly as I kept talking to her softly and gently, encouraging her to move on. “You can let go now. It’s time.”

I even joked with her, “and you know, you were a total pain in the ass.”

I don’t believe in an afterlife — so I don’t mourn her loss, but instead mourn that she had a lifetime of pain and confusion. I mourn that I never truly had an authentic mother-son relationship, but rather had to craft myself into a theoretical “good son” version of me that fit her mercurial needs. I mourn not really having positive family memories with her, but only ongoing drama and heartache that, as the “good son”, I often had to placate and soothe.

As I kept speaking to her softly and watched her vitals nearing zero, I said “I hope you can find peace.”

I truly hope that my mother actually heard me and somehow found peace when she passed.

I know I finally have.

[ancelineonline]

Ive been listening to selected arcs of Unprepared Casters with my 12 year old and it’s been fun time. We’re listen to Arc 11 Off the Rails right now and again I am simply overwhelmed by how I love the Train Gang so goddamn much. They are my little darlings and I love them.

Also, on the ré-listen I do catch things that I didn’t necessarily notice the first time, or things that feel so much more significant now that I know the ending. That’s one of the things I love about revisiting different books, movies, podcasts, etc.

Today I am appreciating Atelut and their character development over the arc. Dillin just did such a fantastic job with her. We’re on episode 3 and just listened to the bit where Atelut, Rian, and Chet are having a bit of a team cementing and Chet and Rian are quite bluntly being like « we are so fucked, this is bad, Albion is going to kill us, the boss called you that means things are going to be so bad. » (They have absolutely correctly assessed the situation.) And Atelut is just absolutely fucking cruising down the river of denial. And then Rian asks her if she’s happy.

And the thing that stands out in their response is that she says « I’m successful » not « yes » and in fact weasels their way very hard around to avoid admitting that she is extremely unhappy. Because she is, it’s glaringly obvious.

But by the end of the arc (and also the follow up three shot), it’s clear that Atelut has reached a point where she actually is happy, at least most of the time. Obviously shit still happens because that is life, especially in a story, but there’s clearly been a change in their attitude.

My kids interrupted me while I was drafting this post so I sort of lost exactly what I was trying to say but to summarize: I love the difference between Beginning-of-Arc!Atelut whose devotion to the train and the company is slowly killing her, and End-of-Arc!Atelut whose devotion is bringing her new life and new purpose and joy. I love it so much.

[beeden96]

Coraline as a Buddhist parable

Last night while I was writing down the Four Noble Truths with a brush pen in my sketchbook (I do stuff like that sometimes), my roommate put on the movie Coraline. This was entirely coincidental but I was struck by how much the themes of the movie relate to everything I've been learning recently about the core teachings of Buddhism.

There is a concept in Buddhism called "right view." It is the first practice in the Eightfold Path. I think of this as referring to a person's understanding and perception of reality. When a person does not see the true nature of reality, they are vulnerable to illusions and delusions, which cause cravings and excessive attachments.

The Other Mother in Coraline has buttons for eyes, and she sews buttons into the eyes of other people who she lures into her illusory reality. She literally lacks "right view," and she tries to force other people to share her distorted view. She craves, and clings, and she wants other people to cling to her, so she offers them the things they crave. She controls others because she is so attached to them.

The moment when all of this hit me was at the end of the movie, when the Other Mother screams, "Don't leave me! Don't leave me! I'll die without you!"

The reason it hit me is because I suddenly saw myself in her. I think a lot of people live like this without realizing it. I am one of those people, or at least I have been. This "I'll die without you!" sentiment can be applied to any kind of addiction. The "You" could be food, it could be alcohol, it could be sex, it could be attention from others, etc. The sentiment behind the Other Mother's words can be related to any pattern of compulsive thought or behavior. But in this movie, and in my own life, that theme most often plays out in relationships with other people. Codependence is a key word to describe the pattern, at least the way I understand it.

I'm trying to develop the inner strength and acceptance of reality, to move beyond that way of existing. It is really painful to live like that. And I found myself feeling sad for the Other Mother, who is trapped in a world (resulting at least in part from her lack of "right view") where she never has enough, is never satisfied, and is never happy. Things change, and everything is impermanent, so clinging and controlling is only ever going to end in heartbreak.

There is a concept in Buddhism of the hungry ghost. They are ghosts who are stuck in a state of constant craving and dissatisfaction, and they can be extremely destructive as a result. I think that the Other Mother is a perfect, almost textbook example of a hungry ghost. I mean, she would literally consume children because she was craving their love so much.

The word "love" here is interesting to me. The cat in Coraline says that the Other Mother loves Coraline and wants to be loved in return. But the word love in this context indicates an unhealthy, all-consuming obsession, rather than mutual respect and care. A really helpful and succinct explanation is actually right in the book (which the movie is based on). Neil Gaiman writes: "It was true. The other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money, or a dragon loves its gold."

Now, turning my attention to Coraline herself: I see this movie as a story about how Coraline developed "right view" after undergoing a process of reckoning with her previous approach to life. She was unable to accept reality as it was. She was unhappy, and craved a different life with different parents and different friends and different material possessions. She wanted more. And in this way, she was very like the Other Mother.

As a storytelling device, the Other Mother is useful. Characters are useful for illustrating dynamics of growth and change over the course of a narrative. But I think that ultimately, the Other Mother was inside of Coraline, and a part of her. Just as she had been a part of all the other people living in that house who were dissatisfied with their lives. She is a symbol of the attachments and cravings that all people have, taken to their extreme but logical conclusion.

In the first part of the movie, Coraline resists change. She has just moved to a new place, and she has not accepted her new reality. She has trouble connecting with the people around her, who are either overworked and exhausted (her parents), or who she barely knows at all. Because her material and social conditions are not acceptable to her, and she does not yet have "right view," she develops cravings. She lives out those cravings in the fantasy world inhabited by the Other Mother.

Sometime in the early to middle part of the movie, Coraline goes to a shop with her Mom and asks for some colorful knitted gloves. She wants them because nobody else will have them and she thinks they look pretty and interesting. Her Mom says no. This makes Coraline angry, and causes her to go even deeper into the world inhabited by the Other Mother, because that is a world in which she believes her desires can be fulfilled.

Over time, she begins to understand that the Other Mother (this dissatisfied aspect of herself) is not a good person to hang around, and that her perspective on life is warped. She begins to see the dangers of living in delusion, and clinging to sense pleasures. She becomes a firsthand witness to the instability and violence this way of living can create.

So she lets go. She lets go of her expectations, she lets go of her cravings, and instead she decides to honor her love for her parents, which is based in mutual care, rather than obsession and excessive catering to desires. It is only once she lets go of any attachment to an outcome, that she begins to receive the things she originally wanted. Love, care, attention, and even some nice physical items. Her Mom gives her the gloves she wanted as a surprise gift. But now, she is wise enough to appreciate these things for what they are. She can be happy and present in the moment, appreciating the little things while they last.

[escarlatafox]

Okay now from the POV of STANNING CHARACTERS… (kfp4 spoilers)

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So first off. My condolences to Tigress fans + people who are big fans of the Furious Five. And I mean – the Furious Five are were (?! 😭) core cast members, they’re great and fun characters, so I can absolutely understand the outrage of them just not being there AT ALL. In fact… idk their absence is weird in that it does feel less like kung fu panda without them. I take the view that what Matters is the movie being good, so if you have a movie that’s good, you can get away with certain characters* not being there if they wouldn’t serve an otherwise good plot. You can’t really say that’s the case with this movie though, because its pacing etc had much to be desired. So… yeah. You kicked them out but then the movie still wasn’t even good?? 😭And they didn’t even get a little scene they got nothing!! 😭No speaking scene I mean!

*Certain characters when I’m not completely obsessed with them (LOL). Because I, like anyone, am BIASED, my point here is that’s the “objective” take, but subjectively it absolutely sucks when your personal fave isn’t there so I really do sympathise. If shifu wasn’t in the fourth movie at all, I, too, would be extremely upset and furious. So fans of the Five have every right to be personally unhappy with their absence. For example if Shifu was absent from a Good kfp movie because he wouldn’t contribute to the Good plot, “objectively” that makes sense from a writing pov. Subjectively, I would still be personally unhappy with it.

ANYWAY. So now for analysis/discussion from a more character-focused pov/being biased in terms of my focus!

I mean, Shifu’s my fave, put him onscreen and don’t completely mess it up and there’s a good chance I’m just happy to see him again. And I was pleased to see him again. Ahah… What can I say? I’m a shifu fan… XD

Anyway. He’s SO not having a fun time dhsdjhsdsd I’m. god. Still getting my thoughts together about this. I have sorrrrt of mixed feelings/am of two worlds.

I did really enjoy his scenes. He’s actually kind of a mess honestly omggg. It kinda took me by surprise and I was actually very amused. I can’t help it he’s why I’m here LOL.

So like yes on the one hand I absolutely did accept and enjoy his scenes. On the other hand I was a bit surprised because… Well. Movies 1-3 did seem to have him on a clear trajectory of getting better and becoming more chill. He’s very Not Chill in this. You could make an argument that the whole “Oogway choosing Po as his spiritual successor” is a/the major issue that’s set back his progress in this movie, is why he’s clearly Not Fine (however much he might claim otherwise ckjdjkdsjk), etc. Because he only gets hit with that knowledge/information at the end of movie 3. The whole fact that he’s been kind of “overlooked” by Oogway (or at least, kind of skipped over technically…) and is now technically “surpassed” by Po, etc etc.

However, the above is all Watsonian analysis. From a Doylist point of view, I doooo think he has been Flanderised a bit. Feels like he’s just kind of been stuck/shoved into the box/role of grumpy “least-zen zen master” without much room to move about. It does feel like he had a lot more room/leeway before with his character/characterisation than he seems to have now…? And idk how to feel about it. Because like… I still really enjoyed his scenes in this movie, I loved it. So I don’t actually have any personal issues/complaints with it, I guess I do just feel like it can be “overdone”, if he really is thoroughly boxed-in like this. If his character has been simplified down/exaggerated… There are potential concerns with that but like, again. I loved him in this movie.

I mean I guess it just comes down to some mixed feelings on my end. Because I was getting this sense of “okay this kind of seems like… a bit overdone on the characterisation. But at the same time… I still love this characterisation” dhsdhjas? Hmmm. Still mulling over it. But I had fun! On an analytical level, I recognised that this movie had flaws, and that Shifu’s characterisation can be symptomatic of an overall downgrading of writing quality/handling of the characters in general. On the level of Being A Fan, I am a little baby being mesmerised by car keys being jangled in front of me.

It's also just kind of Funny to learn just how badly he’s doing. I thought he was Fine I really overestimated how well-adjusted he was at this point sdhsajksdakjsad god I. Mixed thoughts but I truly did love his scenes for the most part. Oughhh.

The fact that he’s now officially confirmed/clarified In Canon that he’s a red panda is hilarious. It took them four movies to do it. It’s been MANY years. But people having no clue what kind of animal he is over and over again, piggybacking off that… Man I loved it.

Hhhhhh yeah. Gonna keep mulling it over.

& I did feel catered to as a Shifu fan, by virtue of the fact that He Was There (I am the baby looking at the jangling car keys). So like, that would have affected my overall experience of the movie As A Whole in ways too! Because you can’t completely separate subjective from "objective". The movie itself could be lackluster but I could still be like “yesss Shifu” if I enjoy his individual scenes, etc. So tbh I had a great time, if only for that. I wanted to see him again and I did, LOL.

And like idk, if I fine-tooth-comb comparison his characterisation in previous installments vs this one, maybe I will come up with discrepancies or whatnot, and I guess one of my concerns is like, even if I was totally fine with how he was written in this movie, it raises concerns about how he might be portrayed in any future media, etc, so I’m just kinda wary? Idk. But tbh I had fun. That’s what matters.