#i’ll leave the rest up to interpretation bc i kinda made it without thinking

[blvrrykat]

art i made about being a crazy person.

alt txt included; sorry if its hard to interpret

copied from instagram:

art i made for a contest about mental health! this piece is a personal exploration on my ocd, dissociative issues, and autism, and how they influence my identity, gender, and personhood. i often feel like i’m sorting through a very messy web of compulsions and thoughts that is simultaneously completely incomprehensible and somehow more clear than my own sense of self. the rest of it is sorta up for interpretation as i let my subconscious create without forcing some sort of concrete meaning. this was a super fun experimental piece to make and i’m rly proud of how it came out! :]

[faithinthefuture28]

Larry songs timeline & what it tells us about the evolution of their relationship

**These are all just my interpretations but the more I listen to the music they wrote, the more it all fits together. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THROUGHOUT THE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WRITING “AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY” AND “FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE”

I deffo missed some songs but these stood out to me:

2013

L-Strong: Love isn’t easy (waves trying to break it) but what we have means something and it’s worth fighting for. read: love is only for the brave (Think of how much love that’s been wasted...there’s nothing i’m running from...i don’t care, I’m not scared of love) And we bring out the best in each other so lets not throw this away (i’d do anything to save it...when i’m not with you i’m weaker). 

H-Happily: I want to fight for us too bc we’re on fire and our love is powerful af. ik we have to do stunts and stuff (and if (s)he feels my traces in your hair, sorry love but I don’t really care) but what we have is insane and fuck everyone else bc you’re MINE and i’m YOURS at the end of the day (i wanna be the one who holds you when you sleep). Together, we’re magic so just be with me so happily

H-Something Great: ****this song is very straightforward so i won’t explain it much***** (i want you here with me like how i pictured it so i dont have to keep imagining... We’re better off together here tonight). Written as a longing for what could be if they dont have to suppress the relationship. (script was written...want to rip it all to shreds) Louis’ response (you’re all I want so much it’s hurting) basically says “it’s not too much to ask babe, i want it too.” This has the kind of longing that ‘wouldn’t it be nice- beach boys’ which Harry has admitted is kind of a theme song. 

L-Through the Dark: I know all this bs we’re going through is taking a toll on you and hurts you and i hate seeing you upset (you tell me that your sad...you tell me that you’re hurt and youre in pain and i can see your head is held in shame...i just wanna see you smile again) but I will do everything physically possible to protect you from any pain bb (i’d never let you fall and break your heart, if u wanna cry or fall apart, i’ll be there to hold ya). We’re going through this together and I will take on any responsibility needed to keep you happy.  I’M WILLING TO GO THROUGH HELL TO FIGHT FOR US HARRY LOVE (entire chorus basically).

L-Better than Words: holy fuck our love is amazing can’t even describe it can i just sing to you foreva love u babycakes

L-Why don’t we go there: what if...we just forgot about the world and escaped and enjoyed each others love and rode the high??? Also sex

2014

L-Ready to Run: *******Followup to Why Don’t We Go There*********** But this time let’s escape for real bc (there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time). Like i’m ready to get out of here and it could just be us living happily ever after (this time i’m ready to run). Honestly nothing else makes sense (without you i’ll never make it out alive...wherever you are is the place i belong). I know what i want out of life and IT’S YOU HARREH (i want to be free and i wanna be yours, i will never look back). 

L-Steal My Girl: all u thirsty hoes find someone else bc Harry is MY pretty princess. Srsly ask his family. But you can still admire how he looks in those jeans. We all do. You know the ones

L-No Control: boy u fine, let’s do what lovers do IN THE MORNING. bc we can. also you own me and i am urs

L-Clouds: WE KNEW THIS WAS GONNA BE HARD SO WHY ARE YOU BEING A LITTLE BITCH (you dont like it complicated...but love is never ever simple...you are tired of all the changes, but love is always always changing). We could be great yo, just keep fighting (if we’re never coming back down, we’ll looking down on the clouds...we go and we go and we dont stop)

H-Where do Broken Hearts Go: IM SORRY LOU BABY YOURE EVERYTHING (rest of my crimes dont come close the look on your face when i let you go... the taste of your lips...is at the top of the list of things i want). H&L’s call and  response at the end is basically forgiveness and acknowledgment (come on baby come and get me out, come on baby cuz i need you now)

H-Two Ghosts: *****was written around this time according to Harry******. This is fucking hard yo. We’re drained and exhausted and idk how much more we can fight for this... (it’s not you and it’s not me...sounds like something that i used to feel). That infatuation and electricity and hope that fueled our younger selves isn’t really there anymore and i’m just tired man (we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, we’re not who we used to be...this was all we used to need). We’re empty vessels going through the motions (same eyes blue, couple more tattoos). AND WE AREN’T FUCKING COMMUNICATING (we dont say what we really mean). 

2015

H&L-Perfect: so what if... we get rid of the pressure of forever? What if we just have fun doing the stupid shit we love and makes us feel alive (trouble up in hotel rooms, secret little rendezvous, things you know that we shouldn’t do). Like we won’t be out of each others’ lives, I’m still around and we can find comfort in each other and even mess around here and there (I can be the one you love from time to time). Remember how we used to be young and EXCITED (when i first saw you from across the room, i could tell that you were curious) let’s get that energy back without the responsiblity of an adult relationship. And we can keep making art lmao (if youre looking for someone to write your breakup songs about). 

L-Long Way Down *****this song fkn hurts man. It’s overlooked a lot but shows so much insight**** We were...everything. And maybe that’s the problem? We’ve been through so fucking much, more than anyone our age should have to endure. (We've been in fire, Went down in the flames. We sailed the ocean And drowned in the waves. Built a cathedral But we never prayed) We didn’t know what we had. We were damn kids man. We weren’t prepared for all this. We didn’t know how powerful this would be. We didn’t know what it required of us. (We had a mountain But took it for granted. We had it all yeah. Who could’ve planned it). We didn’t know what to do with it, how to deal with it, so here we are. (We had a spaceship But we couldn't land it) We’re each other’s everything, but we can’t keep going on like this babe. (We found an island But we got stranded). I don’t want to leave you but being together is breaking us down. (Point of no return and now It's just too late to turn around) We thought we were untouchable. That love conquers all. Maybe, we were wrong. This is gonna hurt like a bitch (We built it up so high and now I'm fallin', it’s a long way down)

H-Olivia: I LIVE FOR YOU, I LONG FOR YOU, I LOVE YA. And i think i’ll always love ya. And I’m scared...of life without you (i get the feeling you’re walking out, time is irrelevant when i’ve not been seeing you, the consequences are falling now, there’s something i’m having nightmares about...dont let me go). But maybe just maybe thats okay, because you’re AIMH (you live in my imagination...i love you, it’s all i do). 

L-Love you Goodbye: I fucking love you and I’ll always fucking love you but i think this is the right thing to do even though it feels so wrong (i know there’s nothing i can do to change it, but is there something that can be negotiated?) We made some goddamn fireworks together though (unforgettable together held the whole world in our hands) and do ya maybe think...we can make them just once more? (if tomorrow you wont be mine, let me give it to you one last time, baby let me love you goodbye...one more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we’ve been and the nights we’ve had because if this is it, then at least we could end it riiiiight). ********in the interview with our FAVE Gwen Garcia, she asked if it’s better to say goodbye and end a relationship that’s not feeling right or keep trying even if your heart’s not in it. Harry responds with “I think it’s better to say goodbye...but sometimes if youre trying to protect..” Then Louis cuts him off and says “you’re going deep aren’t you”, brushing the question off as a joke but imho i think there was pain in that answer. Then Harry continues “if you’re not 100% in it, I think it’s better for both parties if you say goodbye”. And Louis adds a “yeah” at the end.********

H-Walking in the Wind: I know this is scary but i think we can do it, (you said to me do you believe i’ll be too far? if youre lost just look for me you’ll find me) I think because youre AIMH and i’m always in yours, it’ll be good for us. And look at us being mature, we’re killing it babe. We can live our separate lives and grow on our own. We dont need to make it messy and hurtful. We’re on the same page. (the fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we’ve already won. A necessity for apologies between you and me, baby there is none). At this point, we’re kinda part of each other right? So it’s healthy for us to be apart for a bit. (it’s not the end, i’ll see your face again... i know we’ll be alright...just close your eyes and see i’ll be by your side any time you need me). And you’ve helped me grow into the person I am, and I you, so that’s cool as hell, right? (you will find me in places that we’ve never been). We had a TON of fun (we had some good times didnt we) so i feel okay that we’re doing this (goodbyes are bittersweet) and starting the next adventure in our lives. 

H-If I could fly: I. am. yours. Louis. William. Tomlinson. (for your eyes only, i’ll show you my heart). Maybe this growth thing isn’t worth it, let me prove to you how much you mean to me (i think i might give up everything just ask me to). This is gonna be hard as shit because i’m so dependent on you (i’m missing half of me when we’re apart). I’m being honest and I’m being scared and I’m being vulnerable because I can’t lie to you and pretend I’m strong (i let my guard down, right now i’m completely defenseless). But we’re part of each other, right? (i could feel your heart inside of mine). I’ll always be here for you Lou (for when you’re lonely and forget who you are) even if for now we can’t physically be together. 

L-Home: I’ve tried, Harry. I’ve tried to play pretend (told myself i kind of like her but there was something missin in her eyes). But i was lost (i was stumblin, lookin in the dark with an empty heart) because none of it was enough, none of it was YOU (it was there i sawr it in your eyes). And then i met you and you felt the same and we’re both lost souls playing pretend who found magic in each other (but you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough?) Is our love enough to overcome everything? Maybe we can be enough. Maybe I can make this enough, let me try to make it enough for you. And if we go our separate ways, know that I’m here for you no matter what. I won’t let you be lost again. (When you’re lost I’ll find a way and I’ll be your light, you will never feel like you’re alone, I’ll make this feel like home). So go. wander. find yourself. Then when you’re ready, come home. 

 2016-2017

H- Sweet Creature: ***Harry admit that this was the first song he wrote for the album**** We aren’t in the best place rn. We’ve been fighting (had another talk about where it’s going wrong...it’s hard when we argue, we’re both stubborn). But it’s you Louis. It can’t be anyone else. (don’t know where we’re going but we know where we belong... wherever I go, you bring me home). That’s not even a question. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, but the one thing I know is that a large part of who I am is you (we started 2 hearts in one home). And aint no way I’m losing that part of myself (when i run out of road, you bring me home). It was always you. 

H-MMITH: Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready (just let me know i’ll be at the door,  hoping you’ll come around). I know I need to work on myself a little more (i gotta get better, and maybe we’ll work it out) but honestly i’m getting impatient and i want things to go back to how they were and i want to be yours again (once you go without it, nothing else would do). But I can’t communicate this to you clearly so let me just put this in a song and hope you get it (we dont talk about it, it’s something we dont do) ****Harry mentioned in an interview that he expresses himself through songwriting when he can’t say the words directly to a person because it’s easier to just write it in a song than have difficult conversations*****

H-ESNY: ****honestly no idea what this song is about but it’s something to do with them fighting and not communicating and being in a weird place before their relationship is rekindled******* edit: this could be about his stepdad

H-FTDT: I MISS YOU AND I’M TOO FULL OF PRIDE TO TELL YOU DIRECTLY JUST COME BACK INTO LIFE LOU I’M LONELY AND SAD AND EMPTY AND IM NOT FUCKING FINDING MYSELF LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD (woke up alone, played with myself where were you...we havent spoke since you went away, why wont you ever say what you wanna say) So until then I sit and wait for your sorry ass to make the first move (maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too...but you never do). Also like i have to hear from other people how you are?? (i saw your friend that you know from work, he said that you feel just fine) ANd you’re sharing OUR clothes with people?? wtf just swallow your pride and call me 

L-Miss You: OKAY BUT I CANT JUST CALL YOU BECAUSE I HAVE PRIDE TOO also my mates are trying to make me get over you (now i’m asking my friends how to say I’m sorry, they say lad give it ttime there’s no need to worry, and we can’t even be on the phone now). So i’m just numbing your absence with partying and drinks but CLEARLY ITS NOT WORKING (should be laughing but there’s something wrong...shit maybe i miss you...when i feel it coming up i just throw it all away, get another few shots cuz it doesn’t matter anyway...such a good time, i’ll believe it this time). This is weird bc like you were my everything but im trying to get used to this and it fucking sux (oh how shit changes, we were in love, now we’re strangers). And tbh, its scary af bc what if this is it (i’m asking myself, is it over?). BUT ALSO LIKE WTF U COULD REACH OUT FIRST YA KNOW (i’ve been checking my phone all evening).

H-Anna: wtf Louis how do you not see how much this is killing me. I miss you so much and seeing you on tv or in pics drives me wild bc you’re not mine. (I don’t want your sympathy but you don’t know what you do to me...everytime I see your face there’s only so much I can take...I guess it would be nice if I can touch your body). And idk if you’re replacing me (don’t know where you’re laying, just know it’s not with me) and we’re in SUCH a weird place rn how do I tell u you’re the loml (don’t know what I’d say if I passed you on the street...don’t know what I’d tell you if you asked me for the truth) so I refuse to put this song on the album and let you know this and give you satisfaction from knowing how gone I still am for you bc I have 0 idea how you feel (hope you never see this and know that it’s for you)

L-Always You: SO THIS IS ME SWALLOWING MY PRIDE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU SAYING IM SORRY FOR THAT NIGHT... ok but fr i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u and nothing else compares like i can travel the whole world and all i think about is how much more fun it was with you and the memories we shared and i wish i could just say thx fr th mmrs and move on but actually no thx actually fuck you for making me not able to enjoy my life without you. So like...come home? and wrap your legs around me? also lmao i took El to a gay bar in amsterdam for her bday lmao i miss u come cuddle me and i’ll tell you all about it

L-We Made It: looks like we made it, look how far we’ve come my baby. They saidd I bett they’ll never make it, but just look at us holding onn, we’re still togetherr, still going stronggg. Also to the fans, miss our single bed and the nights we talked about our dreams :-* also Andrew my man luv u

2018-2019

L-KMM: our love was youthful and exhilarating and fucking electric and i think it still can be. dont know what i’d do without you now H 

L-DLIBYH: We’re strong babe and we’ve grown and we aren’t gonna let life drag us down. I’m doing better, you’re doing better, this is what we wanted. And now any shit we go through, we’ll go through TOGETHER 

L-Too Young: Okay but looking back, that was a lot of shit we went through and we were just babies and i’m sorry for not fighting harder (i cant believe i gave in to the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off cuz i didnt know no better) baby i tried, i tried to protect you but like it was just so much and i hate that you got hurt and i wont ever let that happen again. ALso go us for being mature and COMMUNICATING (face to face at the kitchen table, we can finally have a conversation that I wish we could’ve had before). ANd i know you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry so here let ME say i’m sorry that i hurt you darling. Like we were too young to know we had everything BUT now we’re old(er) and can realize that when we’re together, we DO have everything now and omg is this our happily ever after and we can have a daughter and name her Darcy 

L-Habit: do i need to spell it out for you iiiiii aaaaaaaaammmmmmm sssssssoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. But tbh i let you go because it felt right because mentally you were already out the door and i needed to give you room to grow babe. And i needed the space too (you gave me the time and the space i was out of control and i’m sorry i let you down). but like also i’ve learned i can’t escape you Styles. You’re always in my fucking heart and my fucking mind and in every essence of my being and somehow I knew that 9 years ago and it took me this long to realize how powerful this really is (guess that that i know what i already knew, i was better with you and i miss you now). Ooooh also my favorite line i wrote (took some time cuz i ran out of energy of playing someone I heard I’m supposed to be and honestly i dont have to choose anymore) like who am i kidding, im done pretending i just wanna be yoursss now

L-Defenseless: I can’t help it okay theres something about you that doesn’t let me stay away. I need you and I know that rekindling this relationship isn’t going to be easy even though it feels so so right. It’s going to be hard work (sleeping on our problems but we’ll solved them in our dreams, wake up early morning and it’s still under the sheets) and we need to communicate and solve our problems but here I am, raw and unfiltered and emotionally naked in front of you ready to lay it all on the table (not sure how to say this right, got so much to lose. NEver been so defenseless). So like this branch I’m reach out to you and you be honest with me too babe (you dont have to keep on being strong for me and you. Acting like you feel no pain, you know i know you do...I can’t get inside, when you’re lost in your pride but you don’t have a thing to prove). Be open with me. Lets talk. Let’s solve problems. Lets have an adult relationship. I’m asking for a little vulnerabiltiy babe. It’s just me. Theres nothing to be scared of

L-Walls: And here you have me in my purest form. No lies, no secrets, no insecurities to hide behind. Losing you was fucking painful but i got through it. I’ve been through hell and back and I’ve fought. And without you, I grew into the person I am. And any further growing i’m doing is gonna be with you. bc it was all for you babe. and honestly i can take anything life throws at me now. I’m strong baby. I’m fucking strong and fucking brave and fucking resilient and...fucking yours. ***** wtf is the I just hope i see you one day and you’ll say to me oh oh********

H-Golden: You are the literal sun and I’m not ready. YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON (you were way too bright for me, i’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky). I’m scared to go through this alone, I need your comfort and your guidance (i can feel you take control of who i am and all i’ve ever known). But you’re scared to go through this with me bc you dont wanna get hurt and i’m too open so where tf does that leave us. ******this could be about coming out especially with the London AND NY secret shows where Harry added the lyric I’m hoping someday you’ll open*******

H-Adore You: You dont have to say you love me, you dont have to say nothing, you dont have to say you’re mine. I’d walk through fire for you. Just let me adore Lou. Like its the only thing I’ll ever do. read: Louis is a great person to just admire what he’s like. ALso I dont need anything back. I just dont want to hide my love for you anymore. I don’t need answers or promises. Just let me adore you. ********the music video is also basically a Louis appreciation post. He was the boy with the smile that the world took away from him. He found Harry lost and loved him and nurtured him and made him confident and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. But in doing so, Harry became big and unsatisfied and wanted to explore the world and was clearly interested in Hollywood and Rockstardom especially evident in his behavior 2014-2015. And Louis wasn’t about that life and didn’t want to hold him back. So he let him free. But they realized that they don’t work apart. Wherever they’re going, they’re going together, as the boy sails into the unknown following the fish. I see it as Harry’s version of “this one is a thank you for what you did for me” ************* I see it, I appreciate it, and I love you for it

H-Lights Up: ****fight with Louis. (What do you mean I’m sorry by the way) About coming out? About fame? (Step into the light, so bright sometimes) Either way, L is the guy driving the motorcycle in the video who makes H feel comfortable and safe until they get pulled over because SOMEONE wont let them love*******

H-Falling: What if i’m out, what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? Okay maybe I lied I do want you to claim me. Would me coming out of the closet make that hard for you? I CAN’T GO THROUGH AN IDENTITY CRISIS WITHOUT YOU LOU. I picked someone supportive and now I’m spoiled and I dont know how to be with myself. You want back in my life but what if I dont deserve it? (you said you cared and you missed me too...what i’m someone i dont want around). What if you’re better off without me? (i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again). I know youve been through so much shit because of me, things you’ve never even told me about and im afraid...that I wasn’t worth it. Am I being selfish? because either way, i want YOU (what if you’re someone i just want around). Does that make me a bad person? 

H-TBSL: ****Probably when they starting talking again but it was v casual and they didn’t really discuss their relationship yet*****. I MISS U BUT I WONT TELL U THAT and its nice to talk to u again i missed your voice but if u call me baby i will kill u bc that word has weight OKAY. Like i know you just call everyone babe and darling and sweetheart but baby is FOR ME and only for me when you wake up with me and cuddle me and if you think you have any right calling me baby without giving the luxury of being in a relationship with you then piss off because that shit hurts dude. (i know that you’re trying to be friends, know that you mean it...it’s hard for me to go home to be so lonely). ALso it’s not my fault i’m like this, you literally captured my heart when i was 16 like wtf do u expect (dont blame me for falling, i was just a little boy)

H-Sunflower Vol. 6: we were babies and i was so enamored by you and you’re so bright and beautiful and i want to watch you all day and make you smile and i want you to touch my hair and call me curly and i hope im not making you uncomfortable with my heart eyes but like how are you so perfect. I hope you think i’m cool, i’m really trying but like you’re SO FUNNY and charming and everyone loves you i hope im not embarassing myself. And now it’s like 8 years later and i think i can have you again and i want you so bad but i dont wanna seem too eager and im trying to have dignity and not text you first but like also i want nothing more than to talk to you. Do you think i’m cool now? did you like my new hairstyle? Do you think i’m funny on tour? I want everything i want to be domestic again and kiss in the kitchen and i want to cook for you and as;ldfa;sdhaf i want to buy you flowers everyday and shower ur cute face with kiss. boopx28 

H-Canyon Moon: Hell yea i got ma man back and i have a girlfriend named Jennifer ;) and we are domestic and even though I HATE being away from him for work (so hard to leave it) we have the 2 week rule yall then i can wrap my legs around him and after so so so long I’ll be h.o.m.e. Also did i tell you his eyes are so so blue like sky who i dont know her

H-TPWK: So we’re really doing this. We don’t need to have it all figured out. We can just be us. and happy. and dance. The world loves us babe. (Giving second chances, I don’t need all the answers and if we’re here long enough we’ll see it’s all for us and we’ll belong)

H-Fine Line: You’ve got my devotion but man I can hate you sometimes....We’ll be a fine line. Between what? love and hate? public and private? out and in the closet? each others’ and ourselves? Idk. But i’m going to swallow my pride (my hands at risk I fold) because no matter what, the worst possible outcome is not having you. And I never wanna go through that again. I know we have work to do on our relationship (spreading you open is the only way I know you). And there’s lot of unknown here (there’s things that we’ll never know) but what i do know is that i cant resist you (you sunshine you temptress) and i cant be without you ever again. I think it’ll be hard as hell. But when have we known love as anything but hard? And when have we known our love as anything but worth it? We’ll be a fine line baby. But i know, i knowww with every part of me that we’ll be alright. Because these past 10 years, we’ve been through A LOT. ANd it could have ruined us and made us cynical and cold and closed off. And I think at one point it did. But you know what we did? We fought it. We fought it together. Then we fought it individually. And we became BRAVE. And a brilliant man once said, “love is only for the brave”. 

[alisarb]

the nature of frenchie and kimiko’s relationship

in every frenchie-kimiko video about their relationship there’s always someone commenting how much they ship it and there’s always someone else pointing out that their relationship in the comics is like father and daughter

so, being the obsessive shipper that I am and weirdly overthinking everything about a tv show because i can’t enjoy things like normal people, i decided to write this post to defend why I think their relationship in the show (and even a bit in the comics) is anything BUT paternal, and why their relationship in tv vs. comics is so different

(please bear in mind this is my opinion and in no way i wanna force ships onto anyone, you’re free to interpret stories and ship characters however you want!!)

Okay, the first thing we learn about frenchie in the show is that he is a man of many skills: in his own words, a gunrunner by trade, but with a very particular niche. we also learn he used to be a hitman, probably, and then he talks about his victims like scars he has to carry forever. he’s the first character apart from hughie that expresses some kind of remorse in the show about killing someone up until that point in the show (and i know it’s only the second episode, but by then we’d already seen quite enough violence)

he’s a layered character from the beginning, going from what looks like a man who likes his pills way too much and who seems dangerous to someone who actually has more to offer. still, he has other personality traits that differentiate him from the rest: frenchie describes himself as a womanizer in a conversation with m.m, who he mocks for being in a loving relationship with his wife. he “goes to sleep every night next to someone different.” we’ve met cherie by then but we can assume they are not really in a relationship by this statement, more like a casual lovers situation

and then, like a joke from fate, he meets kimiko. and from the very beginning they form a connection like no other. one can argue that their earlier interactions are kinda sweet and tender and not romantic at all, but from what i see, they share the kind of intimacy that most tv couples wish they could convey without even touching. their chemistry is undeniable 

on top of that, as their relationship progresses, kimiko begins to return the affection. she goes from this killing machine that can’t stand to be touched to initiate contact with (and only) frenchie, because he’s her source of comfort and reassuring. at mesmer’s, kimiko looks at him because he’s the only person that she can trust and the first one to show her kindness in who knows how long

the rest of the group is understandably wary of kimiko, as she has proved to brutal and ruthless. frenchie is the only one who understands her, and that’s why he frees her that first time: to give her a choice 

in exchange, when they are at mesmer’s,he asks her to show them what he sees, and she complies. because she doesn’t trust the rest yet, but she trusts frenchie. and even with that first vision he doesn’t doubt for a second that she can’t be just a terrorist. so kimiko shares with them and relives her trauma: the murder of her parents, being removed from her home and sent to a camp with her brother, being forced to become a soldier, being injected with compound v and becoming a supe with a talent for mass murder just to be locked in a cage like an animal... 

the look they share after that revelation is anything but platonic and/or paternal:

LOOK AT MM AND BUTCHER. BUTCHER IS LIKE WTF AND M.M SHRUGGED LIKE “NOTHING TO BE DONE HE’S IN LOVE YOUR HONOR”

sorry about the excitement this scene makes me wanna squeal with delight

shortly after, kimiko is watching shark week again and frenchie comes up to her to talk about vought and how they’re hurting people like they hurt her, how she could help them stop it. at first kimiko keeps staring at the TV and looks defensive, but the moment he says: “it’s your choice, if you wanna go back and look for your brother i’ll take you to the airport” she looks at him, surprised. 

because he keeps giving her a choice, which is the core of their relatiionship

and, as another user pointed out in a post a while ago, if you watched the show with the captions on (as i did bc english is not my native language) as she holds his hand, you can hear and read that shark week talks about mating and how if a female shark returns the male’s feelings will make some sort of move. one could think that this was accidental but c’mon, this show doesn’t leave anything a coincidence 

it’s clear from the beginning that frenchie is completely smitten with her. in fact, we see small glimpses of him literally OBSESSING over her from the beginning: he meets with cherie to get the gas to sedate kimiko and we learn he hasn’t been with her in a while. i’m sure he was plenty busy with the whole vought + kimiko situation, but at that point they were all living separately and they returned to their places even if it was less frequently than usual (and cherie seemed to spend a lot of time in his place, if not even living there)

he cooks for her when she’s chained and then later on he teaches her HOW TO BAKE my heart 

I could keep listing every moment when Frenchie looks at Kimiko (because his eyes inevitably follow her at any scene) or how the rest of The Boys is so aware of what they are (”you’re dating a terrorist”/”your crazy ass girlfriend”), and (SPOILERS SEASON 2 STOP READING FOR A SECOND) in the s2 we see how Frenchie is dog tired, probably angry and frustrated, and his face automatically changes when Kimiko goes to show him the origami piece. He smiles sweetly because she makes him happy, and amidst all the chaos they are going through one of his main worries is still Kimiko and how to understand and communicate with her.

END OF SPOILRS SEASON 2 

One of the last moments is in the finale, when Kimiko is finally pulling herself back together after years of abuse and mistreatment by brushing her hair, wearing pretty clothes or painting her nails. Simple acts that make her feel like she’s a person. When she comes out of the bathroom, he looks at her with pure AWE. He even says “look at you, mon coeur”, because it’s like she’s the prettiest thing he’s seen. When the gas comes into the room he pushes her into the bathroom first thing. 

M.M’s face at the end when they’re surrounded and he sees Frenchie hitting his head against the wall because even though he’s been shot he only wants to go get Kimiko, I think it says everything. His face when he talks about Kimiko and how she made him a better person. The way he pulled the hair out of her face. 

I really love how everything is coming together this new season, so now I’d like to address the main issue of this post: the nature of their relationship and how it’s nothing like the comics. 

There’s a very basic reason to why I believe their relationship is romantic, and not only by the actors’ interactions in Instagram, or the way Amazon promotes their relationship, but because the comics are so different from the tv show. 

Every character’s background story is changed, and so are their motivations, personalities and, as far as we’ve seen, their storylines. In the show they’ve made it pretty clear that Kimiko and Frenchie share a connection that resembles that of a soulmate. 

And even in the comics, (spoiler) when they’re about to die, Frenchie turns around and tells her that he’s loved her since the beginning. I don’t think that’s very father-like. 

In conclusion, it’s likely that they’ll make us wait for a long time before we get more romantic interaction (especially since Kimiko is growing as a character and that might mean she might need to grow on her own, which I think is great), but it’s been clear since the beginning that they are meant to be. I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL 

[helloalycia]

the exchange // alycia debnam-carey

summary: based off "the exchange" by camila bc why not. AKA you're in an unhappy relationship and fall for your boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend phew

warning/s: i guess cheating??

author’s note: look, i ain't about all that cheating shit. It's horrible and there's no valid reason tbh. This imagine wasn't intended to be a happily ever after in certain aspects, and tbh, everyone thinks they're the good guy hence the interpretation of this imagine is all down to perspective. It's based off the song, specifically the lyrics below, and it's up to you how you take it. I didn't intend for this to be taken seriously (just putting this here in case some of y'all get understandably pressed). People fall out of love and 'your' character should've done the right thing and broken things off but sometimes this (as in what happens) is just the reality of things.

okay, you can enjoy now lmao (i'm probs thinking WAY too far into this oops)

also, Y/M/N = your mother's name

"I think we should trade, 

Cupid told me he was drunk that day, 

and so he shot two arrows the wrong way. 

I heard him say, 

I think we should trade,

we'll tell 'em 'let's go on a double date,

meet us up at six in the café', 

we'll run away and call it the exchange."

         It was raining, hard.

         The patter of water against the window felt like miniature claps and I was sure the glass was trembling under the pressure. Nonetheless, the swirling grey clouds and intense rain fascinated me. It hadn't been like this when we'd left home – in fact, it had been relatively sunny. But as we sat and waited, the weather had progressively worsened. A shame, really. Well, to some.

         "Y/N, are you listening?"

         I tore my gaze from the window and met Ethan's brown eyes. He was sat beside me, watching with confusion as I blinked myself back into reality.

         "Yeah, sorry, what was that?"

         He rolled his eyes playfully and laughed before repeating whatever story he was telling. I felt bad, but once again, his lips were moving and no sound was coming out. Instead, I focused on our surroundings. The chatter of customers around us, the scent of coffee that had settled in the store, the bustle of baristas as they perfected their lattes. It was weird, as Ethan was like the background noise to everything else.

         "...and it's been a while, but I'm sure you'll love them both."

         Ethan had finished speaking and I looked back to him, forcing a small smile. He was talking about his best friend, Levi, who lived in Australia. Ethan hadn't met up with Levi in person for about a year now and Levi was moving back to L.A. – his hometown – with his new girlfriend. Well, new to Ethan and I anyway. Ethan had invited them both to meet at this coffee shop, the first meeting in a year.

         "Everything will be fine," I reassured Ethan. "You're right, I'm sure I'll love them."

         I didn't actually know Levi in person, only through the occasional video call. I wasn't really nervous to meet him, but Ethan figured I was. Should I have been? I didn't know.

         "Exactly," Ethan agreed, smiling a bright smile. Maybe for someone else his smile would have lightened up the room, especially in this dreary weather. Maybe his hand resting on their hand would have sent shivers down their spine. Maybe their stomach would be knotted with butterflies.

         I wasn't so sure.

         We had been together for a year now. He loved me. I had told him I loved him, too. But people can fall out of love, right? It was selfish of me to stay in this relationship, leading him on, when I felt nothing anymore. But I was still figuring out how to tell him. How could I let him down without hurting him?

         My mind was a mess, but I couldn't let that ruin now. He was excited to meet his best friend and I had to be a supportive girlfriend. That wouldn't be hard. I was happy for him.

         "Ethan?!"

         I looked up to see a tall blonde man walking towards our booth, a giant grin on his lips. He was holding hands with a girl, but as soon as he recognised Ethan, he let go of her and raced forward

         "Levi!"

         Ethan let go of my hand – I didn't miss the warmth – and slid out of the booth. His expression mirrored Levi's as he raced towards the blonde, meeting him halfway. The two embraced in a dramatic-like fashion, but nobody really took notice because of how busy the store was, despite the crappy weather.

         I sucked up a deep breath and slipped out of the booth as Ethan, Levi and the mystery girl approached me. Ethan was by my side instantly and I refrained from flinching at his unwanted touch.

         "You must be Y/N! It's so great to finally see you in person," Levi spoke first, a smile on his lips. He put out his hand and chuckled. "I'd give you a hug, but..."

         I shook his hand forced a small smile. I understood as he was soaking wet from the heavy rain outside, his hair plastered to his head.

         "You too," I said, hoping I sounded better than I felt.

         Levi seemed pleased with my response and shared a look with Ethan, but I was too uninterested to care.

         "This is my girlfriend, Alycia Debnam-Carey," he spoke again, this time reconnecting a hand with the mystery girl's. He looked to her and said, "Alycia, this is Ethan, as you kind of know. And this is Y/N Y/L/N, his girlfriend."

         The mystery girl – Alycia – stepped forward and pushed her dark, wet hair from her eyes. As her crystal green eyes flickered from the floor to mine, I felt stuck in my spot. She was beautiful and suddenly green was my favourite colour.

         "Lovely to meet you both," she said, smiling the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. And god, she had the most adorable accent I'd ever heard.

         She too put out her hand, and Ethan shook it first, saying something or the other, but I wasn't really listening. I just knew that it made Alycia laugh and throw her head back with laughter. Her teeth were showing and her happiness spread like a warmth around the whole room. Her soggy appearance and wet clothes didn't seem to bother her – I couldn't imagine anything bothering her, to be honest.

         Suddenly, she was looking my way, her hand outstretched. I cleared my throat and placed my hand in hers, trying to ignore how soft and warm they were. Shivers travelled up my arm and she pulled away, her eyes lingering on mine a little longer. Had she felt it too?

         "Come on, let's sit," Ethan said, ushering us into the booth.

         I slid in first, taking my previous seat. I felt Ethan slide in beside me, but I was more aware of the brunette sliding in before me, her bare knees tickling mine underneath the table. Why was I suddenly so nervous?

         "...right, Y/N?"

         I realised Ethan was speaking to me again and tuned back into reality. When I met his gaze, he was watching me with concern.

         "Hm?"

         He licked his lips and asked, "You okay? You keep zoning out."

         I waved dismissively. "Yeah, just thinking, sorry."

         He nodded, though I could tell he wasn't convinced. It didn't bother me though because I was suddenly hyperaware of Alycia's and Levi's eyes on me.

         "I'll get you a hot chocolate, yeah?" he asked, probably having repeated himself.

         I nodded and turned to reach for my purse, but he simply shook his head and laughed.

         "I'm paying for my girlfriend, Y/N," he said, not leaving me chance to argue, as he stood up. He looked to Levi, who was also stood up, and said, "Come on."

         I watched as Levi leaned down to plant a soft kiss on Alycia's cheek, flinching when his lips made contact. He seemed to be going for her lips, but she turned at the last second. Levi thought nothing of it and both him and Ethan joined the queue to buy our drinks.

         I looked back to Alycia, who seemed nervous, but still smiling. I returned an awkward smile and wondered where to start.

         "So you're Australian, hm? That's cool."

         I wanted to facepalm at how ridiculous I sounded. Of course she was Australian! Ethan already told me that and she literally had an accent! What was I thinking?

         Alycia suppressed the urge to laugh as she nodded. "Yes, I am. From Sydney actually."

         "That's really cool."

         Her eyes flickered to the table as she smiled. "Yeah, you already said that."

         I felt my cheeks grow warm as I also looked down at the table. "Right..."

         It was quiet between us for a moment and I was unprepared for the somersaults in my stomach and the bundle of nerves eating away at me. What was happening to me?

         "So how long have you and Ethan been together?"

         I looked up and saw her sitting up straighter, a newfound confidence having taken over.

         "Erm, well, about a year," I answered, suddenly feeling weird about talking about Ethan. "What about you and Levi?"

         Alycia pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Same. We met when he moved to Australia temporarily for work. I found a job opportunity here and so did he, so we decided to move together."

         I nodded, leaning forward with interest. "What is it that you do?"

         A toothless smile appeared on her lips. "I'm a drama teacher... how about you?"

         "Wow, that sounds pretty fun," I said, before chuckling. "My job sounds kinda sucky now." She laughed and my stomach flipped at the sound. "I work for a marketing company."

         "Ah, that's not that sucky!" she tried to reassure, and I could only find it in myself to laugh at how cute she sounded. "I'm sure it's fun."

         I shrugged. "Sometimes. Maybe. Kind of... Not really."

         She laughed again and I smiled at the sound. I wanted to make her laugh all the time – that sound was intoxicating.

         "Honestly speaking," she said once she'd finished laughing, "I wasn't too keen on coming today."

         I raised an eyebrow, suddenly intrigued. "Oh?"

         She shrugged and smiled. "I don't know... Levi had been talking about meeting Ethan for weeks now. He even mentioned you a few times, but I just wasn't feeling it. Of course I didn't tell him that... I wasn't sure what I'd find."

         "What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my brows, not looking away from her.

         She leaned back into her seat. "I don't know. I guess, well, I don't know anybody here in L.A. so I was mostly distracted by the idea of fitting in somewhere new. What I would find here."

         I nodded to show I was listening. Her voice was soft and it carried beautifully against the pitter-patter of the rain on the window.

         "I'm glad I did come though," she said, giving me a pointed look with her bright emeralds. "You seem interesting. I'm looking forward to getting to know you."

         A smile formed on my lips. "And I you, Alycia."

         The meet up wasn't something I had particularly been looking forward to, but later that afternoon, when Ethan was dropping me off to my flat, I was glad to have gone. Something about meeting the green-eyed girl sent butterflies in my stomach.

         "I appreciate you coming to meet Levi and his girlfriend, Y/N," Ethan thanked me as I grabbed some water from the fridge. "It means a lot."

         I cracked a smile as I settled on the stool before him. "Of course."

         He suddenly smiled enthusiastically. "What did you think of Alycia? I figured you guys would get on and it seemed so."

         A warm feeling spread throughout me and I couldn't help but smile for real at the thought of Alycia.

         "She's really nice," I said, looking down to my bottle. "A great person."

         "Yeah," he agreed. "She doesn't have many friends since she's just moved here and all. Levi and I thought it'd be nice of you both to meet. Did you get her number?"

         I nodded, remembering the exchange of numbers we had during our chat. It had happened so smoothly, not like a crinkle in conversation. I couldn't wait to text to her.

         "Cool, cool... well, thanks again..." He cleared his throat and stood up, rounding the island to stand close to me. "You sure you don't wanna spend the night at mine? We could have some fun..." He smirked playfully as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

         I smiled, though the thought of being intimate with Ethan made my head hurt. It had been a month – probably a little less, since we'd been intimate. I couldn't keep this up anymore though, I knew I'd have to break it off soon. But how? Maybe it was just a temporary thing. Maybe I'd fall back in love.

         "I'm kinda tired actually," I half-lied, pulling away from his arms and offering an apologetic smile. "Maybe next time, yeah?"

         He nodded and I could see him rolling his shoulders back, trying not to let my comment offend him.

         "Of course. You should get some rest. If you need anything, just call. Yeah?"

         I nodded and smiled as I kissed his cheek softly. "I'll talk later, Ethan."

         He nodded and offered a small smile before leaving. Only when I heard the door shut did I release a deep breath. One hand grasping the island, the other massaging my temple, I closed my eyes. I couldn't keep lying like this. It was wrong.

         I opened my eyes when I heard the text tone on my phone go off. I reached for it from the counter and saw my screen lit up with a text message. From Alycia.

         Alycia: Hey, how does lunch sound tomorrow? :)

         I didn't have time to register how I felt because my phone vibrated as another text came through.

         Alycia: Unless you're busy, which is totally cool. It's pretty soon of me to text isn't? We literally just met

         I stifled a smile as I opened up the conversation. Going to lunch with her didn't sound terrible at all. My phone vibrated again.

         Alycia: I just thought we could talk more, without the guys, but it's cool if you don't wanna

         To save her from overthinking, I typed back a response, unable to stop the grin on my lips.

         Me: I would love to, Alycia. I know this great café nearby! I'll text you tomorrow with the details?

         She replied instantly.

         Alycia: Oh, awesome! I guess I'll see you tomorrow :)

         Hanging out with Alycia started to become a frequent thing as time passed. I helped her settle in to her new flat (which she shared with Levi...) and showed her around all the local hotspots – so pretty much the nearest Target and McDonald's. We did become pretty good friends, but that overwhelming boat of feelings would just hit me whenever she did something cute or touched me platonically.

         I was pretty sure I was falling in love with her, and I wasn't sure how to feel about that. How could I be falling for someone so quickly when I was in a relationship? A relationship with a guy who I couldn't fall in love with? I tried to convince myself that these feelings would pass and possibly extend to Ethan rather than Alycia, but I was kidding myself.

         And I was sure she felt the same. She just had to be. Unless I was imagining those longing stared she'd send my way, or the extra mile she went just to be close to me. It was terrible for us to be like this when we were both in relationships. But I couldn't help but think that it was supposed to be like this.

         It never really came to light until one afternoon. Alycia and I had gone out to watch a film and she had dropped me off home, following me inside because she needed to use the bathroom.

         "I did ask if you needed to go when the film ended," I teased, pulling my keys from my bag.

         She rolled her eyes playfully. "I didn't need it then!"

         I laughed and she joined in, sending a whirl of my butterflies in my stomach. We neared my flat when I saw a woman knocking on my door.

         "Mum?"

         The woman turned and it proved to be my mother when she smiled my way. "Y/N!"

         I smiled in surprise as I pulled her in for a quick hug. "How long have you been waiting here for?"

         She waved her hand dismissively. "Not long, don't worry."

         I nodded and realised that Alycia was just standing behind me, an awkward smile on her lips.

         "Uh, Alycia, this is my mum, Y/M/N," I introduced, before looking to my mum. "Mum, this is Alycia, my friend."

         "Hello, darling," my mum greeted, pulling her in for a surprise hug.

         I stifled a laugh as I saw how taken aback Alycia was. She glared at me playfully before the two separated.

         "Let's get inside," I mumbled, going to open my door.

         "It's lovely to meet you, Mrs. Y/L/N," I heard Alycia say from behind me. I opened the door and the three of us walked in.

         "You're not from here," my mum commented vaguely, making me laugh because she was always so dozy with obvious things.

         "What gave that away, mum, the accent?" I asked sarcastically. I approached the two at the kitchen island, watching as my mum went pink with slight embarrassment.

         "Oh, be quiet you," she said, feigning annoyance, before looking to Alycia with a smile.

         I kept my eyes on Alycia as she watched my mum with concentration, a polite smile on her lips. God, she was so beautiful. She was wearing her glasses today and she looked so good in them.

         "What I meant to say is where are you from?" my mum amended her comment.

         Alycia chuckled. "Australia, and I don't mean to be rude, but I really need to use the bathroom." She glanced at me and I laughed when I realised that was the point in her coming in.

         "Oh, sorry, darling, go on!" my mum exclaimed, making Alycia smile appreciatively before leaving for the bathroom. She sent me an embarrassed smile, to which I laughed at, before leaving the kitchen.

         "She's a lovely girl," my mum said as I took a seat at the island. "When did you guys meet?"

         I chewed on my lip as I tried to remember how long it had been. "Give or take a few months."

         My mum nodded, helping herself to some water from the fridge. "So are you still with Ethan?"

         I nodded, though an emptiness came over me as he was mentioned. "Yeah, why d'you ask?"

         She shrugged as she settled by the counter, her bottle in hand. "I just haven't seen him in a while, I thought you guys may have broken up. There's also the fact that you've been giving heart eyes to Alycia."

         My eyes widened and I looked around, hoping Alycia wasn't out just yet.

         "Mum! Firstly, Alycia might hear you so be quieter!" I whisper-shouted urgently. "Also, did you just say heart eyes?"

         My mum laughed as if I'd said the funniest thing ever. "Look, all I'm saying is it seems to me that you like this girl. And if you choose to go forward with that, that's fine, but do right by Ethan."

         "Mum, that's not how it is," I tried to argue, but even I didn't believe me. "We're just friends and–"

         I instantly went quiet when I heard the sound of the bathroom door closing. Alycia walked back into the kitchen and a confused smile fell on her lips as she realised it was quiet.

         "Sorry, did I interrupt something?" she asked and giggled adorably.

         "Er, no," I lied, plastering a smile on my face. "Just catching up."

         She nodded and approached my mum. "Well, unfortunately I should get going, but it was a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Y/L/N."

         "Call me Y/M/N, please," my mum said, and nodded before pulling Alycia in for another hug. "It was lovely to meet you, too. Hopefully I'll see you soon!"

         Alycia smiled with confusion and cocked her head to the side. I internally facepalmed and my mum merely chuckled.

         "Today was really fun," Alycia said, her voice quieter as she came towards me. A beautiful smile graced her lips as she pulled me in for a hug. I couldn't help but smile as my arms wrapped around her slender waist. I tried to ignore the suggestive eyebrows my mum was raising from behind.

         "Yeah, it was," I agreed, pulling away, our hands trailing down each other's forearms and fingertips touching. Her eyes met mine and I found it difficult to breathe because of how bright and enticing they were.

         "I'll talk to you later," she muttered, smiling toothlessly before letting go and leaving out the front door.

         I breathed out slowly, still unable to shake that rush she gave me whenever she was close to me. I'd almost forgotten my mum was there until she laughed from her side.

         "Gosh, you're in trouble," she commented, and I couldn't help but think, maybe she was right.

         The visit from my mum really brought attention to how intense my feelings for Alycia were. And her comment, do right by Ethan... she was absolutely right. I couldn't be with him when I felt something for someone else.

         What really pushed me to plan the perfect time to break up with him was when I was going to visit Ethan at work to drop off some lunch. He was in his office and his assistant let me right up since she knew who I was. I was about to knock on, but I could hear his conversation through the door and my nosy side came out.

         "I just don't think Alycia likes me like that anymore." It was Levi. Why was he here?

         "C'mon, man, I doubt that," Ethan replied, trying to reassure his friend.

         "No, I'm serious," Levi said, sounding upset. "She's just– she doesn't like me like that anymore. I can feel it. We haven't even had sex in what, two months? Two months, Ethan! Is that even normal?"

         I chewed on my lower lip as I listened in. God, it was so wrong of me to be happy about that, but it also made me feel relieved. She didn't like Levi? Maybe there was a chance?

         No. That wasn't right of me to think. But I knew that thought was hanging around...

         "Dude, listen," Ethan settled, and I could hear him sighing. "Y/N and I haven't exactly been doing so well in that department either..."

         I frowned at how sad he sounded. I was leading him on and I knew it, and just hearing how fed up he sounded made me feel immensely guilty. I promised myself that I would break up with him this week. Anytime, soon, this week. I had to.

         I knocked on the door before opening it slightly, a small smile on my lips. "Anyone hungry?"

***

         I knew exactly what I was going to say to Ethan, but I also knew that in that moment, I'd forget everything I'd rehearsed. Knowing I could make it sound horrible was worrying me, so I decided to get my mind off things. Alycia had asked me to go shopping with her the following day, so that's where I found myself.

         "Trying on the clothes is by far the best part of shopping," Alycia said, a grin on her lips.

         I laughed at how cute she was, feeling those familiar butterflies. We were going to the changing rooms and she was more excited than one would usually be to try on clothes.

         "Yeah, yeah, loser, just go on," I said, giving her a teasing smile.

         She chuckled and got in the changing room, waiting by the curtain. I got in the one opposite her, turning to shut my curtain. She grinned again before pulling her curtain closed. I rolled my eyes playfully and shut my own. This was proving to be a wonderful distraction from my own problems.

         "Ooh, you were right about that top, Y/N!" I heard Alycia say excitedly from her side. "Look!"

         I opened my curtain as she did and smiled impressively. "I have pretty good taste if I do say so myself," I joked, which made her roll her eyes playfully. "Honestly though, you look really good."

         She bit her lip to contain her smile. "Thank you. Now try on those shorts I chose for you!"

         I laughed and closed my curtain, doing as she said. I looked in the mirror, nodding with agreement, before calling for Alycia. We were lucky the changing rooms were empty otherwise I could only imagine the complaints we would get from other customers.

         "Yes! I love those and you look so good in them," she complimented, her eyes looking me up and down. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't blushing at her stare.

         "Thanks," I said awkwardly, before closing my curtain. God, why did she always have this effect on me?

         "I'm not too sure about this one, Y/N, what do you think?" she called after a few more outfit changes.

         I opened my curtain as she did and had to refrain from physically dropping my jaw. She was wearing a black dress that managed to hug her curves in all the right place. She was absolutely stunning and I swear my heart was beating out of my chest.

         "Y-you look really good," I got out, unable to meet her eyes. "Um, you should get it..."

         She pursed her lips and looked in the mirror beside her. "I don't know... do you think?"

         I breathed out slowly before nodding. I finally looked up to her. "Totally, Alycia, would I lie?"

         She looked back to me and raised an eyebrow playfully. "I don't know, would you?"

         I smiled at her expression. "No, I wouldn't. You should buy it, seriously."

         She nodded, a toothy smile on her face. "Okay, I'll get it. But only because you said so."

         I stifled a laugh as she stared longingly my way. I licked my lips and quickly shut the curtain, trying to get her haunting green eyes out of my head.

         I got out of the clothes I was going to buy and back into my own when I called for Alycia. "You ready?"

         "Uhhh..."

         I quirked an eyebrow and pulled open my curtain, seeing hers was still closed.

         "You okay in there, Leashy?" I asked, suppressing a smile.

         I heard her chuckle nervously. "Kinda... I may or may not need your help to get out of this dress."

         I shook my head with amusement and slipped in through her curtain. She had the dress pulled up to her waist and I couldn't help but laugh at her troubled expression.

         "As you can see, my hair is caught in the zipper," she pointed out, giving me a knowing look.

         I moved forward and motioned for her to turn around. "It would've helped if you fastened it first, wouldn't it?"

         "Indeed, it would have," she agreed, making me smile.

         I gently pulled her hair from her zipper and she held it up and out of the way as I moved to pull the dress over her head. It came off with ease and she turned around, smiling cheekily and avoiding my eyes.

         "Wasn't so hard, was it?" I asked, a teasing smile on my lips.

         She sighed over-dramatically, making me laugh, and hung up the dress. The short silence of her response made me realise that she was stood there in her bra and jeans and I could feel my cheeks grow warm at the sight. I averted my gaze, but I wasn't sure where else to look.

         "Thanks," she finally spoke, grabbing her shirt from the peg and holding it in her hands.

         I finally met her eyes, about to dismiss myself and give her some privacy, but I felt stuck in place as her gaze peered right through me. Her eyes flickered from my eyes to my lips, half-lidded as she moved closer. I should have moved, knowing what was about to come. I knew it was wrong. But she was like a magnet, attracting me closer and closer and closer, until...

         Her lips pressed against mine hastily, yet softly. She dropped her shirt and rested a hand on my waist, pushing me back against the mirror, the other hand resting on my cheek. I closed my eyes and moved my lips in sync with hers, appreciating how gentle yet desperate her lips were. She was warm, careful, comfortable. Her body fit perfectly against mine and it sent the butterflies raging in my stomach. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't imagined what it would be like to kiss her. This was perfect, everything I thought it to be.

         And that's when I realised how wrong this was.

         I pushed her back reluctantly, opening my eyes, only to be submerged in her pools of green. We were both breathing heavily, trying to catch back our breath from that insane kiss. Woah.

         "I'm sorry," she said, letting go of me and stepping back. Realisation dawned on her. "God..."

         "Alycia–"

         She shook her head, holding her hand up as she tried to catch her thoughts. She bent down to pick up her shirt and pursed her lips.

         "We should get ready," she said, and turned around, making her perspective clear.

         I frowned guiltily and left her changing room, going to my own. I couldn't get the image of her being that close to me, the smell of her perfume in my nose, the touch of her delicate lips against mine, out of my head as we got ready and paid for our items. Today was supposed to get my mind off things, but it only made me realise how much I cared for Alycia.

         When we left the store, she suddenly spoke, the first since we'd left the changing rooms.

         "I just remembered, I have some things to do back home..."

         I could see that she was lying, only trying to back away and leave.

         "I can give you a ride," I tried, stepping forward, but she only stepped back.

         She visibly swallowed and avoided looking my way. "I'll be fine. I don't wanna stop you from shopping. See you, Y/N."

         I sighed as I watched her speed-walk away from me. God, why did things have to be so confusing?

         I ended up heading straight home after that, my brain having been fried from all the confusion. Ethan called me on my way back, which was the last thing I needed, but I answered anyway.

         "Hey, babe," his voice echoed into my car.

         I released a deep breath before saying, "Hey, Ethan. What's up?"

         "Just wanted to see how shopping with Alycia was!" he said, only reminding me of the pile of things I had to sort through mentally. "Levi told me you guys had a girl's day out! Is she with you?"

         "No, she's back at home now. But yeah, it was good," I lied, feeling even more guilty. How many lies had I told him now? Too many to count, no doubt.

         "That's good," he said. "Well, anyway, I'm at yours, waiting for you. Thought we could hang out this evening?"

         I just wanted to be alone, but I couldn't exactly say that, so I sighed. "Okay, Ethan, I'll see you in ten minutes."

         He seemed excited, which only pressed the guilt I felt because I knew I needed to break up with him. "Awesome! See you, babe."

         I said my goodbyes and groaned as I drove home in silence, thinking about how I was going to deal with everything.

         When I headed through my front door, Ethan was there instantly, taking bags from my hands and setting them down. He pulled me in for a hug and I noticed how hard and uncomfortable it seemed compared to Alycia's smaller frame.

         "I missed you," he said, leaning down to kiss my cheek. He stayed there, sniffing the air. "Is that a new perfume?"

         I widened my eyes when he pulled back. Crap, was that Alycia's?

         "Levi picked something similar for Alycia not long ago," he said dismissively, oblivious to my panic. "If you like it, I can get you it."

         I scratched my head awkwardly. "Erm, yeah, Alycia was showing it me today when we were shopping. I wasn't really fond of it though."

         Ethan shrugged. "Eh, fair point."

         I was grateful for how oblivious he was, but it also made me realise how much of a cheater I was. God, I was the worst. I needed to end this. But first, I needed to fix things with Alycia. She was plaguing my thoughts and I had to see how she felt about me. That was eating away at me as much as this whole breakup thing was.

***

         I found myself knocking on Alycia's flat door a week later. I knew Levi was hanging out with Ethan so this was my opportunity to fix things between us. She'd been avoiding my calls and texts all week and I couldn't stop thinking about her and the moment we shared. I needed to talk to her.

         She didn't answer straight away, but I could hear her on the other side of the door. She was probably looking through the peep hole, debating whether or not to let me in. I only hoped she would.

         After what felt like forever, the door finally opened and I was met with Alycia's glowing eyes.

         "Hey," she got out, her eyes suddenly darting to the floor nervously.

         I felt butterflies in my stomach at her presence. Still, I was unable to contain my feelings.

         "Hey," I greeted in return, my voice cracking nervously. I cleared my throat and continued, "Um, I haven't been able to reach you lately."

         Alycia visibly gulped and nodded her head, still not meeting my eyes. "Yeah, sorry about that, I was busy..."

         I could see she was lying, but nonetheless, I nodded. "Erm, it's okay, but I was hoping we could talk some things out. About, well, y'know..."

         She breathed in deeply and nodded before stepping to the side to let me in. I walked in and noticed how she still wouldn't look at me. I felt shivers on my arm as I walked past her, catching a whiff of her perfume – the one she wore the day we kissed.

         "Would you like anything to drink? Eat?" she asked politely as I sat on the couch.

         "No, Alycia," I said, staring at her. I knew she was stalling.

         She merely nodded and took a seat on the couch, but left a large gap between us. I understood why she was acting like this, but I wasn't sure what it meant. Did she think our kiss was a mistake?

         "Look, I'm going to get right to it," I began, growing uncomfortable at her lack of attention. "I think you like me as more than a friend."

         This caught her attention and she suddenly looked up, her green emeralds widening ever so slightly.

         "And I like you too," I added, softly.

         Alycia's eyes darted around the room hurriedly, as if she was trying to collect her thoughts. "Y/N, this can't... we can't... this is wrong."

         I frowned slightly. "I know. We shouldn't have done that to Ethan and Levi. But that's a separate problem for the moment. I need to know how you feel."

         Alycia's eyes met mine and she shook her head. "Y/N, I shouldn't have kissed you, okay? I shouldn't have done that to Will. I– I cheated."

         She looked down to her hands, and I saw how terrible she looked. She felt guilty for what happened and I didn't blame her, because I felt it, too.

         "You like me and I like you," I stated. "I feel like something was always supposed to happen between us. Don't you?"

         She pursed her lips, her eyes flickering to mine momentarily. They were agreeing with me, even if she verbally wasn't.

         "I've been thinking about breaking up with Ethan for a long time now," I told her honestly. "Since before I met you, Alycia. It just wasn't working out. And I know things haven't been the best between you and Levi. And I guess I'm just thinking, what if we ended up with the wrong people?"

         She ran her hands though her hair and sighed quietly. "I can't just break up with him, Y/N. It's not that easy. I share this flat with him to start with. Things will be messy and I can't just leave him because I might love someone else. It's not fair to him."

         Despite her obvious hurting, I couldn't stop myself from smiling slightly. She said she might have loved me and it made my stomach flip upside down.

         "You might love me?"

         She tensed up when she realised her slip up, but said nothing.

         "You can't stay with someone to keep them happy when you aren't happy yourself," I said, not looking away for even a second. "It's not fair to either of you. And the flat shouldn't be an issue. You can stay with me until you find a new place. I can help you out, Alycia. And maybe we can sort things out between us on the way. What do you say?"

         She genuinely looked like she was debating my offer. Her eyes looked to mine and I finally felt like I could see how she felt for me. I wanted to be with her, and obviously I had to do the right thing and break things off with Ethan, but it would be worth it if I could finally be happy and have Alycia.

         "I can't do that to him, Y/N, I'm sorry," she finally spoke, and any hope I had died away. "We should just stay friends."

         I tilted my head to the side and looked away. Nodding, I bit my lip and thought things through. She had feelings for me but couldn't be with me. Alright, okay, I could deal with this. Right?  

         "Okay," I agreed, knowing I wanted her in my life as a friend rather than nothing at all. "As friends, can I stay here to hang out?"

         I glanced at her and she was chewing on her lower lip.

         "Yeah, sure," she agreed. "Only platonic feelings between us. Agreed?"

         I nodded and sat back in my seat, mumbling, "Okay, but it was you who kissed me."

         Her face grew warm as an embarrassed smile fell upon her lips. Sinking in the couch beside me, she grabbed the TV remote and turned on the TV.

         I stayed and the two of us watched a film together. I wasn't even sure what we were watching because Alycia's presence was too distracting. I caught myself staring at her, too enthralled with how beautiful she looked. She was dressed so simply, her hair in a loose bun and no makeup on, yet she managed to take my breath away.

         Not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable however, I tried to concentrate on the film, whatever it was. But suddenly, Alycia sighed loudly.

         "Y/N, when did this happen?" she asked, and I looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

         "What are you talking about?"

         She gave me a knowing look and glanced down at our apparent intertwined hands. Hm, when did that happen? I didn't recall grabbing her hand in the first place. The feeling of it in mine felt so perfect it made no difference.

         "Really? Because I can remember agreeing that this would be platonic yet–"

         I couldn't stop myself and before I knew it, I had leaned forward and pressed my lips against hers. She went quiet and instantly moved forward, her lips moving against mine. The kiss was sensational and I felt shivers down my spine as she rested a hand on my cheek and her other hand on my thigh. We pulled away for a quick breath but I moved forward and caught her lips in mine again, unable to be away from her for a second longer. She was addicting and warm and everything like the other day, except this was kiss was less rushed and more meaningful.

         This time, it was me who pulled away, but I kept ahold of her jaw, not moving away from her fully.

         "I'm sorry..," I breathed out. "I know we agreed to be friends, literally half an hour ago, but I couldn't help it."

         I watched as Alycia clenched her jaw slightly, it tensing under my hand. She pursed her lips and glanced down, before moving back and making me drop my hand to my side.

         "I... I want to be with you."

         My heart raced faster as she looked up and met my eyes with confident ones. She said the words I so desperately needed to hear.

         "Then let's do this," I spoke, smiling a little. I took a leap of faith and reached out for her hand. She let me. "We can do what's right. Break up with Ethan and Levi. Then let's do this for real, Alycia."

         She seemed uncertain as she looked down at our intertwined hands.

         "Okay," she agreed, and I didn't expect it, so it almost went right over me.

         "Yeah?"

         She nodded, looking up again. "Yeah."

         I breathed out with relief, a lovesick smile on my lips. "Yeah."

         "We'll do the right thing as soon as possible," she said, a serious tone suddenly taking over her voice. "It's what's fair on the boys."

         "Agreed." I nodded, knowing she was right.

         "But for now..."

         I furrowed my brows, wondering what else needed to be done, but that confusion was short-lived as she moved forward and captured my lips in hers, stirring the butterflies in my stomach for the third time in a kiss now.

         Her lips were addictive, I knew that much, and as she kissed me there and then, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming amount of happiness.

         Maybe, just maybe, Cupid shot his arrows the wrong way.

[kinetic-elaboration]

February 9: Strange Fandom Space

I suck at sleeping at the right times in general but especially this week so I didn’t watch 4x02 until just now and I don’t have time to write up thoughts because like...work exists tomorrow unfortunately. I’m gonna just start indiscriminately closing order lines like whatever.

Wrote this earlier though so it’s kinda long but is not proof of me staying up late to ramble on tumblr I swear. Will write some sort of reaction tomorrow. Quick quick version: I liked 4x02 a lot. I’m quite pleased.

*

Yesterday when my mother was giving me her cryptic spoiler-free review of 4x02, I realized that the only couple whose canon status I'm waiting on is Bellarke. Like the only non-canon couple I both ship, and expect to be canon, is Bellarke. Which surprised me for some reason, though I don't know why. Maybe because I low-key ship so many people? I don't know, it probably shouldn't be a shock as I'm so out of step with the show romantic-pairing wise lol.  

(This came up because she said there was a romantic development I would like, and I guessed Kabby sex scene right away. We'd just been talking about Bellarke in a way that made me aware she wasn't talking about them, so I knew it had to be a development with an established couple. I don't have any not-quite-canon ships beyond Bellarke. And other convo had already made me aware it wasn't Miller/Bryan either. Thus the choices were really narrow.)

I just often feel like I’m in a totally different place re: thoughts/feelings on couples in the show, versus like the rest of fandom. And I think part of the reason for this is that I'm very used to using fandom to fill in gaps in canon. So, when the canon is giving me a couple, and giving me everything I want out of the couple, I lose a lot of interest in them, or at least a lot of fanon interest. I start enjoying the show (or whatever) in much the way that casuals do.

This plays into a larger theory of mine that I fall into fandoms particularly for the transformative aspects and thus don't get heavily invested in shows or other pieces of media that I'm perfectly content with—that fandom participation for me is basically a form of mixed adoration and criticism.  

This means that it's hard for me to understand a lot of things in, at least, this fandom, possibly current fandom trends more generally. For example, the focus on definitive truths, which includes expanding the sources from which definitive proof is found—for example, the idea that an interview could be canon. The more you accept as canon, and the more importance you give to canon, the less room there is for debate and interpretation because certain avenues are closed off even if there's nothing in the text to close them. Or the occasionally virulent hatred people receive if they question any aspect of the show, as if being a fan of something meant you cannot criticize it. Or even the weird way that people just like latch onto a random pairing because it's there and it's canon now and there's no room for saying a canon-ship doesn't make sense because it's canon lol so like you're obviously wrong. (Guess who isn't bitter about guess which mystery pairing.) (No one's ever said this to me I'm just bitter and paranoid.)

Or, perhaps most noticeably, the intense focus on whether or not something (usually a couple) will become canon. The derision fans receive if they like something not-yet canon. The ugly debates. The defensiveness (understandable given the derision though.) And just the investment in canon status.

On the one hand, as someone who's had a lot of non-canon OTPs I dearly wanted to become canon, I do get it. When you see all this evidence that A+B should be together, of course you want to see that come to fruition. Clearly. This happens to me a lot because  I (usually) need there to be some sort of canon-basis for a relationship in general to start shipping it. Very rarely do I ship people who've never interacted in canon, for example, and most of my big ships and OTPs are ones that I think should have been canon, given the evidence/foreshadowing.

But then on the other hand it's becoming pretty clear to me that, as I said, I lose interest in a couple in rough proportion to the degree that the couple is canon. Maybe it's because I've pretty much never gotten a canon ship before that I'm only realizing this now, but apparently when a Really Obvious Ship crosses the line from almost-there to actually-there, I start tuning out of the fandom.

For example, on The 100, I have followed along neutrally with some canon ships, like Finn/Clarke or Wick/Raven. (At some point I would have said I actually shipped Wick and Raven but...IDK fandom pretty much ruined that pairing for me and given that I didn't miss Wick when he was gone, I think in retrospect I was just having the sort of reaction a casual viewer would to it: I picked up the hints the story was giving me, enjoyed when they lead exactly where they were supposed to lead, but was never so invested that I focused on the couple in fanon or felt a loss in the show when they off-screen broke up). Even Lincoln/Octavia is probably in this category, as I enjoyed their relationship on the show, but never thought too deeply about it (because you can't, or it falls apart right away lol); I enjoy/ed them as a background couple in fics but have never sought out fic that features them as the main couple. That sort of thing.

I'd say I actively ship Jasper/Maya in the sense that I'm more-than-average invested in them, but again, the narrative gave me everything I wanted from that pairing so I very rarely spend any sort of fannish energy on them.

Miller/Bryan is a canon ship I actively ship (and have even written for) but they only had a handful of scenes in S3, we barely know Bryan's personality, etc. In other words, even though they're a canon couple, the narrative isn't/wasn't giving me everything I wanted about them, so fan works fill/ed the gap.

And Kane/Abby...they were never a big ship for me but I would say I pretty actively shipped them pre-S3. Now I passively ship them. I like them, I look forward to their scenes and their relationship developing, but a lot of my excited fandom feels just disappeared when they became canon.  

Even Bellarke is a little bit like this to me, only in the sense that I think it is super obvious they are going to be canon/endgame and I so trust the narrative on that point that I have no reason to ever think about their canon/not-canon status. It'll happen eventually. I'll enjoy it. But it really doesn't matter to me if it happens next week or next month or next season. Honestly, I really don't like feeling this way. I envy people who can get excited about their imminent canon-ness or even who can debate just how imminent it is. I just have no passion about it personally.

And...everyone else I ship on this show is very clearly in the Never Going to Be Canon category.  

I think there's sorta an argument to be made that canon Raven/Clarke could have been a thing... I mean IDK canon Cl*xa happened on less build up than Raven/Clarke had in S1 so I mean reasonable people can disagree I think... but not anymore. What with the damage in their relationship, the clear disinterest in the writers in developing even the friendship aspects, and the super bright signals that Bellarke is full steam ahead at this point, I don't see any room for R/C and in fact if they did veer off in that direction I'd be confused and annoyed even though I do ship them. Every other ship of mine is like...maybe if hell freezes over lol. In some cases, making a fanon-ship of mine canon would literally involve raising the dead but tbh even when both parties are still alive it's still just about as likely. And my point is that I'm okay with that.

I don't know what the overall point of any of this is except that being in this fandom is really making me re-evaluate the whole concept of fandom to me. What I want out of it, what other people seem to want out of it, and so on. My interest in the show itself is falling so low that sometimes I cannot fathom why I'm still in the fandom—I don't think I've ever felt like this about the source material before without actually leaving. I really thought S3 was bad, and I think S4 is better, so far, but if this were S1 I'd probably drift away before mid-season, it just doesn't match up with my interests very well. And yet I'm still here and I like being here, and it's because the core idea of the show, the universe, the first two seasons, the characters, and the stories I've put them in within my own head, are all so dear to me that I remain actively invested in something. It isn't the source material, isn't the community really (I'm an unknown that's all I mean, and I don't interact with people really bc I'm shy—this isn't an insult to the people in fandom). It isn't the fandom in the sense that stuff-that-concerns-the-fandom-as-a-whole doesn't concern me. And yet, for whatever reason, I'm still here. My very niche fandom interests keep me around. And it's just so bizarro to me.