#i’m done. i’m so fucking done. i can’t do this shit anymore.
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you people are fucking insane
#i know who this is btw they’ve made 4 blogs just to harass me after i block them#i was gonna end up crying myself to sleep tonight anyway so thank you for the material to help with that.#literally what’s the point. why do i do any of this.#why do i bother writing anything when it’s just going to be compared to someone else.#why do i bother editing when the fandom is dead except for harassing me.#who do i bother getting sober and getting clean and going through all of that bullshit.#why do i bother bending over backwards to be nice to people who send me this. and worse.#i’m not even posting the really bad ones i got tonight. that described my mutuals assaulting me in graphic detail.#people i love and care about and consider friends. who i already worry don’t actually like me.#i’ve spent all day stressing myself sick over the absolute terror of someone not loving me. and then this.#and you people know that. you know exactly where i’m vulnerable and you know how to attack it.#i’m done. i’m so fucking done. i can’t do this shit anymore.
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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons
#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups#and the later regrets of the parties involved#anyway. tell me not to text her#it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength#she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life#and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever#going to get back#and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that#really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you#felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way#instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out#so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least#we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she#like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have#said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me#and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting
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🤦🏽♀️
#I’m doing my first garage sale ever#and you guys would not believe how much stuff I’m going to have#my parents went through everything in their crawl space#I got a lot of my clothes that I don’t wear anymore#there’s soooo much clothes and toys#and I can’t even describe how many fucking stuffed animals we have 🤦🏽♀️#if anyone has done garage sales or are familiar with them#how do you price things?#I’m just going to do by table cause I don’t have the time or patience to do each individual thing#but I’m wondering#how much would you price for idk small /medium and large stuffed animals?#or beanie babies#or CLOTHES#how much would you price for kid clothes and adult pants and dresses and shirts#or fuck me I have no clue for the toys#most of them are just old and kinda antiques#nothing is like super old where it doesn’t work or is super scuzzy#and I tried to go through the clothes and got rid of any that had stains or holes etc#anyway it starts tomorrow#I’m doing Thursday - Saturday#maybe Sunday if I want to do just a free day?#just to get everything OUT#whatever doesn’t sell or anything I’ll just donate#let me fucking tell you#we have SO MUCH SHIT#maybe I’ll take a picture to show you guys when it’s all done#it was just in boxes for awhile and now that I’m actually getting it all organized I did not realize we had so much shit 😵#and today is my last day before the sale and man I’m no where near ready annnnd I have Mayas and then a family dinner….#so I have to finish it alllllll tonight after dinner 🙃 wish me luck lol#shut up rosie
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The way I had every intention to be productive this weekend and did none of it bc I know I’m in for some shit the minute I walk into that stupid office
#I finished the t-shirt design for HR lady right and she came in twice about it (could’ve been an email truly)#then when she DID said an email she just forgot that we fully did discuss putting the gross 75th anni. Logo on it#so her email was just that#and I did forget to respond to the email- like I skimmed it and then went ‘we talked about this’ but I’m not allowed to be a smart ass over#email anymore because when sales reps were being especially rude and disrespectful to my coworker and I#I’d waste no time to put them in their place#it took two fucking years of complaining for them to not treat us like shit and to give us deadline that aren’t same day/next day#like two years of me forcing my bosses hand to actually stand up for us for him to tell them to back off#I stopped dealing with it#my coworker does now bc I can’t be bothered to argue with assholes anymore#anyway yeah I- I truly do not check my email often so by the time EOD rolled around I wasn’t checking#but I know HR lady will be in my inbox bright and early :/#but on the bright side I’ll have the art room to myself Monday+Tuesday bc my coworker is leaving~~~~~#so I’m gonna try and be productive Monday so I can rest and relax at my desk Tuesday#then pretend I’ve been productive when I meet with my gross awful boss Wednesday morning#ugh#I need a new job bad#I hate this one#it’s fine but god is it boring and not creative at all#I love graphic design I do I really do but when it’s just sign making with pre-made templates it’s soooo fucking boring#So this weekend I just got high and yesterday a lil tipsy to feel a lil crossfade#I truly haven’t done shit bc if I think about Monday I’ll scream#personal
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Did sleeping help
No </3
#vent#tsk. isn’t it like. if you hate everything then eat#if you think everyone hates you then sleep#if you hate yourself take a shower?#sooooooooo. uhhhhhhh. didnt. work?#hng. artfight... I was so excited I have so many ideas#but it’s like. everything is triggering me or making me upset or freaked out or sick. idk what to do#I go ‘oh lemme see what my friends have done so far’ and then I see an oc from someone not my friend anymore and I’m like. ougghhh#I feel like such a baby for caring. stupid for being upset still. it’s like it only mattered to me and no one else had to deal with such#crippling anxiety and stress because of it#everyone is getting so much done so fast and I STILL can’t submit the second thing I did. I’m going to lose my head or cry or both or die or#SOMETHING uhhhhhhggggggg and it’s like all my anxieties are circling back around cus it was this time last year shit hit the fan#I have college!! I have no clue what my plans are!! all I’m good for is making fake people and drawing said people!!#I’m such a fucking. stupid.. I wasn’t even supposed to take this last semester off. we just didn’t know what other classes to take or what#to focus on... I’ve been literally free all day every day since December and it’s like I’m STILL not doing anything worthwhile#mmm I’m so alone in this I can’t DEAL well I guess I’ve been ‘dealing’ but I don’t believe thinking about bad situations literally every day#since they’ve happened can be considered as ‘dealing’ with it. I doubt anyone else is thinking about it that hard but I can’t help it#I can’t do a complete cut off from the internet. my only friends are here! what then? then I’m just. some sad sack who doesn’t talk to#anyone? mmm this isn’t a good way to start the day but I can’t NOT think. it’s all I do. my brain is one of the things that makes be I can’t#self labotomize myself into being a chiller person without killing everything that makes me with it#ugh. I’m going to be stuck in this headspace forever. even with apologies and make ups or agreements to stay apart#I’ll still be the one dealing with the negatives and fallout from shitty situations. funny seeing as I still don’t understand how things#even escalated so fast. but whatever. I’m the bad wolf forever. can’t change that
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MY LIFE IS NOT REAL WHAT IS GOING ON
#GUYS#so for context before i get into the storytime i currently live at home with my mom and brother#and my mom came into my room at like 10:30 and said ‘i need you to go downstairs and be the adult right now because i can’t deal with this’#(my mom is 54 and i’m 20 but sure i’ll be the adult???)#so basically. my brother (13) gave our fucking address to some random person on discord who claims to be 11 but who the fuck knows#keep in mind my brother was born in 2011 so he’s grown up with the internet his whole life#and he’s been told countless times by my entire family not to give out personal information online but he has done it multiple times#anyway he says he and his friends from school have been talking to this ‘kid’ on discord for like a year#and none of them know him irl bc he lives in rhode island or something but they’ve apparently been on video calls with him and seen his face#so there’s a good chance he actually is a kid but i personally don’t trust anything online anymore so i’m not totally convinced#but anyway he apparently sent my brother what looked like a youtube link but when he clicked on it it gave this kid his ip address#i have no idea how that shit works or if that’s possible but that’s what he’s saying#and then my brother was arguing with this kid bc i guess he’s racist?? and the kid was like ‘just remember i have your address’#and my brother is being super vague about everything but i guess the kid implied he was going to send a swat team to our house or some shit#so my brother freaked out and called the cops and since my mom wanted me to be the adult i had to go sit downstairs and wait for them#and let me tell you it was so fucking embarrassing standing there while my brother told the cop this insane story#and while my brother was inside getting his phone the cop asked me ‘so what’s the deal do you think this is legit or just kids talking shit’#like bro don’t ask me i have no idea what the fuck is going on and i’m so sorry you had to come to our house to deal with this 😭#anyway he’s going to file a report so if the cops get a call anytime soon about a murder or something happening at our house—#—they’ll call me or my mom to ask what’s going on and make sure it’s not this fucking kid from rhode island swatting us#so that was my night! what the fuck#i’ve never regretted moving back home more than i do right now#lj.txt
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tbf i really deserved to lose that poll im stupid af
#i need to come off the pill it’s not funny anymore 😂🙏🏼#like it was already hard getting myself motivated for a degree i hate and then there’s the adhd shit on top of that#which is literally the productivity killer but now the pill on top of all that has just taken any fear factor i might have had#like i don’t feel anything I’m not nervous there’s no concept of repurcussions in my mind#and it’s meant I’ve basically hardly fucking studied and it’s entirely my fault and im GOING to fail#like you cannot walk into a uni exam with the barebones knowledge i have and still pass you just can’t#like i spent all of yesterday trying to study and i didn’t get anything fucking done until 11pm#when I did like. a solid hour. that’s it#and it’s so frustrating bc it’s like well why didn’t you just study#and im like i CANT it’s like an actual physical block stopping me#and ik thats the adhd but I could handle it before I knew if I left it last minute the panic would set in and I’d be suddenly productive#but now? nothing#i just don’t feel anything ever and haven’t since literally march#and even that the only reason i remember it as march so vividly is bc i had a fucking depressive episode#physically the pill has done bits but it’s shredded the little mental stability i had and now we’re here and I’m failing my stupid degree#even now it’s like. why am I on tumblr. the exam is in 1.5 hours. i have so much to do bc i did nothing yesterday#and instead of me feeling panic or guilty or ANYTHING?#nothing. just absolutely nothing it’s like im not even here#hella goes to uni
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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I need to go to bed I’m just gonna shout a lil
#ice hockey needs to chill the fuck out#I had such a good night tonight!! was ssosososossososososo happy#but afterwards people started shouting in the group chat#and they all have very valid reasons for being angry but my god the us vs them mentality is STRONG#I am concerned abt how much people want to escalate things and how quickly they’re moving to do that#I am aware I am a doormat and a people pleaser or whatever but#I mean for one this is a tense political situation and we don’t wanna burn bridges#(there is no real politics i am being dramatic to be clear)#two clubs. alike in dignity. in fair Verona where we lay our scene#and I am personally managing at least 4 fragile egos that are all highly volatile#as well as an internal divide that’s threatening to cause problems very soon#I also should not be part of this anymore! and yet.#also why are specifically men who play team sports so dramatic when you get them all together#like that’s a whole shitstorm that is so easy to set off#anyway with my club I can’t blame the committee for being dramatic (different way to what I just said they’re not the same people)#bc I sure as fuck was overdramatic which fed into other people ramping up BUT that normally snapped me the fuck out of it#so I tempered the worst of it yknow. but I don’t think this new committee has that#/is not willing to listen to the person who would play that role#anyway if people don’t play nice it’s going to start some actual shit which will be deeply unpleasant for everyone#particularly the people who are in both clubs and do not deserve this bc they’ll be getting it from both sides and theyve done nothing wrong#anyway! bedtime now <3 I’m just frustrated bc the person who maybe would’ve calmed everyone down is out of commission#and I should not and am not willing to have the power to tell people to stop even though I probably still could#it’s whatever. sleep#luke.txt
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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I wish I had a gun so I could shoot something that is not alive
#girl WHY did i get offered two jobs on the SAME DAYYYY#one of them was the job i got interviewed for today which was a TA position at a further ed college#the other was my old job. baristaing#yeah you know that job i really enjoyed? that singlehandedly improved my mental health? and dislocating my knee & not being able to do it#anymore Fucked Me Up Royally? yeah. they offered me a seasonal contract#could they not have done this BEFORE i interviewed for two different TA positions and accepted one of them????? like for real#when i tell you if this woman had sent me this text message this time last week i would’ve skidded in there wearing a blue apron#like ‘yessss bitches did you miss me??’#instead i have to help teenagers become literate. FOR WHAT#i mean technically my knee is very much still not okay so if i did skid into the cafe i would absolutely wreck my shit. but still#i’m going to stick with the TA thing and hope they don’t royally fuck me up because like.. i know i can’t stand up for 8 hours straight#i just can’t. it’s not doable. it’s not in the cards for me#i could do 4 hours every other day but what is that. that’s not a living wage#i need to stick with the people who are going to let me sit down AND work almost full time. but god. why#i wish i could go back to the cafe. i wish i was pain free. and i want to flirt with gerry. but i could also just do that as a civilian#ugh i hate this. you spend god knows how many months functionally unemployed and two people offer you jobs at once. literally SAME HOUR#WHY#personal
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In memory of my 500 Megabite survival world, Glenvale, in which I just lost literally everything I worked so hard to accumulate to lava. My elytra, trident, bow, shulkers, and everything else is gone because of a stupid fucking glitch that prevented me from equipping a totem.
I’m fucking deleting that world. I can’t do this shit anymore man. It took me so long to bounce back the last time this happened. (More vent bs below the cut)
I know I shouldn’t be getting so worked up about Minecraft but god I wanna fucking cry. I’ve not had a good week. I had a panic attack on Wednesday, dad made my sister cry and was passive aggressive to both of us for something we can’t control on Thursday. And today I spent in horrid pain because I just got my fucking wisdom teeth out and now I lost everything I worked so hard for and I don’t even have any tears left to cry. I’m fucking done.
#Vent#Minecraft#Shitty parents#Medical tw#Teeth tw#Dental tw#Panic attack tw#I wanna fucking cry I’m so done with this shit#I just wanted to play some Minecraft and now everything I had is gone#I can’t do this anymore
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fuck today honestly im so overstimulated i want to throw a full tantrum on the fucking floor
#i’m sick of being at work i’ve been here for 3.5 hours and i’m fucking done dude i don’t want to be here anymore#and yet i’ll be here until fucking almost 5pm so. great#everything keeps going shitty i’m annoyed and pissed and overstimulated as fuck#i had to fucking fix the whole pos bc it got fucked up and the printer and drawer wouldn’t fucking connect#and i just almost spilled my coffee everywhere#it took me 30 mins to even MAKE said coffee due to customers being IMPATIENT#people wiped well over 3/4 of my case before 10 and we opened at 9 :-) so i fucking had to do the entire case for a second time#i also sprayed myself on accident with the fucjign sprayer for the dishes AND the syrup for my coffee bounced off the ice in my cup and got#all over my face and glasses and neck and i just ..i just want to go the fuck home i’m sick of this shit dude#i do NOT get paid enough to deal with how much saturdays make me want to actually kms#i don’t fucking want to do anything else either and im fucking not#the rest of my shift will be me cleaning dishes i made and washing the piping bags and then cleaning and helping customers#im not baking im not doing anything else on the list im fucking mentally drained i can’t#and how fucking nice too thhat i get to have tomorrow off and then come back monday-friday before i finally get to have 3 days off#sooooooooo fun and cool i want to fucking dIE#oh did i mention saturdays i work entirely alone for the whole 8 hour shift
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.
#do you ever feel everything you want slipping through your fingers?#I failed my test#and I just signed up for the redo#and when I looked again after to check the adress and time#I saw it said you couldn’t sign up anymore….#so either I’m just in time#or I’m gonna get a mail on Monday saying ‘sorry you can’t participate.. but you’ll get your money back!’#and I can’t make the test in juli#and I’m afraid that the test in august will be to late#so I’m afraid I fucked up badly#and I’m gonna cry myself to sleep tonight probably#and I made a different test and I get the results Monday hopefully#so if that’s a passing grade I’ll be fine#but otherwise I’m fucked#and I’m not feeling very hopeful#and the diabetes has been shit today#so yeah#im pretty done with everything
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vent tw
#i fucking hate myself#sometimes i just want to fucking die#i’m just so sick of everything#nobody cares#everyone leaves me in the end and i’m so damn tempted to do the same but forever#i don’t want to be here anymore#i’m tired#i feel like shit mentally and physically#i deserve to be alone#im just so done#everything’s gone to shit and now i can’t even check into here or my other ‘socials’ without feeling like i’m going to vomit#i’m tired of being so damn anxious#i just wanna feel something#and i don’t wanna check in with anyone anymore because i’m terrified#everyone is going to leave me#and maybe it’s what i deserve#i had a mental fucking breakdown last night#everything’s shit#and i’m not okay even though everyone tells me i am#i want to die
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i am going to drop out of college i swear to FUCKIGJGN god… i’ll do it… don’t test me… however the fuck many more years of this shit NO!! i can’t do it bros!!!
#hella venty tags just fyi#gotten to the point that i just want the most boring repetitive bullshit job i don’t need passion anymore i’m so done#just give me some boring ass tasks no one else wants to do idc anymore i just don’t#i’m not smart enough for this shit i hate tests i hate essays i hate the way they make us learn#i used to love learning so much but i just Don’t Want To anymore#and that SUCKS. yknow there was a time i wanted to get my phd.#now i’m not even sure i’ll be able to get my associates#i’m case y’all can’t tell i am NOT enjoying my classes this semester#midterm week has me ready to go lay down in the forest and become one w the moss#how did they manage to make shit like philosophy and anthropology. things that i VERY MUCH ENJOY. be so stressful and upsetting#these are things i LIKE and things i WANT TO LEARN ABT and yet i just want to give up so bad#i just don’t care at all anymore. and it sucks because i LIKE my philosophy professor. he’s a really nice guy#but the workload is insane and this midterm is even more so#don’t even get me started on anthropology. that was supposed to be MY CLASS.#i was supposed to be ALL OVER THAT SHIT. instead i have the worst professor i’ve ever had and i can’t even make myself WANT to do this work#it’s so fucking upsetting. i used to care abt learning and knowledge and school. i used to. but holy fuck#especially learning online like it’s great for some aspects but professors do NOT understand workload online#i’ve got two and a half hours before this fuckin midterm. then i have another essay to do for anthro and then a midterm for anthro#both due by tomorrow night. and i forgot i have a concert tomorrow night too. fuckkkk i don’t wanna go man. i don’t#i’ll shut up now but fucking fuck
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