#i’m trying to distinguish it rn because i genuinely

[shaaaaaaar]

bah fuck it im rambling here. im doing alright, im just having thoughts and reflections rn and yknow what, fuck it, why not overshare on tumblr

so Dark Shar Lore recap, two years ago i was in an abusive situation with someone (i called him c) who was romantically and most likely sexually attracted to me, which i didnt reciprocate (this was before i knew i was aroace and, unfortunately, is how i found out im aro). it was traumatic, to say the least. hes out of my life now and most likely never coming back, thank god.

i decided to write a definition essay on usernames, prompted in large part by the changes discord is making about usernames. while im uncomfortable people i know irl calling me shar, the name shar has a lot of importance to me so the topic of usernames has been on my mind a fair bit. when i get to my conclusion paragraph, i remember something about what happened with c.

something he did to get power over me is refer to me with my irl name. he knew me by shar but would use my irl name to “speak to the real me”, basically implying that under shar i wasnt being myself and that shar is a persona (enough of a persona to warrant being distinguished from my real name). my gut feeling was i disagreed, but i went along with him on that “speaking to the real me” shit.

i try to be the same person online and irl. i think theres a time and place to not be the person you are irl, you can play a character or have a separate online persona and not have it be a bad thing (it can even be a good or releasing thing! notably when you can express part of yourself online that you cant irl) though theres times where it can also be very toxic and unhealthy. but i want to be authentic and im not the type of person to play a persona for my online identity. what c said to me was harmful because he was telling me, whether he meant the positive or negative connotation of this, that the person i was under the name shar wasn’t actually me, that i’m not who i say i am.

c got back into my mind because the point of my essay is that usernames can be important and empowering to people, and that a name used online can hold genuine significance as a part of someone’s identity. makes sense that a moment where i was told that my identity and my username were separate beings would come into my mind, being that what he told me about myself is the antithesis of what i wrote about. and, with both the extra thoughts in my mind about usernames from my writing and the gift of hindsight, i had a thought.

was c projecting onto me that he doesnt act as himself under his username? part of the reason for his technique was an attempt to control me and my self image but genuinely, was the thing he told me a projection? and if so, i wonder if that projection falls under the more toxic side of the aforementioned spectrum, considering the context behind everything that happened was abuse. its a question ill never have a true answer to beyond my own theories, but… its an interesting possibility.

[kabutone]

ok maybe don’t read if you’re in a relationship rn cause i’m talking about like. relationships ending and all that 

but anyway, i often wonder what the point of relationships is ,,?? like, as someone who isn’t that pretty and also grew up closeted, and in a predominantly white school, with all cishet classmates (except for maybe One person), i have not dated that much. partially bc i never got the chance due to my circumstances and partially cause i’m not really conventionally attractive, and when people like me i hardly ever like them back. and when i like other people, they almost never like me back. 

and then when i get even Close to maybe getting into any kind of romantic relationship, i’m like, what is the point?? i have friends that “date to marry” and i guess that would be true for me too, so then it’s like, im hesitant to try to date at all. and i also know sometimes people specify at the beginning that they’re looking for something short term, so then what does that look like? cause i RARELY ever hear of a breakup going well. one or both sides is always so crushed after a couple breaks up, and its like, so if i get into a relationship, it can only end in marriage and being together FOREVER, or crushing heartbreak for one or both of us???? that’s so high stakes

like idk i guess i have trouble distinguishing what’s different between friendship and relationship, like i have a lot of friends, and some people that i’ve lost touch with but we could become friends again if we reconnected, but there’s no harsh line of “friends” and “not friends” usually. i Also know sometimes people have on and off again relationships where its “dating” and “not dating” but usually that’s accompanied by both people being stressed about it. like why is it that you can go from “friends” to “dating” without much issue but going Back down to “friends” from “dating” is a big deal???? like it’s so rare, so many people HATE their exes with a passion and i understand if they genuinely were shitty bc they cheated or abused you, but sometimes its just Because you broke up i think

anyway . i feel very stupid for not getting it. i know i’m not aro bc like for sure for sure ive been in relationships and felt romantic attraction i just also don’t get it???? but anyway. if relationships usually end so badly, it feels like dating a bunch of people feels like going on a mission to make a list of enemies. if there’s a risk you and the other person will hate each other forever, why even get in a relationship in the first place unless you’re very certain that wont happen??? 

[skinks]

Please Please talk to me about Maggie Tozier and what she’s like and looks like and what Dilfworth Tozier loves about her and made him put a ring on it and in general how much her two boys love her and how she loves them.

[cracks knuckles] here we go

I was looking through my copy of the book yesterday to answer this ask but then I figured, y’know what? Canon can suck it. I tend to beat myself up over accurate characterisation for Richie and Eddie, but they’re main characters, Maggie and Went are not, so the details are inconsequential. Their ages in the Dilfworth fic mean that they’d have a pretty different life experience from their book versions, what with growing up in the 60s/70s, but imo all that matters is that they love Richie and are good parents. Canon is ours now!!!

- my no.1 headcanon rn is that Maggie sings like an angel, and sings all the time. In the car, in the shower, gardening, housework, cooking. She and Went have a pretty good record collection, but if Went is listening to something and hears Maggie singing to herself in another room of the house he shuts that shit off quick so he can hear her.

- I wrote in ithots that Richie busts out into song at the drop of a hat, right? well, where Richie gets encouragement with his Voices through Went participating, Richie gets his incessant singing from Maggie, because he grew up in a household where that was welcomed.

- Maggie doesn’t even notice she’s doing it until Richie joins in, or she turns around and sees Went gazing at her all dopey, and she gets self-conscious

- until Went is like “I don’t know why. You know I think you’re a songbird” and then grins and calls her Magpie. She says stop. He says, Maggie-pie? She throws a dishcloth at him but secretly loves it because she fell in love with how frank and practical he is most of the time, but also how silly he is only when it comes to her and Richie.

- he only calls her that when they’ve had one too many anyway, otherwise it’s all sweetheart, honey, darling, Mags. Marguerite, in Richie’s stupid French Waiter Voice. “Yes ma’am” for when he’s rearranging her guts. Maggie’s the one to call him “my love” the first time, but she said it kinda exaggerated and jokey, and Maggie just doesn’t joke the way Went and Richie do so Richie noticed the way his dad just cracked tf up and was like wow, Mom must be really, really funny

- so y’know how Richie calls Eddie “my love” in the book, and is generally quite physically affectionate? He picks all that up from his parents, watching their example. Wants to make Eddie laugh like that

- for some reason I always imagine she speaks like, French or Italian fluently. I’m stealing @honeyreynolds hc that her maiden name is Avery for Tex Avery, but maybe her own mother was European. She tries to speak French with Richie as a baby/toddler so that he’ll be bilingual, and she’s so proud/frustrated because he’s clearly smart and has a knack for linguistic imitation, but his attention span is just. Non existent

- still makes lil kid Richie giggle by doing exaggerated Italian and making him guess what she’s saying

- I think she’s pretty elegant and reserved and almost shy on the surface with a rly wry sense of humour, so people tend to think she’s snooty, but she’s just... so concerned with keeping the peace and not saying anything bad about someone. Tries to see the best in people. This can lead to a lot of embarrassment when Went is so upfront and medical-frank about stuff or if Richie’s being a dumbass in public, but really she just envies their typically masculine lack of inhibition

- this is because she’s got this killer wicked streak. Maggie’s got a hidden well of scathing diatribes and Went knows it because

- they met on a plane in 1971 when Maggie was flying back to college for her final semester of senior year, and the man in the seat next to her started having an attack of some kind. The stewardesses appeal desperately for any doctors on board, nobody answers. Anyone at all? We’ll have to land the plane! Maggie’s trying to slowly shift away from this man and his spasms without seeming rude when she hears a deep sigh in the seat behind her and someone saying “I’m ethically bound to admit I have a licence in dentistry,” in a voice like he’s in on some joke nobody else knows.

- this guy unfolds the longest legs she’s ever seen and comes to squat right next to her and her apparently dying seat partner, she notices he’s nice looking and keeps glancing at her, there’s banter. Eventually he shrugs and is like “imo this man has a bad case of wind.” And Maggie just TEARS Went a new one like oh nice diagnosis DOCTOR DENTIST where’s your seatside manner?!?! what kind of name is WENTWORTH anyway! and Went’s like 👀😳😍 and then the dying man lets out a giant fart and Maggie recoils, all her pretty poise and indignation turning to base disgust and Went bursts out laughing and offers her the seat next to him

- turns out his first residency is in the next town from Maggie’s college. She’s only dated preppy meatheads before who only ever tried to flatter her and stopped listening when she talked about her music theory degree or the books she likes. But Went always grins and side-eyes her and cranks the volume whenever Maggie May comes on the hits station, because then she’ll whack him with a book. She’s so SWEET he loves goading her into releasing some more of that plane rage, like one day she’s prowling on the edge of a rant about her TA and trying to be reasonable. Went’s like, do it. You’ll feel better. So she fuckin rants her head off for ten minutes until her hair’s all dark and wild like an Arthurian queen and she looks over at Went reclining all impressed on her dorm bed and he’s like. I have never been more in love in my life. Can you sit on my face and make fun of my name again

- so yeah they’re both like, quietly distinguished and outwardly calm model citizens of Derry but in private Went is the fuckin roastmaster and is Maggie’s outlet for frustration whenever housewife suburbia gets too much

- I always picture her as having dark and quite curled hair, sort of Lauren Bacall eyes, and she’s probably tall too. Like 5’8 to Went’s 6’0 or 6’1 which is why Richie turns out to be 6’2 lmao. A family of giants. Honestly the whole time I was writing the Dilfworth fic I was imagining Mary Elizabeth Winstead, that’s my early-30s Maggie that Went is so excited to come home he’s stocking up on condoms. God I bet she’s got some of those single dark beauty mark freckles on her stomach 🥵 Wears hats with big brims. Sundresses. Secretly likes to pretend she’s on a mysterious trip to Rome as she sits in the park watching Richie catch dragonflies. Maybe when she’s older and Richie’s a teenager she looks kinda like Olivia Williams, bc I’ve had a big milfy thing for her ever since she was the mother in the 2003 Peter Pan.

- most kids in Derry have a crush on either Richie’s mom or dad or both and this is unfortunately quite damaging to his self esteem, even though Maggie INSISTS he’s just so handsome. She hates seeing him so insecure

- she tried pot once in college and hated it. The only times she comes close to getting hammered is on book club wine because it’s the only way she can get through them asserting the female orgasm doesn’t exist, then she comes home mildly tipsy and joins in on Went and Richie’s raucous game of cards

- felt a bit left out when Richie was small, with how well Went was able to go along with the silliness. Went sees this and gets Richie to make up a game where she’s Queen Margaret of the Tozier Court and made Richie a knight. They all spoke in bad Medieval Voices all afternoon, and it becomes one of those super long-running family jokes, and Maggie still feels all happy inside whenever Queen Margaret comes up

- ruthless decision maker!!! She had to be, because Went’s so laidback he’s horizontal and is always like “idc what we do as long as you guys are chill” and Richie can’t concentrate long enough to pick what colour gumball he wants, so she has to be staff sargeant. They go to Disneyland and she’s like C’MON BOYS HUP HUP HUP and Went’s like “oh cripes son we’re being hustled!!” but they love it as much as she loves them doing what she says

- great cook because of her indeterminidely Mediterranean mother.

- she genuinely wants to understand Richie’s strangeness but is also stumped as to what to do to bond with him, since she can only think of things she’d do with a daughter. She WANTS to brush Richie’s curls and bake with him but she thinks he wouldn’t like it, so they stick with singing. Is delighted when Eddie very politely and very intensely asks for her help making Richie a birthday cake. She sees how different they are together, and remembers Richie coming home at 5 years old declaring he was gonna marry Eddie Kaspbrak when he grows up, and she thinks... well, if I must have a son-in-law, I would love this one as much as I love my son.

[disslve]

𝐲𝐞𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐰 & 𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐝𝐲 ! this is nai and my cowboy ass is here to throw roxy @ u and also tell u bad jokes and cry over life is strange 2 because i’m still not over this game and I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. just a heads up, i came up with roxy on a whim because this rp just looked so good,  so if it seems like i don’t know what i’m talking about ... it’s most likely the case whoops . ( this is an excuse for me bringing shitty muses ). anyway, my fake cowboy ass loves to ramble so if you’re interested in plotting feel free to LIKE this post or hmu. i forgot to mention that i’m also a fake grandma so idk anything about discord at all and i still need to set it up which will happen in the next few days dsdnsdsdn. 

ps: wanted connections/plots can be find in my wanted tag ( a link is on my blog ) and i’ll also list some below !

EDIT: discord name is nai #7158

 * [ kristine froseth + cis-female + she/her ] —— have you met roxanne ‘roxy’ bailey ? they are a twenty-two year old junior currently studying romance languages and literatures. they live on decker house and word around campus is that this scorpio is compassionate + dedicated, as well as impatient + dishonest. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. 

basics.

full name: roxanne elise bailey

nicknames: roxy, rox

sexual orientation: bisexual

birth place: valencia, spain ( but only lived there for five years ) 

history. 

one could say that roxy had lived an easy life, though her parents weren’t distinguished by their social status, it didn’t mean they lacked money which was enough to support their daughter in whatever she wanted to do.

truth to be told, roxy was indeed a little spoiled, the type of kids who would try all kind of things on the expenses of their parents only to quit a new ‘hobby’ again. she could barely stick to anything. she was some twisted kind of golden child, good at many things but never had the patience to continue something for long enough to cultivate it. 

skipping over the part where she almost tried everything from arts, music etc. she finally found her passion ( and even roxy herself was surprised ). figure skating. she didn’t know what drew her in, she couldn’t explain it, she tried it and it felt right. roxy always describes the feeling as finding a soulmate if she feels extra dramatic that day. 

unsurprisingly, she was good at it. not that kind of good at something she was at all the other things she tried before, but that being good at which stemmed from genuine interest. maybe, that is why she managed to get so far. and it didn’t take too long that people even started to call her a figure skating prodigy. 

at this point at her life, she had it all, spinning the stars on her fingertips ( or warning bad pun ahead: spinning on the ice ). until, well, her parents company was in some crisis and they had to cut corners in the meantime. also oh so ‘conveniently’ roxy lived at the arse end of nowhere and getting to her practices was now even more difficult because as mentioned before they had to save their money for more necessary things. of course, there were more things , small and big, which totally threw her off ( which i am too lazy to list rn).

roxy tried to work part time, but a) the money wasn’t enough b) she didn’t want to cut more hours of training she managed to get. AND well, here comes the turning point and roxy thinking she was oh-so-smart without realizing that it would cost her career. oh-so-smart roxy came up with the idea to , well, just steal some stuff. after all, she trained with many other wealthy peers and she could just sell off their stuff or something. 

at the beginning she only did it to afford certain things she needed, but soon it somehow became an addiction. she felt in control when everyone else in her life was an utter mess. however, the more she took things away from others the more she felt comfortable, doing it more often and sometimes taking things which weren’t even worth that much. it was only a matter of time until she was caught. and as if she was lucky for too long, the person who caught her pressured her into either giving them a hefty sum of money (which she didn’t have) or to quit figure skating. she decided for the latter.

well, here she was and her sudden departure was quite a shock. but she had no choice and stated it was for personal reasons. 

skipping over her being devastated over it, etc. her parents managed to save their company (whatever this company is) but at this point it was already too late and roxy was accepted into holloway. 

right now she actually wants to pick up her figure skating career again, however, she’s too afraid that the blackmailer is going to expose her and also she doesn’t really know who they are (lets pretend they wrote her letters, txt messages >??) and also she’s kind of afraid due to the lack of practice she had .

personality.

okay i’ll keep this short bcs i wrote way too much for her background story. but to sum it up, roxy kind of has that perfect girl facade.  considering how many friends roxy has and how social she appears to be it is odd that no one seems to be able to describe her.  roxy doesn’t want people to know who she truly is, and she keeps her distance as she actively avoids conflicts that might cause her to say something wrong and exposes herself. 

she shields her feelings by only presenting polished version of herself, the facade of the perfect girl: kind, hard-working and polite. someone whose life is easy and someone who looks like she doesn’t have any worries. it doesn’t mean she isn’t anything of that, but it’s not as if her kindness has no bounds or that she doesn’t need to put effort into the things she does. nevertheless, she believes that she must be perfect in order to make people like her. and while, she is pretty good at masking her emotions and smile along, as soon as someone threatens to see past the illusion, she will become defensive and won’t hesitate to lie in order to preserve it.

plots.

best friends: although roxy pretty much keeps her distance from everyone else, this person had always stood by her side. maybe they knew about roxy’s sudden wannabe-thief phase ( which she is still in ) and well tried to talk her out of it ( which obviously didn’t work ). also adding some drama here and maybe they had a big argument over it and distanced from each othr because of it. however, my angst ass doesn’t want to ruin it and they’ll rekindle their friendship. they might meet again at holloway and it’s awkward at first, maybe they even have some arguments but they’ll get over it because everyone loves a good rekindled friendship story.

annoyance: someone who gets under roxy’s skin.seeing past the perfect girl face and constantly calling her out on it. maybe they just have fun annoying her and want to see what she really likes or they just don’t like roxy , thinking that beneath all of this act, she is a really unpleasant person. perhaps, they’re even doing it with good intentions and want to show her that she doesn’t need to hide who she is. whatever it is, they’re determined to expose to the world who she really is. 

pen pal ??:  muse a and roxy had been friends for a very long time, yet the funny thing is that they’ve never met each other nor do they know what the other look like. all they know is their name ( or maybe they only know each other by their usernames ) and their deepest secrets. maybe they already have crossed paths many times and perhaps even know each other but don’t like each other irl. or they never had noticed the other.

blackmailer: BECAUSE WHY NOT??? the person who forced roxy to give up on figure skating. maybe, they were a rival or just didn’t like her, or any other reason. they might as well, have noticed that roxy is secretly training again and might be back at their shit again. 

exes: GIVE ME THE ANGST, maybe muse a and roxy used to be in a serious relationship and as naive they were back then both of them thought this love would last forever. however, at some point roxy started to distance herself from muse a, constantly cancelling their dates because of their busy schedule. at first muse a tried to be understanding towards her, but as time passed things only got worse. roxy hating any kind of conflict just decided to ignore the problem instead about talking about it and eventually stopped replying to muse a messages. muse a never really got to know the real reason behind their break up and was left with unanswered questions. but anything works  

unrequited love: (this is just me throwing in my favourite way to make myself suffer) It doesn’t matter who is the one with the the one sided love because i just want some good angst.a)  muse a has a crush on roxy, yet they never told her about it. yet, muse a can’t hide it and it doesn’t take too long until roxy notices it. but instead of trying to talk to muse a about it, roxy just ignores it acting as she usually does and perhaps even give them false hope that she might like them back. maybe muse a even confessed to her and because roxy didn’t want to hurt them she told muse a she’d think about it.

b) roxy has a crush on muse a but doesn’t admit it. she doesn’t want to show their vunerable side and just plays it down. maybe they’re friends and roxy doesn’t want to lose another friend. but one day she confesses to muse a on accident, making everything awkward between them.

someone she stole from: idk i thought this would be fun ? maybe she confessed to them about it or maybe they caught her but decided to not confront her about it.

fan: someone who used to watch her perfomances on their tv and is still not over the fact that she quit.

i also have a connection page on my blog if these are too specific or none of these work 

i’m too tired to come up with more dsdsdnjsd but gimme everything !! THE ANGST, FLUFF, DRAMA PLS!!! 

[retrorealeyes]

Here’s why I want my parents dead /hj

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE like I know hating your parents if they aren’t overtly abusive (and even if they are it’s only mildly) like bruh, tempted to list out my parents “abuse” here. also like bruh, i’m fine rn, i’ve just been hating them for a while

This isn’t fully everything ever, it’s just an overview and I don’t think it touches the main problems enough (also I don’t give a lot of examples because there’s too many and I don’t have the will to write em all,and i’ve still overviewing everything)

-never respect my wishes if it goes against theirs (e.x. please leave me alone, can i go outside?, can I leave and go upstairs?)

             this is a big one

-don’t respect my privacy (in weird ways too, like my dad opening the door to scare me when i’m changing) and making fun of it too

          plus in normal ways like reading my journals or never knocking no matter how many times i tell them to

-making fun of me on purpose to get me upset, even when i ask them to stop

-getting suddenly and violently angry (dad):

           often unreasonably and quickly

          my dad curses people out under his breath, as a sign he’s going to get violent

          has broken things, SUCH AS MY WHOLE ASS PHONE by throwing it on the ground does punch things, generally not people, e.x. walls, but not that hard. he has punched me

          DOES to people- slap, push (this one especially, just last week he did), throw, scratch

          is destructive to other’s property (e.x. ripping up THEIR papers)

          refuses to listen to suggestions like, in the future, trying to calm down, or writing out his anger instead or seeking therapy

          been like this towards me since i was 6-7 years old

          it can escalate from anything

          will degrade you and insult you, if you ever say anything back (even in a non-angry situation, will grow even angrier/get very angry)

          makes you feel awful

          can last for hours and never accomplishes anything apart from further degrading yourself

          if you don’t give the exact answer he wants, will get even angrier

             I’m obviously terrified of him

               Swears at me, except they censor me so much they could probably kill me if I ever swore so that exacerbates the fear of it

          after the fact continuosly denies it

-my dad also:

           always demands respect

          always plays the victim and complains about how we dislike him

          never admits his mistakes

          is awful to my little sister, randomly, even when she’s being perfectly fine

-my mother and father’s relationship

             they openly and mean to each other. they never display affection and joke about divorcing

             sometimes dad yells at mom for a while, it’s obvious he thinks he’s superior to her and belittles her intelligence

             they are sometimes violent, but not often, and not overtly, more violent towards objects than each other when fighting with each other

             they do get in fights often (see: my dad’s belief in his superiority)

-openess with them

             there is none. they constantly criticize any self expression, make all subjects taboo, get angry over nothing and overall make me terrified of talking to them, then get all sad about “why don’t you tell us“ but if I try to express anything, even if they don’t get angry, they’ll store it in their heads and then later keep using it against me. “You said we were bad parents, do you not want to eat our food?“ “You said you were unmotivated, you don’t even have a reason to be sad.“ (said in an challenging, mean way)

-my self esteem

-my dad, physically (TO BE CLEAR I don’t think my dad in any way in trying to do anything sexual, i’m just saying he never respects my boundaries and here are some things he thinks are “perfectly fine” that he does, also this might be a bit disconnected sounding, i’m just so tired

          commenting on my weight/appearance (mom too)

             commenting on what i’m wearing, especially teasing me if it’s something out of the usual, as if i’m not insecure enough already

             dictating what i wear if they don’t like what i’m wearing

             commenting (negatively) on my mom’s weight a lot (to be fair, they both joke about being old and him balding and a little about him being fat so this one isn’t as bad apart form the fact that i’m skinnier so he “jokes” a lot about how i’m like a skinnier version of her)

                fatso called the girl in the video

             forces me to hug and kiss him, often only giving my phone back or treats luke donuts if I kiss him, even if I’ve expressed i’m uncomfortable (just does this a lot and i hate it)

-the past

             have yelled for me for no reason since i was young

             i don’t remember ever liking my dad (wait, before 6 years of age i remember liking him and before I was 9 i remember not hating him at all times)

             i continously try to trust them again, then they break me

               they were never open with me and taught me to be ashamed of myself which led to bad social relations later, which i’m only now breaking out of

-confiscation and lack of trust

               always taking my stuff so i can’t rely on what they’ll black mail me with, no “excuse” is valid to keep it (ex. I want to communicate w/friends or I LITERALLY HAVE INSOMNIA AND CAN’T SLEEP WITHOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC); during my worst days, when I was really suicidal i remember not having my phone for a long time which led to me being left behind and further isolating myself which, y’know spiralled

               I can go on and on about how they never value my voice but i’m sort of running out of steam

               they also never trust my statements, always cast me as the cause-r of something (luckily they’re fair and don’t punish me for it if I insist I didn’t do it, but the fact i have to really advocate for my innocence and am constantly suspected just is not great, and even jokingly, i hate attention, their attention)

                 There’s more but i think i’m done for now

-constantly bother me (i know this is nitpicking, i’m just trying to get everything out, and some of these have more layers than i’m willing to express)

               intentionally sabotaging

               even if i ask them to go away

               try to annoy me when ever i see them, even if i’ve asked them not too, and really make me avoid everything even more (you have to go through where they usually are to get out and that means y’know what)

               singing

               yelling and stepping loudly (which makes me scared my dad is mad all the time)

               always teasing and judging

-mother dearest

               very aggressive

               VERY controlling

               generally boring

               always invades privacy, more of a nosy person, but, in a way, better than dad

               she can get violent too and screams but it’s less often but can get very intense sometimes, generally it’s more of taking away my stuff and telling me to give up (which, the telling me to give up, my dad does too)

-lack of independence

                THIS ONE IS HUGE. my parents are very controlling and so even a little freedom excites me and they use my lack of experience as a sword against me, and that makes it eve harder for me to do anything when I’m constantly fighting restrictions and my brains can’t distinguish bad restrictions from schoolwork restrictions

-shitty world view

               just a bad biased view of the world, i really don’t want to elaborate, beyond the general sense they deserve to be respected for being parents a conservative-type view, also don’t have basic sense of morality, as in sympathy, for everyone, and instead do the whole us|them thing with their politics, the only problem is that we’re immigrants which is why they vote democrat

-grandparents

                 are visiting, they are also unhygienic, to always be obeyed, generally judgemental, and intentionally old, and taking up both of my rooms, overall i don’t like any of them, my father’s mom is alright though

-generally shaming me

And otherwise everything is generally going to shit, my social life (though I saved it somewhat for ONE person), my mental/emotional health, my exercise, motivation for anything, just the way the house is set up, my grandparents are here, how i’m doing in school.

I should write the thesis and really flesh this out well but I’ll tell you what: ultimately my parents are selfish people who don’t consider me my own entity but more as themselves and my achievements combined. ANd even if you love me, which I don’t doubt, I don’t have to love you back, and that doesn’t excuse your shittiness, dad. I fucking hate you. (yes. i’m grateful for the money, house, generally not obviously abusive childhood, food, stuff, bed, phone, etc. you have provided, but that doesn’t cancel out your misdeeds, it just coexists next to it)

Like is it SO bad for me to blame SOME of my issues with them? BUT NO if I ever bring up how they did x so i did y. I did y ON PURPOSE to UPSET THEM and i can’t hold them accountable, i’m just blaming them, even if I’m genuinely trying to explain my issues the way I understand them.

idr if you can edit tumblr documents, and even if you can, i’m not going to, i’ll just add to this with comments, to preserve the integrity, not that anyone will or should read this, but i’ll probably come back to it

[phoenxwright]

I promise you rn, I am in no way bashing you. But I saw a post where it was someone asking about head canons, and one of them was where narumayo is canon and nobody dies, and you responded that you'd rather have canon narumitsu where edge dies because maya could channel and you'd do anything in your power to make sure narumayo doesn't become canon. I think narumitsu and both narumayo are great ships, but why the whole "narumayo will never become canon" thing? please don't take this the wrong way

It’s okay!!! Let me explain and first off im gonna say that i don’t want to start stuff with people who like naru///mayo and I’m genuinely not trying to offend anyone but I’ve got some strong opinions about this. The problem with narum//ayo is that the situation it would take place in is creepy and also not in line with the characters at all. Phoenix meets maya when she is 16 years old and he is 24. Now i don’t know about you, but if I was 24 and I met a minor and formed a friendship with them, I wouldn’t be able to think about them romantically in any context. You basically watched this kid grow up and mature while you were physically and mentally more mature than them and it’s sleezy to think that phoenix would turn the meaningful platonic relationship he had with maya into something romantic. That’s just not in his character or his personality. There’s plenty of evidence to suggest that he thinks of her as a family member such as the scene in AJ when Apollo asks if a niece or nephew sent him the Steel Samurai DVDS (it was obviously maya) and phoenix replies “Yeah, something like that”. And I know that UMVC3 isn’t canon or whatever but the characters are still in-character in the universe of the game and phoenix has a winning line that even sarcastically refers to maya as his kid

It is especially gross if you ship them during the original trilogy when maya is a literal teenager in all of the games. The dynamic between the two is already established, with maya being the mischievous little sister character and phoenix the more rational big brother. The levels of maturity between the two are clearly shown and distinguished, and even in the later games phoenix comments several times on how she is “the same old maya”. The dynamic between the two is basically the same in AA6.

This ship just rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons and it genuinely makes me uncomfortable to think about. Ships like this make minors think it’s ok to be with older people and it normalizes it for them. I could write so much more but i have like 2 English papers due this week and am so tired lmao

[minblush]

okay honestly iwasn't expecting much then serendipity came out and my expectations went to the sun but then ?????? i don't like dna that much and the songs sound like coming from a generic pop album with korean lyrics and voices i can distinguish between. i'm not fan of the sound they picked for most of the song in general and i'm so disappointed, i like them enough to not skip them if they play radomly but i don't think i will seek them. (1)

Anonymous said:bang pd said he doesn’t have plans to debut them in the usa but the album sounds very much like a goddamn us debut. i mean it’s good to try things but don’t forget who you said you are, what you wanted to represent. i’m so disappointed but i’ll listen to the album until i like all the song because i love these boys to bits and i know they worked hard, i just hope they will see the feedbacks that can help them improve and that bighit will wake the fuck up (2)

yeah i don’t like dna at all actually, it’s just ??? and has no chorus and not catchy, so it’s not going to do well with the public in korea and it’s just? sounds like hm like messy exo songs? idek. but yeah apart from that i actually like the sound, it’s very western (though dated) but it borrows from music that i liked back in the day, so i can jam to a whole lot of those songs, but yeah… i have a different opinion about the american debut thing, actually my theory is that they won’t ever really officially debut because bang pd knows the market isn’t there that way, but they will try to appeal as much as possible to get the best results they can (the boys said themselves they want to have achievements set in -history-) so i think they are just using the western interest to get a legendary status in korea, because most of bangtan’s media play is based on their international popularity, like even seeing them working with the chainsmokers, the backlash from the international fandom WAS HUGE, no way they missed that, but they still said at the conference they are planning on working with them even in the future, because in korea it’s different, they’re western artists so it’s an achievement in on itself, so that’s how i see it

jinnie-kitty-princess said:Its okay hun you’re entitled to your opinion 💕 Doesn’t make you an anti

i know! thank you though ♥

Anonymous said:not everything needs to be that deep

did you even read what i said? no, it doesn’t, but when someone tells you something is deep and means something and then it doesn’t well… that’s a problem, isn’t it?

Anonymous said:i 100% agree with what ur saying dude i thought i was going insane with all these ppl blindly praising it

i wouldn’t say blindly, some people just genuinely like it and that’s ok ;;

Anonymous said:i honestly don’t like how much power the boys hold over me but i jsut sit sometiems and think that if not for them i’d have nothing to be passionate about and feel sad about myself and realize how miserable i am. then i just start thinking about them and something blooms inside of me, being their fan is a curse as much as it is a blessing and i can’t change it no matter how much i try (don’t want to) i always hold myself when i talk about them because i hate how people mock and don’t understand

yeah i understand how you feel, i’ve been that way for a long time tbh… until i got a job and then it just ended up being different, but listen there is nothing wrong with how you feel, you obviously love and need them for something right now and that’s okay, other people don’t matter, just stay as long as they make you happy, don’t force anything

Anonymous said:They always said they wouldn’t succumb to English and keep doing their own stuff but to me it sounds like american mainstream music. Overall I think it’s an ok album, they didn’t loose the Bangtan Touch but they had such a busy year and they def rushed it in production. I wouldn’t mind if they took more time, honestly. I’m afraid to speak my mind because everyone’s so hyped rn but I’m afraid they’re gonna realise it isn’t a great album and BTS will end up loosing their popularity and support :(

haha i always felt like that was just media play, they just said that to get positive points in korea tbh, but like i said above i don’t think they will go for it totally officially, maybe some english collabs but that’d be once again for the cred, but we’ll see… we know for a fact they rushed the album because it was only finished and mixed a week after the preorders started LOL… so yeah.. i actually like half of the album but i really like western music so there’s that, i think more than it being western..the problem is it’s a bit dated in sound and the lyrics are too shallow, so they can’t say now they are doing something different from other boybands in that area with this album, but i don’t think they will lose popularity, they’ll keep getting bigger for quite a while in my opinion

Anonymous said:Im the slowest little pebble that got a bunch of backlash from your followers but at some point I guess I do agree. Like if I was listening to the album without any concept attached, I love it. But if I look at it with the concept and what “they” said they were trying to potray then its pretty crap.

i’m sorry!!! ;-; but yeah… i just read the lyrics and was like… oh… i really like pied piper for the lyrics, super self-aware but also kinda a diss against the fans? lol.. apart from that there are just a few verses that actually say anything… like that’d be okay but it’s bangtan and they used to do more, and mostly they promised more this time as well

[super-rainbows]

tnhbrevcwqxe

Rainbow: it’s okay. try and calm down.

Ethan: I guess. I know I was saying this yesterday (but the whole reason I’m making this post is to say it, anyway), but 1. what is the point of coming off codeine if they won’t let me do DBT? Also, they need to stop telling me that I’m making my own decisions as if saying that will somehow make it true. If I could never have control over anything before, it’s hypocritical to pretend I do now. Especially when they’re the ones who decide whether I can do DBT or not, regardless of what I say or do. At any second they can just be like “no, never mind”. Technically I can do that too, but that doesn’t disadvantage them; the only possibilities are them disadvantaging me, or me disadvantaging myself. That isn’t equal. And if I did decide to disadvantage myself for some reason, they could just refuse to help me at all in response. As in, they could just be like “oh, you don’t want to [whatever]? well then you can’t ever come here again, bye”. It’s stupid and unfair to pretend they aren’t the ones with power over me when they are.

Rainbow: yeah, I see what you mean. sorry if I/we play into that by always saying you can make your own decisions.

Ethan: It’s different when you say it, because you aren’t secretly saying “you can “make a decision” but I’ll ruin your life/refuse to help you/whatever if you don’t pick the decision I want you to”. All you can do is disapprove. You don’t have the power to take me off the medication I’m on, prevent me from ever accessing any mental health service again, etc. (In theory I guess you could sort of try to do those things, but for one thing you wouldn’t, and for another thing the power you have is less permanent etc) But really, why would they be like “you can make your own decision but it has to be the one we want or else” and/or “no matter what “decision” you make we’re going to prevent you from accessing some kind of therapy, but you’re the one “making the decision” so it’s your fault”?

Rainbow: *hugs* are you gonna keep coming off codeine, though?

Ethan: Like I (sort of) said, I don’t have any fucking choice. Every single person I know is still going to pressure me to come off it no matter what.

Rainbow: well, we’ll support you if you want, just so someone won’t be pressuring you as much. in our case it really is just because we love you.

Ethan: That’s fine. You both get a pass to harass/pressure/criticise me, because at least for you I know it’s at least partially because you genuinely care about me or whatever, as opposed to that you just don’t like me doing anything you personally disapprove of.

Rainbow: lol. I’d correct you, but you seem pretty pissed off, lol. xD I’m sure under different circumstances you’d know that a similar thing applies to other people. your mom can get fucked, her opinion doesn’t matter, don’t bother trying to consider her. more like ______, _________, ___, ___, etc. they care about you. maybe they potentially also have some personal bias against drug addicts and are like “ew you get high to cope?” but I’m reasonably sure that most if not all of the reason they want you off codeine is because they love you and care about you.

Ethan: You’re right, but I don’t feel like properly acknowledging it right now.

Rainbow: lol yeah fair enough.

Ethan: Anyway, the point is, the cluain mhuire people were basically like “if you come off codeine you can do dbt”, but then, now that I’m nearly off it, suddenly decided to change and be like “actually never mind, you don’t get to do dbt. but keep coming off codeine anyway even though you now have no reason to and nothing to even try to replace it with”. Like, was this their plan all along? To lie to me and trick me into coming off codeine by making a fake promise to actually try to help me? Or is it some kind of test to see if I’m “””committed””” enough to continue doing a benefitless thing I don’t even want to do, for no reason at all? I am gonna continue just so that I can see what it’s like without it (and also since if I do go to America, it’d be better to be off it than either trying to bring some with me and/or going through withdrawals while I’m there), but I’ll probably just take either it or something else up again in September/October because I’ll need some kind of coping strategy. Like seriously, it was unfair enough that they were like “you can’t be given any new coping skills until after you completely drop your current effective one”, though at least that had some kind of justification, but now they’re just like, “you must completely drop your only effective coping skill, and you don’t get anything to replace it with”. What do they expect me to do? I’m sure they also want me to function and pretend to be a regular human being, and not to self harm or get high on anything else, so ??? It’s basically just like saying “just stop being mentally ill. bye”. ?????

Rainbow: sorry if this is like... bad or whatever, but either way, congratulations on getting down to 3 a day. 

Ethan: It’s literally just because 1. I don’t really have to do anything, and 2. I’m supplementing it with caffeine and pseudoephedrine, and/or whatever else is convenient. 

Rainbow: I know, but still. 10/10 you. or, I guess, 8/10? to account for the supplementing? lol

Ethan: Also, what problem do I even have?

Rainbow: autism, bpd, and trauma, and they’re inter-related.

Ethan: ?

Rainbow: the autism is permanent obviously, and affects the other two. I’ll split the trauma into sexual and emotional. the emotional one clearly affects you all the time; the effects of the sexual ones fluctuate but at least some are also always observable. in both cases you (and we) have kinda adjusted to a lot of the effects/symptoms/whatever and consider them “normal”. you generally have at least some bpd traits affecting you at all times, especially if you consider kinda minor/subtle ones. rn the most obvious bpd things affecting you are the emptiness thing and the lack of emotional permanence (which is why you’re being like “why don’t I feel anything?? I have never felt anything in my life!!! what am I???” etc and thinking that because you haven’t been having major/noticeable symptoms in the past like 2 weeks, that you suddenly don’t have bpd or trauma anymore)

Ethan: Well, either way it’s inconvenient that whatever problems I may or may not have won’t just stay still and stay the same so that I can know what they are and “deal with them” or make them go away. and it doesn’t count if they go away without me making them go away, because if they disappear suddenly for no reason then that’s the same as them never having existed or been real in the first place.

Rainbow: that’s the lack of emotional permanence thing, see? lol. you still have bpd, don’t worry. :P anyway, as a convenient example: if the ps4 decided to work properly the next time you tried it, it would still very much be the case that it’s refused to work for the past month or whatever.

Ethan: That’s like saying, “if all the problems disappear then you’ll still have attempted suicide 6 times”. That is, that’s not the point, and is irrelevant to what I’m saying. If the ps4 started working again, that would mean that it doesn’t have anything wrong with it, and the power supply doesn’t need to be replaced, and there is no problem. And if there isn’t any inherent problem, then clearly there never was, and it not working was just some coincidence.

Rainbow: I see what you mean. I’m sorry (sympathy) that your mom ruined all the good words/phrases, lol. I’m trying to think of some combination that’ll convey the same thing as what I want to say but hasn’t been ruined by her saying it passive-aggressively or with a secret other meaning, but yeah, idk. should we come up with a symbol or phrase that means something like “I’m not secretly mad at you/I’m saying this genuinely/I’m not being passive-aggressive”? then I can tack it onto what I want to say and it won’t be bad/upsetting anymore?

Ethan: *shrugs* * might work for that, since we already use it to disambiguate. Or possibly ~ since we sort of used that to mean “I love you” etc? And it means “approximately” so that works too.

Rainbow: hmm. idk.

Jamie: ~ is a bigger and more noticeable symbol? And also people already use ~ as punctuation to indicate they’re saying things in a kinda gentle, floaty way? So I think ~ is good unless you wanna use * either. Or we could use both, lol. :P

Ethan: ~ is good.

Rainbow: yeah, same. 10/10

Jamie: Thank you. :P

Rainbow: so yeah ~there doesn’t seem to be much point trying to argue with you rn~

Ethan: *shrugs* Oh, also, we could use * for “interpret rationally” and ~ for “interpret lovingly”.

Rainbow: lol. I don’t think there’s much point distinguishing because for what I said, there isn’t a huge difference between either interpretation. idk about other statements, but yeah. anyway yeah ~I’m sorry if I upset you or anything

Jamie: Do we always have to disambiguate when something isn’t intended passive-aggressively?

Rainbow: nah, I’d say only if Ethan (or one of us) would interpret it that way otherwise.

Jamie: ^

Rainbow: lol

Jamie: Even though thumbs-up symbols are okay now, you kinda can’t do emojis on a computer keyboard. Well, I guess if I was willing to just manually copy-paste them or something.

Ethan: The computer doesn’t really display emojis, so there’d be kinda no point, especially if you tried to copy-paste the right one from a list.

Jamie: lol

Ethan: You could just type a kanji or something for the same effect, except I think those do usually display. :P When should I go to bed/sleep?

Rainbow: ideally soon, but I mean you took caffeine and sudo like 4 hours ago? possibly less? I don’t really see you falling asleep anytime soon, lol. you need to be up at like 9:30, right?

Ethan: Yeah.

Rainbow: lol, good luck. also, it’s okay (about exams). you’re gonna be fine. <3

Ethan: Thank you. :P 

Rainbow: it’s worth a shot trying to call the hse place tomorrow, and if that doesn’t work then you can try at 8 (or whenever) on Tuesday and then if that doesn’t work then you can try at 9ish on Tuesday. 

Ethan: I definitely wanted to say something else, but I can’t remember what. Oh, this isn’t relevant at all, but I’m kinda surprised that even though I’ve lowered the codeine dose so drastically, food anxiety still hasn’t come back.

Rainbow: I can see why that makes you feel “fake” or whatever, but I mean since it usually does tend to come back eventually, I would say just enjoy your ability to eat without having panic attacks for now, lol. and you can always have some of my anxiety, lol. oh also, regardless of anxiety or lack of, you still don’t have the healthiest behaviours, mindset etc. 

Ethan: But why would anyone care about that?

Rainbow: *shrugs* I wanna say that normal people don’t/wouldn’t do things like take fiber pills instead of eating, take stimulants just for the laxative and/or metabolism-raising effects, drink straight vinegar because it supposedly helps weight loss, etc, but tbh I have no idea. maybe they do? I know that doesn’t help at all, lol, sorry. I mean those don’t seem like “healthy” behaviours, but “normal” people do do a lot of weird shit, so idk.

Rainbow: are you okay? lol, at least you’re distressed now, so you’re aware that you do in fact experience distress. xD

Ethan: I think it’s more like resentment than distress.

Rainbow: yeah. I meant negative emotions in general, I guess.

Ethan: I wish whatever problem I supposedly have would just stay still and consistent so I could know what I was and whether it was improving or not. Instead of just randomly changing and fluctuating all the time. Like how am I meant to solve whatever “problem” I have if one week it’s anxiety and another week it’s dpdr and another week it’s anger? I’m sure it all falls under “trauma and/or bpd” but that isn’t helpful since both of those things are basically like saying “every possible symptom”. Like, yes, it is “a symptom”, but that doesn’t convey any information whatsoever, and is completely useless when it’s a different symptom every week to month anyway.

Rainbow: yeah, that makes sense.

Ethan: Do you think bpd was a misdiagnosis?

Rainbow: no, I don’t think so. that’s the short/immediate answer, anyway. you always tend to assume that not experiencing a given thing right now is the same as not having experienced it ever and not tending to in general, so you’re basically being like “I’m not having any major problems at this exact second, therefore I don’t have any mental illnesses and never did” which isn’t how it works.

Ethan: *shrugs*

Rainbow: if you want one thing to focus on that’s constant, your fucked up thought patterns are seemingly always there. I know they fluctuate too, but you always (on whatever level) believe things like “being mad at someone = hating them and wishing death on them”, “not experiencing something right now = it never having existed in the first place”, etc.

Ethan: If that somehow went away then nothing would be constant.

Rainbow: lol. ideally I think maybe if the things like that went away then some other problems would too? but yeah, things like dissociation probably wouldn’t be directly affected by thought processes. do you wanna go to bed?

Ethan: I guess.

Rainbow: you can just try/pretend to sleep a bit at some point, lol.

Ethan: How is anyone ever helped by talk therapy?

Rainbow: idk

Ethan: Like, it doesn’t do anything? You just talk and then that’s it. How is that supposed to affect anything? If it was in addition to some actual/practical thing, maybe, but otherwise I don’t see how it would do anything unless it was like “now that I’ve acknowledged the problem, it’s gone”, which is what I was always like with crushes when I was younger (that is, as soon as I said it to anyone it would disappear for some reason).

Rainbow: lol

Ethan: Although even with the “say the problem and then it’ll disappear” thing, that would rely on someone actually believing you, and nobody believes anything I say. Like the therapist last week apparently believed me by accident but then remembered he wasn’t supposed to.

Rainbow: ~lol ~(at how you’re interpreting that)

Ethan: I would ask how you would interpret it, but all you’d do is say I’m wrong.

Rainbow: that’s not what I’d be trying to say. well, okay, I guess it is, but not like that. I’m not really sure what he was going for either, tbh. like, either it is abusive (which, imo, it is), or it’s not, not “it is abusive but pretend it isn’t” or whatever.

Ethan: He said it was but then took that back, implying that it isn’t, then basically said that it isn’t but he’s willing to pretend it is. And I guess it’s good that he’s willing to pretend that I have any right to be affected by things, but it isn’t very good pretending if he also tells me outright that he doesn’t believe that at all.

Jamie: @.Rainbow: @.what you just thought: Seriously, fuck off with that. Anyway, I’m not super sure what he was going for either, but I sort of get the impression that 1. he said “that sounds abusive” without thinking (okay, we all knew that already), and 2. for some reason he thinks that if he explicitly categorises your mum’s actions as abusive, then you’ll be inclined to act on that in some way? That’s the impression I get, I guess. 

Ethan: I guess he doesn’t necessarily not think that, but that’s a completely ridiculous thing to think since I’ve made it obvious that I avoid conflict at all costs. And that doesn’t prevent it from also being the case that he said it by accident or like as an exaggeration or something, while actually believing the opposite.

Rainbow: why say “that sounds abusive” if what you’re thinking is “that sounds like a completely reasonable way to treat a young child”? point I’m making is that I don’t think that is what he was thinking.

Ethan: It might’ve been more like “that isn’t ideal but not actually bad”, as in, pretty much the same as what I assume already.

Rainbow: *sighs dramatically* you literally told him that it would help if he was validating instead of saying/implying that you have no right to feel whatever way you do, so  w h y  the fuck did he decide to say that?

Ethan: Well, just ‘cause I said that would help doesn’t mean he’s actually inclined to do it.

Rainbow: I wish I could just talk directly to him or something, idk.

Ethan: It’s probably unreasonable for me to just want to be validated and told that it makes sense to feel whatever way I do. That is, I don’t just want to demand something ridiculous like that.

Rainbow: ...

Ethan: You’re acting like it’s reasonable, but I really don’t think it is. It’s not like you’ve never thought/felt/believed any unreasonable thing. :P

Rainbow: true but I’m usually right in relation to you and it’s usually obvious (even to me) when I’m not. also go to bed soon.

Ethan: Okay.