#i’ve been crying basically non-stop and i have a constant headache FROM the crying

[stilesscott]

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[sopxhiea]

Tense

Alfie Solomons X Reader

| Prompt

“I don’t know where all this crap about me being a ‘difficult person’ is coming from. I’m a constant fucking delight.”

“I could do that, but I won’t.” 

A sigh leaves your lips.

It’s one of those days when your ‘uncontrollable anger’ is getting the best of you. The world seems to be on the other side today, kicking you and using every chance it got to make the days a little more unbearable. You shake your head as you walk through the doors one by one, feeling tired and frustrated.

You don’t kick down the door this time, you lack the energy.

You let Ollie open the door with a small murmur of ‘there you go’. You ignore the remark and go in, there’s more than one gangster in the room. You recognise the woman, you recall her name to be Lizzie. You’d seen him in Tommy’s party last christmas with arms around the man. 

Thomas is sitting on one of the chairs, Lizzie is close to him with a hand over his shoulder. You wonder if she’s as sly as she looks, it makes you think of Pol and how easily she wraps men around her finger. You turn around the room on your heels.

Then your eyes met his.

He’s slouching like he usually is when he sits, he looks at you with warm eyes but you just roll yours. You’re too tried to bicker with Alfie like you usually do, there’s so much pent up anger you have inside that you find it hard to sit down.

You don’t greet anyone, just wait for them to speak about this new business deal they want to tackle down. It’s got you, the jews and the Shelby clan involved so you reckon it’ll take some time to get to the final chase. You don’t possess the energy, you just want to learn about the deal and leave as soon as you can.

The next hour involves a lot of talking, Lizzie seems smart as she speaks about Tommy’s plan. You wonder if he chose her or she forced him, she seems intelligent enough to tackle down a man like Tommy. Alfie’s eyes are on you the whole time, almost like he’s checking up on you as you listen with no words coming out of your mouth.

He sees the frustration, he recognises it. The sleepless nights and screwed deals are taking their toll on you, it breaks his heart a little but he doesn’t mention it. You nod after Tommy finishes the last of his words, waiting for any questions that might inquire as you’re usually the one to point out the flaws in such a contract.

You don’t say anything and watch Alfie converse with him instead. He asks something about the Italians first and then about the bookies. He cracks a joke and casts a look at you to see if you find him amusing like you tend to, there’s no smile on your face. He speaks, the words are directed at you.

“Luv, aren’t you a little ray of pitch black.” You chuckle at the end at the words, Alfie feels like he won something after making you smile but the action is a mere reflex to his words rather than the amusement you find in them.

You don’t speak so Lizzie does, your eyes travel to her hands on Tommy’s shoulders, feels like she’s keeping a leash on the man but you don’t blame her, all men are animals anyway.

“Tommy had told me that you were quite...” she speaks, looking down to find the words but Tommy finishes the sentence.

“Difficult.” the blue eyed man spits and you get up from where you’re sitting, the exhaustion taken over by anger and frustration and Alfie watches.

It’s his favourite version of you.

Your eyes wide and your chest rising with each word you speak, Alfie thinks anger is the best look on you. You can’t help it anyway, years of pent up feelings and acting like you were heartless take a toll on you and you pour the negative emotions over the next person you see.

He loves to see it.

The screaming sound of your voice as sarcasm soon takes over, you use it as a shield and cover yourself well. He’s seen you rile up man thrice your size with much more power, your words cut deeper than any butcher’s knife he’s laid his eyes on and he, quite frankly, cannot get enough.

You shake your head as you speak, walking around the room as your anger pours out, eyes struggling to keep open wide while the room is solely focused on you.

“I don’t know where all this crap about me being a ‘difficult person’ is coming from. I’m a constant fucking delight.”

You chuckle while speaking, Alfie can sense the frustration in your tone while Tommy picks up at the bored part. Lizzie smiles at your words, looking down as to say that you’d confirmed every little detail Tommy told her about you, you don’t mind that he did but being called ‘difficult’ irks you.

If a man did what you did, he’d be stern and powerful whereas you’re just ‘difficult’.

Alfie chuckles at your words as well, he gets up and picks up a stash of paper he had laying around and starts writing. You know he likes to do that when he’s having ideas about a deal so you don’t bother him with more antics.

You release your breath, the day has been so hard on you that all you can feel is the want to be in bed, all on your own and cry you heart out. You know gangsters and businessmen don’t do that, they bury emotions and never speak of the notion again but even though you’ve worked continuous years as a businesswoman, you can’t physically ignore the feelings.

You need a good fuck, Alfie thinks.

He’s seen the anger first hand many times, it rises above you like a tornado you let yourself get lost in. He enjoys the sight whenever he gets the chance but he also happens to think that you need someone tire the fire in you out. You need to see stars and use the anger in you in a non-threatening manner so that you release it.

He shakes his head at the thought, he doesn’t mind that they’re inappropriate but he returns to the same thoughts a little too much.

He watches as you speak to Lizzie about Karl and Charlie and ask if she’s alright, too. He knows you don’t care in the slightest but you’re nice enough to keep basic manners, like he sometimes forgets to do. The pent up anger you so badly have under control is partly sexual frustration, too. And Alfie can see right through that.

You turn to his gaze, it’s been following you like a hawk since you came in and he knows you won’t shy away from it. You look at him with a devilish smile and he swears he’s ready to sell his soul to satan if you’d ask him. But you don’t.

You tell him you’re leaving, eager to get out and he offers to walk you to the door. You shake your head, murmuring something to yourself about chivalry but he can’t see it, all he sees is how you move in the dress. You enjoy the admiration and lust the man seems to have but you’re far too tired for that.

That doesn’t stop you.

You’re at the door, leaving as you say your final goodbye to the man twice your size but something in you is intrigued. You shake your head, it’s the high from being awake for so long but you just spit the words out.

“Alfie..” you whisper, breathy voice as you inch closer so that your chest is touching his.

“I need to get off, get some rest so you probably won’t be able to contact me unless you go through my assistant.” you speak, eyes seductive. He knows of the game you’re playing, he’s very fond of it himself. He lowers his eyes and speaks, visions of you riding him in his mind.

He mumbles something, you can’t make it out. 

You’re frustrated and his effect on you isn’t helping. “Just fucking speak up, Alfie, I really do-” you speak but he’s fast to cut you off.

“I said you look fuckin’ gorgeous today.” he says, a waver of shock flicks through your eyes and he enjoys the sudden emotions you seem to have.

You smiled, it had been involuntary from the way your eyes shot up and he enjoyed your state. It wasn’t like he got to see you blush everyday. It was not the first time he’d complimented you but it had been the first to get you all flustered.

You chuckled, trying to cover the fact that you were taken back. His eyes landed on your lips, staring at them for way too long. A groan left his lips when you tested him by running your lips over the pink flesh, he seemed like he was hypnotised.

“You gonna kiss me, Mr. Solomons?” you spoke, a teasing tone in your voice that made him smile almost apologetically. 

It was amusing to see man twice your age be flustered by the smallest of remarks. He was actually quite cold to the people around but everyone was very well aware of the fact that he had a soft spot for you and spoiled that spot to no end. 

His eyes landed on your lips again, you did the same. You watched him speak, his plump lips moved with vigour as he did so. “I could do that, but I won’t.”

You smiled, watching stars dance in his blue orbs while the sound was a mere melody to his ears. You spoke, your curious gaze met his lustful one. “Why not?”

He doesn’t have the answer to that.

He wants to kiss you, you can tell by his hungry gaze and how he leans closer every time you speak. It’s not because he can’t hear you, you know he does when a light blush rises on his cheeks after your last words. You’re young, he thinks but he also knows you wouldn’t dare to ask such questions.

He knows you know what you want and he knows the tingling on your lips by the way you keep licking them. He wants to lean closer and savour the foreign feeling, it takes everything for him to not kiss you senseless right then and there. He gains control and tries to shake it off.

“You’re proper fuckin’ lady, innit? Gotta take you some place nice before I kiss ya’.” he speaks and it makes you scoff, he hadn’t seem like the gentlemen type but everyday is a surprise, you say to yourself and nod at the words.

“Guess I am that.” you say, nodding once more as to let him know. You want to take your leave but it’s impossible to move under his gaze.

“Not a guess, right, you..” he points at you “..are the prettiest lass I’ve seen ‘round.” he spoke, making you shake your head at the words.

“Flattery won’t get you anywhere with me.” you spoke, the headache you once had long gone.

“Not tryna’ do that, luv..” he breathed out, the conversation flew easily. “...just sayin’ what I think, yeah.” he said, smiling at the end of the sentence.

“Well, I appreciate that, Alfie..” you spoke, the need to escape was forgotten as you waited for him to end the conversation.

“Say, lass..” he spoke once more, hand on his beard as he look at you. “You got a man of your own?” he asked, blunt as he tried to refrain from interfering too much. 

But much to his surprise, you were defensive.

“Why are you asking?” you spoke, hands meeting as he tried to come up with a good enough answer.

“Jus’ fuckin’ curious, doll. No funny business, right.” he said, eyes still on you to measure up your reaction.

“Well, I’ll keep that to myself then.” you speak, a mocking smile on your lips as you eye the man but your words anger him, making him jealous of the non-existent man so he took the liberty to interfere at last.

“If you, yeah, are gonna’ keep that to your pretty little self, right..” he spoke, hands moving with each word. “..tell the lad to fuck you a lil’ better next time, it’ll help with your fuckin’ anger..” he spoke, your eyes widened as he took the liberty to take another look at you from head to toe. You scoffed, voice defensive as you practically threw fire against his already burning side.

“You have no righ-” you shout but he cuts you off, hands moving through the air again.

“’m not tryna rile ya up, lass, right, jus’ sayin’ that anger of yours will come fuckin’ handy in bed if the lad knows what he’s fuckin’ doin’.” he speaks, you hate that he’s so blunt but he makes sense, you see his point but do not acknowledge it.

“There’s no lad, alright?” you speak, eyes defensive as you speak with a stern voice. “It’s me on my fucking own.” you whisper, praying that he doesn’t hear the last part but he does.

And he’s alone too, so he sees this as the perfect fit.

You lift your hands in a defensive manner and speak up before he has a chance to pray. “I don’t even know why I’m saying this to you.” you breathe out but he doesn’t respond.

“I’ll go..” you nod at your own words and get ready to turn around but he catches you by the arm and makes you turn to him in a swift motion. You meet his eyes, ignoring the thud of your heart against your chest at the close proximity of the man. 

You spoke once again. 

“I just wish you’d kiss me again.”

-

Tagging: @parkbearum​ @clairecrive​ @sourirez​ @bicevans​ @mollybegger-blog​

[suggable]

Im going to write down my second experience seeing Day6 live mostly for me, but feel free to read it after the break if you want (please do not reblog it tho) ✨ a little warning i’ll probably get very emotional and personal and this is going to be Very long and probably will get incoherent at some point!!!!!

I saw Day6 yesterday in Madrid for the second time, and not to be dramatic but it was probably one of the best experiences of my life 😭💕 I already had lots of fun last year but this year’s concert was not only fun but very meaningful for me.

As some of you may know I finally finally finished this week my architecture studies after 6 and a half very long and tough years. The last two have been especially hard, aproximately the same ammount of time I’ve been following Day6 closely. When I first discovered their music I immediately fell in love with it, and I fell in love again when i got to know them. I can positively say they’re the closest artists to my heart, my soulmate band. I do love and appreciate a lot of other artists but the way I love day6 it’s.... unparalled. I’m gonna stop being cheesy now hfjjsjka but knowing that I was going to see them again and meet them after all the constant exhaustion that my master’s has been has given me so much strenght during those all nighters and endless days working on my project kjfdkjjks 

I’m privileged enough to have been able to get vvips tickets this time but tbh that’s not important, the whole experience of the concert it’s what makes it worth it. Me and my friends decided not to go queueing very early bc we wanted to be well rested and we knew we were going to have a good spot in any case. We were so lucky yesterday’s weather was sort of warm, considering our awful awful experience from last year jkdjkskj. I’m so happy we were so prepared this time, we brought lots of snacks and blankets for the queue. We also prepared some fanart freebies to share and trade and it was the nicest experience, everyone there was so so lovely!!! I had such a great time only waiting in line and chatting with myday ^^ After we got out numbered wristbands we picked up our signed entropy copies. I got the “Sweet” version which is my fave!!! I traded around the pcs so i ended up with all Sungjin and Dowoon jhjfhjsdj (and the loveliest Dopil pc 😭❤) I was so happy we didnt have any trouble with queueing or numbering this time!!!!! Then we went for lunch and almost didn’t make it back on time bc it took us ages to get out meals n we wanted to leave all the heavy stuff and coats at the car jdfjkdkjskk but!!! we made it thanks to the lovely people next to us in the queue!!!

We finally got into the venue (which is so big!!! and we filled it!! im so PROUD) and my friends were headed to the left side where Jae is but I noticed the middle section was also kind of empty so we ran there kjkjfd and ended up in 2nd-3rd row!!! so we were in the middle and had a great view of everyone ^^ i felt kind of bad bc the people around us had been queueing from 3am and we’d arrived at 8:30 :P also next to us there was this korean girl who runs a Dowoon fansite and she was very nice and polite and she must kind of hate now me a bit bc I didn’t stop moving and jumping  i hope her pics came out nicely anyway!!! we only had to wait for an hour inside n we had lots of sweets to keep our energy up so it was quite alright :)

when they boys came out i noticed i had the clearest Sungjin visual so I ended up looking at him most of the time kjfjdkkkdksd i just couldn’t help it like the pics don’t do him justice he’s just so cute and expressive and makes the funniest faces when playing!!! and sort of bounces when playing which is the Cutest thing!!!!  there was some sort of problem with his guitars at first n seemed a bit annoyed but it turned out alright!! I also paid lots of attention to Jae bc he has Such Energy performing, the truest hype man!!! when he plays you can see he’s genuinely enjoying himself and loves myday so so much :(((( he interacted a lot with us!! 

Dowoon was also in front of me but he was covered most of the time by his drumset :(( I could see him making all these baby bird pouty faces or mouthing the lyrics and it was.... so CUTE :((((( he’s so cute i 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 also i was in awe at his drumming technique like he’s so so so talented and you can clearly see how much he loves it!!! He’s the best boy!!!

I had to move my head a bit to see YoungK and Wonpil and I tried my best looking at everyone when they were singing, but my eyes would automatically go back to Sungjin jfdjskjkaskj I can tell you Young K is very VERY Atractive when performing, he has a sort of magnetism!! He also seemed soooo happy and would jump around non stop and smile at the fans and just Bless us in general!!! Wonpil was sort of serious when playing but you could tell he was concentrated !!! Also his piano and dj skills im!!!!!! like when he plays the Time of Our Life intro so easily!!! i play piano and let me tell you it is difficult as Fuck!!! he truly is so talented!! plus when he was talking with us he was so playful and cute :(((((

Some concert Highlights for me: hearing Best Part live, also So Cool, TOOL, Headache, wanna go back!!! how to love!!! SWEET CHAOS!!!! also hearing WARNING again which may easily be my fave song of them now (well no...we all know it’s impossible to pick just one but yeah jkdfjskkç) also Colors!! when the first chords started playing i started tearing up n then the chorus came n i just broke down crying jsdsk I also cried during I Need Somebody and that bit when we sang back to them and we sang I Smile :((( also the fucking SOLOS hello most talented band in the universe????!!! but like for real they all sound so good live!!! i love that you can clearly hear the drums and keys and all the instruments, plus their vocals are just!! so!! good!!!!!! Jae and Young K went Mad with the adlibs I was living my best life!!!!! 

at some point i locked eyes with Sungjin n my potato brain decided the best thing i could do was to send a flying kiss his way so i did n he got so SHY!!!! and made a 😳😳😳😳 face jkdfjkjkjks i felt v awkward afterwards like i didnt know he was going to react that way jfdkjksa 

Also hearing them speaking spanish...fucking surreal...but when they did their ments in English!!! wow!!! they’ve gotten so good!!!! they kept saying they were so happy and this was the best way to end the tour and they’d grown so much, and reminding us to always be happy i :((((( Wonpil’s ment was the sweetest thing and he sent such an important message and I started crying again (and i made eye contact with Jae while ugly crying so i had to hid behind my banner jkdskjjkjdskks) and couldn’t stop through the whole length of their ments :(( i barely remember anything from young k’s bc i was trying to compose myself a bit jkfkjkjd Dowoon’s was so cute!!! He’d wait for the translator and make such funny faces i :((( Sungjin’s English and like Everything about him im so gone kjfkjjkds and then JAE’S...........

that was truly the Highlight of the night, what truly truly made everything special and what i hope will make them cherish and remember this night forever. So a bit of context: we had prepared a project where during For Me we would take out some prints of some of Jae’s encouraging and inspirational tweets and held them up. So at first Jae was surprised but I guess he didn’t have the time to read which specific tweets we were holing. Then during like the second half of the song he realised n got like v serious like he was trying not to cry...I remember Sungjin also realised bc he was looking at Jae just Knowing.... When we took the concert pics Jae asked us to take an extra one with the tweets bc he wanted it for himself....and then his MENT he thanked us for listening to him and letting him know we hear his words and basically acknowledge and validate him when he passes those life lessons to us and that it meant more than we could imagine....and he was getting more n more emotional n trying not to cry but im p sure he did...and then Sungjin and Wonpil came to his side n started doing this weird dance around him hdjfjjkskjsdkjskkkladsslk n cheered Jae up THEY’RE SO PRECIOUS :((((  but like moments prior u could see Sungjin just Waiting for it n smirking jkjkfdsjkjkkjs also the fact he immediately tweeted about it after the concert 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

the whole hi touch thing was such a fiasco but tbh i didnt have much hope to begin with jkfdjkdkjs they made us wear face masks as a prevention for the coronavirus break.........but it didnt really matter bc there was an insane number of vips so we were a LOT of pple for the hi touch...we were rushed n pushed n screamed at by both security n mmt staff....i was laughing at the whole absurdity of the situation n wonpil saw me hjdfkjksjks...we barely had time to say something and high five them but i did manage to say thank u to each of them n look them in the eyes at least!!! (they’re so beautiful from upclose!! and GIANTS! and sungjins eyes.........otherwordly) i felt so bad for the fans that were looking forward to it and for them as well bc you could see their apologetic faces....but anyways everything else went so well im not going to dwell on that!! so yeah i’ve met day6 but i barely remember anything kjjkdsjkd it feels like a fever dream :((((

but tbh considering everything it was the nicest experience!!! im so happy i had the chance to see them again n i hope they come back again!!! also i really wish they’d tour more cities, like there are so many mydays that deserve to see them too :((( 

ok im done with this whole essay like i could keep rambling and rambling but this is the most essential of it!!! if you also read this thank you!!!! please be happy and trust and listen to day6!!!❤💖💕✨🌟

[bluewritesbadly]

Level Seven: 33% Chance of Death

Bang, the last gunshot.

Fifteen minutes left until five o’clock, and the people on the second floor were panicking. Fairen paced up and down the hallway, her eyes dull. Emerson tried to calm her down. Non and Sayla sat next to each other, Sayla too frozen to be okay.

“Calm down, Fairen. It doesn’t do us any good to panic.”

Non nudged Sayla’s shoulder with her own. “Can you do me a favor?”

“‘Course. What do you need?”

Non eyed her carefully. She didn’t understand how Sayla would agree to something without knowing anything about who asked it, but she pushed the thought aside.“We need someone to go check on the other floors, and Fairen looks a little worse for wear. Would you climb up there and see how they’re doing?”

Sayla looked up to the ceiling. “Yeah, sure. I’ve got nothing else to do until five.”

She stood and walked to the elevator. Avoided Fairen’s worried questions. Non explained what she was doing.

“What? No way!” Fairen protested. “Sayla, you don’t know this hotel like I do. It’s safer if I go.”

Sayla smirked. She saluted in their direction, to copy Fairen, and jumped into the shaft, hands catching the wire as she chuckled. “I’ve climbed worse before. See you in a minute.”

She disappeared up the shaft.

At the third floor elevator doors, Sayla heard crying. She pulled herself up and into the hall, wiping her soon to be blistered hands on her jeans. One of the men at the front of the mess stood. He had pale skin and a look about him that made Sayla wary. She approached slowly.

“Hey,” she called out.

The man spun around to meet her, gun in hand. She shoved her hands up quickly.

“Woah. Don’t shoot, I’m from the second floor. Do you know Fairen? The woman in the blue that works here? She sent me to see if everybody’s okay. Well, everybody that’s left.”

The man lowered the gun, then looked at it as if he hadn’t realised he was holding it. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m just a bit jumpy. It’s been a long day. Wait, Fairen sent you?”

“Yeah. You know her?”

He nodded. “I’m Tallan. And, yeah, we’re not doing too great up here. How’s everyone on your floor?”

She grimaced. “Not good.”

Tallan gestured behind him. “We found the note by the gun, but it doesn’t make that much sense. Do you know anything about it?”

Sayla explained what happened on the first floor and told him what Fairen found in the sprinkler system. She watched him carefully as he took in her words. He didn’t look surprised. She filed that thought away for later.

“Now, I have to go and check on the fourth floor. Can you tell the rest of your people what’s going on?”

He nodded and sent her on her way.

The fourth floor wasn’t much different from the one below it. Sayla delivered her message and got out of the way, climbing back down the wires as the clock struck five o’clock. She was in the elevator bay when the wall made a noise.

Click.

“Non! Fairen! Get in here!” she called. “I found the next level!”

She pointed towards the section of wall that stuck out.

“Please tell me it’s not another gun,” Fairen muttered.

“No.” Non took a step forward. “This time it’s a button. Well, three buttons. With labels.”

Sayla picked up the paper resting near them.

“It says, ‘Level Seven has arrived, just three more to go. Choose one of the three floors that remain standing to kill off. If you do not choose within fifteen minutes, your floor will be the one eradicated. You can choose your own floor if you feel like self-sacrificing. Goodbye for now.”

She huffed a laugh, sounding slightly manic. “Wow, this dude is messed up.”

“Fourteen minutes left,” Non said. “We need to get everybody in here and make a decision.”

“Look how that worked out last time.”

Fairen went and told the crowd about the buttons. She came back with five people in tow, including the man who had helped Sayla drag away the bodies. Non stood in front of them with her head held high.

She reminded Fairen of a general in front of an army. The thought made her smile slightly.

“We have an important choice to make. We can choose the third or fourth floor and have them die, or we can choose our own floor and die ourselves. If we do not choose, we will die. Does anybody have any suggestions?”

Fairen sunk to the floor behind the group, slid down the wall with a sigh. She closed her eyes as the arguing started. Her headache had returned full force. Combined with the itch under her skin—a constant since she shot Adrian—she got the urge to throw up. She put her head between her knees and breathed deeply.

“Fairen,” Emerson called next to her. “You okay?”

“Yeah, fine.” Fairen tapped her fingers against her knee to ease the urge. “They come to a decision yet?”

“Um, I think so. Everybody here knows someone on the third floor, so I think we’re leaning towards pressing the fourth floor button. But there’s something I don’t understand. If every floor got the same choice, what if we all press each other’s buttons? Wouldn’t every floor die? That doesn’t make sense, because the note said there are three more rounds left.”

Fairen nodded. “Yeah. Do you think that means anything?”

“Well, in my psych class at UT, we watched this documentary about the Milgram Experiment. Basically, there was a person taking a test, and anytime they got the answer wrong, the person on the other side of the glass would receive an electric shock. The test would increase the voltage of electricity every time the test taker got an answer wrong. By the end, the test taker would beg to stop the test because the person on the other side of the glass was close to dead. They later found out the screaming was just a recording.

“What I’m trying to say is, what if this is all a sick game? What if he’s already chosen which floor is going to die, and he just wants us to suffer the psychological torment that those students did in the Milgram Experiment?” He leaned his head back to the wall. “I don’t know. It’s been a really long day.”

Fairen bumped her shoulder with his. “I get it. I think I watched a movie about that once. So you’re a student, yeah?”

“Yeah, I’m a senior in college back at Texas University. I wonder—”

“Five minutes,” Non shouted over the clamor. “We have to choose soon. Now, preferably.”

Fairen gave Emerson a smile and went to stand next to Non.

“Should we vote?” she suggested.

“Everybody who wants to press the second floor button, raise your hand.”

Nothing.

“Third floor.”

Two hands out of eight went up

“Fourth floor.”

Six hands, including Fairen and Emerson who looked like they’d rather not be voting.

Non took a deep breath in. She looked down into the box and let her hand hover over the buttons. “Are we sure about this?”

The people around her nodded and gave their agreement. Fairen grabbed Non’s shoulder and squeezed. Non let out the breath and pressed the fourth floor button, her other hand clenched into a fist at her side.

“It’s done.”

Sayla rubbed at her eyes. “What happens now?”

“I have no idea.” Non’s shoulders sagged.

An odd sound started above them, almost like it was raining indoors. Fairen got chills, repressed the urge to shiver. She knew what the noise was.

Then, thump.

“The sprinkler system,” she said quietly, as if she believed she would disturb the space around her, “And the elevator doors. They just closed. That-that means that the sprinklers went off. If it’s like downstairs, then there’s a ton of poison raining down on the fourth floor. The-the elevator doors shut, which means they can’t escape it, and they’re trapped on a floor filling up with poison. I’ve worked on those doors, I know the sound they make when they lock. That was it.”

Fairen sunk back down to the ground.

[katedownunder]

The uterus ninjas

With 3 weeks to go until the surgery, I’m actually feeling better about it all.  I’ve stopped crying, I feel more in control of the situation and I’m focusing on what cute Peter Alexander nightie I can buy for my hospital stay.

Looking back over the last week, mixed in with fear, I think a lot of my emotions were feelings of relief. Relief there is an end to it all. Relief I won’t continue to be a science experiment trying everything doctors throw at me. Relief that in a few months, it will all be over.

For me, endometriosis doesn’t just come with a shit load of pain (I’m pretty sure that’s the medical term), it comes with constant, unpredictable bleeding.  I was looking back through my Google calendar the other day to November 2015 (to prove my husband wrong about something…spoiler he wasn’t, I was). Back then my doctor had me tracking every day I was bleeding.

For November 2015 it was twenty days out of the month. Guys reading: don’t let the tampon ads give you the wrong idea; it’s not all horseback riding and swimming. Having your period sucks. Having your period for twenty days in one month sucks. Having that much bleeding every month for multiple years, that REALLY sucks.

Back in 2015, when my doctor had me tracking things, I remember she had me on yet another super pill that didn’t work. Over the years they’ve put me on every pill on the market in an attempt to fix things and balance my hormones. There was one that made me fat and didn’t work. There was one that made me fat and cranky all the time and didn’t work. There was another that made my boobs massive and didn’t work (this one was my husband’s favourite).  

There was also one that was really expensive and my Dr said was so strong there was no chance it wasn’t going to work. When I was still in pain and still bleeding non-stop, my doctor said “I can’t understand why this isn’t working, it’s almost medically impossible to not work given how strong it is”.  She then basically did one of these ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and we agreed that I must just be a high achiever.

Dealing with lots of blood, while uncomfortable and ruining your plans to wear white pants or enjoy your holidays, isn’t the worst part.  The pain is the kick in the gut (literally). When you have a headache or pain, you can take a painkiller and most of the time you’re good to go 20 minutes later. With my endometriosis, the pain comes in like “BAM!”, hangs around for anywhere from 2 mins to 15 mins and then is gone. It then might come back in 5 mins, 50 minutes or 5 hours later. It’s like living with a cat. “Are you going to scratch my face off now? In 5 minutes? Why are you tilting your head that way when you walk towards me cat?!”

The problem with pain like this is by the time it hits you, it’s too late to take painkillers. Also, just like Panadol doesn’t really help migraines, unless you take really strong medication, it barely makes any difference. You also shouldn’t take strong painkillers on a regular basis so it’s pretty much take a deep breath and try and get through it without looking like you’re holding in a massive fart.

Ok – I feel like this post has been more on the icky side, so let’s end on a happier note.

So far my favorite reaction to my surgery has come from my husband who I’m so lucky to have. He’s been beyond supportive during everything over the years. Even when I was a raging psycho on weird hormonal drugs he was always there by my side, while saying as delicately as he could “I think you may need to go back to the doctor as these drugs are making you loco…”.

When we sat down to talk about going ahead with the surgery one of the first things he said was “I’m going to have to buy you a longer iPhone charger cable so you don’t have to move too far to charge your phone while you’re recovering”. Now if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.