#i’ve never had someone make that kind of effort. that is the loveliest touch

[willyoulovemeinthemorning]

The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway (1/?)

Loki Laufeyson x Reader

Summary: You are a mutant with the powers of ice and cold and you have never been able to be touched or touch anyone without making them uncomfortable, or worse, hurting them. You’ve always desperately wished for physical affection, and it isn't until a new silver tongued Asgardian moves into the Avengers tower and takes an interest in you that anyone really dares to try to be physical with you.

Word Count: 2.6k

A/N: This part is pure fluff, but future chapters will be... more. 

Warnings: None for this chapter besides maybe a few cavities!

It had been like this since you’d been a child. You couldn’t remember a life without your ailment. You’d always seen it as a curse more than a blessing- but as you grew up and learned to control it to the best of your abilities, your mind started to change a little bit. Being adopted into Xaviers Academy had been the best thing that could have happened to you. You’d been homeless at the young age of 5 after your third foster family had thrown you out, and Charles had found you sleeping in the snow. It was lucky for you that you didn’t mind the cold at all- your powers were the cold. You could freeze anything, alive or not- and at first that was the problem. You’d frozen your mother’s heart whilst in the middle of a tantrum, and your father met the same fate after he tried to hurt you for doing it. The police found a crying child within hours, surrounded by dead parents and a house full of ice and snow. No one could prove what happened, and no one knew what to do with you from then on. After a life of constant abuse, Charles took you into a world of safety and understanding, and thankfully, that world was really the only world you knew in your conscious mind today.

The trauma was still there, but it was rooted deep in your subconscious mind. Now, as an adult, you’d been taken in to your new chosen family- The Avengers. And your home was no longer at the Academy, it was Avengers Tower. You still taught there every once in a while, whenever Charles called you, but your days were filled with world saving and working out with the worlds mightiest superheroes.

Your best friends in the complex were easily Natasha and Wanda, seeing as you all came from similar lonely backgrounds. It was a quick friendship built on trust, sarcasm, and constant blatant flirting and fucking with eachother. You loved the whole team differently, but Nat and Wanda were definitely special.

Besides them, you were definitely a little… taken with a new member of the household. When Loki was taken in by the Avengers to try and “change” him for the sake of Thor, life definitely got a little… uncomfortable. He was just so attractive, and so sassy and his smart mouth was probably the hottest thing about him. That silver tongue as you’d heard it been called constantly got your mind whirling. The girls mocked you ruthlessly for your crush, but they never pushed it to be more- they both knew your fear of relationships, friendship or otherwise.

Loki, on the other hand, was equally as enamored with you as you were him. He never stopped watching you, trying to learn every facet of your soul as he could from far away. There was something about you, and he looked at you as a puzzle that he desperately wanted to solve.

He loved watching you with your friends- the way you all so effortlessly joked and laughed with eachother- you had what he’d always wanted. An ease with earning love from others with no effort whatsoever. But something that plagued him was the juxtaposition that was your physical affection. You were so jovial and happy with everyone in the house- but you never let anyone touch you. You never touched anyone else either.

At first, he put it to what he knew was your background- abuse and loneliness. Maybe you’d been hurt more than you let on, so you didn’t let people touch you. But he threw out that hypothesis when he spent more time watching you. You always leaned in towards everyone close to you- and they leaned more away as if trying to retreat from your proximity. When with Natasha and Wanda, they always went to touch you, and you just stopped them with a look. It was such a sad look, and Loki longed to understand the pain behind your eyes. The women would pause, sigh, and take their hands back, pull their bodies back, put more distance between you and them, seemingly hurt at having to.

Today was no different. Loki was sitting on a chair in the library by the window with it open, pretending to read a book but actually watching you, while you were lazing on the couch actually reading a book. Something you had both grown very fond of in your time together. Neither of you said much, but you just enjoyed the company of one another with the chill wind coming in from outside. That’s when Natasha came to sit with you. You moved your legs and curled them up into yourself, but something new happened. Natasha, who threw something at you- ah, it was a cookie- to get your attention, and you laughed and ate it while looking at her curiously. She covered herself with a big, thick blanket, and then patted her lap for you to put your legs on top of her. You thought about it, looking pained and unsure, before slowly giving in, your eyes weary with doubt. But… nothing happened. Natasha smiled like the cat who got the cream as she pulled her phone out, and you went back to reading your book with the loveliest look of surprised warmth Loki had ever seen gracing your beautiful features.

After a little while, your eyes started fluttering shut, and you moved yourself so your head was on the red heads lap instead of your legs, and you fell asleep faster than you ever had in your life- a few happy tears falling down your cheeks.

Loki watched you sleep and forgot to put on the facade of reading, which caught the attention of Natasha, who didn’t even look up from her phone. “Whatcha staring at, Loki?” She asked, continuing to scroll.

Loki looked up at her surprise etched into his eyebrows. “Oh, nothing. I just- She’s never let anyone that close to her- how did you do that?” He asked her, eyes falling back to you.

“Y/N doesn’t let anyone touch her because she’s watched them flinch away from how cold she is her whole life. If they’re not flinching away, she hurts them by accident because most of the touches of her life have been dangerous or abusive, and she’s had to protect herself. Her powers don’t ever really turn off, they just… quiet. As long as we’ve been friends, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to her letting me touch her.” She said, eyes on him now, watching his expressions. “Why do you care to notice?”

His eyes flew back to hers, trying to guard his expression from her knowing gaze. “I was just curious. Trying to figure you all out- she’s been the hardest to understand.” But his eyes falling back to your face gave him away, and when he looked back at Natasha, he knew she knew. She had the decency not to say anything, but the look on her face was enough to make Loki look back to his book and actually try to read this time to avoid any more speculation.

Days passed, and all he could think about was the look on your face when you were able to get some kind of physical affection- and he wanted to see it again. So this time, when he found you in the library like he always did- he didn’t choose the chair by the window. He sat down next to you. You looked up at him, and he could feel your surprise.

You eyed him up and down, and he just smiled that little smile that seemed to be only reserved for you, and started to read. The window was open, as it always was- this was your favorite room, because almost no one came in here besides Loki, and he never seemed to mind your proclivity towards keeping this room cold.

You two were like that for a while, but you started to notice him leaning more towards you- you were already at the end of the couch, so there wasn’t really anywhere for you to go, so you tried to will yourself to calm down and just focus on reading. His presence always calmed you down, he was so charming and kind- well, he was kind to you. You loved watching him read, as his tongue poked out as he was really involved with the words on the page.

Unable to focus on your page in front of you, you instead focused on the way he felt beside you. Normally, when someone was near you, you could feel their warmth radiating off of them- especially Thor and Steve. They seemed to have very naturally high body temperatures, and it made you feel itchy, like there was fire licking at your skin. Vision was one of your favorites to be near- his presence felt like nothing. No warm or cold coming off of him, so completely neutral and it made it very easy to be around him. Loki… well, Loki had never been close enough for you to be able to tell. You expected him to feel like Thor did, seeing as they were both Gods and all, and came from the same place; Asgard. But… Loki felt different. He was… normal? Well, normal for her, that was. He didn’t feel warm, he didn’t feel like anything? He kind of felt like Vision, and that surprised her.

Your curiosity got the better of you, and you scootched a little closer to him, your feet brushing his thigh on the couch next to you. You watched out of the corner of your eye for a reaction- but there was nothing negative. If that had happened with Peter, he would have shivered a little and pulled away from the touch because of how cold you were. Tony would have made a joke like, “Just because the cold doesn’t bother you, Elsa, doesn’t mean the rest of us are like that,” and you’d pull away embarrassed at the reminder of how different you are.

Loki moved again, tucking his feet under himself, which repositioned his upper half to be a centimeter from being arm and arm with you. And considering his button up had the sleeves rolled up and you could see his arm hair- God, you wanted to play with it- you were almost skin to skin. Your hands started shaking and you were about to pull away to protect yourself from the inevitable pain that would come from seeing him flinch away in pain- but before you could, it happened. His skin was pressed up against you, and your heart sped up three times as fast… and nothing bad happened. He didn’t move, he didn’t flinch, his face looked… serene? He looked happy touching you.

Now the gates were open and you needed to know more- know why.

“Loki?” You asked, your head turned to face him.

When he turned to face you, you could feel his breath on your face. “Yes, darling?” You almost choked on your spit- he’d never spoken to you with that endearment before.

“Why- I mean… How? I… Loki-” You tried to get a reasonable sentence out, but the words got caught in your throat as tears started prickling your vision.

Loki put his book down and turned to face you, movements slow as if he was afraid to spook you away. “Can I try something?” He asked, hands in his lap, waiting for permission for something. You nodded dumbly, completely unsure what was about to happen. All you knew was that a door had been opened to something, and you knew there was no going back now. Loki’s hands moved, and your instincts were to pull away from him, but you fought them. You wanted to see what was going to happen here. His hands found yours, and he covered them with his own. His skin was so soft, and you looked down and noticed that his skin started to turn a different color- so you pulled away, worried you were hurting him. But you hadn’t felt a surge of your own power?

You were about to ask him, but he beat you to it with the answer. “Did you know I was adopted? Odin stole me from my home when I was a baby- whether to hurt my people or to use me as a peace making tool, I still haven’t figured out, but I am not really Loki Odinson. I am a Frost Giant from birth, raised as an Asgardian. My birth name is Loki Laufeyson. The blue you just saw was… a piece of my real form, coming out at your touch, not because you were in any way hurting or negatively affecting me… so please, let me-” He reached out again, but this time, one hand found your face, his thumb running over your cheek bone, while the other hand ran over your arm softly. Your eyes fluttered closed- his touch was like nothing you’d ever experienced. He somehow felt the same temperature as you did to yourself. He wasn’t cold or hot, he was just… perfect. The tears that were threatening to spill before finally did, and Loki raised his other hand to cup both sides of your face and wipe away the tears as they fell.

“I’ve finally figured you out. It took longer than it ever has for me, but I’ve done it. I’ve never been so taken with figuring someone out before, not like this. You don’t pull away from people because you don’t want physical affection- you pull away because you’ve never had anyone who could physically handle you. No one’s temperature matched you. You’ve never been able to be touched gently. You’ve never been able to let yourself. You are so strong, my popsicle, but you don’t have to be anymore. I was made to be able to touch you, and be touched by you.” You opened your eyes and took him in in his base form- he was the most beautiful shade of icy turquoise, his eyes red as rubies, and he was touching you. He was touching you so lovingly and so sweetly, you couldn’t stop crying. In all your years, you had never been touched like this. No one ever could. Without a beat, you clambered up into his lap and wrapped your arms around him, sighing when his arms wound their way around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

“I’m not hurting you?” You asked, your voice shaking.

“Not in the way you mean, darling, but you are hugging me a little tight.” You felt his chuckle vibrate in your chest, which made you laugh too. “Don’t stop, though.” He whispered into your hair.

“You’re so beautiful, you know. Why don’t you let people see your real self?” You asked, burrowing your face in his neck, pressing your nose into the column of his throat.

“I’ve spent my whole life using my magic to make myself look a certain way- it’s more or less unconscious at this point. And I’m… a little insecure about this form. Very few people have seen me look like this. And it’s never been for a good, healthy reason like this.”

“Well, I’m honored. Thank you for this. No one… no one has ever been able to touch me without it hurting them. Thank you so much, Loki.” After a few more minutes of you straddling him on the couch, wrapped around him, you came to your senses enough to know that this was probably not completely appropriate- so you got off of him as a blush crept from your cheeks to your neck to your chest, smiling shyly and biting your lip.

Loki thought you were beautiful before, but you’d never looked more beautiful than you did right in that moment.

You went back to reading together, enjoying the chill air fill the room from the window, pressed up against one another on the couch- comfortable for the first time in your life.

Part 2

[gryfon-spanish-werewolf]

Hey if you're taking writing prompts 👀 how about “Don’t touch her/him.” and/or “Why did you choose me?” for uuuuuh elsanna?

@themountainsays​ I hope this story makes up for how late the response is^^; I started it the same day I received it, but I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. But now! Much better :D

Special shout out to @daughterofhel because I was really stuck on this piece for a while and you helped me figure it out!! <3

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“Don’t touch her,” the letter warned Elsa, delivered by Gale in a trip across the ice. Nokk had whinnied at the scent of its companion, but slowed to a halt when Elsa’s trembling began to shake her mount as well.

“Don’t touch her,” the staff told Elsa as she hurried to her sister’s room, twin capes flying behind her, lending size to a courage she didn’t feel. 

“Don’t touch her,” Kristoff reminded her one last time, mumbling through tired hands. Sven brayed at his back and nudged his big nose into the side of Kristoff’s head - a sad sound and an even sadder sight.

Elsa entered and heard the door click shut behind her.

Despite the high noon sun, Anna’s chambers were dark. Every curtain had been drawn and extra fabric had been hung over windows to block any remaining scraps of light.

“Elsa? Is that you?”

“Olaf?” Elsa whispered back into the darkness. The distinct squeak of Olaf’s footsteps approached, the white snow of his body giving him an almost phantom inner light. Small stick arms wrapped around Elsa’s waist and his head fell against her stomach.

“She’s not well,” Olaf said softly. “We thought she was getting better, but then this morning...” He trailed off. Elsa put a soothing hand on his head, fighting the shiver of fear growing in her stomach.

“Is she sleeping?”

Olaf nodded, taking Elsa by the hand and leading her to the side of Anna’s bed. Elsa’s eyes began to adjust, and she saw Olaf sit atop a small stool that had been placed near the headboard. He took to it with such a strong sense of formality that Elsa was struck with the image of a vigil, waiting for a dawn to shrink back the darkness.

She shook the thought from her mind, casting her gaze over the bed to distract herself.

The sheets were a mess, lumpy and thrashed about. Nearly half the bed was bare, covers bundled to one side to envelope a shape that could only be her sister. There wasn’t a single scrap of visible clothing, much less skin, but the tension around Elsa’s middle eased slightly when she saw that the middle of the pile was moving regularly up and down.

“How long has she been like this?” Elsa asked, picking her way carefully to the other side of the bed where Anna’s head lay.

“A few days.” Olaf swallowed at Elsa’s stricken expression. “She didn’t want to bother you…”

Elsa opened her mouth to respond, but shut it just as quickly. It had only been a handful of years ago that she had pushed herself past the point of mere fever for Anna, and though it pained her to be on the other end now, she couldn’t find it in herself to be angry.

Just... sad.

“Kristoff is the one who said we had to tell you,” Olaf continued. “I think seeing her get worse when she seemed to be recovering was the last straw.”

“What happened?”

“Three days ago, after you left the reception for the visiting royalty, Anna said she suddenly felt tired and went to bed. When Kristoff went to join her later, she claimed she couldn’t sleep because the room was too hot. He put out the fire, but even then she was sweating. The next morning she seemed… lost.” Olaf shuddered, the action completely foreign to Elsa, who’s heart was starting to feel constricted in her chest. “Gerda would call her name and it would take two or three times for her to pay attention. During meals she would push food around on her plate or just stare at it, eyes dull. Anything she did eat, she couldn’t keep down, and by the next evening Kristoff decided she should just rest in her room. And now she hasn’t come out for a full day.”

“How awful.” Elsa reached out for the blankets, needing to check for herself.

“Don’t touch her.”

“I won’t,” Elsa said. Blue light bloomed around her fingers, coating her hand in a thin and flexible layer of ice. She flicked her encased palm, a crystalline ‘ting’ sounding out. “But... why?”

“We don’t know what she has, or how she got sick. I’ve been the only one able to care for her recently.” 

Affection lightened the cage around Elsa’s heart just a little. “Thank you, Olaf.” He smiled thinly in return.

Carefully, Elsa eased back the covers.

The first thing she found was Anna’s nightgown, soft and lightly patterned as was common in the summer months. Olaf’s words rang true however, for the material was stuck like a second skin to Anna’s body, drenched in sweat. Another layer peeled away revealed Anna’s hair, darker in hue from the dampness that plastered it to her skin. Her freckles stood out like the tappings of charcoal dust on drawing paper. Finally, Anna’s face, pinched with the effort of keeping herself covered. Her frown deepened at the disturbance of her slumber and she attempted to turn away from the scant light that reached into the room, muttering.

“–can’t… leave.” Elsa glanced up at Olaf but looked back when Anna groaned and continued. “Have to… stay…”

Olaf sighed heavily. “She’s been talking in her sleep. At first it was her normal mumbling, but it changed.” Elsa felt pierced by his gaze. “Ahtohallan called to you too, didn’t it?”

“You think she hears Ahtohallan?” Elsa watched Anna grimace and turn away from her.

“I don’t know,” Olaf confessed. “Looking back, you only ever seemed distracted, which Anna did, but now… It was never like this for you, right?”

“I’ll admit it disturbed me at first, and when I fought it, the voice seemed to grow louder.” Elsa pursed her lips. “But no. In the end it was a beckoning voice, though not an unfriendly one. The uncertainty made me sick with worry, but never actually ill.”

Anna made another pained sound and this time Elsa couldn’t help herself. She reached out and touched the tips of her frost covered fingers to the back of Anna’s exposed neck. Goosebumps broke out immediately, shivering through Anna in waves. But instead of leaping away from her touch, Anna pressed back until Elsa was running her hand through damp tresses. Anna’s muttering soothed to the odd murmur, her chest rising and falling evenly once more.

“Please be careful, Elsa,” Olaf jumped down from his perch and joined her.

“I will, I promise.”

At their voices, Anna turned back, her clenched eyes relaxing. Her voice was thick and hoarse, and it took several tries for her just to whisper the word, “Water…”

“I’ll get it!” Olaf bounded up and raced for the door, his excitement drawing forth a smile from Elsa, and even a weak one from Anna. He was gone in a flash, but even with the door swinging open and shut in hardly more than a second, Anna flinched at the extra light.

“I’m sorry, did we wake you?” Elsa cupped Anna’s cheek, renewing the ice around her hand when Anna all but nuzzled into her touch.

“No I–,” Anna cleared her throat, trying again with a little less rasp. “I don’t think I was fully asleep.”

“We heard you talking, you were dreaming.”

“Yes… a dream.” Anna paused. She seemed to gather her strength, then with great effort, she opened her eyes. “But you’re not, are you?”

Anna’s eyes had always been the loveliest of greens under low light: positively lush under oil lamps, campfires, sunset, and candlelight. Even Elsa’s own magic sparked her eyes with the verdant life of flowers and spring.

But the sickness, short in it’s stay, had already taken its toll. The only color reflected in Anna’s eyes now was the sludge brown mud at the bottom of a frozen lake.

“Oh, Anna,” Elsa brushed her thumb across her sister’s cheek. “What’s happened to you?”

Anna didn't hear.

“No, you’re not a dream,” she seemed to say to herself. “Of course you and your magic would be the only things that keep the Count away.”

“The… the Count?” Elsa frowned. “The one whose visit we celebrated just a handful of days ago? I’d thought he left that very same night.”

Anna eyed her quizzically, though it’s power was diminished by her fatigue. “Well naturally, he had a long return trip to make. But he left me a gift, so I could remember his time here.” Her face scrunched up again, “At first I wasn’t sure about it, but…”

Then Anna beamed, a sight that would have made Elsa’s heart soar as it caught the sunlight, bright as any star brought to Earth could be.

Except this time it sank, like a seal yanked beneath the waves by a shark.

“Now it feels like he’s always around,” Anna grinned before closing her eyes once more. She sighed, “Though he’s a bit overbearing at times, calling at all hours of the day and night.”

Elsa didn’t know if it was rage or terror that made its home behind her ribs, but one of them broke her heart with the realization that something had changed Anna’s smile.

No. Someone.

“W-what kind of gift, Anna?”

“The kind benefiting a gentleman of course.” Anna yawned and seemed to settle happily as the memory revisited her. Elsa felt her heart travel further - down down into the icy depths. “A kiss.”

The light from Elsa’s magic glinted off Anna’s teeth in a way it never had before. Twin flashes of pointed bone, longer and sharper than any human’s.

Elsa had always thought they were stories, a fairytale, one more thing to be scared of at night. But fate had decided on more than one occasion to grant magic into her and Anna’s lives, so terrible as it may be, why not this particular myth as well? How much more odd would it be than a living water horse, sentient wind and rock, and a fire spitting amphibian?

Why not… a vampire?

Anna hooked her hand into Elsa’s, ignoring her sister’s reflexive tug away. “Who knew a kiss could be so chilling? But it was hot that night, and you were gone, so it was a decent substitute.”

Elsa took a moment to center herself. The reality of the situation was bearing down on her like calvary hooves, but she needed to be certain. “Where did he kiss you?”

It was a small comfort to hear her sister reply with humor. “Well it certainly wasn’t the lips, Elsa. He knows the rules of etiquette the same as us. No, it was the back of the hand.”

Elsa immediately inspected Anna’s hand, then the other. But there was nothing.

Anna entwined their fingers, pressing her palm against Elsa’s icy one. “So many questions about the Count,” she said slyly, more playfulness dripping into her voice to chase the sick away. “You’re not jealous, are you, Elsa?”

Elsa gawked at her. “I’m not jealous, Anna!” She turned her head away, “I thought he was a pleasant enough man, though a little conceited. Didn’t you feel the way he made himself superior to those around him?”

Anna shook her head. “He certainly came off that way in public, but he really was very polite at the end of the night. He even showed me the special goodbye he gives his visitors in his home country.”

Elsa nearly scoffed, moment forgotten. “Is this that kiss you keep mentioning? That’s hardly anything new Anna, you are queen after all.”

“You are jealous, you are!” Anna’s excitement was cut short by an upturning of brows and a small whimper of pain. She immediately pressed their joined hands to her forehead. “Sorry,” she mumbled, “it’s so hot in here.”

Any reply Elsa might have had would forever be stuck in the back of her throat. She’d found what she had been looking for… but in an unexpected place.

When Anna had pulled her hand towards her, Elsa saw the marks under Anna’s wrist.

Two small dots.

“Mmmm, Elsa,” Anna murmured, “you’re so cold. Just like me. The rest of the world is so hot and bright, but you’re perfect.” She pressed Elsa’s knuckles along the bridge of her nose. “And don’t worry, I can share the Count’s secret with you too - after all, you’re also warm, warm where it matters. On the inside. Your heart,” Anna smiled and Elsa felt the little hum that came from her chest. “I can smell it.”

Elsa barely heard a word, her thoughts swirling like dense fog. She’d never get the chance to respond either, as Olaf chose this moment to make his reappearance, the sound of the latch raising Elsa’s head, away from her sister. Her mind was still turning over Anna’s words the way a mouse tests the new pressure plate under an old crumb of cheese. She didn’t notice how her hand shifted to rest against Anna’s lips, how her control slipped, exposing pale, bare skin.

No, the last nail in the coffin was that, when Anna had spoken, her eyes had opened again.

Opened to a deep, dizzying red.

Red like the finest wines of Arendelle castle.

Red like the kind exposed by bullets and blades.

Red like blood.

Olaf called Elsa’s name in oblivious greeting as Anna’s teeth sunk into her wrist. The bite was kind, the fangs almost soft. And the pain?

Intoxicating.

[lovelife-justsmile]

A conclusion I’ve most recently come to (apart from my longstanding thought that “most people suck”) is that all life really is, is a collection of moments that touch your heart, strung together by your memories of such events and feelings. And once you realize that, you realize to cherish those that really do kindly touch your soul and hold them close for safe keeping.

There’s three such romantic moments that I still hold near and dear in my memory bank and think about from time to time when I forget how lucky I am to be alive to experience those feelings.

One such memory was a breakfast I shared once in Copenhagen. I had gone back for a reunion and was spending the week at the home of a Danish man I had grown to become the best of friends with thanks to an introduction from a mutual friend. He was kind enough to bunk on the couch, so I could sleep in his bed- a true gentleman in my eyes. And I’ll never forget our first breakfast together. He had run out that morning and gotten fresh pastries from his local bakery, and while I was waking up (and taking my sweet ass time to physically get out of bed) I could hear him feverishly cooking breakfast on the stove. I walked out still half asleep with my glasses on, messy bun atop my head, sweats, and a cropped, oversized T-shirt that was so large it exposed one of my shoulders. And I remember he turned around at the sound of me asking what was going on over there in the kitchen, and I’ll never forget the smile on his face and the pride he was radiating as he proceeded to pick up two plates of food in front of him up and show me the way to the dining table. There a beautiful display of traditional Danish breakfast foods awaited me.

As we ate, we barely spoke a word and instead glanced outside at the bikers and cars down below us and caught each other’s eyes and smiled when we did. I felt such pure happiness it was overwhelming. Just to peacefully sit in front of a man in silence and watch the traffic go by as Leon Bridges’ voice softly floated in the air.... it felt magical.

I’m telling ya partners of tumblr out there- it takes such a small amount of thought and effort to make your partner’s day.

Send them a sweet text. Make breakfast one morning. Send them a song that made you think of them.

And that’s something I’ve always felt: the simplest of things bring me the greatest joy. I would much rather just watch the sunset with someone I care about than to get all dolled up and go to a fancy dinner where the food is overhyped and I’ll leave still hungry with a lighter wallet.

My continued advice that I remind myself is to find relationships (romantic or otherwise) where you just enjoy the simplest, most mundane things with them and just love their presence.

And thus, this leads me to my more recent and salient memory of a LA boy I dated for quite some time. He taught me to find someone that makes something as repetitive and mundane as going to the grocery store the highlight of your week.

Flash forward, we had broken up in the Fall of that year, but through circumstances out of my control, I found myself back a few months later. He had asked to grab food, and I reluctantly agreed, knowing what it would do to my heart. However, he picked me up, and we had was the loveliest of times.

My favorite part of that whole day was when he was driving me back to my friend’s: the sun was shining, the sky blue and cloudless as could be, and there was traffic on the 405. Which I didn’t mind in the slightest because we ended up spending the whole time trading off songs and artists we had discovered that we thought each other would appreciate.

And I remember the windows down, my right arm half out of the car, with my chin resting on top, listening to our new favorite songs, singing the lyrics, laughing, smiling, and feeling so much happiness I secretly teared up at one point. I never wanted that immense and inconceivable happiness to end. Nevertheless, I sadly knew it would as I counted down the minutes we had left. Ironically now when I think back to that time, I should have realized that most of the songs we traded between each other were upbeat but sad songs that clearly conveyed how heartbroken both of us were at the time.

No one ever really talks about how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you still love but know deep down you’re not meant to be with.

Ah broken hearts. Quite honestly more dreadful than simple physical pain. This leads me to my last memory about a boy whose heart I unfortunately broke. We were in high school, senior year. At the time, my group of friends (whose shenanigans I greatly miss) had started to merge with the stoner/druggie group. Within our new merged group was a boy I instantly hit it off with when we bonded over the fact that we were both getting our wisdom teeth taken out over the same weekend (sigh, to be a teenager again..). Him and I quickly became friends, spending every lunch just him and I talking even though we were always with our huge friend group. He mentioned that he played guitar (is this where I started my bias for musicians?... huh... something for me to think about) and my eyes lit up as I said, “Wow really?! I’ve always wanted to learn. I even have a guitar!”

This quickly led to our weekly “jam sessions,” where he’d pick me up in his dark green station wagon, drive me to his house, and we’d spend hours on his porch in the basement playing guitar. He was incredible, and I sucked. Then he’d drive me back home, and we’d repeat the whole thing the following week. I really really liked him and loved spending time with him; he was different than almost any other guy that I had met in my high school. He didn’t drink or smoke (which always confused me as to how he ended up in the hardcore druggie group at school) but talked charmingly funny, using words like gal, swell, shenanigans, tip top, etc. that at the time no one was using. He was so respectful and kind.

After it was pretty clear playing guitar well was not in my future anytime soon, he switched to other things. He taught me how to drive stick shift, which consisted of us sitting in an abandoned church parking lot, and me scream laughing as I stalled his car over and over again. We bonked heads one time because we both were laughing so hard. One time we were hanging out, and a mutual friend of ours texted us that a huge party was happening nearby.

I really wanted to go and could tell he didn’t, but despite it he said “let’s ride” and grabbed my hand and led me to his car.

I had brought a UCLA sweatshirt with me in case it got chilly (as I had recently decided that’s where I was headed for college), and as we walked up to the party, he asked to carry my sweatshirt for me. I was so taken aback at the question, I hesitated. In my hesitation, he grabbed the sweatshirt and tied it around his neck. We walked into the party together, with him proudly displaying my sweatshirt on his shoulders, and it was in that moment when I realized he most certainly thought we were more than friends.

I panicked and spent the next hour swiftly trying to avoid him, unsure of what to do.

Didn’t he know I was dating Steve?? The whole school knew about it, as it was the town’s gossip the previous year...

I felt so stupid and naive- how did I not realize it sooner? (Classic me- never realizing someone likes me until they’re screaming it in my face, arms flailing, holding signs, and pointing at me).

After a while, he found me at the party and asked if I wanted to head outside so he could show me something. The nauseous feeling returned and I wasn’t quite sure what to do. Without hesitating, he grabbed my hand and led me back to his car parked out on the street. He opened up his trunk and pulled out his skateboard.

Confused and shocked, I laughed so hard I doubled over. He then took a hand at teaching me yet another skill- skateboarding. Which spoiler, did not end well. I just kept falling. I jumped up on the skateboard, he placed his hands on my waist (tsk tsk tsk), and tried once more to lead me down the street. I started gaining more and more momentum, until he let go, and I immediately started to fall off. He caught me, and it was a scene out of a GD movie: me in his arms looking up at him and him holding me looking down at me. I knew what he was about to do, and sure enough he began to lean in to kiss me. “RED ALERT RED ALERT,” my brain sounded, and before he could kiss me I jumped up faster than the speed of sound. I started running back towards the party, yelling behind me “come on, let’s head back to the party slow poke!” Confused, he ran right behind me.

The next time we hung out, sadly would be the last time, as I knew I had to tell him I was dating Steve. Unfortunately for him, before I could bring up what had almost happened at the party and who I was dating, he casually asked if I was going to the upcoming prom. I said yes and his eyes winced. “You are?” he said, shocked. “Yes I am, my boyfriend is taking me.” As I stumbled to say those words, I watched his face drop, eyes water, and I felt like I wanted to die. It was like watching a puppy get run over. A puppy I really cared about and loved.

That was the last time we ever hung out, but I’ll never forget him, his smile, or the time we just drove around for hours listening to the Beatles. I watched his eyes light up with a passion, as he described the backstory to each song and how the different notes fit together. I already adored the Beatles, but he was the reason I ended up taking a Beatles class during my freshman year of college. A tribute to him and all he taught me about life and spontaneity.

Him and I were exactly what they showed in movies and in That 70s Show about teen love: spending hours together doing nothing but talking, driving around in a small town, and laughing until your stomach hurts. He is the only one of the three that I’m not still in contact with, of some sort, but I hope he’s out there filled with so much happiness and still writing his beautiful music.

I am certain that none of them know how much those memories meant to me, but in a way it’s kinda cool- it’s like having a secret that only you know about and no one else.

Many people have come and gone in my life as cities and seasons change or others have hurt me (*cough those people know who they are cough*) but those that showed me that they truly cared and touched my heart, have luckily stuck around.

Moral of the story: find your grocery store people. Cherish those memories. It’s really that simple.

[deripmaver]

💉 drugged (for the whumpy prompts)

~3000 words, Victuuri

Additional tags/warnings: Omegaverse, brief Victor/Other, Victorian era, neither yuuri nor victor do the drugging lol, mentions of prostitution

See if you can guess what kind of AU this is ;D

Fog rolls in overthe streets of the East End, over the cold, empty shipyards andpockmarked pavement. The dirty gas lamps shine eerily upon it, fadedrings of light that keep the dark cloaked figures in shadow.

It’s the kindof fog that chills down to the bones, the kind that demands a cozynight in, a book read by warm lamplight – which is the kind ofevening Victor Nikiforov had intended to enjoy, but then-

He shakes hishead, long, silver hair falling in ghostly cascades down his back. Hehasn’t put in the normal effort, dressed himself up to the normaldegree of perfection, for his job tonight, but that hardly mattersnow. His job is what’s put him in this situation in thefirst place.

The conversationstill echoes in his head, painful like the clanging church bells thatwake him up in the morning, like a subtle punishment from on high.

Anger flashesthough him, sharp as the surgeon’s scalpel, and he grips his chestas though that’ll stop the pain of it.

How dare Yuuri,when he was the only one who had bothered to help him – a pooryoung immigrant, lost and alone in a dangerous part of town as thesun began to sink below the horizon. A newcomer from Japan, one ofperhaps three omegas admitted to medical school in London, and Victorhad taken him in for the night, given him comfort and a bed and a hotmeal-!

When he hadhelped Yuuri, remembering how hard to was when he had arrived allthose years ago, barely speaking the language, taken in by a plumpomega woman who expected him to work for his room and board.

The anger is goneas quickly as it came, though, and in its stead all Victor feels isexhaustion, a dull ache. He slumps back against the dank wall,resting upon a stack of boxes.

“Ah, Yuuri!” Victor cooes,“You are making friends! I am so happy for you.”

Yuuri fidgets, bright red, staringback at the retreating forms of his classmates – at thedisapproving curl of their lips. The only other omegas in theprogram, Victor knows, and not nearly as remarkable as Yuuri. They’rehigh born, their Alpha sire’s pulling strings to get them intomedical school – though Victor figures he can’t complain toomuch, not if they’ll have even a little more empathy when handlingomega anatomy.

“I, ah, actually… Wanted totalk to you about that?” Yuuri mumbles, not meeting Victor’sgaze.

Victor frowns. The others aregone, now, and though he can still feel their disapproval, it’sbeen a long time since he worried what other people thought of him.

“Yes?”

Yuuri swallows. He’s very red,his hands are shaking in the way they do when he’s too afraid tosay something directly.

“They, um,” Yuuri begins,“It’s been – it’s been hard for me. I never really fit in,here, it took everyone so long to realize I even spoke English –I,” he pauses, “There are only a few other foreign students, andthey’re all alphas, and they want nothing to do with me. Now, theother omegas will sometimes allow me their companionship, but theystill see me as so different from them.”

“Yuuri,” Victor says, slowly,��What are you trying to say?”

Yuuri swallows. When he speaks, itsounds as though he’s carefully considered every single word. “Howdo you feel about me coming to visit you, only? And in the east end?”

Victor feels like Yuuri haspunched him in the gut. Still, his voice is steady as he responds,“You don’t want to be seen with me.”

“It’s not that,” Yuurimumbles. Lies. “They just don’t understand you – like theydon’t understand me, and I don’t want them to think-”

“Think what?” Victor hisses,cutting him off, “Think that you might actually like me? That youwould willingly spend time with a-”

“Victor, don’t,” Yuuripleads, putting his fingers over Victor’s trembling lips. A few ofthe pedestrians’ eyes flit to them as they walk past, a fewscholars look up from their books, outside the university library.

Victor laughs, angry,hurt, cruel. “Why not? I’d wager I’ve had half these alphas inmy bed, or their fathers, at least. They know who I am. I know who Iam, and I’m not ashamed of it. I didn’t become the most soughtafter whore in all of the east end, all of bloody Londonby being a coward. Not like you.”

Yuuri steps back.He’s trembling all over, his eyes fill with frustrated tears, andfor a moment Victor regrets everything he’s said – he wants totake it all back, to take Yuuri into his arms, to say it’s alright,whatever he wants, so long as they can stay friends.

He can’t, though.He won’t. Yuuri is the first person who has looked past what he didat night, who wasn’t a sneering high-born omega or a lustful alphafull of superficial flattery and a wife at home, who saw dog-loving,literate, sensitive Victor.

And now. Anotherdisappointment.

Yuuri whispers, “Thenail that sticks up gets hammered down. That’s what they said to meat home, when I didn’t just want to bond and breed for a richfamily. It’s what I’ve been fighting my entire life, and I’m sotired. I’m not saying this to push you away from me-”

“And yet,” Victorsnaps, “You’ve succeeded.”

Yuuri’s mouth snapsshut. He looks down, picking at the threadbare sleeves of his dress,lips trembling like he was terrified that this might have been theoutcome. Yuuri still can’t wear English fashion comfortably, it’sclear in the way he stands, awkwardly, how he pulls at the starchedcollar of his dress.

“They’ll throwyou away, Yuuri,” Victor says, knowing the cruelty of his words.“When you’re not poised enough, when your accent isn’t rightenough, when they pick away the veneer and see something inside youthey don’t like.”

Yuuri doesn’tspeak. He stares at the ground, worrying his lower lip, tinted pinkwith the lipstick his new friends likely insisted he wear.

“Don’t do that,”Victor whispers, before he can stop himself. “You’ll just makeyourself bleed.”

Yuuri stares at him,eyes impossibly wide, watery with unshed tears. “I don’t thinkyou’re a whore.”

Victor steps back. Hesighs, hating how he understands why Yuuri doesn’t want to be seenwith him, hating how much it still hurtsto be rejected like this. “But,” he says, softly, “I am. Andeveryone knows it. And you don’t want to be seen with… Withsomeone like me.”

Yuuri still doesn’tsay anything. Victor knows him, knows he’s upset, knows that thegears of his mind are turning faster than his tongue can catch up –but Victor’s afraid, too, afraid to hear Yuuri say that he’sdisapproved of him this whole time, but was simply too polite to sayso.

He turns, so Yuurican’t see the tears that well up in his own eyes, and says curtly,“Perhaps you shouldn’t come by this Friday evening. I wish youthe best, Yuuri.”

“Vitya!Surprised to see you out tonight – it’s been a while since you’veworked a Friday.”

Victorsighs, looking to the side. “Needed the extra money,” he says,clipped. He really doesn’t want to talk to Chris, not tonight.Chris knows about Yuuri, and he’ll be damned if anyone is going toget any information about Yuuri’s absence from him. “I’m goingto take a walk.”

Chrisfrowns. “Are you sure? Me and some of the others are in a groupover by the pub. Just to be safe, we don’t know if he’s out theretonight.”

“I’llbe fine,” Victor mumbles, waving him away. He doesn’t have theenergy to think about him tonight.

Chrislooks like he might object, so Victor turns on his heel and wandersalong the docks, past rowdy pubs and shivering omegas with theirskirts rucked up. They huddle together for warmth and safety, staringat the alphas intently as one of them gets picked off, taken to aback alley or their rooms for a quick fuck.

Someone’sbehind him. Victor whirls around, staring at him hard, unable to stophis body from tensing – but it’s just an alpha, with dark browneyes and a tweed suit, weighted down with a heavy bag of something.

“VictorNikiforov,” the alpha breathes, “The loveliest whore in all ofLondon. What luck that I happened to run into you tonight.”

Victordoesn’t respond to that. He certainly doesn’t feel likethe loveliest whore in all of London – he feels like a washed-outrag, fraying with overuse, a stone’s through from being tossed outwith the day’s rubbish.

Rejected.

“Imust say,” the alpha continues, “You look even lovelier inperson. The way your hair reflects the moonlight, the soft white ofyour skin.”

Hereaches out, softly, hesitantly. Victor feels himself lean in alittle closer, letting the praise wash over him. The alpha toucheshis cheek tenderly, like he’s made of porcelain, his thumb pressingjust a bit harder as he caresses down to the pouting pink of hislips.

“Youtruly could be a porcelain doll,” the alpha whispers. “The jewelof anyone’s collection.”

Anyone but Yuuri’s,Victor thinks, bitterly.

“Thejewel of yours, perhaps?” Victor says, coquettish, batting hispainted lashes prettily.

Thealpha grins, wide and toothy, smelling of mint and tobacco andsomething sharp. “Oh, youhave no idea how much I desire you.”

Victorfights the urge to roll his eyes. He’s heard that dozens of times,each one as superficial as the last.

“Shallwe?” The alpha purrs, releasing his scent into the air. It doesnothing for Victor, not like Yuuri’s, so sweet, like the scent ofpure sunshine – but it always makes the alphas feel better to dothis. Victor releases some of his in return, lazily, and is surprisedwhen the alpha’s pants don’t tent immediately.

Apparentlyhis flattery was just that. Victor normally wouldn’t even entertainthis man – his suit is cheap, the leather of his back peeling andcrackling with age. He has such high standards for his clients,  now,requires luxury and money upfront, requires sweet wine and tender kisses.

Hestill stings from Yuuri’s rejection, though. He’s ashamed howmuch he appreciated the tender touches, the sweet words, how hisspirits rose just that little bit from the compliments. It might bevanity, but Victor has always been sensitive. He had little choicebut to become a prostitute, and it’s only now that he gets anypleasure from it, since the shower of praise from his clientsoutweighs the condemnation from the rest of the world.

Victortakes the alpha’s gloved hand and leads him back to his apartment.

Thealpha is quiet as he touches him, peeling the layers and layers offhis body with surgical precision. Victor bats his eyes and bites hislip, letting his silver hair cascade down his body tantalizingly.Each warm kiss against hiscollarbone and throat sends pangs of sensation down his body.

“What’syour name?”

Thealpha doesn’t answer, lipswet and sloppy all over Victor’s chin and cheeks.This time Victor actually does roll his eyes. Fine, that’s fine. Heprobably has an omega and pups at home and doesn’t want Victor torat him out.

Histeeth graze the smooth expanse of Victor’s neck, hesitating justover his scent gland, his tongue going out to lick lazily at thesensitive spot.

“Don’tyou dare bite,” Victor gasps, feeling a twinge of arousal despitehimself.

Thealpha pulls back, his expression unreadable. Hishands go to Victor’s thighs, slipping just barely beneath his thinshift. Victor smiles, softly, bashfully, hands clasping over thealpha’s.

“Doyou want to take this off of me?” he whispers, breathy.

Thealpha nods, eyes alight with intensity, with fire. Victor pushes upto allow the alpha to pull the shift over his head – then lies backonto his bed, body splayed out and legs spread. He stared, the alpha– he stares, and stares, and Victor feels as though he can barelybreathe,suddenly struck with how the alphais looking at him.

“Whatis your pleasure, sir?” Victor murmurs, running his thin fingersover his bare chest, resting them teasingly on his pink nipple.

“Iwant,” the alpha says, choked, “Let’s play doctor, tonight.”

Yuuri’sface pops into Victor’s head again and he flinches, visibly.

“Ah,”Victor laughs nervously, belaying the pangs in his chest again,“Perhaps – something else? I can be whatever you like –schoolgirl, maidservant-”

“I’mafraid,” the alpha booms, suddenly looming over Victor, thighsclenching around Victor’s hips and holding him still beneath hisbody, “I really must insist.”

Victordoesn’t bother to hide his scowl as the alpha goes to reach intohis bag. In the back of his mind, though, he feels a twinge of fear –play doctor could mean anything from the innocuous digitalpelvic examination to somesadist who wants to use cruel instrumentation to probe inside of him.

He’sbeen in this situation before, though, and despite his slight frame,he is not weak – and in any case, carries a blade just beneath hispillows.

“Turnaround, darling,” the alpha murmurs, kissing the nape of his neck.

Victorrolls onto his stomach, lifting his hips up and wiggling them backand forth. He peers at the alpha, probing into his leather bag.

“Nopeeking,” the alpha teases, touching Victor’s lips.

“I’mafraid,” Victor parrots back at him, trying and failing to hide thebiting note of sarcasm, “I really must insist.”

There’ssilence, stillness. Tension builds, and Victor’s fingers creepcloser to the knife beneath his pillows, a sudden fear pooling in hisgut. He remembers, then Chris’ warning, why it wasn’t wise to beout alone tonight, but surely the brute butchering whores wouldn’tlook so slight-

Thealpha grabs Victor’s long, silver hair, slamming his face down intothe mattress. Victor yelps, fingers shooting out to reach beneath thepillows, and suddenly there is a stabbing, burning pain in the scentgland on his neck.

Victorscreams, hand clenching desperately on the handle of the knife, andhe rips it out and lunges forward-

But.

But,suddenly, the knife is so very heavy in his hands. It’s like lead,dropping heavily, harmlessly onto the mattress, slipping like sandfrom his trembling fingers.

Victorwhimpers, scream cut off, and the sound swims through the air asthough he’s underwater. His hands, so heavy, so weak, come up tohis neck, grasping uselessly around the syringe pumping somethinginto him.

Hetries to push himself off the bed, away from the alpha, watching inamusement as he struggles. His feet his the hard floor, but they’releaden weights, and he tumbles to the ground as the room collapsesaround him.

Tearswell up in Victor’s eyes as he whimpers, pitifully, still trying toremove the syringe from his neck even as his body twitches, naked andvulnerable on the floor.

“I,”he stammers, tongue as heavy as the rest of him, “Wha-”

“Hush,”the alpha soothes, running his fingers through Victor’s hairtenderly, softly, “Hush now, my darling.”

Hethumbs away the tears falling from Victor’s eyes, and his facemorphs and blurs as Victor’s vision goes black.

The killer clearlyhas some kind of medical background, some knowledge of omega anatomy,both male and female.

Yuurihad said that. He was trying to find out who this monster was, tryingto keep Victor safe, and now-

Victor’seyes flutter shut, body limp, useless, save for the frantic,terrified, rabbit pulse of his heart.

Hewasn’t even supposed to be out tonight.

[peterkayscarshare]

Life in the Slow Lane Chapter 4 by OvertheRainbow2

Life In The Slow Lane Part 4: A New Direction

 Thirty minutes after his declaration, John and Kayleigh were seated on the side of her single bed, arms wrapped around each other, while Kayleigh continued to intermittently sob, sniff and ruin the sleeve of John’s shirt. She’d also made her way through half a box of Kleenex Ultra Soft and John was becoming increasingly concerned that at this rate, she was at significant risk of dehydration. “Seriously Kayleigh. You’ve got to stop cryin’” “I know! I just can’t! Every time I look at you. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before. It was so beautiful.” With that she started crying yet again. “Yeah, well I meant every word. I love ya. I’m also really hoping you’ll stop blubbin long enough for me to a) get the feeling back in me right arm, b) avoid the necessity to dry clean this shirt, c) prevent flood damage to the carpet and d) let me kiss ya. That finally made her smile, “I like the sound of option d”. “I thought you might.” The kiss started out as a tentative and tender effort to reacquaint their lips but as was often the case between them, it didn’t take long for it to become more of a heated exchange. Soon they were reclining on the bed, their limbs desperately trying to find the optimum position, like a highly competitive game of Twister. Forgetting that the scope of his performance was somewhat limited by the venue, John attempted to roll onto his back, bringing Kayleigh with him, only to crash unceremoniously into the tiny bedside table, upending the alarm clock and bedside lamp. “Christ! Me elbow! Mother of God woman! You should come with a health warning.” “Never mind your elbow! What about me lamp!? Anyway, you were the one attempting gymnastics.” Moment lost, Kayleigh clambered over John to survey the damage and pick up the scattered items from the floor. 

 Having narrowly avoided catastrophe, John was now comfortably reclining on the bed with a somewhat smug expression on his face. He couldn’t help but grin as he admired Kayleigh’s pert posterior as she bent over in front of him. “I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this but you’ve got one hell of acute little ass Miss Kitson.” “John!” “What!? You do. It’s a statement of fact. The idea of that sleazy get Rick puttin’ his hands anywhere near you, pisses me off in ways you can’t imagine. How I’m gonna get through this wedding without lampin’ him, I’ve no idea.” Kayleigh found herself blushing at his cheeky compliment. He noticed, “You’re also very sexy when you blush.” Sensing this was heading for, as yet, uncharted territory and curious to discover the exact destination, she decided to play along. “Am I now?” “Yeah. You are.” “You know, one of these days you’re going to have to put your money where your mouth is John Redmond.” “What the Hell does that mean?” “It means you’re all talk and no action. All mouth and no trousers.” “Oh Really.” “Yeah really.” “You talkin’ about Rick because if you are, let me tell you, no one touches my woman. If he wants to keep his wedding tackle intact, he’ll keep his hands to himself from now on.”  “Ooh, here comes the caveman. Your woman?” “Well, Yeah. That’s what you are...aren’t ya?” Kayleigh drew herself up to the entirety of her 5ft 2 ins, “I am a woman John.” “I know you are”. “And even though I can stand up for myself, I do love it that you get all, protective of me. I just think it’s also important that you understand that a woman has needs. This woman has needs.”

 John began to look sheepish. “Yeah but I’m guessin’ they don’t include some lecherous bastard takin’ liberties!” “No. They do not.” “Listen, I know how you feel and I’m not averse to fulfilling those “needs”. Honest I’m not.” Kayleigh scoffed, “Yeah right! I’ll believe that when I see it. If I made a serious move on you right now, you’d run a mile. You’d be off down those stairs faster than Usain Bolt.“ “What makes you so sure?” “Experience. With you, it’s so far and no further. I’ve heard every excuse in the book. “Let’s not rush things”, “Oh heck, is that the time? We’ve got an early start in the morning”. My personal favourite is, “Pat next door’s bringing back me orbital sander”. You’re hot and cold more often than a dodgy boiler John Redmond. It’s like that Victoria Wood song. I’m saying “Let’s do it!” and I half expect you to say “Me mother’s sent a note to say you must excuse me.” John was smiling, “D’ya want me to beat you on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly then?” Kayleigh couldn’t help but chuckle, “You’re missing the point!” “I’m not. Believe me, I understand. You’re frustrated that we haven’t....you know...” “Oh I know! The word is sex John and frankly if you can’t even say it, I’m more than a bit concerned about you’re ability to actually do it!” “Hey! I can do it. Trust me. I’ve had no complaints” “Well I wouldn’t know, would I? Should I check the reviews on TripAdvisor?” “Don’t be smart”. “I’m not bein’ “smart”. That’s exactly what I’ve got to do, trust ya. I’ve got to trust that I’m not completely wasting my time here. That it isn’t the case that you love me but you’re just not “in love” with me.” The turn of phrase immediately caused him to sit up in bed. The atmosphere changing almost immediately. “Is this about Charlotte?” “No. It’s not about Charlotte, it’s about us.” “Then why are you digging up the past?” “I’m not!” “You are! I told you months ago that was one of the reasons why I broke up with her. You seriously think that’s how I feel about you just because we haven’t slept together yet!?” “I don’t know what to think John.” “Mother of Pearl! I tell you I love you. More than anyone I’ve ever known and you translate that to mean I love you like a mate but otherwise I’m not that fussed!? How about when we’re together? It’s not exactly as though there’s no passion there. I’ve got the bruises to prove it! In case you somehow missed it, I fancy you like mad!” “That’s the point!” “Oh, there’s a point to this? Thank Fuck!” “Now you’re just being a shit!” “Oh, I’m a shit now, am I!?” With that John got up and headed to the door, “Where are you goin’!?” “To wait for you to cool down and to be a shit in the comfort of my own home.” “Fine. Sod off then. All you ever do is avoid the issue.” “What bloody issue!?” “Why you don’t want to have sex with me?!” “I do want to have sex with you!” “So why do you keep fobbin’ me off?!” “TED2!”

 It hung in the air between them for several seconds. Kayleigh looked both confused and aghast and John looked mortified. After what felt like an eternity, the silence was interrupted by a knock at the door, followed by Mandy’s voice, unfamiliar and a strange combination of 1940’s telephonist and vaguely patronising flight attendant, “Eh, sorry to disturb but could I suggest lowering the volume slightly? If I could avoid the necessity for Sex Education with two primary schoolers over the Sunday roast that would be very much appreciated. Thank you.” As they heard her footsteps retreat back down the stairs, Kayleigh tentatively re-opened the conversation, “Ted 2? What the hell does he have to do with our sex life?” “You really fancied him.” Kayleigh was bewildered by this random statement of the blatantly obvious, “Eh, Yeah. I’m not sure you’d find a heterosexual woman with a pulse, who wouldn’t. I also really fancy Jake Gyllenhaal and Bradley Cooper and if I was ever going to reassess my sexuality, you know that Beyoncé would definitely get it.  I’ve got about as much chance with them John, as I do with Ted 2. It’s a fantasy. If I’d wanted to talk to him, unleash my inner cougar and probably make an absolute bloody fool of myself, I would have done it. I didn’t. That’s because sometimes it’s just nice to dream but know that dream will never be a reality. The truth is, you don’t really want it to be. Especially when reality is so much better. I’ve never had much luck when it comes to romance, you know that. I was beginning to think that it wasn’t going to happen for me. That happiness was something I’d always dream about but I’d never know. Then I put my name down for a bloody company car sharing scheme, checked the notice board and Cath Hilton had just helped me win the lottery of life. You came along. You. With all your quirks and imperfections, with all your wonderful and infuriating. You’re my dream come true John Redmond”. Despite himself, he felt teary. As was his habit, he desperately tried to pass it off, “If I’m your dream come true, you mustn’t have much of an imagination.” “Oh you’d be amazed.” She gave him a wicked grin and winked. Despite her reassurances though, John still looked subdued. “Let me tell you exactly what my dream always was. It was to meet a man who made me laugh until I cried. Who didn’t bore me to death. Who listened to my stories, treated me with respect and made me feel valued and special. Who didn’t just see me as some ditsy girl. Someone who was kind and made me feel safe. A man I could love so much it made my heart ache and who I knew loved me too. One that I could actually see myself building a life with. Throw in beautiful, twinkly blue eyes and the loveliest smile, a cuddle and a takeaway on a Sunday night and there it is. My idea of perfection.” “What about a six pack and a tight ass?” “What about them?” “Isn’t that what you want too?” “That’s what all this is about isn’t it? You feel self-conscious.” His sudden fascination with the bedroom carpet said it all. “John. Look at me.” Tentatively he looked up. “I feel nervous too. I keep thinkin’ about me muffin top and Cagney and Lacey aren’t quite the formidable crime fighting duo they once were.” John smiled, “Why do you think I started going to boot camp? I wanted you to see me at my best.” “You’re always at your best and you always will be. You’re the loveliest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and every day you’re more gorgeous than the next.” “See that? Right there? That’s better than any six pack and that’s why I love you. You’re not looking for me to change, or be something I’m not and never will be and I’m not looking for you to do that either. I’m not interested in some buffed up gym bunny. I don’t want Ted 2, I want John 1.” “Do ya, really?” She moved seductively towards him, “Yes I do. I Really, really, really do.” With that she kissed him. This time it felt so much less desperate and urgent and so much more relaxed, yet with an intensity that was overwhelming. Within minutes their hands were touching and exploring, with a renewed confidence and the lure of the tiny single bed was immense. 

 This time it was Kayleigh who called time on their passion. “John?” She gasped. “Hmm?” Came a distracted reply from the region of her neck. “Don’t hate me but I think we should stop.” He did, immediately but for a moment he didn’t move. Slowly he lifted his head. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She began to panic at his frustrated expression, “I know. It’s just...” Suddenly, he broke into a reassuring smile, “Don’t worry. I’m just winding you up. I know what you mean. I don’t want our first time to be in your sister’s box room with walls like paper, a bed designed for a ten year old and the prospect of your niece and nephew walkin in on us at any moment. Not to mention your brother in law and my best mate just outside the window and your sister cookin a roast dinner in the kitchen downstairs. I mean, a little bit of distraction can sometimes be useful in these situations but there’s distraction and then there’s bloody off putting.” She whispered in his ear, “We’ll have our moment....soon. I promise”. “Too damn right we will! Do you have plans for next weekend?” “Nope, nothing in the diary.” “Well, how about when I pick you up on Friday morning, you bring some clothes and whatever other bits you need and stay with me for a few days? We’ll do whatever you want to do. Go out for dinner, or stay in and grab a takeaway, watch a DVD, or go to the cinema. Whatever you feel like you wanna do. No pressure. Just you and me....and if during that time Cagney and Lacey decide they want to let me help them with their inquiries, I’d definitely be up for that.” Kayleigh grinned, “Oh you’d be up for that would you?” John chuckled, “I absolutely would. Those two still know how to get their man and I can tell ya, I’d be more than happy to be detained at their pleasure.” Kayleigh laughed long and hard, “You’re such an idiot but I love ya to bits.” “Right back at ya gorgeous. I take it that’s a yes.” “Of course it is!” The heart shaped lamp on the windowsill suddenly caught John’s attention. “Still up there I see.” “Yep and it’s goin’ nowhere. I’m keepin’ that lamp always. Even when it doesn’t work anymore, it’s stayin’ with me.” “You really did like it eh?” “You don’t get it do ya? That’s when I knew.” “Knew what?” “That I loved you.” “When I bought you a plastic novelty lamp!?” “It wasn’t so much the lamp. It was what it meant. You could have bought me anything. A gift voucher, some flowers, or a bottle of Prosecco but you didn’t. You remembered something I said to you weeks before, in passing, about a heart shaped lamp that I liked and instead of forgetting about it, or just ignoring me, like most blokes would have done, you actually listened to me, you heard me and you cared. You held on to what I said and you chased it down to Preston and you bought it for me, just to make me happy.” By now they both had tears in their eyes. “And that is why that lamp is staying with me.” John instantly replied, “With us. It’s stayin’ with us. Forever.”

[illiy009-blog]

CECI KOREA APRIL ISSUE INTERVIEW (Nayeon, Jihyo, Mina, Sana, Dahyun)

CECI KOREA APRIL ISSUE INTERVIEW (Nayeon)

During your last interview you said a lot of people don’t know Twice, you want to approach and get closer to them. Did you reach your goal?

 During this promotion, I look at the comments and monitor our stages frequently. There are a lot more reaction where (they said) we look like we enjoy ourselves and have fun during the promotion. We are less burden (by this) and really enjoy ‘Knock Knock’ stages this time, we’re happy because they noticed it.

 You sang ‘Melting’ quite prettily during fansign? Tell us the method you use to ‘melt’ your heart when you’re feeling down.

 Actually, the feeling will go away when I just let it be. Like what my members said, I turn sulky easily over some little things (laugh) but I’ll forget about it quickly. My mood will get better in a very short time and therefore it’s the best to just leave me alone.

 If there is a most precious memory in your life (what will it be)?

 Before debuted, there was a time where manager oppa and the members hang out together just because all of us suddenly wanted to visit to the sea. Without any preparation, we ran into the sea, dance, took photos and played. This memory has been kept prettily for a long time. And during the concert while we sang One in a Million, I couldn’t forget the fans’ expression that I saw them close-up. Because they looked at us with the expression that they are sincerely liking us, I was really happy and almost cried, I cried a lot. Even though it’s hard, but my heart is warm when I think of their expression.

 Is there a word you want to leave for Ceci?

 Recently, I always stick ‘very’ (엄)to word when expressing. What we can write for Ceci together with Twice? Ah, 엄쁜Eom-peun (very pretty) Twice♡ Ceci

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CECI KOREA APRIL ISSUE INTERVIEW (Jihyo)

 What is your role of unnie (elder sister) to your younger sisters? Is there a difference as Twice’s leader Jihyo?

 Because my trainee’s period is long and therefore I always felt sorry to my sisters. My parents paid a lot of attention to me during that period and I think my sisters might’ve feel sad about it. I think I’m not a good elder sister. It’s the period where they should receive love but instead I’m the one who received all the attention (from parents).

 But isn’t that because of that period and now you became their proud sister?

 That’s right. They are really interested in and like idols a lot. They are quite a blunt person but they will show off, and asked me which artists I’ve met before, i’m happy because they talked to me first.

It’s the debut that you’ve been longing for. Is it quite similar to what you’ve dream of?

 Yes. It’s real that (I can feel) the word -it’s fancy in front of the stage but there is a lot of hardship behind the scene too. I realize how cool and respectful to the seniors that have been (in this industry) for a long time.

 Is there the only one moment that you want to treasure the most?

 I don’t want to forget the trainee period where I cried, laughed and went through hardship together with the members. It’s the evidence that I worked hard. I want to treasure it until the end.

 And therefore, are you happy nowadays?

 “Knock Knock” has received the love above our expectation and I couldn’t be even happier.

 The ending words that you want to say, (I’ll) write down as it is.

 Thank you. Let’s be together forever.

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CECI KOREA APRIL ISSUE INTERVIEW (Mina)

 There are a lot of nicknames given to Twice by the fans, which is your favourite?

 Tteudoongie pronunciation is cute too. But the combination of Twice and Sarangdoongie is the loveliest and I like it.

 Adult Ceremony and Madonna 4 minutes are the stage with different atmosphere that we’ve never seen before.

 I don’t usually have aegyo so sometimes it’s more comfortable for me to be ‘cool’ during pictorial shooting. During Sixteen I showed a lot of my sexy side, during Twice (I showed) cheerful side and therefore I want to try different concept during concert.

 You suit the word ‘Cool’ a lot. Is there a place in Seoul that you specially like it?

 No matter how, Cheongdamdong is the place where I started my trainee life and there’re a lot of memories. Every time my mum came, she’ll said ‘We had meal together here when (we) first came to Seoul’. This reminded me of a lot of good memories when she said that.

 If you have to choose only one precious memory in your life?

 I really don’t want to forget our first concert; I must not forget it (It’s a no to forget it). I cried a lot that day and it’s not because of sadness but I was deeply touched.  

 What is the thing that’s knocking on Mina’s heart the most recently?

 I like French fries, hamburger this kind of menu that will cause me to gain weight easily and it’s hard for me to resist them. (Laugh) I need to resist it during promotion but they (French fries, hamburger) keep “Knock Knock” on my heart.

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CECI KOREA APRIL ISSUE INTERVIEW (Sana)

 (Someone) make fun of you ‘Sana dropped something again’ during fansign, and you really drop the bouquet of flower. It is Sana’s charm.

 What a relief that you said it’s my charm. Because I always did something wrong and fell down so there were times where I got angry at myself too. Actually my mum is more severe compared to me and it looks like I will live (like her). I decided to accept it nicely.

 Seems like you’re born with optimistic and lively traits.

 Actually, my laughter was quite excessive and I think this is why I live a happier life. All my family members laugh over little things and all of us laugh a lot. When I received stress, 9/10 times I’ll laugh to relieve stress.

 What is the best part being an idol?

 It’s hard to choose since there are a lot. Especially when the fans deliver lunch box to us during the promotion, the design (of the lunch box) changes every time and the members’ nickname are written down. I feel happy every time I look at it because I can feel the fans’ efforts.

 What is the thing that’s knocking on Sana’s heart the most recently?

 Our fan club, ONCEs. During “Knock Knock’ fansign, concert where we can meet them personally and they said they gain energy when they see us. I’m really happy when I heard that.

 If there a word you want to say?

 Dad, 14th April Happy Birthday. You always put in effort for the family and came to the airport to meet me, thank you. Stay healthy as always.

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CECI KOREA APRIL ISSUE INTERVIEW (Dahyun)

 I saw the letter from fans where they told you not to forget your cute image as school lunch team leader. Is it a pity for you to turn into adult?

 No matter what, there are a lot of good memories and it’s a pity when I think of taking off my 10s identity. I’m really happy when I was called school lunch team leader so I asked them to call me (school lunch team leader) forever. I don’t feel real although the graduation ceremony had been held over a long time.

 Fansign is like another type of variety program. Is there a secret in making the fansign fun?

 We prepared the night before. There aren’t a lot of chances for us to have one-to-one conversation with (the fans). What to do that it’ll be more interesting,, (I am thinking) can we get even closer to each other. I hope the fans will laugh even if it’s 1 second more and have fun through (communicating with) us.

 You’re promoting as an idol member that you dreamed of, is there a fun moment that you found out?

 There is someone who wrote ‘Dahyun-ah, I gain energy because of you’ in the fan letter. I’m touched while reading it. During trainee days, I just imagined myself standing on the stage and I’ve never thought that I’ll received this type of reaction. I’m thankful to know that there is someone who lives everyday and gain energy through Twice.  

 In your life, if (you were to choose) a memory that you’ll never forget?

 No matter what, it should be the dance contest where it became an opportunity for me to join JYPE. It was the start and to now that I could debut in Twice.

 Lastly, is there a word you want to say?

 Members, don’t fall sick and maintain your health in the future. I hope we’ll Hwaiting in the remaining promotion and overseas concert. Twice Let’s do well.

[randrvstheworld]

Rainbow Mountain, reunions & rainy days

After very little sleep, we crept out in the pitch darkness to board our bus to the national park that houses the rainbow mountain. This was yesterday. We drove through Cusco in the dark, admiring the festive lights twinkling in the night; ripe lights twisted round lamp-posts transforming them into gleaming giant candy canes, hanging lights in the trees that look like icicles. It was really pretty & made the horrendously early start & long journey feel somewhat magical.

We started with breakfast of bread & pancakes (& heaps of dulce de leche, my favourite!!) at the edge of the park before winding on down extremely sketchy roads, lined with craggy cliff faces. I tried to sleep but it was very bumpy & like many buses in South America the driver was intent on blasting loud pan pipe music (remix of greensleeves, anyone? No?) which does not for a relaxing sleeping environment make.

We arrived at the start of the hiking trail to crisp winter sunshine, a beautiful bright day, at around 8am. And off we went. The trail itself is not that hard, not too steep but the altitude - 5100ft at the top, our highest yet! - makes it so hard to catch your breath you’re just a constant sweaty, puffy, gasping mess. Such a beautiful landscape though, snow-capped mountains in incredible colours: dark, inky grey-blue, burgundy, mustard. Llamas dotted about the hillside & a steady procession of traditionally dress Andean men & women leading the fainter of heart up the trail on horseback.

At the very end of the trail the path gets super steep & you really have to push yourself up to the top from whence you get an amazing view of THE Rainbow Mountain range. From there you can climb an even steeper bit for even better views so of course we did. 5100ft up, casting our eyes around the most spectacular mountain range.

The sheer variety of colours was truly breathtaking. Rainbow Mountain itself is literally stripy; streaked with silvery slivers of snow, the rock underneath is a dazzling mix of green, red, brown, yellow, lines next to each other like those jars of sand you get at the beach. The striped rocks stretched on for miles, and all around we other mountains, all a different colour (something to do with minerals & oxidisation), some wearing little snowy hats, others speckled with vegetation & llamas. I was so proud of us; it was no mean feat getting up there & we were really rewarded for our efforts with the amazing 360 view from the top.

We bought little keepsake llamas to mark our achievement from a little old lady on the way down & off we trundled. It was utterly freezing at the top of the mountain - it even snowed a little - & our walk down went from drizzle to sleet to brilliant sunshine & back again about 12 tines. We’d met a cool girl from Lima on our way up & bounced back down with her too, all of us in great spirits after our epic hike.

Nick & Merc, of Huaraz Rock-Climbing & Lucy’s Near Death Experience Day fame, are also in Cusco right now but we’re all off adventuring at different times so yesterday evening, post-rainbow Mountain was our only time to link so we met them for dinner shortly after we got back, which happily confirmed my suspicions that they are genuinely two of the coolest, loveliest people I have ever met. We had a fantastic evening, dining like kings on a grilled vegan feast at this cute watery called Green Point. We drank wine & played cards & shared travel stories & shared desserts like old friends. I’m SO HAPPY that they live in London too. Also really glad for the opportunity to introduce Roxy into the mix. I really hope we stay friends with these dudes.

Today was a planned rest day as we’d anticipated sore legs but we woke up feeling sprightlier than expected; we’d both slept well (except for the daily 6am car horn-honking contest that seems to happen right outside our window & wakes us up every time without fail) so made it for free hostel breakfast. Post-breakfast, however, I had to face up to some harsh realities & make some tough calls. Essentially, I am severely running out of money & had been kind of in denial about how I was gonna make this work. I’d worked myself right up feeling my typical mix of being a failure & letting other people down as I finally admitted to myself that I’m probably gonna have to go home shortly after arriving in Australia.

I called Mum, & spoke to Hannah (both of which made me feel immensely better) & had a tearful chat with Roxy about my options. I have been so anxious about letting her down but she could not have been cooler about it. We talked it all out, & decided - thanks massively to my mums advice, which was “go for it! Don’t give up the dream until you absolutely have to!” - to make it to Australia, & if I can’t find work (my visa might be void as I don’t have the required account balance to validate it) just have a sweet lil holiday for as long as I can before flying home.

I can’t pretend I’m not disappointed about potentially not making it to Asia. I felt like a failure for not being able to make my money last, or not bringing enough, or not managing to complete our plan. But. Roxy & Mum made me realise that it’s better to really live life to the fullest for 9 months, than scrimp & not enjoy it just for the sake of prolonging it. Do I regret anything? Fuck no. I would not trade any of the things I have done, or experiences I have had, for anything. Asia isn’t going abywhere. I can always travel again, & better, with the knowledge I have gained from this trip. Besides, I may well be able to work in Australia & not need to worry about this, but I’m glad I now have a back-up plan that’s actually not the worst thing in the world. The more I think about the prospect of going home in 2 & a half months, the less it bothers me. I’d be back in time for Hannah’s 30th. I can see my brother & my mum & my favourite people in London. And I can get a job & not be broke.

I am now filled with nothing but good feelings. I have options, all of them good; I’ve got this big weight off my mind & was so touched by Roxy’s supportive, sympathetic & lovely response to my dilemma I feel a renewed sense of love & appreciation for her. If I have to come home a little early, so what? I’ve had the best time of my life with someone I feel super grateful wants to be my friend. Our friendship has become so tight & understanding as a result of this trip, we’ve shared all this together & that can never be tarnished or replaced.

Tomorrow we leave for 4 adventure packed days in the Inka Jungle Tour - mountain biking, rafting, zip lining, hot springs & a trek on Machu Picchu. Packing in as much adventure as we can. Making every moment count. Living life to the fullest. Until I absolutely have to go home.

[heyfragics-blog]

Jonny’s Story - Part 1

“I’ve always been a romantic person, to believe that there is such a thing as true love, happy endings do exist and that there is nothing in life that completes someone as much as being in love. At 18 I met a girl who I fell hopelessly for, I chased her for the whole summer after I left school, I was moved by her, that feeling of invincible happiness just by being so happy to be flirting and decidedly falling for somebody. I spent hours on my roof watching the sunset listening to music and being so happy with the world, maybe the happiest time of my life.She was wonderful, clever, ambitious, caring in her heart, and loving in her actions. Weeks of ups and downs followed with me chasing her. I had slept with her best friend in a moment of drunken lust and I spent all summer trying to correct for that and convince her. Twice we were together in a bed or alone on the floor of a party kissing and so close together but it was too much and tears started that no apologies could correct for. After a confusing summer of love tinged with rejection she left for uni and I was left searching for a job to chase my dream of becoming a pilot. It took her leaving for  uni for one drunken fresher night FaceTime for her to say she had told people here she had a ‘boyfriend’ back home and she thought it was me. My heart exploded at the thought, to hear those words from her mouth made me feel untouchable, it made my soul glow to think we were 'together’ at last. I came to see her at university, to see each other at last and she was waiting with a complicated message from her friend to tell my girl she wasn’t happy with the two of us together because (her best friend) found it weird. I was so angry and frustrated with her, she had been silent all summer about us but the moment we acted on it she wasn’t going to allow it. We were both heartbroken, acknowledging the complexity of the situation, but still we were here at last, together and I wasn’t going to leave. We had our first kiss, nervously. It’s like a firework in your soul to be connected to that person, to hold them in your arms and be with them. We had a perfect day in Bath, seeing the city and wandering around hand in hand completely in love. A perfect meal over candles, it was perfect, true romance, not a cliche, just pure, natural and perfect in both our eyes. We saw each other maybe twice more and then we were together in front of our friends for the first time as an open couple. Of course everybody knew but as we stood there, holding hands we were both glowing at the feeling. It was wonderful to be put in front of people as one couple. At the stroke of midnight and to 'I will wait by Mumford and sons’ on the first of January 2014 under confetti and lights of a club I told her I loved her and she smiled the most wonderful smile and told me she absolutely loved me too. I felt a raised level of connection for her, to be closer to anyone else than I’ve ever been before. Everything feels perfect when you are in that space. Life’s challenges become easy, you’re confident, relaxed, fulfilled as a person and being truly in love helps you grow and lift yourself in ways you never even realised. It helps you to be your best self and realise your potential. We spent the entirety of 2014 in love. We worked together, it never lost its honeymoon sweetness, of course reality and routine crept in but we would make the effort to see each other. Driving down after a late shift in the dark through the Cotswolds excited to see her, still with butterflies when we met, when we kissed. We would make the effort for each other, I stole her away for weekends in fancy hotels it was ridiculous two 18 year olds, one a waiter and one a student could afford but I saved up tips and my hourly to make special things happen. We were so happy, I touched the perfect balance, true romance but still firmly in the real world, stable, healthy and so so happy. She helped me through my bitterest disappointments, crying over my failed attempt to get into British airways and helped me back on the path to success. Whatever subsequently happened I will always be grateful for the help she offered me in those moments, I would maybe not be where I am without her.

I became very very close with her mum, truly the loveliest woman I have ever known, she had a heart of gold and was fighting her own demons but saw the best in anyone, even the ex-murderer she once met on the bus. She welcomed me into her and her daughters life unreservedly, even bringing us cups of tea on Saturday mornings in bed. She helped me almost as much, maybe even more than Amy in my critical lowest moments, and I will absolutely always remain thankful for her kind words when I needed them. I even saw her in her house to say goodbye and thankful after the relationship had exploded to wish her a heartfelt thank you and best wishes for her struggle.

I never felt the same welcome with her father, I was always at arms length, polite but no more than that. Somewhat of an inconvenience and not unwelcome but at the same time not comfortable, I was always on my best behaviour and never at ease, her step mum did her best to ease things and was lovely but I was always more comfortable in her mums house.

I set out to carry on my journey to the cockpit. I started literally at the bottom, with a temporary summer contract as a baggage handler. I got the interview and offer on my birthday and started a week later, moving into a BandB to start my training for the ramp. It was painfully obvious I was a little posh boy, I always try to carry myself modestly and I made no mention of being a pilot or British airways but I stuck out. I quietly tried to do my job and be professional but I was constantly reminded of how much people disliked me, how much I didn’t belong there. I was working physically hard breaking my body throwing 200 20 kg bags into a plane and packing them in 20 minutes again and again and again at any time between 4am and 3am. I was desperate to give up, I hated it and I only found comfort in the encouragement and support given to me by Amy. I was helped by her and her mum so much, even my own parents weren’t supportive of me, they decided I had no other option but to carry on, I had to for my dream. I spent so many nights desperate to come back to Amy, my broken body and at my limit of what I could put up with, I was made to feel better, helped through the worst by her. I felt lucky to be so supported and it bought us both closer, I felt so blessed to have someone who helped me selflessly and we were still smiling and easily in love even in the worst of it. We ended up living together in her student house. It was a half hour or so from the airport and perfect for cheap living. It was super stressful, lots of early starts being polite around students going for nights out when you came back in and seeing them coming back as you left, it was exhausting but we still made time for each other. We still went on cute dates and did special things. The routine was there but we still made stand out moments. My job improved, moving off the ramp into the job I wanted via a stint in ops, now I was controlling the turnaround out on the apron and I felt motivated I was moving in the right direction toward my goal. The hours were just as long but t was more bearable being motivated. Christmas came and went still in love and new year. It still felt special but at a certain point, somewhere in the new year I felt I ran out of superlatives, when you tell someone every day you are souls yes or you love them with your whole heart it becomes routine, a baseline, how can you say more than that, how can you make it special. It was just a thought but it crept into my head. Her Christmas exams did not go as expected so the pressure was on for her to do well in her summer exams. The opening for British airways arrived so I was waiting for that and striving for the next stage, the next interview, the next test. One day I felt it. Suddenly she was distant, I wasn’t feeling the same, the special feeling disappeared. 'I love you’ became so normal it had no meaning, we were drifting, the magic had gone completely. Overnight. We were living together, both aware of this growing elephant in the room but neither of us were doing anything about it. After the break up I saw the music video for 'Still’ by daughter and the similarities struck me hard. We carried on for maybe a month, I was desperate for the old relationship back and I pushed for that. And then the word love meant missing, we were sleeping next to each other, facing away just too timid, too afraid of the answer to ask the question seriously. I was still in love with her, I was terrified, upset, I could feel something going terribly wrong but nothing I tired was working. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion from the passenger  seat. One day I came to start my 6 day pattern, driving the 1 and a half hours down to Bath, I dragged my suitcase through the door and she grabbed my arm and pulled me into our room. She told me that she couldn’t do this anymore, things had changed, she didn’t feel the same and she didn’t love me anymore. I felt like I had jumped out of a plane, my stomach falling and I went into panic, I begged, I pleaded, I professed my love entirely. I told her I felt the magic go and I was desperate to be 'back like we were’ , we cried, I was on my knees and her sat on the end of our bed. Tears dripping everywhere I just felt helpless, my whole world, the last 20 months disintegrating in front of me. She begged me to stay and not to drive home but I couldn’t, I dragged my suitcase back, I got Easter eggs from my car I had got for the house and handed them tearfully to a housemate who gave me a hug and wished me well. I sat in the car feeling empty, destroyed. I called home to tell them I would be coming back and I started driving home. I called my best friend. Crying and crying he had broken up with his long term relationship 2 weeks before. He listened to me as I cried and drove home through rain and my own tears. I felt no better for all his consolation. I didn’t really accept it, it was so much of an attitude change to have someone you have spent nearly two years with evaporate from your life. I wished it had never happened, I could forget, I could be like the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and have somebody delete my memories. It sounds incredibly dramatic but it is comparable to having someone you live pass away. Suddenly, even with an incling of  warning it all disappears and then go through the same processes. At first I couldn’t accept it, I wouldn’t, it wasn’t possible. I couldn’t imagine my life going forward with that big of a hole in it. Gradually it faded to a grim acceptance. The adage that time is the only healer was repeated to me by countless friends. It is cruel but true, there’s nothing you can really do right now to make t better but one day it will be okay. That night I came home to my mother who hugged me and sent me to bed. I was two hours in my own bed before I had to get up for work. I didn’t sleep at all, I dragged myself up and into my uniform, I set out at 2am for Bristol airport. It felt like a bad dream, driving by moonlight, all alone in a very contemplative zone I almost convinced myself it didn’t happen. I cried all the way there, for nearly 2 hours. I took 5 minutes to gather my thoughts in the staff car park. I wiped away my tears, I got my shit together and I put a very fake and unconvincing brave face on it. I was a zombie, reactive but not present. I was so tired, physically and emotionally. Everybody of course knew something was up, even passengers looked at me funny and friendly familiar crew faces asked if I was alright. I got out an unconvincing yes, everybody looks like they’ve been crying when they dragged themselves up at 3am. I t was raining as it often was, I didn’t have my waterproof trousers and I sat there on the wing watching people board silently crying. The tears lost in the rain. I was staring at couples wishing so strongly to be that lucky, to have someone and to be with Amy, to make sense of it, to process what had happened but I could not.

TBC in Part 2…

Author: Anonymous