#i'd die for my mutuals i would lay down my life Just Ask

[ddsnafjkdn]

do u ever meet someone u just trust a little too much bcuz like thats me @ my mutuals

[wri0thesley]

i know we all love toji being nasty, but i'd love to see a (slightly) sweeter side of him and the reader as mamaguro, if possible?? maybe featuring the reader in his lap, the first time toji's ever really wanted to really do right by his partner... the ability of a man like him to have a softer side has plagued me ever since akutami said he mellowed out with his wife 😭

saying the important things - toji x fem!reader (2.1k)

toji’s not the kind of man who wears his heart on his sleeve. but he’ll try, for you. 

warnings: none! reader is mamaguro and uses fem pronouns, pregnancy is briefly talked about. this is just soft honestly

[reblogs/comments appreciated! // my jjk masterlist]

Megumi is sleeping.

He lays in his crib, his chubby cheeks squished against the soft mattress, his hair dark and messy. At times like this, you can see so much of Toji in him, and it makes your heart ache. You can’t believe that you helped create something so perfect – from his tiny face, the tilt of his nose, the perfectly formed fingers and toes . . . You find it hard to believe that Megumi could really be yours.

“You’re starin’ at the kid again.”

Toji’s voice comes from behind you and startles you – you jump, guiltily turning to see your husband. His voice is dark and rough, but as you see him you realise that his face is anything but. Oh, sure – he has a scar bisecting the corner of his lip, muscles rippling out of a tight black shirt. But the look on his face is peaceful, and as he meets your eyes it just seems to fade into something even more so.

“You come stare at him,” you say, “you’ll understand why.”

He makes a little huff of amusement – but Toji Fushiguro is under your thumb, so he humours you by moving forward. Big arms wrap around your waist, making you feel safe and held in his embrace. His chin rests on your shoulder, sharp green eyes on the messy-haired bundle of wonder sleeping in the crib that you’d watched Toji build with a screwdriver clenched between his teeth.

(“How hard can it be?” He’d asked you. “S’flat pack, right? Guys who aren’t half as smart as me do it--”. In the end, it had taken six and a half hours and Toji had had to physically pick you up and sit you down on a chair because you couldn’t stop bending down to help. He’d placed his hands on his hips and pointed an accusing finger at you. “You’re gonna get yourself stressed, sweetheart, and it isn’t gonna do any good for the kid.” You hadn’t expected Toji Fushiguro to be the over-protective kind . . . but you’d be lying if you said that his pout and furrowed eyebrows weren’t adorable).

Megumi’s eyes had turned the same shade of green as Toji’s around the five month mark, for the record.

“We did a good job, huh?” There’s a hint of pride in Toji’s voice that he does his best to dampen down – he’s trying to be cool, even now. Your hands come to rest over his own, where they’re clasped onto your hips.

“I think we did a great job,” you tell him, and snorts out a little laugh against your neck that tickles, making you bend back into sub-consciously. “No, really. I think he’ll fetch a high price on the black market. Look at all of that hair.”

“Takes after me,” Toji tells you. “I think I’d fetch a high price too.”

“You know you’d fetch a high price,” you say, turning around to wrap your arms around his neck. You find yourself on your tip-toes just so you can feel a little closer to equal to him. “You’re a wanted man, Mr Fushiguro--”

“You’re a wanted woman, Mrs Fushiguro,” He says, bending his head – and his lips brush across yours, and you feel your entire body fill with the heady knowledge that he wants you. You know it – he makes it clear in the gentler way he holds you against him, his attempts to do chores around the house, the way his fingers entangle with yours when you’re out doing grocery shopping as a little family. But there’s something that you can’t quite express that feels all the more special about the embrace and the words when you two are on your own.

It hadn’t always been like this.

When you’d first met Toji, he’d been all dark flashing eyes and dangerous smile and tugging hands, a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth as he flirted and charmed his way into your life. His voice had been dark and deep, he’d winked at you and made insinuations and insisted, occasionally, that this wasn’t a relationship so much as a mutually beneficial arrangement--

Until someone else had flirted with you in a club and Toji had grabbed your hand and pulled you into him, arm wrapping around your waist. Perhaps you’d been trying to make him jealous – you’d long ago accepted that your crush on Toji and desire to make him yours officially were going to come to a sticky end, seeing as he seemed to value his freedom so highly – but you hadn’t expected it to work.

He’d murmured into your neck that night that you were his, forever, and he never wanted to see someone else’s hands on you again--

“Does this mean I can call you my boyfriend, finally, then?” You’d asked, a hand cupping his cheek, thumb brushing the scar on his lip. Toji had grinned at you, dark and deep and dangerous but warmer than you’d ever seen it. He’d held you that night like he’d just realised how precious you were.

“Sweetheart,” he’d said to you in response. “Hell. Y’can call me your husband if you want.”

You had laughed and thought he was joking.

“Maybe I’ll try that after a proper proposal,” you’d said, tapping his nose. You’d expected him to grab your hand before you could make contact and pin you underneath him, tell you off for being so cheeky – but instead, the pad of your finger had made contact with it and you swore you’d seen a dark flush dust his high cheekbones.

You’d figured that was the end of it, until two weeks later he’d pulled out an expensive-looking ring whilst the two of you watched a movie.

“Well?” He’d asked you, looking almost uncomfortable – almost afraid that you might say ‘no’. “Whaddya say, angel? Gonna try callin’ me husband now?”

And you had.

He’d confessed everything to you before he’d asked about taking your name. His exact line of work, why he wanted to leave his old surname behind – and though you know you shouldn’t have, you’d simply taken it in stride. If this was what it took to have him, you would accept it; it had been too long, and you loved him too much, to simply walk away. You’d found out you were expecting Megumi six weeks before the small wedding and had told Toji immediately.

He’d seemed scared, but he’d seemed excited to – whirling you around like you weighed nothing before he anxiously put you back down and stepped back.

“That’s fine, right?” He’d asked. “I dunno much about kids. I haven’t hurt ‘em or anything, have I?”

He’d made a real effort around the house whilst you were incapacitated by your pregnancy, too – sometimes too much of one, as he batted away your attempts at cooking or cleaning with an insistent ‘I can do it, sweetheart!”. You’d let him make mistakes – honestly, a couple of disasters notwithstanding he’d made a decent effort.

You’re not afraid to leave Megumi alone with him, though Toji still hasn’t quite mastered the life skill of ‘talking to my baby as if he is my child and not simply a friend who I want to slightly intimidate’.

Sometimes you see Toji sat in an armchair with Megumi in his arms, a tiny hand wrapped around Toji’s massive thumb, and you think you could die from how much you love them both.

“C’mon,” Toji murmurs, breaking the kiss. “He’s fast asleep.”

You let yourself be dragged over to said armchair in the corner of the room, next to the little case of children’s books you and Toji had chosen for him

Megumi likes dogs; he claps his pudgy little hands together whenever one is introduced in the bright colours and flat pages. At nine and a half months, he had furrowed his little face and pronounced; “Gog. Goggy.”. Toji had grabbed the cheap camcorder that he’d been recording as many milestones as possible on and tried to bully Megumi into saying it again, but all of the footage he’d actually gotten was you laughing in the background as Megumi attempted to cross his chubby little arms and look at his father in disapproval. He had not said ‘goggy’ again until you had thoughtlessly picked up a little pair of black and white stuffed dogs whilst in a toy-shop with him to show him. Toji had had to go back to the shop ten minutes before closing to purchase them, and even now Megumi tucks them under his arms when you take him out in his pushchair.

You let yourself, too, be pulled into Toji’s lap as your husband gets comfortable, readjusting your body so he can wrap his arms around you and you can bury your face into his neck.

He smells like cigarettes and your laundry powder, familiar and comforting.

He takes a deep, pleased breath that makes the muscles in his throat ripple – you bring up a hand and trace them, fingertip lodging in the hollow of his throat for a moment before your hand moves down to rest over his clavicle, and then where his heart is beating steadily under his clothes and skin.

“You feelin’ me up, baby?” He asks with a smirk. “Y’can just ask, you know--”

“I’m feeling your heartbeat,” you say to him, listening to his pulse in his neck. “I think it might have stopped. We should look into it.” “Is this because I made that joke about the black market? Babe, you’d never let me fuckin’ sell our kid--” “Don’t swear around Megumi,” you say, automatically, your eyes swivelling to Megumi’s crib without moving your head from its comfortable position. “You’ll give him a dirty mouth.”

“You love my dirty mouth,” Toji purrs, the arm around your waist pulling you in tighter and closer. Heat rushes to your face and you give him a headbutt in the neck that’s half affectionate and half warning.

“Not now,” you say, sighing comfortably. Toji is warm and solid and always there for you. “I’m too comfy.”

“Ah, far be it for me to interrupt your nap-time,” he teases, but he pushes a kiss onto your forehead anyway. “Hell, I could go to sleep here myself. Nobody said havin’ a kid would be this much effort.”

“Everyone said it,” you say, stifling a yawn. “You just didn’t believe them.”

He snorts again.

“Y’got me there,” he says. “Wouldn’t change him for the world, though.”

“You’re just saying that because he takes after you,” you smile against his skin. “If he looked like me and acted like me, if he was sweet and demure--”

This gets another laugh from Toji, who knows exactly just how not sweet and not demure you can be.

“I’d love him even more, probably,” he says. “We’re gonna have some fuckin’ blow-ups in the future, sweetheart. Good job you’ll be around to sort out your men, right?”

The arm not about your waist moves so he can cup your face now, tip your chin up towards him. His eyes are still very sharp, but they’re softened with love as he looks down at you. Toji gives you these moments in the quiet of night – when he’s not formerly-of-the-Zenin-family, when he’s not the ‘Sorcerer Killer’, when he’s not an assassin-for-hire – when he’s just Toji Fushiguro, your husband and father of your child. You treasure every single one of them and hold them close to you like a precious pearl, stringing them onto a necklace of memories you’ll cling to forever.

“I’ll be around forever,” you tell him. “If I die, I’ll come back to haunt you and tell you what a shitty job you’re doing on the PTA.”

He snorts.

“Don’t even joke,” he tells you with a flickering smirk – but that smirk quickly drops away to be replaced with a look of intense solemnity. “You know I love you, don’t you?”

“Are you getting soft on me?” You ask, but the hand tipping your chin up does a little jerk.

“Please,” Toji says, a little softer now. “Let me tell you I love you and mean it.”

Sparks fly all through your stomach, your heart twisting in your ribcage. You rarely see this kind of gravitas on his face – he rarely takes this tone, almost needy as he implores you to listen.

“I love you too,” you breathe. “You know that.”

He pulls you into a kiss that knocks the breath out of you, that makes you feel like you and Toji and Megumi are the only real people on Earth and everyone else is an imitation.

“Yeah,” he says, gruff. “Doesn’t mean I don’t like hearin’ you say it, though.”

[friendly-philosopher]

Forbidden Feelings and Hidden Corners: Draco Malfoy X Reader

Finally! I've posted this for your request! Thanks for requesting. I don't know if this was what you expected, but I hope you'd like it. Happy reading!

"I am asking you for the final time boy! If you don't accept the mark from the dark lord, I'll have to find ways to make you accept it." The Lestrange woman sneered at her nephew.

Narcissa Malfoy stood hidden in the darkest corner of the room, blending with the darkness, making Draco doubt if she was really there. He knew she wanted to help him, but the wizarding laws, the wedding laws, and the way she was brought up made her unable to speak against her sister who was obsessed with the dark lord, nor her husband who had his arms crossed, staring at his son, who had become the biggest disgrace to the Malfoy bloodline, with disgust.

"Are you taking it or not?" Bellatrix snapped once again.

Draco let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes. The moment he did, all he could remember was her – his sunshine.

He could remember all the beautiful memories with her. Her stunning smile, her radiant face, her ethereal beauty, her angelic laugh, her soft kisses, everything about her, only her!

He remembered how she would interlock her fingers with his. He remembered how she would cuddle with him. He remembered how she would run her fingers through his hair. He remembered how she would hug him from behind, announcing her presence. He remembered how she would make him lay his head on her stomach, hugging him and falling asleep on the couch. He remembered how she would hold him, when everything became too much for him to handle. He remembered how she would hint soft kisses on his head, forehead, nose and finally his lips. He remembered how they both would spend their nights in the astronomy tower, star-gazing.

Finally, he remembered the way she would mumble "I love you"s in between the kisses. Now, he wished he could have told it back to her. He had always been a very private person, building walls. She was the first one to break many of those walls. Yet, he was afraid to tell her that he loved her.

But she waited. She knew how he was when it came to feelings. She knew expressing emotions weren't his strong suit. So, she was patient enough to give him the time he needed, and he appreciated it.

But now, he regretted taking too much time to just state a fact - the fact that he loved her to the moon and back , she was his everything and he wanted a forever with her.

"No!" he heard himself whisper.

"What?" Lucius snapped.

"No! I'd never take the mark nor become a death eater." He stated firmly and felt proud of that bravery.

Lucius glared at him but Bellatrix just laughed an evil, cold laugh that could rival her master's.

"We'll see my dear!" she told him in a sickeningly sweet tone and left Draco's room, motioning his parents to join her.

***

(Y/N) (Y/L/N) missed Draco Malfoy. If someone had told her that she would miss him so badly that her heart will ache for him, four years before, she would have laughed at them. But now, after years of getting to know the true him and loving him, he had become everything to her. She had caring friends and was really grateful for them, but she missed him.

True, their relationship was a secret one, and no one knew about them. But it didn't mean she loved him any less. She loved him all the same and she knew he loved him too, even if he wasn't so vocal about it. She loved spending time with him, and wasted all her days anticipating their midnight meetings.

Her being a Gryffindor, a muggle-born and worse, a part of the golden quadruplet, and best friend to the golden trio and Draco being a pureblooded, a Slytherin and worse, a Malfoy, had them not go public in mutual understanding. But she did love the memories of the midnight, and they took care of their forbidden feelings in their in hidden corners!

But, it had been a week - a week since holidays were over, a week since school had started, a week since she had seen him, a week he didn't attend school. She decided to write him an anonymous letter to find if he was okay. If he got the letter, he would recognize her handwriting immediately. If it somehow, fall in the wrong hands, then they can't know it was from her. Boy, how wrong she was.

She sent a letter to him. It contained a simple question : "Are you okay? Missing you!"

***

It was the first Hogsmeade weekend of the Sixth year for the Golden quadruplet. They were enjoying themselves. Even (Y/N) had pushed aside her worries for a few hours and enjoyed the time with her friends. They decided to head to the 'Three Broomsticks' for a butter beer. While they started walking, suddenly everything became dark and they could feel themselves being grabbed harshly and being aparrated to somewhere.

When (Y/N) opened her eyes, she found herself in a dungeon. She could see her friends in some sort of jail.

She heard someone calling her. The voice was so familiar. Her breath hitched in her throat and her eyes widened. It couldn't be!

"Draco!" She whispered, turning around.

She saw him. It was really him. But his hands were held behind his back by his father while his aunt stood near him.

"How is our little surprise, Draco dear?"

"Let them go!"Draco snapped, pulling his hand away from his father's grasp and reaching for his wand. But before he could even point it against her, Bellatrix disarmed him and bound him with a rope. His wand fall down near his legs and he was forced to look at Bellatrix, now circling (Y/N).

"Ahh....I take it you are the pretty little mudblood that bade my nephew turn against us?" (Y/N) remained silent. "Did you seriously think we can't find you if you didn't sign the letter. Our pure blood magic is way better than that!" She spat.

"Shove your pure blood pride up in your - "

But before she could finish her statement, she fell to the floor, screaming.

"Draco, you take the mark or enjoy watching her die a slow and painful death."

Tears flowed freely from Draco's eyes as he watched the love of his life on the floor, screaming an writhing in pain.

"Please, stop it!" He screamed.

"Will you take the mark, then?"

Before he could answer (Y/N) spoke "Draco, don't. They are gonna kill me even if you take the mark. They'd never let us get together. At least, I'll die knowing I saved you from a terrible fate!"

"Shut up, mudblood! No one asked you to speak" Bellatrix sneered, throwing another "crucio" at her.

Magic is a wonderful thing. It can understand emotions more than any human being ever could. And it did. When Draco felt love for her, anger at his father and aunt for doing this to her and frustrated because he couldn't do anything to save her, his magic swooped in to save the day. His magic came out of his hand without a wand, blasting the iron bars open, freeing the Golden Trio and bursting the lights of the dungeon.

Bellatrix's wand flew away from her hand and so did Lucius's. He caught it and threw them to the trio, before picking up his own, grabbing (Y/N) and apparating to the first place he could think of – The Shrieking Shack. He saw that she was unconscious. She carried her bridal style all the way through Hogsmeade, towards Hogwarts. People stared at him throughout the way, but he didn't care. He walked as quickly as he could, because the only thing he cared about was saving her.

Draco was in a daze all the while – explaining the situation to the matron, the headmaster, Professor Mcgonagall and Professor Snape ; the golden trio rushing in, out of breath, apologizing to them for all his faults and his bullying, his hateful attitude; them forgiving him after seeing the way his own family treated him but saying that it would take them sometime to accept him for who he really was.

Finally, (Y/N) decided to open her eyes. Seeing her best friends and boyfriend having a civil conversation, she thought she was having a dream. But the memories of the past hours came back to her and she sat up suddenly, her body feeling like it was set on fire.

"But why did they take us to make you get the mark?" Harry inquired, stupidly.

"Er.." Draco uncertainly glanced at (Y/N), thinking if it would be appropriate for him to tell them without her, only to see her awake.

He immediately rushed to her, and hugged her gently, like she was a glass flower who'd break at the smallest level of pressure.

"I'm sorry" he mumbled, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

"It's okay!" She told him, cupping his face and gently peppering kisses all over his face, finally landing on his lips, locking it with her own. As they pulled away from the kiss, they could see the totally gobsmacked faces of Harry and Ron, and a slightly shocked yet satisfied look on Hermione's.

"Uh....guys.....I have something to tell you."

"I've been doubting this since the Christmas break of the last year!" Hermione whispered.

"Guys....We really love each other! You've seen him only as a pureblooded Slytherin bully but I've seen the other side of him. The one that has emotions and insecurities, fears and desires, just like a normal person. And I fell in love with that side of him. But you are important to me as well. I would be happy if you accept us!"

"How long has this been going on?"

"Um...We started being civil to each other from the time he was scratched by Buckbeak. You know I love helping around in the infirmary and I helped him. Then we met in the Astronomy tower, quite coincidentially but then started meeting each other. We got into a relationship by the beginning of the last year."

"Are we that bad friends, that you've been lying to us for years?"

"No! The problem was you guys were amazing friends and I felt guilty about loving someone who you considered your enemy! But I couldn't help it. We can't control who we fall for, can we? You guys are very important to me and I didn't want to lose you. I love you too much to lose you!" She said, and she could feel tears leaving her eyes. Draco interwined his fingers with hers and squeezed it. The trio didn't miss his movement. They sighed.

"We understand that he does care for you, or the deatheaters would have never used you to threaten him."

"But one thing Malfoy! You hurt her and we kill you!"

(Y/N) beamed and Draco smiled.

"I would never even dream of it! I love her too much to hurt her!" He said, looking into her eyes. Their gaze locked and they smiled.

There was a war approaching, those were dark times, but they were there for each other. He had her and she had him. And to them, that was enough!

(A/N: Hope everyone liked it! Requests ae still open and you can request me in the comment section or PM me!

Until the next update

- Mischief Managed!)

[starlightxsvt]

Halcyon

Pairing: Jun x female reader

Genre: angst, crack, fluff, suggestive

Warnings: some cursing

Word count: 3k

"I didn't think you were the type to loose your sanity for a girl," you mumble as you drag Jun's sluggish body into his bedroom. "Me neither," comes his slurr, a drunk smile plastered on his face. You scoff, pushing him into the bed and reach for the half full plastic water bottle in his nightstand, helping him drink it up before laying him back on the bed.

"Mmm, dirty girl. Are you trying to take advantage of me?" Jun slurrs, a stupid smile plastered on his face as he wiggles his eyebrows at you. You smack him in on the shoulder grumbling, "I should have left you in the bar, idiot."

"But you didn't," Jun giggles staring at the ceiling, his arms and legs spread wide on the bed. You roll your eyes and offer, "Let me take off your jacket. It must feel uncomfortable."

"Mmm, you really horny, no Y/n?" He grins at you and you fume. Even though you know the boy is drunk, his teasing gets on your nerves. You heave in a deep sigh, getting yourself together. Ignoring his protests you get rid off Jun's jean jacket and manage to put a pillow under his head. Then you grab some painkillers and set them down on his nightstand saying, "I'm keeping some medicine here. Take them after you wake up."

You don't get any reply, instead Jun stares at his ceiling murmuring, "Why does she like him so much? What does he have that I don't?"

Your heart breaks for the boy. Softly you take a seat beside his head. You whisper, "It's okay, Jun. You'll find someone better. Maybe you've been trying too hard for her to notice that someone else may like you." Jun's eyes meet yours, "Really?" You swallow and nod. And she's right in front of you, Jun.

Jun sighs as he sloppily places his head on your lap, "You're really nice you know."

Your heart constricts. You say nothing, softly stroking his hair, hoping he'd fall asleep soon. "You should get a boyfriend. You've been single since birth," Jun yawns. "Don't worry, I'll help you find a nice guy..." his voice trails off as his breathes come out softer, more evenly.

-

You've known Jun since primary school. You were neighbors who visited each other often. From building legos to sneaking out late night for a drive, you've done it all with Jun. As time passed your feelings for Jun grew into something more than just fondness and friendship. Unfortunately, Jun didn't feel the same because he never showed any sign of such and went around dating girls. But that didn't mean he forgot about you, no. He was there for you when you needed him and he took it up to himself to protect you - like an elder brother. It hurt you, your feelings hanging on the tip of your tongue but you could never get them out.

And just like that, after graduation both of you moved out of your small town and into the city and shared an apartment - your parents more than happy that you had Jun by your side. Yes, he was by your side, just not the way you wanted.

Jun's crush is a mutual friend, you both met her after moving into the city. She is nice and pretty and when Jun asked her out, maybe for the first time in his life, he got rejected. Soon after she got engaged and tonight she had thrown a party inviting all of her friends to celebrate. At first you suggested not to go because you knew Jun would end up like this but he protested, saying he wasn't a coward.

You look at his relaxed features as he sleeps and your heart aches. You feel bad for him. But worse for yourself.

-

Morning comes quicker than you expected and after freshening up, you rush to Jun's room. He sits in the middle of his bed, hair sticking out in different directions, staring at the floor in an unfocused gaze. You note that the pills from his nightstand is gone so he must've taken them.

"How do you feel? Are you sober now?" You chirp, entering his room. "I'm moderately functional," comes his grumble as he stares at the floor. You frown, "I'll...take that as a no."

"No, I'm sober but I wanna get drunk again. My head hurts so fucking bad, nghh." He flops back into his bed and you smile fondly at him. "Should've thought about that before getting wasted." His reply is a groan as he rubs his face. You offer, "How about I make you some soup? Can you take a shower? I'm sure you'll feel better."

Few hours later, Jun joins you for brunch as he drinks his soup and you finish the leftover chocolate cake.

"How do you feel?"

"Could be better."

You chuckle. He looks better for sure. His hair is slightly damp and his toned body peeking from underneath the thin white tee he's wearing. You swallow trying to take your mind out of the gutter.

"What are you looking at?" Jun asks casting his eyes to your laptop in front of you. "Oh, um... apartments..." You swallow. Jun's brows knit together in confusion as he sits down beside you, "What? Why?"

'Well, I was thinking of moving out."

Jun stares at you like you've grown two heads before speaking, "What the fuck Y/n? Why-why would you do that?"

You swallow trying to think of a convincing answer, "Well, I wanted to move somewhere closer to work you know, not take the subway?"

"I can drop you to work, you just need to say-"

"No it's okay, I just-"

"Do you have a boyfriend Y/n? Is that what you are hiding? If you want to move in with someone else you can just tell me!"

"No! No- it's not that. Just, listen-"

"No Y/n. I don't want to listen. I'm hurt, okay? We've been living together for so long and now you suddenly start looking for apartments to move out without discussing with me. I thought we were best friends. If you don't like living with me, you could've just said it." Jun stands up to leave.

Before you know it, the words slip past your mouth, "It's because I like you, okay!" Your eyes go wide as realization hits you and Jun stares at you, stuck in his place. It's like the whole world stops as both of you stare at each other, your heart thrumming loudly in your chest.

It's do or die now.

"Yes, I like you. I like you since - I don't know, forever maybe. You're always caring and looking out for me and it's hard not to have feelings for you okay? But it's harder to be close to you and watch you pin over other girls when you're all I want. So yes, I wanna move out. I wanna stay away from you so that I don't cry everytime you fuck or get drunk over someone else. And I'm sorry if I hurt you but I think this is for the best."

By now, a stray tear rolls down your cheek and you suck in a breath, annoyed at yourself. Jun stands immobile, gazing at you and just when you're about to open your mouth, he comes right in front of you to engulf you in his arms. You stop breathing as he squeezes you against his chest, his head resting on your shoulder. "J-Jun..."

"Why didn't you say that before?"

"Say what?"

"That you like me," he releases you and meets your eyes as you swallow nervously, "I...I don't know. You were never interested in me and... I was scared, I guess."

"I liked you in middle school, then highschool but you never gave me any sign. Instead whenever we talked about dating you said you'd rather stay single. So I kept my feelings to myself."

You stare at him, flabbergasted, your jaw unhinged before you suddenly burst out, "Well if you at least asked me out properly instead of being a pussy, we would be dating by now!" Jun flinches slightly at your voice, then sighs. "Yea, right, I'm sorry." You sigh with frustration before murmuring, "I'm sorry too. We're just both big idiots."

A soft chuckle escapes Jun as he gazes at you fondly, "We are." You smile, suddenly feeling shy as you try to avoid eye contact. Jun whispers, "Y/n, let me do this properly. Will you be my girlfriend?"

You chew on your bottom lip, your insides warming up. Elated your almost jump on him, hugging him tightly, "Yes! Yes, I'd love to!" Jun pulls you back to look at you, a dazzling smile plastered in his face as his hands gently stroke your cheek. "I want to kiss you."

"About time, Wen Junhui."

His lips mold into yours, a perfect match. His hand tilts your neck, guiding you expertly through the kiss. Soft moans escape from both of you as your tongues collide and when you pull back you realise your legs are wrapped around his waist. You smile sheepishly, warmth on your cheeks as he pecks your forehead, heading for his bedroom. "About time we do the other thing."

You look up at him, burning in embarrassment as you ask, "Um, right now?" He peers down at you frowning, "What? Isn't it about time we cuddle? Wait- what were you thinking, dirty girl?"

"I- Wen Junhui, I swear to God!" You hit his chest as he howls with laughter, dropping you to the bed.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Let's do the dirty, shall we?"

A/N: Hello lovelies! Yep, reposting cuz Tumblr ate up my post ughh. Anyway, I was so stressed out because I wanted to write something fluffy and cute for our Junnie and it isn't really my forte. I really hope you enjoyed reading this and if you did please let me know. Your words really inspire me to keep writing. 💖

My masterlist -> here

[hetalia-has-a-secretary]

Imagine a scenario, where the country representative develops romantic feelings towards their soldier, who 100% loves them back, but thinks about it as "I-its just a patriotic love, r-right??" And what's worse, it's a wartime, and the soldier is so loyal, that they're willing to die for their country with no regrets like a hero, without realizing how much it might hurt representative's heart. Even though the victory is extremely needed, (c/n) can't leave their soldier to sacrifice themselves, but they can't be together all the time either (cuz soldier is a mortal human, and country.. is a country). Note that they probably won't confess to each other until the war ends. (Or until some dramatic event, if you choose an angsty route)

So.. what do you think about it? I'd ask you to make axis&allies hcs on this, but I think it's a way too much xD You may choose any of countries you like to explore this~

This sat in drafts too long. I apologize for getting caught up in the Headcannons so much that I'd didn't do the exact thing you asked for... (I have a habit of doing this and I'm extremely sorry) but if the countries heard news that their soldier was injured they'd all 100% fight to get to them. I also changed the scenerios up a little For each country because it just fit better for the Headcannons. I.E I had a scenerio in my head, and it leaked all over the ask :3

Trigger warnings: Blood, mentions of violence, and amputations, minor mentions of alcohol. (If I missed anything let me know!)

Allies and Axis x Treasured!Soldier: Battle Scares.

Allies:

America:

The amount of panic set in was unbearable.

It was bad enough he had to painfully separate himself from England, but to hear news that he might lose his best soldier?

No, they were more than that, but he was so busy with the war he forgotten all but how he truly felt.

Even more so, he had to distance himself because a country and a human love was (at this time) unheard of.

He tried but seeing them laying on a dirty table, whiskey in hand to numb the pain, that was the final straw.

Running over and fighting past the nurses and doctors he stood at their side, caressing their face.

"Sir? Why are you here. I can still hear the gunfire. They're closing in on us..."

The soldier's illusions did nothing to stop Alfred from spilling his emotions to a mostly drunk, and badly injured human.

The worst pain came from the lack of response, and being pulled away from their table side.

Back at the main base of operations he was too distracted to be drinking over a victory.

To him, it was still worth the freedom, but not worth the loss.

Then it burned him at how many others felt this pain.

His head spun from the alcohol, but not being fully drunk, he was hyper aware of the whole place that had gone silent.

Looking around for the cause of the broken happy atmosphere he spotted his beloved soldier, crutches under each arm, and missing a leg.

Yet they still gave him the biggest smile.

"Was I not invited to the celebration?"

England:

"Too soon" he thought, no he begged to whatever cruel god would allow this to happen. How his soldier became cannon fodder was beyond him, but he's going to best the life out whatever general allowed them to go the first wave of attack.

Not only were they badly injured, but they were still somewhere in enemy territory. The other soldiers couldn't find his top combatant, but England is.

He was gone for hours, even if he found them dead, bleeding out, or worse they would be found.

Meanwhile the rest of his army grew sick with either guilt, or shame for not trying harder.

Back out on the field, underneath fallen trees and broken up rocks laid his gem.

His gem. He tried to avoid it. Tried to sweat it off as admiration, but it was to no avail.

Heart sinking, he screamed and hollered as he dug out the fallen soldier from the rubble and debris.

Soft groans made his heart flip as his treasured soldier shifted.

"shh, shh, shh, shhh- do not move love."

He tried to quiet them, but what they said next surprised him.

"Love, huh? I can't tell you how long I've wanted to hear you call me that..."

Blush across both faces, they made it back to base.

Since then his feelings towards them had grown, and he had them the new general of his army, that way they were able to stay as close as possible.

France:

This was the worst case scenario.

Everyone was celebrating in the mess hall, the final victory was won, but something was off.

When he realized his top soldier was MIA from the party his face paled. Panic setting in, he rushed around and questioned everyone.

How where they not accounted for? His heart ached and body was shaking viciously as he went to check their room.

Nothing. His soldier was nowhere to be found.

Tonight was the night he was planning on flooding a private room with his feelings towards them. But now...

Then it dawned on him to check the infirmary. He almost regretted it.

Sat up right, bandage on their side they sat. Alone.

He rushed over asking a thousand questions. Why, how, what.

He was surprised and utterly ticked off when they told him they had hidden their wounds, and had fixed themselves up.

He still had someone check them over, just in case. Despite their proper knowledge of these kind of wounds.

He wanted to say it. How heavy they made his to give feel, and how fast his heart would beat.

But he refused to cause any more strain to them. For now, they drank and ate in private. Plans of a new tomorrow giving them both reassuring hope.

China:

He froze, the enemies retreating.

All around him his men cheered but his heart lumped up in his throat as he darted over to a figure a few feet away.

The battle was exhausting, and a good handful of his calvary had fallen. Including his soldier, and close friend.

They had given a shrill shriek moments before the battle was won, and China couldn't see where they were through the fighting. Not until the enemy cleared way did he see them on their knees. A blade embedded in their back.

Once he rushed over the others followers through and it was a team effort to get them somewhere safe to examine them.

He was now under the assumption that his fighter was not going to make it to sun rise.

But he did not leave their side. He was not going to let them die alone, and though they faded out of consciousness, he took his time filling their ears with his confession.

Chokes and tears filling his eyes he laid his head and slept.

Then morning came. He stirred but refused to look up at the body that rested before him.

That is until he heard a faint snore.

His face flushed and he sprung up, almost missing the fact their hand had made it's way into his. A silent acceptance of his feelings.

Russia:

The blood spilled from the enemies as he easily cut open into everyone of them. His anger raging inside him.

Part of him recognized his blood lust, the rest of him not understanding why.

The only thing that gave away to his true feelings was the tears that tricked down as soon as he saw his soldier staining the snow with their own blood.

Moments and blinding rage passed quickly as he stayed worldless, carrying his favored human to the closest infirmary.

He sat by their side as the nurses and doctors worked at them. Refusing to move, and dare they fail him, punishment would be considered.

Dark violet eyes hummed with regret, hatred, and sadness.

If anyone had stared long enough they would see the broken breaths he had, the only sign of his inner emotions.

He did not want to lose something- someone so precious to him. To be left alone and so quickly after building trust between them was more than he could bare.

The gasps and coughing of his soldier stirred him, and he rose from his chair.

They coughed up blood, and cussed. Eventually they gave Russia the news that they had been unconscious, but not too badly hurt, but complete recovery would take time.

He nodded and thanked them for their work and left. The only sighs of his true affection was the rich delicious food and paper flowers that would show their way to the soldier's room.

Yet the war wasn't done yet, so Russia had plenty of time to figure out his own feelings, and hoped that his soldier would help him with that.

Axis:

Germany:

Hands dug into the fabric on his knees. He was side by side with his soldier, yet somehow some stray debris had found its way into their arm, almost severing it.

He was also injured, but not as badly. His knee was scrapped up but that pain was nothing as he was forced to watch his top soldier squirm and writhe in pain as their arm was... Taken.

He wasn't allowed past the curtains, his own wounds needing to be addressed.

The only comfort he could offer was his words of pride, and praises for their courage. He knew it wasn't enough to help them as the screaming stopped, and he felt a creeping fear grow stronger. Concern over their life taking over.

Moments went by, and he was finally allowed up, so he waltz right past the curtains and stood beside their linen bed.

Grabbing a washcloth and water, he softly cleaned up what was left of the blood, both on the bedding, and on the outskirts of their less brutal wounds.

He would take care of them when the others couldn't. He would be the reason they would recover, he had to be.

The day they fully came too, they requested to see him specifically.

It was Germany who was in shock of their confession.

"I needed to get it off my chest, guess that meant the arm had to go too..."

They laughed and he almost choked on his tears as they asked for a hug. He obliged.

From there on out Germany kept his own promise to make sure their life was worth living for. With or without mutual feelings.

Japan:

He's never touched anyone before. But this was a dire situation. His general, and most valued fighter, had been struck down by the cares, and was bleeding badly.

Japan had managed to fight off the enemies ambush, and was ripping sleeves and excess fabrics to stop the blood flow. The sounds of his close friend echoing through the trees shook his core.

He struggled carrying him to a medic, and his concern never waivered.

He almost walked away, unable to handle their screams as their wounds were treated.

He decided to tough through it anyway.

In that time he reflected over the situation, and he didn't realize the tears that had fallen. He wiped them away as best as he could. But the memory of their skin against his hand had set forth an unfamiliar urge.

It wasn't anything romantic, but the desire to protect them had increased, and it took him weeks after they started healing to come to his senses and admit his feelings.

The air was silent, and if felt stale. What was being asked felt almost forbidden.

Almost.

Italy:

White flags, after all, were just white flags. And some enemies did not take treaties lightly.

With Italy being under control of another country, his own army had suffered greatly. His heart weighing heavier with each loss, or vanished person.

But the one that hurt the most was a soldier he had praised time, and time again for risking their lives when he,.or the others couldn't.

A few scratches here and there were almost normal, but one day they had returned badly wounded.

Italy felt a surge of panic and fear as he ordered anyone to help treat their wounds.

His guilt for not staying closer grew with each passing second. He grew depressed as days went by. His soldier not arousing from their slumber.

Then one day they were gone. Confusion and hurt swelled within him.

He was close to just accepting the fact he just lost someone he had come to love, and almost openly.

He grew more fond of all the rejected passes and flirtatious remarks he gave his soldier. It was a little cat and mouse game for them both. But you can only play with fire for so long.

Then the door to their safe space swung open. His dear soldier at the door way, an enemy map in hand, blood on their shirt, and a smug grin in their face.

They had successfully infiltrated enemy lines, and came back with an advantage.

Italy wasted no time holding them, regardless of the others, and whispered his love to their ears. His solider promising to submit to his past affections and remarks as soon as they have more time to breathe and rest.

Yeah- y'all thought I wasn't going to get this sappy. Y'all thought wrong~ (just kidding I got super sucked up in this prompt I don't think I answered it correctly but ya know what. The sappiness stays!). Ignore literally any and all inaccuracies Because I know nothing about history or how armies work. These scenerios are purely created to fit the prompt and my style of writing so... There.

[fishoutofcamelot]

I'd like to preface this by saying that I love your blog and all the analysis that you've done on various characters, scenes and ships. You are one of my online heroes. I'm not sure if you're still doing the ship asks, but if you are, what are your thoughts on frelin?

Dude tysm! I’m not sure ‘online hero’ is a great way to describe someone who once made a post comparing dragonlords to furries, but I’ll take the compliment nonetheless!! Your kind words have given me enough dopamine to last until my next paycheck <3

Freylin is a decent ship - conceptually. They're two kindred spirits who found solace and intimacy with each other, drawn together by their mutual sense of otherness (possessing magic). However, I think Freylin does fall into some obvious trappings of Insta-Love, Heteronormativity, and Not Giving Female Love Interests Any Discernible Personality Traits.

For some people, that's not a problem. They like watching Merlin and Freya be cute and sappy with each other, and I'll agree that it was a treat to see such a fun side of Merlin. If that's the kinda ship you like, then great! Ship away. But personally, Freylin makes me feel bad for Freya. 

Not because of the death thing - lord knows I've done far worse to beloved characters without even a hint of remorse. But I feel bad for her because of her role in the ship. As mentioned above, her main purpose in the narrative and in Merlin's life is to give him some angst, then come back later in season 3 to give him some helpful advice as a sort of Freya Ex Machina. Her personality has no depth beyond what was necessary for the story. And even in fanon interpretations of her, she's essentially just a more shy/introverted carbon-copy of Gwen. 

And, okay, as a writer I can admit that there are some characters who don't need a lot of depth. Some characters are plot devices, and that's okay. Freya only appears in like two episodes, so under normal circumstances I'd begrudge that level of shallow characterization. But the rules are different for characters who have a close emotional connection with the MC, especially love interests - even episodic dalliances like Freya! 

Take Balinor, Will, and Daegal, for example. They were all important to Merlin, and all had distinct personalities. Balinor is cantankerous and reclusive. Will is pragmatic and confrontational. Daegal is earnest and youthfully naive. And we as the audience liked them too, because they felt like actual people, even though their main purpose in the story is mainly to serve Merlin's arc. They are, fundamentally, plot devices, but they don’t feel like plot devices because of how organically they’ve been written. 

Freya is a harder sell, because she doesn't have as much of a personality with which to endear us. I'm not saying we need to know Freya's favourite colour and her fondest childhood memory, nor do we need to witness her go through a seasons-long character arc. Not every background character needs their personality painstakingly detailed, least of all background characters. If well-written main characters are chicago deep-dish pizzas, then well-written background characters are hot pockets - easy to make, easy to love, easy to remember. Characters like Gilli and Elena and the love of my life Sophia are good hot pockets. But Freya as she currently is, she's not even that. She's like if we were told there was a hot pocket in the microwave, only to open it up and find it's just a lump of half-melted cheese. 

And it's sad, because Freya had the potential to be interesting. She could've had a distinct personality that made us fall in love with her right alongside Merlin - which would have made her death even more painful for both the characters and the audience alike. But even if you don't give her a personality, at the very least let her fulfill her purpose of furthering Merlin's character arc instead of just making him sad for a few minutes. 

While I'm by no means an expert writer, here's how I would've taken a crack at having Freya’s impact on Merlin's arc. 

So Merlin sees Freya again, but she's not some helpful water spirit. She's emotional and volatile and vengeful and deeply, profoundly traumatized by the nature of her death. And maybe it's his job to finally lay her soul to rest once and for all.

She gets upset at Merlin. She cries and shouts and weeps about her death, about the pain and injustice of it. How could he continue protecting her killer? How could he befriend the man who literally murdered her? Freya didn't want to die, she didn't want to be a monster, she didn't want to be alone (cue implications that she has been trapped inside the lake all this time, maddened by isolation). She just wanted to be left in peace. To be loved. Merlin naturally defends Arthur, saying that he is destined to be a good king, destined to free magic and bring about the golden age of Albion. But she insists that destiny must be wrong, because what has Arthur done for the magic community besides perpetuate his father's company line? He killed her, killed several others like her, and even to this day he condones the oppression of their people - what makes him think a man like that could ever change, could ever set them free? And even if he does, why should any of them be expected to forgive him for his war crimes? 

She tells him that deep down, Merlin knows this. Deep down, Merlin fears Arthur just as much as the rest of them. If he truly believed in Arthur's inherent goodness, in his destiny, then Merlin would not have kept his magic hidden for so long. 

Thus sparks a seed of doubt in Merlin's mind, and scenes like Morgana's speech in Tears Of Uther Pendragon Part 2, Arthur's drive to destroy the dragon egg in Aithusa, Kara's execution in Drawing in the Dark, and the confession in Herald of a New Age would only cause that seed to grow. 

Not only is this a natural and logical progression of his character, but it would also be compelling to see Merlin's unwavering loyalty to Arthur do exactly that - waver. It grants depth to his character, empathizes us to his cause and the cause of his people, and lets us see Merlin in a unique perspective. It also puts a new light on Arthur's actions, foreshadowing an eventual moment of reckoning where Arthur will have to face the consequences of his harmful rhetoric - thereby creating a subtle layer of tension as we wait for that moment to finally arrive. And there's yet another layer of tension that arises from Merlin's repressed yet growing doubts: will he finally admit that Arthur isn't the shining saviour Kilgharrah had promised he'd be? Will he snap like Freya did? Will he and Arthur drift apart? And if they do, what will bring them back together, if such a thing is even possible? How will they make amends? How will Arthur learn from his mistakes and earn back Merlin’s trust?

I could go on and on about how this would impact the story as a whole, but I'm not here to talk about my rewrite ideas. I'm here to talk about Freylin.

At the end of the day, while it's a good ship, Freya doesn't have much personality, which affects their overall chemistry, and I don't think they have enough going on between them to be an endgame pairing. My personal opinion is that Freya has less narrative potential as a romantic partner, and more narrative potential as a supplementary background character whose closeness to Merlin combined with her own trauma forces him to develop and grow in certain ways. She's less of a Gwen (long-standing love interest), and more of a Balinor (one-off character with emotional importance), and that's perfectly fine. But because of her lack of personality and overall narrative relevance, I have a hard time believing or shipping Freylin beyond the scope of her debut episode.

Thanks for the ask! <3

[letteredlettered]

anon ask: you know those scenes - in films or books or television - that stick in your mind? Like, for example, I think about a scene in Jane Eyre (when she sneaks in to see her friend Helen) all the time. Do you have a scene like that? More than one? I'd love to hear you describe them and tell us your thoughts about them.

I gotta say concepts from books/movies/shows stay in my head more than scenes. Like. In Jane Eyre, there are a lot of great scenes, but what sticks in my head is the radical idea that pursuit of love and your own happiness can be a greater good than pursuit of conventional ideals of good. But omg yeah when she sneaks in to be with Helen and there’s like, all this Christian imagery but Jane just wants her friend--I mean. That’s the crux of the book right there! Other people go off to God and Jane puts her foot down and says, “No! I want love right here on Earth! I want happiness right here on Earth! And I deserve it, dammit, and so do you!” Goddamn. I still love that book after all this time.

Okay but here are a few:

Set up for the scene: In Les Miserables, there’s this nun who never lies. Pages and pages are spent talking about not only about how this nun never lies but how lies are truly sins and evil, and in a lovely Hugo fashion these thoughts seem to belong to Hugo/the narrator but also to the nun, because lying is so goddamn bad, and about how this nun is truly capital G good because she would never ever lie; she is so GOOD; she is so JUST so PURE so RIGHT, a true CHILD OF GOD. Then Fantine is dead and Valjean has to go get Cosette and Valjean is just about to go do that.

Scene: Javert walks into the room where Valjean and the nun are. I thought Valjean hid in like a cabinet but I just checked on the book and it appears he just stood behind the door that Javert just opened in a dark corner of the room. And Javert goes to the nun, “So, are you alone in here?”

And nun goes, “Yup.”

END FUCKING SCENE (that is not the actual end I don’t care)

My thoughts about this:  Hugo is a GODDAMN TROLL who did all that just to get you to think about the goodness and important and like, virtuous NEED for truth, and to show us as important as all that is, it is never ever as important as simple human decency. Still one of my favorite moments in fiction ever. (But like. Most of Les Miserables is like that for me.)

*

Set up for the scene: In A Little Princess, Sara Crewe used to be rich and used to pretend she was a princess. She then falls upon hard times and people treat her badly, but in her head she still pretends she’s a princess. She is walking through the street one day, cold and wet and starving. Sara finds some money on the ground and realizes she can buy some hot buns with it. Lemme tell you these hot buns are the most goddamn exciting part of that book because by now you are FEELING how cold and hungry she is and it is EXCRUCIATING. So she buys four whole buns and you are like YES! SARA! BUNS! 

Scene: Sara, exiting the bun shop, sees another little beggar girl, colder and wetter than she is. Sara, thinking about what a princess would do, reaches in her bag and takes out a bun, and lays it in the girl’s lap. Then thinks again about what a princess would do, and takes out another bun, and lays that in the girl’s lap too. Then looks in her bag and thinks about how cold and wet and hungry she is. Then reaches in, takes out a third bun, and lays it on the girl’s lap. SHE ONLY SAVES ONE BUN FOR HERSELF

END FUCKING SCENE

My thoughts about this: Sara feels sorry for herself a lot and sometimes vindictive and petty but is always, always trying to be someone bigger and better and because she is trying so hard, usually succeeds at being good and kind in her outward actions. There’s this line in that book that goes, “There’s nothing so strong as rage except that which makes you hold it in.” I think it’s okay to let out your rage sometimes, and you should, but for me, knowing I could be stronger because I tried to be kinder changed my whole life forever and continues to change me.

*

Set up for the scene: In It’s A Wonderful Life, George Bailey has always wanted to leave his little town and travel, see far off places, and do something big and great and creative that has a serious impact on the world. Instead, various things happen that mean  he gets roped into his father’s little Savings and Loan company over and over, which builds housing for low income immigrants. George keeps trying to leave but his heart won’t let him walk away from those people, and then there’s Mary, whom he loves, but she wants other things, so if he commits to her he’d also have to compromise on his dreams. But he loves her so dang much and she loves him so dang much that they get married, and they got a lot of $$$ as wedding gifts, so at least they get to travel for their honeymoon, and they’re both so excited because George has dreamed of traveling so desperately. So on the way to the train station to their honeymoon from their wedding, George sees people rushing into the Savings and Loan, and stops to see what’s happening. Once inside, George finds out there’s a run on the banks--everyone wants to get out the money they’ve invested because of the big financial scare, but the company literally can’t give them all of their cash at once because it’s invested in different housing projects. The money is safe, just not accessible all at once all at the same time. The big banker in town is saying he’ll give everyone their money, but for half of what it’s worth, and this would take all the money out of the housing projects. So George tries to convince everyone to only take out what they need for just right now, instead of everything. But it’s still too much.

Scene: Fucking Mary shows up from out of fucking nowhere and holds up all of their honeymoon money and says, “How much do you need?” END OF SCENE I’m fucking crying as I write this

My thoughts about this:Like one, someone made a fucking movie that’s about things like housing projects and bank loans and the small monotonies of bureaucracy that actually make a huge fucking difference in people’s lives into a feel-good love story with a sci-fi ending what the fuck. Second. Just. George is so good; he immediately stops thinking about himself and all his dreams the second he finds out what is happening. And all we know about Mary up to this point is she’s super in love with George. But idk what means so much to me about this scene is I think we finally see why she’s in love with George: she’s in love with George because she cares about all these people too; she wants to help them too; doing this thing together with him is more important to her than a honeymoon. I just, idk, find you a someone who loves the thing you would die for more than they love their love for you. Or something.

*

one more let’s see.

Set up for the scene: In Star Trek, the original series, in “Devil In The Dark,” the crew goes down to help a mining colony. There’s this creature killing the miners, and the head of the mining colony is all, “Kill the beast!” and Kirk is like, “Idk we might have to.” And Spock is all, “No, we can’t; it’s the last of its kind and it’s important to SCIENCE!!!”

Scene: Kirk comes face to face with the creature, and Spock, sensing Kirk is in danger, is immediately, “Kill it kill it die die die!” and Kirk is like, “It’s not attacking me. Let’s wait and try to communicate, have a discussion, see what it wants, and see if we can compromise.”

END SCENE. I weep

My thoughts about this: This is just the most solid and beautiful juxtaposition of theoretical principle against practical compassion I’ve ever seen, paired with extreme Kirk/Spock feels. TOS is about the tension between the rigidity o fpure science/logic and the flexibility of feelings. Spock is one, but it is Bones who is the other, and Kirk is the compromise between them--someone who always uses Spock’s logic and intelligence to inform a situation but then makes decisions based on an intuition for compassion and a greater good. I feel like this scene epitomizes how logic is never pure, because it’s must always be rooted in a thinking feeling person--in this case Spock, who lets his feelings and instinct to protect his captain override his principles in the heat of the moment. Meanwhile, Kirk, who follows his feelings not into rage but into justice and patience, is--when confronted with another being face to face--able to believe that compromise and mutual understanding can result. It’s so beautiful I like, can’t even deal with that whole show.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: What it is, right, your twin left her coat at CG earlier & it's my neck if it's not back in her hands by me next shift Jimmy: pass it on Janis: Hmm Janis: Are you sure you've got the right person here? Jimmy: Grace Cavante is your sister isn't she? One of Janis: Unfortunately Janis: No doubt she'd rather you gave it to her yourself and that feeling is mutual, like Janis: Get a clue, lad Janis: couldn't be less obvious 'less she left her knickers Jimmy: Stop your chatting, a sec Jimmy: nowt's mutual that's why I'm asking you to get it, not her Jimmy: The resale's nowt either, I had a look Janis: You're in my inbox? Janis: Knew you were lost Janis: Poor Gracie, first you pie her then you call her cheap, gutted Jimmy: I've been round your family tree about 4 times Jimmy: Can't call myself lost Jimmy: You gonna grab this or nah? Janis: Unlucky, but I ain't gonna cry for you Janis: Wrong twin, again like Janis: What's in it for me? Already told me I can't flog it Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: well I'd shout you a muffin but if you're anything like her, I'll be the one eating it when you don't & I'm watching my figure meself Jimmy: guess the pleasure of my company works if you are? Janis: Tell you ain't from 'round here Janis: No 🍀 Janis: Nothing like her Jimmy: sounds more like my luck's finally in Jimmy: got enough stalkers Jimmy: more than I've done shifts Jimmy: what you want then, other twin? Janis: Not that I doubt how special you are Janis: I completely do, by the way Janis: You get to thinking how you can make me having to fucking regale every detail of this frankly riveting convo to my sister worthwhile and I'll get to walking, yeah? Jimmy: You wound me, girl 💔💔💔💔 Jimmy: I sought you out, whereas she's been in my inbox unread since my moving in date, that'd do for starters Janis: If the situation's a dire as you reckon, you'll have plenty consolation, boy Janis: Welcome Janis: State, honestly Jimmy: You're my consolation if you do me this delivery Jimmy: feeding me to the wolves in lipstick if you don't, basically Jimmy: 'ave it on your conscience if you want, mate Janis: Fucking Hell, if I start atoning for all her cringe or offering myself up as 'consolation' to every lad she makes a tit out of herself in front of I'll never get anything done Janis: Ugh, alright, brains, do your job for you as well, shall I? Just put your mate's number on her to-go 'stead of yours, yeah? Jimmy: alright but how many of 'em are coming to you direct for help, I'm making myself look as much of a tit here, aren't I? Jimmy: brutal you Jimmy: newbies don't have mates to throw under buses Janis: Well, don't be fooled by how available I seem Janis: phone never stops, like Jimmy: I'll find another way then Jimmy: if you stop by for coffee I'll misspell your name like we never chatted, don't worry Janis: Barista bants, how cute Janis: Whatever, it's on my route, I can get it tomorrow AM Jimmy: what you prefer, Janet or Janice? Let me know Janis: 😑 Janis: If you want my sister to ride you, keep on taking the piss, she'll love that, like Jimmy: if you want me to be nice to you, keep using your sister for that A+ excuse Jimmy: 'cause nah, there's nowt more appealing than her getting on her bike Janis: Ha, fuck off, you're the one with a tips jar and manager to keep happy, dickhead Janis: I'm not saying she's not fussy, I'm just saying it might take me several cups of coffee to give you enough 3rd degree burns for her to be #overit Jimmy: funny Jimmy: & im just saying I'd rather give me ex a bell & have her do her worst ruining my life long distance Janis: Worth a shot then, isn't it? Janis: Just try and be less Janis: this Janis: she might reckon you're a changed man Jimmy: is it gonna change your sister's mind about me if I do? Jimmy: 'cause her mates have homewrecker written all over 'em Janis: It was a poor choice of friendship tat, yeah but they ain't the brightest, bless Janis: idk, probably help if the girl was real, mate Jimmy: she is real but shes also real far away Jimmy: & really hates me Jimmy: that's mutual unlike the attraction your little twin is harboring 💔 Janis: 💔 Janis: fuck someone here then, ain't gotta be all 💕 just look enough like it that they write you off their hit lists, yeah Jimmy: proper romantic you Jimmy: I'll go back to the drawing board if its all the same Jimmy: don't need another lass falling for me, do I? Janis: 🙄 Janis: If I had such an easy out, I'd use it Janis: fucking blood ties, such bullshit, along with romance but there we go Jimmy: Easy? yeah alright, Juliet Janis: Not saying you've gotta off yourself with the poor bitch, steady on, though peak 💘 so it is Janis: You're either a 😻 magnet or you ain't, can't have it both ways Jimmy: I just wanna be left alone Jimmy: shouldn't be a lot to ask but until I master leprechaun for fuck off, it apparently is Janis: Preaching to the choir...nah, fuck that, preaching to the big man himself Janis: You work it out, you've got my details now you fucking stalker so hmu then and not before k Jimmy: you know the saying, get stalked enough, become fucked off enough by it to become the stalker Jimmy: or summat Janis: Tragic Janis: No doubt you coulda been something, kid Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: still could Jimmy: if you help me Janis: I don't know how to make a latte, soz Jimmy: not a requirement of dating me, and yeah, my boss is gutted Janis: you what? Jimmy: go out with me Jimmy: you said yourself it don't have to be a love story Janis: um yeah but you should both at least be somewhat into it, ideal world Janis: know you already called me out as the romantic here but Jimmy: nah, you're what I need Jimmy: I won't get tempted Jimmy: keep it easy, like you also said Janis: 🖕 Janis: Like I said, show me how it's worth my time and I will Jimmy: your sister would hate it Jimmy: not like I'm asking you to marry me, you look enough like her that'd be like asking myself to honeymoon in Vietnam Janis: You're a cunt, also, obviously not well-traveled Janis: say what you like Janis: it would be amusing to piss her off and I'm always up for finding new ways Jimmy: so you in? Jimmy: 3 date minimum Janis: You mean I actually have to spend time with you? Jimmy: as long as people think you are, do what you want Janis: Fill your boots Janis: but don't just be saying I let you finger me on your lunch break, like, that isn't working on anyone, least of all my sister and her stupid mates Jimmy: come get your sister's coat and we'll make the magic happen Jimmy: coupley pics and #s will work Jimmy: all they do is sip & scroll Janis: How magical can you really be, then? 😏 Janis: Fuck it, worth it just to piss her grafting you down the drain Jimmy: I'll fake rock your world, Jasmine Janis: Sure 👌 Make me forget my name half as many times as you have and you'll have fucked enough brain cells out to make me a thick Northern twat, clearly Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: hope you're a better actress than you are sweet talker, love Janis: That ain't the one, fucking hell Janis: pick a better petname if we ain't taking time to remember Jimmy: let me know what you want me to call you Jimmy: Baby, right? I bet you're one of them girls Janis: 😒 Hilarious Janis: My daddy issues are pretty non-existent, soz to report Jimmy: what then? Jimmy: Can't call you Juliet if you aren't ride or die for me, darling Janis: I'm remember your unfortunate accent now Janis: it's probably best you don't speak Jimmy: strong, silent type Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: 👍 Janis: It's your fantasy, kid Janis: Big yourself up however you gotta Jimmy: fantasy? nah Jimmy: necessity Janis: You've not gotta warn me Janis: Not swooning over this chat Jimmy: 💔 Janis: We're all gutted Janis: push that down and smile for the 'gram Jimmy: 😁 Janis: That's the spirit Jimmy: I know yours is more 😏 Jimmy: control yourself if you can, Jenna Janis: Make no promises to control myself so Janis: 👊 behave or deal Jimmy: make one or its off Jimmy: your sister & his mates break enough of my boundaries Janis: If the problem is they're swinging for you, I'm gonna go right ahead and victim blame Jimmy: probably keep that off the 'gram, girl Janis: We laying down ground rules here and now, yeah? Jimmy: you got something else on? Janis: It's the Easter hols Janis: so no Janis: fuck all Jimmy: then may as well Janis: Alright Janis: No posting without getting the other's go ahead first Jimmy: done Jimmy: same goes for agreeing to go somewhere/do something as the power couple we're pretending to be Janis: 'Course Jimmy: & if you tell your sister summat let me know too 'cause she loves questioning me over her coffee Janis: Ha Janis: I do my level best to avoid her but easy Jimmy: you're not gonna brag about what a good boyfriend I am 💔 Janis: We'll have to work out how good you are first, like Jimmy: good enough that I'm off limits your sister & her mates Jimmy: no more no less Janis: Can do that Jimmy: don't fall in love with me for real, can you do that? Janis: 😏 Are you for real? Janis: Ego to go with the accent, is it Jimmy: just checking you're not like your sister for real Jimmy: could be protesting too much for all I know Janis: And this could just be a really bad come on for all I know Janis: we'll have to trust on this one thing, deal? Jimmy: Yeah Janis: Sorted Janis: Make me sound good, as I will be for you Jimmy: how good? Jimmy: nobody knows my dating history, what's yours? Janis: Likewise Janis: all you gotta do is make it realistic enough that people stop asking if I'm a dyke Jimmy: Easy Jimmy: Are you a take it slow girl or hook up on date 1 type? Janis: Won't be getting that graphic on the 'gram, leave it out Jimmy: But it won't stay on the 'gram, will it? Jimmy: People chat Jimmy: what reputation do you want? Janis: Probably better to not be a slag init Jimmy: but don't be keeping me waiting too long if you don't wanna sound gay Janis: alright, irresistable Janis: 2nd date, like Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I ain't, by the way Jimmy: Don't matter Janis: Does Janis: Who needs the pressure of being a beard? This ain't what this is, got it Jimmy: It'd be less pressure, probably Jimmy: you'd be better at faking it Janis: Sorry to disappoint you and all the girls 😒 Jimmy: if its the only time you're gonna, I'll cope Janis: Naturally Janis: Aim to please Jimmy: save it for the 'gram, Judith Janis: Reckon I'm being nice rn? Janis: Poor boy 💔 Jimmy: nice matters less than gay Jimmy: Don't wanna be your mate Janis: Good thing too, aiming to please here, keep up Janis: just saying, starting to doubt how 😍 they are now Jimmy: come see for yourself Jimmy: I'm working as we speak Janis: 😏 Wow so hot Jimmy: it could be if you're ready to kick this off Janis: Why not? Janis: Sooner we get it done sooner we'll see results Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: Laters, babes Jimmy: Cute Janis: That's why you're with me Jimmy: I'm not yet Janis: You're gonna be salty 'cos I won't ride you in your hipster hangout today? 😂 Jimmy: I'm getting paid to be here, you're the one hanging out Janis: I'm picking up the bitch's coat, piss off Jimmy: You could do that when we close Jimmy: You're coming to see me Janis: You do this much? Janis: Suspiciously good at it Jimmy: Which bit? Janis: The bit where you fake a relationship Janis: Good tactic to get bare girls, like or what Jimmy: You're my first 💕 Jimmy: don't let it go to your head, Josephine Janis: as much as that'd get 'em throwing out the #goals Janis: secret's safe with me, boy Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: don't have to go to these lengths up north Jimmy: girls just get if you're interested or nah Janis: 💔 it's a shithole, mate Janis: didn't you get told before leaving t'mines Jimmy: must've had too much coal in my ears or summat Janis: Don't know what you got 'til it's gone Janis: interested and interesting bitches included, obvs Jimmy: not only a pretty face you Jimmy: got it going on in your head too Jimmy: lucky me Jimmy: 😍😍😍😍 Janis: Yeah yeah Janis: Better take back what you said 'bout the leprechauns now you're coming up 🍀&🌹 Jimmy: if you save the humble for the #s I'll think about it Janis: Never been accused of being humble Janis: I guess the gay or nay is more pressing Jimmy: never checked a mirror or nowt, neither? Janis: 'Course, gotta spot myself at the gym, ain't I Jimmy: you can agree you're pretty then Jimmy: not an ugly duckling story either Janis: What's it matter, like Jimmy: im not fake dating one of them girls Jimmy: hates herself but still takes selfies Janis: that's another rule? i'll be thinking on my next then Jimmy: Can't prop up your self esteem Janis: Don't worry 'bout me, fake worry or otherwise ain't necessary Jimmy: I won't Jimmy: all worried out Jimmy: fake & real Janis: 🎻 Jimmy: customer service deserves a pity orchestra Jimmy: alright for you, rich girl Janis: I'll hire one out for date three if you earn it Janis: so 💸 Jimmy: just gimme the money Jimmy: if this was a naff teen rom com, I'd charge per date Janis: If I was richer, older and lonelier, you mean Janis: and you were desperate enough to be a rent boy Janis: you'd actually have to put out though so let's not Jimmy: only if I wanted top money Jimmy: the in it for the chit chat option would be more than I make at CG Janis: Then I hope to fuck you're a better fuck than you are bringing it with the chat, darling, no one is paying for this Jimmy: I'm not trying to impress you Jimmy: pay me and I'll be charming Janis: I'm not trying to pay Janis: Not that hard up, but tah Jimmy: don't complain about what you get then Janis: You ain't telling me what I can and can't do, babe Jimmy: I'm telling you I'm not here to listen to you whinge, babe Jimmy: Get a real boyfriend for that Janis: Have you tried talking to any of my sister's mates Janis: I really think it'll solve this whole thing Jimmy: I talk to 'em every shift Janis: That's not real Janis: that's wage slave robotics Jimmy: neither is this Janis: Whatever, do this at them then Janis: However fit you are, it ain't worth all this Janis: though, probably had worse, hm Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: bad boy baristas are this year's...whatever last year's fad was Jimmy: whatever I say that's brutal I'm playing hard to get Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: 🤢 Ick Janis: last year's fad was the clap so like, careful Jimmy: I repeat, you're what I need Jimmy: nothing else has worked Janis: 😍 Janis: I said yes, didn't I Janis: it'll be sorted Jimmy: are you on your way? Jimmy: 'cause it won't be 'til then Janis: Keen Janis: Yeah, though, gimme 10 Jimmy: try and look like someone capable of getting my attention Janis: I'm not giving myself a shit fringe for you Janis: get some taste Jimmy: you don't know my tastes, Joanne Janis: I can guess Janis: and be right Jimmy: go for it Jimmy: try Janis: any bitch described in any indie song ever Janis: not like other girls 'cept like all the other girls at the shitty pub/gig drinking pints 'cos you'll think it's dead cool, like her tongue piercing and real leather jacket Jimmy: thats racist Jimmy: just 'cause I know all the lyrics to Wonderwall Janis: 😂 Janis: like glass, boy Jimmy: I hope you're better at pretending to know what I like Janis: I know I ain't wrong but you can have the automatic upgrade for free Jimmy: Funny Janis: What, now I'm TOO confident? Jimmy: Nah, too obvious Janis: Err, me or your lack of taste? Jimmy: you Janis: How Janis: Fucking cheek Jimmy: You've pulled the first cliche you could out of your arse Jimmy: is how Janis: I'm sooooo sorry Janis: sure she seemed really special and unique at the time Jimmy: I'm sorry that you're just like your sister Janis: Now who's chatting out their arse Jimmy: still you Jimmy: she don't know me either but she reckons she knows my tastes too Janis: and you don't know me, you barely know the bits of her she wants you to, like Jimmy: I'm not trying to even fake know you Janis: Mutual, hence idc what you fuck Janis: and it was a joke, fucking hell boy Jimmy: funny you Jimmy: like I said Janis: So you keep saying Janis: go do some work, i'm just killing time on the bus Jimmy: I'm working harder than you Jimmy: this chat is a slog without all the coffee I'm slinging between the lines Janis: Do one then? Save it for the 'gram, rule no.1 Jimmy: 👋 Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: what do you do that isn't shit coffee there Jimmy: drinks or food? Janis: Drinks Jimmy: shitter tea, tasteless milkshakes & minging smoothies Janis: 🙄 Joy Janis: if you can make the smoothie at least healthy as well as minging, do that Jimmy: I can make it taste alright if you keep that off the 'gram Janis: That's big talk, babe Jimmy: secret menus aren't just for starbucks Jimmy: I'm here all day I have to make some shit edible for myself Janis: Fair Janis: I'm willing to be impressed by the smoothie skillz at least Jimmy: Challenge accepted Janis: I'll be brutally honest, idc if you are bae Jimmy: calling me bae is more brutal Jimmy: hate that Janis: 😂 awh bae Jimmy: leave off, Jill Janis: hot and cold, you Jimmy: 💔 Janis: tell me 'bout it Janis: planning our fake breakup already Jimmy: Are you? Janis: that's the fun bit, right? Jimmy: make me look better than my ex did and it'll be a start Janis: i'll break your heart Janis: that's the reputation i'll take Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: steady Janis: 🤷 Janis: i want what i want boy Jimmy: you think you're having my heart? how many dates we going on? Janis: work fast Janis: faster than i'm letting you Jimmy: up yourself you Janis: rich 😏 Jimmy: yeah you are, don't rub it in, girl Janis: I ain't though Janis: like you said, her coat's shit Jimmy: means she's got shit taste not a lack of funds Janis: You can't be rich with 10 kids Janis: trust Jimmy: you could Jimmy: could be a princess for all I know Janis: 😂 what kind of deep cover is this Janis: living in this hole Janis: going to that school, sure Jimmy: #humble Janis: funny Janis: you wish Jimmy: Why? Jimmy: I don't care what you are, do I Janis: 💸 and clout would be an undeniable bonus, regardless Jimmy: I told you, I wanna be left alone, clout is the opposite of that Jimmy: & I don't need your money, girl Janis: Okay so you can't be bought, get you Jimmy: that's not what we're doing here Janis: I know Janis: Serious Janis: you're just easy to take the piss outta Jimmy: piss off Janis: I'll turn around now, like Jimmy: go on then Jimmy: I'm not having the threat of you walking hanging over me head Janis: So serious Janis: Not a princess with a driver, there's no changing the bus route on the rest of this lot now Janis: no matter how moody you get Jimmy: I've got a kid sister I ain't babysitting you too Jimmy: Be serious Janis: Yeah yeah Jimmy: Or call it off Janis: Nah Jimmy: It's not a yeah or nah question Jimmy: it's me saying don't half arse fake dating me Janis: I ain't going to Janis: like you said, this ain't real, and ain't how it's gonna be but can't prove that 'til I get there Jimmy: 👌 Janis: That ain't a response either Janis: I ain't the only one with something to prove Jimmy: Show your face & I will Janis: Try not to look too disappointed Janis: don't doubt some of your fangirls will be watching Jimmy: How many times do you want me to tell you you're pretty when nobody's listening? Janis: Shut up Janis: That ain't what I meant Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: See? Don't start Janis: 😍 only dickhead Jimmy: calm down, dickhead Jimmy: I've got this Janis: First time, you admitted as much Jimmy: Faking it, yeah Jimmy: I've done it for real, that's harder Janis: You reckon Jimmy: I don't care what you think so yeah Jimmy: As long as it looks good it don't matter if it is Janis: That's same as the real thing let's not lie Jimmy: Nah Janis: Agree to disagree, darling Jimmy: Disagree and tell you to shut your face, Jodie Janis: Save it for your ex, Romeo Janis: 💘 such a romantic Jimmy: If I was, she wouldn't be an ex, would she? Janis: Giving you benefit of doubt Janis: LDR never works, you're a 15 year old boy Janis: got like what, 13 more before you find the one, isn't it? Jimmy: what makes you think long distance is what ex-ed her? Jimmy: I never said that Janis: Guess not Jimmy: You don't have to fake knowledge about me Jimmy: nobody's asking who came before Janis: You don't know girls if you think that Janis: undoubtly scoping their profiles as we speak Jimmy: don't doubt they have but they won't find owt Janis: not gutted for 'em Jimmy: only yourself Jimmy: you'll have to keep faking knowing everything Janis: suits me fine, boy Janis: the truth don't interest me none Jimmy: spoken like a decent liar Janis: you know it Janis: truly your lucky day Jimmy: 😍 Janis: Ready? Jimmy: If you are Janis: Fuck it Janis: Why not Jimmy: see, romance ain't dead 💕 Jimmy: how could I refuse? Janis: in it for the smoothie Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: got time to spit in it still Janis: Don't you dare Janis: Will actually fuck you up Jimmy: Get used to it, you're gonna have to kiss me Janis: Disgusting Jimmy: Sweet talking again Jimmy: Jeez, June, steady on Janis: You're the one bringing up necking when I've not even got in the door Jimmy: Are you ready or aren't you? Janis: 'Course I am Jimmy: then I can talk about it, can't I? Jimmy: it's too late for a no kissing rule Janis: If that's how you deal with bricking it Jimmy: piss off Janis: Too late now, babe Jimmy: it's not Janis: ? Jimmy: we don't have to do this if you're shitting yourself Janis: bitch, please Jimmy: I'm not gonna be your bitch, babe Janis: Not the pet name you want then? Jimmy: 🖕 Janis: Have plenty of time to think on it when you're swooning 😉 Jimmy: It's so funny that you believe you'll able to think on anything Janis: 😏 Mhmm Janis: catch me mentally writing my shopping list to pass the time during Jimmy: You aren't even a good liar in private Jimmy: We're doomed Janis: Shut up Janis: Not seen such a romance since Kate and Leo Jimmy: 🎻 doomed, mate Janis: you wanna go down with the ship so bad Janis: drama 👑 Jimmy: I want you to put your riches where your big mouth is Jimmy: Stop your chatting and come on Janis: Keen as Janis: I'm nearly there, stop pining, it's embarrassing Jimmy: You're such a dickhead Jimmy: Maybe I should just date your sister Janis: Go on Janis: I ain't gonna save you from the literal slag pile of exes, you ain't deserve it Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: you don't deserve me Jimmy: well snide you Janis: You love it Jimmy: not having my 💘 Joan, I told you Janis: i don't want it Janis: just gonna 💔 it and bounce Jimmy: 😂 Janis: k i'm coming in guard your 💘 and 👀 'cos i look 🔥 Jimmy: I'll judge that Janis: you forgot what we're doing here or what Jimmy: If we're dating you gotta bring it as my girlfriend Jimmy: so nah Janis: 🙄 Janis: 'cos you look so fit in your stupid uniform 👌 Jimmy: We're meant to be improving your rep not trashing mine Jimmy: & yeah I do 👌 Janis: Really? Nothing to do with how scared you are of these crazy bitches k Jimmy: fed up ain't scared Janis: still Janis: you need me Janis: don't forget it, pal Jimmy: I won't if you don't, mate

[venerate-diaspora-303]

When I was out the other day

I saw some mutual friends

They asked if I had spoke to you, I though of way back when

And I started to reminisce about everything we done

And every feeling that I had for you came back at once

And I still hate your ass

And I still hate your ass

And I still hate your ass

But I can't escape your ass

Man fuck this shit

I can't believe just how it ended

My heart was really in it but you was just pretended

A power couple

I think about the shit we did

The first thing that we did was went and get a bigger crib

Now sitting here thinking can't believe this how it ends

Even talking to the doctor about having us a kid

You said when times got tough we keep trying

You said that you loved me now I know you was lying

The first to admit, I could have done better

But it wasn't enough for you to throw away forever

Now sitting here thinking how did we let this happen?

Cause you and I both know you that you overreacting

When I was out the other day

I saw some mutual friends

They asked if I had spoke to you, I though of way back when

And I started to reminisce about everything we done

And every feeling that I had for you came back at once

And I still hate your ass

And I still hate your ass

And I still hate your ass

But I can't escape your ass

And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the first time

But shit I always show up when it is the worst time

When other folks gave up on you I still fucks with you

No matter what it was I always stuck with you

I said goodbye to my past and the old me

But still dealt with a stubborn fucking control freak

I'm scared to sleep cause I see you in my dreams

I wake up in a sweat and I swear I just wanna' scream

I was the dude who was willing to ride for you

I was the dude who was willing to die for you

I never disrespected or put my hands on you

And I never cheated, kept my dick in my pants for you

When I was out the other day

I saw some mutual friends

They asked if I had spoke to you, I though of way back when

And I started to reminisce about everything we done

And every feeling that I had for you came back at once

And I still hate your ass

And I still hate your ass

And I still hate your ass

But I can't escape your ass

Brought every dollar that I had and put it on a table

No it wasn't a lot but I was willing and able

All you had to say was come home and it's okay

And I'd give it up, fuck it I quit rapping today

If time got tough you know that I'd carry you

Stop what I'm doing right now and I would marry you

And just the thought alone starts to make me smile

As I start to think about you coming waltzing down the aisle

Now back to reality, girl you won't find another motherfucker whos willing to stand beside you

And love you the way that I do

Go to war with the world and I'd be behind you

I'm the one you call when wall come tumbling down

Cause you know that I ain't fucking around

The sad part is that I'd probably take you back right now

And do it all over and lay my life down

I was about to board this plane, just the other day

With everything I owned in my bag, I was about to move away

And I started to reminisce about everything we done

And every feeling that I had for you came back at once

I'm still in love with you

I'm still in love with you

I'm still in love with you

It's like I'm stuck with you

Girl I'm stuck with you

Thank You

Download/Save

[allsystemsarenotgo]

“The Novel”

I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.

I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.

.

.

.

Here is "The Novel".

---

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.

I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.

There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?

^ That image was me in high school.

I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.

And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.

I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.

The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.

That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.

The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.

Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.

I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.

Then I finally went to college.

I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.

But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.

Neither of my roommates liked it.

Neither of my roommates liked me.

I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.

Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.

Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.

I felt so....little and insecure.

I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.

Do you know how bad that feels inside?

Pretty damn bad.

One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.

It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.

After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.

And something clicked in my head.

- What if this girl was 'the one'?

- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?

- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?

That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.

(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)

I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.

I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.

-learn-

-learn-

-learn-

Then we broke up after 9 months.

We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?

Wrong.

-sulk-

-lonely-

-stressed-

-imbalanced-

And...

-addicted-

I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.

I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.

I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.

Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.

I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.

Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.

I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.

I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.

I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.

She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.

As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.

I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.

I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.

There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.

Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.

The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.

It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....

.

.

I've been single since then.

It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.

But I miss the cuddles.

I miss the touching.

I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.

I miss...alot of things.

I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me. 

One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party. 

Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.

My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).

But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.

I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.

I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.

We stopped talking after that.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.

That's how long I have been lonely.

That's how long it has been since I went on a date.

That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.

Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.

I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).

They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.

I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.

One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.

One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.

One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.

Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.

I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.

I don't have any friends to go places with.

I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).

Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.

How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?

How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

Sometimes I wish I was Ace.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.

Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.

Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?

Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?

Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?

Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.

We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?

The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

These are the questions that feed my depression.

These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.

These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.

Because a hug means you love and care about me.

And I need that reassurance.

But it feels good on the inside, too.