#i'll finish it with time bc that time might take me until i graduate | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dopaminergicaddictions · 8 months

Text

I woke up at 3:30. I fell asleep around 7:30 or 7:45. I closed my eyes at 7:25. I don't remember laying there for long. It felt like 3-7 minutes. Which is amazing.

I remember having anxiety about my rapid eye movement and comforting myself saying I've hit rem sleep every single day for months now and then listening to family guy and I was gone.

I finished all of bobs burgers. Family guy has too many dialogue breaks. American dad is kinda terrible. It also had diagloue breaks. And see I like king of the hill but the graphics are kinda hard to watch.

I'm probably just going to rewatch bobs burgers.

So- my hallucination yesterday was kinda bad especially during the shower. I have a hard time listening to music. I sing and i have these awful secondary psychosis thoughts such as I have to wash dead names cunt. I have to clean my pussy lips. It's fucking gross and it makes things really fucking intolerable. I was hallucinating my deadname a lot which is almost all I hallucinate now. Minus, successful right now, happy birthday, i have a birthday present for deadname blanchette. Or it'll try to take over my thoughts and say dead name is washing his cunt.

So it's been pretty bad. I def don't have a thoughts disorder but, if I don't try to think very concise thoughts, I have issues with not thinking dead name I have to do this, no nathan I'm going to do this. It's gross how psychosis associated nathan with my deadname.

I'm not going to lie I'm thinking about changing my first name now. Cause whenever I call myself nathan my deadname follows. Or vice versus, I say my deadname first and then say Nathan...

The sad thing is Nathan is the only name I have EVER identified with. I mean all the other male names I just don't identified with them.

The hallucination at the moment seems less intrusive and less loud. It feels like it's going away but idk. It seems it gets worse when I'm at my peak hours of my circadian rhythm. Whenever I'm the most awake and productive... like between 10 pm to 2 a.m or something like that.

I mean I've been sitting in, "silence" a lot today cause I got new dry erase markers and I've been working on my schedule and doing laundry and I'm still hallucinating constantly but it's quieter and less intrusive. I'm hoping it stays this way and gets better but I'm not at my peak.

Even when it was really terrible it was way better in the morning/early day before I became more alert....

So I've been looking at herbal remedies. As antipsychotics are not ever going to be an option. I'll consider taking my thyroid meds if I get to the 21st and its still there but I'm only taking it until my levels go to normal so I can avoid excessive weight gain... if the voice goes away, then I'm going to stop it. If it comes back..... I might restart it ... but idk... if the voice doesn't go away and I get to normal levels I'm absolutely stopping it.... I'll go on them for max a month and I'm going to gain at least 10 pounds. I'm already 200 and that's more than I used to be. I used to fluctuate around 185 and 195.... now it seems to be 195-200..... despite not having insomnia anymore thanks to Xanax.....

The herbal remedies aren't really promising. I know what's wrong with me bc I studied psychosis and schizophrenia extensively in graduate school and my bachelors program..

Basically my D2 dopamine receptor is overstimulated... when you hallucination, the dopamine in your mesolimbic pathway is excessive and you have more receptors than the average person.

Someone like you may have say 50 receptors. Your presynaptic neuron will excrete dopamine to the post synaptic dendrites and there will be left over dopamine that can't bind to your receptors bc the postsynaptic neuron only has so many receptors and the post synaptic neuron will take what it can and an action potential will occur.

All that excessive dopamine will be removed via enzymatic degradation and re-uptake. Your neuron will only take what it can and it will clean up the excess dopamine or any other neurotransmitter....

Well mine as I have psychosis might have 100 receptors instead of your normal amount of 50. So the post synaptic neuron will take more dopamine and create that action potential which will be in my case a hallucination..... because there are too many receptors and reuptake and enzymatic degradation is not occurring at the same healthy rate as a healthy individual.

So in order to block the excess transmission of dopamine on the D2 receptor you need an antagonist.

Agonist- increase receptor binding.

Antagonist-block receptors.

So I need something that acts as an antagonist on my D2 receptors. Whatever it is needs to block those receptors so that excess of dopamine gets reuptaked or gets degraded.

Antipsychotics target all dopamine receptors. Not just the mesolimbic pathway. So when you take them they decrease dopamine at the D2 receptors but decrease it everywhere else which is why someone experiences the negative symptoms of schizophrenia.... because it also decreases the dopamine in the mesocortical pathway. The negative symptoms of schizophrenia are caused by a DECREASE in dopamine in the mesocortical pathway. That's why Antipsychotics aren't a great way to fix hallucinations.

Atypical antipsychotics are better for negative symptoms or both but they also decrease dopamine everywhere although I believe they increase dopamine in the mesocortical pathway making the negative symptoms less problematic.... but if your mesocortical pathway is excreting the right amount of dopamine, overstimulating the dopamine receptors in the mesocortical pathway can cause other issues with executive functioning and a lot of other things. Which is why they wouldn't give someone like me an atypical antipsychotic because my dopamine levels are normal in my mesocortical pathway.

The problem with antipsychotics go beyond creating negative symptoms. They cause Parkinson and astonia and tardive dsykinesia... that's why they prescribe an anticholinergic. Which as I stated before has the side effect of causing REOCCURENCE. You need the anticholinergics to stop tardive dsykinesia.

Unfortunately those extra extrapyramidal side effects aren't 100% avoided just bc you take an anticholinergic... my uncle who luckily is not blood related to me, has paranoid schizophrenia. He has been on antipsychotics and anticholinergics since he was 17. He has Parkinson now. The reason for this is because Parkinson is caused by low dopamine levels. Someone with Parkinson is prescribed something called, L-dopa. Which is synthetic dopamine and increases dopamine in the appropriate pathway and potentially all dopamine pathways. I'm not as savvy in Parkinson disease. I know enough about it to understand why it happens from antipsychotics. I'm just unsure of what dopamine receptors are affected prior to the meds and then from the meds. However I believe it's the mesolimbic pathway. And l-dopa causes an increase of dopamine everywhere. I could be wrong about that.

All I know is i have an excess of d2 receptors, and the excess dopamine in my mesolimbic pathway is not being degraded or being reuptaked.

So I've been on Google scholar and other site trying to find an antagonist on the d2 receptors. A lot of these natural dopamine depletors have research suggesting they can be an agonist as well. I def do not need an agonist on my d2 receptors....

I have found white mulberry. I have to do extensive research as it does claim to be an antagonist on the d2 receptors. Unfortunately there isn't a lot of research done on herbal remedies. I'm hoping these white mulberries have more research once I find the right words.

White mulberries

Psychosis/ psychotic symptoms

Is what I'm typing in now. I'm hoping I can fine tune it and find more than a literature review discussing multiple plants in Nigeria.

Upon a single google search it claims white mulberry is an antagonist on the d2 receptors but I'm not seeing the research.

It also claims magnesium is but I found research that suggests it's an agonist as well. It seems mixed.

So yea thats where I'm at. I'm trying very hard to fix my problem in a way where I don't lose my ability to be me.

As the days go by and the symptoms stay the same I worry the 20th will come and pass and I'll still be hallucinating.

0 notes

tmp-jatp · 3 years

Note

Okay, so I have three that I really wanna know whatever you can tell me about them:

1) Ghosts at college - !!!!!! Tell me more, tell me more 🎶

2) juke the little mermaid au - YESSSS!! Gimme gimme gimme *grabby hands* 🧡

And 3) spy!alex au - HELLOOOO!!! I didn't know I needed this until now, but omgggggg 😍

I'll take whatever you can give me and I'll wait patiently for the fics 🥰 shskdhdjsksh

ahhhh ok so you picked some of them that will almost definitely never be finished (maybe i should move them out of my “wips” folder and into an “abandoned” folder of things i can recycle in the future...) but i’ll share some of what i have for each of them :D

ghosts at college - basically it’s a bunch of fluff where julie graduates high school and goes to college. there’s not a lot of plot, mostly it’s a few ideas tied together with fluff and one scene as well. anyway, julie lives in a dorm and her roommate, anna, slowly becomes aware that julie’s weird. weird things happen around her. sometimes anna overhears that she’s having conversations on her phone but when anna unlocks the door julie’s phone is on the table. reggie and alex are around sometimes but luke is there almost all the time. here’s an excerpt:

luke likes to spend all his time with julie even if they’re not interacting. he likes to be in the same room as her. he’ll be writing or humming or playing and she’ll be working on homework and only she can see and hear him but she’s got this little smile on her face

anna knows julie’s in love with *someone* but she doesn’t know who

sometimes anna heard talking through the dorm room door but as soon as she starts unlocking the door the talking goes quiet

one time julie and luke are having an argument about something. anna thinks it’s a phone call with the elusive boyfriend and she either walks away to give privacy or she opens the door and sees julie facing away, red in the face, yelling at air, her phone on the desk.

band cuddle nights on julie’s bed while anna stays out late or after anna is in bed/asleep. julie laughs at stuff they say. they watch movies on julie’s laptop without headphones and it kind of annoys anna but she puts up with it

julie will lay her hand on alex’s shoulder or curl into reggie or wrap her arms around luke when anna isn’t there or julie thinks anna can’t see her

julie is careful to not talk to air when anna is around

but she does take a lot of phone calls with her airpods in

that elusive boyfriend

hmm

and then julie gets sick (not angsty sick fic sick, it’s fluffy hurt comfort sick) and luke cares for her. that’s when he and anna “meet” for the first time. i have other more general stuff that i might recycle for some other fluffy canonverse post-canon stuff, who knows.

juke the little mermaid au - julie is ariel and luke is eric. dirty candi and flynn are julie’s “sisters”, ray is triton. caleb is ursula. here’s literally everything i’ve written for it 😂

Julie wants to see the world, because anywhere is better than down here. Her mother was everything to her, and her dad is kind and loving, but he keeps pressuring her to sing again and it’s too much. Julie just wants to be free from that pressure. She knows he does it because he loves her, but she doesn’t know if she’ll ever sing again.

Luke doesn’t want to get married. He shouldn’t have to, yet, he’s only 17 for God’s sake! He just wants to play music and spend time with his friends. But his parents want him to get ready to rule. His coronation isn’t until he’s 20, he has time, but he has much to learn bc he’s avoided it until now and 3 years isn’t much time to learn all it takes to be a king. Luke also wants to run away. He goes sailing alone, to try and go somewhere away, he doesn’t care anymore. He plays music to himself with his guitar.

Julie sees him while he’s out there. A storm rises which he wasn’t prepared for. His boat capsizes. She saves him and brings him to shore. Julie is curious about him, and now that she’s seen the land, she wants to go there. The land is somewhere where people aren’t pressuring her to sing. She’ll be free there.

Julie visits Caleb who will let her be human in exchange for her voice. He wants to use it at his club, the place she’s been warned never to go and where only crooked people are. But it’s actually a pretty cool place. This one guy, Willie, is really nice to her, but so are other people too. Julie makes the trade with Caleb, she won’t need her voice anyway.

She meets Luke’s friends on land. They introduce her to Luke. Julie’s never experienced her hair being so light and fluffy and bouncy before, it’s incredible. Julie sees Luke playing music with the boys. She at some point sees her “wake up’ song that Rose left for her and suddenly wants to sing again. But she can’t, because Caleb has her voice. Something something, jolts, something something 3 days to true love’s kiss?

lastly, spy!alex au - this was from a prompt that will sadly never be finished (sorry, tiger). the prompt was: spy au, childhood friends, “you had no idea, did you?” and i tried to combine those and make it willex but i had had nearly no experience writing jatp at that point and i also am more of a juke person than a willex person so the fic just wasn’t vibing. but here’s my back-of-the-napkin pitch for you, copy pasted directly from my doc, if you’re interested:

spy!alex finally cracks the case he's been working on for years: the hollywood ghost club. it's an elusive black market that deals in the worst of the worst but it always changes locations. the moment he thinks he's pinned it down, the whole operation disappears like a ghost. anyway, he finally catches the ringleader, the infamous caleb covington. willie, caleb's sort-of assistant and alex's something watches from the sidelines, having been tricked by caleb into thinking that they were just running a cool club.

thanks for the ask, vi! i appreciate it <3 these fics will probably never ever get written in full but they’re fun ideas and not every idea can turn into a masterpiece. sometimes an artist just needs to sketch and doodle instead, and that’s okay. but there’s value to recording and saving your sketches and doodles bc maybe one day you can recycle them into something greater, or you’ll come back to them and be inspired to continue them or to create something entirely new.

#tmp answers #tmp writes #wip tag game

5 notes · View notes

harry-styles-sunflower · 4 years

Text

Meeting You In The Hallway Part 3

a/n: HII lovely people! I hope you are all doing well today! This is part 3 of Meeting you in the Hallway.

What it is: You move into the apartment across the hall from Harry and you begin a friendship which you both want more from but can’t communicate that want.

Word Count: 4k

Warning: fluff, angst, cursing, and sexual tension again bc why not.

Lil fun fact: new character in this part named Derek, there's ~some~ (honestly a lot of truth) truth to this character. Different name obvs. If you wanna picture somebody, picture Jacob Elordi, because that’s kind of what the real dude looks like.

Pls reblog if you like it 😊 Thank you for all the support so far! Means the fuckin world! Lot of dialogue in this one, let me know if yall like that or not. I think there will be one more part which will wrap this all up.

~~~

You both decided to just sit in silence after you ate, just laying your heads back.

"Do you have morphine?"

"Harry just because I work in a hospital doesn’t mean I have hard drugs lying around my apartment"

"Thought you could sneak some, excuse me" he waves his hands up in surrender.

You sigh, "No, there's a thing called inventory that gets checked every day. And what is it with you and morphine?"

"What do you mean?"

"It was in your song yesterday"

His head quickly looks over at you, "You remember yesterday?"

"I remember everything before the tequila shots" you pinch the bridge of your nose.

"Oh okay" he avoids your question about morphine and maybe if you didn't have a headache you'd keep pushing for an answer.

Your phone rings and it’s an odd looking number, its 10 digits long.

"Har, look at this number"

He looked over before laying his head back against your couch, "Its European"

"European?" you picked up, "Hello?"

"y/n?"

"Yeah who's this?"

Harry was listening, just didn’t show it.

"Hey um, it’s me, Derek. I don’t know if you remember me"

"Oh yeah. Sorry give me a sec." You pressed the mute button, double checked it was on, then whisper yelled, "holy fucking shit!!"

"What? Who's Derek?"

"This guy I had a hugee crush on in college. He was a year above me. We helped each other in Psych. We wo- hold on I need to answer him" you unmuted the call.

"Hey Derek"

"Hey um I was just wondering if you still lived here? In New York. I'm here for a trade meeting."

"Trade meeting?"

"Yeah with my agent, remember? Basketball?"

"Oh yeah, right. Okay. Um yeah I actually live in the city now"

"Oh, that’s great. Did you wanna grab dinner sometime? I’m here until Friday"

"Y-yeah we could settle on something"

"Okay. I'll uh text you a time and date"

"Yeah okay. Cool"

"Cool. Uh bye"

"Bye" you hung up quick. "Holy shit"

"That was the worst conversation I've ever heard in my life" he laughed.

"Shut up we were both nervous" you hit him with a pillow.

"Who is he again?"

"Long story short, we took Psych together in college and he was on the basketball team so every girl was obsessed but we would hang out all the time. A few nights before he graduated, we had like a moment. It was so romantic," you blushed thinking about it and Harry hated it, "and well, the next week he was gone to play basketball in Europe. It was like maybe right person but wrong time?" Harry swallowed before facing you, "Does that mean you see a future with him? If it was right person, wrong time?"

You looked at him and shook your head, "A girl could dream but I don’t know. I don't think I know him the way I used to you know? It's been like 4 years."

"But you're going on a date"

"No harm in that, right?" For some reason it was like you wanted his permission.

"Yeah, I guess, you said he played basketball in Europe?"

"Yeah, his name is Derek Belov, he's really tall."

"Belov? You're joking me."

"I'm not, you know him?"

"Yeah," he shrugs, "he's big over there. Only over there I guess."

You shrug, "I could honestly care less about it. He's a cool guy in general"

"I have a headache, I'm gonna lay down" he says as he adjusts himself on your couch and puts his feet in your lap. He puts your tv on and watches the office.

You check your phone and Derek had texted you about seven minutes ago. It’s alright though because you didn’t want to seem too excited. You two began texting and settled on a date that night. He swore he didn’t need to fight off the jetlag so you agreed. He'd pick you up at 6, It was almost noon now, so you had plenty of time.

"I'm leaving at 6, he'll pick me up."

"The least he could do, will it be a limo?" you could hear the bitterness in his voice but you blamed it on his hangover.

"No." you slid down your couch and harry tucked your feet under his arm while keeping his eyes on the tv.

You stayed like this for a while, you set an alarm for four o'clock so you wouldn't let time escape.

"Har, when was the last time you went on a date?" you wondered if this could answer your question from last night. If Harry was hooking up with somebody.

" I don't know why?"

"Well like years, months, weeks?"

"Month or so I guess"

"Oh okay, I was just wondering. I guess you could relate to me then. Dating life."

"Yeah sure"

He was being super dismissive and you hated it. You were tired of it actually. You sparked 0 conversation and once your alarm went off, he went back to his apartment and you got ready.

~~~

When harry got back to his apartment he felt angry. Angry with the way you spoke about that Derek guy. The fact that you were going on a date with him. He wanted to ruin your plans but he knew he couldn't be selfish. He felt bad for not being the supportive friend he knew you wanted in that moment. With a big sigh and heavy heart, he walked across the hall and knocked on your door 3 times.

You slowly went to open the door, already annoyed with Harry, you opened it with an eyeroll.

"What Harry?"

"I've come in peace," he said with a cheesy smile, "Look I'm sorry for being dismissive earlier I was really just not feeling well and well I'm sorry. Can I help you pick out your outfit now or whatever a girlfriend of yours would do? I even volunteer to do your makeup"

You rolled your eyes and opened the door wider, " Fine. Help me pick an outfit and I wanna borrow the earrings you have on. I like the simple loop look" you said as you walked deeper into your apartment.

"Deal."

You walked into your bedroom where you had a black lace lingerie set on your bed. Harry pretended he didn’t see it as he sat down next to it on your bed.

"I think I might wear a blouse with some high waisted jeans?”

"Yeah I mean why not just go comfy. Wear sweats and a baggy tee. I could lend you one of mine." He winked towards you.

"Harry," you gave him a warning look, "We're having dinner at a restaurant, I'm not gonna wear sweatpants." you looked through your closet and grabbed some black high waisted skinny jeans and tossed them towards Harry. They hit him right in the chest.

"Hey," he grinned at you and laid the jeans flat on your bed. "So is your theme black tonight." he said referencing to the lingerie on your bed.

"Um, I don't know. I think I got too excited. I don't think I'm gonna actually wear it."

"How come? You don't want something to happen?" He hoped not but he kept that to himself.

"I don’t need lingerie to make something happen Harry." he loved your confidence but he hid his smile and nodded.

You grabbed a light blue silky button up blouse from your closet and turned around to face him. "So, I'm thinking tuck the shirt in, roll up the sleeves, and white vans?"

"Sounds.. good"

You nodded and stepped in between his legs from where he was sitting on your bed and then got down to your knees and reached under your bed reaching for a box. The sight made him want to pull you on top of him but he knew he couldn't. Were you teasing him? You pulled a small box and placed it on his lap. Which he was a little thankful because his bulge was only growing in his pants.

"It's my jewelry box, could you pick out some bracelets or something?"

"Yeah, okay" he nodded.

As he kept his head down you went behind him to take off your shirt. You buttoned it up and then jumped into your jeans. Once you finished you faced his front again.

"Should I leave the top two unbuttoned or three?" you said as you unbuttoned a third to show. It showed more cleavage but still wasn't too much.

He rubbed his head and looked anywhere but your chest for too long. "I think two is fine. Leave three for another time. It's still just the first date"

"Aw Harold, you think I'm getting a second date? You're getting better at this girlfriend thing."

"Yeah yeah, here" he passed you his choice of bracelets and his earrings that he took off and you put them on. You enjoyed the fact that you could do this with him.

He grabbed your wrist and turned you around slowly so you were facing your full-length body mirror. You saw him lift his cross necklace above his head and then over yours. He adjusted it between your breast which made you suck in a breath. He felt satisfied when he heard your breath hitch just little bit.

"For good luck." But really he wanted you to remember him while you were out.

You looked him in the eyes through the mirror and whispered, "You don't have to, I've never even seen you take this off"

"Don’t worry about it" He leaned forward and moved your hair to the side and kissed your cheek.

His lips lingered on your cheek for a bit until you heard a knock on your door. You both jumped and walked away from each other.

"I could get it if you want. I know you need to put your shoes on and whatever else."

"Y-yeah please." You felt so confused. You were so excited to go on this date but now you just wanted to stay home with Harry. Feeling his lips on your cheeks made you want to stay and feel his lips on yours. You finished tying your shoes and put some mascara and light makeup.

Harry approached the door and took in a deep breath. When he opened the door, Harry wanted to say "what the fuck" but he actually said,

"Hello, I'm Harry"

"Oh uh, I think I've got the wrong place"

"Looking for Y/n?" he fucking hated that he had to look up to this guy. Damn basketball player, his guess was 6"7. (Derek was actually 6"9)

"Yeah?"

"Yeah she's in here, come in"

"Oh okay," he crouched down just a little to walk. "Do you live here?"

"No across the hall, I'm Y/n's best friend" he grinned. They walked into your living room and took seats waiting for you. Derek nodded at Harry's answer and rubbed his hands against his thighs. Harry noticed his nervousness and debated whether or not to use this to his advantage.

"So where are you taking her?"

"A restaurant, near the Statue of Liberty."

"Nice. Been there before?" maybe with another woman?

"No, actually" Derek looked around like he was becoming impatient with Harry.

You walked out and Derek stood up instantly.

"Wow, y/n it’s so nice to see you," he said as he bent down to give you a hug. It was almost a 2-foot height difference. Harry looked away as it happened. You hugged him back remembering his smell. Some Armani cologne if you remember correctly. Different than Harry's Tom Ford one but why were you even thinking of Harry?

"You too. Let's go? I'm hungry."

"Still the same I see"

"Old habits die hard," you winked. "Har, close the door behind you?"

He nodded at you. You felt bad for some reason and walked over to him and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks for everything," you smiled up at him.

"Yeah, no problem." he blushed but you couldn't tell in this lighting.

As you were walking out your apartment with Derek beside you, you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket. You reached into your pocket behind you and saw Harry had texted you.

H: Let me know when you get home please? Or if you stay at his place? Just wanna know you’re okay. Xx

Y/n: most likely coming home H, I’ll let you know tho :)

Harry debated whether or not to ask if she wanted him to stay at her apartment but he didn’t want to intrude on her plans if she wanted to bring Derek back home. He hoped not. He decided to just not answer.

You and Derek approach the elevator and wait.

“I like your necklace, it’s nice”

“Oh yeah, thanks” you fiddled with it.

The elevator doors opened and you made small talk all the way until the restaurant. You had finally made it to Gigino’s, an Italian restaurant by the waterfront at Wagner Park. It was beautifully lit. You’d never been on a date quite like this one. After you finished ordering your drinks, you spoke up.

“I’m surprised you remembered me. It’s been so long”

"I honestly couldn't forget you" he smiled but looked down trying to hide from you.

You bit the inside of your cheek and reached over to put your hand over his. He looked different, more manly.

"How's the big dream been?"

"More exhausting than I thought it would be. I thought college ball was similar to professional but they're nowhere near close. How's nursing?"

"Good, I have many kids I like to think are my own. I work on the pediatric cancer floor."

"Oh wow, that must be tough"

"It can be, can also be rewarding."

"I'm sure you're great for the job"

"Thank you."

Your food came interrupting your conversation but you didn't really mind. You ordered tagliatelle with mixed shellfish. You nearly moaned at the first bite, it was so good.

"So, Harry.. Best friend he says?"

You laughed a little, "Yeah, the bestest." you couldn't believe Harry said that. You weren't mad, you were humored.

"How long have you known him?"

"Few months"

"He hang around a lot?"

"Derek? Why the 20 questions?"

"Sorry, sorry, I was just wondering. Threw me off I guess." He sipped his wine.

"It's okay. Um yeah, I moved in and we became really good friends. We're just always there for each other. That's all." Lies.com.

"Okay. Could I be honest though?"

"Yes," Here we go…

"He likes you."

"Oh my god Derek," you rubbed your temples.

"He does okay, a guy can tell. I really don't care though. I mean, you're here with me right now."

You didn’t know how to take his last comment. Was it cocky? Was it trusting? Genuine? You felt awkward. You just continued eating quietly.

"I'm sorry, I've gone and made this awkward haven't I?"

"Yep."

You had lost your appetite and so you told the waiter you'd like to take the rest home. Derek had finished his plate.

"Dessert?" the waiter asked with his thick Italian accent and gave you the menus. You looked it over and saw the chocolate covered strawberries with whipped cream. Your weakness.

"Do you still like chocolate covered strawberries?"

A little surprised you looked up from the menu and nodded. Derek ordered for you and bought himself a tiramisu.

"Surprised you remembered that too."

"y/n, I don’t think you realize that I was in love with you."

Was.

"Bullshit."

"I'm serious! I was. But I had to leave, my dad would've killed me if I didn’t continue his legacy in the game."

"Yeah I know, how is Mr. Bolev?"

"We don't talk."

"Oh." Now you made it awkward. This night was becoming… disastrous?

"Well, yeah I was. I wish I'd said it sooner, who knows what would've happened."

Maybe it was the wine, but you felt a little tingly. You sipped and squinted at him.

"Yeah, who knows?"

"Care to find out?" he grinned.

"Can't go back in time sweetheart."

"No but maybe I could show you something similar."

You laughed and stayed quiet as the waiter came out with your strawberries. He watched you as you ate your strawberries. You might've been doing it a little seductively if you were honest. You wiped the corners of your mouth with your finger and sucked on them lightly.

"Fuck," he mumbled and called the waiter over. "Check please?"

You laughed and drank your water. You’ve had enough wine.

"Do you wanna walk around the park?"

"Its dark," you leaned in to whisper, "There's rats. I've seen them"

"Holy shit, no way."

You nodded his way and he looked around nervously. You giggled at how big he was yet scared of a tiny, well sometimes big, rat. He paid quickly and grabbed your hand running out of there. You made it to his car and got in.

"So, where to?"

"Um where you got me from?"

"Right." You don’t know why, but you wanted to feel something. You wanted to see if there was anything there still. He was nice, but he wasn’t… he wasn’t what you thought you wanted anymore. If things went wrong you could blame it on the wine. You leaned across the center console before he could pull out of his parking spot and grabbed his face and kissed him. He kissed you back instantly and you felt nothing. Nada. You kissed him deeper trying to find something, anything. You just had a romantic dinner and now felt nothing? What sick game was life playing? He placed his hand on your hips and encouraged you get on top. You complied and straddled him. Now you felt something. He was already hard and he felt big. You had this internal battle in your head of whether you should grind on him or not. You didn’t want to give him the wrong intention. What were your intentions?

"You're here till Friday?" you asked breathing a little heavy.

"Yeah," he licked his lips and you kissed them again.

Maybe a hookup wouldn't be horrible. But maybe not on the first date.

"You free tomorrow?"

"Mhm," he kissed you and you leaned against his wheel setting the horn off. You both jumped and laughed. He put his hand on your cheek and kissed you softly. "Let’s get out of here?"

You nodded and he drove to your building.

"Do you wanna hang out tomorrow?" he looked over at you as he put the car in park.

"Yeah. I'll text you when I'm free and stuff."

"Okay." Maybe he expected an invitation upstairs but you weren't in the mood to give him one. You really wanted to go upstairs and knock on Harry's door. You wanted to hang out with him. Derek reached his hand over and played with your, actually Harry's, necklace. Little did he know... He tugged it lightly and leaned in towards you. You gave him a quick kiss and said goodnight. You practically ran inside wanting to change. You went into your apartment and changed into some pajama shorts and a baggy t shirt. You put your slippers on and walked across the hall and knocked three times. You heard harry yell a, 'finally!' before he opened the door. When he opened the door, it seemed it wasn't you he was expecting.

"oh, y/n?" his eyes were red.

"Who were you expecting? Are you crying?"

"No um no, and pizza."

"Can I come in?"

"Um I don’t think that's the best idea."

"Harry what's going on?"

He leaned against the door so you could walk in. Lo and behold he was watching The Vampire Diaries without you. It was the scene where Damon was trapped on the Other side and told Elena how much he loved her but she couldn't hear him.

"Are you serious?"

"I got bored okay!"

"Were you crying over this scene?"

"Maybe."

"Aw, poor baby." you walked up to him and pinched his cheeks.

"How was your date?" he said as he pushed your hands down gently.

You stayed looking up at him, "It was good, food was good," he kept eye contact with you and you didn’t even realize he was still holding your hand.

"He didn't walk you up?"

"No, I kind of didn't let him. I wanted to hang out."

He gave your hand a light squeeze and tried to hide his smile. "Doesn't sound like it went all that well then"

"It was fine Har," you dropped his hands and walked towards his couch. "I should be mad at you for watching without me."

"I know, will you ever forgive me?" you both sat on his couch and he helped you put your legs on him. His fingertips left little flames on your skin.

You take off his necklace and crawl up to him and put it back around his neck.

"Back where it belongs." you twisted a curl from behind his neck around your finger.

"Did you know I used to have my hair really long? Like up to my collarbones?"

"Really?"

"Yeah," he pulled out his phone and showed you a picture. He looked so young. So handsome.

"I think you should grow it back out." you giggled.

"How come?" he settled his arm on your knees as you were still facing him on your knees on his couch.

"I don’t know," you ran your fingers through his hair, "you look handsome either way."

"You think I look handsome?" he looked up at you.

You nodded, scared to speak. You thought maybe you'd say something you might regret. Like how much you wanted to kiss him. Or how you wished Derek smelled like him. Or how you thought of him from time to time. He looked away from you and cleared his throat.

"I guess I should finish this episode."

You nodded and went back to laying down on the other end of the couch. Harry felt confused. You had just gone on a date and come back to him and called him handsome. Did you like him or not? You interrupted his thoughts when you spoke up.

"We kissed," you felt like you had to tell him, yet he felt he could live without that information. "but I didn't feel anything. Like those sparks you're supposed to feel. I don’t know."

Harry stared at the screen and just listened. He didn’t want to hear that you kissed but he did like that you didn't like it.

"But I'm supposed to see him again tomorrow, now that I'm here I kind of don't want to."

Harry sighed and turned off the tv. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Y/n, do you feel anything for me? Because I'm honestly fucking confused. You go out on a date with some guy and then come back here, touching me in some ways. Call me handsome. The other night you put your fingers through my belt loop-" he caught what he was saying when you gave him a confused look.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me"

"The other night, after my gig you were drunk and you pulled me towards you.. You didn't remember so I didn't remind you." He sighed heavily.

"Oh, I'm sorry I did that to you."

"I didn’t mind it"

"What's that supposed to mean"

You both sat up and faced each other. Sharing the middle cushion.

"Harry, do you feel anything for me?"

Part 4 is now up!

#harry styles #harry styles writing #harry styles x y/n #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #one direction #Meeting you in the hallway #myith #pls reblog

28 notes · View notes