#i'm just venting atm

[letoscrawls]

Ok but seriously, tomorrow i have my last exam, i can't believe i've reached this point but here i am!

The problem is i saved the worst and most difficult exam of my degree for last, basically i had to make a web service where users can log in, create blogs and post and basically do things you do on social platforms. All the data are collected in a database that i coded as well and let me tell you: this stuff is way above my skills, i was not prepared to do it and like many people before me i had to ask a private teacher to help me sort things out

This exam is the reason the average time to complete this degree is higher than it should be and i haven't seen a student take it without struggling. It doesn't help that the teacher has an impossible attitude (like the all the teachers in my last like, four exams were :((((( ) and he treats you like a criminal if you don't know every single line of your code by heart. Idk, coding is hell, we are all in this degree bc we want a stable job, and i had to pay private lessons with my own money for this project, and if i end up failing my whole graduation will be postponed to next year and i will lose a whole year of my master degree!! I swear if something comes up and the teacher wants to fail me, i WILL get on my knees and scream and cry until he passes me

I'm so anxious and i know i say the same thing over and over again but the last exams i did were all like this, and the level of uncertainty was this bad every single time. I'm really hoping for a miracle atp

if i manage to pass this the nightmare will be over! i will graduate and move to the next chapter of my life!! it's THE most crucial moment, everything i sacrificed these past eight months, everything i did led to this. I spent money for this exam, i didn't leave the house the whole summer and the whole winter and spring before that, i basically had zero breaks in between exams, i had to shut down instagram, i only studied, went to uni, went to work to pay for these classes, and went back home. On repeat every. single. day since september and in godspeed mode since january. And yet i have imposter syndrome and i feel like i should have done more and i know my professor doesn't give a shit about all this because if i don't know those hundreds of lines perfectly it's over !!!!

so yeah uhm keep me in your thoughts maybe lmao 😭😭😭😭

[irritablepoe]

okay but objectively i'm just a useless piece of trash who's wasting their life

[purpurussy]

.

[mrsoharaa]

god forbid that you ask your roommate for help for a simple task....

[halfdeadwallfly]

the scary thing is that i don't even need to fail to fail out of school. i just need to do poorly enough that i lose my financial aid and then bam i'm out

school is my thing, it always has been. i've been told it over and over again. i practically don't have anything else. so why do i feel like i just can't do it now

i need more time than i could ever find, to recuperate from some nebulous thing that i can't even identify

i'm disappointing my entire family and doing worse than i ever have before, and i want so desperately to have the gumption to care about what i'm trying to study and learn and to make myself do it, but all i want is for it to stop. i hate that i can't appreciate or find enjoyment in where i am, because i wanted it so bad and because i know that just having this opportunity is a privilege in itself, but i just feel like i'm constantly spiraling and all i really want is a break. i just want a hug and for someone to tell me it's ok

[welcometogrouchland]

May I ask about your Jason Todd idea? <3

Hm, okay so. How to lay this out sensitively since I know it might be a tad controversial...

Prefacing by saying I'm not an expert on the minutias of Jason characterization. I like him when he appears, I think the battle for the cowl/Morrison era and some parts of modern era for him are Weird and Bad, but I'm not Jason scholar (for that I'd say maybe check out @/tumblingxelian and their great video essays), I'm just trying to think of what might be an interesting step forward for him.

First, the canon facts

Jason got lobotomized and has panic disorder on steroids. By the end of Gotham War (specifically when Jason was. Flying the batplane into the asteroid. God I can't believe that's the plot) he was finding it in himself to power through said panics

In Joker: The Man Who Stopped Laughing #12, the joker gives Jason a "low dose" of joker venom, which has an ambiguous effect on Jason, allowing him to power through the fear (which joker explicitly states is still very much present, just not physically debilitating, like when Jason couldn't run over in either Catwoman #57 or #58, the one with the kid in the building) even though he'd been able to do that sans venom over in Gotham War, like I previously stated.

The effect of said joker venom seems to be lingering for now, minus the creepy grin side effect it gave Jason over in that man who stopped laughing issue, as seen in the latest batman issue (number is escaping me rn, #147??). He still has the stutter which is a shorthand for fear, he's drawn with fearful expressions by Jorge Jimenez, but he says that he's "working through it" thanks to the chemicals

This is both super interesting and kind of maddening as it doesn't completely remove the consequences of what happened in Gotham War, but is trying to sweep them under the rug and get back to business as usual. I, however, propose making said consequences front and center like a fashionable urn on a mantle piece:

Since it's never stated how exactly the joker venom works, and I think the current answer is "it works how the story needs it to" I've decided that because it's a low dose, it eventually wears off. And when it wears off, Jason's back to square one in terms of mental state. Ergo, if Jason doesn't want to live the rest of his life as quaking shivering husk of his former self...he's going to need more.

(read more for the meat of things)

So, Jason self medicates for a condition given to him by the father he has endlessly complicated feelings towards with a cure invented by a man who represents everything he hates in the world who once tried to take everything from him.

Which, insert poetic cinema gif here, I'm quite proud of myself for that one.

Anyway, there's a lot of directions you could take this. Personally I think it'd be interesting to explore Jason trying to get back into the drug trade like he did in UTRH (FULL TRANSPARENCY I HAVEN'T READ THE FULL COMIC, I KNOW BROADSTROKES BUT IM NOT GONNA TRY AND MAKE PARALLELS) as he tries to use the resources (production plants and other drug runners who can hook him up with samples of joker toxin/similar stuff you can probably find around Gotham) to manufacture his own cure that means never having to go back to the joker again. Maybe he ambushes a joker toxin chemical production plant to get his own supply, and then Jason uses this as his foothold back into that world.

This isn't necessarily me saying we should regress Jason alll the way back to UTRH, that was before his anti-hero era and I'm not willing to fully shoot him back into the past. I just think that's not how you tell good stories in a medium like comics. But it'd inherently be a little different just bc he's doing it for different, slightly more self motivated (depending on your take on villain Jason) reasons and the people around him would have a different reaction to it.

Anyway, all sorts of problems can arise! Depending on how you wanna characterize Jason (wayward son who longs to be back in the fold or black sheep who doesn't play by daddy's rules, etc) he can either a) try and hide this criminal enterprise from his giant family full of nosy detectives (good idea there jay) OR do it out in the open, trying to justify himself but still putting himself on the opposite side of the family again (not the law bc that boy hasn't been on the 'right' side of it since he died)

There's also the fact that Jason now needs to take something 24/7 in order to live his life. He essentially can't be without it, he's dependent on it, in fact he'd get sick without it despite any adverse effects it may have on him (which are guaranteed, I mean. No clinical trials)

I imagine it'd be easy to become addicted to it in some way.

And uh. This is the part where it works slightly better as a fanfic pitch than an actual comic pitch. Because as much as I think it'd be such an interesting beat for Jason's character considering his fraught history with addiction and drugs (looks away from that one urban legends story where he suggests terrorising addicts to get to the suppliers and bruce lectures him. The easiest way to make Mr "we don't sell drugs to children" sympathetic and you beefed it)

I also fully recognise that this is a sensitive topic that DC doesn't have the best track record with (although addicts aren't a monolith and feel a number of ways about addictions portrayals in comics) and that there's probably some pitfalls inherent in the premise, namely bc of Jason's background as an impoverished kid and his grey morality, and how those play into stereotypes of addicts. Addiction is already such a misunderstood and stigmatized condition that I imagine playing with it with an antihero might be enough to turn some people off. Addiction is not a moral failing and I'd hate to write it as a moral failing of Jason akin to his willingness to kill, etc.

But with all that said, I think that stereotypes are primarily harmful because of their shallowness. They inhibit understanding of groups labeled "other" by presenting them in simplistic ways that don't portray richness or complexity. And I think a truly good red hood comic could give both sympathy and complexity to Jason, even as an addict. If anything, Jason is a popular character (mostly) and there could be something nice about seeing a main character go through what you're going through, gritty details and all. YMMV (can we bring that back btw?) and it depends on execution. There's a lot of ways it could go wrong, but seeing as it just lives as a hypothetical rn, I think there's also a lot of ways it could go. I mean, not right, it's a downer story beat for Jason but it's mostly meant to be interesting and a vehicle for more stories as Jason navigates it, ya know?

Anyway, I have a lot of spiels littered in my notes app and discord DMs that elaborate on all this (how this could work as act 1 in a broader Jason story where his little operation goes to shit and he has to hit the road (jack) and maybe do some character development for better or worse. I'm a sucker and wanna say better- not squeaky clean better but. Yknow, finding himself to an extent. I recognise I'm a sap and a fool tho. Or how a new outlaws team could factor into either of those eras (since I do like Jason with an outlaws team. It gives him an excuse to exercise his compelling relationships and dynamics with other characters without having to constantly tip-toe around the elephant in the room whenever he's with the batfamily all the time. He just needs a good lineup) but that's all for another time

... though without elaborating on the vision in my head it kind of just sounds like my pitch is "Jason gets addicted to his hyper-anxiety medication" BUT I SWEAR ITS MORE THAN THAT.

It's like. If Jason has struggled as a character (and this is very subjective on my part so feel free to disagree) because he has compelling relationships with all of the batfamily, but also has compelling grey morality that makes it hard to capitalize on those relationships, without the conflict always coming to "Jason stop killing!" "Nuh uh!" OR just being ignored, and the main way writers have addressed this is via reboots instead of arcs...

Then giving Jason and the bats:

real, legitimate and fresh reason for jay to be mad at Bruce (taking their relationship of love with very little understanding to it's most dramatic conclusion)

give the family a real reason to want to bring him back into the fold (feel bad about the lobotomy and it would be pretty immoral to let Jason waste away slowly and painfully because of something Bruce did)

capitalize on all the ways Jason is sympathetic (bc the addiction is a natural lead into his backstory, which is one of his most sympathetic elements)

And the ways in which he's very out of step with the bats post-resurrection (I'd be mad asf too if i came back to life just for my dad to a) not avenge me and b) LOBOTOMIZE ME meanwhile the cunt ass clown giving me my meds is just lurking out there).

Idk it's not a sophisticated pitch as of this moment but I think a real chef (writer) could cook something w/ this

[venacoeurva]

It remains to be seen how much longer the non-art work related project that's high priority is gonna last, higher ups are still figuring that out, so hours for comms will still be shorter.

Some days they won't have much for me to do, so if when that happens I'll just work on comms as normal, but I can't predict when that'll happen.

[prick-love-for-arting]

... Mhm

[vodid]

incredibly frustrated with my inability to FUNCTION that just never seems to get better. so sorry to ppl who buy from my store and have to wait weeks to get their orders. i'm trying my best

this is honestly the best career option for me given everything but what does it say about me that i can barely even fulfill it?

[dustyfandomtrashbin]

Gosh every day I get less and less motivated to draw :/

[ya-what--ya-erster]

today genuinely sucks I am superrrr sick feeling and instead of you know, being fucking decent, I'm being punished for being sick. Punishments include:

-washing the dishes (even though my brother was supposed to do it)

-fold my brothers' laundry

-not allowed to listen to music

-not allowed to watch newsies (or anything else but newsies is what I want to watch nothing else)

-phone is taken away

-computer is not taken away but I'm not supposed to be on it (my dad's gonna be gone for a few minutes which is how I'm posting this)

-no I may not take any more ibuprofen since I already took some at like 8:30 this morning

-getting yelled at every five seconds for not doing the dishes yet

-keep getting offered food even after saying that I don't want to think about eating (like typing this rn makes me nauseous)

-no books

-"i don't care that you're freezing its warm outside take your sweatshirt off"

Im going to die

[tetohe]

Today's mood.

[kihaku-gato]

I'm growing to more and more understand how people in places like twitter get accounts for websites exclusively for getting/receiving/answering questions

[borealflorist]

I just want a job that lets me sit down and doesn't leave me in agony at the end of the day and that doesn't require ten thousand degrees and qualifications I just want to survive and stop hurting AAAAAAAAUUGGHJKHH

[lieutenantselnia]

Man I kinda miss my other self ships but all I can think and draw about at the moment are Heinz and Selina😅 I still love my other f/os of course, and they're very important to me, I just can't bring up the motivation to draw or write for them right now. I know I shouldn't feel bad about it but a part of me feels like I'm not giving them the attention they deserve :/

[penrose-quinn]

I am going through it so I'm gonna take a break from tumblr for awhile