#i'm not supposed to be drawing but i really am getting into megaman stuff again :(

[lanatusnebula]

X got an upgrade, Zero!

[lukael]

It's that time again

Man I always feel bad when posting long ass rants on tumblr, but this place is basically the last one where I feel I can actually speak my mind because nobody really gives a shit on here, and I mean that in the best way lol sometimes I just have this jumbled mess of thoughts in my brain and I just need to let it all out, yknow?

Anyways.... I feel like over the last 1-2 years I'd been in a pretty nice groove with drawing multiple images per months (almost exclusively commissions, but still that's something) but things have died down so much to the point where I'm not getting more than like... maybe 1 or TWO commissions per month if I'm lucky. Social medias have just all gone to shit, and maybe because the general mood is down, or because the economy is bad, or because I haven't been posting enough? like who knows the fucking reason at this point, I don't even really wanna know. It means I've been making basically no money but that's not what I wanna talk about

So the whole time I was busy with comms, I was like "oh man I sure hope I get some time to draw my own stuff soon" and I was in this mode for soooo fucking long, and now that I finally have the time, I just.... I got nothing. I haven't been drawing anything for like 2-3 months, I have no inspiration, no motivation.... Like 70% of my time has been going to making videos for my channel, and that's been fulfilling in its own way?? kinda? I've just kinda been doing it on autopilot tbh, because I don't think I'm good at it, and because 99% of the viewership doesn't interact with videos it feels like they don't exist yknow? So like I get these hundreds of regular viewers every week but it doesn't feel like it, I still don't feel like an actual "Let's Player" and not sure what I'd even need to feel that way at this point, but anyways

So I haven't been drawing, and it's really weighing on me. I've talked about it many times before, but my sense of self and my identity is so tied to my being an artist, it's something I've always wrestled with, so whenever I'm not making art, I feel like I'm failing at being me, if that makes sense. The desire is there, I still "want to be an artist", whatever that even means when you're just not drawing?? I just feel lost man. After years and years and years of consuming so much art online, I'm stuck in this constant loop of wanting my art to look like other people's and of not knowing who I even am as an artist. Am I just envy? jealousy? Do I have anything artistic to even offer to the world other than attempting to replicate artists that I like?

When I was a little kid, I started drawing my trying to replicate the art in like instruction booklets of games I owned, doing Marios and Megamans, and then moved on to trying to draw like Toriyama and Dragon Ball.... it's what gets you started as a kid, but I realize it just hasn't changed after all this time, I'm still just trying to copy what others are doing. I get enamored and impressed by the amazing artists I find online, but maybe it's also the worst thing that could happen to my art.

Like I'll do these pictures where I emulate someone's style and it'll look halfway decent, but that's not me... I don't know what my own style is supposed to be. And this has been going on for years, Audrey could attest to it, it just feels worse now because I really just..... don't even draw much anymore. The whole time I was working on commissions I'd say "i really need some time off so I can do some exploration and figure out who I am as an artist and what style I wanna do moving forward". Well, now I've got the time, but I still don't know, and I have no motivation to figure it out, nor do I even know where I'd start. And it's got me feeling like shit because again........ I'm supposed to be "an artist".... yknow?

And there's other factors playing into it, just the general apathy we've all kinda been feeling due to GenAI obviously, and the death of social media platforms for art, and just........ a lot of this negative shit is definitely affecting me and my motivation to create.... it's not that I've ever made art just to show it online, but if nobody is gonna see it, why even create yknow?

Anyways the solution would be to finally go get some therapy but again I'm fucking broke so obviously that's not happening, I'll have to settle for ranting on here instead