#i'm so fucking exhaused of everything all the time

[harrylovesspaezle]

..

[qhostqizmo]

personal

i try so hard to hold on to christmas spirit every year and ride some false high and every year its. not. it's not there.

i can't bring back the childhood memory of laying on the skirt of the christmas tree, staring up at our decorated pine, the smell of sap, the soft bulb mutli-color lights. the house dark; decorations everywhere, the faint sound of the tv in the background.

it's like the only positive memory i can recall. other than getting a gameboy and pkmn yellow the year of its release. only vaguely otherwise recall going to my grandmother's or my aunts, but nothing concrete. no details.

christmas time is literally the /worst/ time of the year for me and i'm so exhausted. i cook, i clean, i do everything to make christmas the best i can for everyone else- baking and buying gifts and decor and helping to put things up and going on and on. i'm tired. i'm working myself to the bone and constantly stuffing new things in that trauma box in the back of my head.

grandmother passed away christmas eve 10 years ago

not having presents under the tree for years and feeling like i'm worthless compared to everyone else (i understand it's not the meaning of christmas but try telling anyone it doesn't hurt to see adults and kids getting to unwrap surprises and you're just There, handing them all out). (oh and now you're an adult ADDICTED to the concept of surprise gifts becuz you have repressed feelings about 'person who got me smth cuz they like me and saw this and thought of me').

being burnt out and told by your family you're being mean and grinchy and cause all the fights and dramas on the holiday when you just want some peace or not to be asked to do something every 5 seconds. literally. called to cook or pick up or help with something or mocked for being the family blacksheep who gets overstimulated and needs a min or won't allow hugs or won't drink-- just leave me alone just let me be for a moment, please. i'm so tired of always doing everythign for the holidays i never got to be the one that sat down ever since i was fucking 7-8ish i've always been the second matriarch i didn't want to be i'm SICK of it. i'm SICK of having had to pick up my parents slack and be a second parent without realizing it god it's so goddamn exhausing and i don't really dwell on it until the holidays roll around just how long and how much i've had to do to make the holidays what they've been all my life for eeryone else.

this is my first year without my orion

last christmas is when i noticed something was very wrong with him

it fucking klls me how much i miss him. i'm devastated. i hate everyone talking about getting a new pet in this house i just want my boy back i'm so exhausted. my soulmate, my sweet boy, my goofy moose my protector my friend my smelly man. he meant the world to me. and no one fucking gets it.

it feels like there's this constant wall between me and happiness all the time and it's so much more pronounced in winter / especially dec through february. i hate carrying my burdens. i hate having to smile through and push through for something that hurts so much. this time of year is draining and filled with heartache for me. and it aint' even over becuz come my birthday i once again have to deal with the 'day that something bad alwys happens' and be mocked for being old but unaccomplished for my age according to normal people stands.

but i don't know any other way than to ball up my feelings and swallow them with the exception of like middle-of-the-night-diary-shitposting-all-over-the-internet. just throwing up my baggage. hoping the universe hears e i suppose. hoping somehow that yelling into the void can soothe the aches i carry deep down.

i want to hold my dog. i miss my boy so much. i hate pretending. i hate christmas. i hate that it will never have the innocent spark it had in childhood ever again, and will always be a muddled mix of misery and loss and grief and the struggle of adulthood and mockery.

i just want it all to be over.

i don't want to hold up a fake smile anymore or hold up traditions for anyone else i just want to be alone with my sadness and a blnanket. i 'mt not worth much more than finished housework anyway.

[kunikidas-lost-glasses]

Soft Soukoku College AU Headcanon

Paring: Soukoku

Fluff,slice of life, college AU, no ability AU, massages (in a sfw way)

Obviously thier mental health isn't as bad and fucked up as in canon.

Tws: very slight mentions of overworking and Dazai typical depression if this counts as tw. It's very slight tho.

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Chuuya always has a lot work to do. He is a college student, works part time at the local animal shelter, studys a lot to get good grades, is the lead singer of the college band, he goes to the gym regulary and does martial arts.

Besides this, he is also the one who makes sure that Dazai eats and that he won't slip in a depression hole again. (Dazai puts lot's of effort himself in it tho. Chu is very proud of him.)

Due to all of this, Chuuya often ends up overworked, stressed or just very physically tense

Dazai immedially notices if he's feeling like this again

When Chuuya comes home from the gym in the evening, in a bad mood, tensed up, stressed and hair messier than usual; throwing his bag in a corner and mumbling a "I'm back" before dragging himself in the bathroom to shower, Dazai decides, that it's now time to finally do something more besides only telling him he should take a break and whining about him not coming to bed at night.

While Chuuya is showering, Osamu orders some take out bc he can't cook a proper meal for shit.

Knowing in how much pain Chuuya's body must be due to him being so tense and him working out for hours, he also prepares everything to give his bf a well deserved massage

As soon as the redhead steps out of the bathroom, dressed in some lose pyjama pants, he gets pulled into a comforting hug.

He nearly falls asleep right there in Dazai's arms because hell, this man is exhaused

Dazai has no trouble with leading him to the bedroom (besides some small protests about how he still has too cook and how he still needs to prepare his bag for tomorrows lectures)

After Dazai explained to him that he ordered take out and after he did some convincing, Chuuya allows himself to go to bed and relax fully.

While Chuuya is already close to dozing off, Dazai massages him carefully on all the spots where he exactly knows how much they must hurt

So, he massages Chuuyas back,sides,shoulders,neck and tights (in a non sexy way)

Chuuya is dozing off after merely 5 min.

Dazai still continues a fair while with massaging his chibi, before getting something to drink aswell as glasses for diner into thier bedroom

They usually never eat in bedroom, besides if Dazai really can't drag himself out of bed on some days, but he knows that if they would sit in the kitchen, Chuuya would get all awake again and then he would have to fight to get him away from work and back to bed again.

After the take out arrived, Dazai puts on one of Chuuya's favorite movies and wakes him up carefully. Even though he wants to let him sleep, he knows that both of them sill have to eat something.

While waking up Chuuya he would kiss the freckles on Chu's cheeks, making him giggle a bit.

Chuuya is scolding Dazai a little bit for making them eat in bed but he secretly enjoys it ( as long as Dazai won't leave crumbs anywhere in the sheets)

After finishing diner, he nearly immediately falls asleep again, muscles and body less tense now, with the taste of one of his favorite meals still on his tongue and cuddling with Dazai.

He would mumble a sleepy "thanks mackerel" to which Dazai would always reply with something like that he couldn't stand the stressed atmosphere in this house while he tried to relax on the couch

This earns him a half hearted soft punch onto his chest before getting cuddled again

On the next day, Dazai let's Chuuya sleep in bc that's what he needed after all these nights of 3 hours sleep and excuses him from the lecture

Not wanting Chuuya to wake up all confused and alone in the house he stays at home too instead of going to pester Fyodor.

Bonus:

They always would do massaging and stuff like this when Chuuya is overworked

Dazai doesn't like massages as much as Chuuya so he usually prefers it when they simply watch movies and play video games or just kiss and cuddle when he's overworked

[the-written-kitten]

DBH fic: Update

Fandom: DBH

Characters: Hank, Connor

Relationship: Father&Son relationship

Summary: Connor accidently instals unnamed update. It didn't turned out good.

~~~~

After revolution Hank took Connor in. Many updates were added to androids. If they want they could get an unpdate that allowed them to eat. If they wanted they could instal update that caused feeling if their pulse in places everyone can feel it.

But there was one update that wasn't named and Connor accidently instaled it while he slept.

On the next day he went through his morning routine without problems but after about 3 hours at work, he began to feel worse.

His head ached, as did his whole body. He couldn't focus on anything and felt nausea. Unfortunatlly Hank could see that something was wrong.

"Are you feeling okay son?" Hank asked, looking at him from his desk.

Connor looked up at Hank and nodded. "Yes, Lieutenant. Perfectly fine." He said and went back to work. He somewhat ignored everything Hank was telling him, he just couldn't focus on it.

Then they went out on the crime scene. Connor felt horrible, his whole body felt numb and like it didn't listen to his commends. He was fighting with his LED to stay in blue.

He was looking around the crime scene when he felt something moveing up in his throut. He knew that it wasn't good. He pushed himself past Hank and threw up into the trash can.

When he ended Hank was already by his side. "I knew something was wrong."

"I'm fine Lieutenant." Connor said and wiped his mouth with his hand. It didn't felt good at all. He didn't want it to happen again.

"Stop that." Hank said sternly. "We're going home." He said and placed hand on Connor's shoulder. "Kid you running hot!"

Connor didn't have time to argue as Hank pushed him into the car. All he could do was obay now so he fastened his seatbelt and just sat, leaning his forehead against the window.

About half-way hime he fell asleep, feeling completly exhaused. He was woke up by Sumo licking his face. "Sumo...?" His voice was hoarse.

Hank walked out from the kitchen with wet wash cloth and placed it on Connor's head. The android felt relief in the cold compress. "How are you feeling?" Hank asked, looking worried and sitting down on the coffee table.

"My head hurts..." Connor mumbled and relaxed under the cloth. He was overheating, but it wasn't high overheat.

"Yeah. It seems like you have a fever." Hank said and covered the android with a blanket. "Maybe it will be better tommorow. Now just rest."

Connor looked at Hank tiredly. "Okay..."

Yep, Connor was definitly sick. He wouldn't agree to that. Hank just let him rest and went to his bed.

-

Hank woke up at 2 am by sounds of throwing up. He stood up grumply and rubbed his eyes, looking at the clock. "What the fuck is he doing now?" He mumbled and walked out. "Connor?"

The door to the bathroom were open and Hank saw Connor above the toilet. The android had a dark blue blush all over his face and sweat sticking his hair to his forehead. He looked so small and weak. "Connor! Jesus Christ. Are you okay?" Well, he clearly wasn't okay.

Connor just whimpered in response. He fell away from the toilet and leaned against the bathtub.

"Come on, son. I'm takeing you to bed." Hank said, lifting the android up. Christ, the kid was so heavy. His back was going to be sore tommorow.

He placed Connor in bed and took a bucket from the kitchen, placeing it next to the bed. Then he covered Connor with sheets and went for another wash cloth. He then placed it on Connor's forehead and the android sighed in relief. "Thanks... dad..."

Hank froze at first and then smiled. He sat down in the armchair and covered himself with a blanket. "Your welcome... son."