#i'm so fucking tired. physically and mentally. and i've had so many difficult things happen this week. and then this shit.

[fantabulisticity]

I was really pumped to go to a local concert that I thought was tomorrow, where a really good band is playing, and I found out AT THE TIME THE CONCERT STARTED that it's tonight and not tomorrow. I looked through concert tickets and shit and tried to find the length of the concert and band order for way too long and then finally decided to go and by the time I was ready, it was 45 minutes past start time and I would still have to drive across town and find parking. And not a single place online told me the band order. I HATE that shit. Idk where everyone finds that info bc i can fucking NEVER find it. So I didn't even know if I could still see them or not if I showed up late, and then it was so late that it's not even worth going. And the concert goes SUPER late and I work at 7 am and the tickets are $50 and I don't really have that right now. I am so sad and angry. I thought they were the headliner and I'd get to see them tomorrow. But I don't get to see them at all bc I've been so fucking busy and tired all the time that I didn't have the bandwidth to look for tickets until tonight. So now I'm going to bed without a shower even though I'm STICKY bc I spent the last HOUR trying to decide whether or not to try to go to this concert. I fucking HATE this shit. If I could have found this info earlier and more easily then I could have made it. But no. I don't get to go at all. And I don't know if this band will ever be in town again. I've seen them once and they were AMAZING, but that was years ago, and I was excited to see them as an adult. I had fucking PLANNED for this concert but my plans were wrong. And now I don't get to go at all. Bc this internationally recognized band is playing on a fucking THURSDAY NIGHT. Why the FUCK would I know they were put on a THURSDAY. And the websites are so impossible to navigate anyways, esp on Mobile. It is SO HARD to find the most basic info about this shit. And now I don't even get to go. Because it took me half an hour to find the info I needed in order to even make a decision, and that half hour started AT CONCERT START TIME. I'm so fucking sad and angry. I have had kind of a rough week, and I was really looking forward to this. The concert tomorrow doesn't have ANYONE I recognize bc I only know older musicians in this genre and I have NO IDEA who any of these people are. So I don't know if I even want to go to the one tomorrow. Because the one I wanted to go to was TONIGHT. A fucking THURSDAY. And I can't even just get my shit together and go anyways bc the concert will be halfway over and my bedtime is right fucking now. I'm so fucking sad. This event happens once per year and it changed dates a few years ago so I never fucking know when it is anymore, and now in the year when I DO know when it is and have a job where I can conceivably afford to go, and I fucking PUT IT IN MY CALENDAR AND TRIED TO BUY TICKETS, I actually can't go. The rug wasn't even pulled out from under me, I was trying to run over it and tripped on it and landed face-first on the ground. What the FUCK.

[bridgetlynn]

lol I see u in the pitt tags sometimes and it's like. jesus christ thank you. I think the issue we're running into with the pitt fandom is that it Is a complicated, real world show. And not in the way like white lotus is where everyone is terrible, no nuance, or severance where everyone is complicated but the real world application is...nuts. but in a way where people are messed up in normal, real world ways which is shockingly a lot more difficult to find these days on tv. And not to stereotype, but this is Tumblr where people are very online, maybe a little sheltered and socially isolated, and young (there's that poll going around and 50% of the user base is actually gen z lol). Idk how many of them have even met an actual addict. Or even had a job tbh. I grew up in the shit part of cincinnati and life has kind of sucked so like. whenever I see this Langdon/drugs discourse specifically I'm just like. who gives a fuck. Everyone gets arrested. Everyone kills someone every now and then. Everyone's an addict. My only concern is ok. your life sucks. what are you gonna do about it. it's not redemption, which is honestly a Stupid way to look at it. who even talks like that irl??? it's 'the only thing you can ever change is the future, so r u changing or not?' also. It's benzos, not meth (the only drug that really makes me say gtfooooo. bye). Anyway. thanks for keeping it real wrt addiction/drug use. I've just started going thru the main tag and blocking anyone that annoys me even a little lmao

I'm at work watching people lose their minds over the stock market (and half my office didn't show up today) so this might be a little disjointed and rambling...

Yup. To all of that. The lack of nuance blows my mind the most out of all of it. The hypocrisy too - I've never seen my much younger cousins or their friends (early 20s) sober on a weekend. And it's always some kind of off-label prescription drug too.

What happened to the good ol days of booze, weed (and coke when you got tired)? Like, at least I knew what was in that. (I'm only half joking)

The nuance being: Chronic physical pain is a thing that actually exists. And ER work is hard on the body. Langdon literally could have just very recently found himself in an 'oh shit' situation and figured he could get himself out of it without help. He's not going to consider himself an addict if this is a recent development- might also be why he's so pissed at Robby in the preview. The lack of listening to him has got to hurt Langdon (even if I do think it is not the night for a chat). It's like Robby just decided to write him off on the half baked word of an intern and therefore everything out of Frank's mouth is a lie or excuse.

Personally I've been there more then once. I was shoved down a flight of stairs in college and as a result have pretty severe nerve damage to my back (and subsequently limbs) - I can not count the amount of times I've realized 'shit...guess I'm in for a shit couple of days' when I realize I've killed my oxy supply for the month too early. Now I'm 'lucky' in some much that I have apparently fallen into the very small percentage of my family (like 10 people) who can take stuff, overuse and not get the mental itch so when I need to stop for a while I can (the physical sucks just as much as for anyone though). And can therefore essentially detox myself til enough time passes and I can't walk and need to go back to pills.

TL;DR - they act like Langdon is the evilist mofo to ever exist they also have zero proof of anything other then the 10 librium pills. They just decided that he did one bad thing- so therefore everything he does is bad.

[sincelastsession]

I understand that I'm a difficult and complex patient and when I say difficult I mean I'm not the easiest person in the world to treat and I don't try to not be treated I'm just saying it's hard to figure me out and it's hard for me to figure me out it's hard for me to explain and communicate.

And I don't exactly think that any therapist has ever enjoyed being my therapist.

Feel like a lot of people give up on me and I'm hoping that doesn't happen

And just because I know a lot about therapy because I've been in therapy for so long does not mean thatI know how to execute those things and then I do have pretty terrible executive dysfunctiand going on right now and most of the time

And sometimes I feel like if I just was able to get a nerve block that worked that was like successful that I would be able to experience and enjoy life and I might not have some things going on it might just all be because of trauma and stress and PTST shit I don't know though

But I always feel like time blind or like a pressure to be on time and to focus on time and it stresses me out

I had to tell my dad that I needed to talk to him about like 6 different things he was trying to tell me aboutAs if I was gonna remember everything he said verbatim and I couldn't and I kept asking him please text it to me or email me that information so I can put it somewhere where I can at least go back and find it and read the information if I need it and it took me a few tries for him to understand that I am not gonna remember anything he verbally tells me when I'm overstimulated for whatever reason.

And the problem is I have been overstamulated for what feels like most of my adult life it's just gotten worse and I have these meltdowns and these automatic reactions and I get angry and I text and I get reactive abusive and I can't stop I have not been able to stop.

There has been no pill or practice that has worked so far I'm willing to try some things But don't get mad at me if I tell you I have done that multiple times and it did not helpBecause this is not the first time I have spoken to a therapist and ask them for help about this and been unsuccessful

I would love to be successful

I don't think anybody realizes how tired I am all the time either and I'm probably having some thyroid problems but my indictment knowledge is a stupid idiot who won't listen to me about my own body and what medicines work for my body and have worked in the past and help me think

And I'm about to blow up his inbox on my chart because why the hell am I not on thyroid medicine if my thyroid was low I have hypothyroidism currently and I'm not on anything for it and that's probably fucking with my head as well

And then not to mention all the physical disabilities that I have and the pain that probably doesn't exactly help any of this situation

And I feel like I'm on top of shit mountain and shit mountain just getting taller and taller and fucking taller and it's so hard to clean up all the shit on shit mountain and I just want off of shit mountain

I just want a helicopter to come and take me off of fucking shit island off of the mountain off of the shit Volcano that I'm scared is going to erupt at any point in time

And it's so frustrating it's hard it hurts I hurt

I hurt in my heart I hurt with my physical disabilities I hurt with my Mental disabilities I hurt with my memories and I don't get many breaks from the pain

And right now I'm pretty upset with my partner because he said he was going to make time to call me today and talk to me because he knew it was gonna be a hard day for me and maybe he had a hard day as well but I'm still hurt about that

And people keep telling me oh you seem like you're doing so much better and I don't see it I really don't I don't understand I am literally doing worse I am having a flare and I'm probably having a physical body flare of my immune system issues and I have so much shit to take care of and all I want to do is just magically have enough money to just run away and go to the Netherlands like I was supposed to do for my birthday last year and that never happened and it didn't happen this summer when I was gonna go and people at this point probably just think I'm lying about it But luckily Ashley is really chill and just tells me you know when you're able to comeJust let me know and we'll figure out a good time to fly you out and all of that and I'm like okay cool so that's less pressure on me about it but I'm still mad because I desperately need a vacation

And my mom asked me if I wanted to go to biloxi and check out this casino and stay in biloxi for the weekend and I got upset with her because yes I need a vacation no I don't want to fucking go to biloxi but cause I don't want to be reminded of certain things but but yes also I do want to go but no I don't want to deal with my mom's bullshit and I don't know what to do

I'm not trying to be a brat and I know that everything or a lot of what I say sounds bratty and reads that way and I don't know how to change it to make it look better and I'm so tired of trying

I am tired of trying I don't want to quit but I'm fucking tired I really do need a God damn vacation and I don't need just like a 2 day vacation I need like a real vacation

I have actually had a real vacation in a very long time

I've gotten to go out of town to visit a friend but now he won't even fucking talk to me because he's seriously dating somebody and he's out from the country and their girlfriends get really possessive and fucking insaneIf they talk to other women as friends which I think is the dumbest shit ever and I don't know if he's alive or dead because he won't answer my text messages and I'm talking about Mike that lives out in abbeyville and his father died and I've been trying to check on him and talk to him and he just ignores me and my text messages and I don't know what happened and I don't want to call his mom and find out that he's dead or something

It really bothers me that a lot of people I know are doing really well yet I don't know how they're doing really well I have no fucking clue how they're good at the things enough to make the money they're making I have I doesn't make sense because I know these people and I'm like what sort of fucking witch craft are you doing to be able to do that I don't understand other people it's like I feel like I'm having to study them all the time

And I don't know if I'm even cut out to work like other people work because I have to get my brain straight in order to do that in order to somehow figure out how to make money and be fun actually independent and I wish I could be this lovely ethical slut that could be a financial dominatrix then do all the sex work and dress in these beautiful clothes and be very confident with their body and all of this other shit but I'm not I'm just a fucking autistic Traumatized little grammar of a person and I don't know what to do

Like it's so hard for me to just do basic things currently

Like I need to take a bath I took a shower this morning but I really need to get some Epsom salts andAt take a soak and then I need to drain the bath and run it out and then I need to take another bath and do a whole like regimen

But what I've been able to do is just take a bath and take a shower and wash my hair very basic self-care is all I've been able to do latelyesterday I wasn't even going to eat I had just given app on the idea of eating I wasn't hungry I couldn't make myself hungry the idea of food made me want to vomit and then finally I got the munchies and ate some food and felt a little bit better And thenI ended up staying up till 5 AM and freaking out again and then I went to bed and I got up at 10 AM And then I took a shower and then I sat around and mentally prepared myself to deal with my dad today and then I went and got a burger and I ate my burger and then I went to therapy and dad was not how he normally is he had his mask on real well andNothing went at all like I expected which is fine because nothing ever goes how I expected to be andFor me and for my brain and for how I took it it did not go well and now I'm not even fucking remembering parts of it which is disturbing and worrisome to me andI don't even know what I was gonna say because I'm super duper stressed out right now and I just keep talking and I can't shut the fuck up and it's just like compulsory and I don't know what to do and I'm having really painful Charlie horses all over my body or I guess painful muscle locking cramps andI probably should smoke my medical weed and take care of that and go to bed but my brain is wide awake And I want to do so many things and this happens every day where I get all these ideas to do things and I'm like yeah I'm gonna do the thing and then I never do the thing

And making a list is fucking pointless a list is just a self-destructing thing for someone like me I it doesn't matter if I have it in my head it doesn't matter if I have it on paper it doesn't matter if I have 15 alarms set with the list it doesn't work with my brain and I wish it did I wish I could be a super duper organized person and keep a planner my sister keeps a planner and I don't know how she does it I have no clue I don't know how people do that I don't know how people stay organized because I can't stay organized to save my fucking life

Like gun to my head and tell me to organize my shit and I would just tell them to go ahead and pull the trigger because like it's just not happening I'm not good at it I don't know what I'm doing but you know what's hilarious

I'm really bad at cleaning up after myself and taking care of myself but I'm really fucking good at doing that for other people

I'm also really good at dressing other people but I'm not good at dressing myself

I am also pissed off because I haven't had the ability to make any new artwork of fuck and I have no use and I don't even know if I enjoy art anymore and I don't know if I have any passions and I don't know what I want to do with my life and I have no idea if I'm ever going to end up and a relationship other than the current one that is good and fulfilling for me

And I want all the things that I see that my friends have and it looks like it came so easy it looks like they had such an easy time doing it or it looks tremendously hard and impossible for me to do

And I'm so scared I shouldn't be scared to live my life but I'm terrified all the time I'm scared that someone's gonna pop out and be mad at me and that's gonna hurt and I'm scared to get hurt and I'm already hurting and I don't want any more hurt

And I'm seeing my sister turning to me and I can't stop it and no she's not exactly like me but I see a lot of the same things happening and it's because of the way my dad is abusive towards her and what he thinks is okay to treat her like but also she has some serious problems

Like I know sometimes people smile when they're nervous or they have like a weird emotional response like that's kind of a normal thing that just happens like I laugh at funerals because I don't even know what else to do I get so overwhelmed by grief and instead of crying after I've been crying for a while I just start hysterically laughing and I have to fucking excuse myself so people don't think that I'm a bitch

But my sister since she was very small has always gotten this dead eyed look on her face and grinned when she was doing horrible shit to me

And when my father is extremely abusive he makes the same fucking face even though they're not blood related it's the same sort of whatever I don't know I can't diagnose that

And no one believed me until my sister got a little bit older and my mom started to notice

So I got punished for years and tortured by her 15 years younger than me for years and she doesn't remember any of it and if she does she thinks it's funny and I don't even know

I don't even know how I had a time jump from like 7 PM and now it's 1 AM and I haven't even been typing that long I know that other things have occurred since then but I feel like there's missing time and I don't know if it's just time blindness or just associative issues or if I am in desperate need of a vacation and sleep

I mean I don't know what I need I don't know anymore

I do and I don't

I just find that life is incredibly hard and I'm tired

I'm so tired I'm not at risk or anything don't pick up the fucking phone please dear God but you know I'm tired dude I'm really tired

And you know my dad has promised me so many things and one reason I'm so angry with him and so frustrated with him is because he promised me so much and I didn't even ask for it he just told me Hey I'm gonna do all this stuff for you and he got my hopes up and then I found out that he doesn't know how to manage his money and I have noticed that my mom doesn't know how either and They fucked up and all the money that was supposed to go to helping me or helping me go to college etcWent to adopting my sister and my dad getting a new car and my mom needed to pay bills with inheritance money that she swears wasn't inheritance money but my uncles are like no your grandmother loved that to you and your sister and your mom used it and they both don't like my mother and my uncle who is a priest flat out was just wasted on the phone the other day when I was asking him a question and he was talking shit about her but I couldn't fuss at him because he's An uncle that actually does kind of care even if he doesn't understand but he was also shit face drunk and I wasn't going to argue with a drunk priest uncle because I've already done that before familyAt family gatherings and he's just sprayed me with holy water and recited parts of the Bible like a fucking Dick

I wish I could talk to my schizophrenic uncle. It is so nice to talk to other people who are actually mentally ill and do understand family dynamics that are insane it's refreshing because yeah they aren't understood very well either but we understand each other

And I really hate this whole idea of autistic people having to fit in with normal people and the world is just not built for us it's not andIt's just not built for different minded people at all

I mean my psychiatrist in his PA talk to me about how I'm incredibly smart and I have all this stuff going on in my brain all the time and the world's not built for people like me and they told me that you know my intelligence and my ability to think about certain things in certain ways is like a super power and yeah I get that it's a little bit cringed to call it a superpower it's more like a curse to me because damn I wish I was dumber I wish sometimes I was just dumb as a box of rocks and could just have a job and go through life having a job And big a dumb dumb and not havingA fucking care in the world because I see like people that are questionable if they're not like a bunch of animals in a trench coat or like people that look like they secretly eat glue and crayons as a snack and I'm like how in the world do these people get through life walking around acting like ignorant dumb fox and I'm having problems with like basic shit like making sure that I brush my teeth and brush my hair and bathes And it's stupid and I'm so angry about it

And I'm mad right now that my hips hurt and my back hurts and I can't do anything about it unless I go to the urgent care and get some anti-inflammatory shots in my ass because otherwise I'm gonna have to lay in bed for a few days and I don't want to do that and I want to do a bunch of other stuff but I'm exhausted and I have to take a break and I don't want to take a fucking break

And I don't know why I always feel like I'm in a frantic rush like I'm the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland screaming we're late we're late

I don't know what I feel frantic sometimes and I guess it's anxiety related or I don't know

I miss my grandmother's so fucking much I really do

They understood me and my uncle understood me and he still alive and I would really love to visit him but nobody will let me and I don't know how he's doing and I'm just sadd I want to know my odds and my uncles and not be treated like shit

I wish I had a tighter knit group of friends and a better support system Travis is wonderful and all but since I've been hanging out with him other people are acting weird because they're not understanding that he's sober because they haven't seen him in a long time and a lot of people think that we're dating and I had to correct so many people at the metal show and it was not fun To be like yeah that's no that's my brother you know no thank you he's really great though and you should definitely talk to him if you're interested but I am not interested

And the thing is sometimes I look at him and I try to be interested I really do because he's nice enough to do there are some things about him that I really don't like but I know he would be good to me but I'm not attracted to him in the way that I would need to be I don't see him like that he's like a brother today he literally farted at me and then ran out the room like an asshole Or a brother I don't know

But like it was just weird everything's weird I just want to be back where I was going to shows and socializing and God damn I miss having sex it's been so fucking long and it takes so long for me to have a connection with somebody to do that and maybe I just need to get laid

Maybe we just need to figure out a way to get me laid without me losing my mind maybe I need to have a one night stand that's really good or something but I'm not that kind of person no I was cursed with demisexuality and it takes me a long time to like somebody and jump into bed with them or I have to be horribly comfortable around them I have to feel at ease

I don't even know if I like sex anymore

Like if this is too much information you can just skip over it because I'm gonna keep talking about it I can't really Get myself to pleasure myself anymore and when I do it's more of like a compulsive thing because I feel like I just need to get off and go to sleep it's not something that like I'm enjoying anymore and I don't like this

And I had to talk to my GYN because I have never had a traditional orgasm like I'm supposed to and so the Doctor was like well there's a procedure we can do where we can inject plasma into then you'll have orgasms and I'm like that sounds really cool we could try that if I can afford it but like I also get these awful sists and The doctors figured out what's causing it however there's been no treatment for it because they want me to lose weight but I have thyroid issues and even if I Stick to a diet and exercise it does not help me drop weight until my metabolism is working correctly and if I'm in hypothyroid then it's not working and if I'm in hyperthyroid then I drop weight or super fast and I don't know right now I can hear my Neighbors screaming at 1 another and it's Driving me Insane because it's Really late at night and I shouldn't be able to hear people screaming at each other from 2 Doors down Inside of their apartment

And I told my dad that I would be willing to stay short-term in a downstairs apartment somewhere safe and quiet if I didn't have neighbors above me that stamped around or at least the noise was muffled a little bit because people get on the roof above my apartment to fix the AC units for the apartment surrounding me and some people just climb app there and party and I can hear them when they're walking app there and it's so Loud and scares the shit out of me every single time Since the time I moved in

So I don't know if having an upstairs neighbor is tolerable for me and I do not want to make things hard on my family and I already feel like a huge burden

And there was a time where my dad was doing nothing but calling me an imposition For weeks he was doing this I wasn't serious pain I had a back injury I was using a Walker to move around and he was being abusive to me severely and telling me I was faking everything while I was crying in pain't struggling to get up the stairs and he just drove off and left me by myself to figure out how to do things and I had to pay my ex-boyfriend to stay with me when my father and my mother could have done that where my sister could have done that and all I needed them to do was just fucking call EMSIf I fell and my doctors have been telling my parents to move me to a downstairs apartment and get me some sort of help when my back is fucked up If they can't as my family help me

Because I was always taught that family is supposed to help family and be the ones that you can talk to about anything and be closest to and that's why I don't want to give up because I want that and I was lied to

There's just so much I'm finding out at 37 about the way people think and work and just operate and I don't understand it doesn't make sense to me I don't get it it's not clicking in my head

And people are like well if you know it's not clicking in your head then shouldn't you be able to figure that out and I'm like no but because my brain does not work like yours and I don't think like that and I could try to think like that but it doesn't make it click into place

It's just like I don't understand why my partner being my dominant and helping me get things done by tasking me works but it does and I don't know how he can magically put me in subspace and I feel completely relaxed and safe and like I'm being protected and then I'm given Like long distance after care a little bit of a chat or he'll check on me the next morning and see how I'm doing and nobody else Has ever really been able to do that with me and Figure out how to loop hole my brain But he does and he's good at it and sometimes I ain't like hey I really need help today because I can't fucking function

And if he has the time then yes we do that and if he doesn't then he lets me know but usually he won't leave me with nothing he'll at least tell me ZI can wear my collar and tell me to find something to keep myself busy until he can do something for me or Whatever.

You know he wants me to find a partner here and I'm looking and it's just really hard because it's not like I can really be dating people here actively right now and letting them get to know me when I'm still figuring shit out and in therapy for all my crap and about the only person that I would be willing to sleep with currently is my ex-boyfriend who does not seem to be interested in whatsoever but I could be wrong because I can never tell when somebody is interested in me it's confusing as fuck people have to like directly tell me hi I like you I would like to have sex with you I would like to date you etc like otherwise I'm fucking clueless

I hate this so much

I hate the incessant compulsive need to just process all this shit constantly for pages and II don't know if it's helping me or not

I mean apparently according to my psychiatrist this is actually a good thing for ptsd but I don't know

I'm not noticing the good things that other people are about me and I don't know what that is Like I don't know what is changing for the good and they tell me that like I'm doing so much better and then I'm like I don't know what the fuck you're talking about dude

Also completely off-topic since I'm not really staying on topic anyway but completely fucking off-topic out of left field I need to talk about something well I'm thinking about it

So I used to hang out with Matthew on Sundays and Father's Day was Sunday and Matthew still follows me on TikTok and liked quite a few of my reposts during probably the time he was supposed to be hanging out with his kids and wife for Father's Day stuff and I feel that he probably would rather be here with me but he chose to not divorce his wife and Stay together with her for the kids benefit which is stupid in my opinion but I understand that his kids come first but I still think that a divorce Would not hurt the children and no I'm not talking about Matt in New Jersey I'm talking about Matthew who was a transperson and They use heat they pronounced and they wanted to be more feminine but unfortunately they were kind of built like a Jack marine and it just wasn't like a girly style that they wanted to try and say they just presented as masculine and male and I have discovered that I am attracted to people who are male to female trans or or I am sometimes attracted to Stone top lesbians though I have never gotten to experience any sort of intimothy other than with Matthew who was a sexual so the intimacy was only just cuddling and they caught me off guard 1 day when they just gave me the world's most beautiful Wonderful kiss and the last time I saw them in person They went to leave because one of their kids was very sick and in the hospital but before they left and walked out the door they ran back over to me and they kissed me and And then the next thing I knew his wife was calling and it all blindsided me because he told me he was looking for a lawyer to get into force but it turns out that he had gotten a house with his wife and they had been going to couples therapy and he had just neglected to tell me for 4 fucking months out of years of a relaxing spin time together type relationship Z He just didn't want to hurt my feelings by letting me know what was going on

He didn't think that his wife was smart enough to figure out that he was coming over to my apartment and I wanted to be left out of the drama because I had heard the way that she spoke to him and it was horribly abusive and I was always under the impression that they were separated and in the process of trying to divorce and I was lied to you and that hurt really bad and I did get an apology and I do believe that they are sorry And I miss them desperately and I can't reach out any more than I have because it's going to get him in trouble because his wife is really awful and the only reason he's with her and chose to stay with her is for their kids and sometimes I hope that he will change his mind and divorce her and show up at my doorstep And sometimes I think about well maybe he will wait until the kids are 18 and then say fuck you to her and come back to me but then I put that on a shelf for later and I walk away from it because it hurts so much

And last night I met the most beautiful Woman who was definitely male to female at med city ballroom I believe she works there and I wanted so badly to flirt with her but I didn't know how and she was so pretty and It was so interesting because she had a very strong masculine deep voice but she looked very very feminine like she started her hormones very early or something and if she had spoken in a woman's voice I would've never known because usually you can kind of tell by facial structure and body build but no not with this person And It makes me want to go back and see her again but I don't even know her name

And one thing that Matthew told meWhen I discovered that I likedMale to female transpeople he was aggravated by that and what he was aggravated about was that I wasn't interested in dating a transperson that had bottom surgery I was interested in transpeople who aren't interested in bottom surgery who want to date women who want to have sex with women but are still trans and women themselves And I was told that this was wrong and I don't understand how that's wrong and it made me cry becauseIt's just a preference it's not anything that's like a fetish for me it's just what I don't see how that's wrongAnd who knows I maybe would date somebody with bottom surgery but I could never be sexual with a woman that way because I have had a horrible trauma and I am not interested in female genitalia at all I don't even like my own but I don't want male genitalia that I'm aware of

I experienced romantic attraction I experienced sexual attraction I think pretty sure I am I guess pansexpaul and Demi sexual. I don't know whatever labels and terms else I would identify as

I mean me myself I don't really know if I identify any certain gender but I just use she her pronouns because it feels easier because it just feels really complicated if I want to use other pronouns and having to tell people but I don't even feel the need to do that and people don't generally believe me when I tell them that I'm not straight or people think that I'm a lesbian because I don't exactly dress feminine or really give off feminine energy to them

And I really do wish that I could be somebody but I don't really feel like somebody I just feel like a part of a brain with was a body and I don't even know if this is me or part of me talking and II don't know

And and there's so many lives I want to live and so many things I see and it just doesn't seem possible

I wish I had some sort of aesthetic and style for myself I wish I had some sort of cause play type identity that everybody else seems to have

They seem to know what they like to wear and know what looks good on them and they can flaunt it and pull it off and they look great and I feel gross and it doesn't matter if I'm thinner because I have been thinner I've never been skinny but I've been thinner and I still look stupid and things that I would try on and I've been bigger than I am now and I look terrible and the clothing that I would try on and I don't really have very many clothes to wear I just have like 2 pairs of pants and a bunch of old ass shirts with holes in them and It's really not great

And my mom gives me clothing and when I wear it it looks like old lady clothing of course because she is an older lady and it ages me and I want to wear leg a crop top but I look stupid wearing them because I don't look like the fat girl models that look good in those clothes

I just don't my body shape as bizarre

All the things that are flattering come in ugly colors and bad patterns or it's too expensive to buy and the sewing machine I was given because I was like fuck it maybe I will sew my own clothing well nobody knows how to work it and I was promised my other grandmother's sewing machine but my mom is letting abusive alcoholic man probably use that or she's like squirrelled it away and says she's gonna use it someday but if you saw how absolutely filled to the brim her house is of just boxes of stuff that she's going to get 21 day it's sad because the hoarding disorder she has is Very sad and her need to constantly get more things and buy more food because she felt sheaker app with scarcity even though both of my uncles are not like this at all and they told me that she got everything she wanted growing app and she would throw tantrums if she didn't and she never really got in trouble and they got a brunt of the abuse from my grandfather and according to my oldest aunt on my father's side he's always been out of control And strange acting since he was young and he's done some fucked up things and I looked up things and I don't know who to believe

Anyway circling back to my sexuality I don't know what to do anymore about dating

Like I'm happy with Matt but he's right I do need somebody that's here. Unless he decides to just move down here I don't have anyone. Sometimes I think he gets a little drunk and talks about wanting to move to New Orleans and retire and live here with me and that sounds like a wonderful thing andI know that he really wants to marry his primary partner who already has a husband and that's not something he can do and not and I consider him my primary partner but he wants me to have a partner here and I understand that but I haven't found anybody that's acceptable and I would consider dating my ex-boyfriend again because he's sober now andYou know he would always apologize to me about all the awful shit he did and I let him get away with and all that and I was like well you know verbal apologies don't generally make me feel any better because I've had you know my family apologized to me for hurting me and then they do it over and over and over and over and over again and apologies begin to mean nothing to me and the only thing that means something to me is seeing a change in a person And them doing the work and proving it to me and I do wonder if that's something he chose to do for himself or partly because of me orIf maybe I just contributed to it by putting that in his head when I was talking to him about how you know apologies are great but I'm tired of having apologies and not saying any changes like maybe that clicked in his head 1 day or I don't know maybe somebody else magically convinced him to get silver I'm not sure

And I love him and I know about all the stupid shit he's done like shit that no other girl would put up with but it's not really a big deal to me

And he's fucking younger than me and I don't know if that's a good idea even my partner is 2 years younger than me

I wish I could like Travis I just don't though and it's really aggravating I can't make myself I've tried I've tried to get myself attracted to him and I just can't do it I know everybody really wishes for that tap but it's just not going to that I can see

And I have spoken to a lot of really cool nice people and they seem interested in me but no one ever tells me if they are andI don't know what I'm doing anymore

And I'm really lonely like my partner tries his best and today he was supposed to be here for me he knew it was gonna be a hard day and all of that and he wasn't here for me and it hurt andI don't know if he had a reason or if he's just fucking forgot because he's an alcoholic and he needs to get his shit together but you know I promise not to fix him but he also let's me know whenIt's OK for me to call him out on bullshit and I'm pretty timid about calling anybody out on bullshit other than I'm late unless they are hurting somebody I love and care about

And I wonder if I do actually love and care about myself and that's why I am so vicious and protective of myself and I do wonder if that's why I'm so vicious and protective of people I love if there's like a correlation between that if that makes sense I don't know but like I never really thought about if I loved myself or not because I don't really know what myself is I just know that myself Never got protected it never got Justice for what happened to her and she needs somebody to protect her or she's going to get hurt Again and we can't do it we've been trying and I don't know where she is We look for the course self all the time and sometimes she's then she disappears and I don't know because it's real bizarre because I'm part of her I am her but then I'm not and We don't know what's going on with that I don't know what's going on is what I don't know if it's me or if I'm crazy or I mean I don't have like pretty much given up even reading about this sort of stuff because it is so confusing

Like how do people go about Not being broken into pieces because I feel broken in a million little pieces and you know it's really weird if you have me do handwriting my handwriting changes constantly and it's really weird it's like script and print and the styles change and It's really bizarre and you know I see the paragraph that I wrote wee and I'm like who the fuck is we but I know that there's a wee because I know it's just I don't understand how to explain it

I don't like talking about it because I don't want some other diagnosis so a Doctor can treat me like I'm crazy and tell me to quit smoking weed and take me off of my anxiety medicine when I actually need those things for pain and all sorts of other reasons

And I've already explained the purpose of those medications so I don't need to go over that and you No somebody has to protect her

Nobody protects her

And I'm scared that everybody's going to find out that I'm not like them

But I also don't know why I care

I don't know why I can't just say fuck it

I don't know why there's just no Justice for all of the bad things that happen I don't know why people don't follow rules I don't understand that I don't know if this talkie part of me is an altar or me or a disorder or just PTSD or 80 HD

I'm not correcting that we can all figure out what that means I'm pretty sure

You know I always suspected that I had some sort of disassociative disorder and my mom's even made comment about like how I always was spacing out especially when they were arguing but I don't understand why they never stopped are you and once they noticed that it was causing me to great distress because who the fuck does that to a kid what the fuck is wrong with grown ass adults why do they do that in front of children I wish I could slap the faces of every single fucking person that does that And then like chokes slam them into a wall and tell them that they're gonna fuck up their kid to hell if they continue and they shouldn't be fucking parents if they're going to continue acting like that

You know I could have really hurt my sister and my family doesn't know that I could have really really hurt her when she attacked me and I had so much trouble trying to fight with myself and parts of myself it's all to hold it together and just like shove her ass out of the way and try to block the hits that were being thrown and all the bullshit she was screaming at me and I tried really hard to reason with her And I thought about putting her in a hold where she couldn't get loose and I could just make her take a little nap on the carpet and she would be fine but I didn't want to hurt her Or cause her any more distress and my dad told me that it wasn't about the candle for her that she was just pissed off because she had a bad day at work and that makes me even angrier now that I know that it had nothing to do with the candle for her because I thought it was all about the stupid fucking candle

No she's just immature and a little asshole and she just decided she was gonna try and beat me up

I grew up with people that would go to the person they hated's house and if their parents weren't home they would go in the house and drag them outside and beat their ass on their own front lawn

I grew up with gen x people.

I ran around with my best friend Going to fucking trap houses and I'm not bragging about it it's not cool the things that I experienced I rode around in the back of the car with her getting stoned as hell while her boyfriend and baby daddy and her friend's boyfriend and baby daddy wrote around and sold crack and the only reason that I know what a crack rock looks like is because they showed me and it looks like a block of parmesan cheese it's wild and now I know as I call it Certain slang names and I've never done it I've never touched it I've never actually physically touched it because I know that shit can soak in through your skin and people don't realize that Also I mean it's made with lake household chemicals and that's pretty fucking gross

But also I have definitely smoked a Blunt that had Coke in it before and I did not know it and It made me incredibly sick it did not get me fucked up it just made me sick and want to fucking die and I thought I was dying but I didn't and I would never want to touch it again

And then one time my mom's shitty alcoholic pet boyfriend whatever the fuck he is got me some weed because I didn't have anybody to get it from and it was laced with cocaine and PC P and I smoke that and it was a large bag of it and he said it was Mexican weed and I really do think that it fucked me up and the reason I know what it was laced with is because I was waking up in puddles of sweat and smoking entirely too much constantly and then one evening I had an auditory hallucination about being in a ballroom with leg you know like bridgerton style and this was before bridgerton existed and it was like mentally in my mind's eye I could see everything and physically I was just laying in bed But I could hear the talking and the music and it was beautiful but it was also terrifying and so I asked my dad to go get me a Drug test and I pissed tested myself and it popped for those 2 things and I was horrified so I had him get rid of it and everybody was like I would have taken that that's hilarious oh my God do you know how expensive it is to get PCP and I'm like why in the world would you want to do those drugs

Like why would you want to do PCP?

Like you know how anti psychotics can cause people all sorts of problems yet that drug can wreck your brain for the rest of your life and I worry that that's what happened was before I moved out of his house right before I moved in with Lucy and Don't know if it did something to me and changed me. I do know that it can profoundly change people and it can cripple them and fuck them up beyond belief

And then one time I smoked opiumThat was in a Blunt and I thought it was really weird that everybody else was nodding off and faded and I was wide awake and like Hey guys Hey hey I don't fucking hurt this is the best thing ever who wants to go on a long walk with me andWe're all so fucked up and I was just pain free.

I never did that again though

I was always scared of doing other things

I did try the stupid gas station weed before and all it did was give me an awful fucking headache back in the day when spice was popular

I was like fuck that

And then I used to go get dackeries a lot with Kelly and I would ride with her so she could go get her pills and I would help her find fucking hose clamps.

But I never took those medicines unless I was prescribed them for paying for myself for my own problems because I wasn't interested and how they made me feel I'd just liked having no pain but I never had an addiction to them that was never an issue I've never had like any sort of addiction issues

And I guess I'm lucky about that but sometimes I look at the vodka that lives in my refrigerator and I think about just getting wasaid because I just want to

And sometimes I look at alcohol and beer in the store and I want to get it and I don't have any sort of drinking problem or anything but there's so much history in the family of drinking problems that I don't know I don't want to tempt fate but sometimes I do want to go out and have drinks and get drunk and I don't really have anybody to go out and party with and Justin Was a person that I was going to be comfortable doing that wasn't till he got really fucking weird and we are still technically friends but I have been ghosting him because I can't really handle a lot of his behavior which is very similar to my father's behavior that I finally figured out what bothered me.

The thing is like he really likes me or at least he thinks he does but what I noticed is he likes the idea of me and not actually who I am and he had problems with who I am when I tried to show him who I was currently and he didn't like that and I'm just like well I'm not going to morph myself into the perfect little tradwife for you sorry that's not going to happen And then him insulting my partner really pissed me off and I've already told him off about it

Because what did he think that he was going to pretend to be Polly and then start dating me and then push Mat out of the picture

And the last time we spoke he was just like well I've been thinking about you in the most leg try hard flirty way and I was like you internally I wanted to say it out loud but I just didn't and I didn't even respond to it over the phone call and I just changed subjects because it's just like I don't know what I'm supposed to do cause I don't like him like that he knows it and he's still pushing even though I have put his ass in friendzone or whatever the fuck you want to call it people are like Always bitching about friendzone and terms and crap like that and it's just like oh come onEverybody knows that technically friend zone is just like you liked the person but you don't like the person enough to fuck them or date them so they're just a good friend because they're a nice person you don't want to like not be friends with them and then it just makes things complicated if the person can't just stay within the boundaries and he crossed my fucking boundaries by messaging me to ask how I was doing when I told him that I would message him when I was ready to talk and feeling better and I'm still not feeling better and he has continued to message me and I don't really Want to reply right now and he can just live with that or he can fuck off

And I don't know I think I'm just gonna stop for the evening I'd have plenty of other things to talk about and I think you know it's time that we have out decompression time and go to sleep

AndI don't know sometimes it just really feels like time is bending because it goes fast and then it goes slow and then it doesn't make any sense to me at all and thenI just start thinking about you know how the Earth and the universe is just not locally real and how all of that works and all these lake theories that it keeps me up at night but not in a bad way because at night I can just quietly do what I please on the computer and I can comfortably eat without feeling embarrassed or shamed and it doesn't trigger my eating disorder And I can smoke weed and not be bothered and I can do you pretty much everything except make loud assNoises because I don't really want to disturb my neighbors or I might be like enjoying myself loudly singing or something but you can hear through the fucking walls

So like generally I just watch Korean dramas and whatever shows that look good on Netflix and prime and I might also be playing like a Sims game and I might be having like 60 tabs open with 6 different rabbit holes of research I'm doing on some sort of niche subject that I have become hyper fixated on and then suddenly I'll be like I'm not interested in this anymore and I'll close it and then I'll be like oh no where did that go and I'll never be able to find the fucking webpage again and you know there's just So much information and I want to absorb all of it.

I have some videos that I have not posted that I'm going to post here

I found them to be very interesting and it really explains somewhat how I feel you'll and I haven't really looked at any disassociative disordered TikTok's but I was considering doing that to see if there is anything relatible to show you but most of the ones that I save are about like other mental health issues or narcissistic abuse or whatever that I very strongly Agree with and understand that I want other people to see and understand and share

I don't like that my dad has put me on a time crunch that I'm going to have to change phone proviters and you get a new phone and start paying a bill for that and he's acting like I can't just give him money for the family plan that we're on and I'm like are you planning to die soon and he doesn't look good like he'll eat it lose weight but he has no muscle it looks like and I'm like Hey I want to ask him hey you know is are you fucking dying are you going to die soon do I need to go ahead and start grieving now like I already grieved a little bit when I was on the contact but you know I quitBecause my mom would tell me about the awful shit he would say about me behind my back and the shit he would say to her and it made me mad and I was just like fuck him

And you know same thing with my sister who's just being awful to my mother and it's weird because my mom will be nice to me but then you'll turn around and be really nasty to me and you know next session it's probably going to be about things I do that she doesn't like.

I never really hear or see my parents act genuine.

It was weird as hell to see my father act the way he did today.

Chelsea said he looked scared when I asked what his facial expression was.

I was pissed that he was late.

I still don't understand what he needed to talk to you about first and why.

I left that choice up to you.

I can't go back in time. I should have said no. I should have just gone in together.

I started to panic when he went in there with you.

My father, the person that literally hurt my neck connective tissue and I had whiplash pain for weeks. I have evidence. I could send him to jail.

I didn't bruise and didn't think to take pictures of the red marks on my chest from my sister before they went away but she admitted she did it and not even about the candle

Who does that?

Now I'm angrier because it wasn't about that. She was just mad and had a bad day and wanted an excuse to fight.

I regret not fighting back or calling the cops now.

I regret not beating her ass to teach her a lesson.

Fuck her.

She didn't apologize and she's partying and getting stoned and drinking having fun not giving a fuck about what she's doing to others around her.

If she ever puts her hands on me again like that I will defend myself.

But no I'm being nice. I got her a bag with plan b and condoms and narcan and fentanyl test kits. I'm still trying to be a good big sister.

I'm trying to just be a person.

[mangodestroyer]

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through this as well!

I'm not even physically disabled myself! But retail sure as hell makes me feel like I am sometimes. I used to be that person who could just stay thin with very little effort and walk a fifteen-mile hike through some rough ass terrain like it was nothing! People worried about me and thought I was starving myself. Others joked and called me hollow leg. People thought I was too thin to be strong, but I have always been tall and muscular for my bio sex. I used to work another job where I lifted up to fifty pounds all day for ten hours, forty hours a week. Non-stop. I'd work outside in blizzards, dragging huge grocery orders through the snow. As an awkward, lanky 20-year-old who only weighed 120 lbs.

But this job? This job has me lying in bed for most of my free time. My joints sometimes get so sore and I feel like I have to take so many measures to reduce inflammation. Despite still being a physical job... that weight I put on is being so fucking stubborn. I've started reducing my calories by quite a bit too. I do think about exercising, but I cannot bring myself to get out of bed to do that. I think it's the mental exhaustion doing this. I'm mentally disabled and really, I probably shouldn't be working a job like this. I'm already a high risk for mental health (moderate depression and anxiety). I have a diagnosed disorder that basically means I'm borderline autistic. And I think I might also have ADHD and cPTSD as well. You're right, the scheduling doesn't help with your social life. Not that I have much going on anyway, but it doesn't help me build one. Nor does it make me a fun person to be around because I am always burnt out and often in a bad mood. I probably seem boring, bitter, and borderline crazy. I'm also now addicted to weed and caffeine. I'm not even functional without those things.

No, it doesn't have to be like this. I genuinely believe that capitalism has set things up like this on purpose. If you look all throughout history, tons of empires had a slave class. Wage slavery IS actually recognized as a form of slavery. It just doesn't seem like it is because we still have some semblance of freedom and you can, in theory, work your way out of this. But let's be real here, who often ends up working these jobs? People from rough backgrounds/those who are desperate and can't find anything else. You have zero bargaining power in this line of work and the general public thinks you're a lesser being for working a job like this. The company treats you like dirt and acts like nothing you do is ever enough. And the scheduling literally makes it so difficult to decompress from a shift and think about/do other things with your life. I feel like the whole point of it is to keep you trapped/stop you from thinking you can actually work your way out of it. And keep you too tired to even want to try. I mean... it would actually be easier for them to give everyone a set schedule and it would reduce the overturn by quite a bit if they made things even a little bit easier for us. I think they need to convince people that they are trapped and can't bring themselves to find something else so that they can continue to give shit pay and horrible working conditions. Look into the phenomenon of "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness." It's literally a tactic used by ab*sers.

My advice is to try and fight through it and do whatever you can to find something else. Learn some tricks to improve your resume and interviewing skills. Learn how to market yourself. Talk to people who work in the hiring process or who just happen to know some things about it (I found out that I actually have a lot more skills than I thought I did). Try to get any amount of education that you can and seriously look back on everything you've done in your life to see how it applies to a job you're applying to. I was surprised to find that my experience working in a lab in school, working with Excel, and writing lab reports was desirable to an office job I was hired for (part-time on campus). Someone mentioned that my minor in mathematics probably helped make me more desirable as well. I also got hired for a theater job and the person interviewing me was delighted to find out that I was in choir, orchestra, and theater all the way back in grade school. And even that performed on stage multiple times for many years. That was so many years ago! And... neither of these jobs has anything to do with anything I've studied in college.

Just get out! It doesn't get better!

Not that I want to talk about it too much or anything, but now that I'm actually leaving retail for real (because I finally secured something else and can afford to leave), I'm kind of thinking a lot about how shitty this job actually is. And how I sort of just got used to it after a while.

I mean, first, there's the obvious of retail being a hella toxic environment. You're constantly facing the public, and have zero ways of standing up for yourself and avoiding it. Companies also push for you to reach extreme goals and push for workers to be super competitive over the metrics. All this micromanaging, as well as the bs from the customers, can easily cause co-workers to become burnt out and bitter. Leading to toxic work relationships as well.

Secondly, it's so much physical labor. And my job in particular also requires a high level of social intelligence. I mean, you have to actually SELL things to customers, on top of balancing a thousand different tasks (and completing them within a certain time frame while also putting out other people's fires). I mean, seriously. It's difficult to draw the energy to have a whole-ass sales pitch, individualized to the customer you're speaking to when you've been rushing to complete three projects.

It's also the scheduling. You can never have the same schedule every week. And the shifts are always all over the place. One week, you might have six four-hour shifts, the next week, you have an eight-hour shift where you work till nine at night, and then have another eight-hour shift the next day requiring you to come in at five or six in the morning. Maybe you worked nothing but evening shifts for the past three months. Now you're suddenly being scheduled morning shifts after you've gotten used to going to bed at four a.m. because you hate waiting to go to your job during the day. Maybe you're scheduled two 35-40 hour weeks because it's a very busy sales period and there is A LOT OF WORK TO DO. Then you're scheduled for nothing but 8 to 16-hour weeks and there's nothing to do/you have no money. You're scheduled for every weekend and holiday. You can no longer feel excited about those while everyone else is having a blast. In fact, you forgot that going to the store is something that people sometimes do for fun. If you ask to limit your hours and have certain times/days off, you'll get heckled for it. Sometimes, you're asked to cover shifts and people get annoyed if you decline. You're asked to find someone to cover your shift if you can't make it in. People get mad at you for being sick or for just wanting to use vacation days.

The pay. The pay is shit. All this for the lowest pay they think they can get away with giving people.

It is... exhausting! Even a simple four-hour shift leaves me feeling like I can't decompress. I have to take things to help me relax after work and to help me tolerate it the next day. Even then, I can't truly get myself to focus on my hobbies or anything. It's also made going to school difficult. It's so hard to think after being worked like that. Or to have the energy to stay on top of things. Also, I've gained weight since working this job. I was... 125 lbs when I started. I got all the way up to 165 lbs in three years and struggled to get down to 157 lbs these past few months. I feel like my stomach can't even digest a lot of food these days. Like, if I eat too much dairy or fruit or something, it feels like it just sits in my stomach for a long ass time until I get cramps and feel bloated. I never used to be like this. I also feel like I have more inflammation in general. And God forbid you have issues happening in your personal life. It makes all of this so much worse! Back when I was in a toxic relationship, I straight up wondered if I was developing b*polar/sch*zophrenia, d*mentia, or c*ncer. The stress was affecting me both physically and mentally THAT MUCH.

I spent three weeks away from my job a few months ago. I actually started feeling like I had some energy. I started feeling human again. It was pretty telling. Before then, I thought I'd finally gotten used to working that job and that maybe it wasn't so bad. Then I came back and was like, "Holy, fuck! This place is shit!" I started putting in job apps like my life depended on it for ANYTHING that wasn't retail or food service. ANYTHING. Even if I was underqualified.

And that's that. I will never do a low-paid customer service job again. If things ever get rough in the job market and I don't have a choice but to return to shitty work... I will literally do the actual SHITTY work of scrubbing toilets before I return to retail. I'm DONE.

[jennsmischievousmind]

EXSOMNIS

CHAPTER 4 - Two birds, no stone

Exsomnis: Wakeful, vigilant

Summary: Fresh Doctor out of residency you didn’t expect Conyers to be this uneventful until everything happened at the same time. From the outset, an odd meeting with what seems like a steadfast Detective but it was only the beginning.

Notes: English is not my native language, I’m trying to get better at it, please be indulgent.

Based on the movie Prisoners by Denis Villeneuve (so I don’t own any of the OG characters) if you haven’t seen it, I recommend you do (maybe before reading) :) The story takes place before and through the event in the movie.

 Thanksgiving was around the corner, meaning you were short on staff at the hospital leaving you no time to spend at home. Erin and Rachel were at Rach’s parents, they had tried to convince you to come but family dinners were not your thing, even more with a family you practically don’t know.  

2 days before Thanksgiving you crossed paths with Detective Loki. Since last time you didn't really have time to meet, so you took a few minutes around a coffee to catch up. He noted that you were alone on Thanksgiving’s night so managed to invite you for dinner. 

 “Dr Y/L/N, I’m sorry but we need you to stay on shift tonight, we’re shorthanded.” The HR announced as you were taking your break. You cursed under your breath, the HR gave you an apologetic smile. Phone in hand, waiting for Loki to pick-up you hoped he was busy too, it would make it easier.

“Hey,” he answered, you heard rustling papers, he was surely at work, you huffed alleviate.

“Hi, uhm, I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it tonight. Got to stay at the hospital. Understaffed.” You announced at once, ripping off the bandage as fast as possible. He could understand, it’s kind of the same at the station. He inhaled on the other side of the phone.

“Duty is duty, don’t worry.”

“Come out next year, and we'll do it all over again ok?” you heard him chuckle

“Let’s do that but not next year.” He offered hopefull.

“Agreed, see you soon then.” You bid goodbyes wishing each other a happy Thanksgiving.

 Little did you know after your call he asked to stay on shit for the night.

  A few hours later, you were finally free from the Hospital but you frowned as soon as you put a foot outside. By the time you reached your car you were soaked, the heavy rain whipped your windshield, making driving difficult indeed it took you twice the time to head home. It was 2 am on your kitchen clock, you wondered if Loki was still up, you texted him not expecting an immediate answer so went to bed immediately.

You woke up around 9am, dragging your overly tired self to the coffee machine, checking your phone while the hot liquid filled the big cup. Rach and Erin had ranted about how Thanksgiving at Rach’s parents went horribly awkward. Erin had even sent a ‘rescue me’ video from Rach’s parents’ toilet in the group chat, you couldn’t help yourself to smile and blessed yourself for not going.

No answer from Loki, you felt this inescapable pang in your stomach when you find yourself led, in the blink of an eye, to question your own emotional life.

Then your phone buzzed.

“Busy, talk to you soon, sorry. Loki” you stayed silent reading the text multiple times, somehow relieved that he had answered but not quite sure of how to render the text. Trying to find something to say, you finally decided for an “Ok sure.”

You drink your coffee lost in your thoughts, heading to the living room. The news on TV blurting the Thanksgiving usual hazards: Snowy roads; traffic jams; accidents; lost items in turkeys...

“Yesterday in the usually quiet town of Conyers, Thanksgiving turned into a horrid day for two families. Two little girls disappeared in broad daylight. Soon one suspect was in custody, he was apparently driving an RV that was parked in the girls’ neighbourhood early in the day. He tried to run away with his vehicle when found at a gas station parking late last night. The two girls are still missing as we speak.”

“Damn it.” you shook your head sighing, what is wrong with people you thought while listening to the news and at the same time checking your sns.

“Detective Loki from the Conyers Department of Police has been appointed to the case.”

Raising your head from your phone, mouth agape at the TV, you rewind all the pieces of information in your mind. If you had known sooner you would have said something else in the text. Long minutes passed, during which you wondered if you should send him another message. The blinking cursor in the box "new message" seemed to became impatient until the buzz of a call made you jump. 

“Y/N, have you heard about ...!? A honk made you put the phone away from your ears. Only two words “Loki”, “abduction” were audible.

“Hello to you too, yes I’ve just heard, that’s awful!”

“Yeah, hi, definitely not good timing for you though!”

“Erin!” you scolded and heard Rachel do the same. 

“Okay okay, just trying to lighten the mood.” she apologized.

“Where are you by the way?” you turned the TV off.

“Traffic jams.” She sighed, another honk resonated in the phone, you heard Rachel swear at another driver.

“Tell me when you’re home. And ... we should stop the night’s run for now just in case.”

“I wish we had to stop for another reason.”

“Yeah, call me okay.”

“Yeah bye.”

Instead of the usual run, you met with the girls for board games, usually, it involved a bottle of wine and Rachel’s exquisite cuisine. 

“Okay, hear me out” she put her glass on the ground, you rolled your eyes. All night she had asked about Loki.

“What about your needs Y/N? I feel like you're waiting for him to finally give you some time of his, as you're not a priority.”

“I'm not a priority right now Erin.” You sipped on your wine. 

“You know what I mean. I am just afraid that you're making his needs overpass yours without taking care of how you feel in all of that.” Her hands making big gestures, you grabbed them.

“We’re not even a couple or something, calm down! you smiled, I'm not blinded by the guy, I know what I worth, what I deserve. And my needs, for now, are fine thank you.” You stifled a laugh at her frowning face. 

“I shouldn’t have pushed for something to happen between you two.” she said questioning her cupid skills

“Ok, you released her hands and continued, look at me back in Cleveland, the exams took over me, the internship at the hospital was a disaster and how many times did you present me a guy?” 

“Lots of times…” she mumbled

“Yeah, and you want to know why it never worked out?”

“They were assholes.” She grimaced

“Hm mostly yeah, but I wasn't ready to be in a relationship! My mind was elsewhere, I had no time to take care of my physical and mental health as much as I should have. It was a hard time, you witnessed it.”

She nodded admitted it.

“I’m fine now but I can't crash into his life like that and take his focus out of this case especially because I know it won’t work out since he is concentrating on his duty.” 

“I got it okay, but there will always be another case and did he text you or something …”

“I know but I like to think we'll have a moment of respite. And he’s not quite the texter but that’s fine by me, you know I’m not a good morning and good night's texts kind of person.”

She stared at you squinting her eyes, you mimicked her wondering.

“You really want the guy!” she caught you so off guard that you almost spit your wine.

“Miss the point by miles, you cough, but yeah let's say that.” You both cracked into laughter. She was still a bit concerned, but she got around in the end.

40hours after the abduction, no sign of Loki except on the news, thankfully you had lots of work at the hospital so you didn't have time to let your mind wander.

When you heard the indictment of the paedophile priest, you almost threw a tantrum in the break room.

“How the fuck that asshole is still in charge of a church, he is surrounded by children all the fucking day!” you screamed at the tv, scaring the surgeon next to you, some students looked at you from the lunch table. The ringtone coming from your pocket made you walk out and step outside on the emergency staircase allowing you to take some fresh air.

“Hi there..,”

“Hey, I'm sorry I didn't call sooner”

“No no, it's okay I've seen the news. I know you have a lot to do ... and the freaking priest ... I mean why is that guy still out there.”

“I don't know Y/N, I'm not a judge.” He answered with a tight voice.

“Right sorry, I jumped on you, it's just that..it's really upsetting.” you sighed rubbing your eyes.

A 2-seconds silence felt, giving you both opportunity to breathe in and change the subject.

“Are you all right?” You asked

“Tired mostly, he inhaled, I wish .. I could see you without feeling guilty .. but my mind is on the case..” 

“Hey hey, you shushed gently, it's okay, they are the priority here.”

“Why didn't we met at another time.” He said gravely.

“At least we've met, even though you had to be stabbed for it to happen.” He chuckled over the phone. “I have to go back, be careful out there.”

“You got my word.”

He hung up, you took a big breath of fresh air before stepping back in the building, thinking of what he said. What would have happened if you had met at another time?

Erin bumped into you. 

“The community is organizing a vigil in front of the Birch’s house tomorrow night, she handed you a flyer, you’re coming?”

“Yeah, I’ll drop by your place so we can go together.” she nodded and you sighed looking at the face of the two little girls on the handout.

Chapter 5: Respect all, trust few soon