#i'm the one overthinking and overanalyzing everything and breaking my own heart

[waking-hell]

honestly I feel like I got to a point where my mental health won't let me fit in any type of human connection ever again

[itsnotzka]

Author's note: So, here's the deal. I've committed another rather fluffy one-shot.

This was (kind of?) requested by amazing and awesome @julesisreading (and thank you for your little help, Jules! :))

Jake x MC // no warnings // one teeny-tiny spoiler (ep.10)

Words: 2,6k

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- L I G H T H E A D E D -

"I'm not so sure about this," Jake mumbled, keeping a close eye on the woman in front of him as his eyes slowly moved down to that seemingly insignificant thing in her hand. With doubt and great uncertainty, he shifted from foot to foot, trying not to show her that it was stressing him out more than it should. She was standing close to him, much closer than the limits of his personal space would allow, yet he didn't dare to move away.

Because, if he liked it or not, he didn't really want to move away.

It was their second meeting. The first one went well, although Jake knew he had chickened out many times. Too many.

He never touched her. He didn't ask what he wanted to ask. He couldn't look into her eyes as long as he should have.

But, for some strange reason entirely unknown to him, she didn't mind it at all. Her kind eyes were full of patience. Constantly.

"I'll be gentle," she chuckled, a soft smile that appeared on her face made him swallow hard as a shiver went down his spine, "You haven't done this in a long time, have you? For a little too long, I'd say..."

Her head tilted, she raised her hand a little, but before she reached his dark hair, she stopped, a little embarrassed. She saw him flinch.

He didn't want to flinch like that, it was just a reflex. Inwardly, he scorned himself for it. He noticed how she flustered. How she took her hand back, abashed a little.

But she knew him.

She already knew Jake's perceptive eyes, as they were carefully watching every single one of her movements. She saw him analyzing everything, his face flickering with emotion he didn't want to show anybody.

The truth was, after so long, he missed the human touch. The problem was, he was used to being alone. He preferred being alone. He took pleasure in solitude. He liked it to such an extent that any public place, any meeting with a stranger, even a mere thought of it gave him a very unpleasant feeling of anxiety.

But a little while ago, all of a sudden, she appeared in his life. And suddenly, breaking his own rules, his own boundaries for her seemed easy.

'Easy' was not the right word for that. It seemed... possible.

"That's true, I haven't. It's been quite a while," Jake replied, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, "Sometimes... sometimes you need another person to get it right. And when someone lives a life like mine, you don't really have time or inclination for such... mundane activities. My mind is usually occupied with something different entirely."

She burst out laughing but immediately regretted it, covering her mouth with her hand. She realized the hacker said it in all seriousness. Thankfully, he didn't seem offended. He smiled slightly, a faint blush on his pale cheeks.

"I can imagine that. But do you trust me?" she asked. A tiny, warm spark appeared in Jake's heart.

A dangerous spark that he didn't really like.

No. He liked it. He was just scared of it.

Of course he trusted her. He trusted her like no one else before. From the very start he felt like he had known her forever. He trusted her completely. Absolutely. Without a single doubt. Only her. Almost like a madman.

He'd been called 'mad' many times in the past, but this was the first time he actually believed it. He almost chuckled thinking about that but stopped himself just in time.

He knew he had tendencies to exaggerate, to overthink, to overanalyze absolutely everything that was going on around him. Yet it seemed that this as well didn't bother her at all. Very unexpectedly, he felt like she had just... accepted him. All of him. Every single good and bad thing about him.

"I trust you. You know I do," Jake finally managed to answer, while she didn't take her eyes off him even for a split second, "But I don't know if that has anything to do with trust. Have you... ever done this before?"

She smiled innocently, the dim lights of his apartment bringing out the beauty in her, emphasizing those little dimples in her rosy cheeks.

"I have," she answered bluntly, "It's not that hard. But if you don't want me to... that's okay. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. You just mentioned the last time it was bothering you, so... "

That was the first time she took her eyes off him. She lowered her head a little angry at herself, because she knew she shouldn't push him that hard. The fact that they were standing so close to each other was enough for her. But something kept drawing them together and she didn't know how to make it easier for him.

"It's not like that," Jake answered quietly, his hand moved on his own, his fingers stopped just before he touched her upper arm, "I want you to. I would like to try it... with you."

This time he smiled on purpose. When his hand touched her skin, he shivered, but it wasn't unpleasant at all. On the contrary! It was as if her warmth had flowed through him, as if for that brief moment her body heat had merged with his.

"You really would?" she asked, her eyes, once again, fixed on him.

He didn't answer, not at first, anyway, getting lost in her eyes. Warm, kind eyes, hiding secrets that he undeniably wanted to be a part of. The eyes that he wanted to share all of his secrets with.

She saw his hesitation. She could see his absent-minded expression as he pondered the situation deeply. She certainly didn't want to put him in an awkward position... as much as she loved to challenge him. But she could barely keep herself from throwing her arms around his shoulders since their eyes had met for the first time that evening.

Yet, she managed not to do it. She knew what Jake was like. She realized a long time ago that this man in front of her didn't know how to get close to people. She only didn't know if it was fear or just his... morbid caution. But she knew that the hacker was slowly breaking all through everything restraining him... for her.

She could see how he analyzed every single world that had been said between them since the very beginning of this meeting. How he fought himself and his thoughts, his doubts.

His doubts?

As he sat on that chair in front of her, as she brushed his shoulders with her fingers... he knew he didn't have any doubts about her. He wanted her close. He wanted her, but... he didn't know how to achieve that. He didn't know how to...just be with someone. Not anymore. His past had changed him.

He held his breath as she stood right behind him. He tried his best to relax, but it was hard. Harder than it should be. He didn't like not being in control, he had to be able to see everything, and with her standing behind him... all his inner sensors were telling him: Watch out! Run! Protect yourself!

Everything changed as she slowly, carefully dug her fingers into his hair. His black hair that he hadn't cut in... months. Just like that his muscles let go. He closed his eyes and shut them tight. He clenched his jaw... he had to. Otherwise he would have given himself away.

Otherwise he would have sighed so loudly, desperately, hungry for her touch, he would turn around and pull her to him so quickly, he was afraid he'd startle her.

That small, innocent touch made him regret absolutely everything he'd done before. Or rather everything he hadn't done. That he didn't take her in his arms as soon as she came here. That he hadn't held her so tight that they both lost their breath. That he hadn't told her how beautiful she was. That he hadn't kissed her right away.

Then he almost laughed.

As if he actually dared to do that.

Damn it – Jake thought, holding back an annoyed growl - He already told her he loved her, for crying out loud! And she even answered him the same! So why was it all so hard in person?!

The hacker didn't know the answer to that.

She knew.

She knew what she could do and say around him. She knew what was making him shut down and what was making him talk. Open up. As her fingers ran through his slightly unkempt hair, she smiled. She heard him sigh quietly, his shoulders dropping as he surrendered to her touch.

"You have nice hair. So soft," Jake was barely able to hear her voice, still relying on her fingers roaming his hair, massaging the skin on his head, "I feel a little guilty I'm going to cut those guys. "

"That's—that's not the kind of thing you want to h-hear from a barber, do you?" the hacker said timidly, ending with a nervous chuckle.

"Oh? Even from your own, private barber?" Jake nearly jumped in his seat as he heard her voice very close to his ear.

"Ev—even from..." he stuttered, feeling a sudden disappointment when she moved her hands away, "I don't know. I've n-never— I... I wouldn't--"

Great...

He sounded like he had forgotten how to speak.

When they were texting each other, he never had such problems. He could always think over every word. Not exactly, but... it was definitely better than that!

He held his breath as she laughed out loud. The sound made him smile too, though. He didn't even realize it, but he was laughing with her almost immediately.

Well, he was laughing at himself. He was laughing out of build-up frustration. He was laughing with happiness. He was laughing because - damn it - she was there and she wanted to be there. With him.

She suddenly appeared in front of him, leaned forward, placed her hands on the armrests of his chair and looked him straight in the eye. Then, after a couple of long seconds, during which his mouth went all dry, she murmured, "So, are you ready, Jake?" she asked with a spark in her eyes, showing him the scissors in her hands again, "Are you willing to put yourself in my very capable hands?"

He knew she was testing him. Even when they chatted online, she liked to say things that left him speechless. Things that made his pale cheeks blush a little.

A little? Things that made him blush hard.

Thank god for those dim lights – he thought, although he was sure she'd noticed it.

He didn't like losing. This time he couldn't just log out. If it were a chat, he'd find some sorry excuse and he'd be gone. Like always.

"I am," the hacker replied with such confidence that he surprised even himself, so he decided to continue. To play her little game... as well as he could, "I am all yours."

She smiled with contentment. She was glad that he wasn't as closed off as he seemed before. She knew they were both exploring new territory and he was doing great.

She brushed her hand over his shoulder and stood behind him again. Her fingers dug into his hair once more, to his satisfaction. Before she cut the first strand, Jake stopped her. Then slowly, looking at her, he took off his black hoodie, folding it carefully and placing it on the table nearby.

He was just in his black T-shirt now.

She watched him with curiosity, because she knew very well that Jake's every move, every small gesture meant something more.

"Just don't cut it too short, eh?" he said, sitting back in his chair, looking up at her, brushing a strand of hair that had fallen over his face.

Jake felt her warm expression right in his chest, "You can always say 'stop', okay? If I go too far..."

He nodded eagerly, the corners of his mouth twitching lightly by themselves, and he didn't even feel himself smiling again.

He just wanted to feel her touch once more.

As individual strands of Jake's black hair began to fall to the ground, he felt lighter. It was as if with each subsequent cut, the weight he had on his shoulders simply disappeared... he simply felt closer to her.

He was closer to her.

With every move she made, he allowed himself to overthrow another rule. Another thing that kept him away from her. His hands gradually touched her waist as she faced him. He slowly moved them to her back as she shifted slightly closer, leaning in.

But she continued. She didn't lose her head. Little by little, she trimmed every unruly strand of his hair that he forgot to pay attention to for a long time.

Jake suddenly realized that it surprised him how oddly intimate this moment was for the two of them. Much more intimate than... anything he'd ever experienced before. The smell of her warm skin, or the feeling of her hands lightly brushing his neck, her breath in his face.

He got lost in it and he wasn't even sure if he wanted to go back. He gently wrapped his arms around her waist - so tenderly, you'd think they'd known each other their entire lives. He looked into her eyes, seeing not only her, but something else, something more, something unspoken, yet strangely obvious.

In fact, before her scissors made their last move, he held her in his arms, feeling under his fingers, for a change, not his computer keyboard, but the softness and warmth of her body. All the tension, all the awkwardness, all the fear - everything slowly disappeared. At that moment he finally found someone who accepted him for who he was. Just like that.

He closed his eyes, letting his mind and thoughts fly away, shut down for a short while that felt like an eternity. Still holding the scissors in her hands, she wrapped her arms around him. He could practically feel her heartbeat against his skin, and he was pretty sure she could feel his pounding heart as well.

He didn't care.

At that moment, everything he had feared, everything he wished he had done sooner, ceased to matter.

He broke all the rules for her that day. All of his restraints. All the walls he had carefully built around himself... they all simply came down. They didn't even make a single sound as they disappeared.

He allowed himself to snuggle into her neck when he felt she didn't mind. She chuckled, cuddling him, trying to hide her surprise.. They both realized that they were completely unnecessarily afraid of this closeness... because it seemed so natural to them, as if they were simply made for each other.

Like two pieces of a puzzle.

"Scratchy," she giggled nervously, feeling his face on her neck. His light, calm smile reassured her that everything was fine, "Maybe I should take care of your stubble as well."

"Tempting," Jake muttered, lightheaded suddenly, "I think like this idea."

"You do?"

"I do," he replied as she looked down, their lips so close, they were almost touching, "As I said to you before... I'm all yours."

He had never been so sure of anything in his life, as of those words back then.

She chuckled. Her cheerful voice turned into a sigh, as they finally closed that remaining distance between them.

[sanjarka]

What do you think about Hijacked Peeta storyline in Mockingjay?

Is it narrative-ly satisfied for Peeta's arc?

Thank you,

@curiouspeetamellark

i already written about this in a previous post of mine, but it's pretty long so I'm just gonna copy the parts about peeta's hijacking here:

/@curiouspeetamellark i tried my best to only keep the most important parts. i just have a lot of feelings and don't know what do with them/

the tragedy of peeta's hijacking and how he was unconsciously preparing himself for it.

i am not implying that it was his fault or responsibility, and i don't believe it was necessary, nothing was. however, there is a reason why certain narratives include certain people.

and when we look back at the story, we can see how it was almost predictable. that it was foreshadowed, not only by the conversation on the roof in the first book, where he tells us that he wants to prove that the capitol doesn't own him, but also by who he is as a person. then we can see how his hijacked and true selves are entangled with one other.

although he appears to be more emotionally mature than katniss he is still just a child. he still traumatized, insecure, stubborn, lonely, prideful and scared. he is also trying to survive. it just looks different. his emotional maturity wasn't created from a good and safe place. he grew up with an abusive mother, a father who repeatedly betrayed him by failing to protect him, distant brothers, and as a result of that he feels insignificant and unneeded.

much as katniss survived by numbing herself out, in the years after her father's death, by letting her feelings happen outside of her, i feel as though peeta did the exact opposite. that he grew fixated on attempting to comprehend everything and everyone. that he became obsessed with overthinking and overanalyzing his thoughts rather than feeling them. his drawings and paintings are an escape form and that's his ways of surviving.

it feels like there is this sense of loneliness that follows him, is stuck to him, and that affects the type of relationships he builds with other people - distant ones.

while katniss's walls are so obvious, peeta's are unexpected and hidden. peeta goes through life hiding from others whilst katniss hides from herself.

it takes actual hard effort for him to let people and in many ways i think that katniss is the first one with that privilege. that she is his exception. and that it wasn't instant. that it did happen slowly.

so when i think of him, i don't picture a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and is naturally open. we can see how good of an actor and liar he is. him being open is him making conscious decision to do so and not something he can't control.

other people see his love for katniss, not because he doesn't know how to hide it, but because he wants them to see it - it's the only time honesty was beneficial for him.

/we rarely see him being comforted by katniss and being the "weak" one. and it has nothing to do with her. he's the one who isn't prepared for it. he is apprehensive about being looked after. katniss may be challenging in this area too, although not as much as peeta. because her home was once a happy and safe place and being with peeta reminds her of those times while peeta is experiencing feeling safe for the first time. that's terrifying. he must be strong and and he must be capable, must be perfect, before he can even consider himself worthy of love. so it will take a long time for peeta to break that, to allow himself to show sides of him that are fragile,messy and ugly/

the loudest flaw of his is exactly this tendency to hide from others which results in bottling things up and letting them fester inside of him, particularly anger. we almost never see peeta lose control of his emotions and considering the situation that he is in, i don't think it's a positive trait really.

he never learned how to express anger in a healthy manner because, after all, it's supposed to be terrible, right? however, anger should not be associated with hurting or lashing out at people. the way to deal with anger is to let yourself feel it. not to repress it. but how can i expect peeta to be any different when the first attribute he would give to his mother would be anger? and the one thing he wants to prove to himself is that he isn't like her.

his hijacking is a tragedy, not only because he dreads becoming a piece in their games as a form of defiance, but also because it creates a complete lack of self control in a character who prides himself on it - the one thing he's certain is entirely his.

take an abused boy and abuse him some more, then take away his agency, rendering him powerless over emotions that aren't even his, while giving an outlet to those that are, that had been waiting for a moment like this one. take that anger, that he is so deathly afraid of, and make it his primary way of communicating. make him hurt the one person he trusted the most, felt safest with and then blame her for everything. make his hurting her fault and her responsibility.

and clearly, we know that the only real culprits of this crime are snow and the capitol and no one else but them, but hijacking works with the already existing insecurities and fears of its victim. it feeds off of its host. and considering that, it couldn't have found a better one.

-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-

the tragedy was the point. to have both katniss and peeta experience their worst case scenario (outside of loosing each other). this was just my way of explaining why i think peeta loosing self control is equivalent to katniss loosing prim. was it absolutely needed and did the story absolutely had to go this way? not really but isn't that the point too.