#i've had horrific writers block for a year now

[acommonanomaly]

I'm still getting lovely comments on my Spock/Kirk stories years later and it's really making me miss that fandom. It was my first and will always have a special place in my heart!

[miraclesabound]

Accessory to Murder

Summary: Reader has hit a creative wall, and not even Morpheus's love for her can help. Maybe it's time to go to the actual source.

Pairings/Characters: Slight Calliope/F!Reader, background Morpheus/F!Reader

Notes: Reader isn't a professional writer, but her stories are still important to her. Set after Season 1 of "The Sandman". Even though she doesn't say it directly, Reader has a bit of a crush on Calliope. Also on A03.

Warnings: Within Reader's story - description of injuries, death and medical procedures, realization of murder. Main story - creative frustration, heavy self-doubt, especially painful writer's block, Morpheus accidentally making things worse, cathartic tears

Tags: @ineffablepspspscal @insomniamamma @blueeyesatnight @yayforawesome @whovianayesha @oonajaeadira @depressedswampwitch @heybluechild

When you see your beloved's ex-wife in your living room, all you can do is sigh.

"Morpheus shouldn't have called you, my lady." You love your Lord of Dreams - in some ways, he even TAUGHT you how to love. That said, he has a tendency to overreact when you're stressed, and you suspect that he's the reason that the Great Muse is currently making use of your couch.

"If I'm intruding, I'll go," Calliope says.

Your cheeks burn; you hadn't meant to insult her. "No, please feel free to stay - do you like tea?"

The beverage break seems to be just what you need - after you're done, you're more confident showing Calliope what's been troubling you. "I've got so many orphaned bits here," you tell her as you pull up your scratch document. Seeing your most recent one, you roll your eyes a bit. "This one's the perfect example."

John Glass was no relation to the county medical examiner, Dr. Angela Glass – they wouldn’t have let her do his autopsy if that were the case. She’d heard his name before – he was the pyrotechnician who designed amazing summer fireworks shows for the local baseball team. Unfortunately, his work had caught up with him, according to the police report she’d received. After a game the previous night, John hadn’t returned home – and when his daughter June went looking for him, she had found him dead behind the outfield with a horrific chest wound. He’d been right next to the launch site, and even if he could have called for help, no one would have noticed with all the noise and light and smoke. Angela’s heart twinged for the man laid out on her table. In her years as ME, she had seen her share of ironic deaths, but this one was especially brutal. She could only hope that the mortar that took his life had killed him instantly. Taking a chance to steady her breathing, she activated her recorder and started taking her notes. In the first hour, John’s results were straightforward. The chest wound was obvious, and Angela wasn’t surprised at all to find bits of shrapnel scattered throughout his body. However, at minute 74 of the autopsy, Angela noticed something odd about John’s heart. There was no debris in the muscle – at least not the large pieces that had cut through his limbs and stomach – so Angela didn’t understand why she was seeing cuts on the heart. Furthermore, the cuts in question weren’t jagged like you would expect – they looked almost surgical. So what had caused them? A horrible thought occurred to Angela, and she spoke it into the recorder before she lost her nerve. “The wounds on the heart are more consistent with a stabbing than an explosion. Cause of death may need to be revised to homicide.”

"See?" You gesture helplessly at your screen. "It's all nonsense! I don't even know the murderer or their motive, and everything online says you have to know that first. Plus which, I thought I was being clever with that "not quite family" bit, but now I think it's me being fake-deep."

You can tell you're building into a rant, but you're not sure you can stop yourself. "And every idea I've had lately feels this way!" you tell her. "I haven't been able to write a proper story in months!"

"If this is hurting you, why not try other art forms?" Calliope asks.

You sigh. "Because I did try," you say. "And I'm crap at all of them. Writing's all I've got - or at least it was..."

"Morpheus didn't say this, did he?" Calliope has seen the thawing of her ex-husband's heart, but she knows he can still be callous.

You shake your head. "No - and he even tried to help! He offered to let me find my story in the Library...but that felt like...artistic cheating I guess..." Tears start stinging the corners of your eyes. "What if...what if I can never write again?"

"....there's something else going on here." Calliope's voice makes it clear that she's making an assessment, not asking a question.

You nod, and the tears flow more freely. "I'm so scared, my lady! If I can't write, I have nothing to offer, and if I can't offer anything, then I'm going to be alone..."

The Muse does a double-take. "Wait, you think Morpheus would leave you?"

"Why wouldn't he?? He isn't just a man, he's a foundational power of the Universe! If I can't bring something to the table for our relationship, if I can't MAKE something, then...then...I'm...just another human..."

Calliope cups your face, making you look her in the eyes. "Don't speak that way. I see how he loves you."

"But is it enough?" you ask. "He loved you too once - you had a family together, you have a royal lineage, you inspired Homer - and he still left! What chance do I have!?" Calliope pulls you into a hug, and you break into full-throated sobs. For several minutes, you cry into the fabric of her tunic, and she holds you with the strength of ten thousand years in her arms.

When you're able to catch your breath, she strokes your hair, still letting you rest on her shoulder. "I can't control what Morpheus does," she tells you. "But there are two things you ought to know."

"Oh?"

"Morpheus didn't leave me - I left him. And he wasn't the one who called me here tonight - it was all you."

"What? But how?" you ask, looking up at her. "I made no altar, I possess no scroll."

"My dear girl, your fire for creation existed long before you met Morpheus...I have known you for many years." She smiles and your heart swells. "That passion is still there, and it's what called to me - I wouldn't be here if you didn't have some spark left."

"Then...what do I do now?"

"You make your request of me," she tells you, stroking your cheek. "How formal you wish to be is up to you."

You kneel on the ground before her - if your eyes don't deceive you, her beauty becomes even more dazzling. When you speak, you don't know where the words come from.

"O Gracious One, O Chieftaness of Song, hear the one with aching heart and stopped tongue, and grant relief however you see fit, by inspiration or by other ways."

Calliope offers her hands, and you kiss the knuckles with appropriate reverence. She helps you to your feet, pulling you into another strong embrace. "Don't hesitate to call more purposely if you need me, my dear."

"I won't," you promise.

After she leaves, you feel no sudden burst of desire to write - but you do feel calmer. Perhaps, you think to yourself, Calliope is not only the Muse of Wordcraft, but the Muse of Catharsis.

[circlejourney]

On the subject of Revolving Door's WW2 chapters (Ace / Low-Pressure Thunderstorm / Supercell) and historical accuracy

(And more specifically about my tag comments on my previous reblog.)

I've been on several military bases before, both currently in use and historic. I've frequently interacted with colonial British WW2-era cannons and bunkers just sitting on the beach/in the park in my teenhood. (Comes with the territory of being from one of the most militarised nations in the world per capita.)

Generally, I feel like that would allow me to make a good intuitive guess about what the layout/floorplan of a British barracks in Europe would look like.

Even then, because I had readers who had literally served in the army and/or studied warfare as a special interest, I spent a combined 2 years fretting about the research for the chapters listed in the title.

Now the context to this is that Revolving Door features an alternate history, in which World War 2 progresses along a rather different trajectory than in our world. Planning this out involved...inventing military operations and strategic manoeuvres, putting military groups where they decidedly were not, and entirely changing the shape of the Western Front towards the end of the war. And a lot of my worrying/research was on themes such as:

What would the floorplan of a barracks in Dunkirk look like?

Did Bletchley Park have a fire alarm?

Did the phrase "OK" exist in the English language at the time?

In what way can electric damage most efficiently put a Panzer III out of commission?

What model/sub-type of military aircraft would have flown the troop from England to Hungary?

What would the interior of a 1940s British commanding officer's home look like?

Which battles of World War 2 would it make sense for the British army to drop special ops troops into?

Will these very specific, targeted strategic manoeuvres really result in the war ending earlier?

Now, I think when I revisit the story, I feel a little more charitable about potentially fudging the facts. War is a complex, messy thing, and produces some of the most horrific and also the most extraordinary stories in human history. To try and derive a moral from the entire happening, or even a unifying thematic thread to it all, is to misunderstand war at its core.

And who's to say that my version of the above things couldn't happen, in an alternate history where a person who can volitionally generate and store electricity exists?

As long as I know what my story is about, and it's not flying directly in the face of crucial truths that would be disrespectful to change, then why can't I just make some shit up?

I've done some excessive things for the sake of accuracy, from going on Google Maps walks along the routes that my characters would take, to taking day-long museum trips, to theoretically booking air tickets, to literally visiting the cities that the stories are set in/inspired by (I've done this with four different locales in RD so far). I've made paper models of my characters' vessels, read academic papers, and interviewed specialists.

But I need to remind myself not everything is an academic document. It's my habit to fact-check everything, but at some point, the fact-checking blocks the creative process. I'm a writer, not an historian (not really).

[radiantlyrey]

Thinkin' 'Bout NaNoWriMo

It's getting to be that time of year again--that time when writers everywhere sit down and ask themselves important questions. Questions like, "Am I doing NaNoWriMo this year?" and "If I am doing NaNo, what am I even gonna write?"

I am planning to do an abridged NaNo this year--probably not more than 20k words for the whole month. (Part of me always wants to shoot for 50k, but the rest of me knows me better than that, and knows that down that path lies horrific burnout, so.) I am having trouble choosing which story I want to work on.

Which brings me to you, Tumblr.

Here are my current story ideas for NaNoWriMo. There are five of them, and I've listed a little summary for almost all of them, along with some personal pros and cons.

Idea #1: Fantasy Titanic This idea came to me in a dream two years ago (no, really). The basic gist is thus: What if Titanic (1997), but instead of a love story, it's a heist story, and also there are elves and magic and shit? The summary:

The grandest cruise ship of the century is setting off on its maiden voyage. Passengers include young Neela, who is crossing the ocean to meet her fiance before their wedding, and Alice, a sorceress and unwilling conwoman/thief whose mother has chosen Neela as their next mark. The con is nearly done when disaster strikes--the ship hits an iceberg and begins to sink. In the chaos that ensues, Alice must make hard choices, not least of which is who she wants to be if she survives.

Pros and Cons: +I already have the first half of the story plotted out. +I already have extensive profiles of my two main characters written.

-I have to do a lot more research on the actual ship and the disaster. -I feel like some of the plot I do have needs to be reworked.

Idea #2: Beauty and the Beast Retelling This story is a rewrite of a story I wrote about 15 years ago in my online writing group. I've been wanting to retackle it for a while now, and I spent some time this past spring making plans for it. I don't have a formal summary for it yet, but.

The story follows the basic shape of the original fairy tale, but with some modernization and fantasy twists. The story is set in the US, and it's set in a world where magic has been gone from the western world for well over a century. Other than that, things are more or less the same: Penniless father of three daughters gets lost on the way home from a trip, ends up at a mysterious and obviously magical mansion. He accidentally offends his host, a monstrous Beast, who demands the father give up one of his daughters to the Beast, or else return himself. The eldest daughter (rather than the youngest) agrees to go in her father's place.

Pros and Cons: +I have almost three-fourths of the story plotted out. +I am eager to revisit this idea and improve on my first attempt.

-I may need to do some more worldbuilding before drafting can begin. -I’m not sure if I have a good grip on my main character yet.

Idea #3: TRON/Pacific Rim Crossover I have had this idea for about five years now, and it's a basic "what if I mashed these two universes together?" style crossover. My concept is a series of fics that follow TRON character Quorra's point of view of the Kaiju War, and her journey towards eventually becoming a Jaeger pilot with Sam Flynn (another TRON character). I've got about five or six of the stories already plotted out, though I don't have much more of a summary.

Pros and Cons: +I know how the next few stories are meant to go. +I am feeling enthusiastic about the story as a whole, and am eager to continue work on it.

-I am kind of blocked on the second story, and have been for a while. -I’m still worried no one’s going to read this thin, so what's the point.

Idea #4: TRON '82 High Fantasy AU Not much to say about this one except that it's very new, but here's a summary:

Chesst styles himself the God-Emperor of the Seven Realms, and has outlawed worship of the old gods. Those who still cling to the ancient ways are consigned to the empire’s gladiatorial arenas, forced to fight to the death in dangerous games. Tron, a former knight-paladin of the realm of Enqor, has spent nearly a year in the arenas, fighting and surviving and keeping his faith alive. The gods have not forsaken him yet, and he knows they will not let Chesst’s blasphemy stand. When an amnesiac prisoner named Flynn arrives at Tron’s arena, Tron and his friend Ram are tasked with preparing him for the games. As Flynn recovers and trains, it becomes clear that he is much stronger than even Tron expected. He has access to a powerful magic that he cannot fully control, even with Tron mentoring him. As the start of the games approaches, Tron can only hope that Flynn’s true power can be concealed long enough for him to control it, and perhaps long enough for the three of them to escape.

Pros and Cons: +It’s a new idea, which means it could spark a lot of creativity. +I think it could be a fun idea to explore at length.

-I’d have to do a ton of worldbuilding to get ready to write it. -I also need to plot the whole thing (or at least part of it), with the original film as a guide.

Idea #5: The Face in the Mirror This is also a new idea and yet another TRON story. Concept came about a post on here about what might happen if one program's disc was put on another program's body. I've billed this one as a horror story; here's the summary:

Metz is having a little trouble with his memory. He remembers… horrible things, things that don’t make sense. He remembers derezzing, or at least, he thinks he does. His best friend and lover, Starr, says that it’s just a packet of bad code that will purge itself in time. She reassures him that he’s fine, and he wants to believe her, but… Sometimes, it’s like someone or something else is inside his body. And every time he sees his reflection, he’s startled by the face staring back at him…

Pros and Cons: +I know the basic shape of the story already. +The plot will probably fit my lower NaNoWriMo goal of 10-20k.

-I have no idea how to write a horror story. -I’m not sure I have enough enthusiasm for this idea right now.

I do not promise to abide by the results of this poll, but I'm interested to see what y'all think of my conundrum.

[devolawrites]

I originally posted this on Twitter, and tbh I'll probably get the worst cringe in a day and delete the thread and this as well but I need people who have commissioned fics from me or at least know my writing to know what the actual mcfuck has been going on with me lately.

Re: status of my fic comms right now.

It's not that I haven't been honest with people, I have been, but probably not as honest bc I haven't been too honest with myself either? I am working on them. They will be finished. I guarantee that. But... I have very high expectations for myself. Ones that are, most likely, unrealistic. I am genuinely running on fucking empty right now and have been for the better part of six months now. Not that I was much better beforehand but it's been the worst in the past 6 months.

I'm very open and honest about being physically ill with fibromyalgia and endometriosis. Chronic migraines. Asthma. Spinal issues and the like. I also have bipolar disorder, ADHD, OCD, C-PTSD and, while not diagnosed, am likely touched by the tism as well. As such, I take (or I should say am supposed to take) a lot of meds daily. I haven't been able to take them bc I've been getting violently ill immediately after taking them and no one can figure out why! I also work full time and have been attempting to finish my masters.

That, right there, is baseline 'what the fuck mary take some time to yourself' but, lol. lmao, even. Then my life fell apart in March. How so?

In the span of one week: someone I considered a family member passed away. I finally allowed myself to be open to someone about how I felt after two horribly abusive situations only to get the kindest, gentlest thing ever said to me while also being turned down INTENSELY. And then found out not even 10 minutes after said FAMILY-ZONED (not even friend zoned FAMILY ZONED do you know how weird it is to tell someone you have feelings for them only to get told 'oh i see you like a sister i've never had' and just wanna die) that your best friend died.

Via fucking Facebook message.

And then that week also be the one year anniversary of my Nana's death which I'm sure still was malpractice but we'll never know for sure and I'm still bitter about it. Needless to say, I spiraled. Very badly.

I was already stressed from paying for fixing my car and finding myself needing the extra money from comms more and more and piling on more work on myself bc lmao bills and making my back log even worse and now I felt horrifically alone and vulnerable and embarrassed. And, to be sure, I still did put work out. But I also struggled with a lot of comms that I genuinely had been excited to take on only to find myself just... unable to do them. For one reason or another. Writers block? Feeling like it wasn't meeting expectations?

I'd ask other writers for help. For suggestions. For feedback. For other angles to approach shit. And I got fantastic advice. And still, nothing budged. I literally had burnt myself out and was still trying to run on empty. On fucking fumes. And I still am. And, I'll be honest, it also did sorta sting when I'd finally get work posted and then I'd just... idk. Feel like it flopped. Either with the person who comm'd it or with people in general and that's bc of how Twitter's algorithm hates creators but it's hard to not internalize.

And it made wanting to write and wanting to work on things so much harder because it became less and less about wanting to do something I genuinely enjoy and wanting to smush yalls Barbies around and felt like an obligation with no reward. And that's not yalls fault, truly. But I internalize that shit really hard and take it as a 'you're not doing this right, no wonder people would prefer others write shit and not you, you can't keep up the schedule you made for yourself.' Which is why my timeline even changed in March.

I tried to make a more realistic turnaround time, with the same disclaimers. I even mentioned to people that they'd be on a WAITLIST. And I still feel like I'm not working fast enough. Not because of any pressure from those who have paid. But my own brain. And it sucks.

Because it's making me spiral and making it even worse and it's a snake eating its own tail because if I can just get out of this fucking cycle of doubting myself and feeling like it's not gonna be worth it, I can conquer this shit. I owe so many people so much and I just... I feel horrible. I know that I should refund like, most if not all of you at this point. I just haven't had the funds to be able to do that, tbfh. I only just was able to get caught up on bills these past 2-3 checks. And if you want a refund, please, tell me! I'll do it!

But I think once this batch I have currently listed on Trello is completed, I'm closing comms for a good fucking long while. And learning how to actually enjoy my writing again. Because right now, I don't. I don't enjoy sharing my work and getting no boosts. No comments. Kudos are nice, don't get me wrong, and I love every single kudos that I get, when I get them. But it's hard to not let the self doubt and self critique fester. And again, this is not any of yalls fault. It's my own. And I don't know how to fix it, tbh.

So, once these comms are up, it's gonna just. Stop. I'll probably work on my own stuff, but I didn't even do any of the ship week content that I wanted to do (wolchefant, wolcred, wolmeric OR wolstinien) because I didn't want to upset those who I owed work to.

So, that's the state of me as a fic writer right now. It's more theory than practice, at this point, and I'm just... I'm trying, I really am. I have so many drafts in my google docs right now and I hate everything I've written so much that I'm starting from scratch every time.

Which is why the Trello has, for the most part, stood still. I'm not blowing you guys off. I just genuinely have nothing to show. And I'm sorry.

[bubonickitten]

i'm so happy you got into tma!! i've always enjoyed seeing you write meta posts for dragon age, so seeing you write meta for tma is such a treat! thank you for your words! i hope you have a lovely day :)

Thanks!! it’s been awhile since I’ve written meta for anything, I forgot how much I liked it. Once I realized how emotionally invested I was getting in the characters, I should’ve known I’d end up having to make a dedicated TMA meta tag. 

And not to be dramatic of anything, but TMA really is a masterpiece of horror imo. I like horror, but it’s always a minefield because so much of horror really does (sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not) employ some really awful racist, ableist, etc. tropes, or rely on sexual violence or hate violence as a narrative device without making any critical commentary on those subjects. So sometimes there’s a horror story that has a neat premise, but then it’s so saturated with unnecessary and harmful tropes that I just end up feeling alienated and frustrated. 

Even a lot of supernatural horror falls back on Lovecraft, and a lot of people don’t realize how racist and xenophobic his works really are. admittedly, there are some cool, more recent transformative works that reappropriate Lovecraft into something new (e.g. some stuff in the New Weird genre), but sometimes people just grab the aesthetic without knowing its roots. And I get it, it’s a cool aesthetic, I love monsters and tentacles and things that slumber in the deep and the dark -- it just ends up being bad when people aren’t conscious of what Lovecraft was actually saying. which, I know, is how tropes work sometimes -- creators reuse tropes because they’re so salient in fiction, but sometimes the roots are really horrible and we just don’t know the history, and horror is a genre that is really susceptible to that. 

Getting off topic -- what I mean is, I really think Jonny Sims is a brilliant writer and this is one of my favorite horror stories I’ve come across. He’s a master at character development and foreshadowing. I’m on my third time listening through and there’s just so much detail that I didn’t notice on my first listen, so many thematic elements and parallels and keywords that he snuck in from the very first few episodes that become so important later. It starts out as having a horror anthology vibe, with really brilliant short stories embedded in a larger framework, but then you realize that every single one of those stories is connected to the larger metaplot. 

I joke about Jonathan Archivist Sims and his conspiracy corkboard thinking, but I’m really sitting here listening with my own conspiracy corkboard during each episode -- sometimes reading too far into things, sometimes not, but damn is it enjoyable to try to pick apart the web (so to speak). 

I think it’s incredible how well Jonny Sims manages to pull all those strings together. It’s partly because he had the whole plot mapped out before they even recorded episode one, but it’s impressive to me, because I always have trouble following through on a story -- I’m not good at being decisive or consistent with my writing, I’m always changing my mind and losing the threads of what I was originally trying to do, and honestly most of the time I don’t have an end in mind anyway, so I end up giving up on things too early. 

One of the other things I appreciate is just... how compassionate Jonny is when writing his characters. One of my biggest complaints about Dragon Age was always that I felt like certain characters weren’t written with real compassion and weren’t given a chance to grow and so much of their potential was wasted. Jonny Sims, otoh, puts his characters in some dark, painful situations, which can be heartwrenching and anxiety-inducing to listen to (especially when it’s characters I relate to), but he also allows them to grow and change throughout the story, and that adds to their complexity. Even the characters I hate, I can still wrap my head around their motives. Without giving away too many spoilers for anyone who hasn’t listened and wants to eventually, the Big Bad is repulsive in every way but his motives are so realistic and emblematic of real world horrors like imperialism, Machiavellianism, totalitarianism, and a willingness to abuse, manipulate, groom, and oppress others for self-profit. 

Jonny Sims manages to utilize common fears, horrors, and phobias to present some really clever and thoroughly unsettling short stories. Even the ones that explore a fear that I don’t personally have make my skin crawl -- he’s just that good at descriptive imagery and conveying psychological horror. And a lot of the episodes also have social commentary (which is a hallmark of good fantasy, sci-fi, and horror for me) -- sometimes it’s subtle, but then sometimes he comes out with these episodes that knock the wind out of you. Especially the most recent episodes. He comes right out of the gate sometimes with a treatise on war or institutional violence or xenophobia and it’s... well, it’s powerful. 

And, god, I could write forever about how this story deals with the question of what it means to be human in the most horrific of circumstances -- what choices we make, what we are versus what we do, whether we grow or stagnate, the importance of human connection and trust and love even (and especially) when the world seems against you. The potential for character studies is... oof, I want to write an entire essay.

You know those books that are like, “The Philosophy of [Fiction Story]”? Oh, I am so tempted to write a full essay on the philosophical concepts presented in TMA. Especially existentialism, lmao. “What use is a philosophy minor?” people asked. Apparently the answer is, “Spend time during quarantine writing a treatise on existential philosophy in a horror-tragedy podcast I binged within a week and now can’t shut up about, because it’s been nine years since I had a philosophy class and I forgot how much I enjoyed pointlessly navel gazing about the nature of existence.”

I’ll shut up now. TL;DR if anyone wants to ramble at me about TMA, chances are I’ll be excited to respond. I’m having trouble focusing on creative writing right now, and I think my hype over this podcast might be helping me with writer’s block a little bit.