#idk i'm just so fucking messed-up lol.
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there’s something wrong with me. i keep going to people for advice when i know they just don’t have the capacity 2 help me. like what the fuck is wrong with me
#i really really really have 2 get it through my fucking skull that just bc someone cares about what’s going on with me doesn’t mean they#should know. like people go seeking things they don’t have the ability to handle all the time. why is this new to me???#i guess i felt like everyone was right + like hiding things from people was self-imposed so i wanted 2 be mature about things and be a#little more open + now i’m realizing i really wasn’t lying to myself. people legitimately can’t handle the things i need help with.#which honestly might make me even less mature than i was hoping lol. like 2 anguish over things nobody anguishes over is pretty stupid#but then like i go 2 therapy or something + it's like i'm just lying 2 the therapist so they don't feel bad when they can't help me#like i lay out my issues + then when they can't fix it i pretend 2 slowly get better#idk i'm just so fucking messed-up lol.
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your boy is officially on t!!!!!!!
#i just did my first shot :D i mightve messed up the dosage a little but it was only my first shot so w/e#i'm just????? so fucking ecstatic?????? like it doesnt feel real tbh#parker shut up#idk if anybody really cares LOL but i want to brag about it anyway
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Today's goals are like. Don't cry at the library. Don't throw up your double coffee. Don't fall asleep at 1pm.
#I wanna die lol#I wish I had my own place to isolate#I'm tired of being around my family it feels bad to say it but it's true like my sister arrived yesterday and I can't feel happy about it#I love her but she's a lot when you're tired lol and I'm exhausted#I won't even start talking about my parents..#I have to go back to work on Monday and it's stressing me out#Idk I'm just such a mess#I woke up after sleeping only around 5 hours my anxiety was so bad#Anyway let's go to the fucking library it's gonna be difficult to study but at least I'll have my peace there#Studyblr
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"It's not dysphoria" I say as I write an entire assignment on my own invisible queerness and gender identity, and as I feel like tearing my skin off and crawling into a cave forever
#i love that this seems to happen every october sdfghfd#those who have been here long enough know the pattern by now#but what am i gonna do about it? nothing probably. idk maybe something when i'm 45#i would be more okay with all this if i wasn't fucking 5'1 with the biggest girly baby eyes ever#god when cis people say 'but you're so pretty' all sad like it's a shame i'm not dolling myself up.#maybe i can pass as an 11 year old boy. and maybe passing isn't the point. but i would at least like a CRUMB.#....ah. that's why i'm so messed up rn. probably this assignment / research topic i'm choosing#and also having to keep my partner's transition a secret. it's not hard i just worry that someone in the family will find out#that's probably why i've procrastinated working on this assignment for so long lol. it's too personal.#i also had one of those days yesterday where i felt like everyone was scrutinizing me. and maybe a few old men actually were#but i mean who cares? but still can't queer people just exist without being a spectacle?#without cis people constantly trying to 'figure them out'?
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Hey uh
anyone here on Art Fight this year or-
Cuz I'm on there, same name and everything. I'm on Team Vampires.
You can like, add me or whatever...I mean, if you want...
I haven't interacted with anyone on here or even really drawn in a couple months, sweet pulsating spider-christ ...
#I KNOW I KNOW I CAN JUST. DO THE THING. BUT I ALSO CAN'T. YKNOW????#I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY MIND HAS BEEN I DON'T#I'M STILL STRUGGLING WITH HEALTH Y'ALL#and sometimes instead of bouncing back and forth from feeling stable enough to do things and absolute dog shit i just-#-'welp i guess I'll just not do anything! that'll solve all of my problems! I'll get better if i don't do things and just rest and space out#-'WOW I CAN JUST BE ISOLATED AND PATHETIC IN MY ROOM ALL DAY COOL'#like...I EVEN GOT MY PAIN MEDS BACK! AND I QUALIFIED FOR A HIGHER DOSE WHICH IS A MIRACLE BC THIS IS FLORIDA!!#but like. idk.#and it's not like i don't care at all!!! I've missed you guys like fuck!!!! i just feel like I'm so far behind and everyone is on another-#-plane of existence at this point! and the longer it goes the more guilty i feel coming back bc i feel ashamed and lazy...#but i know you guys don't give a shit about at all. and I'm sorry for assuming and being so hard on myself#but also my fandoms are all over the place rn so uh. I'm so sorry LOL#but seriously anyone on art fight?? i really need to get back drawing but it's daunting...#especially since my guess 2 or 3 years were kickass by the last 2 literally no one but my wife interacted with me#one friendly fire from my partner. in two fights. after putting HOURS OF EFFORT THRU CHRONIC PAIN AND ILLNESS into all of those pieces...#i know I didn't draw a fuckton but i just got so discouraged and sad after awhile. and some never even got any attackee comments.#it all felt so damn pointless#but I'm nothing if not a survivor#as Zapp Brannigan once said; 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised'#I'm a hot fuckin mess but even if i barely get any interaction at all again i can at least say i didn't give up-#and put in effort and love like always. no half-assing with art fight unless it's just me and my wife or a friend doin stupid friendly fires#BUT ANYWAY I STILL WANNA FUCK SLASHERS. IF ANYTHING THERE'S STILL THAT. IT'S STILL ME.
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the easiest fix is just to use Noé but I wonder if it would be weird to have the diacritical?? Like I'm not putting the diacriticals on ouwei's name...
#just thinking thoughts...#anime ace doesn't even support the diacriticals needed to accurately write ouwei's name lol#huh idk... I feel like it's different because portuguese fundamentally uses the same writing system as english#whereas english is just doing its best to capture chinese#also noe is already like. that mfer from vnc#I dunno if I'm ready to compete with that#like de was very brave to use harry (harrier cough) in a post rowling world but they did it just fine#I think it's probably okay if I want to use noé...#I know I picked noah in part because I figured it would be easy to have a name that was also japanese and pronounced the same way#like mario for example#but somehow I feel like mario is even worse. like just as a reality for him. girl he is going to get bullied at school so bad#BRO WHATEVER ! HE'S GOING TO BE NOÉ IT WILL BE FINE...#thank FUCK I didn't have anyone say his name in the trailer my god.#could you imagine the cringe. crawling back to a va and going hiii I messed up on this line... can you re-record
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hey everybody I'm building a monster 😄
edit: god the original screenshot I posted was so much worse quality than I thought it was. here's an actual copy of the drawing instead lmao
bonus higher quality closeup of the face I accidentally saved separately somehow
#x: axel talks#my art#kind of an expansion on the last monster I drew actually but I'm experimenting w other stuff#idk maybe just refining the idea or evolving or something idk I'm just messing around kinda#body horror cw#little bit#next step is to look up some anatomy stuff so I can maybe actually build it bones out properly this time#instead of eyeballing it all like last time. worked out ok last time but like#this time I want to do weird stuff w its musculature so I really need to get a handle on how muscles are supposed to work#before I can really fuck em yknow#I'm not a practiced artist and this is super early/rudimentary so don't like. judge me ok lol#also need to figure out how I can add a visible belly while keeping the general design way too lanky and stretched out overall#hmm
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HATE how moving to a new apartment requires so much CLEANING the old apartment
#eliot posts#im still packing and cleaning and i'm in Hell#i'm set to move in uh. two days.#i'm not even halfway done.#and my apartment is a fucking MESS so i gotta pick stuff up off the ground and out it in boxes#luckily shit doesn't need to be packed THAT well bc my new place is just a few blocks away#i'm just gonna be making a ton of trips in my shitty lil hyundai#im just. eughhh.#i hate cleaning so bad you would not even believe#confession it once got so bad (bc mental illness that time not just me being Like This) i straightup hired a maid#just as a one-time deal and just to clean my kitchen and dining area#(bc the bedroom and living room messes were just clutter only i knew where to put. and i was able to keep the bathroom clean by myself)#i paid her 1.5x the price she was asking because it was so nasty and i felt guilty lol#do not regret it one bit bc it was so bad my brain just shut down and didn't know where to start#my sister is naturally so tidy and i'm so jealous of her#she says she finds cleaning relaxing and a nice way to relieve stress#but cleaning stresses me out SO BAD i keep on feelin like im about to get screamed at and berated for doing it wrong the whole time#idk how we ended up so opposite on that front like??? we got abused by the same gotdam mother
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sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself?#and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways#humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good#and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up#leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that#me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies#pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm#yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice#and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since#christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??)#OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure#which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata#and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing#ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that#im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk#and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my#personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol)#but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am#and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS#anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends#as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho#that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so#sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like#we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids#but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone#who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways#OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god
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#hi?#lol i haven't drawn in ages so i'm fucking around with drawing fr dragons again.#to ease myself back into it since i can fuck around and have fun without being too hard on myself#she's a mess! (said about myself and the sketch)#i can literally only work like 30 minutes before getting distracted.#i started lining it but idk if i like it i might just clean it up more and try painting it#chant's art
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🥲 wdym my lecture's in a week
#went over the script now but my sleeping pill started clouding my brain around 5/8 of the way through#so idk if i caught it. which is an issue bc this is the part i know less 😭#it's cool it's cool i'll just. go over it every day this week. try to properly rehearse too. with the presentation as well#i'm worried tho i feel like i haven't rehearsed enough. ik for a fact i did that more with my last one#but also here ik the material better so i'm more confident in that ig?? also i has significantly less time to practice 😭#idk idk my mind's a mess of stress rn...... i will be fine tho i have no choice#i thought i fucked up my previous one too but everyone said it's great so maybe i'm just too harsh on myself#(i mean i definitely am lol i'm scared that if i drop the harshness i'll become too lax. but that's true in general not just abt this)
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what if i just waited to post stuff until i've got my current three Ideas written
just post em all back to back and then sleep for a week
[ !! venting in the tags !! ]
#haunted ecosystem#haunt's feeling: a lil burnt out! been writing a bunch for literally going on four months stragiht#i mean the state of the world is NOT helping with this fact. plus also uuuuuuh trauma anniversary kicking me in the nuts rn#normally i dont mention that shit but it is def hitting me hard. we stay silly tho i'm just mega tired rn#might just designate myself a two week break again and relax a lil. i've been on a like. kinda drawing kick? i hate drawing though#i really wanna just watch another pov of outsiders and just think abt silly aus. i love coming up with stuff for wtds but ALSO i just. wa.#lotta thoughts. words just arent quite working!#we're approaching the final stretch and so much of this is so specific in my head that i don't wanna mess it up#also like this one stupid comment that wasn't even mean is just eat at me and i wish it wasn't lol#usually the comments are just funny but like. idk. it was a neutral/negative thing and was the first response i heard abt that chapter#which sucks! i love chapter 20! it was half the fucking reason i wanted to write wtds!#i wanted to share what lead up to that :( i wanted to share the story and the everything and just. ugh.#that stupid comment had me rethinking posting it. which. sucks.#rsd hits like bricks when you aren't mentally prepared for negative feedback#uuuuuuuuh#sorry i just. needed to say it#sorry for venting in tags </3#ok yeah my words are just giving up on me im gonna just close my laptop and go do. something#maybe just watch some streams and remake my bed.#that reminds me i really should stop sleeping on the floor. that's more mental energy than i have rn though so.#i guess i'll change the sheets and see how i feel. not being on the floor would probably be a good idea#ok im just gonna#added a warning in the post lol#normally i try and keep my blog light hearted!! i want to keep my blog light hearted but. sometimes its just how it is#i might end up scrapping some of the work i did because i accidentally projected some shit onto pandora that. doesnt fit ig?#it was an accident but it happened anyway#love the lines. not sure they work.#i should finish that one fic that's been rotting in my drafts. c!emduo is something i haven't written in literally a year#project on a character i CAN project on.#anyways i'm gonna post this and just. close tumblr. im tired
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ngl besties I'm really looking forward to it getting warm enough that I no longer have to blow dry my hair....
#no matter what diffuser I try if I don't dry it in this very specific way it gets SO FRIZZY and fucked up and just... not good#I know it's partially cause I haven't had it cut in 6 months (shhhh) but the longer it gets the less definition my curls have#so when I dry it they can just... turn into frizz mess instead of curls. no matter how I dry or what product I use 😞#but it's *literally* freezing still out here and I'm not running around w/wet hair fuck that#but when it's hot! no need to blow dry! I just fluff it up with my hands and then set the curls and go lol#but god I do need a haircut 😞 it's *so* long but I have just been dealing with one thing after the other and haven't had time#it's not a big deal idk I don't have like? layers or anything lol but it's just super long#erin explains it all
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look at my tags boy
#not fandom related#personal log stardate#just wanna vent a bit#i think I'm gonna crank up my q. i have like. 3 k posts in my drafts lol. so yeah#can't rly focus today. yesterday i cleaned up and tidied up so good. even wiped the floor. bc we had ppl over. i didn't clean my room tho#and that is still a fucking mess. now that the pressure of Having Someone Over is gone i have no drive to tidy up or clean anymore#i think it's gonna be a slow day. I'll watch bbc ghosts. i know i have saved posts abt the show somewhere but i don't remember#on which sideblog and how deep into the drafts i have to go. one sideblog has 8000 drafts#so i guess I'll just go into the bbc ghosts tag to reblog some stuff#today i tried club mate for the 1st time ever#my fellow students during my bachelor studies used to constantly drink that stuff and I've always wanted to know what it tastes like#anyway. at first it reminded me of carbonated apple juice. Apfelschorle. idk how it's called in english. it tastes ok-ish and#for me personally i can see it as a social drink i can have when the ppl I'm w have carbonated alcoholic drinks and i don't feel lik3#*like nonalcoholic beer. anyway. gonna turn on bbc ghosts and have a mug of coffee#i hope you guys are doing alright. btw happy threshold day if you celebrate! i haven't watched voyager yet but i will one day
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