#idk its less about the tablet and more about the blatant disregard for my wishes concerning it

[tinyspringtrap]

ugh I’m still upset about this stupid fucking drawing tablet

rant incoming. gets personal. life shit. its not really about the drawing tablet.

I hate this stupid fucking thing so much. I’ve never before in my life had something give me an actual, genuine meltdown, but this tablet??

every time I try to open this thing and give it a chance it just pisses me off - half because of the tablet itself and half because... I pretty explicitly said I didn’t want a drawing tablet, and then I got one anyways :/

and it’s not even one I would pick out - it’s fucking horrendously overcomplicated, has too many fucking buttons on it for a drawing surface, it comes with a bunch of random pieces that I cannot figure out what the hell they’re supposed to do - AND. AND. the charging cord. plugs into the right hand side of the tablet. where I would be drawing. who the fuck designed this piece of shit? I would never willingly buy this thing. I don’t NEED ~*professional grade*~ I just need something that functions and isn’t stupidly overcomplicated.

It’s not a very good gift if the person explicitly says they don’t want it. Idk. call me ungrateful or w/e if you want but the tablet combined with the fact I also got a coffee maker (????) just kinda. further made me feel like people don’t really care a lot about what I wanted. 

it’s... not a new feeling. and I don’t get it, because pretty much everything on the wishlist I sent was cheap and/or something I would have gotten real use or joy out of. I don’t think I got a single thing that I actually... enjoyed, in any capacity, from my mom or grandparents. meanwhile I bought things that catered to what they enjoyed - they might not have /needed/ any of it, but they were all things based on what they enjoy and/or wanted. like it’s just.

it’s like they went out of their way to get me things I explicitly said i didn’t want. like it would have genuinely been easier to just. buy a small handful of the plushtoys i wanted - it would have made me a lot happier too. I don’t need or like expensive gifts.

I think it really says a lot when my narcissistic aunt who I can barely stand to be around because she’s fucking terrible got me a better, more thought out gift that fit with the kind of things I actually wanted.

You know what she got me? a 20$ mug with a cat and a funny saying on it. and that was a far more enjoyable gift to open then half the things I actually received from my mom and grandparents. 

I’ve asked now for so many years in a row to NOT get pajama pants because I literally have too many and I keep getting them anyways. shirts would be nice, some pajama shorts/capris for summer would be super useful and appreciated because I literally have like 1, maybe 2, pajama bottoms for summer

sometimes I wonder why they even tell me to send them a list anymore, it’s not like they buy anything I would actually enjoy having. and it’s not like it’s 100% stuffed animals or anything either?? like I have underwear in there that i like, that would be cool and rad and helpful to receive. I have mugs and kitchenware that I like - I have shirts that come in my size, I have bras that come in my size in there.

but i keep getting things that I have never shown interest in or have outright verbalized disinterest in.

and like. I expected that from my grandparents. it’s been pretty clear for a while now who the favourite grandchild is. it’s no secret that my grandpa hates my biological father with a burning passion and its pretty obviously effected his view on me my entire life.

but idk, it just kinda hurt in a whole new way to have my mom be so clearly dismissive of my wants too. 

you’d think i’d be tougher after being emotionally and psychologically abused for more than half my life by a shitty excuse for a stepfather but here we are.

really wish he would have just beat me more instead of fucking with my emotional and psychological wellbeing. at least if he just beat the shit out of me more I might not be as deeply convinced I was undeserving of love and incapable of trusting people to have genuine good intentions when it comes to wanting to know me.

also if he’d beat me more often I might’ve been able to get someone to actually help me maybe instead of being laughed at by a guidance counsellor for opening up about the incredible levels of abuse because ‘hitting your children occasionally isn’t abuse’ 

anyways. listen. listen it is such a small fuckign thing, it’s such a small thing but receiving one of the items on my list just once would make me so happy. it would make me feel heard. it would make me feel like my wishes mattered and i was deserving of the things i want. it would make me feel like ppl cared about what i want when i have been told for so many years that they dont. 

I hate that my mental health is so ruined. I hate that I will never get over any of the shit i was told time and time again as a child about how i dont deserve things and im subhuman and dont matter. i wish i could juist function mentally like a normal person who hasn’t been abused god i wish i could i really do.

but this shit sticks with you, forever. I’m never going to get over it im never going to be able to escape it all i can do is try my best to deal with it. i shouldnt fucking have to. i shouldnt have to fucking suffer for the rest of my life because someone decided to emotionally and psychologically destroy a child but i do.