#idk other assorted players i dont know as well

[mattatouile]

today i found out the hard way that if u screen record on ur phone and tell it MEDIA instead of media & mic that what actually happens is it uses the audio from your spotify and so here's the first day of BioSteel training camp to the tune pussy is god by king princess enjoy

[akilliosacheron]

well jenkins won my poll from a while ago so i guess its my time to talk about jenkins. lemme kinda go back to the beginning about it.

So, Season 12 is when i started being a blaseball fan. I officially on the site roll up to the canada moist talkers on the election sunday that the big siesta starts so im out here like what the fuck is going on while my pal corvoda is a decent bit more interested than i am at that point but i digress.

I miss the coffee cup and related events and i finally start showing my face in the discord, i think i got started on jenkins because i had stumbled across some of the blaseball rp twitters and wanted to join in, so i picked a blaseball player who didn't have a twitter at the time which was jesús and jenkins and i picked jenkins.

there is a message specifically telling me that jenkins doesnt get much love compared to other players on the team and lemme tell you, i took that PERSONALLY.

the first couple things i learned about jenkins was assorted stuff from their wiki. Flaming eye, gamer, and from greer's wiki i think i learned that jenkins and greer were.... something. relationship something.

after a while, i took a crack at making a jenkins interp that combined two other interps i had seen, big lizardy jenkins and mostly humanoid jenkins and ended up with salamander jenkins, eventually switching over to leopard gecko jenkins.

the thing that both entertained me and made me sad is that nothing ever really happened to jenkins. this player who i loved so much didnt recieve a stat buff till late expansion, despite being active with the same stat total since s4 election. sure they got crows mod but rarely did they play in bird weather just cuz of how weather works.

if i can be salty a little bit, i've always had a weird relationship with greer because of how much we focus on her. i know buff greer was funny and it definitely is super funny dont get me wrong but jenkins was a great pitcher until the stat creep hit. we still has to spend several elections on greer because she was a fan favourite. i feel in my heart that if it had been jenkins in that feedback there probably wouldnt have been as much of a push to get them back and idk that always scared me.

its not that jenkins was truly irredeemably bad at the time but compared to a player like greer? if we had to choose between greer or jenkins in something i know greer is winning and that does weird things to my brain sometimes idk i will digress again

jenkins being an active player vs kennedy trevino tyvi who are (were, in tyvi's case) fuckin dead is a wierd space to be in too. especially now that jenkins is on the tacos in new era i rotate between happiness that the tacos like them and deathly fear that theyre going to misconstrue something about them because jenkins is just so specifically Talkers-fied that you really had to be there for the jenkins conversations to understand jenkins' vibes. Its one of those things that like, jenkins was an s1 talker, they had all this time on the team so you just Got the vibes.

my sad thing about jenkins on the tacos? i feel like i cant talk about them anymore. my jenkins is talkers jenkins and i dont know the tacos and i am afraid. this is not my jenkins good anymore this is a whole other jenkins now and i think.... thats really the thing thats fucking me up about this new era. but at least jenkins is doing okay last i checked.

uhhhh lemme actually say some fun headcanons here... Jenkins has a math related degree in Orb Studies and can determine the exact salt content in food just by licking it. they eventually get a pet gecko named Adkins.

[sacrasm]

okay so i usually dont dream/remember my dreams and of course last night i remember what i assume is the later half of my dream 

and of course this one is all kinds of crazy.  im still confused.  how can you put a child lock on a car so it can only go 65 mph.  what is glitterball.   this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life

dont read if you want to keep your sanity intact.   (tl;dr: i hosted the weirdest house party, cars come capped at one speed, tyler hoechlin was our responsible adult of the night, everything seemed so unrealistic but totally shit we’d do.  i think im going crazy.)

it goes like this: 

for some reason im driving this dark blue fiat but it had a child lock on the gas.  it was literally impossible for the car to go anything but 65.  not any faster, not any slower, and if you held your foot down long enough you might get to 66.  

so im driving to my grandmother’s house, and pull up in the driveway, and when i get out my dad tells me that he hired a babysitter to make sure things don’t spiral out of control.  apparently i’m throwing a house party, except the house looks like my grandmother’s, but is actually my parent’s and the inside is a weird fusion of my grandmother’s home, a friend’s home, and the valley fair mall if any of you know what that looks like.

the babysitter gave me the evil eye when i went inside, and told me that just because there were 15+ teens in the house doesnt mean we can go wild and skip bedtime.  she looked like this little crotchety old blonde lady, like the kind you’d get for a sub in highschool that just hates any and all teenagers and stress knits.

i didn’t see anyone when i actually went into the house, aside from a comically large escalator and doorways and thirty or so pizza boxes in the kitchen.  some still have pizza in them, but no one knows which boxes. my fiat was in the middle of the living room.  the babysitter had a shotgun and told me that she’d use it if we got too raunchy.  tyler hoechlin was sitting in an armchair.  he complimented my car. 

for some odd reason the halls and doorways were all the size of one car, so you could drive in the hallways.  the fiat still had the child lock, so i just drove around the hallways at 66mph until i accidentally hit someone, that turned out to be one of my friends, who was riding a horse.  somehow he was fine and uninjured, as was his horse. he refused to answer to anything except napoleon, which doesn’t make sense because that friend isn’t short.

idk how but somehow i’m in a different room, the horse is on top of my car, and all of us are trying to do as much irresponsible shit that we could get away with before getting caught by the babysitter, like drinking copious amounts of alcohol and having indoor paintball tournaments.  time is a social construct inside the house and doesn’t exist, which we’re all fine with.  

and then i drove down a hallway and then a door opened, which the car hit at 66 mph and the door stayed intact.  two of my crushes were sitting in someone’s bedroom, which i guess was mine bc a ton of my shit was in there. they were playing a weird cards against humanity and truth or dare fusion game, that also included pokemon cards.  hoechlin is doing vertical pushups on my bed while simultaneously playing the strange card game.  he’s not doing so good. i went back out into the hallway and my best friend had a rainbow donkey pinata that was as tall as her shoulder.  we both couldve fit in it.  she told me that it was filled with the world’s greatest chocolate, but she refused to open it because she didn’t want to ruin the donkey.  irl that friend loves chocolate.  her boyfriend was following her around the house/mansion trying to convince her to just smash the paper mache donkey already.

i got back in the car, a different best friend was in the fiat with me.  she liked throwing smokebombs out the window at anyone she saw.  somehow she got her hands on a t-shirt cannon and shot confetti in people’s faces despite never leaving the car.  someone bet that i couldn’t kick a hole through a refrigerator. they lost the bet.  everyone was suddenly betting that i couldn’t kick through anything.  i could kick through anything as long as i was wearing my necklace.  my necklace gave me power.

all the tvs in the house only played the sports channel, which had this game going on 24/7 called glitterball.  it looked like football meets ice hockey, except there were pits on the field and whack-a-moles would pop up and players would slam into them or fall in.  there was no glitter involved.  someone stole the babysitter’s shotgun and was trying to shoot her since she kept interrupting us during shit but she was faster than sonic and kept matrix dodging the shotgun shells. tyler was rooting for us.  actually i think he started a betting pool with other celebrity friends to see who could shoot the babysitter.  it turned into a little hunger games, except we were all hunting the babysitter.

one of my other friend’s bedrooms since they all had rooms at my parent’s house was literally filled with weed.  there was a path big enough for a car to squeeze through and a sofa in the middle of the room but other than that, floor to wall weed.  nothing else.  he called it the posey room. he also had a lamborghini which also had a child lock, but his was stuck at 45 mph.  i always passed him in the halls in my tiny ass car even though the hallways are one car so idfk how i managed to pass him.  whenever he honked it was just a yeaaaaaaaaaa boiiiiiiiii.  there was a record player in the exact center of the house, suspended in midair.  it played whatever you wanted to hear the most.  we called i the record player of erised.  no one could hear what it played for themselves, and no one could give accurate descriptions of what they heard for someone.  someone would argue they heard smooth criminal, another would say moaning, and someone else would say fireworks.  we knew they weren’t right.  without fail hoechlin would always say it sounded like wonderwall.  we all looked at him funny because that was the only thing we found weird in the dream.

since the house was part mall there was a weird amc extension.  we watched a movie that was a combo of ferris bueller, me before you, avatar, and your name.  the friend with the pinata had a whole kiddie pool filled with popcorn and was sitting on the pinata, which was still intact even though someone had ran it over in the 45mph lambo.  i watched it get rekt.  but there it was, whole and fully intact.  the friend on the horse was still on the horse and refused to dismount, and managed to convince most of us that he was actually attached to it so he couldn’t get off.  i had seen him get off the horse to kick someone in the balls.  after the movie none of us could find the babysitter.  she disappeared.  we were all fine with that.  we found tyler eating leftover pizza in the kitchen and watching glitterball.  he said the babysitter left him in charge because she was sick of us.  we were fine with that as well.

the fridge that i put a hole in was the door to his room.  there was a camaro in there, and it was locked at 120mph.  my car was faster than his.  no one thought it was strange.  someone drank sriracha like it was water. someone else buttered the hardwood flooring and put lube on the doorknobs and faucets.  we all stayed in our cars for a while to avoid the buttery floors, all capped at different speeds.  the camaro was still the slowest, even slower than the horse. hoechlin’s car horn was just assorted swear words.  every time he honked it would stop our cars.  someone traded cars with him and just honked at random intervals .  we could hear the muted swearing every time our cars jerked to a stop.  eventually tyler traded back.

i got in a fight with my other friend about what would be in a sandwich called the lgbtq+.  i said edible glitter and anything the person making it wanted.  she said that was literally just glittery subway.  she argued that it had to be  lamb, grain, bacon, tabbouleh, quince, and an ingredient starting with the letter of the maker’s sexuality.   hoechlin said that we had to fight and whoever won would be right.  someone backhanded me before the fight started and i woke up.  what the fuck.

mildly concerning facts about this shitshow:

how does someones brain create this nightmare??  

why was i driving a fiat?? 

none of the neighbors filed an noise complaint. 

 im so confused.  

how did tyler hoechlin get into the house.  

do they even make pinatas bigger than small children

how does a fucking pinata survive a rollover from a lamborghini

why did no one stop us

we drank enough alcohol to die of poisoning three times over but werent drunk

a  room full of weed.  an entire room.

this is the second half so what was i doing before this

what was i doing

why did i dream this

what the fuck is wrong with me

if this was the second half, then what the hell happened in the first half