#idk the idea of this poly thing makes me anxious but at the same time super happy

[arece]

hiiii i'm officially requesting something with reader and Akira, please give me that sweet sweet wlw love, i'll accept literally anything, although i do think it would be interesting if it started out more enemies-ish to lovers, because Cain said he'd keep an eye on reader, right?? and then in the movie Akira told John either he'd kill Cain or she would, sooooo i think that gives way to something interesting idk just an idea

also idk about you but i'd be down for poly icon reader, like, between her, Nobody, and Akira, two thirds are still officially part of the underworld, who cares about conforming to monogamy when they could die any day. but maybe that's just me though

i loved the story so much!!! can't wait for any more snippets in this au!

♤ a/n: This request had me absolutely losing it. For now I just kept it Akira and reader, BUT if you were to request the poly separately I'd check it out *hint hint*! other works here

♤ warnings: John Wick violence, swears, reader finding it hot when a woman tries to kill her

⋯♤⋯♧⋯♢⋯

It hadn’t been long after John’s death for Caine to stay true to his word and visit you. You avoided Winston for a bit, deciding to stay on your own for a while. You were sure that if any reminders of John were to appear you’d lose it. You wondered if there would ever be a point where it didn't ache so much.

How funny it was for someone who was in your life for such a short amount of time managed to have such an impact.

Perhaps you were a bit lonely but you had Dog. You welcomed Caine into your apartment, albeit a bit weary, unknowing of his parting assurance he made John. You didn’t blame him for what happened, he did the same thing as John. They were both not only willing to kill, but to die for their daughters.

He confessed to you that he was anxious to meet his daughter, that it had been so long since he’d last seen her he feared that she wouldn’t forgive him, would not want to know him. You advised him to take it slowly.

Suggesting that eventually he should tell her the truth. He immediately protested but you cut him off, “if you hide this from her she’ll be able to tell, she’ll never trust you.” He sighed, removing his glasses for a moment to rub a hand over his face.

“I don’t want her involved with the underground world, that was the whole point of me doing what I did.” You held your breath, trying really hard to not think of him. It wasn’t the time. “Speaking of it cautiously won’t drag her into it, if anything it’d be best to warn her, to give her a full chance to decide herself if it’s worth the risk of knowing you.”

Perhaps it was cruel, but it was the truth. A truth Caine needed to hear telling by the saddened yet understanding look on his face. “I can come if you think that’d help.” He slightly nodded, the barest hints of hesitation showing. Looks like you’re going back to France. Great.

-

“Is that her?” You saw a pretty young girl, your age if not slightly younger, playing the violin on the streets. She was really good, the beautiful melody entrancing a crowd of people. Caine was transfixed, distracted by the idea he was about to meet his daughter again.

You however, were still on guard. That’s how you noticed the fast approaching figure of a woman, switchblade held tightly in her hand. As she passed by aiming for Caine’s side, you gripped her by her wrist, slowly pulling her close in a way that wouldn’t capture the attention of the people on the crowded street.

Caine didn’t seem surprised and that was enough for you to infer this was the Akira he told you about, the one he said was only a matter of time before she showed to seek revenge for her father. “Go,” you told Caine, holding on despite her trying to get you to let go.

He stayed back for a minute before making his way over to his daughter, bouquet in hand. “Don’t make the same mistake as my father.” The warning seemed to fly right past her, instead her interest stook to your confession.

“John Wick’s daughter? Heard he died, one less person on my list.” You ignored her attempt to anger you, still trying to reason with her. “You’d make another girl suffer our pain?” You both were two sides of the same coin; one starving for the revenge of her father, the other having no one to blame as everyone at fault already died.

“She doesn’t know him.” You twisted her by her arm, pulling her back to your chest, forcing her to watch as Caine hugged his daughter tightly. “Choose to reenact your revenge plot another day, he’s meeting his daughter now.”

A passer-by caught your eye, staring at you two suspiciously. You rested your head on her shoulder in an attempt to make your back hug seem more casual, “people are looking.” Your hand still held onto her wrist with the blade.

“Everything he touched died, it’s a miracle he didn’t take you down with him.” That hit a sore spot, nearly having you see red. You twisted her wrist before she could even think about doing anything except hissing in slight pain.

Now you held her knife threateningly at her side, “knives are kinda my thing, just thought you should know next time for a fair fight.” You pulled away, walking slightly backwards. “This isn’t over,” she seethed.

“It is for now,” you confirmed. You're pretty sure you made yourself a new enemy, a fun one at that. You made your way over to Caine and his daughter, kindly introducing yourself and helping him explain what he’s been doing for the last few years.

-

Caine’s daughter was weary understandably, but also extremely understanding. She was beyond lovely and invited you and Caine to stay with her for a while. You had tried to resist, not wanting to intrude on their re-bonding time but she had insisted. How could someone ever say no to her, you’d never understand.

You took walks often, an excuse to allow the two some privacy. It was on one of those walks that you were dragged by your hoodie into the back alley. Pushed up against a wall with a knife held up to your neck. “I’m starting to think you got a thing for me.”

Akira pushed the blade further against your neck, nicking just below the spade scar on the side of your neck. She looked at it curiously before stepping back slightly, “why do you keep getting in my way? I warned your father, he kills him or I will.”

You casually pushed her hand down, sliding out of the alley and continuing your walk with her trailing after you. “Technically my dad tried, duels are a tricky thing.” She didn’t find that funny, tossing the knife at you, missing your head by an inch.

You pulled it from the brick wall it landed in, admiring the craftsmanship before pocketing it with the murmur of, “finders keepers.” Akira’s frustration grew at your casual attitude, once again shoving you against a wall.

Your head slightly knocked against it and you winced, “your dad didn’t want you to kill him. So, are you really doing this for him or yourself?” Akira looked away, you could tell it was her attempt to look strong, avoiding showing her emotions. “He’s dead.”

You softly grabbed her hand, “they both are. Revenge is what brought us here in the first place, don’t force another person into this life out of grief.” She sniffed, squeezing your hand before roughly pulling away.

“Him living is on you, if I come to regret it you will be the one to pay.” You watched as she stepped back, the knife she stole back from you in her hand. You couldn’t help but grow fond of her for that. “I’ll count on it. You can visit me for other reasons too, though.”

She scoffed but you saw the smile she tried to fight back appear on her face. She was a dangerous killer, one who would happily add you to her long trail of taken lives. A woman after your own heart.

⋯♤⋯♧⋯♢⋯

taglist: @khaleesihavilliard @ihatemyselfmorethanmydepression @scarletmeii @romanreignsluver1 @tamnight @hesvoid34 @wi1steria @not-a-big-slay @howlerwolfmax @mizzy-pop @sarapaprikas-blog @angrykitsune01

[beaversatemygrandma]

Ya know, I’ve been thinking about the whole slut shaming thing. Mostly bc of the fact that i have indeed been the slut shamed.

Like, back when i had my first outside of a relationship hookup (literally, the third person i ever slept with. Like. That’s not a lot. I’ve seen ‘good xtian girls’ with more) I ended up having my ex’s friends turn on me along with him, all of them going on and on about how I was a whore who didn’t get enough love from my mother and that’s why i was sleeping around bc I allegedly needed love from others to love myself or some bullshit. Number 3. At Number Fucking 3. Just bc it was casual. And then, fast forward five years, I’ve given up on listening to that bullshit. I’ve had a few adventures of my own. Getting cozy in figuring out what my sexuality is. And now, with a much higher number, I’ve told somebody, and they’re like ‘Hell yeah, get it’ And that’s the kind of person you want to keep around. Like it took me years to not feel bad about my ‘slut habits’ when they’re very much not that (well, if it’s coming from somebody else and not me. I’ll call myself that but if You say that? Nah. Nope. Get out.) Like the amount of times you hear all that hurts. It’s all just the xtian values of ‘purity’ and whatever. Just manmade ethics that lead you to living in fear of literally just doing things as harmless as finding pleasure or yourself. Kinda like that one post going about where somebody said the whole rose metaphor. Your future husband won’t even notice any petals missing until after you hit like 10 petals. Either way, you’re not a flower. You’re not going to lose anything if you decide to have sex. Just stay safe so you don’t catch any unwanted diseases or a baby or smth. (Unless you want to, I’m not you, but be careful.)

Idk where i was going here, but just have sex if you want to, unless you don’t, then don’t and don’t let anybody say otherwise. You are you. Fuck who says otherwise. Sleep with whoever you want. As long as it’s consensual and not involving minors, just Do It. Find out what you’re into. Have fun with it.

[primalsouls]

sharing is caring

reki kyan x gn! reader x langa hasegawa

⚠️ : none

theme: fluff

notes: so uh... poly relationship :3 anyway enjoy! thank for reading! decided to do a little something for Valentine's day with reki and langa and idk i just like the idea of them being in a poly relationship with reader ^u^

≫ ──── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ──── ≪

"Aah, I can't wait to tell [Y/N] how I feel about them for Valentine's!" Reki said excitedly while Langa glanced at him with an expression of shock.

"Wait, [Y/N]? You're getting something for them today?" Langa asked with a brow raised. Reki nodded, looking over at him with a grin. "But I was going to confess to them today."

Those words froze Reki in placed, his skateboard rolling off to the side on its own as he took his feet off it. The duo currently sat on the steps that led to the skatepark they attended behind a building. Reki stared at Langa with the same shock expression the bluenette gave him. Both friends blinked a few times.

"You like [Y/N]!?" They yelled in unison after they stood up from their spots on the steps. Their index fingers pointed at each other as their eyes widen at each other's questions. Each had a blush decorated their cheeks. Reki shook his head, putting his hand down and instead placed them on his waist. Langa sighed quietly, sitting back down on the step. He picked up his skateboard, studying it boredly.

"Why do you like them? You only met them for a while now and already you have a crush on them?" Reki asked, taking a seat beside Langa once again, his brows knitted down. Langa pouted, looking over at his redhead friend. "I known [Y/N] longer. My crush grew from junior high." He continued, his own pout showing up on his face.

"Knowing them longer doesn't matter that much. It's how well you get along with the person." Langa said. Reki nodded, thinking about it for a moment as the taller of the two continued. "I like [Y/N] because they're nice. They helped with my injuries whenever skate around my neighborhood." Reki remembered Langa lived next to [Y/N]'s house. It was just around the corner. Not too far. He had seen the two walk to school together and even going home together. He didn't mind it at first. It was what friends do. Until he learned Langa liked them as well. "Why do you like them?"

The question caught Reki off guard despite being the one who asked it first. His flushed cheeks reddened.

"Like I said... I known them longer and my crush started on middle school. How it started? Well," Reki looked up at the sky. Evening was drawing near. "When I started skating after another friend got me into it, [Y/N] was there to show me the rodes more. Always tending any small wounds I get. They'll scold me for being too reckless." Reki chuckled at the memories. It made Langa smiled a bit. But Langa then stood up, a determined look on his face. It startled Reki from his spot, looking up at him with a confused gaze.

"Let's beef." Langa said, a hand clenched into a fist.

"W-wait, what? Beef?" Reki asked, which earned him a firm nod from Langa. "For what? [Y/N]'s love?" He joked but stopped right away when the other boy stared at him with a serious look in his eyes. "Oh... I... Okay, let's beef then." Reki dared. He picked up his skateboard, his own eyes shined with determination as well as he stood up from the steps. Langa picked up his board, too.

"First one to get to [Y/N]'s house gets to confess."

"And the loser?"

"Hmm... Third wheels?"

Reki rose a brow, a shrug being his answer to Langa's suggestions.

"Let's think about it right after I confess." Reki said. He already took off, getting on the road and placed his skateboard, stepping on it to ride it down the street. Langa blinked, his lips parted slightly before it spread into a grin, going right after his friend.

[Y/N] flipped the channel on their TV, a bored look on their face. They were spending Valentine's day alone. After countless of times they went back and forth with their plans of confessing to a couple of certain friends. But they didn't know who to confess to. So, a third option came to mind. Spend the day alone. Inside their house. Watching the television while eating from a small tub of ice cream. What a day. A tired sigh left their lips. If only they could muster up the courage to confess to their crushes. Speaking of crushes, they turned their attention to their windoe after hearing a crash outside. Then his door received frantic knocks. [Y/N] was confused yet scared at the same time. They turned off their TV and stood up from their seat on the couch, walking over to their door as more knocks came. They leaned up to the peephole. A sigh of relief left their lips when they saw Reki and Langa outside, practically banging on their door and now shouting from the top of their lungs. It started to pissed them off. As they opened the door and stepped to the side, the duo came crushing on each other when they fell to the floor after tipping forward through the entrance of the door.

"What the hell, guys? Why are you banging on my door?" [Y/N] asked, their arms crossed over their chest as they glanced at their friends once they stood up. A frown settled on their face but soon disappeared and a look of confusion replaced it once the boys started to ramble on and on over each other. [Y/N] rolled their eyes, shaking their head. They didn't get a clue of what they were saying, mostly due to Reki being a bit loud than Langa.

"Wait, wait! Calm down!" They said, waving their hands. "What's going on?"

Reki and Langa panted softly, their cheeks flushed due to skating their way to their crush's house.

"I like you!" They yelled together. It threw [Y/N] off. A look of surprise in their face as their arms fell to their side. A blush dusted their cheeks, not just on [Y/N] but on the other two boys as well. It was quiet right after. Eyes staring at one another. Until Langa cleared his throat.

"Please... um... choose who's confession you'll accept." Langa said with a bow of his head. Reki nodded in agreement, giving [Y/N] a bright grin.

"Yup! And don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. We'll all still be friends." Reki reassured, his hand reaching over to pat [Y/N] on the head.

[Y/N] blinked. They didn't want to choose between their two friends. Of course, they loved both boys. Not only as friends but more than that. A reason they kept backing out on who to choose to confess their love to. But then an idea came to mind.

"W-why don't we... go out together?" They said, averting their eyes away from the skating duo. Reki and Langa blinked, their head tilted to one side. Swallowing their nervousness, they cleared their throat. "I really... like the both of you. I was gonna confess today but I didn't know who I should confess to. I like the two of you and I don't wanna ruin either of our friendship." They explained, hands behind their back. Reki and Langa stared at [Y/N], making them even more anxious for their responses. "I-I even made heart-shaped cookies to give... one of... you...?" They shrugged, taking a risky glanced between the two friends.

Next thing [Y/N] knew was being in a crushing hug.

"Aww! [Y/N] just too cute! Let's do it!" Reki shouted excitedly, pecking their forehead. Langa nodded, burying his face on their head.

"Let's share our love." Langa said, smiling fondly at [Y/N].

[Y/N] smiled, chuckling. Each of their own blush reddened more as they gave Reki and Langa a kiss on the lips.

"I'm happy to hear that... Now, why don't we spend the rest of the day watching TV and eating the cookies. I made enoughfor everyone." They suggested, the duo nodding in affirmation as their eyes sparkled at the mention of cookies.

For the rest of the evening, the trio spent their time watching movies while eating cookies in each other's embrace, with [Y/N] being in the middle. Kisses were placed on each of their cheeks from Reki and Langa, their blush going up to their ears.

[hell-heron]

Hey bb 💙 talk about Worthless to Two for the meme?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22900666

There's... so much to unpack about that one. On one hand it was a total flop (understandably no one wants to read 12k of angsty and kinda moralistic bullshit) and I don't like... particularly like it? Like I sometimes do narcissism-rereads of my stuff but this one just doesn't inspire it, just didn't come out well I think. But on the other idk I'm really proud of trying at least. It was an important to me theme and I was really happy to manage to write a bit of R&J fluff.

The biggest challenge was to make Mercutio and Benvolio have psychological sense as characters despite what they do being well... so out of character. It made me wonder several times how people who actually write the death faking trope in earnest manage to do it keeping a straight face lol. It's my first time properly writing Mercutio's POV too and I especially loved his parts. I generally headcanon him with some poly tendencies and I really love the idea of him being in love with Tybalt, Benvolio and Romeo all at once and seriously distressed by having to choose when all of them represent different parts of him. And his relationship to Tybalt really is only mildly the most dysfunctional one... I really want to elaborate on that when I can write again agh.

I also had... big ideas of the Montacrew dysfunction that idk how well translated on paper. They really love each other a lot, but they're possessive of each other too, so when there are moments such as this one where one of them (here Romeo) wants something different from life they're really quick to lash out/feel like the one doesn't love the other two anymore. They have a lot of On Dit-like moments is what I'm saying. And they're all three prone to feeling third-wheel and misunderstood, though it's harder on Romeo because he's younger and naturally very sensitive (and also he has picked up on the romance between the other two). 

So... you really should have given me a section lmao this is long as shit, some random things i wanted to say are 

- At the scene where Mercutio is doing Romeo's make up and they have the Charged conversation they're going in drag as Greek goddesses. Romeo is Persephone, Benvolio is Athena (which makes it really ironic he doesn't know her Origin Story lol I didn't even do it on purpose since that was one of the last scenes i wrote. But since this was already a spitefic i couldn't much resist the spite at the Socially Anxious Bookworm characterization rip) Mercutio is Iris, so all in rainbow veils like a bad pride parade float. 

- I really enjoyed Romeo's dream/flashback sequence bc i just adore childhood flashbacks and... idk I hope I managed to convey what it means re: Juliet. He does love her and she's his soulmate, tho he's preoccupied with something else in that scene. But he's reacting really badly to their Circumstances and the fact their love has become dark and tormented by external circumstances when it is in it's essence innocent and easy and honestly the most functional relationship here. So his subconscious tries to put her in a context of childhood innocence, like the games he used to play with Benvolio and Mercutio, even knowing she would never be allowed to be part of that, but he also fears that he was the one to soil her innocence and that's what leads to the darker dreams like her buried in the clothes of a little girl or her mixing the poison to kill him etc. Also I really made it obvious he used to have a crush on Mercutio as a child woah. 

- I agonized about what should be written on Benvolio and Mercutio's "wedding ring" for way too long Jesus Christ. But Catullus always has an answer

- I completely forgot to elaborate on that line Benvolio has about how Romeo has seen Mercutio's bruises and would understand why he would want to leave Verona etc. That can be taken as either the fact obvious fear that someone like Mercutio who can't shut up wouldnt have a long life somewhere where people are so prickly and he's always getting into fights, or that he was abused for being such a faulty heir or both, as you wish. It isnt really Relevant but i also assumed 12 to be the age where Benvolio lost his parents, same as Patience perforce, so when they have that conversation at the beginning it's mostly him being like "bold of you to assume I need actual traumatic events for these anxiety levels"

- I definitely meant to have some level of my "Mercutio resents Valentine but also really misses him and jokes a lot about Romeo being his replacement little brother in a very weird for everyone way" but it didn't fit so well so it's like. Vaguely implied?   but it's definitely part of Romeo's insecutities

I think the hardest part was explaining how they can fake their deaths without body (how THE HELL do people write this trope with a straight face i-)

- I'm not sure how well I wrote Juliet but i feel like I'm the one person who will so there, I made my attempt out of, guess what, spite. I'm sorry what background/development I gave her was so sad, but I felt like it's a good way to justify why she finds it so easy to reationalize Tybalt's death, her detachment from her family and the weird conflict around genuine feeling/posturing that's at the core of her character. This is even less Relevant but... well, spite

- I might write a little spin off about that moment in Mercutio's dream where he and Romeo almost risked getting together, if I ever write the Montacrew OT3 Good Ending 

- Am I like... seing things or does Mercutio have a weird fascination with bugs based on like the Queen Mab speech and the metaphors he tends to use? Maybe i need to stop overanalyzing things

- Another fic, another failure to make Capulets and Montagues equally shitty parents. But at least I think I managed to show the Montagues in general are equally violent here?

- I'd apologize to the Gotham writers for the weird use of this riddle and the plagiarism of that scene, but I think they have more to apologize to me 

[polyamorouspixie]

i recently discovered that i'm poly. i'm already dating a girl and idk how she would feel about a polyamorous relationship, but i have an invitation from my crushes (who are already dating) to join their relationship. if my girlfriend doesn't approve, either i can break up with her or turn down the offer from my crushes, and i don't know which to choose. i'm a very anxious person and scared to bring this up to my girlfriend, any advice on how to do that and what to choose if it goes wrong?

I get two things about your crushes that strike me as, not definite bad things, but things to keep an eye on: if they know your girlfriend doesn’t know about this, and they’re asking you out, that suggests they may not be all that respectful in their behaviour. The other is the idea of “joining” an existing relationship. If you do choose to date this couple, you would not be joining them, you’d be having your own additional relationships with each of them. I know you’re new to poly, and I suspect they are too, but the odds of success in polyamory go WAY up if you realise that each pairing is its own relationship with individual requirements. 

You are going to have to bring this up with your girlfriend. You can test the water first; you have poly friends, so you can talk a little about them and see how she reacts. But then you just have to tell her. I’m a big fan of non-face-to-face communication for serious things, and I know that isn’t a popular opinion but it gives you time to type out exactly what you want to say and make sure it comes across how you want it to, and give her time to think about how to respond without feeling pressured.

I can’t tell you who to choose. The odds of long term success of a triad formed by an existing couple both starting to date the same person at the same time are pretty low, I’m not going to lie to you. It’s one of the hardest ways to jump into polyamory. But equally if your girlfriend turns out to be extremely monogamous, she may never feel comfortable with you knowing that you are not. Or, maybe your girlfriend will love the idea and you’ll find yourself part of a huge and beautiful polycule and everything will be wonderful. I don’t know.

What I do know is that not saying anything is the worst option, because quietly letting this sit will rot away at your relationship. Bite the bullet. This could be the start of something incredible.

[milesgonzalomorales]

1-50 for studyblr (all or nothing motherfucker ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

I owe you my life anon I wanted to answer these 

What year are you?Third-year as of summer 2018

What’s your major/what do you think you want to major in?Double major in Political Science and History

If applicable, what is your thesis about?                                                        n/a

Do you think you picked the right major?                                                      For sure. At first I was uncertain in my choice bc I switched quite a bit in my first/second year bw English and History, but then I realized that English classes were making me dislike my relationship w/ literature. I love my poli sci and history classes 

Ultimate educational goals?                                                                                 Getting my PhD in International Relations but i have no job to pay for it 

Career goals?                                                                                                         Working with an international organization like the UN or the IMF

Do you think your goals are realistic?                                                                 Certainly. They may be difficult to reach, but they are within my grasp so long as I keep working towards them. 

What classes are you taking right now?                                                             Canadian government/politics, introductory political theory and a comparative history class on race relations in the US and SA                                      

Favorite class out of everything you’ve ever taken and why?                          Introduction to international relations parts 1 and 2, I took them both in my second year back to back (one in the fall, the other in the winter) while I was still in the political science minor. I loved this class for several reasons. First, the content was so interesting that reading the textbook was never a chore and I was always in the first row of the lecture hall ready 15 minutes before classes even started. Another reason I liked this class was bc I had a really good experience with the ta who was my tut. leader in both semesters - there is only one other ta that I’ve had who has been that phenomenal in their teaching. This ta along with another prof have been really influential in my learning and I don’t think thank you will ever be enough for what they both did.  It was actually through these classes that I decided to major in poli sci bc I loved it so much. 

Least favorite class ever and why?                                                                       An Ancient Greek history class bc it was at night and the prof had us read exclusively from a sourebook and his slides sucked.                                

Current favorite class and why?                                                                          Canadian government, I’m learning a lot of cool stuff about my country that high-school teachers never did justice to. Also the prof is really enthusiastic and it’s contagious. 

Current least favorite class and why?                                                                 Political theory… it’s not that I hate it, but some of the texts are really difficult to read at times. Lectures are fun though, the prof really knows how to keep an audience engaged.                                                                                   

Favorite STEM field?                                                                                            I took an anthropology class in first year and loved it, the tutorials were really interesting bc we actually got to handle bone material!! It was nothing like humanities tutorials where you discuss and debate. A fun experience overall and I loved learning about the science parts too even if it was a little complicated sometimes…                      

Favorite humanities subject?                                                                               Political science, hands down. 

Class that you’ve always wanted to take but never had the chance?              I want to take a class on ethnic conflict and security, but it’s a 4th year class and i don’t have the prereqs (yet!) 

Do you use caffeine and if so how much daily?                                                 Never, unless Coffee Crisp counts 

What’s your preferred method of taking in caffeine?                                         ^ see above answer                                                                          

Have you ever tried study drugs?                                                                        Nope, not a huge fan of supplements like that.  

Are you a homework-in-the-morning kind of person?                                       Homework whenever I can type of person                         

Do you listen to music while you study?                                                            Used to, but now it distracts more than anything so I’ll put on some ambient noises or just work silently. 

Crowded area or quiet place?                                                                               Quiet place, but one that has people in it so I feel obligated to work 

What’s your preferred writing implement?                                                          bic gelocity 0.7 black and blue pens. i cannot write w/o them but they run out so fast.                         

Do you need to work out before you can study well?                                        work out??? haven’t heard that term in years 

Describe your perfect study environment.                                                          Idk the specifics, but good lighting, nice temperature, a rolling chair and a high desk i guess? 

Are you procrastinating right now?                                                                     Not really, I have time before assignment deadlines roll in. 

What was the last thing you procrastinated?                                                     Reading Thomas Hobbes Leviathan, the language was too complex and I shied away from it 

Are you a perfectionist?                                                                                        Not really, you make a mistake and you move on, I find that studyblr aesthetic notes are counterproductive 

Do you like easy classes or do you feel bad if you’re not working hard?       I don’t think there is such thing as ‘easy’ classes, it depends on what an individual’s strengths and weaknesses are. That being said, I had a light course load for a first year class where the prof felt bad for assigning us 10 pages of reading a week when another prof was assigning 80-100.    

Are you a good test taker?                                                                                    Most of the time, but with essays, I need to write outlines or I lose my train of thought and get frustrated and anxious about the time and my argument. 

What are you the proudest of out of all the assignments you’ve ever had?   A paper I did for my critical writing for history class 2 semesters ago, I contacted that professor regularly and was in her office all the time working with her to keep making it better and when I saw my final grade of 38/40, I cried with happiness. 

Do you talk to your teachers/professors a lot?                                                  Oh yeah, I’m that student who stays after class, spends half the time at office hours, asks questions during class, you name it. Professors are people too, just really accomplished people. Also they’re pretty cool and they want to see you succeed. 

Describe your favorite teacher/professor and why you like them.                   Okay again not a prof, but this person is training to become a prof and i truly hope he’s successful for several reasons. He has a lot of cool book recs both academic/non-academic, calls out the bullcrap that is academic writing, genuinely goes above the paygrade to make sure that students succeed and most importantly, is enthusiastic about the content himself. (press f to pay respects) 

Describe your least favorite teacher/professor and why you dislike them.     Hnghhhh there was these 2 profs who taught intro ir part 1 and one of those guys was an absolute loser, he constantly made holocaust jokes and other tasteless comments and when i went to talk to him about my final paper, he told me that i’d look like someone who might like to write mine about is/s like ://. never told that prof anything about my academic interests so shut your mouth 

Have you ever thought about becoming a teacher/professor?                         A few times, but I don’t think I could do it. I’d be one of those rambling profs who never end up finishing their scheduled content. 

Most profound thing ever said to you by a teacher/professor?                         Not a prof, but a ta once said that my ideas were worthy of respect and that i shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for contributions (ta: you are valid me: holy fuck i’d die for you) 

Best feedback you’ve ever gotten on something academic?                            Best feedback I’ve ever gotten was on a paper I wrote for my ir class in the first semester where i had a lot of pitfalls in my argumentation style so when i wrote one the next semester w/ the same ta marking it, i got a better mark bc i incorporated that feedback. 

Worst study habit and how are you working on it?                                            My worst habit is lacking discipline and I’m working on it by trying to stick to schedules so I can fall back into routine and ultimately be on top of things 

Are you an in-class fidgeter?                                                                                moment of silence for all the pens i’ve dropped while twirling them/taking them apart. 

How’s your handwriting?                                                                                      pretty neat, not to brag. but apparently my f’s are jumping off the lines practically. 

Write “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” and post a photo.         sorry, too late for that I’m headed to sleep soon. 

Neat or messy notes?                                                                                            A weird combo?? Like messy enough that you have arrows sticking out from all corners and sometimes things are disorganized, but the writing itself is usually very neat unless i’m tired. 

A lot of notes or the bare minimum?                                                                   A lot, for me, the slides are the skeleton and the meat comes from the prof’s mouth. 

Post a photo/scan of your notes from your favorite class.                               I think I uploaded them to my side blog?? anyway it’s late now so can’t do that 

Are you a doodler?                                                                                                I used to be, but I cut the habit bc sometimes I miss key info if I’m not paying attention. 

Post a photo of your doodles if you have any.                                                    lol i used to post a lot under the tag naailah draws 

Do you have pre-test rituals and what are they?                                                Making sure I have more pens than I’ll ever need and checking the ink refills to ensure there’s enough. 

Are you a tangent-question asker?                                                                      Yup, there’s no such thing as a dumb question. Unless it’s answered on the syllabus. That’s a dumb q. 

Do you make jokes in class?                                                                                Sometimes. I’ve cracked some awful puns in my comparative poli class once and the prof’s mic picked up on it bc i sit at the front so you have a room of 200 or so students hearing me laugh about poverty and i swear it sounds bad but it was not as bad w/ context. 

How many hours do you spend on academics per day?                                   A lot… most of my time is spent on studying/procrastinating on it 

What’s something more important to you than school?                                    Life after school and making a real impact in the world, whether it’s small-scale or large. 

[princehuii]

can you do a fluff about vernon being your best friend, but you secretly have feelings for him? you can make up the rest! thank youu ~

In Vain

Word Count: 5002Genre: angst angst anGST (with fluffiness ish? idk)Pairing: You x Hansol (Vernon)Warnings: nothing major, just some light cussing here and there, and a bit of dirty humor

Sometimes Cupid runs out of arrows and only shoots one person instead of two. And sometimes, Cupid is cruel enough to make you fall in love with someone who doesn’t have enough room in their heart to love you.

A/N: sorry this took sO SO long… what’s motivation…..i havent posted anything in over a year yiKes. I merged these two requests together bc if I didn’t………you’d have to wait another year to get the other one written LOL. sorry if this isnt exactly what you wanted !!

something to keep in mind: this takes place around the spring time! all events occur in chronological order, except for one flashback (which I hope I made obvious). enjoy~

“Hansol, what the hell are you doing?”

“Look, it was just sitting there so I took it. What’s wrong with that?”

“Well, for starters, we’re at Mingyu’s party, and you just took the entire plate of chocolate cake. Don’t you feel any shame?”

“Not at all,” Hansol shoots back while cutting himself a slice of cake, “Why would I? I love chocolate cake.”

“If you really had no shame, please explain why we’re crouching behind this ratty, gross-smelling couch.”

“…listen Y/N, you’re supposed to be my partner in crime. You can’t just call me out like that.” Pouting slightly, he hands you a white plastic fork, “Now dig in. I know you want to~”

Breaking into a smile, you give in, taking a piece of cake and eating it. “Oh my God, Hansol, this cake tastes like heaven.”

“I know. Damn, I’d marry the person who made this. It’s so good.”

“Wow, you must have really low standards then. How can you say you’d marry a person when you haven’t even met them? What if the person’s a stuck up piece of cra–”

“Yeah I agree, I think Hansol’s a stuck up piece of shit too.” A familiar voice cuts off the conversation, and when you look up, you see Seungkwan standing over you two, “Uhm, why are you guys hiding behind this sofa? And why do you have an entire plate of cake?” The round faced boy glances at you for a second before pointing an accusatory finger at his friend, “It was this punk’s idea, wasn’t it?”

“Well, first off, I wasn’t calling Hansol the stuck up piece of poop, but he might as well be for stealing–”

“–it’s not stealing! Mingyu told me to help myself–”

“–but he didn’t mean to say take all the cake! Think of it as those people who leave out a basket of candy on Halloween. Don’t be that jerk who takes the whole basket.” Seungkwan finishes, shooting a glare, “Anyways, if you weren’t insulting him, then who are you guys talking trash about?”

“He was saying that he’d marry the person who made this cake, and I was like, would you marry that person even if they were a jerk?”

Seungkwan spins to face Hansol in an instant, “The cake is really that good?”

“Yeah man, try some for yourself.” Hansol pushes a piece of the dessert into his friend’s mouth and looks at him, anticipating his reaction.

“Holy…this is really good…how dare you two hide it from everyone else!” Seungkwan exclaims, “Give me more of that, you self-centered prick.”

“Why should I? I already gave you a taste. Isn’t that good enough?”

“I could introduce you to the person who made the cake. I think you and Y/N would get along with her pretty well, since she’s really nice. Do you want to meet her?”

Immediately, Hansol’s eyes light up in excitement, “Sounds good.” He agrees almost immediately, and gives Seungkwan the rest of the cake. “Let me meet this cake goddess.”

“Thank you for your payment, kind sir,” Seungkwan bows jokingly, making Hansol roll his eyes, “Follow me. You too, Y/N.”

“Hey Eul! I want to introduce you to some fans~”

“Wha-What? What are you saying?” Hansol sputters, after almost spitting out his soda.

“I didn’t know I had any fans,” The girl laughs and holds her hand out to Hansol, “Nice to meet you, I guess? If you haven’t been able to figure it out, I’m Eul. My mailbox is next to Seungkwan’s.”

The first thing that stands out to you is how bright Eul is. Her lips are turned up in a genuine smile that’s nearly as radiant as the sun and her eyes smile along with her mouth, twinkling and sparkling, even though the room is dimly lit. Contrasting with the soft angles of her face, her auburn brown hair is cut sharply at her shoulders. 

As you compared yourself to Eul, an anxious feeling in your stomach grows when Hansol leans forward to shake her hand, “N-nice to meet you too…I’m Hansol…and I really like your cake…”

“He’s pretty shy when he talks to girls,” Seungkwan snickers, “But yeah, he really, really likes your cake. He took the whole platter.”

“Seungkwan!” Hansol hisses.

“He also said he’d marry the person who made it, so you’ll probably get a proposal from him soon. How does being Mrs. Chwe sound?”

“Seungkwan!”

Eul bursts out laughing, covering her mouth with her hand, “I hope you don’t find this insulting, but that’s kind of endearing. I’m flattered,” she manages to say once she catches her breath. You catch Hansol with his mouth slightly open, looking slightly taken aback–no, in awe–because of her laughter. 

Even her laugh sounds nicer than mine… You bite down on your bottom lip to keep yourself distracted from your thoughts.

“Yeah, Hansol, you’re real charming,” Seungkwan deadpans, “Anyways, this is his accomplice who helped him carry out that plan.”

You smile politely and offer your hand out to her, “Hi, I’m Y/N.”

Eul beams and shakes your hand, “Hello, it’s nice to meet you too!” After her greeting, there’s a moment of awkward silence before Hansol breaks the it, much to Seungkwan’s and your surprise.

“How do you know Mingyu, Eul?” He immediately sees your expressions and quickly adds, “I’m not trying to be forward or anything. I was just curious.”

“Oh, we’re in the same Organic Chemistry class, but I didn’t talk to him until I went to the pet store one day…and we ended up playing with puppies for three hours together. What about you?”

“I met Mingyu in Biology class, and Y/N works with him.”

“Wait, aren’t you a culinary arts major? Why would you take Organic Chem? It sounds like a pain.” Seungkwan groans, “I would never take that class. Too many chains, functional groups, carbons, and poly-whatevers, ugh.”

“They said it’s supposed to help me out in the long run,” Eul sighs, “But it’s killing me right now. What’s your major, Hansol?”

“Me?”

“No, the other Hansol. Yes you, you idiot,” Seungkwan quips.

Hansol gives him a look that could kill before he answers, “Uhm, this might sound kinda dumb but I–my major’s anatomical sciences.”

“Woah, that sounds really cool! Isn’t that field also pretty hard? You must be really smart, huh. What about you, Y/N?”

“I’m…” Hesitating, you look down at the floor and mutter, “I’m undecided.”

“Ah, there’s nothing wrong with that!” Eul rests her hand on your arm and smiles softly, “You still have time.”

“Yeah…I guess…” You murmur. It’s quiet again, and the feeling of discomfort suddenly overwhelms you. Clearing your throat and shifting around a bit, you say, “I’m going to get some water, I’ll be right back.”

“Alright, if you don’t come back in ten minutes, I’m going to call the police,” Seungkwan jokes.

You laugh half-heartedly and shake your head, “Don’t worry about it. Do any of you guys want anything to drink?” All three shake their head, so you go off alone to get something to cool you down.

When you return about five minutes later, you see them talking to each other as if they’d been friends for a lifetime, and, sensing that you were out of place there, you left.

And as you expected, no one comes to look for you, even after ten minutes have gone by.  

It was sweltering outside, which was out of place considering it wasn’t even summer yet. Unfortunately, your dorm’s air conditioning wasn’t functioning well, and you couldn’t get it fixed until the next day.There was so much sweat pouring from your face that when you wiped your forehead, you could see a bunch droplets left on the back of your hand. 

To withstand the heat, you were eating a popsicle while sitting in front of a small, rickety fan that you managed to get for $20 from a friend. Its loud whirring is the only sound you can hear among the unusual silence in the building. If you turned off the fan, you could probably hear a pin drop.

I guess everyone else feels dead today too.

Groaning, you lie down on the floor, and reach for your phone that had fallen under your bed. Your fingers fumble over the screen as you click on Seungkwan’s number.

“Yes?”

“Help me out, Seungkwan, I’m dying of boredom and heatstroke.”

“Oh, are you, a common peasant, asking me, the most amazing person in existence, for help?”

“Shut up, idiot. The AC in my room isn’t working, and I don’t have friends or money to go anywhere.”

“Uh, go to the library or something, you leech. And besides, weren’t you the one who ditched me at the party? Why are you crawling back to me now?”

“I mean, you were having a great time with the others…so I thought it would be fine…”

“That’s not the point! I was really worried about you. I went all around that place looking for you. I saw so many couples making out, my God, it was like walking around in a virtual-reality porno. You know, I even stumbled into a–” 

“‘–threesome practically about to get it on like rabbits.’ You already told me, Kwannie, multiple times.”

“It was traumatizing and extremely embarrassing. For them, of course. I’m never embarrassed.”

“Yeah, of course you aren’t. Anyways, I’m really sorry about that, so, do you want to go get some ice cream or something?”

“I would love to, but I kinda just started my paper for musical theory, and it’s due tomorrow.”

“Oh, damn,” You whistle, “Good luck with that…”

“Try calling Hansol? If he says he’s ‘busy’, just guilt trip him because he didn’t help me go look for you.”

Your heart twists at this, and you squeak out, “He didn’t?”

“Nah, that punk was too busy chatting it up with Eul. Can you believe that? He is such a fake friend. He didn’t even realize that you didn’t come back until like, four hours after you took off.”

Ouch.

“Man, looks like I have to go fight him then,” You say flatly, half-joking and half-serious.

“No worries, I already did. He looked pretty sorry about it, so I’m sure you can still use it against him. But if for some reasonhe still refuses, I’ll treat you to ice cream tomorrow. I have to get back to my work now though, tell me how it goes!”

“Alright, see you around Seungkwan~”

“What are you doing here?” Hansol whispers lowly, speaking through the small crack between the door and its frame.

“I’m here to hang out with my best friend, why else?” You explain, as if it were the most obvious thing, “The air conditioning in my dorm isn’t working, and Seungkwan shot me down, so you’re my next best choice.”

“Right now isn’t a good time, Y/N,” He hisses.

“Why not? Is there something you’re hiding?” Standing on the tips of your toes, you try to look inside his room.

“Uh…my room is, my room is really messy,” Hansol stutters, shifting to block your view, “I don’t want you to see, uh, yeah…”

You squint at him with a frown, “Are you lying to me right now?”

“Hansol, who is it?” A girl’s voice rings from inside, and you start to piece things together as Hansol clears his throat.

“Eul, is that you?” You call out. It can’t be, right? How would she have gotten that close to him so quickly? There’s no way–

A hand behind Hansol pulls the door wide open, and you’re greeted with a familiar, beaming bright smile. “Yeah, it’s me, Y/N! It’s good to see you!”

“Wow, no wonder you were trying to hide her from me,” You joke, “You wanted to get some alone time with a pretty girl.”

Hansol laughs awkwardly and waves his hands around, “No, it’s really not like that…”

“OH.” Eul snaps her fingers, “Are you uncomfortable with me being alone with him?”

“Huh?” You look at her in disbelief, “Why would I be?”

“Aren’t you two dating?”

“No!” Hansol exclaims, “It’s not like that. We’re just friends.”

“Oops, my bad then!” Eul sheepishly grins, “I didn’t mean to make things awkward.”

“Ooh, that kinda hurt, you said no so quickly. Is the thought of me being your girlfriend that painful?” You ask with a joking tone, but your intention is anything but a joke. Does he really think nothing more of me?

“A little yeah,” Hansol says, sticking his tongue out, “Now that you’ve found me out, are you going to come in? She’s teaching me how to bake that chocolate cake.”

“I’ll…pass. I don’t want to interrupt your date. I’ll just call Mingyu or something,” You say, backing away from the door, trying to ignore your heart clenching, “Don’t mind me.”

“Are you sure?” Eul frowns, “We can all bake together.”

“No no, it’s fine. I came here to escape the heat, but I think baking would make me hot right?” You knew your excuse sounded insincere and fake, but it was the only thing you could think of. “I’ll see you guys later then.”

Before they could ask anymore questions, you turned around and walked away, ignoring the pain in your chest.

“Hey Y/N, I have a question for you, can I ask it?”

A week had passed since then, and life resumed as normal. You’re working an afternoon shift at the local restaurant near the campus. There were hardly any people there, but it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary; you wouldn’t expect people to eat Italian food at three o’clock in the afternoon. Mingyu was standing with you and making small talk until he suddenly changed the subject.

“You just asked a question, Mingyu.” You roll your eyes playfully, “Go ahead and ask me while I’m splitting this check.”

“Do you like Hansol?”

You freeze, finger hovering over the monitor screen. Panic sparks and a million thoughts race through your mind at once while you quickly continue your work, “Why would you think that?”

“Ah, I don’t know why I asked that when I know the answer. Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who knows,” Mingyu continues, “So, how long have you liked him?”

You’re quiet for a moment before you answer, “Maybe two years?”

“Holy shit,” he breathes out, “Why haven’t you confessed? Hansol’s as dense as a solid block of metal. He’s not going to find out on his own.”

“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Besides, why do you care? You’ve never asked me about Hansol like this before.”

“Well…” Mingyu trails off and bites his lip nervously, “I don’t think I should say this…”

“Since you already started, just spit it out.” You sigh, “You can’t just raise my curiosity like that.”

“I…uhm, you’re right, but…” He sighs. He leans against the wall and frowns, “This is something you’re probably better off not knowing.”

“Mingyu–”

“Hansol likes Eul.” Mingyu blurts out, but once he realizes what he’s said, he immediately clamps his mouth shut, pressing it into a thin line. He doesn’t look away though, gauging your reaction.

“Hansol…what?” Waves of shock resonate through your body as the words repeatedly echo in your head. Your heart drops.

Hansol likes Eul. Hansol likes Eul.

“He, uh, told me yesterday. I ran into him while he was grocery shopping with her, and when she went to the bathroom, he asked me for advice…I mean, he didn’t mention her specifically, but it was pretty obvious.”

I knew it.

Your vision begins to blur, and your surroundings began to tilt back and forth slightly.

“Y/N, are you alright?” You could feel a hand grab your upper arm, and you stumble towards it.

“I’m…I’m going to go…” You lean in towards Mingyu’s support, and he offers you a sad smile.

“I understand. I’ll finish this check for you. Do you want me to take you home?”

“I…” The idea of sitting on a crowded transit bus in your current state was certainly not appealing, so you mutter, “Can you?”

“Of course. Just go get your stuff and wait up for me, okay?” Mingyu pats your head and sighs, “I’m sorry you had to find out this way.”

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Hey Y/N.”

“What?”

“Y/N hey.”

“Don’t make me get up and leave, Hansol. What do you want?” You retort, swirling your straw around in your drink.

“Wow, so cruel. I barely saw you this last month and you’re being so rude,” Hansol laughs back, “What’s up though? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’ve been busy,” You reply. To be honest, you were avoiding him. After your conversation with Mingyu, you began to distance yourself further and further away from Hansol. Whenever you could, you would make an excuse to not see him, and if you had no reason to leave, you would stay as far away from him as possible. Nearly everyone had picked up on it, but no one said anything. It was as if they all sympathized with you and tried to help you through it. “How have you been though?”

“Pretty good, though finals are kicking my ass. You?”

“Same as you I guess,” Does this count as lying if it’s only half of a truth? Biting your lip, you hesitate before asking your question, “Have you made any progress with Eul?”

“Ah…” Hansol sheepishly rubs the back of his neck and smiles, “Well, I confessed…”

“And…?” You grit your teeth together, knowing what was to come.

“We’re dating now!”

No amount of preparation could have braced you for his words as you feel your heart constrict. Your eyes sting, and a lump forms in your throat, pushing you closer and closer to sobbing. Sure, you had already learned from Mingyu that Hansol liked Eul, but having them become official was…it. You no longer had even the tiniest sliver of a chance with him anymore.

“Honestly, she’s the sweetest. She gets so shy and cute whenever I do something for her, and she’s patient with me whenever I screw up,” Hansol continues, not seeing your reaction, his eyes glittering as he motions excitedly with his hands, “We have a lot of similar interests and she’s just, like, the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” You stand up abruptly, chair hitting the wall behind you loudly, and your hands curl around the edge of the table. People begin to look your way, but you ignore them.

“Hey, are you okay? You’re shaking.” Hansol stands up as well to reach out to you, but you turn away from him.

“I’m…not feeling well. Too many all nighters I guess?” You ignore your cracking voice and force out a laugh, but all that comes out is a choking sound, “I’m going back to my dorm.” You take a step forward and nearly stumble, and you curse yourself in your head.

Hansol puts his arm around you to steady you with a concerned look, “I’ll walk you back. I wouldn’t want you passing out.”

“I’m fine. Just leave me alone, please.” You muster all of your strength to push him away, and with a smile, you walk away.

You’re wrapped up in a blanket, every part of you covered except your eyes. The only light that is on in your room is the light from the laptop as you watched movie after movie, with varying amounts of brightness as scene by scene flickered by. You would hate to admit it, but you had been in this state for the past couple of days after Hansol’s revelation. 

For the past few days, you didn’t set a foot outside your dorm room, and you hadn’t communicated with anyone. You would get up to eat, go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and go to your bed and sleep, only to start the same routine the next day. Your phone was laying somewhere around the house, and on the first day it was ringing nonstop, but you didn’t bother to touch it. After a while, it silenced, though you didn’t know if it was from your phone dying or if the person who was calling stopped. Either way, you couldn’t be bothered with it, or anything else for that matter.

Your dorm has started looking more and more like a tornado had torn through it with each passing hour. Empty ramen bowls and water bottles littered the floor, and amidst all of it, you were sitting on the floor in front of your computer as you watched yet another film.

“It was almost as if it were a scene from a dream. Nothing more, nothing less than a beautiful view.”

The starry, beautifully drawn sky sparkled before your eyes, and just as a streak of light from a comet swept across the screen, a streak from a tear appeared on your face. 

“Jeez, Hansol, wasn’t this your idea? I’ve been waiting here for half an hour,” you grumble, voice jittery from the cold. Your hands were shoved into your pockets, and your scarf was pulled up above your nose to protect yourself from the frigid December air. 

“Sorry,” he smiles sheepishly, “I went to see if I could get my hands on some hot chocolate for us, but the nearest store was closed, so…I had to walk a little farther.” He hands you a hot cup, which you immediately reach for to warm up your hands, “Forgive me?”

“Fine, fine,” You mutter and drink the cocoa, delighting in its warmth, “So what’s up today? Why did you tell me to come out at 11pm at the park when it’s below freezing? It’s technically not even open right now.”

“I felt like doing some stargazing tonight,” Hansol explains between sips, “With you.”

You nearly choke, but you catch yourself in time. “A-alright, where are we going to watch it?”

“Follow me.”

After a five minute walk, Hansol stops and lays out the blanket he had been carrying under his arm. The spot is a little overhang, partially obscured by trees so that it was unlikely that people would have been able to discover it. Here, the sky seemed to stretch on for miles and miles, and you had a view of the city, lit by the lights of towers and buildings. You and Hansol sit down, side by side, in a comfortable silence as you enjoy the sight around you, with another blanket wrapped around you two.

He speaks first, “The boys and I were playing soccer one day when Hoshi kicked the ball to hard and it ended up here. We thought it was just a shady looking wooded area, so we played rock paper scissors to see who had to get it, and I lost. I ended up finding this place though. I didn’t tell them I found it because it felt like my little secret…but I felt like I had to share it.”

You didn’t even have a chance to say anything when he started talking again. “Again, sorry it’s so cold today. But isn’t the scenery beautiful?”

Looking at the alluring sapphire sky, without a cloud in the sky, twinkling with stars, moon shining brightly, you’re drawn in, getting pulled in the more you look at it. You tear your attention away from it and glance at Hansol, and then, you’re even more awestruck.

His eyes were shining, basked in the moonlit night, brighter than the stars, and full of fascination as he gazed forward. Quietly, you mutter, “Yeah, it really is.”

You two sit together for a while and finish your hot chocolates until he speaks up, “Do you see the constellations?”

“Uh, not really no. I’ve never really…stargazed before.”

“Well, right over there is Gemini, you see? The one that looks kinda like a U.”

You scan the sky, looking in the general direction Hansol’s pointing, but nothing really sticks out to you. “I don’t see it.”

“Hmm…” He’s suddenly right next to you, arm linked with yours and chin on your shoulder, “Over there,” he says, tilting your face towards where he was pointing to before.

His hands are still warm, you note, even though it’s cold. Your eyes look straight ahead, and you can barely make out the faint outline of a U-shaped constellation. “Oh, I can see it now!”

“Yeah, and right next to it, if you look closely, you can see Orion. See those three really bright stars next to each other? That’s his belt.”

You shift your sights slightly and you see that constellation as well. “It’s pretty,” you comment, but your mind starts to think about something other than stars. “But why did you ask me to come with you? Wonwoo would probably know more about stars and stuff than I would. Not that I’m not enjoying this or anything, but don’t you feel like you’re talking to a dud?”

“Of course not. I wanted to do this with you because this is special to me, and you’re also special to me. You’re my closest friend, you know.”

“Aw, so you like me better than Seungkwan?” You joke and nudge him with your elbow. 

He nudges you back, grinning from ear to ear, “Yeah, don’t tell him that. He’d be pissed.”

“He’d be like, ‘Woww, after all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me? Unbelievable.’” You both burst into laughter after your impersonation of Seungkwan.

“Oh my God, if he heard you, we’d be dead meat.”

“We won’t die if you don’t tell him.”

“Fair point.” Hansol laughs, then leans his head against you again. “Honestly though, if I were to date any girl, it’d totally be you.”

You jolt and push him away immediately, “Where the hell did that come from?” You thank God that it was dark, otherwise Hansol would’ve been able to see how much your cheeks were flushed.

“Just a thought. But dude, we’d be unstoppable. We’d even be able to defeat Seungkwan and–wait, Y/N look! A shooting star!” You turn your head to the sky, and a dazzling white streak of light shoots by, leaving a thin trail in its stead.

“Don’t forget to make a wish,” Hansol says, closing his eyes, and you do the same, your own wish said in your mind:

I wish we could stay just like this. 

Can time stop for me, just this once, for this moment?

“Y/N? Open the door, I know you’re in here.”

The dull pounding of the door (and your head) wakes you up. Somehow, you’d fallen asleep while watching the movie, and you look at the time on your laptop. It’s late morning, but already, your stomach goes sick with dread.

Don’t open the door. You tell yourself, however, you somehow find yourself walking towards the door and opening it.

Hansol stands there, looking handsome as always, but his eyes are lined with dark circles. Your heart twists looking at him, but you stand your ground and shift your eyes away.

“Are you okay? You haven’t replied to my texts or picked up my calls…I’ve been so worried. I kept coming here to check on you but you wouldn’t open the door. You looked pretty sick last time I saw you.”

“I’m fine.” 

“You’re not. No one’s seen you for four days. I even asked your RA to check up on you, but she said you didn’t want to see anyone. What’s wrong?”

“Listen, nothing’s wrong. And even if there was something wrong, why do you care?” You spat, venom already welling up in your voice.

“Why do I care? You’re my best friend, Y/N, of course I would care.” He moves forward, as if he was going to brush the hair out of your face, but you step back. He sighs.

“You’ve been so distant from me lately. Whenever there was something wrong, I’d always come to you, and you’d always talk to me as well. I’ve known you for so long, I know that something’s wrong. Why…” His voice breaks, and you make eye contact with him, right away seeing frustration, hurt, and sadness. “Why have you been avoiding me?”

“I haven’t been avoiding you–”

“Yes you have! I didn’t say anything last time since I was happy you even came out, but…did I do something? Did I fuck up?”

You feel horrible instantly, “No, no it isn’t your fault…I just…” You take a huge breath and clench your hands into fists. “If you really want to know, I’ll tell you.”

“Of course I want to know! Tell me, I promise I won’t judge. I’ll listen.”

“Okay I…” Your heart is pounding faster than a drum, and you feel sick to your stomach. Your breaths are shaky and uneven when they come out, and you look him in the eye again before you say it.

“Remember when you said that if you were to date any girl, it would be me?”

Hansol nods slowly, yes, he remembers. “What about it?”

“That doesn’t stand anymore, does it?” You state, already knowing the answer. His eyes hold onto yours, amber and golden, in confusion, not quite knowing where this was going. You don’t even wait for him to confirm it, and, trembling, you are finally able to utter the words that you regret not saying before.

“I like you.”

There’s a beat of silence, and you glue your eyes to the floor. Your eyes are already burning, and you’re telling yourself no, no, don’t cry. Not in front of him.

“What?” He’s stunned, eyes blown wide, and mouth agape. You see so many things flash through his face, shock, guilt, and maybe even sadness. “Y/N–”

“I’m sorry,” You’re shaking like a leaf now, unable to hold back your emotions, “but I don’t think I’ll be able to see you anymore.”

And with that, you shut the door and break down into sobs, wishing that things had turned out differently.

[justwritingscibbles]

The Request List

Hey dolls, so everyone can see what fics that are going to be written I made this list.  If you don’t see your request, please notify me so I can add it. Only if you sent it in when the requests were open. 

Thanks everyone!!

Darkiplier: 

-Male x Male!Reader wedding

- Dark talking a female reader out of suicide. I think after antagonizing her?

-Could you write a sequel to A Battle of Seduction where the reader manages to seduce Dark?

-I have a... dirty request... What about a Dark x Reader where he shows ownership with a collar and even has a leash for the Reader when he really wants something. Sorry I just... need more stuffs like that (>//<)

-For requests, could you do smut where the (non gender specific) reader is in a romantic relationship w/dark and they have a celebrity crush they always gush over and say how amazing the celeb is and one day dark *ahem* portrays how he feels about his S/O liking someone else so much. I hope this makes sense and I don't mind what you choose for the ending and if it's sfw/nsfw.

-Getting a request in because your writing is awesome! Female reader and Dark nsfw with some fluffy aftercare would be cool. Thanks!

-For requests, could you do smut where the (non gender specific) reader is in a romantic relationship w/dark and they have a celebrity crush they always gush over and say how amazing the celeb is and one day dark *ahem* portrays how he feels about his S/O liking someone else so much. I hope this makes sense and I don't mind what you choose for the ending and if it's sfw/nsfw.

-Getting a request in because your writing is awesome! Female reader and Dark nsfw with some fluffy aftercare would be cool. Thanks!

-Since you accidentally got rid of the request list. I would like to see a sequel to the Tea Party fic, where Mark explains to (Y/N) who Dark is, and when he takes over again (Y/N) asks him if he wants to play Hide and Go Tag and makes him change before they go outside because (Y/N) doesn't want his nice suit to get dirty

-Could pls do a bullet fic about what it would be like to be the daughter of darkiplier I feel like he would spoil her so she always choose him over her uncle Wilford...if ur not busy it anything I just kind of want another opinion before I write a fic around this idea

Antisepticeye: 

-How about an angst fic with a fem reader and Anti where the reader witnesses one of Anti's complete meltdown/glitchouts for the first time and tries to help him, but ends up getting hurt.

-Oh my god my ask cut off I'm so sorry If I could make a request, Anti with a S/O who is typically very tense and anxious but completely melts when someone plays with their hair? Like he discovers that and now constantly plays with it

-Can we get more SO (nonbinary) fighting with Anti please? The end is up to you though. Whether it turns out okay or not.

-High-key need HC's for Anti dating someone who is super awkward (if you do spontaneous HC's -help me fuel my love for him. I need all the ideas I can get when I start writing about him- I really love all your stories by the way omg.)

Natemare: 

-Sequeal to ‘Caught with your pants down’

-OOOOOOO REQUESTS ARE OPEN!!!!!!!!! Can i request a NSFW with Natemare with a female reader!!! Maybe like Natemare kidnapped the reader away from Nate because he's lonely AF. Idk just an idea!

-Ho, requests are open? Lovely! Since you turned me into natemare trash (thanks for that btw), natemare using dirty talk on s/o while she's relaxing, or whatever seeing if he can use his voice alone to make her come. Afterwards he just has that smug look on his face like "told ya so :)" cause you know hes one kinky boi. Why yes, you can make this as NSFW as you want! Please and thank you!

-I heard requests were open, and i love your writing. I would love if you could do NSFW with Mare and a female reader? Ive became Mare trash and need more of him in my life. It can be romantic or just fuck buddies. Thank you in advance

-Hi, I sent the request about comforting natemare about his scars before. I guess I might as well add the specifics now: sfw, fluff/hurt and comfort, no gender preference, either platonic or romantic (my view of what constitutes as platonic is broader than most people's, so it would probably be easier to just write romantic)

-Never requested a smutty thing but fuck it let's make sure I'm going to hell as the new queen. Anyways, I've read an old ask talking about Mare fingering the reader with his smoke in public and I was wondering if you could do this (if you haven't of course). NSWF with female reader and maybe having dinner in public. And the relationship is romantic.

-I'm Natemare trash and darned proud of it! It's a female reader paired with Natemare. Reader has a bad day, Natemare picks at her, reader warns him to stop, the little hellion doesn't listen, reader explodes at him and really hurts his feelings. He's sensitive, you know. So, now reader must make it up to him. -Chinadoll

-I'm not sure if I want SFW or not. If it were to be NSFW, it would be the reader showering Natemare with affection and focusing on his pleasure, not her own. If you can make NSFW work for you, by all means, add it. However, if you think the fic would be better without it, that's fine too. Is it okay to leave it up to you? If you'd rather it be solely my decision, I'll decide :) So random question: have you ever watched the anime "Rurouni Kenshin"? -Chinadoll

- Gender Preference: Female NSFW or SFW: SFW Fluff/Smut/Angst/Other: Whatever you wish to write so long as it is not fluff or smut. Characters: - Yin Embodiment of my negative emotions. She is mostly calm and patient but if provoked, she will attack ferociously, either with shadows (she's a umbrakinetic) or with her weapon; a curtain pole. There are things from me or my childhood that I have applied to Yin: ☯ Dislikes dresses and skirts. She'll wear anything but dresses or skirts. She mostly wears a shirt, a jacket over the top and black pants/leggings and boots. - Natemare (I'M NATEMARE TRASH OKAY I'M SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME) Description of Story: (Feel free to make up your own story. I like to give creative freedom to people I request to/commission.) Relationship: None please.

The Host:

-Because I am utter garbage for him, can we get some love for the Host? Can we have the host and a newly blind SO fluff, with him assuring her that just because she can't see anymore doesn't change anything about their relationship? Please and thank you!

-Can we get host angst? Like, recently after he lost his sight and he breaks a little because he can't see his (nonbinary) SO anymore and it makes him sad.

-Could you do a Host x reader where the reader had a bad day and breaks down, and the host helps to comfort her? Sfw, fluff, romantic relationship, and female reader please! Thank you!

Apocalypse:

-Could you do something of where it's A x fem!reader but reader's dating this jerk who abuses her but she keeps it from A so he wouldn't worry or yell at her until one day she doesn't go see him and he takes it to his own hands to see her only to see abusive boyfriend hurting her?

-Honestly I just need some more A in my life so I was wondering if you could do A and a male reader, and how they first met??

Gear:

-Can I request an asexual female reader getting aphobic comments from someone (asexuality isn't a thing, you just haven't met the right person yet, the classic "i could change that" implying sex could fix them, that sort of thing) and A/gear ((both would be nice or your choice if you don't want to)) help them out? Platonic would be great, but romantics cool too

Poly-Relationships: 

-Could you make a story with a poly with dark and anti where they find out that the reader was physically abused by their parent when they went to visit them again? (Gender neutral pronouns) Thank you hun

-What if you wrote a fanfic where Darkiplier, Anti, or Natemare (your choice) was chilling out around the reader- just anywhere in the same house- and the reader is on their phone. But what the twist is- is that the noises of adoration the the reader makes whenever they see a cute or cool post- sounds like different types of sensual moans, and since the reader has never done this before, this is the first time one of the dark!bois is discovering it and they hear it throughout the house.

-I fell in love with the idea of the big poly relationship between the reader and the dark boy and I was wondering if you have any more headcanons?

 -What would a poly relationship between Wilford and Anti include?

-Dark/Anti sequel to ‘Intellectual Jealousy’

-How about a fluff story where Anti and Mare are snuggling with the reader, who gets up for a glass of water or something, but the boys are so comfy they don't immediately notice and cuddle with each other for a little bit. (And maybe the reader snaps a photo to prove it happened)

-Maybe poly anti and dark helping a nb SO through a panic attack? Or just helping SO calm down and relax in general please? Thank you! female reader, poly romance with Dark and Anti, something sfw and fluffy? Idk? Cuddles? 

-hi, so this request is based off an ask that i saw another ano post. could you write a story about Anti and Dark suddenly switching personalities and how Mark and Jack react. IDK it could be cool

-Could you write something (sfw-ish?) where anti and dark are trying to out-do each other for the reader's birthday and they both buy her expensive lingerie sets in their favorite colors, and insist she 'pick her favorite'. So she goes to change and they're both good, but to avoid the argument either wears bra from one and panties from the other, or comes back just stark naked. (Please dont publish this as to spoil it for readers). If you want to.

-Nsfw poly relationship with Dark and Anti with a non binary reader?

-Since requests are open and I hope you accept this. Female, SFW, Fluff, Natemare and Anti having a prank war and poor Reader got in the middle and takes revenge on the two by making it seem like the other until she pranks both at the same time, and Poly relationship.

-If requests are open, could I see a gender neutral reader with a poly Anti and Dark relationship and the reader likes to walk around in their shirts? What do they do the first time they see them do it? (Can b nsfw, I love your writing either way xx)

-Google and Bingsepticeye having a debate to impress their gender neutral s/o if requests are still up

-Also idk if I sent this already before but Bingiplier and Bingsepticeye poly-relationship hcs with a female reader

-Is requests open? If they are could possibly do a poly relationship with Natemare, Dark, and Anti? Hopefully a bullet fic? Swf or nwsf (I totally spelled that wrong I'm sorry) or both. And gender neutral? Sorry this is choppy with my ask, I'm trying to stick to the rules as best as possible. (And if requests are open, you can ignore this!)

-Can you write a thing plz where the reader is super sensitive to sound, and has been overstimulated, and dark and Anti are being too loud? Maybe it leads to a panic attack or something? (Bonus if they haven't seen the reader in a panic attack-y situation before?) Poly!ship, plz!!

-Hi! I'd like to send in a request pretty please. I hope I'm sending it in the right format. Nonbinary reader, he/they/it pronouns please(specific, I know, but hey), SFW, angst. Poly for the win, reader being with Natemare and Dark. Reader is going through a really tough time, to the point that they barely wanna get out of bed, and one day, either Mare or Dark finds a notebook filled with drafts of really disturbing goodbye notes. What happens next?

Teamiplier:

-Can I request fem!reader fluffy platonic tickle fight with mark and/or teamiplier? Also your writing is so good and adorable and I love you byyyeeee!!!! Also sorry if I did this wrong! Sorry!

-Fem!reader, high school au? Were she gets bullied and MET sees, Mark and Tyler run to the bully aggressively while Ethan goes to comfort you. It's SFW and a platonic relationship. If you need anything else just let me know!

Preference: 

-You should do a preference thingy like the jealousy one you did. Except it's like, what they boys do when the reader cries. Gender neutral of course!

Wilford Warfstache:

-You should do a preference thingy like the jealousy one you did. Except it's like, what they boys do when the reader cries. Gender neutral of course! 

Yanderelplier:

-I need more yandereplier so... Him with a gender neutral s/o who is very outgoing and is very flirtatious

-If your taking requests would it be ok to ask for another "dating would include" with yandereplier?

-Would it be ok to request something with yandereplier? Like his SO is spending a lot of their time with Dark/Anti/Natemare (your choice) and he get jealous so he tries to win them over/show them that he can do so much more for them than the others? (I sorry if it's to specific and weird! I just really love your writing ;^; ) Thank you!

Ethan: 

-Hey can you write an Ethan × fem reader imagine where she shaves her legs and shes like excited and just like makes Ethan feel then and she's just really excited and not in a sexual way but Ethan gets all blushy bc I live for that cute shit 😪

[fataziraphale]

Okay, but Ryouta and Impostor for the ask meme

YESSSSSSSSSS

(note for a wayward reader: I know I interact with a lot of DR kin communities on here but Im answering these solely as me writing about fictional characters and they way they’re portrayed in canon with some distance between me and them ok)

ryotageneral opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them * | actual love of my life * (maybe somewhere in between this one and the next one? love them.5? what a good character. I am such a fan. a very relatable man)hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang* (def not my type. I’m sure he would objectively look nice though if he wasn’t, you know, literally dying? like he’d be very handsome with such luxury beauty products as Ever Eating Or Sleeping In His Life)hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffhe’s a hard worker and wants to help people, so definitely some hufflepuff tendencies in there, and there’s a LOT of slytherin in him: using the hope video, agreeing to junko’s sketchy ass offer so he can succeed in his ambition. but ultimately, the way he decides to help people is with his brain and his creativity. he doesn’t love people so much as an abstract idea of wanting to help people, and the most important thing to him isn’t them, but his anime. that’s ravenclaw.best quality: from a “I like this character trait when I see it in a character in a show I’m watching” perspective, he has SO MANY of the same mental issues as I do and I find it SO CATHARTIC TO SEE PORTRAYED and useful for coping like. obsession with saving others to the detriment of his own wellbeing, check. doing weird, manipulative things to try to save others even if it’s not really moral, check. intense guilt for something that wasn’t his fault, check. being really fucked up and traumatized after someone told him he should feel guilty for this thing, check. being stressed out and exhausted due to the amount of work he puts on himself, check. we are very similar. I appreciate it a lot. I love characters that are like me, because I’m ultimately obsessed with myself (as is ryota a lil bit). I also love that he’s shy and anxious and awkward but a lil bit of a dick anyway. like you think he doesn’t associate with people because of anxiety, but he honestly just doesn’t like people. it makes me smile. I really love ryota mitarai????worst quality: I have a hard time understanding how he could feel safe with Junko after she destroyed his DVDs. like, I get why he would be like “being sealed away in this sketchy ass place away from all people or sunlight? PERFECT” but… why would he just accept the offer of someone who destroyed his property, things that HE LOVED AND CARED ABOUT, in front of him? he seemed really scared of her, and then just… wasn’t? idk.ship them with: IMPOSTER!!! I also enjoy scenarios where people write imposter/ryota/ibuki stuff. I know some people include mikan in that, but I have a little trouble believing ryota would be totally okay with mikan after what she did to him? like even though she’s not brainwashed anymore, I’d imagine being around her would be kind of triggering for him, like it would take a lot of time for him to feel safe around her again… I also think I saw a fic once that was Ryota/Seiko where they were sharing stories of being emotionally abused and trying to cope together and that was nice.brotp them with: imposter and ibuki in scenarios where it isn’t romantic.needs to stay away from: I’m very uncomfortable when people ship him with Junko. I’ve also seen some Ryota/Naegi, and I don’t think that would be very healthy tbh… Ryota idolizes him so much that I don’t think it could be anything but a really unbalanced relationship, and as kind as he is, I’m not sure Naegi is ready to care for someone with mental issues as intense as Ryota’s.misc. thoughts: im love him? his character arc is definitely my favorite thing about DR3. I just feel like he’s very realistically written and relatable and likable and charming and ,,, I love that Imposter was given a friend I love that his healing is tied up with the idea that “fats and sugars” are good things I love introverted villains I just,,, love

impostergeneral opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life (like yeah hes me but before I had this whole internet mod twogami persona for YEARS I was like…. my ideal boyfriend. perfect. the hottest man I have ever seen. I saw a man so beautiful I started crying)hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang(for reference, im ace and very sex repulsed when it comes to the idea of fucking men. but. yes.)hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffI appreciate when people sort him into Ravenclaw, and I see where they’re coming from – he’s the type of person who thinks before acting and likes things to be methodically planned. He fights bad situations with logic and organization. But when it comes down to it, Imposter is motivated by doing the right thing. He wants to save his classmates from death. He wants to save Ryota. It doesn’t matter that he has no personal ties to these people when he’s doing it; there is no doubt in his mind that saving them is the right thing to do. He has no trouble jumping rashly into a situation if he’s sure it’s the right thing, either; he pushes Nagito out of the way without a second thought. He’s such a heroic person,,,best quality: I know this stupid and shallow but I literally cannot get over the fact that he is canonically a feedee… I will never be over it. The fact that when Akane suggests there might be something wrong with his weight he is HORRIFIED by the prospect of weight loss and announces, “Do you know how much money I spent sculpting my physique?” like he canonically got this fat on purpose, he loves food with all of his soul, he believes “fats and sugars are the only thing you can believe in”… and then he’s still an incredibly interesting, complex character with a storyline that has nothing to do with that??? I can’t believe it???? I’ve never seen such good fat representation in my life, let alone a feedee being represented, I just ?????????????? the best thing ever???????worst quality: honestly I don’t,,, dislike anything about him rip. I do think the writers maybe shouldn’t have showed us his true appearance, at least not in such an anticlimactic moment? especially bc he never used that look again, like… if they were going to do it, I would think he would be himself on the boat, but he was just Togami again? it didn’t serve that much of a purpose in the story imo. if they were gonna do it, it should have been more intimate and emotional.ship them with: ryota and ibuki !!! either poly or seperately, I’m not fussed. imposter/hajime is also adorable, like I used to be really really into that ship even though I’m not so much anymorebrotp them with: same as above hahaneeds to stay away from: idk??? like imposter isn’t a very social person, but I don’t really think his relationship with any character is super unhealthy or anything. I just want him to be around people who give him love and support,,, the only thing I do note is that back in the day there was some discourse about the translation of some line Ibuki has in SDR2, about whether she’s saying he would make a good boyfriend or that he would make a good boyfriend despite his weight? I don’t see Ibuki as the kind of person who would prefer him slim, but he needs to stay away from anyone who thinks that way, period.misc. thoughts: the greatest best most beautiful character in the world,, also, me. but like… I love that he too has this obsession with saving people that manifests really differently, but is ultimately very similar to Ryota’s? I love that they have parallel arcs that intersect? I love that they support each other? I love that ultimately HE’S THE ONE WHO SAVES THE DAY in DR3? I love the twist of him being an imposter? I love the way he acts as Togami? I love the way he acts as himself? I love the way he’s so food positive always, I love the fact that he thinks everyone else is too thin and never struggles with his own weight, I just… wish he’d gotten more screentime in DR2 because the fact that they killed him immediately 1. made very sad 2. is frustrating bc of wasted potential 3. is kind of fatphobic bc they… killed their two fat characters in one fell swoop right away and then went on to write NO fat characters in dr3 or ndrv3 but… what can u do. im still love him

[moidse]

Okay so, I feel bad like I’m withholding information... I have a lot of insecurities about non-monogamy/poly and I’ve never explained this to you.  I just keep noticing a reoccurring anxiety is what if I just can’t do non-monogamy and the negative thoughts and anxieties never fade away? How long am I willing to feel uncomfortable about this? What is my own limit for trying to see if this will work? 

[[I have a history of not stating my own boundaries, wants, and needs, in a relationship out of fear of the other person realizing we aren’t compatible and leaving me. I would rather endure a relationship I only kinda am into then be single. I hate the idea of being single. Which is also why i never break up with the other person. 

I feel like I date people to prove something to myself... although with the person im with now I think it’s the least like that, I genuinely believe they are a mostly healthy influence, aside from the heavy drinking, in my life. (wait, i kind of am with them to prove i’m not just a fukboi, and also in the beginning i was really trying because i don’t o*** for them and i felt bitter at the idea of this not working out and i dropped my fuk buddy 4 this... but i have ended up catching feelings for them..) Like, it’s been so long I can admit I only was with o**** because I was insecure that with the fact that I hadn’t been in a relationship since I was 18. I felt very ashamed that I had only 1 relationship and it was toxic and that was the only person I had had sex with and been in a romantic relationship with. I felt like that in itself was evidence that I am not worthy of love and am hard to love and will be alone forever. That’s definitely a big part as to why I rushed into dating O***. I desperately wanted to be able to say I’ve had a recent relationship. I felt so ashamed to say yeah my last relationship was 5 years ago. I felt like that was evidence that I am not easy to date, i have always carried that knowledge as though it were proof that I’m broken and you probably shouldn’t even try dating me... when it doesn’t necessarily mean that. I live in a smaller city for 1. And I do believe I needed to work on myself to a degree but I’m not broken and unlovable and at a point of no return. Also that person really messed up my self-esteem so I wasn’t ready to date again for a while and that is okay and normal after your first break up. I just have always felt like I should be experiencing more in my love life at the age that I am--- and tbh says who? the colonizer heteronormative agenda? Cuz we all know queer ppl come out at different times and our timelines aren’t the same for what is considered normal... ]]

tbh I have had a history of jealousy and just issues with non-monogamy/poly since I started dating. So, my first relationship that was really bad and emotionally abusive,,, they later admitted to me that they were trying to be extra mean to me near the end to get me to break up with them and part of that extra mean routine was them asking if we could be poly and have the relationship be open... they later admitted to me and said they honestly only suggested that because they thought it would push me to end it... but i didn’t.... there was nothing they could do or say to get me to break up with them... i was already enduring emotional abuse.. I just was naive and set on the idea that we were gonna be together forever no matter what.... anyways, that first relationship started my first issues with being poly.. i was desperately convinced for so many years that I would end up back with this abusive person... we used to talk about trying it again... we were lowkey on and off for years... whenever they’d come back to dayton I would sleep with them and desperately wish and hope they’d take me back/even wanted me back... while they were poly and the main issue and excuse as to why we couldn’t be together was that I had issues with them being poly and so if i could just change and be more open minded then we could be together forever which is what my naive brain wanted more than anything.... during those years we were off and on i would creep on their social media and see all the different ppl they dated over the like 4-5 years i was still chasing them hoping we’d be back together... i would compare myself to the other people they were dating and just feel like they were my enemy... they were the reason why this person wasn’t in love with me and back with me... (which obviously now i can see none of this was true, but i was mentally and emotionally stuck on this person from ages like 18 until like now....I still very much so carry a lot of these mentalities) but I just had a very unhealthy POV of the other ppl they were with.. I directed my frustrations towards them when really that person just didn’t love me and i don’t believe they ever did love me... anyways... Ugh I also remember when I would hang with them whenever they’d talk about who ever their partner was at the time it would make me feel so insecure and ruin my fantasy that they were interested in me still or wanted me back... omg typing all of this out.. i can’t believe i did this for years... this is so sad.... I also remember further hating myself when comparing myself to the fact that they had dated countless ppl after me, they basically left me cuz they were into some trans dude, and seeing them on social media go through partner after partner i would constantly compare myself to them and think, how come they’ve had so many partners since we broke up and i’ve literally had none... this was something that ate away at me for years, this was evidence that i suck, im the problem, im not lovable... and it’s def why i was eager to jump into a relationship last year because it was the first time there had been mutual interest in dating since i was 18 and i was 23 and felt so ashamed that i hadn’t even come close to dating anyone since my first relationship....

Then that person I dated was poly too and I wasn’t very honest with them and acted like I was cool with it and then once they said they were going on a date with someone it was clear i was having anxiety panics about it and wasn’t okay with it... I did not do a good job at communicating why I wasn’t okay with it though. That whole relationship had poor communication... 

It’s like I understand on paper how non-monogamy makes sense. I understand that people can be in love with multiple people at the same time. But it’s like my emotions, anxieties, and insecurities don’t understand... 

I also just am worried like what if I’m just not good at non-monogamy? it’s not like I just naturally one day was like.. ya know what monogamy is stupid and I prefer non-monogamy! ... It was more like, I feel broken and hard to love and like I’m not good enough for anyone... and every single person i have a crush on is non-monogamous ... so .. i guess i’m non-monogam-ish ...cuz i don’t want to be alone... i guess it’s just like I feel so hard to love i wanna prove to myself I can be in a healthy relationship... which I believe I can and I deserve one... I just do not know if non-monogamy is what a healthy relationship for me looks like. I don’t want to be non-monogamist because I don’t want to be alone... that’s just sad.... 

[[I just have no interest in dating anyone else rn and I think it’s hard for me to understand that you do. I think that’s a big thing.  But like, if i was in your shoes and someone i was friends with, like if my one hot friend said they have a crush on me i would be like hell yea let’s see if this can work... it’s like i know if i were in your shoes I would do the same... ]]

it just sucks, my brain will not stop suggesting that you dating someone else means i’m not good enough. 

Anytime I even think about the fact you are dating someone else it gives me a lot of anxiety and i quickly try to think about something else and it’s just like... ugh that’s not a good feeling. I get so triggered and feel like i’m lesser than. 

I know these thoughts and feelings are just based off my past experiences... but I just have this fear of like what if I’m just not non-monogamous... l’ve never dated someone that was monogamous and I hate the idea that I’m just choosing this to please the other person because that is what i am doing right now at least... 

[[I feel like when I move to a bigger city being non-monogamous would make more since to me maybe... idk .. i haven’t had many relationships... i’ve never been dating someone and wanted to be with someone else... i feel like i can be very comfortable with just 1 person and i don’t need more... but i understand the idea of something falling into your lap and wanting to explore it... ]]

I think I could be non-monogamous, we just need to talk about so much more and I always feel anxious thinking about you dating someone else because I have not shared with you my past consistent issues with non-monogamy and i’m not sure how you’ll react...

From my last email you acknowledged you assumed I was fine with non-monogamy and you should’ve opened up a conversation-- and i agree i wish that would’ve happened-- and i guess this is me trying to open up this conversation because this stresses me out most days and I need this conversation to be open.. I just feel so insecure and my anxiety is awful and i feel like everyone knows im insecure about this and it’s fucking with me