#idk there's just So Much to untangle and So Many mental habits to break and it feels impossible. how can i undo 20 years of this.
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anyone else up feeling utterly overwhelmed or nah
#not to overshare on the internet but.#idk there's just So Much to untangle and So Many mental habits to break and it feels impossible. how can i undo 20 years of this.#like yeah ive already made some progress just in the last few years but thats just the very tip of the proverbial iceberg!!!!#every single day i find something else buried deep that i have to try and root out!!!!!!!!!!! literally every day!!!!!!!!!!!#im just. hrghhgh#i dont want to be fighting this for the rest of my life man. im so tired.#i think. the worst thing about this is. it feels like they still have a hold on me.#which is genuinely the most bone-chilling horrifying thought i have ever had.#i DONT regret leaving but man. if i fall back in. because everything familiar is there. i dont think i could rip myself away again.#because leaving the first time was hard enough. i don't think im strong enough to do it again.#genuinely terrifying. i hate living like this#getting the fuck out of this state canNOT happen soon enough. i swear to god#winter speaks#personal#<- sorry its very late at night <///3 im getting introspective and feeling frustrated
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