#idk we haven't settled on a ship name

[wildcardjoey]

Lizzie gave Pearl her heart AGAIN.

[sharp-teeth-and-archived]

* 𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐄 𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐋𝐓

NAME,   Cassie Maurice Roosevelt

NICKNAME,   give her one

GENDER, Cisfemale

ORIENTATION,   Demisexual, biromantic

PREFERRED  PET  NAMES,   No preferences

RELATIONSHIP  STATUS,   Single

FAVORITE  CANON  SHIP( S ),  Originally, when I first created her, I shipped her with Sean, but they have become more of a older brother-younger sister dynamic in my head, so none? I haven't really shipped her with anyone in the game. Usually Cassie falls into platonic or familal dynamics in general. I do want to write her in more romantic dynamics.

FAVORITE  NON-CANON  SHIP( S ),  It has to be @colecassiidy 's Cole. I haven't been able to get to our threads with Cassie for a bit, but I deeply enjoy their dynamic. They started out platonic, but as we started interacting it became increasingly obvious that Cole and Cassie liked each other more than friends. I love how we built up this whole backstory for them, how their fathers are similar but they are two different social classes, and how they are intertwined in their past, but met in the events of r.dr2, and how different they are, yet how they have remained the same. Their friendships and their feelings have basically remained the same through all of that, and idk I like the slow burn with them lmao.

OPINION  ON  TRUE  LOVE,   Cassie believes in it, even if she never experienced it herself as a default. Cassie doesn't know how true love couldn't exist entirely. Somewhere, someplace out there, true love exists for someone. With how many people are out there in the world, how isn't there her true equal that has nothing but sincere intentions? She has learned that life is hard and cutthroat, but in all that evil, there's goodness somewhere and that's what makes it all worth it to keep living.

OPINION  ON  LOVE  AT  FIRST  SIGHT,   Call her naive, but she does believe in love at first sight. She believes in the idea of soulmates. She thinks that if she has an other half, you would know immediately. There''s no denying it.

HOW  ‘ROMANTIC’  ARE  THEY,   Cassie is a hopeless romantic. She's not into PDA because of the standards and expectations she grew up in, but Cassie is very romantic. Cassie will express it, but she more of shows it through gift-giving and acts of service. Cassie wants to find someone she can pour her love into and someone who can do the same for her.

IDEAL  PHYSICAL  TRAITS,   Cassie doesn't really focus on physical traits, she's more into personality, but maybe a more of a gentle look? Youthful traits? Clean shaven? Lean? She prefers for someone to be taller than her.

IDEAL  PERSONALITY  TRAITS,   Gentle, kind, sensitive, good sense of humor, emotionally intelligent, hardworking, devoted.

UNATTRACTIVE  PHYSICAL  TRAITS,   This sounds so bad, but wrinkles, poor mouth hygiene, body odor, unkempt hair, dirty and muddy appearance

UNATTRACTIVE  PERSONALITY  TRAITS,   Cruel, self-righteous, narcissistic, manipulative, selfish, murderous, self-centered, egoistic, grumpy, hot tempered, unpredictable, possessive, jealousy.

IDEAL  DATE,   Just sitting down and talking anywhere. Preferably something more lowkey to where there won't be many distractions and more alone, quiet time. A walk by the water, sitting in a field, teaching someone about flowers and gardening, and doing an activity together that way.

DO  THEY  HAVE  A  TYPE,   Not really? I guess maybe either charming, sensitive people, or extroverted individuals. Just someone she feels safe around.

AVERAGE  RELATIONSHIP  LENGTH,   Long-term monogamous relationships. Usually she only toys with a relationship if she plans to marry the other person. Cassie hasn't had a relationship before though.

PREFERRED  NON-SEXUAL  INTIMACY,   Kissing the back of her hand or embracing her, usually just quiet intimacy.

COMMITMENT  LEVEL,   Cassie wants to settle down with someone. I think Cassie tends to draw toxic people towards her because of her empathetic and kind anture, so if she can see the best in them, if she can see their potential, it can turn ugly if she decides to get in a relaitonship with them because she's committed. Of course, she desn't stay in these relaitonships when they turn ugly, but when she loves you, Cassie loves you. But in a healthy scenario, she would commit herself to her partner with all of her heart.

OPINION  OF  PUBLIC  AFFECTION,   Cassie isn't comfortable with PDA. She prefers for affection to be exchanged alone or indoors just because of how she grew up, with how she has to be polite and reversed.

PAST  RELATIONSHIPS,   Cassie hasn't had a relationship before and maybe her idea of a romantic relationship is rose-tinted, very fairytale-esque, but I think having no prior relationship experience and coming from a manipulative father can be a bad motivator for anyone with bad intentions for Cassie in a relationship (just with her inexperience).

tagged by :  stole it

tagging : steal it if you want to

[sneakystorms]

@chernychnyi omg I'm honoured!!!! Tysm hehe

Three ships: head empty full of my guilty pleasure WaP crack ship... horny ooc Andrey/Anatole... And as I'm reading the idiot I'm also heavily side eyeing nastasya filipovna/aglaya Ivanovna. In fact I'm side eyeing nastasya filipovna/varvara ardalionovna too because nastasya has some peak problematic sapphic seducer energy in general but admittedly the former ship has more textual evidence. Dude i swear usually I have more dumb anime ships in my head lol idk how it's all russian classics rn???

Last song: I'm gonna be real I have not listened to any of my other jams since I discovered Natasha Pierre and the great comet of 1812. It's just been on repeat in my mind it's starting to get concerning. Letters is the current favourite

Last movie: watched the menu with friends a while ago it was really good!

Currently reading: ok right now it's more than usual because I just bought (and am about to finish) the great comet book. It's wonderful. I'm also listening to a polish audiobook of the idiot (Boris thegoldfinch tribute + Nijinsky fromreallife tribute one hit combo) at work and reading a streetcar named desire (library loan so it takes precedence) as well as the Spanish inquisition (charity shop find with a BEAUTIFUL cover) during lunch breaks and finally slowly bit by bit making my way through Freud's three essays on the theory of sexuality. Wow what a flex I swear I haven't consumed books at this rate since I was 12!!!!

Currently watching: not really in the middle of any series rn, but a few days ago flb and I watched ep 1 of Columbo. We collectively decided it was kind of a trainwreck lmao

Currently consuming: about to go downstairs and heat up the leftover chicken congee flb made me for my tummyache... Bless that woman fr

Currently craving: war and peace fanfiction but only the hyperspecific one I make up in my head when bored at work. I'll settle for some hot tea tho

Tagging @frozenladybug @phanta-friends DO IT DO IT

[loki-is-my-kink-awakening]

For your new year writing asks!

Combining a few questions, curious about your fandoms! Who are the major ships you hope to write for this year? (Knowing, sometimes ships just come out of the blue. *Cough* Lokius *cough*)

Also: By the end of this year, you want your fandom to think of you as “that author who _______.”

Hey, @insert-witty-user-name-here. Thank you for the ask. You always make me think hard and I appreciate it because it makes me consider things deeply.

Major ships I want to write this year:

1. Lokius

I think about Lokius still to this very day. I just need to see them on my dash and it's like, oh, and immediately I'm thinking how they should be together and how it needs to be canon.

In terms of fic writing, I have a good few things I want to write for them this year. (Funny how we say, "write for them," like it's a gift to them, but anyway.)

I need to look at what ones I want to have written and published before S2 comes out. It's a ticking time bomb.

I haven't forgotten about the wip.

Sorry, I kinda got distracted by other ships for a bit. It happens, I guess.

2. Jaskier and ?

I'm definitely going to write more of Jaskier because I love him so much. I'm a big Geraskier shipper. There's lots of angst that comes from the show to feed off of with them as a pairing.

I've also fallen in love with writing Jaskier with fanon Sam the Baker and also with Eskel. So, my list of possible pairings for him is growing. (He's a lover; what did I expect?)

A week ago (I think), I wrote about Jaskier and the Countess de Stael, which isn't something I thought I would write, but I did.

I expect to write more pairings because if my boy can't get his witcher, he's not going to be single.

3. Steddie

I have 6k of an outline for a ghost fic already and I wanna write it. I need to tweak the outline a bit and then just write it.

Plus a good few Steddie one shots that's are half written. 🙈 They will see the light of day at...some point.

4. A yet unknown OFMD ship

I've signed up for the OFMD reverse big bang, so who knows what I'll end up writing and what pairing. I'll find out fairly soon.

Also, with the next season due this year, I can only assume I will want to write more.

I do have a priest AU Blackbonnet fic I started and then didn't flesh out at all. The dust has firmly settled on that one, I think.

5. Atreidaho

I really want to finally write my Atreidaho fic idea before Dune part 2 comes out. I'll probably only write this one thing for this ship and then that's it, but I feel like I need to do it.

6. Priley

I haven't forgotten about them. I want to do more/finish my wip, but I also want to explore my headcanon that Riley left the island because he couldn't stand not being with the priest.

By the end of this year, I want to be known as:

I'm spitballing, but

That author who writes about grief? Since that seems to be a recurring theme.

Someone who likes to put characters under a microscope to hyper focus on their emotional and psychological drivers? 🤷‍♂️

Or as someone who likes to challenge themselves by writing about tricky subject areas? 🤔

Idk, the above may be total nonsense. It's really hard to view this objectively.

The asks if you wanna see them/reblog

[bumblebeesdoorwings]

tf ask

7, 8, 12, 14, 16, 17, 23, 24, 29, 33 aand 40

feel free to skip some!! because this is a lot!!! but i would love to hear your answers on any of these <3

OOOOOOOOOO!

7. Favorite show(s)

I haven't had the time to watch all of them yet, but I think G1 is currently my favorite show! Its whacky, its got that 80s charm, its got mistakes that make me go wild. Its got basketballin' 0ptimus. Its got everything.

8. Favorite comic series

Shattered Glass. Idw Shattered Glass. GOD that was so fun. It was dark, it was heart breaking, AUGH. Absolutely GUTTED we don't get any more of it. It was such a cool concept to play with!

12. Least favorite ship(s)

THATS A CAN OF WORMS. UHM... I have many least favorites LOL I'll shoot honorable mentions to Dr1ftr0d, M3gast4r, W1ndscre4m. I got those blacklisted LMAO (yes I'm using numbers in the names, idk how tumblr works its tags anymore and I'm not that kinda person to let my 'ew' get into their 'yay!' )

14. Least favorite Autobot(s)

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP PR0WL. I'm sure he's fantastic in G1 and other shows but oh my god you can't get me to give a hoot about Idw Prowll.

16. Least favorite show(s)

A big big big unpopular can of worms opinion. T f a. I watched one episode and noped out there. I couldn't do more..

17. Least favorite comic series

There was one single comic run in the Idw 0ptimus series that had ninja G i J0e and I just.. Not a fan. But I don't think I have any that I strictly dislike. Just.. g i j0es.

23. Favorite underrated character(s)

I feel like this fandom doesn't let any characters go underrated. But I'll still say Pharma. He's so interesting and the fact that we know next to nothing about him except for like.. a few panels and then some? MHM. LOVE. Obessed you could even say. Thats my babygirl!!

24. Favorite class/group(s) (i.e. Seekers, Scavengers, Constructicons, Aerialbots, DJD, etc)

This one is hard... SO HARD. I love Seekers, I love the Scavengers and holy SHIT I love the DJD. I have a Kaon figure and it is my beloved.. Like.. Seekers are a fun group to roll around in my hands. Whats their deal? Why 3 of them? I like all the answers I get in the fandom. The Scavengers are silly little guys, just goofy dudes. I'd hang with them all day every day. Sublime guys. DJD are just cruel and evil and violent and pure horror. I love the dark side of things, and getting that REALLY dark stuff mixed in with the fun stuff? Its great and pretty horrifying and I love it.

29. A bot you could consider a mortal enemy

Megan..... *side eyes*

33. What your alt mode would be if you were a Cybertronian

To be honest... just based on how much I crave freedom and not feeling caged? A jet. Not a big one, a tiny little jet. Just a little guuy.

40. What would you do if the Autobots landed on Earth right now and asked for your help

They can have anything and everything they need as long as they promise to take me with them. GET ME OFF THIS HELL PLANET. I'll settle for in depth history lessons and culture lessons about Cybertron though if I was forced to stay though.

Thanks friend!!! :D <3

If this shows up in any tags, I'm so sorry, I don't understand the tagging system but I tried!

[chickawah23]

So apparently, in Spotify little videos, the red vault appears in gold rush, the lakes, daylight and fifteen. The songs that mention red.

But also it is quite interesting collection of songs bc their association with kk. Fifteen remains the lyric from “its time to go”

It is hard to tell when it is random and when it is on purpose and if it means anything lol 🥴

Ah yes brilliant marketing move by Taylor and her team. Pump the streaming numbers up!

DTROESVIARYLONSER.TLSYIOTWFAR.OCM

RedTaylorsversion.taylorswift.com

———————

And yeah as for the track choices very interesting indeed...idk if we fully agree as to why though. For me:

Fifteen (a song about life and the loss of innocence before you actually knew what love was)

Well, count to ten, take it in. This is life before you know who you're gonna be at fifteen. You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail and soon enough, you're best friends. Laughin' at the other girls who think they're so cool. We'll be outta here as soon as we can.

gold rush (a song about wanting someone that everyone wants and fantasizing about a life with them but thinking you have no chance for whatever reason lol)

Gleaming, twinkling. Eyes like sinking ships on waters so inviting, I almost jump in

And thеn it fades into the gray of my day-old tea ‘cause it could never be

But I don't like a gold rush, gold rush. I don't like anticipatin' my face in a red flush. I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch. Everybody wants you.

Daylight (a song about accepting love as more than a concept because you actually feel it and learn that it is something sacred that you would do anything to protect)

And I can still see it all (In my mind). All of you, all of me (Intertwined). I once believed love would be (Black and white). But it's golden (Golden). And I can still see it all (In my head) Back and forth from New York (Sneaking in your bed). I once believed love would be (Burning red). But it's golden like daylight.

the lakes (a song about wanting to settle down with your beloved in your private little world where the love still emanates away from the opinions of others)

I want auroras and sad prose. I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet 'cause I haven't moved in years. And I want you right here. A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground with no one around to tweet it.

Note: a single red rose in a long-term relationship represents “you’re still the one”

Folklore’s Opening track: the 1

Folklore’s Closing track: the lakes

———————

Also I’m pretty sure the fifteen mentioned in ITTG is about Scott B.

[rasnak2]

ok but rasnak, a '96 rambheem au?? ram is ram and bheem is janaki. they fall in love while studying in a smalltown school and then ram moves away and bheem marries jenny and settles abroad. (because this is same-sex love and the school story is set in the 90s, internalized homophobia and societal pressure can also be reasons for their separation). bheem comes back for the reunion and realizes he's still in love with ram and it's the same for ram 💔💔💔

or

bheem is ram and ram is janaki and sita is ram's wife (lol i know, the names) and she's super understanding and patient with him just like janaki's husband in the film. bheem is a wildlife photographer and meets ram after years and sparks fly. oh and let's not forget that famous scene from the film. bheem travelling all the way from his city on his bike to ram's college only for a misunderstanding to get in the way of their meeting 😭😭😭😭 and he also attends ram's wedding but doesn't have the courage to stop it cuz he thinks ram hates him ahhhh god let me go and weep in a corner

(a kadhale kadhale songfic 🥺🥺)

Damn dude! Did you just read my mind????? Cuz I was just rewatching the movie and like are you seriously reading my mind with that first idea?? That tiny misunderstanding and the subsequent heartbreak for Ram or Bheem? Ooooffff. School lovers separating and reuniting after a hella long time in a reunion? Adding fuel to the fire, along with the homophobia and the society, the duo also try to run away from home but gets caught by their parents. And they are living in the 90s. Someone, please gimme this!

And Bheem riding a bike for such a long distance just for heartbreak breaks my heart and makes me want to read it all the more! And Damn if Ram didn't notice Bheem in his wedding and all that! I am sure Ram noticed but he decides to stay silent as Bheem walks away before he could say anything. My god the angst angst... Like wow! And adding more fuel to the fire, the second AU can also contain SitaJenny who are separated under similar circumstances :3

On a side note, WILDLIFE PHOTOGRAPHER BHEEM!!!!!!!!! Tbh when I first read that statement I was immediately transported to Maddy and his wildlife photography in 3 Idiots and which later on made me remember the time I had shipped Farhan and Rancho and-

Ok I know I am going off course but Rambheem with Ram as Rancho and Bheem as Farhan. Ram moves away after getting his degree and Bheem is heartbroken and gets to meet Ram after 10 years only he has been festering in the hope that he'll be able to propose to Ram someday cuz they had been in a relationship before Ram just vanished in thin air.

... or we can have a mash-up of 96 and 3 Idiots where Rambheem are school lovers, misunderstanding happens, meet back up in college, rekindle the relationship only for Ram to disappear and meet up back again at the school/college reunion.

As for the songfic, Idk if I would be able to make one but if I do, you'll find it in your asks *looks at the exam timetable that starts on Monday and I haven't even touched the book yet* Yeah...

[judesstfrancis]

so I was late to asking u things and I don't want u to have to repeat yourself so answer all the questions in the thing that you haven't already answered thank u 😌

the way I had to pull out my laptop to answer these bc I couldn’t keep them straight on my phone clipboard................ fdskjfsdkj I think I’m gonna put most of these under a read more so they don’t take up too much dash space. thank u!! <3

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

honestly I’m great! it is currently almost 2 in the morning but my day was nice, I got some new clothes, did my laundry, made a good dinner...good vibes all around, loving it for me rn

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

I haven’t really listened to a lot of new music lately dkfjskj I think the most recent new artist I started listening to was orville peck?? but that was back in like february

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

uhh when I’m at home. yes I’m a homebody <3

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home? 

truly it’s with the thots I just feel so at ease

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

it’s just easy, u know? like no matter what we’re doing, even if we’re just vibing on our own together, it’s nice. I can tell them absolutely anything and it’s not weird and I don’t have to force it out at all

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

ok first I always see if any of my friends are busy fkdjsfkj and if they aren’t I see if they wanna just chill or w/e but otherwise just like. turning some music up and sitting in my room with a book/a couple movies I love is ideal for me on a day off. I am very simple I just like to chill

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

yes! there are two whole people in this world that I spill absolutely everything to bc I trust them with my life and esp when I’m sad bc they always make me feel better. talking to them when I’m having A Day is like I vent and instantly I am normal again. they know who they are I’m sure but for transparency’s sake, it’s u (robin) and maya, no one else gets to unlock my tragic backstories <3

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings? 

relaxing evenings!

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything? 

actually I am currently rewatching cycles 1 through 22 of america’s next top model, I’m on like cycle 5 rn I think. having the time of my life, thanks for asking

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

I am very much more into creative endeavors, like work-wise, but I feel like the way I think about things is much more analytical. like I prefer Making things, writing or various crafts or what have u, but even when I create I think about the things I’m doing like analytically?? so ig left-brained

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it? 

boy with squirrel by john singleton copley. I love him

english red; what animal do you relate to most?

interesting question! I have no idea. maybe birds? like a finch, maybe. they seem like they have fun

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other? 

this one is hard for me to answer bc like. I truly have no idea what a “type” is idk if that’s an ace thing or what. no? maybe? all the people I’ve had crushes on have been vastly different, in terms of like physical looks so probably not actually. I’m not attracted to muscular people tho bc I don’t think they have feelings <3

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

once again I have never pictured a date. I just want to hold hands! I think for the ideal first date question I said it just had to be going somewhere where we could Do things together, like walking around a museum or going through shops downtown or something, and that does still apply here, but for the sake of shaking it up, uhh...idk maybe staying in and watching a movie. like not at a theater no one needs to know my business like that but like. at a House. whoever’s, I’m not picky, again ideally I just want to hold hands.

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

yes. literally if the first thing u do is kiss me I am okay with it. I’m 23 someone just take the shot and kiss me already I’m going crazy over here

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to? 

really looking forward to the holidays personally I got everyone some really good gifts this year and I can’t wait to hand them out. also my copy of 13 storeys is supposed to finally ship out this week, for real this time! so that’s exciting too

violet rose; what does your dream house look like? 

u know that idealized house with the yellow paint and the white trim? yes. just small and cute and homey

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down? 

I guess not?? I’d like to be somewhere near my mom bc she’s important to me but like. as long as I’m living with someone I love it doesn’t really matter where I don’t think

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

uh. settling down to me equates to like falling in love and living together so honestly that could happen any time. I need to get a job before we live together so I can like Help Out but like. really any time

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

I have not been to a lot of places! I’ve been to new york, and san diego, and like. phoenix outside of where I live so. actually if I can include like buildings in places I would like to say that one opera house I went to in new york. I learned I wasn’t a fan of operas BUT I also learned those chandeliers were cool as hell

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

I’m usually in a good mood, I think? my baseline mood is genuinely just like. happy/chill, pero I think the last time I felt Euphoria (tm) was a couple days ago when my mom and I made a really nice dinner together and my brother was there and we just played board games all night

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

I have this recurring habit of waking up from dreams but only barely so when I fall back asleep it feels like I just woke up within the dream? anyway the last one was like that but in one of the times I ‘woke up’ I looked out the window and instead of outside there was like this. static photo of buffalo grazing in open fields?? and it was like green screened kinda, so when I move the image moved with my line of sight it was weird. that’s how I knew it was a dream and woke myself up again, only to immediately fall back asleep and feel like I was waking up from a dream within a dream again

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each?

I think living with friends would be cool. like I want to have a significant other I live with but also if we lived with other friends that would be fun. kids, maybe! would be something I’d have to discuss with whatever partner I have in the future. if yes to kids, max two. also I don't want babies, preferably I would adopt older children. pets absolutely, however many doesn’t matter. I’m open to just living in a house with the love of my life and like twelve dogs, that’s ok with me

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

I do like my name! I think it’s nice and it feels like it fits me. I don’t think I’d change it ever, but if I did I think maybe I’d go with jude bc yes I do love to project <3

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

it’s a tie between suntan lotion and the lumber aisle of any hardware store

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

vanilla rooibos tea supremacy!

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

lots of flowers, first of all. also some kitchen herbs. maybe some fruits!

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

yes <3 I want to force people to listen to my pretentious horror opinions and get paid for it

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

look I just have to say it: I’m hot. last night I took a photo and saw my nose from the side and went “omg who IS she” like it’s cute. I’M cute. I’ve seen my ass in the mirror and nothing can top it, sorry

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

all I’m getting is those scenes from horror movies where eerie whistling starts and like birds start going crazy

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

I think so?? I’d like to be more financially secure, pero. I think for the most part yeah I’m alright

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

ireland and greece for sure, ireland is the one I have most planned out in my head. ig maybe england for the third one, just bc I know my mom wants to go and also I’m very bad at geography so I don’t know what counts as a country. I had to look all these up, I do want to visit them tho, genuinely! esp ireland

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

the one I’m most fluent in is spanish! and I’m still cracking along at russian, currently I can hold a conversation with like a 4 year old and we can understand each other, it’s pretty cool. I really wanna get into learning irish!! I have a few resources downloaded onto my phone I just haven’t gotten around to it yet

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

a little life <3 yes I hate it when things are sad just to be sad yes this is my favorite book I contain multitudes

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

the burbs! I’ve seen it so many times but it always hits

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

the day IS over it’s like two thirty am now but uh. drink some water before I sleep probably

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent?

I post the “kirby’s fucking pissed” meme on twitter and then I ask u (robin) if I can yell for like five minutes and then I feel valid and then I am normal again

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

it’s a little bit jock and it’s a little bit 1980s skater boy but the best way I can really Describe it is just “gay”

[lateniterhymesandjustifiedcrimes]

I haven't been here in a while...

And wow I’d forgotten I used to write. I miss that part of me. I guess getting older really does change a person. I’m 25 now and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I have so many dreams. I wanna move to Korea and make a life there. It just looks so beautiful and fresh. I want that, Fresh. I want to start a YouTube channel. I’m even working on a concept now, but it’s proven to be tougher than I thought. Well, not really tougher, but unforeseen obstacles are presenting themselves. I want a dance studio. But nowadays I’m more broke than my boyfriend trying to sell his mixtape (inside joke).

Oh I have a boyfriend.

He’s a guy I loved 7 years ago. A guy I ruined a perfectly good 2 year relationship for. I literally crossed an ocean to tell a man I loved I was leaving him for a man I loved 7 years ago. Why? I don’t fucking know. I’m just a terrible person. I need to start from the beginning.

My stories normally don’t include names but here’s an exception. I met Anthony in fall 2010 when I first started college. He was this scrawny Filipino guy and idk but I wanted him. He was kind, innocent, a little shy, and really funny. I was into that back then because I was this little virgin girl who wanted another virgin to lose her virginity to, kinda like equivalent exchange (that didn’t happen, but that’s another story). I made an effort to be his friend (and through that effort, I met the people who would eventually became my family). Our friends totally shipped us, too. Anthony and I went on 1 date. To Mr. Taco. And we walked there. Yeah, neither of us could drive at the time. But, we had great conversation and I popped his horchata cherry. I really thought we connected.

Unfortunately, Anthony only saw me as a friend. For the first time, I knew what true friend zone felt like. I say true friend zone because people like to complain about being in the friend zone but never let the object of their affection know they’re interested and then stay in the friend zone. I made my intentions perfectly CRYSTAL clear. Men can be such idiots.

Anyways, time went by and we added another girl to our group. Anthony was totally into Maribel and no matter how hard I fought for his affection, he only saw her. They would date for 4 years. During those 4 years I had lost contact with him because she was the type of girl who commanded all of his attention. He had lost contact with all of us and broke some friendships because of her. During those 4 years, I’d managed to date 3 guys; Darek (most annoying dude on the planet and I have no idea why we’re still friends today), Phil ( the man I regret losing my virginity to, who is now engaged to a woman I’m pretty sure he cheated on me with), and Sammy.

I met Sammy through tinder. I joined tinder to feel wanted again (this was after my breakup with Phil and I was feeling incredibly empty because I was no longer pure). I didn’t expect much from Sammy. I just wanted to casually date. Of course this guy had other plans. After our first date (movie and accidentally meeting most of my friend group…awkward), he kissed me goodbye and that had to be the most passionate, sexy thing I’d ever experienced. Which is why I agreed to a second date…and a third date…and having sex with him…on my period…in his car…yup. On our 4th or 5th date (I can’t remember) he asked if we should make us exclusive.

Now in my head I was like hell fucking no. Sammy was in the navy and I knew from the get go I wasn’t into long distance shit. Plus I just wanted to be a slut. He wasn’t my type at all. He was a bit shorter than me, not super attractive (shallow I know, but I’m thinking about my future children here), he liked music I made fun of, and he didn’t dance. And I told him this shit. So we continued fucking around until he left for Hawaii.

Shortly after he left he told me the ship was taking a trip to Santa Barbara for a weekend for supplies or something. Idk why but I didn’t hesitate when he asked if I could meet him there. And it was best weekend of my life. We finally boned in a bed. We talked so much. We drank and danced and sang and kissed. We kissed a lot. And sometime during that weekend, not at the same time, we told each other “I love you.” He would be gone for 2 months and when I finally got to see him again, I knew we were in this for the long haul.

When you’re in love with someone, the things that didn’t initially attract you to them start to become attractive. Like his body. And his taste in music. And his style. And his personality. We were a great couple. He taught me responsibility and I taught him acceptance. And what I mean by acceptance is that I wasn’t his type of girl either. I dance, I love the gays, I’m irresponsible af, and I’m black. But we both became more open and better people because of each other. I had never so physically and spiritually attached to a person. I learned to do the long distance thing and for the first time really truly understood the need for your love's presence. I craved Sammy like nothing I'd ever craved in my life.

A little over a year passed and I was convinced this man was god sent to be my husband. We had met each other's families and were accepted. Sure, we would fight and argue a few times, but that's healthy and the make ups were well worth it. We talked about baby names and our future. A future that included Japan. His ship was moving to Yokosuka and we would be apart for 2-5 years. I was devastated and reminded why I didn't want this relationship early on, because of the long distance. But because of how much I loved him and how strong I believed our love to be, I stayed. We made plans for me to visit 5 months after he left. It would be the longest amount of time I would be without him. But I believed in our love.

Until Anthony came back into my life. I got invited to his 23rd birthday out of the blue and we reconnected. It had been a while since we'd been with our old group I started college with (he left because of Maribel and I left because of Darek). We both were a little lonely so we started hanging out again. Just the 2 of us. And we TALKED so much. I'd forgotten how close we used to be and the things we had in common. I thought it felt like we were dating, so I invited the whole group out for a day in LA so we wouldn't be alone. Those fuckers agreed and I went ahead and made plans and the day before everyone canceled, except Anthony. They were shipping the hell out of us again. The problem was that I was already happily taken. Our group trip turned date was really fun. And I was afraid of that. We got home late that night and I ended up sleeping over at his house. This wasn't the first time I slept over in his room. But this time was different. There was this tension between us that had never existed before. He was gonna give up his bed for me, but I insisted he sleep in his own bed. We both ended up in his bed. We didn't cuddle. And I couldn't sleep. So I rolled over to face him. And he rolled over and put his hand on my arm, like a really awkward cuddle. And I asked him, "How different would our lives had been if we had dated all those years ago?" (Or something very similar.) I don't remember his response, but I do remember my breathing suddenly getting ragged and me leaning in to kiss him.

First kisses are so fucking magical. Just something about kissing a new person for the first time oh my god. My first kiss was pretty bad, so every kiss afterward was mind blowing because I started kissing guys that knew what they were doing. The way he kisses me and holds me and his eyes and that thing he does with his tongue ahhh it's different for every guy and it's a fantastic and wonderful and different feeling every time. I live for those feelings. In that moment kissing Anthony, I forgot I had Sammy. And in that moment I knew I was never quite over Anthony. Anthony and I knew what we were doing. But staying away from each other was just too difficult. We never had sex, but with all the time we were spending with each other, we might as well have.

I was so conflicted. I started hating myself all over again. I never imagined myself as the cheater in a relationship. Sammy and I made a rule that if either of us cheated, that would be the end of the relationship. And at this time, I had already bought my ticket to Japan. Non refundable. I was going whether I liked it or not. And my 2-week notice was already in at work. I was so disgusted with myself for not being strong enough to stay faithful to my man. But I was also happy because of Anthony. He had a way of making a problem disappear. But eventually I had to tell him that we couldn't be together. I loved Sammy and I planned on marrying him one day. We had plans to move to New York together after Japan. Anthony cried and his crying made me cry. Nobody was a winner here.

I flew to Japan and met up with Sammy. It was supposed to be a beautiful magical reunion, but I was clearly bitter. I spent the whole flight thinking about how to tell him I cheated. He noticed but didn't comment. I spent a week getting settled in, going on dates, taking in the sights. Every moment with Sammy in Japan made me want to stay with him forever. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. I told him what I did after I had a dream of me confessing. We talked for so long. He was willing to take back our rule if we both agreed to look over this and stay together. And I almost agreed. The words telling him yes we're on the tip of my tongue. But that's also the moment I realized it didn't matter how in love I was with Sammy. I wasn't trustworthy nor grateful enough to be his forever. He didn't deserve someone as unworthy of his love as me. So I told him I was choosing Anthony. I felt the weight of that decision immediately. He started crying. I never want to be the cause of such sadness ever again. I've never hurt anyone the way I hurt Sammy that day. He told me he had bought a ring and was planning on proposing the second month I'd be in Japan in Kyoto. It was a proposal only he could pull of and super cheesy and so much better than the proposal I'd fantasized about. And that's when I started crying. We spent the next week trying to figure ourselves out and angry fucking (best sex of my life, hands down). He tried to salvage our relationship but it was quickly made apparent that what we had was broken. My last night in Japan we had our last date. And was wonderful, but bittersweet. And the next day, I was all packed up to leave. He walked me to the elevator and as the door closed told me I can still stay if I want to. To this day, I still question if I made the right decision.

Anthony picked me up from the airport and our relationship blossomed from there. A year and a half later and we're still together. Sammy and I stopped talking, but I'm still not over him. I know that's unhealthy especially since I'm with someone else, but I can't help but still love him. I never wanted to leave. But I knew staying wasn't any better. That's not to say I don't love Anthony. I just don't love him the same way. The connection between Sammy and I is completely different than the one between Anthony and I. Both different, but both amazing. In hindsight, I should have taken more time to be single before jumping into another relationship, but I just couldn't stay away (slut).

I drank almost every day and watched any and every romance movie on Netflix when I got back. I was unemployed, lazy, and emotional. I stopped dancing. I gained weight. I developed a loathing for myself. This lasted for 8 months and Anthony wasn't having that shit, so he pretty much forced me into a summer dance intensive and made me get a dance job. I also got my job back at Ihop and went back to school to get more AA's. I think that's what made me really love Anthony, how he pushed me.

I don't want to get too into our relationship because I feel that should be a separate story. I just feel compelled to tell the story of the man I would literally cross an ocean for and the expensive breakup that followed. I guess only time will tell if I made the right decision. It's 4am and I have to be up in 3 hours so it looks like I'll just end the story here. Good night.