#idk what my original intention was with these little doodles lol

[wigglebox]

Warm Up

[silksongeveryday]

Drawing Hornet everyday until Silksong comes out - Day 365!

1 year! One whole year of daily doodles!!

Honestly?? Idk how to feel, so much has happened since I first started this blog.

I guess I’ll just write what I’m thinking right now??

(Everything under the cut, this thing is longer than I expected)

A lot of this text probably isn’t going to make sense. I’m writing this at 1 am. If there’s any mistakes or errors that’s why. I’ll fix them in the morning maybe.

So like. This whole thing kinda started as a joke, I wasn’t intending to actually draw for a year straight lmao. Like I even used a completely different art style from my regular one that was simple, quick and intentionally dumb. Not that I’m upset by it, I’m actually quite proud of myself that I managed to stick to something for an entire year. That’s pretty unusual for me believe it or not. My original intention was to stop at maybe 20 days because I really wasn’t expecting for this blog to get as much love as it did.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so so much to everyone who has followed and supported this silly little idea I had, you guys are the biggest reason my experience has been so positive and worth it. (Sure it’s not original but I hope it’s at least been interesting!)

I’ve said this a few times now but I’ve mentioned wanting to take a break. I’ll admit that even though it’s been fun it’s still pretty tiring to keep up with this blog sometimes since some recent life events have made it so hard. After some thought, I’ve decided that I’ll likely take a break sometime in the coming months. Maybe toward day 400 or so. As of right now, things are at a lull so I’ve been okay enough mentally and physically to keep up this daily streak I think. Though this could change in an instant for whatever reason.

Overall I think my burnout has kind of gone away I think?? Or at least I’ve been reinvigorated recently after replaying a few runs of hk randomizer and steel soul. No promises it’ll stay away but I silly expect it to come in waves.

Ok but call me crazy or delusional or whatever, but my hopes are up that Silksong will release this year. (which means slowing down/not doing daily doodles yay) I genuinely believe big news is coming since I’ve been getting a lot of dreams lately about something happening with Silksong in March. Idk, I could be wrong but after doing this for a year I’m literally clinging onto anything right now lol

I’d obviously still make the occasional doodle or two when HKSS releases but not daily. This stuff is tough to keep up sometimes, I would never do daily posts like this again once it’s over

Oh yeah also I have an actual big drawing I’m still working on, expect that in sometime in the next few weeks I think!

Anyway, I can’t think of anything else to say right now so I guess that’s it for now!

Thanks so much and here’s to more doodles!

[bbycosmo]

Warning: this is a tangent from a delusion being currently frothing at the mouth for Oathbound so everything said after this statement must be taken with the finest grain of salt because clearly delusion does not = reality but I’m too far gone to understand that lol

Okay, I don’t have any sort of evidence towards this besides an incredibly inaccurate gut feeling and my brain trying to connect dots towards.

So we know that Selwyn is a Gemini

BreeBree is a Scorpio

And Nick’s birthday hasn’t been revealed yet.

Okay, so something kinda tells me what Nick can potentially be a water or earth sign, ( I’m not knowledgeable about astrology in the slightest, but after looking up the compatibility charts for Scorpio I noticed that Gemini and Scorpio has the lowest compatibility with one another, which would probably describe Sel and Bree’s relationship. And then if you look at the highest compatibility it’s Pieces, Capricorn, Virgo, Cancer)

And because Oathbound is coming out in March something just told me that like what if she sorta planned it that way? So bloodmarked was originally supposed to come out in July which would be right at the time of Gemini season so it would’ve been a Selwyn birthday book release.

But instead it was released in November on Bree’s birthday which… idk it could just be the way publishers work and small bits of pieces not being 100% but it felt intentional? Yeah this is all a whack a doodle thought but I need to release it into the aether so I can get back to my life and stop this insanity of this series taking over every aspect of my day to day thoughts.

So yeah…. in conclusion, I think that’s Oathbound being released in March might be symbolic for the trios birthdays. As a nerd I feel like having little Easter eggs and stuff like that would be really cute for the fandom and then once the series is over we can pull together all the pieces of the puzzle.

I hope I’m wrong because I don’t want to be dragged further down into my rabbit hole of this craziness any longer by the time we have to wait for another 2-3 years for the 4th and final book.

Also… while I’m here. I don’t really buy into the whole Sel as the ShadowKings son. I think perhaps Valec being related to him is more believable because clearly there is some sort of relationship between the two there; also seeing as how he was prayed that he was dead after meeting up with Sel and Bree in the forest after that whole “ I can still taste you” scene.

Although!!! What I will say is, how interesting it would be if Selwyn’s mother was the Shadow Kings daughter!!! Yes I did say I don’t buy into the whole Sel being the shadow king thing but I do think it’s plausible for him to be related to him. For the regents to be so convinced about that her bloodline is so important that they forced her to sire a child. There is clearly so much more about the Kane family that has yet to be revealed. I sit eagerly at the edge of my seat waiting for the pen to drop and all is reveled.

Again no real evidence to support this besides random hunches and feelings..

I do hope we see more Dragon Bree because dragons have been brought up since legend born and I would love to see some kick ass vengeful dragon fight scenes. I also really want to know how Nick feels. ( in general) His side of this love triangle is hanging by a thread because the readers haven’t been able to peak into his head and understand what he has been thinking and feeling for awhile.

While Nick is being discussed I still haven’t forgiven him for not considering Bree’s safety after that whole Gala incident. Why was Sel more aware of the shitty position he put Briana in !? Even Briana was so overcome with the “ we did it Joe” celebration that she was too busy getting tongued down that I don’t even think she even processes that fact. That part enrages me even now when I think about that man. Because I see so many people shit on Selwyn for being a loose cannon ( which he is!!) but for a loose cannon to be the person making statements like

“ if that is your wish” after she tells him she’s come to say goodbye

Or the whole ‘no other Merlin monologue’ where he doesn’t even confess his feelings to her ( In fact he hasn’t even explicitly said what he wants or whether or not he is in love with her. As a reader we know based on his actions there is something there but who knows if that tree loving cambion will allow himself those feelings) he simply just wants her to be happy and alive so that the world doesn’t break and go dark.

And of course let’s not forget how he seems to see Bree for who she is. And that is someone completely insufferable , stubborn, annoying, while also being remarkable, stunning and beautiful.

Okay I know I am clearly biased but, it’s just hard to see Nick the same way since that scene, and I really want a redemption story for him in Oathbound

Update: just another thought

Since Sel is one of the few if not one of the only Merlin’s who can transform in to a bird. What if instead of the Shadow King he’s more directly related to Merlin than what the Regents have brainwashed him to believe all his life.

Related how? I’m not sure but after sleeping on it I think this makes more sense because how can we as readers completely ignore the fact that during one of Bree’s bloodwalks where she sees Merlin she finds it funny that even Merlin was known for saying

“ I am aware”

Which we know is such a Sel thing to say!!!

Like?!!!!!

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

cw// vent below the cut!

no outright triggering content mentioned but references to trauma/ptsd (this is vaguely selfship related i promise snjkfhfndsj).

LONG, sorry . beware! but i've been trying to examine myself a little more closely lately and i just got carried away ig

i sort of always feel like i'm alone in this, i guess i was wondering if anyone else feels the same way in any capacity?

so i've always been a really naturally creative person; when i was younger i was the kid that was always doodling all over their assignments; i would win art and writing contests, stuff like that. it's a lot of artists and imaginative ppl on here specially in the selfship community, so i'm sure y'all will understand this, but being "creative" was kind of literally my entire identity growing up. i preferred fiction to reality and never understood how to get along with the other kids, so it became my escape , whether i was creating or consuming media. it was , in entirety, who i was.

except when i got a little older, i went through a traumatic event. i won't get into specifics, but i was diagnosed with ptsd among other things. and i pretty much blocked it all out! only recently, years later, have i started to realize the effects the trauma actually had on me.

i noticed that my creativity is basically GONE. i'm unable to come up with plotlines in my head; only when i'm very strictly guided by a pre-determined objective or assignment requirement. when i was younger i could write elaborate fantasy storylines with dragons n shit, fully fleshed out character archetypes and interactions, but now it's like my mind is a total fucking blank. NOTHING comes up. especially dialogue; i'm just not capable of imagining it. art is the same way.

it's honestly insane. i don't even remember what it was like to have natural imagination. i miss it more than anything and i feel like i've lost something intensely important. not to mention how ingrained it was in my identity. it's all i was, yet it all stopped after i experienced trauma.

i feel so alone, and it really ties into my relationship with self-shipping. as much comfort as self-shipping brings me, i feel so very invalidated by the fact that i'm not able to create or write content for my ship. i try, but i just can't do it in the end. i see others that make these beautiful drawings or these deep meaningful fanfics and i feel so guilty. like i'm less dedicated, and it makes my relationship/my account less valid, not only to myself but to everyone else. my f/o deserves more than that, but i can't give it to them. in real life, they'd probably be with someone else who could instead. yk that sort of thing :'( it's a whole rabbit hole of thinking that i'll just cut off now but yeah u get the point. super guilty.

i could go on with this for hours but it's already super long. but yeah. the original intention of this blog was for me to try writing again but in a way that was comfortable and safe for me, by combining it w my biggest coping mechanism LOL. i've made some baby steps in my drafts but we'll see how it goes ig. just wanted to get this off my chest and see if maybe anyone else has had a similar experience, idk it just makes me feel so guilty and like i'm a fraud of myself in general :'3

[v-le]

Ktravels / Klife: After a year in korea Final Thoughts

Foreword: Surprise, surprise, procrastination got the best of me for quite some time. But im back. And for the last time. At least for the last time regarding my year-long study abroad experience in Korea. Here lies the last bits and pieces of my heart that left behind such a wondrous lifestyle in such a complex country.

--

I guess this will be the last of my “Korean” writings for a while. I think I kept holding off on this because I didn’t want to solidify the fact that my journey abroad is officially over. I guess even being home and everything still doesn’t make me accept reality. All I can keep thinking these days is that exactly a year ago, I was sitting around every day, waiting for my summer to end & for me to hurry up and end up in Korea & I kept asking myself over and over and over and OVER, ceaselessly: “I wonder how my life will change once I live there. I wonder what my life would be like over there”.

And what’s crazy, is that even though I kept desperately trying to grasp that fact so intensely a year prior to today, I still don’t have the answer as I sit here in this seat. I still don’t think I can properly express what my 10 month-ish experience was like. I feel just as contemplative as I did a year ago.

I think ive been holding off writing this mostly because I don’t even know what to say. Why don’t I have anything to say? Hmm.. or more like, I have so much to say that I don’t even want to begin. Because once I do, and then once I wrap it all up, everything will truly be all over. It’ll solidify the fact that my year abroad is all done for, never to come back to me ever again.

I think my final post of my study abroad IG account, the one I posted every single day for, enclosed my immediate, final thoughts and feelings really well. I mean, I literally wrote that on the plane flying home, sooooo…

Maybe I should start with addressing my goals I set for myself before I left, and how those goals panned out upon my return. Very vaguely, one of my main pursuits was to “become fluent in Korean”. Even to this day, im not exactly sure what that constitutes and by my standards, I don’t really know to what extent I wanted to improve based on that statement…. But, I guess I just really really really wanted to practice communicating more and essentially feel comfortable speaking, reading, writing, and listening in this completely foreign language. And I mean even prior to arriving, I had already known how to read Hangul for like 8 years. So in terms of reading, I just got to practice a looottt and just brush up on my speed & precision, I guess. Listening has also never been too much of a struggle: years of pure absorption and drowning myself in Korean in every form possible has taken me this far, to be quite honest. It was never anything intentional, I just held onto more and more words as the years went by. And quite frankly, I’m pretty damn proud of myself for that. I guess my point is that I unknowingly wanted to focus on improving my writing and speaking. Which sounds a bit futile, because what was the ultimate purpose in expanding on these skills? When I cannot even use them outside of Korea? Hm… I didn’t think that far. I just knew I wanted to improve. Or no, I don’t even think I had any real basis before arriving anyway. I just wanted to get exposed to that side of the language and make some sort of progress. Because I enjoy it that much.

I didn’t even know how to write the strokes of Hangul characters properly. No one had ever taught me. For years, for the small words or phrases I might’ve scribbled down for fun or doodled my notebooks with, I just wrote what I knew, like pictures. I still, to this day, don’t know the proper strokes lol. It kinda makes me feel noob, but o well, ive made it this far nonetheless. In terms of speaking, of course, I had absolutely no background. There had never been a chance to practice this skill… in fact, if there were one, if I did speak Korean at some point before going to Korea, I feel like that would’ve been really weird anyway… I wasn’t learning it formally in a classroom or anything, so if I were to try…. To god-knows-who…… I dunno,  that doesn’t seem right to me. There was just never a proper place and time for me to use any sort of spoken Korean, and that made sense. Because I had such a wide range of “skills” under my belt when it came to this language prior to arriving, none of it was… “official”? None of it was ever proper…..? I am not really sure which word fits best, but the fact that I had known everything I knew at that time from pure Korean media absorption, it bothered me a lot actually.

I wanted to learn formally. I wanted to learn properly. So, I didn’t hesitate to take the intensive Korean language course at Yonsei, one that was 4-6pm every day, Monday-Friday, for the entire semester. What I did hesitate with though, very greatly, and a little regretfully, was the level in which I started learning formal Korean. A part of me is regretful, but I think I know in my heart it was the better decision. Speaking Korean with the teacher on the day of the placement test was probably my first time ever really speaking full sentences aloud to someone else & I can sorta recall it with slight embarrassment. Okay not even slight, like a ton lol I was such a nooooobbbb… I still ammmmm….anyway, based on that day’s tests, the teacher deemed me as able to start in level 2. But I rejected him. I told him I wanted to start at level 1. Because ive never learned properly before, I felt the need to start from the beginning. He told me that level 1 would begin with each Hangul character, pronouncing them one by one, etc. He asked if I’d be okay with going over all of that, and I told him it was fine.

My level 1 class ended up being more of a level 1.5 & we went much faster than all the other classes and didn’t even start with the basics that I was originally warned of. But still, quite frankly, level 1 KLI was butts easy and I didn’t even need to study for anything to do well. For that, im pretty proud of myself. I’m not trying to brag, but I’m actually just very glad that my skills I arrived with were at least up to par enough that I could complete 1 without much struggle. What I was most grateful for was that I got out of KLI was a lot of grammar basics. A lot of these structures I recognized and have probably used on my own before, but I didn’t know the rules properly myself, until I finally learned them in KLI. So really, if I didn’t take level 1, I really think I would’ve lost out on that basic foundation needed for learning more advanced things. Granted, I probably could’ve covered a lot of those things in my own time if I searched for the proper resources and had a stronger motivation. But I never did that by myself. So, I sorttttt offfff, “wasted time” in level 1.

The next semester, level 2, was also not too difficult. Some concepts were definitely a bit more challenging and less intuitive, but nothing impossible to understand. Overall, my semester 2 at Yonsei was when my Korean grew to the heights that I had hoped for. If I improved about 10% during semester 1, then I would say I improved 115% in semester 2. I don’t even know what that means myself, but my point is that I had many many manyyy more real life, application opportunities to use Korean. The biggest factor being my participation in Powers, the badminton team at Yonsei, that semester. Aside from the 2729017 other things that Powers influenced that semester, language was a big thing. At some point, many of my teammates considered me the “American that is really good at Korean”, but like, the over-exaggeration is real. Although one dude consistently talked to me in only English for the longest time, once I met beloved 익안언니, that English-only image of me died and I communicated with everyone else the same way they already communicated with each other: in Korean. I know that sounds….like…. idk, not a really big deal. Like wow good for you, you could communicate in a foreign language with these people. But my biggest deal with it was that if it weren’t for me being in Powers, I would not have practiced speaking or expanded my vocabulary or just LEARNED as much as I have. ESPECIALLY meeting 익안언니 was such a blessing. Although she is from Taiwan, she is a grad student studying Korean language and culture which already implies that she is basically fluent in Korean. And me, knowing absolutely no Chinese but at least having half-assed Korean skills, we only ever communicated in Korean from day 1. Since the day we met, the day she came up to me and asked if I wanted to warm-up with her and asked if I was a foreigner or not, and then revealing that shes actually a foreigner, too. That made us automatically click, because we realized we could both speak without feeling wary of sounding dumb or making mistakes in front of a REAL Korean person. Granted, other teammates always heard a lot of our conversations and sometimes joined in, too. The main point was that speaking Korean in that sense, was the best experience I could’ve asked for. Others may think the most ideal would be, y’know, a real Korean person. But, why be picky when the point is that I got to practice.

By the end of semester two, I had a kinda random idea, fueled by a conversation I had with a KLI classmate. She mentioned how she was studying for the TOPIK 2, the intermediate-advanced Korean fluency test for foreigners, and she decided to take it in Korea versus America because she heard it was easier and the 65th one would be held in Korea while she was there anyway. Upon hearing this, I only vaguely knew about this test, I didn’t think it to be that big of deal, yet in my head I knew I was always impressed with foreigners when they would say something like “yeah I placed level 6 (the highest mark) on the topik”. And so, I looked more into the test myself, and I was like hmm maybe I should try it out myself. 익안언니 mentioned that she actually needed to (re)take it too because her score from her last test is expiring soon. So very last minute, we decided to take it together. It costed money, but that was expected. I debated a lot in the beginning whether or not to take TOPIK 1 or 2, aka easy vs hard, but I decided to just fuck it, I just gotta make sure I study for reals and have more faith in my skills lol.

Im glad I made the right decision. I didn’t study as effectively for the test as I would’ve liked, but I did what I could given my circumstances. I was shooting for level 3. I at least wanted a LEVEL out of the test, not a blank score, which is what would be given if you can’t even manage the minimum level 3 out of the TOPIK 2. That test seriously HURT my brain LOL. As you get towards the end of each section, it gets ridiculously hard and there were 2475830 words I did not understand at all and the mere rows of sentences eventually turned into huge walls of text that filled the paper all the way to the edges  and o gosh, just imagine how brain frying those sorts of exams can be HAHAHAH.

In the end, I placed level 5. I was 8 points away from level 6. I was honestly very shocked and to this day, I think I just owe my score to me doing a good job at guessing correct answers, not my pure skills LOL. But above all else, I definitely underestimated myself. I really wanted to take the TOPIK to assess my Korean skills once and for all, definitively. But even after receiving my score, I still feel lost on how to accurately describe my skills. Does level 5 even cut it? Do I even have the right to call myself level 5? I got it though, right? Having drowned myself in Korean for 8 years & taken level 1 & 2 KLI, I was able to be lowkey fluent, I guess.

That’s pretty damn cool. Im pretty damn proud of myself. And yeah, idk, that’s that. LOL. Im not trying to brag about myself or anything. All of that was purely my journey with the Korean language, particularly in the context of studying abroad in Korea for a year. And in regards to my goal, I think I did a pretty good job. I can write long chunks of text without too much problem, I can speak a good amount, maybe not 100% flawlessly, but I can hold conversations, I can go weeks with only speaking Korean, and I think that’s pretty awesome progress that I made towards my goal. If anything, I may have surpassed my anticipations. Cool. LOL

 Another one of my main goals was to travel outside of Korea. Or not even that, just outside of SEOUL. Because as amazing that city alone is, I also knew that there is sooooo much to explore throughout the rest of the country and even in other nations. For second semester, I went to Tokyo in Japan, Bangkok in Thailand, Taipei and Tainan in Taiwan, and Busan, Jeonju, Jeju-do, and Yeosu in Korea. I was very blessed to travel to 3 other countries and hit a few beautiful areas outside of Seoul in Korea, too. Although it was a tiresome experience, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything else. Balancing school and travels and other commitments was ridiculously tough. Ive repeated this a lot but: all my snaps and ig updates may have looked like fun and games, but the burnout was real. Traveling with friends isn’t all fun and games.

I learned SO MUCH through this experience: planning logistics thoroughly, dealing with money & currency exchanges strategically, balancing school work, moving things around as necessary, utilizing transportation in various different settings in an effective and efficient manner, familiarizing oneself with the GEOGRAPHY of a place (a really important one that I feel people don’t really talk about), researching attractions from different perspectives & using multiple, varied resources, knowing where to go for help, preparing proper lodging accordingly & communicating with hosts/staff, researching FOOD, too. I could go on and on.

But when it comes to traveling, especially while on a budget bc we are broke ass college kids, the amount of proper communication & discussion & preparation with other members of the group that needs to go into it is no joke. It’s not fun and games, it’s making sure that we know what the fuck we’re doing in a foreign environment so that we can explore, see things, get around, eat, and ENJOY our time safely and efficiently.

SO in that sense, I’m also pretty proud of myself & my friends. Special shout out to Sabrina Sooyoung Wong who was my ultimate travel buddy for (almost) everywhere I went. I already miss the amazing time we had together :’(

Continuing where I left off, I have realized that this writing is taking way too long. The day that marks one year since I left for Korea has already passed (August 21st) & I realized that I was gone for exactly 11 months: Aug 21 -  July 21 (w/ a break in bw ofc) bc I literally landed back in America on the 21st of July, not realizing that the day I left was exactly the 21st as well. And my birthday is on the 21st too. Of Sept..:0 that’s whack. ANYWAYYYYYYY…………

What more do I have to say about this trip, hmmmm……. Ive already talked about my growth through the language and through traveling all over the place…These days, ive truly been trying to relive & recall the worries that shrouded my mind a year ago before I left.

I remember so clearly, constantly asking myself “How will my life change once I go and live there? Will I even be able to make any friends?” People around me also kept telling me that I would “HAVE SO MUCH FUNNNN”, but I recall constantly shutting them down and being pessimistic & telling everyone that I “would just be a normal student studying all the time, just in a different country lol” To address all these predeparture worries, I’ll say simply, thinking back on it now: My life changed SO MUCH, that it feels like nothing even happened at all (ik like wtf??? But lemme explain…), I made friends that I know will last a lifetime, and HONESTLY, I worked really hard studying when it came down to it, but I also made sure to have as much fun as I could. I did my best to balance everything (especially 2nd semester..)

So like, how tf could my life have changed so much that it feels unreal? Well, it’s exactly that. My daily life, the way I went about my daily routine, the lifestyle that I honed, the world that I wrapped myself in, the things I did, the food I ate, just about EVERYTHING about my life in Korea was so drastically different than my life in America, that returning home actually just makes it all feel like a dream, as if it were all a lie. My Korean lifestyle and my American lifestyle are incomparable. They are two completely different worlds. And for that…. I….. yes, I miss the Korean one like crazy every day, but that affection and sentiment for what I had makes my experience all the more precious and just… dear to my heart. Oh so dear to my heart, 나의 유학생활…. I think I kept asking myself the “how will it change” question countless times before I left because I was trying to prepare myself, trying to make sure I don’t throw myself off in the heat of it, make sure I stay grounded in the reality of my circumstances. And although nothing could’ve prepared myself enough for all those specific changes in my life, I think I definitely stayed rooted in mindfulness and never lost sight of the privilege I had.

If I look back on my first semester writings, I always repeated the words “thankful” & “grateful”. I really did my everything to remind myself of those feelings. Same goes for the friends that I met. Particularly my first semester gang, my days spent with them were infinitely bright. I feel like we were all so lost in the wonders of Korea (and Taiwan) and the beauty of just being there, spending time together, having valuable conversations, but also some very dumb ones, and really just bathing in the precious company of each other. It is not every day you meet an amazing group of people as the ones I did 1st sem. I gave yall a shoutout before, but thank yall again for taking care of me, the youngest of younglings out there, and making me laugh & smile more than I could ever recall doing with anyone else. Even my blessed friends from 2nd sem too, sooyoung, antony, Vicky, & 익안언니, I could not have imagined what my life would’ve been with them. My point in all of this? I was so worried about “making friends”, but miraculously, luckily, AMAZINGLY, it all worked out in the end. I am so grateful for that. I got close to some frking really cool people, who I still talk to today, who I still think about a lot, whom I owe a lot of myself to. Even if our collective time spent together was not the longest, even if the timespan of my other friendships are significantly more extensive, the friends I made through studying abroad are infinitely valuable and precious to me at the end of the day. Only stunning memories remain. Our friendships wont end there. They only started in Korea, but I have faith that they will transcend timezones and the years to come.

In terms of just balancing LIFE in korea, I can definitely recall many instances where I felt completely overwhelmed and burnt out. Those days were bound to come from the start. There were many days were I lacked a significant amount of sleep because I was so busy, there were days were I felt perpetually stuck & I could never overcome my problems (the things… a foreigner in Korean cannot do without a phone number…. Gg I felt soooooo shitty at that time)… there were also, ofc, days where I felt frustrated with many different people, there were days were I was so stressed out about whether I was doing the right thing (my 2 tutoring gigs…) or if I deserved anything I was receiving…., there were countless days where I studied hard and stressed about academics, as always (but I managed to get all A+’s 2nd sem & im honestly so proud of that…) …there were plenty of days where I would feel Korean societal standards weigh down on me & I felt painfully inclined to fit in in any and every way possible,.. I also struggled with deeper questions about the kind of toxic community Koreans can foster in various contexts (political, nationalism, etc..)… and the biggest of adversities, the one that broke me down the most, and to this day has left me empty & lost… was watching my singer get torn apart and disappear before my eyes.

I have written about this specific topic very extensively in a different piece, and…. It is definitely a pretty heated, passionate, painful piece. I had many many many many things to say about all of it, and I actually still have countless words to say, honestly. For sake of concision, for sake of keeping my sanity in place for at least this piece of text, for the sake of my world that has crumbled apart far too much for me to ever pick myself back up again… I’ll just say… I miss him so much and I pray for the day I can listen to him again. I won’t even be greedy and say “see” him again. I know ive seen him more times than I ever deserved too. But I want to listen to his voice again. In a new light, in a reassuring way. In some form, I want to hear him again… just once at least… please…Knowing him, listening to him for years, holding onto my life with his voice & music… I know that he needs to do music and nothing else. It breaks my heart every day to think about how this light has been lost from him.

One day… one day……….. I pray desperately every day that one day, he will come back to us. Please.

 Its honestly pretty difficult to talk about my hardships during my time in Korea without mentioning that stuff. It has taken such a big toll on me, life became so taxing because of that one situation, that even today I sit here, half a year after it all fell apart, without much improvement on the state of things anyway. But enough of the negative stuff. I hope that’s enough. Despite all the pain & highkey trauma I acquired from it all, I know that at the end of the day I learned valuable lessons and that I am still grateful for every experience nonetheless.

I still wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today without those tough times, too. It sucks that I lost my light along the way, I lost sight of my world that so ironically always gave me healing when I needed it most.

Another thing I should mention is how I am also very grateful for that fact that I never got sick while in Korea, or just while abroad in general. I usually catch a cold about once a year, even my first year of college, I definitely had that small period of time where I was dead sick from some sort of virus. But not once, did my body ever falter while abroad. It’s ironic because usually being in foreign countries, especially the not-the-most-sanitary ones like Thailand, Taiwan, etc, one would normally be much more susceptible to a stomach bug or heat-related complication or whatever. One would think that my body would be especially vulnerable abroad. But nope. I stayed strong all throughout. I’m pretty damn proud of that too. I tend to take my health for granted, but looking back on it now, I guess I held up pretty well despite all the odds against me.

The most important question I should be asking myself now is… How have I changed since I’ve studied abroad? Some basic changes would be my outer appearance. My makeup has definitely changed, my clothes do not exactly look like the rest of my friends’, and my eyes are sometimes slightly different colored LOL. But, mentally? Emotionally? What has korea done to me? I thought that once I returned from being abroad, I could be this strong, amazing, fearless, bold person. Maybe in some aspects, I do feel that way. But quite frankly, being away from some beloved, close friends for so long has left me more insecure and unsure than I would like to admit.

No part of my confidence has significantly skyrocketed or anything. I am still too much of a pessimist for any of that to be possible. I actually feel kinda reluctant, vulnerable, skeptical… when it comes back to reconnecting with the friends I haven’t seen for over a year. So in this way, Korea has changed me in which I do not know how to reconvene with the life I originally left.

Korea also….. made me fall in love with the “Asian lifestyle”. I say this a lot in person, but I think I genuinely love Asian culture & way of living better than America’s. Especially after coming back & coming to terms with how normalized some illegal stuff are among kids my age are now, I cant vibe with any of that. I know well enough that both cultures have their pros and cons and but I think I can safely say I prefer one over the other. I have grown up in the same exact house and neighborhood my entire life and I very ironically chose to go to a school that mirrors this familiar environment almost perfectly. Therefore, I easily lose sight about what is new, what is enjoyable, what keeps me grounded here.

So to be honest, nothing keeps me grounded in my hometown. Not my parents, not really my hometown friends, nothing special. It’s a fact that I felt more attached to Korea than America. I don’t know. It just ended up that way.

I traveled to and studied there for a year because I felt like my heart belonged there. And after coming back, I think I finally can contest to that statement.

One more thing, as I try to run out of things to say… I dislike K-pop and I wish it wasn’t such a definitive part of Korea itself. I know for a fact that the way in which K-pop has blown up over the years is an inherent loss for Korean culture because now the world has been misguided, misinformed, and misinterpreting Korea as a whole due to K-pop. I hate how, if I were to speak to someone ive never met before about me studying abroad in Korea, they would most likely assume that I like K-pop or make some sort of connection to my experience, with K-pop. That presumption needs to end. I do not relate my experience to K-pop in any way. There was so much outside of that. So like, no, I did not meet so-and-so. No, I did not see that group on the streets. No, I did not go to that concert. I admit I went to plenty of concerts, but those people were basically NO NAMES compared to actual K-pop artists… So please… I wish there was a distance between Kpop & Korea.

I have come to cherish Korean culture way outside of K-pop. Sure, its what exposed me to it all in the beginning, but I very quickly, very NATURALLY, grew out of that mindset & perspective. Sigh. That’s that. A real shame.

I haven’t been able to wrap this up for an entire week now and I think, right before I head back to school for good at UCI, this would be a good time to close it up for good.

What I meant to talk about throughout this entire “final journey” chunk was how studying abroad changed me, and what that might mean for my future.

These days, while ive been lowkey wallowing away at home, avoiding my responsibilities and waiting for everything to come crashing down onto me once I return to Irvine, one of the biggest things ive been really missing is Yeosu. My spontaneous 2 day, 1 night trip to Yeosu with Sabrina was probably one of the best spontaneous adventures I ever chose to do.

Yeosu held some sort of beauty that is so impossible to explain, that pictures don’t even do justice for, and is really just a hidden gem sort of place that I am so so so blessed to have visited and fallen in love with. Even if it was just for two short days, Yeosu treated us SO well. It will forever be one of the best memories I’ve made in Korea, because of all its combined natural beauty, open air, wonderful weather, breathtaking views, exciting and undying street pojangmacha street life, and FOOD! Amazing, home-cooked 한식…..it was really, honestly, great.

Another thing I thought of: I feel like I took so many airplanes that I lost count and I even lost that exhilarating, enthusiastic feeling that used to be associated with taking airplanes at some point. I am not trying to BRAG that I had that sort of privilege, but I just wanted to…. Reminisce on that missing emotion. Now, going through that entire check-in, security, waiting, boarding process feels sooooo draggy, and if anything, even a waste of time….. :( but I at least appreciate airplanes for being able to take me everywhere…

OKAY FOR REALS, last thing im going to address: my current perceptions on sharing my journey abroad with others. If im going to be completely honest, I really hesitate to talk about how I studied in Korea for a year. I am pretty damn paranoid about what people would think of me and I am reluctant to really tell my story because I feel like all of it is very important and special and dear to my heart that it’s not as simple as “yeah, it was chill, I had a great time”. In response to the question of “omg how was it????”, ive literally made a script for myself: “honestly, like my life in korea and my life here in America were so totally different that it feels like it didn’t even happen… it went by so fast and there was so much going on that coming back here feels pretty weird…also, reverse-culture shock is real”

That is the best spiel I can muster up if I were to briefly talk about my experiences abroad. But in reality, I would want to talk about why korea & the Korean language mean so much to me, how grateful I am for all the places and people and things I got to see, how convenient day-to-day life was. And most of all, I would want to address the all the negative things I discovered about Korea. I would want to talk about how for nearly half of my time there, my world was, and still is, crashing down onto me, and how that entire happening has affected my viewpoint of Korean society greatly. I would love to go on about the nuances that make Korea a very toxic social environment, how many aspects that make it well-known and well-received globally also contribute to my disliking for Korea. My experience was so eye-opening. It really was. With all the beauty I discovered along the way, I feel like I faced some extremely terrible shit, too. But of course, as I have been repeating ceaselessly, I am thankful at the end of the day. I always am.

I think at this point, I don’t have much more to say. Despite how much I miss Korea on a daily basis, for now, I think its best to let go of it. I am proud that my daily Instagram will stay as my detailed, thorough testimony to the countless experiences and stories I thought were worth sharing, or remembering at the very least. 286 days. To be exact, I was abroad for 286 days. Not a year exactly, but sorta close. I did my best. I did everything I could. I was independent as I could be, I saw all the things I could see, and I just appreciated it all at the end of the day.

I am really excited to go back one day. It’s at the least the one thing keeping me a little bit optimistic for the future.

잘 있어줘, 한국아. 모든 걸 고마웠다.

[todokori-kun]

OK TBH I DON’T PLAY OTOME GAMES 

(don’t play any kind of game really, except for the occasional farming game when I’m bored) AND I’VE ALWAYS FELT SO AWKWARD BECAUSE I’M ACTUALLY KOREAN AND YET IT’S LIKE EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET BUT ME HAS PLAYED MYSTIC MESSENGER

but wow, that looks pretty. And it sounds really cool. Also it’s free?

You know what, I might try that out. I’ll definitely let you know if I do :D

WHAT? You dropped TG? Right when one of the recent chapters had an Urie/Saiko moment??? (like dude I totally understand your frustration but just, if you’re going to drop TG drop it after you read that scene- Saiko basically acknowledges that the CCG has turned into a slaughterhouse and she doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore (she says that if push comes to shove, she’ll become a terrorist and leave the CCG). Urie acts like he’s still a coldhearted jerk who only cares about the job and Saiko gets mad at him before running out of the house.

Urie goes to find her and they sit on swings at a playground together, apologizing and talking things over. Urie eventually says that if things don’t work out, they’ll just become terrorists (an echo of Saiko’s earlier words) and Saiko gives this really cute smile it’s just ughhh <3333)

OH Food Wars! I’ve heard of it ^^ I don’t like Echhi so I probably won’t watch it though (anime fanservice in general is something I don’t really like. Like, if it’s meant to be a pure fanservice series then that’s fine, I probably wouldn’t watch something like that in the first place- but when an anime/manga with a decent plot and interesting concepts decides to go and ruin all that with awkward panty shots and weird anatomy that’s just. not my thing lol).

Tatsuo is definitely a glorious bastard.

(I’m doodling him and Naomi a lot nowadays and no matter how I draw them you could never tell that they’re siblings. Naomi just looks like a sweet, average girl and Tatsuo looks like the lovechild of Greedling and Kimblee.

Also, I don’t have that much good art to show you right now, but I’ll probably be able to send some tomorrow or the day after (warning: it’s still not good, and this isn’t just me being insecure) :D)

Yep, I’m on volume two now (or was it three?) and it’s darker than it looks…it’s fun, though! I started it for Hisoka but I’m liking the main characters way more than I thought I would. Gon and Leorio are probably my favorites (Gon=the MC, sweet little boy with amazing instincts. Leorio=one of Gon’s friends, pretends that he wants to become a ‘Hunter’ just for the money but it actually goes deeper than that: his friend was ill but Leorio didn’t have enough money to pay for his treatment and the friend died. Then Leorio decided to become a doctor so he could help people like his friend, but he realized that he needed even MORE money to complete all the necessary studying/training to become a doctor. That’s his real reason for wanting to become rich.).

I just finished Volume 26 of the manga! Only one more volume to go 0.0

Scar’s development is awesome. Everyone’s development is really good (and I don’t actually dislike anybody other than the obvious ones (AKA Father)!).

TRUTH: I am the original Dwarf in the Flask. I write cutesy/angsty headcanons and revel in the reactions from you common, weak humans…

(Question, though: which FMA character do you think you’re like, personality-wise?

For me, I know this is weird but I relate to older!Hohenheim. (I relate to Al too but Al is way nicer than me so Hohenheim it is.)

I think Queen Luna is a bit like Winry + Al + Ed + Riza? idk, who do you relate to?)

Roy: ‘so, guys with long hair…’

*casually glances around the room*

*sees Ed, who’s decided to unbraid his hair and just keep it down for a while*

*smiles sweetly with murderous intent*

“Fullmetal! Would you mind getting a haircut?”

(tbh I ship Roy/Luna. A lot. And I think I sorta ship Greed(ling)/Luna too.)

Water alchemy is definitely useful. Though Air alchemy would be pretty powerful too…

However, I think I’d actually like to specialize in Medicinal Alchemy. I’d also like to learn Alkahestry :)

Queen Luna, are you trying to kill me. Seriously. I’m interally screaming right now. That’s cute as heck omg (tbh Scar-Evans, no matter what kind of relationship, would always be supremely awkward at first. Scar’s naturally silent and stern, Evans WANTS to talk to everyone but is just too shy and anxious lol (like on the outside I’m really quiet but on the inside it’s just “I can just say hi, that won’t be so bad- who am I kidding I’ll totally mess it up what am I going to say AFTER I say hi? Huh? HUH? Evans do you have a Plan B? That’s what I thought you moron, you really have no idea what to do in this situation we’re DOOMED”)

I’d probably get along well with Mei and Xiao-Mei tho.)

Yeah, I know I should appreciate how hard mangakas work to draw/write these mangas, but I did feel the tiniest bit disappointed…we waited a month for this. But maybe it’s because there are actually a lot of 'casual’ fans who don’t know about the 2CT and Yana need to confirm it (also Yana actually might not know how popular the 2CT is? And someone who doesn’t know the 2CT could totally think that Real Ciel is a clone or something).

The one new-ish thing that I learned from this chapter is that it’s getting harder to trust Tanaka XD

But yeah, the art improvement is amazing! Kuro had great detail from the very first chapter but now, I could just stare at some of the panels for hours.

That. Is awesome. Smol Nick Fury is my new spirit animal

And that’s great! I haven’t seen Homecoming yet but I’m planning to (I’m late because my little sister wants to watch it with me but she’s not done with Civil War yet. Speaking of, have you seen Civil War?).

*gasps* you do not know the glory that is otome games? You wound me, my dear Evans ;-; Just kidding, it’s your choice completely :)

OH GOD MYSTIC MESSENGER. That game is hell. It’s an amazing game, but it takes over your life considering it’s based on real time. I LOST SO MUCH SLEEP OVER IT T_T But I regret nothing. 

Because look at this cutie. 

Yep, it’s completely free! On Steam! Here’s the link!

I’ve finished 2 more routes!

This guy, Rod. He’s an asshole. Most of the time I was playing, I had the urge to stick my middle finger up at the screen. He honestly infuriates me so much.

Aand this guy, Rumpel. He’s… okay I guess. A huuge flirt, who has amnesia. His most notable moment in the game: MC (the character you play as) is sick. His response? ‘I guess you’re missing’

I honestly wanted to punch the screen.

Oh, and there’s this queen:

my heart

Well, two more routes left, I’ll get to them tomorrow or the day after that ^^

GODDAMNIT I WAS TRYING TO DROP IT =3= I guess I’ll have to read the chapter, then, since Urie/Saiko. Damn it.

I want to see those two become terrorists together. I really do.

Yeah, Food wars is like that. It had a decent premise, but then it decides that eating delicious food is the most erotic thing ever. In other words, lots of shots that are barely censored! It was actually pretty annoying. Well, I dealt with it, because I try not to drop anime when I start *guiltily looks at TG*

AAAAH I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE ART! I’m so excited :3 And don’t worry, in comparison to my art, I’m sure it’s flawless.

Interesting… I might start to read it soon ^^

Oooh, so you’re near the end! What’s the last thing that happened? So i can estimate the amount of feels left for you to experience huehuehue There’s a lot of them in the end. I always cry. Help.

How could I not see it? Of course you’re the dwarf! I was blind all along!

The moment I read your question, my mind shouted this: ALPHONSE ELRIC WITHOUT A DOUBT.

Yep, no doubt about it.

I suppose you are a bit like Hoenheim, though…

Honestly, I mostly relate to Riza (mostly in the ‘I’m so done w Mustang’ part hahahah (but I also love snipers, they’re really cool)), but with Al’s random fawning over cuteness hahah But I’m glad you also think of Winry, since I really admire as a character. She’s quite strong willed. 

Ed is traumatised that day. What did he do to deserve the colonel hating his hair

True, true, if you used a transmutation circle like Roy’s glove to change the concentration of the air around the target, you could make it quite lethal. 

I can see him stumbling on to you playing the piano at some point and just staying silent, because he knows how easily nervous you get and he honestly loves how peaceful you are at that moment. Probably makes a subtle comment later, so he doesn’t fluster you too much.  And then a certain water alchemist comes and starts blabbering about random gibberish, coaxing you out of your shell and he happens to come into the room (totally not because someone told him to come) and is like ????? because at this point he was convinced you’re shy around everyone. From that day on, he makes it a point to try and get close to you.

Mei is adorable! Her perception of Ed in the beginning is one of the best parts of the whole show. Just, wow.

Mm, probably. I still feel a bit disappointed =3= Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait until the next chapter.  And I’m definitely more weary of Tanaka now.  But I honestly hate how RC is treating OC like a child. It’s infuriating, since OC has shown over and over that he’s capable of handling things on his own (also we need their names, now. Please. I’m tired of calling them RC and OC)

Y’all motherfuckers don’t know nothing. But Tony’s salt. Shut your whore mouth Bruce.  Who’s the blond napping on Tony’s arm tho? I can’t figure it out ;-;

Nope, not yet ^^;;;;;;;; I’ll watch it soon?

But Peter is such a sweet cinnamon roll, I cry. Just. He tries so hard and somehow always screws up. My heart hurts for him.

ALSOALSO I’m going to dye my hair red tomorrow :3c It’s temporary, but I’m still excited about it ^^;;