#idk where anything goes anymore
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now that i know that you also watched tvd, i need to know - which idols would you cast in the major roles? 💕
alright, alright, alright, this took me too fucking long. Elena/Katherine came to me immediately.
Elena: Joshua Hong
Katherine: Yoon Jeonghan
Damon: Jeon Jungkook
Stefan: Kim Namjoon
Bonnie: Park Jimin
Caroline: Jung Hoseok
Klaus: Kim Hongjoong
Matt: Johnny Suh
Tyler: Seo Changbin
Jeremy: Jeon Wonwoo
#ykw#I’m just gonna stand by these#the sun to my mars#kpop#kpop imagines#kpop scenarios#kpop headcanons#tvd#the vampire diaries#kie.tv#earth to mars#idle pitching#idk where anything goes anymore#svt#bts#ateez#NCT#skz
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Come back home when you have some sense
You can throw your life away just not at my expense
You’re not the son I raised
#jhariah#this one just rawrrfrrr#and then uh another line thats like ‘tell me did you raise a man?’#nice#im just listening to the new album to cope with nasty sickness and feeling out of it#god this album is really good it has every emotion in there like this song for example just the part where they scream the chorus its like#hnnnghhh#hm some other moments from the album im liking a lot uhhh i love re: concerns a lot#the part where hes like reading off the complaints and then the part where hes just screaming and its like BAM BAM BAM BAAAM#sasuke is so good and the bit at the end where its like ‘i just want you to know im so so...’#like hes gonna say sorry but cant seem to say the word for whatever reason and i know nothing about sasuke#but i has to imagine the fan girlies are eating gravel over that one lol it gets me#and theres just that like spooky echoing afterwards#the intro to fire4fun goes SOOOOOOOO hard i was losing my shit its awesome#the entirety of trust ceremony is giving me big feelings but specifically that part towards the end where its all quiet and you hear#its like whistling i think? like a marching band is coming in maybe#but it also kinda sounds like nature too and idk i like got a little bit um magical at that part cuz i was driving down a big hill#and it had been raining but there was a clearing in the clouds and the sun was bright and like at this particular hill#you can just see everything like the land stretches for miles theres trees hills the river farms all that shit#and idk with the extreme stress and depression ive been feeling its hard to have these moments where life seems worth it#and its hard to really feel anything anymore or to feel in the moment but idk i was just going down that hill seeing everything and it was#very majestic so yeah that song is definitely gonna have the same effect as pin eye for me#which i must mention pin eye again its still OOOOGHH very good it came at a pretty good time for me#yeah basically this album is uhhhh whats keeping me somewhat grounded rn i recommend 👍
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hm. i do not like chilshi 🤔
#sylph.txt#everyone likes to joke abt how much of an epic divorce man chilchuck is#but i dont think he ever even refers to her as his ex-wife. i could b wrong bc it's been a while since i read it tho#idk a lot of his arc is him learning to b more open w others (which is essentially what ended his relationship)#and u can see how much he's grown in the chapter where senshi goes into his past#to me it would b a lot sweeter for him to take on these lessons and go back to her and make things work#it's been 4 years but he's remained loyal to her depite their issues. idk to me it rlly does feel like he still loves her he's just a fool#it's made p clear that he's a coward and that he's quick to run away so actually committing to her would b a nice way to wrap things up#we don't get to see much of his wife so i get y ppl r quick to put him w the only other man in the party#but like senshi knows abt his wife too like i do not think he's gnna b making any moves here bc he has morals lmao#(*only other older man in the party. laios doesn't qualify for old man yaoi to most chilshi likers)#(even tho chilchuck isn't old either but shh they don't care abt that)#when it comes to senshi the changeling chapter def helped him w understanding how old the rest of the party is#but he clearly still views them as significantly younger than him#i don't think he views chil as a child anymore but for the majority of their time together he did#and so going from that to in a relationship is uhh rlly weird to me!#senshi has always taken a sort of parental role upon himself#w him romance is no where as interesting as the platonic bonds he has w the rest of the party#similar to how romance is entirely unimportant to izutsumi in the succubus chapter#idk i def don't hate the pairing and there r some takes on it that i find funny#but for me i just don't see anything between them i think ppl just want an m/m ship to play with#that ao3 gap is only gnna get bigger lmao
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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y'know ... pom's arrival coinciding w kaufmo's abstraction makes me wonder if her being a jester was really a coincidence ...
#ooc : posts .#let me elaborate.#bcus we do know that kinger's wife was also a chess piece.#and then maybe pom was supposed to be kauf's lil companion. cuase yk the more clowns the better <3#but it also made me wonder if caine was already aware of this fact n used pomni's as a. replacement of some sorts#like ah how sad that the clown is gone! the next best thing is a jester <3#like yes i am v well aware that he abstraction happened AFTER she arrived. but if caine controls EVERYTHING n has millions of ALL SEEING EY#S. then who's to say he didn't already know abt kauf going bonkers n. well instead of doing anything to keep him calm he just. brought in#the new girl and let her be part of his downfall </3#bcus there was the scene where we see the lil black void w more abstractions#then again#ragatha did say the adventures were a way to try n prevent them from going crazy#so maybe caine is trying.#i suppose there is only so much the ring leader can do...#BUT THEN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#he is depicted as a godly figure. he made the candy kingdom w his own bare hands. THE FAKE EXIT DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE VOID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#he can fix glitches. maybe the only reason he can't fix the abstractions is bcus he doesn't know the source of them?#maybe they're not in the code. maybe it rly is smth that goes beyond his control#man idk where im going w this anymore AAAAAAAAAAAA#but i am thinking thoughts. do know that <3
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updated. eternal labyrinth's worldbuilding doc. looked at the page count. how did i get here.
#paraportal#luka.txt#system: eternal labyrinth#its been like that for a while i just think its funny#what will push it to 140 pages. idk if i will come up with that much new lore lmao#the table of contents alone is 11 pages lskdfjs help#the effects of having a 7yo paracosm. this i fucking guess.#IN MY DEFENSE...there's like. 3 different dimensions w their own lore mishmashed in here. so.#i think the second longest worldbuilding doc i have is uh. 15 pages. and i don't even daydream about that paracosm anymore 💀#shoutout to at the graveyard i guess. shitty old creepypasta paracosm.#and shoutout to life after death or whatever your name is now. i swear i try to put in effort to daydream about it#just ignore that the lore doc is a measly 8 pages (i have no idea whats canon anymore)#deciding that my main daydream universe would be a video game where anything goes was. a Bad Idea in hindsight /hj
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at this point I don't even know if tag fragmentation in the general russian holmes space is worth addressing. a few years ago I successfully kept the ancient customs intact because I wrote a post so deranged and pretentious it displeased people into doing what I wanted but nowadays what's the point in making a grand return of being terminally online if yall kinda right
#history: in the ice age the soviet series were exclusively russian sherlock holmes#the 2013 show is about to appear under a surprisingly generic title of Sherlock Holmes that is also russian#the contemporaries can't come up with anything better than naming it the new russian holmes#it is a decade later#soon it will be 11 years of nrh being *new*#and russian sh keeps dying out in favour of soviet sh#tag fragmentation occurs where the historic russian sh name with almost 15 years of tumblr history gets shafted in favour of soviet sh#a relatively new tag nowhere near of the russian sh legacy#as someone who actually scrolled it all the way back to the very beginning and yes to the first posts of circa 2010/2011#you can guess why I felt strongly about it since you are just creating an issue that never was and also making a false impression#of how sparsely populated soviet sh is while all this time it was just a secondary but also straight up unused tag#the same thing having two tags with totally different content bc of tag fragmentation is quite annoying#but it is now the modern age and idk if you can even go that deep into any tag anymore with how the search function doesn't work#and who could be wrong. russian sh Is soviet. nrh Is new. and nrh will never change and mix with the russian sh search forever.#plus what is the issue. russian sh gets one post a week and nrh gets one every half a year. the annoyance exists to me only.#do we assemble a council and grant both shows new unique tags and resolve the mistakes of our ancestors#while erasing 10+ years of history behind their current tags in the process thus basically wiping the fandom clean#or do we just live with it while occasionally shrugging at how this all happened#I thought and fought to keep it the way it was because adding to a search that goes back to 2010 is what it's all about o7#but nowadays truly. everyone else is technically right. what's the point
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I have this very very stupid marchly fic idea that I've thought about on and off for over a year and I might just say fuck it and write it since the appropriate season will be upon us soon but also... it's very silly & stupid and I'm not sure how to flesh it out even into a short one shot cause all I've really got is the idea for this scene that amuses me to no end but would probably not be an amusing funny one-off to many other ppl
#idk man. I still have my big long chaptered fic that lmao#I have to re-re start at this point#what's frustrating about it is... I have it all plotted out. it's all there. in my wip notebook.#even the newer re-writes. it's all there#I just can't make myself work on it#or anything at all really#and I hate this feeling. I've never been here before. where I literally CANNOT write. at all.#and I was thinking maybe writing the stupid short thing would get me back into it all and then I could write the bigger chapter fic#but it's like.... idk man. I just don't know what happened. I thought after I got medicated and felt better this would stop#and it hasn't and that's been really hard to deal with for me#I have never been someone who starts a bunch of stuff and then just... abandons it. I have never been someone with multiple WIPs. ever.#I start one I finish one or it goes in the garbage forever#and now it's like I have these ideas I'd ideally like to make happen. but I can't. I can't focus on writing anymore for SHIT.#and I know that my last foray with the ship I shall not name has a lot to do with this. it broke my brain y'all. bad.#but it's like ok and? that was forever ago. move on. different ship! let's go!#you kept driving after your horrific car accidents you can sure as shit keep doing this dumb shit!#just thinking about it all rn is making me so tired :(#erin explains it all
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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life is falling through my fingers more that usually
#i’ve been in a pretty much constant state of panic since january#and it’s gotten worse recently bc of 1. thesis writing (or lack thereof)#2. administrative problems at uni that i caused due to the constant state of anxiety and depression#like whyyyy do things like going to the uni office send me spiraling like nothing else#and i’ve been feeling weird and disconnected for a while now and nothing seems to interest me anymore#like i’m light headed in the worst way and i think if one thing goes badly i’ll genuinely fall down crying#and i can’t seem to do anything productive bc of the anxiety either#ok i checked usos. the administrative problem got more or less solved#oh thank god#i love depression loveee it love causing problems for myself that i later have to bother other people about bc i can’t solve them by myself#esp when you have to admit to them that mental illness is what caused them bc even when they’re sympathetic and nice about it i still feel#like such a pathetic idiot my god#also i’ve been thinking a lot abt how a pattern that repeats in my life is the lack of closure#from silly things to more serious ones#like how i didn’t attend my elementary school graduation nor the hs one#the first one bc of travelling and the second bc of covid#so i just closed my laptop and then went to pick up my diploma after matura results and that was it i never saw any of my teachers or#thanked them etc#and how all my friendships that died out were this kind of sudden drop like nothing happened but we just stopped talking one day and that#was it and idk where we stand#and how i seem to leave loose threads everywhere i go and i can’t tell if it’s just a coincidence or if i do that on purpose but#unconciously so as to not have to deal with things ending bc that scares me#i’ve never felt grounded in any moment and it’s so strange#also yeah yeah weird behaviour meant to save me from abandonment whatever#📓#niedziela wieczór i humor popsuty co mogę powiedzieć
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I HATE BEING SENSITIVE I HATE IT
#its always been like this i hate myself fr. i hate being affected by everything#and i hate it when i feel everything before it happens. and when it inevitably does im just numb.#and someday i want to travel without crying for hours the night before for no fucking reason#my friend and i have this spot before our nearest grocery store where we just . talk. before we go home#sometimes we stand there for like an hour just talking. about our day about idfk social issues about plans whatever#and i thought about how much im gonna miss that. we won't get to have that anymore relatively soon. whats two years genuinely#i want to stand on that little crossroad forever i don't care about anything else. the grocery store keepers ask us where the other is when#one of us goes in alone . idk man thats just our spot.
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NOT THIS??? https://twitter.com/Teta_2023/status/1644126646415560706
They act like the terms of his contract aren't publicly available and we didn't see it all play out since last season omg they really believe this innocent little blorbo image they've made up for this grown ass man and his European superiority complex so tired of them
#oh brother.......................#listen they can bring up the image rights thing all they want but the not wanting to exclude others excuse is bs lmfao#like i said it's astounding to me that he has sm influence over the ultras but he's never thought for a minute#to tell them to maybe stop booing and whistling his teammate when he's actually been the best player this season?#'it's not kylian saint germain' bruv who are you trying to fool it very much is and some of your fans even enjoy the fact that it is 😭#speaking of the european superiority thing#while it's true there's nuance to this since he's black but he's definitely spoiled. and the comment abt south american football.. yeah ://#i have never seen a player this protected in my life. and don't even get me started on his salary when you consider how he hasn't won#psg anything of note. i mean who am i in my going-broke-trying-to-pay-for-my-law-degree ass glory to judge how much he earns#but the fact that he earns more than prime messi and cr7 did in their time and gets a loyalty bonus that goes up each YEAR#and still throws tantrums on ig and throws his club under the bus instead of settling issues privately is. well. lmfao#idk where im going with this anymore but i think it's clear by now that im not too fond of him and i really need messi out of here FAST#asks#unrelated but the fact that there are kykymi girlies who still exist despite the rape allegations is 🤢
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...
#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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Not a vent jus an emotional observation, but it kinda sucks when you slowly realize you can’t be the friend someone needs you to be
#random post#also goes for other relationships but I digress#idk it’s kinda like taking away a fundamental part your life cus u just aren’t what they NEED#this really isn’t a vent btw it’s just smth I’ve been thinking about and I think I’ve accepted it#a part of me REALLY wants to talk about it with someone to like. have an outside perspective on my thoughts lol but I don’t wanna fuckin#idk the word. bother? worry? someone else? I also don’t wanna be misunderstood as like. malicious or mad or anything lol#cus I’m prone to being misunderstood ✌️😔#that’s more or less a fact funnily enough there been more than a few times where I’ve just been like ‘NO WAIT. THATS NIT WHAT I MEANT’#I honestly can’t tell what gets misinterpreted sometimes but I digress. anyways#good news is. we don’t really talk. anymore lol so it’s not like im suddenly outcast or anything#sounds sappy but I already mourned the loss of this friendship a long time ago. DAMN that sounds dark but. yknow#it’s kinda nice sharing these thoughts <3 ive been feelin like this for MONTHS and I’m done feeling sad or getting myself sick over these#feelings >:)#in other news the duct tape on my phone (the tape holding my case together) has been peeling back so NOW my hands are sticky </3 rip
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anyways this is my first day off where i'm not doing something in like 2??? weeks and i'm literally making gifs right now but oh boy do i want to close photoshop now!!!!
#y'all wonder where the content goes when all you do is bully content creators when they dont meet YOUR standards#fully learn how to do it yourself or leave us alone like#no one even reblogs anything anymore so we're fighting for our lives with things that still don't see a large audience#which is whatever i dont make content for the notes but still the sentiment holds true#and i'm so nice but this week !! ooh its not the week to try anything with me i'm literally going to explode so !!!!!!!!!!#just enjoy jin's face how could you EVER COMPLAIN ABT THAT ??? LIKE COULDNT REALLY EVER BE ME BUT GO OFF I GUESS???#idk idk idk#.txt
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WHAT THE FUCK 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#ok i genuinely have never read anything so!!!!! fuck!!!! in my life#but also i feel like orv could’ve ended here so i’m curious to figure out what happens next#or maybe not cuz like this is also like just the beginning yk#Idk i’m bad at expressing myself but i’m super excited to see where it goes from here cuz this is like the end of the first half of orv#and typically things get more serious from now on#Anyway#AAAAAAAAAAA THE GIANT STORY IM SO EMO#THE CULMINATION#THE STORY STARTED ON THE SUBWAY 😭😭😭😭😭☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻#mica reads orv#orv spoilers#i discovered highlighting so i won’t b spamming w little snippets of the book i like anymore thank the lord#Just big plot things :3 yippee!#AND ANOTHER THING ! i love love LOVE how kdj keeps reiterating how his life revolves around twsa#it’s like the one constant in his silly mediocre life dokjaaaaaa my babygirl :(((((
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