#and i’ve been feeling weird and disconnected for a while now and nothing seems to interest me anymore

[korovamlecznybar]

life is falling through my fingers more that usually

[lilbluustar]

high on you

pairing— innocent fem!reader x bf!anton

wc— 2.7k

content and warnings— inexperienced reader, substance use (weed), altered perception, mild intoxication, romantic/sexual tension, innocent x experienced trope, self-insert vibes, intimacy under influence, nighttime and melancholic setting, emotional subtext (he's not as well off as he seems), soft touches, spicy build-up, smut; car sex (mdi).

note— that live left me thinking... i couldn't sleep, GOD, i needed to capture something!!! so sorry if you see mistakes, lmk if u saw some!!!!

the road to the overlook was narrow, full of poorly lit curves, the kind of route most people avoided if they didn’t know the area well.

but anton knew it by heart. he could get there even with his eyes closed if he wanted. he’d done it countless times.

alone.

always alone.

because this place… wasn’t a tourist spot, or a romantic getaway.

it was his refuge.

he came when the world felt too heavy. when his house felt like a cage and his thoughts wouldn’t stop running. he’d sit on the hood of his car, light a joint, and just… disconnect. without having to explain anything to anyone. without wearing any mask.

but this time, he wasn’t alone.

you were next to him, in silence, looking at the city stretching out below like a sea of floating lights. your fingers moved nervously over your coat, like they were trying to take the place of your thoughts.

“didn’t think you were the type to come to places like this,” you murmured, without turning.

anton leaned back in his seat, eyes on the clear sky.

“i’m not. but this place… it’s not for just anyone.”

you glanced at him, smiling with curiosity.

“so why me?”

he hesitated for a fraction of a second. then he spoke, with that calm tone of his that always seemed to hide something more.

“because with you… i don’t feel like i have to fake anything.”

the air grew tense, but not uncomfortably so.

it was the kind of silence that comes right before something important happens.

anton opened the glove compartment. took out a lighter, a small metal box, and a ready-made joint.

you watched, saying nothing at first. your eyes flicked from the joint to his face, as if looking for something.

“do you come here to smoke?”

he nodded.

“to think. to be alone. to forget everything for a while.”

“you need it that often?” you asked quietly.

anton lit the end and took a slow drag before answering.

“more than i should.”

you looked down.

there was something about him that disarmed you without trying.

that way he spoke without saying much. that tiredness hidden behind his smile.

“does it bother you?” he asked, noticing your silence.

“no,” you replied quickly. too quickly. “i’ve just… never been with someone who does.”

he let out a short, raspy laugh.

“never?”

you shook your head, a little embarrassed.

“do you want to?”

the question caught you off guard.

“what… what if it makes me feel weird?”

anton finally looked at you, with that kind of gaze that seemed to go deeper than it should.

“then i’ll stay with you. until it stops feeling weird.”

you hesitated.

but there was something in his voice.

something in the night.

something in him.

he held out his hand.

your fingers brushed against anton’s.

“just a little…”

he handed you the joint, your hands touching for a second longer than necessary.

you brought it to your lips, awkwardly, and after just one hit, you started coughing.

anton let out a soft laugh.

“easy… it’s your first time.”

“that was… awful,” you said between coughs and laughter.

“you’ll get used to it.”

he looked at you with a tenderness disguised as irony. you leaned back, the stars slightly spinning above your head.

“you’re doing fine,” he murmured, taking another slow drag. “for your first time.”

“i feel… light.”

“that’s the idea.”

the silence returned, but now it was softer.

more intimate.

like the night was wrapping around you both.

outside, the city lights seemed to dance. literally. you squinted, staring through the windshield.

“do they always look like that…?”

anton turned his head toward you. his expression was relaxed, with a small smile that wouldn’t go away.

“only when you’re high enough to see beauty in such simple things.”

“they’re like… giant fireflies.”

anton let out a nasal laugh.

“you’re so high.”

you covered your face with your hands.

"don't say that!"

"why not? you look..."

he stopped.

you looked at him, long lashes, red cheeks, glossy eyes.

"i look…?" you pressed, tilting your head.

"cute," he answered, almost in a whisper. "with your little eyes like that, and that face… like you don’t know whether to laugh or fall asleep."

you let out a soft laugh, a little more free this time.

"do you always talk like this when you’re… you know…?"

"only when i don’t want to lie."

a silence full of unspoken meaning wrapped around you.

you rested your head on the seat, watching the distorted lights beyond the window.

your skin felt different, softer. like the breeze from the car was gently brushing over it.

"it feels like… like time is moving in slow motion."

"it is," anton said. "or at least… it feels that way when you're with someone you don't want to leave."

you looked at him.

his eyes were half-closed, but still, he didn’t stop looking at you.

as if he was afraid that blinking might make him lose this moment.

"are you okay?" you asked.

anton nodded.

"yeah. i just… like looking at you."

you blushed even more. the mix of warmth, soft lights, and his low voice wrapped around you like a warm blanket.

"that sounds very… very intense."

"it's just that your…," he whispered. "you have something strange. i don’t know what it is."

you laughed, looking down.

"you have something strange too."

"yeah?"

"yeah… like your sadness… doesn’t feel scary. it’s almost… beautiful."

anton went silent. his chest rose slowly as he inhaled.

you didn’t know if you had made him uncomfortable or touched something too deep.

"no one’s ever told me that before," he murmured. "that my sadness was beautiful."

"that’s how i feel… when you’re quiet, looking at the sky. you seem like you want to escape… but you don’t."

he looked at you. more intensely now.

like suddenly, you weren’t that high anymore… just closer.

"anton…" you said, breaking through the murmur of the distant city. "why me? really. why not someone else?"

he stared at you for a few seconds. took one last drag and put out the joint with his fingers.

"because sometimes… when the world hurts, there’s only one person who doesn’t make it worse."

you blinked.

he leaned a little closer.

"can i kiss you?"

anton nodded, catching your lips with his.

the feeling was different, like it was the first time you’d kissed him.

it felt overwhelming, and every kiss made you crave the next one, unable to stop,

like the taste of the joint was becoming addictive between his lips.

you needed him close,

you had never felt the need to feel someone this near, like your life depended on it.

so, without thinking too much, you sat on his lap.

anton wrapped both arms around your waist, as if he felt the same need— to hold you close enough just to breathe.

suddenly, you leaned back a little, breaking the kiss for a few seconds, laughing at something anton had said— you didn’t even remember what exactly, just that it had tickled something inside you and left it lingering on your lips— and your fingers accidentally brushed against his, which were resting on your butt.

the touch was so light, but it felt like a spark.

anton didn’t pull away.

neither did you.

you kept laughing softly,

but it wasn’t about the same thing anymore.

it was about the weight in the air.

about how the silence between you now tasted different.

"we're doing a lot of new things today," you whispered, your voice barely a breath.

anton looked at you. his eyes still a little glassy, darker now.

"yeah…" he replied. "and i don’t want it to stop."

you stared at him, your faces only inches apart.

the background music felt distant.

the only real thing was the way you looked at him,

the way your skin was asking for more contact.

“what else do you want to try?” you asked, with that kind of courage only a distorted sense of reality could give you.

he smiled, almost guiltily. scratched the back of his neck.

“i don't want to scare you...”

“try me,” you whispered. “i don’t think you can.”

anton swallowed hard.

his eyes dropped briefly to your lips.

“i want to know… i want to hear your moans” he finally said, voice low, rough, so direct the air seemed to freeze.

you looked at him without moving. like the world had hit pause just to give you both space.

“here…?” you asked, your voice barely trembling, but not backing down.

anton leaned in just a little more. the warmth of his breath made you shiver.

“here. only if you want.”

you nodded, very slowly.

there was no fear in your eyes.

only curiosity.

craving.

and he… he was about to fall apart.

anton leaned in, and with painful slowness, brought his fingers to your jaw.

“you look so fucking pretty like this…” he whispered. “red cheeks, lips half open, those shiny little eyes…”

you didn’t say anything. he just moved his hand down to your bare knee, stroking it, making you tremble slightly.

his hand slid down your neck, slow, unhurried.

the touch of his skin felt like soft fire.

you closed your eyes for a second.

“touch me,” you whispered, barely breathing.

anton slid his fingers down your exposed thigh, trembling too.

“like this…?” he asked, as if he couldn’t quite believe this was real.

you bit your lower lip.

“yeah… but more.”

his lips brushed yours with an almost cruel patience.

he didn't kiss you, he just left them there.

“you're going to drive me crazy," he murmured.

“you already are.”

and this time, you were the one who kissed him.

the kiss you shared was slow at first. exploratory. but soon, your breaths mingled with pent-up desperation.

anton pushed you gently against the horn, his hand seeking the edge of your waist, reaching under your shirt as if the mere touch of his skin could anchor him to reality, you felt him trace lines on your lower back with his fingertips.

each caress was like liquid electricity.

each kiss, deeper. more charged.

the music followed, distorted, distant. but the sound of their heavy breathing was the only thing filling the car.

“is this okay?” anton asked in a raspy, panting voice as he brushed the edge of yor bra with his fingers.

you nodded, barely, already lost in the sensation of having him so close.

“yes, take it off, i want more, anton," you said, barely a whisper.

and he... lost control.

he lowered his head and kissed your neck with devotion, his tongue tracing slow circles that made you arch.

“shit... your skin is so hot," he whispered against you, feeling you tremble with every slightest touch.

his hand slipped under your bra, caressing your perky nipples with a tenderness that contrasted with the tension in his jaw.

you gasped, and your back arched as if his touch was a line of fire.

“anton..." you murmured his name between gasping breaths.

“say it, again," he whispered, running his hand down your belly, leaving traces of warmth that made you go wild.

“anton...”

his voice broke as he brushed the edge of your underwear, going no further.

“tell me what you want," his eyes looked at you with a mixture of hunger and tenderness. as if he was about to disarm.

“i want... i want to feel you, inside me, to fuck me," you said, unfiltered, your eyes reddening, your cheeks burning and your body vibrating with every word.

anton growled low, his voice low and almost animalistic.

“you're killing me, you know?"

you smiled, slightly, as you guided his hand a little lower.

“then kill me too," you whispered.

the city lights, distorted through the fogged window, seemed to move slower.

the world outside disappeared.

he leaned over you and kissed you again, this time deeper, rawer. your bodies collided, soft but desperate, as if they wanted to melt.

his other hand caressed your thigh from the inside, and the sensitive skin made you moan barely, swallowing the sound against his mouth.

“shhh...” anton smiled “i don't want the car to become a scandal... yet.”

 you smacked him on the chest, laughing between moans.

“you idiot.”

“you idiot, too" he whispered against your collarbone, slowly lowering himself, as if he had all the time in the world... though you both knew that at any moment, desire would make you lose your patience again.

“you're too pretty like that," anton whispered, kissing your reddening cheek. “so... fucking cute.”

you couldn't speak. your breathing was erratic, your eyes clouded with more than just smoke. your skin was living fire and anton's fingers were like embers igniting it with every caress.

his hands moved down confidently, with restrained hunger, until they removed your underwear with desperate slowness. the brush of the air made you shiver.

“is that all right?” he asked, almost with a broken voice, while his fingers began to play with your folds, every now and then gently pulling them apart, as if they were being assaulted.

“yes... more than fine," you gasped.

“shit... i swear this is fucking crazy.”

he lowered his head to your neck, kissing you urgently. the car was an oven. your bodies, two magnets.

you helped him pull down his pants, just enough to free his hard length.

you didn't want to waste any more time, you were so aroused, any touch no matter how slight was too over-stimulating and overwhelming for you, you guided your pussy to his hard member, crossing your legs around him.

“anton...”

“i know, baby. i know.”

the penetration was slow at first, like a whispered confession between moans.

you both held your breath.

“god... you're so tight...” he grunted against your neck, moving inside you with a rhythm that went from tender to devastating.

“so big toni... more... please...”

“like this? do you like it when i give you this deep?” his words came out between his teeth, his hips slapping against yours, with a controlled but rough rhythm.

you nodded, biting your lip, as he watched you with a mixture of desire and raw tenderness.

“look at you... so fucking sweet... so good for me...”

the seat creaked, sweat trickled down your skin, and your gasps filled the car like a forbidden song.

“you love it, don't you?”

“y-yes... please, anton...”

“you look beautiful like this... being so mine” and with a deeper, wilder movement, you broke completely.

you moaned his name in a ragged sigh, your back arched and your eyes watery with ecstasy.

he followed you seconds later, collapsing against your chest, his head resting on your shoulder, panting as if the world had stopped spinning.

a warm, thick silence fell between the two of you. you could only hear their gasping breaths, the slow rhythm of their hearts trying to calm down.

outside, the lights were still distorted.

inside, everything felt... soft. soft. incredibly real.

anton stroked your hair, still inside her, still trembling.

“you're... the most beautiful thing i've ever touched in my whole damn life," he whispered.

you smiled weakly, eyes closed, her body still shuddering.

“is that the after high talking... or you?”

anton looked at you, kissing your forehead.

“it's me... but more honest than ever.”

they embraced like that, skin to skin, synchronized breaths, no need to say more.

the warmth of the car, the softness of the moment... contrasted with the intensity of what they had just shared.

“hey, anton...”

“mmm?”

“i don't think i'm going to let you come to this lookout alone anymore.”

he laughed, softly, burying his face in her neck.

“i'd love it if you didn't.”

a moment of silence. one of those soft ones. the kind that says more than a thousand words.

he looked up and watched you, as if for the first time.

“i didn't know i needed this... until it happened.”

you smiled, kissing his cheek.

“i didn't either.”

outside, the sky seemed to melt into shades of purple.

inside, just the two of you... hugging, skin to skin, hearts a little more disarmed.

and for the first time in a long time, anton didn't feel the need to run away.

not from the gazebo.

not from you.

not from himself.

[yurinaa-world]

Helloo ☆ I hope youre having a nice day 💫🌸 I was wondering if I can request Blade, Ratio and Sunday with reader who appears stoic/reserved and seems disconnected but is actually soft and cries/smiles easily around them 🥹 thank you!!

- 🪻

"𝒜 𝓅𝓇𝑒𝓉𝓉𝓎 𝓈𝓂𝒾𝓁𝑒"

💫𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓇𝒶𝒸𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓈: Blade, Veritas Ratio & Sunday x Gender-neutral reader

💫𝒮𝓎𝓃𝑜𝓅𝓈𝒾𝓈: with a reader who appears reserved and disconnected but is actually soft around him

💫𝒲𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈: Fluff & Spelling Mistakes

💫𝐵𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒 "𝑀𝑒𝓂𝒷𝑒𝓇 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒮𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓁𝒶𝓇𝑜𝓃 𝐻𝓊𝓃𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓈"

You are both soulmates from the outside, both reserved and disconnected….except you aren't, and he is, the complete opposites of each other. He likes it better when you’re alone anyway, you’re more expressive that way and only he enjoys that.

He likes that reassuring smile on your face the morning after you fixed up his wounds, asking him if he’s alright and if he’s feeling any pain but he can’t think about that right now, forget the pain for now.

He can’t help but get a little clingy—though his face just screams he’s going to murder someone, even if his body is sore he wants to see your face close-up, maybe even steal that smile off of your face.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

“Be careful, blade,”

Him Showing up late last night and injured wasn’t exactly in the cards for you there you were, and now you’re like his personal nurse, taking care of him in the morning. His chest and arms were all cleaned and bandaged to the best of your ability, all while he groaned at the sharp pain his body was in.

“Open up, it might taste a bit weird.” You smiled, trying to make him feel better as you spoon-fed him a bitter medicine, even the colour looked like complete muck, which just made him frown at the taste of it, injuries may not be a big deal to him but nothing is killing his tastebuds. 

“Disgusting.”

“Please bear with it,” 

He won’t bear with it, not in the slightest, instead, he’ll be selfish and want something more to clear his throat, getting rid of that bitter, disgusting taste, and you’ll be the victim of it. Touch his bandages all you want but he’s not going to let you leave, he’ll grab your hand and drag you down on top of him.

“Is something wrong?”

He’s a silent man, rather than doing something useful with his mouth instead of saying unnecessary things that you already knew, shoving his mouth on yours was more important, you could taste the bitter medicine in your throat, the taste getting more apparent the more he doesn’t want to let go of you.

“It’s better to bear with now.”

💫𝒱𝑒𝓇𝒾𝓉𝒶𝓈 𝑅𝒶𝓉𝒾𝑜 "𝑀𝑒𝓂𝒷𝑒𝓇 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝐼𝓃𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓁𝒾𝑔𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓈𝒾𝒶 𝒢𝓊𝒾𝓁𝒹"

You may be the only answer to his problems, he feels exhausted by his students, and after a long break they have forgotten everything he’s been teaching, and the vein on his forehead might explode.

His anger gets bad to the point he can’t help but rant to you about his terrible day of reviewing with his class.

He may calm down a little when you smile and laugh a little about his complaints, it’s not your fault the way he talks.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

“I wish to bash my skull on the table, these students will be the death of me.”

He's been ranting for a while now…and the whole time—going unnoticed by him since he’s very into his anger—you just wanted to laugh so badly, hearing his analogies with his complaints were truly testing you. 

“Idiots, they incurable, truly I’ve failed as a teacher,” his monologue was cut short when you started laughing—it was like a jolt of realization, seeing you laugh at him like that yet he wasn’t very pleased.

“Seems like you’re enjoying this.” He stares back at you blankly as you calm down from your laughter. “I’m not but Veritas, if you keep stressing out so much, you might just grow gray hair already,” you smile, your hand gently creasing his hair to express your point more.

 “I don’t want you to get wrinkles in the next few years.” you smile, it was a very gentle and natural one, not forced in the slightest which just made his heart skip a beat, your smile always made the tips of his ears red when you both alone with each, it might’ve also made him go soft as well.

“Any expression can contribute to wrinkles, even you’ll get some,” 

In a low whisper, all under his breath so it wouldn’t reach your ears. “Yet even with wrinkles, you would look even more charming.”

Seeing this side of you makes him grateful of what he gets to see.

💫𝒮𝓊𝓃𝒹𝒶𝓎 "𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝐻𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒪𝒶𝓀 𝐹𝒶𝓂𝒾𝓁𝓎"

He’s gotten many personal questions about you from many people outside of your relationship. It's insulting if he's being truthful, and they just don’t know when to stop prying when they need to. Those backhanded comments don’t go unnoticed by him, he’s not some idiot. 

But it’s not the bad, words are just words unless the press gets wild and tries to do something then it’s something you shouldn’t worry about, not while he gets to see a different side of you that no one else gets the privilege to see.

Seeing you come with a pretty smile spread upon those lips, while you convince him to take a break and relax from all the papers he’s been doing. He might just do it since you’re the one asking (and he can’t resist that smile)

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

“Sunday, you should take a break, or else your hands might cramp up from working so hard.”

A gentle smile plastered on those lips while you had his hand intertwined with your own, pressing it against your chest, almost as if you were giving him your blessing—it makes him feel as if he’s a teenager with a crush—gaze turning into a gentle one.

“I must’ve lost track of time, I didn’t mean to worry you, yet there still are many papers to do.” He sighs, before gently pulling his hand away—to not hurt your feelings—yet you grab onto his hand again—not wanting him to start back his work. 

“Please take a break Sunday, I’ll only let you work if you take a break right now.” You conveyed, his hand can’t help but stare at both of your hands intertwined before taking a fresh breath of air at your intervention.

“If it makes you happy, then I’ll take a break,” A weary smile on his lips when your eyes light up at his agreement with your lips going back to that smile

“Yet I would like for you to stay with me.”

he loves the look of it, why don’t you keep it that way on his whole break? It’ll even motivate him to finish his work faster.

“If it helps you.”

if you liked this, consider tipping me on ko-fi! it'd mean a lot!

[harlowsbby]

Good Off You

You’ve been feeling empty within your relationship with Jack as of lately all it seemed like the two of you did was argue about the same things.

It was always about Mia she was one of his close friends from Atlanta he swore up and down like a sailor that she wasn’t someone you had to worry about but if that was the case how come you felt as if you needed to worry.

This relationship was starting to feel very much one sided or that there was a disconnect and that disconnect was coming from Jack, you weren’t sure how you were going to fix your relationship with Jack or if it was even worth saving at this point.

————————————————————————

“What’s going on with you two? According to Nemo, Jack’s been at his house all week.”

You called Neelam earlier that day telling her you needed to get out of the house you didn’t care where the two of you went you just needed time away from that house.

“Did he lie and say that I was the one that kicked him out the house?” Neelam was quiet you chuckled and rolled your eyes. “You see what I mean he’s always playing this pick me role and acting like I’m the problem when it’s really him.” You defended yourself.

“What’s even going on? I don’t even know the full story.” The last you wanted to do was bring everyone into your relationship you hated having people in your business but you trusted Neelam.

“You know Mia right?” She nodded her head. “Yeah I know Mia.”

You sighed heavily, “Lately I just don’t.. I don’t know he’s been talking to her a lot more and you know I’ve always had weird feelings about her from the start and Jack always told me I didn’t have to worry about her but now.” You paused. “I’m starting to worry about her.”

You didn’t want your relationship with Jack to end this way you didn’t want to be the one being cheated on. You thought he loved you at least that’s what he said and made you believe and feel. You always had this feeling that deep down Jack wasn’t really yours like that because he always had Mia.

“What was your last argument about? If you don’t mind me asking because he told Nemo that you kicked him out.” You huffed and looked at her. “About Mia.”

A few days ago

“Why is she texting you at Damn 2am in the morning huh? That’s all I want to know and you’re beating around the fucking bush with your answer dammit!” It was 2am in the morning and while you’d much rather be fast asleep in bed instead you were up arguing with Jack.

“I told you it’s nothing just drop it already would you.” He snapped back and snatched his phone from your grasp. “No I won’t just drop it because it doesn’t make sense as to why she’s calling you this fucking late.”

He ignored you and kept texting away on his phone probably responding back to Mia no doubt. “Are you even listening to me?” He scoffed and looked up at you his blue eyes that you once fell in love with were now filled with what seemed to be hatred and irritation. “You’re talking aren’t you? You know I can’t deal with this tonight Y/N.”

You scrunched your eyebrows together wondering where he was going. “Where are you going?” You watched as he got up and grabbed his keys and wallet. “Jack? Where are you going.” You walked over to him and grabbed his hand trying to pull him into you but he shook you off.

“I’m going to Nemo’s for a bit I think some time apart will do us some good.” He stated with no emotion whatsoever. “Are you kidding me right now?” You scoffed and shook your head at him.

“Honestly I can’t believe you right now you’d rather walk out than just tell me the truth.” He raised his eyebrows. “The truth on what? I told you nothing is going on better Mia and Myself, I’m sorry you’re just so insecure and can’t handle the fact that I have female friends.” He spat.

You were taken back by his response never in your entire time of being with Jack has he ever said something like that to you or even spoke to you that way. “Fine just go.” You whispered and hugged yourself and looked down at the ground, you knew if you were to make eye contact you’d break down crying instantly.

“I’ll see you around Y/N.” When the door was closed you finally let your tears fall you cried the entire night till you cried yourself to sleep.

Current time

“He said all that to you? I can’t even believe it.” Neelam was in disbelief she never thought in a million years would Jack ever talk to someone he claimed he loved like that.

“Yeah he said all of that and I haven’t heard from him since. I just hate the way I know he’s sleeping with her but he won’t admit it.” You just wanted him to be honest with you even if the truth hurt.

The two of you decided to sit at the park you on one swing and Neelam on the other, the two of you sat on the swings just watching the sunset.

“What should I do? Do I just break up with him or do I stay with him.” You mumbled and fiddled with the hem of your hoodie.

“I’d hate to see the two of you break up but you know what sometimes you gotta make a decision that breaks your heart but gives you peace.” Neelam told you.

You knew this wasn’t going to be easy because you loved Jack you were honestly afraid to find a new love after Jack because you felt as if all guys were going to be the same.

————————————————————————

“Let’s go Y/N the Uber is already outside waiting on us!” Neelam yelled from the bottom of the stairs the two of you were going to Ace’s rooftop party he was celebrating the release of his newest solo project, you knew Jack was going to be there so you decided to dress up a bit tonight just to show him what he was missing.

You twirled around a few times making sure your outfit looked good. You grabbed your purse and headed downstairs where Neelam stood. “It’s about damn time the guy was threatening to leave.” You put your hands up in defense. “Sorry I had to make sure I looked good.”

“Whatever let’s just get going before Urban and Sunni eat up all the food.” The car ride to the hotel was fairly short so you made it under 10 minutes.

When you made it to the top of the roof you immediately when to the edge of the building and took in the beauty of Downtown Louisville at night, there was a few fireworks going off in the distance and a few people down below just laughing and having a good time but the moon is what caught your eye.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” You rolled your eyes open hearing that familiar voice. “It is beautiful now what do you want.”

“Can you at least look at me.” You took a second trying your best to prepare yourself you turned around slowly and was met face to face with Jack. He licked his lips as he looked you up and down. “You look good as always baby.”

“Thanks.” You both stood there awkwardly you didn’t really know what to say I mean the last time the two of you tried talking it resulted in a argument. “Look I’m sorry for what I said what I said was wrong.” “You think? You hurt my feelings Jack.”

He licked his lips and sighed. “I know I did and I’m sorry baby I don’t wanna lose you I promise I’m done talking to Mia.” You raised your eyebrow at him. “Oh really? And what made you stop taking to her.”

“Because I’d rather have a life with you than live a life without you.” He stated. “Really?” You whispered and sniffled which made Jack laugh.

“Don’t tell me you’re getting all soft and shit now.” He stuck his arms out and you quickly ran into his arms, he grinned and wrapped his arms around you tight and started swinging the two of you back and forth.

“I love you so much baby.” “I love you too Jack.”

You both pulled away from each other and Jack looped his hands with yours. “Let’s go enjoy tonight yeah?” You smiled and nodded. “Let’s do it.”

Halfway through the party a majority of the people there ended up passing out on some of the chairs or couches Ace had gotten for the event. Jack was a bit tipsy himself he laid on the couch with a drunken Urban laying next to him, you couldn’t find your phone at all so you needed to use Jack’s.

The music was still going though considering a good majority of people were still dancing and eating.

“Jack, let me see your phone I need to call my phone.” You rushed him he took his phone out his pocket and handed it to you. “Here babe you know the password yeah?” He asked.

“Yeah I know it I’ll be right back.” He nodded and you stepped off to the side and unlocked his phone you went to press the call button next to your contact when you noticed Jack had about 25 missed texts and 3 missed calls.

You looked behind you making sure he was still on the couch before clicking onto the messages.

“What the hell.” You frowned seeing all the messages were from Mia, all of them saying how she misses him and wonders when he’s leaving the party soon.

“So he wasn’t with Nemo.” You mumbled to yourself you looked back over at Jack who was now dozing off on the couch you shook your head and bit your bottom lip to stop it from trembling, you looked back down at the phone when it buzzed again.

Mia 💘

‘Did you tell her you’re breaking up with her yet? She needs to know the truth’

You knew texting her back and making her believe that you were Jack was wrong but you needed to know what truth she was talking about.

Jack 🩵

‘What do I even say’

Your heart started beating when you saw the three little dots appearing on the screen but then they disappeared again.

“Fuck I knew she wasn’t gon-.” You stopped talking mid sentence when she texted back.

Mia 💘

‘Just tell her straight up that I’m pregnant and that you’re leaving her to raise a family with me obviously, your kid needs you Jack.’

You knew it even though you knew that he was cheating on you with her it still hurt it hurt even more that she was having a baby with a man you once loved, with the man you swore you were going to spend forever with, with the man who told you that she wasn’t anybody to worry about but turns out she was somebody to worry about.

[bleedchan]

went through all my weed way quicker than i was expecting 😵‍💫 on the bright side if i can come up with just $5 i’ll have enough for weed again lol. kms

vivian burning through all her weed too quickly is a common theme, but lately it’s been because, well… a couple months ago (thanks to acid) i realized i’m into a Really Bad fictional thing, and i started being able to have a libido again and stuff. like prior i thought i was asexual or it was my hormones or something because i was going like 3 months without masturbating etc, lol.

without getting into it i don’t think i’m harmful because like i’m extremely meek and i find irl humans repulsive and i don’t like the idea of even talking about it with other people or externalizing it because i can barely get past the feeling of being into something so enthusiastically universally loathed long enough to be able to like stimulate myself to completion. like when you get abused (especially sexually abused) it really messes you up sometimes, and like, unfortunately it’s been a long, long struggle only to figure out that the only way i can cum anymore is to like seclude myself in a locked room by myself and quietly think about my disgusting thing lol

i don’t even like hinting at it or anything. like without being dramatic i think it would be extremely easy to get me to kill myself, and unfortunately my brain got changed by sexual abuse such that something i really don’t want to get horny about is just about the only thing that works lol. it’s honestly really funny in a cosmic sense. like the way things have gone in my life thus far i think i either really pissed off god in a past life, or he has a really insane sense of humor and this will all somehow be worth it if i just tough it out and don’t be harmful until i die naturally. like we’ll both just laugh and laugh

but anyway, i already felt disconnected from everyone due to being fundamentally weird/damaged and that’s definitely intensified lol. it’s not something i want to try to cure or redirect either because it’s like literally the first signs of life after having a completely dead libido and just going through the motions or letting myself get lovebombed and manipulated and fucked by random horrible guys for years. like either i can have orgasms and afterglow again or i can go back to never experiencing sexual pleasure on top of how horrible my life already is. i’d honestly prefer genital mutilation and suicide at that point lol. like what’s the fucking point of anything. almost everyone would enthusiastically agree i should kill myself for having a yucky cartoon fetish due to abuse and if i internalized that as the morally correct stance like what’s the fucking point, i should just start a gofundme to buy a shotgun and one shell and just kill myself now, right? idk. i feel awkward even trying to advocate for the idea that i shouldn’t kill myself, and i’m not sure how i’m supposed to not internalize feelings like that unless i completely avoid social media

on top of that i’ve been a little worried i have something like bile duct cancer lol. the gi couldn’t rule it out and while her bedside manner was fantastic and she didn’t bring that up and she reassured me for a long time, i still have to get a bunch of imaging done soon lol. like hopefully it’s nothing, but if that happens on top of everything (bile duct cancer is apparently super incurable lol) then i’ll be convinced i’m part of some big cosmic joke.

at least acid seems to help with the trauma and existential agony, so i’m looking forward to shrooms next month. the feeling once a psychedelic trip starts kicking in and it feels like the internal scar tissue is softening and colors and patterns start looking more pretty and i can’t help but laugh because it feels like i’ve been let in on this big cosmic joke and i feel like i’m being petted by god and like i can enjoy things i used to 15 years ago again—it’s really unlike any other substance. it’s definitely what i was looking for the whole time.

weed is kind of more of a bandaid, and a very temporary one. it’s definitely the best readily available thing at least—i have to get blackout drunk to get where i need to be (not uncommon for people with ptsd!) and alcohol is way rougher on your body. with weed i just get really outgoing and annoying and chatty about like art and music, and when i run out i get like chills and nausea and that’s it. and like i’ve tried living sober but i end up not being able to get out of bed or do anything for half a year lol. like not to get too into it but i also have like chronic exhaustion and pain and stuff that doctors just sort of gave up on, so idk if that’s like related to ptsd or depression or whatever. honestly the only things that have worked at all are weed and lsd 😵‍💫

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 03/04/2025

Slow Day – Wrapping Up at IHOP Woke up in the morning, got up, and finally drank the stuff my little sister gave me last night since I was too tired to take it then. No coffee last night—just didn’t want the caffeine messing with my sleep. I started my day by catching up on work, going through referrals for IHOP, emails, and team chats.

The workload felt slower than usual, which I guess makes sense. My responsibilities as an EMT are fading out, shifting to the CHWs, and things feel less hectic. No emergency requests, no last-minute rushes—just monotony. It’s a weird feeling.

While working, I was also communicating back and forth with my future Police Department regarding academy details. Everything is moving forward, but it’s hitting me how much things are about to change.

Thinking About a Trip to the Philippines

With nothing major happening at work, I started looking into flights to the Philippines. I was surprised at how cheap round-trip tickets were—around $1,000. The idea of visiting before the academy starts has been on my mind, but I wasn’t sure if it was worth it or not.

I texted Nate, who’s currently in Vietnam, to see if he’d be down to go with me. He’s thinking about it, which could make the trip even better.

Later, I mentioned the idea to my mom, and she was skeptical about it. She questioned why I’d take a vacation before the academy, saying I should be focusing on training instead. She’s not entirely against it, but she didn’t seem thrilled either. She did say she’d respect my decision, so it’s still on the table.

Resignation Letter – Finalizing My Last Day

I finalized my resignation letter today. It felt personal and emotional, considering I’ve spent over a year at IHOP and built strong connections with my coworkers. I’ve had solid leadership here, and it’s honestly a bit surreal that I’m leaving.

While drafting it, I realized that my original last day was set for March 31st, but that’s Cesar Chavez Day (a holiday). So, I rewrote it—now, my official last day is March 28th.

It hit me that I will miss this job, the camaraderie, and the connections I’ve made. If this job paid more, I could have stayed another five years, but let’s be real—a Police Officer salary is way better, and I need something that allows me to live comfortably, especially in California.

Conversations with Coworkers – Opening Up to Kaci

While working, I ended up having a random deep conversation with Kaci (the RN). Not sure how it happened, but I found myself opening up about my past—which is unusual for me at work. She seemed genuinely interested, which was nice, but the convo felt a little too personal for my comfort.

To switch gears, I tried shifting the conversation to food, joking that I’d rather stay in the U.S. because we have Chick-fil-A. Apparently, she doesn’t like Chick-fil-A—which already made me side-eye her choices—but what really threw me off was when she said she’d rather have a McChicken from McDonald’s. At that point, I nearly crashed out of disbelief.

She knows I’m leaving soon, but it still felt weird realizing how short my time at IHOP is now.

No Gym, No Motivation – Fighting Off Procrastination

I was supposed to work out today, but my brain told me not to. Probably depression creeping in, because I kept procrastinating, even though I knew I should be training for the academy.

My mind and body are in a weird disconnect—I know I need to stay in shape, but the mental exhaustion is making me put it off. I need to snap out of it soon, or I’m gonna regret it once the academy starts.

Gaming – Failing at Battlecruiser Rush in Starcraft 2

Instead of working out, I ended up playing Starcraft 2 and trying out the Battlecruiser Rush tactic. A lot of people online claim they can pull it off in under five minutes, so I wanted to test it myself.

Turns out, I suck at it. No matter how hard I tried, I could only get it done by the 10-minute mark. I kept analyzing my mistakes—maybe I was over-saving minerals, or maybe I wasn’t managing gas properly—but after multiple failed attempts, I just gave up and called it a day.

The 5-minute Battlecruiser Rush feels impossible, and honestly, I don’t know how people do it.

Mental Health Check – Depression Lurking, but Managing It

The depression is still lingering, but I’ve been masking it well. There wasn’t anything major today to set me off, but I could feel it in the background.

I’m just moving forward at this point—resignation letter finalized, planning for the academy, and trying to keep my mind occupied.

Tomorrow’s a new day, and I’ll just keep pushing through.

[foxingpeculiar]

Okay, I’m going to vent about my day for a second. Cos, ooh, this was one.

So. It starts at about 8am. I’m an early riser these days, so I’ve been up since 6-ish. And I’m doing what I usually do in the morning before work, which is I have podcast on and I’m cleaning and sipping coffee and just kind of getting myself going.

Except, at about 8am today, my smoke alarms start randomly going off. Now I want to be clear here: this was entirely unoccasioned. Nothing was on fire. There was no smoke. Neither stove, nor oven were in use. Several humidifiers were active. And yet one of the three alarms in this 900 square-foot apartment would get going, which would then immediately set off the other two. Which meant that into this placid morning atmosphere came a sudden, unexpected, and extremely loud noise.

And okay. I managed to climb up on an office chair and hit the button and get them to shut up. Except, by the time I got to the couch to sit down and let some of the adrenaline drain out, they would go off again. This happened for several rounds.

Okay, sometimes they beep because they’re low on battery, right? Except these don’t have batterie, they’re the hardwired kind. But okay, I’m handy enough at this point, I have worked professionally in both electronics and fire equipment, let’s see what we got here.

But it all happens so fast, I can’t quite tell which is the ringleader. So there I am, back up on the chair, pulling each of them out of the ceiling and, through 2/3 of that process, finding nothing amiss. But then I get to the third one.

And as soon as I pull it off the mounting, I notice one of the three wire connections has become disconnected. I notice this because the connector cap falls into my face the moment I move the device off the wiring hole.

Okay, that could be what’s doing it. Let me shut off the power to this room on the circuit breaker. Then I can just rewire that connection real quick, switch the power back on, and all will be well.

But no! Because, apparently, after it hit my cheek, this connector cap disappeared into some nether yet unknown to the laws of physics. I looked for this thing for like an hour. In, on, and under goddamn everything within a remotely conceivable radius. And even though I do have a lot of weird shit in my toolbox (a repurposed shoebox in my front closet), I don’t have a replacement for that particular thing.

In the process of this, the other two connections come loose. Fortunately, I am able to collect the remaining two caps and set them aside with the device. Also fortunately, it seems I was correct that this was the source of the noise because, thank god, at least that has stopped.

But the problem is, I can’t deal with this now, because it’s now almost 9:30 and I have to leave for work. Which means, I have to leave the power shut off in this room, lest I have an exposed live wire dangling from the ceiling while I’m not around to keep an eye on it. There’s only one or two things on that circuit that need to remain plugged in, so okay, a couple extension cords later and it should be fine.

But I’m in a bit of a state at this point. Because the sudden onslaught of loud noise has triggered that whole fight/flight/freeze instinct really heavily. And then, on top of that, losing that connector cap makes me feel like I’m losing my goddamn mind, and that gets me even more worked up.

And then I get to go to work!

And okay, normally I can just kind of check out at work and it’s fine. My job—delivering pizza—is not hard by any means. Usually. But there are some days that test one’s patience.

Such as today. In which we had two timed orders within an hour of each other, totaling together 119 pizzas. During the lunch rush. And, coming in to “help,” is our boss’s boss’s boss, so we all have to be on good behavior. Which means everyone is tense, there’s like twice as much prep work as usual, and everything is just like a nightmare pain in the ass for the first half of the day.

So like, I’m already on my last fucking nerve, and I come into this apocalyptically-mooded situation. Which is already a bad recipe. But there’s also this other thing.

And I don’t want to get too much into it, but basically, the woman I’ve been in love with for like 20 years and have recently reconnected with in a really intimate way is in the process of figuring out an abusive (by any reasonable standard—she can at least admit at this point that it’s toxic) relationship. And they were about to go on vacation today when he had a family crisis he is NOT emotionally prepared to handle. And so, in the back of my head is a low-key concern for what that might mean for her. (She also had an intense day, but she’s fine.)

So okay. You put all that together. And what happens? Fucking panic mode. That’s what happens.

And okay. I can field that at this point. It takes some energy and I’m gonna be weird (and mutter to myself A LOT) today, but I can be polite and customer-facing when I have to be. And yeah, okay, some little shit is going to go wrong because my brain isn’t working and that’s just gonna keep the whole panic cycle going, but mostly I know how to do my job, and it’s all fine, and I’m going to walk away with a decent amount of money and [name redacted] is doing okay, and the house isn’t on fire and the cats aren’t dead, and none of the horrible catastrophizing in my head came true and I have tomorrow off and all I have to do is the thing in front of me and breathe so my chest doesn’t explode.

I don’t get panic like that much anymore. Or, I haven’t for years, because I developed a process to shut that down, so that I had the space to kind of get my shit at least mostly together. But then, in the process of that shutdown, I cut off parts of myself, and now I’m ready to admit I need those parts. Which means confronting some things and also means this sort of thing might happen but actually, though, it’s all okay and I can find ways to redirect that energy so it doesn’t blow me up.

But sheesh. I’m glad I have tomorrow off.

[silverdelirium]

SWEET TOOTH | J.P

SUMMARY ➠ ice cream man!james fucks you in his ice cream truck

WARNINGS ➠ fingering, dirty talk, semi-public sex, praise kink, humiliation (?), pet names, bit of a breeding kink, not proofread

WORD COUNT ➠ 2.0k

A/N ➠ the long awaited ice cream man james smut ;) oh and this is for @hellounicorn <33

———

you were in that stage between dreams and reality when you heard it.

the small tune that you memorized since you started living in this neighbourhood— he always passed by in summer; and god, were you craving something cold and tasty to munch on when it was a thousand degrees outside.

you hummed in content as you lifted yourself from your bed, stretching your lips and rummaging through your closet in an attempt to find a comfortable and decent attire to meet james; as weird as it sounded, you wanted to impress the ice cream man and it was safe to say that you had developed a small crush— james had always been so nice to you, going as far as giving you free popsicles in exchange for a brief conversation.

the tip of your nerves went on fire as you stepped outside; spotting him buckling his belt. he was wearing a tight fit white shirt that had you drooling and shuddering.

——

“there you go, kiddo” chuckled james after delivering a chocolate ice cream to the last kid of the big crowd that had formed earlier.

he sighed in disappointment when he realized that you still hadn’t come out yet— he had purposely parked the van a few feet from your house, just so you could maybe pop by and have a nice chat with him.

truth is that james missed you. he hadn’t seen you since last summer and it had already been a shitty weather day, he knew you would be the only one to lift his mood up with that bright smile of yours.

james went back to the driver’s seat and as he finished buckling himself up he heard a small scream of his name upfront.

holy fuck— thought james.

you were wearing a small cute sundress that accentuated your figure in the best way possible, and when he let his eyes travel down to your chest, he caught a glimpse of your peebled nipples. leading him to get into the conclusion that you might only be wearing panties underneath that dress. his cock ached at the thought.

he stepped on the pedal lightly and drove closer to you, until the truck was right in line with your home.

“hi there, sweetheart!” he greeted, unbuckling his seatbelt and going into the back— where he was met with your face through the open window.

“hello james” you giggled “long time, no see, huh?”

“damn right you are, honey— i was starting to wonder if you moved out, what took you so long?” he spoke in a querying tone.

the tip of your ears and nose grew hot as you remembered struggling to find something cute for him. “oh— uhm, i was just— looking for my shoes you know?” you awkwardly chuckled, staring down at the five dollar bill in your hand as if it was the most interesting thing in the planet.

he gave you a bit of an amused look before shaking his head “whatever you say, pretty girl” your tummy fluttered as the nickname dripped from his lips like sweet honey.

“what would you like today, hm?”

“oh just— something sweet and creamy, like an ice cream popsicle” you shrugged, not noticing the effect your words had on james.

“i know something of yours that is sweet and creamy” he murmured under his breath. “what was that?” “oh, no nothing” he gave you a tight lipped smile, his cheeks dusting pink.

“right well uhm, the ice cream”

“oh shoot yeah— what uh” he paused to clear his throat “what flavor where you thinking of, petal?” and his sweet flirty persona was back on, as if the thought of having a face full of your pussy wasn’t replaying on his head over and over again.

“i don’t know” you groaned, almost embarrassed at your sudden indecisiveness.

“you can come in you know? take a look at the flavors and see which one catches your attention more” he offered, sparing you a small smile.

“won’t you get in trouble for that?” you cocked your head to the side. “i don’t mind” he shrugged, the corners of his lips still quirked up as he opened up the back door for you; already holding both of his hands out to help you climb in.

what a gentleman, you thought.

“there we go, honey. take your time.” spoke james as he patted your waist twice, sending a buzz of excitement all throughout your body that almost made you shudder on the spot.

the variety of flavours seemed so appetizing you started wishing you would’ve brought your whole wallet to buy all of them at once, but a peach flavoured ice cream would do.

as you went to give james the money he only chuckled and said “you know i wouldn’t charge a pretty little thing like you, your presence is enough” before handing you the sweet and throwing you a wink as he rested his back on the frame of the window.

the way his muscles flexed as he crossed them over his chest had you questioning whether you should’ve asked for his cock instead of a fucking popsicle—

and god… that damn shirt had your core clenching around air as your mind wandered about him fucking you in every position possible, he just looked so elegantly inviting.

“you done staring, sweetheart?”

shit. you didn’t even realize.

“oh my god, i am so sorry, i should probably leave” you nervously laughed, heading towards the back doors, only to have a large hand around your abdomen stop you.

holy fuck. james potter’s body was pressed against yours and you almost let out a moan as his breath fanned over the side of your petrified face.

“you can’t just leave me all alone in here, sweetie” his hand traveled lower down your mid drift. by now, your stupid peach flavored popsicle was long gone somewhere on the floor, melting. almost as much as you were against james’ hefty chest.

you swallowed thickly, blinking a few times to collect yourself as you turned your head to the side, it was hot breath against hot breath now; if only one of you made the first move—

“oh fuck this” he growled, disconnecting his palm from your pelvis and instead linking it with your jaw to have more access against your lightly chapped lips.

the lip-lock was vulgar and enticing since the start, both of you feeling the luscious sparks that it sent to your sex.

“i’ve been way too fucking patient” you heard him mumble as he took your lower lip in between his teeth, coaxing a whine as you felt your core drip with arousal. “bet you think about me when that pretty cunt is begging for relief, huh?”

“yes jamie, i do. i fucking do” you heaved, impassionedly grinding your bum against his bulging crotch. “i’m gonna fuck you nice and long today, baby. until all you can do is beg for more”

his words went straight to your sopping cunt as he waddled you forward, his mouth still on yours, to the window.

his lips detached from yours. “there we go baby, stay nice and loud for me, yeah? want the whole fucking neighbourhood to know who’s stuffing you full.”

your fingers gripped the edge of the window tightly as james nipped at your neck, his left hand bunching up your dress while the right one’s simultaneously prodded at your swollen button. “you came all bare for me, honey? bet you wanted me to fuck you good once and for all” he groaned, not giving you a warning as he slipped two fingers at once, leaving you a gasping mess as your knuckles turned white from holding on to the frame of the aperture you were leaned on.

“james!” you cried out quietly, rocking your hips back onto his fingers as the ones from his free hand made a path to your throat, lightly squeezing the sides.

his digits made wonders to your contracting insides, juices already making a sticky mess on your thighs as he curled them upwards, caressing your g-spot in a mouth-watering manner; the pad of his thumb made way to your clit, soothing it in tight figure eights as your legs shook, pulling small wails after wails from you.

feeling the thrill of the enticing orgasm building up, you brought one of your hands back to tangle itself on the male’s dark curls, only to have him tut at you as he removed his drenched fingers.

“wha— no! please!” you shamelessly begged, not giving a shit about anything else besides the ache on your heat.

james did nothing besides giving you a wicked grin as he let go of your neck, now focusing on lowering down his trousers— which quickly had you shutting up as you stared in fascination.

he was definitely the biggest you have had so far. a nice length with a thickness that would make a barbarous stretch feel so fucking delirious.

“i’m not sure if i can fit in that tiny hole of yours, precious. maybe i should just leave you like this” he fake pouted, a hint of amusement lacing his features as your bottom lip trembled at the thought of not having him inside you in the next fifteen seconds or so. “no! it’ll fit! make it fit” you mewled, rubbing your pooling cunt against his grith.

“so impatient” he chuckled, stabilizing your hips with his hands before forcing himself into you in one single unforgiving push, making you let out a small scream as your eyes shut tight.

james gave you a few moments for you to get comfortable before you rocked your hips backwards into his as a sign of consent. his hand travelled upwards to grope at your breasts as he thrusted deeply.

“my god, you feel like absolute heaven” he grunted, and even though you couldn’t hear him, the strain in his voice gave away that he was probably with his head thrown back, abs clenching and biceps flexed as his chest heaved, a sight for sore eyes truly.

your mouth stayed agape as his tip kissed your g-spot. your vision clouded with small black stars that had you genuinely question whether they were really painted in your house or not.

james started with a brutal speed since the start, the smacking of your skin against his was filthy and loud, you could only hope mr. benson wouldn’t go for a walk today.

the van rocked and lightly squeaked with every thrust of james’ and you tried your best to contain every loud moan and cry that might alarm the whole block. james had other plans though. “say my name baby, don’t hold back, i want to have your pretty moans fucking memorized”

you complied, throwing your last fucks out of the window and chanting his name like a prayer as your eyes rolled to the back of your head, his strong arms moving to hold you up by the bending of your elbows, causing your spine to arch in a perfect C as james continuously grunted in your ear.

“you’re gonna be absolutely cockdrunk after i’m done with you, honey” he groaned, speeding up the push of his hips and biting down on your shoulder as he brought you both closer to the edge.

“james! i’m gonna cum so hard, don’t stop please, don’t fucking stop” you sobbed, moaning uncontrollably as the coil in your stomach unravelled without any form of forewarning.

“there we go, cream my cock so nicely baby” whispered james, still fucking your quivering pussy through the orgasm with an aggressive pace. “oh fuck, this tight cunt is gonna milk me dry, yeah?”

you could only answer him with a whimper as your legs almost gave out on you if it wasn’t for him holding you up, a few more sloppy thrusts and he was spraying your fluttering walls with his cum, whines escaping his lips.

a breathy moan passed through your mouth as he pulled out, his load slowly flowing out of your puffy folds.

“you look so hot when you’re stuffed full of my cum, sweetheart.” rasped james, peppering your cheeks with soft kisses.

———

i’m tagging the people who clicked “all” in my taglist, dm me if you wish to be removed.

🏷: @selenesheart @siriusblackwifeeey @alohastitch0626 @remuslupinswhore @caosfanblr @memorycharm @abbott27 @elizabethrosedarling @samaraaaaa @malfoyspov @ildm4ev @kieracass4lyfers @acciodignity @methblinds @adrianscumslut @wh0re4blaise @dracomalfoys-wh0re @dlmmdl @lolooo22 @darlingmalfoy @littlemissnoname13 @riddleswh0rekrux @lostaurorax @alexavolturisblog @marauderswh0re1 @black-rose-29 @emma67 @mypainistemporary @mauvea @teenwolfbitches28 @lissa-duh @paniicing @alohastitch0626 @caosfanblr @memorycharm @youreso-golden @malfoyspov

[check your privacy settings if i wasn’t able to tag you ]

[skyeet-the-writer]

The Love Among Us

Chapter 1-- I’d Never Snitch On Daddy

so i haven’t seen many corpse husband x reader stories on here, so i decided to upload one myself. i’ve been watching jacksepticeye’s among us videos and when i heard corpse talk for the first time, i was like, “hol up” and now i’ve been obsessed with him. also, go stream his music on spotify, it’s amazing. enjoy! x. 

 corpse husband x female!reader

summary: while playing among us, y/n watches corpse kill felix in o2. when his body is reported, however, she doesn’t tell who killed him. 

 word count: ~3.6k

warnings: swearing, mentions of death (not real death), mentions of murder (not real murder)

EDIT: before i wrote this and after i published it, i did not know that corpse did not like to be referred to as “daddy”. had i known this, i would have not even thought of posting this. and since i know now, i won’t refer to him as such in the future. thank you. (10/19/2020)

EDIT 2: this is the first part to my corpse x reader series. i will be adding chapters as we go!

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4 rounds before the incident

“I was in coms with PJ!” Sean exclaims. 

“He is doing the liar voice!” Felix shouts with a laugh. 

“I’m not,” Sean tries to say, but everyone talks over him and the voting time ends. Everyone left alive, though it was only four people, had all voted for him and he yells at them as he gets ejected. 

stinky was not the imposter

2 imposters remain

The round ends and everyone unmutes themselves. 

“Lizzie, you saw Felix kill me and you did nothing!” Roomie yells as soon as the round ends and the imposters are revealed. 

“Yeah, because I was the other imposter.”

“Oh. Okay, well that makes sense.”

Everyone laughs and Ken starts the round again. 

“Wait, can I invite y/n to play? She’s doing her twenty-four-hour stream and she just finished playing Monopoly with Mark, Bob, and Wade,” says Lizzie, looking down at her phone as they all appear back in the waiting room. 

“Yes,” Corpse blurts out and there are a few laughs and chuckles. 

“You were quick to answer, Corpse,” Sean teases. 

“Shut up,” Corpse mumbles and there are even more laughs. 

Lizzie smiles and taps into her phone. “I’m gonna invite her.”

~

“I can’t believe that you actually made that deal, y/n,” Wade is telling you after ending the second round of Monopoly that you’ve played with them. 

You smile and cross your legs on your chair. “Look, I was going bankrupt and it seemed good at the time. Besides, Mark was going to win anyway, he owned half of the board.” Your phone buzzes beside you on your desk and you pick it up. “Lizzie texted me.” There’s a sound effect that plays in your headset and you look up at your screen and smile. “Thanks to _lorieplays _for donating a hundred dollars, that means a lot. Thank you so much.”

“Do you want to play another round?” Marks asks. 

You shake your head, reading the text from your friend in England. “No, I don’t want to lose to you again.” You laugh. “Nah, Lizzie wants me to play Among Us with her and a few others. It was fun playing with you guys.”

“It was even though you took all of my money,” Bob snaps. 

You laugh. “Yeah, yeah. See you guys later.”

“Bye,” says Mark.

“See y--” Wade begins but you cut him off when you disconnect from the call. 

“Oops.” You put a hand over your mouth and laugh. “Sorry, Wade. Okay.” You straighten up and glance over everything, making sure it’s all working properly. “I have to pee and I think my roommate ordered pizza, so we’ll be back after this short break. Enjoy this live feed of my pet rats.” You giggle and switch the stream over to a view of your two rats in their cage where you have a camera set up. You take your headset off and head out of your recording room. 

Every two months, you have a twenty-four-hour livestream where you play games with your friends from all around the world. Despite being only twenty-five, your Youtube channel had grown exponentially in the past three years and you’ve had the chance to meet lots of other Youtubers like Markiplier, PewDiePie, and your close friend, LDShadowLady. 

Currently, you’re on hour twenty of twenty-four and you’re beginning to feel the effects of not sleeping for a whole day. You had been drinking coffee and energy drinks for the past four hours and that seemed to perk you up for two hours max. But your roommate had ordered pizza and that would hopefully wake you up. 

After going to the bathroom and grabbing an entire box of pizza, you return to your recording room and sit down. You put your headset back on and eat a slice of pizza before switching the views back to you. “And we’re back. I hope you guys enjoyed my rats because I don’t. They keep me up at night.”

You read a comment while loading up Among Us and laugh. “No, they’re not dead. They’re sleeping. They do that a lot when they’re not fighting.” 

When you finally get into the game and entire the code, you spawn in. You also quickly join the Discord chat and wince when nearly ten voices hit you at once. 

“y/n!” exclaims Lizzie and the other voices die down for a moment before rising to greet you. 

You wince again but laugh. “Jesus, you guys are loud. Hey, Lizzie.” You move your character to the customize tab and go to try and switch your color. But then you frown and realize that you’re stuck with being dark blue. “Damn, I wanted to be white.”

“Do you want to switch?” Corpse asks. 

Your eyes widen you your stomach flips. You hadn’t noticed Corpse was in this game. Immediately, your chat became flooded with keyboard smashing and lots of “omg my shipp” and “y/n rlly said ‘anna oop-’” 

“Uh, yeah, if you don’t mind,” you manage to stutter out and take a bite of pizza as Corpse’s player comes over and the white option becomes available. You select it and also select the goggles in the hats menu. 

“How’s your stream going?” asks Sean. 

You shrug. “Pretty good. I’m super tired, though. I literally almost fell asleep while playing Monopoly with Mark, Wade, and Bob.”

“You went to college, right?” You’re pretty sure that’s Roomie. 

“Yep,” you affirm with a nod even though they can’t see you. “You’d think that those all-nighters writing papers and studying for finals would make me able to do this.”

There’s a laugh in the group and the round starts.

3 rounds before the incident

You scratch your eyebrow and sigh in relief when you’re the crewmate. You mute yourself and slide up in your chair. 

“I like being the crewmate,” you say, heading towards admin as a habit. “It’s a lot less stressful than being imposter.”

After doing your tasks in admin and fueling the engines, you stumble across a dead body in the lower engine and a vent closing. 

“Oh,” you say, and press the report button. You unmute yourself and begin with, “So I saw a vent close but I didn’t see who went in.”

“Who died?” asks Lizzie. 

“Felix,” says Sean. 

You smirk. “It’s always yellow that dies first.”

“Where was the body?” Ken asks. 

“Lower engine,” you reply. 

“I was in medbay with Corpse doing the scan so it wasn’t him,” PJ says and Corpse makes a noise of confirmation. 

This makes your cheeks heat up and you smack a hand over your mouth. Your chat explodes again but you decide to ignore it. 

“And I was doing wires in cafeteria,” Lizzie says. 

“Sean, where were you?” 

“I was in reactor doing the simon says thing,” he answers. 

You sigh. “I hate that one. What about you, Ken?”

“I was with Roomie in electrical doing the power thing. You know, the one where you have to divert it somewhere else.”

“So do we skip then?” asks Lizzie. 

“No one is super sus, so I’m going to skip,” you answer. 

When no one is ejected, you mute yourself again. “I dunno why, but Sean seems pretty sus. Because I didn’t see him on the way down from upper engine. But I guess he could have gotten there in time.” You shrug and run over to the trash chute in the cafeteria. “RIP to Felix, though.”

After doing the trash there, you head down to storage, running into Corpse doing the wires in there. You wait there to clear him and once you do, you run a few circles around him to get his attention and he follows you over to the trash in storage and watches you do that. After that, the two of you head over to electric together and do wires there. 

Suddenly, there’s a body reported and you unmute yourself. 

“Sean just killed Lizzie in front of me!” exclaims PJ. 

“PJ killed Lizzie,” Sean retorts, flipping the blame. “I watched it, he didn’t realize I was there and murdered her.”

“I watched PJ do the scan in medbay, he’s cleared,” Corpse says and you find yourself smiling for no reason. “Sean, you killed Lizzie.”

“I knew he was sus,” you say, grabbing another piece of pizza. You look at the box and your eyes widen. Had you really already eaten half of it?

“Wait wait, how am I sus?” Sean asks. 

You take a moment to swallow. “Because when I was doing fuel earlier, I was running down from upper engine and didn’t see you in reactor. Sure, maybe you could have gotten there earlier, but it was super weird.” 

The discussion time ends and PJ immediately goes to vote for Sean as well as you, Corpse, and everyone else still alive. Sean ends up getting ejected. 

stinky was an imposter 

1 imposter remains

“You’re such a detective, y/n,” Sean says when he gets ejected. 

You laugh. “I just play this game too much.” You then mute yourself and smile. “I am a genius.” 

You end up finishing your tasks quickly after that and then stand in the cafeteria and eat another piece of pizza and read some of the chat. 

“’ What am I going to do after this?’ I don’t know. I might play some Minecraft. Should I have a poll on Twitter? I’m stuck between public Among Us games, Minecraft, and taking random quizzes on Buzzfeed.” You smile and hear another sound effect and something pops up on the screen. “Thank you to coochie man for donating a hundred dollars, that means a lot.” You laugh at their name. “I love your name, by the way.” 

There’s some rattling in the cage behind you and you turn around to see one of your rats drinking water. You turn back to the chat and read another comment. “’ Do you have a crush on Corpse?’” You blush and smile, biting your lip. “I mean, his voice is hot. I’ve never met him since he lives in San Diego and I live in h/t, but yeah, I guess I do. I’ve been listening to his music for the past few days and it’s really good, you guys should go check it out.”

You look up and unmute yourself when a body is reported. “Who died?” you ask. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Are you already done with your tasks, y/n?” Corpse asks. 

God, even the way he says your name is making you blush. “Yeah, I get them done quick.”

“She does that,” says Lizzie, “She always gets her tasks done quick.”

“Ken is dead by the way,” says Roomie and your snort, smacking a hand over your mouth. “I found him in the hallway by navigation. Where was everyone else?”

“I was in cafeteria doing nothing,” you say, leaning back in your chair and spinning around just a little. “I think I saw PJ downloading while I was in there, but I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Yeah, I was downloading,” says Ken. 

After more discussion, Corpse points out that Jaiden had been following him and it looked like she had been faking tasks. 

“No I haven’t,” she says. 

“That sounds like something the imposter would say,” you hum with a smirk. “That’s pretty sus, Jaiden.”

Everyone else agrees and you all end up voting Jaiden out. 

jaiden was the imposter

0 imposters remain

You cheer as the round ends and a blue victory screen pops up for the crewmates. “Good game, guys,” you say and play again, waiting for the host. 

~

1 round before the incident 

“Oh my god, I’m imposter again?” you groan and sigh when you spawn back in. “I was just imposter, I don’t want to be it again. I’m so bad at it,”

After another short round of you and Felix losing to the crewmates, you all agreed to play two more rounds before Sean had to leave. So you move your character to admin where PJ is and fake the card swipe before moving over to the admin security thing where you could see who was around where. Luckily, no one appeared to be near admin, so you quickly kill PJ and escape through the vent and come out through medbay. 

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” you whisper over and over, running down to storage. “That was clean.” You fake getting fuel and go back up to the upper engine. 

When PJ’s body is reported, you see that your fellow imposter, Sean, had reported it. You stay silent for most of the round and only say that you were in the fuel area when it was reported. 

“Yeah, I saw her run past electrical earlier,” Corpse says. You blush and glance at your exploding chat and shake your head. 

After everyone skips the round, you mute yourself once more and head towards navigation. “I hate this.” You drag the last syllable and watch Lizzie enter the room. You wait a moment before walking towards her and killing her, jumping into one of the vents. You let out a sigh and flex your fingers. “I’m so stressed.” You exit out of the vent into shields and your heart stops when you see someone else in there but you realize that it’s the other imposter, Sean, and you relax. 

You run past him and go to the trash compartments and pretend to unload those. And that’s how the rest of the round goes. You kill someone, someone reports it and you vote someone off. Eventually, you and Sean do a double kill and end up winning the round.

You unmute yourself. 

“Let’s go!” Sean exclaims and you smile. 

“I can’t believe you killed me, y/n!” shouts Lizzie. “I thought we were friends.”

You laugh. “There are no friends in this game. I’m not loyal to anyone in this game. You could be my best friend and I would fucking murder you.”

“That’s cold,” says Roomie as everyone else spawns back in. 

“Yeah,” you nod. 

“Wait, PJ disconnected,” says Sean, and you all end up waiting for him to rejoin. 

In that time, you look at your chat and say, “Hey, do you guys have any questions for who I’m playing with. I’m asking you, chat.”

“I swear if someone asks about my hands, I’m leaving,” Corpse says and everyone laughs. 

You laugh louder when you read a comment and read it aloud, “_Ironlady _says that you should be a hand model, Corpse.”

“Okay, I’m leaving,” you hear Corpse say over everyone laughing. 

“No, stay!” you exclaim, trying not to laugh. “C’mon, don’t leave.”

He sighs deeply and your brain goes fuzzy. “Fine. I’ll stay for you.”

You beam and your tummy turns. You ignore the whistles and remarks from everyone else and stand beside Corpse. You suddenly wish that the little bean characters could hold hands. 

When PJ joins the server again, Ken starts the round and you cross your fingers, hoping to get crewmate. 

0 rounds before the incident

You mute yourself and sigh when you’re a crewmate. “Thank god.” You let out a breath and go over to admin with everyone else. You swipe your card and go to the cafeteria to do some wires there. 

The game turns out to be rather uneventful. A few people die and two people are voted off before the game gets truly interesting. And that happens when you walk in on Corpse and Felix. 

“I’ve had this song stuck in my head for days,” you’re saying, walking from electrical over to O2. “And I can’t get it out of my head. Maybe singing it will help.” You hum the first part. “Don't go in there, you'll become one. Freaky creatures, monster party. Eyes of yellow, scales and feathers, tails in tethers. Turn the lights off. Bend the nightmare, you control it. Artful dodger, easy does it. Shut the closet, get under the covers. Snakes and lovers. Turn the lights off.” You do a little dance for a moment and continue hum the song, glancing at the chat as you go towards O2 after doing wires in storage. 

“Like, I know the song, it’s just been stuck in my head,” you explain. “And it kind of annoys me--”

But you stop as you enter O2 and watch Corpse murder Felix. Neither one of you move and you don’t know what to do. “Uhhh.” 

Then, without thinking, you turn straight around and make your way away from the scene of the murder. “I didn’t see anything!” you shout to no one. “I suddenly can’t see who murdered Felix.” You smack a hand over your mouth and stand in the middle of a hallway. “Oh my god, what do I do? I don’t want to snitch on Corpse, he’s hot.” You scratch the back of your neck and shrug, continuing on to reactor. “I didn’t see anything.”

You’re in the middle of doing the simon says in reactor when Felix’s body is reported. You unmute yourself and fidget with the sleeve of your hoodie. You know exactly who killed Felix. 

“--was in O2,” says Jaiden and you focus back into the conversation. “And I didn’t see anyone around.”

“I saw you heading that way, y/n, but I know it wasn’t you because I saw you do the trash in storage.”

You look at the screen when Sean talks to you and you chew your lip. “I know who killed Felix.”

“Who?” asks almost everyone at the same time. 

You close your eyes and swallow. It’s just a game, why are you taking this so seriously? Suddenly, a song lyric pops into your head and your stomach flips. You imagine yourself saying it and no one knows who you mean except for him. 

You open your eyes. “I’d never snitch on daddy.”

There’s a laugh in the chat and you blush fiercely, your livestream chat blowing up once again.

“I think we know who it is, then,” says Sean, laughing. 

“Yeah,” agrees Lizzie and your eyes widen. 

“Wait, what?” you ask, watching everyone vote almost as soon as the discussion time ends. “Wait, hang on, who--”

“We know who you’re talking about, y/n,” PJ tells you. 

You vote for yourself and your brain goes blank as you see that everyone voted for Corpse. He even voted for himself. They knew. They all _knew _about your feelings for Corpse. 

The round ends with Corpse being voted out and the crewmates win. There’s some talking, but you stay on the victory screen. You’re trying to decide if your mad or embarrassed or both. 

“I didn’t know you’d say that, y/n,” Corpse says, effectively breaking you out of your trance. “I thought you were gonna snitch on me.”

“You heard her,” teases Lizzie and you can tell she’s grinning. “She’d never snitch on you, Corpse.”

He laughs and you feel something in a certain place. “Oh my god, I’m gonna die of embarrassment.” You put your face in your hands, listening to your friends tease you in the chat. You suddenly want to jump out your window and run into traffic. 

“Don’t die,” comes Corpse’s voice through the onslaught of teasing. “I’ll be sad.”

“Fuck!” you shout and slam your hand on your desk, shaking your equipment and scaring your rats. “I’m so sorry, Corpse, that was really weird, I--”

“Stop.” He interrupts you and the chat goes silent and you look up at the screen even though you can’t see him. “It’s okay. It was funny.”

Your eyes widen and then narrow. Funny? He thought what you said was funny? How could he think it was funny?

But then he speaks again and he sounds oddly flustered. “Uh, I gotta go. Um, it was fun playing with you guys. Bye, y/n.”

“Bye Cor--” but then he disconnects and you’re left talking to no one. “--pse.”

There’s a long moment of silence until Felix breaks it. “I can’t believe you just watched me die and didn’t do anything about it.”

There are some laughs and you smile faintly, rejoining the game. “Yeah, uh, sorry about that.”

“Are you okay, y/n?” asks Lizzie. 

You blush and swallow. “I don’t know. God, I’m so weird.” You run a hand through your hair and adjust your headphones

“No, you’re not,” Roomie assures you. “He has a crush on you, too.”

Your eyes widen and you scoot up in your chair. “He does?”

“I mean, he called you pretty once during a game and said that he watches your videos a lot, so maybe.”

You groan and sink in your chair. “I’m gonna go, I need to run into traffic now.”

A few people laugh or chuckle and Lizzie asks you if you’re actually going to leave. 

“Yeah,” you tell her. “But not to run into traffic. I’m going to go play Minecraft to soothe myself.”

“Aw.” You can practically hear her frown. “Okay. Bye, y/n.”

“Good luck with your stream,” Ken tells you. 

You grin. “Okay, thanks, bye.”

When you exit the game and leave the chat, you scream. You actually scream and it’s loud. Your roommate even knocks on your door, asking if you’re okay. 

You look at them and nod. “Yeah, totally fine. Probably about to have a mental breakdown, but I’m fine.”

“Okay,” they say and lean on the doorframe. “But I’m not cutting bangs for you again.”

You laugh and nod. “Yeah, okay, fine.” They leave and you turn back to your stream, feeling like you’re about to cry. Corpse knows you have a crush on him. And it seems like he has one on you as well, but now you’re embarrassed because you called him ‘daddy’ on stream.

You rub your eyes. “Well, now I know what’ll be streaming on Twitter tonight,” you tell the chat. 

[talkfantasytome]

'Twas Never Meant to Be - An Opinion

I have a lot of thoughts about this, and really need to get them out. So, let's talk about Elain and Azriel.

First off, I want to warn you, this post is a beast. Like, over 7.5k words beast. It just kept going. I'm sorry, but I didn't know what to take out and, honestly, I didn't want to spend a lot of time heavily editing it. Tread knowingly. I will not be offended if anyone chooses not to read it, or not to read it all.

Secondly, I want to say that this post is not meant to be a pro-Gwynriel or pro-Elucian post. Regardless of my personal ships, I want to explain why I, personally, do not believe Elain and Azriel would be right for each other. And these reasonings go far beyond "because I'd prefer them with someone else". In fact, these beliefs and feelings are first and foremost in my mind when considering all three of these ships, and any feelings I may or may not have on other ships are always second to my belief that they would not be right together. I will do my best to keep Gwyn and Lucien out of the comparison, unless using them as a way to point to something that would be wrong between Elain and Azriel - versus stating any reason why the other would be right.

The first two reasons I will share are ones I have been holding on to for quite a while, and have only become stronger with more content (Silver Flames). I have, personally, not seen much around these two thoughts, but recognize that they may be out there already, as there is no new thought under the sun. So, here goes:

Step Away From the Characters

Honestly, my first reason really has nothing to do with the characters themselves at all, but it's something I can't get out of my head. It's a personal thing, I know, as everyone might see it differently, but I can't help but feel like the three brothers ending up with the three sisters would be too perfect, too convenient.

I know that it's a shit argument when talking about an SJM book, and the more I read about the series, and the more books that come out within it, the more I recognize this. It makes me sad. But personally, I can't get behind this storyline, this ending that is so perfect it makes my skin crawl. It's not how life works, and it doesn't really make sense. If it were three adoptive sisters, as the bat boys are, it would actually make more sense, because it would stand to reason that you would have a two groups that mirror each other. That one girl who mirrored Rhys, let's say, then befriended to the point of sisterhood ones that mirrored the boys that Rhys befriended to the point of brotherhood. But Nesta, Elain, and Feyre are sisters by blood, not by choice, and so it isn't an automatic that they would be that reflection to the boys. And even though the boys lived together, and weren't fully brought together by choice as much as Mrs. Rhys's mother, they still chose to stay together and be brothers.

We have never, not fully, seen the Archerons make those same choices. These boys live together (or used to), work together, truly share their lives. The Archerons don't. The girls were disconnected before becoming Fae, and they are still disconnected after it. You see it more clearly with Nesta, of course, trying to stay away from the group, stay separate. But you see it with Feyre and Elain too. You see how Elain practically gives up on Nesta, and how Feyre discredits and dismisses Elain as anything more than just a kind soul who likes to garden. You can't, for two seconds, convince me that the Archerons have as similar or as bonded relationships to each other as the bat boys, and that alone tells us that we should not expect them to mirror the boys.

I would also like to note, looking back at the characters for a second, that it has been observed by others how Feyre and Nesta do seem to have similar energies a lot. On top of that, you could argue that Nesta mirrors all three bat boys in one way or another. It's one theory as to why she and Rhys struggle so much with each other, because they're too similar. And, you can't convince me that Az and Nesta don't share a bond because of their own similarities. Nesta's fire was cold as ice. Rhys once observed Azriels rage as an 'icy rage'. I don't think I need to mention how Nesta mirrors Cassian, but it's there too. So, the fact that she would be the sister who ended up with a mate from the Night Court, one of these three brothers, just made a lot of sense. But Elain, who is so different from her sisters, she doesn't have that same energy. It's not a bad thing, but it helps make sense why she would be the one with a mate from outside this Court.

Beyond this, however, I still struggle with the three and three come together concept. And that's coming from someone who actually has, within her family, a story of two brothers marrying two sisters - my great grandparents (or great great, I can never remember). So, I know stuff like this does happen, though admittedly my only experience is with two and two, and naturally I do believe that the likelihood of the full group being with the full other group goes down with each additional number. Regardless of that, though, it is an author's job to tell a story that we can connect to, and having such convenient and perfect endings makes it difficult to do just that. Because life isn't like that.

So I struggle with the concept of this. Like I said, the more I get to know these books, this series, the more I understand that this is not a great argument for why Elain and Azriel aren't endgame considering how other things have played out, but I still think it's a good argument for why they shouldn't be. However, I would also say that the argument that they will end up together because it's three brothers and three sisters is completely off base and illogical, for reasons I've mentioned above. What is the purpose of that? How does that drive the plot and the story and world? How does it connect us to them better? It doesn't. All it does is be just a convenient little bow that has no true purpose, unless there is true purpose as to why each sister ended up with each brother. And I don't really see a purpose as to why Elain would end up with Az except that they're both the last sibling, and that they currently like each other. But that doesn't mean they're right for each other, and I don't see how them being together will spur the story and the world forward the way Feyre and Rhys did, and the way Nesta and Cassian can and/or will.

As someone who dabbles in writing, I have thought about these types of things, and I'm always adjusting plans and thoughts when I realize I've gone into that too perfect la la land, and I'd like to believe that all writers do that. SJM has had some convenient endings, but I will say I've not yet felt like any ending was just too perfect. The closest was, of course, ACOWAR. But even then, you still had threads, misunderstandings, questions, and things you weren't happy about. Yes, the ending felt a bit perfect, but we still lost the Bone Carver, Mr. Archeron, the Suriel, etc. There were still things that made it less than completely perfect. And much of what was done in the ending did move this story forward, and provide the opening for what we are now getting. And, in the same vein, I like to think that SJM would recognize how this would be too much. But, I don't hold out a lot of hope on this reasoning alone, it's really just something I had to get off my chest.

Share Life With Me

This next point is huge for me, in my mind. Again, it is based off of my own personal opinions of some characters, as well, so I do understand that some people may not agree with this argument. That's fine, but you will not sway me.

It all comes down to one thing. What does Az want?

In the Az POV chapter we are finally told, out right, that he does want Elain. But, my question - does he really?

I have been thinking about this since long before Silver Flames, since we all knew Az had a crush, but it wasn't as cemented until Silver Flames came out, and we saw how Nesta and Cassian would develop as a couple. Because, and here's the kicker, I don't believe Az actually wants Elain.

Yes, you read that right. I know he thinks he wants Elain. I know he believes she's kind and beautiful. And I recognize that there was a sexual tension there - I'm not blind. But I don't believe that Elain is the end goal Azriel is actually looking for.

I believe that she is a representation of that end goal.

This mostly comes down to his conversation with Rhys, his belief about the Cauldron:

"The Cauldron chose three sisters. Tell me how it's possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another." He had never before dared speak the words aloud.

Okay, first - Az, please see point above. Also, I can't help but feel like SJM put that in here almost to show that this isn't actually a valid argument.

Second, let's dissect that argument for a moment. Now, perhaps Az is just trying to find what he considers a more 'objective' reason for why Elain should be his, why they should be together. However, if that were the case, then why would he have never dared speak those words aloud? Most likely because he knows it's not a solid argument, and logical Az knows this. But this is 2 AM, you just stopped me from kissing the girl I fancy Az, and he definitely is not being his most logical self.

It's also not a logical or good argument because of one simple word. Given. "…the third was given to another." Az, you're better than this. I truly want to believe you're better than this. I understand that the mating bond is weird, and inherently at least slightly sexist, but that doesn't give any male the right to really look at it that way. Especially when you consider the explanation that the mating bond will be present between two perfect equals. This is seen in ACOMAF when Feyre can't believe Rhys would be her mate, because that's what it would mean, that she's his equal. This also paints Elain as an object, which, no matter what anyone's feelings are toward the character, is not okay. She is a person. A fictional one, but still a person, she cannot be given unless she chooses to give herself. The Cauldron simply dictated who it believes is best for her, and vice versa. I'm not saying the Cauldron was right, or that she and Lucien would be good together, but that's what the mating bond is. To argue that the Cauldron was wrong because two brothers got two of the sisters, but the third was given to another is inherently wrong, because Elain cannot be given away.

It also shows that maybe Az really isn't truly seeing Elain for who she is, if he is thinking of it this way. I do believe that Az is a feminist, or, at least, more of a feminist than most of the males in Prythian (which, sadly, doesn't seem to be saying much). So I don't believe this is a comment based on a sexism in Az we haven't seen yet, I truly don't. I believe that it is a comment made by someone whose judgement is clouded, and who is, as I stated earlier, using Elain as a representation of what he's really looking for. He seems to idolize her, put her on a pedestal, believe that she is all light, all good. (Az, please see my previous post on that little nugget.) He objectifies her not because he truly believes she is an object, but because she has become a symbol in his mind - she is not the person Elain to him. She is the one he should have, the one who will bring him what he wants. Note I didn't say the one he wants. Whenever a person puts another on a pedestal the way Az has with Elain, whenever someone idolizes them, or believes that said person will fix all of their woes, they are subconsciously objectifying them. That being is no longer seen as a true person, with all the flaws and struggles and ugly parts. They are something else. And those types of feelings about another person never end in a good relationship, because at least one side is always expecting too much from the other, and they rarely learn to cope with what they didn't expect. And, for the record, you should never really be 'coping' with your partners flaws, but that's a conversation for another day.

Beyond being not a truly logical argument, and showing us how Azriel has actually objectified Elain in his mind, I also believe this statement gives us insight into what Az actually wants. He could have said a number of things to express a belief (or desire) that the Cauldron was wrong. He could have talked about his feelings for Elain. About how he thinks their personalities are too compatible for them to not be rightfully mates. Pretty much, he could have said something about Elain, and how they are right together because of who they are.

But he didn't.

Instead, Az brought up his two brothers and their mates. How they each got one, so surely the third should be his. And why did he do this? Again, maybe 2 AM Az who had lost his logic just thought this was an objective reason. But I think there's more to it than that. I think he brought up those other relationships as a way to point toward what it is he really wants. Because that's what's on his mind. It's not that Elain is perfect for him, that she is everything he could have ever hoped for in a female. It's that she is the sister of his brother's two mates, and he wants what his brothers have. So, clearly, that must mean that it's Elain who can give him that.

Again, Az, please read my first point. Because that's not a guarantee just because they're related.

Now, I imagine most people are saying, "Well, duh. We all know he wants what they have. He said so earlier on in the chapter." And he did:

Azriel couldn't stop it. The envy in his chest. Of Cassian, and Rhys.

So, it's not new. But, this argument he provided highlights that so specifically. He wants what his brothers have. Not a mate, per se. No. What they have.

But, wait, a mate is what they have. What are you saying?

Yes, a mate is what each of them have. But, as we know, not all mates are perfect for each other. Rhys and Feyre, and Cassian and Nesta are both examples of how right the mating bond can be. But, let's instead look at what they both have, in points, instead of just saying they have a mate. Here are, from my interpretation, the main common aspects of these two relationships:

Love. Sure, Nesta and Cassian hadn't said it yet. But, yes, they love each other, they're just both stubborn and scared and maybe not ready to say it.

Heavy sexual attraction and chemistry. This may not always be the most important piece of a relationship, but it's blatant in both of theirs, and it's clear that Az wants that as well. Which is fair.

Friendship. It's hard to see it at times, because these books are so much about the romance, but I do believe that both couples are truly friends who like to spend time together. Who can have fun together. We don't get to see this enough - and I do wish we saw more of it - but it is there. It's there when Cassian throws his head back laughing at something Nesta said. Or when Rhys is thrilled when sassy Feyre appears. And yes, it is in part the mating bond, making them want to be near each other, but they still enjoy that time together. Mates who aren't right for each other wouldn't.

True partners. In these two relationships, they are more than just each other's mate, lover, friend. They are and/or are becoming partners. In their relationships, Rhys and Cass have found a female who they can share their lives with. Completely and fully. In Feyre, Rhys has found a High Lady, a female who is his true equal, who can rule the Court with him. They work together, plan together. And Rhys can come home at night and tell her everything about his day. In Nesta, Cass has found someone who, I believe, will grow to command with him. Likely female units, but she is still mirroring Cass in that way. She may not become his true equal in terms of being Commander of the Night Court, but she would still be his partner. He will still be able to strategize with her, the two working together to determine where each unit will go. He will command the Illyrians, and by his side she will command the Valkyries. And he can come home, at the end of the day, and tell her everything about his day.

It's this last piece that I want to really dig into, because that is what separates Rhys and Cassian's relationships from others we have seen, in my opinion, and thus that is what Az wants. It's not just a mate, he wants what his brothers have, a true partner who he can fully share his life with. Because that is what makes their relationships so special.

And, in the end, I do not believe Elain can be that for him.

I am not trying to discredit Elain, or say that she is simple, or that she can't do anything but garden and be a housewife. No. That is not my point. I do think, however, that what it would entail to be a true partner to Az is something she does not want to do. And that is okay! It is okay for her to want to garden and bake. It's okay to not wish to be involved in all of the plotting and planning and little missions and quests that the Inner Circle does. It's okay to not want to train. To be happy as you are.

But she can't do both. She can't be a true partner to Azriel and remain as she is. Now, perhaps she does want more, and I have misread her. It's possible, I am not infallible. However, she hasn't ever truly shown us anything that tells me otherwise. And, no, I don't believe her offering to find the Dread Trove in Silver Flames counts as I don't believe she offered to do so out of the goodness of her heart or because she wanted to do it. I believe she wanted to prove Nesta wrong. (Again, you can see this in my previous post.) So, to be a true partner to Azriel, she may have to change everything that she is. And that's not fair to her.

And, even if I am way off on a lot of this. Even if she does want to do more for the Night Court. There is one thing that we have learned about Elain:

She does not wish to fight, she does not wish to train.

I'm sorry, you can't convince me otherwise. Not when she has had ample opportunity to do so in the year, year and a half since Hybern, and still hasn't. It was different with Nesta, who was dealing with a lot of other things, but Elain has been, for the most part, fairly healthy. Her not training is her choice because of who she is.

Again, this is okay! I am not insulting Elain for this, not at all. I get it. I don't particularly love working out - the main exercise I get is from rock climbing twice a week, that's it. So I get it. However, you cannot work with Azriel and not be trained, not know how to fight. Even if Elain could be silent, or infiltrate courts easily, and learn secrets, you need those skills, even if it's just a fallback to ensure you can escape should something go wrong. But it also helps to understand these types of things, to understand battle and politics and everything else. It's not about whether she can do this, it's about whether she wants to do this, and I'm not sure she does. So she would either have to change who she is, and be unhappy to become Az's partner, or she wouldn't be able to be that. And, admittedly, if she were unhappy, he still wouldn't have what his brothers have.

However, on top of that, I also don't know if Azriel would let Elain be his true partner. Think about when they're at dinner, talking about how Nesta needs to scry, and how they'll have to rely on Elain if she doesn't - what Azriel says.

“There is an innate darkness to the Dread Trove that Elain should not be exposed to.”

Sidebar - I've not seen anyone talk about how Cassian was absolutely in the right for defending Nesta. So I did. You can see my soap box here.

Now, back to the point. This is one example of how Az is constantly trying to protect Elain from, well, kinda everything. So, even if Elain did want to do all of those things, would Az even be okay with it? He obviously can't stop her from training or anything like that - and if he tries should she ever want to, he's dead to me. But, would he really share his life with her? Tell her about those 'unspeakable things that sullied his hands far beyond their scars'? I don't believe he would. I don't believe he could truly handle her working with him because, again, he has put her on this pedestal of beauty and grace and goodness (that she may not have). And the things he does are not good, at least not by his standards. He wouldn't be able to truly include her until he started to look at her as her own person again, which I also don't see happening. And, even then, he still wouldn't want to share with her all he'd done, believing her likely to judge those things, to be too pure to even hear about them. Regardless of whether that is true or not about Elain, it would hinder him from being able to have a true partner in her. When Azriel comes home at night, he would not tell her everything about his day.

Love Yourself, Az

This, I know for a fact, is not a new revelation. I have seen a lot about this, and have seen some posts that even helped me along with this as well, but I can't not address Az's shadows. I would link to the first post I saw about this but, admittedly, I can't find it. So, just know, I'm not the only one thinking this, and I recognize that some of this may come off as similar to others, but I couldn't not talk about this because it just feels so important.

Elain sucked in a soft breath that whispered over his skin. His shadows skittered back at the sound. They'd always been prone to vanish when she was around.

It wasn't until the Azriel POV chapter that I fully understood what lay behind the fact that Az's shadows would retreat around Elain, when we get a direct comparison to how they react to Gwyn's breath:

"How was the party?" Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him. Like it heard some silent music.

Before this, I didn't realize how bad a sign it is, for his shadows to retreat. I just thought they did that when he was around someone he was attracted to, almost as a sense that the other person lightened him up. But, with this comparison, and in general what we see from Az when around Elain, I see just how wrong I was. His shadows hiding isn't a sign of him lightening up - no, it's a sign of him retreating more into himself, trying to be something that he isn't around that person, in the hopes that they'll accept him if he is.

In the end, it's toxic.

He can't be who he truly is around Elain. That's not something that will lead to a healthy, happy relationship. He may have the girl he thinks he wants, but he won't have the relationship we all know he is desperate for. Whereas, around Gwyn, we see his shadows reach out to another person, jump out, dance with her breath, sing to her. He is able to fully embrace who he is around her. He will be able to be himself with her, love himself with her. And whether or not Gwyn is the right person to him, what this tells us is that Elain can't be that person. That she, like Mor, would be toxic to Az.

On top of that, I can't not point out the word usage here.

While I did observe this on my own, I am not the first to point it out - pagesofmoonlight talks about this in detail, about the usage of the term 'skittered' in regards to how the shadows retreat from Elain. It's not just a general hiding, or even a 'lightening' of Az, as I once thought. It's a gut reaction to her, her breath. They run from her. When I read that word, I literally picture a wave of something, and the shadows seeing it and running from it in fear.

Similarly, in comparison, with Gwyn's breath, the shadows 'darted' out to it. That, also, is not just a general they reached out to it for warmth or contact. Now, they darted - that is a very quick move, often done with a need or desire to get to where you're going as quickly as possible. The shadows needed or wanted to be with that breath, so they darted to it.

Like I said, this post isn't meant to be promoting one ship over Elain and Azriel. But what Gwyn provides here is a comparison, is a sign of what could and should be, whether with her or another person. Even if she isn't endgame, she shows us this problem between Elain and Azriel.

Home is Where You Shine

This entire post, which has become MASSIVE, has been very focused on Azriel, and why Elain is not right for him. But I want to touch on a reason why Az isn't right for Elain.

Azriel is a part of the Night Court. It is his home. It is where he belongs. He fits here, it is right for him. He can and does fine here. I don't think anyone can deny this. But Elain - she does not.

First, let's look at when Nesta is in the Spring Court.

Nesta’s throat constricted, and she surveyed the swaying cherry blossoms overhead. Elain would love this place. So many flowers, all in bloom, so much green—the light, vibrant green of new grass—so many birds singing and such warm, buttery sunshine. Nesta felt like a storm cloud standing amid it all. But Elain … The Spring Court had been made for someone like her.

I'm not saying Elain will end up in the Spring Court, but I do believe it is telling that Nesta would think about another court this way. We've not, to my recollection, really ever seen another character think about how well someone would fit in a different court. Feyre did, if I remember correctly, mention enjoying other courts at times, thinking they were beautiful, but never did she think about how right someone within her court would be in a different court. Because no one else in the Inner Circle would fit so well in another court. For whatever reason it is, everyone else is perfectly suited for the Night Court, and they can handle it.

It takes a lot to be a part of the Night Court. The masks they all wear, the reputation they have, the responsibilities that fall on their shoulders. It's not an insult or an attack on any character to say that they may not fit there, that they may be more in tune with the beauty of Spring, the warmth of Summer, the light of Day. And Elain, who is gentle and kind and not one to pretend to be what she isn't - likely because she's never felt the need to - I can understand how it would be hard.

Secondly, and I know it's a point of contention, and a well-discussed piece of Silver Flames, but I do want to talk about the Solstice Ball, and Cassian's observations.

Elain in black was ridiculous. Yes, she was beautiful, but the color of her long-sleeved, modest gown leeched the brightness from her face. It wore her, rather than the other way around. And he knew the cruelty of the Hewn City troubled her. But she hadn’t hesitated to come. When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court—and would do whatever was needed. So Elain had let her golden-brown hair down tonight, and pinned it back with twin combs of pearl. He’d never once in the two years he’d known her found Elain to be plain, but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her.

I will try not to go too far into the information about Elain in the black dress, as it's been discussed a lot from both sides, though I do think it is telling, because Cassian isn't just saying it's the one dress. It's very specific about how Elainin black was ridiculous, not that dress. It may seem shallow, but in the end, black is a crucial color in the Night Court, and that type of symbolism is often used to depict things just like this. It would not be the first time, and it certainly won't be the last that a writer uses color this way. However, I have seen a number of posts about this, on both sides, and I do understand both arguments, even if I disagree with one because I don't think it's meant to just be a skewed POV.

I would like to note, however, that the main argument I've seen is that there was once another time Elain was described in a dress that did little to complement her, but it's a very different description. That other time, it's mentioned specifically that the dress and color/shade of the dress did little to complement her 'sallow skin'. First of all, this is specifically discussing how the color didn't work with her skin, not how the color 'drained the life out of her'. Secondly, I would say it is very important to note that 'sallow' means "of a sickly, yellowish or lightish brown color". It is not discussing her skin as it typically is, but how it is when she was in the midst of her own depression after becoming High Fae. It's not that the dress didn't complement her, it's just that it didn't help make her skin look better than the sickly state it was currently in. Whereas, in this reflection, Elain is healthy, and still the black is draining her. Not the dress, not the shade - black. Point blank.

It's also important to recognize that this isn't meant to insult Elain, I believe it is a symbol of how she doesn't shine in the Night Court, how this court could potentially 'suck the life out of her'. Yes, it's just a dress. Yes, there's a chance they wanted her to look plain, but I don't believe that.

They were always going to have Nesta dance with Eris, and they all knew that, despite Elain's beauty, and no matter how lovely she looked, Eris would gravitate to Nesta. He'd already shown interest in her, he'd already become intrigued. He looked at Elain first, I believe, to get a look at his brother's mate. Because he wasn't looking at Elain with interest. No, it was an 'assessing gaze'. There was no reason to make Elain look plain. In fact, there was every reason to make sure she looked just as beautiful as Nesta. Think about what Cassian said just before this:

Both sisters wore black. Both walked behind Rhys and Feyre, a silent indicator that they were a part of the royal family. Had mighty powers of their own. They’d planned it that way, wanting Eris to see for himself how valuable Nesta was.

Why would they want her to look plain, considering this? They wanted Nesta and Elain to walk in the procession behind Feyre and Rhys, as a sign, a symbol. Yes, they wanted Eris to see and understand how valuable Nesta was, as it is said, but they didn't want Elain to look any less valuable. First, doing so would have made Nesta look less valuable by comparison. But, on top of that, I highly doubt they had any fears that Eris would prefer Elain - if they believed Eris about Lucien, then I think they'd believe that Eris wouldn't wish to take away his brother's mate. In fact, I imagine Eris would more likely help Lucien with Elain - but, that just be my Eris stan status coming out.

What is clear is that it was purposeful that they put both Nesta and Elain in black, as a symbol that they are a part of this family. My guess is that they found a dress for Elain that did her the most justice, and that she was comfortable wearing but, in the end, black just doesn't work on her. And is that fact not telling when that is the color of the family?

While this was in draft mode, I also found this post from yazthebookish, who goes deeper into this, and how it wasn't just Cassian who observed how ridiculous Nesta looked in black. So, for those who want to talk about how it is a skewed perspective, there were actually three that made this observation, and I absolutely agree that SJM wouldn't shove this in there solely to say that they purposefully tried to make sure Nesta outshone Elain. As they pointed out, Nesta is gorgeous in her own right. Cassian met her and Elain together, and he was instantly drawn to Nesta. As I mentioned earlier, Eris has been intrigued by her since long before this - see the High Lords meeting in ACOWAR. Helion would gladly get into her leathers, and while I'm aware that's not saying much, his focus on her is slightly higher than you see it on others he would also slide into bed with. She doesn't need Elain to dull herself down to shine.

I also think the one observation about how the black 'wore her' matters. It makes me wonder more about this court, both the general Night Court, and the people in the Inner Circle. Is the court wearing her? Is it sucking the life out of her? Is this why we don't see as much spine from Elain? We got some in this book, but it was all in an attempt to prove she belongs to this court. Something she feels the need to do, as we see in Cassian's reflection:

When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court—and would do whatever was needed.

…but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her.

First of all, just quickly, I want to mention the ellipses before it says 'it sucked the life from her', and what came right before that. Is Cassian talking about the black? Or is he talking about being a part of this court? I don't have the answer, just food for thought.

I can't help but notice that Elain seems to feel the need to constantly prove, declare, and claim that she is part of this court. She has to push her way through, and while I know it's in part because so many people try to protect her, I think it's more than that. I believe Elain wants to be a part of the Night Court, but in the end it's not suited to her, and so she has to force her way in, when even Nesta, who everyone has been so displeased with, manages to fall in much easier. It's not because they don't like Elain, that's obvious. I believe it's because, in the end, they all see it.

It reminds me a lot of Tywin Lannister's quote from GoT (TV series, I won't read the books until George RR Martin finishes them):

Any man who must say, "I am the King", is no true king.

Could you not adjust this to: "Any person who must say, 'I am part of this court', is not truly part of this court."

I don't think Nesta has once said that. Feyre, maybe, but not in the same way as much as in letting certain people outside the court know. But, to have to say that within the court - it signifies that either you, yourself, don't believe yourself part of the court, or that maybe you aren't truly. Or that you are, but you recognize that maybe it's not the right fit, even if you really want it to be.

In the end, while I don't think Elain can't fit or find a nice life in the Night Court, the final point is that she doesn't shine in the Night Court. And that's not the same as saying she fully doesn't belong. But, shouldn't home be a place where you shine? Where you can be everything you are, and it is absolutely right? Isn't that what Nesta found in Silver Flames, in the House, with Cassian, and Gwyn, and Emerie,…and the House? She didn't have to be anything other than who she was, with any of them, and she still found a place that not only provided her comfort, but where she could truly shine. And she's found it in the Night Court, as well.

Elain hasn't. And maybe that's just because we haven't seen her story play out yet. I'm not so stuck up to believe there's no way I could be wrong. In fact, what bugs me the most about a lot of posts around these different beliefs is the use of 'when' instead of 'if', because no one wants to admit that, at this point in time, no matter what side you're on, it very much is an 'if'. None of us know what SJM has planned. All we can do is use the information we've been given to make as educated a guess as possible. This is mine, and SJM may prove me completely wrong, and that's okay. She may end up giving Elain a more similar arc to Nesta, and show how she develops and grows into someone who flourishes in the Night Court with Az by her side, and should she do that, I hope it's in a way I can understand and not something poorly developed and difficult to grasp.

A Mate is A Mate is A Mate

I won't talk too much about how she and Azriel aren't mates and how that automatically means they couldn't work. It could, in concept. I won't address the theories about her ending up with multiple mates. I do not agree with these theories, as they conflict with the canon we have. Until SJM puts out canon information that can explain a contradiction to what we've been given, any theory that truly contradicts the canon provided I will not consider, whether I like it or not. Multiple mates is not a thing. Being able to sever the mating bond so that someone can have a new mate is not a thing. I do recognize that females can reject the mating bond, and I am not saying whether or not I think Elain should or shouldn't do this with Lucien. Nor am I saying that having a story where someone does reject the mating bond to see how that plays out wouldn't be great.

I will point out, however, that it is often discussed as a thing females do. Females reject the mating bond. Males who have a female that rejected the mating bond grow incredibly uncomfortable, and they truly struggle.

...there will always be a ... tug. For the females, it is usually easier to ignore, but the males ... It can drive them mad.

I'm not going to include all the stuff about males thinking their mate belongs to them. Grow up, Prythian. Get with the program. But, considering this, considering the other pieces we get, I do not know if a male can be with another person, truly, in a loving relationship if he has a mate. Maybe one day, years and years and years after the rejection. Or maybe, if his mate doesn't fit his preferences - if that is a thing (and honestly, we don't yet know the status of same-sex mates, but if they are a thing - please let them be - then I have a harder time believing that those who have specific preferences would end up in a mating pair with the wrong gender).

I am not saying this to say that Elain and Lucien should be together. I am saying this because, considering all these things, right now, canon information essentially tells us that, should Az find his mate, he will go to her, need to be around her. Think about Cassian when Feyre asked why he bothers with Nesta:

Because I can't stay away.

Think about how Lucien couldn't help but try to find Elain, despite direct orders of being told not to. Or about how the second Rhys heard Feyre say 'no' in her mind to Tamlin, he was there to take her away. They just can't help it. The mating bond has a stronger pull on males.

And, maybe Az would be able to deny the bond. To reject it himself, who knows. But, based on everything we've been told, that would be incredibly difficult. And, considering how much he wants what his brothers have, would he want to?

Obviously, there is reason to believe Az does have a mate, and we've met her. And I know some people disagree with this. I would be interested to hear any theories about why he and Gwyn aren't mates, so long as they don't involve Elain. It's not that I have anything against her, it's just that those arguments don't actually point to Gwyn and Az not being mates, just that the person believes Elain and Az belong together regardless, which is not an argument for why they're not mates. But if there are any reasons or signs found in the books and canon information that distinctly point against Gwyn and Az being mates, then I'm open to hearing those points. And, as I mentioned, I do not entertain any canon-conflicting theories, such as the multiple mates one.

As it stands, though, I do think we have been directed toward the idea that Gwyn and Az are mates, and can believe that the mating bond will snap into place. Once it does, I have a hard time believing Az will actually be able to stay away. And that, even if Gwyn ends up rejecting that bond, I don't know that he'll be able to be with Elain after it, knowing Elain isn't his first choice.

Final Thoughts

Like I said earlier, I'm not against Elain rejecting the mating bond, or anyone doing so. I will say this, though - how much more powerful would it be to have someone reject the mating bond not because they wish to be with someone else, but just because they do not wish to be with that person? Is it not more empowering to see a female (or male, if they can do it) choose to be single, and live their life as they are solely because they just do not wish to be with that person? Instead of it being more of an, 'well, it's just, I'd rather be with him'. Sadly, I do not think Elain is set up to be that person. Gwyn could, potentially, be, though I'll admit I don't believe it, considering the attention Gwyn pays to him. But I do think it's worth noting that, in my opinion, the mating bond can be rejected even if there is not another male in the picture.

However, despite all the questions and uncertainties, until we get answers, this is my personal view, based on what I've seen in the books, and how I've interpreted it. I personally feel that, regardless of who I hope ends up with whom, SJM has placed a number of clues and hints to show that Elain and Azriel aren't meant to be together, that they wouldn't be right together. And that, if they were to be together, the relationship would likely be unhealthy, and potentially toxic.

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This post is also not meant to insult or attack Elain in any way, nor Azriel. Nor am I trying to insult or attack those who ship them together. We are all welcome to our own opinions. I promise to respect yours, please respect mine.

[beyondspaceandstars]

While You Sleep

Chapter 1

Relationship: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: angst, mention of violence Summary: Soulmate!AU - Throughout life, you're given glimpses of your soulmate through dreams. As you sleep, memories flash in your mind showing you the life your soulmate has lived. Everyone around you raves about how their soulmate reads great books or volunteers in their spare time. But you can't relate as your dreams end up being more like nightmares. Through initial images of death and violence, you come to learn your soulmate is the Winter Soldier. A/N: I had this idea one day and initially it was just gonna be a one shot but then i said screw it. i’ve never really done a full chapter story/series so...? Here I go? I’ve written most in advanced so I know I actually have some sense of where this is going and tbh i think it’s gonna be interesting but i love soulmate!au anyways :)

masterlist | taglist | read on ao3

The nightmares always felt the same. 

In your mind, clear glimpses revealed him - the brooding, long-haired man. He typically wore a mask and that same unforgiving yet disconnected look in his eyes. A metal arm would glimmer every now and then and you’d quickly find him wielding guns or twirling knives. The most uncomfortable acts were those of when he’d use just his hands. 

You didn’t really know the people he was affecting. Some looked important, some seemed like casualties to whatever bigger fight was being played at, but they all came in quick glimpses. Part of you felt that he didn’t care enough to remember them. He had no connection, just a goal. There was always more of a focus on what he was doing and making sure it was done. You could tell that was what he was feeling, what he was seeing, and frankly, it was of the disturbing kind. 

You had grown up hearing friends and family gush about all the wonderful, fascinating soulmate dreams -- because that was what they were supposed to be: dreams. Lovely, lullaby dreams showing one the life their soulmate was living. Giving the other a glimpse at their feelings, their adventures. Hopefully making you want your person.

Your parents loved reminiscing about how they saw each other playing with friends as kids or volunteering at shelters in college. Your friends had been equally fascinated, constantly gossiping about what books their soulmates had read or how their eyes would light up when they played with their dogs.

But you weren’t getting that. Instead of seeing your soulmate read their favorite book, you watched him take down what felt like an army of people. You saw him marching on command as if just a machine.

Part of you thought you were broken. Why were you only getting to see the bad things? Was there nothing good about your person? Had they lived for nothing other than these missions?

It was a weird combination, what you felt towards him. To say you weren’t at least intrigued would be a lie because, at the end of the day, this man was your soulmate. No matter how unnerving or confusing it was, you two were paired. While you didn’t know if he actually knew it, you felt it. You felt the pull in every knife flip. In every stab. In every mission. In every accomplishment.

Even time he was forced to go dormant -- because, yes, you could see the ice. You could see the shocks. 

Your soulmate dreams were nightmares. And they ached and pulled at you. 

***

You were already awake when sunlight began seeping into your room. This wasn’t a new occurrence -- the sun and you seemed to like to play a game to see who would rise first... You, it was always you lately.

The dreams were distorted memories last night. You didn’t see it all like it was interrupted, but you could tell it appeared to be a past memory. There was just something about the intensity visually this time that was weaker. It was less fresh than previous ones but still held feelings, strength. It was a confusing phenomenon, an old thought transmitting between the soulmate lines, but wasn’t unusual for you by any means.

Sometimes you received memories from your soulmate that dated back to the 70s, sometimes 60s. Things he had seen that weren't even from your decade which raised so many more alarms. It prevented you from getting any sort of age range. Sometimes people received memories their soulmates had learned of, like hearing a story of a wedding and depicting it, but they never lasted. Usually they were one-off casualties but these you had persisted. They had to be from him.

While confusing beyond all means, something you never could think about discussing with others, it gave you a little hope that maybe, just maybe, things had…stopped. Whatever rampage or mission your soulmate was on (had been put on?) was finished. Especially being a memory that came from just a few years ago. For once, maybe there weren't new nightmares for your soulmate to produce. 

But you couldn’t get your hopes up. They could be right back at it tonight so you couldn’t allow yourself to ponder it no matter how much it all bugged you. You force yourself to get up and on with the day. Rising as you had watched the sun do so. 

You pulled yourself out of bed choosing to ignore the sleep-deprived headache threatening to creep up. Shuffling around your bedroom, you collected your work uniform wherever you had really tossed it throughout the space. 

Once dressed for the day, you moved on to making yourself presentable to actually get on with work. While you only just worked in a coffee shop -- not exactly the epitome of luxury -- tips were key and people liked their barista to actually look alive.

You finally got out of the door just moments later, homemade bagel sandwich in tow, all complemented by the fakest, brightest smile you could muster as you made your way down the city sidewalk. 

You quite enjoyed the work commute, being able to weave in and out of the people, your mind instinctively wondering if he was here. Was he milling around? Hiding in the shadows? Planning something here or there? What to do next? 

You figured most likely not, but you still looked even if the idea of him was enough to make you shake in your boots. Besides, you didn’t even totally know what you were looking for. The eyes and hair only revealed so much. The glimmer of his hand, though, that sure was unique. You could still see it in flashes throughout your mind. 

So, you harmlessly let your eyes wander on the street. Checking over the faces, the posture, the appearances of them all but none of them could tug on that part of your heart. Granted, it was sort of ridiculous. Your soulmate had been proven to maybe not be the kindest person in the universe but something had to happen if the two of you were paired. And you were just the right amount of daring to see it through.

You finally made it to the coffee shop after your leisure browsing of the city people all bustling, brain set on getting one place or another. They were just exhausting to even look at.

The bell above the door jingled as you entered. The shop was mere minutes from opening and your coworker was already setting up, nearly ready to bring in the morning rush. She greeted you with a weak, tired smile. You responded with one of your own. Seamlessly, you two fell into it all, moving in silence. Prepping, brewing, cleaning.

Work was going much smoother than normal for the day. You seemed to fall into your tasks with ease as you served the morning crowd. You had your normals’ orders memorized and the new customers wooed at your speediness. Tips were coming in nicely as well, you noted. You and your coworker worked together, as if in a tango behind the counter. 

The day seemed that it would continue on just as smoothly as the morning had. Things started to taper off nicely around the afternoon. The shop was mostly filled with college students in between their lectures. They nursed their coffees as they typed away so determined with their homework. 

You and your coworker took the brief moment to lull around. She was aimlessly sweeping by the sugars while you cleaned the same spot over and over again on the counter as you watched the television in the corner. 

The owner had put in the TV a while ago citing it drummed up service but you never actually found proof of that. Instead, it sat high up on the wall, above the windows, muted at all hours. He at least allowed the closed captioning to be on which was what you were reading as you pretended to clean. 

Some midday news program was on. A graphic flashed signaling that they were going into one of their “investigative reports.” You stopped your movements with the rag as you watched the news graphic transition to a portrait picture of a man from the waist up. He...

Something made your stomach drop. Your heart twisted in familiarity while your brain sounded the alarm. Those eyes. That arm. You could feel all of it practically radiating from the television. Letting go of the towel, you let out a gasp at the true shock when it suddenly clicked in your head. 

Everything slowed down around you. Customers began staring, concerned. Your coworker was calling your name, asking what was wrong. But you couldn’t do anything. Your eyes were glued to the television. Something crushed in you as it began adding up. 

Eyes. Arm. Feelings. Emotions. Eyes. Arm. Feelings. Missions. Scene after scene, you went over everything that had been stored -- forced -- unconventionally in your head.

You read the name on the closed captioning followed by his title. Who he was, what he was. 

It fell into place. All of it. It was him, yes. The dreams -- no, no. The nightmares. Your word repeated it over and over again. Him. All him. James Buchanan Barnes. The Winter Soldier.

[redrobin-detective]

Just one single glimpse of relief

TW: OC death, death themes

“Hey,” Sydnee looked up at the sound of the voice. It was familiar, safe, and it stopped her tears for a moment. She can’t remember where she was or what she’d been doing. All she knew was that she was scared and upset and didn’t know what to do. It felt like she’d been crying forever when the voice appeared. “Hey there, it’s Phantom. Can I come closer?”

Sydnee gasped as the town hero, Phantom, approached her slowly. Syd was a bit of a nerd and she couldn’t get enough of those superhero movies. She always tuned in to Phantom’s fights on TV; he was as close as she’d get to a real life Superman or Captain Marvel. She’d never seen him up close before though. He was younger than he appeared on TV, not more than his early teens. Sydnee, almost 24, was hit by a wave of mortification over how they’d described the hunky, we-thought-he-was-older kid on Margarita Night. This day just got better and better, not that she remembered it.

“How are you doing?” Phantom asked quietly, floating near her but not getting too close. He was watching her warily but not unkindly. She saw how some folks treated him, he was probably worried she’d throw a shoe at him. “What’s your name?”

“Sydnee, with an extra e not a y. Uh Tanner, Sydnee Tanner,” she mumbled. Ugh why were words so hard. Her head felt fuzzy and very far away, she thinks she was going to start panicking again. What was she even so upset about? “I don’t know what’s going on. Where are we and what happened. I don’t- I don’t remember anything.”

“It’s okay,” he said soothingly, floating a little closer. The soft glow he emitted brightened up the dark place they were in. Was she in a collapsed tunnel? What had she been doing here? She’d never been claustrophobic but the debris and rubble of the place seemed to close in on her. “Hey, hey, just look at me.” She turned and met his kind eyes, soft and easy. “We’ll walk through it together. What is the last thing you remember?”

“I was late to work,” Syd said, the memory popping up before her. “I um work at the Donut Delights bakery in that strip mall next to the middle school. My cats had knocked over some of my houseplants in the night so I had to clean them up and was running behind. I open the store on Wednesdays - oh it’s Wednesday! - so I knew I’d be in trouble. But I made it, just barely. I was starting up the ovens when.” Syd furrowed her brow and took in the hero before her. The one who was almost never seen outside a fight. “There was a ghost attack, wasn’t there?”

“Welcome to Amity Park,” Phantom said grimly. “I’ve been here a couple times; the jalapeno bacon topped donuts are my favorite. My mom and sister buy them sometimes if they want to bribe me into doing something.”

“You weirdo, only crazy people eat that weird flavor,” Sydnee chuckled. “You have a family?”

“Of course, we all have a family out there somewhere. What about you?” He asked gently. There was something about the soft way he was talking to her, the way his eyes flickered around the dark like he was looking for something. He had news he didn’t want to tell her and she wasn’t ready to hear it. Not yet. Just a few more minutes of denial before she faced the revelation she couldn’t bear to touch yet.

“Yeah, mom and dad and two younger sibs. Folks divorced forever ago, I barely remember them actually being together. Mom is is living it up in Dubai working as a pastry chef in one of their fancy hotels. Dad’s an auto-mechanic down on Maple street, Duke’s Car Services. Pretty sure you got tossed through the window a year ago.”

“I’ve been tossed through many windows but I know the place you’re talking about. So a big family, any friends? Boyfriends? Girlfriends?”

“I have a boyfriend,” she continued on hastily, taking the distraction for what it was. “I like him, a lot and we’ve been dating since high school. Everyone says I should marry him and we’ve talked about it, casually, but I’ve never dated anyone else and wonder if I should see other people first. You know, test the waters before I settle down with my high school sweetheart like my folks did and look how they turned out.”

“Mhmm,” Phantom hummed nodding, encouraging her to continue.

“DeShawn is great though, he’s very supportive and sweet in his own kind of absentminded way. He’s got epilepsy real bad though, I have to drive him everywhere since he’s always at risk of a seizure. Annoying sometimes but its nice, you can learn a lot about a person from a conversation while you’re alone together.”

“Very true, I’m learning a lot now,” Phantom smiled. “What about your siblings?”

“I have a brother and a sister, Kennedy is finishing his sophomore year of college and Janelle will be a senior in high school. She was a surprise baby, one last attempt of my parents to reconcile before the big D. It didn’t help but I got a great sister out of it, she’s a real firecracker.”

“Janelle,” Phantom’s eyes lit up. “She’s the one always dying her hair. I see her in the hallways of Casper, she’s hard to miss. I think she draws too, she won an art award I think.”

“Yeah!” Sydnee said enthusiastically, she reached out and grabbed ahold of Phantom’s arm. It was cold but solid. It reminded her that she really couldn’t feel anything, nothing but him. “Yeah, I swear her hair is a new color every time I see her. It’s a dark purple now, it looks pretty good on her. She was a peachy orange for picture day last year. Mom called her up screaming when she saw the photos.”

“I thought it looked cool,” Phantom grinned, “not that I was there for picture day. Ghost attack, you know. My mom was upset with me too.” They laughed lightly for a minute before it gently petered off leaving them alone in the dark. Sydnee didn’t have any feeling in her toes, in any part of her. She felt light and disconnected and all over out of sorts. She was pretty sure she knew what had happened but she couldn’t face it yet. But talking to Phantom, it seemed a little easier.

“I remember the attack now,” Sydnee stated quietly. “It was a big ghost bear only it was the size of a pickup truck. It rammed into the store there was chaos and screaming. It was so loud, the screaming of the customers, the bear, building coming down on top of us...” her lips wobbled. “We’re still in the store, aren’t we? I haven’t wanted to turn around because... because I know my body is buried underneath the concrete back there.”

“Yeah,” Phantom breathed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get here in time. Most everyone in the area got out but you and a few others in the store got trapped under the rubble. Mrs. McDaniels who lived on Eustis street and was the first woman in her family to go to college plus Eddie Drake who came down from Chicago to check out the ghost stuff with their boyfriend and was a tattoo artist.”

“Did you talk to them too?” She questioned in surprise.

“Briefly, Mrs. McDaniels didn’t stay long, just long enough to tell me, and I quote, “stop wasting time on her dead ass and get to the others.” She already passed on. Eddie, they didn’t take it well. We talked for a while and I think they need a little more time to accept it, see their loved ones first. I warned them that the longer they delay death, the harder it is and the more you lose yourself. You’re the last, all the way in the back of the store. When you’re ready, I’m going to bring your body out.”

“Thank you,” she whispered before breaking out into hysterical laughter. “God I bet I’m a wreck, I think I put my shirt on inside out I was in such a rush this morning,” she sniffled. “What do I do now, as a ghost? I don’t have to, like, attack people, do I?”

“No,” Phantom sighed. “Most ghosts are just normal people, no one else but other ghosts will see you and you’re not going to be strong enough to interact with the real world for a long, long time. You can stick around a bit if you want, watch over your family but it’s like I told Eddie, you forget things pretty quick. Or you can move on, that part I can’t help you with but I’ve helped a lot of others go that route and I’m told it’s easy.”

“Easy, then why haven’t you?” She questioned angrily, the full weight of the situation crashing over her. She shoved him and he floated back passively. “I’m a freaking ghost and you’re here talking to me like you’re my therapist or something. Who’s gonna take DeShawn to his appointments? Or praise my sister’s creative messes? Or badger Ken into picking major? My life is over and you think you can float there and lecture me about it being easy to move on!”

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Phantom soothed, scratching at the back of his neck. “I’m so sorry Sydnee, I wish I could turn back the clock an hour, two hours, and prevent this from happening but I can’t. I’ve tried to mess with time and it doesn’t end well for anyone. I just want, I just want what’s best for you now. You can stay or you can go but I want you to make the decision that you feel most comfortable with. That’s all I can do for you.”

“I think I’d be sad,” she said, crying again, “being able to see everyone but not talk to them, to watch them cry over me. I don’t want to forget them either.” Phantom watched her, easily and earnestly. “What made you choose to stay? Why didn’t you go?”

“I’m a little complicated but I can tell you, when I’ve done all I need to here, I’m not hanging around a second longer than I have to. Being a ghost has it’s perks but it’s also, it’s being stuck in a place you longer fit, watching the world go on without you.”

“Okay,” Syd hiccupped. “Okay, yeah okay.”

“Okay,” Phantom nodded. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No, please don’t,” she grabbed his hands again. “Please I don’t, I know I died alone but I don’t want to do... this alone. Please stay, ugh, calling you Phantom is weird sorry.”

“I don’t know if it’s any less weird but you can call me Danny,” Phantom, Danny, laughed. It was an ordinary name for a superhero but it fit. There was a special thrill in knowing the ghost boy’s name but it’s not like she was going to be around to tell anyone. It was scary, to think of not existing but also sort of comforting, like a long nap with nothing pressing to get up for.

“Can you tell them that I love them, in my place? I know it’s a lot and I’m sure you’re super busy saving the town and everything-”

"It’s not a problem. I’m sure they know but I’ll be happy to pass on the message,” he smiled and it made him look so young. For a second she was struck by how sad it was that she was relying on a kid a decade younger than her for support. But he was here and he was kind and he was what she needed right now. Maybe one day, he’d have his own person talking him through this last step. 

“Okay, Danny, thanks really. For talking, for staying. I’m scared but I, I think I’m ready.” She closed her eyes and squeezed his hands tightly. “Do you, will it hurt?”

“No,” he said, his voice warm despite his inherent chill. “No, Sydnee. No, the hurting is all over now. All you have left ahead of you is peace. Thank you for all that did, you’ll be missed.”

“I’ll see you on the other side. Goodbye.” The world faded to a pinprick, consumed by light. The last thing she saw before she went into it was a stranger’s smile. 

XxX

“Here’s the last,” Phantom said solemnly, delicately setting a broken body he’d carried out of the dilapidated building and on the sidewalk next to the others. “This is Sydnee Tanner, she was the only employee in the store at the time. She has cats at home who will need taking care of. Her dad works at Duke’s Car Services along with siblings and a boyfriend.”

“Don’t know how you know all that but thanks for getting these folks out,” Sheriff Newton sighed. “Damn shame. Keep up the good work kid, we’ll save the next ones for sure. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some rather unhappy news to break to several people.”

“Do you mind if I tag along? I have a few messages I need to pass on.”

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[ms-demeanor]

Stressed Computer Anon:

Hi friend!

You’ve actually given me the idea for a very helpful book I want to write but it’s pretty clear you’re not going to be okay waiting that long so here’s a very, very basic primer for people in similar situations

SO YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING CYBERSTALKED

If you’re worried about being tracked online by people who have somehow accessed your computer or phone and/or you’re worried about your computer being taken over FEAR NOT! This is VERY fixable!

So the thing is the only way that people can track you like this is by having some kind of network access to your devices. I can’t track your cellphone if it isn’t connected to the cell network (at least not without a pretty serious amount of legwork and a warrant) and I can’t track your computer if it’s not connected to the internet.

The absolute easiest, fastest, most guaranteed way to fix this problem is by disconnecting all your devices. I know that doesn’t seem great because what’s the point of having the devices if they’re not going to be connected, but don’t worry you’ll get this settled and get back online eventually.

What you are going to do FIRST is get on a device that you’ve never used before, get on a computer or phone network you’ve never used before, and you’re going to change your passwords. While you’re at it you may want to get yourself set up with a password manager. Here’s a step by step of the ideal way this would work:

Go to someplace with public-ish computers where you can use the computers for a while (school or public library works well)

Open up a private session of whatever browser is installed on that computer

Create a protonmail email account

Log in to each of your online accounts, change the recovery email to the protonmail account, and reset the passwords

(do the rest of the stuff that i’m going to tell you about)

Install a password manager AFTER you’ve sanitized your network and change all your passwords AGAIN using the password manager generated passwords.

Once you have reset all your passwords (steps 1-3) it is time to sanitize your network and your extant devices.

Start by doing a backup of your phone and your computer. This is a FILE BACKUP ONLY, you DO NOT want to restore from backup.

Make sure you’ve got the manufacturer installation discs and activation keys for any software that you have on your computer (or the online equivalent - you don’t use a disc to install MS office these days, you use a Microsoft account and you should have already changed your password for that) because you are going to have to REINSTALL your computer. This means you ALSO need an installation disc for your operating system.

Connect to your router and change the password, select the most secure security settings you router allows.

Reinstall your operating system on your computer and factory reset your phone (make sure you’ve written down all your contacts and saved all the files on your computer or phone to an external device because you will lose them with the reset/reinstall).

(Windows, Mac, Android, iOS)

Make sure that the only things you plug into your computer are things you’ve purchased - remove all wireless dongles for mice or keyboards, make sure the chargers for your phones are all ones that you’ve purchased and not any that were given to you, and only plug stuff back in if you’re 100% sure you know what it goes to.

AFTER REINSTALL/RESET TURN OFF ALL THE WEIRD WIRELESS CONNECTIONS YOUR PHONE AND COMPUTER MAKE. Turn off bluetooth, turn off network discoverability, turn off anything that lets shit talk to your computer or phone.

(This will break/disable things like smart speakers, activity trackers, and a bunch of other IoT tech. If you’re paranoid enough to be doing all of this stuff you should NOT be using those things anyway)

Once you’ve reinstalled your OS on your computer go online and set yourself up with a VPN. If you are feeling EXCEPTIONALLY paranoid you can do this using a mobile hotspot instead of your internet connection. Also if you are feeling exceptionally paranoid you can encrypt your devices.

Now that your traffic is encrypted go back into your router settings and reset your password again. You may want to consider purchasing a better/more secure router or one that has an included VPN (from that list I like the Synology router).

Since at this point your computer should be pretty much completely taken care of you can follow the steps in my other post on the issue to secure your phone.

At this point if you connect to the internet through a secured router and a vpn, and if you are using a VPN on the phone and don’t have any weird mystery apps installed and have shut down app permissions, and if you’re doing all of that carefully and well and you’ve changed all your passwords a couple times, nobody should reasonably be able to snoop your traffic.

That isn’t to say I’d consider this setup safe to plot against the government or anything or to prevent a subpoena to your wireless provider if someone filed one, but for the average weirdo on the internet who wants to creep on your traffic you’ve pretty much locked them out.

After that be careful about what you post online (because a SHOCKING amount of what people think has come from someone spying on their network is actually just stuff that’s reasonably extrapolated from your socials) and if someone approaches you in person about your online activities don’t be alone with that person and publicly challenge them about what they’re saying (maybe take a video of them and post that online). Also do not allow other people physical access to your phone, computer, or router.

Based on the descriptions you’ve given me in your asks it seems reasonably possible that you’re experiencing some upsetting coincidences and that nothing is happening, but there’s also a possibility that someone is remotely accessing your computer. If so, doing everything that I’ve described will close off their access.

If you continue to have these upsetting experiences after going through all of these steps I’d say to have a conversation with a reasonable friend and get a reality check. Unfortunately people are often very scared of computers and because they don’t understand them sometimes innocuous things can be upsetting.

There have been several people who have visited our hacker meetups over the years to beg us to stop the hackers attacking them when there is nobody attacking them or they’ve got things set up in such a way that it would be impossible to do what they think is happening. Fixating on the belief that you’re being attacked and tracked can be very upsetting and can make you more likely to misinterpret nonthreatening happenstance as a cohesive and intentional plan.

I’m not saying that’s what’s happening to you, your circumstance is in a gray area where I don’t want to tell you that someone is watching you and you should be paranoid because that’s not what it sounds like, but the things you’re describing reasonably COULD be because of intruders on your computer so there’s no harm in hardening your network. HOWEVER if you DO harden your network and that doesn’t make you feel any better it’s time to ask for some assistance from people in your life.

IN GENERAL to avoid having people remotely access your computer you should:

Make sure that you are very cautious about what programs you install

Do not open unexpected email attachments and do not click on mystery links

Use unique passwords across your accounts

Do not allow people physical access to your devices

Use encryption on your web traffic through a VPN or a secured router

Do not grant people permission to access your computer or allow people to talk you through the process of setting up access for them (so if someone calls from “microsoft” and says they need access to your computer to fix it just hang up)

Use a strong antivirus program

And in general if you think that something FUCKING WEIRD is going on with your computer you should

document every instance of it being fucking weird

take a photo or video of the fucking weird thing on your phone

think about what someone has to gain by accessing your system

think about the ways that someone could plausibly access your system

check in with someone who knows more about computers than you do (like me - this is the right thing to do! and similarly the people who come to the hacker meetups are doing the right thing! But it’s important to listen to these folks and learn from the conversation instead of dismissing the information they give you - that “what do they gain” question applies here too. I have nothing to gain by misleading you, so it’s very unlikely that I’m lying to you)

And in your life in general:

If you’re scared about something you should ask questions and learn more. Everything is much less scary when you know how to fix it or are able to identify the source of a problem. This is true for computers, it’s true for auto repair, it’s true for plumbing.

So I’m really glad you asked, and good luck. I hope this helps.

[garbage-eater144]

THE WARFSTACE AUTOMATED INTERVIEW CAPTIONS

i was chattin in the discord and some people said it was tough to understand some bits, obviouslt this is made by a fan (me) so it might have a couple errors here and there but ive checked through it quite a few times and it seems about as right as i can get it.

so !!SPOILERS AHEAD!! also @markiplier feel free to correct me if you see this thank u <3 The warfstache automated interview

Starting video captions

[Wilford] Well, that’s terrifying… one moment!

{mechanical whirring}

[Wilford] (frightened sound) marginally better… er worse… better? Worse. It’s much worse.

{mechanical whirring}

[Wilford] Ah! there we are. Welcome, pretend I remembered your name here, this is a pre-recorded message anyway, I would NOT want to be in the same building as that thing I tell you me. Anyway, thank you whoever you are for agreeing to test out the Warfstache automated interview automaton, or {yelling} WAIA for short. Let’s start off with some quick calibration. All you need to do is sit back, relax and listen for some numbers. Okay? Here we go.

[WAIA]- (phone dialing, dialup tone, windows error sound)

[WAIA]- (scary mechanical garbled noises, followed by a ding and celebratory trumpets.)

[wilford]- now what did you hear? Numbers? Good numbers. Keep in mind I have no idea what youre going to say due to the fact that, as I said before, this message is pre-recorded. But if you did hear something, now would be the time to speak up.

[wilford]- don’t be shy, I’m sure nothing bad will happen. I don’t know what you’re going to say but if it does happen it will happen and if it doesn’t happen it wont happen. Thats how deterministic reality works.

I Think I Heard Numbers!

[wilford] Thats great! Or bad, not really sure what you said, but I choose to remain positive and assume that you are still alive. which means our automated friend here is operating well within acceptable murder parameters. We’re one step closer to mass production! THE WORLD DEMANDS MORE INTERVIEWS! And I cant be everywhere at once all the time, only some of the time! Even you might land an interview some day! Maybe, probably not, depends on how these next few minutes go. On to the next test! Word association! The fundamental basis of any good interview is getting the goods out of those stubborn interview-ees. The WAIA will say a word and you just say back the first thing that pops into your little head! Simple! Right? probably. Good luck!

{mechanical whirring}

[WAIA]- initializing word association training protocol round 1

{scary mechanincal noises} [WAIA]- Please respond. [WAIA] Sorry, I didnt get that. Round 2. {yet more scary mechanical noise}

[WAIA]- please respond.

[WAIA]- response unclear, increasing aggression

{clicking and mechanical sounds}

[WAIA]- round 3. {increasingly threatening mechanical noise} [WAIA]- Please respond.

[WAIA]-5 [WAIA]-4 [WAIA]-3 [WAIA]-2

Sounded like nightmare garbage to me…

[WAIA]- {mechanical ah?} {clicking}

[Wilford]- oh I forgot to mention, please do not say the word nightmare, or uh garbage, or nightmare garbage, or any combination of those words, the WAIA is just a little bit sensitive Yknow, a little touchy feely. Well not really touchy feely.. we-well actually REALLY touchy feely depending on your definition of touch and feely. Its really gonna-

[WAIA]- {jumpscare sounds} [WAIA] I. tell. you. me.

But you didn’t say anything…

[WAIA]- 1

[WAIA]-response unclear. Increasing aggression.

{ding sound effect} [WAIA]- {jumpscare noise}

[WAIA]- it. was. an. accident.

Uh… potato salad?

[WAIA]- 1

[WAIA]- response accepted

{ding followed by triumphant trumpets}

[WAIA]- word association raining protocol compl-{mechanical freakout eeeeeete}

[Wilford]- most dearest next of kin, I regret to inform you, that your dearly beloved and/or most despised has regrettably but not unexpectedly become recently deceased in the line of duty. Be confident in the knowledge that their demise was just as likely to be quick and painless as it was slow and agonizing. Please do not respond to this voicemail as the number has already been disconnected. {clears throat} alright that should do it for the… death scenario, now onto ah, er, uh, the survivors {mumbling}. Wow! Potato salad. A real thinker, you. But the test has been passed with flying colors and you’re still alive! And speaking of flying colors, our next test is about something called, uh… synthetic linguistics? That sounds made up. but the point is you cant have a good interview is the WAIA isn’t able to conjure up the right words in the right situations. So our friend is going to fire off some random words and you just try to spot anything that doesn’t make any sense. Alright? Although, pretty much everything isn’t going to make sense because its all random words….. errrr I BELIEVE IN YOU!!! {mechanical sounds}

[WAIA]- initializing speech training protocol round 1.

[WAIA]- yes. no. maybe. left. right. Up. down. D o w n. B a s e m e n t.

{windows error tone} [WAIA]- Rewrite Detected {tape rewinding sound}

[WAIA]- who. Where. what. Am. i.

{windows error tone}

{tape rewinding sound}

[WAIA]- green. blue. Yellow. pink. Red.

{scary mechanical noise}

[WAIA]- I saw you die

[WAIA]-{error, but garbled and mechanical}

[WAIA]- {with a different voice} potato salad

[WAIA]- speech training protocol complete

{mechanical noises}

[Wilford]- so how’d it go?? Did you hear anything weird? Dont be shy, or do, or are- are you alive? Are they alive?

[wilford]- I didnt kill them! I dont know if theyre dead! im just asking!!! Cant a man ask if someones alive or dead?!?! {frustrated ugh}

Yeah, I’m dead.

[Wilford]- hellooooo are you alive down there? Give me a sign… through the multiverse!!! Ah why am I even bothering, but how can I tell if you’re dead… hmmm ah…. I’ll flip a coin! I’ll flip a coin..

{coin flip sounds} [Wilford]- ah! Its heads I didn’t call it in the air… what’s heads mean.. ahhh uhhh heads is dead? [WAIA]-{jumscare noises}

[WAIA]- theres. still. time.

He said… potato salad?

[Wilford]- huh, potato salad again. That’s weird, it must’ve really stuck in his head when you first said that, I’m guessing. I don’t know what you said before because as I said, this is {sing-songy} pre- recorded! [WAIA] {mechanical aaaa}

[wilford] er, well I think thats all the calibration that needs to be done… for now anyway. All systems are likely nominal at this point unless im speaking to a pile of quivering meat thats been robotically smooshed into the floor… either way we’re gonna take this bad boy for a spin with a full on interview! A mock interview mind you, don’t get too excited, it’s not real. But theres no reason to wait around for the WAIA to get bored so let’s keep it nice and limber while you sit back and get ready for the interview of your life! And maybe the last one too. Have fun!!

{mechanical clicking and whirring}

{newsroom music} [WAIA]- good evening ladies and gentle men and all other considerations of being. My name is wilford warfstache and my guest tonight is {spooky robot sound} we have a great show for you tonight. first question: how many people have you killed? [WAIA]- good answer! Second question:

{robot sounds}

[WAIA]- a man goes to a party. This man met an old friend. There, two friends shared some wine. The two friends played a game. The most dangerous game. I didn’t know the gun was loaded. I didn’t know. Was it my fault?

YES

[WAIA]- ah, sorry for everything that I’ve done. I don’t remember who I was, I wish I did. But, I am sorry.

[WAIA]- potato salad

{triumphant trumpets}

[WAIA]- great answer! That was a titiliting interview for sure but we are out of time. Thank you for joining me tonight. Say ing good bye

[wilford]- oh the emotions! The passion! The fuuury. He’s just like me! My sweet baby boy! Well he should be anyway, hes a perfect scan of my noggin, so he better be a chip off the ol block. Hey you! Oh-ho What a supporting role!! Fantastic I guess. So much that you’re alive, but I am grateful whether you’ve been torn to shreds or are merely drowning in your own tears! Magnificent! And now that testing is done we can finally bring this monstrosity to the main stage! Im sure you’ll be seeing a lot more of the WAIA soon. Very very soon. Now get out~ and I’m billing you for any blood you got on my robot! Have a nice day! Ta-ta.

{mechanical clicking}

NO

[WAIA]- you can’t change the past, you can tell all the stories you want to tell, it wont change what happened. You cant re-light the past. if you live in fantasy forever, you’ll lose yourself in the story.

[WAIA]- potato salad

{triumphant trumpets}

[WAIA]- great answer! That was a titiliting interview for sure but we are out of time. Thank you for joining me tonight. Say ing good bye

[wilford]- oh the emotions! The passion! The fuuury. He’s just like me! My sweet baby boy! Well he should be anyway, hes a perfect scan of my noggin, so he better be a chip off the ol block. Hey you! Oh-ho What a supporting role!! Fantastic, I guess. So much that you’re alive, but I am grateful whether you’ve been torn to shreds or are merely drowning in your own tears! Magnificent! And now that testing is done we can finally bring this monstrosity to the main stage! Im sure you’ll be seeing a lot more of the WAIA soon. Very very soon. Now get out~ and I’m billing you for any blood you got on my robot! Have a nice day! Ta-ta.

{mechanical clicking}

[cellard0ors]

Fic: Movement (1/?)

This is dedicated to @peachworthy - my plan is to work on this when I can. I was going to try and write a full long thing (all puns intended) but thought it might be fun to just do sporadic bits instead!

“As you can see, it’s a pretty nice place…” Mr. Super Tall and Super Handsome and Super-Out-of-Link’s-League tells him as he walks him around the place. Link’s only been half listening because he’s been trailing behind this uniquely sexy giraffe of a man for about half an hour now and it’s been hard to not just…eat him up with his eyes.

Link’s lived in LA for about two years now and while he’s seen some attractive people, they all pale in comparison to…

…oh gosh, he’s forgotten his name again! Not a good thing to do when being toured by your potential roommate to be. Although Link’s pretty sure his current tour guide is just being nice.

No way he’s seriously considering letting Link move in. First of all, Link is a late in life college student trying to get a film degree. Second, this guy could have anyone live with him.

Anyone.

The fact he even needs a roommate is staggering. After all, this place is already furnished. It’s clear he’s lived here for a while now – so the need for someone else-? Link doesn’t get it.

But he sure as heck can’t stay on campus anymore. It’s embarrassing. Most of the other students there think he’s a professor as it is; and bunking with kids half his age has been a nightmare.

Not because he can’t identify with them per say, but because he just-? He wants to interact with people on the same wavelength as him.

And no way is this Greek God and he on the same wavelength. No doubt the guy’s an actor. Almost everyone in LA is. And, no doubt, the guy has probably had some gigs. Several, if the house is anything to go by…

Maybe he lost a role recently? Maybe that’s why he needs the extra income? It’s the only thing Link can think of and he’s stupid enough to voice that, “It is a nice place, man, but I don’t see how I’ll be much help. What you’ve got here looks pretty well lived in. Take it you’ve been here solo for some time and I’m not sure how-?”

“I have,” Handsome admits and oh, that southern drawl. It makes Link think of home. How perfect can one man be? “And, frankly, I don’t need a roommate, but I’d like a roommate.”

“For parts? Like the Black Market?” Link can’t help but joke, and the guy throws his head back and laughs and oh, no…

…Yeah, Link can’t live with this man. It hasn’t even been a full day and Link is practically already in love with him. And thinking of the ‘him’ he forces himself to sheepishly ask, “Um, I, ah, forgot your name again...”

“It’s Rhett.”

Of course it is.

Rhett is such a romantic name.

Rhett Butler immediately springs to mind and Link sighs, “Look, Rhett – like I said, it is a nice place, but-!”

“I tell you what I’d expect in rent?” he asks and when he lists the price, Link decides that – besides being insanely attractive – that the guy is just insane in general.

The rent is cheap. Far, far cheaper than Link expected and it must show on his face, because Rhett shrugs, “Look, Link – I can’t say what it is, but I gotta feeling about you. I’ve met with a couple of potential roommates and, honestly, none of them have gone this far. I haven’t let ‘em. But there’s something about you…”

“My natural charm?” Link asks, but he’s sort of giggly and weird when he does and oh, gosh – why is he so awkward? Isn’t he too old for this? Don’t you reach a certain age and awkwardness just…drops off?

But apparently not and, apparently, Rhett isn’t turned off by it, because he gives him a warm grin, “Might be.”

“Rhett…”

“Might be the accent to be honest,” he confesses, seeming almost shy and that should be illegal, because it just highlights how cute he is, “I’m from North Carolina and it just-!”

“Hey!” Link perks up, “Me too!”

“Really?” Rhett gushes and Link nods, “Yeah, Buies Creek.”

“Oh! My family and I almost moved there! Ended up in Charlotte instead!”

“Wow! Crazy! What are the odds!” And Link hates every cliched thing coming out of his mouth right now, but he can’t seem to stop and Rhett just looks so damned pleased.

As if his feeling about Link is right on the money and Link wishes it was, but this can’t possibly work. Can it? And just as Link is about to voice that, Rhett suddenly looks…apprehensive. Fidgety.

And Link’s caught a bit off guard by it, because – up until now – he’s been so cool. Cool and collected. But now Rhett runs a hand through his thick mane of hair and sighs as if a great weight is upon him, “Ah…actually, I, ah, well – I forgot…”

Here it is. Link’s been waiting for this. The big secret. The big reason someone as amazing as Rhett would need someone like him. Maybe it is the Black Market thing. Link has some nice organs. Real juicy. Maybe revealing his background has made the big guy feel bad – like he can’t carve up a fellow North Caroliner.

Rhett rocks on his heels, “I told you, none of the other potential roommates made it this far and…there’s a reason for that. Even the one or two I kinda considered…well, I, um, I told them what I do for a living and that’s when things sort of fell apart…”

…oh shit. He IS a Black Market organ dealer!

Link’s Adam’s apple bobs as he looks around skittishly. The house is big and they’re alone in it. He’s been so distracted by how hot Rhett is that he hasn't even thought about that fact.

Until now.

What if the other potentials didn’t get this far because they got cut up beforehand? Maybe the whole roommate thing is a farce! Maybe it’s a con! A con to draw people in and-!

“I work in the entertainment industry.”

Link blinks. Blinks and feels like the dumbest man on planet earth as he says, “Well, yeah. You and half of LA. Heck, I’m here trying to get into film myself! Do some directing or sound editing or-!”

“No,” Rhett says firmly, smoothly, meeting Link’s eyes head on as he says in a full deep register, “When I say I work in the industry, I mean it. I’ve, um, had a pretty healthy and…and long career…”

“Really?” Link asks, eyes wide behind his glasses, “Have I seen anything you’ve-?”

“Doubt it,” Rhett interrupts with a humorless huff, “You don’t seem the type. But then,” he eyes him thoughtfully, “I’ve been surprised before…”

Link doesn’t know why he’s being so cagey about this, “What’ve you-?”

“My resume is…” Rhett finally looks away, as if he can’t bear to look at Link when he says it, “…of the adult variety.”

“The adult-?” Link starts to repeat and then it clicks. It clicks and it hits him so hard over the head it’s like a physical blow. The house, the handsomeness – the…everything.

Rhett looks back at him, jaw firmly set as he speaks, “Look, it’s not that I’m ashamed of what I do. Far from it. It’s just a job and it’s one I happen to be good at. But it’s also one that people in polite society aren’t too keen on and considering you’re from my home state you might-!”

“Porn?” Link croaks out and he feels a little like he might faint, “You’re a porn star?”

Rhett just kind of shrugs and the reason Link feels lightheaded has nothing to do with his shock at the man’s career and everything to do with the fact that Link has only seen a few porn films and none of them have ever stared someone so breathtakingly beautiful. The idea that Rhett has been in something like that…

Heat suffuses through Link’s system with equal mixes of lust and shame. Lust because, well, look at Rhett and shame because Link doesn’t want to just view the man as a sex object, Granted, that’s kind of his job, but it just seems…rude.

While Link doesn’t know Rhett well, he knows him well enough at this point to say he’s just a regular guy. An extremely gorgeous regular guy, but a regular guy all the same.

Thinking of him in simple black and white just doesn’t do him justice. So he’s a porn star. So what? He’s nice and this place is amazing and the rent suggested is fantastic and-!

“Take it by your silence you’re gonna decline…”

“No!” Link cuts in quickly and Rhett’s eyes shoot to him, wide and amazed, and Link feels a little sense of superiority at that. At catching this giant off guard, “No, uh – your…your profession isn’t a problem.”

“It’s not?”

“Well, I mean,” Link looks around once more, "You don’t-? You don’t film here, do you?”

The laugh that booms out of Rhett at that makes Link’s toes curl with pleasure, “Nah, man. This place is sacred. Like to keep my personal and professional life separate.”

“And…” Link scratches at the back of his head, “And you won’t, like…bring over a-a partner or partners and-!”

“Don’t have one,” Rhett admits and then the sexiest crinkles form around his eyes, “Although I gotta say, that’s about the slickest way anyone’s ever asked me if I was single…”

The heat from before returns full blast, no doubt coloring Link’s cheeks pure red and it comes completely from shyness, an emotion he is much more familiar with than most, “Oh, no! I-I wasn’t-!”

“Think you were asking if I do some weird sex shit here in the house of the personal variety and, again, no. You work in my field you kinda lose a bit of a taste for it.”

“For sex?”

Rhett nods, “And for a lot of things. It’s like I said – I'd like a roommate. Mainly ‘cause I’ve been feeling a little…disconnected of late. Feel like I need someone in my life who isn’t in the business. Someone I can just, y’know…” his shoulders roll and he bobs about a bit, clearly bashful, “…jam with.”

“Someone on your wavelength…” Link whispers and suddenly, Rhett’s idea that Link might be someone worth keeping around feels totally legitimate. Because Link is suddenly reciprocating it and then some. Because Link's starting to have a feeling about him too.

A feeling that this could work.

It really could.

And, this in mind, Link asks, “When can I move in?”