#idk why i even talk to myself on here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zebratimw · 1 year

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Spirit animal SQH

#svsss #shang qinghua #but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but #but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee #also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but #I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg #oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left #I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something #or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird #LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm #I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either #I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself #eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up #I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa #man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong #cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk #its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment #with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig #and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down #but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications #and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly #man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk

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moonchild-in-blue · 25 days

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Oh.

#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time 🥺#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them #and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual #and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it #i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha #it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing #that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before #my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved 🥹#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up #is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop #and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it #maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but #man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc #idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later #probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void #anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#🤍#darya talks to herself

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chrisbangs · 6 months

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hello... (and bye ig 👋)

#👋😭 hi...#i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone #i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭#i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh...#uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂#i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but #i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause #i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say...#i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu #it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media /#without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao #i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy #pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on #i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a #depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think #i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just #sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ????#i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become #even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it #i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it #like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi #i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda #makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd #not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what #they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling #anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀#i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say #this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel #like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess 😭#who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡

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sluttyten · 7 months

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My afraid-of-romance ass has just been asked by another regular customer for my number and the stupid thing is that again I do think this guy is kinda cute and I really probably should say yes

#the fear tho lmao #what am I afraid of? I have no fucking clue #this is why I’m still questioning my sexuality lol like what am I? do I even actually like guys? do I like anyone?#in an existential spiral at the moment #but honestly why do they always ask for my number #like dude just give me yours and let me make the decision when you’re not right here in front of me #but I felt bad telling him no today just because the last time a customer asked and I said yes I almost immediately regretted it #and then that didn’t work out because I thought he was too young #young* and now he still sometimes comes by and I just feel awkward about it #maybe I should turn to Facebook and see if I can find him because I have set an age limit for myself and I really don’t want to entertain #anyone younger than that #but I’m……… I know I’m like never active in here anymore #but I just needed to talk about this somewhere #because any of my coworkers would probably tell me I’m being ridiculous or they’d just seriously keep questioning why I keep saying no to #customers that hit on me and my best friend would probably also not get it #idk y’all I just needed to rant about it/talk about it #anyway I’m definitely gonna stress over this until tomorrow #and I’m gonna feel really bad if he stops coming by

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months

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...

#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit #we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today #luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying #so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem #canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine #think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say #but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart #i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess #its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad #it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl #like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this #i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away #i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster #unrelated

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needylittlegirl · 2 months

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theres a 99% chance we’re gonna move so i have to start packing little things now cause it makes the transition easier but i hate it i dont want to

#i know i sound like am immature little kid just pouting and stomping my foot #but i’ve had to move every two years since i was like 14 for so many different reasons #each place ive moved to just got increasingly worse so i think i have the right to pout like a 14 yr old girl #but its just dumb #if i start taking stuff down now itll make it easier to leave cause it wont feel like my space by then #its what ive always done #if i pack weeks ahead of time it just feels like im leaving a hotel or something #but right nows the hard part #im not even over my childhood home/s #i cant talk about those without crying and its been 20 years #i’d just like to stay in one place for awhile #we wont be going far cause me and my sister both have jobs right here but #its still different #im tired of seeing my stuff in boxes im tired of not feeling safe in my own space #it all just makes me so unstable cause i cant plant my roots anywhere #idk maybe its stupid #if everything goes according to plan #we’ll probably be moving a little after memorial day #and all i want to do is lock my door and refuse to let anyone do anything #im still just that little girl that was leaving her childhood bedroom and moving hours away #tbd #i didnt even get to skate today cause its raining #whatever im gonna get in bed and watch movies til i can go to sleep #if ive been bad at responding to msgs or not posting as much . this is why 👍#any sort of change like this makes me isolate myself like crazyy

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bunnihearted · 3 months

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._.

#no to be mean but sometimes i just dont have the energy to make myself like reply to ppl nd try to interact #continiously ppl block me bc i dont reply fast enough or etc etc #nd it's just like damn i tried just to get blocked???? 🥴🥴🥴#also funny thing in my experience it's mostly girl mutuals who lose patience nd block me #hmmm inchresting 🧐#anyway im wording this clumsily but like im just so exhausted nd my heart's tired #im tired of building some sort of light online attachment to someone #just to feel crushed when i notice they've blocked me nd i dont even know why???#also wanna be clear that im referring to ppl i've talked to. not just interactions. sksks 🥴#i know not everyone will block me nd i know there r nice ppl here but like i dont have the energy to sort thru it all #or take chances bc im tired 😭😭#i feel bad bc there r ofc very kind ppl who reach out to me nd stuff but in my bones im dejected #like what if i actually do start talking nd i start feeling affinity to u nd slight healthy attachment nd then boom one day u block me???#i feel mean nd oversensitive complaining abt this but idk 😣#i liked this mutual nd talking to them but they blocked me nd idk whyyyy what did i do i always do smth y'all gotta fill out a form telling #maybe if i had irl friends i wouldnt care tho im aware im a loser

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footnoteinhistory · 4 months

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My childhood best friend who I grew apart from just posted a video on snapchat and she’s laughing in the background and I realized I haven’t heard her laugh in well over a decade. So I’m now having a very normal morning

#whenever I see those webweaving posts about childhood friends I’m like ha yeah sure whatever!#can’t really relate idk I don’t remember being a kid that well I don’t think about it that much haha :)#and then I think of her and. ouuuggghhhhh #she moved away and we just gradually stopped talking. no bad blood at all #we’ve chatted here and there she told me to stop by next time I visit roc (!) I hadn’t even realized she lived there now #but I have this horrible terrible fear she wouldn’t like me anymore. completely unfounded. just a worry #and I can’t bring myself to really reach out and reconnect bc what if it’s true. what if she rejected me. I think I would die #why do I think I’m so unlovable #what the hell happened #gd. I need to eat something

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transmechanicus · 1 year

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“I’ll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk kill” but like…what if i did haha

#my stuff #dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day #bc i skipped lab to take a nap #and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates #like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i never…hang out w em #or at least not as much as they seem to without me #it’s not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space #and i’m in a different lab building than a lot of ppl #idk…struggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism #it’s just day after day of Job where i’ll beat myself up on weekends if i don’t do Even More Work #bc that’s the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter #i don’t care what other people are doing i don’t wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure i’m doing Brand New Shit #i want it to stop #i don’t want to read anymore. i don’t wanna have to worry about my job outside of work.#i want to cry and scream and #like i don’t wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here #i don’t wanna wuss out #but i’m always tired. i’m never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself #why is this only hard for me…how tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much??#like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get #i’m tired of being tough #i want to curl into a ball and be told it’s going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure

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leslutdepointedulac · 6 months

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I'm thinking of turning my asks on because I've been on tumblr for about a year now but despite that I haven't really interacted with people properly in this fandom and I'd very much like to, and I'm sorta hoping that by doing this maybe it will force me out of my shell a bit and get me to talk to some people instead of just existing in the aether 😅

#because truth be told my social anxiety gets in the way of reaching out to others #even though i want nothing more than to talk to/make friends with people #which i know is so silly because there are lovely people here #i just wanna talk about our favourite dumbass vampires 😂#ig this is the best thing i can think of to get me started with that #honestly though even just posting this i'm shitting myself and idk why 😅#my vampire chronicles

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xannerz · 7 months

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roblox death noise