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helloharuo-diary-2023
Haruo Matsuya - Diary 2024 2023 & 2014 2013
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✧ one life. one story.
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𓅭WADE . DUCK ๋࣭ ⭑⚝
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people who write essays or are having a meltdown in reaction to my art, I hope you know you are living so rent free in my brain
#hehe thank you all for reacting with my stuff honestly#it makes me giggle n kick my feet like a little girl#ik I'm super slow at posting hshdjf#so thanks for sticking around uuu#I'm working on another 79 animation LMAO and a shorter bingqiu and one of tianlang and xiyan#but all of them are really quite taxing... and I'm busy with work so its really slow going#and I'm also on a cosplay crunch since I'm behind on my self-imposed schedule ahh#but hopefully I can finish these wips 💪#the 79 is bittersweet while bingqiu is a meme and the tlj n xiyan is just#the usual knife LMAO#tlj n xiyan what is their ship name? I actually don't know... tianyan? tianxi? haha tiansu? xilang???#anyways they are just like 79 💀 well not exactly but they are so close together hfjfjgjg#entrapment wrongly perceived betrayal deep-seated rage and enbitterment being just too late ahhh the flavours are melting on my tongue!#anyways just an update~ thank you all for following me n stuff btw#so many notifications nowadays ? it makes me feel bad I'm not active haha#but not enough to lighf any fires under my ass sbdjfj#tumblr is lowkey for me and it's gonna stay that way
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I still love you
(song: Still in Love with You by Deeps)
#scum villains self saving system#svsss#shen qingqiu#shen jiu#yue qingyuan#qijiu#reposting cause I didn't really realize that the quality shat itself so bad hsdjcj#there's always something going wrong ugggghhhh 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
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I was wrong, Shizun...
(old vid)
#scum villains self saving system#svsss#shen qingqiu#luo binghe#My very first svsss video!!! ahahaha!!! also I'm p sure it was my first instagram reel too#ahh memories
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It's a good cause, a great cause even. But I need you to stop.
(old vid)
#scum villains self saving system#svsss#liu qingge#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#yue qingyuan#this is so old hehehee my second ever svsss video!#ah~ I miss qingge
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I still love you
(Song: Still in Love with You by Deeps)
#scum villian self saving system#svsss#shen qingqiu#yue qingyuan#qijiu#79#Wow I have not posted on the webstie in a hot minute#I also keep forgetting this acc is the one with the kira theme#I haven't drawn a jojo in a long time#but yknow I still love him quite a bit#In any case I finally finished this animation! wow! I'm very happy hehe I hope you all enjoy#I really gotta feed myself when it comes to Qi ge#I just don't really like how he's always the background character or a yandere if he's in the main light#can't I just have a sad and pathetic little guy? can't I just enjoy his guilt complex? I understand he has potential for yandere-isms#but you cannot deny that he is truly a coward and so so so mired in his own guilt I don't think he'd really be a good yandere due to that#but also because he's just a guy alsgkhal I said he has potential but honestly? I think its the kind to stay theoretical yknow#Anyways I just really like him and I need to feed myself so here I am#I'm really bad at searching for fandom content I usually just... have it fed to me cause the internet stalks me yknow? so Idk how to find#the qi ge content I want ah... unless its fics ha I'm scouring the ao3s I'm on page 134 on the scum villain fic search results I'm lookin'#anyways enjoy I'm gonna spend another 84 years making a new animation peace!
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For the scum girlies, some more memehuas
#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shang qinghua#hehehehe this is literally curing my art block-#anyways that was a lie actually I still can't draw anything but shang memehua so#Anyhoo I'm off lads I will see you all Later
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#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shang qinghua#how I be feeling these days ahdnfjgkg#I keep stressing about life in general and its seriously bumming me out hajdjg#how nice it would be to not exist#everyday I wake up and do the same things I hate#time hasn't felt real in years and it goes way before covid times#I haven't felt real in most of those years either#Look I'm lucky I'm not like depressed or whatever but frankly this derealization shit is seriously startin to get a little worrying at times#tbf I only really notice it recently so maybe its just a bias#I've been chugging along this way for years all thats changed is my perception of it#but at the same time I really want to do more too#I get I'm a very boring and unreliable person#and I know I just said its my perception of it but like I do genuinely think my social skills my general living just like me mentally ig#I'm kinda deteriorating in my stagnation ig? artistically too but more worrying in my life idbfjg#priorities sorry anyways I also think I do have adhd or something and that rejection thing dhfjgjg I really can't start things anymore#idk I really just feel so clueless in most things now and I'm too scared or too confused or both to start fixing things#like how do I even fix things? what do I even search for in this kind of thing?#Idk I'm just gonna go sleep ig god I'm so tired of everything#I haven't been able to draw I've really lost passion for a lot of things again and everything irritates me#I can't stand my phone sometimes but it's kinda the only thing getting me through it all ha#ngl I wish I were depressed sometimes if only so I'd actually have the balls to do smth but Ik that's just the Metnally Ail part speaking so#chug chug going along#I also have to make wushi before I die. haha#god my life is so empty#what am I even doing#I'm really so tired why can't my life end here already? modern lifespans are too long how am I supposed to keep going on like this?#so pointless and vapid and its just me ? why did it have to be me that was born? couldn't someone else have been here I hate it here so much#I strive for nothing but I have such a long life and so many people to disappoint haha maybe I should go outside more
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some oc things I did (except the maid, that's my friend's oc Wu, who I love very much)
#zebra0cs#I don't really remember what tag I used for my ocs ngl#or if I even had one at all uhh#anyways--#my friend has gotten back into their bnha stage so I've been working on my bnha ocs#however... my knowledge of actual bnha lore is very shady at best sjfjgy I haven't read any of it since middle school 💀#so like where did I even stop? very early in the story ahh...#well#I don't care for bnha really#I just care for my friends so I'll take what thet give me in terms of lore hehe#the lore being gunhead is their husband
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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Also not finishing this
#2ha#dumb husky and his white cat shizun#while I'm posting old abandoned wips#here's one that's even older than a year haha#the first animation wip of mine to surpass the 10 second mark#I think this is only 11 seconds? but haha#ahh I really wish I could finish thia#maybe one day when I get better at animating I'll throw myself at it again
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Not finishing
#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shen qingqiu#I started this like last year or something I don't really remember#I'm not gonna finish it at this rate 💀#I still like it I just have no motivation ueueue#maybe I'll come back to it??? who knows??? but for now I'm just gonna leave it eee....#I wanted to make a qi ge animation cause it lines up with the sj one but I'm so very slow .....#anyways the scenario here was something with qingge I forgor shfjfkg#he probably broke something and sj is upset but yknow how it be with younger siblings amirite-- suck it up#I say as I'm the youngest sibling hehehe#anyways Here's to hoping I'll finish the yue qi one
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Happy 100th post
#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shang qinghua#airplane bro#Look... my friend really likes airplane 👌#ifjskfkg anyways its been a long time since I posted anywhere ah?#sorry I've been con crunching and then had the con and then I started work and now I'm here#posting cursed airplane pictures on my tumblr while my millions of animation wips languish in purgatory#what can I say....#I gotta shit actually ajfkgkg so bye now
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assortment
#uugg#svsss#mdzs#man I don't wanna tag shdjfkg#all of these excluding jiang cheng I plan to finish some day anyways dhfjkg#altho when is the question... hngg....#also the first one is dhfjgkg bingqiu but like... withthat new geisha skin from idv#its called resilience of bamboo and is a rich green with bamboo and a black n red fan... idk man it just makes me think of them 🥺#also I'm djjfjgg stressed rn#I'm making cosplay and I keep making little mistakes that ruin everything shfkgkg#ah.. it's so annoying... I hate all of it... but gotta push through anyways 💪#also I got accepted teehee its an open enrollment so I was going in no matter what but its nice to get rhe email after waiting hehe#but also I think my friend is irritated with me so I've been leaving them alone but they also had like a breakdown so#idk how to go about interacting with them rn#cause like on one hand they completely ignored me earlier so clearly they don't wanna talk to me#but on the other hand they were having a rough time and maybe I should've said something anyways#and now its been hours and I'm still stewing on it shdkfkg so like I wanna say something still but now its awkward hfjfkgkh#man... I'm just gonna keep working UAHDKFKG#aiya.. I've been thinking about it before and moreso recently but I really don't make a good friend do I ?#sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of deeper emotion beyond myself cause moments like these make me think about how I always retreat#instead of pushing forward yknow like its awkward and weird but better going than pussyfootin around but ah I feel too awkward#so I just don't so like.. isn't that just me saying to myself I don't really care for my friend ? like even if its awkward for me wouldn't#it be better anyways? I've always been bad with comfort I've lived a very sheltered life so I lack a lot of experience and in a way empathy#so I've always been more on the cowardly and selfish side of things for sure... for a friend one should do better right but I can't seem to#be capable of doing more I just loiter jrjrjt how much is it base personality and how much is just lack of any real experience ? ehh..#well no need to think too hard or else I'll be more useless sbdjgkg at least lets work and be a bad friend than be useless AND a bad friend
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I hate you
#scum villains self saving system#svsss#shen jiu#yue qi#79#qijiu#God... everytime I think about them....#where is shen jiu.#where did he go.#I need to know if he is happier wherever he went please--#why wouldn't qi ge ever apologize#sobs#anyways time to draw porn-
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The entirety of SVSSS--
I may have forgotten to unmute the audio for the tumblr posting on the first upload...
#svsss#scumbag self saving system#shang qinghua#shen qingqiu#luo binghe#JHAJFKGKG OMG I REALLY FUCKIN FORGOT TO ADD THE AUDIO BACK IN 💀💀💀#HELPPP I DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER CHECKING THE VIDEO WHEN I UPLOADED IT CAUSE I REALLY THOUGHT I DID 😭#bro its been up for days shfjfkgk oh my god#I am a fool perhaps#laughing and crying because wtf-#I was supposed to let my phone charge but then the tumblr notif came up kdjfjgkg#aiyo..... anyways thanks for letting me know the audio was dead shfjgkyky
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TL;DR of SVSSS
#svsss#shang qinghua#shen qingqiu#luo binghe#two closeted gays unaware of their own homosexual tendencies#but very aware of each others gay assery#well sy maybe not#mans so comphet until hes suddenly not 💀#anyways Ive gotten many cute n nice n funny responses on other posts#thank you very much#and for the spooky bingge#sorry about that HSHFKGKG#but I'm glad it works hehe it was meant to startle a bit so ehe#anyways I'll see yall later again fnnfkg#scum villian self saving system
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If I chop you up--
#scum villian self saving system#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#istg if the audio doesn't sync I'm fighting god tonight#I spent too long on this fff#anyways time to make sj animations 💀#I should be sleeping actually#I fell asleep on call with my friends and then I fell outta my chair#they heard me fall LMAO#but anyways idk why I didn't go back to sleep after that#I couldn't sleep so I just drew#productive at least ? jwbdjfjg anyways I hope I can dream of shen jiu tonight#I wish to see him cry
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